Lisa Gilroy asks about Handsome at The Oscars

This is a head gum podcast.

Cheers.

Hi, it's your friend Tignotaro on the podcast Handsome.

I'm sitting here with my co-host May Martin and Fortune Feemster.

Meow, meow, meow, meow, meow.

Wow.

Yeah.

That is something you have not

done before, Fortune.

Skill you have not yet.

I want you to learn something new about me in every episode.

And you can do pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, noises.

Wait, Tig,

you can do it too.

That's right, May.

What about yourself?

Pew, pew, pew.

Oh, see?

How are it?

Do it again.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Peow, pew, pew, pew, pew.

Wow.

That's even better.

If at first you don't succeed.

Peow pew again.

I'm sorry.

Fortune, can you say that quote again?

I'd like to write it down.

I would write it down.

If at first you don't succeed,

try again.

Try again.

I came up with that all by myself.

No one else.

Wow.

That's really good.

So worry, guys.

Yeah, what is shaking other than a lot of talent out of everybody?

I was sharing how my eyesight is completely going near and far.

Near and far.

Near and far.

Near shit.

It is a real situation.

I cannot see anything.

I think you got to work on.

I've been listening to the telepathy tapes.

And there's now there's all these people who they're blindfolded, but they can see through their mother's eyes or through their

through people's eyes.

I heard about this.

This is a podcast.

This is a podcast that's so like paradigm shifting.

That's basically scientists testing telepathy.

And we should test, we should test if we're connected.

I thought that's what you just did when you put your hand over your eyes.

Okay, what do you guys think?

What word do you think I'm thinking right now?

Cooter.

I was.

Are you serious?

Swear to God.

Are you serious?

I swear to you.

Why are you guys acting shocked?

Of course, that is what Fortune was thinking about.

But still, it could have been biscuits.

It could have been baking.

It was cooter.

Oh, my God, May.

It's rubbing off on you.

You two were really connected.

Okay, I'm going to think of a number from one to ten if you're listening.

That was the ultimate two against one.

I have to say that.

Yeah, that was actually.

Yeah.

Number from one to 10.

I'm sending it to you guys.

And if you're listening at home, you can also play.

And I'm screaming it at you in my head.

God, what if nobody's listening at home?

Oh, my God.

And this is all for nothing.

Okay.

Take.

The number eight.

It was eight.

No.

Well, I swear to God.

Oh, it was eight.

Fortune, what number were you going to say?

Well, I did say six.

Yeah, that is not eight.

It is very different from eight.

I guess we're not as connected as we thought, Fortune.

That's all right.

You two are connected now.

That means all of us are connected.

Okay, I'm going to do this.

Fortune, what band am I thinking of?

Indigo Girls.

Of course.

Of course.

What else would I think about?

What am I always thinking about?

The closer I am to find.

Apparently, there are kids in schools, though, who they're training.

Like, it's like a muscle you can exercise.

And the more they practice, they're getting genuinely good at guessing what color cards are being held up and stuff like that.

Seems like we don't need to practice anything.

Yeah.

I mean, we got every question right.

Stephanie and I went on

a podcast where we had to do like a dating game type thing, like a newlywed game.

And we really answered some weird questions correctly.

Oh, you did?

Thank God.

Because that would be so awkward if you knew nothing about each other.

Yeah.

Like one of the things was, what does Stephanie do that is a weird habit?

And I was like, I don't know if she's going to say this or not, but when she's in the bathtub,

she makes this hand.

And if you want to see it, head on over to YouTube.

But she makes this hand underneath the water

spout.

Oh, like a claw-shaped kind of.

What?

Don't tell people because they'd have to.

Yeah, you'd have to go to YouTube to see what we're doing.

But when the water's pouring out, she sits in the tub and does that underneath the water, huh?

Like a soothing thing?

Or she'll make a little cup.

And she guessed that was the correct.

That is, of all things, an interesting one to land on it's weird it's weird i think i've done that circle one where you you make a circle that the stream of water is like it's a cup yes yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah but the other one the this thing that you'd have to see on youtube that uh this is what i do when i speak italian yes

italiano that's what i am italiano notaro no taro yeah um i have uh

a mayfact for you guys oh I'm pretty pleased.

I feel like I haven't had one in a while.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Hatters, hatters, people who make hats, they used to use mercury to make the hats or some part of the process.

And so a lot of them were going nuts from mercury poisoning.

And that's why we get Mad as a Hatter or the Mad Hatter in Alice in Wonderland because Hatters were nuts from Mercury.

Wow, I did not know that.

Isn't that crazy?

Wait, I'm going to go ahead and press the Mayfact button.

Do you want to pretend I don't know that?

Did you know that?

No.

No, be honest with me.

Be honest with me.

You knew that?

Yes, I did know that.

Damn.

I don't believe Fortune.

Why don't you put it?

Shove it up your butt.

Okay, we just had a real technical difficulty.

And my bad.

Yeah, Fortune.

