Jonathan Van Ness asks about trading places

This is a head gum podcast.

Cheers!

Good afternoon, and welcome to an episode of the Handsome Pod.

Thanks for joining us.

As always, I'm Mae Martin, joined by Fortune Feemster.

And I am your dear, dear friend, Tignotaro.

And we are all here.

We are the handsome headquarters individually.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Do not mistake this for a pretty little episode because we are all three here.

That's right.

Yeah.

That's right.

A handsome headquarters is a spiritual place, really, rather than a physical place.

You know, we've all stepped into the handsome portal right now when we heard the theme song.

And there's no bears in the portal.

Portal.

Portal.

We ain't got no bears in this portal.

No,

we don't.

Are our souls connected right now?

Do we feel?

Do you feel it?

Do we feel the connection?

I do.

Yeah.

Yeah, it does.

That's pretty sexy.

I bet you in the future they're going to prove that

that's a thing.

Not us specifically.

They're going to do a big study on it.

There are scientists working on this right now to see if the handsome souls are in in fact connected.

Entwined.

Yeah.

Except when we get into our huge fights.

Oh, God.

You would not want to see those.

You would not get me started.

Dude, throw punches.

Oh, yes.

Don't you dare.

Oh, yeah.

Fortune.

And it brings back terrible memories to see your finger wag like that.

Don't

dare.

But we'll do that.

But I still feel like even even when we're like wrestling and biting each other, because we will, we'll like bite each other's cheeks and pull each other's hair.

Yeah, all bets are off.

Kick each other in the knees.

I still feel like our souls are connected for sure.

Yeah, we're the most connected then, actually.

We're most connected.

Yeah.

We're biting each other's cheeks.

Yeah.

We're animals.

Of the flesh.

Yeah.

Get it out of our systems.

We need that purge, and then we're back on track.

Did you guys ever get in tumbles like that?

With you had brother, a brother, you had brother.

You had brother, I had two.

We would have to.

Yeah, man, you have a brother.

You have one brother, right?

Yeah, I have brother.

We have

brother.

Yeah, we all have brother.

Man, we would get into brawls.

Oh, really?

They gave me some thick skin because, boy,

that people have asked what I have a little, I don't think think you can see it.

There's a little fingernail like

indention.

Is that the word?

The fingernail still in there?

In my forehead right here.

When the sun hits it a certain way, you can see the mark, but it's my brother's fingernail that went into my forehead when we were kids.

What was happening?

Was it ever finding out you like, don't punch it?

Oh.

We would punch.

Really?

And what would prompt it?

Like, what would set you off?

Whatever fights kids get into.

Did you ever, to protect yourself put a bonnet on i my mom put a bonnet on me it was not by my choice but did it keep your beatings at bay no

no i would think that would insist you see my easter photo yeah

what of me did you see the photo i put up at uh at easter of me in a bonnet yeah on instagram yeah i don't think i did i even called you out saying you were gonna be jealous look at that.

If you're on YouTube, you can see it or go on Instagram.

It's Fortune looking like a little angel wearing a bonnet.

Fortune, imagine someone starting to fight with that person.

Yeah.

Beating that bonnet.

I didn't get beat up around that age.

It was more when I got to be like 10 or something.

Yeah, yeah.

Would you ever instigate?

Would you start?

Oh, yeah.

Really?

Come on.

I would stick my middle finger up at my brother and be like, mom,

price gave me the bird.

She'd be like, Price, and I would be like,

second.

And then he'd be like, Whoa, bam,

the fingernail coming to the forehead.

Um, now, speaking of brothers, my brother texted me while we were on,

and he said, You have made it.

You made it.

He said, and this looks like it's from the Simpsons.

I

it says, But it says Vig Notaro.

Oh my gosh.

Wow, that's awesome.

But what is it?

It looks like

it's like a Vegas type of ad.

It looks like a billboard.

A sports stadium there.

Like you're one of the performers.

But if they're using Oprah, see, if you're on YouTube, you can see they've used Oprah's real name, but they turned mine into Vig Notaro.

I guess I'm going to have funny, though.

They thought you were gonna sue or something.

You, I know.

It's not even me,

but it is to be featured on The Simpsons.

That's massive.

I would frankly.

I was like, I did do a voice on The Simpsons, and that was the greatest day of my life.

Oh, you did do a voice?

Yeah.

What did you do?

I played

the girlfriend of Marge's sister.

The girlfriend of Marge's sister.

And they described me as like a female homer.

Oh, my God.

It was pretty cool.

Marja's sister.

That's the twins, right?

Auntie Paul.

Yeah, it was one of the twins.

I can't remember the name, one of the twins.

