Pretty Little Episode #43

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the Handsome Pods pretty little episode.

I'm Fortune.

You sure are.

And you know what?

I'm Tignotaro.

Yes, you are, my friend.

Yes, my friend.

Those are our names.

Friends, my friends.

My friends.

These are our names.

Good to see you.

Good to see you.

I'm chilling here, and I just got back from visiting

North Carolina.

I went to my first NASCAR race.

Uh-uh.

How do you end up at a NASCAR race?

That does seem fun.

I mean, I was curious.

I'd never gone.

And

Burt Kreischer was, his wife was on a, sat on a plane beside me on the way home

to visit and she was like they're they were doing a thing in Charlotte and my family was gonna be gone at that point and I was like why not let me just check that out that's awesome and so would you go again and what is it like and

tell us about the clientele I love people watching that was pretty exciting sure yeah it's like a big festival kind of outside before it starts I would go again, but I only stayed for like the first hundred laps.

It's 400 laps.

That's a lot of laps.

It's a lot of laps.

Fortune, I'm with you.

That's a lot of people.

I don't, I'm not invested enough to stay the whole time.

But I got to go down on the track, and that was pretty cool for it being having never gone.

And

so I met a couple drivers.

They like hang out on the track before the race and like shake people's hands and stuff, like a parade.

I thought you were going to say have beers and stuff.

That would be on brand.

But I didn't know that happened.

And so we just were down there chatting with the guys and you're like, where are they coming to pit for the pit stops or whatever?

Yeah.

And then when the race is about to start, they're like, get out of here.

It's time.

But then I got to watch in the area right behind the pit, people.

So I'm like on the track watching these freaking cars go a gazillion miles an hour.

Now,

this happens at the same time that the Indy 500 happens, I guess, because the Indy 500 was on the other day, and

then we're watching that.

Yeah,

yeah.

Do those guys, I don't know enough about that.

Do they compete in both the things?

Do you

spoke about it?

I have never seen the Indy 500 on my TV as an adult or a child.

I was surprised that it was on our TV when I walked into the room.

Yeah.

And

I thought,

I don't know what I thought it was.

Indy 500.

I don't know.

Is it that they go around 500 times?

Oh, I don't know.

Really?

You mean more than 400?

That's a lot.

A lot.

It's so much in that area.

It's very loud.

You cannot watch it without earplugs.

I mean, I guess you could, but you shouldn't.

Yeah, don't do that.

We did.

One of the drivers we met, his name was Bush, so I was a fan.

Fortune

Marie.

I was immediately on board.

Bush with a CH.

Okay.

That's the fancy spelling of it.

But yeah, it was an adventure.

You know, I'm open to doing just whatever.

Let's just have fun.

I know you are, girl.

I know you are.

My window is closing in life where I'm open to whatever.

Okay.

You know, I feel like

I'm a little too into my

get in bed by nine, have my routine.

But you were open for a while.

I was very open.

That's what I thought, yeah.

And I did a lot of things.

A lot of places.

And I always tell Stephanie, if there is some terrible tragedy or we lose me a little early,

I don't want to.

I don't want to go.

We don't want that either.

No, but

I have done

everything

I've ever wanted to do, plus more.

And no one feels sad.

I mean, and that's kind of a good place to be where it's like, you know, it's,

it's, I got Stephanie and my little cubs and I got handsome and what else do I need you know I still want to I there's still some things I need to do

yeah there's things that I'm happy to do and I'd like to do but if they don't happen

no one should feel sorry for me you know

yeah you've lived it up I'm glad to hear that yeah I'm glad to say it and I've cheated death many times and so I'm really this is all just bonus, bonus, bonus.

You're living the cherry on top right now.

I really am.

I just want to be happy, safe, healthy.

Yeah.

All those things.

And

I look back on my life going, man, I'm glad I did that.

And ooh, that was a bit of a risk.

Yeah.

Well, I think when you cheat death a couple of times, you appreciate everything a bit more, don't you think?

Yeah.

It's cute that you think it was only a couple.

How many?

Eight times?

I don't know.

Thomas has sat with me at my

bedside.

Oh, my gosh.

But yeah, it's been,

it's, but whatever.

It's a good feeling.

