Pretty Little Episode #47

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Hello, welcome to a pretty little episode of The Handsome Pod.

I'm Mae Martin.

I'm joined by Fortune Famester.

We're feeling handsome today.

Sancha, are you?

Yeah.

Yeah, me too, actually.

Yeah.

Why not?

Yeah.

I've got into kind of a toxic thing with my trainer, Elliot, who,

because he cracks my back, and he's like the only person that can do it.

And so

I'm always like, can you crack my back?

And it's...

I don't think he likes doing it.

I think it freaks him out.

Yeah, I wouldn't.

I don't think I would enjoy that either because I would be worried I was doing something hurtful to you.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But you liked your back cracks?

Oh,

I really do.

It's like I put my arms, my hands behind my head like this,

and then sort of pull my elbows forward.

And then they, the person has to be taller than me.

So you, you could do it.

I know you don't.

So you could.

I would love this.

And then they just kind of lift up and back.

And yeah, I wonder if it's doing damage.

I don't know.

I don't go to like

chiropractors or get, I don't get like the, because you hear these i know a lot of people go and it's totally fine but every now and then you hear a gnarly story of like something going awry i know and it's like if there is that risk why i mean i went for like the first time really pretty recently and and um the guy felt like a kind of stereotype of a

rude doctor kind of oh really yeah he didn't even look at me really he was like oh come on now he was like nothing's wrong with you it's just postural and i was like but you haven't touched me yet Or

I haven't told you what the problem is.

That's weird.

Yeah.

Are you a person that like cracks your knuckles and stuff?

I do crack my knuckles.

I used to crack my neck, but I don't anymore.

Does it really repulse you?

It does not repulse me.

I don't do it, but it does not repulse me.

Okay.

Yeah.

I'm more of a like fidgeter.

I'm always like kind of doing things with my fingers.

I don't know how to like some people call it stemming or whatever, but

I don't know what that is.

Did you ever get a fidget spinner when those were big?

I never really got into it, but in the writer's room, when we had the writer's room, I bought all kinds of weird little toys for people to keep them focused.

Yeah, my mom would be like,

stop messing with your hands or fingers or whatever.

Like, okay, I didn't even know I was doing it.

Really?

Yeah.

When you act, do you ever overthink?

Your hands like

yeah, sometimes you don't know what to do with it.

And like,

I don't think about it more you don't know what to do with your hands.

Yeah, I'm always like, yeah, I'm always like kind of putting them in pockets or on the side of my hips.

Like, yeah,

yeah, it's it is a weird thing where because you're suddenly very conscious of your body when you're on screen.

Oh my god, yeah, someone goes just walk across the room and you're like, How do you walk again?

Like, yeah, and it feels so unnatural all of a sudden.

When do we know about your show as far as the it's being completed?

Do you know anything

i don't know if i'm allowed to say like no not like the premiere date or anything but are you close to it being um

delivered so close and it's um yeah maybe by the time this comes out no i think it'll be all delivered by july 16th

completely sound mixed color graded and then it comes out in um

soon after that you've been seeing sneak peeks what are you thinking oh i'm pumped yeah

yeah i'm really pumped and scared.

It's weird.

It's really weird.

But, like, has it come together in a way that you hoped?

Yeah, it has.

It's different to what I imagined, of course, but it's,

yeah, it's like a weird kind of parable or something.

Because it's a thriller, right?

It's a thriller, but it's not like a procedural cop thriller.

It's like

a weird little small town.

All the characters are bizarre.

Dark shit is happening.

People are funny.

Oh, well,

I'm in it.

So,

yeah.

It's all about the gay stuff.

Yeah, there's lots of gay stuff with me and my wife and some of the teens and

lots of straight stuff, too.

Straight stuff for the straight folks and gay stuff for the gay folks.

And

everything in between.

There's toads in it for the toads, for the toad community.

Animal stuff.

Yeah.

All right.

I hope you like it.

I'm pumped, bud.

That's a huge accomplishment.

Thanks.

I'll invite you guys, of course, to the premiere.

I hope they have an LA one.

I know.

Be a Toronto one, but yeah.

And what about you?

How are you feeling about

all the way?

I was going to say about Fubar being out in the world, but we're recording this before it's come out.

Yeah, I mean, it's so fun to film something, and you work so hard in long days.

And just to kind of finally have it come out to the world to see why you disappeared for five months

is cool.

And to show people another side of yourself and what you can do.

