Season 5, Ep 28 - The Scholar Now (w/ Craig Cackowski)

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People of Earth, the following podcast is not real.

But in your earthly northern hemisphere, the days are getting shorter.

The darkness settles in a little more quickly each night.

And that can only mean one thing.

The demonic entity who won your little planet in a game of chance before the dawn of time has arrived.

To make good on his claim and plunge you all into.

No, wait a minute.

Let me check the calendar.

Oh no, that's not happening yet.

This is just autumn.

That's fun.

So, sit back and enjoy the show.

Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon.

I'm your host, Arnie Diecamp.

If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Nine years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal from the Dimensional Rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern The Wander Lost in the Magical Land of Foon.

And I'm joined, as always, by my co-host, Chuck the Talking Badger.

Aw, yeah, baby.

How you doing, bud?

I'm good, bud.

How are you?

I'm doing okay.

I think.

So remember, we had this plan that we were going to surprise Usidor by getting some information about the Wizard War by steering the Wander Lost to the Great Halls of Tarakas?

Yes.

You remember that?

All that I'm just telling you?

You remember that we talked about this?

Arnie, I remember everything.

You slipped me a note during the last episode on a piece of paper, and then at the end it said, eat this.

So I remember reading everything, memorizing it, eating it.

I remember you said to be subtle and call it the G-Hot instead of Great Halls of Teracis.

So, you know, in casual conversation, we'd be like, hey, we should go to the G-Hot someday.

And I don't think you said or cut on.

Okay, good.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Because we're just trying to be more proactive and help with this Wizard War thing.

But it occurs to me now, maybe we should have.

Maybe we should have like run it by him.

Yeah, I don't know if he has, like,

friends or colleagues he'd want to, like, dial up so they could grab a coffee or something.

Or are there, like, wizards there that'll maybe want to kill us?

Like, oh, yeah, good call.

Maybe he didn't return a book.

He goes.

How's everyone doing?

It's good to see you all.

Ah, yes, I live.

Oh, you've already started recording.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm also joined by my other co-host who is always forgiving forgiving no matter what we've done.

Usidor the Blue.

I am Usador, wizard of the 12th realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Trakis.

Cheeky.

The wolves know me as Fian Yalik.

The dwarves know me as Zonanookstanges.

I was known throughout the Northeast as Casmanius Maestar.

And I am most certainly known as he who did slay the Dark Lord and brought about this era of wizards grabbing land,

creating their own fiefdoms.

Why, those loathsome wizards, though I took away their immortality, are still.

Oh,

how they anger me.

Did you say ji-hot?

Oh, hey.

Uh, ji-hot.

I was just saying, gee, it's hot in here.

With all your robes, you must be boiling.

Well, it's funny because we used to refer to the great holes of Truckers as Gat.

Hmm.

Interesting.

And just total random hypothetical, how would you feel if I had steered our tavern with legs, the wander lost, to the Great Halls of Tarakis?

Oh, just theoretically?

Terrified.

Oh, okay.

Yes, I mean, of course, you know,

as you know, Blorth the Brown has taken residence up in the Great Halls of Taracas and is causing all manner of trouble there.

If I found myself there, I would be much on my guard, indeed.

So what you're saying is if we were there, hypothetically, we'd be in Blorth territory.

Hypothetically, that's the stupidest fucking thing you could do.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Well,

let's pop outside because we took you to...

We took him to his favorite restaurant.

It's that place with all the books that serves knowledge.

Yeah.

We got you a table.

We took you to that Great Halls of Tarakis-themed restaurant.

I don't remember what.

Great Halls of Teriakis, maybe it's like marinated beef, I believe.

Surprise.

This is so exciting.

Look, look around here.

Why, I can't tell it from the real fan.

I know.

Yeah, it's very much inspired by the Great Halls of Tarakis, but of course it's not.

It's just a themed restaurant, which is all the rage these days.

Impressive.

Yes.

I mean,

I would also be thrilled if we were actually at the Great Halls of Taracas, even though I'd be scared for my life.

There's so much knowledge there that could assist us in our great battle against evil.

Oh, thank god, Usidor, Usidor.

We are at the Great Halls of Taracas.

What?

We are at the Great Halls.

Shit, get out of here.

Let's go.

We gotta go.

We gotta go right now.

I just didn't know if you wanted to check out a book about how to defeat all the wizards or something.

The library is right here.

Everyone, shut the fuck up.

Oh, because we're in a library.

I'm going to cast.

I'm going to cast a spell of wizard placement.

Okay.

This will tell me if there are any wizards in the immediate area.

Is this different from the spell of wizard come?

Very different.

Okay.

Arnie, we should look away.

Library.

We're in luck.

