Ed Helms asks about a hill you'd die on

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Handsome. Chat with friends on the handsome pot.
Chatting with friends on the handsome pod.

Cheers.

Welcome to the handsome pod. I'm one of your hosts, Fortune Veemster.
And I'm May Martin. And I am your third and final host, Tignotaro.
Hi, guys. Hello.
Hi. I am

so so much.

Do you? Yeah, I've been thinking about you, and now you come on here with this sexy new haircut. Yes, yes, I did.
Yes, and your lumberjack shirt. Yes, I did.
Just looking all handsome-y.

Very Jack Kerouac. Now, here's something interesting that I didn't know.
I'm in jeans, a white t-shirt, and a flannel. Yeah.

And somebody here in Toronto, I'm out here filming season two of Starfleet Academy.

And they said, thank you for wearing your Canadian tuxedo. Is that

also

flannel?

Yeah, incorrect. Incorrect.
That's what I thought, but I

who's this dumbass Canadian? Hey, just kidding. There's already enough trouble between the U.S.
and Canada. I think that's an imposter.
I think that is an American. That's an American, yeah.

Yeah, because definitely Canadian tuxedo is double denim, right? That's double denim. To me, you're wearing like almost an American iconic classic combo.

I thought this was a dumbass American who said this. Hey, Fortune Marie!

What? I'm calling it like I see it. Okay, well, either way, I just

said, yeah, and I thought, wow, I must not know something. And I was just zipping between wardrobe and hair and all that.

And just was, I didn't go back to do my typical thing of, I'm sorry, I didn't fully understand. Can you go back and explain to me what, and I don't mean this as any offense, I just want to clarify.

Were you saying, I feel like that's me walking around the planet? If anybody. Really? You feel like you do that?

Like you're like something will stay in your mind and then you'll go, when you said on Wednesday that. Oh, I can't move on.

Like if somebody, huh? I said, oh, really? Are you being sarcastic? Because I need to go back and clarify. Are you being sarcastic? No.

No, just if somebody says something and I don't fully understand, I have to stop and get clarification. If anything, you look like the brawny paper towel guy.
What about just a lesbian? Yeah.

Yeah, fortunately. Nobody has mentioned that.
Everybody's like Jack Kerouac and Brawny.

How about

you look like a big old dyke? Okay, Dyke.

Yeah. Oh, man.

I think that's good to check for clarification because think about all the misunderstandings in the world that you could, you could like carry a grudge for years just because you didn't check.

What did you mean by by that? Oh my gosh. I am constantly just needing to understand.

And then a few times I step,

I make a misstep and I come across as more aggressive than I meant to be. Right.
And you're saying.

Yeah, because I didn't, I'm not meaning to be aggressive. I'm just trying to get my point across or like go back and clarify and ask some questions.

And then, and then it's like, oh, you know, whatever. And then I'm like, no, I did it again.
To them, it sounds like you're going, Hey, can I just clarify, why were you such an asshole two days ago?

Right. And I see you're back from

May. You're no longer.

I thought about you today that you'd notice that I

did come back early, but I might go back out there, but I don't believe, I don't think you will. I was supposed to be there till you know for another five days or something.
And then today,

I'd been alone for three days. Then I had friends come up, and my friend was packing up her car.

And like she was packing and and I suddenly thought I gotta get in that car I gotta get out I gotta get out of here

and so I packed up as much as I could and I got so I'm back for a couple days and it's real I gotta say it's really nice well let me ask you this did you bring all your stuff back in the Uber no I brought what I could fit in my friend's car and then I got still stuff up there so I'm gonna go you do gotta go back okay or are you gonna send your assistant

i could

was like i didn't even think of that i never think of that, but yeah, you're right, I could do that. Oh, well, just pay for the gas.
It is nice to be back.

What is so nice about being back, like specifically that's hitting you where you're like, ah, this feels good? I think I just have like a creeping sense of guilt about being like on vacation.

Like, just and not that I'm doing work up there, like, I'm gonna do all the same things here, but it's just nice.

And all my little objects, it's nice to know I can get my forks, not their, that's a bad example, but like stuff that's mine, you know?

And what are you working on currently? I'm working on a pitch for a new series that I'm pitching soon. And then all kinds of things.
Oh, because Wayward is just a.

It's like a limited series. Yeah.

It's eight apps. But man, I had a good time up there, guys.
And I'm going to go back. And I had my friends from grade eight come and visit.
Did I tell you about that? No. Up there in the woods.

So these are friends who, if I'm being honest, we weren't even that close in grade grade eight i appreciate that honesty i gotta be

but we were friends and in middle school and then they had come to shows in the past couple years and then i hear myself go to one of them about three months ago i go you should come to this cottage that i rented and she even was like you don't know me and she goes what are we going to talk about like people from grade eight and i was like exactly that's were you interested in her at all no no these are two old friends yeah both no, not both married, but two old friends.

So they, one of them flew from San Francisco, one from Vancouver. And it was so fun.
And they brought their yearbooks. And we went through, we talked about every single teacher and student.

