Pretty Little Episode #42

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Welcome.

You go ahead, May.

Tell them who you are.

Well, I'm May Martin.

And I am Tignotaro.

And we are the host

today

of a pretty little episode.

Of this gorgeous little bite-size app.

Yes, and what people don't know is the scrambling that was going on before we started.

I'm flustered.

We've had tech problems.

I don't know what's going on, but as long as you can hear me.

I would say you had tech problems.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's infuriating.

Like, I wish we were doing this through, like, a tin can microphone with a string.

It'd be more reliable.

I mean, we kind of are at this point because your mic broke.

My mic broke.

Yeah.

I was using it last night.

I recorded a little song.

Wow.

Well, I guess you rocked it out a little too hard.

Yeah, I blew it.

Blew it.

I was scrambling too.

As you know, Max and Finn are in the middle of a massive baseball tournament.

Oh, my God.

I mean,

I hate to be the cliche parent that is like, it's baseball all the time, but it is baseball.

It's

all the time.

Do these games like dominate the topic of conversation in the house?

Oh, my, it's, yes.

And then the Dodgers are on the TV and then they're out throwing the ball to each other.

And then they go to practice and they're on the rec league.

They're on the travel team.

They're on the all-star team.

So there's like so many different teams and practices.

And

yeah.

And then their grandfather is a coach on one of the teams.

So it's very, very

crazy.

I can't believe there's an all-star team.

Is that like all the MVPs from the different teams?

You know, I'm not the person to ask.

I

just today yelled, hit a grand slam.

I don't know who it was, Finn or Max up to bat.

And Stephanie turned and said, I'm surprised you even know what that means.

Do you know what that means?

And I said, I actually heard somebody say what that means today, which means the bases are loaded.

And if he hit, like, I guess if he hit it,

then everybody runs home.

That's the dream.

I was standing yesterday.

I was at the park.

You know, the games are going on.

I was standing right at the fence watching.

And this dad came up to me and he said, Hey, Tig, is it is it the fourth?

And I said,

Oh,

I don't know what's going on.

I don't know at all what's going on, even though I'm there all the time.

Right.

I still, to this second, don't know if he must have meant the fourth inning.

I wouldn't, I would have been like, It's May 24th.

So, uh, but this was yesterday, so he didn't mean May 24th.

But

who knows when this will air, right?

But

so, yeah, I just know when people hit the ball i know when people catch the ball i know when they're running i know

roughly when the game starts and when it ends i just can't relate to the feeling of like they must of them being excited to go and play a sport like when i was a kid and had soccer practice or whatever i would just dread it till the moment i got there like putting my knee pads on or whatever chin shin guards yep shin guards knee pads all that they love it they love getting all dressed up and yeah they love it and you know all their little friends are there some from school some that they've made through the leagues and uh or league and um

yeah they just they have a blast but it's it's it's pretty

it's just non-stop

non-stop but when baseball season ends it becomes basketball season and then it never ends it it doesn't it does not end um stephanie said there's three months in the year when there's no baseball going on, and that is completely dominated by basketball.

Right, right, right.

Yeah.

I played soccer, and I was very into it.

I was excited to put my knee pads on, and my shin guards, and my cleats.

I loved getting new cleats.

And I remember getting a new pair of cleats, and my mother telling me, Don't wear these on the cement because it will wear the whatever

spikes down.

So

I was wearing my cleats after getting the new pair.

I was so excited, playing in my yard.

And then I wanted to go to my friend's house.

So guess who crawled across the street?

On all fours?

Yes.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

Because if you know me well, you know that one of my favorite childhood books was,

wow, what is her name?

Do I know me well?

Amelia Bedelia, who took things very literally.

And I think I must have clearly related to that because I took things, and I still do.

I take things very literally.

Right.

Like if someone says, hop in the shower, you're hopping.

Yeah, a little bunny appears.

But yeah, I took it so literally and seriously, and I crawled across the street.

So dangerous, to be honest.

I know.

I know.