Yeah.

He must be off on some mission right now.

Blorth isn't here.

We have time to

go through the catacombs and the tomes and the grim wars.

So what you're saying is there this is good for two reasons.

One, we're safe from Blorth, and also, we don't have to cast such a high-pressure character on short notice.

That's correct.

We will simply look around, see what we can find, and then get the hell out of here.

Quickly, follow me.

Here, oh,

the office.

Hey, look who it is.

Hey, what the heck?

It's been a hot minute, you guys.

Hey,

it's I'm sorry, you look very familiar to me, but you seem

different to me.

Hey, is this

scholar?

You know, I run the library here.

Yes, of course, the scholar, but what happened to your voice?

Uh, it's the same voice I've always had.

Come on, forget about it.

Your voice sounds like your name would be like Tony Librarian or something, like Tony Books.

Tony Librarian.

Is that a normal name?

Well,

you sound like a Tony Books.

Tony Books?

You should at least consider it.

It's a pretty good name.

Are you like a change name?

I'd love a good nickname, Tony Books.

That sounds good.

Pretty good name.

I'm a little jealous, frankly.

Wait, what brings you guys here today?

I mean, what an honor.

Well, I guess you can help us if you're the librarian of the Great Halls of Taracas, because we are looking for books to help us defeat all the wizards.

And I'm looking on my phone here at the wiki.

We have met you twice, but I still, your voice is not familiar.

I mean, come on, Arnie, Chunt, Usidor, you know, we're old friends from way back.

Come on.

Arnie, he knows all three of our names.

I know, most of our guests don't get all three.

Well, we're wearing name tags, so.

That's true.

Fuck.

That seemed like a good idea for the tavern.

I mean, also, I mean, come on, guys.

I'm a scholar, you know?

So, uh, like,

pretty tight up here in the brain area, you know?

Okay, guys, let's put him to the test.

Good idea.

Uh, if you're a scholar, name three

things.

Just three things?

Yeah, three things.

I guess grass.

One.

Okay.

Gabaghoul?

Two.

That's my dad.

He's a hunger ghost.

He's a gobble ghoul.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah, grass, gobble ghoul, and

I don't know, this finger.

Oh, hey, oh, hey, hey, come on, guys.

It It is one of the three things.

You said any three things, to be fair.

Any three things.

I think that qualifies.

Come on.

He did pay it off.

I should probably just forget about it.

Forget about it.

Come on.

I should tell you guys that the library is a little different now.

We have converted to digital.

Oh.

Oh.

So, like your fingers.

You only need to touch a book to glean all of its knowledge.

Oh,

that's great.

Oh, that is wonderful.

Yeah,

just use your digits.

Oh, look, here's a book on gardening.

Let me just touch it here and.

Soil, dirt, shovels, bulbs, pistols.

Wow.

I think you're just reading the chapter headings, but

yeah.

You touched it very lightly.

Although, I will say it gave you your...

It turned your thumb green.

Ooh, Arnie, you do it.

Finger a book.

Arnie, finger a book.

Finger a book.

Come on, any book.

Okay.

Let's see here.

What do I want to learn?

I mean, literally, literally, all of the knowledge and foon is contained within these walls.

Okay, yeah, pretty nice luxury to stop and think about it, I guess.

Some of us.

Well, no, you tell me what book.

You pick a book for me, and I'll touch it.

Well, let's see.

How about something on

swordplay?

You are the greatest warrior in food now.

Oh, I fell down.

Oh, oh, I put my finger all over this handmaidens of blirth.

Yeah, that

you have checked out pretty much every volume of Handmaidens of Blirth.

I believe you had the Dragoncock Chronicles

for an inordinate amount of time, you scored.

Yes, now that I've touched it with my fingers, I need to check it out again.

And I'm so sorry, but I do need to put a big foot down on this.

Did you see the Dragon...

What was it?

Dragon.

Dragoncock Chronicles.

Okay, I just want to make sure.

One of the books in the Handmaidens of Blirth series.

Okay, Dragoncock Chronicles.

If I remember correctly, Chunt, I know for a fact you've masturbated to this book.

Really?

According to the wiki.

I've masturbated to so many books, I just can't keep them straight.

Yeah, I wouldn't expect him to remember all of those.

But Usidor, what's the new Handmaidens of Blirth book that you just fingered?

Oh, it's wetter than it's called Handmaidens of Blirth, Wetter Than Ever.

It's all about them traveling to the

different bodies of water throughout Foon and having erotic adventures near waterfalls and lakes and

This isn't the thing where they like get they like show their breasts and get thrown amulets or something.

Yeah, that's one chapter.

That's a whole chapter.

Let me tell you something.

