Pretty Little Episode #53

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the Handsome Pods. Pretty little episode.
I'm Fortune Feemster. I'm Mae Martin.
Hello. And May, I have to say, you're looking pretty handsome.
Oh, thanks.

The tank top is referring to the tank. Yeah, because you told us in another episode that you rocked one of those on stage,

and I assumed you did that all the time. You said you do not.
And now you're rocking it with us today, and we're all going wild. People are losing their minds by people.
I mean, you and Thomas.

It's hot today, and I... I didn't have time to change and I'm just seeing how it feels, how it affects my personality.

I'm going to try and wear it a lot this summer. You look tough.

Really? Yeah. You scared? No, I mean, in a good way.

Yeah, it makes me want to get more tattoos. Like, I really want to really go the whole hog.

Let's see your

one tat over here. This one.

Oh, I got what? That's like

some years. Like, I got

a 12 in 2012, 16 in 2016, and a 22 in 22.

Okay, yeah.

Are you thinking of like on the arm or something? Well, I'm running out of real estate fortune, but I'm thinking about like back of the arm, like on the tricep, or maybe

I don't know. Okay.
Around my belly button, a big like a face where the belly button's the mouth. No, don't do that.
No, I'm just kidding.

I'm too much of a wuss to get

a tat. Yeah, you're not good with pain.
With pain, yeah. Do you have pierced ears? I sure do.
I got these when I was 18. I think that's worse than a tattoo.
Really?

Well, it's a como. Yeah.
I'm glad I got them pierced because I had to wear the clip-ons for a sketch the other week. And owie.

Yeah, my mom wore clip-ons growing up. I always remember she had ones with fur on them, like furry

clip-ons.

Yeah, that's. So did you

is that why you got your ears pierced because you were tired of wearing those clip-ons yeah no they just didn't want my ears always hurting and i was like i think the the piercing would be a much easier road if you got a little nose stud it would change your whole life one of these i not really looking for that i'm not really jag's head has one but oh really like a little yeah a little stud yeah i just was never i'm just simple i'm a simple gal me you're You're a simple gal.

You're wearing a really good t-shirt. Asheville.
Shout out to Asheville, North Carolina. It says 10,000 lesbians can't be wrong.
That's right.

Someone gave me this shirt when I was in Asheville, not this time, but the last.

I think it means that there are this many lesbians

in Asheville. I don't know if that's an exact number.

And they love it, and they can't be wrong for living there. I'm just quickly Googling population of Asheville because I want to know what percentage we're talking.

Because when they do the census, are they asking people if they're lesbians? Well, that's what I want to know.

I don't think so, right? Population's only like 100,000. So that's 10%.
That's a lot of lesbians in one area. Wait, but don't they say 10% of people in general are gay?

You know, I don't know the stats. I just gotta go.

I just joke that the lesbians in Asheville are, you know, on the mountain somewhere.

And when someone comes to town that is some representation the the bat signal goes out yeah and they just hook carabiners to each other and make their way down the mountain

I haven't heard the word carabiners in a while yeah that you know it's a

good old camping tool and a nice keychain yeah Yeah, yeah,

I bet

if they included bi-curious people, we'd be up to 40,000. I feel like there there are more

ladies, I think, are becoming curious these days, don't you think? I think that's because of stigma. I think they just feel safer to say it.
I think it's the same for men or more, probably. Yeah.

Okay. For sure.
Think about the army, the navy, ancient Greece. Think about it.
Jail. Just think about it.
I just think women are getting exasperated at

a certain age by men. Not all.
Hashtag not all.

But they're just like,

well, maybe it would be nice to have a lady tell me I'm pretty and, you know, want to hold my hand.

Yeah, that does seem to happen more than like men getting to like 45 and being like, I just want to hang out with another guy. Like,

you know what I would really use is a nice cuddle from my bro friend. Yeah.
Yeah, they're not as open to that. Yeah, they should be.
But ladies are... Ladies are a little more fluid.

Well, I don't, you know how I always play spin the bottle at parties? Yeah. I always instigate it.
I've never, you've never been at a party where I have instigated it.

I don't get invited to spin the bottle parties, weirdly enough. You're gonna, but

especially in my married days, I really didn't get invited. You guys left before the

chaos.

No one wanted the married couple at the spin the bottle party.

But I always notice when I, when I introduce spin the bottle, it's always the straight guys that are so excited to have an excuse to kiss each other. They're

so into it. Well, if they're, if they're nice.
They're like, if I must kiss this strong bearded man. Yeah, they're going in for round two.
They're wow.

Okay.

Well, you get people just feeling loose, I guess. Right.

Hope so.

Right. Great.
Great.

Thomas came over today to fix my tech. How did it work out? It worked out great, and it was nice to have a little visit.
And we played foosball, and it was good.

