Allison Williams asks about mundane superpowers

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Have some fun.

I'm Fortune Feebster.

I'm Tinker.

I'm May Martin.

I'm May Martin.

I'm Fortune.

We're excited.

Oh my God, you guys.

We haven't been together in a room in a minute.

It has been a beat.

And what a treat this is to see y'all's pretty faces.

Pretty handsome faces.

I'm a pretty little lady.

You're buzzing?

Yeah, I'm buzzing.

Well, what's going on?

Had a lot of coffee.

Yeah.

Okay, okay.

Sun, I'm absorbing the sun.

Oh, that's nice.

Isn't it, though?

Yeah.

When you say.

I've been taking Biggie on walks to the park every morning this week, and that's been so fun.

That's delightful.

Yeah.

I saw a piece of art that said, it was this woman lying in the sun, and it said, I will let the sun.

impregnate me and murder me.

Wow.

I keep thinking about it.

Now, every time I'm in the sun, I think, let it impregnate me and murder me.

Okay.

I don't want either of those things.

That's an intense relationship with the sun.

Yeah, I just want to have...

I mean, it's been nice to have the weather shift and have all this warm weather, but I'm not looking for a...

I mean, I would be impregnated with another sun.

I'd have three boys.

Isn't it weird, though, that it's like this life-giving, warm thing that makes life happen, but it's so dangerous.

It can burn you.

Well, it can murder you.

It can murder you.

That's what we are doing.

I'm very fair-skinned, so I have to be careful with the sun.

You're delicate, yeah.

I mean, we're all kind of fair-skinned.

Yeah, we're

not like.

I can imagine you getting not brown in the sun.

Not brown?

N-U-T not brown?

No.

It's like, Tig, now.

I can imagine you getting not brown.

No tan whatsoever.

No, I do tan a little bit.

Yeah.

Do you not tan at all?

Not really.

I burn and then I'm white again.

looking not brown.

You're looking buff over there.

You think I'm looking buff?

What do you think?

Maybe you're looking buff.

Look how excited.

You're going to see how happy I got.

Yes, I am really trying.

I can tell you're bulking up.

Thanks.

Look at those muscles.

Look at those muscles.

I didn't touch it.

We're just getting treading muscles.

I know.

That's it.

I haven't treaded in like two weeks.

I treaded today.

I was out of town.

You did.

How was it?

It was so...

Delightful.

I just really, it's so meditative.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's so meditative.

For me.

I got my friend Joe staying with me.

How's old Joe?

Old Joe's good.

He's very pale, very fair.

Hi, my name is Joe.

I got a wife and three kids and I work in a bucket factory.

One day.

My wife came, or wait, is it my wife or my boss?

Guys, I never got to the bottom of it.

We never did and we don't want to.

Yeah.

Yeah, he's good, and he's British, but.

Good to know.

Not, yeah, just so you can picture it.

But we were playing, okay, we were playing foos ball, which, by the way, now every morning I go, morning and fooz, morning and foos.

And I'm like, Morning and Fooz.

Morning and Fooz.

Morning and Fooz.

And he goes,

okay, so there's offense, you know, on a soccer pitch,

and then there's.

Defense.

Right.

And then he goes, but in the government, there's the Secretary of State.

Defense.

Defense.

That's it.

State.

Yeah.

Pronunciation.

But why is it defense for soccer and then everything else is?

Soccer.

Oh, yeah, we're going to play defense.

We're going to play defense.

Because you wouldn't say, don't get so defensive.

Yeah.

So, what's that about?

I think

just the English language is weird, right?

Good answer, Fortune.

Fortunate about it, nailed it with that answer.

It's complicated.

That's good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know?

Defense sounds like depuffer.

De Puffer.

Is it a complicated language?

Because, I mean, I speak it very easily.

It's very complicated.

It's totally so easy.

Spanish is easy.

Listen to me talking English.

Like, I'm not even doing it.

I'm not struggling at all.

People say it's hard.

I think it's hard.

But we don't have like

where every object is masculine or feminine.

I mean, we know.

The Spanish is the masculine.

That table, let's say one, two, three.

What is its gender?

Masculine.

Thank you.

Fortune didn't know.

I didn't know.

Okay, this sofa, one, two, three.

Female.

You said male.

I did.

For this sofa, interesting.

This is female, male, male.

Oh, yeah, this is male.

Yeah,

actually, that's non-binary.

Yeah, couch is non-binary.

This is like

love.

I'm over here alone.

We're twinning with our green on.

Oh, look how old my hands are.

Your hands are soft.

Take and Fortune just touched their heads.

But look.

And look how old my hands are compared to your precious newborn skin.

You do have very

skin.

Yes, you do.

I gotta lotion my hands better, though.

Well, you know what?

It's best to hydrate from the inside.

I drink a lot of water.

Good.

I don't, I'm not a soda gal.

Me neither.

Guys, I just got a text from Karen Kilgariff.

I love Karen.

Can I just tell you, I texted Karen a video of that Stephanie had sent me of Max and Finn's playlist.

Yeah.

And it is, it made, unless she was lying to me.

She said it made her cry.

Oh.

It is

all

Eminem, Kendrick Lamar,

and then one Karen Kilgara song.

Oh,

yes.

They love it.

Incredible.

Oh my gosh.

And Stephanie's dad is the biggest

Karen Kilgara fan.

No way.

Have you listened to her album?

Oh, I think she's such a great singer.

