Allison Williams asks about mundane superpowers

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Handsome, chat with friends on the handsome pot, Chat with friends on handsome. We're just feeling

cheers.

Handsome pot.

I'm Fortune Feebster.

I'm Tinker.

I'm May Martin. I'm May Martin.
I'm Fortune. We're excited.
Oh my God, you guys, we haven't been together in a room in a minute. It has been a beat.

And what a treat this is to see y'all's pretty faces. Pretty handsome faces.
I'm a pretty little lady. You're buzzing? Yeah, I'm buzzing.
Well, what's going on? Had a lot of coffee. Yeah,

the sun. I'm absorbing the sun.
Oh, that's nice. Isn't it, though? Yeah.
When you say. I've been taking Biggie on walks to the park every morning this week, and that's been so fun.
That's delightful.

Yeah. I saw a piece of art that said, it was this woman lying in the sun, and it said, I will let the sun impregnate me and murder me.

Wow. I keep thinking about it.
Now, every time I'm in the sun, I think, let it impregnate me and murder me. Okay.

I don't want either of those things. That's an intense relationship with the sun.
Yeah, I just want to have...

I mean, it's been nice to have the weather shift and have all this warm weather, but I'm not looking for a...

I mean, I would be impregnated with another sun. I'd have three boys.

Isn't it weird, though, that it's... like this life-giving, warm thing that makes life happen, but it's so dangerous.
It can burn you. Well, it can murder you.
It can murder you.

That's what you are doing.

I'm very fair-skinned, so I have to be careful with the sun. You're delicate, yeah.

I mean, we're all kind of fair-skinned. Yeah,

yeah, yeah.

I can imagine you getting not brown in the sun. Not brown?

N-U-T, not brown. No.

It's like, Tig now,

I can imagine you getting not brown.

No tan whatsoever. No, I do tan a little bit.
Yeah.

Do you not tan at all? Not really. I burn and then I'm white again.
You're getting not brown. You're looking buff over there.
You think I'm looking buff? Oh, you think you're looking buff?

Look how excited. To see how happy I got.
Yes, I am really trying. I can tell you're bulking up.
Thanks.

Look at those muscles. Look at those muscles.
I didn't get it. We're just getting treading muscles.
I know. That's it.
I haven't treaded in like two weeks. I treaded today.
I was out of town. You did.

How was it? It was so delightful.

I just really, it's so meditative. Yeah.
Yeah. It's so meditative for me.

I got my friend Joe staying with me.

How's old Joe? Old Joe's good. He's very pale, very fair.
Hi, my name is Joe.

I got a wife and three kids and I work in a bucket factory.

One day, my wife came, or wait, is it my wife or my boss? Guys, I never got to the bottom of it. We never did and we don't want to.

Yeah, he's good, and he's British, but

good to know. Not, yeah, just so you can picture it.

But we were playing, okay, we were playing foos ball, which by the way, now every morning I go, Morning and Fooz, Morning and Fooz. And I'm like, Morning and Foo.
Morning and Fooz. Morning and Fooz.

And he goes,

Okay, so there's offense, you know, on a soccer pitch, and then what, and then there's

defense. Right.
And then he goes, but in the government, there's the Secretary of State. Defense.

Defense. That's That's it.
State. Yeah, of course.
Pronunciation.

But why is it defense for soccer and then everything else? Soccer. Oh, yeah.
We're going to play defense. We're going to play defense.
Because you wouldn't say, don't get so defensive. Yeah.

So what's that about? I think

just the English language is weird, right? Good answer, Fortune.

You guys, if we're really fortunate about it, nailed it with that answer. That's complicated language.
That's good.

Yeah. Yeah.
You know? Defense sounds like depuffer. De-puffer.
Is it a complicated language? Because I mean, I speak it very easily. It's very complicated.
It's totally so easy. Spanish is easy.

Listen to me talking English. Like, I'm not even

struggling at all. People say it's hard.
I think it's hard. But we don't have like

where every object is masculine or feminine. I mean, we know.

The Spanish is the masculine. That table, let's say one, two, three.
What is its gender? Masculine. Thank you.
Fortune didn't know.

I didn't know. Okay, this sofa, one, two, three.
Female. You said male.
I did. For this sofa, interesting.
This is female, male, male. Oh, yeah, this is male.
Yeah.

Actually, that's non-binary. Yeah, couch is non-binary.

This is like

love.

Oh, so I'm over here alone. Ah!

We're twinning with our green on. Oh, look how old my hands are.
Your hands are soft. Take and Fortune just touched their heads.
But look.

And look how old my hands are compared to your precious newborn skin.

You do have very

skin. Yes, you do.
I gotta lotion my hands better, though. Well, you know what? It's best to hydrate from the inside.
I drink a lot of water. Good.
I don't, I'm not a soda gal. Me neither.

Guys, I just got a text from Karen Kilgariff. I love Karen.

Can I just tell you, I texted Karen

a video

that Stephanie had sent me of Max and Finn's playlist. Yeah.
And it is, it made, unless she was lying to me. She said it made her cry.
Oh.

It is

all

Eminem, Kendrick Lamar,

and then one Karen Kilgara song. Oh.

Yes. They love it.
Incredible.

