Pretty Little Episode #37

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Oh, Fortune Marie, is that you that I see across from me?

Tigger.

I'm the poet.

It sure is.

Welcome to our pretty little episode.

Yes, welcome, welcome.

It's good to see you, my friend.

I am feeling extra gay today.

You're looking extra gay today.

As I said, it looks like you're coming out party.

Looks like I just got off the baseball field.

Did you not?

No, I just recorded radio, but I was doing your thing, treading water.

And

had to go right into my radio and have it showered.

So hence the house.

So you're full of chlorine?

Yeah.

Are you somebody that goes to sleep with your body covered in chlorine?

I'll rinse off.

Okay.

But I am a morning shower gal.

Okay, so whatever happens during the day, you're like, whatevs.

I'm going to bed.

I'm taking this to the bed.

Yeah.

Wow.

Because I need the shower in the morning to wake me up.

Mm-hmm.

You're a night shower person?

I'm just kind of a whenever it feels right.

Like I showered right before I got on today.

Yeah.

Tell us more.

Well, that was it.

That was the end.

With your loofah?

Uh-huh.

My loofah.

And,

you know, shaved my

goatee.

Yeah.

No, I shower at different times.

I, you know, I mean, do you really care?

I think your listeners do.

I'll tell you what I don't do is I do not tread water and then spend the day with chlorine body and then go night night.

Yeah, it does have a smell to it.

Well, it also, it's gross.

It's not like the grossest.

Okay, what's grosser than having chlorine on you?

I don't know.

Dirt, like dirt.

C.

C.

C.

C.

C.

Can we acknowledge that we just got back from our

handsome tour?

Yeah, we had

awesome shows in Nashville and Austin.

How did you enjoy them?

Oh, my lord, I really enjoyed them.

Yeah, yeah.

Our live shows are just

life-affirming to me.

It's pretty incredible, right?

Yeah, yeah.

It's not like I don't enjoy doing our audio recordings, but there is something about being in front of those live audiences that is just magical.

It's really magical.

And it's so different from doing stand-up because, I mean, if you've seen our

After Midnight episode, it's that kind of vibe where we can go rogue.

And if anybody tells me you can go rogue, man, there is no turning back for me.

Right.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So did you have a good time?

I had a great time.

The passion for the podcast is

still a year and a half in really mind-blowing to me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's pretty great.

And it's always surprising.

It's like I was telling Stephanie after we dropped Max Infinite School this morning that it's always fun to find out who listens to it.

Because of course I'm not lying in bed thinking, oh, I wonder who from my past is listening to this show.

But our mutual friend Jamie Babbitt,

the writer, director, I think she's more a director or producer, but she

texted me in fortune saying she heard us talk about her on the rate on the podcast yeah and she was like um

yeah i did set up a dinner for you two to meet each other because i thought you'd be friends and i was right as i sit here listening to you on your podcast and then i was like oh god how funny jamie babbitt listens to us you know do you have those moments where

somebody is like oh yeah you were saying that on handsome i'm like you listen to this show.

Yeah.

Or like, I'll go on different talk shows or whatnot.

And the producers are like, we all listen.

And I'm like, whoa, it's so cool.

Yeah.

And I'm always thinking, God, what have I shared on here?

I know.

And you have shared a lot.

I really have revealed way too much.

I know.

I have those moments as well.

But yeah, it was just so fun.

And then it was fun to be back in,

I mean, I so enjoy Nashville, but it was also so fun to be back in Austin, where I think I mentioned I lived there for just a blip in time.

But it's some place that I return to like once or twice a year because I have family and do my,

you know, stand-up shows and whatever.

But it just feels really good.

And it's also nice.

Stephanie and Max and Finn love Austin, so it just feels like a version of coming home.

Even though it's not quite.

Right.

Yeah.

A very familiar place.

I love that.

But it's definitely not

a handsome show is definitely not something that I invite my family to because they don't listen to the show and I think it would be confusing.

Inside baseball things.

I think they would just be like, what the hell is this?

