Pretty Little Episode #64

Speaker 1 This is a Head Gum podcast.

Speaker 1 You know what's smart? Checking All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking what day of the week it is before heading to work.

Speaker 1 Wow, the parking lot seems really empty. Turns out it's Saturday and you should be sleeping in right now.
Yeah, checking first is smart.

Speaker 1 So check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Speaker 1 Allstate, North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

Speaker 1 Pretty little episode.

Speaker 1 Welcome to the Handsome Pod. This is a pretty little episode, and I'm Mae Martin, joined by the Ray of Sunshine herself.

Speaker 1 Me, Fortune Beamster.

Speaker 1 Oh, it's you and me. That's right.
Good to see you. Good to see you too.
I always think about this. You know, Jiminy Glick, the Martin Short character?

Speaker 1 There's a bit where he interviews Julia Louis Dreyfus, and he goes.

Speaker 1 And here she is, Miss Yum Yum herself.

Speaker 1 Miss Yum Yum herself. Miss Yum Yum.
That's,

Speaker 1 yeah, that's a funny, crazy character. I do like Jiminy Glick.
I like Martin Short. How are you doing, man? I like your watch.
Oh, thanks. Yeah.
Hamilton. Very handsome.
I appreciate it. I'm good.

Speaker 1 I just flew back into town. I had a show in Atlanta,

Speaker 1 which was super fun.

Speaker 1 Yeah, so I'm just getting my bearings. Yeah.
I'm off tomorrow to New York and trying to figure out what to pack. And for your

Speaker 1 not my synthesizer, I'm going to go. I'm going to pack a light.

Speaker 1 Yeah, you got to do the press for your show, right? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I did my pre-interviews with Kelly Clarkson's show. Talked a lot about you.

Speaker 1 You feel good about the topics they brought up? I think so. Yeah, I think so.
Yeah. It goes by so quick.
Have you ever used beta blockers for having not?

Speaker 1 You know, those, they're like, they stop your body from experiencing the symptoms of nervousness or anxiety. And I've tried them once and I felt real lethargic.

Speaker 1 So I don't use them, but I wish I could because they're supposed to make you just superhuman. You could go on the Kelly Clarkson show, no problem.
So are you gonna?

Speaker 1 Is your plan to take a beta blogger? I don't think I want to risk it just in case. I'm like, well,

Speaker 1 yeah, that would be dicey. Yeah.
I think it'll be great. Just be yourself.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Who is that again?

Speaker 1 Yoke.

Speaker 1 Well, the new evolved you after having come back from

Speaker 1 your

Speaker 1 experience. The new evolved me

Speaker 1 bears a striking resemblance to the unevolved me. Does all the same things

Speaker 1 and is still anxious. But yeah.
Well, that's all right. You can still be anxious and still be the charming person you are.
Thanks, bud. Well, ditto.
I feel like.

Speaker 1 There's only so much you can like calm your nervous system and have a bath and do self-care when the world itself is so scary. I know.

Speaker 1 I do enjoy a bath, though. Oh, do you? I love a bath.
Well, I know we've talked about your butthole getting out of the bathroom. Sorry, getting out of the bath.

Speaker 1 But yeah, do you, is it you have one every night or what? No, not every night. Um, but like once a week, maybe.
Yeah, God, it's good. My new house has a bathtub.
I actually like. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Um, my last house, the bathtub was not very comfortable. Yeah.
So I would hot tub it more. Yes.

Speaker 1 I haven't even gotten in this hot tub. You got a hot tub at the new place too? I do.
It's a small, little small one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 But it's per I don't need anything big. It's just me.
So

Speaker 1 I'm hot tubbing over here. Hot tubbing, bathing.
You're going to be just

Speaker 1 so relaxed. Like jelly, just, yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. So this one, this tub is

Speaker 1 still fairly shallow, but it's more comfortable. Yeah.
So I can get in there and I, I, it's where I'll like learn my lines and stuff. It's a nice image.

