Pretty Little Episode #34

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Hello, welcome to a pretty little episode.

It's me, Mae Martin, joined by me, Fortune Feemster, the radiant

sunshine that is Fortune.

I was listening to our theme song and Tig's Pod.

It cracks me up.

Yeah.

It doesn't get old for me.

I know.

After all this time, still got the giggles about it.

Yeah, and then if I'm a fan of a podcast and they randomly change the theme, which happens sometimes, I do not like it.

I know, just, you know, if it ain't broke, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm a creature of habit.

Actually,

I just ordered a club sandwich, a chicken club sandwich.

Well, me too, but don't you feel like that's one food that if they get it wrong, that'll ruin your mood because you get pumped about it.

And then if it arrives, it's too dry, it's too hard to bite into.

It's like, ugh.

And this was perfect.

It was.

Oh, good.

Yeah.

What's your perfect club sandwich?

Like,

like to me, it's a thin layer of grilled chicken.

Okay.

Crispy bacon.

Avocado, not guacamole.

No.

Avocado.

Yep.

Tomato, lettuce.

Chicken.

Okay.

I think I prefer sliced turkey on my club.

Oh.

Oh, I like a chicken too.

I like a thin turkey slice.

Crispy bacon as well.

I don't want that fatty, chewy bacon.

No.

I want crunchy crunch.

Yeah.

Do you remember microwavable bacon?

It had a real moment in the 90s.

And even in the 90s, they were like, this will kill you if you eat it.

It's so carcinogenic.

You're like, but it's so fast.

Yeah.

I like a lettuce, tomato, and I could do with or without the avocado, but I know it's a healthy fat, so why not?

Right.

And a little mayo for me.

Cotta have a little mayo.

Yeah.

And a sourdough toast.

That's what I had today.

Yeah.

Oh, man, it was good.

Do you know what?

Jones on Third, it's a place in LA.

They put their bacon in the oven.

Oh, yeah, nice.

And it makes it the crispiest of bacon.

Oh, God.

We can only talk about this because Tig's not here.

I know, I know, I know.

I'm like salivating.

Yeah.

Because Tig would would be like, well, there's this other bacon made from bean that is very

well, because a friend of mine owns a very popular barbecue restaurant in Austin.

And, you know, we're headed to Austin for our show,

which people can also get the live stream tickets for still.

And they, they were like, oh, we should send some barbecue.

And I'm like,

probably not.

We'll just send it to our hotel rooms.

I just don't, I don't want our green room reeking of animal products.

Right, right.

Tigs like, thanks, bud.

I'm excited to have an Austin experience.

Yeah, because you're going early, right?

Don't you have a show?

I'm going one day early to do

like an hour of, and I have no new material.

Like, it's all new.

It's all, so I don't know.

I hope people come to that.

It's going to be a good thing.

Did you ever toured?

Did you do your stand-up in Austin

before?

No, I've never played.

Yeah, that's true.

I could do it.

Nothing new for them.

Yeah, that's true.

Texas is so different

than other states, but Austin is like the

artsy.

Yeah, I think people are going to be dressed in nice jeans, like old vintage Levi's.

That's what I'm picturing.

Not so much.

I don't know.

I love that you just think everyone's in nice jeans.

It'll be good to have a little road trip, though, with all of us.

That's right.

Yeah, that would be really fun.

Have you been up to anything fun locally in LA?

No, I'm going to Disney tomorrow, though.

Whoa, and I had to

like so much of my work is mad at me for taking this day off, but it was like the end of the music tour.

I promised the band I would take them to Disney, so I cannot, I can't wait.

Are you a Disney person?

I like Disney,

but now that I have experienced Disney with a friend who hired a tour guide, I don't know if I can do it regularly anymore.

It's really hard to go back.

Yeah, that's what I'll, I'm doing that tomorrow.

And it is, you feel like an asshole.

You're doing the tour guide thing?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And I always really want the tour guide to have a nice day as well and to like me.

And so I always feel like if my friends are getting too rowdy or they're not engaging in conversation with the tour guide enough, I get right in there, become best friends.

Asking lots of questions.

Yeah, some of those facts.

Yeah, so tell me about, so what substance is the Magic Mountain made of?

What have you been up to in LA?

I've been sick for a week.

I know.

So I keep thinking every day it's going away and not quite yet.

Yeah.

