Rhett & Link ask about morning routines

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Cheers.

Welcome to the Handsome Pod.

I'm Fortune Feemster.

And I'm Tig Notaro.

And I also am May Martin.

Woohoo!

Also implies that we are May Martin.

Yeah, yeah, or that I am also Tig Notaro.

Yeah, yep, yep.

Yeah.

We are individuals.

Yeah, we are, although increasingly connected.

That's right.

We're just life one.

One big, handsome

boob.

One big, handsome blob.

Wait, boob, booby eyes.

One handsome boob.

That is one sharp, handsome boob.

I'm sticking with it.

I'm going to commit to that.

Okay.

I recently heard a guy behind me goes, Hey, handsome.

And I just assumed it was a listener.

So I go, Hey, and he was talking to someone else, his friend.

And he was like, What?

Like,

what?

That's hilarious.

I know.

I get a lot of keep it handsome.

So maybe we should encourage people to make sure to use keep it handsome so that May doesn't turn around to find out that they are talking to me the handsome one.

Although you are, you are the handsome one.

But

this is true.

Well, you're both looking very handsome at the moment.

Tig, you've had a haircut.

I'd like to comment.

I have.

I have had quite a haircut.

And this has even grown out for a week and a half.

Seriously?

Yeah.

Yep.

This has grown out.

It's good.

It's very, it's sharp.

It's clean.

It's almost military, a little bit.

It's very, very short.

You're going to boot camp i am um boob camp boob camp handsome boob camp

god that sounds fun

yeah i i when i was getting my hair cut i turned to stephanie i was like is this too short and she was like no like she loves it when my hair is so short

um so i immediately am like All right, I'm on board.

Great.

Yeah.

That's great.

I mean, you're only really trying to impress one person.

That's right.

How are you both?

Where are you both?

You're in

the closet.

I am in a closet.

She's in the closet.

I am back in the closet.

Happy to be here.

It feels comfortable and

familiar, very familiar to be in the closet.

Yeah, I'm just traveling around.

It looks like Fortune's just home with her plastic plant.

Yeah, there it is.

I am.

Yeah, I'm at home right now, which is surprising.

I've been in and out.

And the plant's thriving.

The plant has stayed alive.

I didn't have to water it.

Because it's plastic.

Yeah.

Just to be clear.

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

This is great.

Why would I want a real one right now when I could have this thrive?

Yeah, you're right.

So wait, have you been touring or

filming?

Yeah, June was crazy.

I was, I had shows every weekend out of town

and then stopped in to see Ging.

Tig made a cute video on a bench for Ginger and she said to tell you thank you.

She goes, I have no way to tell Tig thank you.

I'm like, I have a way.

I did not do it for a thank you from Ginger.

I was truly just walking along and I saw a bench and I was like, oh, I'm going to go sit down.

I was like, hold on a minute.

This feels like a moment.

And then I also thought.

I was going to post it on my page, but then I just thought, there's probably a lot of people in my life that don't know what this means.

So I was like, Thomas, can you just put this on the hands?

I did it on my stories, but I was like,

what'd you say?

I didn't see this.

Oh, I just said that I was sitting on a bench and sending positive thoughts to Ginger.

And I guess I could have given it a description in my post, but

she loved it.

Okay.

I went home to visit her.

It was really cool.

She came to my show in Asheville, North Carolina, and she was backstage with me up until the show started because she's got to wear a mask right now in public just because her immunity is down.

And she walked into the theater like right before she was in the street.

And because she's a star.

And that, you know,

she's like Justin Bieber.

Yeah.

So she comes out in the front from backstage to go to her seat.

the whole audience, like 2,400 people, stood up and clapped.

Oh my God, I'd be like, Dim gave her this like

amazing standing ovation.

I was backstage and I heard this like roar and I was like, what was that?

And it kept going

and I was like, oh my God.

And then I kind of, I was like, I think maybe this is for my mom.

And

she got, my brother told me she got really emotional and it just like

she just couldn't believe it.

It was so sweet, like just for

all those people to do that for her.

And like people were showing up to shows and giving me cards for her.

And it's just really incredible the amount of is she just feeling it big time for sure that's i think she sat down and just all the emotions came from that just such a grand gesture so to everyone in asheville that was really really cool and um then i i went home with her for a couple days and i went with her uh to her chemo appointment

um just wanted to kind of see what it was like and she had a little stuffed unicorn a friend's kid made for her it's really cute

um so yeah she's she's doing all right you know just uh still in the early stages of chemo but um yeah i'll be popping in to belmot seeing her a bit more often that's

oh man that must have been emotional the standing ovation well she's very she's got like a sort of every mom energy like i think people people really feel connected to her because she's like and she's because she's so loving and yeah very open and hugs everybody.

Well, she couldn't hug people that night, but you know, in normal times, she's hugging everybody and loving, talking to people.

And

so, yeah, she's

the one nice thing about visiting her is that all these people in our town drop off food for her, and I get to partake in that.

What have been some

highlights?

Yeah, we'll be talking.

I've had fresh bread.

I've had

pound cake, blueberry pie.

Hello.

I was about to miss out on the chicken and dumplings.

I didn't get in on that.

They were coming the next day.

What do you mean by dumplings?

Excellent question, man.

That is an excellent question.

I saw my face go, dumplings?

Yeah.

Is that like a southern thing?

Like it's like a biscuit or something?

It's like a, it's a doughy, it's kind of the same stuff that you make biscuits with.

It's like doughy little like balls kind of.