Oh my gosh. And Stephanie's dad is the biggest Karen Kilgara fan.
No way.

Have you listened to her album? No, I think she's such a great singer. She's such a great singer.
She's such,

she does this incredible thing. Oh, yeah, as a musician, you should hear her.
I would love to. Because she can, in one song, can make you laugh so hard and then also break your heart.

Oh my god, that's amazing. It is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.
What a skill. Yeah.
She said she's going to do a handsome question. We got to get her to.
Well, maybe she was so

busy talking about true crime. She's so funny.
She's the best. They were doing a thing for a while on their podcast of celebrities or people saying their hometown murders

were things from their life that were like their crime and thing. And I always wanted to tell about the time when

my parents were out and they left me and my brother.

I went to bed.

I think I've told this, and they come back, and my brother's sitting on the front porch looking real pale, not brown.

Not brown. Yeah.
And they're like, is everything okay? And he goes, your friend is having a nap upstairs. And they're like, what friend? He goes, your friend.
I told this, right? I don't think so. No.

Really? Yeah. If you did, I blocked it out.

Me too. This is not familiar to me.
Yeah, my brother said, well, your friend came over and she said that you said she would have a nap in your bed.

And so they go up and there's a strange, a woman asleep in the bed. And she's taken off all her clothes.
Is this like a Goldilocks situation?

Yeah,

that's what it smells like. That's what it feels like.
And she neatly folded all her clothes and she's naked in their bed. She folded her clothes.
Yeah. And so my dad got a baseball bat.
I like that.

What sticks out to you is that she folded her clothes. No, that she's naked.

She's naked in the bed and you're like, oh, she folded her clothes.

Your dad got a baseball bat. And then what? How old was she? She wasn't in the mood to play baseball, right? She was in her 40s.
My dad said. She was baseball ready.
Yeah.

And my dad just said, you got to get out. What are you doing? And she just woke up and said, sorry.
I'm sorry. Put her clothes back on and left.
Had a nice nap.

Well, we had a real hometown crime when I was growing up. Oh, what was it?

Oh, God, is it going to be real dark?

I imagine, no. No, it is.
Oh, it is. Oh, it is.
Oh, you're just. It is like someone stole a chicken.

No.

There was this guy. And oddly, I think roughly around the same year

that, okay, this guy's name is Ricky. Okay.
And the band Skid Row. Have you heard of them? They're a metal band.
Yeah.

Sebastian Bach, lead singer.

He has this song 18 in Life, and it's about this kid, Ricky. Yeah.
Okay. Okay.

Ricky at my school, who dated my best friend, Michelle.

He

asked for a rifle for Christmas. Oh, no.

His parents got him a rifle.

He shot his parents,

threw the rifle in the lake,

drove his dad's pickup truck up to the school. He wasn't even old enough to drive.
Not that that's the biggest crime in the story. Did he fold his clothes before? He did fold his clothes.

And he's still, he's life in prison. Whoa.
He is still. And like every now and then, I'll be going about my life, and I'm like, oh my God.
Ricky's still in prison. Ricky is still in prison.

Yeah, and we were

15

years old. And he came to school that day? Like, he came.

He drove his dad's pickup truck up to school to tell tell the principal that his parents were dead. Whoa.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. That's a real hometown.

Yeah. Yeah.
That was, that was like,

yeah. Yeah.

Anyway, so Karen Kilgariff texted me. Yeah.
Caused this whole situation. Back to

your muscles. Back to my muscles.
No, back to, we were talking about pops. So you said root beer, you like, and then my question was,

what root beer? Well, it's barks. Barks.
Originally from Biloxi, Mississippi. Is it? Yes.
No way. Never had it.

You've never had barks. Oh, my God.
And barks in the bottle. If anyone here is Mississippi.
I'm going to get to this camera.

Where are those Mississippi folk? But yeah, Barks in the Bottle is where it is at.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean,

Max and Finn love the fact that when I was little in Mississippi, that we'd be in the back of pickup trucks drinking barks in the bottle, like without seat belts belts just thrown in the back of a pickup truck yeah yeah

yes but anyway so if you're going to see a movie and you know you you order you get a drink and they give you the empty drink and then you go to the station and they got all the taps and all the different pops i went the other day and obviously i'm mixing multiple pops that's like the great luxury of having the option.

You said you liked to mix a lot of them, but oh, I already said this. You did, but that's fine.
You're passionate about it. I am.
It's like it comes up every day.

If I'm going to mix any drink, it would be like Sprite and like a cherry. Well, that's a Shirley Temple.
Exactly. Yeah.
No, I'm going ginger ale, Coke Zero,

and Fanta. Aren't those called kamikaze? Are they? Well, I mean, when I was a kid, right, yeah.
Kamikaze, you just go a little bit of everything. Yeah.
And you like the taste.

Yeah, and the person I was with was horrified. Yeah, I can see that.
Who were you with? I was on a date, actually. Oh,

okay.

Very loud.

Oh, yeah. Just jump over a date and talk about the soda pop you had.
Oh, me? I was just on a little date, Mac says. Yeah.

Can we know the gender? The gender is female. Okay.
I know you had a male date, right? I did. Oh, wait.
Did we ever talk about how that went? It was great. Oh, okay.
Tell us.

