Pretty Little Episode #58

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Pretty little episode.

Welcome to the Handsome Pod.

This is one of your pretty little episodes with two of your pretty little hosts, me, myself, May, Martin, joining us.

And it's me, yeah, Tignotaro, the other pretty little host.

Boy, do we look pretty today, don't we?

Yeah, we do, actually.

Yeah,

I just went to the gym,

but I mainly went for the sauna.

Now, do you work out with makeup on?

Because I know makeup is a big part of your life.

Do you wear makeup in workouts and do you wear makeup in the sauna?

Thank you so much for asking.

Absolutely.

The fans want to know.

Yeah, no, I don't wear makeup when I work out

or in the sauna.

I did put it on to record today.

Just a

simple foundation.

Nothing crazy.

Didn't do the boy brow, didn't do the lip taint.

The imaginary

clear mascara.

Clear mascara.

Invisible makeup.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I just, I cleaned my face with soap and water.

Well, face wash and water and got right on, right on the mic.

Did you put moisturizer on after or no?

Yeah.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

I wash with a face wash and then a moisturizer.

I dry my hair.

I put my glasses on.

The hair's looking good, too.

Thank you.

It's looking kind of tousled and

punk.

It's good.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Yeah.

But I know you hydrate from the inside out.

And that's partly why I think you don't have to do a lot.

There you go.

There I am.

That is.

I'm hydrating from the inside out.

I love that.

Listen, it's no secret, especially when you see me in person, the the aging process is going on.

And it is,

as they say, it's an honor to age.

When my mother was dying, people commented, even when she was in a coma, like,

God, she has such great skin.

That's oh, to have that be your legacy.

I want that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so I'm hoping I can skate by with a simple face wash and moisturizer and pull off what my mother did.

So both of of our mothers are very, I recently saw my parents in Toronto and

my mom came out to an event and someone commented, oh, you look like Mae's sister.

We will be dining off that for weeks and months.

Yeah, she really does.

It's crazy.

Yeah.

That's incredible.

Yeah.

She did tell me my suit looked like pajamas, but that's okay.

And be fair, did they?

You know, isn't that the style?

Or did it?

Isn't it these days like people are wearing these baggy, boxy suits?

And

I thought that would be me.

But I did look a little like a little boy in his dad's suit.

But yeah.

That's still a good look.

That's a charming look.

Did you ever sneak in and put your dad's suit on or any of his clothes?

No, I don't think I did.

I just stole his cigarettes.

Does he still smoke?

He doesn't, except sometimes I think maybe sometimes I'll go out.

for a cigarette and my mom will say, James, do you want to go have a cigarette with May?

And it's like being given the option means he goes, No, I'm good, but yeah, yeah, but I'm never going to smoke again.

I got to quit.

Wait, you're never going to smoke again?

Got to quit smoking.

Did you quit?

Yeah, I quit all through my 20s and then started in the pandemic.

And then I go periods where I don't smoke, but it's right.

But are you not smoking right now?

No, I am.

Yeah.

Oh, okay.

Yeah.

But I don't talk about it much on the pod because it's like

I really want to quit.

And the more I talk about it, the more I don't quit.

But

yeah.

Do you want to try my process?

I know I've shared it.

What's yours?

Just don't smoke?

No,

I smoked, I inhaled Swisher Sweets cigars.

Oh, fuck.

And that's what you were like, my body says no.

Well, I inhaled Swisher Sweets.

Did I not tell you this?

It rings a bell.

Like, yeah.

Yeah.

I, so I inhaled Swisher Sweets while drinking peach-flavored beer.

Oh, Christ.

And I made myself so sick to my stomach that lasted like I got I got drunk on peach flavored beer while inhaling Swisher Sweets.

And so I was hungover.

I was throwing up.

It was so disgusting.

Maybe we'll do it on the pod.

Like I'll we'll record and I'll get some Swisher Sweets and some peach beer.

Thomas, put it on the list.

Yeah, we'll watch me just ruin myself.

I would love that.

Not for you to be ruined, but

to watch that process.

I would.

I would.

It was so disgusting.

But

I quit at 25 saying I don't want to be 50, saying I wish I had quit at 25.

Yeah.

And that gross combo got me here.

My parents quit at around 40.

And so I got two years or year and a half.

But yeah.

Tig, I got stuck in an elevator.

Oh, May.

I know.

And I thought of you.

I got into this elevator in New York.

Okay.

I was staying on the 45th floor.

May Marie.

