Pretty Little Episode #50

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the Handsome Pods.

Pretty little episode.

It's your gal, Fortune Feamster.

And it is your dear, dear, dear friend, Tignotaro.

And we're back, baby.

We sure are, baby.

I love when you call me baby.

Listen.

Because you're my baby, baby.

I know I am.

I know I am.

I know I am.

Boo-goo, boo-goo, book.

Do you like pet names?

Do you and Stephanie go all goo-goo gaga with each other?

I mean,

yeah, we have pet names.

I mean, do people not?

Are people in relationship?

Are you not?

No, I love a pet name.

Okay, Listen, call me sweet cheeks all day long.

Okay, call me garbage tits all day long.

That's quite a pet name.

No, I like all that.

I like all that sappy stuff.

Yeah, yeah.

We have numerous names for each other.

And in fact,

so much so we have pet names that has this ever happened to you?

We have called each other that because you know how you're so used to calling somebody a name

and then like

you have friends over and then you accidentally address them.

You accidentally call them sugar tits.

Yeah, exactly.

But it just sounds like their name to you.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

But I mean, are there people just walking around the planet in relationships, not calling each other?

Like Thomas, do you and Laura have bookie boogie bookie names?

Yeah, we have a couple like that.

Of course.

Yeah, I mean, there's got to be some couples that don't do that at all, that think it's gross, but I would think for the most part, love

brings that out of you.

Yeah, yeah.

So you caught me.

We say those names.

Yeah.

Okay.

I also want to give.

I also want to give people a little peek behind the curtain.

We had some technical difficulties, and I normally like to groove along with the theme song, but I couldn't hear it in my headphones for some reason.

So, if you're watching on YouTube, which I know many of you are, you'll see that I don't really know what's going on during the theme song.

You're just this,

yeah, I'm just like

in your closet.

Thomas was grooving, though.

Yeah, we were both grooving.

It's hard not to jam to that song.

It's very catchy.

It's real good.

It's

a great job.

So, what's shaking?

Bacon.

Yeah.

That's vegan.

Yeah.

What's shaking, vegan bacon?

Not much.

Just living my life.

I went to Milwaukee this past weekend.

Well, as one does when they're living their life.

We're all in Milwaukee.

It's a beautiful city.

I love it.

Right there on the water.

Here's my prediction.

Milwaukee is going to become an explosively cool city one day.

I feel like getting cool, I think.

I know it's already cool.

I know it.

And the people that know that it's cool are there.

But I think in a much bigger, on a much bigger level, people are going to get hip to Milwaukee.

In fact, it might be happening because of this episode.

I think it's happening because

they got some cool places there.

I went to Summerfest

for a gig, not stand-up, but just was was doing some work there.

Tap dancing.

It's got like 600 performers over three weekends.

It's pretty, pretty big

music festival.

Yeah.

That was really cool.

And it's by the water, and there's some neat like restaurants over there.

I enjoyed myself.

Had you been there before?

I have been there to do stand-up, which actually their theater, the Paps Theater

and the Riverside Theater, two of my favorite theaters.

And

part of that's because the people are great.

But the green room, especially at the Paps, has all these arcade games and records.

And it's like such a cool vibe.

And they have a barista,

a full-on coffee situation with a barista in the green room before the show.

And that is like my dream come true.

Are you listening, other theaters?

Are you listening?

Yeah, because that one, I went, Are you kidding me right now?

I can get whatever coffee drink I want.

They're like, Yeah, this is this is for you.

Yeah, it's, I mean, I

really feel like we're going to be making some Milwaukee folk happy talking about their city, their very cool city.

And it was the home of Laverne and Shirley, right?

That's right.

Yeah, what's do you know?

What was their little song they sang?

We know it.

Thomas, can you look up what their song was?

Shamil.

Yeah.

That was a good show.

It really stuck with us.

That was a show I watched.

It was a show I saw reruns of more than watched.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight.

Shlamil.

Schlamazel.

Hausen Pfeiffer Incorporated.

I don't think I'm doing it right.

Five, six, seven, eight, Shamil.

Shamazel.

Hausen Pfeiffer Incorporated.

We're gonna do I mean who I mean, it's such a catchy song, but who on earth wrote this thinking this is the theme song for this show?

