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Cheers.

Welcome to the Handsome Podcast.

I am

one of your very handsome hosts, and my name is Tignotaro.

My name is Mae Martin.

And I'm your sultry, sexy-sounding Fortune themester.

fortune my goodness have you guys ever heard my voice this low before or crackly yeah it's not the depth it's like it almost sounds like you're choked by emotion I am or puberty and choked up by going through puberty tell us with what's left of your voice what happened to your voice I don't know I was traveling this weekend I had shows in Alabama yeah and I don't I it is spring there and there's pollen and you know, it's every I was literally sitting under trees fall dumping pollen on me

I'm picturing like little piles of yellow dust on your shoulders

with my mom in my hometown

after Alabama and Out of nowhere last night.

I just couldn't talk anymore.

I'm not sick

I just don't have a voice and you guys miss me too much and we didn't want to not be together today.

That's correct.

Yeah, we forbid it

um i feel like a psychiatrist might like diagnose that psychosomatically like be like you

you need a break from being observed and heard like you or like you're struggling to say what you feel you know what i mean i would say stress is probably also involved in this i think the throat is a very emotional yeah organ is it an organ

It's passage.

The throat, I don't know if that's an organ.

It's more like a fleshy tube.

Fleshy tube.

It might be an organ.

I really don't know.

I am not the one to come to

about

any sort of anything, really.

Except, like we were saying before we started the episode, Thomas found a cat or the cat found Thomas.

He wanted to call me and then he didn't want to bother me.

And I was like, listen, you can always bother me about kiddie stuff.

But organs, I don't know if I'm on.

You don't want to be bothered.

Yeah, I don't know if I'm going to call.

If I didn't have have my voice, do you think I could do this?

My funny Valentine.

That is a really beautiful face.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah, will you do that again, please?

Well, I don't know the rest of the words.

Well, what you saying is enough to get that face going.

My

funny Valentine.

Wow, fortune.

I literally can't go up and off to him.

I'm not even listening to the voice.

It's the face.

I don't know if I've ever seen that.

When you sound sultry, you have to look sultry.

Is that what sultry is

today?

But why couldn't he?

Why couldn't this ailment have struck you on the night of the Atlantis Morris at concert?

And then I would have had to step in.

Good point, May.

Yeah.

May, well, now you know this could happen at any point.

I just have to stress you out before I have to.

You have to pour pollen on Fortune's head and shoulders I have to be tired to have pollen poured on my head and be stressed yeah wait so Tig you were mentioning that Thomas found a stray cat so

there's a person walking by there's a ghost in your house I feel like it's my wife said there's a ghost in your house okay so

last night I had a friend over and I said to her I've got a surprise for you out back because guys I got a sauna out back and I was really excited

I got a lot to say about it but I was really excited to show her.

So I'm like, I got a surprise.

And so we go to my back door.

As we walk out, there is a white, scraggly dog staring at me with like muddy feet.

And it's been shaved and it's old and it's scraggly and it's like,

like it looks almost rabid.

And so first of all, she thinks this is the surprise that I'm showing her.

And so

I'm like, what is this dog?

And then I hear people shouting, marshmallow, marshmallow, marshmallow.

and so i turn around the corner and at my gate like holding onto the bars of the gate are three people like a grandma person and uh

was it otsuko and her grandma

that was sort of the vibe grandma person then like a sort of 50 year old woman and then like a guy my age and none of them know each other but the grandma person is like that's my granddaughter's dog marshmallow and then they come running in i let them in and they they get marshmallow and she picks them up and she's like i'm going to give you a beating or something to the dog.

And I was like, wait, what?

And she's like, no, I'm joking.

I don't know why I said that.

She starts sobbing.

She's like, my granddaughter would have killed me if I lost her dog.

It ran away from the groomers.

Anyway, it was all very emotional.

Who are the other people, though, if they weren't involved with the dog or that thing?

They're Good Samaritans.

They saw the dog bolt out of the groomers and then they'd been looking forever.

And then someone saw it bolt into my back garden.

But wow.

I just, I love it.

Little cowboy.

My friend thought that i was going i've got a surprise for you and then it's this like immersive theater experience with this upset family and this dog yeah you're gonna foster a traumatic dog yeah and was the dog white yeah it was a white dog that's why it was called marshmallow i presume yeah

and it was not an attractive creature it was a

it was stressed it was no biggie it was no biggie oh my god no oh my gosh i saw a knockoff brand of biggie

walking down the street the other day and I was like, yeah, good luck.

There's a lot of knockoff biggies in there.

That's right.

Yeah.

Okay.

I have you guys.

What is that?

Whiskey.

Yeah.

Is it?

Because somebody told me to drink it.

So guess what I'm about to do?

No.

You're going to get drunk.

Fortune.

Fortune, Marie.

Gonna get married.

It is 1.15 in the afternoon.

Oh, my God.

They said swig whiskey.

Why?

Okay, I think

an old wives tale because I think it.

I don't know.

We're going to find out.

Oh my God.

Fortune's drinking like a Mickey of liquor.

Wow.

Like a hot toddy, maybe with like

to wash it down.

Okay, that's good.

That I approve of.

Does throat coat work?

We'll find out.

Yeah.

Some people say that whiskey is, like, of all the liquors, it makes you angry.

So are you going to get pissed at us?

Oh.

Oh, let's see how this hour unfolds.

Okay, this is a good moment for you to, maybe we can all air out our grievances.

What are you upset with me about, and what are you upset with May about?

Oh, God.

We're starting with me.

Yeah, well, because you're the one licored up.

