Pretty Little Episode #57

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Pretty little episode.

Welcome to Handsome's Free Little Episode.

I'm Fortune Feemster.

Hi.

Hi.

Hi, Fortune.

It's your co-host, Tignotaro.

Hello, I love it, Tignotaro.

I thought you were going to say, I love you.

And I love you.

Do you feel like you love me?

Mm-hmm.

Not romantically, but like...

Oh, duh.

If I was like hit by a bus, would you be like...

Of course.

Jesus.

I don't know.

I'm just trying to, you know, kind of check things out.

See if you'd be like, oh, who could we replace her with?

That's my immediate thought.

who would you replace me with it could you cannot be replaced all I wanted to hear that's right how are you fortune I'm good yeah I'm chilling you look good you look chilling I've been home this week getting some good rest and doing a lot of treading are you yep my god fortune that's like pretty good right that's really good that's that's like rivaling your calves.

My calves are always hard to beat, but this I know but this is this is actually a completely whole other level I think you've hit in in fact Thomas went whoa

I was impressed yeah

wow

that's really good so what else are you doing to relax off the road and off work I've been I've been with Biggie this week so a lot of when when he's with me I like to be at home

and chill with him so I went to the grocery store and made and got food.

So I made myself dinner a couple nights in a row and just sat on the couch with him and watched TV and movies.

And there's honestly nothing better.

What's his favorite show?

Oh, he's a housewives fan.

Listen.

He sleeps the whole time.

Oh, okay.

All right.

You know what?

Max and Finn just got into last night

at our hotel.

They stumbled upon Family Guy and they

were

dying.

I could see that.

I mean,

it was the, it was like, it reminded me, because they got into friends when they were five, and it became the thing that we let them watch when we were on vacation, and they didn't understand the jokes.

But when the laugh track came in, they were just in pieces.

And

I think they're starting to get a lot of the friends jokes at this point.

Now,

I mean, Family Guy is a whole different level of, even though Friends isn't quite appropriate for their age, Family Guy is really not appropriate for their age.

Yeah.

And they are not,

they can tell when a joke has been said, but they repeat it dying laughing.

And Stephanie and I are looking at each other like, oh, God.

And so today when we were walking around Central Park, Max is like,

so after our

dinner tonight, will we have time to get home and watch Family Guy?

And I was like, oh boy.

So

it's on now.

They're going to be wanting to watch all the episodes.

Yeah.

And it's been on for years, right?

So I get, yeah, yeah.

There's a lot to catch up on.

Well, they've now graduated from watching friends on Vacation to now they are allowed to watch an episode every night before bed.

And so they're on, I think, season nine of Friends.

So once they finish Friends, they've been constantly discussing what their next series is going to be.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

I love that they decide as a team.

Yeah, well, yeah, they kind of.

Because they share a bedroom, right?

No, they have their own.

They used to, and they have their own rooms.

However,

they do have, you know, sleepovers every night so they don't do yeah it's really sweet that's cute i know anyway it's it's so cute to hear the discussion before like are you gonna sleep in my room or i you know it's that thing but anyway so we've been i think in the running is the office and oh that's good and i bet i bet family guy jumps real far ahead because yeah they are

delighted.

They watched two episodes last night and it was like,

stephanie was saying they used to watch this show called bluey which is a total kid show that yeah and she said you know when everything shifted was when they saw dumb and dumber she said there was no world we could go back to watching a show like bluey because

it just launched comedy minds got blown their brains just went so far beyond that And so I have a sneaking suspicion that we've now crossed another hurdle.

I think so.

Yeah.

But anyway, that's what we do.

Yeah.

Well, I'm glad you're getting some rest.

Yeah.

The summer actually was pretty nice in that I took

I took some time off doing the road hardcore.

Yeah.

So I really didn't have a lot of shows in July and August, and I didn't realize how much I needed to just like be

kind of normal.

Yeah, not be in like workhorse mode.