She's such a great singer.

She's such,

she does this incredible thing.

Oh, yeah, as a musician, you should hear her.

I would love to.

Because she can, in one song, can make you laugh so hard and then also break your heart.

Oh my God, that's amazing.

It is the weirdest thing I've ever heard.

What a skill.

Yeah.

She said she's going to do a handsome question.

We got to get her to.

Well, maybe she was so.

She's too busy talking about true crime.

She's so funny.

She's the best.

They were doing doing a thing for a while on their podcast of celebrities or people saying their hometown murders

were things from their life that were like their crime and thing.

And I always wanted to tell about the time when

my parents were out and they left me and my brother.

I went to bed.

I think I've told this and they come back and my brother's sitting on the front porch looking real pale, not brown.

Not brown.

Yeah.

And they're like, is everything okay?

And he goes, your friend is having a nap upstairs.

And they're like, what friend?

And he goes, your friend.

I told this, right?

I don't think so.

No.

Really?

Yeah.

If you did, I blocked it out.

Me too.

This is not familiar to me.

Yeah, my brother said, well, your friend came over and she said that you said she would have a nap in your bed.

And so they go up and there's a strange, a woman asleep in the bed.

And she's taken off all her clothes.

Is this like a Goldilocks situation?

Yeah,

that's what it smells like.

That's what it feels like.

And she'd neatly folded all her clothes and she's naked in their bed.

Yeah, she folded her clothes.

Yeah.

And so my dad got a baseball bat.

What sticks out to you is that she folded her clothes.

No, she's naked.

She's naked in the bed.

And you're like, oh, she folded her clothes.

Your dad got a baseball bat.

And then what?

How old was she?

She wasn't in the mood to play baseball, right?

She was in her 40s.

My dad said.

She was baseball ready.

And my dad just said, you got to get out.

What are you doing?

And she just woke up and said, sorry.

I'm sorry.

Put her clothes back on.

Had a nice nap.

Well, we had a real hometown

crime when I was growing up.

Oh, what was it?

Oh, God, is it going to be real dark?

I imagine, no.

No, it is.

Oh, it is.

Oh, it is.

Oh, you're just.

It is like someone stole a chicken.

No, there was this guy, and oddly, I think roughly around the same year

that, okay, this guy's name is Ricky.

Okay.

And the band Skid Row.

Have you heard of them?

They're a metal band.

Yeah.

Sebastian Bach, lead singer.

Uh-huh.

He has this song, 18 in Life, and it's about this kid, Ricky.

Yeah.

Okay.

Ricky, at my school, who dated my best friend, Michelle,

he

asked for a rifle for Christmas.

Oh, no.

His parents got him a rifle.

He shot his parents,

threw the rifle in the lake.

drove his dad's pickup truck up to the school.

He wasn't even old enough to drive.

Not that that that's the biggest crime in the story.

Did he fold his clothes before?

He did fold his clothes.

And he's still, he's life in prison.

Whoa.

He is still.

And like every now and then I'll be going about my life and I'm like, oh my God.

Ricky's still in prison.

Ricky is still in prison.

Yeah.

And we were

15

years old.

And he came to school that day?

Like, he came.

He drove his dad's pickup truck up to school to tell the principal that his parents were dead.

Whoa.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

That's a real hometown.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was like,

yeah.

Yeah.

Anyway, so Karen Kilgariff texted me.

Yeah.

Caused this whole situation.

Back to

your muscles.

Back to my muscles.

No, back to, we were talking about pops.

So you said root beer, you like, and then my question was,

what root beer?

Well, it's barks.

Barks.

Originally from Biloxi, Mississippi.

Is it?

Yes.

No way.

Never had it.

You've never had barks.

Oh, my God.

And barks in the bottle.

If anyone here is Mississippi.

I'm going to go to this camera.

Where are those Mississippi folk?

But yeah, Barks in the Bottle is where it is at.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I mean,

Max and Finn love the fact that when I was little in Mississippi, that we'd be in the back of pickup trucks drinking barks in the bottle, like without seat belts just thrown in the back of a pickup truck.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes, but anyway.

So if you're going to see a movie and, you know,

you get a drink and they give you the empty drink, and then you go to the station and they got all the taps and all the different pops.

I went the other day and obviously I'm mixing multiple pops.

That's like the great luxury of having the option.

You said you liked to mix a lot of them, but.

Oh, I already said this.

You did, but that's fine.

You're passionate about it.

I am.

It's like a comes up every day.

If I'm going to mix any drink, it would be like Sprite and like a cherry.

Well, that's a Shirley Temple.

Exactly.

Yeah.

No, I'm going ginger ale, Coke Zero, and Fanta.

Aren't those called kamikaze?

Are they?

Well, I mean, when I was a kid, right, yeah.

Kamikaze, you just go a little bit of everything.

Yeah.

And you like the taste.

Yeah, and the person I was with was horrified.

Yeah, I can see that.

Who were you with?

I was on a date, actually.

Oh,

okay.

Very loud.

Oh, yeah.

Just jump over a date and talk about the soda pop you had.

Oh, me.

I was just on a little date, Maces.

Yeah.

Can we know the gender?

The gender is female.

Okay.

I know you had a male date, right?

Oh, wait, did we ever talk about how that went?

It was great.

Oh, okay.

Tell us, what do you mean it was great?

Tell us details.

No, I've got to turn a new corner.

Okay.

Oh, I'm not sharing.