I feel like if this would turn with if this was turned in these days, they would be like, I'm sorry, one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, Shamil Shimazil.

Like, what is this enough and corporated?

Yeah.

We're going to do it.

Give us

any chance, we'll take it.

Read us any rule, we'll break it.

See, that part makes sense.

The beginning part doesn't read like it's going to be a hit song.

Yeah.

You can agree?

I can totally agree.

That does not scream hit to me.

And the hit part, again, is we're going to do it.

Give us any chance.

We'll take it.

Read us any rule.

We'll break it.

We're going to make our dreams come true, doing it our way.

Nothing's going to turn us.

And then that, I feel like, is where a producer might say, and I'm sorry, it ends there.

Nothing's going to turn us.

Yeah.

Wow.

We really broke this down.

Look, this is the Milwaukee episode.

Like it or not.

Should we go to

questions

from our listeners before we get too many people moving to Milwaukee and taking our little cute condo on the river?

Because we're going to live there, Sugarbug.

Sugar booboo.

Sugar what?

Sugar boo-boo.

Sugar boo-boo.

That's me.

Hi, handsomes.

This is Amy coming to you from Kitchener, Ontario, Canada.

Love you.

Love the pod.

My question is, what is one of your frivolous regrets?

regrets?

I'm not talking about a serious one, not talking about anything life-changing, just something inconsequential that still haunts you.

Hmm.

Hmm.

A frivolous regret.

Do you think of like purchases when you hear that?

Or like an action?

You know, I'm just now thinking about this for the first time in my life, Fortune.

I don't know how or what I feel.

This doesn't really feel that frivolous, but I guess I think of

a regret

that's really not that big of a deal.

I guess I had a lake, which would make it frivolous, right?

Yeah, I guess so.

I had a lake house in my hometown,

and it was something I'd always wanted growing up.

Like, we did not have a lot of money, and anyone who lived on the lake, I just thought, oh my God, they have made it.

What a life they have.

And I got an opportunity to buy a a place on the lake.

And in a lot of ways, it made sense that I ended up selling it.

But sometimes I regret that.

And sometimes I wish I still had it, especially now that my mom's going through what she's going through.

I would actually really love to have a place in my hometown to be able to go back there more easily.

Do you stay with your mother?

No,

she is in a little apartment.

And so I just stay at the local, one of the local little like Hampton Inn or Best Western, you know, whatever those are.

A room number.

And we could put something in there.

Changes.

But

which is fine, but it would just be so much easier now

having a place.

But it was a lot of upkeep, you know, not living there.

Any house on the water requires more maintenance.

So I understood why

we sold it, but there are some regrets there at times.

But it's also like not a big deal.

It's like, whatever.

We did it.

It's done.

But I think about that sometimes.

Yeah.

Yep.

I can see that.

Okay.

Stephanie and I adopted two cats in the pandemic.

I wish I had snuck a third one in there.

Because

here's the thing: is we have

three cats and then four people in our family.

and we really want an orange kitty

to round out the crew.

And we're all, me and Max, and Finn have all been asking for an orange kitty.

And Stephanie's like,

she's put her foot down, yeah, she put her paw down, and she's like, guys, I really feel like we have enough kitties.

Yeah, I mean, I guess if you're getting two, sneaking the third one in there would have been the time.

Yes, yeah, that was the time because I just torture myself when I um, when I go by,

little adoption places.

I'm like, don't look, don't look, don't you look, don't look.

You really love those kitties.

I do, but I love dogs too.

I mean, listen, we also have our little dream dogs in our family that we all talk about.

Stephanie wants a golden retriever.

Finn wants a

corgi.

Max wants a long-haired wiener dog.

And I would like an Australian sheepdog.

Oh, okay.

You just want a whole barn.

We do.

We do.

All right.

I could see that for you one of these days.

Yeah, one of these days.

So that's a frivolous regret that I didn't just throw another kitty in there.

Yeah.

All right.

I didn't know it was my last chance.

Well, let's hear what Amy's answer is.

It's going to be good.

I know it.

My frivolous regret is that when I was on maternity leave with my second child, the museum in town was hiring someone to be in a realistic dinosaur costume to perform at these exhibitions at the museum.

And I was the right height for it because you needed to be a specific size.

And I really wanted to, but I didn't go for it.

And when I went and saw the show and saw that person in the dinosaur costume, I was so jealous.