Yeah.

And it was right, like the hotel's right next to Central Park, and it's late at night.

And I get in the elevator right before the doors close, this Russian

oligarch, like this really rich Russian guy gets in with his wife.

They're obviously fighting.

It's tense.

And we go up to the 45th floor and we stop at 44, but and the doors are closed.

Like, there's like a ghung and it stops.

And so I'm like,

and I press the door open button, nothing happens.

Oh, a few minutes go by.

Then I press again and the doors open an inch and then stop.

And we're between floors and we're on in this old hotel.

And I go, oh, this is scary.

And the Russian guy, no hesitation, goes, actually, it's not.

And stops, starts pressing the buttons and somehow fixes it.

And we, we go to the next floor, but his.

How did he fix it i need to know this because he he just jam he he went nuts on the buttons he did everything you're not supposed to do he just pressed like door close and pressed 45 again then pressed lobby then but i love how he was like actually it's not something you write this down yeah so it's 45 door close did he also did he also push the um firefighter hat No, I've always wanted to push that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Does that just alert firefighters right away?

I guess.

I don't know what it does, Meg, but I wish you had called me even if I was asleep.

That is a phone call, even if you were stuck for just, you know, 30 seconds.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Take, I don't know what to do.

Were you scared or concerned?

Oh, yeah.

Like

really scared or were you a little like, whoa, what's happening?

I thought, well, first I thought, okay, this is going to be 10 minutes or something.

Then I thought,

and did that sound like a short amount?

10 minutes?

No, long, long.

Okay, good.

Okay.

But then it was when I remembered how high up we were and that, like, if we just plummeted, what would happen?

But there was something reassuring about this guy being like, no, this is not scary.

And it felt like he'd killed a man.

Like, he'd seen a lot and this was nothing to him.

But his wife was so mad at him.

It was just a tense moment.

Did she not come around and feel like, oh, you're my hero?

Like, did she not come through the anger?

She didn't speak a word through this whole process.

And I felt like she was embarrassed of him when he said it's not scary, because it clearly was.

And how old was he?

40.

Okay.

Yeah.

I pictured him like

white-haired.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Anyway, it wasn't, you know, in the end, not much of a story, except actually it's not scary.

Well, it could have been quite a story.

You know what?

It is a story enough because if I was in there, I would have been in a complete spiral.

Yeah.

yeah.

Once it's happened to you once, like in you being stuck in that bathroom, you're like, I know how this could go, and this could be my whole day.

And what is the level of panic you felt from 1 to 10?

I started at like a 6 or a 7.

Like, I instantly went there, and then luckily it quickly resolved, but I was getting ready to go up to a 10.

I don't know what that would have looked like.

That's what my next question was going to be: is what is May at a 10 in a 45-story

stuck elevator?

I think it would have been making some phone calls, calling the

Secretary of Defense or something.

I would have been like, let's go to the top with this and get this.

Do you really want to go to the Secretary of Defense in this administration?

No, no, I don't.

They probably say it was a trans elevator.

And to be fair, a third of it was.

Yeah, you're right.

You're right.

They'd be like, yeah, this checks out.

Yeah, that's actually, you're right.

It's one-third trans elevator.

Well, I'm glad you made it through safely.

Me too, because otherwise I wouldn't be here with you getting ready to listen to some questions.

Oh, well, that's a really great transit.

Speaking of trans, should we transition into questions?

Famously, trans people are amazing at transitions.

Yeah.

Yeah, so let's do it.

Let's do it.

Hello.

My name is Bea,

and I have two moms.

And one of them, the one that I actually call Mayor,

she really likes the handsome pod.

And so she told me I had to listen to it.

And so I've started listening to the handsome pod, and I'm making my way through.

And so my question for you is, what is something that your parents got you into?

Thanks.

Imagine if that was Max or Finn calling me.

How amazing that her mother is called Mayor.

That's so cool.

I love that.

I know.

And that Mayor listens to the pod.

That's so cool.

Hello to Mayor and all of the other Mayors.

Yes, all the

two mom families.

I have mine definitely.

And it's, it's Funny Girl with Barbara Streisand.

And

I guess I was eight or nine or 10.

And I was like, anytime my mom would suggest something, I would instinctively want to.

hate it or not watch it because it was like a constant like i was having to watch like dead man walking and these like you know easy rider these 1970s movies that she wanted to show me and so I was like, funny girl, I don't know.

And then when I finally watched it, I was like, oh my God, like this woman is,

I mean, it blew my mind.