So they have like out gay.

Yeah, out gay character.

Maybe that's why I haven't been back.

We're like, we'll just have the lesbian in one episode.

That's iconic, though.

I went on a

in the episode, they go to Costa Rica

and she brings her lesbian girlfriend, me, who is

just like Homer.

Oh my God.

Do you say dope?

I think they had me, it's been a minute, but I think it was like real southern.

Like,

I think it was even more southern than I usually am.

Wow.

You didn't have to drop your voice to know what's going on.

No, I think it was like kind of like

a southern sort of thing.

Yeah.

Wow.

And did they draw the character to look like you?

Or

I think they put like a little bit of care like you record first

and then they kind then they they give you sort of an idea of what the character's gonna look like and then they might do some stuff around your m the mouth maybe.

I can't remember exactly.

And then you go back in

and try to like match that if they have like some tweaks on lines, you try to like match it

with the mouth that they've already drawn.

I think that The Simpsons probably influenced like global sense of humor more than many other shows.

Because it was one of the first shows that did those hard cuts to the payoff of the joke, you know what I mean?

Like, where it's like, well, that would never happen, and then hard cut to that thing happening.

Yeah, like it, yeah.

And they predicted like a ton of stuff.

They've been around so long that I think they like would make these like wild predictions, and then so many things have come true.

Yeah, like examples.

Trumping presents.

I knew you were going to ask.

I don't have examples, but they're just always posting, like, predicted this, predicted that.

Yeah.

They predicted Oprah's Sportsbook Club.

And you changing your name to Vig.

Vig Notaro.

Vig.

And so, because it's animation, they must have made this a long time ago, right?

No, they still do animation.

I know, but doesn't it take a long time to make animation?

Also, look at the picture picture of me or whoever this Vig Notaro is.

Is that me?

The Joker.

Yeah.

I can't tell if I have a mustache or a Joker mouth.

It's like a Howard Stern

Joker.

I know.

I was going to say, I need to ask my brother or if Thomas, you want to do some Simpson Googling?

Oh, here.

Okay.

Thomas just wrote: After a baseball superstar decides to play for Springfield, Isotope Stadium is soon cluttered with garish ads for betting apps apps such as Bookie Monster, Carrot Tops Prop Bets, and perhaps most cleverly, Vig Notara.

Wait, so you and Carrot Top?

Sports Bookie.

Oh, a Vig is the cut you give a bookie.

That's what that means, I guess.

Oh, so is it not me?

I don't understand.

I mean, it's a playoff of your name.

Uh-huh.

But it's

Vig is...

Thomas is saying the cut you give a bookie.

So they're doing a playoff of your name and that.

Okay.

I'm saying that you have like a betting app, and then Thomas, where did you get this information other than Google?

Like, what is this?

I don't even understand.

This is a recap of the episode from crack.com.

Oh, okay.

And did this episode just come out?

Is that why it looks like it just came out this season?

Of course, my brother's still watching The Simpsons.

God, I used to draw Bart Simpson when I was like in sixth grade.

Oh, really?

One of the things you could draw that you were.

Yeah, that's how you do it.

Did you walk around in a shirt that said don't have a cow man?

No, but there were plenty.

A lot of people at my school did or that, you know, don't eat my shorts.

Eat my shorts.

Yeah.

What a sweet gig that has been for those actors.

I know, right?

How are you guys doing otherwise?

You're wearing a beautiful pink hoodie there, Fortune.

What does it say?

Crushing it.

Oh, yeah.

I just grabbed a hoodie.

It's my special from my

own merch.

You can't.

Check out Frost.

merch it's my special crushing it i just grabbed it from my closet and didn't realize how pronounced these words were crushing it i just like pink i'm a did you guys know that pink's one of my favorite colors yeah i think i did know that and i respect it a lot thank you i like pink i like yeah it's sort of in my special i wore you know a pink suit so

this merch was a nod to that do you guys want to know a fact

of course that's why we're here.

Scientists have just discovered that the color purple does not exist.

Our brains have just.

Excuse me.

I started joking.

No, the color itself, our brains have invented that color.

Don't ask me any follow-up questions, but how fucked up is that?

Some people would say that's their favorite color.

And they're all on the same page.

I don't know.

Making it up.

Blue and something else, right?

It's supposed to be blue and red, but Thomas, could you Google it?

I'm glad Prince wasn't allowed around to hear this.

Okay, purple is a color that falls between blue and red on the color spectrum.

Yeah, we know that.

It's a mix of the two primary colors, red and blue.

Yeah, we know that.

Yeah, we know that.

Purple is not a spectral color, meaning it's not a color that can be found in the rainbow or directly emitted by a light source.