I'm not sharing.

Well,

we don't have to share.

I feel like we can break this curve.

You can break this curve very easily.

Yeah, I'm into, yeah.

You're just having fun.

I'm having fun.

I'm in my hot boy summer, I guess.

And so, when you go on a date with a dude,

do you pick each other up?

Do you meet somewhere?

Who picks up the bill?

Oh, nice, dude.

Good question.

Thank you.

Do you kiss goodnight?

Do you give us all these date?

Do you touch private?

What's happening?

This is the 1950s.

Who pays the bill?

Yeah.

I mean,

I will say I am curious, too.

Hey, well, Fortune, me too.

Yeah, yeah.

We're both curious.

Can you answer anything I'm willing to answer.

Well, on this particular date,

we met in a bar and we bought our own drinks, I think.

I think, or I bought a round and he bought a round.

Okay, yeah.

And then

did some kissing and then didn't go.

But maybe we'll see.

And did you meet on an app?

We did meet on a nap.

Okay.

I would love to walk into a bar.

And see me kissing.

I'm smooching a dude.

Yeah.

I don't know.

I don't know.

It's fascinating to me.

Really?

Yeah.

Right?

No.

Have you kissed a boy?

Oh, have I kissed a boy?

We know about the HJ, but did you kiss?

It wasn't even a full HJ, it was a grab.

A grab.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

That one, that was years.

It was more of a musical lesson, right?

Yeah, I'll pair it up.

Yeah.

The only boy.

I've kissed two boys.

Yeah.

But tongue?

Years and years ago.

One tongue, one no tongue.

Oh.

Now,

back to your muscles.

Back to my muscles.

Yeah, I'm doing a lot of pull-ups.

I'm lifting weights with

this bubbly boy trainer.

He's so bubbly.

My friend Elliot, he's amazing.

If you're in LA, you've got to see Elliot.

And I listen to Baxter Boys or Atlantis Morissette while I do it.

Yeah.

Or Weezer sometimes.

I love Weezer.

I love Weezer.

Not that I don't enjoy the others, but I'm like, I love how

Weezer reminds me of the cars, cars, like, how almost robotic the music is.

Right.

You know, like, Weezer reminds me of a modern-day version of the cars.

Yeah, I don't know the cars.

I was about to lie and pretend I did.

You don't know the cars?

No.

Do you know the cars?

With Rick Okasich, lead singer?

You don't know the cars.

Oh,

tell me a song about the cars.

Tell me a hit song.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They don't know the cars.

Who are you talking to?

Thomas?

Anybody?

Are you talking to the car?

They don't know the cars.

They don't know the cars yeah tell us the song is it is it one is there a hit song it doesn't oh I don't think tinks no no no no

cars haven't had a hit tink are you still

you don't know the songs you don't know their songs you don't yeah you know just what I needed just what I needed

sure

just what I needed how does it go

just what I know I know I know that song but now I can't think of how it goes yeah anyway it doesn't matter it doesn't even matter but they influence Weezer, we think.

I don't even know.

I mean,

I don't know.

I have no idea.

But when I hear Weezer, I'm like, God, this is like the modern-day cars because there's something.

And we know exactly what that means.

I like that the lead singer's name's Rivers Cuoma.

That's a great name.

Rivers is a great name.

I remember he

went through a period of time, maybe still, where he was abstaining from sex.

Really?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I feel like it was around 2001.

Really?

As you enter your hot boy summer?

No, you're right.

Now's not the time.

Save that for winter.

Wait, and he publicly was like, I'm...

Why, for like, to keep his creative juices?

Possibly.

Is that a thing?

Do you think that you're expelling...

Like, if the energy of desire is connected to the energy of creativity in some way, or like, do you think being monastic and stuff is going to, you'll channel that energy into other stuff?

I don't know.

Maybe that's

his hope.

Well, maybe he had other issues around, you know, relationships or sex or whatever it was that he felt like he had.

There he goes.

All right, he's off to the race.

Motors is horny.

Did you hear that?

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Did you end up doing your thing in Ojai that you were going to do?

I did.

How with Emily?

Yeah, Emily Sellyers from the Indigo Girls.

How was it?

It was so,

I mean, it was such a magical weekend.

Really?

Stephanie and I took Max and Finn to Ojai, and it was for the Playwrights Conference at the Ojai Playhouse.

Such a great theater,

such a great line-up of talented people, and

we stayed, you know, Michaela Watkins.

I love her.

Yeah, she's so ridiculously funny

and a solid human being, as is her husband, Fred.

And

we stayed in their guest house for the weekend.

Oh, nice.

So nice.

And their property is just so beautiful.

And we were swimming, treading water and whatever.

Oh, that's nice.

Went up for ice cream.

And everyone kept yelling, keep it handsome.

Everywhere in Ojai.

Oh, my sky.

That's amazing.

I love that.

I went up recently to Ohio and I swam in a river like a...

this

yeah I was jumping scrabbling around oh yeah Fred wanted to take us to the river it's amazing we didn't have time it was so nice yeah and then there were there were these people there with their with a dog dog and the dog was jumping in the water and i had my camera and i was like paparazziing this dog and getting and i think they were getting uncomfortable with it because i was like when

in the water it was like a cattle dog it was a a beautiful cattle dog i want a dog so bad like an australian cattle i thought you were going to share custody with one

with uh alana yeah these two pit bull puppies um burt and earnie One of them, I think, has been adopted, and then Alana's keeping the other one.