And that's all I wanted to do.

That's my frivolous regret.

Can't wait to hear yours.

Bye-bye.

That's a good one.

Yeah, very different from selling a lake house.

I know, mine wasn't as frivolous.

I just couldn't think of anything.

Mine was more of a, I guess, bigger life regret, but at the end of the day, who cares?

Did you ever learn how to break dance?

No, but I really wanted to.

I grew up.

Okay, there you go.

Yeah, that is a regret for sure.

Yeah.

There are certain regrets like that.

Like, I never learned a skateboard.

Now I'm too afraid.

I am a responsible adult who doesn't want to break bones.

Yeah.

But it's when you're young when you got to learn to that kind of stuff when you have no fear.

Absolutely.

So yeah, break dancing would have been a nice one.

Because I grew up on those breakdancing movies.

You remember those in the 80s?

I didn't watch them.

I was like,

you know, I think the last movie I watched around that time was Urban Cowboy, and then I was out, you know?

Yeah.

Any hoodles.

Any hoodles.

Mr.

Thomas, what else you got for us?

Hi, Handsoms.

This is Ella and her one-year-old son, Levon, calling.

Nice.

We live in North Carolina and love you so much.

You make me laugh a lot.

And I know one day you'll make Levon laugh also.

My question is, if you had had to put a bunker pair bumper sticker on your car, which bumper sticker would you put on and why?

Um, or if you already have a bumper sticker on your car, what does it say?

And why is it there?

May, I know you don't drive, so this is hypothetical, but you get the picture.

That's why we're leaving May out of this one because May does not drive and cannot answer this.

Sorry, because we're mad at May.

We are so I'm not a big bumper sticker on the car kind of gal.

But so

in real life, I'm not going to put any bumper sticker on my car.

But I did see one bumper sticker that someone had, and it has stuck with me for years.

And

I guess if I had to put a sticker on my car, it would be this, and it just said fart gas.

Wait,

what does that mean?

I don't know.

It just said fart gas.

And you would put that on your car, Fortune?

Fortune, Marie.

Look at me and tell me.

You would put that on your car?

Because it makes no sense and it's funny.

That is the very last bumper sticker I would ever put on my car.

And I even took a picture of the car, and I still have it in my phone.

That's how much it stuck with me.

My friend,

Megan, who is a handsome listener.

Hello, Megan.

Her father is in his 80s, and he is, he likes, this guy lives life.

He plays pickleball obsessively.

He's scuba diving, searching for treasure, and like,

yeah, ships that have,

what is it?

Sunk?

Sunk.

Thank you.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

What is it called?

Sunk?

That's right.

Anyway, he is very sensitive about getting older because he just, I mean, this guy does not stop.

Last time I was at his house,

Joe brings me up to his second story wanting to show me all of his new cameras.

Yeah.

You know, I mean, this is a guy that is not

packing up in life.

You know what I mean?

He has lighting packages.

He's got cameras and movie cameras and iPods or iPods, tripods, whatever.

Why am I talking about him?

I don't know.

We were going from bumper stickers to him.

Oh,

Megan one time put a bumper sticker on the back of his car that said,

be patient, elderly driver.

That's funny.

So funny.

If you knew Joe.

But anyway, it's funny that this question came up up because not only did it get to give me a chance to talk about Joe, but

just yesterday, me, Stephanie, Max, and Finn

were walking down the sidewalk and saw this

car

full of bumper stickers, not just on the bumper, but on the windows, like the side windows.

And every bumper sticker said the F word in it.

Oh.

And so we, it was parked on the side of the street, parallel parked, and we were all laughing, just walking around the car, reading the different F-word bumper stickers.

And we were like, come here, look at this one.

And then there's also, you know, giving the finger.

And it was such a funny decision this person had made.

They did.

Right.

I think I'd go with fart gas.

No, you wouldn't.

It was on an electric vehicle.

That's why I think it said fart gas.

I don't know.

Oh, okay.

I would go with

probably something as basic as like the pretenders.

Okay.

You know?

Yeah.

Just keeping it simple.

Yeah, or I could see myself,

I've seen this bumper sticker a million times.

Who knew that I had so much to say about this?

I know.

I've seen this bumper sticker a million times, and it's terribly dorky.

