Chelsea Peretti asks about auditions

This is a head gum podcast.

Cheers.

Hi, welcome to Handsome.

It's what is your name?

May

May Martin.

Hello.

And you are.

Hi.

I am Tignotaro.

We also have another host.

It's me, Fortune Feemster.

It's Fortune.

What's up?

I'm here with my fake plant.

Oh, it looks so good.

Biggie's over here.

I'll reveal him later.

Okay.

All right.

He's getting into his outfit.

Yeah, he's he, well, he's taking a nap right now.

He's getting out of his outfit.

Right.

He's getting into something a little

more comfortable.

Biggie just got out of the tub and is slipping into something comfortable.

What would he look like fully shaved?

He is shaved now.

And if you let his hair grow out, he's like a big puff ball.

Right.

This is the more like smaller version of him.

Demure.

Our kitty fluff,

we've been getting her shaved once or twice a year because she, I mean,

when we got her, she was not fluffy and she somehow overheard and understood what her name was.

And she is just a fluff ball.

And so, for, I don't know if we're projecting, but it feels like she's happier when we have her shaved.

But

we noticed she had a little boo-boo on

her stomach.

Oh.

And

the vet came to the house, and they think it was when she got shaved.

Oh, yellow Nick.

Yeah, that's happened.

And it happens to be in the shape of the Star Trek emblem.

No, that isn't weird enough.

Yeah, the vet was like, you know how the Star Trek emblem looks?

And I was like,

somewhat familiar.

Yeah.

So, yeah, we had to, that was just before we got on.

We had a little fluff pinned down and getting some meds.

And

oh, man.

So, but she's doing well.

She's doing well.

But she got shaved and she got nicked.

Viggy got nicked in his butthole once.

Excuse me?

Sorry.

Is this related or unrelated?

No, it's

inside?

The groomer was like shaving around his butt and somehow nicked his butthole.

See, this is why I've never had a Brazilian wax or anything.

Don't do it, man.

No, I would never.

Have you ever done it, Fortune?

Oh, all the time.

What if that was my thing?

I've got to go get my butthole

waxed.

Nicked.

I have to go get it nicked.

I will say,

I've only one time in my life got a

wax down there.

Down where?

Like in Texas?

Yeah, dumb in Texas.

I did it once.

I went to a place where they did the thing, and it was the most.

Like a full-on

everything gone

beaver situation.

Because it was back in the day when I was a little bit of a drink.

What would call for that in your life?

I know.

I don't know if I was, I might have been in the closet still and I was trying to be more feminine.

And I was like, everybody else, all the other girls are doing it.

Trying to avoid the boys.

I went to a place and they put the wax on and ripped the stuff and someone was just staring at your cooter.

And I'm like, what am I?

Who is this for?

What am I doing?

I think I was single.

I was like, no one's seeing this.

Yeah, it wasn't in preparation.

You did it just for yourself.

I think I did it for myself.

And then I was like, you know what?

It turns out I don't need this.

Right.

It's painful, too.

Seems like it'd be real itchy in the Grove.

Yeah, later.

So were you itching your crotch?

I was itching McCooch.

McCoochie.

I missed Kate.

I missed this.

I had a description.

You know, Kate Kate McCoochie.

Kate McCoochie moved herself to New York City.

That's where I am right now.

Should I look her up?

Well, yeah, if you have a phone book near you, what do you mean, look her up?

Let me get the old yellow pages out, flip through to McCooch.

Wait, oh, you have your show in New York.

I had my show last night in New York.

Yeah, I'm on tour right now.

How's it going?

Well, I don't know.

I mean, you guys tour.

I'm not a big toure, and it's crazy.

I'm doing these music shows, and a lot of handsome merch in the crowd, a lot of sweet, angelic, handsome fans shouting, keep it handsome while I'm trying to be a serious musician.

I'm like, guys, I'm trying to get into the the song.

Yeah, it's been so insanely fun though.

It's

thanks.

I'm really, I'm digging it.

Yeah.

Can I say something?

Were you maybe later?

Were you up late last night?

Yeah, how do you know that?

And I was going to say, or have you like increased your deep voiceness somehow?

You know what?

I noticed that too.

I think I am very tired and I've also been singing a lot and using using my voice but why do it does do I sound sexy

well let's relax here

of course always but um but yeah no it just sounds like I wasn't sure if it was the testosterone or what was going on yeah it could be that you know what's weird is like some of the songs that I recorded like a year ago, I can't hit those notes so much anymore.

I'm like slightly changing the key when I play them live.

We sing well together.

I can't ever hit the key.

Really?

Yeah, we'd be freestyling.

Yeah.

You'd be singing down here.

We're singing down here.

We're singing up here.

We're singing up here.

We're singing up here.

We're singing down here.

We're singing down here.

I did see Cynthia Rivo and I went.

She was like, okay.

Oh, you did that at her?

Oh, to her, yes, of course.

No, you saw her and you're like,

I said, Zybia,

and what was her response?

I mean, she laughed, but also she probably got mutt quite a bit.

I actually don't think she has, probably.

It's pretty wild.

It's pretty bold.

It's bold.

More than wild, it's bold.

She was awesome, though.