Instead, it's a color that the brain creates when it receives information from both red and blue wavelengths simultaneously.

I am

speechless.

That's freaking wild.

I'm speechless that you call it simultaneously.

Wait, what would you say?

Simultaneously.

Simultaneously.

Yeah.

What do you say, Fortune?

Simultaneously?

Really?

Yeah.

Little cowboy says similar.

I'd say, if it was a Y, I'd say Simon.

Uh-huh.

Okay.

How do you call somebody named Simon?

Simmons?

Simon.

Oh, you got me there.

Okay.

Yeah, you got me.

Yeah, Simon.

Wait, Thomas, you say simultaneously?

Well, and he has a brother named Simon.

Simmon.

Simultaneously.

Wait, what?

So this isn't even a Canadian thing?

How have you never heard this?

How have you been correct to me before?

I don't know.

Simultaneously.

Here's another word that I feel like I heard Fortune say the same way I do.

And whenever I say it this way, people lose their minds.

How do you pronounce, oh, and I don't know if I can spell it.

M-I-S-C-H-E-V-I-O-U-S.

Mischievous?

Yeah.

How do you say the word?

Mischievous.

Yeah.

Or Thomas, how do you say?

Mischievous.

I say mischievous.

Hey, that's a good drag name, mischievous.

Mischievous.

It sure is.

Or mischievous

as well.

Mischievous.

And introducing simultaneous.

Yeah.

Only recently in my adult life have people been saying mischievous.

Why are you what?

Huh?

When you're a kid, you don't really say the word because you are the word.

Like, you're not going around going, I'm so mischievous.

But when you're an adult, you say, look at that.

Mischievous.

I don't know.

I stand by mischievous.

I stand by simultaneous.

What did I say first?

I forgot.

You said mischievous.

Okay.

There you go.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Is it?

Maybe it's a southern thing.

Yeah.

I don't know.

Yeah, maybe.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

We're exhausted.

Oh, I know.

I'm always so scared.

We're going to go.

Yeah.

I have.

I kind of have too.

Yeah.

I'm done.

I'm done.

This is it.

Well, it's been a good run.

It's been a good run.

It really has.

Run.

What kind of music are you guys into?

No, I want to say thank you so much to everyone who listened to Handsome.

Oh, it's so sad.

It's so sad.

That would be sad.

Would you cry?

No.

Oh, my God.

How cold.

You would cry?

Yeah.

Yeah, I would.

No, you would.

Yes, I would.

I think I would think I was okay with it.

And then

when the time came to say goodbye, I'd be like...

Did you have a day?

not like the whole day.

Sobbing in bed for a day.

But Tig, aren't you?

You're working your way through friends, right?

So

that final episode of Friends.

I feel like you're working your way through actual people.

No, no.

But that final episode, they are crying for real, and it is a heartbreaker.

Don't ruin it for Tig.

What is

the very last Friends episode?

Yeah, they're like the characters are crying, but you can tell the actors are also crying.

It's their final scene.

It really gets me every time, and I do revisit it.

Really?

Well, they spent a lot of time together.

That was the days of 24 episodes, right?

Yeah.

And what are they doing?

10 years or 10?

11 years?

Yeah.

That's a lot of time with people.

And a lot of money.

And that too.

Yeah.

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I want to do more live shows.

Yeah, me too.

That'd be fun.

Yeah.

Really want to do more live shows.

Yeah, and I want to do more in person as well.

We just, it's hard to get together.

It's hard to get together.

Oh, in person in the studio together.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's been hard because

we've had a lot going on, a lot of work, a lot of personal stuff.

And so

as soon as we can be back in the studio together or do more live shows, man, will that be great.

I'd like to also introduce some new segments like

Secrets and Lies or something.

Not that, but like, or like truth, truth and lie.

Two truths and a lie.

Like two truths and a lie or something.

Just introduce it.

Two against one.

Yeah, a little intrigue.

Yeah.

Why don't we get started?

Okay, welcome to Secrets and Lies.

I'm going to say

one truth and one lie, and then you say

what is true, okay?

Where's the secret?

The secret is actually the prize, I'm going to tell you a secret.

Ooh.

I don't know.

I haven't thought this through.

You're going to tell everyone the secret?

Because the segment's called secrets are like breaking out in hives.

I'm freaking out now.

I'm freaking out.

I haven't thought this out.

I knew the game is just a truth and a lie.

Yeah, let's go to truth and a lie.

Okay.

Yeah, because you called it secrets and lies, and then

it, then you, I don't know, I got lost.

And then did you see May freak out as soon as they were like, and then I'll tell you a secret.

Oh, God.

My neck got really red.

