Season 5, Ep 27 - Borghilde Now (w/ Rebecca Hanson)

People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

As such, your expectations of it should be sufficiently lowered.

But let me go ahead and say, lower them a little further.

Like, open that basement door, let your expectations tumble down the stairs, past the washer and dryer, past the box of mildewy holiday ornaments, and into the weird ditch where the sump pump does

whatever sump pumps do.

Perfect.

In this state of mind, you're ready to sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern,

a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnoniekamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the Tavern the Wanderer Lost in the Magical Land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger pick a card any card

um hmm okay just whatever

uh do you want me to point at it pull it out

I guess uh like touch it and pull it out sorry pull out a card any card pull out a card any card okay

I got this one now do I eat it do I like destroy it and then

got it in one you eat it okay

it's usually my first impulse yeah and I'll take this one.

Yep, just handing out snacks.

Anyone else want a card?

Anyone want a card?

You want a card?

Anybody want a card?

They're delicious, everybody.

I highly recommend them.

I'm also joined by Magic.

Oh, oh, no, go ahead.

No, and now for some magic, Usidor.

I'm also joined by now some magic, Usidor.

I am Usidor, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Glites, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Traucus.

The Elves know me as Fjang Elk.

The dwarves know me as Zodin and Hook Stanges, and I am known throughout

John.

It worked.

Oh shit.

Uh, Yusor, loud again.

Throughout the northeastern Scasmanius may starve, and there may be a

wow, Arnie.

We've had this power the whole time.

We didn't know we could wizard soothe.

We can cross fade this motherfucker.

I know.

Uh, uh, you sidor up.

I wonder if we can like fade Usidor's voice all the way to the left side.

Name intro in reverse.

In stangies.

Arnie, it's so hard to tell if he's actually doing it in reverse or if he's doing his classic sort of Usidor like

It's tough because part of it is part of it backwards is definitely egg stangies, right?

Like yeah, it's the same forwards as backwards.

Igg stanges.

Yeah, it's a palindrome.

Obviously.

Hmm.

So how are you doing, guys, both of you?

Well, first, pick a card, any card.

Oh, fuck.

When you say pick, do you mean pull it out and eat it?

No.

Just pick a card.

Okay.

The seven of clubs.

Got it one.

Oh, and he ate the card, so we have to trust him.

Yeah.

Arnie, a lot of magic in Funa's honor system.

You know, some people would be like, say any card.

They'll eat the card, and then they'll go, yep, that was it.

Trust me.

Well, that's how it used to be until the wizards began their unholy ascent to fiefdoms and

cruel

martial law.

How I've come to hate them.

Oh, but let's get to our guest.

Oh, yeah.

It's an old friend of ours returning.

It's Borghild the fortune teller.

Wow, Borghild!

It's been like seven years since we've seen Borghild.

Well, what is time, you know?

I don't even know what it is, but I'm so happy to see all of you today.

Thanks for asking me to join your little party.

Oh, any time, and I'm glad you asked.

Time is a plane that exists above and outside of our own plane of existence, and it can be mutated and altered, as is well known by my good friend Cam the Wizard.

Well, there you have it.

I never had such an answer like that before.

Happy to help.

Dang.

Hey, everybody, pick a card.

Any card.

Here you go.

Oh, I'm full.

I'm full.

Thank you all.

Oh, no, no, no.

This one you don't eat.

These are not needed cards.

Okay.

No, they're not edible.

No, no, no.

I'm going to pick this one right here.

And I'll take this one at the end here.

Do I can I look at it?

Sure.

It's an anniversary card.

Happy anniversary.

Oh, thank you.

Mine's a birthday card.

Whoa.

Yeah, yeah.

Happy birthday.

Yeah, yeah.

Arnie, you didn't pick a card.

Mine just says, sorry for your loss.

Oh, so well-timed.

You had a big baseball game that you lost, and I'm real sorry about it.

Oh, fuck.

I missed my big baseball game.

Yeah, that's why you lost.

Oh, no.

Look, I know things, okay?

And, you know, I just wanted to, like, put that in front.

Like, sorry, we're going to acknowledge the loss, then we're going to move on, because that's what we do.

Arnie, you've been so excited about starting a baseball team.

You earn food.

I know.

We haven't been doing it on the podcast, but every week for about the last five years, I've been teaching the people of Foon how to play baseball, putting together a ragtag team of baseball players, and so many fun stories and characters and stuff that I'm like, let's save it until after we have a game and we win to talk about it on the podcast.

And then I fucking forgot about the game and apparently we lost.

Yeah, because you didn't show up.

And like, you know, that's not on you, but then it kind of is.

So next time, just be there.

Yeah, Yeah, I guess.

Bootless Joe is going to be pissed.

Well, he's a cheater.

Yeah.

Famously, yes.

Artie, shouldn't it be called a run home?

Just some usings.

Okay.

This is why you were not invited to the baseball team, by the way, Chuck.

Oh, and also because I swung at the ball and somebody said strike, and so I hit him.

Yes.

I mean, the guy was literally asking for it.

I know.

Every opportunity for you to misunderstand any of the words involved in baseball, you did.

And so much chaos ensued.

Oh, yeah.

Stole a base, took it back to the sides.

There, everyone was pissed.

Ball one, I ripped off one of my testicles.

Yeah, that was the worst one to watch.

Ball two wasn't great either.