She sat and chatted with us for a while, but that is how I started the conversation.

That's amazing.

And maybe next time you see her, you can be like, We're singing down here.

We're singing down here.

We're singing up here.

We're singing up here.

I wish you guys were here in New York.

I feel like we'd have a good time.

I don't come here a lot, and it's so new, it's so New York.

Like, I walked really Carnegie Hall.

I would love to hang out with you in New York.

Yeah, we'd go out in the town.

Maybe we can do a handsome show there at some point.

Yeah, why haven't we done that?

We should do that.

I told one of the cadets on Star Trek that I did Carnegie Hall and she goes, what?

You're not

Liza Minelli.

That's the only person who can do Carnegie Hall.

That's what I said.

I was like, I'm doing Carnegie Hall.

Hey, that's a good one.

We're seeing up here.

We're seeing up here.

Anyway, I thought that was such a funny response to, like, she did not believe me that I did Carnegie Hall.

Did not believe me.

To be honest, I didn't know you did.

I didn't know you did.

Okay, now you know, but do you believe me?

Yeah, I'm not suspicious.

I believe you're telling us.

But yeah, I guess that's reserved for Liza Manelli and not Tig

Notorio.

I was discussing a Benny Hana today, and I thought, I'm going to ask Tig and Fortune what a Benny Hana is.

Oh, well, first of all, Thomas, put it on the list.

Put it on the list.

It's so crazy you're bringing this up.

Put it on the list.

Because I love a hibachi situation.

Yeah, and we told Max and Finn we want to bring them to Benny Hana just the other day.

Let's do it.

Yeah.

I want to go.

It's one of those words.

It's like when I first moved to the States and like Trader Joe's, I was like, what the hell is that?

And I've always heard the word, the phrase Benny Hana.

Is it a phrase?

Well,

it's the name of a hibachi restaurant.

What's hibachi?

Like a grill.

So it's Japanese.

And And you know, have you ever seen the guys with the big grill and the people are sitting around the grill?

And the guys are like doing the thing and they're throwing shrimp.

They're chopping and they're throwing shrimp and you catch it and everyone's like, ah!

And then they cut through it in the air or whatever.

I don't know.

Maybe I made that up, but they just

cut through it.

It's like rice and veggies.

And if you eat meat, it's steak, chicken, or shrimp, or all of the above.

And they make it in front of you and then put it on your plate.

And it's one of my favorite meals is a hibashi steakhouse.

I mean, somebody that makes TV shows, how are you not scooping us up and

putting out, put it on the list, Thomas?

How is that not a TV show?

How is it?

Come on.

Wait, what do you mean?

You want a TV show about us going to Benny Hanna?

No, us doing all of the lists.

Oh, doing the list.

Yeah, you're so right.

Why do we pitch that?

It's called put it on the list.

yeah mike we just pitched it

we will now receive offers go on fortune what is your favorite my favorite hibachi steakhouse of all time is in raleigh north carolina and it's called conki

con key now the trick is

you know the the steak and the veggies and the rice fairly healthy but i like to make it unhealthy they have something called shrimp sauce which is like uh it looks like thousand island but it's not thousand island it's but it's in that family, and you just it's shrimp sauce, you just dump it all over your food, and it's so good.

Is it like blended shrimp?

No, I don't know why it's called shrimp sauce because I don't think shrimp shrimp goes in it.

Yeah, that sounds pretty good.

It's so good.

My hometown has a fast food hibachi restaurant, and it's like the light of my life.

I'm hungry.

You do look really happy talking about it.

I really actually am.

You can hire hibachi people to come to your house and do a private hibachi event.

They bring their own kind of big metal table or whatever.

Yeah.

We're singing up here.

We're singing up here.

I'm about to go to London tomorrow and

I'm going to see Debbie, the hairdresser.

Oh, my gosh.

And you know what?

I never thought I'd see you again.

I was beginning to wonder.

You have me to thank.

I reminded you to look her up since you look people up in phone books.

Yeah, I'm going to get the yellow page with that.

And I was going to, I'm doing Kelly Clarkson tomorrow, but she's ill or she's not available.

So she's not going to be the host.

And I was so pumped to talk about how much we love her on the pod.

I know.

She gave us a handsome question.

I know.

So who's hosting?

Andy Cohen is hosting.

Well, that'll be fun.

I hope it'll be fun.

I find him kind of intimidating.

I think he's very funny, but

I'm going to, I don't know.

I feel like I'm going to want to be charming or something.

you'll be going there.

Yeah, my usual bad attitude.

Yeah, a handsome listener said I don't know, it was a couple weeks ago whenever John Ham

was on Andy Cohen's show.

Uh, they always get a question from a person on Zoom and they called him

John Hampsome and said they got it from hearing our podcast.

I didn't see it, but a listener said that.

Wait, but did we say John Hampson?

Hampson?

I guess we did.

I guess.

Wait, they talked about it on a TV show.

On Watch What Happens Live, Andy Cohen Show.

Someone called him John Hams.

They always take a for each guest, they give a question.

They have someone zoom in, audience fan or whatever.