I had to put on my headset.

Turns out Fortune's internet did not go back on at 10 a.m.

today.

No, it didn't.

Yeah, it was cutting in and out.

So Fortune is now in a different place in her house, but also has a plant behind her.

So all is well.

And old Dead Eyes is snoozing up a storm.

Stop.

He is adorable and full of life.

People at my shows now are like, Tig's wrong.

And I'm like, I know.

Wait, listen.

Do you think I'm saying this dog is not adorable?

I don't know.

Do you not understand how much I love Biggie and how how adorable I think Biggie is?

Okay, now I know.

He loves creatures with dead eyes.

And I just love creatures.

You do love creatures.

You protect them.

And I love Biggie.

Hey, sweet.

Hey, sweet.

Hey, sweet.

I have no idea what we were talking about.

I don't know.

Mad Hatters.

Mad Hatters.

Oh, yeah.

I'm starting to get really overexcited about my makeup.

Made it a make act.

Yeah, you're kind of acting like a mad hatter there.

Well, if you think about it, back then they wouldn't have known that that's why all the hatters were crazy was the Mercury.

So was it just like, oh yeah, we all know that people who make hats are nuts.

And if you had to go get a hat, you'd be like, I hope I come out of this alive.

I know.

Yes.

Yeah.

But back then, you didn't even need a reason to be upset with someone.

They burned women and called them witches for no reason.

Are you talking about these days?

No.

Well.

But you would just go around

slapping someone with a glove and challenging them to a duel.

I know.

I think all the time about during the time of cavemen and women and they thems and how

cave thems.

But like when somebody was sick, imagine somebody or in any sort of pain or like somebody starts their period or whatever it is.

And you don't have words or understanding for what is happening.

How confusing that must have been.

Guess it'd be similar to like chimps or something.

Like maybe people would sort of rally round the,

or they'd just, if they were nomadic, they'd be like, leave them behind.

They didn't go P

M S.

Yeah, they didn't have English language, but they had acronyms for some reason.

P,

M, M, S.

And it goes up on the S.

O-M-P.

Hormones bad.

Hormones bad?

They're very all over the place.

Easily they can speak.

Get on HRT?

Estrogen low.

Anyway, that's my cave impression.

You guys want one more?

So I feel like my fact was slightly deflated by the technical difficulty and the fact that Fortune.

I apologize.

No, I just.

I got one more if you're interested.

Please.

Tig looked like she was about to say we're not interested.

Well,

I mean,

we're not, but you're going to do it anyway.

So let's hear it.

Thanks.

Okay.

So

yeah, thanks.

You're right.

It was rhetorical if you're interested.

Anyway, so in the old days, if you were really poor, like in Victorian times, you would sell.

your urine to leather tanners and they would use it to tan their leather and that's where the expression piss poor comes from and they would also say if they're really poor they don't even have a pot to piss in Oh, wow.

Good night, everyone.

Oh, are you going to bed?

Good night, May.

Wow.

Honk shoe, honk shoe.

But that's pretty good, right?

That's crazy.

But how did you stumble upon the mercury and the leather urine?

Was it just for this episode?

No, I was.

There was a podcast called Shit Town, and I was listening to that, and the guy in it has mercury poisoning that makes him crazy.

And so then I was Googling.

I went down a bit of a rabbit hole, and then I was learning about hatters.

Do you know a rabbit hole comes from rabbits going down a hole?

Where did you hear about this, Fortune?

Are you sure?

I thought you were going to say it comes from rabbits.

When you go down a rabbit hole.

Now, do you think that people going down so many rabbit holes these days, these rabbits are getting tired of all these people heading down there?

I think so.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That feels like a new stand-up bit for me.

It's It's good.

I feel like a tig bit.

Like it's got legs.

I mean,

you should run with that.

You should hop with that.

You should hop with that.

I'm on fire.

You're on

fur.

Fortune, did you write something down or are you petting?

I'm looking at Biggie.

Sorry.

Oh, that's okay.

Jax has been out of town for two weeks.

And it's just been he and I, the two of us.

And we have had quite the adventures.

Really?

He's gone everywhere with me.

Where have you gone?

A lot of shows.

He's been with me to a lot of shows.

Does he go on stage with you?

At the very end, because you know, he still is focused.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Some shows he's just sat in his bag.

Like at Largo, he just sat in his bag on the side of the stage and slept while I was doing myself.

Now, May, do you happen to know where Happy as a Clam comes from?

I'm glad you asked.

And no, and that's crazy.

I should know that.

And I'm sorry.

You really should.

Is it because they like when they look like they're smiling?

Okay, we're gonna have to find out.

I think it comes from the little mermaid.

Those clams when they were singing under the sea seemed very happy.

Yes, but happy as a clam

has been

downwetts wetter.

Take it from me.

I keep hearing the innuendos, and I can't stop.

Like, rabbit hole.

It's better down where it's wetter.

I can't, I can't stop.