Oh, so anyway, so that was that was my scrambly day.

Well, I've been scrambling too.

I woke up, I had a massage

at like nothing.

Not so scrambly, by the way.

Yeah, kind of the opposite.

But I had to rush there at like 9.30 in the morning.

Then I went to this place.

Why did you have to rush?

Because I woke up too late.

You know me.

And then I went to this place, the Pixel Rooms in Echo Park, that you've got to take Max and Finn.

It's like

fun games and activities.

And there's a room where it all lights up.

And then you play the floor is lava you have to avoid the red and you have to step on the blue and the green and it's it's such a workout it's so fun and this is with kids as well well there was a birthday party there of 20 kids but I had my private time in the room with not by myself that'd be bleak but with

my friend Joe and oh old Joe old Joe and

sweating and so this is for adults or children yeah and it's one of the only activities I've done that is truly fun for both like they also also have a laser maze there where you have to, you know, not touch the lasers, but it's super fun.

And there's like a soundtrack that someone's designed for the laser maze.

It's like, laser maze.

I would listen to it.

If I had it on Spotify, I'd be grooving.

And what is this place called?

Pixel Rooms.

Pixel Rooms.

Okay.

I don't work for them.

This is not an ad, but I've been so many times that the guy, I'm on a first-name basis.

The guy's like, I'll just text you if there's a new game.

It's hilarious.

And so,

yeah, Max and Finn watched The Floor is Lava.

I haven't seen them watch it probably in the past year, maybe, but they play it in their rooms.

You know, I'll hear them playing The Floor is Lava.

Perfect.

Yeah, they love this.

Yeah.

Okay, this is good to know.

Yeah.

Wow.

Well,

should we

get a question from our listeners?

I'd love to.

One of our listeners?

One of our lovely, wonderful, handsome, pretty little listeners?

Yes, please.

Hello, handsomes.

My name is Anna.

I'm calling you, not calling you, recording from Seattle, Washington.

And I love the show and all three of you.

And

the only one I haven't seen live is May, and I have to fix that.

Anyway, my question for you is:

just went to a baseball game with my son and thinking about walk-on music.

So if you were in a sport or some event where there was walk-on music for you, what would your walk-on song be

wow so timely is that the work of our producer mr thomas that was remarkable yeah also i love her energy isn't it crazy you can tell someone's energy right away from yeah i'm just like what a fun person she also sounds southern oh really yeah i would like for her to get in touch and let me know if i'm right do you have um stand-up walk-on music well i guess if it's your if you're touring or something you choose your walk-on on.

Yeah, or sometimes I'll just walk out.

Sometimes I like to surprise the audience and then just appear.

Yeah.

Because

a lot of times I don't have an opener because I want to use the whole hour and a half to kind of

fumble around with material.

So you wander out when the lights are still up.

Or not when the lights are up, but like when, you know,

people are kind of waiting, the lights go down and there's some cheering, and

they're anticipating a voice or something or an introduction.

And I'll just walk out and then they can add it up.

It's me.

I like that.

But

when I was performing in Canada over the past, you know, whenever I was there filming Star Trek,

they started bringing me up on stage to some hilariously

bad meaning not at all right for me, like gangster rap.

No, it was more like

I've got

like, I got the power, or something like that.

Or, you know, I've got the power!

Yeah, something like that.

I don't even know if that was the song, but um, it was something like that.

And at first, I was like, oh, that's not quite right.

And then I thought, oh, that's really funny, actually, to start my show out

with that kind of energy.

And then I just come out like Eeyore.

Yeah, hi.

Hello.

I've gone out before for a while I was going out to One Direction Steal My Girl because it's so upbeat and joyful.

But the lyrics are about being 16 and being in love with a 16 year old girl.

So it doesn't really work because they were teens when they wrote it.

Yeah.

But what else?

It'd be good to go out to like Queen, We Will Rock You or something.

Sure.

And then really milk it, like let it play while you're standing there, get the whole audience going

to tell jokes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then walk off when the song's done.