It's like a matzah ball.

Yeah, a little denser.

And it's in like a

not great.

It's kind of gravy-esque with chicken.

It's the old southern comfort food.

Give me a grave.

It's really, it's really good.

I think you actually would really like it.

Yeah, I'm not going to abbreviate gravy to grave.

But yeah.

Oh my God, yummy.

It's like a white, it's like a white cream base.

Not quite gravy, but in that like savory.

I'm wondering how long we can describe a dumpling.

Yeah, you can get 24 nights in.

What else do you got?

I just got back from Nantucket, and I had

lobster rolls, and like

it was a surreal trip.

I went for two days to do like this comedy panel.

And I've never been to that part of the world, and it was very.

Have you been to Nantucket?

I've been with Mr.

Thomas.

Oh, you have?

Yes, I have.

It's very, I mean, beautiful.

A little bit like the movie Get Out, like very white.

And everyone's wearing these like blue and white striped kind of cotton shirts.

And

like very, yeah, but the beach is beautiful.

And then I went to, I mean, first of all.

On Nantucket, there's handsome listeners.

This woman came up to me and just this beautiful woman hands me a envelope, walks away.

And then I open it.

It's

interesting facts about Nantucket.

It's like, hey, little cowboy here.

Oh my God.

I'm like, whatever we've done, we've done right.

Like,

I like my life now.

Whatever we have done.

Whatever we've done, we've done right.

Because I like having a life where beautiful women hand me lists of interesting facts.

Oh, hey,

May, you are living your best life right now.

I am.

And I went to the Whaling museum.

It was fucking crazy.

It's the

Essex is this ship that sunk hundreds of years ago.

And Moby Dick was based on it.

And it's a harrowing tale.

I won't get into it, but this whale.

Some would say a whale of a tale.

It's a whale of a tale.

Wow.

Wow.

You know, you step away from the podcast for a couple of weeks, you forget.

you forget how good and bad the comedy can be.

Swish.

My favorite kind of comedy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Whale of a tale.

Go on, May.

I mean, they do love a whale pun in Nantucket, and whales, they're proud of their whale connection.

And

what about whale, whale, whale?

See?

I feel like I got a little more silence than I deserved.

Well, well.

I don't want to be over here just blubbering about nothing.

And are you glad you went to this whale museum?

Yeah, they had a skeleton of an 80-foot whale.

And I just didn't realize that Moby Dick, that's basically a real thing that happened.

This whale took down a giant ship and then the survivors got on these little dinghies in the middle of the ocean, like 60 days from shore.

And they're like little boats not meant for big whales.

Wait, is that how time is measured?

60 days to shore?

Yeah.

What do you mean?

I don't know.

I just never thought about it.

Yeah,

I'm sorry.

I'm just taking that in.

Well, we're 60 days to shore.

They didn't even know where they were.

They were like their compasses were failing, and they end up having to eat each other.

Hold on a minute.

I know.

Who ate the last one?

There had to be one last standing.

And this is where I, and I don't want to piss off Nantuckets, but the captain was,

he survived.

And

they pulled sticks, right?

And pulled, what do you call it?

Pulled stick pulling.

Stick pulling or whatever.

Stick pulling.

They did one of those.

Yeah, we're like the shortest stick.

Yes.

And

eaten.

Okay, I want to ask you guys this.

So

you're on your little rescue boat.

You're starving.

You got no water.

And then they find this little island.

And it's just basically a sandbank in the middle of the ocean.

And it has a bit of fresh water and it has

some birds and...

bird eggs and things.

So they rest there for seven days.

That seems legit.

I think there's 20 crew members at this point.

After seven days, the captain says, look, we got to get back in our dinghies and we got to try to hit South America.

It might be 60 days.

Like, we might not all make it.

60 days to shore.

60 days to shore.

Yeah.

And three of them.

I'm staying on the island.

Well, yeah.

So three of the guys go, we're good.

We're going to stay here.

And they are like, well, there's nowhere you're going to run out of food.

And they're like, we're going to stay here on the off chance that you survive and you send help.

And those three guys did survive.

Because, but then the other guys, they mainly died, except the captain did this pulling the sticks and the

stick pulling.

The stick pulling, the poor little cabin boy, 16 years old, he pulled the short stick.

You'd think the captain would step in there and say, you know what, I'll do it.

No.

No.

Not in those days.

The captains were usually drunk and like, yeah, get out of here.

I'll be honest.

Get out of here.

I'll be honest.

I don't remember what we're talking about.

I know.

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I was going to ask: A, would you have stayed on the little island or risked the journey?

And B,

if we were on a lifeboat, like, and we were pulling.

Would any of us volunteer to be eaten?

So wait,

and in this story.

Yeah.

The people stayed on the island.

The other people went away.

They came back and got the people on the island?

Eventually, after like 90 days,

like a handful of these guys made it close enough that they found another ship and they ended up sending help and they rescued the guys from the island so i guess knowing that is going to color your decision but it sure will

i'm staying put yeah i definitely would have stayed put since eating fortune seems terrible i would be trying to catch fish with my hands just standing really still in the shallows with yeah instead of on a dinghy in the ocean i'm just gonna i'm just gonna hang out on the island and immediately start eating fortune oh no yeah i don't eat fish Well, that's true.

Oh, but I'm meat.

Yeah, I know, but

I'm meat.

And I'm full of hamburgers.

I don't eat fish, but I will eat fortune.

I'm full of hamburgers.

I start eating fortune and then help comes the next day.