It's a good feeling to know I've taken risks.

I've traveled all over.

I've done all of those things.

I love that.

And yes, there are so many things that I could still do or I think you will do.

And that I will do.

Or or I might not, but I don't have that feeling of, oh, I haven't, I gotta, I want,

you know, I think the main thing is I just want to, I want to see Max and Finn grow up.

That's that's really what I want in life.

I love that.

Yeah, so that's what I'm trying to take care of myself so I can see

who grows a mustache and who doesn't.

You know?

So it might be me.

It might be you.

All of us.

We already know what you look like with one.

Very handsome.

Yeah, well, thank you.

I was waiting for you to say that.

I don't think I've seen you with a mustache.

You haven't done the fake mustache thing, have you?

No, I felt like it would turn you guys on too much.

Hmm.

That's interesting.

But I will.

Don't you worry.

You're going to sneak up.

You know, I love one of those

handlebar.

Yeah.

But I'm always confused.

I thought handlebar was like where you like twist little ends.

Is that what is that?

The, oh, I see what I know what you mean.

You have to talk like this.

I don't know.

I thought handlebar was this, but maybe not.

No, I think it is because anytime I go

with my fingers on my face, people are like, oh, you like a handlebar.

But the twisty one, I don't know what that's called.

But doesn't it seem like it helps you think when you twist the

mustache hair?

For sure.

And what is the voice you would put to thinking, twisting?

Oh, I'm going to solve this crime.

A little bit of

May's goofy voice.

Yeah.

Not in life, but you know, May does the nerdy voice.

Sure.

Oh my god, I

feel like Thomas is googling mustache names.

That's what he's doing because he is.

Do you want some mustache information?

Any more stupid questions?

We must ask you a question about mustaches.

Yes.

Those are both handlebar mustache styles.

The curly one is called an imperial mustache.

And it seems like this one that goes down might be called a walrus.

Oh, that makes cuckoo.

Or a horseshoe.

What is your kind of mustache called?

A tea dog.

A chevron.

A chevron.

Did you know that about your mustache, Thomas?

No, I'm just looking at a diagram of mustache.

mustaches.

And do they have any menopause mustaches?

I'm not seeing that on this.

You're patchier.

What kind of mustache would you have, Fortune?

I would do like

a thinner, long

one.

Wait, like a,

what's his name, Waters?

Not that thin,

but not a big, thick one.

What is his name, Waters?

John Waters.

John Waters.

Not that?

No, that's too thin.

Okay.

Somewhere in between the Chevron.

The Chevron and the Waters.

The Waters.

What is the

waters stash called?

A pencil pin?

Yeah, a pencil.

Okay.

Hmm.

How is it?

We learned something new.

How is it that we have referenced Jimmy Buffett even once

and then twice and then three times?

I mean, did I tell you my old assistant

hosts a Jimmy Buffett

radio show?

Yeah, on Jimmy Jimmy Buffett's channel.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's funny.

Look at me name-dropping.

Should we get into our questions?

Let's do it, boo-boo.

Let's do it.

Hi, handsomes.

This is Casey from North Carolina.

And my question is inspired by Fortune as Dougie on the TV show Life in Pieces.

And I'm wondering if you were a wrestler, what would your wrestler name be?

That's so so funny.

So, there was this show on CBS called Life in Pieces, really great show with like Diane Weist and

James Brolin.

And I had a recurring character on there who was an insane person.

And I was a former wrestler, and my character's wrestling name was Tackle Box,

which is actually a pretty great wrestling name.

That's really good.

So, in the episode, they had me in a yellow wrestling outfit and i drove up on a yellow moped and it was wild what would your wrestling name be hmm i think mine would be what my brother used to call me as a kid

or actually my mother called me this tough tig i thought you were about to say tough tits

But tough tig makes more sense.

Yeah, my tits weren't as tough.

They really let you down.

Yeah, not only did they get sickly, but they got cut off.

Like there was no fighting back.

No, they were just out of there.

Yeah, my mother called me Tough Tig.

Yeah.

You know, because I was a little rough and tumble, scrappy,

Huckleberry Tig.

And then my brother, everybody called me that.

So it seems like Tough Tig might.

That's a good one.