Oh,

and they ask that celebrity a question and they ask him a question, but before they asked the question, they called him John Hampsome

and said they got it from listening to the handsome pod do you guys remember anything we've ever said on this pod i don't i don't think no and then what's worse is that we record a little bit in advance and so then we don't we really don't remember what we've said yeah except for pineapple apart will always be with us yeah ghost yeah we know that

there yeah there's some real meet and greets that i'm doing these meet and greets and then people show up with really niche presents for me that like they know me so well from the pod, but I I don't remember what I've said or how they, like, someone came with a, she's like, here's a selenite crystal to put at the altar in the, in your backyard of the concrete cat.

And I was like, fuck, people know me better than I know myself or other things too, like really specific things from the pod.

It's really nice.

We do have on our Instagram page occasionally who said what, so we can

go.

There are times that our listeners can see what things we've said.

We also had a handsome handbook for any new listeners that wanted to get caught up with some of our phrases and whatnot.

The deep lore is there on our Instagram page.

This is very unrelated,

but it goes back to Fluff getting nicked and buzzed.

My office here at home, the office doors are glass, but they're like the frosted glass.

At one point,

Fluff did appear behind the frosted glass and then ran off.

So

now?

A little while ago.

And I meant to say it when it happened, but we are so far beyond it, but I still couldn't let it go.

So you just saw an outline?

No, you just see kind of a black figure and then she just bolted.

It could have been a ghost.

Yeah, it could have been a cat ghost.

Are there cat ghosts?

Great question.

How come you never hear about animal ghosts?

I have an image in my mind of some kind of dog ghost from some kids' cartoon and it's wearing a little sheet or something.

But aside from that,

what am I talking about?

Edie Burkell,

I've told you about her sophomore album is called Ghost of a Dog.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, so they're real.

You put it on your list to get that album.

And I hope you have or will because it is a masterpiece.

I mean, I have these little notepads when we're recording and I scribble down, like, if you recommend a book or something, and then, but then this is what I like.

Sometimes I just am scribbling weird stuff.

What is that?

That's

creature.

I guess I doodle this

with the boobs and boobies.

She looks like someone who's looking for a good motorboat.

She's in the market for a good

fortune, Marie out here in the open,

motorboating.

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I should have you on the tour come out and see I wish you guys were if we were in the same city then you guys should come out and

I took my mom on a gay cruise.

Okay, tell us about that.

Did she hook up?

Did we

hook up?

No.

Did she hook up on the cruise?

Did she find love?

She did not find.

Well, she found platonic love all over the ship for, we were on the ship for three and a half days.

Was it an Olivia cruise?

One of those Atlantis.

So gay men.

Oh, it was all gay men.

It was my mom and I and 2,000 gay men.

Oh, my.

How did you?

And you were performing on this?

Yeah, they asked me kind of last minute.

It was like four days before.

And, and I get, I get asked to do cruises a lot, and I just can't.

My schedule is too crazy.

Um, but my tour doesn't start till April.

And I was like, well, I could.

And, and Jack said, said, like, you should take your mom on a cruise because I had talked about going on a cruise with her in my last special.

Um, and I was like, actually, that might be kind of fun.

So I was like, hey, what are you doing?

Do you have a passport?

And she's like, yeah.

And just do you have a passport?

And had you ever taken her on a cruise?

I took her on a cruise like 12 years ago, but we were in the same room, which is tough because you need a minute.

She's trying to have a time

together.

And

it was a Holland American cruise and like everyone was old.

And it was just, we were bored.

And like, she was not bored.

I was bored.

But this cruise was Virgin now, it has cruises, and it's not like those like cattle call type cruises where there's giant buffets and it's like eight restaurants.

You just go

like you do at a restaurant, it's like updated and modern and nice.

It didn't feel gross and yucky, and all the guys like treated my mom couldn't, my mom couldn't walk two feet without being stopped and told how wonderful she is and loved.

And she was in heaven.

Oh my God.

Amazing.

And, and, you know, it's, it was, it was, it always, always gives me a new appreciation for her as well because, you know, there's so many gay people, and I don't think our, our straight friends maybe realize this as much, but there are a number of gay people who are still

disowned by their families when they come out.

And especially there's a number of older gay men who, you know, haven't, some of them haven't haven't talked to their moms in 20 years.

And

so when they see, when they see my mom, you know, she gives them a hug because they'll tell her, like, my mom hasn't talked to me in 20 years.

And she gives them a big hug.

And she's like, that's a mama hug for you.

And

she has men come up.

and tell her how much they appreciate her support and allyship.

And she had a lovely man tell her that like his partner is like, he's like, my partner's the best guy I know.

He said, has such a big heart, his family won't have anything to do with him because he's gay.

And he started tearing up, telling my mom this.

So, you know, she just symbolizes like any mom that supports their

gay or queer kid, like it's just a symbol of like acceptance and love.

And there's so many in our community who need that.

Especially like a sort of a southern mom.

Like, that is so nice.

Yeah, imagine, though, if they took it too far, like all the annoying things about parenting someone, like if she started, I don't know.

Well, I can't think of anything funny, but

you have ketchup on your face at that time.

She started criticizing.

Yeah, or they started

being

them all.

Oh, sorry.

When you said allyship, I just realized that's a good name for a

cruise.