It would be good to go out to like the uh

like a theme song, like a really, like the friends' theme song, or a really well-known existing theme song, or like the um I was telling Max and Finn they should go out to jingle bells, yeah, something incongruous.

Yeah,

well, they, uh, a mother, another mother on the team put together a playlist of everyone's walk-on songs.

Oh, nice.

Yeah.

And

yeah, Max and Finn, of course, walk out to Eminem and Kendrick Lamar.

They do?

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

I would love to see that.

Yeah, it's pretty cute.

Should we hear Anna's answer?

We should.

Mine would be

I Got The by Labby See Fray.

And I don't know which part of it because it's a song that's got kind of multiple parts.

I got the.

But yeah, that's my answer.

Love the show.

Thank you so much for taking my question.

Bye.

God, music's good, isn't it?

Yeah, music is good.

I don't think I mentioned my walk-on, did I?

You said oh, oh, I got the power, but that's not my walk-on.

But

you know, it's good.

I've walked on to Start Me Up by the Stones.

Oh, yeah, great choice.

Yeah, yeah.

Thank you, Anna.

Yes, Anna.

That was wonderful.

And what else we got, Mr.

Thomas?

Hello, handsome pod.

This is Charlie from Fesha in the UK.

And my question to the three of you is: what is

the biggest fail that you've made while you've been traveling?

What have you done that's made you feel a little bit silly at the moment, but you can laugh about now?

I'm like giggling at Charlie, it's hilarious.

It sounds like she's about to laugh so hard.

I know.

Yeah, she has some real joyful energy.

Was she asking a travel fail?

Yeah, a travel fail.

I can think of a lot of yours.

You've like lost luggage.

You've broken femurs.

Well, I didn't break a femur.

I fractured my wrist and then I ended up on crutches

because somebody cut me off with their gigantic suitcase.

But

I have a good travel fail.

Again, lost luggage.

I was in Ireland.

I'm in Ireland.

I've lost my luggage.

I have to stand in this long line

to talk to somebody at the counter, fill out information.

And I finally get up there.

And now there's a line behind me, of course.

Yeah.

And I'm talking to the woman and she's going through all these different questions and then she says,

Arya Farti

and I said,

excuse me.

And she said, Aria Farty.

And I was like,

I was so stunned and I was also mortified because there's an entire line of people waiting behind me.

And

I was like, On what planet are you asking me this question?

And she's like, Aria Farti.

And I'm thinking, okay, well, I was on a long flight.

I mean, who knows what's happened?

And it turned out she's asking my age.

Also, what?

Because filling out, I have no idea.

I have no idea.

Something to do with the paperwork.

But I, of course, didn't hear it that way.

And I was just like,

I really did not know how to answer this woman.

I was like, no, you're not 30.

And I'm like,

no, it was such an embarrassing misunderstanding.

are you farty is the best are you farty oh my god sure I don't know I've been asleep for hours I just landed I yeah I just want my luggage why are you asking me this

um

that's pretty good did you get did you get the luggage I hate how we say I lost my luggage that they lost your luggage yeah they lost they lost luggage that's a good point thank you for taking that off my plate yeah don't carry that with you that's not your burden No.

Mine,

I can only think of my parents' travel fail, but I was in the car.

I was four and my brother was eight.

And I remember it vividly that we were on this trip through Europe and we were driving.

And the big debate was, should we pull over and get a hotel or are we going to make it to get the ferry from Brindisi to Corfu?

And my mom was like, we should stop.

Wait, where were you?

What are these places?

We were in Italy and we were going to take a ferry to Greece.

Oh, okay.

And driving through the night, two small kids in the back, like, and my mom's just like, James, let's stop.

Let's just get a room somewhere.

And he's like, nope, we're going to make it.

We're going to make it.

And as we arrived, we see the ferry like pulling away.

And

the tension in the vehicle, like, I remember it to this day.

And I don't think they spoke.

We ended up sleeping in the car.

for like six hours and then getting like the first morning ferry and they did not speak to each other on the ferry either.