Okay, let's hear a secret and a lie.

Or no, a truth and a lie.

No, we got rid of this.

I mean, yeah, right.

Oh, boy, this game is.

I know.

This is probably why we should think about this stuff before, but we'll just figure it out as we go.

Whatever.

We're here.

Let's Let's hear truth and a lie, man.

Been queer, okay?

Truth and a lie.

One of these is true, one of them is a lie.

Yeah.

Number one,

fuck emotion.

You seem like you were had it on lock ready to go.

I know, I know.

Okay.

Number one, I saw Cher eating breakfast in a hotel lobby.

Okay.

Number two, I was in an elevator with Tom Cruise and he sneezed.

The second was a lie.

Absolutely.

Because you're right, because obviously the first thing I would have told you guys when we started this podcast was...

You would never stop talking about

the shirt I was wearing.

Yeah.

You would never stop talking about

back up.

Nobody would have let you in an elevator with Tom Cruise.

Yeah, you're right.

There would be a point.

Yeah.

Guarding it.

His crew would have been so on it.

They're not going to let a little cowboy in there, especially if he's got the sniffles.

Yeah, you're right.

I was in an elevator once in Australia with Caroline Kennedy.

Oh, yeah.

And her suggestion

guard.

Rise up lights.

Rise up lines.

Were they eyeing you?

They had their, they were looking around.

One time I went with my friend to a, here's something I haven't.

told you guys.

I went with my friend to...

It's a secret.

Yeah, to like a little petting zoo in Australia.

And we snuck.

What's with Australia?

Well, that's what made me think of it.

A lot of fans out there.

Oh, by the way, Tony Colette, your friend, ripped on my Australian accent on the handsome page.

She did, yeah.

What did she say?

Tony Collette commented.

She was like,

she wrote, that's the worst Australian accent I've ever heard, or something like that.

Something funny like that.

But if she were to say it, she would have said.

That's the worst Australian accent I've ever

Oh my God.

Did people take her joke seriously?

And she was a little bit of a colour.

Well, I calmly get on it and people laughed.

I think people liked it, yeah.

Okay.

So one time I went to this petting zoo in Australia with my friend, and we wanted to get near.

We were in Australia.

This was

just outside of Sydney.

Yeah, right down under.

Yeah.

And we wanted to get close to the goats.

And so we actually climbed over a fence.

It was this rainy day.

And uh, we went and were petting these goats.

And then later on, we were in like the sort of entrance area.

And one of the women who worked there said,

Are you having a nice day?

And we were like, Yeah.

And then she goes, Um, I heard there were two sus young boys trying to touch the goats.

She was describing me and him as sus young boys.

He was in his 40s, and I was myself.

Two sus young boys.

Yeah,

wow, that's great.

I love that you were

climbing a fence to try to get to the goats.

Wait, aren't we going to hear a truth and a lie from Fortune?

Oh, gosh.

I don't even know.

Do you have one in the barrel?

Yes.

I didn't get a cell phone

until I

was 33.

Okay.

And

I

don't like the smell of incense.

Both of those could be true.

33.

I'm just trying to do the.

I'm trying to remember.

It was around, what, 2002, 2003, people were getting phones,

cell phones.

I'm going to say that the, I'm going to say the first one's a lie.

And you're saying the second one's a lie, Fortune?

The first one is a lie.

Wow, yeah.

You got it at what, 31?

No, I was 29

when I got a cell phone.

I think

my first cell phone was my senior year of college,

but I don't know why I got one.

No one else had one.

Really?

You were the first?

Yeah.

And you had no one to call?

No one, except my mom at like landline.

I don't know why I got one.

one and i didn't have that much money so it was so oh my god when cell phones first came out remember it was like you're paying for minutes and it's like i gotta go click yeah oh yeah yeah for sure i ran i i went over my minutes oh yeah i know it's expensive if you went over your minutes i had a beeper

um

i did

when i was kind of sophomore and junior in college I got a beeper because I was an RA.

What's RA?

The resident assistant of a dorm.

So like you were kind of in charge of a hall.

Of course you were.

That's a

fully formed character in my head.

You got a beeper, you're an RA, you're fortune.

Well, because what I would do is

you

some of those people probably listen to this, so this is funny, but for me.

But you're supposed to, as an R, a part of your job was you had to like, once a week, you couldn't leave your room all night.

And then one week in a month, you couldn't leave campus because you were like in charge.

So, I would write on you had like little boards that you could write on, you know.

I would write like doing rounds, which because you were supposed to like go around campus and check on things.

Here's my beeper number if you need me.

And I would like go to IHOP with my friends

and like do whatever.