Well, back to back to sort of my factory resets.

Broom Hild.

Borgheld.

I'm so sorry, Borghild.

That's okay.

It's a mouthful.

You're standing next to that broom.

Yeah.

Borgheld, it's so wonderful to see you.

It's so great to have the cards you gave us and your general positive attitude.

What the hell have you been up to?

Oh, let me tell you what I've been up to, where I've been, who I've seen, who I've missed out on.

You know, the whole thing.

Wow.

That covers all of it.

Yeah, you know, I'm a pretty thorough girl.

I'm still fortune-telling.

I believe the last time we saw you, you were actually heading out on a quest, weren't you?

Yeah, I was headed to the Westlands with my half-brother because we found out we had the same father.

Thank you.

Yeah, that guy.

You know how when you discover you have a half-sibling?

We've all been there, right?

Yes.

Well, yeah, we went out to find our father and we did.

And I gotta tell you,

he was a real bummer.

You know, ironically, he was super tall.

So tall I couldn't see his face and he wouldn't lean over.

Rude.

And so I was like, you know what?

I gotta ramble on.

And I did.

And so now, you know, know I'm uh I'm big on the scene I I follow a band around and I uh oh wow I tell fortunes and I sell grilled cheese and I'm real happy with it so

last time we saw you you sold fortunes but in the seven years between you have added selling grilled cheese Yeah, like, you know, because I was still learning the whole fortune thing when I first met you all.

And I, you know, I was pretty good at it, but what I really found, my passion, my calling, you know, a yearning that I didn't know I had until I was on the lot, and it's the truth is revealed in the cheese.

Sort of a fortune and food cart business.

The margins there can be real tight.

That's right.

And so I've just been following my bliss, if you will, and just take it, following the muse, see where it takes me.

And it's led me to all kinds of lands and plains and dimensions and things of that nature.

Oh, how exciting.

Yeah, yeah.

So, you know, overall, I'm pretty happy because, because, you know, I'm just doing my thing, letting the cheese just melt any worries away that people have and making friends, you know?

Did I hear you correctly that there's something magical about this cheese or does the cheese tell fortunes?

Well, a lot can be revealed in cheese if you open your eyes to it.

And let me tell you, you don't have to see things with your eyes open.

You can still see things even if your eyes are closed.

And that's one thing that I've learned.

Sure, eyes wideshut.

But yeah, cheese can reveal quite a bit about a person and people.

Also, Arnie, have you had cheese?

Do they have cheese on earth?

Oh, yeah.

Do they have cheese?

Do they have cheese on earth?

We have like thousands of kinds of cheese on earth.

Shut up.

So like six.

Thousands of kinds?

Thousands of kinds of cheese?

Yeah.

That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard.

How many cheeses are there in Foon?

Six.

Yellow, white,

off-yellow, off-white.

Yellow, white, white, yellow.

Yeah, yeah, that's all of them.

Ironically, Usador likes cheese whiz.

I I mean,

I've been known to dabble in a little bit of cheese whiz.

Yellow shower, yeah.

I don't mind playing around.

Well, that said that we only have, you know, six cheeses, and yet you Arnie have like thousands.

Like, what was your favorite cheese before Fune?

Um, I really like Gouda, which is a cheese on my world.

Yeah, we all, we all like good cheese.

Good cheese, Arnie.

That's everyone likes Gouda cheese.

That's, you don't want bad cheese.

I do especially like the way

Borgborg says it.

Girouda cheese?

Yeah.

Everyone likes gyara to cheese.

Sure.

So I don't like, you didn't really answer the question of, you know, your favorite kind of cheese pre-theon.

Well, I also like Swiss.

Excuse me?

Sorry.

Arnie, that's what you yell when somebody has a swing and a miss in baseball.

Oh, so close.

Maybe you can be back on the team.

You know, it's kind of basic, but I like cheddar.

So let's back up.

What is Swiss cheese?

Describe Swiss cheese for us.

So, it's cheese with holes.

So, you get less cheese?

Because of moths?

Oh, no, it's just made that way.

I think it's just to differentiate it, basically.

There's no scientific process that makes it that way, I'm pretty sure.

It's just like, why don't we have holes in this cheese?

So, you always know it's Swiss.

What is science cheese, though?

Well, that's where I don't understand what kind of cheese you have coming from your world.

Because the cheese I use, there's no science, it's just natural.

It's a natural cheese.

Because that's that's where the truth lies in the nature of it all.

Yeah, you want cheese from like in Fun, a laughing cow usually produces good cheese, like a like a laughing, like it's happy, it's been told a joke.

Yeah, yeah.

Now, you also said that you were following a band.

Oh, yeah, yeah, that's where, that's where my true passion, you know, I gotta say, after meeting my father, and he was a bummer, as I said before, I just, you know,

I was just real sad, didn't know kind of what to do with my life, and then I heard heard the music of this band that made me just stop asking questions and just uh happen to find answers that i didn't even know i needed wow and it was real beautiful and real magical and so i've decided to just follow them around until you know they until they're not playing no more and this band does not have a name uh yes it does they're called the thankful fred that's fred with a pH

because the drummer's name is Fred.

Well, one of the drummers.

They got two drummers, two percussionists is what they call it, percussionists.

They play different cities and planes and dimensions, and you never hear the same song or the same show twice, so you never know what you're going to get.

And it's just real beautiful.