Well, one of my friends, I had a good friend come and she brought another friend who I don't think listens to the pod and she had said she had a great time.

Oh, okay.

Well, my aunt and uncle are like 83.

They definitely were not going to be into this.

But

I wondered, actually,

does my family know I'm here for handsome?

Because I had been there two weeks before for the human rights campaign.

Right.

I was in Austin for that.

And so I told them I was there for that.

But then I didn't tell them I was back.

Do you ever struggle with that of like who you tell you're in town and when?

yeah, I usually don't tell anyone, but they see my tour schedule.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And it's always I caught up with a lot of friends this past weekend, which is great.

But there are when I'm in the thick of the tour, like

six months, it's so hard to get find that extra energy.

I know.

I was in Houston

before Austin, clearing out my parents,

doing the final sweep of their storage space and shutting that down.

And I had two days off off in Houston.

And I was like, you know what?

I'm going to reach out to some old friends.

And then I'm just like, oh my God, I can't get up and do anything.

Yeah.

And I just, I saw an old friend who I'd known.

You met her backstage at Handsome.

Yeah.

She's who I spent my whole Texas trip with.

But I have the good intentions to see

people.

But yeah, it gets so hard.

Well, it's a lot of energy output on a tour.

Yeah.

And traveling.

So, you know, do you get people going, oh, you think you're too good for me now?

That has happened.

Yeah.

Oh, really?

And what?

It's been a minute.

It's been a minute, but earlier days, yeah.

And is that what you felt?

Was I am too good for these people?

No, it's just

each of my tours are 150 shows in 100 cities.

Yeah.

And that's not even my full-time job.

Right.

Right.

So

it's just a lot of output.

No doubt.

Especially for you, man.

A lot of output from Fortune Feemster.

That's right.

Yeah.

But it's all good stuff.

I'm glad we did it.

For sure.

It was

really, really fun.

Should we check in with listeners and see if anybody has a question for us?

Yes, Queen.

How dare you.

Hey, handsomes.

I'm Natalie.

I'm a pretty little lady from Vermont.

Oh.

Hey, I'm Lily.

I'm from Athens, Georgia.

Oh.

And we go to school together.

We go to Mount Holyoke.

It's in Western Mass.

We think you should come visit.

There's lots of handsomes here.

Nice.

Thomas, will you please put down the list?

And our question is

something weird that creeps or grosses you out.

Clearly, chlorine on a body

for tig.

Yeah, yeah.

That

I already answered that.

Were they not listening?

It can be

anything that grosses you out.

I mean, this is like more of a thing, but spiders, I hate spiders so much.

They gross me out.

So you don't pick them up like me with your marriage.

I'm all like, that's when I turn into a dainty lady.

A pretty little lady.

Pretty little dainty lady.

They are, I'm not into them.

None of them don't like them.

When I was touring in Australia, our tour.

Oh, are we talking about Australia again?

Yeah, down under.

He showed me a Huntsman spider that was at his house.

And I'm telling you, like the size of a bat, like basketball.

And I would die if I saw that.

And they're just like, yeah, look at that.

Look at that big spider.

We're just going to leave it up there.

So, wait, where was it?

Where

it was?

In his doorway.

Oh.

Look up.

Next time

you have a free minute on Google, look up Huntsman Spider and be prepared to so it's like in the doorway just hanging out and so what if it has to relieve itself

how does that happen?

I didn't dig into the ins and outs of

that right okay it I'm looking at it now.

It's they're ginormous.

It's y'all you don't even know.

I probably wouldn't mess with that, but I do have to say I really enjoy making Stephanie squeal.

I can't see that.

I'll have to look it up.

I cannot.

But that was for the YouTube folk.

If you'd like to see the size of the,

I was going to say the podcast.

Of the spider, head on over to YouTube, but I couldn't see it.

Apparently

they're friendly, but that doesn't matter to me.

Like they shake hands all eight legs.

They kind of do their thing.

They leave you be.

But I don't want that.

I don't want that.

