Pretty Little Episode #32

This is a head gum podcast.

Pretty little episode.

Every time it startles me.

You know what?

I was going to say that was the very first time it didn't startle me.

Really?

Because I remembered it was going to be different.

It was going to sound different.

You were prepping yourself.

Yeah.

This is going to sound different.

And it doesn't sound like the three of us saying pretty little episode.

No, I think it's because I went too deep on, I went pretty little episode, and I should have gone.

And I went pretty little episode.

Yeah,

that's what happened.

Like Marcel Lachelle.

With shoes on.

With shoes on.

I always forget that one.

Yeah.

How do you miss the most important part?

I mean, that is, that's a good name.

If, if I had really thought about it and been more organized with naming children, I would have named one of my sons Marcel the Shell with shoes on.

Yeah.

Or like if we had qualifiers attached to our names, like it would be May the comedian with

with short hair.

It's not as good.

That's good.

Or with oatmeal tattoo.

Yeah, May the comedian with old oatmeal or with a sleazy gold chain.

Yep.

What would yours be?

I would be um oh, I almost copied Jenny and called me.

I call, I almost call myself,

is it Tig the Shell?

Oh, the comedian.

Okay.

See, in my head, it was Tig the Shell with slippers on.

And

I'm okay with that.

Tig the Shell with slippers on.

Yeah, I like that a lot.

Yeah.

How are you?

Sorry to interrupt.

Oh, I was just talking more about the shell and shoes and stuff.

But

I was just wondering how you are.

I'm doing well.

I've been home now for

a little over a month and I've just been walking around the house singing I'm normal doing normal things in my normal life and I love it so much.

Like that's so nice.

Yeah, it's incredible to get up and drive Max and Finn to school and then

have coffee, take a walk with Stephanie and just chat.

We'll chat for like an hour or something and then, you know, I'm craving that normalcy.

Like, I'm craving having access to all my clothing options, too.

Like, I've just had the same options for a month and I can't wait to get home and just be able to wear a different pair of jeans, you know?

Yeah.

It would definitely be nice to see you in a different pair of jeans.

I know.

I know.

I mean, I am so deeply sick of those jeans you've been wearing.

I know, and you can't even see them.

They're cut off screen, but you can sense that they're cutting them.

I can sensor there and I'm sick and tired of them.

Well, I tried to I thought maybe you might enjoy this zip sweater, this like three-quarter zip.

Yeah.

I wouldn't usually wear, I usually wear a hoodie, don't I?

Well, that's really nice.

You thought I'd appreciate it because it seems like I'd wear it?

Yeah, it felt like a very tag garment, and you know,

it was just going to be you and me, and I wanted to impress.

Well,

it's been done here.

I am very impressed, and I would like it as a hand-me-down, please.

Oh, great.

Okay.

Yeah.

When you grow up older than me which will never happen when i was little i used to think um

i couldn't wait until i was older than my brother i was gonna like beat him i was gonna like get older than him yeah it didn't happen

no

oh well well well

look who just

popped in went all rogue and uh popped into our

pretty little episode.

I feel like we've been taking it away from me.

Cheating, yeah.

You feel caught cheating?

Yeah, I kind of feel like, hey, we weren't having that much fun, Fortune, I swear.

Feels like we were.

Feels like you were.

Yeah, we were.

What are you guys talking about?

Oh, I was talking about how I've been doing normal things.

I wrote this hit song called, I'm Doing Normal Things in My Normal Life, and I'm just a normal person

just because it feels good to be home and just taking Max and Finn to school and taking a walk.

And

I'm happy for you, bud.

Well, thank you.

I'm just, I'm not, um, I'm not in Toronto anymore, and I am in Toronto.

This is, we are crazy, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And my song that I walk around singing is, I'm still away.

I crack myself up, and I'm really glad that Fortune left.

Never be home.

I'm hanging in my kitchen with my kudara.

what

what was that

response

fortune marie I don't know tig Marie okay look at my mug it says Ford

what does that mean other than like a car I don't know why do I have a mug that has Ford on it

Where did this come from?

I don't know, but that was a very like

Aunt Fortune thing to say.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My mug says Ford.

It could say Ford.

Oh, yes.

You know what my mug says?

What?

Ask me about my cat.

Does it actually say that?

It does.

Oh, my God.

So how is your cat?

Well, yeah, that's the vibe.

And, you know, when people are visiting from out of town,

I'll just be drinking out of my mug and then I'll point to it and I'll be like,

and I'll point, you know, and then they'll be like, oh, how's your cat?