Oh, she is.

Yeah, she's keeping her.

She's up.

Alana Johnston.

Alanis,

when will she be my friend, Alanis?

Alanis?

I don't know.

Talk straight to the camera.

Alanis.

Alanis.

You're that girl.

Can you be friends with May?

Yeah, like, I don't mean to be weird about it, but I just think we'd get along.

I also think we'd get along too, but you also want to be alive.

I feel like we would have intense issues.

I actually, I've already met Alanis.

So have I.

Yeah, we met Alanis too.

We're saying we want to be friends with Alanis.

I know, but I'm saying, like, I met her, we had bad energy.

No, we did not.

Atlantis, I don't think she has bad energy with anyone.

She stared deep in my soul, and I've been changed ever since.

Yeah, that's what I want.

Yeah.

Well, I have been changed ever since.

I mean, this weekend in OHI,

listening to Emily Sayliers sing with Beth Malone.

Do you know who Beth Malone is?

One of the stars of Fun Home.

Did you see Fun Home?

Oh, yeah.

Are you familiar with Fun Home?

No.

That was great.

It's a great musical.

What are you talking about?

Is there a way to see it?

I saw it in New York and I saw it in LA.

It is so fun home.

Fun Home.

It is musical.

You would really like it.

Yes.

Okay.

It's gay.

It is so gay.

Okay, now we're talking.

And it's so, oh, and

Stephanie pointed out, because we, well, let me finish.

Emily, hearing Emily and Beth, and then Jonathan Brooke, you know, she was in the band The Story, and she's incredible solo.

The three of them singing, I was like, somebody kill me, right?

Really?

Yes.

And then independently, and everybody on the show,

it was so insane.

But on One Mississippi, Stephanie and I recreated and sang the duet,

the song from Fun Home called Ring of Keys

as a duet.

It is such a beautiful song.

Does Stephanie sing?

Yes.

I love her voice.

Oh, I didn't know that.

She never sings an improv when we're doing improv.

In fact, if a song comes up, she'll bail.

She's a little weirdo, but she sang that night with Emily and Beth and everyone.

Ring of Keys is not a duet.

Oh, what I was going to say is it's the little girl version of Beth's character in the play.

Okay.

Who's like maybe 10, and she's in this store,

and then

this butchy woman walks in with a ring of keys on her belt loop and has lace-up boots.

And this little girl is like,

sees herself in this person.

And it's that moment of like, and the lines of the song are like, I know you.

Yeah.

Can you feel my heart saying hi?

It is the most beautiful song.

And Stephanie and I sang it to each other in our little love story in one Mississippi and then we're in Oai with Beth Malone.

That's cool.

Who didn't sing Ring of Keys but she sang Ring of Keys at the

performance this last weekend.

And Stephanie and I were just like, are you kidding me?

I mean, you have to see it.

It was a perfect weekend, man.

It really was.

It was so fun.

And

yeah, we just, we all had a wonderful time.

Oh, good.

I've loved Jesus Christ Superstar, the musical.

And I, have I already said this too, fortunately?

I don't think so, but you know that they're doing the Hollywood Bowl with Cynthia Revo.

Yeah, I got tickets, but

I feel like I've lost my mind because I went nuts.

It was late at night.

I saw it.

It's Adam Lambert as Judas, Cynthia Revo as

Jesus, and I

spent $2,000

on tickets.

Should we cut that out?

Is that really like...

Yo, people need to know.

I have made

myself.

People need to know.

Yes, people need to know.

I don't even have someone to go with.

I just was like, I need to be there and I need to be near the front.

I don't know why.

I don't think you're going to have a hard time getting somebody to go to that with you.

Do you think?

Do they have to reimburse you?

No.

The Hollywood Bowl is pretty magical, too.

Yeah,

really great experience.

I think I'm going to love it.

If you really want to see something, you work hard.

Go see it.

Am I trying to get my dad to come down to LA because he was in Jesus Christ Superstar?

That's a different kind of evening than I thought for you, but that's great too.

I mean, I think it'd be really bonding.

He's like, he played, he was the understudy for Pontius Pilate, and he also.

Is it Pontius or Pontius?

Or is it Pontius?

I thought it was Pontius Pilate.

Wait, isn't that Pontius?

Is it?

How do we always run into this problem?

It sounds like Pontius.

Pontius Pilate?

You're saying Pontius?

Pontius.

Pontius Pilate?

Oh, is it Pontius?

Now I don't know.

Thomas?

Thomas?

I can play the Google pronouncer of it.

Yeah.

Oh, God.

Pontius Pilate.

Oh, my God.

No.

One more time?

Pontius Pilate.

Still Pontius Pilate.

My God.

Pontius just makes me think of Pontius.

So then, has my dad been saying it wrong too?

Maybe this y'all's Canadian.

That's why you think it's Pontius.

Yeah,

when they're actually called Pontius.

I was like,

I was like, you know, they made me go to church all the time going up.

And she's like, I'm pretty sure it's Pontius.

Oh, there is a British pronunciation.

British pronunciation.

Oh, God.

Here we go.

Pontius Pilate.

Fucking.

It's still Pontius.

Pontius Pilate.

Can you run the Japanese pronunciation?

Ponscious.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

But I think that would be good

bonding.

That would be nice.

Because he always sings his line from the play was, Good Caia Fest, the council waits for you.

And he always sings in the kitchen while he's cooking.