And we all just kind of follow them around.

It's like a home that creates itself in a way that makes you feel like you're inside a piece of bubble gum.

Wow.

I only once was lucky enough to catch a Thankful Fred show.

Barney, it's so exciting because,

like

Borkhild said, every show is different.

The one I went to was very sort of audience involved, where Thankful Fred was like, hey, everybody, what are you thankful for?

And we went around and we kind of said what we were thankful for.

Oh, man.

They don't do that very often.

I can't believe you caught that on their only show that you went to.

I was chasing that for probably about three years or so.

So

you're pretty blessed.

Oh, let me.

Here, let me.

Yes, sir, would you mind taking out this memory?

Of course not.

Which one?

The one of me.

Thankful Fred.

Yeah, yeah.

Just take that out and just pop that over to.

Eren

Carstaffon.

Erato Karthis.

Is this an evil spell?

It sort of sounds like

something,

Karata.

Here you go.

Here's the memory.

You can have it now.

Kill Arnie.

Kill Arnie.

Oh, shoot.

I did it wrong.

Boykild, can you have the memory?

Can you?

Well, I do.

You know, sometimes there has been talk of evil Fred, and it doesn't pop up too much.

But yeah, every now and again, there are some dark messages

that can occur.

but what I'm hearing over it, though, is all the thankfulness that people have for the life of their ears.

And that is taking over this dark, dark killing message.

Let's take a quick break, and I'm going to try to deprogram Chunch so he doesn't kill Arnie.

Kill Arnie?

He doesn't seem like super motivated about it, so that's good.

I mean, what's new?

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Now Chunt, what do you want to do?

Kill Arnie.

But do you really want to kill Ani?

Kill question mark, Arnie, question mark.

I think that's about as good as we're gonna get.

Okay, that's fine.

So Borghild, following this band around, the thankful fred yeah how how much is like drugs involved in this whole thing well you know what are drugs first of all and sometimes you know you gotta take them if you got a headache and then sometimes you don't so i think

for me they're not too much but for others that's their jam sure and uh

There's no there's no judgment in the community at large.

But for some people, you know, they're gonna use them.

And then other people, they're not gonna use them.

And for some, they might try once or twice and be like, oh no, I tried to eat my own couch.

I don't want to do this again.

So then they don't.

And then others, you know, they take to it right away.

They're like, I loved eating my couch.

I got to do that again.

Yeah, and that's beautiful for you.

And I think that's great.

But if you need a place to sit, I got a couch that you can share with me.

That's a lovely sentiment.

It'd be very expensive to keep eating your couch, though, I believe.

That's why I think a lot of of people stopped using some of the drugs, like the couch-eating drugs.

There is a specific couch-eating drug that causes that.

Yeah, yeah, there is.

There is a drug that you're more prone to eat a couch than not.

Couchello.

Do people take it?

Because they're like, I've always kind of wanted to eat a couch, but I can't get myself there.

Maybe if I take this drug, I will.

Right.

Well, you know, there's that saying, like, how do you eat an elephant one bite at a time?

And then some people are like, well, I'll start with a couch, then see if i could eat that elephant and after they eat a couch they're like oh hell i can take on the elephant or they're like oh hell i just ate a couch i'm too full to eat an elephant

and arnie don't tell me you've never walked into a room glanced over at the wall and thought that couch looks pretty good chunch have you ever eaten a couch fucked what fucked oh okay yes oh well good for you man that's not easy that's just a rumor we can't substantiate that okay jd but still, that ain't easy to do.

You know, some people say they do, but they really don't.

So if you actually did, good on you.

Thank you.

Good arnie.

Oh, he's trying to kill me.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

Speaking of death, and maybe this is a brutal segue, but I'm so sorry to hear.

Maybe you don't know your half-brother, Nathaniel Quinyarvin, did pass.

Oh, he did.

He is not in this particular,

well, his physical nature did decease.

Yeah.

But he's still around and he pops up ironically and not ironically, he pops up in the scene every now and again, too.

He's still pretty sweet on me.

I don't know if you remember that, but he like liked, liked, liked me.

And I was like, hey, you know, but no,

he'll still, like, his essence is still kind of everywhere.

And, you know, when you're around a lot of trees, sometimes he'll like pop up and, you know, kind of annoy me a little bit.

bit so like

i'm not too sad that his physical stature isn't around anymore because he still is in another realm that i still see quite a bit so it sounds like you're being haunted at least a little bit

I guess you could call it that.

I just, you know, I think he visits me and it's kind of nice because, you know, for a long time I didn't know he was my brother.

I didn't have a brother.

I thought I was an only child.

So I was like, what is it like to be annoyed by someone who's kind of related to you?

And I didn't know until I was a grown adult woman.

And so it's kind of nice to get a taste of that now.

Be like, hell, you're annoying even after you're dead.

You know what?

I love it.

I'm here for it.

Do you want a grilled cheese?

He can't eat it.

And then he's like, hey, that's not fair.

I can't eat this.

And I'm like, hey, man, then quit bugging me.

Yeah.

You sort of is it

considered a haunting if it's just like a casual pop-in every once in a while?

Well, I mean, there's a very fine line between being irritating and haunting somebody.

Well, Trunt may even be more well-suited to answer this question.

His father was a hunger ghost, famously.

Oh, yeah.

What's that?

Yeah.

