Pretty Little Episode #44

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

And it's me, your friend Tignotaro, sitting here with my co-host, May Pearl Martin.

May Pearl Martin.

I always forget

that that is her name.

name.

It's good, too.

Yeah.

Is it?

I don't know.

Yeah.

May Pearl?

Yeah.

What would the issue be?

It's so feminine, Pearl.

It's very, to me, it's like a blue rinse kind of.

You know, I'm knitting in the old folks' home.

I feel like you could take that back.

Really?

Yeah.

I could make it butch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I could see.

Oh, go ahead, Tom.

My grandma does go by pearl.

She goes by pearl.

She's a butch.

Well, her name is Margaret, but the story goes, my grandpa saw her on the beach in Scotland and wrote Pearl in the sand in front of her.

Oh.

And that's how he wooed her.

Whoa, he saw her and said you just look like a little pearl.

Yeah.

But she knew that that was for her, because if somebody wrote pearl on the sand, I'd be like, hmm.

You know.

I guess he explained it to her that it was for her.

Excuse me.

I'm laying Pearl in the sand here.

Pardon me, beautiful little lady.

What a smooth operator.

Yeah, it worked because we got Thomas.

Yeah, Thomas, are you smooth like that?

No.

Okay.

I met Laura on a nap.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I feel like you could take Pearl back because I feel like I could see

a butchy character on stage that just owns the name Pearl.

I'm Pearl.

Yeah.

Pearl.

It's just such a

female kind of name, but I don't know.

I'll figure it out.

I'm going to work shop it.

Maybe it's like P-Dog or something.

You know what I mean?

Yeah.

I just got a wave of nervousness because I got two shows tonight.

And the first one is music.

And I haven't played music in a couple months or whatever.

And it's like acoustic, just me and the guitar and i haven't thought about it it's so much scarier than stand-up to me is it yeah because you can't you can't adjust or go with the flow like once you're committing to a song you're in and you're earnest and you're doing your absolute best

yeah

see as a comedian I feel like it must be so much easier to be a musician because you just get into the song and then it's this is how the song goes and this is what people do: they listen to a song,

and then the song ends, and then they cheer, and then you do a little charming banter, and then you move into the next song.

I just can't accept that they're enjoying it because they're silent, and my body thinks silence is bombing.

So, I'm like,

I have to trust that they're enjoying it.

Yeah.

And do you find, I always was so,

I mean, I know this has been discussed in the world before, but as as a comedian,

how much musicians kill in comedy between songs?

Yeah, they kill.

They kill.

And then

the mildest jokes.

They're killing.

Killing.

And then if I toured with that material,

I'd still kill.

Yeah, you would.

You would.

No, it's just, I remember before I even got into comedy, going to see bands and musicians and just

and be like, oh, that's like such a fun little anecdote or that's, yeah, that's funny or that's sweet or something.

But as a comedian, I'm like, wow.

Wow.

Yeah.

That

it's,

but I guess it's also like if you were doing comedy and then you're, you know, fortune and then you sing in between jokes, people are like,

lose their mind.

It works the same way.

People are like, The good Lord

told me.

I don't even know how religious songs go, but

yeah.

I mean, I always have musical guests at Largo, and

often they'll tell a little story, and yeah, and it kills, and I'm jealous.

Yeah, destroys.

Like, people cannot believe how funny it is.

Yeah.

And I think it's great.

I mean, but it is, it's a mystery because once you are teed up as a comedian, yeah, the bar is so high.

It is so high.

Yeah.

It is so high.

But then I got to go straight from that show to

another show, like a stand-up show.

So I got to switch gears.

May Pearl, you have got quite a show ahead.

Hey, Marie.

Yeah.

Well, I'm Matthiel O'Callaghan.

Oh my God, I always forget.

You're Mattiel O'Callaghan.

Yeah.

But I pronounce it Matteel, like the name Matt.

Matt.

Mattiel.

Mattiel.

Yeah, Mattiel O'Callahan Notaro.

That's right.

God.

Just call me Tig.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's good.

Did you choose eccentric middle names for Max and Finn?

No,

nothing's eccentric about their names at all.

No.

Was it like family names?

No, we didn't do family names.

Nothing like that.

What are their middle names out of interest?

Maxwell Jude and Finn Luke.

Oh, God, that's good.

Jude, I love.

Uh-huh.

You know, St.

Jude?

I mean, not personally, but

what do you want to say?

Just that he's the Saint Jude is the patron saint of lost causes, and I love that.

Often, like, at sea, first sinking ships, they'd call on St.

Jude.

