Pretty Little Episode #55

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Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the Handsome Pods pretty little episode.

It's Fortune.

And it's TIG.

I started to hear the...

the theme song for just a second and then it went away.

And then it went away.

It didn't want you bopping your head along to the music.

It did not.

How's it going, Fortune?

Themster?

It's going pretty good.

I am in North Carolina.

Okay.

Visiting

my mom.

She's good.

I'm going to go to chemo with her tomorrow.

She has some appointments today.

I'm just driving her like you miss Daisy.

Yeah.

And yeah, I was in Montreal this weekend.

May was there as well.

I was almost there.

You were almost there.

People kept asking us, your play got canceled, something like that.

Well, there was a,

what is it, ground stop or something in Denver?

Yeah.

So,

yeah.

What's a ground stop?

Oh, like, does everything shut down or something?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that's a bummer.

Anyway, how was Montreal?

Yeah, I was bummed to miss it.

It was great.

Handsome got podcast of the year year at Just for Laughs.

Yeah, we did.

Yeah.

So I'm sure we'll mention that on the main pod.

But,

yo, May and I were there and accepted the award on all of our behalfs.

And it was fun.

And then I did May's show that night.

So we had a two-thirds Handsome situation going on.

Amazing.

Yeah.

It was a week of hosting.

I hosted Jimmy Kimmel for a couple nights.

Right.

How was that?

It was super fun.

I wore suits every night, keeping it handsome.

Oh, I bet.

I saw like a picture video or something,

and you looked quite sharp.

Oh, thanks.

And quite

fit.

Oh, well, that's sweet.

Yeah.

I mean, I know you're a full-blown gun show these days.

I've been trying to be better, but I was eating a lot this week, though, because I was

hungry and working all day every day.

Yeah.

But I

had a blast.

It was so fun to get to

dip my toe in that world.

What did you enjoy the most?

My mom got to be on the show, which was really cool.

She is becoming a full-blown star.

I know.

Does she fly in private yet?

Not yet.

That's not happening.

They had a last-minute cancellation, and someone brought it up and

I floated it past her and she was like, absolutely.

So she literally did like five hours of chemo and then got on a flight that night.

Whoa.

Yeah, but had the time of her life.

You're both workhorses.

That's right.

She got so much good.

So many people wrote her about it.

And Arnold Schwarzenegger was the other guest that night and he brought out flowers, sir.

It was a really sweet moment.

That's nice.

And then I interviewed Mariah Carey, which was quite the treat.

Are you a fan?

I love her.

She is a diva in the best ways and just

you know, so mysterious and iconic.

And

I just felt like I was living the dream of every gay man in the world.

And I wait, okay, go ahead.

Loved it.

I've commented on her boobs

On the show?

Yeah.

They were,

take, they were so prevalent, you couldn't not mention them.

I would not have mentioned them.

I did it.

It was a fun, playful way.

I was just like, your boobs look great.

Now, wait a minute.

That's not very mysterious of her to have your boobs out.

The boobs were not mysterious for sure.

What is mysterious?

What is mysterious?

She's just an enigma.

you know like you don't ever really know what she's doing and

you know why she's doing it because she's mariah

she's infamous for her episode of cribs where she wore high heels on a stair master she just does things you don't expect i've heard that she's famously late

She was late.

Yeah,

I've heard that she is outrageously late.

Well, I think every concert definitely starts like several hours late.

But even meetings, I've heard.

Yes, I've heard that she shows up or like interviews.

I've heard that like she doesn't come downstairs maybe for a few hours.

Yeah, she was late, but we were told she would be late.

So everyone was prepped for it, but not as late as she could have.

As she could have been.

It was reasonable.

I had a fun interview with her, and afterwards, she told me it was the funniest interview she's had in decades.

Oh, that's amazing.

So, yeah, we really hit it off.

And let me go back and ask you: what is reasonably late?

I think her call time was three, and she got there at 4:30.

Okay, that's reasonable.

Show started taping at 4.

I think we held 10 minutes.

So, essentially, in her mind, she was on terrestrial.

She was early.

But it was, she was a trip.

I was, I was honored that she even said yes, because, you know, sometimes

they want the host.

They want the host because, you know, they're a big star.

And

she,

I don't think she knew of me.

And she took a chance and did it and had a blast.

And after the show, she, I went in her dress room and chatted with her.

And she was so fun and was like, what are you, what's, what are you in next?

I got to look up, you know, your next movie or whatever.

And she just was really cool.

Nice.

Did you tell her about handsome?