What do you mean it was great? Tell us details. No, I've got to turn a new corner.
Okay. Oh, I'm not sharing.
I'm not sharing. Well,

we don't have to share it. I feel like we can break this curve.
You can break this curve very easily.

Yeah, I'm into. Yeah, you're just having fun.
I'm having fun. I'm in my hot boy summer, I guess.

And so, when you go on a date with a dude,

do you pick each other up? Do you meet somewhere? Who picks up the bill? Oh, nice, dude. Good question.
Thank you.

Do you kiss goodnight? Do you give us all these date? Do you touch privates? What's happening? This is the 1950s. Who pays the bill? Yeah.
I mean,

I will say I am curious, too. Hey, well, Fortune, me too.
Yeah, yeah, we're both curious. Can you answer anything? You don't have to answer everything, but what you're doing to answer.

Well, on this particular date,

we met in a bar and we bought our own drinks, I think.

I think, or I bought a round and he bought a round. Okay, yeah.
And then

did some kissing and then didn't go. But maybe we'll see.

And did you meet on an app? We did meet on a nap. Okay.

I would love to walk into a bar and

kissing smooching a dude. Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know. It's fascinating to me.
Really? Yeah.

Right? No. Have you kissed a boy? Oh, have I kissed a boy? We know about the HJ, but did you kiss?

It wasn't even a full HJ. It was a grab.
A grab. Oh, yeah, yeah.

That was years. It was more of a musical lesson, right?

Yeah.

The only boy. I've kissed two boys.

Yeah. But tongue?

Years and years ago. One tongue, one no tongue.

Now

back to your muscles. Back to my muscles.
Yeah, I'm doing a lot of pull-ups.

I'm lifting weights with

this bubbly boy trainer.

He's so bubbly. My friend Elliot, he's amazing.
If you're in L.A., you've got to see Elliot. And I listen to Baxter Boys or Atlantis Morissette while I do it.
Yeah.

Or Weezer sometimes. I love Weezer.
I love Weezer. Not that I don't enjoy the others, but I'm like, I love how, like, Weezer reminds me of the cars, like, how almost robotic the music is.
Right.

You know, like, Weezer reminds me of a modern-day version of the cars. Yeah.
I don't know the cars. I was about to lie and pretend I did.

You don't know the cars? No.

Do you know the cars?

With Rick Okasich, lead singer? You don't know the cars. Oh,

tell me a song.

Tell me a hit.

They don't know the car. Who are you talking to? Thomas? Anybody? Are you talking to the air of the cars? They don't know the cars.

Tell us the song.

Is there a hit song? It doesn't. I don't think Tinks is a song.
No, no, no, no. Two against the song.
The cars haven't had a hit. Tink's.
Are you still?

Because you don't know the songs. You don't know their songs.
You don't. Yeah, you know.
Just what I needed. Just what I needed.

Sure.

Just what I needed. How does it go?

Just what I know. I know I know that song, but now I can't think of how it goes.

Anyway, it doesn't matter. It doesn't even matter.
But they influence Weezer, we think.

I don't even know. I mean,

I don't know. I have no idea.
But when I hear Weezer, I'm like, God, this is like the modern-day cars because there's something. And we know exactly what that means.

I like that the lead singer's name is Rivers Cuoma. That's a great name.
Rivers is a great name.

I remember he

went through a period of time, maybe still, where he was abstaining from sex. Really? Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like it was around 2001.

Really? As you enter your hot boy summer? No, you're right. Now's not the time.

Save that for winter.

And he publicly was like, I'm...

Why, for like, to keep his creative juices? Possibly. Is that a thing? Do you think that you're expelling...

Like, if the energy of desire is connected to the energy of creativity in some way, or like, like, do you think being monastic and stuff is gonna you're you'll channel that energy into other stuff i don't know maybe that's such that was his hope well maybe he had other issues around you know relationships or sex or whatever it was that he felt like he had i

there he goes all right he's off to the racing motors

did you hear that

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Did you end up doing your thing in Ojai that you were going to do? I did. How was Emily? Yeah, Emily Sellyars from The Indigo Girls.
How was it? It was so,

I mean, it was such a magical weekend.

Stephanie and I took Max and Finn to Ojai, and it was for the Playwrights Conference at the Ojai Playhouse.

Such a great theater.

Such a great lineup of talented people. And

we stayed, you know, Michaela Watkins. I love her.
Yeah, she's so ridiculously funny

and a solid human being, as is her husband, Fred. And

we stayed in their guest house for the weekend. Oh, nice.
So nice. And their property is just so beautiful.
And we were swimming, treading water and whatever.

Oh, that's nice. Went up for ice cream, and everyone kept yelling, keep it handsome.

Everywhere in Ohio. Seriously, yeah.

I love that.

I went up recently to Ohio, and I swam in a river, like this. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, I was jumping, scrabbling around. Oh, yeah.
Fred wanted to take us to the river. It's amazing.
We didn't have time.

It was so nice. Yeah.
And then there were these people there with a dog, and the dog was jumping in the water.

And I had my camera, and I was like paparazziing this dog and getting, and I think they were getting uncomfortable with it because I was like, when the water was

went in the water, it was like a cattle dog. It was a beautiful cattle dog.
I want a dog so bad. Like an Australian cat.
I thought you were going to share custody with one.