That's the fear, right?

Like,

you wait till the last possible minute and you're like, all right, we got to eat something.

And then the next day, you're, I think I might volunteer to let you guys eat my ass eat your ass

yeah I guess I could just start eating fortune's ass I wouldn't have to eat

so wild

well actually that's true couldn't you eat part of someone while they were still living and not kill and they wouldn't have to die yeah just slice off a bun slice off a bun Yeah

I kind of regret bringing up the whole story kind of but I guess I was really well it's like the movie Alive.

Did you see that?

No.

The airplane crowd.

Oh, my God.

I was obsessed with that for a long time.

And, you know, they would eat their friends, but it was all frozen meat.

So they didn't have to like chew it or taste it and they just swallow it.

Oh, God.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Whereas Fortune's ass would be heating in

the sun.

The hot sun's right.

Yeah.

Island ass.

I was just very taken with, like, the,

I don't know, the idea of just being at sea in this 80-foot whale.

And what a grim time to be alive.

But it was a fun trip.

I went to the beach, and that's my story.

Wow, what a story.

That was

that had to do with Nantucket, huh?

Yeah, yeah.

Okay.

And you like the lobster roll?

Oh, man.

I really loved the lobster roll.

Yeah.

And who were you out there with?

Were there other comedians?

Yeah, I I did a comedy panel with Ben Stiller, who I've never met, and Amber Ruffin, and a bunch of people.

Yeah, it was wicked.

It was fun.

It was really fun.

And Donald Glover was there and he asked a question.

And man, that's one of the coolest people alive.

Yeah, he's a real talent.

I mean, it's like

his music is

ridiculous.

Ridiculous.

It's like, okay, you're a comedian, you're an actor, a writer, and then boom.

Yeah.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

Boom.

Yeah, we went there to Nantucket on a family vacation when Max and Finn were, I think they were two.

Oh my God, just paddling in the water.

Just running around, yeah.

Paddling in the water, running around.

We went on bike rides.

All sorts of Nantucket fun.

We had rented a house on the water and

I have many pictures of Mr.

Thomas sitting and reading to Max and Finn

as little tiny cubs.

Reading the story of the cannibalistic

sailors.

Yes, that's right.

Yeah,

I would go back for sure.

Or maybe when we finally do a handsome vacation, all four of us.

Yeah.

Maybe it's Nantucket.

Oh, yeah.

Put that on the list.

Thomas.

Put that on the list.

Nantucket vacation.

I feel like Thomas isn't putting things on the list anymore.

What do you guys think?

I feel like, yeah, he kind of looks at us like, yeah, okay.

I'll get to that.

We get to stuff once every like five months.

What did we get?

I don't remember ever getting.

Okay, that's one thing.

Santa cleaning.

Santa Claus.

So we sat on Santa's lap.

Santa's lap, and that might be it.

That might be it.

And there must be over 6,000 things on the list.

My mom and I drove up to that.

I think we went to Nantucket a few places.

We also went to P-Town together, and she kept calling it a gay enclave.

A gay enclave?

This was back in I had just come out, like maybe six months prior, so I had not seen that.

This sounds so naive in these days.

You came out, and then you were like six months later dragging your mom to a gay.

I didn't drag her there, I didn't even know about P-Town.

No, she told me.

And we, my friend got married in Boston from growing up, and we rented a car and decided we would.

This was like 2006, maybe, and that we would drive around all that area because it's so beautiful.

And she was like, We have to go to P-Town.

It is a gay enclave.

And I was like, What is a gay enclave?

And she's like, There's just a lot of gays there.

And so we pull up and we walk down the street.

And there's all these people, these gays holding hands, which for both of us, we had not seen that much.

And so we both were like,

We just were like, Look at the game,

what's Jesus gonna think?

And but we were just so like, but we were like enamored with it.

We were like, Oh my god, this is so cool.

And

then my mom was like, I gotta go get some fudge.

And

I was like, Okay, so I stood out.

Fudge can't wait.

It was a tiny candy shop, so I stood outside, and my mom comes outside.

She goes, There was a woman making eyes with me.

And I was,

I said, I think she was checking out your fudge.

Oh, my God.

That is hilarious.

So that was my first trip to P-Town to the gay enclave.

I have a couple of shows there coming up.

I've never been.

And since the day I've been with Stephanie, that's been her dream vacation is to go to P-Town.

So we're cramming it in to our summer travels and

going to spend a few days there.

You'll love it.

That's how I I felt when I first moved to Los Angeles and went to West Hollywood.

Even though I had been out already for years, I had never been in a city that had like West Hollywood or Boys Town vibe or anything.

And he framed like fags everywhere.

Yeah.

I was truly like, what on earth is this gay circus?

Yeah.

I know.

I feel like there's been moments in my life where I must seem homophobic or transphobic because I'm just gawking in support.

I'm gawking in support.

Like

when you're young and you just come out and you see a gay couple or something and you're just like, oh, wow.

And you're staring.

And then

you're like, damn.

Yeah.

I remember going down to the

Pride Parade

when I first was thinking about coming out.

And it was so intimidating.

And

it's crazy now because I've been to a bazillion Prides.

It's like you don't even think twice about it, but like I think of myself in that mindset then of like just seeing all these gay people hold hands and like I just couldn't believe it.

It was like, oh, I can't believe this exists in the world and it's okay and it's celebrated.

And I mean, thank God, but you know, when you hadn't seen it your whole life, it's just like May said, you kind of are gawking in this like,

what, what is this kind of way?