Speaker 1 Like, would you, have you ever, have you ever used like a bath pillow for your head? That's like, then you're going to fall asleep. And so I don't want that.
It's too comfy. Yeah.

Speaker 1 I used to date someone who would, she'd get in the bath and be like, come get me if I'm not out in like an hour. And she'd always fall asleep.
One hour is too late. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I mean, you're floating face down.
Oh, no, yeah. This one's too small for me to do that.
But

Speaker 1 anyway,

Speaker 1 we don't need to go there. I'm excited to hear some questions from

Speaker 1 these listeners. I keep wanting to send in a fake question doing a voice and see if anyone notices that it's me.
Well, now I've blown it. I know.
I was like, well, now I might be listening for that.

Speaker 1 Yeah. All right.
Well, let's hear questions that I don't think are from you. I want to do one that's like, hi, this is specifically for fortune.

Speaker 1 And then now, if you do that voice, I won't know it's you. Okay, I'll do a different voice.
But I don't think I would have realized that was you if you had done it without prefacing that. Really?

Speaker 1 Okay. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, let's uh

Speaker 1 let's hear what people are saying. Okay.

Speaker 1 Cool. Okay.

Speaker 2 Hey, handsome. This is Allie coming from Chicago.
And my question is:

Speaker 2 if you could start like a harmless cult if there ever were such a thing

Speaker 1 what would that be a har you know some cults might have started out harmless

Speaker 1 but then those cult leaders get drunk with power yeah and it always goes south they always start with like us proposing a solution to a very real problem and it all seems really appealing and then yeah someone's like but i could marry all of you because wasn't that that one like wild wild country or whatever it was they wanted to to try to help drug addicts and totally send an audience together.

Speaker 1 Honest people, and then they were like, Uh-oh, very quickly, they're like, We're gonna put snakes in people's mails, cult leaders taking lots of money from people.

Speaker 1 This one's sleeping with this person, yeah. So it always is like somebody gets drunk with power, starts sleeping with everybody, and steals the money.
Yeah, yeah, that's pretty much the trajectory.

Speaker 1 Would you, so if you had a cult, would you, what would your rules be or like the the goal well a just in i don't want to be a cult leader let me just preface that let's make that clear some people are like do actually have that desire i don't want to be in charge of people and their life at all yeah um that does not appeal to me in the slightest yeah you got your own life to deal with i got my own life listen i'm happy to give advice i'm happy to chat with people i want the best for people but i ain't i ain't the one trying to guide you into the into the light to where you need to go.

Speaker 1 I'll give, you know, a couple,

Speaker 1 like I said,

Speaker 1 things of advice, but man, that's just too much responsibility. Yeah, it would end up just being another thing on your to-do list.

Speaker 1 Another thing, I guess, if I mean, a cult of like

Speaker 1 happy stuff, yeah, just hanging out,

Speaker 1 yeah, like hanging out, getting massages, taking baths, not together. I don't need it to be sexual.

Speaker 1 Eating pad Thai. Oh, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Oh, maybe like it's connected to like an elephant sanctuary. Remember, you wanted to hang with elephants in Thailand? That's right.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 I remember. I listened.

Speaker 1 What would yours be? I feel like you would, I think we've talked about it a long time ago that you would be a good cult leader. Really?

Speaker 1 I don't remember anything we've said. I know, this was early days.
What occurred to me just then was this is nefarious, but I think for good,

Speaker 1 I would start a cult that specifically appealed to billionaires and far-right world leaders like Trump and those people.

Speaker 1 And I'd lure them in with like, this is an exclusive elite cult where it's like the Illuminati. And then once they're in there, I'd soften their little hearts and

Speaker 1 awaken their inner children and change their minds and their hearts. Oh, okay.
So it'd be like taking all the all the scary people fucking up the world. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Getting them, luring them in by being like, you get a gold ring and a nickname. And then I would, uh, I'd be like, and now I'm going to spoon you and whisper in your ear that

Speaker 1 you got to do better. And you think that would do the trick?