Alana. Yeah, these two pit bull puppies, Burt and Ernie.
One of them, I think, has been adopted, and then Alana's keeping the other one. Oh, she is.
Yeah, she's keeping her.

Alana Johnston. Alanis,

when will she be my friend, Alanis? Alanis? I don't know. Talk straight to the camera.
Alanis. Alanis.
You're my girl. Can you be friends with May?

Yeah, like, I don't mean to be weird about it, but I just think we'd get along. I think I also think we'd get along too, but you also want to be alive.
I feel like we would have intense issues.

I actually, I've already met Atlantis. So have I.
Yeah, we met Atlantis too. We're saying we want to be friends with Alanis.
I know, but I'm saying, like, I met her. We had bad energy.
No, we did not.

Atlantis, I don't think she has bad energy.

She stared deep in my soul, and I've been changed ever since. Yeah, that's what I want.
Well, I have been changed ever since. I mean, this weekend in OHI,

listening to Emily Saliers sing with Beth Malone. Do you know who Beth Malone is?

One of the stars of Fun Home. Did you see Fun Home? Oh, yeah.
Are you familiar with Fun Home? No. That was great.
It's a great musical.

What are you talking about? Is there a way to see it?

I saw it in New York and I saw it in L.A. It is so

fun home.

It is is musical. You would really like it.
Yes. Okay.

It's gay. It is so gay.
Okay, now we're talking. And it's so, oh, and

Stephanie pointed out because we, well, let me finish. Emily, hearing Emily and Beth and then Jonatha Brooke, you know, she was in the band The Story and she's incredible solo.

The three of them singing, I was like, somebody kill me, right? Really? Yes. And then independently, and everybody on the show,

it was so insane yeah but um on one mississippi stephanie and i recreated and sang the duet um the song from fun home called ring of keys okay um

as a duet yeah it is such a beautiful song does stephanie sing yes i love her voice oh i didn't know that she never sings an improv when we're doing improv in fact if a song comes up she'll bail like yeah she's a little weirdo but um she sang that night with Emily and Beth and everyone.

Ring of Keys is not a do-weight. Oh, what I was going to say is it's the little girl version of Beth's character in the play.
Okay.

Who's like maybe 10 and she's in this store?

And then

this butchy woman walks in with a ring of keys on her belt loop and has lace-up boots. And this little girl is like,

sees herself in this person. And it's that moment of like, and the lines of the song are like, I know you.
Yeah. Can you feel my heart saying hi?

It is the most beautiful song. And Stephanie and I sang it to each other in our little love story in One, Mississippi.
And then we're

in Ojai with Beth Malone. That's cool.

Who didn't sing Ring of Keys, but she sang Ring of Keys at the performance this last weekend.

And Stephanie and I were just like, Are you kidding me?

I mean, you have to see it. It was a perfect weekend,

it really was. It was so fun.
And

yeah, we just,

we all had a wonderful time. Oh, good.
I've loved Jesus Christ Superstar, the musical. And I, have I already said this too, Fortune?

I don't think so, but you know that they're doing the Hollywood Bowl with Cynthia Revo. Yeah, I got tickets, but

I feel like I've lost my mind because I went nuts. It was late at night.
I saw it. It's Adam Lambert as Judas, Cynthia Rebo as

Jesus, and I spent $2,000

on ticket boxes. I should cut that out.

Is that really like... No, people need to know.

I have made

to know. Yes, people need to know.
I don't even have someone to go with. I just was like, I need to be there and I need to be near the front.
I don't know why.

I don't think you're going to have a hard time getting somebody to go to that with you. Do you think? Do they have to reimburse you? No, the Hollywood Bowl is pretty magical too.
It's

a really great experience. I think I'm gonna love it.
If you really want to see something, you work hard, go see it.

I might try and get my dad to come down to LA because he was in Jesus Christ Superstar. That's a different kind of evening than I thought for you, but that's great too.

I mean, I think it'd be really bonding. He's like, he played, he was the understudy for Pontius Pilot, and he also.
Is it Pontius or Pontius? Or is it Pontius? I thought it was Pontius Pilate. Wait.

Isn't that Pontius, is it? How do we always run into this problem? It sounds like Ponti's.

Pontius Pilot? You're saying Pontius? Pontius. Pontius Pilate?

Oh, is it Pontius? Now I don't know.

Thomas?

I can play the Google pronouncer of it. Yeah.

Oh, God. Pontius Pilate.
Oh, my God. No.
One more time?

Pontius Pilate. Still Pontius Pilate.
My God. Pontius just makes me think of Pontius.
Wait, so then has my dad been saying it wrong too? Maybe this y'all's Canadian. That's why you think it's Pontius.

Yeah,

when they're actually called Pontius. I was like, Pontius.
I was like, you know, they made me go to church all the time growing up. And she's like, I'm pretty sure it's Pontius.

Oh, there is a British pronunciation. British.
Oh, there you go, John. Here we go.

Pontius Pilate. Fucking hell.

It's still Pontius.

Pontius Pilate. Can you run the Japanese pronunciation? Pontius Ponti.
Oh, my God.

Yeah.