Can I tell you my first pride when I was like 16 and I was 17?

I was living with my girlfriend at the time briefly.

And she was a teenager as well.

We were both like sketchy teens, and she always went to Pride and she was more like experienced in that world.

And so it was so hot in Toronto.

And she was like, you got to get painted, like colorful colors.

But we only had acrylic paint.

And so she covered her entire naked body in like rainbow, but it was acrylic paint.

So it was like

flaking and burning.

Like it was, it was like cracking.

Anyway, we're so excited.

She wears this like tiny like bikini and I'm probably wearing some denim booby shorts or something.

And then we go to the big main intersection and within five minutes, she breaks her ankle.

No.

She goes, we'll just climb this fence so we can get a good view and then turns her ankle and then we have to go.

Oh my gosh.

Actual break in the bone.

I think it was a fracture in the end but it was like

yeah yeah so we spoke she probably couldn't move with all that pain your body was stiff i just remember like the sweat and the all the and her sitting in emergency basically naked covered in paint oh my god

they probably get some wild things happen that weekend at the emergency room i actually just remembered i used to work at um the lesbian coffee shop in los angeles when i first moved to town it's called it was called Little Frida's.

And we were right there on, what is it, Santa Monica Boulevard in Weho.

And

that was another thing.

I had never been to Gay Pride before.

And I was like, you know, in my late 20s and

mind blown just standing there, the doors of the coffee shop open and the different people and outfits and what they're

wearing.

Just every, I was like, whoa

whoa

I mean it was already crazy to me that there was a lesbian coffee shop you know I mean that I mean even though the owner claimed like well it's for everyone it's like sure but look around yeah

there's a main uh vibe here was the owner called Frida it was for Frida Kahlo oh okay yeah no this is a lesbian coffee shop yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I didn't even know about this coffee shop I was late to the lesbian game You're just hearing about Little Frida's?

Yeah, I never, I mean, I knew you had, you'd mentioned working there before, but I had never heard of it.

Um, just still sad of you.

Like, blows my mind just imagining Tig working in a coffee shop.

Like, just the idea, it's so out of context for me.

Like, the idea of going in to buy coffee.

And it's, I'm picturing you now just being like, hello.

Yeah.

Were you good at it?

I wasn't.

I wasn't.

I wasn't good at it.

What did you do when people complain about their coffee?

I mean, basically what I was bad at was, and maybe I shared this on the show, was

math and money and counting back money.

Did I share that story about when

I was fumbling with the cash register and this woman in line said, while there was a whole line of people waiting for me,

she said, you know, it's not too late to go to college.

Oh,

wow.

Yeah.

But I have to say, it was a massive shift in my life in that moment.

Because I, once she walked away, I turned to my boss, who was also a good friend.

And I was like, oh my gosh, I just want to go out to her table and just be like, hey, thanks to you.

I just quit my job and I applied to college and I'm leaving right now for, you know, whatever.

And my boss said, you know what?

I'm on your side.

She should never have said what she said to you.

If you want to walk out to her table and say directly, not sarcastically, but directly say, what you said to me was so

unacceptable

and I really didn't appreciate it.

My boss said, I can get behind that.

But if you go out there and fight fire with fire, I can't get behind that.

And I was like, oh, whoa, okay.

And it changed my life.

And obviously, we know I am a sarcastic person, but it shifted me where in real moments to actually

speak directly, like, hey,

this needs to happen or I feel this way.

Yeah,

yeah.

And to like really just directly deal with something and then save the sarcasm, you know, for another time.

But it was amazing to have my boss say, I don't want that kind of person in my establishment.

And, and she should never have spoken to you like that.

So I'm, but I didn't go out and talk to the woman, but it

did

make me realize that there's a time and place for

talking a certain way and acting a certain way.

And then when you want to be direct and handle something serious or important, then

step up to that moment.

Yeah.

I thought you were going to say it made you realize, like that then you quit your job and went to college.

We're like, you know what?

Good point.

Yeah.

No.

What in my spot?

I quit my job and became a stand-up so I'd never have to do math again.

Well, the reason I had that job was because there was an all-female lineup of stand-up and little Fridas.

And that's the first place I ever got on stage.

And so I took a job there so that I could ensure that I could get on stage.

to do stand-up because when people would drop out of the show or they were running late or the host canceled, I could just hop out from behind the coffee bar

and do comedy.

And so that's why I took that job.

I love that.

Yeah.

You're like, I don't want to make your coffee.

I just want to tell somebody else.

I just want to tell jokes.

Yeah.

Nope.

Didn't go to college.

Still running around with a seventh grade education.

Yeah.

Did you get your GED?

I can't remember.

I know what you did.

I did in my cat age.

I did me too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'm Peter Sagal.

NPR is very serious, mostly.

It treats newsmakers with all due respect, almost all the time.

It brings you the most important information about the issues that really matter, usually.

And it never asks famous people about things they don't know anything about, except once in a while.

Join us for the great exception.

Listen to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the news quiz from NPR.

Well, should we find out who our question asker is?

I think that's a great idea.

Well, today's guests are a comedy duo best known for the YouTube series Good Mythical Morning,

which I've been on.

Super fun show.

They've hosted it since 2012.

They have over 32 million subscribers.

And now they host a podcast called Ear Biscuits.

They're fellow North Carolinians.

So you know I like that.

Rhett and Link are asking today's question.

Nice.

Hello, handsome pod.

It's Brett and Link from Good Mythical Morning.