I was so obsessed with funny girl.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So that was satisfying for her.

And then I would listen to like the vinyl of Barbara Streisen live in Central Park, I think it is.

She does a show.

I think she smoked a joint on stage.

It was like Barbs.

Yeah, Babs rebellious, period.

So Babs was that for me.

Stephanie and and I went and saw Babs in recent years and didn't feel terribly rebellious.

No, now very much.

It's so like it's, I mean, I don't know what it was back then, but it's definitely like a

scripted performance.

And like she really has, you know, a

prompter.

Yeah, she does.

Like it, it's,

yeah, but it was, it was so,

so great.

Stephanie posted a clip years ago after we went of at the end of

some song that Bab sang.

She ends it with, you bet your ass.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God.

Yeah.

It's so good.

We just looked at each other and we were like, oh, my God.

I love that she scripted that too.

Oh, my God.

And it's like, now that I'm saying it, I should end my

show.

Like,

after my closer, I should be like, you bet your ass.

And then just walk off stage.

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That's great.

My mother loved Barbara Streisand as well.

Really?

Oh my God.

The Guilty album.

And when you said Funny Girl, I immediately thought of how obsessed with Gilda Radner my mother was, and we were just raised on Gilda.

But I would say the thing that

when I say, because I naturally loved Gilda Radner, you know, like that wasn't like she got me into it,

into her.

But I would say what my mother got me into that I wasn't necessarily into deeply as a small child

was Willie Nelson.

Oh, nice.

Yes.

My mother

and my father's mother loved.

and lived by Willie Nelson.

Really?

I mean, Willie, Willie, Willie.

And yeah, Willie doesn't feel like he would naturally attract like a child audience.

Like, you'd have to be introduced to him.

Yeah, I mean, my brother and I would go on road trips,

you know, they were big in our mind when we were little, to go from like the

this one town where our family lived to another town that was like two or three hours away.

And we'd go on a road trip and we'd listen to On the Road again,

you know, and just sing along, and that was fun.

But, like, to really get into the songs and the albums, and I remember when I was in fourth grade, my mother got me a Willie Nelson, Willie Nelson's red-headed stranger album, and I was like, I don't want this, and she was like, All right, well, then I'll keep it.

But, um, but yeah, I would say Willie Nelson.

That's like grade four is around the age where, like, let's say there's like a school presentation where you have to do like a lip sync, and kids are not trying to be cool yet.

So, they're coming in with these weird things that their parents got them into.

Like, yeah, I think I did a lip sync to hair that the musical, like, one of the, and it was just so purely just that my parents had got me into it.

Or, like, I can imagine you talking about Willie Nelson at school.

And yes, yeah, for sure.

All right.

Well, I want to hear B's answer.

Yeah.

What did Mare teach Bea?

To answer my own question, aside from the handsome pod, and if I'm staying on the theme of queer media it would probably be allison bechdel thanks allison bechdel is that like the bechdel test yeah that and she is the um she did fun home and then also she wrote the um dikes to look out for

love that when was that i first came across it in like the early 90s um thomas can you tell me oh yeah thomas is sending us these notes too that are correct fun Home and Dykes to Watch Out For.

She's amazing.

Did you see Fun Home?

No.

What is a movie?

It is the most gorgeous, perfect play.

Really?

And musical that has ever existed.

What?

Yes.

And it is about Allison's life.

Okay.

I feel like I've referenced it on here.

Dykes to Watch Out For.

Is that just a list?

It's

well,

it's a comic strip.

Oh.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'll check that out.

Well, good job to Bees Mare.

Yes.

Excellent stuff to be introduced to, especially handsome.

Max and Finn are probably introducing you to stuff that you didn't know you were going to be into baseball and

magic cards and stuff.

I didn't know I was going to be into.

Kendrick Lamar.

Oh, yeah, Kendrick Lamar, yeah.

Or Eminem.

I mean, like, I, we, that's, and Blink 182.

God, they're good.

I never paid much attention to Blink 182.

Yeah.

And now,

every morning, no way.

Oh, between Kendrick, Eminem, and Blink 182.

That's what we pick up and drop Max and Finn off to.

I mean, so funny.

We pull up to those tunes pumping out of our window.

Have you heard the song Miss You by Blink 182?

Because you got Mark Hoppis, who sings kind of like a

normal man.

And then, whenever it's Tom, what's his name?

Tom DeLong's verse, he comes in, and on that song, it's such a beautiful song.