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 I'm up for you. You might get murdered.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Yeah. I don't actually want to spoon Donald Trump, let's be clear.
I just want to trick everyone into one place and then, like,

Speaker 1 brainwash to be better. Yeah, like

Speaker 1 brainwash them. Make them listen to Bette Middler.
From a distance. From a distance.

Speaker 1 Then what? What happened? The world is blue and green.

Speaker 1 And the mountains

Speaker 1 something.

Speaker 1 From a distance.

Speaker 1 God is watching us.

Speaker 1 God is watching us.

Speaker 1 God is watching

Speaker 1 My grade five birthday party invited over about half the class and they all sat underneath the ping pong table in my parents' grimy basement and I put on Bette Middler and I sung in my best voice the entire like multiple songs and they had to listen.

Speaker 1 So maybe I should be a cult leader because I was a bossy kid. You got people to do random stuff for sure.
They were like, this is the worst birthday party I've ever been to. Well, all right.

Speaker 1 Well, listen, in this world of handsome questions, anything, it can be anything you want. So your cult can be the thing that you said.
Yeah. Okay.
Mine, and it will just assume it works. Yes.

Speaker 1 And then mine will just be everyone's happy getting massages and eating pad thai. Having baths.
We're not trying to accomplish anything. Yeah, that's kind of nice.
That's refreshing. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Just relaxation. Yeah.
Should we hear what Ali's answer is? Yeah.

Speaker 2 I like to say I've already started it. I would start a tap dance cult.
I'm always recruiting people to my tap class, which is in Chicago.

Speaker 2 So when you're in Chicago and you really want to take some tap lessons, come join me.

Speaker 2 But I've been recruiting people who maybe I've met at work or other places who used to tap dance and haven't in a long time. So they'll come back to tap class.

Speaker 2 And then, I don't know I think the the whole goal of the cult is that tap dance brings joy and just just come to come put on your tap shoes take a class

Speaker 2 learn about tap dance

Speaker 1 get in the tap community and it's pretty pretty harmless there all right thanks I like that I mean Allie says it brings joy, but I do remember when we all tried to tap dance,

Speaker 1 I found it wildly frustrating because I wanted to be good at it and there's like a big gap between my

Speaker 1 want and my ability. It's definitely harder.
I know it looks hard, but it also is hard. It's hard.
It's hard. You're using all different parts of your foot.

Speaker 1 Yeah, we were sweating up a storm when we did it at our live show. We really were.
Yeah.

Speaker 1 Also, I can just see the Netflix documentary about like it started like a harmless tap dance cult and then there's footage of like writhing naked people, but they got their tap shoes on still and they're all tapping.

Speaker 1 dead people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 You know what's smart? Checking all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking if your shirt is inside out before you leave home.

Speaker 1 But honestly, you're still rocking your look, even with all the tags sticking out. Yeah, checking first is smart.
So check all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds.

Speaker 1 You're in good hands with Allstate. all Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.
Allstate North American Insurance Company and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

Speaker 1 I love you. All right, let's hear another one.

Speaker 3 Hello, Tig, May, and Fortune, or whatever combination of the two of you is here today.

Speaker 3 My name is Sarah, and I'm calling in from Washington, D.C.

Speaker 3 And I've been particularly moved recently by you all talking about your families and especially TIG,

Speaker 3 you're just passion about your kids and all that you say about them. And so I thought maybe you could play a game that my dad used to do with my sister and I,

Speaker 3 kind of at a bedtime tuck-in situation. He worked a lot and so...

Speaker 3 he would come in and we would pick a number between like seven and his current age and then he would tell us a story from that age so maybe you could give numbers to each other and tell a story from that age i'm looking forward to hearing what you guys have to say

Speaker 3 and yeah just love this podcast listen every week and it's very soothing

Speaker 1 especially where i live huh i'm not sure this game of you no but i like a game and i like that i'll get i'll throw an age age at you. Okay.