Yeah, TT.

Yeah.

Tough Tig.

You wouldn't want to wrestle Tough Tig.

Tough tig.

Oh my gosh.

Look at what treading's doing.

Whoa.

If you're on YouTube right now,

if you're not hanging over there, that's really good, Fortune.

Thank you.

When is the last time you had muscle definition to that

scary degree?

I I don't know if I've ever had any muscle definition, but yeah, just for those audio listeners, I just showed Tig

muscle in my arm.

Are you enjoying having that?

I love it.

Great.

I'm trying not to be so out of shape.

You are looking sharp.

Always look sharp, but I mean, these guns that you are flashing every other episode are, oh, now you are a pretty little lady, aren't you?

You are.

I like to be hands-off and a pretty little lady.

Me too.

I like to swing back and forth.

I haven't seen Pretty Little Lady in any photos in a while.

Of me?

No, that's where it came from.

Is that I don't know if you remember this, but when I would look at pictures,

every now and then there's a picture taken of me, and it's usually when I have makeup on.

That's right.

Where pretty little lady appears.

That's right.

I said that to Stephanie once.

I said, I feel like I look like a pretty little lady.

And we have a lot of stuff.

Or you have like a little lipstick and stuff popping.

Yeah, something when I'm filming something or, you know, I'm rarely in makeup.

If that's surprising to hear.

Well, hopefully Pretty Little Lady Tig will pop out soon.

Don't you like me how I am?

I do.

If I had to come up with a

mine would have to involve the name Fortune.

It would have to be like the Fortune cookie or something like that, you know.

What about tough fortune?

Tough fortune.

Formidable fortune.

Freaky fortune.

Yeah.

Miss, misfortune.

Misfortune, that would be good.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

M-I-Z, just like there's another wrestler with an M-I-Z.

Misfortune.

I like it.

Okay.

Well, our wrestling careers are right.

Let's hear what Casey's answer is.

My answer is I think I would use the name the puzzler because we use a puzzle piece as the symbol for autism awareness.

And I feel that as someone on the spectrum, my true gift may not be physical, but may be more in the realm of just confusing people and making them feel puzzled.

So, that is my wrestler name, and I can't wait to hear all of yours.

Love the podcast.

Thanks for doing it.

Bye.

Nice.

Yes, the puzzler.

I can't believe we heard directly from the puzzler.

Right.

A star in the making.

Yeah.

Yeah.

The puzzler versus tough tig.

The puzzler versus misfortune.

What do you do you think you could beat the puzzler?

I don't know.

The puzzler sounds like they're using their brain, not just their

physical fitness.

So

I could be outsmarted by the puzzler.

Yeah.

On to our next one.

Yeah, let's do it.

Hey, Fortune, May, and Tig.

It's Abby in New Hampshire.

My question for you is, what's a compliment that you receive that is not true at all?

That's not true at all.

I didn't see that twist coming.

That is not true.

I feel like, and I've talked about this, I know, before, but every now and then

I get called nice.

And I do think I'm nice, but I don't feel like I lead with it.

So I don't know if this is the right answer because I do think I'm a nice person.

Yeah.

I'm just not like

bubbly.

You're like sugary.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'm not that kind of nice.

I'm

a big heart, though.

I do.

I do.

And

you'll show up for people when they need you.

But you're not like, hello, dear.

No, no.

That kind of thing.

No.

And I always say, people aren't going to describe me as like, oh my God, Tig is so nice.

Yeah.

But I am.

Yeah.

And I got called nice

at a friend's house a few nights ago.

And I was like, is that true?

Am I nice?

And they're like, well, I mean, you are, but, and then we got into that about everybody.

Like, are you nice?

Is it good to be nice?

Is it right?

I don't know.

What is your feeling about nice?

I totally understand exactly what you're saying.

About what?

About the difference of like

somebody,

a person that's just like,

is that kind of like, like,

never met a stranger, very open, like, oh, honey, that's like, you know,

you just, they're just so sugary, sweet.

Yeah.

And, and then, but you lead.

in a different way.

You're like, hey, what's up?

Yeah, that's not the only version of nice.

Yeah, exactly.

There's so many different versions of nice.

I see what you mean.