The idiot

originates from

the water.

Happy as a clam at high water because clams are safe from predators during high tide, making them happy in that state.

And because they have big smiles on their face.

So happy as a clam at high water.

So

they're safe.

So happy as a clam, not accurate because a lot of the time at low water, for instance, the clams would be very distressed.

Anyway.

commercial.

Oh, man.

Thrive Market isn't just convenient, it's a lifesaver.

Now that school's back, you'll be wanting to stock up on all your family's must-haves, from healthy snack packs to high-protein meals to non-toxic cleaning supplies.

For me, Thrive Market has made my morning routine a little less hectic, allowing me to get out the door with the healthy, fun to eat foods that I love.

Thrive Market's groceries are high-quality and no junk.

Over a thousand sketchy ingredients restricted and all trusted by parents so you can shop worry-free.

Looking to cut out artificial dyes, processed sugar, or seed oils, Thrive Market has a ton of on-site filters so you can easily filter to your family's preferences.

I subbed out some less healthy snacks for Mavuno Harvest Organic Dried Mango, Thrive's Organic Veggie Sticks, and for a treat, Scout Organic Soft Baked Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies.

Thrive has a healthy swap scanner that makes finding substitutions effortless and stress-free.

They've got easy high-protein meals, brain-boosting lunchbox staples, and low-sugar snack packs that are kit-approved as well.

So go to thrivemarket.com slash handsome to get 30% off your first order and a free $60 gift.

It's officially September.

Cooler temps are rolling in.

And as always, Quince is where I'm turning for fall staples that actually last.

From cashmere to denim to boots, the quality holds up up and the price truly blows me away.

Quince is where you're going to find 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at just $60.

It's where you'll find premium denim at amazingly affordable prices.

Leather jackets, Quince has got them.

So give your wardrobe a refresh with some classic pieces this fall, all without the elevated price tag of other brands.

I just got the Mongolian Cashmere crew neck sweater from Quince.

A traditional retailer would sell this for $128, but Quince has it for $50.

That's right.

they've got fun fall colors too, like a rich burgundy, true navy, and moss.

It feels so luxurious, and it's perfect for layering with a button-up for a crisp autumnal look.

Keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash handsome for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-in-ce-e.com/slash handsome.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash handsome.

I'm I'm Peter Sagal.

NPR is very serious, mostly.

It treats newsmakers with all due respect, almost all the time.

It brings you the most important information about the issues that really matter, usually.

And it never asks famous people about things they don't know anything about, except once in a while.

Join us for the great exception.

Listen to Wait, Wait, Don't Tell Me, the news quiz from NPR.

So, Fortune, part of the telepathy tapes talks a lot about dogs having telepathy with their owners and like knowing when the owner's is coming home, the dog will come, go sit by the door.

But this might be a good time for you and Biggie to practice.

He's asleep right now.

Mostly

he's thinking about treats.

Right.

He always sits by the door and waits for us to come home.

We look in the camera and I'm like, go sleep, go chill.

But he cannot.

He goes right by that door, sits and waits and howls.

The whole time you're gone?

The whole time.

It smells me out.

Oh, no.

So that's why I'm taking him.

Yeah.

When do you ever leave him at home?

I mean, you know, if you dinner, if you go to dinner or something, you know.

Why would you go to dinner?

I know.

I don't like to leave him very much, but I do sometimes.

Do you ever have a dog sitter?

We're never gone for longer than a couple hours, so he's okay.

Yeah.

It's just, he's a spoiled boy.

Yeah.

Do you think I should get a dog?

I'm really thinking about it.

I know we've talked about this before, but I don't know.

No,

I want an older dog.

Did you say no?

I don't know because Mae travels a lot.

But these dudes feel like half a dog.

I travel a ton, but Jack stays home with them.

Why don't you get a tiny dog?

Yeah, don't get a big dog.

I think I like big dogs.

Would you get a boy or a girl?

I'd get a they.

Oh, yeah.

Make that decision for it.

Yeah.

No, I'd get like a medium-sized older dog that no one's going to rescue that's in the pound or whatever.

And then I would

maybe have joint custody with my friend Atlanta.

That would be good.

Sharing a dog.

Yeah, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Because you guys aren't going to break up or anything.

Exactly.

Exactly.

And you'd be like, oh, this week I'm going to Toronto.

Can you watch Foo Foo?

And Atlanta wants a dog?

Well, it wouldn't be called Foo Foo.

Atlanta does also want a dog.

Oh, okay.

Well, this works out perfectly.

Little bunny foo foo.

I don't want to see you hopping through the forehearts and getting and bopping him in the head.

Is that the final recording?

No, there's a part that I can't remember.

You guys never heard this?

I've never heard that song.

Little bunny foo foo, I don't want to see you.

Oh, wait, hopping through the forest.

Through the forest,

picking up the

mice and bopping them on the head.

Wait.

And then

something says

something, something.

And then somebody comes in and they do something.