And I'm sure at times it felt like you were being haunted.

At other times, you're just like, get out of here.

I'm fine.

Leave me alone.

Just go eat a bag of potato chips or think about eating a bag of potato chips since you can't or whatever.

Oh, yeah.

And also to feed a ghost, you have to kill the food.

You have to kill the food to feed the ghost, which is annoying.

So I guess you could get that grilled cheese over to Nathaniel Quenyarvan if you just so desired.

I've never tried to kill a grilled cheese.

Like, if you put ketchup on it, does that mean it's dead?

Like, how do you kill a grilled cheese, y'all?

It's easier than you think.

Really?

Yeah, kill Arnie, kill a grilled cheese.

Not the same, about the same.

It's gotta be easier to kill a grilled cheese than to kill me.

Arnie, can I talk to you real quick over here?

Sure.

I think this spell that I accidentally put on Chunt, it gave him what I've heard you refer to in the past as Frankenstein voice.

A little bit, but it's slowly also turning into Borghild voice.

Friends!

Friends back on Mike!

Oh, sorry, sorry.

Well, I think if you want to kill a grilled cheese, you have to find its weakness.

So, what is the weakness of grilled cheese?

Boy.

I guess you could burn it so badly that it no longer is edible, and then it would die, and the ghost of it would be edible by your good friend DQ.

That's very true.

I never thought of it that way.

Or if you don't put the cheese betwixt something, and it just melts all over whatever cooking device you have.

Oh, and then you've got yellow everywhere, or white, yellow everywhere, or yellow, white everywhere.

Yeah, right.

You could leave it out for too long, like on a counter without refrigerating it for like a day or something.

Yeah,

moldy and gross and nasty.

That would just grow more life on it though.

So would it be dead or just more alive?

Oh, yeah.

Arnie catching for you.

Sure, of course.

Are you going to try to kill me?

Kill Arnie.

No.

Okay.

Send it with a question mark.

I'll risk it.

What's going on, buddy?

I think I'm starting to get what you called Frankenstein voice, and then the next day you came back and said Frankenstein monsters voice.

Yeah, I had to correct.

I had to correct it.

I didn't have have the time to really fully explain why that is the case, but.

Yeah.

Well, isn't, I mean, from the story you told, isn't the man who made the monster the real monster?

In a way, sure.

So Frankenstein's monster still holds.

Or Frankenstein is, you know, really the monster.

Sure.

Gallari.

Did you want to bring me over to tell me that, even though you're having a hard time talking?

I was gonna kill you.

Oh, I knew it.

Okay, buddy, I can't stay mad at you.

Well, I suppose another way to kill kill a grilled cheese would be to set it on fire with a flame spell or freeze it with an ice spell.

You could throw it off a castle parapet.

You could have a horse kick it right in the head, right in its grilled cheese head.

Where's the head on a grilled cheese?

You know how you usually cut them in half?

It's the tip that isn't cut in half.

So it has two heads.

Dunk it in soup.

Dunk it in soup.

You could dunk it in soup.

I've heard a grilled cheese scream when it has entered the hot liquid of a bisque or a soup.

Didn't realize that it was dying.

I just thought it was real happy to be there, but hell,

I've been inadvertently killing grilled cheese and I didn't even know it.

Now here's an interesting philosophical question.

If you make a grilled cheese, perfect, absolutely perfect, and then you feed it to someone and it's destroyed, have you killed it?

And is there a ghost grilled cheese, a second ghost grilled cheese to eat?

It's fulfilling its intended purpose.

You haven't haven't killed it per se.

Right.

It is providing energy for the person who has consumed it.

So is it just a transfer of energy or is it truly a death?

It all comes back to the classic question: does grilled cheese have a soul?

Oh, hands down, yeah.

Grilled cheese has a soul.

Oh, for sure it does.

For sure, it does.

Everything has a soul.

And it helps feed your soul.

I mean, there's grilled cheese for the vegetarian soul.

There's grilled cheese for the parent soul.

There's grilled cheese for the podcaster soul.

Oh, have you have you had that sort?

No.

How was it?

Good learning.

Borg Hildo,

I'm so happy to have you here.

I'm so glad that you found this new calling in life.

That you're following

my bliss?

Yeah.

By following

Thankful Fred with a pH.

That's Thankful Fred.

Yeah, it's a band, you know, they've been around for decades and generations.

I'm real happy to be part of that family.

You know, if y'all want to ever join me on lot or, you know, if we even get a miracle and get inside, I'd be happy, more than happy to show you the way.

So you don't go inside, you're just outside telling fortunes and making grilled cheese.

It really depends, you know, like it depends on where the night takes me.

Sometimes I'm able to get in, sometimes I sit back, sometimes they come to me, you know?

I'm sorry to be so pedantic about this, but when you say sometimes you're able to get in,

are you buying a ticket to get in?

Well, you know,

yeah,

but you can purchase it not with just money, you know?

It's like a karmic thing or a comic thing or a cosmic thing or a Killarnie thing or like anything like that.

It just really depends, you know.

Oh, fuck yeah, Kill Arnie.

Oh, uh, speaking of, uh, Killarnie's Fortune?

Uh, sorry, tell Arnie's Fortune.

Oh, oh, yeah, Arnie's Fortune.

Well, first of all, Arnie, what kind of cheese would you choose in your grilled cheese sandwich?

Uh, Gouda.