There you go.

I did one cruise, cruise, I think, like

so long ago.

And what really struck me about them is that

on cruises is that a lot of people come from areas that they have to be closeted or, you know, very small or rural towns.

And this is a way for them to find and connect with their community.

Yeah.

It's pretty incredible.

I always feel like the, because I watched that show Below Deck, I always feel like the staff on a cruise ship, it must have a fun time.

There must be a lot of interpersonal dynamics and like, have you ever seen Love Boat?

Yeah,

nobody.

Is that what that's about the staff on a cruise?

Everybody's in love on the love boat.

Yeah, yeah.

I could picture us working a cruise ship in a little captain's hat.

Maybe Tig, you got a captain's hat.

What if, what if at some point the handsome pod, you know, you can like throw your own cruises.

Yeah, like Baxter Boys does one of them.

One of the handsome pod throws a cruise so far.

We gotta do it on one of these ships, though.

Well, oh, one of the nice ones.

See, I think I have a I'm too scared.

Oh, you don't want to be on a ship that movie Poseidon, like, I just feel like a rogue wave is gonna come, and then we're gonna be fighting for that bubble there.

That's in the one,

but how fun to get in one of the little yellow rafts and, like, you know, how fun

paddle away, yeah, just paddle back home.

Now, here's my question about the ships these days.

Are people walking around in masks at all?

No, no, no.

There was like, I saw maybe two masks the whole time.

I just remember, you know, when COVID happened,

people were like, oh, cruises are going to go away.

When COVID happens, you don't want to be on a cruise.

That's for sure.

I was actually booked on a cruise.

That was going to be my second cruise.

Yeah, Melissa Etheridge was

hosting a cruise.

I was booked to perform on her cruise.

Oh, man.

And then it never happened.

We know we kept holding out, holding out, and then it reached a point.

And I was like, I'm out.

Yeah.

And then they canceled the cruise.

And I don't know what the order of events were.

Right.

I don't want to make it sound like Melissa was like, we must continue to cruise.

But

well, it gave me a renewed sense of cruising.

I like cruising.

It was a fun, it was a fun escape, you know, just because all the men on the ship were so happy and dancing and fun.

And it just was like, there's no drama, just lightness.

Just like, I don't know.

No drama with 2,000 gay guys?

No drama.

They don't be sweating stuff on that boat.

Wow.

They're all hugging and tugging.

That is hugging and tugging for real.

Everyone's hugging and tugging.

What's there to be?

Is that a saying?

Is that a saying?

I just said it.

If If you just thought of that of your own accord, that's really good.

Well, the word tug's been on my mind because on the side of the ship it said no tug.

And so I would joke with my mom, no tugging on the ship.

Because it's a full-blown tugboat.

But I just thought of hugging and tugging.

That's real good.

Thank you.

Yeah, but when you're on a boat with, and there were some really good-looking guys, too, I was like, yeah, this is like, if you were a gay man, you better get on this cruise.

Did it make you want to wax your crotch?

Yeah, I went straight to that spa on the ship and said, get her done.

Get her done.

Get her done.

I never want to get, I never want that experience again.

You know what?

Put it on the list anyway, Thomas.

Should we get to our question?

Yeah, let's do it.

Today's question asker is a stand-up comedian, actress, and writer who played Gina Lanetti on the hit comedy series Brooklyn 99.

She's written for shows like Parks and Rec, Saturday Night Live, The Kroll Show, and she wrote and directed and starred in the film First Time Female Director.

She also hosts the podcast Call Chelsea Paretti.

Chelsea Paretti is asking today's question.

Nice.

Okay, hey, handsome podcast.

I'm Chelsea Paretti.

I have a question for you, which is:

to what lengths have you gone to nail an audition historically?

Have you dressed up in costumes?

Have you used props?

Have you pantomimed?

Has your audition process changed

over time?

Are you offer-only, etc.?

Okay, thank you.

I really love the position of her hands.

Yeah.

She seems like a very serious lecturer.

Yeah.

I'm a deep Chelsea fan, and I listened to that pod.

And I did when it first started, too, and it blew my fucking mind.

She's so funny, she's just so unique in her perspective and funny.

Yeah, and her husband, Jordan Peele, is obviously an amazing filmmaker and comedian.

That's a lot of talent in one family.

Yeah, seriously.

Yeah, yeah.

And their son is a real talent.

I'm sure.

I'm just assuming he's got, you know,

a book deal.

He's like,

I hate the biz.

stop talking out of the biz

are you guys good at auditioning no oh my god i am amazing

i'm so i'm i've gotten better just out of necessity but i'm not great yes same most of the stuff i've done on movies and tvs were offer-only Whoa.

The things that I've tried for, I've not gotten.

That's, I'm similar.

Like, the more I want something, the worse I do.

And the, like, I, I, I get really nervous, but then self-tapes are easier, like when you send in a tape or something.

Did you guys know the story about, you know, the actor from, she played the replicant in Blade Runner, like the beautiful replicant.

And she's been in tons of stuff.

And she kind of disappeared in the 80s.

She was huge.

Anyway, she really wanted to play Catwoman in the Tim Burton, in the Tim Burton Batman.