Not that I'm a huge departure in what I'm doing, but you know, just me shooting a gun is fun and weird and running from explosions is pretty cool.

I did not think someone like me would get that kind of opportunity.

So it makes me feel good that I can just, you know,

do something like that that many people don't get the opportunity to do.

It's the childhood dream.

It's like, I will never become jaded about it, I think.

It's too cool.

Like, yeah, I was at a party the other day, and then someone was, I mentioned the new Mission Impossible, which I didn't love.

I love Tom and I love Mission Impossible.

And I was like,

but, but it's incredible still.

Like, the stunts are insane.

Yeah.

Insane.

And this person was like, all those movies are trash.

Like, it's terrible.

That's not entertainment.

Like, we're so, we're so dumb.

And I was like, I wanted to say, say, like,

it takes so much work to make something.

And those are objectively not terrible movies.

Like,

the first three, especially, are incredible movies.

Like,

yeah, I get it if it's not your taste or your genre, but like, that's

value.

Yeah, once you've spent months and months on set for like 17-hour days,

it's hard to, you know, totally crap on a movie or a TV show.

You can see like where it went awry or whatever but yeah you know how much work went into it from so many people that you just have to like appreciate it for what it is totally and the business is in such a bad spot right now so many people aren't working that anything that gets made truly at the moment is

a big a big deal yeah yeah I wonder if we'll ever, if you, if you do another season of Fubar, if we'll be in Toronto at the same time again, that'll be fun.

Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know what's going to happen with that show.

Sometimes Netflix is

a two-and-done kind of thing.

Sometimes it's three.

We'll see.

Yeah.

Well, let's get

some questions.

Yes, please.

Hi, handsome.

This is Melissa.

This question is being submitted in response to May's request for more hypotheticals in honor of Fortune's early career as a journalist and to give Tig a chance to do her good deed for the day.

No pressure.

Hypothetical.

If you were a successful career journalist at the largest circulation media outlet of all time and could therefore reach a vast audience with your human interest story of uplifting news and positivity, what story would you write?

Huh.

Oh, wow.

I think it could be anything, right?

It could be like a personal story.

Right, okay.

Or a news story or a historical story or

positive human interest.

Hmm.

It sounds so like Pollyanna, but you know, something on looking at the glass half full and what that means and having that as your lens to the world, I would not mind some kind of piece on that.

I've been thinking lately about that and how lucky I am,

even through some hard times that I've been dealing with.

I naturally wake up seeing the glass half full.

It is my

factory setting

as a human.

And I know that that is not the case for everybody.

That sometimes just waking up and feeling good is such a struggle for so many people.

So the fact that it is the factory setting for me, I'm so grateful for and how that influences my life and relationships and friendships and I don't know, do something maybe on that of like yeah, on gratitude and like

and helping people get there because you're right it's like easier said than done and so like helping people tap into that that's a good idea yeah i would maybe

i just remember i remember when i was in rehab and i was 18 and there was a creative writing competition and there were only like 10 of us in this rehab program and part of it was helping to get your ged like doing some high school classes and stuff.

And so I wrote like a short story and

one of the teachers was really supportive and like entered it in a competition.

And it was like in the finals of this competition.

But it was such a like

beacon of light for me at that time.

Like, I couldn't believe it.

So, I think I would maybe use my column to,

you know, get a troubled teen in a rehab center to write a short story or a poem, like, use it as a little

thing that, like, especially, yeah, teens.

Yeah, for sure.

I mean, mean, they're the ones that need to hear those kind of things.

Yeah.

Especially if they're struggling.

Like, I would, you could submit and then you'd, you publish, like, uh, something written by a teen or even someone in, someone in prison who's interested in creative writing.

Who has like, yeah.

Yeah.

I love that.

Should we hear the answer?

Mm-hmm.

From Melissa.

I would write a story of all the very tiny acts of kindness I saw in a single day.

Someone offering to carry groceries for an older person, a genuine smile from a cashier at McDonald's, a driver who intentionally slowed down to let someone in, the guy in front of me at Starbucks who paid for a random stranger's coffee, and the lady who lives down my street out walking her foster dogs.

It would just be an aggregate of the tiniest stories of a day, but hopefully it would make people smile to read it.

Aw, I love that.

I like those acts of small acts of kindness.

If

people did more of that, it would add up to big,

big, big things.

Yeah, I like that a lot, and I like the use of the word aggregate, which I've never used.

I got a Google, and I guess it means a combination of many things, but love that.

Very good.

Should we hear another one?

Hey, handsome pod.