Or I'll do it to Stephanie, you know, I'll be like, excuse me.

We haven't asked in a while.

Handsome mugs would say, ask me about my cooter.

Ask me about my cooter.

That's a great idea.

That's a great word.

Yeah.

I went and did that podcast the other day,

Office Ladies.

Oh, yeah.

About the office.

That's right, Fortune.

What are you?

A detective?

And

that's my monocle.

When I walked in, the engineer or producer, editor, somebody had a little cowboy hat on.

No, what?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's amazing.

I have my, oh, wait, I don't.

I thought I had my handsome sweatpants on.

Are you pantless right now?

Yes.

Asked me about my cooter.

I just realized that would be a good response to the Smartless podcast: pantless.

That's true.

And everyone doesn't wear pants.

That's how it works.

That's exactly right, Fortune.

And when we record it, our cameras are just pointed at our bottom halves.

Yes.

Top halves are off camera.

And we hold the mics to our butts and we make it seem like our butts are doing the podcast.

I don't know how long of a shelf life this

podcast has.

It feels career ending, to be honest.

I feel like you would shoot to number one or number two.

Okay.

Hello.

Oh, my word.

Should we get to some listener questions?

Yeah.

Also,

I can't believe Fortune barged in on our episode.

Yeah,

I swear to God.

Okay, go ahead.

Hello, handsome friends.

My name is Harmony.

I'm here in Nashville, Tennessee.

I heard your podcast talking about

wanting

Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman to come to your show at the Ryman.

And if anybody knew them, to let them know.

So I see him on a regular basis

and

he just happened to come into my work today with his daughter.

And I told him all about you guys and your handsome podcast and that you are coming to the Ryman

and how much you guys love him and Nicole.

and that he should check y'all out and he should go to the show.

So

Stop in and say, You're welcome.

And if I had a question, it would be:

Can I take you all out to lunch in Nashville?

And answer that would be yes.

Let's see if Keith comes through first.

I mean, Fortune Marie.

When I heard that, I realized that I was taking it as confirmed that he's coming.

I was too.

I was like hanging on.

Like, we didn't get any sort of information about did he seem interested?

Did he care?

was he like oh my god tignotaro you guys pretend you uh you're harmony real quick telling keith i'm keith urban i've just come into your shop take you be nicole kidman too oh yeah okay oh my god um you came back to baskin robbins um keith

narr yeah

nicole you don't have rise of blides in the size crime do you're a huge fan i don't know if you guys are familiar with the handsome podcast, but

would you like to comment?

You should be on their show.

No, Nar.

Nar.

No,

no.

Good night.

Good night, Mike.

Good night, Mike.

Oh, my God.

I think that's probably how it went down.

Yeah.

Wait, why does she see Keith Urban every day?

I bet she's a hairdresser.

He would go every day.

He's got an amazing head of hair.

He sure does.

In answer to the second part of her question, I would 1 million percent go for lunch with her.

Okay.

I mean, not in a weird way.

I just want to know the local spots.

I want to see

what's Texas food like.

Well, it's Nashville.

Oh, oh,

oh, fuck.

Nashville.

I'm going to go out to lunch in Nashville to see what Texas food is like.

Oh, my God.

I don't know.

There might be a Texan restaurant in Nashville.

He's got a Texas barbecue around this

place.

What Keith doesn't know is that I know how to two-step really well to one of his songs.

Which song?

There's a new thing.

I know that's.

i want to love somebody

love somebody like you i'm a great two-stepper to that song god that's a good song that's a really good song and really good honestly tig if you saw me two-step into it with those gams with these gams

no pants on you would fortunate turned on i'm telling you bud Really?

I'm telling you, Pod.

I'm telling you, bud, you'd really want a piece of this.

You guys,

all the people listening, I don't toot my horn often, but toot, toot.

I can two-step.

I actually feel like you toot horns like nobody's business.

I'm always like, fortune put the horn down.

Y'all.

But wait, can you only two-step to that song?

No, that's just a really good one to two-step to because

it follows the rhythm of the two-step, but it's upbeat.

And do you lead?

I lead, and

I'm also a very good salsa dancer.

So I incorporated salsa moves, like spins and stuff, into the two-step thing.

Are you ever going to go on dancing with the celebrities?

Dancing with the celebrities.

Are you?

They've never asked.

I don't know because I don't know.

I would only really know how to be the boy parts.

I think they would do that.

These days, aren't they mixing it up sometimes?

Maybe.

You could dance with a woman and do bunch of a lot of physical fitness.