And so she hid in his trailer, dressed like Catwoman.

And when he went in, she pounced on him and had to be removed.

Wow.

Was she freshly shaved?

She probably was nicked and shaved.

Shaved and nicked.

That is definitely not a way to get hired.

No.

Scaring the crap out of a director and being hauled off by security.

Yeah.

Okay.

That is noted.

I don't have, I don't think I've even, I've heard of people doing some nutty stuff.

It doesn't even occur to me to do anything outside of the box.

Right.

You know what I mean?

Yeah,

because I feel like, and maybe all of us have been on the other side of it where we're casting people or we're looking at tapes and things.

And you just know that it's often within a second, you know, and it's not even to do with the, it's just what you have in your head and it could be so intangible.

Like

it could be their voice or the way they, like, it's not going to make a difference if they're wearing catti or it's, you know,

nothing at all.

Yeah, you could have pigtails and just uh

yeah chocolate on your face and people if they know you're the one you're the one

i feel like you'd be good at auditions because you don't radiate desperate or i've never seen you radiate desperation

maybe you do sometimes but i've never seen it and i feel like you could just go in and if you don't you're you know if you're calm you act like you don't need it that's when you that's when you get it

the first time i auditioned for something i was an assistant at the director Sam Raimi's company.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

He brought me in to audition for a role in Spider-Man.

We worked at Universal Studios,

which was, you know, in the valley, and his

casting was at Sony Pictures.

And it was at like four or five o'clock in the afternoon, and they let me off work to go to Sam's to the casting

session at Sony.

And if you know LA, that's a hell ride at that hour to get from Universal to Sony at that hour.

And so I was an assistant.

I was let off work.

I go out there and I didn't even know what sides were.

Sides are like just, you know, they were like, oh,

here are your sides.

And I was like, right, like the scene you're auditioning with.

It's just the scene that they pulled from the script that you're in.

I was like, okay,

learned that.

And then I went in

and

I

was so

uncomfortable and nervous.

I was shaking and sweating,

fumbling through my lines.

I was probably, I was like 28 years old or something.

And

they just

were like, okay, thank you.

And then I got in my car and I had to go back to work in the Valley.

And I was driving back to Universal going,

what in the hell did I just do?

I just drove over an hour to shake and sweat on camera in front of my boss.

Like he wasn't in the room, but he, you know, he's going to see the tape.

Maybe they didn't even send it to him, I'm sure.

And then I got back in the car minutes later and drove back.

And then years later, I was doing a movie with Octavia Spencer and we were talking about, she mentioned how she,

her kind of first big thing that she got was this role on Spider-Man in the Spider-Man movie.

And it was that role.

Oh my gosh.

Oh my God.

Not only that,

and the role is she's the one standing outside of the wrestling rink, checking the different characters in before.

I think I know that role.

That's Octavia.

She's like, I also auditioned for that.

Did you?

Oh, you didn't?

Okay.

So Octavia is like, yeah, that I got that role.

When I, I was like, oh, my God, I audition.

I worked for Sam Raimi when I first moved to L.A.

And she was like, yeah, she said,

I was the casting assistant for that movie.

And they let me,

and they let me audition.

And she said, and honestly, I think I remember them flagging that this was the assistant from Sam's office.

And I was

unbelievable.

Unbelievable.

that they gave her the part she got the part and she has the Oscar for you know she's of course

you're very similar yes yeah do we know a Tid or Octavia

I'm Peter Sagal.

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I wasn't somebody that moved to LA to be an actor.

So

I think once I got my bearings and stand-up, and I, and that kind of built my confidence in a very different new way.

Yeah.

It just, I think over the years, yeah, it's scary.

And not because

I think I'm great at acting, but I am mostly offer-only because I

people know what you do.

They know they want Tiggizar.

Yeah.

It's like I, whenever I always make the joke that when a director is walking towards me on set to give me a note, I always stop them and say, before you say anything, I have no range, but go ahead.

What were you going to say?

Yeah, I'm the same.

Like I've done only a handful of like proper auditions where you wait in line and you go and they call your name and you go in and I'm so scared.

But when I was a kid, like maybe I was 10 or 11, and I auditioned for Oliver Twist, the musical, to play the artful Dodger.

I sure have told this, but I, yeah, to play the artful Dodger.

And I dressed up in tartan trousers, little waistcoat, and I went in, and it was a bunch of boys, but I had short hair.

And I just sing, I had to learn this whole song and sing with the pianist, Consider yourself well in, consider yourself one of the family, like that.

I was so invested in this fantasy of getting that part.

And it was at like a West End theater in Toronto, and my parents had like let me answer this cattle call.

And I got down to the final two.

And then I had to go to summer camp.

And I just thought, any minute now, they're going to come and take me out of camp and be like, kid, you're a singer.

You just got what it takes.

Yeah.

And obviously, a boy got it.

And you were singing up here.

You were singing up here.

Singing up here.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I was radiating desperation.

That's

it's so scary.

When I was a kid, I guess I had always sort of had some interest in the biz, though it was so far removed from me for the most part.

But I remember when I was like 10, they did an open casting.

It was like a Nickelodeon show.

I can't remember.

It was like Wet and Wild or something.