We talked about where they are now. We talked like

to shed light on their middle school experience, too. It was incredible.
That's really interesting.

I can't believe I came with somebody you barely have talked to. I know.
And it was the best. It was like, it was like picking up where we left off.

And I do have, so Amy brought her old grade seven diary, so she was 13, and we weren't even that close. So I was like, oh, there won't be anything about me in there.
Can I read you guys this?

Please, toxic diary entry. Yeah.
I guess, okay, Claire and I, there's Amy and Claire. Claire and I had beef because she made out with Mark Raven's Emla.
Although I had heard about that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Everybody heard about that. Yeah, yeah.

Okay, so that's referenced in this diary. So, okay.
So this is what Amy wrote. And she presented it to me.
She goes, oh, my God, this is so funny.

Like, you, and, and I'm hearing it going, I'm, I'm toxic in this. Like, I am so clearly in love with this guy, Will Smythe.
And I've invited over Claire and Amy to Will's.

Yeah, Will Smythe. Not to be confused with Will Smith.
Yeah, he's the knockoff, do-it-yourself version. Yeah.
The DIY Will Smith.

Okay. So picture me, braces, acne.
I'm friends with a boy, which I'm excited about. And I'm at his house.

And I think I've decided I'm going to invite over these two other girls to just show them I have friends or show them I'm friends with a cool boy. That's my interpretation.
Okay.

May called me from Will's house and invited me over. Oh, and by the way, I'm just, I'm in this dire entry.
I'm she, her, and I'm just going to do that. Okay.

I really, I mean, pictures of the girls. You're going back to that time.
Yeah, yeah. You couldn't have been more what? More she, her in that moment.
Like braces, acne, long hair, obsessed with Will.

Okay. Will Smythe.
Will Smythe. Okay.
May called me from Will's house and invited me over. So I went to his house.
Claire was there too.

Claire was flirting so much with Will, and he was reacting, even though May hates Claire and Will is good friends with May. May didn't like it at all.

So then

we kind of played broken telephone between the three of us with me being in the middle. So I'm saying to Amy, can you tell Claire this?

Because I'm not speaking to Claire, even though I've invited them over.

So Mae asked if Claire liked Will and Claire said no. Then May said, still through me,

that she was leading him on and it was bad. Then Claire just

leading on Will. Also, what's, how is it my business? I'm like, you're leading him on.
Like, just because I love him, right? Like, clearly I'm in love with him.

And you weren't getting a vibe from him? No, all I remember about him is people would say, oh, you guys are like Ross and Rachel. Like, will they, won't they? And I was like, they will.
Trust me.

And he

was not interested.

Okay, then this is so dramatic. But maybe now that you've had top surgery.
You think then Will would be into it?

Maybe, maybe he'd be like, hey, you know, that's all I was looking for is a little short hair, top surgery. You know what I mean? Because that is you before was not what he was looking for.

You don't have acne, you got short hair, got top surgery. What I'm I'm getting from this is that Will is wildly interested in everyone else but me.

Okay, this is it's almost over, but it gets dramatic. So, oh, then Claire just stood up and sat as far away as possible from us.

I felt really bad because I was the one who said it, and I think Claire was kind of mad at me, but then everything was okay. Later on in the night, get this: Will was flirting with me, she says.

So now Will starts flirting with Amy. Oh my gosh, this is crazy.
My plan is backfired, right? This is blowing my mind. Thank you, Tig.
Yeah. And all Will wants is to get blown, right?

Fortune Marie!

What?

For the whole end of the movie, we were watching Road Trip, classic.

Will had his head in my lap and his arm around my lower back. Whoa.

So imagine me fuming at this, right? Oh, for sure. Steam is blowing out of your ears.
This is so bad. It says, while he was like that, May whispered to me asking if I liked him.
I said, I don't know.

Then she said, He liked me. So I told her I liked him.
And for the, this is so embarrassing. For the rest of the night, May kept taking us aside one at a time.
No.

To talk about this.

Yeah, May kept taking us aside one at a time. And then at the end of the night, she said that Will's going to camp this weekend for two months anyway.
So that's why he doesn't want to ask me out.

I was like, okay, but it was so embarrassing to be me. The end.
Oh my God. And do you have any recollection of this? There's some distant memory of being at his house and being excited.

Maybe he was like, can we invite some other people over? This is boring. And I, I start calling through my class list and I get Amy and Claire over.
And just were they just inseparable?

They were pretty close, but not besties. No.
Oh. So the fact that the three of us were there and then the three of us have now found each other at this cottage.
Oh my god. 20 years later.

I just love you pulling everyone aside.

You're like, we need to talk about this how controlling really needed to get information over and over again i'm just like trying to establish who likes will does will like them back and then i want to let them know listen he's going to camp anyway so you're not gonna have him this is that perfect example in life where it's like get over it now because you're gonna eventually get over it 100 that would have felt so intense to me in the moment Uh-huh.

And yeah, I have no memory of it. And does anyone know where Will is? No, I actually just looked for him on Instagram.
I couldn't, I mean, there's a lot of Will Smythes. He's getting jiggy with it.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Get it? Thank you. I'll be here all day.
Willie? How insane to take people aside one at a time.