I dated somebody that had a spider in a web.

And I lived with her briefly,

like 20-something years ago here in L.A.

And

in our closet, there was a large spider, not that, I'm sure not that big, but probably the size of the palm of my hand

in

a spider web, just chilling.

And she did not want it to be bothered.

So we just kind of got our clothing and I followed the spider rule.

But I do, I enjoy making Stephanie squeal because I'll pick up spiders with my bare hand and throw it out.

And Max and Finn are very,

they think it's cool.

And they love seeing Stephanie squeal.

But

what creeps me out?

Grosses me out.

You know what?

I am not great with blood.

Oh, yeah.

I am somebody that will basically pass out if I see blood.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So

I'm not great in medical emergencies.

Oh, Jimmy.

Yeah.

I am not great at medical emergencies if there is blood.

Yeah.

I don't have a thing with blood.

Really?

You can just like

deal.

I get lightheaded.

I get faint.

Interesting.

Yeah.

Cannot do it.

I always say if there was a murder, I didn't do it.

I can promise you I did not do it.

You're like, I promise.

Yeah.

I hate blood.

Yeah.

Should we hear their answer?

Yeah.

And my answer is baby corns.

I don't know why they've always creeped me out.

They're very flimsy.

I think they kind of look like witch fingers.

And my friends will text me when there's baby corns in the dining hall and say, watch out.

There's baby corns today.

My answer is bouncy houses.

They don't bounce.

I just, I really don't like them.

Thanks, guys.

Love the pot.

And keep it pretty handsome.

Yeah.

Oh, my gosh.

Those questions could not wait.

Could they?

So funny.

Have you seen those cans of baby corn

and it's called corn holes?

Oh, I didn't know they were called cornholes.

Oh, no, baby corn holes.

Okay.

I've seen cans of them, but I didn't know that's what it was called.

Yeah, some cans will say baby cornholes.

We'll keep them away from them.

Uh-huh.

I love that a bounce house creeps throughout.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just because it doesn't bounce.

I've seen those

bounce houses blow away on YouTube.

Wait, why are you calling them bounce houses?

Aren't they bouncy houses?

Bouncy houses?

Yeah, a bounce house.

Whatever.

Well, I'm curious.

Do you call them bounce house?

A bounce house?

Bouncy house.

I think either works, no, for sure.

But I've just never heard bounce house.

Well, I don't mean to get all, you know,

what ofs.

I don't mean to get what ofs.

Yeah, but I just know them as bouncy house.

I'll keep it in mind.

Okay, thanks.

Should we move on to another question before Fortune and I really get into a bad argument?

Yes.

Hi, Tig,

May, and Fortune.

This is Izzy coming to you from up here in Alaska.

And my question for you is, what are your top three favorite nuts to eat?

Ooh.

Wow.

An Alaska gal.

I love Alaska.

I do too.

And I love nuts.

I haven't been in a long time, but it was, I went on a cruise to Alaska and it was a highlight.

With your mother?

No, this was with the friends family back in the day.

All right.

Time of my life.

Do you enjoy nuts?

I do.

I can name my favorite nuts.

Let's hear it.

Number one,

cashews.

Nut, that's your number one.

Is cashews?

For nuts?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Wow.

Okay.

Number two, this is a good old peanut.

Cashews over a peanut.

For sure.

Wow.

All right.

And then number three would be

pine nut.

Pine nut.

Do you like a pine nut raw or cooked?

I like it

a little seared.

Yep.

On a salad?

Oof.

Oof.

Sear it a little bit and then put it on top of a salad.

Love that.

Heck yes.

I follow,

not perfectly, but I follow a

diet called the How Not to Die Diet.

Oh, yeah.

But one of the things that

this diet recommends is one handful of mixed nuts per day.

Really?

Yep.

And the nuts that I have, well, I guess I'm supposed to say the top three of my favorites.

I would say probably

peanuts would be my number one.

Okay.

And then pistachios.

Those are high up for me as well.

Pistachios.

Oh, yeah.