So, if I got a the thing, I would just go to the payphone and call and be like, I'm by the cafeteria.

What's up?

Crazily.

Is this a role you volunteered for?

And then no, you got paid.

Oh, what?

What kind of cash?

What are we talking about?

Meaning friends' money?

Minimum wage back then.

I wouldn't do it, obviously, all the time, but occasionally.

What, like five bucks an hour?

Yeah, something like that.

And you

got your own room.

You didn't have to have a roommate.

That was worth it.

Oh, that's worth it.

That's a thing.

So I did it for two years, but yeah.

I'm like, here's my beeper.

Let me know.

Then I got a cell phone, but I wasn't an RA anymore.

When I moved to Spain, everyone had a cell phone there.

Everyone.

So they caught on over there first, and everyone and their mother texted

because it was way cheaper than calling.

And I just remember telling my friends back home, like, everyone has a cell phone here and they text.

And they're like, they what?

And I'm like, text.

They like.

They had no, it was like such a foreign thing to us.

I remember the first time I got a text.

I was just minding my own business at my house in Venice, California, and my phone popped up with a message on it.

And

I was so spooked.

And I didn't know.

You went straight to bed.

I was so confused and spooked.

I was like, what is happening with my phone?

And it was coming from a friend, but I didn't know how they got a message written on my phone.

It was very alarming.

Take me back.

Should we get a

question, see who our question asker is today?

100.

Today's question asker is an Emmy-winning TV and podcast host, comedian, hairstylist, and a New York Times best-selling author, best known as one of the co-hosts of Queer Eye on Netflix.

Their latest book is a young adult novel titled, Let Them Stare.

Jonathan jonathan van ness is asking today's question it's criminal we haven't had jvn on before i can't believe jvn this they're the perfect guest and we're all known for our hair

right

right guys are we yeah are we all known for our hair mine's called the tig wig

okay yeah

hi handsome it's jonathan van ness and my question is

if you could switch places with anyone oh my god i haven't shaken out my curls yet so nice curls on a photo shoot don't mind me if you could switch places with anybody who would you switch with in one of those look at those those curls were just poppin' popping curls wow i want what do you think your curls would do that fortune

well jonathan has it much more hair than me right those long luscious locks um i if i had somebody do it they probably i could probably get the like little house on the prairie or like a Shirley Temple.

Yes, yes, yes, please.

Yeah, you have to like scrunch my hair and diffuse it to get the real tight curls.

Yeah.

Oh, man.

That's a great question, though.

What a ray of sunshine in the world, too, Jonathan Dendless.

Yeah, I remember that first season of Queer Eye that we were all kind of introduced to.

JVN and just being like, who is this charismatic, amazing person?

I know my auntie.

I'm gymnastics, too.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

With those curls bopping around.

Yeah, that's amazing.

Wow.

That would be hard.

Like balance beams and stuff like that.

Yeah.

If we could switch places with anyone.

Yeah, May has an answer.

Okay.

Harry Styles.

And I'll tell you why.

Just for a day.

Because

having like tried to play music on stage with a band and stuff, I just, the way he moves his body effortlessly and is so handsome and sings so well.

I didn't even know until I heard this question that I'm what a fan of Harry Styles I am, but it turns out I am.

And yeah, and I would just love to be in a big stadium playing those songs and like

moving like that and seeing all the signs and

how fun that would feel.

Yeah.

Seems fine.

I didn't even see that accent.

I didn't even see that parallel.

Cool tattoos.

And

yeah, like I don't know how to move move my body when I'm playing the guitar.

Like, I just stand like a statue at the mic.

Oh, yeah.

Harry's got some moves.

I mean, yes.

He's out there with that, you know, those tight pants and that big butterfly tattoo and his little vest.

Yep.

Just making everyone go wild.

I want to show some skin like that so confident, you know?

Yeah, he does seem very comfortable in his own skin and just like he is who he is.

And

that's that.

Yeah.

I like him too.

Me too.

He's got a mustache right now.

I love a mustache.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Love him.

You might like that too.

Thomas, don't ever shave that thing off.

Don't ever change, Thomas.

Who would you switch places with?

This is a different way in, I think, to the question, but I would

switch places.

And are we talking about really switching places?

Like Harry Styles would be you?

Or do you just get to be Harry Styles for a day?

I wouldn't think.

Would Harry Styles be doing the handsep pod with us?

I did not even think about that.

Oh my God.

Oh my God.

Yeah.

Like Freaky Friday style.

Yeah.

He's like interesting points.

I just did an Australian accent for Harry.

Interesting point.

Let me tell you about my story.

How do you do it?

I think there's some Australians that would

beg to differ that you did an Australian British Harry Styles accent.