But you'd be incredible.

I actually would be pretty good.

Oh, my God.

Let's get Fortune on Dancing with the Celebrities.

Yeah.

It's a new show.

Yes.

But anyway, I used to go to Oil Can Harry's,

the Gay Country Western Bar, and two-step a bunch, but now I need a new place.

Is two-stepping...

Sorry.

I'm sorry to ask.

Slow, slow, quick, quick, slow, slow, slow.

Slow, quick, quick, slow.

Yeah, I can picture that.

That's the rhythm.

Okay.

But I turn people, spin them.

I do all these moves.

May, pretty great.

Wow.

Let's go out.

Okay.

Wait, are you asking Fortune out?

No, like.

Well, I think Fortune has been subtly insinuating that she wants to take me out with all this talk.

May, you should see it.

I turn people.

Yeah, I turn all the straits, gay.

With your two-step.

Yeah, so straights, watch out.

I want to love somebody.

Love somebody

Well, Keith, come through.

Yeah, Keith, come through.

Come on, Keith.

I introduced Nicole Kidman at an award ceremony once.

You can drop that to her.

That's something.

Yeah.

What did she say?

No.

We were just standing quietly next to each other behind the curtain.

It's so awkward.

Yeah, it was just me and Nicole Kidman, who is already a tall drink of water.

If you've heard, if you've seen my Hello Again special, I talk about, I think she's six feet, and

she had on really high heels.

And I was just, you know, standing there in

my flats.

And your flats.

And

your penny loafers.

Yeah, my penny loafers.

And I had to introduce her onto the stage.

And I just said, hi, I'm Tig.

And she was like, Nar.

Narr.

Yeah.

Narr.

Yeah.

I like Nicole Kidman so much.

I went to the movie theater to see Baby Girl.

Wow, that is love.

That's lovely.

That's That's love.

Yeah.

And isn't she in movie theater, like the intro at movie theater?

She's iconic.

Famously, yeah.

Famously, people recite that.

People recite her commercials.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

It's then tell me what it is because I don't know.

I didn't say I did.

It's like,

we come to the movies.

Gay guys love it.

Yeah,

I feel like gay men made that viral by recognizing how iconic it is.

And it's like, we come here to be startled.

We come here.

And then it goes even heartbreaking to be in enter a place like this.

We come to this place for magic.

We come to AMC theatres to laugh, to cry, to care,

because we need that.

I just wanted to clarify for people.

There's no indescribable feeling.

We get when the lights begin to dim

and we go

somewhere we've never been before.

Not just entertained, but somehow reborn

together.

Together.

Dazzling images on a huge silver screen.

Sound that I can feel.

Somehow, heartbreak feels good in a place like this.

Our heroes feel like the best

part of us.

And stories feel perfect and powerful because here

they are.

Wow.

Wow.

That is pretty dramatic.

It is.

and I'm gonna rehearse this over and over until I get it down.

But I also want to acknowledge that we've kind of forgotten that we got asked a question and we're really far off the rails.

No, she didn't have a question.

Yeah, she was with me.

No, she forgot.

Yeah, and May is going to lunch.

So, are you guys not coming?

You're not coming for lunch?

My mom's going to be in Nashville with me.

Well, yeah, and

my family is going to be there.

They can know, I'm sure that you're invited.

You're not sure.

We'll follow up with Harmony.

But also, I need Harmony.

I need Harmony to tell Keith

about Hello Again and about Nicole, the reference to Nicole in there.

Okay, Harmony.

Maybe replay him our

rendition of Nicole's anger.

Replay all of this.

I don't know that that's going to endear us.

I do.

I do.

We're going to have Keith Urban and Nicole Kidman on stage with us in Natchmill.

Oh, my God.

If it weren't already already sold out, it would sell out.

Oh my gosh.

We could add a second show because we have Keith Irvin and Nicole Kidman.

Do you think she told him it was sold out?

He should know that.

You think?

Because he's going to be like, oh, they probably want me to sell tickets.

Okay.

Narrow.

We don't need that.

When we're in Nashville and your family's there and your mom's there.

Nashville or Texas, wherever.

You know, Nashville, Texas.

Yeah.

So, and I'm there just on my lonesome.

Can I hang with you guys?

Are we going to do a bird activity or something like that?

Not with me.

Let's do a little bit of a

ginger.

Yeah, come on.

No, of course.

We can have a big,

a big crazy day and night.

And next stay up all night.

Oh, my God.

Yeah, I'd be a pleasure.