I didn't.

I should have.

Yeah.

I felt like if I tried to explain to her and then ask her for a question, she was like, girl, get out of here.

And you'd be like, well, at least you got my gender right.

That's true.

But yeah,

it was a good week.

I was only asking what is reasonably late

just because I think you remember I told you about I was three minutes late to somebody's show once, and they were really upset with me.

Yeah, that's an unreasonable thing to be mad about.

Not an unreasonably late time.

Yeah.

I was just curious if you were going to say she was three minutes late.

No, she was an hour and a half.

Okay.

Arnold, on the other hand, hit the show taped at four, and they asked him to be at rehearsal at two

and he was there at two.

Okay.

And,

you know, most big movie stars like that would be like, I'm not coming to rehearsal.

Uh-huh.

And he, because he was part of the monologue as well.

I see.

Okay.

So it was fun.

Well, good.

I'm glad it was a good time.

I appreciate it.

And then, like, what about late night and hosting late night?

Are you like, ooh, I like this?

Or I liked it a a lot but like what specific were you like oh I like the monologue the most or oh I loved the sitting down talking to the guests or oh I thought run-through was really fun or yeah you know well Jimmy's staff is so lovely and yeah and fun and positive that the days were very felt very easy

I mean I was nervous for sure but they made me feel like well taken care of did you feel nervous when you were taping or when you a little bit when i first started the monologue but then i got much looser as the week went out went on uh-huh you know it's just the the monologue i really enjoy it's just getting that

reading the teleprompter down

yeah yeah the interviews are fun but they are a lot more to juggle and you're just trying to like listen to the people you're trying to think of the next question listen to their answer you're trying to care about what they're saying yes and watch the time to make sure you wrap it up or get enough.

You have to either get enough or

wrap it up.

So, it's just a little bit more

moving part.

So, I'd say the monologue is the most fun.

Nice.

Do you want your own talk show?

I would not be opposed to it.

I don't know that late nights,

how much of a future it has.

Right.

With Colbert getting

canceled, that feels like the beginning of some tide turning.

Yeah.

But it was really fun to get to try.

Well, great.

Congrats again.

Should we get to some questions?

I think we should get to some questions.

I mean, that's why we're here.

So why not give the people what they want?

Let's do it.

Hi, my handsome Bennett.

This is Star, like Twinkle Twinkle.

So you know how in the high school yearbook, people vote for class clown or best hair or most likely two?

What category did you want to win in high school?

And what category would you want to win today?

Feel free to make up new categories for today's yearbook.

Huh.

Well,

I only made it to ninth grade.

Stop ragging.

I only made it to ninth grade and I dropped out.

So I probably deep down wanted to be voted funniest.

But in a really funny twist, my best friend

got that.

Yeah.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

And I think she would admit, I'm funnier than her.

Well, I mean, you are a professional comedian now, so that's not hard to believe.

I know.

I just, I don't want to say it at a regular level, you know?

Because she does listen to this podcast from time to time.

Well, you took yourself out of the running by quitting

failing and dropping out.

Yeah.

Thomas, did I tell you that Beth won the funniest person?

No, I don't think I knew that.

That's funny.

Yeah, I mean, Beth is a very fun, funny, great sense of humor person, but I don't think anybody was like, this one's a clown right here.

Right.

Because she's so like just a good, also a very good person and like

earnest and kind and you know uh not that you can't be that but she just made good grades she you know she just always excels and does the right thing and um and i

was not

and um

anyway it it was a funny twist in our friendship

she got it um

but uh there you are i actually was voted uh wittiest, which is our version of funniest.

Oh, wittiest.

So you got the grand prize.

I got the grand prize.

I actually was voted two.

I was voted wittiest and most athletic, and they asked, told me to choose.

Wow, fortune, overachiever.

I thought, well,

even at the time, I was like, I would rather be known as being funny than being athletic.

And why is that?

Because back then I thought, well, clearly everyone knows I'm athletic.

Whereas

everyone's like, well, we know you're funny.

We didn't know you were athletic.

And what were your

soccer?

Was that one of those?

When in high school I played

soccer was one of my sports.

I didn't play in high school, though.

Softball?

Softball, basketball, and tennis.

My God.

No wonder you got those calves.

I mean, these calves have been popping my whole life.

Yeah, yeah.

So, yeah,

I got those superlative, that superlative then, but if I had to choose one now,

would you do you have one that you could think of now?

Oh, I just remembered a joke from the first year I started doing stand-up.