They were, my mom was so mad, but I'll remember it forever.

My poor dad, like, I mean, also he should have stopped, but.

Now, was there an actual altercation between the two or did they go immediately into silence?

Immediate silence.

Complete silence, but apoplectic rage in the car, but like not a word spoken and just me and my brother wide-eyed knowing that something fucked up has happened.

And you didn't know it was the fairy.

No, we knew.

We knew.

oh okay oh

my gosh that is hilarious yeah i bet if i bet if i brought it up they would still it would still be a sore point yeah yeah yeah

that's great oh wait should we hear uh charlie's answer we should i bet charlie's gonna be giggling

And my answer to that question is,

oh, seven years ago, I was backpacking around Europe and saw on the map, oh, Vienna.

I thought, oh, people speak highly of that.

Well, that city, I'll go visit it.

So I hopped on my little train with my backpack, ended up in Vienna.

I was there for a few hours and I thought, where are all these canals that people talk about?

And what I had done, ladies, gentlemen, boys, girls, and everything in between, is confuse Vienna with Venice.

I was not in the right country, was I?

Fairly silly.

Oh, Charlie.

Oh, Charlie.

Classic, Charlie.

If we know Charlie and we do, I mean, what else would you expect, right?

But with that attitude, how could anything ever really be wrong for long?

Because you're just like, well, I got my backpack.

I jumped back in the train and I head back to Venice.

My friend, my childhood friend, Shannon, was, this was before this.

Before 9-11 when things were way more laxed.

Yeah.

And she was

overseas and she had gotten on a flight and she drank too much,

fell asleep, something like that, and woke up.

She had a layover, and she was supposed to get off and she slept through the layover on the plane.

Oh, no, and woke up as the flight was taking off to another country.

Oh, man, and she said she was running up the aisle to the front of the plane while it's like,

anyway.

Have you ever heard

that Molly Shannon story?

It's in her autobiography and she was telling it on

talk shows for a while, but that, yeah, back when things were lax enough, she and her friend, they were 11 years old, just walked onto a flight.

And they said, they went to the airport for this purpose, and we're like, we're going to go to New York.

And then they just said, oh, yeah, our parents are on the plane.

And the woman is like, oh, okay, fine.

And then they just got on the plane.

They went to New York and they had like $10 with them.

And then they called her dad, I think from a payphone and we're like, we're freaking out.

And I think he was like,

I can't remember, but it's a great story.

But wow.

Very home alone.

Wow.

Yeah.

That is fascinating.

Those are the days.

Yeah.

All right.

Well, that was not just fun, but quick, man.

That just

scooted away.

Keep sending in your

questions, please.

We love hearing them.

Yes, we do.

Go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod

and leave your cues.

That's an abbreviation for question, I think.

Oh, I was going to say, I don't know what that is.

And yeah, do you have anything coming up, Tig, that you want to plug?

I sure do.

June 13th, I'll be at Largo in Los Angeles.

June 14th, I'll be at Eureka Springs Pride, but

I think that's basically sold out.

June 21st, Dynasty Typewriter in Los Angeles.

August 17th, get this.

Westampton Beach, New York.

Whoa.

I have two shows: August 23rd in Provincetown, Massachusetts.

The first show is sold out.

I think there are some tickets left for the second show.

The things I really want is for people to come to these three big music shows I'm doing.

June 10th in San Francisco, June 12th in Portland, and June 13th in Vancouver.

If you go to maymartinmusic.com, I'll tell some stories, but mainly I'm going to be playing music and doing meet and greets, and I'd love to see you.

Tell your friends about handsome.

Share episodes, rate, review, subscribe also to YouTube because you get to see Biggie.

You get to see Fortune's Gams.

You get to see May's face.

Okay.

Okay, that's a sale right there.

And then you also get to see me counting this list of things you get to see, right?

Yeah, exactly.

Okay, and then what?

Until next time,

keep it

pretty

handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feemster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Woulette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at HandsomePod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.