So yeah, just gearing up for my tour.

It just started.

And I'm going to be on the road like crazy.

So trying to get healthy before I basically am gone for three, you know, weeks in a row.

Yeah.

And staying in random places, eating at random times.

I know.

I do have to be better about my health on this tour.

My last tour, I gained so much weight.

Just

taking care of myself.

Yeah.

Like, what are you going to do?

Cook vegetables in your hotel room sink?

Yeah.

No.

Boo.

Boo.

So

I got to commit to like at least just going to the

gym, even if I just walk on the treadmill.

Yeah.

something yeah breaks move my body I'm trying I'm gonna try not to eat late yeah that's gonna be a thing um I'm not gonna drink very much

and then limit my fried food yeah yeah that's a good limit my sugar yeah

so those are my goals I have been eating very late and not and I can't fall asleep till like three in the morning I'm like I get weird at night.

Yeah.

I can think because I know everyone's asleep.

I'm like, no one's going to bother me.

This is my time.

Yeah.

And last night I was lying in bed and I have my sleep talk app that records the whole night and it's activated by sound.

And so in the morning you listen to your sleep talk.

But as I was lying in bed, I was thinking of a song melody that I was writing in my head.

And so I just start, I knew it was recording.

So I just start singing,

singing in bed.

And then I felt like a maniac.

I listened to it in the morning and it is not good.

It's like croony.

Well, should we get to some questions?

I would love to hear what people want to know.

Hey, handsome.

This is Ashley from Austin, Texas.

I need your help settling a long time debate between my husband and I.

And tell us which one of us is actually the insane one.

Okay, so when you are done with the shower, you turn off the nozzle.

Do you immediately step out onto the bath mat and grab a towel and start drying off?

Or do you stay in the shower and try to run your fingers down your body and get as much of the water off first

okay oh

i've never thought about running my hands down my own body

it's all i do portion that's all i do

like backstreet

off me i actually did this is so weird because this exact thought crossed my mind when I got out of the shower today and I did try to get the most of the water off before I got out.

Yeah, I did do that.

You know what's even weirder what

I also had that thought this morning but I stayed in the shower and like long reached for my towel and and toweled off in the shower before stepping onto the bath mat that's crazy that we haven't as a species been like we should keep the towels within reach of the bath yeah they should it should be like boop right there it was like go go gadget arm wait so we both genuinely had like a shower water experience today genuinely this morning fucking weird That is really weird.

This is the telepathy tapes in action.

But you went like this.

Yeah, kind of wiping water off your body.

Yeah, and off my thighs.

So I will say to answer her question.

Yeah.

I mean,

I see that you guys are squeegeing your own body.

Good for you.

But I would be the more inclined to get on the bath mat and towel off.

Yeah, I mean, that's what the bath mat's there for, I guess, but they don't dry that fast.

And then you got this wet bath mat.

True.

But okay, so we're coming down on either side of that.

Should we see what she said?

Yeah.

My answer is, of course, I jump out of the shower and grab a towel.

That is what a towel is for.

You can't actually remove water from your body with your hands.

That is totally insane.

Okay.

Can't wait to hear your answers.

Thank you so much for all the laughs.

I listen to you every morning on my run.

And I'm pretty sure my neighbors think I'm insane because I'm just cockling, running through the neighborhood.

I love you.

Bye.

Oh, we love you.

You called me insane.

Yeah, I'm on your husband's side.

What do you mean you can't get water off your body with your hands?

We're waterproof.

Skinny.

Water can get dry, but you can flick like the excess.

The excess.

Yes.

But you can't get dry that way.

Yeah.

It would be cool to have, you know, the way when a car goes through a car wash, I'd like to do that with my body.

Like the Jetsons oh yeah or like the Austin Powers sequence where he's defrosted and yeah

all right well that was controversial on a treat yeah

should we listen to another one hey handsome this is Jamie from Winnipeg Canada my question is inspired by the amazing stories fortune tells about her mom Ginger and the question is has one or both of your parents ever done something so embarrassing to you in public that it has seared itself into your memory forever and it just makes you cringe every time you hear it?

Let me give you an example.

My friend took his mom to a Mexican takeout restaurant once and standing in the middle of the room, squinting up at the menu, she said in a loud voice to her son, what's a chicken fochida?

What's a chicken fachida?

That's funny.

That's really funny.