But But I think that would be good

bonding. That would be nice.
Because he always sings his line from the play was, Good Kaya Fest, the council waits for you. And he always sings in the kitchen while he's cooking.

It was like 40 years ago that he was in the musical.

That's his one line from the music.

That'll be a great show. I think you're going to be a good one.
Oh, it's going to be great. You'll have a ball.
I got to go to the Hollywood Bowl sometime this summer.

Yeah, I bet you will. I sure will.
Yeah, listen to some music, dance around. Yeah, I know we have to get to our guests, but I want to tell you something.
Please. I'm going at um I'm

We're just holding hands for a minute. We're gonna really pull together because this is what hard what I'm about to say.
Feeling handsome right now. I go to physical therapy at seven in the morning.

Oh, fuck. And I feel like I'm just like walking on air because I I find it so fun to be walking down the sidewalk at like 6.45 in the morning.
Really? Oh, it's it's so exhilarating. People are asleep.

Yeah, and

I go and I physical therapy

working on my knee and my back and stuff. And then,

and it's inspired me to get a personal trainer this week, or this summer. Yes, dude.
Yeah. Who are you going to get?

Who am I going to get? Who are you going to get? I don't know. You want to be my personal trainer? So I think you should get Elliot.
Yeah, he's amazing. Yeah.
But

your physical therapy, is it like strengthening stuff or loosening stuff or what?

All sorts of things. Strengthen it, loosen it up, strengthen it back up, pull it tight, let it go, cut it off.
Yeah,

whatever it takes. Yeah.

So I don't know. You know, I might be buff one day.
It might surprise you. I should do that too.

Maybe I'll get buff with you. We'll catch up to May.

Just weights. are the best.
Yeah, but May can't tread water for an hour. No way.
Are you kidding? I am so. So if you and I are treading treading for an hour and we get buff,

oh, I'm foxed then. Yeah, watch out.
We're going to hog tie you. We're going to have a handsome wrestling match.
Yeah, we will.

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Pontius Pilot. Yeah, it's Pontius.

Fuck. Ponti.
That's all right. We're learning.

The best thing about this podcast is that we all learn something new.

We really do. Right?

We really do. Yeah.
And then sometimes we learn things we don't want to know. Learn things we don't want to know.
And sometimes we give information that's wrong. Oh, a million percent.

A million percent. Every now and then we do give some incorrect information.

Oh, God. I went to get a coffee the other day, and the person told me to keep it handsome.
It's such a treat. It's so good.
Yeah, it's fun.

I was walking across the street in Ojai with my family, and this truck goes by, and I just hear this woman yell, Keep it Hazel!

And then I was also waiting for my family to come out of the ice cream shop.

So I was sitting alone on a bench, just going like, You love a bench, yeah, and you love ice cream, and I'm sitting there alone, just like licking my ice cream.

Yeah, and this woman walks by and she's like, I love your podcast. I was like, Thanks so much.

Our question asker today, I'm so excited. I'm such a fan of hers.

I can tell your foot's flapping.

Look at my little foot starting wiggling this woman. I love cowboy.

She's hilarious. She's a great actor.

You know her from Girls, from the movie Megan, and from Get Out. And she has a new podcast out on Headgum, which is where our podcast is.
Wow. So she'll be in here recording, I guess.

Oh, my God, she'll be in the building. That's awesome.
We'll have to say hi to her sometime. What's her name? Well, her podcast is called Landlines.
Okay, what's her name?

Allison Williams is asking today's question.

Hello, handsome podcast. You handsome podcast, you.

It's Allison Williams. I'm a huge fan of your show and of all three of you individually.
What are the odds? It's a dream scenario.

I really hope that I get to like hang with you in real life one of these days, but

in the meantime, I've been given the great honor and honestly burden, but happy to shoulder it, of asking you a question that no one has asked you yet, that sparks conversation, and that I can also answer in a way that isn't boring.

What is the most banal superpower aka just life skill that you wish you could download into your system automatically?

I'm not looking for anything

extraordinary or even

impressive necessarily. It's just something that maybe a huge swath of the population can just already do and you cannot.

That is my question.

Yep. Okay.
Great question. Thank you, Austin Williams.
And we would also like to hang out with you as well.

Calm down, cowboy.

I think, did I? I feel like something popped into your mind because you really quickly were like, Yep. Yeah, well, I

don't know. It's hard because I can technically carry a tune.
We've all seen it.

Dragon shoots. We've all seen it with Atlantis.

And the chicks. But man, if I could sing like Kelly Clarkson.

Right, like really. Like, really, just

you're like hanging out with people and they're like, oh, there's like a Mike on stage and a karaoke is about to start. That always happens.
You know how that happens in life.

And you just get up there and you sound like Kelly Clarkson. Yeah.

Come on. I feel like the thing that separates like amateur singers from professional.
Amateur? Okay.

What are you saying? saying?

Amateur, but amateur. Amateur could be a British singer.
Have you not talked to people?

Like, how are they? Amateur could be a British thing. I just maybe read a lot of, read a lot.
I don't speak.

You speak like old language, like

amateur Pontius.

But like, you know how really amazing singers can do those like roles, like a Whitney Houston?

Like a

like,

wait, you did it the other day with, uh,

like, but the

scout did it. Don't do that.