That's good to know because Max is who wants to be an oceanographer.

He does?

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

He's going to find all kinds of stuff.

With the new technology, they're finding like ancient cities and and things like now that they can really properly scan

yeah yeah and he's begging for a tadpole right now um because

he he wants he wants a tadpole so he can raise it to be a frog that is pretty fucking amazing uh-huh a tadpole turns into a frog like that that is crazy he is obsessed with frogs i walked by we have this room we call the chill out room in the house where they you know chill out yeah have a couch have a TV, walk by.

And he was like, Mayor, you have to come in here and see this rare frog.

And I sat down with him, and this was a rare frog.

On TV?

Like, was he just on YouTube and found it?

No, they don't, they're not allowed to just be on YouTube.

They'll, they'll watch like little shows where a guy's like, come on, I'll show you.

And then they like, you know, go through the jungle.

And

so, yeah.

So there's this one weird little rubbery frog, but he loves him.

A frog.

I love frogs.

I used to collect frogs when I was little, you know, being Huckleberry Tig and such.

Collect live frogs?

Oh, yeah.

Frogs and toads and put them in a bucket, bring them home, and went through the whole rigmarole every day where my mother told me I couldn't keep them.

No.

Yeah, but man, did I love them?

And now I can't imagine picking up a frog.

Really?

no

i'd be worried about hurting it but i do like picking i mean in the in my show that's coming out this year there's a big toad theme and we had a we had a toad on set called uh thomas actually thomas the toad

yeah and he was our toad actor and um yeah some of the actors were much more comfortable than others for sure did he have his own trailer yeah he had a he had a really luxurious trailer triple banger but it was really i mean the animal safety was so intense like we couldn't use

you know, like a fog machine or atmosphere because it would upset the toad.

And there was a trainer called V who was, you know, the toad wrangler.

And good for V.

She was really on top of it.

Yeah, she was even, there was a scene where there were maggots on a dead body.

Had to take care of those.

The safety of the maggots was crucial.

It was crazy.

Like she had a

hot, like a hair blow dryer to keep them warm

between takes.

Yeah.

I love that yeah

um should we hear some questions absolutely i was just gonna say everyone's got a job to do it's so cool yeah i mean the maggots have a job to do and the maggot wrangler has a job to do exactly and um so do we so let's get to our first question

Hello, handsomes.

And of course, that includes you, Thomas.

It's your dear pal, Megan from Sherman Oaks.

My question is, have you ever planned a bachelor or bachelorette party?

And if so, what did you plan?

And if you haven't, what was the most memorable party you've been to, Bachelor or Bachelorette?

I got a good one.

Are you allowed to share it?

I am.

I am absolutely sharing.

Come on, let's hear it.

I have not planned a Bachelorette or Bachelor party, but I

have been to those.

And one of the most memorable ones was the actress Lake Bell

in Palm Springs and she rented a party bus and it was full of beautiful famous actresses and me

and we were flying down the road and you know talk about atmosphere you know all the smoke filling the

you know had the lights blinking inside had the stripper poles and the smoke machine.

Oh, actually, there wasn't a smoke machine.

That's where the funny part comes in: we're flying down the highway, and the party bus starts to fill with smoke, like black exhaust.

No, completely, and everybody's like drinking, and dancing, and singing, and dancing around stripper poles.

And

I was not one of those, maybe a little bit, but

and so the party bus breaks down on the way

to Palm Springs.

All of these beautiful, famous actresses are drinking their drinks out of penis straws.

They have penis hats on.

The whole situation.

And it was incredible because anybody could have driven by and seen, oh, Cameron Diaz with a penis hat on looking underneath the smoking party bag.

Oh my God, just by the side of the road?

Oh, my, yes.

Everybody, because we all had to get out of the bus because it was black smoke inside of it.

And so we're standing along the side of the road

with penis hats on and straws.

And in fact, I told that story.

I was doing an afternoon vegan benefit.

Okay.

And that was the first time Max and Finn had seen me perform.

And I told that story.

And that is the first time they saw me.

And Max interrupted and heckled me and said, not.

Yeah, right.

Oh, my God.

Are you kidding me?

No.

And the whole place busts up laughing.

And I was like, I said, oh, my, I, because it never dawned on me that, of course, they're going to heckle me.

But, well, would it?

I mean, that's

surprising to me.

It was surprising.

Well, I was shocked, but I was also like, oh my gosh, Max's personality.

finn was sinking in his seat he was so embarrassed that max was talking yeah max has no filter he has no embarrassment he's just like yeah right

and

i had to announce i was like oh my sons are here and then people started laughing even harder and then so funny because also you're i've seen you when someone shouts something out and you will really calmly just destroy them like not in a cruel way but you will if someone is like blah blah blah, you'll be like, I'm sorry, what was that?