It was, I don't, I don't know what I don't remember the name.

It was like where kids did all this stuff outside, where like games, you know, or like going where like there's water and stuff.

Um,

I don't, yeah, and so they had it at the mall where kids could like wait in line.

And then they brought you into a room, like 20 kids at a time.

And a producer basically is just like, What kid looks like good on, would look cool and fun on TV?

And so I dragged my dad to the mall in Charlotte.

I was like, We gotta go.

I gotta be on this show.

And I made him take me to McDonald's before we,

before we went in there, and I had grape jelly like running down my shirt.

And I was ginormous.

I was like, this fat, fat kid.

And I'm picturing you in a bonnet.

Yeah.

I was waiting.

I mean, we waited for like four hours to finally get in this room.

And I'm like, like,

waiting with all these kids to be like, come on, man, don't you want me on a show?

And he's like looking around, looking around, and he sees me and he goes,

no, you mean, no, he actually went,

he like did a

he needs to go to hell that is satan he needs the worst

thing i've ever heard and i've heard

really terrible things in my life

i i had not i had not reached my peak yet i had not come to the swan i am now it made me laugh and guess what i made my dad go back the next day and he goes come on

so clearly my skin was very thick because i was like let's

i'm gonna need to go back.

That is a great ending to that story because I am outraged.

I cannot imagine anybody

how dark your soul has to be to be like, I, for my job, I'm going to make kids line up and they're all going to be nervous and then I'm going to put them down.

Also, what you described.

about baby fortune.

I would be all eyes on you.

I'd be like, here's our star.

I was so fat, though.

I was so fat.

I just had jelly running on my shirt.

And whatever.

That's what we're looking for.

But I don't think in the moment I realized what had happened.

Clearly, it was years later that I was like, wait a second.

I was pure confidence at 10.

Like, yeah, man, he probably just was batting a mosquito away.

That's really funny.

Yeah.

So that was my first try out.

And

you sound like somebody's parent.

Are you going to try out for the show

for the television program?

I've never, you know, in movie or TV shows about high schools and stuff, there's always like they post the cast list in the hallway, and everybody crowds around the list to be like, Did I make it in the big show?

I don't know.

I've never experienced that.

The closest I ever had to that was auditioning for theater in college.

And, but you were were like kind of, I think you, I think you read out loud who the parts were.

So you got to just be like the sitting in sadness if you didn't get the part you wanted.

Oh, God.

Have you ever had a chemistry read?

Like, I've had to audition people to play my

girlfriend and feel good.

I auditioned,

yeah, a handful of people.

We knew we wanted Charlotte Ritchie to do it, but we We, yeah, that's really embarrassing for because these, I mean, they weren't embarrassed or nervous at all.

They were professional actors and very cool, but it just felt so lame to be like, Do you have chemistry with me?

Can you

can you make it seem like you love me?

Well, I mean, Stephanie had to kind of prove that we had chemistry on one Mississippi

on my old show.

Yeah.

Did you?

Well, no, but we're pushing through.

But I remember also when Sarah Silverman was casting this pilot for NBC,

she had a character named Tig.

And,

you know,

it was me.

Yeah.

But the studio and the network were not sold on me.

And so I had to go in and audition to play myself.

And I had a full-on out-of-body

experience where it was just me and Sarah doing this scene.

And, you know, before we walked in, she was like, you you know just um

it's just us and our normal dynamic and I mean this was like

2011 or something and I was like okay okay and then it's just like everyone from the studio studio everyone from the network all the casting the director you know everybody's just sitting there just staring at us and I was like oh God like I didn't want to let her down I mean I of course wanted the role but like I really did not want to let her down yeah And I, I reached this point where I just pulled the mic off of my shirt and I was like, I gotta, I gotta get out of here.

And I just like walked out of the room.

And yeah, and Sarah followed me out and she was just like, I remember

she did this for me a few times, like on the Sarah Silverman program and on this pilot that her pilot didn't get picked up, but it was

moments where I just, I would be like, what am I doing?

I'm not an actor, you know, like I'm, I'm a stand-up.

I, I, I felt so out of place and I, I didn't want to promise more than I could deliver.

And, but she would always say to me, when I would be in that kind of headspace, she'd be like, you know, let's just do, um, let's just do your worst take right now.

Let's just do the worst you could possibly do.

And I'd be like, okay.

And it worked on me every time.

I'd be like, it took the pressure off.

And I was like, you want the worst?

Okay.

And then boom,

yeah.

That's nice.

I love that.

I had the most Hollywood audition of my life

continued.

This was about like 2010.

And it was for a, I don't remember, maybe CBS pilot or something.

And

I went through the audition process where I was, I kept getting to the next round and the next round.

And then you finally get to the point where they ask you to test or not.

And when you test, you have to sign a contract ahead of time.

And then the network:

a test means it's a final audition.

It's usually you and like two other people, and y'all are the final people down for this role.

And if they pick you, you've already signed a contract, it's already ready to go.

So, you there's a lot of pressure once you get to that point.

And I got to the point where they wanted me to test, but I was working at at Chelsea lately, and I was like, I don't know if I want to, like, I'm happy here, and I don't think I want to go down this road.