Oh, God, my mom did nothing but embarrass me as a child.

On purpose or just by being herself?

Just being her person, her personality.

Isn't that so brutal?

You become a parent, and your kid's just like, Oh, this person.

I know.

Well, I was born in 1980, so my young years were in the 80s, so pre-cell phones.

Um, so she had a habit of yelling our names in stores if she tried, if she, if we got you know, separated from her.

Yeah, she would just scream our names at the top of her lungs across the store.

Oh my God.

And it was so humiliating.

And would you prefer if she got on the PA?

I'd prefer her not be lazy and just walk and try to find us.

Yes.

You're just an island.

She didn't want to move extra steps

to look.

But she would do that when we were, this was less embarrassing because it was at home.

But

when she wanted us, you know, back in those days too, especially in a small town, you would leave in the morning, like summertime, and you stay gone all day.

You go hang out with the neighbors who are your age.

And she would walk outside and scream our names to come home for dinner.

But somehow it traveled all that way, like blocks and blocks.

Really?

Yeah.

That's impressive.

That does feel very like...

Like in a Spielberg movie, the kids are all out on the street and the parents shouting.

I'm not easily embarrassed.

My brother is more easily embarrassed.

But my dad would, like, to be funny, embarrass us on purpose.

And I loved it.

Like, he would say, oh, yeah, instead of saying excuse me, he'd say, exquise me, to strangers.

Like, when we'd be driving out of a parking lot and

the parking lot attendant would be there in the booth, he'd say, spank you very much instead of thank you very much.

Like he did a lot of, I guess that was Austin Powers

type.

Yeah, but he did.

Can it another Canadian?

Yeah, yeah.

And he would do things like when I got home from school, he'd know when I was approaching and he'd pull down his blinds and he would do like puppet, a puppet, shadow puppet show in the window.

So when I got home, or he'd wear Mickey Mouse ears so I could see this like projection of this madman up in his dad's full of personality.

Yeah, he's he's wacky and you didn't get embarrassed ever.

I'm sure I did, but no, I can't really think of.

I mean, when I would go

clothes shopping with my mom, and then I'd have to try things on and always come out and show her before, you know, and there'd be some woman there working there, and my mom would be like engaging with her.

And I'd just be like, no, God.

Yeah.

Femininity stuff was embarrassing for sure.

Very embarrassing.

I was on the homecoming court my senior year of high school.

Oh, my God.

And

I kind of like was treating it as a joke.

And

they were like, no, you have to wear like a dress every day to school for five days.

What?

Yeah, because

part of your campaigning to be homecoming queen.

Oh my.

And I was like, I don't want to.

They're like, you have to.

You have to be a pretty little lady.

And my mom took me shopping at like a woman, like a full-grown woman store.

Yeah.

I'm 17.

And she's buying me like,

you know, dresses that go down to the floor with shoulder pads.

Oh my gosh, shoulder pads, of course.

It was like burnt orange colors and vomit green, like the worst fall colors.

Do you have this in vomit green by any chance?

And I was so horrified.

All these other girls were like in these cute little like, you know, knee-length dresses.

Yeah.

And I'm like, I look like a 60-year-old spinster who is also, you know, trying cases

for fun in my shoulder pads.

Oh my God.

It was humiliating.

And my mom just thought I was the most gorgeous I'd ever been.

Oh, of course.

Yeah, you felt the love more than you ever had.

Yeah.

She's like, finally, there's my daughter.

There you are.

My pretty little lady.

Do you think shoulder pads will ever come back in?

Men are starting to, like, I've seen in formal wear having these like

pointy shoulders lately.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

Huh.

I don't think that's gonna catch on though.

Should we do one more?

Yeah, let's do one more.

Hi handsome.

I'm Court from Denton, Texas.

My question, do y'all jaywalk or are you strict crosswalkers?

And what is your reasoning?

Is it situational?

Is it for safety?

Are you just a rule follower?

Or if you are jaywalking, are you an agent of chaos or what's the deal?

I'm kind of a rebel.

I do jaywalk if it's if it's safe.

I trust my judgment.

And if it's safe, I will.

My pet peeve is people who jaywalk with strollers because then you're pushing the stroller out in front of you.

I'm like, just don't.

Yeah.

It's not worth the risk.

Yeah.

But when I moved to LA, people were like, you cannot jaywalk and you will get a ticket.