You said when you're hanging out with friends, there's a microphone. Yeah.
That's what I just did. I got the Kelly Clarkson going on strip.

But can you imagine just being able to, like, belt like that? Yeah.

She's like, next level.

I've never even heard Kelly go flat. Right.
It's just unbelievable. And the rain.
I've hearing her sing as much as possible. I'm always looking up her songs online.

And this is where I come in again and tell the story about ANR, her bass player. Yes.

You kissed. I can't even pretend like he was my boyfriend, but we're friends now.

And but yeah, we had a little

thing for one another. And he's Kelly's bassist.
Yeah.

Okay, so

I wouldn't mind if I could also, with with that, play

piano or guitar really well. Right.

What are you doing, buddy? Biggie is suddenly revved up. It was from all the singing.

It's very George of the Jungle.

It feels like, yeah, I know Biggie is disturbing that noise that came out. He's disturbed by that? Yeah.

I'm looking at his

b-hole. Yeah.
So.

Okay, I think mine would be, and this would really improve my quality of life is like just to be one of those people who's effortless in the kitchen like who whips up a meal and then also it's suddenly cleaned up and tidy after like it's like it never happened like people are good at that.

I'm good at that. Are you I am good at

I'm not great at cooking. I'm fine.
I can get things heated up and chopped and stuff and into your mouth. But like I clean as I go.

I am that person that I mean when I make my smoothie in the morning

there's no sign of it by the time I'm

really

I just remember, I don't think either my dad can whip stuff up fast. He's a really good cook, but I remember it too.
Yeah, he whips up a puppet like nobody's business.

But when I was a kid and I'd go to people's houses and just their parents would be like, oh, you want an omelette? And they'd, you know, or they'd cook it so fast. Yeah, that's nice.

That's a nice skill, too. Well, an omelette's kind of easy.
I guess

you just get the little flat egg situation, throw some stuff and flat eggs.

What's a flat egg situation? Are you mean? Like on a skillet? You're using a skillet? What do you use?

Pan, regular frying pan? Sure, you can use that. But I'm just saying, like, you throw in your ingredients or whatever, whether it's in the mix of the egg or you put it in the middle.
Okay, but what is

middle and you flap it over? I mean,

I don't even eat eggs, but I did. An asparagus omelette.
That's right. No eggs for you.
Uh-uh. So asparagus omelette, the asparagus asparagus has got to be cooked before it goes.

Unless you like a raw asparagus in your cooked egg. Then you're impressed.

I am impressed by people that can just go in the fridge and pull a bunch of crap out and make something amazing. If I did that, you can? I can pull a bunch of things out and make something

comparable to average. Okay.
Well, that doesn't. I mean, it's got to taste good.
Okay, but I have to say, there have been many times that Stephanie's like, wow.

You know, like, wow, you heated up these things that were all not belonging together. The first step for me would be having the ingredients and the things.

Like, if I did that now in my fridge, I'd be like, I got a protein bar, a cheese string, and an applesauce. What can I

make with this? Yeah. Scramble it up.
Yeah.

Yeah. So that's mine, I think.
Like, effortless cooking. Think about how healthy I'd be.
Like,

you seem pretty healthy to me. We feel your muscles.
Okay, but I'm tired all the time. You're thin, though.
But I'm eating probably a bunch of weeds. I'm just muscular.
Thank you.

yeah but i want to be eating fresh organic food that i'm cooking up myself

got the that unlocked yeah yeah

i mean i you eat so clean but i also i have cookies and i have cake and i have chips and nobody's listening i'm sitting here saying celebrities are just like you just got startled digging he just almost fell over but he was already lying down he probably didn't realize he was where he was oh yeah you cuddled up to me

okay what would you're a superpower? But yeah, I want to make it clear. Yeah.
Fortune. What's up? I still have vegan cake and cookies and things.

I know, I know, and that's good. You have to, like, treat yourself, but you are

a very clean eater. But I also love it.
People misunderstand and think that I'm doing this against my will, right? Like that I'm vegan or eating healthy. And I'm like, I'm very.

It excites me. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's great. See, I want to have more of that.
Like,

I want to crave the kind of foods you crave. Well, I would love to make my smoothie for you.
I would love it.

Um, but also, I'll go out to eat with people and they're like, oh, is it okay if I order this or that? And I'm like, I don't, just because I eat this way, I don't care about the police. No,

no, about anybody, the way they eat. Yeah, yeah, or, or exercise or don't exercise.
Like, that's not my thing. I want to have a dinner party and just wait and do like three courses, but effortlessly.

But also, little cowboy,

for you to have a hot date with somebody who maybe spent the night for whatever reason and just in the morning,

say, how do you like your eggs? How do you like your eggs in the morning?

I like mine with the asparagus.

And would you cook naked with an apron on? Oh, yeah, I would, actually. I'd like that.
I feel more confident naked than in clothes. Would you? Yeah, I would.

Would you

wear a ruffly apron? What's a ruffly? Well, like ruffly. Oh, ruffly.
Yeah.

Yeah. Like an apron with some ruffles around the edges.
I think I have to draw the line somewhere. I don't know.
I would maybe do it as like a fun role play if I was like, I'm going to femme it up.

Yeah. You know?