You got to get that information, baby. That's how you do it.
Hey,

do you connect with that part of yourself still? That you're... Like, even if it's not totally exactly what you're reading, are you like, that is a little bit like that?

Yeah, that's what I'm hating it. Is that, yeah, it does.
Well, the like almost limerence, like, I, that I'm, I'm just into someone.

I got blinders on, and I'm like, I don't know, I'm getting myself in a mess about it. And I'm, and I'm,

I can just feel the emotional energy like radiating off me. Yeah.
Yeah.

What do you think would have happened if it was the three of us and Will?

You'd have him. You would totally get Will.
Do you think? Oh, he yes, I do. What would we have done with Will? Well, Fortune and I would have been cuddling.
That's true. That's true.

I would have been combing Tig's hair.

Putting lotion

on her arms.

That was my go-to move.

I just wanted to touch someone.

Mainly women. And did you announce that beforehand? I just want to touch someone.

Your arms look dry.

Are you serious? Yeah, yeah. This is my signature move.

Your arms look dry. Do you want me to put some lotion on them? They're like, sure.

There had to have been an entire school of women, of girls talking behind your back, going, oh my God,

she put lotion on my arms too.

She said my boobs look dry, too. Never talked about boobs.
I was a classy gal.

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I kept it to lotion and I would just touch, I would just, it kept it to the arm

right here, the forearm. The forearm.
And it was the same. But the arm is connected to the boob, though.

It didn't touch a single boob. I don't believe you.
I promise you. I think you were putting lotion on dry boobs.
I was too scared of women to try any sexual thing. The lotion was as far as I got.

But did you, you didn't even know then that you were. No, I had no clue, but I mean there's there's a couple friendships I had in high school that were clearly so gay

without any

without any kissing Yeah, but it was like writing notes to each other leaving them in the car in each other's car in the lockers

being so intense when they would like have a date going over to their house and like cut like spooning and cuddling and just like so intense about each other. I'm like, this was so gay.

Were you like, let me spoon you? No, we just did it. We just like were cuddling.
And there, I remember this one girl's mom kind of looking at us like, what is happening?

And we were like hugging on each other all the time. And like, it was.
Wow. Yeah.

I wasn't affectionate at all. I love affection.
I'm a.

I enjoy it now. I'm just saying at that age, I was not.
If somebody was going to cuddle me or you wouldn't have liked it?

No, I would have been like, you know, what

freeze up. So, would I feel like your move might have been, would you like kind of make fun of people as you're flirting?

Like, your move, you'd focus in on somebody you didn't even know you were flirting, but you were just like, I always make fun of that one girl because I like how she laughs when I do it.

I mean,

yeah.

Oh, yeah, I mean, definitely. And I had this one friendship.

I guess I had two,

maybe three friendships, where

there definitely was a gay vibe. And I definitely felt like they saw me as like their boyfriend or something.

And I would easily upset them. And they were, I had one of them,

her boyfriend came up to me and asked me to stop spending as much time with her.

Oh my God, funny. Yeah.

So, but I was clueless. I was just like, I didn't know.
It's that thing that it's just naturally there between people and the connection is kind of crushy, romantic. Yeah.
But you're young.

And yeah, it was confusing

for sure. But I wasn't putting lotion on anyone.

I didn't have a crush on every single girl I was good friends with, but there was a handful where it was Crush City. And have you talked about it now as an adult?

Have you been like, yeah, I had a crush on you?

I don't think so. I don't think I've ever...
A couple of them I've not, I don't talk to them anymore. Yeah.

And a couple I do, but it was never a thing.

Wouldn't you recommend like getting your old middle school friends together to just shed light on like

that time? Like there was so many details that I'd forgotten and weird scandals in the class in grade eight and things that I'd forgotten. And it was so, it was so nice.
I love it.

I love how dramatic people are when they're young, especially middle school. It's just like crazy.
And then the people that are so dramatic now, imagine what they were like in middle school.

I mean, because there are still those people now that is, I cannot, I cannot believe how dramatic and

stirring stuff up yeah and then thinking about them as a kid it's like

igly

so you're in toronto tig yeah and i want to say one last thing about that i've had a couple of people that i grew up with saying

Did you have a crush on me? Or my friend thought you had a crush on me? Like after they found out I was gay. Yeah.
I did not have any knowledge of any crush on anybody. Yeah.
You know?

And always the people that ask you are never the people that you had a crush on. Yeah.

Like,

no, no, no, no, no.

But yeah, I'm in Toronto.

We've been on

vacation for a long time and then got back.

Stephanie and Max and Finn went home and I went to Toronto. And it's that weird feeling of I immediately miss my family when we said goodbye at the airport.

But,

and this is no offense to anybody in my immediate family, but there was something nice to just check in to where I'm staying in Toronto and just decompress and settle because we have been traveling non-stop for the past couple of months.

Yeah. And

yeah, yeah, it's it feels nice and it feels good to be back at Star Trek. Everybody's so nice.
And I did almost four hours of ADR today. Oh, my God.