It was like 40 years ago that he was in the musical.

That's his one line from the music.

That'll be a great show.

I think you're going to be a good one.

Oh, it's going to be great.

You'll have a ball.

I got to go to the Hollywood Bowl sometime this summer.

Yeah, I bet you will.

I sure will.

Yeah, listen to some music, dance around.

Yeah.

I know we have to get to our guests, but I want to tell you something.

Please.

I'm going at.

We're just holding hands for a minute.

We're going to really pull together because this is hard, what I'm about to say.

Feeling handsome right now.

I go to physical therapy at 7 in the morning.

Oh, fuck.

And I feel like I'm just like walking on air because

I find it so fun to be walking down the sidewalk at like 6.45 in the morning.

Really?

Oh, it's so exhilarating.

People are asleep.

Yeah.

And I go and I physical therapy.

working on my knee and my back and stuff.

And it's inspired me to get a personal trainer this week or this summer.

Yes, dude.

Yeah, who are you gonna get?

Who am I gonna get?

Who are you gonna get?

I don't know.

You want to be my personal trainer?

So I think you should get Elliot.

Yeah, he's amazing.

Yeah, but

your physical therapy is it like strengthening stuff or loosening stuff or what?

All sorts of things.

Strengthen it, loosen it up, strengthen it back up, pull it tight, let it go, cut it off.

Yeah, yeah.

Whatever it takes.

Yeah.

So, uh, I don't know, you know, I might be buff one day, it might surprise you.

I should do that too.

Maybe I'll get buff with you.

We'll catch up to May.

Just weights are the best, yeah.

But May can't tread water for an hour.

No way, are you kidding?

I am so

if you and I are treading for an hour, yeah, and we get buff,

oh, I'm foxed then.

Yeah, watch out, we're gonna log tie you, we're gonna have a handsome wrestling match.

Yeah, we will.

I'm Peter Sagal.

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And it never asks famous people about things they don't know anything about, except once in a while.

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That's R-A-K-U-T-E-N.

Racketon.com.

Pontius Pilot.

Yeah, it's Pontius.

Fuck.

Ponti.

That's all right.

We're learning.

Ponti.

The best thing about this podcast is that we all learn something new.

We really do.

Right?

We really do.

Yeah.

And then sometimes we learn things we don't want to know.

Learn things we don't want to know.

And sometimes we give information that's wrong.

Oh, a million percent.

A million percent.

Every now and then we do give some incorrect information.

Oh, God.

I went to get a coffee the other day, and the person told me to keep it handsome.

It's such a treat.

It's so good.

Yeah.

It's fun.

I was walking across the street in Ojai with my family, and this truck goes goes by, and I just hear this woman yell, Kevin Hansa!

And then I was also waiting for my family to come out of the ice cream shop.

So I was sitting alone on a bench, just going, I love a bench.

Yeah, and you love ice cream.

And I'm sitting there alone, just like looking at my ice cream.

Yeah.

And this woman walks by and she's like, I love your podcast.

I was like, thanks.

Our question asker today, I'm so excited.

I'm such a fan of hers.

I can tell your foot's flapping.

Look at my little foot starting.

I love this woman.

I love this boy.

She's hilarious.

She's a great actor.

You know her from Girls, from the movie Megan, and from Get Out.

And she has a new podcast out on Headgum, which is where our podcast is.

Wow.

So she'll be in here recording, I guess.

Oh my gosh, she'll be in the building.

That's awesome.

We'll have to say hi to her sometimes.

What's her name?

Well, her podcast is called Landlines.

Okay, what's her name?

Allison williams is asking today's question so fun

hello handsome podcast you handsome podcast you um it's allison williams i'm a huge fan of your show and of all three of you individually what are the odds it's a dream scenario i really hope that i get to like

hang with you in real life one of these days but yes please in the meantime i've been given the great honor and honestly burden but happy to shoulder it of asking you a question that no one has asked you yet that sparks sparks conversation and that I can also answer in a way that isn't boring.

What is the most banal superpower aka just

life skill that you wish you could download into your system automatically?

I'm not looking for anything

extraordinary or even

impressive necessarily.

It's just something that maybe a huge swath of the population can just already do and you cannot.

That is my question.

Yep.

Okay.

Great question.

Thank you, Austin Williams.

And we would also like to hang out with you as well.

Calm down, cowboy.

I think, did any, I feel like something popped into your mind because you really quickly were like, yep.

Yeah, well, I...

I don't know.

It's hard because I can technically carry a tune.

We've all seen it.

We've all seen it with Atlantis.

And the chicks.

But man, if I could sing like Kelly Clarkson,

right?

Like really.

Like, really, just

you're like hanging out with people and they're like, oh, there's like a Mike on stage and a karaoke is about to start.

That always happens.

You know how that happens in life.

And you just get up there and you sound like Kelly Clarkson.

Yeah.

Come on.

I feel like the thing that separates like amateur singers from

amateur?

Okay.

what are you saying?

Amateur, but amateur.

Amateur could be a British thing.

Can you not talk to people?

Like, how are they?

Amateur could be a British thing.

I just maybe read a lot of, read a lot.

I don't speak.

You speak like old language, like

amateur Pontius.

But like, you know how really amazing singers can do those, like, rolls, like a Whitney Houston or something?

Like a

like.

wait, you did it the other day with, uh,

like, but the voice is.

Yeah,

like a story did it.

Don't do that.