I used to make a joke that I was voted

in high school, I was voted least likely,

just least likely.

That's the end of the joke.

That's it.

That's funny.

Maybe I'll bring that back.

Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking All State First.

Like you know, to check and see when your favorite bird is due to be migrating through your local area.

That's when it's time to grab your binoculars and get your bird watching on.

Checking first is smart.

So check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with All State.

Savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

All-state fire and casualty insurance, company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

What would I want now?

Most likely

to live

to be 100.

Oh, nice.

I like that.

Yeah.

Well, I don't know if I told you, but Stephanie said she wants to die together.

Okay.

And I told her, I'm 15 years older, so I have bad news.

You're for sure going to die alone.

And

I said, the good news is you can start dating you'll have a whole new life and and she's like no we have to die together so you can do it and so that kind of did kickstart me wanting to like really take care of myself

yeah and um so i want to see if i can just how far i can go but uh so her she's her goal in life is always to to live to be 100.

And I said, well, if I have to live to be 100, you have to live to be 115.

So

that's true.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I saw you crunching those numbers.

I know.

I was like, yeah.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah.

Well, I like it.

I like that y'all love each other that much that she can't bear the thought of being on earth without you.

That's very romantic.

What are we going to do?

Just both have a heart attack on the same day?

There are some couples that like,

well, even Sarah Silverman's dad and his stepmom, wasn't it like pretty soon?

Yeah.

But there are some couples that like have been together so long that when one dies, the other one's just like, I'm out.

Yeah.

This is it.

And they just die a couple days apart.

Yeah.

Well, I love that superlative.

I would maybe the

one that's the most on the nose would be best gams.

Obviously.

Of course.

I would hope that I would win that superlative.

You would.

For Best Games?

Well, then I would win Best Dumpster Tits.

But I think the superlative for our podcast would probably be someone winning most handsome

or best guns.

Yeah.

I think we should all three wrestle at once.

We should.

This sounds

like a real treat for our

mud baggers.

The three of us that just wrestling is wild.

Mud wrestling.

Mud

wrestling.

Topless.

Mud wrestling, please.

In bikinis.

Put it on things.

You and Meg would be in bikinis.

You can be in.

Well,

May would be topless.

So would I.

Oh, yeah.

Dumpster tits would be topless.

Hey, don't call me that.

And then you would be in a sexy bikini.

I am not going to be that sexy.

Yes, you are.

I will definitely have my top on, and it will be a full-blown

for one second, and then it's coming off.

Y'all would be trying to rip it off.

How dare you?

Yeah, well, God, this sounds highly sexual.

Okay, you jumped a few steps here.

I'm just mud wrestling with my friends.

Nothing.

So funny.

Well, one of these days when we have our hands,

we'll have to have a handsome cruise.

Yeah.

We'll have a cruise and we'll ask the ship to provide a mud wrestling stage.

When you said that, I pictured the three of us talking to the actual ship, like the outside, the outside of it docked and then saying, can you?

Should we hear what star as in Twinkle Twinkle has to say?

Let's hear it.

I won best looking, but I always wanted to be voted funniest

and in today's yearbook i'd love to be voted most likely to die surrounded by 101 dalmatians

because

dogs are the greatest true true love you guys uh well i thought she was gonna say surrounded by 101 year olds.

I was like, well, I guess I can push it one more year.

And second of all, star, send in a photo.

Okay.

You can't just be dropping, I'm the hottest one in my school, and then not give us a peek-a-boo.

Am I right?

I think Star wanted to ask us that question just to drop

because she was voted hottest in school.

For sure.

Way to go, Star.

What if I told you I won hottest in my school?

I would love that.

I would be so happy to hear that.

Oh, look what someone sent my mom.

They sent this to my mom, by the way.

Not to me.

It was to Ginger Feemster.

Okay, Dyke.

I can't see what's on the picture, though.

It's you.

Oh, it is?

That's your picture.

I have terrible eyesight.

Of you being very handsome.

Yes, indeed.

I was 19, 18, 19.

I could see this gal getting voted hottest.

Wait, why does it say okay, Dyke, comma?

Let's see.

It's okay.

Oh, you're right.

That seems like somebody.

They made a comma.

It's supposed to be in between the words, right?

For sure.

They're like, I know there's a comma in there somewhere.

Just throw it in.

On what planet would Ginger Feemster wear that t-shirt that said okay?

Well, she walked out with it and she goes, what is this?

And she goes, and why is it getting sent to me?

And I was like, that's Tig.

And it's one of Tig's jokes that

Tig does

a handsome pod and life.