Well, I was hoping y'all got some foosball then. May kick my ass two games in a row.
May's pretty good from what I hear. They're pretty good.
That's just because I own a table, so I play a lot.

But I didn't realize that Thomas plays pinball

a lot. And so

that's I'm thinking I might go to the pinball place and start to dip my toe in because there's tournaments and stuff. Uh-huh.
Something I could really immerse myself in and get really obsessed.

You might end up buying your own pinball machine at some point. It's a matter of time until pinball machine photo booth would be great.
Yeah, that was expensive, though.

A vintage photo booth and it'd break all the time. I think that someone should make a handsome pinball machine.
How cool would that be? Oh my God. And it goes like into our mouths.
Into our mouths.

Yeah. Oh, my God.
And at one point, you get the most points if the ball goes up and it goes between two boobs and gets motorboated. That's right.

There would be a lot of references in there. Pineapples, ghosts,

aunties.

That would be great.

I mean,

put it on the list.

So many things. I saw there's already a

I don't know if it was someone

like our

people that did like the handsome Monopoly game because we talked about it. Oh, yeah.
That was great. Autumn put that together.
Yeah, that was hilarious. Yeah.

They're always doing some fun things on our socials.

It's such a treat to see the things that Autumn comes up with. Yeah.

um

fortune how are you

that was so weird how are you i mean how are you and also how are you how great how's your morning been are you having another like crazy day where you're just no yesterday was insane i literally did not stop from 8 a.m until 10 p.m like oh my gosh not a second um

today it's been much better i got to swim today so that's always a sign of a good day Yeah, nice.

And I'm going on a dinner date with my good friend Zach Noi Towers. Oh, nice.

Which you guys got to meet at some point. He's delightful.
I'd love to meet him.

He's like a sweet, gentle comic. He's a sweet, gentle, gay stand-up comic.
Yeah, I'd love to meet him. But also, like, very sex positive and very, like,

is non-monogamous and proud of it and will always be. And so it's fun to hear his stories of being out

gallivanting around town. Get Get him to the spin the bottle party.
He would soar at this party, May. Yeah.
Y'all would be good wing people for each other.

One time I was at a party. I mean, in my 20s, I was, you know, a lot crazier, but I was at a party at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival with Brett Goldstein and a bunch of British comics.

And I was so drunk, but we instigated a game where basically one person would get blindfolded and lie on a bed, and then one by one, we would kiss them.

And there were maybe like 15 people playing what and then they had to say who the best

kisser was what number like real kisses yeah and it was always brett and i think that

that's probably because they felt his beard and they knew who it was and they just wanted to

i think that was part of it but also we just were hoping that he would want to go on a date yeah yeah

brett is a handsome man that is for sure he really is but he probably is also a good kisser He is a good kisser, he's a great kisser. This game is wild.
What? I am.

It was such a boring life.

It felt very high school, though. Very, like, and there was definitely a moment,

like, there's always a moment where kind of you step back and are like, what are we doing?

This is weird. We should stop this.
You're like, after all 15 people kissed each other, you're like, what are we doing? Yeah.

Yeah. Well, listen, I

live your best life. Do your thing.
That's what I say. You're having a good time.
Well, I was. I got to bring some of that back.

You do. You need to get back into that energy.
Yeah. Instead of like retreating to the woods.
Don't do that. To do my thing.
Don't do it when you need to refresh, but and also enjoy life. Yeah.

Yeah. Should we hear some questions? Let's do it.
Yeah.

Hello, handsomes. My name is Caroline, sending you a question from Omaha, Nebraska.
My question for you is,

when you were growing up or present day, is there a game that you and your friends or family play when everybody's together, like back in town?

It could be a board game, a card game, any kind of game. And do you love that you guys are always doing that activity or not so much?

Can't wait to hear your answers. We just talked about a game.

That's less of a kid. It's a kissing game.
That's not a family game for sure.

Yeah, what about

that game? Don't do the smooching game with your fam. No, you strike me as someone that would have a game family.
Oh, yeah. It's like how we connect, I think.
I mean, like,

how we connect for how we connect with the horror of us.

My mom and dad play every day at 4 p.m. They play Scrabble and Cribbage.
And

like for two hours, they play games, but we play poker as a family now and

they just annihilate us.

So we play poker and there's a lot of trash talk. But growing up, the only thing I can think of is

that was pretty weird was my grandma's husband. And my grandma died when I was really little.
So I was, I would have been like two when this happened, but I remember it that he was a carpenter.

and so he invented this club that was like the loon club or something and he would carve these little badges with like birds on them and so me and my brother i was like two my brother's six and we were like how do we get in this club basically and he was like i don't know um

you know it's not for kids and stuff and but what it was was you had to walk around the perimeter of the cottage at night by yourself that's what I mean they were just messing with us yeah but that was like how you get in the club and I remember being two and it was snowing I went out

and I was two. I was like, Was anyone watching me? And I walked around in the woods around the house.
That is

a young age to be just gallivanting around in the snow. Yeah, around the house at night.
They were probably watching me.