And be honest, I'm upset that you just had a birthday

and I didn't get any birthday cake.

Oh,

yeah.

Is that a rule?

Anyone with a birthday?

Anyone with a birthday should be clean?

Yes, I know.

Max and Finn ordered,

I like to have king cake every year.

It's the cake

Louisiana.

Yeah, for Mardi Gras.

And so I love having that.

It's my favorite cake.

Don't you bite into it and things are in it?

Yeah, there's a baby or a penny sometimes.

And that sounds dangerous.

It's good luck.

And it's also, you have to host the next Mardi Gras party.

Oh, who?

I like the idea.

Don't yuck my yum.

I don't want to bite into a baby and then have to host a party.

It's not a real baby.

It's just a very tiny little baby.

How come we don't hide more stuff in food like that?

That's such a fun element to any meal.

Like a knife, you know, to break you out of prison.

Would you do a cake in the shape of a saw?

Would you want to be proposed to via a ring and a piece of cake?

I never want to be proposed to again, ever.

No?

Anyway, moving on.

Oh, okay.

Okay, so you had this cake.

Okay, so Fortune's pissed about it.

Yes, every year.

if anybody's looking for the greatest vegan cake in the world, and actually other vegan snacks and cheese, Yvonne's Vegan is, it's in Pasadena, California.

It is so good.

She makes my king cake every year.

It is so delicious.

And so Max and Finn ordered this for me.

And

it was a surprise slash not surprise, I'll be honest, since I have it every year.

um, but yeah, you're right.

I should have thought we need to save some for fortune, but I was worried about your throat.

I know, right?

Makes it better.

Okay, what do you what are you upset with May about?

Oh, God.

And you can say anything.

May, I am so upset with you that you had a friend over and I wasn't invited.

Okay, there's a theme here.

There's a theme which is fortune wants to be included.

Leave me alone.

Wayna I was out of town for both things.

I wish that you had been there for the marshmallow incident because you're like a dog whisperer.

You could have like snuggled that dog up.

Come here, come here, little.

I could talk to him like this with his voice.

Come here, little doggy.

Your voice does sound a lot better than the voice memo you texted us this morning.

Yeah.

Because I was only awake for like 30 minutes.

And I'm like, uh-oh.

That's kind of a Mae Martin strategy sometimes is like right when you wake up, your voice is pretty croaky.

So you do the voice note then saying, you you know, guys, I'm not feeling good.

I'm not going to

self.

Now we know you're

if you ever do that.

No, I gave up long ago.

I feel like you guys see through me.

I gave up.

Yeah, day one you saw through me.

Now, truly, if I say I'm sick, it's because I'm really sick.

Because I know I can't pull one out.

That's what you'll hear when

you call in with.

I'm going to have a cold at three o'clock today.

I'm planning on having it.

It'll be over at 4.30.

Yeah, it'll be over at 6.30 because I have to go on a date then.

But until then, it'll.

Do you really have a date?

I don't.

I don't.

Oh.

Yeah, but I'm excited for the possibilities of the sauna in my life.

I love that you have a sauna.

I've thought about getting one.

I cannot recommend it highly enough.

Like, it's, they're not that expensive.

They say it lowers your chance of cardiac

health problems

by like 40%.

And half an hour day it's it heats up super fast it smells like cedar wood it's so nice how many people fit in yours four of course

four

and is it the infrared light no but I'm thinking about getting a red light in there

and I'm I've named it because I watched the Severance finale last night so in Severance there's this room called Cold Harbor that's like the project they're working on and so I've named the sauna hot harbor

I might like engrave it or something I don't know and And how long do you stay in there?

I mean, I've only had it working for less than 24 hours and I've been in there about 90 minutes.

And I feel like a sack of skin, like all the fluid's gone out of my body, but I feel healthy.

Okay.

Okay.

And do you feel like your cardiac stuff is

good?

I think it's going to help me not smoke.

the couple cigarettes I smoke every day because when you get out of it, you feel so good in your body.

You don't want to mess with that.

Yeah.

Should I get a cold plunge, you think?

do you have enough room in your yard yeah maybe i'll just get a bucket are you at your house your new house yeah i'm back home after so long away and so many different countries yeah and are those all of your trophies and awards i i my eye sight is terrible they are but there's a big head on one yeah that's like the taskmaster you know that game show taskmaster

But I didn't think about that for the podcast and now I'm embarrassed.

But those are.

Why are you embarrassed?

You're a very decorated

comedian.

Thank you.

Why don't you walk us through all of this?

I see ha

on something.

Fortune's plant, of course.

I don't want to brag about what I've got behind me, but like Fortune's plant follows her everywhere.

What is the ha ha ha award?

Oh, you know, that was funny.

It's the rising comedy star of the year just for last 2023.

I'd been doing comedy for 20 years at that point.

You're a rising star.

Yeah.

Isn't that

all arbitrary, aren't they?

But I got my window fixed.

You'll see there's going to be no more Black Widow spiders coming through there.

You should also hang a sign that says no Black Widow Spiders Allowed.

Yo, what's this?

What's that, Fortune?

I feel like I have that same thing.

Rise up LA.

Rise up lights.

Rise up lights.

Rise up lights.

Congrats on that, Fortune.

You want to tell us about it?

Racking up the orders.

she's drinking again.

I'll see you tomorrow.

I have this, but I don't know who gave it to me.

The fake Oscar?

Sorry to say that.

It is not

fake.

Sorry.

Sorry.

It's like three inches tall.

Nothing.

Yeah, but

I don't know where who gave me this.

Does it have a plaque on it?