Mm-hmm.

It was good for me.

Yeah, it feels good to take a break so you get excited to go back.

Mm-hmm, you know?

Yeah, for sure.

I'm coming up on almost two years of

being mostly off the road.

Wow.

I take a gig here and there that makes sense with my schedule, but it's only come to like once every month or two that I've done and probably less, once every month or three.

Yeah, it's felt really good to take that time.

It was good just to chill with

the other five jobs I do.

It's never really chilling.

But chilling is where it's the crazy

road life.

Yeah.

Well, should we hear some questions?

Handsoms.

It's a whole reason we're sitting here.

It is.

Hi, Handsome.

My name's Joe, and I am sending you this message from very soggy London.

My question today is actually more of a desperate plea for some advice.

I have got to the grand old age of 35 and only just realized I might be a little bit queer.

Queer.

I started

realizing this actually when I watched Feel Good for the first time.

So thank you, May.

Anyway, I digress.

I have been dabbling in the dating pool now with ladies, and it's been going okay.

However, it got me thinking about how much it's a daunting experience and

the amount of unpacking and unlearning you have to do.

So, I wondered what advice you might give someone like me, maybe starting out late

in the whole lesbian world.

Oh, I love that.

The nod to May show.

That's cool.

Yeah.

You have to tell me that.

I know.

I'm sorry May missed this.

I uh well, first of all, I'd like to encourage you to um check out the movie that Stephanie and I directed called

Am I Okay,

starring Dakota Johnson and

Sonoya Mizuno, an incredible cast.

And it's and it's a late in life coming out story.

Um Dakota plays a thirty year old, something like that, coming out.

And we got a lot of great feedback that that was helpful to

watch and as people are experiencing their own coming out.

What do you say?

I mean, I feel like it's,

I don't know.

Fortune, what?

Well, first off, welcome, Joe, to

lovely lesbian world.

I find it to be delightful.

I love being a lesbian.

You're nailing it, by the way.

Really nailing it.

I have not dated

men very much other than a couple dates here and there when I was young, younger.

So it's hard to compare the two, other than what my, I've seen, I have a lot of straight girlfriends,

or friends who are girls, however you want to describe it.

So I've seen what it's like based on their stories and observing their relationships.

I mean, I think you can expect

a more,

depending on the woman, a lot more talking, a lot more emotions,

vulnerability, which drives some people crazy.

But for the most part,

a lot of women like that.

Good and bad, you're going to maybe beat a dead horse a bit more with a topic or an emotion or a fight you're gonna dig in and dig in and whereas like it's a little lighter i think with men

um based on your two dates based on my two dates and my friends telling me these things i just love it i mean i love just like the companionship of a woman because

it's softer and

and you're gay and i'm gay there's more emotions involved i don't know i just you're gay i'm gay i think that's all great and i welcome you as well joe and i i think what i would say is you said you've been kind of checking things out and things are going okay i would say

really

continue checking things out find out where to go whether it's a coffee shop or a bar or restaurant or

whatever sort of activity that's going on.

And then I think submerging yourself and maybe finding a friend that can come along with you to

help you make your way through this new world to help navigate.

And I think getting to know yourself in those situations will help build your confidence and

make you feel a little more like, oh, this feels right.

Or sometimes

I think

you also just need to allow it to unfold naturally and it might take a while to fully get in touch with feelings about yourself or about other people or about a certain community.

I wouldn't rush it.

I wouldn't be like, God, I feel confused or this isn't fully clicking right away or

who am I?

What am I?

Because Lord knows I'm still figuring out.

Not that I think I'm going to run off with a gentleman.

Firefighter on the month's deck.

Well, maybe.

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I don't know.

I just think trust yourself and trust your intuition and trust what brought you to this world and realization and just let it unfold naturally.

And it might take a while and you might be like, I am gay or I am bi or turns out I was just into May Martin.

But whatever it is,

leave things open for yourself.