But

I think I would just go ahead and get it for myself and do it upside down like a lot of people do.

A pineapple?

No.

What is it?

Because

you're a swinger now.

I'm a swinger now.

That's what an upside-down pineapple is.

Oh, I think I remember that.

No, I'm not a swinger.

I knew that.

Oh, Poe Buddy's nerfict.

Say it again.

Poe Buddy's nerfed.

I like that.

That's so dumb.

Pobody's nerfed.

Yeah.

Or maybe I'd just film my car with just F.

I don't even have a car.

Stephanie has a car.

I don't have a car.

I think you guys should have the ones with the outline, like the stick figures of each of you.

And

for all of you, and Megafin and the three kitties.

And then throw an orange kitty.

And then put you and put Pookie Bear over you.

Dumpster did

over me.

I want to see that on the elves car.

My mom had a, my mom loves stickers on a car.

Oh, what does she have?

But the problem is she puts them on like crooked and stuff.

She's not very precise.

Yeah, so then it just looks like wonky.

She had on her old car an Obama sticker.

And being in the South she got a lot of dirty looks from people

did she also yell out my daughter's gay

she does she

like me now she she didn't she get the dirtiest looks and she did not sweat it at all

she's loud and proud of her uh being a Democrat man I remember unrelated to politics or anything if people upset my mother when she was driving, she gave them the bird and I'd be like, stop.

She would just be like,

I was like, oh, God.

I was mortified.

Anyway, let us hear Ella's answer.

If

I had to put a bumper sticker on my car,

speaking to three comedians, I want to be clever and cheeky, but in all honesty, I would have a bumper sticker that said, I wish you well.

Because

could you imagine if we were in a world where we were all well?

It would would look really different from the world we're in now, I think.

And, you know,

we don't need any more road rage than already exists out there.

So I wish you all well.

And thanks for doing what you do.

Keep up the good work.

Nice.

That was like a positive message.

That could also be on an engraved license plate.

Yeah, but I was also thinking if Ella gets rear-ended, she would not wish them well.

Well, no, I would be, if I rear-ended Ella and I was slamming into a bumper sticker that said, I wish you well,

I would, I would not be very scared to go and say my apologies.

I was

looking for something under my seat and I slammed into you.

And I

thank you for wishing me well.

It makes me think of Gwyneth Paltrow.

She got sued by a guy on a ski mountain.

That is one of Stephanie's greatest obsessions in life.

Oh my god, that trial was unbelievable.

Stephanie followed that.

Yeah, and they found the guy, like, you know, he said he had all these ailments, and they found all these pictures of him just like traveling and living his best life.

So she sued him, you know, counter-sued him for a dollar because he sued her for running into him.

Yeah.

And she, the biggest F you, but like

this with a smile on her face, I wish you well.

Everyone was like, oh!

no, because she didn't.

Because she didn't.

So, yeah, it could have, it could be sincere.

It could not be.

Depends on the person reading it, their take of it.

Yes, yes.

I feel like anyone reading

Gwyneth's face in that moment probably, I didn't see it, but the way you're describing it, it doesn't seem like she must have moved.

But anyway.

Yeah, it was more of like, good good try, buddy.

Yeah.

I wish you well.

I wish you well.

I'm going to take my dollar and waste of my time and get out of here.

Well,

what a fun prelo episode.

I like these questions.

Yes.

I always, I can't, I love getting these.

I can't wait to hear what they have to ask us because it's always.

interesting and well thought out you know because not that our our guests don't have great questions but our listeners are really

thinking about questions for a while because they listen to this show.

So, and they know what's been asked and what hasn't.

And so it's just, it's really fun.

Such a treat.

So, Fortune, what do you have going on?

I'm going to Iceland doing a show in Reykjavik

here in a week.

And then just starting back on my tour with like Boston and Chicago and Salt Lake City and Atlanta, Norfolk, all those places.

Well, I've got some shows, Fortune.

Cool.

Yeah, I'm going to be at the West Hampton Beach Performing Arts Center in West Hampton Beach, New York on August 17th.

Provincetown Town Hall in P-Town, Massachusetts, August 23rd.

And then I'll be in Los Angeles working out some new material at Dynasty Typewriter September 21st.

But

I feel like, I don't know, our work here is done.

And until next time,

keep it pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a

podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a hit gum podcast.