Well, I'm into the plot, the plots hooked me, but I don't remember anymore.

But wait, nobody said they ate them.

It's that they bopped him on the head, picking up the field mice and bopping them on the head.

That doesn't mean eating.

But why would a rabbit do that?

If not to subdue it before.

Frustrated for everybody being down in the rabbit hole with them.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just finally coming up and be like, uh-uh.

And also, who is the singer saying, I don't want to see you to the rabbit?

You know what I mean?

Well, let me look it up.

The Wiggles sing a version of this.

Okay.

Little bunny foo-foo hopping through the forest, scooping up the field mice and popping them on the head.

Down came the good fairy, and the good fairy said, Little bunny foo-foo, I don't want to see you.

Scooping up the field mice and popping them on the head.

I'm going to give you three chances, and then I'm going to turn you into a goon.

I don't remember goon.

Do you guys remember that?

Well, May isn't even familiar with

I have a lot of questions about who the

Australian.

I don't know.

Are you into another Australian tandem?

Do you think they know Keith Irvin?

No.

Oh, my God.

Keith Irvin should cover that song, though.

I know.

If you guys are in for a treat, because on one of our pre-look episodes,

we

go

deep into our Australian accents.

It was

honestly some of Mina Tig's best work.

It came out last week.

If you didn't listen to that prelo episode, I think you should.

Oh yes.

The three of us are on there and there might be a rendition of one of Nicole Kidman's greatest works.

And one of Keith Irvin's greatest works as well.

You're right, my friend.

And I would say it's one of Handsome's greatest works as an episode.

Yeah.

Should we get into our question?

I'd love to.

I think we should.

I'm really excited.

This is

one of my fellow countrymen.

Never use that expression.

Today's question asker is a Canadian actor, comedian, and YouTuber known for her hilarious online videos.

She's appeared on Brooklyn 99, Jury Duty, Glamorous, and Interior Chinatown.

Lisa Gilroy is asking today's question.

Nice.

Hi, handsome.

It's Lisa.

Okay, here's my question for you.

The year is 2052, and you're at the Oscars.

Congratulations, honey.

And there's a biopic about you and your life.

And the lead actor who plays you has just been nominated for an Academy Award.

And they say, so-and-so, nominated for Life of So-and-so.

And they cuts to the big screen at the Oscars, and it plays a clip from the movie.

A dramatic clip, probably, but who knows.

And so I want to know what's the clip from your life that plays and who is the actor that just got nominated for playing you?

Love you.

Oh my god, I can't believe she just told me that she loved me.

It was funny.

I was not expecting Lisa Gilroy to tell me that she loved me.

I know, and then she kissed us all.

She kissed us all.

Well, no, kissed me.

Oh, it was just

you.

Whoa.

Okay, I didn't pick up on that.

No, well.

I haven't been kissed in a long time.

You haven't?

I'm coming over for it too.

As soon as I'm back, I need some sugar.

As soon as I'm back.

Well, you know what?

I kissed you on Valentine's Day.

That's right.

Never mind.

I take it back.

Oh, yeah.

So you got to get back in person again.

So we know.

Go huddle puddle.

Delightful.

If only May would come home.

May come home.

I'm away.

Nobody liked that as much as

you're in Canada where they're so mad at us right now, but we didn't do anything.

Other people did.

Yeah.

I think I like that song I just wrote because it sounds like,

what's that one?

I've been out walking.

I don't do too much talking these days.

These days.

They sound like that.

I sound exactly like her.

Why do they sound like that?

That's just her voice.

Yeah.

It's no little bunny foo-foo.

Is there a documentary about Nico?

Who is Nico?

Oh my gosh!

She was in the 60s.

She was in the 60s.

She was in the 60s, you know.

Fortune, go down your own rabbit hole and find out.

Does she sing all the leaves are brown?

No,

she just picked a random song from

All the Leaves Are Brown and This Guy is Gay?

And this guy is gay.

This guy is gay and warm.

If I was in LA,

if I was in LA,

California dreaming.

This guy is gay on such a winter's gay.

This guy is good.

Okay.

1952, it's the author, or not 1952, 2052.

It's the authority.

2052.

That's 1852.

Yeah.

That means someone old's going to.

Wait.

Yeah.

Can they play us soon?

This is tough because it's like, are we picking?

an actor who's now in the middle of the year?

In 30 years?

I'm 54.

Right.

I'm going to be in my 80s and I have to wait that long.

I'm going to make an amendment that someone's playing me soon.

Yeah, let's pretend it's next year's Oscars.

And I want to know what clip they're showing, what scene.

I like that part of the question from your life.

That is like the Oscar winning.

clip.

Yeah.

Let's hear it, guys.

What you got?

Well, any thoughts on actors, first of all?

For me, it would be Timothy Chalamet.

That's a good one.

Yeah.

And he's, you know, I think he could do it.

Sure, he could.

Ail it.

He'd go method for years.

And I kind of sing like Bob Dylan, you know?