Come on, man.

Of course, I know you want a Gouda cheese.

I know that, but what kind of cheese would you like?

We told you the types of cheeses.

Okay, yellow.

All right.

Ooh.

Ooh, yellow cheese.

All right.

All right.

So I'm putting it

between two pieces of sourdough bread because that's how I make it.

All right.

I'm going to put a little bit of...

Now this is controversial.

I'm going to put a little bit of mayo on the inside.

I'm gonna butter it on the outside.

All right,

I'm putting it on my griddle.

And as that cheese is melting, I am seeing what is coming to you, Arnie.

And are you ready for this?

Arnie, are you ready for your fortune?

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Am I ready for this?

Yeah.

But are you ready?

Are you ready for this, Arnie?

I need a sincere answer.

Yeah.

How yes?

All right, good, good.

Because this is what your yellow melted cheese is telling me.

It's saying, it's in you.

And you know it.

And you gotta claim it.

Now, there's no antecedent to it, so I don't know what the it is, but you know it already.

And it's in you, and you gotta claim it.

Okay.

You gotta claim it!

Wow.

What's it?

What is it?

Like a candy spirit, maybe?

Sure.

You guys have what it takes to really take this podcast to the next level.

Wait, there's different levels to podcasting.

Yeah, this is news to us.

Yeah, we find we just still haven't gotten to level two.

Whoa, we gotta beat the boss, beat big boss to go to level two.

Well, yeah, yeah, we gotta be beat a big boss to get to level two.

We've been in level one for nine years.

You're ten, that's a nice round number, so maybe you'll hit level two

in a year or so.

Again, what is time, though?

Like, maybe you've already been podcasting for three decades in another realm and you didn't realize it because you might only be considering linear time, which,

that's just one way.

Oh, yeah, 10 years, that's nothing when you're 350 years old.

It doesn't mean, means nothing to me.

Oh, yeah.

Also, we could use Usidor found Warp Whistle.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Do you want to use my Warp Whistle?

Mm-hmm, fun.

To get to a different level?

Yeah, I mean,

it will take us all around Voon.

I assume it could take us to a different level of podcasting, too.

Yeah, why wouldn't you use all tools accessible to you, Arnie?

Had I I known there were different levels before now, I would have offered my warp whistle to you, and we could have magically transported them.

Well,

let's take a quick break, and we'll be right back with more kill Arnie.

Right after this, Arnie, Duck!

Okay, now, Chunt, let's try this one more time.

You want to kiss

Arnie.

Arnie.

There you go.

To death.

To death.

I mean, I think it's progress.

That's beautiful.

You sure?

Yes?

Shall we tell Arnie that there's all kinds of cheeses?

No, don't ever tell you.

Well, Borghild,

I've been deproving Chunt over here during the commercial breaks, but I don't want to ignore you.

We are so happy to have you here.

What is your favorite way to eat a grilled cheese?

Oh, well, there are many ways that I do like to eat a grilled cheese, but my favorite way probably is again, not to be a broken record, but you gotta have it on some sourdough.

Sure.

And

I'll take a little

cheddar or orange cheese maybe, as you all might understand it.

Sure.

And

I melt it and then I

I listen to what's going on around me and I take bite after bite after bite after bite, you know, until it's gone and I chew it and I swallow it.

Yeah, that's how eating works.

I don't want to assume everyone eats the same way.

You know,

I can't make that assumption.

I can't make it.

Yeah, Arnie, please interrupting.

Please continue.

Please continue.

Chew swallow.

No, I just chew and swallow and then I just let everything just kind of melt away as

I'm eating it and digesting it.

And then I like to just dance around and sway to whatever I'm listening to.

Oh,

sounds like a pretty fun cheese incident.

It is.

It is.

I don't always use string cheese in my cheese though, but every now and again I do enjoy a good string cheese incident sandwich.

Yeah, I do.

And I let it just split open and melt and

take it in.

So you did a Fortune cheese sandwich for me.

Maybe could you do one for you, Sidor?

I can,

but I do know that he will partake of the dark cheese.

It's true.

I'm not afraid.

Give me your darkest cheese.

All right.

So, this is on rye bread.

Also, can I have a

little bit of pesto on there just like it's spread on?

Of course, baby.

You say what you want.

I'm here to make the cheese that you want, okay?

Thank you.

All right, all right.

Pesto.

A nice dark cheese.

I am throwing it on the darkest bread that I can think of, which would be a pumpernickel, probably.

Isn't that pretty dark bread?

Right.

Pretty dark, yeah.

All right, all right.

And I don't know how that goes with pesto, but this is how we're doing it.

I'm excited to learn.

Grilling it up.

That dark cheese is melting.

Oh, oh, that dark cheese is really melting nice right into the bread.

And as Isidore takes a bite,

it starts to consume him.

The darkness is consuming him.

And he is laughing about it.

He's enjoying this darkness.

I can't even believe.

I've never seen a dark, happy fortune like this.

And uh, oh, oh, pesto changeo.

He did.

He pesto changed doad right in front of my face, Dode.

And this is what I see for him.

I see friendship

in an unlikely place.

An unlikely place.

Could it correspond with my fortune and maybe that friendship is inside me?

So I have to crawl inside of you?

Uh, might as well try.

You just want him to kill me.

Yeah, there's a way to kill Arnie.

I'm sorry.

If the Arnie fits, wear it.