Like, and then you will not let it go.

Yeah, you'll get into it.

You can't do that with a child.

But I was, what he did, he didn't believe that I was on a bus with people that had penis hats on.

And that's what he was pushing against, and that they were drinking out of penis-shaped straws.

And I had to stop and go, no, no, no, Max, this is a real story.

And he was like, not.

And I was like, I was like, no, Max, because he had never heard the story and he thinks he's heard all of my stories.

Yeah.

But anyway, so that's my bachelorette story.

Not is such a good heckle.

It's so kind of 90s.

Like it's so.

It's so 90s.

And just for him to be like, yeah, right.

That's so good.

It was amazing.

I mean, when kids are little enough, they're like little drunk people.

Like they're, oh,

this was a, yeah, this was a two in the afternoon vegan benefit

and

yeah,

the first time they had seen me live.

I can't think of many bachelor or bachelor art parties I've been to, but the only one I'm thinking of is my friend Camille.

And

we were playing, it was a bunch of us, and her mom was there.

And we were playing this game of

like heads up, or it was, it it was a game where you hold up things, but she can't see what it is, and then we describe it to her, and she has to guess the thing.

And we just forgot that it was so X-rayed, and her mom didn't know any of these things about her daughter.

And we were, and Camille's like straight and marrying a man, and then the clue came up, and we're like, I'm that girl that Camille slept with, you know, when she was wasted at university.

And her mom's like, what?

Yeah.

Not.

Not.

Yeah, right.

Should we hear the answer?

Yeah, might as well.

That's why we're here, right?

Yeah.

I off, off pod, I got to hear about Cameron Diaz, and she seems like a delightful person.

Yeah, she's great.

She's really great.

My answer is yes.

I got to plan my best friend, Brittany's Bachelorette party,

which Brittany and her wife, Allie, are huge fans of the pod.

So shout out to those two.

I wanted to make sure we did something super memorable and unique.

So I actually planned for us to do a beekeeping experience where we put on bee suits and harvested honey.

You know, we also went to like a gay bar in Jumbo's clown room at the end of the night.

But bees for the highlight.

Thanks for the podcast.

It's been a real lifeline for me.

Love you.

Amazing.

That's so nice to hear.

Beekeeping.

I mean, that sounds like a regular weekend for me, like an insane activity like that.

Like I do love a weird activity.

I do love a beekeeper.

Beekeeper, yeah.

Just to go back real quickly, when we were teeing up this question from our listener, you said, oh, I'd love to hear about Cameron Diaz.

And I said, oh, yeah, she's great.

Yeah.

I have to praise her for a second because when Lake Bell was getting married,

I had just come through all of the hell that I had gone through in 2012.

And so I was just kind of getting back out into life.

And she overheard me saying to somebody I just need

a vacation you know yeah and she said

hey she said I have a house right on the ocean

and and she said it's the first place I ever bought and it's not my house that I live in but I would love it if you would go um stay there and have your vacation right on the water.

I did.

Shut up.

I did.

I did.

Oh my God.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It was really like

unbelievable because I couldn't go anywhere.

That was the other thing, as I was saying, is I had all of these doctor's appointments.

Yeah.

And it just, it just,

everything was so up in the air, but it was really incredible what she did.

Can I ask you if if ever Stephanie's under the weather or there's an event that you have to go to and you need a plus one, I know I wouldn't be your first choice, but I would love to be your plus one to an event because I feel like you know everyone, and I could just like grin and soak it all up, and you could just be like, This is a little cowboy.

I know a lot of people, but then you would know all the other people I don't know.

Yeah, we'd be a good team, yeah.

Because if I haven't worked with them or socialized with them, I likely don't know them.

Yeah, you don't know who they are at all.

Yeah, I have to be on a party bus with them or on a TV show or something, but anyway, so shout out to Cameron Diaz for the the incredible life-saving time away that she gave me we should try and get a question from her yeah that's a good idea yeah that'd be great all right next question huh yeah hi handsome my name's carrie and my question is what's the one thing or few things maybe that you have moved with you

all of your adult life from place to place.

It could be total crap.

It's not an heirloom, just something that you have moved with you that you can't seem to throw away.

That is so funny.

Great question.

It really is.

And so many things for me.

Like, I, but, well, not so many.

Actually, do we have?

Can I grab it?

Yes.

Okay, one sec.