For the entire first season, where they just added more lines in, and I redid a few of my old lines

where there was audio glitches, or I didn't deliver it well.

But they also just added so many.

And

like full plot lines that are just on the back of your head. Yeah.

No, but I have to say, like, it looks really good. I'm really excited.
And I had talked to my friend Alex, who is the creator and runs the whole Star Trek universe. And he was like, Tig, it's so

good.

I mean,

of course, you know, as

we know, Holly Hunter is the lead, but also the... the young cadets on the show, every actor on this show.
I'm just like, wow.

You're good, you're good, good, you are good.

How do you find it watching yourself? Are you you're used to it by now? I'm used to it, but I'm

more

still kind of in the, it's still fun to see myself in the Star Trek world where I'm like in like high stress explosion, you know, that kind of thing. And I'm just not normally in that, obviously.

You're seeing it with all the, with all the special effects done and everything?

No, not necessarily, but the sh the

you like rock and

get knocked over and

you know, just that kind of stuff.

So fun. But just to see myself so intense, like trying to get us out of situations and telling everybody what to do

as a commander. And I don't know.
It's it's fun. I'm I remain happy and proud to be a part of the star trek universe is it's the same crew like the same

people on

like same makeup and hair and stuff oh oh oh um there's some people that came over from star trek discovery but um there's also some new ones and they're all just talented nice great all of those things and it's true I'm pumped to go to Toronto.

I'm jealous that you're there. Yeah.
I'm going to be there soon. I think we're going to miss each other, though.
I spent two summers there. It's so weird not knowing I'm not going back.

No more foobar. I know.
How do you feel? I saw that. And how do you feel? And I'm so sorry about that.
That's all good. Oh, did you, did you post something on, I guess, on Instagram?

No, it just, it just they didn't renew it. Oh, okay.
That's so tough. Because, did you like when you end one season, if you think it's coming back, you don't really do all your goodbyes properly?

Yeah, I mean, a lot of the

live in LA, so um, it's just like, well, like, Tig, Tig's hair person is this same one I had, yeah. So, it's so crazy.
Like, I miss so many of the crew, yeah.

Um, it's weird not to get to say bye to them, um, but I gotta tell her goodbye for you, please. Yes, yes, my sweet Sherlann.
Um,

I, yeah, there's like some not closure to it, and you you kind of mentally go, Oh, I, because we thought we'd maybe have three seasons and that I'd have one more, um,

hurrah in Toronto, but it all worked out.

I booked a new show

that starts in a couple weeks, and I'm excited about it. Wow, that's quick.
Yeah, it's a Will Farrell.

I thought you were going to say it's like a Will Smyth situation.

It's just like Will Smythe, where I kept whispering if people like him. But where you, you know, you're sad about one thing for a minute and then somebody else comes along.

Yeah, I mean, honestly, I wouldn't have been able to do do this one if that had been renewed. So it's like one door closes, this other cool opportunity opens.
Will, I love Will Farrell. He's like my,

and it's Will Farrell and Molly Shannon. So you talk about when I was in high school, I worshiped

them. They were my SNL cast, like that I

just, I told him the other, uh, the other day, I said, I watched your sketches and I memorized them and I performed them for my friends.

And so were they like, can we see it?

And to like have this full circle moment where I'm like with the two of them is nuts. And it's a fun show.
It's about he's a golfer and I play his caddy,

but I'm like his mini me. I'm like his shadow like throughout the show.
So it's a trip. I'll just be playing off of him for this entire show.
So I'm

really excited for it what is it on uh netflix oh nice i'm so excited to see that comedy dynamic whatever it is between you and him like yeah and our hair is the same

what

and so is it just the three of you or are there other cast members there's a couple other people yeah but it's a small it's a smaller cast uh-huh that's awesome

to get to i mean i my fantasy is always getting people to laugh like if you get to crack up will and ruin and take that would be the dream. I know.

I mean, I got to, I did these two other movies with him, but like, really only like a short scene in one. And then the other movie I did with him recently, he and I didn't have scenes together.

Um, but I just doing the one scene with him in that first movie, I was like, this is like the dream. And then the scene got cut.

So it feels like, okay, that was just like a fun practice to this because

this makes up for all of that. Yeah, and the way that it's written is it's going to lend itself to a ton of improv and a ton of bouncing.
Like, we're basically going to be like,

you know, a duo

for a good chunk of it. I mean, he's the star, but like, I'm like

the person that he keeps coming back to.

So it's a trip. You guys are going to become one of those famous comedy duos.

Feral and fortune. Feral and fortune.
Feral and Seamster. Him and Molly are so

at the table reading just watching the two of them is hilarious. Does she have a caddy in it? Can we sign up? Can me and Tig be her caddies?

She's not a golfer in this, but you never know where it would be. But that would be even funnier if she had two caddies and she's not a golfer.
Well, tell the writers. Let's call them up.

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Well, let's get to

our question.

Today's question asker is a Screen Actors Guild and Writers Guild award-winning actor, comedian, musician, and writer who played Andy Bernard in The Office and Stu in the Hangover movie trilogy.