Harry's got kind of,

it's like part American now, but Harry.

I really, I love singing.

I love new.

I'm doing like the Beatles, kind of, but I don't know.

Okay.

Wait, what's your different way in, Tech?

Well, you know, I think

I have had,

as time has gone on, I've had more and more questions for my mother.

And so I have wanted, I would say I'd want to switch places with my mother so I could get to know her better and get some answers about her and myself and her life

that I could take away because,

you know, I remember hearing somebody say, you know, you should interview your parents or loved ones while you still can.

And I wish I had been able to interview my mother.

So instead of that, I would like to be her for a day.

And would you choose a particular time in her life?

I think

in her older years, just because I would, I would have a lot of questions.

And also, if she switched places with me, she could meet Stephanie and Max and Finn.

Aw, that's really nice.

That's so sweet.

Yeah, it's true.

I just,

I wish she could have met them.

But anyway, so yeah, I think that I would switch places with her to

get to know her in a way that I just

can't.

Yeah, like see what it feels like to be her moving through the world and

gain the information about her that I just didn't know or think of, you know, when she was alive, you know?

Yeah, in this version, when you, when you become her, you

have access to all her memories and everything and brain.

That's cool.

I like that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I wonder how long we're switching places.

I think one day.

One day.

Okay.

Are you going to choose Biggie?

Oh, that would be the simplest day ever.

You'd have a penis, though.

Ew.

You'd have not only a penis, but a dog penis.

There'd be hair all over it.

A little lipstick.

I think it'd be scary to be a dog because, like, you're at the mercy of everyone else.

Yeah.

That wouldn't give me too much anxiety, though.

He's over here just living his best life.

You also have to just be okay with who adopted you.

That's the other weird thing.

You have to hope they're good to you.

I mean, he's got a pretty cush life.

That's true about life anyway, though.

Between the two of us, he's, I mean, we spoil him rotten.

Yeah.

Well, that's a really good one.

I like that tig.

Well, thank you.

I don't want to switch places with my grandmother, but I would like her to answer if she was a lesbian.

Uh-huh.

I can answer that for her.

Because I could say this because I did that, um, you know, that Tyler Henry medium show.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And he said that like someone in my lineage was gay

and that me being out and proud was like

that they felt like proud that like I'm like living the life they couldn't.

And I'm like, was that my grandma?

I think you should switch places with Tyler Henry and then you can talk to

me.

So stressful.

You can talk to all our people.

I don't need to get a notepad.

I like Oda May Brown on Ghost.

It's too much.

I'd be like, Ghost.

Remember, she'd be like, leave me alone.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Leave me alone.

Leave me alone.

I'm trying to just, I'm just trying to make money.

Get out of here.

Yeah.

I would like to

switch places with him.

He seems exhausted after those readings.

I know.

I saw in that reality show he made, but he would sometimes, after he's doing all those readings, he'd just go to bed, lie in bed for a while.

I don't believe it because all these people are trying to get in, telling stuff, and it's heavy, you know, everyone's crying.

Yeah, I don't want to switch places with him, but I appreciate what he does.

But yeah, I would like to ask my grandma that, but I don't want to, I don't think she'd have enough fun for me to switch for the day.

I want to go big, like someone whose life is wild, like an Oprah.

Mick Jagger.

That's a wild.

I met Mick Jagger.

When?

Did I tell you that?

A couple months ago.

What?

At a party.

I was like, it was after the Oscars.

I was like, you were funny.

He goes, hey, thank you.

I can't do the accent.

No, you can't.

But, you know,

and nor can you do the face.

No, that was a crazy Mick Jagger.

But, you know, he's like.

I met Keith Richards.

I I can't believe this.

Wait, why did you say he was funny?

He presented at the Oscars and he was funny.

Okay, and he was funny.

And he was like, Yeah, so we had like a fun little moment.

He was like, right on, like, laughed, and it was like, I can't believe I just talked to McJagger.

That's crazy.

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, if you could do like, but what about like someone today living today to switch to?

He is living today.

Oh, no, sorry.

I know.

Yeah.

Yeah.

He is talking to his ghost.

He's in his 80s and he still runs around the stage like he's Harry Styles.

He's rocking hard.

I don't know.

She's got like a chef and she's in Montecito.

And like, then you could just zoom all your famous friends all day and then like donate a bunch of money to charity.

And like, I could just make a world of good, a difference in a day.

Oh, you just donate all her money.

She gets back in her body and she's

donate a bunch of money to people, have dinner with someone famous.

I don't know.

Yeah.

And Zoom people.

Just go through her phone and just start FaceTiming people.

Yeah, that would be good.

FaceTime people.