There's nothing on it, just a ratty old Oscar.

I saw somebody making fun of how whenever anybody makes an acceptance speech, they comment on how heavy the award is.

Yeah.

They're always like, oh, these really are heavy.

And also

looking into the camera telling their kids to go to bed, of course.

Oh, my God.

I'm obsessed with that.

Susie, Jacob.

Go to bed.

Okay.

Go to bed.

Oh, my God.

What if you, it would be funny if you didn't have kids and you told kids.

That's really funny.

Or if you said it to your parents, mom, dad, go to bed.

Go to bed.

You've had too much to drink.

the oscars it won't be next year because conan's doing it again oh is he that'll give us more time to learn to tap dance we could kidnap uh conan just for the night tig you're good friends with conan tell him that at some point he should have the handsome pod tap dance at his house at the next oscars he doesn't have to acknowledge it on stage he can just walk by us he just ignores all the tapping and we're tapping yeah he has time to think about it.

It's not till next year.

Also, I want to be clear.

I'm not really good friends with Conan.

I'm certainly friends with Conan.

That's more than we are.

Yeah.

I have his number.

This is more than we have.

Yeah, okay.

But I'm not good friends.

If he hears this and he's friendly enough to say, hey, bud.

Yeah, I'm friendly enough to say, hey, my pod.

But if he hears this and he'll text me and say, you need to correct that.

Yeah, you need to make an edit.

We're acquaintances.

Yeah.

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I saw some clips of him from the Mark Twain Award

and he's just so such a great speaker.

He had so funny.

He's so funny.

He is by far one of the top five funniest people

living.

I mean, I kind of can't get over it every time.

And I know, like, I know he's massively famous and everyone loves him, but I feel like, I don't know, I don't hear enough of like,

yeah, of people really recognizing it that this, that he's still so funny.

He's so funny in in everything he does.

It's so effortless.

It's so like

joyful almost.

Like, like, yeah, we got to celebrate it.

So smart.

Yeah.

And like, so curveball-y.

Like, whatever topic, he has an angle

that I'm like, oh my gosh, didn't see that coming at all.

And which, you know, of course, is the key to comedy, but also it's fun sometimes when you see where a joke is going and it unravels to your delight.

I like that that his specific talent is like his whole being is just a fun, a funny person.

Like it's, you know what I mean?

Like you just put him in any situation and his reaction is like his deadpin reaction to when he kind of engineers a situation where someone insults him and then he is so deadpin like that

kills me.

He is a silly, silly man.

And God, do I love it.

Anyway.

Anyway, he's not our question asker.

No, he's not.

And I'm realizing we didn't make it full circle around where we all could share what we're so upset with each other.

What are y'all upset about?

I don't know if you want to hear it.

Really?

Yeah.

I think we should save it for another episode when you're not this sick.

I don't know.

I can take it.

I don't think you can.

Fortunately, I am so upset with you.

And May.

Yeah.

I think the person who's airing the grievances needs to be drunk on whiskey.

That's that's oh, yeah.

How's the whiskey going?

Bottoms up.

And who told you whiskey would help your voice?

Somebody on Instagram.

Are you serious?

Yeah, I listen to my followers.

Okay.

And then why do you have such a tiny little

check my messages?

I saw this.

Two people made this suggestion.

Don't do something on just one suggestion.

Yeah.

You need two strangers on instagram two strangers have to have suggested it okay and i'm sitting here and i'm like i'm about to start handsome my throat's being

a bad girl

a bad little lady and i looked over and what was sitting on the desk from my last airplane ride they just hand me a bunch of these when i fly and i'm like

they do i don't you've never been handed i've never been on a flight and a flight attendant just hands me out.

I don't even like, I drink, but I don't drink like a crazy, you know, I'm not like a yeah, so you just sit down.

What are you famous for drinking whiskey?

And you know, no, I think it's from my Chelsea lately days.

Some of the gays that watched that show back in the day are just like, Here, girl, have fun.

And I'm just like, Oh, thanks

just because they want to celebrate you.

I either don't drink on a plane or I don't drink more than one of these.

I would be in a wheelchair if I drank one of those tiny little ones.

That's true, Tay.

I sometimes,

before a show, I'll have like a sip of whiskey just to have the taste in my mouth because of like the sense memory of drunk confidence, even though I'm not drunk at all.

I have just the taste in my mouth, and I'm like, oh, I must be feeling real loose, even though I haven't even imbibed.

I will say, I, my voice feels better already in the last five minutes.

It sounds really good and less sexy,

unfortunately.

Back to my

southern twang.

And you're drinking.

Sorry, you're drinking smooth move tea for this.

Coat throat, but I do like smooth move.

Do you really smooth move?

Where'd you get that?

That's a tea.

That's a real thing.

Yeah.

I thought you just made it up.

You didn't know about smooth move tea?

What is this?

Oh, my gosh.

This is a tea that you can drink to have a smooth move.

Really?

Yeah.

Wow.

Oh.

I have only had it once.

It's licorice tasting.

Oh,

yeah.

Yeah.

You're like, get it out of my body.

I do like black licorice.

Really?

I hate it.

But do you, do you like red licorice, Fortune?

I like it, but I don't love it.

Because apparently, if you like red licorice, then you like the smell of gasoline.

And if you like black licorice, that's like you're like a rabbit because rabbits love licorice.

I don't love the smell of gasoline.

There's a couple flaws in that whole.

No, no, no.

I don't see a single flaw, May.

I actually

poured gasoline all over myself this weekend.

What?

Not on purpose.

At the

end.