I'm just going to grab it.

One sec.

Oh my god, this is a YouTube highlight right now.

Oh

there's me.

Okay, this is not the

I'm missing half of them, but basically I have like trinkets, right?

And I used to have them all displayed,

but it became, it felt too crowded or something.

But it's things like this magical small box.

Like at the moment, I got all these trinkets in here.

So

magical small brass box.

And I've collected all these things.

What kind of magic?

Well, it just has a certain magic to it.

Okay.

And then this, this is.

By the way, showing me it again did not prove any sort of magic.

This is, it was a gift from someone.

It's Baltic amber, and inside it has an insect inclusion, and it's 35 to 50 million years old.

Oh my, okay, can you leave that to Max in your will?

Yes, 100%.

Yeah, I mean, someone probably bought it on eBay and it could be fake, but yeah, just think about it.

No chance that's fake from eBay yeah this is a Victorian

I found this in an antique shop when I was like 20 it's a Victorian feng shui compass and I don't know how to use it but it's hold on to it it's got like the I Ching symbols and if you

I mean it's not pointing north right now but it'll show you like yeah it I don't know things like that that have a sort of power to them but they're almost too powerful like

to to have out so put them away I'm putting them away now.

Yeah, what the hell are you doing?

What about you?

I've collected

rock magazines over the years, like Rolling Stone, Rolling Stone, Spin, Cream Magazine, all these different magazines.

And

in an unfortunate twist, though,

our garage flooded and those got wet and molded.

And they were like

classic,

classic old collectible rock magazines so

I have to next week I'm cleaning out the garage and part of that is saying goodbye to my

rock and roll magazine collection it wasn't like um

a billion magazines it was just um like a crate full you know those things that you've had for so long that you just know those cover images so well and it's nostalgic.

Like even, did your parents have National Geographic in the house?

No.

We had like National Geographic magazine and there's just like a few iconic covers that are just

that woman with the green eyes.

Yes, yes.

Yes.

Is that the most famous cover?

I think so.

Does she have, is it, yeah, are they different colored or they're just so cool?

I think they're just so green and her skin's very dark and she's really beautiful and

incredible.

Everyone knows that cover.

Yeah, yeah.

yeah

should we hear the answer I think we should may

Thomas can we hear the answer please Thomas Thomas please play it

okay since you

so nicely I'm in the middle of moving from Saudi Arabia back to the States

and I'm not doing a shipment I'm doing everything in in suitcases the same as I did when I moved here to Saudi 10 years ago and I realized I have a scrub like a medical top that medical professionals wear.

I have one that I've moved, I've had it since college, and I've never worn it.

I cannot seem to get rid of it.

I feel like I'm supposed to, I don't know where it came from.

I have no idea.

I think maybe it was my mom's,

but I don't know.

I suppose I could ask her.

Anyway, what's your thing that you've just wagged from place to place and you can't get rid of?

I look forward to hearing your answers, and thank y'all for always making me laugh.

Oh my gosh.

Well, first of all, we already told you.

But second of all, how much did she remind me of Julia Louis Dreyfus?

Oh, yeah.

Now that you mention it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She seems really delightful.

We don't even know if there are any doctors in the family.

Like it seems to me like she's like, maybe it was my mom's, but like.

She doesn't have a clue.

She doesn't have it.

She doesn't know what the hell's going on.

Yeah.

So what she's classic carry, man.

Lugging it around.

Yeah.

And it's a unworn doctor scrub wow

good luck with that but i like what she almost said and then she kind of stopped herself i feel like i'm supposed to have it or like i it'll come like i feel like there's a superstition there like that's in your life for a reason so hold on to it

if you suddenly you suddenly have to do surgery on the go or something

yeah well i've always got shows coming up you can you can go to my instagram and see i post about comedy shows or maymartinmusic.com.

I'm at Largo June 17th, but maybe that's already passed.

But yeah, check out MaymartinMusic.com.

What about you, Tig?

Well, I'm at TigNotaro.com.

I have some really fun shows coming up.

If you're sitting around going, I would love to see Tig live, I might be headed your way.

So tignotaro.com.

Also, go to speakpipe.com/slash handsomepod

and leave us more questions.

These have been so much fun to hear and answer and hear your answer.

And also rate, subscribe, review the podcast, YouTube.

Get on there, subscribe, share an episode with friends because we really want to keep building this handsome community because it really is a handsome community.

Am I right, May?

100%.

It's the handsomest and the most community-ish.

That's true.

Couldn't have said it better.

And until next time, what do you say?

We

keep it pretty handsome.

Yeah.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.