We got a question for you.

If you could have a morning routine machine, like a Rube Goldberg machine that gets you through your morning routine.

Like the guy in the Casper movie.

Or the Grinch in the Grinch movie.

You haven't seen the Casper movie.

Why are you bringing that up?

Well, because I'm told that that's a good example.

It's a great example.

What would yours do?

What would your machine do step by step?

We miss you, Fortune.

Aw, I miss you guys.

They're so great.

Oh, that's a great question.

I got to go on their show and eat really good food where you tried, you tell them your favorite food, and they have three different versions of it, like the high-end version, the mid-level version, and the low-level version, the cheap version.

And you have to try to pick what is the high

fancy version.

It was just really fun.

Did you get it right?

I think I got two out of three right.

I can't remember.

And were you blindfolded too?

No, it's all in front of you.

Like, you'd be surprised some of the stuff that you think you're like, it's got, this has got to be the high-end one.

And it's like, no, that's the grocery store version.

Yeah.

They're, they're really funny.

Um, and have like, it's crazy those,

the YouTube folks that have just killed it.

They have this whole office and production, and it's like a machine over there so do we yeah look at us we've got look how professional this is this and this fake plant over here yeah you're in the closet yeah yeah

oh man they're talking like is it kind of like the jetsons is that another yeah

okay okay pee-wee's big adventure like you know yeah a machine that wakes you up and does every

moves you through a routine, makes it all easy.

So they're asking like, what would that entail if we had that ability?

Yeah, I guess so.

I'm not good in mornings.

I don't like mornings and the

time that's really touch and go, that's really dark for me is the time between getting up and having a first sip of coffee.

It's like

making it to the coffee machine.

And so the that was where my head went first was like maybe some kind of intravenous coffee

thing laying there and it goes into your nervous system.

Or like a straw that

comes to the bed because you're just so out of it during wake up and caught, like, what is it that's happening with you?

Yeah, I know.

I'm trying to picture you getting to the coffee machine.

Like, are you stumbling?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm like.

Are your pants tearing your

boxers tearing?

Your ponchi.

Why would my boxers beat in my ass?

I don't know.

You just sound like you're really struggling to get from your bed.

Like you can't function

until you get to this coffee.

That's why I can't figure it out.

I can't picture what the hell's going on.

Yeah, probably some doctor would tell me.

It's just probably I'm not sleeping enough, but I wake up and I'm like, ugh, and I'm like exhausted.

And I just, oh man, like, yeah, just, I mean, it's not that,

it's just that I shuffle over and, but it's like.

You have to have Ponte's around your ankles.

So you're one of those people that's like, do not even talk to me until I've had my IV coffee.

That's what my head has on mug.

Don't talk to me till I've had my coffee.

I kind of am.

And I'm staying with my parents right now in Toronto.

And,

you know, they've already been up for two hours.

They are wide awake.

They're ready to chat.

They want to know how I'm feeling about.

What time do they wake up?

Maybe seven.

And then when do you roll out with your ponies to your ankles?

I am not lavia out shuffling to the kitchen.

I picture you with big thick glasses on.

Like you can't, you can't, your hair is every which way.

You're scratching your chest.

Yeah.

It depends

what's going on.

Like if I have something to get up, like today I woke up at nine because I traveled last night.

I got in late.

So yeah, but I have to.

But is nine early or late for you?

Usually I'm up at eight or nine.

That's like normal for me.

But it feels like I could happily sleep till one because

I don't go to sleep early in the morning.

What time are you going to bed?

I mean, as I'm saying it, I'm like, it's not that because I'm just doing the math because usually it's around one or two.

We're not good at math around here.

You know, I can't do math.

Yeah, sure.

It's not too late for us to go to college.

So, yeah, one or two.

So, I guess I'm sleeping like six.

One or two is late.

Yeah, like my circadian rhythm is probably all up.

I don't know.

So, yeah, coffee and maybe

a fact of the day would be nice every morning.

But what about you guys?

What's

that's it for your machine?

Your mom is going to be like anything.

Here's your coffee.

Also, dolphins were

known to swim in the blah blah blah and blah blah blah blah.

Good morning, May.

Pretty much that's it because I don't want, I've been reading about how the more we use chat GPT, our like cognitive functioning is going to decline.

We're going to get our,

so I want to have a lot of fun.

That's already happened.

I mean, humans are

dumb-dumbs.

Yeah,

useless.

Yeah.

That's why I'm trying to memorize all the capital cities of the world, just to keep the old noggin

firing.

Yeah.

But yeah, so I don't want to like make it too easy for myself.

But if you could

either roll me over to the coffee machine and make the coffee or intravenous.

Okay.

Here's what I think.

I think you could get to a point eventually where you could do that on your own, May.

If you really put your mind to it.

You got to figure out how to keep your ponies on, though.

Yeah.

Okay.

I am not.

Well, they're on.

They're on, Fortune.

They're just at May's ankles.

Like, how would that even happen?

Like,

you stand up and they just fall.

Oh, they fall off.

Okay, so they're, I'm picturing they're moth-eaten.

They're old.

They're.

Like my underwear.

They're moth-eaten.

Yeah.

Beige.

Oh, the idea of, because I have a roommate now in my back house.

My friend Matt is living with his girlfriend

briefly while they get settled in LA.

And just the idea of me full vagina out,

walking in the morning out there.

Even half.

Morning.

Some people would love to see that.

I mean, I feel uncomfortable even saying the word I can't.

Yeah.