Have her chef make something amazing.

Check in on Gail.

Gail's in space.

She's like, I gotta call you, baby.

Yeah.

And

you probably, and Oprah probably knows a lot of like secrets.

And

she does.

And I'd find out everyone's secrets.

Everyone tells Oprah everything.

Yeah, you try to go.

That would be so juicy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I think I would be into that.

That's a really good answer.

Yeah, I think we all had good ones.

Should we hear what old JVN has to say?

Yes, please.

Better not be my mother.

And my answer is: Stormy, Kylie's daughter.

That Birkin collection is next level.

And she, I mean, it seems like everyone in their family has to get a job somehow, but I bet Kylie wouldn't make her if she didn't want to.

I just, I would love for Kylie to be my mom and have so many Birkins and for like Chris to be my grandma and have like so many fun cousins

and just be like three or four again.

So I feel like she's probably having so much fun.

Okay, that's what I would say.

Love you guys.

Bye.

I will say i have watched uh the kardashian show on hulu oh and those those kids are living the life for sure to be a rich four-year-old is actually the best idea ever just bossing people around yeah

are they bossing people around no i was saying they could but um chris jenner does seem like a really fun grandma Yeah, she just like rents sprinter vans and takes them on hayrides and there's like treats everywhere.

I mean, I can see the appeal of this life.

I could do that for you.

I could rent a Sprinter van and get treats and take you on a hayride.

Okay.

Yeah, and I could be your grandmother.

Come on, dish.

Put it on the list, Thomas.

I'm going to take Fortune on a hayride in a Sprinter van.

Please.

But what were they saying about Merkins?

Birkins.

Oh, okay.

That makes

more sense.

A Merkin is

quite different.

You want to explain it to our listeners?

A Mirkin's like a fake pube wig.

I thought that was weird.

I thought that was weird.

Why she got a bunch of that?

Does Stormy for Real have Mirkins?

Because, you know, those are like 10 to like 10,000 minimum.

And that's rare.

What are they?

Birkins?

Birkins are Hermes bags, like very high-end, very difficult to buy.

You have to get invited to look even look at them well i'm not shocked that that stormy's got access to those i'll be honest i've never heard of stormy but uh it's fun to hear about uh yes kylie jenner's kid with i believe travis scott yeah and is is she like people talk about stormy i think the kardashian jenner folks are talked about in pop culture often incessantly well it they're they're kind of like like pop culture royalty and like stormy is i guess the heir to that the heir to the throne and you know kylie

kylie's like a gazillionaire her her makeup line is like worth a billion dollars why aren't we and saying that to tig as if tig's gonna go yeah i knew that

i mean so stormy is also the heir to a a large fortune.

God, I hope my lip taint company takes off.

You do need to get that lip taint going.

Yeah.

I met Kim, or not Kim,

the mom.

Chris.

Chris.

Chris.

Yeah.

Years ago at Heather McDonald's house.

Oh, yeah.

I find her really sexy, Chris Chenner.

Go for it.

She's actually really very nice and personable.

I've met her a couple of times, and she's always been...

They're fascinating.

Yeah, I find them really likable on the show.

I met her when she was with Bruce.

I mean,

but I I guess Caitlin was Bruce at that point.

Yeah, at that time, Bruce.

Yeah.

And

were they nice to you?

Yeah, very.

There was a joke on Sarah Silverman, I think, at one point about me looking like Bruce Jenner.

And then when I met

them

and shared that, there I was in the arms of Bruce Jenner.

That's very funny.

Yeah.

I wouldn't mind being JVN for a day, to be honest, to have that level of, I mean, I'm sure they don't have that level of energy in all the time, but

um, man, what a nice vibe.

What do you suppose the energy is the other times?

Well, I'm just thinking about myself, and when I'm alone in my house, sometimes my face just melts into like nothing, and I'm just sitting down.

Would y'all want to be a three- or four-year-old for a day again?

Or

I remember when I first got my double mastectomy, I was hanging out with my

friend, my very closest friend at the time.

And we were just like,

when I say we were rolling around in bed, it wasn't romantic.

But he and I were just like hanging out, lying in bed, laughing so hard.

And I had like a.

a tight t-shirt on.

And it was the first time like after my surgery had healed.

And I was just like in this really clear

it was just clearly a better place than I had been in a long time and I felt eight years old and you know just having no boobs a t-shirt on and laughing with my best friend until we were crying and it was like the first sign of hope in 2012 for me

you know um so that when i think i i never have felt like oh i want to be a kid or oh i i don't have an issue with growing older.

But when I think about that one little moment in time, I'm like, ah,

that, that took me back to

fun about that.