Yeah, and I do agree, like having some gay friends help.

That helped me when I came out.

I met some other lesbian friends, so they helped guide me and give me a break.

Or even straight friends that are like, yeah, let's go check this out.

For sure.

But I mean, as far as like having questions.

Yeah, for sure.

But if you don't have gay friends, your straight friend or ally who's willing to check things out with you in that world

is a doorway to meet those gay friends.

And like any dating situation, you're going to date people that aren't the right fit,

straight or gay.

So it's just about, you know, casting a wide net and just trying different people out and seeing where there's a connection.

Yes, indeed.

And good luck, Joe.

Keep us posted, Joe.

Have fun being a lesbian.

It's gonna be the greatest time of your life.

Next question.

Hey, handsomes.

This is your pretty little lady friend, Sarah, giving you a call from Pensaltucky.

And I was curious to know what your wildest travel moment was where you were in a situation and looked around and just thought this would never happen at home.

Hmm.

Wait, a travel situation?

Yeah, like something wild happened.

I mean, I had a wild thing happen,

a travel situation.

I've had many,

but it doesn't really fit into the this wouldn't happen at home, but I mean, it definitely wouldn't have happened at home.

So, I guess it does fit in there.

Let's hear it.

I was on the road in my very early days of doing stand-up, and I was doing uh one-nighter gigs, which are pretty terrible, like performing in the Ramada Inn lounge

and in saloons, talking to the backs of cowboys under a disco ball,

collecting my $75 at the end of the night and a beer and a

piece of pizza, and then stay at some dingy motel.

And I was

driving along.

I was in Washington State.

I was low on gas.

The only money I had left to my name, this is not an exaggeration, was the change in my

ashtray of my car.

Yeah.

Just knew I was going to run out of gas.

I'm driving along.

I see these two guys hitchhiking.

They look completely feral and filthy.

Oh, no.

And I'm like, well, I'm going to run out of gas.

So

I should just go ahead and choose my murderers rather than let them choose me.

And I pull up and they come running up to my car.

They get in.

Did you say, hey, are you guys murderers?

No, I figured we'd leave that as a surprise.

And they get in the car.

They have English accents.

That's nice.

Yeah, I'm right away thinking, and they were like, oh my God, we can't believe you stopped.

We've been hitchhiking for so long.

We just walked out of the woods after three weeks.

Three weeks.

And nobody.

Yeah.

They were like, nobody has stopped.

And I was like, I never would have stopped.

You're like, do you have money for gas?

Yeah.

I said, first of all, don't get too excited excited that I'm picking you up.

I said, because I am about to run out of gas and I just needed somebody to help me push my car or something.

I was like, we're in this together.

And they were so cool.

One of them was,

I think, an accountant, and the other one was a web developer.

Oh, wow.

And they had money?

It didn't even matter if they had money because we were in the middle of nowhere.

Oh, jeez.

You know, logging trucks were just passing us.

And so we're, oh, they said they had some gas from their

oven,

their portable oven or something.

And they were like, but I don't think that's going to do you any good at this point.

Yeah.

They were awesome.

So I'm like, you know, I'm a traveling comedian.

I'm trying to get to the next town.

And so they were like, all game.

They're like, we're in.

And we started to pass this construction site.

Yeah.

And they said, pull over to these guys.

They're going to have a gas can.

Construction sites always have gas cans.

So we pull up and they had money on, they had cash on them.

They paid the construction guys to pour gas into my tank.

I deliver them to the campground that they wanted to go to in the next town

and said goodnight.

Oh, they gave me money to fill up my tank.

Oh.

Yes.

And then, and at this point in my career, I was just camping at night.

Yeah.

It was

a while ago.

Early days.

It was the early days.

Anyway, the guys contacted me through my website saying that when they got to the campground, they decided that they actually wanted to treat themselves to a hotel room.

So they went to a hotel room, showered, got in bed, turned on the TV, and guess who was on Comedy Central's premium blend that night?