What word?

vagina it's not a great word it's a terrible yeah coffee

and wait we could have another word for it like what cooter cooter

is your favorite word for it

okay well let's move on from

from maize kuder yeah yeah yeah okay if we must and or makuchi

she's supposed to be sending in a question has she thomas We got to get Makuchi's question.

We haven't got one yet.

Wow, God.

She keeps teasing me.

So, yeah,

what about you?

Well, I have been waking up really early lately.

I don't know why.

I'm like wide awake at like 6.30, which is not me.

Give me a ring ding.

But today, guess what?

I got up and went.

treading.

Oh, that's why my hair is a little wet.

Isn't that so fun in the very early morning?

It's the best way to wake up.

It's like the pool's like a little warm and the birds are chirping.

I make coffee so that I could drink my coffee before I tread.

So I'm just in the pool, just you know, I turn on some music.

It's nice.

That's amazing.

Yeah.

Do you make coffee the night before or you make it, you got a machine?

No, because I don't like brewed coffee.

I just like espresso.

So I have a little espresso machine that I do the like a little, I'm like a little barista.

Like to do the full thing.

I do the get the beans they the grinder bean, you know grinds them up a packet with the thing and yeah, this is what I need to be doing.

I don't think this would appeal to you for your treading, but

my friend Kit this this guy that lives near me he has a pool that does not have a heater.

And he invited me over to tread one morning at 7 a.m.

without heat.

Oh my god.

And it's like a cold plunge.

It was like an hour-long cold plunge.

But I have to say.

Oh yeah.

Oh, absolutely.

Only once in my treading career have I gotten out at 30 minutes.

And it was because we were at a public pool where they were like, everybody out, we got to switch to, you know, granny swim or whatever.

But,

but yeah, it was so exhilarating to tread in cold water.

And I, I suggest doing it with somebody else in the pool so you can complain and laugh with each other and shake and be like oh my god this is so but my whole day was so electrifying I was in the best

and dude I guess you you're moving so you kind of warm up a bit as are you yeah

but an hour that's like the cold has deeply penetrated you by an hour so you are indeed yes yeah wow I have been penetrated by the cold

I don't think I could do an hour in the cold I could maybe last 30 30, but I don't know if I could do an hour.

I could do it.

It's fun.

It's not like it's 30.

It's not like 40-degree water, you know, it's like 70 or something.

But it's still, it's cold.

65, something like that.

But that's cold.

But so far, I'm not

like what would...

You don't want the machine to take over.

I got to figure out what I want the machine to do.

Yeah, because I'm going to do it.

Push you in the pool.

Push in the middle.

Push me in the pool.

That's great.

I was going to say I want the machine to wake me up with sweet kisses, but that's weird.

It's a machine.

That's not weird.

It's the way of the future.

You know, a few little good morning kisses.

Good morning.

That's a nice way to wake up.

I've always thought that a hotel should offer that service that you sign up for, where they're like, Do you want someone to come in and spoon you and be like, Well, I think that's time to get up.

You can pay for this.

You have a Zoom at nine o'clock.

Yeah, I would like to.

I think you can pay for that.

I would like the sweet sounds of a voice.

Fortune, it's time to wake up.

Why don't you call me and I'll do that for you?

Please

spoon me.

That's a preferable way to wake up.

And then I always wake up fairly happy anyway.

I'm very glad for that.

So I don't have my Ponte's around my ankles shuffling to the espresso machine real life with your cooter out.

My cooter's hidden and I'm usually like robustly walking to the espresso machine.

It would be nice if whatever this thing is makes my espresso for me.

I don't want to make it

and then pushes me in the pool.

Turns the music on, pushes me in the pool.

And does it sort of pour the espresso into your mouth too?

And then no, we can just put it in a cup and I'll do the rest.

So it's exhausting to you to press that button, huh?

I mean, just the grinding of the beans and the packing it.

You know, if I don't have to, I mean, I'll do it, but if this machine's like, I can't.

You're too much of a star to have to be able to push a button to get that espresso out of there.

This machine will say, I got you, boo.

Yeah, it does.

Yeah.

That's the I got you, boo machine.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I got you, boo.

And I'm like, oh.

When it pushes you in the pool, do you want that to be at like a different moment each morning so you're not quite expecting it?

Sure.

Or do you want to go stand up?

Keep me on my toes.

It can pick me up and throw me in, too.

Pick you up like a baby.

Like a baby,

but also hold me for a minute and then toss me in.

And whisper in your ear, I got you, boo.

I got you, boo.

I got you, little baby.

I'm the one in charge of heating the pool stuff.

I'm not having to worry about that.

You can't worry yourself about that stuff, little tiny baby fortune.

Thank you.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah, so yeah, that's what my I Got You Boo machine would do.

Okay, I like that a lot.

I got you, Boo machine.

That is a good name.

All these things are going to exist 100%.

Tig, how about you?

Is it going to have a Scottish accent like Marnenfruit?

Marnin Fruit.

Get your name.

Marnin Fruit.

You know, I struggle in the morning

with, I try to meditate right when I wake up.

And it's, and it's, well, it's just the idea with

transcendental meditation is that you do it ideally twice a day

Wow.

And so, but you know, 20 minutes each time.

And so if you think about when you wake up first thing in the morning,

a lot of people, you're not totally productive at that time.

So

why not just immediately, when your eyes open, go into your meditation?

You close them again and go into your meditation.

I'd fall asleep.

I'd fall right back to sleep.

Well, here's the thing.