All over you.

Like on your head.

I pulled out the handle, the thing,

and

the little trigger button thing was already down.

So it was gushing out?

So I opened it and it just started gushing out.

Oh my god.

That's so dangerous.

That's a great smell.

I love the smell.

You do?

I love the smell of gas, petrol, super glue, permanent marker.

I used to as a kid, but I've moved on.

Yeah, you got to guard what brain cells are.

Yeah, I have a year away from

my retirement community.

Right, right.

Do you think that would be a good slasher movie that takes place at a retirement community?

Yes, write it.

Okay.

I'll star in it.

Okay.

For real?

Of course.

Okay, great.

As long as I can listen.

That works there.

Yeah, great.

And also, I know from doing this podcast enough that you said many times, Tig, that you don't have range.

So I'm going to write it specifically for you.

Yes.

Yeah.

You basically just have to be like, hi, I'm Tig.

Yeah, and I'm old.

But we could give you full gray hair.

Yeah.

You would think that there's going to be more to that sentence.

You had that long gray hair in y'all's movie.

Yes.

And Am I Okay,

I'm in a

long-haired gray wig.

That's hilarious.

So tune in to MIOK.

Do you think when you get older, you will grow your hair out?

How much older?

Because again, I'm one year away from retirement community.

Like, you know, 70 or something.

70.

Wait, you're saying like long?

Long hair, yeah.

Long gray hair.

Not sure about that.

It doesn't have to be gray.

You could still dye it, but will it be long?

What do you mean, still dye?

I don't dye my hair.

Oh, my bad.

You thought I dyed my hair?

Can I be honest?

I did too.

Really?

I kind of thought

I highlight my hair.

I don't know.

Haven't I told you that I feel like I am the opposite of when people go, what has this person done with their face, like with plastic surgery?

I'm like,

I realized one day that people with plastic surgery are looking at me going, does she not know that she can have things done?

Because my teeth are cracked in yellow.

I have wrinkles, and I have gray hair.

I mean, what I look what I have.

Oh, what is that?

Effortlessly handsome.

Yeah, what is that, Fortune?

It looks like a vibrator.

It does look like a one, doesn't it?

Oh, it goes under your eyes for puffy eyes.

Yes, don't tempt me because I will order everything under the sun.

I don't know if you can see this that I just bought.

This is all the rage, May,

like an eye wand.

It's a Thera body.

Okay, I'm getting it.

Oh, de Puffer.

Thera body.

And it looks like a vibrator.

De Puffer.

De Pu De Puffer.

I don't think it's a De Puffer.

De Puffer.

Hey, De Puffer.

Hey, if it isn't Fortune De Puffer, it's been a while, buddy.

This is not a sponsored ad, but May,

it gets cold and hot, like, immediately.

Okay, I'm gonna.

Good thing it's not a sponsored ad because they would drop it.

They'd be like, we're not depuffer.

Like like a

mafia character like a gangster character who has asthma who's called the the puffer the puffer the puffer saying depuffer yeah yeah yeah um so i ordered this which might look like a normal black hat just like the one i'm wearing looks brown it does look it looks green to me oh that's just the light the golden light but it looks like a little cowboy hat if you look inside it's lined with silver or something to stop like the radiation rays that we're all getting, apparently, from our phones and

walking around all the Wi-Fi waves.

It's like wearing a tinfoil hat, but

it's real.

And then I've been reading all about these dangerous waves that we're absorbing.

I'm like, I can't believe I live in this reality that I'm buying basically a tinfoil hat to wear.

Are you telling me you bought yourself a depuffer hat?

I bought myself a deradio puffer hat.

All right, and what is this little lady holding right up there?

If you're watching on YouTube, Fortune's holding up a delightful little handbag.

It's my Chewy Vuitton Paris bag.

Chewy Vuitton.

It's Biggie's.

It's Biggie's actual bag?

Yeah.

And what do you keep in there?

No, it's a squeeze toy.

Oh, okay.

Should we get to our question asker?

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Today's question asker is a Grammy-winning singer, songwriter, and producer best known as the front man of indie folk band Boni Ver.

He's got one of the most distinctive and beautiful voices in all of music.

Boni Ver's new album is called Sable Fable.

Justin Vernon is asking today's question.

I never knew his name was Justin Vernon.

I didn't know that either.

Oh, well, now you know.

And you know what he sang with Taylor Swift.

Yes, I know.

I'm a big fan.

Bonniver's voice, when he says, Come on, skinny love, just

I mean, come on, kill me now.

Kill me now.

Kill me right now with

this.

Oh, God.

That's yours.

That's yours.

Yeah, that's all.

That's all.

Wait, should we show?

Should we hear his question?

Oh, yes.

Oh,

that's right.

Yeah, he has a forgot why we were even here.

Hey, handsome.

Huge fan of all of yours.

I'm happy to be here.

My name's Justin.

He's a money there.

And I got a question for everybody.

Have you ever been in a place

that was so unexpected

that

you couldn't believe it?

And you can't believe it still when you look back.

And how did it change you?

What happened?

And why was it so unexpected?

Okay, not to objectify him, but I didn't know Justin was such a babe.

I mean,

I've seen him before, but like,

I got blush.

I was blushing.

A handsome fella.

He's got a cheeky sparkle in his eye, and that's all I like in a person is like a piratic twinkle in the eye.

No sense of humor, no intelligence.

That's no, no, just the twinkle.

No compassion.

No, no empathy.

Yeah, just looking for a twinkle.

Just need that twinkle.

I'm Peter Sagal.

NPR is very serious, mostly.