Yeah.

How many rules must the man walk down?

Okay, it's Chalamet, and he's playing you at, it's your life story.

So he's playing you kind of from birth to.

As a little girl.

Yeah.

And then as an old lesbian yeah yeah

i've been dying to see him play an old lesbian yeah me too he only plays young lesbians and what scene do you think would be like the most dramatic pivotal scene that they would use yeah give us your best um nicole kidman level acting nicole kidman plays uh stephanie allen

oh that's interesting it's timothy chalamet and nicole kidman oh i like this Except it's reversed, you know, because I am older than Stephanie.

Yeah, well, it's sort of like

who cares?

We can take creative license.

That's right.

Yeah.

So it's me and Nicole Kidman.

And it is the moment

that

I don't know.

I haven't really had any dramatic moments in my life.

I think I'm going to say

you've had the most dramatic moments in your life.

I haven't been on death's door 17 times in the past month.

Let's see.

What?

I don't know.

I'm curious.

Can you guys throw out a dramatic moment for me?

Our first episode.

Probably one of the times you were in the hospital, right?

Yeah.

Like something from your dock.

And Stephanie's visiting.

Yeah.

And

you don't know if you're going to make it.

And let's see what else.

And also, the water bill has to get paid.

I was thinking more about when your cat scratched you.

Viciously.

That's really good.

My cat did scratch my stomach.

And playing the cat is Judy Dench.

Judy Dench plays the cat.

Remember in cats, they did that terrible makeup and stuff.

And so Judy Dench as the cat.

Okay.

We have three cats.

Who plays the other two?

Thomas and Thomas.

His wife.

All right.

Thomas is married.

Thomas is.

Oh, I know what it is.

It's when I, after I, um, was, uh,

I,

I had a cyst burst on a blood vessel, and I was bleeding internally

right after I stepped.

I was on, after I had cancer, I was on this medication that my body was really struggling with.

I get off stage, and my childhood friend that I had not seen since I was 18 shows up in Philadelphia with his wife.

And we say hello in the lobby by the merch booth because we were all going to go.

Stephanie happened to be with me.

We were all four going to go

out for a drink.

And I'm like, I go,

and I'm a bit of a germaphobe.

And Stephanie was like, I knew something was terrible, terribly wrong because I could see you that you were about to collapse.

and I could see you're looking around to see how gross the floor was before you went down.

Oh my God.

That is important.

I collapse after truly saying hello to them.

Wow.

On the ground.

This is hilarious.

I'm on the ground and because it was on a blood vessel, I was like struggling to breathe immediately.

I was like, oh, Jesus.

And the security guard, carries he tells Stephanie, pull the car around.

The hospital's two blocks away.

It'll be faster for you to drive her.

He carries me out the front door of the theater, and the audience is still beaming.

Oh my god.

And so carried out like a baby several times.

Several times.

He carries me out and puts me in the

car.

You're like, thanks for coming.

Buy some merch.

I could not breathe.

I was like,

and I was telling Stephanie, I said, if they can't, I said, if they can't see me immediately, just shoot me behind the barn.

I was in so much pain.

Yeah, I was like, just shoot me behind the barn.

And so we get to the

hospital and I went in for surgery,

stomach surgery to drain all the blood out of me.

And they were like, this will just take

max 30 minutes.

I was in there for, because they thought it was just a minor issue.

Yeah.

And I go in over three hours.

Stephanie's sitting there waiting for me.

And he comes out.

Three-hour surgery.

Yeah.

Three-hour surgery.

You had so many ailments.

And then I had to stay at the Philadelphia Airport Hotel to recover because I could not do anything.

Yeah.

And I was in a diaper in front of.

We weren't even engaged.

Oh, my God.

You weren't even engaged?

Your name should definitely be you in a diaper.

Yeah.

Because Timothy's winning with Oscar.

Yes.

Oh, and your friend is played by

Lynn Miranda Manuel.

Okay, Lynn Manuel.

Miranda.

Manuel, Miranda.

And also, Stephanie/slash Nicole Kidman is following me around because I had to walk slowly to regain my strength.

Yeah.

Stephanie was following me around, videotaping me in my diaper.

Oh, my God.

And that's when I was like, she's the one for me.

We were laughing so hard.

Oh my God, absolutely.

Anyway, that's why.

That is an Oscar-winning scene right there.

You and a dipe.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And Nicole Kinman's filming Timothy Chalamet in a diaper.

Crinkle, crinkle, crinkle, walking around in the diaper.

But she's like on an ottoman, like, and the sun's like coming through the window onto her as she's like cutely recording.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And she's like, you look really great

in that

tig.

And the Oscar goes to

Timothy Timothy Chalamay.

Everybody in the situation.

And he comes up.

Tigoty.

Tigothy Chalamay.

And he gets up to exception.

He's like, yo, I know this is not cool to say, but I tried really hard for this movie.

And I'm really, I did my best.

Tig's one of the greats.