It would be fun, but also like to actually be four, but it would so depend on the, on the environment and people you're around because you're such a little helpless little nugget.

You got like

four years old going to Disney for the first time with some kind adult would be great.

But four years old, you know.

I don't have the best memory back then, like, especially when I was like little, little,

I had like little pieces of things, especially like around like the age four or five.

Do you guys have good memories of that time in your life?

I feel like I have a lot of memories.

Yeah, like really?

It's a real mixed bag of good memories.

I may barely remember.

Yeah, not necessarily all good, but I have a lot.

Like, I remember it.

I remember it.

I remember it happened.

Yeah.

I know for sure.

I went through it.

Yeah.

And we didn't.

And we don't have, I don't have like a ton of pictures.

You know, we didn't have video cameras were not as prevalent.

I wish I had like video footage of me more as a kid.

Same, actually.

I have none.

Yeah.

This conspiracy theorists

are going to think maybe Fortune's AI.

Like there's no, like if you're like, I don't have any record of myself before a robot.

Yeah, it turns out.

Yeah.

Most of my childhood photos, my mother had been in a car accident and broke like every bone in her body.

And so she couldn't raise her arm very high.

And when she would take a picture, it would,

it like,

like her arm would jerk down.

And it would just, I would always tease her because

my childhood was just like a picture with my foot in the corner.

Like I was just running by and she missed me.

My mom would always cut.

at least one or two people out of the photo without fail.

And usually it was the person you wanted to take a picture with.

Oh, that's she, right?

If like you met someone famous or something, she would like inevitably accidentally cut them out.

And why would she, what was she doing with scissors?

And the like what?

No, like when she's taking the picture.

Oh, I thought you meant like after it was developed.

Oh, no, when Stanley was taking it, you know, there was a roll of film back then, and you didn't need to see what you were taking.

No sign that whatever happened.

And we'd be so excited and get the pictures back.

We're like, mom!

It's just Nikki Mouse's one big ear.

Yeah.

She's like, I told you I'm bad at this.

Well, when you switch places with your mom, you can, for that day, take so many photos with a proper arm.

Yes, indeed.

No, Tig will have the battle.

No, but

will Tig have the consciousness of like, let me try to lift my shoulder up more?

Oh, maybe.

Yeah, you'll prop it up on.

on, yeah.

Well, um,

I have to be honest, that was a good time.

I gotta be real with you guys, that was a great time.

Oh, my gosh, did you enjoy yourself?

Biggie's on camera, fully naked.

He just asked if I planned to switch places with him because he wanted to know if he'll be doing this podcast with Harry Styles.

Oh, my God.

And my mother,

he's definitely a fan.

Tig's mother,

it's my mother, Harry Styles.

And who is yours, Fortune?

Oprah.

Oprah.

Thank God, I would subscribe so fast.

Yeah, Kevin.

I hope Oprah gives some of our fans a car.

Me too.

Hi, Biggie.

Look at that precious face.

He's sweet.

Does anyone have anything going on coming up?

I got these three tour shows doing playing my album, I'm a TV and some new songs as well and telling stories in Portland and San Francisco and Vancouver around June 10th, 12th and 13th.

But check out MaymartinMusic.com for tickets.

And I'm at Largo as well once a month doing new material with guests.

So check that out.

June 14th, Eureka Springs, Arkansas.

P-Town on August 23rd.

And other than that, check out the documentary that I produced called Come See Me in the Good Light.

It's making its rounds at festivals and killing it real hard.

Go to tignotaro.com for all my show information.

I'm working out material at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter, and all the information is right there online.

Fortune, what's going on with you?

June 5th, I'm at St.

Louis, Missouri.

Then I have Kansas City, Missouri, Wichita, Kansas, Vegas, Lexington, Knoxville, Asheville.

Then we added some fun new ones like in Houston and DC, Chicago, Boston.

You can go to Fortunefeamster.com for those tickets and come hear me talk about some biscuits.

And then, well,

a bunch of you guys, we posted on our Instagram asking where you guys wanted us to come to a live show at some point.

And we got a crazy amount of comments.

So we'll have to look into that and put that on the books at some point.

We want to come see you.

Man, I love our live shows.

I love them so much.

I want to keep doing them.

And again, share your favorite episodes with people that have never listened to the podcast, friends, family, neighbors, coworkers, and help build the handsome community.

Stay tuned for more segments.

Listen to one idea.

Yeah, May's going to come up with some amazing segments.

Yeah, I'm going to come up with something better.

Over 2,300 comments of people telling us where to go.

There's There's not even that many towns and cities in the world.

No.

All right.

Well, until next time, shall we

keep it handsome?

Keep it handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.