Speaker 1 38. 38.
And I'm supposed to tell you a story of something that happened when I was 38. Yeah, because I'm 38, aren't I? Or am I 39? I don't know.
I think I'm 38. Yeah, I'm 38.

Speaker 1 38. Gosh.
Okay, that would have been pre-COVID. I unfortunately live my life lately by what specials or what tour I put out.
That makes sense. What tour I went on, what special I put out.

Speaker 1 So that would have been

Speaker 1 Priest, Sweet, and Salty,

Speaker 1 which came out

Speaker 1 in COVID. So I was still doing clubs.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 But you know, it's not like your childhood where you're like, I specifically remember when I was 12, we did this thing.

Speaker 1 Like, when you're an adult, everything becomes a blur unless you have milestones. Like, I got married or I got engaged.
I got this.

Speaker 1 Jackson and I were together a couple of years then.

Speaker 1 so i honestly do you remember your 30th birthday

Speaker 1 my 30th 30th 38th yeah i do not

Speaker 1 okay

Speaker 1 because we were never big into like parties so we never did much for our birthdays i did a lot more for my birthday when i was single yeah i remember my 30th birthday and my 35th birthday okay are we switching gears we're switching gears okay let's say 35th 35th 35th Yeah.

Speaker 1 Okay.

Speaker 1 That, so when I turned 35, I had just met Jax

Speaker 1 like three days before, four days before. Okay.
We obviously liked each other and were kind of like seeing

Speaker 1 how

Speaker 1 we like we hung out in Chicago and then

Speaker 1 spent time getting to know each other over tech. She was in Italy for like three weeks.

Speaker 1 So I was like, oh, I like this person, but I'm still like living my life. And I had a big 35th birthday party that I threw her myself at the Gay Country Western Bar in LA called Oil Can Harry's.
Yes.

Speaker 1 And it was super fun.

Speaker 1 It was my last party as a single woman. Not that I did anything on my birthday that was

Speaker 1 indicated that I was single. But I had my friends

Speaker 1 burlesque troop do a fun dance. Oh, fun,

Speaker 1 and it was hot as balls because it was summertime, and this bar did not have air conditioning.

Speaker 1 Um, and I did not take that into account, so everyone had a blast, but was like just every picture, everyone's face is red and just pouring sweat. That's so fun, though.
Yeah, but it was such a blast.

Speaker 1 I ordered a bunch of pizza and cupcakes.

Speaker 1 Did you dance? Yeah, oh, yeah. We had a really great DJ

Speaker 1 that

Speaker 1 plays like all the

Speaker 1 like old school stuff, like 90s and stuff. So like everybody was dancing like crazy.
And

Speaker 1 so yeah, that birthday felt kind of like my last, like we're the last time I felt young. Oh my God, Fortune.
Okay, this year we're having a party.

Speaker 1 I just

Speaker 1 in July I had a birthday and I did absolutely nothing. No,

Speaker 1 it's nothing better. It can't happen again like that.
Okay, next year I'll have to be in a better. I was not in a great space, I guess.
We'll do a big party next year. Yeah, because

Speaker 1 I was leaving my life. I had left my life as a married person, going into my life as a single person again.

Speaker 1 And there's a shift there where you haven't really seen a lot of your friends for a long time because they just got so used to you being in a couple and

Speaker 1 me touring and being unavailable. Like I still have those friends and those friends still love me, but you're just not in that rotation with them like you were when you were single.

Speaker 1 So, I just was in a very transitional year. Yeah.
And those milestones are tough after breakups, too. It's, yeah.

Speaker 1 So, yeah, there you go. 35 for me.
Let's see for you.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 what about your 30th?

Speaker 1 Well, I had a crazy party for my 30th in London. I was living in London and I I

Speaker 1 was too drunk and

Speaker 1 trying to make everyone play spin the bottle. And I did give a hand job in the bathroom

Speaker 1 to my friend.