I wanted to be one of the greats, too.

Hey, that was pretty good, Timothy, right?

That sounds really good.

That was really good.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That was very good.

And the Oscar goes to May Martin as Tiggoty.

Playing Tigoty Chalamay.

All right, let's hear yours.

That's hard to find.

Very hard to top.

Yeah, mine won't be that good.

I already know I'm going to bomb you.

You can just throw a diaper on yourself in any scene.

Oh, that's true, actually.

Yeah, yeah.

And so whatever scene you tell us, we're going to throw a diaper on it.

Okay, well, that kind of works.

It's very funny with what I was thinking, which is, okay.

So Macaulay Culkin now is

playing me

because he's got this kind of like boyish energy, but also he's seen a lot.

You know, it looks like he's been through a lot.

Yeah.

And is that how you see yourself?

That's how I feel.

Okay, because you don't have a look of like, wow, May has seen a lot.

I know he's seen a lot.

I don't look haunted.

But maybe if we throw a diaper on you.

Exactly.

I just went to an Oscar party.

Yeah.

And he was there and I walked out

with him.

We walked out at the same time he and his wife were walking out and he seemed very fun and playful.

So it's a good match.

I love that.

If anybody knows Macaulay Calkin.

Okay, and the scene is obviously an orgy.

And this is how the movie opens.

The movie opens with an orgy.

It's Macaulay Calkin as me in a diaper.

And the camera pans in, and then it freezes mid-orgy, and then voiceover comes in.

I know what you're thinking.

This seems

kind of crazy or something like that.

I'll write it on the bottom.

Are you going to do the voiceover?

Like

a Ferris Bueller.

Yes, Yes, and

you have to do a voiceover where you didn't write it.

You're just kind of freezing.

Improvising it.

Yeah, improvising the voiceover.

Go on.

Hey, guys, this is the start of my movie.

Looking at me now, you're probably thinking, wow, what a life.

An orgy in a diaper.

But what you don't know is I'm dead inside.

And then it zooms in on my eyeball, and then it goes right back to my birth.

And

I come out of my mom's scooter, and then the doctor takes me, and then it freezes again, and it zooms in on the baby's face.

And the baby's voice goes, I kind of have a crush on that doctor.

Wow.

May,

I have good and bad news for you.

Yeah, yeah.

I think this is more of a GLAD award.

Yeah, you go.

Oh, yeah, I do.

What?

You don't think it lives up to mainstream?

I don't know if it's going to take home the Oscar.

Maybe we can shift it into an Oscar performance.

Yeah, how?

Someone dies at the party.

And it's the orgy.

Yeah.

It's your best friend.

Maybe orgies to death.

Oh, my God.

I just get

stuck under a pile of people.

Guys, let me out.

I can't breathe.

No, I think the drama, it's like

that Kieran Culkin movie that won all the awards, which I haven't seen, but I think it's like a small relationship-you drama.

Like nothing big has to happen.

I just,

it's about, you know, my inner child.

Life in a diaper.

Life in a diaper.

That's the name.

Life in a diaper.

Life in a diaper.

If you want that Oscar, you gotta put that up.

But I do get we should try and get a question from Macaulay Culkin because I do, I feel like my gender is very identified with him ever since he was a child actor.

I've been like, that guy.

Ever since he went, ah,

exactly.

And then I have some news.

I just saw that movie for the first time this last Christmas.

Home Alone?

Yes.

What are you talking about?

Gosh, I had never seen it.

Such a class.

Do I have to explain?

I don't watch a lot of things.

And what'd you think?

I thought it was great, but I think that I was much older.

When that came out, I wasn't.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Like, I, I just missed it.

And I was like, okay.

And then my kids are obsessed.

with that movie.

And this Christmas, I sat and watched it with them.

And I was like, all right,

you win.

It's a great movie.

I re-watched it this year as well around Christmas.

And I was like, oh, I forgot how crazy violent it is, but in like a Looney Tunes way.

Like, yeah, I love it.

And aren't there like 17 sequels?

Yes, there are.

Yeah.

Home Alone 2 is amazing with Tim Curry and the Pigeon Lady.

And then they switched kids and it got a little.

Oh, I didn't know that.

Crazy.

Huh.

All right, Fortune, break our hearts.

Yeah.

Well, obviously, I'm going to be played by Charlize Therone.

Yes.

Obviously, we knew.

We knew.

Not Monster Charlie's Therome.

Let's

calm down, everyone.

Yeah.

And not Buzz Cut Charlize.

We're talking

clamorous.

We're talking Cider House Rules, Charlie's.

Yeah.

Curly hair.

Yeah.

Right?

Gorgeous.

Yeah, definitely gorgeous.

And wait, that's the end of the movie?

Yeah, she's just gorgeous.

She's just gorgeous.

For an hour and a half.

She's just gorgeous.

It's probably an old-timey movie.

because she does period pieces, like um, like kind of that same era of cider house rules.

Like, but it's your life story, Fortune.