You said when you're hanging out with friends, there's a microphone.

Yeah.

That's what I just did.

I got the Kelly Clarkson.

Can you imagine just being able to like belt like that?

Yeah.

She's like next level.

I don't, I've never even heard Kelly go flat.

Right.

It's just unbelievable

hearing

as much as possible.

I'm always looking up her songs online.

And this is where I come in again and tell the story about AR, her bass player.

Yes,

you kissed.

I can't even pretend like he was my boyfriend, but we're friends now.

And but yeah, we had a little

thing for one another.

And he's Kelly's bassist.

Yeah.

Okay, so

I wouldn't mind if I could also, with that, play piano or guitar really well.

Right.

What are you doing, buddy?

Biggie's suddenly revved up.

It was from all the singing.

It's very George of the Jungle.

It feels like, yeah, I know Biggie is disturbing that noise that came out.

He's disturbed by that?

Yeah.

Well, I'm looking at his

b-hole.

Yeah.

So.

Okay, I think mine would be, and this would really improve my quality of life, is like just to be one of those people who's effortless in the kitchen, like who whips up a meal and then also it's suddenly cleaned up and tidy after.

Like it's like it never happened.

Like people are good at that.

I'm good at that.

Are you?

I am good at I'm not great at cooking.

I'm fine.

I can get things heated up and chopped and stuff and into your mouth.

But like I clean as I go.

I am that person that, I mean, when I make my smoothie in the morning,

there's no sign of it by the time I'm

really.

I just remember, I don't think either, my dad can whip stuff up fast.

He's a really good cook, but I remember it.

I remember it too.

Yeah, he whips up a puppet like nobody's business.

But when I was a kid and I'd go to people's houses and just their parents would be like, oh, you want an omelette?

And they'd, you know, and they cook it so fast.

Yeah, that's nice.

That's a nice skill to an omelette's kind of easy.

I guess you want it.

You just get the little flat egg situation, throw some stuff and flat eggs flip it over.

What's a flat egg situation?

Are you mean?

Like on a skillet?

You're using a skillet?

What do you use?

Pan?

Regular frying pan?

Sure, you can use that.

But I'm just saying, like, you throw in your ingredients or whatever, whether it's in the mix of the egg

or you put it in the middle.

Okay, but what if

you

flap it over?

I mean, what if I don't even eat eggs, but I did.

An asparagus omelette.

That's right.

No eggs for you.

Uh-uh.

So asparagus omelette, the asparagus has got to be cooked before it goes.

Unless you like a raw asparagus in your cooked egg.

I am impressed by people that can just go in the fridge and pull a bunch of crap out and make something amazing.

If I did that, you can I can pull a bunch of things out and make something

decent terrible to average.

Okay, well, that doesn't mean it's got to taste good.

Okay, but I have to say, there have been many times that Stephanie's like, wow,

like, wow, you heated up these things that were all not belonging together the first step for me would be having the ingredients and the things like if I did that now in my fridge I'd be like I got a protein bar a cheese string and an applesauce what can I omelette what can I make with this yeah scramble it up yeah

yeah so that's mine I think like effortless cooking think about how healthy I'd be like You seem pretty healthy to me.

We feel your muscles.

Okay, but I'm tired all the time.

You're thin, though.

But I'm eating probably a bunch of muscles.

Thank you.

Yeah.

But I want to be eating fresh, organic food that I'm cooking on myself.

Got that on lock.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

you eat so clean.

But I also, I have cookies and I have cake and I have chips and nobody's listening.

I'm sitting here saying celebrities are just like you.

You just got startled.

I think he just almost fell over, but he was already lying down.

He probably didn't realize he wasn't where he was.

Oh, yeah, you cut it up to May.

Okay, what would your superpower be?

But yeah, I want to make it clear.

Yeah.

Fortune.

What's up?

I still have vegan cake and cookies and things.

I know, I know.

And that's good.

You have to treat yourself, but you are

a very clean eater.

But I also love it.

People misunderstand and think that I'm doing this against my will.

Like I'm vegan or eating healthy.

And I'm like, I'm very.

It excites me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's great.

See, I want to have more of that.

Like,

uh, I want to crave the kind of foods you crave.

Well, I would love to make my smoothie for you.

I would love it.

Um, but also, I'll go out to eat with people and they're like, oh, is it okay if I order this or that?

And I'm like, I don't, just because I eat this way, I don't care.

You care about the police.

No,

no, about anybody, the way they eat.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Or, or exercise or don't exercise.

Like, that's not my thing.

I want to have a dinner party and just wait and do like three courses, but effortlessly.

But also, little cowboy,

for you to have a hot date with somebody who maybe spent the night for whatever reason and the same morning,

say, how do you like your eggs?

How do you like your eggs in the morning?

I like mama with asparagus fry.

And would you cook naked with an apron on?

Oh, yeah, I would actually.

I'd like that.

I feel more confident naked than in clothes.

Would you?

Yeah, I would.

Would you

wear a ruffly apron?

What's a ruffly?

Well, like ruffly.

Oh, ruffly.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Like an apron with some ruffles around the edges.

I think I have to draw the line somewhere.

I don't know.

I would maybe do it as like a fun role play if I was like, I'm going to femme it up.

Yeah.

You know?

High heels, high heels.

Naked with

white with a ruffly.

That would blow it on.

That would blow some of it.

I've before as like a kind of like

roll type

and then kick your high heel off.

Oh, God.