And so I basically was like, oh, tell them, cause this kind of came right before I got Chelsea.

And then they all sort of converged at the same time.

And I was like, oh, tell them I don't, I don't actually want to, I don't want to test anymore.

And the, the stars agent like called and was like, what is she doing?

What do you mean she doesn't want to test?

If she's, she's got to get, this is her part.

She's going to be a star and she's just going to turn that down.

I mean, this is like you know, you hear these kind of stories about like people like having these crazy Asian people, they're real, yeah,

and I'm like, and so I they call me and they're like, He's flipping out, and the casting's flipping out, and then I'm like, So then I'm like, I guess I don't really want to do this, but I felt pressure like I was young, and I was like, He's like, get down here and put some jelly on your shirt, kids,

and but he's like, This is hers, we already know we she's gonna be a star, like all these things, and I'm like, Oh, okay i guess sure but i still knew it wasn't right like yeah and so i audition i tested and um

didn't get it of course

and i was like wait you told me i was gonna be a star and then like that you never i never heard from him or any of those people again and i'm like this is so hollywood oh my god that just reminded me of something

i was doing stand-up in New York City and this woman came up to me after the show and she was like, oh my God, I was laughing so hard I fell out of my chair.

She was like, I am a casting director and you have to come down.

It was like this huge casting place where you, every different room, there's like somebody, they're casting commercials and Broadway and TV and film.

And like, and she, and I show up and it's like all these people waiting in the, in the lobby to be called in for their auditions.

And I went in and I checked in.

They were like, oh, Tignotaro's here.

And they went and got the woman.

Like, I bypassed everything, you know, and she brought me in and she was showing me around and taking me room to room to show me all the different types of auditions.

And people that she was introducing me to,

they were like, oh, we heard all about you and how funny you are.

Like, this woman had told everyone about me.

And then she goes, you know what?

Since you're here, do you want to just go in and audition for a commercial?

And I was like,

sure.

And so I go in

and she's sitting there and the casting guy is like, all right, so you're a mom and you're taking your family in a minivan to Disneyland and you're surprising them.

So,

you know, like, let's really surprise the kids.

You're going to Disneyland.

And I was like,

Hey, kids, I was so uncomfortable.

It's like, hey, kids.

It's me, Take.

Yeah, I was like, hey, kids, hop in the van.

We're going to Disneyland.

And they're like, okay, but he was like, okay, but like, really excited.

Like, you have great, this went on and on.

And I was, I mean, he got me up to maybe, hey, kids, get in the van.

We're going to do like, it was so terribly uncomfortable.

And I left and

she never responded to me.

Oh, no.

She made such a spectacle out of me.

I remember her name, I think, was Stacey something, casting director in New York.

If you are out there, if you're listening,

Stacy.

Yeah.

You're just going to give up on our girl ticks.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're going to treat me like I got jelly on my shirt.

Yeah.

It's, it's so, it's like

ticks here.

You know, it was, I think the next time I was in New York, I like reached out to her and never, ever responded to me.

Yeah.

When me and my friend wrote Feel Good and we had a part for him and he was the co-writer of the whole show and everyone was like yeah great it's this little part and then um we kept being like so when can when can joe tape for that part or like is he just gonna get the part or you know he's like i'm happy to tape for it but you know yeah he's the co-writer like we want him and he's acted before and then one of the producers sent an email and she accidentally cc'd

Joe and I on the email.

No, she hadn't deleted like the thread of all the emails

where she was saying to the casting director and the other producers, how are we going to tell Joe that we don't want him to play this part?

Guys, we have to be delicate about this.

We got to tell him in a nice way.

We were like, guys,

we got that email.

Yeah, got the news.

Message.

Got received.

What if that was her plan all along?

What?

To

make us get in that way.

Imagine if I started doing that on our handsome email threads, just not deleting me, being like, guys, everyone out.

How am I going to tell these guys over here?

I did have one

commercial audition that I went to way back in the day.

And

I had on like these loose pants.

I'm not sure.

And I was standing there.

I just got in the audition room.

And I looked down and a pair of my underwear is hanging out of my

bottom of my pants.

So I had put on like, I guess I had had my underwear from the day before in somehow.

After you're waxing,

and then when I got into the room, half my dirty, dirty asshole underwear is hanging out of my face.

That's what the period says.

I just like reached down real quick and grabbed it and like shoved it in my pocket.

They're like, what?

They think it was method or something.

Well, should we hear?

Yeah, let's hear what Chelsea has to say.

Hey, guys.

so

for me, I'm actually dressed up right now, putting myself on tape for something.

I don't normally put my hair into a braid or anything because I feel I need voluminous hair to look appealing.

But today, I did go ahead and do that because it's very greasy due to taking a lot of baths and I don't wash my hair in the bath.

Anyhow, I audition

very infrequently, and when I do,

I

do try to dress the part just drop my glasses and let me read through this

that was the joke oh that's really good

that's really good

classic

classic paretti classic paretti that's her next podcast

she was like I did another one where I like answered it for real but I thought that was funnier.

Yeah, that was very funny.

She is a silly, silly gal.

Silly gal.

Dressing the part.

I don't know.

The outfits of anything or any of these auditions are so ridiculous.