Laura's coming, too.

Seriously?

Whoa.

Oh, my God.

I got to get a partner fast.

Well, Ginger's coming.

Jax isn't coming.

Just my mom.

Jax isn't coming.

Why my mom can hook up?

Well, then who are you going to hook up?

You're offering your mother's cooter to May?

Oh, my God.

Hey.

You know, May is going to use and abuse that thing.

No, you don't.

I just want to spoon.

I just want to spoon your mom.

Would Ginger spoon May?

Well, she might not be able to get back up, but so we'll spoon May.

Who would be the big big spoon out of me and Ginger?

Um, I think me.

Let's see.

You would.

Just say Harmony, thank you.

Thank you.

Can we just say me?

Can we just say I'd be that big spoon?

Well, Harmony, that was a delightful question.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, thank you so much.

I keep forgetting about you, Harmony.

And I'm so sorry because that was such a wonderful question to get.

Thank you for listening to the podcast.

And get Keith and Nicole down to the show.

It's sold out.

We're big deals, okay?

We don't need them there.

We want them there.

I love Harmony, that Harmony put herself out there for us.

Yes.

Like we always ask people to spread the word about the pod.

I love it.

You did.

Yeah.

That's a friend.

So again, this is a great moment for us to say, listen, if you have access to a big wig, to Dolly Parton's big wig, then please reach out and connect us because we really need one of those to come through where it's hilarious that somebody told a massive celebrity.

And they just showed up.

Or they come on our show.

And then Keith Urban just walks out on stage.

That would be hilarious.

He's going to.

Casey Musgraves, she has that gay song.

What is the gay song?

Does she?

Yeah, it's a song about if your arrow points in a certain way, that's okay.

That's great.

That sounds gay.

That sounds gay.

If you love somebody.

Point your arrow to a gay person.

But yeah, it's a gay song.

I think we should just put Keith's name on the door, put him on the list, just in case he shows up.

Yeah, put him on the list for sure.

I think

we should also have

a green room, a dressing room

that says Keith Irvin

and like a big star on the door.

And then the next door down, it's going to say Nicole Kinman.

And we fill the dressing rooms with champagne and flowers.

Oh, they have separate dressing rooms, but then we also have a dressing room where it says Keith and

Nicole.

Oh, in case they wanted to.

In case they, yeah.

Yeah, great.

I've never been more excited for a live show.

The only other one I'm this excited about is our Austin show, which you can live stream.

Which are only two lined up.

Exactly.

So

those are the two that we're most excited about.

Well, I think that was such a massive massive guest to have a mysterious person that knows keith and nicole

do you think she does keith's hair that's what i want to know i know i want to know what context she's seeing him in so regularly and she's comfortable enough to be like coffee shop or you know what he um

i bet has more than one person that works on his hair because he's got famous hair you know

layers he would have one person per layer yeah um also isn't he he's into horses and stuff so she could be be a stable person.

He's like a little cowboy, he's a little cowboy, he's a little cowboy.

I just love the idea of him going, What

I think, I think, harmony.

Oh, and how perfect that her name is Harmony.

Can we quickly sing her name?

Yeah, just do it.

Can we quickly

take you're low?

You start low, I'll go high.

Harmony,

harmony,

harmony, wait, you gotta keep yours going, Tay.

Are you sure we want her to send this to him?

She's going to have to send this.

She's going to send this to him.

No, she has to send this episode to him.

Okay.

Okay, boy.

Harmony.

Harmony.

Harmony.

You got to pick a key.

Harmony.

Harmony.

Go, Harmony.

Harmony.

Harmony.

Harmony.

Harmony.

Harmony.

That was great.

Wow.

Tick's still going.

We're so good.

Let's tune our own horns.

Wait, can I start high and then you guys go low?

Oh, let's try it.

Never tried it.

Harmony.

Harmony.

Harmony.

I mean,

this is why we sing our own theme song.

Are we starting a band called The Indigo Queers?

Keith has got to hear this.

We got to be backup singers for him.

He's like, how much do you guys want from me?

Jesus.

I'll pay him to stop talking about me.

But once he sees me two-step into his song, it's game over, y'all.

And he sees your gams because you're going to two-step pantless, right?

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

That was fun.

Remember, you can still buy tickets to our live stream April 12th.

Just go to our social media pages or dynastytypewriter.com, get your live stream, and then you can be part of our big colossal live event.

It's going to be electric.

Woogie, wiggy, wiggie, woogie.

And I guess until then, all that remains,

keep it pretty

awesome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.