Speaker 1 Your friend? Well, I mean, we'd been hooking up. Oh, okay.
I thought your friend was just like, happy birthday. Like, let me try to do a British accent.

Speaker 1 My happy birthday. No, that's not good.
That's not Australian.

Speaker 1 But it was.

Speaker 1 Why don't you give it a a wank wow that's your birth that's your birthday present those were the magic words that's all you had to say but i remember it was i was just like really gung-ho but well we went to make out in the bathroom and i just remember being being like really and there's a whole lineup for the bathroom and he was kind of like it's not not here well so it's your birthday why aren't you giving hand jobs you should be getting something it's the gift

Speaker 1 It's a gift for me too. Really? Okay.
No, I don't know. I don't know what I was doing, but it was was a really fun party for sure.
Oh, that's great. Yeah.

Speaker 1 And then I found out that he slept with my friend that night. So, like, he had a great night.
Were you upset about that or it was fine? I think it was fine. Yeah.
Okay. Look at you.
Just free love.

Speaker 1 Free love. Everybody gets some.
Those are the days.

Speaker 1 Sarah, thank you so much for the question. Yeah.
I like that game, even though it kind of brought into focus for us that the last decade has been a blur of non-events.

Speaker 1 I know, I'm going to start making some new memories. Or just keep a little journal or something.

Speaker 1 I want to get more fastidious about that. True.
Maybe, maybe

Speaker 1 fun things have happened, and I've just gotten older and I forgot about them. A billion percent fun things have happened.

Speaker 1 I had a lot of fun on

Speaker 1 after my show in Atlanta.

Speaker 1 Oh, yeah. I had some good friends that

Speaker 1 happened to be,

Speaker 1 well, some that live there and happened to be in town and they came back stage and I had stuff to make old fashions with

Speaker 1 and we just and it was Zach's birthday so we like drank old fashions and ate cake and and for like a couple hours and it just ended up being really lovely they didn't kick you out of the dressing room because that's my favorite when they let you stay and hang because I used to

Speaker 1 you don't want to go to a bar and go you lose people in the travel from point a to point b i know we which we tried to go to a gay bar for like 30 minutes and then we were like what are we doing we're tired and um and we did lose people in that transition but um it all worked out it was well yeah the show was or actually it was about an hour and a half by stage i never like to go too late and be rude um yeah but but then other times they're like oh people stay here till like two in the morning i'm like i would never do that this was like till 11 30.

Speaker 1 Yeah. And yeah, it just was like everyone was laughing and

Speaker 1 there was a couple groups of people that didn't know each other and they were all by the time I came back from my meet and greet, you know, chatting and drinking.

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 See, write that in your journal. Yeah, that's right.

Speaker 1 All right. Well, thank you so much for your questions.
Keep sending them, please.

Speaker 1 You can go to speakpipe.com slash handsome pod. And we want to know your, we want to know your games that you've invented or weird games.
Or I do, anyway.

Speaker 1 Ask us questions, ask us advice, whatever you want. Yes, please.
Well, until next time,

Speaker 1 keep shaping. Pretty handsome.

Speaker 1 Handsome is hosted by me, Mae Martin, Tig Notaro, and Fortune Feemster. The show is produced, recorded, and edited by Thomas Willette.

Speaker 1 Email us at handsomepod at gmail.com and please follow us on social media at handsome pod.

Speaker 1 What a

Speaker 1 podcast! What a podcast! What a podcast!

Speaker 1 That was a hit gum podcast.

Speaker 1 You know it's smart. Checking All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance.
You know it's not smart? Not checking for a beautiful sunset when it's getting dark.

Speaker 1 I never know when Mother Nature is going to strike with one of her picture-perfect sunsets. What better way to end a day? Yeah, checking first is smart.

Speaker 1 So check All State First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate.
Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability.

Speaker 1 All-state North American Insurance Company and Affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.