People warned me about that.

Is that a thing here?

It does happen here.

I have heard of that.

Well, some streets are so dangerous because in LA, the freeways are so bad and often backed up that people don't really get to drive fast.

So

on these other roads, these like,

you know,

residential roads, they freaking fly.

Yeah.

So yeah, in LA, I oftentimes will find the crosswalk, partly because of being a rule follower.

And also just like it is wildly dangerous.

But, you know, occasionally I'm being lazy and like, let's just, there's no one around.

Let's bop over right here.

Yeah, you're not going to be homecoming, Queen, if you're jaywalking all over the place.

That's right.

You're still pushing for that crown, right?

You're hoping.

I mean, May, I was so close to winning.

I lost by just a few votes.

Yeah, seriously.

Yeah, it was like a big thing at the high school where, like,

one side wanted, you know, there was the one girl who won everything that was like

the

shitty two-shoes of everything

who

was expected to win.

And I was the dark horse

representing the people, yeah, like the arty kids, the funny kids, and the and so the people were like, We're doing this,

we're gonna overthrow, yeah, they're like, We're gonna overthrow the norms, yeah,

and uh, I got close, and then she won, yeah, she won, yeah, yeah, yeah.

If it was like a Juda Apata movie, you would have won, but that's right, yeah, but it was pretty funny to be even considered because

that was not, um I was not the uh

blossomed flower I am now and did you have to like make speeches and have a platform you were running on and stuff um I do think there was a one of those things kind of pageant like yeah where they tell where you had to say your likes and dislikes love it and I do believe I was funny I think I was like I like long walks on the beach that's funny and I want world peace right those fun things yeah

and you hate seeds in strawberries and raspberries.

Yeah.

And then we had to also

ride around at the football game in the back of a convertible wearing a dress.

Oh my God.

Waving like a princess.

Just like the finalists were doing that?

Well, all the all the Kong Kong court rode around.

Oh my God.

And then the winner was announced at halftime.

It was a big thing because I'm from a small town, so the foot Friday night football was like the place to be.

Yeah.

The whole town.

The whole town.

Oh my God.

I want to see you in that convertible.

I'm sure I'll find the picture.

I'll.

I had shoulder pads.

Oh, my God.

But this, that little dress was cuter.

I finally stood up to my mom and was like, I'm going to wear a short skirt.

Whoa, with those gams.

You got to get your legs up.

Suck it.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

Anyway,

I'm a rule follower for sure, but occasionally we'll jailwalk.

I'm

an agent of chaos, I guess.

But I'm very careful, I will say.

I just trust, you know.

Yeah.

So for me, I'm a proud crosswalker, if that's even a term.

I wish I had a cooler reason than safety, but yeah, I mainly just don't want to get run over.

Fair.

And I wanted to add, I've been a TIG fan since she was a cop on the Sarah Silverman program, and I've followed Fortune since she crushed on last comic standing.

I didn't know know it was Megan told Handsome, but I feel like we'd be Survivor Superfan besties.

Yeah.

Keep it handsome.

Oh, very cool.

That's so cool.

And also, yeah, if anyone wants to talk Survivor, I'm watching the current season.

It's an excellent season.

So well cast.

I forgot.

You're a big fan of that.

I am.

I've remained a big fan.

And

the new season just had an amazing moment in the last episode.

Really?

It really is the best show on TV.

I'll go to my grave.

I have not watched it since like season two.

You've got a lot of joy ahead of you if you want to dive in.

I don't know if I do.

Yeah, fair.

Oh,

what another fun, pretty little episode.

Always a pleasure.

I love hearing what people want to know.

And I'm excited to meet people at our live

shows.

Our live shows, yeah.

We had Nashville already headed to Austin.

Yeah.

And we would love for you guys to partake in the joyous show that we are about to um do our live stream uh is tomorrow yes from austin so get your tickets uh the link is on our instagram page or our website dynastytypewriter.com you get your your and you can watch it for a week and uh yeah it's gonna be it's gonna be epic have a viewing party watch with your friends that's right buddy yeah i can't wait um i know what i'm gonna wear yep that's a surprise well in austin you're a little cowboy so

better get that, get out those fresh jeans.

Yeah.

Well, thank you guys for listening.

Listen, thank you.

And all that remains, I guess, is to remind everybody to please keep it pretty

handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.