He co-created and starred in Rutherford Falls and recently published a book titled Snafu. Ed Helms is asking today's question.
Nice.

Oh, hello, handsome. How are you?

I am traveling. As you can see, I'm in a car.

I just landed in Chicago and I'm on my way to my hotel. And

uh

it's so funny when you're traveling I'm actually on my book tour right now by the way I'm gonna shamelessly plug it the book is called snafu the definitive guide to history's greatest screw-ups read it it will make you smarter it will make you funnier and it will make you a killer at dinner parties so

there's that and yes I'm on the road and and I keep

when when you're traveling you just keep running into these like little frustrations frustrations, these tiny little things that, these hiccups, things that go wrong, or are

you, you know, just moving through airports, there's like slow people in front of you, or and you're in a hurry, or like you get to the hotel, and like there's no, there's no soap, or there's no towel, or something like that, just all these weird little annoying things that are super frustrating.

And it's just, it's, it, it just made me laugh, like, how passionate we get about things that don't really matter that much things that don't really have

that big of an impact on the universe but but those are some of the things that we just get so like intense about

so my question is

what

is

a really

mundane hill that you will die on

what is something that is basically meaningless but you have just an incredibly strong opinion about

all right

i have one of these first of all ed's so funny he

plays the banjo yeah and that's such a fun instrument that i really wish i could play it's so like i don't know in what world i would have as a kid been like i want to play the banjo

steve martin both play the banjo really well yeah also how that book sounds like my dream book it's like interesting facts about history. It's like for he also has a podcast called Snafu.

Yeah, it's Snafu, the podcast. Oh, I'm going to listen to all these things right now on audio.

Especially when he said

you'll be a hit at dinner parties. I was like, I can plan my human interactions.
He also had me moderate his Q ⁇ A for his Snafu

book. thing in Los Angeles.
I just remember it. Oh, really?

Yeah,

a funny night. It was a funny night.
People are still so obsessed with the office. It's wild.
Yeah. Yeah.
Deeply. I was on the office for one episode.
Oh, really? And yeah. And people

will be, they know me from nothing else but the office. And they'll just be like, are you from the office?

I mean, I guess. Yes,

it went off Netflix, but when it was on Netflix, it was like their most watched show of like all time, I think. Like

it is one of those ones that you can just have on in your house while you're like it's so soothing and so funny and never ages. It's there's so many of those seasons I've never seen.
Really?

Ed is also one of those really

just sincere,

nice guys, you know, that his

comedy can just sneak up on you, which makes it all the more hilarious. Yeah.

Like,

aside, like, I did this independent film with him years ago, and I had never, aside from being in the office, I had never worked with him really. And I was stunned by, of course, he's funny.

He's on a show where you improv.

But, like, I just kept saying to him, your stupid face, like, because it made me laugh every time I looked at him. And he had a million,

I guess I'm just explaining improv to two people that know improv and do improv, but I just, I was so, you know how not everyone is nailing it with improv. Okay.
Yeah.

Ed Helms nailing it, nailing it, nailing it. Just such a funny guy.

And to this day, he is like, yeah, me and my stupid face.

Just a callback from that. But

he's so kind of unassuming, you know? Yeah. Except he's walking around airports irate about

meaningless things.

And he's from the office and a bunch of other things, the hangover. So he's not terribly unassuming.
Yeah. Fortune, did you have a thing that I have a hill I will die on?

It's not travel related, though it happens a lot when I travel for sure. Because I will say in general, most things slide right off my back.

I think I can say, and my friends would agree that I'm pretty easygoing for the most part.

I will get worked up for sure, like anybody. But in life in general,

pretty chill. You're a cool cucumber, yeah.
I'm a cool cucumber. So if things go awry, eh, whatever.

But for whatever reason, I am so

obsessed with my coffee order.

Are you familiar with the comedian Henry Phillips? No.

He has an internet, a video. He's so funny.
He has a video series called You and Your Fucking Coffee.

He would be annoyed by me. Look up.
Well, it's just all of those situations where people are particular and outraged.

Yeah, outraged. Check him out, Henry Phillips.
It's the one thing I'm very particular about.

So here's my coffee drink of choice. It is espresso on ice with a little bit of oat milk.

So technically, it would be considered like an iced version of a cortado. Cortado.
Yeah. Okay.
I'm going to remember that for we both have to write that down, Tig. I already knew it.

If I get that wrong, okay, yeah. So

here's the problem. Back in my other times in life, I would drink a latte.

And then I went on this diet where you had to pull out all the sugars and the creams and stuff. And I just drank straight espresso.
So, during that time, I learned to really love just espresso.

But it's a lot. You need to cut it with some milk, you know, because otherwise it can be kind of bitter.
So, it made me be very like cognizant of how much milk is in a latte.

And a latte is essentially an entire cup of milk

with a dollop of espresso. So it's, it's almost white.

So when you order a latte, you're drinking a cup of milk. Yeah.
And I don't want a cup of milk as a grown-ass woman. I want to taste the espresso because I love the taste of espresso.