Is that not the most insane story?

That's wild.

I know it.

I know it.

I love that kind of stuff.

It was amazing.

And we kept in touch for a little while, but I'll have to look them up and reach out again.

They were so

brothers.

Written in the stars.

Yeah.

I would say I had a lot of things

like this would never happen when I lived in Spain.

And that happened right after I graduated college.

And I went to this language school in Spain to learn Spanish.

And

I lived in Spain for about 10 months, and I stayed at the school for a good portion of that.

So there were a lot of Europeans

coming in and out of the school often.

So

I would be in class with some people for like three weeks, and then they would go back to their homes.

And we would exchange numbers.

And I couldn't believe how many Europeans were like, if you're ever in Frankfurt, or if you're ever in

Austria or if you're ever in Switzerland, come stay with me.

I barely knew these people.

I mean, some people I'd met like three times.

Right.

And I was broke and they and I took them up on it.

So I stayed in so many countries in so many strangers' homes.

that I just don't think that would have ever happened in the States.

See, you were toying with murder too.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

I even stayed at a hostel once where it was more like a chamber.

It was in Germany.

It was a chamber room, they called them.

And it was me and a strange man in a room together.

How strange?

I mean, like, a stranger?

I've never met him in my life.

So strange to me.

I'm like, you're in your most vulnerable position and sleeping

next to a man in a private room.

And then, like, or somebody would be like, oh, I know a guy that lives in Berlin.

Never met him.

They're like, Go stay with him, and you're, and that guy's like, Yeah, come stay with me.

They would, no American is like, Yeah, stranger, come stay with me.

But there is that weird app where you can like crash on people's couches, I guess.

But there's like a couch surfing app or something.

And I don't know if this is still happening in Europe because this was 20-something years ago.

Yeah, but I stayed in so many strangers' homes

and they were lovely.

Everyone Everyone was so nice.

And, like, even the people I'd never met before, they were like dropping me off places and taking me to dinner.

I'm like, the hospitality of all of these various European folks was so high.

It was like you're in the South again.

Yeah, but it was, it was so crazy.

In hindsight, I'm just like, that is nuts.

I know.

Picking me up from the train station and the airport do not know me.

So,

thank you to all those lovely Europeans because I was completely broke and it got me out of some jams for sure.

That's awesome.

Yeah.

What a great experience.

I know.

I'm so happy I did that because the older you get, you just don't really, you have too many responsibilities to just leave for a year.

Yeah, I'm not going to pick up two stinky bearded men off the side of

logging trucks going by.

Yeah.

Should we hear Sarah's answer?

For me, it was I studied abroad in Italy and lived.

Well, my dorms were attached to a convent.

So in the morning, I would go up to the smoking section, which was on the roof, and have an espresso and a cigarette.

And I'd look across to the other roof, and there would sometimes be sisters skating.

Literally, nuns on roller skates.

I'm not making this up.

It was the coolest, coolest thing.

Nuns really do have fun.

And it was just an out-of-this-world experience.

And I just thought, wow, this would never happen at home.

Also, quick shout out to May, Series 15 Taskmaster Champion.

Whoop, whoop.

That's right.

Thank you, guys.

Wow, this was a real May episode.

I'm sorry everyone was stuck with me and me.

Well, that was fun.

It was.

Yeah.

Also,

if you want more of this, make sure to subscribe.

Also, handsomepod.com for merchandise.

Share an episode with friends.

Help us build the handsome community.

And submit a question at speakpipe.com slash handsomepod.

That's all right.

Till next time, keep it.

Keep it pretty handsome.

Pretty handsome.

Handsome is hosted by me, Fortune Feemster, Tig Notaro, and Mae Martin.

The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Woulette.

Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and follow us on social media at handsome pod.

What a podcast!

What a podcast!

That was a head gum podcast.

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Yeah, check in first is smart.

So, check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds.

You're in good hands with Allstate.

Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Allstate North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.