High heels, high heels. Naked with

white with a ruffly. That would blow it on.
That would blow some of it.

I've before as like a kind of like

type

and then kick your high heel off oh my god

the light comes crashing down

what i do so you're just walking around naked all the time in your head in my usually like in my underwear but just like in general it's when i put clothes on that i feel awkward like they don't fit right and i feel like i don't know how to sit and stand that's why you need an apron and some heels that's all i need some stilettos i was in um australia with caroline ray once and i asked if she I could put on her high heels.

And she let me put them on, and I just was hauling ass down the side. Are you seeing her high heels?

Wow, they're hard to walk in. I'd like to see them.
Easy to run in. Wow.
Caroline Ray cracks me up. She is a silly, silly person.
She gave me a funny tag

for one of my sweet and salty special

where I was talking about coming out. And

she said,

Your hair knew you were gay before you did. I thought that was funny.
That's really good.

What would your superpower be? Well, I mean, I'm a little jealous of yours and yours, but mainly yours because I

you relate. I just really

would love to have and maybe with the time off that I've had, I can utilize it to get better at cooking.

But since I'm gonna go with something different, even though I would love to have both of your superpowers,

I would love to garden.

Yeah, I would love to be somebody that's just out snipping things and talking to you, yeah, and have an abundance of produce

come from it. Like right now, talk to me about something, and I have gardening gloves on.
Oh, do you see that movie Sinners? Oh, no,

huh? Do you see that movie Sinners? Oh, I didn't. What are you doing there? I'm just clipping some things.

You know the lingo. Yeah.

I'm halfway there.

Vines, branches. I'm clipping the things.

My grandma used to always say, I have to go and deadhead the flowers. She'd deadhead them.
Like you'd take the dead leaves off, and I'd go and be her buddy doing it, and we'd have a good chat.

Yeah,

you have to trim them so that they can bloom. Yeah.

Isn't that true of life? Isn't it? You got to shed in order to blossom. Shed to grow.

Shed, to grow. To grow.

Should we hear what Allison has to say? I would love to hear what Allison has to say. I bet you would.

My answer to this question is that I would be able to nap.

This system does not power down midway through the day. It needs like a lot of time to sort of like relax in order to go to sleep at night.
That already is very difficult.

But being able to take a nap, to like shut this down midday for 45 minutes, an hour and 15, like that's

that would fundamentally alter my life, and I have yet to figure out how to achieve that

with the limited tools that I've been given in this one in this life. Um, anyway, thank you for having me, and um, I hope I get to see you all very soon.

Okay, I don't care what any of you say, I don't think she's ugly,

I just don't.

Her genetics are

cut that out,

Cut that out.

The handsomes are flustered.

We can't objectify every.

I think that's the first time the three of us have had the same taste.

Did it get hot in here?

I'm really surprised you didn't say that for your answer, the sleep thing.

Well, after she said that, I was was like, oh, there's another thing I want.

I would love. Yeah.
I mean, I told you, I have a sleep coach right now. Yeah.
Yeah.

Napping is hard for me. I can't shut it down during the day.
My problem is, and I know it's going to be like, oh, classic May. Classic May.

You're up making puppets all night. When I lie down to have a nap.
I mean, during the day. Then I get horny.
And then like. Wait, wait, wait, wait, one long time out.

You get horny when you go to take a nap? Yeah, and then I'll think,

I'll be stressed that I can't power down my brain. And I'll think, well, if I just get off, then I'll sleep.
And then I end up, that takes a while. Right away.
And it's time to get up again.

Plus, it takes away from all the puppet making. Exactly, exactly.
Painting.

I've never heard of going to take a nap and it makes you horny. I hope people listening can relate to this.
There's some

horny. Let us know.
Our handsome listeners, you must tell us if this is

something any of you experience. Yeah, because it's like an unusual time of day to be in bed.
You know, maybe you're even, yeah, I don't know. And yeah.
And you're already half naked. Yeah, exactly.

You're in your frilly aprons and glancing at your own body. You're like, well, you know, I'm positive.
No, it's like, it's like thinking, I want to be deeply relaxed. And I'm in a bed.

And then, yeah, but it just takes too long. And then

I got to get up.

Also, Thomas, I just hiccup burped. Let's keep that in keep that in yeah

it doesn't always take a long time no

no but honestly that would be another great superpower what are we talking about

getting on getting off oh okay sorry for all those that would be another great superpower though to be able to just like when you're ready for it to happen you just go

I just want to garden

I mean I cut the thing I just want to cut I just want to trim the things I just want to garden oh my god with with my little wrinkly fingers. I will say if I sang like Kelly Clark said,

a lot of people would be horny.

And that would help them. I have a friend whose girlfriend can sleep anywhere.

What? Who's trying to make vegan smoothies to garden us?

We

make a living doing this. That's insane.
That's insanity. What is wrong with us? What is wrong with you? What's wrong specifically? Dick's just gardening.
I'm just gardening over here.

We're trying to make people horny. Fortune Marie.

Fortune Marie. That wasn't my intent to sound like Kelly Clarkson, but it would be a byproduct.
Did you, you? I told you all those lesbians went wild when she sang that song. Oh, yeah.

Can you believe how old my hands look? We're back on grandma dig over here.