So I will go to a coffee shop. Now you need to settle down because we didn't do your order wrong.
Okay, but don't take it out on us. This is a passion.

You're right, but he's up. It's the hill I'm dying on.

You're gesturing like you're running for office.

People are like,

people are better about it now. But in early days of ordering this, I would say to people, can I get an iced Cortado? And they go, Cortados aren't iced.
And I would say,

but it's just a Cortado. And you put ice in it and and they and there were baristas that would fight with me yeah it they're not iced and i go fine can i order a cortado and can i buy a cup of ice

now it's more it's more work for them because now they've got to go foam the milk you don't got to foam the milk in an iced cortado you just pour the milk into this reso bloop there it is so they would do all this stuff foam the milk Heat it up put it in a in and then put it in a warm Cortado cup hand me the ice and I would literally take the cortado and pour it into The ice.

Did you do it like making eye contact?

Yeah. No, I was wasting

cups even though I paid for the ice. It's so you're not they are they are and it would drive me nuts.
So I stopped asking for an ice cortado because they'd, so many people like, you know, ice cortado.

Oh, wait, where are you getting your coffee that they're talking like that?

There are coffee places where the breasts are real sanati. Yeah.
Yeah.

So now, so the sweet spot that I've landed on now is I say, I would like to order an espresso on ice with a little bit of oat milk, and there's no problem. Yeah.

Guys, it's literally just an ice cortado. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you had to describe each ingredient in order to get the thing that you wanted.

I had to just say it all because then sometimes people would give me an iced Americano and then put milk in that, and I go, and I can taste it right away. I'm like, oh, there's water in this, right?

You don't want their water. Oh, yeah, you don't want water in it.
No, I don't. And so, um, what

now? If someone gets it wrong,

I am scared.

Now, if someone gets it wrong and you're in a hurry or they give you shit about it, Like,

are you telling them the way you just told us? Like, yeah, I will say, can I get espresso on ice with a little bit of oat milk?

Some baristas are so lovely that they'll make the espresso, put it in the ice, and they'll hand me the oat milk and go, here, do it yourself. And I go, thank you.
Oh, you like that?

Love it. Okay.
Because I need, here's where you want to land. With your drink.

It needs to be like a caramel color.

You don't want it too dark because that's not enough milk. You don't want it white because

that's too much milk. That's for babies.

You want like a caramel colored drink. So I do it just enough.
I look at the color and I go, perfect. When I'm at a restaurant and I'm ordering dessert, I usually like something a little chocolatey.

Okay.

And I like to have just espresso. I love just straight espresso and chocolate.
Are you not into that?

At the end of a nice Italian meal, love it. Yeah.
But to start my day, to start my day, I want the milk in there. Yeah.
Okay.

But you can also order a macchiato. That's an espresso shop with just a little dellop.
I have a question.

So

you're against, you don't want water in your drink, but what happens as the ice melts? Like, do you have to drink it fast so that the ice doesn't dilute? I have to say extra ice. You'd say extra ice.

How much ice are we talking? That was my next question. Fill up the cup, baby.

How big is it? Fill up the cup. How big is it? Some of it's going to melt.
So that's why you don't want extra water. Because

some of the ice will melt. There's so many.
But when there's so much ice in there, it keeps it nice and cold. And

it doesn't melt as fast. Right, I see.
But are we talking like a small coffee cup? Are we talking about it?

Yeah, like a

small, because you don't need all the milk. Yeah.
Yeah, small. I learned a lot.
I don't know how much a small cup. And I'm such a snob about the taste of it.
Even if they get it right,

if I walk out of a coffee, again, I'm not a waster of money. I appreciate

the value of a dollar. I work hard for it.
If I take a sip of it and it's disgusting, I will toss it in the trash can and drive to another coffee shop. Whoa.

But you're not going back in there going. No, I'm not going back in there.
No, no, but you're talking about it.

That's just the bean then sucks. Well, this morning, how do you feel about this? Even though, well, you like your ice, your ice

situation.

But when I was waiting for my ride to go to work this morning, I walked over to this coffee shop and guess what? What? My drink was room temperature. Oh.

Didn't ask for that. No, that infuriate, I wanted it hot.
That infuriates me. And then I don't realize it's room temperature until I get in the car to go to my job.

And then I'm like, oh my God, I'm drinking a room temperature.

That's irritating. But I'm not trying to jump on your coffee.

No, listen, there's things you, there's just things you like a certain way.

And that's literally the only thing I'm so particular about to like an annoying level. I'm glad that you're owning it.
You deserve that specificity.

For you and your fucking coffee. Henry Phillips.

Look him up. That's my thing, y'all.
I've been trying to think what, if I have a thing. Tig, do you have one? What I

appreciate very much

is if I'm out to eat,

I really appreciate if somebody asks before they take my plate. Oh, yeah.

I just.

I just really appreciate that. I've worked in restaurants, and it doesn't matter if what kind of restaurant, if it's nice, casual, it's not hard to just say, may I take this for you?

Are you finished with your meal?

Because a lot of times people will just grab the plate when they see like

three french fries on there. Guess what? I was going to eat them.