I don't know.

Find friendship in an unlikely.

I know.

I know what it means.

I have to befriend my enemies.

Yea, those wizards who have churned on me, I must turn them back into mine friends.

Hmm.

Are you starting to lay the groundwork to betray us by joining up with the wizards?

No, no, no, no, quite the opposite.

I'm laying the groundwork to build a coalition of mighty wizards who wish to save all of food from those who have fallen into darkness.

I mean, you can come along.

Chunt, are you willing to set aside your trying to kill me for a minute and get your fortune told?

Uh, yeah, I think I can make that happen.

Okay,

stab, stab, stab.

Whoa, that was close.

All right, I'm gonna take that knife from your hands and use it to spread spread some butter on this bread.

Now,

Chunt, what kind of cheese is your favorite cheese for a grilled cheese sandwich?

Okay, well, cheese is out of the bag.

Arnie knows we have lots of cheeses.

I'm gonna say, huh,

maybe like a,

let's see here, maybe like a mozzarella.

Mmm, now that says a lot about you.

All right, so you got a nice mozzarella.

I'm putting this between some garlic bread for you because mozzarella and garlic bread is like ooh la la or something like that or like mounja mounja mounja, right?

This sounds crazy.

That's melting away.

Oh chunt.

Whoa chunt.

Now you are going to come upon some very unexpected happy circumstances.

Arnie, don't comment on that.

It was that whole happy

Come on, man.

I was...

You're not wrong.

Happy.

You're coming upon some unexpected, happy circumstances.

That's what the matza's telling me.

Chutch, you know what it could mean.

Yeah.

I mean, it's unexpected if you kill Ani, but it seems like it would make you happy.

Yeah, things might work out for the best.

Um, Arnie, what do you think?

I think you're gonna come upon something.

I don't know, I'm still stuck on that part.

Holy shit!

I totally forgot.

I got a macho on garlic bread sandwich.

Happy days out here again.

Yeah, why did I eat my sandwich?

That was a happy higher shit.

Hold on.

And mine was about there being something inside of me.

Was it about the sandwich that I was going to eat?

Are all of these fortunes about the sandwiches themselves?

I mean, hey, why not?

You bought it.

You already bought it.

You know, you might as well make it about yourself, right?

Isn't that what life's about?

So friendship in an unexpected place would be my friendship with the sandwich?

In your stomach.

Unexpected.

Whoa!

It all makes perfect sense.

I suppose so.

Though I still might try to win over some wizards to our side, just to, you know, make things less shitty in the world.

Bargheld, where do we owe you?

Oh, no.

You don't owe me nothing, man.

The camaraderie that we've had today is enough payment for me.

Wow.

So I just want you're fed and you're nourished, and hopefully that'll take you to the next place that you're supposed to go.

Now, where is that?

I don't know, but I'm happy that you're here right now.

So you don't need these 125 gold coins, the exact cost of a Thankful Fred ticket?

Uh, well, you know, if you want to, uh, if you want to, you know, leave a gratuity in my jar here,

I wouldn't say no to it, but it's no press.

You know, I'll get there one way or another.

All right, I'm gonna leave you these coins because I think you've done done a wonderful job of both

rebuilding our friendships betwixt all four of us and also filling our stomachs with nourishing and delicious food and meaningless bullshit fortunes.

I've told you guys, prophecies are all crap.

Thank you.

Have you noticed that we always give all our money away almost every episode?

What?

Should we interrogate why we do that?

Like, every episode,

whether it's a sandwich or nothing at all, one of you is like, can I just throw all of my money at you so we have no money for the next episode?

Arnie, I'll give you 500 coin to shut the fuck up.

Is that not what you did before your foon days, Arnie?

You wouldn't like, you never gave anybody anything?

Ever?

Sure, no, I would pay for goods and services, but I wouldn't, at the end of every conversation, be like, whether someone wanted it or not, and in this case, you were saying you didn't want it, just say, here, take all my money.

I mean, I didn't say I didn't want it, but I didn't want you to give it to me if you thought you had to only if you wanted to that's what I'm saying with my stuff and I wanted to so it all worked out okay that's the beauty of running a tavern here like the the wanderlost it allows us to continue to bring in more money every day and then give it out to someone else it's my first of all it's my tavern come on and this now I'm understanding why we're not making any money because you keep giving it away we are making money it just it just continues to move through the world just like uh borghild moves through the world and finds the next place she's supposed to be and isn't life abundant anyway so things will just kind of happen whether they're supposed to or not wow that's a beautiful sentiment uh borgild uh

here's another 125 gold in case you want to bring a plus one whoa

thanks i mean would any of y'all want to come They're playing tonight.

I've never seen them before.

I think that would be fun.

I mean...

Have I seen them before?

I feel like, no, I haven't.

Definitely haven't.

Even if you have, you haven't seen this show yet.

Don't be scared.

How many hours long will this show be?

Well, you know, it could be anywhere from probably 12 hours to, I don't know, a week or two, depending on how long the venue will let them play.

I once had an eight-day-long song played at one of the shows I was at.

Incredible.

Lyrics the whole time?

Oh, no, not lyrics the whole time.

Lyrics, you know, not every song has has a ton of lyrics in a Thankful Fred song.

A lot of it is, you know, a lot of beautiful sounds.

But

there was probably a three-day vocal jam that did happen

probably in what you would consider two years ago.