It treats newsmakers with all due respect, almost all the time.

It brings you the most important information about the issues that really matter, usually.

And it never asks famous people about things they don't know anything about, except once in a while.

Join us for the great exception.

Listen to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the news quiz from NPR.

I think if you have a twinkle, you have some empathy and some intelligence,

I think.

That was a great question, too.

Yeah, and I thought right out of the gate that I had the answer.

yeah and i've talked about it on the podcast which was where i i was invited with who we spoke about conan o'brien and a bunch of others to go to the the vatican oh my god yeah the pope i was like well i didn't expect this in my life but then i immediately switched to when i was asked

This is a lot of rock stars in one

sitting, but Chris Martin asked me to surprise Dakota Johnson on her 30th birthday.

Do you know about this?

No.

Okay.

So I get an email.

You're not in the movie yet?

No.

This is how I met her.

Okay.

Chris Martin emails me and he's like, hey,

this is Chris Martin.

Dakota Johnson is my girlfriend and you are her favorite comedian.

And he said,

and he said, she's turning 30 years old.

This is a few years back.

I would have erased this email because I would have been certain it was spam.

Right.

It sounded like like i'm a saudi prince and i just need yeah yeah why are those not real

you've been sending malt money

so he says you are um dakota's favorite comedian will you surprise her on her 30th birthday and i'm like

okay i can do this um and i uh

i show up

It's this place in Malibu.

It's outdoors.

It's,

I get, I show up and I get shuffled immediately into basically a broom closet.

Okay.

You're like, can I at least have a salad?

But meanwhile, it's like this outdoor event where there's food trucks, there's a stage, there's like a Led Zeppelin cover band playing.

Sick.

And there's every massive celebrity you've ever, ever dreamed possible in one place.

And you're in the broom closet.

I'm in the broom closet and I'm with my friend.

Les back in that closet.

Yeah, let's shove the old lesbian back there.

So I'm in the broom closet.

I'm with my friend Greg, another comedian who I brought as my date.

And all I asked for was tea, not for throat coat or smooth move, just tea,

usually spearmint or mint tea.

And so I'm just sitting in this essentially broom closet waiting to be called on stage.

And Chris comes back and says hello and thanks me me for being there.

And I'm like, sure thing.

And he was like, sorry, I just really want to make this a surprise.

And I'm like, yeah, no problem.

And then I go out on stage.

And I'm, and I, and I said to Chris, I was like, are you sure I'm her favorite comedian?

Because I said, I am mortified

thinking about like maybe you misunderstood something.

And it's like the big moment of the night is he's surprising her with me.

And there, and she's like, who is this?

So I walk, he's like, I am certain it's you, and I'm like, Okay, so it's time for my performance, and I'm led out onto the stage.

Chris and Dakota are sitting front, row, center.

And I'm like, Oh my lord,

I'm very self-conscious because I'm still thinking, like, May, I wonder if he has the wrong person.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And

I do my show, and uh, does it go well?

Uh, I think it did it it i i think it went well enough to where i

you know was friendly with dakota after and we worked together and did she react when you came out was she like oh my god well dakota doesn't she's not a real oh my god kind of person

right she's like you yeah

she's way chill which it all kind of made sense after that point where i'm like she's so

like she's not oh my god right so anyway i meet her after that's all nice and everything.

And then Robert Downey Jr.

comes up to me and

he's giving me all these nice compliments and like really specific compliments about the different jokes and whatever.

And I'm like, oh, wow, he really gets my sense of humor.

And then he says, and his wife is standing there too, Susan.

And he says,

my wife was wanting tea and that sounds good to me too.

And I'm curious, where did you get your tea?

And I said, oh,

um,

I've been sitting in a broom closet for the past hour and I have

tea in that broom closet and some hot water.

And he was like, do you mind taking us there to get some tea?

And I was like, sure.

So me, Robert, Greg, and myself all go to my broom closet and I'm fixing their tea.

And I'm telling you, it's really a tiny little little area.

I'm fixing their tea, and I hand everyone some tea.

And then

he says, You know what?

Do you mind if we just hang out in here and all have tea together?

He was like, I'm kind of not really in the mood to be at the party.

And I was like, I respect that so much.

And I was like, sure.

And so I thought we'd probably sit there for a half hour and drink our tea.

We were in the broom closet

the entire night.

Oh my gosh.

Me, Robert, Susan, Greg drinking tea in the broom closet and then wrapped up and I left.

Oh my gosh.

I did not even interact with the food truck.

I didn't do anything.

I just went home and then Dakota.

But that was a moment where I was sitting there going, how on earth am I in a broom closet?

pouring tea and spending hours with my friend Greg and Robert and Susan Downey.

Yeah, that's insane.

And it was so fun.

It was

always the best moments at a party when you break off into a little group and like a little broom closet.

Broom closet, yeah, yeah.

I figured I'd share that story.

That's a great story.

I figured I'd share that over going back into, well, it was so crazy to be at the Vatican with

Conan O'Brien, my best friend.

Yeah.

So

cool.

Yeah, it was just a funny, weird moment that I really enjoyed.

Oh, man, do you have Unfortunate?

I mean, I'm only thinking of celebrity stuff right now just because I feel like that those are the most surreal moments you have living in Los Angeles.

Yeah.

It's like one of those places where like literally at any given moment, you can like turn a corner and be talking to like your childhood hero.

Yeah.

Like you just,

you never know who you're going to meet and where.

One would,

I'm friends with her now, but when I first met Natalie Mainz from the chicks, yeah, um, she agreed to do this show with me for Comedy Central.