This is Leslie from Maine.

And I'm curious, what jingle from a commercial from your childhood lives rent-free in your brain?

Oh my god,

I know this one because we used to sing it all the time when I was in tennis.

Let's hear it.

My name is Coco, and I swing from the tree.

I live in the jungle, I'm a monkey, you see.

Whenever I get hungry, I do as I please, but I'd rather have a bowl of Coco Krispies.

Oh, yeah.

Coco,

oh, yeah,

Chrispies.

Oh yeah.

I haven't sang that since college.

I can't believe it's still in my brain.

Oh my God.

Did you ever hear that?

I've never heard that.

Coco Krispies.

And was that across America or just in your state?

Yeah, I think it was national commercial.

Oh yeah.

I love when it breaks down at the end just to the oh yeah.

And was the monkey character really memorable?

It was like an animated character, I believe.

Wow.

Mine is is shorter and it's uh

i maybe like once a week i wake up saying it oh yeah it just goes sleep country canada why buy a mattress say anywhere else

thomas

yells canadian thing oh yeah that hits yeah that's hard that's a banger and also i there was a show called um Breaker High that I used to rush home to watch with actually Ryan Gosling was in it.

And the theme song went, Na-na, na-na-na, hey, hey, carry me away.

And in my mind, this was throughout my childhood.

And I just found out there was only one season of it.

Oh, yeah.

It really stuck with you.

Yeah, yeah.

It must have been just like one year that I watched it.

I think jingles are fun.

There's one in LA that for years is always, they still use it.

I think it's like keys, keys, keys, keys on van ice.

What?

It's a car play.

Keys, keys, keys, keys on fan ice.

Whoa, scary.

I know there's so many more jingles that

I can just not.

11, 11, phone, pizza, pizza.

Hey, hey, hey.

Is that another Canadian thing?

Yeah.

And Canadian listeners are pumped right now.

And there was a guy called Russell Oliver who would buy your jewelry and sell it.

And so he had, but he had tons of TV ads and he'd go, I buy your jewelry.

He had a sort of weird accent.

I'm Russell Oliver.

I'm the cashman.

The cashman.

Yeah, it was really strange.

Maybe he was Australian.

Well,

any of those catchy things I do think was good for the business.

So

you wanted to bring back jingles is what I say.

Well, so those were the days where you had like four TV channels.

And so you're seeing these commercials all the time and you're listening to the radio on the way to school every day.

Like,

I think our ads on Handsome, we should be more empowered to improvise jingles for.

I think we'd sell more.

You never know.

Yeah.

You're our music writer.

No, but you're better at

a jingle.

I don't write it.

I'll just do what you tell me that you came up with.

Okay.

I'll write some.

Okay.

I wonder if All State would be into it.

Maybe.

Let's hear Leslie's answer.

I grew up in Massachusetts, and there's a commercial jingle from a furniture store called Bernie and Phils.

And it goes, Bernie and Phil's quality, comfort, and price.

That's nice.

Oh,

I like the rhyme.

Thanks, everyone.

Love the pod.

Love a rhyme.

Love Leslie's commitment to that.

I love, that's nice.

That's nice.

Yeah, that's great.

Amazing.

Let's hear another one.

Hi, May Fortune and Tig.

My name is Sarah.

I'm a big, big fan from over here in Australia or Australia.

Australia, as we like to say.

I once laughed so hard at the podcast while I was in the car that I reversed into a pole.

Oh, no.

So with that in mind,

my car and myself are fine, by the way.

Good.

In case you were wondering.

But with that in mind, I want to know if you guys were Transformers, what vehicle would you turn into?

Transformers more than meets the eye.

Is it robots in disguise?

Is it?

I don't know the rest of it.

I don't know it either, but I know that.

Yeah, the greatest jingle, though.

Um, it's not a commercial,

but

for TV, will always be the Golden Girls.

Can you sing it?

Oh,

CJ, Jake's not here.

I welcome the singing.

Thank you for being a friend.

Traveled down the road and back again.

Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant.

And if you threw a party, invited everyone you knew,

you would see the biggest gift would be from me.

And the card attached would say, Thank you for being a friend.

Yeah,

you crush that.

Do they have that in karaoke places?

They should, because the whole crowd would go nuts.

I have sang it at my show before.

I had someone ask me, I'm doing a little QA at the end of my live shows, and someone said, if you could remake a 90 sitcom, what would it be?

And I said, The Golden Girls.

And then I started singing the theme song.