This is where,

here's my true honest to God struggle.

Oftentimes, I will meditate in bed and lying down.

And I should be sitting up, and I only do that sometimes.

So, yeah, I would love for my I Gotcha Boo to sit me up for my meditation when I'm on the mornings that I've just had the roughest night.

Uh, because that's that's when it's the hardest for me when I wake up.

You're in your nightgown.

I'm in my nightgown.

And so I got you boo would sit me up.

And then as soon as I'm seated in bed meditating, then

crossing your legs for you, too.

Like it's sort of positive.

I can do that.

I can do that.

And then I gotcha boo.

That I can do.

I got you boo

is also going to stand there.

Wait, is I gotchabu a robot?

think so.

It's whatever you want it to be.

Okay, I got you boo is standing there.

And then once I finish meditating, I gotcha boo is going to remind me to do my, I do these like five minutes of stretching.

Giggles.

You know me.

How dare you, Fortune Marie?

How dare you?

Look at how tickled Fortune is by the

robot.

The robot's keeping time for you.

One, two,

three,

four.

Take a break.

Release.

And release.

Dig is.

Oh my God.

The thought of that.

Yeah, that tickles me.

Thank you.

Meanwhile, May is just getting an IV in the arm full of coffee.

Mine is feeling increasingly bleak.

Dig's doing geels.

And you're getting cradled like a baby.

Yeah, we all have different needs.

I just have my robot making sure I stay on track because, like, with my sleeping issues, I have to immediately get sunshine when I wake up.

So after.

Yeah, what does that do?

It regulates your circadian rhythm.

And so basically, as soon as you open your eyes, you need to be in natural sunlight and that's going to tell your brain this is your wake-up time for the day

and so that gets you on a more regulated schedule so I would want I got you boo robot to be like after I meditate

Do your five-minute stretches and then I do that and I do my kegels and whatever and then I

and then I

and then the robot also will be like don't forget your sunshine And then I go out on the back path.

I thought you were going to say, don't forget your sons.

Don't forget your sons.

You have sons.

And then the last thing I would want is, I love making my smoothie.

I love the process.

However, I would like Igachabu to bring, because there's a lot of ingredients of my

there's a lot.

And so I would like for Igachabu to get all of the canisters out of the pantry and maybe even measure it for me and then put it back while I'm.

And clean it up, yeah.

Yeah.

So it's measuring it and then you just have to tip it in.

Yeah, yeah.

I could do the tipping.

You know how Fortune can't push a button?

I'm totally fine with doing it.

Yeah.

And then, Fortune, do you ever feel like if we, like if, if we went away with Tig for like a week to a cabin in the woods, like you would sort.

us out.

Like I just

come back so much healthier.

Oh my God.

I'd be meditating.

I'd be, We'd be sleeping.

You might not be, but we'd be.

Guys, it's funny you should say this.

I am

planning a retreat.

A retreat.

A retreat weekend for me and Stephanie for our anniversary.

Oh, are we invited?

But at home.

It's just going to be me and Stephanie.

Oh, we're not invited.

No, you are not invited.

But for like a totally unplugged, meditative,

listen to vinyl, talk, journal, cook healthy food.

That's going to be our fun retreat.

I know some people are like, that sounds like hell.

What is that?

Wait, so it's like a whole weekend of this?

We're going to spend a whole weekend together just completely unplugged and doing what a retreat would do, but we're just going to do it privately.

Will the boys be there?

No.

Okay.

That's so annoying.

And what I was going to say is, I would be more than happy to do it with my handsome co-hosts.

Well, okay, I've booked an Airbnb in Lake Arrowhead for three weeks in August, and I'm going to mainly be up there by myself.

And I don't drive, so I'm really going to be stuck there.

And my goal is to come out of it completely mentally and emotionally and physically healthy.

So, okay.

I mean, Fortune, we're both, I was going to say, we're both single, but it sounds that sound that came out wrong, but like, we're both single.

We're both single.

Come on up here.

I could be the third wheel.

Come up for a couple of days and like we'll put our phones in.

I bought one of those boxes you lock your phone in and then you put a timer on it for like four hours or whatever.

Like

look,

whether it's at your place there or whether it's

well, no, at my office in L.A.

Yeah.

I am so excited by this.

I can't even tell you to do this with Stephanie.

And then if that interested anybody on this zoom boy would I love to do that well you have like a schedule like yeah you're just gonna okay so like no there's a we're doing this it's going it would sound like absolute hell to you

but it is truly like but but it's fun it's I it's fun okay imagine the three of us are together and we get up to watch the sunrise

how awesome would that be

and then and then meditate okay and then have like a really healthy smoothie.

Listen to records.

You know, I have an awesome vinyl collection.

Listen to some records.

Journal.

Talk.

Journal.

Journaling.

Do a tarot reading.

We could do all sorts of things.

But for you and Stephanie, are y'all both saying, I want to do this.

I want to do this.

I put together a schedule of what I think would be.

great and I'm going to run it by her.

I just told her about this the other day.

And then if she wants to make tweaks, of course we can make tweaks.

But before we go there for the weekend, we're going to go grocery shopping and we're going to plan our menu and like cook and prepare the food together.

And

it just, I don't know.

I think it'll be really

there's absolutely no

phone use.

We have a landline where Max and Finn can get in touch with us.

And anyway, that's the plan.

And if you guys have any interest, and I am sitting down, will there be some sexy time in this

with the three of us?

Well, obviously, then

that goes to that saying.