Vocal jam, great.

Now I'm hungry again.

Arnie, did you know that there's a

Thankful Fred had an ice cream named after them?

No.

Yeah, Cherry.

It was just called Cherry.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And how is that named after them?

Well, thankful Fred was named first.

Right.

And then the ice cream was named after him.

They've had another flavor, too, just called Fred food.

That one I bet's good.

That one I bet is really good.

Even if you're lactose intolerant, they got a dairy-free option, too.

Chunt, do you think you're going to the concert?

It doesn't really sound like my cup of tea.

I really like it when songs are filled with lyrics and about three minutes long and then fade out for no reason.

Uh, you know what?

Yeah, I want to go see this concert.

I want to see them live.

Thank you so much, Borco.

Well, thank you.

You know, you and your friend here made it happen.

I was just a conduit, if you will.

Yeah.

Which friend?

Usador.

Oh, yeah.

Usidor.

Yeah, yeah.

Because Arnie, because Arnie's like, he's like, kill Arnie, right?

Arnie.

No, Arnie just needed to, he didn't want to put any money in my jar, which is okay.

He was like, oh, why are we doing this?

That's not how I want to operate.

But you don't want him to put the money in there.

there if he doesn't want to i don't want i don't want money that's wanted by someone else i don't mean to be rude but not only do i not want to give you money i am actively trying to stop usidor and chunt from giving you all of their money oh wait i found some more money but it doesn't it doesn't bother me if they want to give me all their money like that's the thing if they want to i'll take it but if they don't then hey then i won't take the money that's wanted by them.

I just want the money they don't want.

Do you see what I'm saying, Arnie?

I think so.

I want what they want to give.

I don't want what they don't want to give.

Damn, that is good advice.

Here's 50 gold.

Oh, thanks.

Arnie, you greedy old miser.

What were you going to do with all that money?

Run this business.

Arnie, all you think about is work.

Borkhild, here's another 10 gold.

Go buy the biggest goose in the window.

Oh, thank you.

You know, I love goose.

Those goose we keep in the window are cost more than 10 gold.

We can't.

Arnie, come on, man.

Work, work, work, work, work.

You know, Arnie, not to sound judgmental, but it sounds like you might need to experience a thankful Fred show and just like

tune out for a little bit.

Just like Zen and bliss out for a little bit, because you seem a little...

I don't know how else to say it.

Uptag?

Oh.

Yeah, get out of the giant rat in a dungeon race.

Damn, shots fired, kill Arnie.

I guess I probably do need something after I miss that big big baseball game I've been working on for years and years.

Oh, how you love baseball.

I can't believe you missed it.

I know.

I love baseball, a game I know all the rules for.

Did you intentionally miss it because you wanted to do something else?

Yeah.

You know what?

Don't tell anybody on the team, but they're all terrible.

I gave them so many speeches about how they could do it, and then I was like, oh, fuck.

They can't do it.

Maybe I just won't show up.

Dang, now that's got to be kind of heartbreaking to be around a bunch of losers that, not losers, but people who don't know what you're trying to tell them to do and they can't do it.

Yeah.

I mean, to be fair, I don't think Annie was the best coach.

I got kicked off the team because I was crying one day.

Ernie said, no crying in baseball.

Yeah, to my knowledge, there ain't no crying in baseball, just like you said.

What were you crying about?

Oh, I was just thinking about something sad and then I stubbed my toe.

See, he had two reasons.

Two reasons.

You were thinking something sad and then you stubbed your toe.

No, I was thinking about something sad and I got distracted and I stubbed my toe and it made me cry.

Oh, I thought you were crying beforehand because you were thinking about something sad and then you stubbed your toe and then you got angry because that's what happens to me.

When I stub my toe, I get angry.

Sure, I kind of was like, oh, that's very sad.

Should do something about that.

Lucidor, I've told you so many times, you don't need to tell the first part of that story.

You don't have to tell the part about thinking of something sad.

Why?

You can just say you stubbed your toe.

Why would someone believe I stubbed my toe if I wasn't thinking about something sad or distracted?

I'm just curious what even makes someone like you sad.

Oh, I was thinking about the whales.

Those two whales who got married and then got divorced and decided to live on different parts of the world.

It's made me sad.

I thought those kids were gonna make it.

Wow.

And they each started their own podcast.

It's called Podscast.

That's right.

Isn't Wales still a pod if they're divorced?

That was one of the questions they tackled in that show that they never came up with a satisfying answer to.

Yeah.

Arnie Arnie kicked me off the baseball team because he said I was too much of a wild thing.

And I fucked Roger Dorn's wife.

Borghild, would you mind helping us answer an email from one of the listeners?

Oh, I would be honored.

Thank you.

So, listeners, you can email us at magictavern at Buppies.supplies.

It's a real email address.

Or even better, you can join our Patreon at patreon.com/slash magic tavern and send us a message there.

Here's one.

That reminds me, if Borghilda is going to help us out, then she needs to be compensated.

Here's 500 gold.

Oh, well, thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Yeah, email answering, or email answering sort of payment.

This email reads, Hello, Bangin' Buds.

There was something from a very early episode that always stuck out to me.

Spintax said that he killed all the multicolor wizards.

This was back when wizards were still immortal.

So did he really kill them?

And even if he did, some must have escaped Spintax.

These multicolor wizards would be likely to join your fight against the one-color wizards.