Yeah. What about you?

My family was not a big game family. We were more of a sporty family.
Right.

So we would play tennis together, soccer outside, or throw catch or play catch, whatever.

Are you and your brother competitive with each other? None of us, I mean, we like to win, but none of us would get so crazy.

We're like, you know, you hear these stories of people and families like having crazy outbursts. Like, it was never like that.

We would like want to win, but we would be chill too. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah. I'm pretty chill about.
losing and stuff.

I know that my parents, because they play every day, it's like for sure there have been moments where it's put a strain like my mom's convinced that my dad has this crazy luck and she's like it's not fair because he has this insane luck so with Scrabble which is not a luck game but she's like it is a luck game because of the the letters that you choose and he always gets like the Y

and she gets stuck with like the shitty letter like a V or whatever so now at the beginning of the game they divide up They make sure they have an equal number of like vowels and stuff, like, which kind of takes out a lot of the fun of the game, but it's they make sure they have an equal chance i mean i guess if it keeps peace in the home

i think it doesn't that was instigated because i think there i think there was a moment where someone ripped the board in half oh no yeah

semi-ironically but yeah yeah how funny there are some families that just love games that's their love language they're like let's sit down and play a board game yeah let's hear uh caroline's answer let's my My answer would be, maybe there's a name for this game.

All I know is that my grandma taught us and used to play with us.

It's similar to Solitaire. Everybody playing has their own deck of cards, but you can play on each other's aces in the middle of the table.

So it becomes kind of like a race to get through and see if you can finish your solitaire game and get your cards up when the opportunity arises on the aces.

I hope that makes sense. I love your show.
Thanks so much. Yeah, we called that spit in Toronto.
Spit. We called it Spit, and

it was really intense. We played it at school a lot.
It gets super fast.

Yeah. Yeah.
I like a fast game.

I've played this game with some friends with dice and someone has to keep score, but you need someone that knows the rules because there are different things to it. It's called Farkle.
Farkle. Yeah.

I love it. I probably shouldn't learn more games because I really have to learn to socialize without them.
Like at my house, I'm really anything. Yeah, you're right, actually.
Fuck it. Yeah.
Yeah.

Let's turn to another question.

Yeah.

Hi, handsomes. This is Annie and Anna.
We are a married couple in New York City, and we have been huge fans of the podcast since the beginning.

Our question is: Have you ever secretly had a favorite when you knew you kind of shouldn't? Like a favorite child or pet or sibling or friend or colleague?

Thanks so much anna and anna are a married couple that's amazing they're married right yeah it sounded like one of them was eating at the same time as talking

or maybe they were

and what if they both went into this as anna and then one of them was like you're gonna need to you're gonna need to you're gonna need to tweak this you're gonna be anna that would be such a top move to be like you change your name

A favorite anything. I always would make my grandmother tell me who her favorite grandchild was.
And it was you? It was me, May. And I got it on video.
Oh, my God. I was about 16 years old.

And my grandmother, it was at my brother's graduation party. And I had this video camera.

Because I really wanted to describe it. I wanted to stick it to him when I was a graduation.

I had one of those old school video cameras. and you know how my accent was back then.
Niana, hi, hi, Niana. I don't need to ask you a question.
Like it was real country. Oh my God.

I have it somewhere. I think I put it on a DVD and I said, hi, Niana.

Hey, who's your favorite grandchild? And she like looked around side to side and then pointed at me. And I was like, yeah.

Oh my God, God. And it was my proudest achievement in all of life.
And then when I did the Tyler Henry medium thing,

my grandmother came through and guess what? He said, She said

that I was her favorite. And wait, didn't he also, because I watched it, didn't he also like point at you? He was like,

or no, that was a different one. I don't remember.
I gotta actually go back and watch it. I never went back.
I think you need to watch it a second time to pick up on other stuff.

But he said, she was like, you're my favorite. That's crazy.
And I called my, one of my brothers, and I said, ha ha,

you see that. And I rubbed it in his face again.
Okay, I feel like we're getting an answer to the question, were you competitive with your brother?

Literally, his deceased grandparent, you're calling him up to rub salt.

And she's been dead for like

27 years.

And I'm still like, in your face. That's so funny.

But I don't know.

Do you have a favorite? Anything that you're not supposed to say is your favorite? I don't think so. Well, we don't have kids.
No, but even when I'm around kids,

even the annoying ones, I just, I think they're magic. So I'm.