That goes to that saying.

May and I are single, so

you are single.

So what?

May said we're single.

Put on your schedule with Stephanie, though, as part of the schedule sexy.

Yeah, will it say insert sexy time?

Intimacy.

Intimacy.

Oh, intimacy.

from 8 to 9 p.m that's the biggest boner killer ever

we will spoon also guys time to read as well and then what here's the only screen

this is what i also added into the schedule is um a movie at night because there's so many movies that stephanie wants me to see oh i like this yeah and so like movie time uh before bed tig you're really speaking to like where i'm at right now like this is my constant fantasy and this is of just unplugging.

And like, so this is why I booked the place in Airbnb.

So yeah, you're amazing.

You're speaking my language.

This is, I really again, this is the last time I'm going to say it.

If it does interest anybody on this Zoom, let me know and I will gladly

lock it down for a couple of days and meditate and watch the sun come up and tread water and cook healthy food.

Dude, you and Stephanie should just come up to the Airbnb and just do 48 hours and we'll go in the lake.

We'll go and I'll do whatever you say.

I swear I won't look at my phone.

I won't, I won't even talk about cannibalism.

Well then what's the point?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, shall we hear

Rhett and Link's answer?

Yeah, I would like to.

Let's do it.

My morning routine machine would plop me in the shower where I would be sprayed with water on my body, but coffee in my mouth, and then a team of blow dryers would descend from the ceiling and blow dry my entire body

without me having to lift a finger

because I already blow dry my body, but it takes a lot of work.

I highly recommend it.

My morning routine machine would administer via IV all the liquids that I need for the day because I know you're supposed to drink a lot of water and I'm trying to drink water right when I wake up, but I never have a taste for it.

I just don't have a taste for water.

So I doesn't really taste it.

I just don't want it and I know I need it.

IV administration of water.

And then the machine would go into my son's room, wake him up, argue with him about why it's important to be on time for things.

And why, if you can't learn how to be on time for school, then you're going to not be on time for other things later in life.

And it's going to, people are going to think less of you.

And also, there's going to be opportunities that you're going to miss out on.

And then the machine would raise its voice and be like, I'm serious.

I'm serious.

We have to get to school.

I've got things to do today.

I've got places to be.

That's right.

Oh, my Lord.

That's the North Carolina coming out in him.

Well, speaking of that being the North Carolina in him, he reminded me of Zach Galifenakis in that moment.

The way he raised his voice when Zach was silly yelling.

And Zach is from North Carolina.

That's why we're bringing that all together.

That's our North Carolina raising your voice.

Yes.

Yes.

Yeah.

Well, the nicest thing about having a robot to yell at your kids would be then you could be the hero who comes in and goes, whoa, whoa, whoa.

whoa,

stop yelling!

Hey, hey,

and then you're the hero.

My I Got You Boo, I forgot, would also sing to me and make me breakfast.

But wouldn't you actually want it to just accompany you while you sing, like play the

we could harmonize?

That would be nice.

Yeah, yeah, a nice morning harmony.

Yes,

chat with my friend

on the handsome pod.

Chad with my friends on the handsome.

Boy, we still got it, do we not?

We still got it.

Well, that was a really fun episode, huh?

I can't wait for our retreat.

I know.

This led to a health retreat with sexy time.

It always does.

As soon as we get off to Zoom, I'm going to be sending dates your way.

I thought I'd get into where I'm going to be and what I'm going to do.

It's not a very long list.

All right.

Is everybody ready for this?

Yeah.

August 17th, West Hampton Beach Performing Arts Center in West Hampton Beach, New York.

Saturday, August 23rd, P-Town.

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding.

P-Town.

Gay enclave.

Yes, it is a gay enclave.

And then Saturday, September 27th, the Beau Revage Resort and Casino in Biloxi, Mississippi.

So there you go.

Also check on Tignotaro.com for all of my working out new material in Los Angeles.

I'll be in Toronto soon at Largo Dynasty Typewriter and Comedy Bar.

So

that's what's up with me.

On July 25th, I'm in Montreal at Just for Laughs doing May Martin and Friends at the Olympia Theater.

What about you, Fortune?

I'm in Edmonton in Canada with Mateo Lane July 20th for the Great Outdoors Festival.

I love Mateo.

I know.

He's the best.

I'm hosting a gala in Montreal July 26th, which May will be on.

I'm doing it.

I can't wait.

Yeah.

That's going to be fun for Montreal folks.

Then

my stuff starts in September.

San Antonio, Houston, Norfolk, Virginia, Richmond, D.C., Portland, Maine, Boston, and Burlington, Vermont with a lot more added.

Atlanta, New Orleans, Mobile.

You can get your tickets at FortuneFemester.com.

If you enjoyed this episode, share it with a friend.

Let's keep building this awesome, handsome community.

I mean, everywhere I go, people tell me to keep it handsome and it is just so fun.

Also, don't forget to rate and review the show and subscribe.

to also not just the show, but to our YouTube page.

These are the ways to ensure the show keeps going.

People always ask that, like, how do we make sure this doesn't go away?

Subscribe to the show, review, rate, tell your friends, share episodes.

All of it is so important.

And

we just love you guys.

And

all the best to Ginger.

And let's get to planning our

retreat.

We got to bring Ginger to the retreat.

Oh, my gosh.

Or we fly out to where she is and we

have the retreat with her.

All right.

Okay.

Well, until next time, huh?

Keep it.

Keep it, ass.

Handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a

podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a hit gum podcast.

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