Oh my gosh. I saw this thing online and I on Instagram.

I guess it's like whatever marketing towards me. Yeah.
Speaking of old hands.

And it's this product. I don't mean to laugh because I'm sure it's very helpful and I probably could use it because I do, you know, trip sometimes and break a femur, but end up on a cane.

It's like a vest. that can sense if you're falling.
I've seen this. And it pops up like it suddenly like inflates.
Yeah, it inflates and like touches your body.

I think you should get.

I told Stephanie about it and she goes, first date.

Because we always joke about just awkward moments or whatever.

Like you forget to tell people that you have an inflatable vest on and you trip and all of a sudden you're like on the ground like with an airbag wrapped around you.

Anyway.

Not a bad idea. Yeah, but that was a really great question.
Like,

just something so kind of. It seems like nothing.
Yeah.

Sleeping, cooking, singing. Yeah.

What was the other thing? This friend of mine. Oh, gardening.

This friend of mine, who's his girlfriend, can sleep anywhere and be having like a dinner party or something.

And then she'll go and just lie on the couch and have a quick nap while everyone's still chatting. And then she's up, she's back.

Wow. I wish I could do that.
Boom. There's something nice about napping in a room where other people are, you feel like a little kid on the sofa.
You can hear the talk.

You can hear the chatting in the background. Yeah, it's nice.
I feel safe. When Max and Finn were babies, and I was in the writer's room for One Mississippi, and so tired.

Like, I know people talk about how tired they are, but I mean, really, you're up every hour feeding these little beaks, you know? Yeah. And then I'd have to be in the writer's room.
And then

I would close my eyes. You know, when you're so deliriously tired, have I told this story before? No, no.

It's a good one. Gather around.

But I would sit there in the room with all the writers. Thomas was there too.
He was our writer's assistant. And I was so delirious.
I'd be like, I'll just close my eyes.

And nobody, because two people would be talking.

And I'd think, okay, they're engaged. Everyone's going to be looking at them.
So I'll just close my eyes.

Stephanie would nudge me and I'd be like, oh, my God.

But tired. tired.
Well, it'd be nice if, like, in preschool, there's nap time and everybody rolls out their little mat and you get your little blanket. They should do that in writers' rooms.

Well, you know, in Spain, they have siestas after lunch, so there it happens. There, it happens.
There it happens. There it happens.
There it happens.

Well,

May's too busy getting horny. So

no naps for you. No.
No.

All right. Anyway, well, that was a glorious episode.
It really was.

You know who sleeps anywhere, though. And who's asleep now? Biggie.
If he's in his bag, in the car, asleep right away. Like a baby.

Watch your mouth. You watch your finger.
Watch your mouth

here. He's full of life.
I know. Aren't we all? What a treat, you guys.
Okay. It's a pleasure being in the room with you guys.
I know. Oh, really? As always.

I love the gay energy that's happening in here. Yeah.
We all came in just giddy as all get out. Yeah.

It's fun.

It's fun.

We all fall asleep fun.

It's fun.

Oh, you guys. What a delight.
Anyone have anything coming up?

I have Las Vegas at the Palazzo Theater, June 14th, and Lexington, Kentucky, Knoxville, Tennessee, Asheville, North Carolina, Lincoln, California, Edmonton,

San Antonio, Houston, DC, Atlanta, Boston, Chicago, FortuneFeamster.com for tickets. What do you got, May? I have tonight, June 10th.
Wow. I am in San Francisco playing music.

I'm going to play my whole album. Please come.
Oh, fun. Don't remember the venue, but it'll be on MayMartinMusic.com.

So that must be your website. That's my website.
Also, May... 12th, I'm in Portland and May 13th, I'm in Vancouver at the Vogue Theater.
And that one I would love to sell out.

If you're in Vancouver, I haven't been there since I filmed my stand-up special there at that theater. And come say hi.
Oh, and

my series, Fubar, Season 2, will premiere June 12th. June 13th, I'll be in Los Angeles at Largo.
And then June 14th, I think this is about almost sold out, but the

Eureka Springs Arkansas show.

June 21st, I'll be at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles. That's all you really need to know.
I'm just at tignotaro.com. That's my website.
Awesome, you guys.

And if you just want to buy a book, I have a book

that I wrote years ago.

What's it called? It's called I'm Just a Person, which is true. It is true.
Yeah, I am just a person. Well, I imagine that that book is amazing now.
Yeah, it's really good.

It is one of the best books I think ever written. Read and read, read and read and written.
Redden.

No,

it's an old book, but I just thought I'd plug it just randomly. Why not, right? Yeah.

Get my old book.

New York Times bestseller. These old hands wrote it.
These old hands

wrote it.

But man, was this a pleasure?

What a pleasure.

Oh, and if you like this show, subscribe. It's so important to subscribe.
And it's so important to give us

comments and feedback and tell your friends send this episode subscribe to YouTube and our audio channel but share your favorite episode share this one yeah all with a friend hang at your summer merch you know we have those amazing uh muscle shirts

for your muscles yeah and they're very popular in summertime yeah and at pride's yeah oh yeah you can wear it to Eureka Springs yeah we got those pride belt bags too fanny packs some people call them yeah well until next time

keep it handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!

That was a head gun podcast.

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