God, they're good.

Yeah.

And then I would say probably after that,

walnuts.

Okay.

Are you into cashews?

I do.

I like cashews, but I'm not.

I'm not the top three.

I was about to say I don't go nuts over them.

But

in my daily,

you know, you're not supposed to, this diet says you don't have more than a

palm, a handful of peanuts or of mixed nuts a day.

But I have

pecan, walnut, cashew,

pistachio, a nice mix of things.

I love it.

Yeah, I love you too.

Should we hear Izzy's answer?

My top three are almonds, pistachios, and cashews in that order.

Thank you.

We didn't think about almonds.

I know.

Almonds are

in my daily mix as well.

Yeah.

Excellent question.

Excellent.

Izzy.

Yeah.

I wonder if Izzy drinks Izzy's.

We'll never know.

No, I bet we could know.

I bet we'll hear from Izzy.

My son Max loves them.

Oh, really?

I haven't had him.

Let's get another question.

All right, let's do it.

Hi, handsome pod.

My name is Baylin.

I live in Maine.

And I'm a huge fan of the three of you.

And your pods are a highlight of my week.

Every week, I'm always laughing.

And I think you all are hilarious.

My question for you is: Do you have something in your life you felt kind of silly buying, or maybe it was a gift and you thought it was just like kind of ridiculous, but now you're obsessed with it and you're really into it?

I'm like looking around, like, what do I have in here?

I have to say,

you know what?

I got a fanny pack, and I had a little bit of a feeling of like, Am I really getting a fanny pack?

And I really wore it in a fanny pack way of like

on the back of my fanny.

And then I'd wear it in the front.

And then I was like, all right, I'll do the cooler thing of

across the shoulder.

But man, now cannot live without a fanny pack.

Really?

Yeah.

A lot of people make fun of fanny packs.

No, we have a handsome fanny pack, you know?

I do know.

But I'm not going to wear a handsome fanny pack.

I would go through the airport with our sweatpants on all the time.

Are you serious?

Swear to God.

Oh, my God.

They're the most comfortable sweatpants I own.

Also, did Brad Paisley wander off with a handsome fanny pack?

I don't know.

Did he?

God, I hope so.

I think he got some hats.

So he might be wearing a little cowboy hat.

Sometime.

I'm trying to think what I bought.

I'm looking at this yellow lamp in my office.

And I, it's really bright and bold and doesn't fit any of the decor

and anything anywhere in my house.

But it sits here on my desk

and

I love it.

Hold on.

Let's see.

Oh, forgive it.

Oh, it's this crazy

yellow, fun.

Fun yellow lamp.

And you can't live without that.

I can't live without it.

I can live without it.

I just really like it.

It's like a

bold, bright, fun piece in my room.

Yeah.

But I don't buy a lot of things.

I'm not a big stuff gal.

I don't buy a lot of things.

Same.

May bought us tap shoes that I hope to have a part of my routine more.

I want to say tap dancing.

Me and you both, kid.

Me and you both.

Let's do it.

Let's do it.

Should we hear Balin's answer?

Yes.

mine is an instant espresso machine where you don't have to pull the shots yourself i mentioned i liked one at a family member's house and then i received it as a gift for the holidays and now i use it every day absolutely that did remind me i did buy a breville espresso machine

and i use it all the time it was expensive and i thought oof this is really expensive but it's probably saved me a gazillion dollars on coffee wow Wow, that's a lot of money.

That's what you've been spending.

Do you not go out for coffee really when you're home now?

I will here and there, but usually I save that for the road.

Yeah, same.

Keep sending in your questions at speakpipe.com/slash handsome pod if you want to ask us something.

We're so excited to hear from you guys.

And also, if you want a handsome fanny pack or a little cowboy hat or a

keys, those keychain.

What is it?

A keychain?

Oh, yeah.

The key party chain.

Yeah, man, that is good.

That's real good.

Head on over to our website, get you some, and tell your friends, share an episode.

And until next time, what do you say?

Keep it

pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a

podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.