Yeah, but it's we're gonna pretend that, like, that's a time period,

the 80s, yeah.

No, it's gotta be like the 60s, and I'm a closeted lesbian.

Wait, but this is your life, this is your bio.

Maybe this is like in your family tree.

We're going to, it's like the prequel, the fourth.

We see ginger is a little bit of a girl.

It's actually my grandmother.

Ah, yes.

But she's young at this point.

And gorgeous.

And gorgeous.

I don't actually come into the movie until the very end when I'm born.

And you come out two steps in.

So the movie's about my grandma.

And yeah, Charlize is like trying to fit in, you know, to be the

feminine woman looking for a husband.

Yeah.

So we're saying your grandma was closeted.

yeah why not let's say it die could

never hear that i don't know that she was but she was really close with one of her friends you never know were they quote unquote travel companions um they did hang out a lot and my grandma's husband died when she was like 48 or something and she never remarried okay but you do know

the the phrase travel companions no yes oh that's like that's what they called yeah top secret lesbians oh i don't think she actually This is my travel companion.

I don't think she actually ever did anything, but I could see a world in which

she could have been, maybe.

I don't know.

But when's the diaper?

When does the diaper go?

Oh, because you're born and then you're putting a diaper.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yes.

There you go.

But basically,

Charlie's is engaged to a man and then meets

a woman and starts wearing pants and drives a convertible.

Starts wearing pants in the 60s out or 50s.

Maybe it was the 50s.

That was a big deal.

They have a love affair, kind of like Carol.

I'm picturing Carol.

Kind of like Carol.

But it can't work because I have to be born.

You know what I mean?

So the only way for that to happen is for her to be with the man.

And so the irony is that she had to give up her great love

in order to keep the family line going

for me to, her gay granddaughter to be born.

I've never seen her.

Give me the Oscar.

Where is the diaper?

At the end?

At the end, when I'm born, okay.

And then, oh, wait, my mom has to be born first.

Oh, no, boy.

That has to be boring.

But

can she name her baby after her lover that she couldn't have?

She couldn't be.

Yes, exactly, May.

She's so taking this Oscar home.

Yeah.

Are you going to be a bad person?

I don't know.

Mine's pretty compelling because

then the grandma's like,

once I get older and I'm in umbros

and riding my bike,

Charlize is like, I did this all for you.

So you could be who you are.

So you could walk around in your life.

The Oscar speech that's going to come with this monologue that Charlize has.

Yeah.

It's going to blow your mind.

And then she's going to die.

at some point and

have a life unfulfilled.

Maybe.

You're going to aid Charlize.

I'm kind of not following this story anymore.

But it's worth it because

thank you for your pitch.

We will be in touch if we

swear to God.

Don't be a hater because I'm winning this Oscar because of the monologue I write, Charlie's.

What if all three of us are up for the Oscar at the same time?

Our bio plays.

Wow.

Well, we are going to also be hosting the Oscars.

Oh, yeah.

Hosting and nominated.

Hosting and nominated is real.

And I'll be like, oh, click, click, click my back.

Did I tell you guys?

My movie's actually pretty good.

I want to get it made.

Did I tell you guys this when you said about top dancing that Fred Astair, when he did Singing in the Rain, when they filmed that, he had a fever of 103 degrees?

Oh, I never knew that.

That's impressive.

May fast.

That's why they call it a fever dream.

Sure.

Is it?

Should we listen to

old

Lisa Gilroy's answer?

Yeah, let's hear what she has to say.

Okay, here's my answer.

I think Chloe Grace Moratza is playing me if I'm lucky, if I'm lucky.

And the scene is absolutely me just like right after I found out I didn't make my college in Roth team like sobbing in my sister's car.

Like, this is it for me.

I'm never going to zip-zaps up again.

Zip-zaps up.

That's

the traumatic climax of Lisa's life.

That's part.

Where is the diaper?

There's no diaper.

Yeah, again, she's not going to win an Oscar for that.

Because there's no diaper.

But there's no doubt.

And she's not going to win a GLAD award either.

Could she win an Independent Spirit Award?

Maybe.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No, she's not.

Because she can't zip zap zop again.

I mean, Chloe's pretty great as an actor.

Chloe is amazing.

And we should get her on.

Isn't Chloe a lesbian?

She is.

Got a wife, I think.

How can we all the lesbians haven't been on our

homophobic?

No, yeah, right.

I forgot that we made the rule that no lesbians allow.

Yeah.

And I love that Fortune genuinely is like, no, we're not.

Tig,

we're crazy.

And it's actually that

we find out that Thomas is really homophobic and he's just been filtering out all the queer.

There's not one mention of us being gay ever.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And he's dubbed over every time we mention mentioned husband.

She dubs over.

Every time I say cooter, it says wiener.

Diaper.

Love wieners.

Well, I loved hearing that.

I want to see all those movies.

I'm really pumped about my movie.

I can't wait for Charlize to play my grandma.