We had never met, and now that I know her, I can't believe she said yes.

And I had like loved their band my whole life.

Well, from my, from the time I was 18 up and used to, like, listen to them.

17, you couldn't stand them.

That's right.

Yeah.

I actually hated them.

Listen to their song on repeat.

So she and I sat in her trailer and chatted for a long time and

we got drinks with her afterwards.

And then for um we recently went out of town with her um and her bandmates came and we had a like this fun night where we were um singing karaoke and we started singing their all these songs from their first album that they like

don't sing anymore.

Yeah.

And like singing at the top of our lungs and having the best time and they were dancing and it was like the most surreal moment where where I just like pictured myself back in college.

And like, could you have ever imagined

singing with them?

And I sang on stage with them too, which was very surreal.

I sang in the Nashville Bridgetown Arena, the their Good By Earl song, but something about being in a den, and they were, and they sang like

at a house, yeah.

I was at a house, just

a dinner, a dinner party, yeah, yeah, and uh, sang, they sang Not Ready to Make Nice, which was that's such such a great song.

Their huge song from their controversy, like singing, sing it in this room with me.

It's so crazy.

I thought you were saying that you were like at a karaoke club singing it with Natalie.

And I was like, wait a minute, was everyone's head exploding?

Yeah.

Left and right.

She sang at her.

We had a wedding party back in the day.

She came and sang at that.

And at my,

she karaokeed with me at my premiere.

I had a little premiere gathering for my specials.

So she is down for the karaoke.

Love it.

This was just in the house with them.

They had the

scream singing at the top of our lungs.

Does she live in LA?

She does.

Yeah.

Okay.

House parties,

yeah, it's intimate enough that you can, that everyone who's there feels vetted.

So it means if you do meet one of your heroes, they're kind of predisposed to be like, oh, you, you're, you're in.

the gang.

I can connect with you in this way.

Like, it's different to being at a, you know, an award show or something.

at very different

you would think but that's how i met taylor dane was at a very intimate party and i thought i was safe and i don't know if you're familiar with that story yeah you were not safe yeah i was not safe

and that's where the excuse me i'm sorry to bother you i just have to tell you i love your voice came from the fact that taylor and i had a mutual friend that was having an intimate dinner party right taylor and i first met at an intimate at jamie babbitts remember Uh-huh.

Yeah.

A long, long time ago.

Were they trying to connect, like, hook us up?

Why were we?

It was just the two of us at Carrie and Jamie's house.

When I look back, I'm like for a second, but I'm like, there's no way.

They might have just Tig and I.

Yeah.

But I think that in their head, they were like, they're both very funny and should be friends.

Yeah.

Mine is.

I'm going to veer off the celebrity thing.

Those are

okay.

I'm going to to go.

The first thing that came to mind was like the most

surreal place I've been or culturally different place I've been was like Nepal when I was 20 and like up in the mountains and stuff and there was this one night where it was a full moon and um so there were all these parties and Kathmandu and I was just so like on my own and I met this Italian guy who was maybe five foot two.

He was tiny.

Anyway, we were in this bar and they were playing YouTube and everyone from every different country imaginable knew every word.

And we were all singing, you're one, but you're not the same.

Yeah.

Then I ended up hooking up with this guy in my hostel, this Italian guy, and he was telling me that he grew up in a cult and that he had seen a human being fly.

He was like, I don't know what to tell you.

I've seen it with my eyes.

Human beings can fly with the power of your mind.

I don't know.

I've seen it.

And I was like, whoa, cool, man.

And then I got.

And do you believe that?

Yeah, I have no reason to doubt it, take

you have no reason like there's no reason to doubt that

i mean i try to take people at their word you know

but i mean he was probably out of his mind but possibly he really was like so sincere when he said it yeah and then i got sick i was having stomach problems i wasn't even like drunk or anything but i ended up having to run to the bathroom and I had like explosive diarrhea.

And the bathroom bathroom was on the roof of the hostel and the door was kind of open and I'm squatting over this hole and I can see the full moon above the thing and then as I'm squatting there just like oh like you know the cramping like

this giant rat the size of a dog comes up to the door of the and I'm like no get away like trying to wave it and it was not scared of me and it just looks at me and hisses with its yellow teeth oh and I'm squatting paralyzed pooing and the full moon there and just knowing that then downstairs downstairs in my room is this weird guy who thinks people can fly and i'm like i was like i had a real out-of-body moment where i just started laughing like i was just like what is happening

the rat the poo the moon the guy and then your moon was hanging out too hanging out yeah wow i ended up telling him listen you gotta go

did you tell him about your um digestive issues.

I said I'm not feeling well and he was he probably thought he could cure it or something, but

you just need to fly.

I mean, I feel like if people could just put their minds to it and fly, there would be a lot of cases of this happening.

I know.

But then I've been listening to the telepathy tapes, and it's really messing with my like

paradigm.

So I feel like we don't know.

Maybe, you know, you hear about those guys meditating in the snow, you know, in their underwear for years.

I don't hear about them.

Oh, tell me.

No.

We have different ideas.

Have you a fortune?

I have not.

Okay,

if I hadn't heard about meditation in their underwear, I was like, there is no world this news has reached fortune.

Well, I guess I feel like I've seen things about like yogis who sit in the snow and they're basically naked and they meditate for years without eating and they're just using sunlight.

Do you think this is true?

Because I actually can't think of where I've heard this, but I just believe it.

Well, I've heard about people who claim to be oxygenarians.

Yeah.

Where they only live off of air.

And sunlight.

Yeah.