And then he comes in and goes, Where are you, the angel from my nightmares?

I cannot sleep.

I cannot dream tonight.

It's great.

That's really good, Max.

Yeah,

yeah, that's in our rotation as well.

Love it.

Should we hear another question?

Yes, we should.

That's why we're here.

Hey, handsoms.

This is Angela from Columbus, Ohio.

I need some advice.

I am recently single out of a seven-year relationship

and I am really needing to stay single for a while to work on myself and figure out more about who I am and what I want in the future.

So

what are some things that have helped you in the past stay motivated to get through a time where you just needed to spend more time with yourself thank you love you great question what has kept me motivated

what has kept us motivated to like reconnect with yourself it sounds like maybe she's aware in herself of a tendency to

get into another relationship or feel like um like defined by being in a relationship and wants to build a i mean look she's speaking my language i am really

I relate.

You got to go to the woods.

You got to get your life.

Your sympathizer.

Yeah, load up tubers.

Get your clear mascara and get out to the woods.

No, I think like

reading and talking to friends, find your single friends and go on little friend vacations.

And

it is just willpower, isn't it?

Yeah.

And I guess like if you really picture yourself older down the road,

not making those changes and not

making the shifts that you need to make

to attract,

you have to be a completely different person.

You have to make those deep changes and everything you have been doing

that isn't working

has to change

for the change that you want to see.

And it's the the changes that you're doing privately and quietly

that you're not

promoting or posting or blabbing about.

It's just like really deep, quiet changes, like where you're really challenging yourself.

You're not racing, challenging, competing anybody other than yourself of like, I got to make this shift.

Yeah.

And you have to track your shift and make sure you're still staying on course because it's not fun.

Yeah.

It's, it's uncomfortable.

And so often we like, when we do take care of ourselves, it's, it's either for someone else or like you got like, I, I was feeling

sad a few weeks ago and kind of rocked.

And then I was like, fuck, I got a, I got a week of press coming up.

So I've got to sleep.

I've got to eat.

I just don't have time to fall apart.

And so I really did good.

And I like I went to the gym and I was sleeping.

And then it's like, but I shouldn't need that week on the horizon to motivate that.

Like, I, I should be able to care for myself, like, care for myself the way I would for someone else and like

feel worth that care, you know?

I also think it's really,

it's such a bumper sticker, but it's true of like, take your own advice.

Yeah.

It's really good to take your own advice.

It helps me.

You mean like the way you would talk to a friend, talk to your skin.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Like, should I call that person?

Should I, it's like, no, no, absolutely not.

Or should I

move on from this business

venture that is proving to be difficult or doesn't bring me joy or doesn't really celebrate the arts or, you know, like where my insides are telling me this doesn't this

yeah this isn't the road that leads to happiness like true joy.

And then

you rip the band-aid off.

But then there's freedom there.

And when you're going in a whole new direction.

Yeah.

Because you've been down that path.

You've already gone.

You know what's down that road.

It's an old road you know so well.

Yeah.

And it has not ever, time and time again, led to anything.

Yeah.

And also don't beat yourself up if you have little relapses or you, you, you know, like you also have to, you've just got out of a seven-year relationship.

Like, you, you will have to grieve that, and it's okay to be a mess for a little while and just rely on your, like, you don't have to instantly be like, okay, action and self-care, and I'm going to, like, you know, that stuff will come.

It sounds like she knows exactly what she wants.

And I also want to just throw in,

it also can make you feel so good

if you help out other people.

Yes.

Whether it's delivering food to homeless people or

whether it's visiting animal shelters,

whatever it is, that is really,

really healing.

Yeah.

And gives you a much bigger picture on life.

Yeah.

Angela didn't send an answer, but good luck, Angela.

Yes.

We're thinking about you.

Yes, we are.

Where we were for this period of time.

And we do really love hearing.

I mean, it's such a joy to do the questions of our listeners.

I mean, it's a joy to do

our regular episodes, but I just, I'm always so curious what our listeners have to say.

Me too.

If you want to, please submit questions and advice requests to speakpipe.com/slash handsome pod.

Please.

Yeah.

And in the meantime,

pretty handsome.

Pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a

podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.

Checking all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance is smart.

Unfortunately, not checking all your ingredients when baking a cake is not smart.

Accidentally substituting salt for sugar is not going to be a crowd pleaser at this weekend's birthday party.

Yeah, checking first is smart.

So check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with Allstate.

Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.