I'm trying to think of a compliment.

I mean, usually if someone's saying a compliment, I just

take it to be sincere and I just go, thank you.

It is an interesting question.

I mean, our listeners do send in very interesting questions.

Because here's the thing.

I think that if someone were to say something like that to me,

instead of me thinking that wait to say what if they were to compliment me on something yeah and instead of i don't think my brain would go

that's not true

i think i would think do they maybe they see something

i hadn't thought of

or maybe they see something i don't see in myself

and like oh that's cool

but i don't know that i'm going that's false does that make sense yes which brings me to the thought of

when you have a not great show.

And I know that's happened for me where afterwards people are like, that was so funny.

And I know that's not true.

I know the show did not go well.

I'm sure I have like, you know, like every

woman in the world, I have some like, if someone tells me I'm pretty, I'm just like, ah,

like, I don't, that just just doesn't really resonate with me.

I don't think I'm ugly, but I'm not like, yeah.

Well, you know, you're an attractive person.

I think, uh, but it's encompassing many different things than just like a physical thing.

Well, I mean, that for the, I would say most people.

Yeah.

I mean, there are some people where it's solely physical,

but then it makes them not attractive because it's only physical.

Yeah.

I guess that probably doesn't resonate with me as much, maybe, than like someone telling me I'm funny.

I'd be like, oh, thanks.

Yeah, so it's hard to take pretty little lady.

Pretty little lady, I can somehow take because it's silly.

Yeah,

it's weird.

Does Zobby have an answer?

I bet so.

For me,

I have been told that I'm unflappable,

like calm in a crisis, which is great that that's what I'm projecting, but 100% not true.

I am freaking out.

All right.

Well, talk to you later.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

Yeah, like you, you, someone put out that air of having it together in a crisis, but you're like, no, no, I'm the one

running for cover.

Struggling.

Yeah.

How are you?

Are you unflappable?

You feel unflappable.

I joke that I'm like not butch because I'm not like,

you know, same sees typical in that way, but I would think in a real jam, I would step up

and figure out the crisis.

Same, unless there's blood.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I'll be unconscious.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll faint.

I'm done.

I don't get squeamish about that.

Stephanie has to step up in those moments.

I'm like, oh, God.

Oh, God.

I have to lie down.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

I think, too, like, you don't really know how you'd be in a situation, you know, if in a real mess.

This is like, I had a show at a comedy club years ago

and they, I was in the green room and

people started flooding down the hall.

And I was like, and they looked, I've never seen the look of fear on people's faces the way I saw.

when they came around the corner and there was an they uh they they they thought an active shooter oh god and um you know you hear about this awful stuff and you don't know how how it will be and they were coming to basically like a dead end and I'm like you have to like go this way through the kitchen like don't you know don't get in a dead end and it was like um

eerily quiet

everyone had like scattered and hidden and um I just remember like

just

kind of like walking around the corner trying to look, and like I was kind of surprised that I wasn't running away.

I was just like

trying to find where the trouble was, and I'm like,

it ended up being like a knife thing in a movie theater, and someone yelled gun.

So, it ended up God being a non-thing, but it the way it scared people was so

jarring.

And I'll never forget the look on people's faces.

But

I don't know if there was real trouble, I, you know, you should run for sure.

But I was kind of like, what am I doing?

Yeah,

going towards whatever might be there.

I'm not going to know how to fix something around the house, but if you're in a pickle, I got you, boo.

Yeah, me too.

Unless there's blood.

Unless there's blood and you're passing out.

I am not available.

My friends, submit your questions to speakpipe.com slash handsome pot.

And yeah, share this show with your loved ones.

Really, though, if you like an episode, help us build this handsome, pretty little lady and lady

community.

That's right.

You got anything to promote?

Foobar is out on Netflix.

Check that out.

And if you want to come to Vegas, I'm there tomorrow night.

Or yeah, tomorrow night at the Palazzo.

So come on out there in Lexington and Knoxville, Tennessee.

I got a lot of fun shows.

June 21st, I'll be at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles.

August 17th, West Hampton Beach, New York.

And August 23rd, P-Town, Massachusetts.

So come on out, tignotaro.com.

And until next time,

keep it pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.