Oh.

I mean.

I didn't think that was possible.

Wouldn't that be confirmed?

Like, there should be some tests on this.

I feel like it would be the biggest Hollywood diet hack

in the world.

Right.

I mean.

Yes.

This would be, this is the same with people thinking they can fly.

Not only are you going to see it like, you know, what are those things where drones, you'd see people flying and then you'd for sure,

if, if somebody did it and they were like, I could do it again, somebody's going to get a camera out.

Like,

I have been seeing a lot of telekinesis on Instagram.

I've seen people, it's like a new thing, people practicing moving paper with their minds and stuff.

But it's just videos.

It could be fake.

But did you see the news story about the pyramids recently?

No.

What?

Thomas, back me up.

No.

What's the news?

What's the news about the pyramids?

Yeah, I only have the old information about the pyramids.

It's like

BC.

Okay, this hasn't been confirmed on the major news sites yet, but it's gathering traction.

They did a radio analysis, like an analysis deep beneath the pyramids, and they have found giant cylinders that go two kilometers deep beneath the pyramids and have like a wide

coil.

It like changes everything we thought about how they were built.

And it's like they think that these were energetic silos, like that the pyramids were some kind of energetic battery or harnessing system.

What?

And there's like these

cylinders that are on top of blocks.

Are you Googling it, Thomas?

No, no one cares.

Everyone's just like,

No, I'm not.

I did hear about this.

I didn't read further.

But that's what's so insane about the news is that Stephanie and I were just talking about this the other day, that the astronauts that finally got saved and brought back to Earth, everybody's response, like, oh, right.

Were they still gone?

They were still gone?

Yeah.

And then we're like,

we're like, huh, well, yeah,

everyone keeps commenting that her hair got gray.

And I'm like, well, yeah, the woman astronaut.

Everyone's commenting that her hair went gray.

And it's like, yeah.

But it's like, that's what happens if you're gone for nine months and you're not dying your hair like you, Tig.

How dare you?

How dare you?

This is all natural, okay?

These wrinkles, these yellow, cracked teeth, and gray hair.

All mine.

You're effortlessly handsome, though.

You just wake up, you splash water on your face, you head out the door.

That's right.

Meanwhile, Fortune's got the therapy, the

deep.

The puffer?

The depuffer.

The depuffer.

Or it should just be called the

puffer.

The depuffer.

The depuffer.

Now, Fortune, I'm just realizing you sang a very sultry song.

Do you feel insecure at all now that we know Boni Ver is our question asker?

No, I feel like I'm amongst my peers.

Hot people that can sing.

Hot people that can sing.

Well, should we hear

his response?

Yeah, 100%.

Being from a small town in Wisconsin,

I did not expect my band to take off like it did and to be traveling the world at the level that we were.

But we were getting a lot of looks from people.

It was all very surprising, but probably none more surprising than this story.

In 2012, we're running around touring, and we got an email from the people that represent the Cohen brothers, the filmmakers, who are originally from this area.

you know, I'm the biggest fan of their movies.

And to put it into perspective before I tell you this story, I made movies growing up with my friends, my sports friends, and I made movies.

And I was never allowed to be on camera because I was so bad at acting.

I was always the director.

Dot, dot, dot.

We get an email from the Cohen brothers curious if I would read

for one of their films.

And I immediately was like, there's no way in high hell that i can do this

uh i definitely am not built for this um i don't want to be any more famous than i just got

um

no

and

i thought about it i couldn't stop thinking about it for a couple days because it was just such a high honor and i started getting really confusing thoughts like maybe this is something i was meant to do or maybe i need to grow into this it's the cohen brothers you know

so they sent a script and i like had it on the road and I'm a very kind of patchy reader.

And

they wanted to have a meeting in New York.

So I, you know, I read the script, but over the course of a month, I read it once and go to the Upper West Side into, I believe it was Joel Cohen's apartment.

I was there with my brother and they asked my brother to wait outside and I thought that was kind of weird.

And

I walk in and embarrassingly now, I said, you know, hey, I'm such a huge fan.

It's so great to meet y'all.

You know, I've been really thinking about this.

I'd worked myself into such a tizzy that I went in and said, you know, I'm totally willing to move my Australia tour to do this part

and, you know, let's really make this happen.

I was trying to talk to them about Minneapolis, and they were kind of like, just, yeah, man, why don't we just sit down and read for a little bit?

Oh, my God.

In that moment, it was the most dunk-dun-dun

moment in my life.

Oh, my God.

I realized that I was in an audition and I didn't know that.

Oh my God.

I was completely paralyzed.

The movie ended up being acted by Oscar Isaac.

It's a movie called

Inside Loun Davis.

The lead side.

So I'm sitting there.

I'm a terrible actor.

I've read this thing exactly once.

And they're like, let's go to page four.

And I'm so bad.

I'm sitting kind of curled up in the couch staring at the paper like this.

Oh, my God.

They're kind of laughing.

And I knew in that moment that it was okay that they were laughing at me because I was so bad.

But anyways, it was one of those learning experiences where if something doesn't feel right to you and you're not meant to do it, maybe

just let it pass.

Trust your gut.

That's a good takeaway.

But it's also, he does have that vibe where it feels like he could pull kind of anything off.

I felt like I could watch him just read a phone book.

Yeah.

He sucked me in just even with that story.

So I'm not giving up on Justin.

Yeah.

On his acting career.

It is really funny, though, that it was the lead part.

He's like,

I'll change my tour.

I'll change my tour.

Oh my God.

The other night, I saw this ex of mine who is a writer, and she was, this is one of my favorite stories.