I know.

By the way, guys, congrats ahead of time on these Oscar nominations.

Yeah.

Do you think we'll get one of those fancy gift bags with the free trips?

Is that what what they they have free trips in the yeah those gift bags if you get nominated you get like all this stuff okay well when i was nominated for a grammy

now i'm motivated

when i was nominated for a grammy yeah well i got a whole package but i got uh tickets to see the jackson four

oh

they really were calling themselves no they're just the jacksons but and they put that in the grammy gift thing

yeah yeah.

And it was, it was in Vegas, and um,

you know, look, I really enjoyed the Jackson 5, um, but the Jacksons, you know, you just kind of feel like something's missing, yeah.

And like, you've got this, the whole story of their lives in your head, yeah,

and your cyst bursts inside halfway through.

No, I actually wasn't bleeding that time, I was just out having a

Stephanie and I had a fun Vegas weekend.

Oh, you went!

And we did go.

And we went and saw the Jacksons.

Amazing.

Yes.

But it just was a feeling of something is missing.

Right.

But anyway, talented guys.

Yeah.

No doubt.

No question.

Oh my gosh.

When they were their flair as kids, their style, their

everything

was so off the charts.

It's insane.

But we all know that.

Anyway, moving on, I want to say that was a very fun episode.

And And

thanks for saying so.

Yeah, absolutely.

And hey, Tig.

Why did you just blow me a kiss, Fortune?

One finger kiss.

Is that one for me?

Yeah, that's for you.

Wait, why?

I was about to go into promoting things.

And why are you blowing kisses?

You seem high.

This is me from the Oscar podium.

Wait, are you drunk again, Fortune?

Fortune, you seem like maybe you got a hold of piña coladas again.

That was fun.

I think I actually do want to do another episode where I drink something.

I think we all should.

Well, here's what I think should happen: I think we should go put this on the list, Thomas, on a tropical vacation together.

Oh, yes.

And leave.

Oh, wait.

And all three of me in bikinis.

Oh, my God.

Sitting out.

Come on, man.

Oh, my God.

Okay, we would have bikini bottoms.

We have bikini bottoms.

What if we had...

Fortune's got the jugs.

So Fortune has to wear bikini tops.

I've got the jugs.

What if we had a handsome cruise?

Oh, that we should talk about.

With the indigo girls.

And Melissa Etheridge.

Yeah.

The gayest cruise ever.

I would love it.

Okay.

But wait, we have to go back and really acknowledge how funny it is that Fortune has the jugs of the trio.

Oh my gosh.

I cannot even explain what Fortune just did with her jugs.

I don't think I've ever done that moment.

I hope that it never happens again.

Fortune.

That was something.

Oh my gosh.

All right.

So listen, what I was going to say before Fortune got trashed and started blowing kisses and manhandling her jugs.

That's what I do

when the Oscar.

One finger kiss to both of you.

Okay.

To the losing nominees.

Your tickets to our live stream on April 12th.

Okay.

Austin is going to be the show that has the surprise for Fortune and May.

I am presenting a surprise to them.

So you for sure don't want to miss this live stream.

April 12th, get your tickets.

Uh, and I promise you, this surprise is going to be off the charts.

Oh, my God!

Yes!

And

you can watch from anywhere in the world, and the link lasts for one week.

Yeah, so go to our social media pages or dynastytypewriter.com and join us.

It's going to be a party.

My tour is starting April 4th.

A whole new hour

show I'm doing.

I start in Savannah, Georgia, then Charleston, South Carolina, Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Cleveland, Columbus, Greensboro, North Carolina, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh, Grand Rapids, Minneapolis, St.

Louis, Kansas City, so many places.

I'm going to be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14th.

And then you can also find me.

Well, I'll be in P-Town August 23rd.

And then

my

documentary that I produced, Come See Me in the Good Light, which won Sundance and then now just won the Boulder International Film Festival as well as the top favorite film of both of these festivals.

It's insane.

This movie is going to very select festivals, but you should for sure check this movie out.

It is so absolutely beautiful.

Also, check Tignotaro.com for local shows in LA or maybe even Toronto when I go back.

I'll be working out my new stuff and that's what's going on with me.

I am at Largo April 25th in LA and

I've been popping up.

Check my social media and then also

check out MaymartinMusic.com and stream my album, please, my Earnest Serious Music album on Spotify or Apple Music.

It's really exciting that people are sharing it.

That's great.

Love it.

Yeah.

And definitely share episodes with friends.

And look, I know we talk about this, but really, stop what you're doing right now and subscribe.

Hit subscribe.

Subscribe to us.

Also, subscribe to YouTube so you can see Fortune Man handling her own knockers.

Knocker.

And until next time,

keep it handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a

podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a hit gum podcast.

Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking All State First.

Like you know to check the local neighborhood trees for free fruit when it's in season.

Just ask permission if you're going to go into someone's backyard.

Checking first is smart, so check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with Allstate.

Savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.