And it's just, it's always awkward to like grab the plate or

be like, oh, I was going to eat that. Or, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah.

I mean, I can let three french fries go.

I just, I just, I think also it probably comes from my first boss when I worked in a restaurant saying that you should ask, like, would can I refill your water or may I take your plate? Right.

And I guess, you know, people are probably just busy and running around. They just want to get the job done, which I understand.
But

yeah, consideration and then also people doing their job well to make things run smoothly.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Sometimes with a drink, too, like an alcohol, like an old-fashioned sure, they're small, like the content's small.
You love a tiny drink, I know, I do.

I like a tiny drink, but sometimes there's like a third of the drink left, and you'll grab it, and you're like, What?

That's what I'm talking about. It's like with drinks or meals, all it takes is, may I take this for you? Yeah, are you finished?

Yeah, that's all. It's from restauranting, restauranting.

Anything for you, me? Nothing irritates you.

Everything irritates me.

Everything irritates me, but I, yeah, I feel like we all should have really like, because this is sort of stand-up in a way is like, doesn't it get your goat when this happens?

But all of us are like, well, some people do that type of stand-up.

Some people just naturally rant about everything.

Yeah. Well, one thing that bugs me is.

This is so specific, but if you're, let's say I'm getting in an Uber, which I often am, with a friend, and I go to one side and I open the back seat door to get in, and the friend behind me, instead of going around to get into the other seat, just stands behind me.

I'm gonna do to scooch over. Yeah.
And I'm like, I often go, okay, I'll go around. And then I end up going around.

I'm like, I'm getting in the seat. Just go around and open the other seat or vice versa.
Yeah, I don't know. You're like, no scooching.
No scooching. No scooching necessary.

It's not necessary. Or if they're getting in first and I go around and then when I open the door on the other side, they've scooched.
Oh, they scooched. They scooched and you have to scooch.

No, let's be civilized. Also, mayonnaise on burgers and mayonnaise in general.
I don't like.

So if a bur if

you were given a burger and it had mayo on it or a

would you still eat it?

I'd be really stressed. And I'd be like, why didn't they say that on the menu? Mayonnaise to me has no flavor of its own.
It's just like a lubricant.

Extra calories for no reason.

Just oily and greasy.

And I'm sorry, what do you mean a lubricant?

It just lubes up the food.

Okay. What does it taste like?

White nuts. I don't know.

It's like

veganaise. Eggy, olive oil.

I really like veganaise more than regular mayonnaise. I just, yeah, don't put it anywhere near a burger.
And don't eat your burger with a knife and fork. Just don't do that.
Don't do that.

Do you know what I mean?

Yeah. You know, I have one more thing.
Speaking of cars, this actually irritates the hell out of me.

When I am in a car and I am backing out of a parking spot and somebody just inserts themselves

behind me and starts going, you're good, you're good, just keep coming back, you're good. Where I'm like, who are you? Get the hell out from behind my car.

You know what I mean? Like, I get they're trying to be nice, but just like assuming that somebody

again, I guess it's the assumption that somebody doesn't say, do you want me to, do you need help?

Yeah, it's just you look in your rearview mirror and there's a stranger going, all right, back it up, back it, you're good, you're good, two more feet, two more, I'm like, shut up, they think you're a pretty little lady that's in distress.

Yeah, unsolicited

advice, unsolicited feedback from male comics in green rooms when you're first starting out. You get on stage and they're going, yeah, that was pretty good.

Yeah, you should do a tag of this and you're like did you say this to any of the other comedians like yeah i don't like that and i don't like when comedians are on stage and it's not going well and so they start almost punishing the audience like and they're like oh yeah they almost go into this performance art of like well you just don't get it or like i'm like

people paid to come like like don't punish them you know what i mean what is some performance art though of you don't get it it's like people in forgetting that their job is to make it work so they're they're doing bits that aren't going well and they start blaming the audience there and or they start doubling down or they're milking the silence and in a perverse way they're enjoying like that they're bombing and i'm like just uh

the joke didn't go well you can make fun of yourself or address that it didn't go well but don't be like you're wrong

that's funny so often i've heard people say that's really funny and you're wrong and it's like well maybe you didn't say it right i don't know try to i i had this

show years ago,

some terrible one-nighter gig

in a beach town in Northern California. And I tanked

so

hard.

I was tanking so hard.

And I just decided to stop.

And I sat on the stool. And I analyzed my set in front of the audience.
And that they were confused at first, and then they started to come around.

That I love. Okay, because I was like, I am so confused.

I've been on tour, I'm having a terrible night, and I need to figure out what this is that thing, like in the beginning of the podcast, where I'm like, I have to go back and get clarification.

I did it in the middle of my set, where I analyzed my set, and the audience got so much on my side that they were laughing at me analyzing. and I did like a whole other set analyzing the bombing.

I love that.

Okay, because I was going to say, you might have,

I did that also once in Florida when I was bombing, and I walked off stage and I sat down with a couple at one of those like round top tables and was just like, What do you suppose is happening? Why?