I mean, I guess I would have favorites of my friends' kids and stuff. I had two cats growing up, and I guess I did have a favorite because only one of them would let me pick her up.

Yeah. But that's just because very early my parents said that one's yours and that one's your brother's.
So then I bonded with the one they said was mine. Yeah, for sure.

You feeling like kids are magic. Do you think you want to have kids one day, or you don't know? I want

kids in my life. I want to, yeah, I think I want to be a parent.
I don't really care how it happens. It could be someone else's kid who I meet.
It could be adopted. It could be foster kids.

It could be any kids. Yeah.
But I want to like be a safe place for a kid, you know? Aw, well, you'd be very good at it.

You have that fun

imagination and

you like hanging with kids and being creative and doing that kind of fun stuff. Thanks, man.
Yeah. Yeah.

You got nieces and nephews and stuff, right? Yeah, but we're 3,000 miles away. I got nephews.
We're 3,000 miles away since they were basically born. So

I see them, you know, when I can, but it definitely is like, hey, what's up? Hey, kid, how you doing? What up, kid? Yeah, what's your deal?

I'll I'll be like, you want to, like, you know, like, let's go see the movie. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But yeah, when they were really little, I was far away. So, um, yeah, that's tough.
But uh, I mean, you know, listen, my dog Biggie's always my favorite of everything.

Yeah, that counts.

But if you think if you got a puppy at the same time as Biggie, I think Biggie would still win. I think you're right.
I think Biggie. He's just,

you know, that like soul dog, those soul dogs they talk about. Yeah, you were meant to know him.
I know. I haven't seen him in a while, which is hard, but we'll figure it out.
Super hard. But

yeah, he's just a special boy. So it would be hard for anyone to compete with him.
I think I love him more than the cat I had as a child.

I know. I hope.
I think he'll be back

soon, and he'll pop, you know, get here on my desk and sleep during one of our tapings. Yes, please.
Hasn't that

been sad not having his little sweet face go? Why did I? Yeah, I missed the pan over

to him just unconscious. Oh, those were the days.
Yeah, he's a product of divorce.

Well, should we hear any and Ana's answer? Yeah.

Our answer is that we obviously love all three of you so much, but not equally.

Oh, we are enormous fans of Tig and May, but our favorite is Fortune.

We love you, Fortune, and also Tig and May.

Wow.

Okay, I know how it helps to be your brother. I didn't see that coming.
Holy.

Well, I know for a fact, based on our live shows and all the posters that show up in the audience, you are many people's favorites. So, so are you, though.

That is, you know, it is, i mean that is very funny and i i of course people have favorites but the craziest thing is when people come up to you in person and tell you that one of the other two is their favorite like that has happened to me so many times being like yeah i didn't know who you were but um you know that's hilarious

always been my favorite like yeah i get asked a lot if you're uh single and really

and they talk about having a crush on you okay You got to tell them to pre, if they ever meet me, to pretend they don't know who I am and to be really aloof. And then that'll do it.
That'll do it.

Yeah. I don't want to loof.
I don't. No, I don't want to loof either.
I'm just loof is not for me. I don't.

As soon as someone's just like trying to act too cool or like play games, I'm like, no, thanks. Not that I'm

in that space, but like I'm just

like, just be a real person.

I like kind of messy, intense people like yeah i like kind sweet yeah sorry i'm in me too

i don't want to have to beg for someone's uh affection or love no way man no chasing no chasing yeah yeah well

what a fun little little episode always a pleasure uh please keep submitting your questions go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod yeah we love hearing from you

we sure do I keep saying for people to ask us advice, we still don't get that. Yeah, please ask us.

You guys, we're so good at giving advice. And no one, everyone's like, we're good.
We just want to ask you a question.

I mean, would you say our personal lives are to be in shambles? Yeah, to be replicated.

Like, we don't need advice from you guys. Yeah, we're kind of going through it right now.
Yeah. They're like, well, we have had a lot of episodes this summer of all of us crying.

Yeah, we're really happy. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
That is, you know, it's so funny because we, for the longest time, we're like so ridiculous and silly.

And lately, we've just been like crying with each other. I know, I know.

There's nothing wrong. Nothing wrong with that.
But it's just,

you know, I guess we just cover all the all the emotions on this pod. Yeah.
Well, let's keep sending the. the dumb questions then as well.
Yeah.

Not just heavy life advice. That's right.

I got nothing really coming up.

I'm taking it easy, but

I'm gearing up for the release of Wayward. It's coming out in September.
And

yeah, check out my music and stand-up and stuff. What about you? Yeah, just Min Spokane,

that great outdoors comedy festival. And then September gets real busy.
A lot of like Houston and San Antonio. And I got some fun big theaters coming in, like Chicago, Boston, DC.

So get your tickets. Yeah.

Well,

in the meantime, yeah, just keep it pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.