So now people say, okay, Dyke.

I need to get some OK Dyke merch made.

Yeah, you do.

All right.

Do we have another

question?

Hello.

My name is Sid, and I am from just north of New York City.

I am a huge fan of the pod and all of your work individually.

I am also an English language arts teacher for high school students.

And

my question concerns the part of teaching ELA that I struggle with most, and that is writing personal narratives.

Although my students have many interesting stories, they never seem to know how to start.

And so I was wondering if you could share something about your process when writing personal narratives for your stand-up routines or any of your work.

Here's what I'm going to say about where to start.

I always think about

how it's helpful typically to just get into it.

Yeah.

Where does the story begin?

And for sure,

it can help to

tee something up.

Am I answering this question correctly?

Yep.

Okay.

It's certainly helpful to

tee something up.

And as we discussed,

the brilliant Andrea Gibson passed away very sadly.

And I've been on my walks in the morning, I've been thinking about

what am I going to say because Andrea's memorial is coming up that I'm going to speak at.

And what I keep going back to is: what do i want to say

and just get into it just start where it started at the beginning and and that doesn't necessarily mean start at the beginning of time of knowing the person

but

this is what i want to say right and where does that begin just get in because if you think in terms of like an editor

You know,

cut it down.

What do you want to say?

Get into it.

I don't know if that's helpful.

No, I think it's very helpful because that is sometimes the hardest part is just learning where to start.

When you get this like assignment, you're like, where do I even begin?

Like when people are going to write a book or something.

And I think that is the best thing.

Just like, you got to

start somewhere.

So, I mean, I do the same similar thing.

Because all of my stories are based on something that happened.

So I just take like what actually happened and I write it out as it actually happened.

This happened, then this happened, then this happened, then this happened.

And so, I just get it out in a way that's like factual.

And then I start filling in the gaps with

jokes or punchlines, or like, oh, that's not descriptive enough.

Let me change that word.

And I just sort of, yeah, get out the what happened of it all and then

elevate it later

so that's my process

I was just thinking about when I wrote my book called I'm just a person

I started my first chapter the moment I left the hospital after my mother died oh wow

and that was

I can't even explain

because if you put aside like you get into you just get into it

everything that happened in 2012 with health and death and relationship everything that went to hell in my life that was

something that was so scarring because i was alone and i got into a taxi at three in the morning after my mother died and the taxi driver i think was tweaking oh gosh and the craziest situation took place when I needed to just quietly drive home or I needed the comfort of a stranger, and I was sent on a hell ride.

And so I wanted to just start my book right there.

And then, in using that,

let that kind of

open

every other story about my mother, about where my health was, about where my life was.

It just, I don't know, I don't know why.

I just felt so compelled to start there.

Yeah.

So I guess I'm bringing that up because you don't have to start from the beginning.

You can use a jumping off point that will open the doors to the beginning, middle, end, and whatever.

So anyway,

I think that's solid advice.

Same, same.

Let's hear what Sid's answer is.

My answer, what I say to try to help them, is don't begin at the beginning.

Just start where you have an image in your mind.

or the writing flows easily.

And who knows, maybe the introduction will grow from there.

Thank you so much.

And if you do answer my question, I will play it in class for my students.

Aw.

Well, hi, students.

Yeah.

Good luck, students.

Good luck.

And thank you for, and that wasn't sarcastic.

It's really like, good luck, students.

Good luck.

You've got this.

Yes, yes, yes.

And Sid, so do you.

And thank you for writing in and or actually calling in.

And thanks to everyone that has submitted questions.

We love getting them, they're always fun and like, wow, I didn't expect that, like SIDS

and Star, like Twinkle Twinkle.

And

yeah, do you have anything that you want to share, Fortune, before we head out of here?

No, just

on the road doing a ton of shows, some fun cities coming up, like Chicago, and Atlanta, and Mobile, and Richmond, and D.C.

So get your tickets.

Nice.

West Hampton, New York,

Provincetown, Massachusetts, Biloxi, Mississippi, go to tignotaro.com.

Also, if you like the podcast, share an episode.

Share your favorite episode.

Share this episode and help us build this handsome, handsome community.

And until next time,

keep it

pretty

handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tignotaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gun podcast.

Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance by checking all estate first.

Like, you know, to check that you have your small notebook with you when you're going on a phone-free walk.

That way, if you have any deep, interesting thoughts, you can write them down to read later.

Check-in First is smart, so check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with Allstate.

Savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Allstate Fire and Casualty Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.