A light comes crashing down.

What I do.

So you're just walking around naked all the time?

Usually like in my underwear, but just like in general, it's when I put clothes on that I feel awkward.

Like they don't fit right and I feel like I don't know how to sit and stand.

That's why you need an apron and some heels.

That's all I need.

Some stilettos.

I was in Australia with Caroline Ray once once, and I asked if I could put on her high heels.

And she let me put them on, and I just was hauling ass down the side of her.

I see her high heels.

And wow, they're hard to walk in.

I'd like to see them.

Easy to run in.

Wow.

Caroline Ray cracks me up.

She is a silly, silly person.

She gave me a funny tag

for one of my sweet and salty special

when I was talking about coming out.

And

she said,

your hair knew you were gay before you did.

And I thought that was funny.

That's really good.

What would your superpower be?

Well, I mean, I'm a little jealous of yours and yours, but mainly yours because I.

You relate.

I just really

would love to have.

And maybe with the time off that I've had, I can utilize it to get better at cooking.

But

since I'm going to go with something different, even though I would love to have both of your superpowers,

I would love to garden.

Yeah.

I would love to be somebody that's just out snipping things and talking to you.

You know, and have an abundance of produce

come from it.

Like right now, talk to me about something and I have gardening gloves on.

Oh, do you see that movie Sinners?

Oh, no.

Huh?

Do you see that movie Sinners?

Oh, I didn't.

What are you doing there?

I'm just clipping some things.

You know the lingo.

Yeah.

I'm halfway there.

Vines, branches, and the things.

I used to, my grandma used to always say, I have to go and deadhead the flowers.

She'd deadhead them?

Like, you'd take the dead leaves off, and I'd go and be her buddy doing it, and we'd have a good chat.

Yeah.

Yeah, you have to cut, you have to trim them so that they can bloom.

Yeah.

Isn't that true of life?

Isn't it?

You got to shed in order to blossom.

To grow.

Shed to grow.

Should we hear what Allison has to say?

I would love to hear what Allison has to say.

I bet you would.

My answer to this question is that I would be able to nap.

This system does not power down midway through the day.

It needs like a lot of time to sort of like relax in order to go to sleep at night.

That already is very difficult.

But being able to

take a nap, to like shut this down midday for 45 minutes, an hour and a 15, like that's

that would fundamentally alter my life, and I have yet to figure out how to achieve that

with the limited tools that I've been given in this one in this life.

Anyway, thank you for having me, and I hope I get to see you all very soon.

Okay, I don't care what any of you say, I don't think she's ugly.

I just don't.

Her genetics are.

that out.

Cut that out.

The tansoms are flustered.

We can't objectify everybody.

I think that's the first time the three of us have had the same taste.

Did it get hot in here?

I'm really surprised you didn't say that for your answer, the sleep thing.

Well, after she said that, I was like, oh, there's another thing I want.

I would love.

I mean, I told you, I have a sleep coach right now.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Napping is hard for me.

I can't shut it down during the day.

My problem is, and I know it's going to be like, oh, classic May.

Classic May.

You're up making puppets all night.

When I lie down to have a nap.

I mean, during the day.

Then I get horny.

And then like.

Wait, wait, wait, one long time out.

You get horny when you go to take a nap?

Yeah, and then I'll think,

I'll be stressed that I can't power down my brain.

And I'll think, well, if I just get off, then I'll sleep.

And then I end up, that takes a while.

And it's time to get up again.

Plus, it takes away from all the puppet making.

Exactly, exactly.

Painting.

I've never heard of going to take a nap and it makes you horny.

I hope people listening can relate to this.

There's someone else.

Cancel on 800

horns.

Let us know.

Our handsome listeners, you must tell us if this is

any of you experience.

Yeah, because it's like an unusual time of day to be in bed.

You know, maybe you're even, yeah, I don't know.

And yeah.

And you're already half naked.

Yeah, exactly.

You're in your frilly aprons and glancing at your own body.

You're like, well, I'm positive.

Oh, it's like thinking, I want to be deeply relaxed.

And I'm in a bed.

And then, yeah, but it just takes too long.

And then

I got to get up.

Also, Thomas, I just hiccup burped let's keep that in keep that in yeah

it doesn't always take a long time no

no but honestly that would be another great superpower

what are we talking about

getting off getting off oh okay sorry for all those that would be another great superpower though to be able to just like when you're ready for it to happen you just go

I just want to garden

I mean and cut the thing I just want to cut

trim the things I just want to garden things.

Oh, my God.

With my little wrinkly finger.

I will say, if I sang like Kelly Clark said,

a lot of people would be horny.

And that would help them.

I have a friend whose girlfriend can sleep anywhere.

What?

Trying to make vegan smoothies, Jerry.

Garden us.

We

make a living doing this.

That's insane.

That's insanity.

What's wrong with us?

What is wrong with you?

What's wrong with specifically?

Teach us gardening.

I'm just gardening over here.

We're trying to make people horny.

Fortune Marie.

Fortune Marie.

That wasn't my intent to sound like Kelly Clarkson, but it would be a byproduct.

I told you all those lesbians went wild when she sang that song.

Oh, yeah.

Can you believe how old my hands look?

We're talking about grandma, Tig over here.

Oh, my gosh.

I saw this thing online

on Instagram.

I guess it's like whatever marketing towards me.

Yeah.

Speaking of old hands.

And it's this product.