And the entire 2,500-seat 2,500-seat theater of people started singing it with me.

And it was one of the coolest moments that now I want to sing it at every show, and maybe I will.

I think you should.

You could just introduce it that way.

You're just like, guys, I'm just singing this now.

Yeah, guys, this is just part of it now.

Get on board.

Also, yeah, if you're going to have a big group of people gathered in one place and you know it's an option to all sing that, why would you not?

Yeah,

Transformers.

Oh, yeah, Transformers.

Yeah, we got back on jar.

Are you a car?

Well, you're not really a car person because you don't even drive.

Not a car person.

So

you're not even into looking at them.

Not really.

Like,

I'm not into looking at them.

I turn them over.

I love the looks of a car.

I don't know.

No, I don't.

I think if I would transform into one of those propeller hats

and zoom away.

Yeah.

It's you in the hat just going,

yeah.

I see that for you.

I like to drive a lot.

It started young for me.

I think I've told you guys this.

I started driving in the cemetery when I was 12.

Yes.

And

my grandmother would be, you know, working, planting flowers at the tombstone.

And I just...

casually gotten her giant Caprice Classic and just started driving it around.

No one, she had no qualms about it, was not like, hey, don't do that.

She just was like, when I returned with the car, she was like, you ready to go?

I'm like, yeah.

But you were by yourself in the car?

Oh, yeah, by myself.

I always thought it was like, you know,

lessons.

Oh, my God.

Fortune.

Totally by myself at 12.

That's insanity.

I was going to say, I mean, it was the 90s.

Yeah, I know.

You just did these things, but it was an open cemetery.

Like, you could see everything.

So I would know if there was another car in there and I would not drive by another car.

I would like I would have pulled over or something, so I could see what I was working with.

I guess I was tall for 12, but right that being said, I loved a go-kart, love anything with a wheel, a steering wheel.

I loved it.

So, I don't know if I were to be a transformer.

Um, maybe like uh, I like the big cars, like a Bronco, something real dikey like that.

Yeah, big dikey Bronco,

dikey Bronco

or some kind of big car.

SUV.

Oh, yeah, Ford Bronze.

Well, one of those vintage ones would be cool where you pop the top.

Yeah, that's a good answer.

Should we hear Sarah's answer?

I think if I were a Transformer, I would be like a fun little Vespa.

Not really sure why, but I just think it would be fun to zip around.

in Italy or, you know, anywhere really as a Vesper.

Thanks, guys.

For sure.

that.

But also, let's not forget you're trying to defeat Optimus Prime.

So, you don't want to be, I mean, the propeller hat and the Vespa are pretty useless.

Yeah, you're only more Bronco for sure.

You need the Bronco, yeah.

And I don't want a convertible because

my curls, you know, I don't want to mess up my curls.

Right, right.

Yeah, you got to keep those pristine.

For sure.

Well, that was a joy.

It was, absolutely.

I'm going to have all those jingles stuck in my head now.

And thank you for being a friend.

Yeah.

You got anything coming up?

I got nothing coming up.

I'm just chilling this summer.

I hope everyone else is chilling as well.

I'm trying to spend time off my phone.

Yeah.

But if you do feel like sitting in front of a screen, you could always watch one of my specials or feel good or something.

And I'll be back doing live shows soon.

What about you?

I'm in Edmonton in July for the Great Outdoors Comedy Festival with Mateo Lane.

And then starting September, I'm doing a bunch of stuff.

San Antonio, Houston, Norfolk, and Richmond, and D.C., Portland, Maine, all these places.

Boston.

It's going to be a busy fall.

You should check out a song called Portland, Maine by Donovan Woods.

Really beautiful song.

Portland, Maine.

I don't know.

It's really good.

I don't remember any of the other lyrics.

Look it up.

Yeah.

How did you like your exes?

Good morning.

Shouting morning.

In the morning.

Morning.

Yeah, but also keep sending your questions and your hypotheticals to speakpipe.com/slash handsome pod.

We love hearing them.

And I'd like to hear some advice questions too.

I feel like we get pretty good advice.

So I think if you guys are in need of any sort of help with anything, let us know.

Yes, situations in your life.

I also, when I said fuck there, I suddenly was like, oh God, why did I say that?

And then I remembered I'm an adult and I can say it.

That's right.

You're not getting in trouble here, bud.

Yeah.

Little cowboy, you're good.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, I guess all that remains is for everyone to please remember at all times to keep it

pretty

handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod.

What a

podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.