In the very beginning of her career,

well, and she has pitch anxiety really bad, but she's successful now, very successful.

But in the early days, when she went to pitch this movie,

oh my God, she's pitching.

She said she has like 4,000 pages, not really, but just a huge stack of pages that she has to get through with her pitch.

And she starts just feeling like the room's closing in on her, you know, in the conference room with all the people staring at her.

Oh my God,

my heart.

Yeah.

And she's like having an out-of-body experience, like, oh my God.

And her, she said, her tongue starts swelling, and she's sweating.

And she's like, oh, my God, are these my teeth?

Are these in my hands?

Is this

like, just like, what?

Like, who am I?

Am I like, and then

she said, after she starts sweating, she asks everyone in the room, she's like,

is it hot in here?

Are you guys hot?

And everybody's sitting there going, No.

She's like, oh,

I'm really hot.

And she gets up from the table.

She walks over to the

thermostat, and she said she's standing there looking at the thermostat, and she's thinking, What am I doing?

And she's trying to adjust the air.

And she said, She stood there for like, I don't know, a minute, just staring at the thermostat, going, Oh my God, I can't do this.

And then she said the door was to her left, and she just walked out the door.

Oh my God,

that's so fast.

Oh my God.

Yeah,

I really understand that because once you get to that, you've made the decision to get up and adjust the temperature in the room of someone else's office.

You know, you can't go sit back down and stay on pitch.

Me and the executives going, what just happened?

What just happened?

I'd be intrigued and impressed, though, by someone that just walked out.

Like, I'd kind of rather that than someone who stays and marks.

I would die laughing if I was the executive and the person just walks out the door no money that's really good i still think that the only reason i got feel-good commission was that because i was bombing in every pitch and in the netflix pitch the main guy at one point leaned back in his chair and then went whoa whoa like that and his chair he almost fell over and something in me like

my inner tig almost came out and I wouldn't I wouldn't drop it and I kept like coming back to it throughout the pitch and it gave me this confidence Like, and I think the fact that I was really obsessed with that moment, I think, I think that got me through it.

That made you a star.

Well, it just like humanized him in a way that I was like, okay, we're just people.

We're all fumbling.

We're fumbling through.

Well, that is so, so funny.

What, and, and what a great question.

Yeah.

Great question.

Answer.

Well, thank you, Justin.

We are all massive fans.

Massive, massive fans.

I saw, I saw him live at a festival really quick, and

you could have heard, it was outdoors, and you could have heard like a pin drop of everyone just watching this huge crowd.

And then I was crying.

Everyone's crying, deeply moved.

Unrelated.

And yeah, unrelated, yeah, yeah, just attached to it.

Unhinged.

And then I turn to my right, and my friend Joe, who I thought was equally moved because he was just really sort of meditative, I realized that he's so drunk that he's fallen asleep standing up, which is, he was holding a balloon like this.

And he was just,

well,

that's for you, Justin.

Sorry.

No, but that was just because he was drawing.

I saw him in an outdoor venue as well and I was sober, no balloons.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Very like almost a church-like experience.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Yeah.

That sexy voice like this.

Not as sexy as Fortune.

This sexy voice.

And next time, maybe one of us will have some whiskey and air our grievances.

Must still have a little nip.

Fortune behaved herself.

She's going to be worse, though.

Well, we'll wrap this up.

So listen, our live streaming show is this Saturday, April 12th.

Get your tickets now at our social media pages or dynastytypewriter.com.

And also,

if you enjoyed this episode or any other one, share this episode with your friends, family.

Let's continue to build the handsome.

Community.

There you go.

I couldn't say it because I couldn't remember the word.

But also

rate and review us, please, and subscribe to the podcast and subscribe to YouTube so you can see Fortune's sultry face and games.

And

then also May's

tinfoil hat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And let us know what question askers you'd like to hear from.

Yes.

Yeah, I'm curious who people would want to hear from.

And also, if you've gone to any of these hotels with May's top secret messages,

reach out because we got a free keychain for you.

Just waiting.

I will say, I forgot to hide one in the London hotel.

So

don't go there and look forever.

But the one at the Silver Lake Poolhouse is

cooling in.

It's still there.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Don't even go there, girl.

What do you got coming up?

Well, I have local shows at Largo and Dynasty Typewriter.

I'll also be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14th, and get all my show information and everything else you need to know about me at tignotaro.com.

Also, my friends Liz Feldman and Jesse Klein have a new incredible podcast called Here to Make Friends, produced by Mr.

Thomas.

And yeah, check that out.

I cry on that episode.

For real?

Yes.

Yes.

I'm going to listen.

I was not expecting that, but I did have a boohoo and I felt a little vulnerable.

So there you go, Liz and Jesse.

You're welcome for the numbers bump there because everyone's going to be running over to see me cry.

I got, I'm just April 25th at Largo.

And also check out MayMartinMusic.com because I'm adding some tour dates soon.

And there's cool merch.

And also, I'm really grateful to everybody who's streaming the album.

And yeah, keep doing that.

Yeah.

My tour just started.

So I am.

So far, so good.

I will have a voice.

Don't worry.

It's all good.

Even if you don't, you have your gams.

That's right.

Yeah.

I'm coming to Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Cleveland, Columbus.

Greensboro, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Grand Rapids, Minneapolis, Kansas City.

And we just added a ton of new dates for the fall that go on sale.

Well, that are on sale now.

So check those out.

What a podcast.

Yeah, what a podcast.

Until next time,

keep it in.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a

podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a hit gum podcast.

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