I hope you can bring them all out of hiding.

Don't die, Craig.

Wow.

I forgot all about the multicolor wizards.

Yes, it's a very sad tale.

You see, when there were many more wizards and so many wizards of solid colors and multicolors and different patterns and such, well

our power was spread a little thinner and it was a little bit easier to kill us.

Well, that's why we needed the stone of Ephesius to ensure that our immortality was

ensconced in the very fabric of Foon.

And

we built it into the very fabric of the universe itself.

And then when I destroyed that magical rock,

it made the wizards susceptible to harm again.

But yes, long ago in the past,

there was a very dangerous time for wizards to be alive.

I think my favorite multicolored wizard was the blue and yellow mixed green seal.

Arnie was a pinniped, a little seal, and he was just so magical.

Oh, Loxip?

Yeah, Lockzip.

Oh.

I did like Loxip.

It's odd to see a seal be a wizard.

It is.

It's uncommon,

but it is.

It's always exciting.

I guess I assumed most wizards were human-shaped.

Most of them, yes,

are mostly human-shaped.

I don't have to stay human-shaped.

I choose to because it's easier to move around and interact with foolish mortals such as yourself.

Damn it, I'm mortal too.

I can't see that.

Borkheld, have you ever met any of the multicolored wizards before they went away?

Yeah, I have to say I've seen quite a few of them.

And I still, on a particular

night, if I've had a lot of grilled cheese, I still see them.

Now, whether they're like really there or not, I can't...

I can't vouch for that, but I do see multicolored wizards more often than you'd think.

Oh, trippy.

Yeah, man.

And it's cool, you know, and they're usually like pretty cool.

And, you know, we'll just hang out a little bit.

And, you know, they'll talk about spells and whatnot.

And I'm like, cool, you know, man.

And then, you know, it's just peace out.

And then they move on.

And I stay where I am until I move on to my next thing.

So, yeah.

I do see them.

Oh, shoot.

You know what I forgot?

What?

I put something in Chunt's mouth when I cast that spell.

Yeah.

Open your mouth.

Oh, oh, thank you, goddesses.

That was awful.

Nah, that feels much better.

Kill Arnie.

How did you eat that sandwich?

Well, Arnie, if something's stuck in your mouth, you still have room up top and down low.

It's just the middle zone you can't swallow through.

Yeah, and they're not super crunchy sandwiches, so you can kind of like shove a little bit, you know, around whatever is in your mouth.

I've done that before, too.

When, you know, sometimes when you have a whistle and you want to eat a grilled cheese, you just keep that whistle in your mouth and chew and whistle while you do it.

Sounds fun, huh?

So I feel you, Chunt, but it is nice to hear, you know, it's nice to understand you a little more better now.

So I appreciate that.

Yeah, Samsies.

Thank you, Usidor.

I stuck this unshelled peanut in there just so I wouldn't forget about it.

Does anybody want a peanut?

What did you say?

Anyone want a peanut?

Can you enunciate?

Any said that people at baseball games love eating peanuts.

Anyone want a peanut?

Anybody want a peanut?

Anybody want a peanut?

Is that what you say?

There's what

I want a peanut.

Okay, I figured it out.

There were drugs in that cheese, right?

There were drugs in that cheese.

I put some more glue up in mine.

You take all my money.

I'd say there was a drug in that cheese.

In fact, in the entire episode.

A drug called entertainment.

Hmm.

Well, I tried out enthusiasm, and it's not my thing.

User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Trump the Talking Badger was played by Adel Rafai.

Borghild was played by special guest Rebecca Hansen.

You can see and hear Rebecca as Cynthia Forrester and GPC in Mystery Science Theater 3000 on Netflix and The Gizmoplex.

She also wrote on several episodes of MST3K, seasons 11 through 13.

And if you didn't already catch it, watch her in the episode Frank vs.

Russia on It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia on Hulu.

Also, in the Magic Tavern Extended Universe, make sure and check out the newly released Jackbox Naughty Pack on your favorite game platform or PC.

Worked on by the voice of flower, Brooke Bright, as well as someone called Tim Sniffin, which sounds like either a street urchin or an off-putting children's show host.

Some names just creep you out, you know.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Supporters like Bridget of Fingaria, parentheses, Texas, Maya, Kristen, Funiverse, Superstar Shepard.

Wait, can you just declare something like that?

Is it like podcast host where there's really no way of fact-checking it?

Good to know.

Where was I?

Jip Pennington.

Larry the cable guy, but there's one R in Larry, so another cease and desist letter avoided for today.

Probs Danny, Julia Burgering, parentheses, like Burger King, but without the K.

Okay, Julia, keep in mind Burger King is a very touchy subject around here.

Feld Dragoon, Josh Cooley, Patrick Lutz, Squiggly 11, and Big Chumpman the Orange Cat, parentheses, not a gag, just nicknames and a very real cat name.

Okay, I get it, but it's within your power to change nicknames.

Just imagine hearing Squiggly, Eleven, and Boots McFlavawiska, Cat Lawyer.

On here instead, sometimes we just have to reach out and claim the future we'd like to live in.

And finally, Staten Island Jimmy.

Thank you for not writing Manhattan Jimmy, way to keep those ambitions reasonable.

Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com/slash magictavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niekamp, Matt Young, and Adol Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate Producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Tim Joyce.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.