I don't mean to laugh because I'm sure it's very helpful and I probably could use it because I do, you know, trip sometimes and break a femur, but end up on a cane.

It's like a vest.

that can sense if you're falling.

I've seen this.

And it pops up like it suddenly inflates.

Yeah, it inflates and catches your body.

I think you should get.

I told Stephanie about it, and she goes, first date.

Because we always joke about just awkward moments or whatever.

Like you forget to tell people that you have an inflatable vest on, and you trip, and all of a sudden you're like on the ground,

like with an airbag wrapped around you.

Anyway,

not a bad idea.

Yeah, but that was a really great question.

Like to get like just something so

what seems like nothing.

Yeah.

Sleeping, cooking, singing.

Yeah.

What was the other thing?

This friend of mine.

Gardening.

Gardening thing.

This friend of mine who's his girlfriend can sleep anywhere be having like a dinner party or something.

And then she'll go and just lie on the couch and have a quick nap while everyone's still chatting.

And then she's up, she's back.

Wow.

I wish I could do that.

Boom.

There's something nice about napping in a room where other people are, you feel like a little kid on the sofa.

You can hear the talk.

You can hear the chatting in the background.

Yeah, it's nice.

I really

when Max and Finn were babies, and I was in the writer's room for One Mississippi and so tired.

Like, I know people talk about how tired they are, but I mean, really, you're up every hour feeding these little beaks, you know?

Yeah.

And then I'd have to be in the writer's room, and then

I would close my eyes.

You know, when you're so deliriously tired, have I told this story before?

No,

it's a good one.

Gather around,

but I would sit there in the room with all the writers.

Thomas was there too, he was our writer's assistant.

And I would, I was so delirious, I'd be like, I'll just close my eyes and nobody because two people would be talking.

Yeah, and I'd think, okay, they're engaged, everyone's gonna be looking at them.

So I'll just close my eyes.

Stephanie would nudge me, and I'd be like,

oh my God.

Yeah.

But tired.

Well, it'd be nice if like in preschool there's nap time and everybody rolls out their little mat and you get your little blanket.

They should do that in writers' rooms.

Well, you know in Spain they have siestas after lunch.

So there it happens.

There it happens.

There it happens.

There it happens.

There it happens.

Well, um,

it's too busy getting horny.

So

no naps for you.

No.

No.

All right.

Anyway, well, that was a glorious episode.

It really was.

Oh, you know who sleeps anywhere, though.

And who's asleep now?

Biggie.

If he's in his bag, in the car, asleep right away.

Like a baby.

Watch your mouth.

You watch your finger.

Watch your mouth

here.

He's full of life.

I know.

Aren't we all?

What a treat, you guys.

Okay.

It's a pleasure being in the room with you guys.

I know.

Oh, really?

As always.

I love the gay energy that's happening in here.

Yeah.

We all came in just giddy as all get out.

Yeah.

It's fun.

It's fun.

We all fall asleep.

Fun.

It's fun.

Oh, you guys.

What a delight.

Anyone have anything coming up?

I have

Las Vegas at the Palazzo Theater, June 14th, and Lexington, Kentucky, Knoxville, Tennessee, Asheville, North Carolina, Lincoln, California, Edmonton, San Antonio, Houston, D.C., Atlanta, Boston, Chicago, FortuneFeamster.com for tickets.

What do you got, May?

I have tonight, June 10th.

Wow.

I am in San Francisco playing music.

I'm going to play my whole album.

Please come.

Oh, fun.

Don't remember the venue, but it'll be on maymartinmusic.com.

Oh, that must be your website.

That's my website.

Also, May 12th, I'm in Portland.

And May 13th, I'm in Vancouver at the Vogue Theater.

And that one I would love to sell out.

If you're in Vancouver, I haven't been there since I filmed my stand-up special there at that theater.

And come say hi.

Oh, and

my series, Fubar, season two, will premiere June 12th.

June 13th, I'll be in Los Angeles at Largo.

And then June 14th, I think this is about almost sold out, but the Eureka Springs Arkansas show.

June 21st, I'll be at Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles.

That's all you really need to know.

I'm just at tignotaro.com.

That's my website.

Awesome, you guys.

And if you just want to buy a book, I have a book that I wrote years ago.

What's it called?

It's called I'm Just a Person, which is true.

It is true.

Yeah, I am just a person.

Well, I imagine that that book is amazing now.

Yeah, it's really good.

It is one of the best books I think ever written.

Read and read,

written.

Redden.

No,

it's an old book, but I just thought I'd plug it just randomly.

Why not, right?

Yeah.

Get my old book.

New York Times bestseller.

These old hands wrote it.

These old hands

wrote it.

But man, was this a pleasure?

What a pleasure.

Oh, and if you like this show, subscribe.

It's so important to subscribe.

And it's so important to give us comments and feedback.

And tell your friends, send this episode.

Subscribe to YouTube and our audio channel.

But share your favorite episode.

Share this one.

Yeah.

Always with a friend.

Hang out your summer merch.

You know, we have those amazing muscle shirts

for your muscles.

Yeah, and they're very popular in summertime and at Pride's.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

You can wear it to Eureka Springs.

Yeah.

We got those Pride belt bags too.

Fanny packs, some people call them.

Yeah.

Well, until time keep it handsome

handsome is hosted by me may martin tig no taro and fortune femster the show is produced recorded and edited by thomas willette email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod

what a what a podcast

what a podcast

That was a head gun podcast.

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