I just started just wearing a black shirt and everything.

The hardest

is I had to audition for to play someone's mother recently, which was like, I was like, oh,

how did I get here?

And I was trying to find any shirt in my closet that resembled a blouse and it was so hard.

Oh my God.

Just even that word.

Yeah.

So I ended up with just a regular t-shirt, but it was like pink.

And I was like, this old dude.

I have a theory that if a woman refers to a shirt as a blouse or a top, They're straight.

That is so true and cool.

So it's my girlfriends, but it's actual friends yeah yeah yeah oh my gosh i went shopping with my girlfriends and we bought new blouses it's like okay

straight as an arrow that's really funny yeah well i mean what a podcast what a podcast

yeah and if anybody cares uh my birthday is uh march 24th so uh

we care that's right around the corner it sure is so be thinking about what you want to get me.

Okay.

And I will be 54 years old.

I am one year away from being able to move into a retirement community.

Congratulations.

Have you picked the place yet?

You know, I did.

My old assistant, his parents lived in like a retirement community in Florida.

And he was like, hey, when we're in Florida, my parents aren't at their vacation home.

We could go stay there.

And I was thinking like, oh boy, you know,

what's this going to be like?

I

loved it so much.

I loved it so much.

Like a retirement village?

Yes.

I told Steph, I called her.

I was like, if I sneeze, you can like lock me up in a retirement community.

I mean, I, I, like,

the golf car in this community,

look, we all know I'm not a big booze hound, but I love

the idea and the vibe.

Every day at five o'clock, everyone gets in their golf cart, drive around the community and drink their drinks and honk and wave at each other.

Oh, my God.

Five o'clock every day, and they blare their music, whatever music they're into, whether it's Liza Minelli or, you know,

whoever, and they're just driving around waving at each other.

I mean,

and then the, then there's like a little restaurant by the pool and I'm pickleball courts.

That was the first time I'd heard about pickleball.

Oh my gosh.

But I was like, yeah, I'm ready to go.

I mean, completely good.

Completely good.

Really nice.

Yeah.

I mean, look, I like my life, but I, uh, I,

I, one day,

if it comes to that,

I will not be bummed.

Good to know.

I don't know why I said if it comes to that.

Like, it's not like, it's not like I'm in in

a care center.

It's not a care center.

It's just honking on a golf cart with a virgin daiquiri in my hand.

But if it does come to that, just know I am.

You're just fine.

I am so happy.

Okay, good.

Yeah.

And please come visit.

I was picturing.

Max and Finn coming to visit you.

And then I pictured them as adult redhead men coming to visit.

You're going to have these two adult men.

And they're gigantic.

I've done everything in my power to avoid living with a man.

And we're going to have two gigantic men.

They are so huge.

And it's like they already eat everything in sight.

They have dinner.

And then before bed, they want another dinner.

And we're truly like, guys, we have to get this.

narrowed down to one dinner.

Okay.

It's so insane.

They just eat everything,

and they're just like when I hug Max, I'm like, oh my God, he could snap me in two.

And he doesn't

realize teens yet.

No, there'll be nine in June.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And I'm not joking.

He could kick my ass,

but that's also not a hard thing to do.

Hello, Biggie.

Oh, Biggie's a brother.

Love of my life.

The love of my life.

And

he's had his bath and his robe.

Oh, Biggie.

That is just a perfect creation.

Biggie, come visit me at

the retirement at the villages.

Well, don't forget to get a live stream ticket to our show in Austin, April 12th.

That show is sold out, but you can live stream it from anywhere.

And that link is good for a week.

So make sure you do that and have a handsome party if you want and a good gay ass time.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Have a good day.

Have a gay ass time.

What did you say?

Hugging and tugging?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Go hugging and tugging.

Also, the movie that I produced, Come See Me in the Good Light, that

won the Sundance Film Festival this year.

Yes, it is such a beautiful film.

It's going to be, it was just at the Boulder International Film Festival.

It's going to be at the Cleveland International Film Festival on April 2nd.

There are plenty more

dates for festivals coming up that will be announced soon.

I will also be in Eureka Springs, Arkansas, June 14th.

And then I will also be

in Provincetown

August 23rd.

You know, check my website always, Tignotaro.com.

And yeah, that's what I'm up to.

What about you, Fortune?

My tour kicks off April 4th in Savannah, Georgia.

Nice.

Going to, after that, to Charleston, South Carolina, and Albuquerque, Rockford, Illinois, Columbus, Ohio, Greensboro, Roanoke, Baltimore, Pittsburgh.

So those tickets are on my website, FortuneFemeser.com.

Well, I'm not touring, but my album is out, my earnest music album.

And I'm loving people who are sharing it and tagging me and vids.

And it all helps.

It's on Spotify.

It's called I'm a TV.

And I'm at Largo end of March.

And that'll be all on my social media and stuff.

Make sure to tell your friends about the podcast.

Share an episode.

Mr.

Thomas was telling us that the Anne Kendrick episode is wildly popular.

So share that so people can get a taste of our nonsense.

And until next time, I mean, all you can really do ever is keep it.

Keep it handsome.

We're setting up here.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsomepod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gun podcast.

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