That's hilarious. That's like

you've turned it around, you're adjusting in the moment, you're responding to what's happening. I can't think, I mean, I am thinking of one specific example of this that

got my goat, which was it's a charity night. You know, people are doing their sets.

There's people that have to go on after this guy. And he goes on and his stuff was sort of borderline and offensive and just not that.
And then he, he, so he sat down on the stage and he.

He started singing something, but he kept saying, oh, all the comics in the back are loving this. Like, you guys are just dumb.
You don't get it. Basically.

And none of the comics were laughing either. And it was like, he milked it for, he went way over his time.
And it was just like, oh my God, that's when it becomes like almost,

I think in his mind, he was doing this avant-garde, like,

yeah, fuck it. These,

they don't get it. I don't know.
Anyway. No.
Anyways.

That's interesting to hear because when you're saying that, I've thought, I was thinking like, well, I feel like I've done some things like that that could.

Be something where you'd be like, yeah, I'm not into that.

But you're doing it with with love almost like like, with like a scientist. Like, what is going wrong here?

And then you're pivoting and you're improvising, and it's funny, and it's not like I'm right, and you're wrong. Like, no, I always assume they are

fully right,

fully, fully right. Yeah, well, should we hear Ed's answer? Yeah, let's do it.
All right, I made it to my hotel here in Chicago, and I have an amazing view of

pickleball courts. All right.

That's so funny. I know nothing about pickleball except that people are passionate about it.

I don't know. It's kind of polarizing.
The courts are adorable. But hey, I got to answer this question.
So, my answer to the question, I know that

I sort of conjured the question in the context of like travel frustrations and whatnot.

That's what kind of got me thinking about it. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized my, the mundane hill that I will die die on is not travel related.
It is food related.

Now, the other crazy thing about my answer is that

I actually say the opposite in the book that I just wrote. So hear me out.

The mundane hill that I will die on is that pizza is better with pineapple. Pineapple belongs on pizza.
That's right. Yeah, you heard me.
That's right. Now, I made the opposite claim in a little aside

in the book.

I realized I just I was talking about terrible things and snafus and I made the easy joke that like, you know,

that pineapple on pizza is a national tragedy. I only said that because I know that's how most people feel.
And honestly, I was pandering. I was pandering to the reader.

But the truth is, I love pineapple on pizza. And you should too, because it is is perfection.

The tanginess of the cheese, the saltiness of the cheese, and the crunch of the crust is juxtaposed so perfectly with the sweetness and the tenderness of a little yellow ring of pineapple.

It's also aesthetically beautiful on anything. So it's just such a lovely thing to add to any dish.

But I have to say, it is, it is the, it creates, pineapple on pizza creates the perfect culinary manifestation of yin and yang, the salty and the sweet, the triangle of the slice and the circle of the pineapple.

That is a mundane hill I will die on.

You're right. I agree.
I love his poetry. I love pineapple on pizza and I love his passion for it.
Yeah. I have no problem with a pineapple on my pizza.

You're coming down, but you're neither here nor there. I'm just, I'm fine with it.
I like pizza. Stephanie, Max, and Finn

live for pizza. And I'm like, this is good.
And my father, he used to be an assistant manager at a pizza restaurant.

And so I had my fill of pizza. And don't, you know, I'm just like, yeah, it's good.
And throw whatever on it. I'm fine.
I'm with Ed. And that was great.
That was awesome. Yeah.
What a treat.

I love Ed Helms. I love Edmund Helms.

What do you guys have coming up? September 9th is the day today of my premiere of Wayward at Tiff at the Film Festival.

But the show doesn't come out till September 25th. But

everybody watch it. Everybody watch it.
I'm doing all that. But then also September 17th, I'm at Largo in LA with very special guests.
So come hang out and yeah, just get pumped for Wayward.

What about you you guys? Well, I'm going to be a dynasty typewriter in Los Angeles on September 21st. And then I'll be at the Beau Revage Resort and Casino.

If you are in Biloxi, Mississippi on September 27th or anywhere nearby or even nearby the state of Mississippi, I hope you come on out because people, I am from Mississippi, and so people are always like, why don't you do Mississippi?

I'm doing Mississippi and I have done Mississippi. Oh, also October 11th, I'll be at the Eccles Theater in Salt Lake City, Utah, for the Equality Utah Allies Gala.

And yeah, go to Tignotaro.com for all of my live tour dates. And don't forget to make a note November 14th on Apple TV.

Come see me in the good light, the documentary with Andrea Gibson and Meg Falley

will be premiering. I'm going to be in San Antonio and Houston, Texas soon.
Norfolk and Richmond, Virginia, DC,

Boston, Mobile, New Orleans, Atlanta, Chicago, Salt Lake City, Charlotte, North Carolina, a bunch of places. So you can go to my website, FortuneFemester.com for that.
Incredible.

Also, make sure that you subscribe to our podcast. Also, the YouTube channel.

And please, if there is an episode you love, pass it along, share it with somebody that you think would enjoy being a part of this. Very handsome community.
And we have merchandise at handsomepod.com.

Oh yeah. Oh yeah.
And until next time,

keep it

handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

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