You're lucky that you got a little intimate with the Handmaidens of Blirth book because people have been trying to ban these books from the library.

Oh, that's terrible.

Yeah, cancel culture.

I mean, what are you gonna do?

Scholar,

forgive me for returning to this line of inquiry, but I believe when last we met, you did sound a little different.

You seemed a little less, I don't know, jovial and brash in your nature.

He sounded more scholarly, if I'm being honest.

Yeah, have you gone through any life changes since we saw you last?

Let me tell you guys, everything is exactly the same as it was before.

Really?

I just spend all of my time here in the library, you know, putting prophecies in jars, filing books, you know, basically what it is now.

It's a lot of babysitting, to be honest with you, because of the digital, the switch to digital, you know, it's mostly just, you know, gnomes and trolls and ogres just kind of hang out in the library all day.

You know, they

look through pornography and it's basically babysitting is what I'm doing, you know?

Sure, I bet.

I feel like last time, I might be misremembering.

Last time we saw you, I feel like you had some sort of robes, like a set of robes on, and now it looks like you have like a track suit on and a lot of rings.

I got tons of rings.

You get get your two rings on every finger.

Yeah, and then this track suit is comfortable, let me tell you.

And I'm going commando under it as well.

So, okay.

Arnie, a track suit is

a suit that's magically imbued to be able to track or locate someone inside a large space.

Oh, okay.

That reminds me.

Is there someone tracking you?

Yeah,

I don't know who.

You know, I don't know ultimately who I answer to, but somebody is tracking me in this suit.

That reminds me, we must be cautious, for Blortha Brown has been here before, hasn't he?

Oh, yeah, he was in here the other day.

You see, I don't want to get into a wizard battle with Blorth at this time, so it's imperative.

Oh, no, he would kick your ass, yeah.

Well, I mean, he's kind of a depressive weirdo.

I think I've got a good shot.

I just don't want to mix up a bunch of shit right now.

You must help us.

If there's any knowledge here that could help us in our war against against the wizards, these wizards who have risen up to become such despots.

Yeah, so you're looking for maybe some old school spells, huh?

Yes, yes, some secret arcane knowledge.

Secret to Eden the Wizards until now.

Let's see.

Hey,

how about this 40 spells and how to say them?

Spells and how to say them.

Seems like a pretty beginner book.

It's pretty, pretty basic, but you know, sometimes just going all the way back you know to uh to a to a level one kind of stuff you know it's good to uh to refresh the basics okay okay yeah here i'll take it uh that does raise a good question like how often are you reading spells in books and you like how long does it take to figure out exactly how to say it if it doesn't say how to say it Well, you just try it as many different ways as you can until you get it right.

And as you're starting to get it right, you'll feel the magical energies flowing through your body.

And the closer you get to, the stronger it is, until the magic just flows forth.

Oh, those hands.

You are sat down to hand hens of blurb.

You got all ten fingers on there, buddy.

Yeah, that's a great thing about 40 spells and how to say them.

It does tell you how to say them.

It's right there in the title.

That's very good.

Spells it out phonetically.

Okay, let me try this one.

Presto

change.

Oh.

Trunt!

Huh?

Oh, what did I change you into?

I'm so sorry.

You look kind of like a tiger?

Yeah.

Whoa.

Like a tiny tiger.

Yeah, I'm a little tiny tiger.

Let me say that again.

I'm a little tiny tiger.

Oh, boy.

Look at me.

I'm bouncing.

I'm bouncing around.

Presto Changeo.

Wait, did you say Bresto Changeo?

Come on.

Now I got big tiger tits.

Come on.

Sorry, I was holding both books together.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Let's not be rash.

Maybe we'll stay with this one for a while.

Okay, well, let's take a quick break while Arnie oggles my tiger tits and we'll be right back in the great halls of Taracas.

What a wonderful turn of phrase.

Tiger tits.

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Let's see here.

Perry Thrust Stab.

Harney, stop reading.

This is a

smut.

Come on.

Engorged member?

Yeah, Perry.

Perry is kind of the main guy in the books, and he has all these erotic adventures.

Interesting.

The adventures of Perry Thrust.

Great name.

No notes.

Almost as good as Tony Books.

Hey.

Ah, come on, come on.

Tony Books.

Tony Books over here.

I love it.

I love it.

Tony Books.

Call me Tony Books from now on.

So, Tony Books, can I ask,

as the main librarian of the Great Halls of Tarakis, the only librarian, how has the Wizard War affected you?

I mean, Wizards are kind of at war with each other, with all of Foon.

It's got to have affected you.

To be honest with you,

I have noticed nothing.

I have noticed nothing from, yeah, I mean, you say wizard wars, you know, but I deal with all kinds of wizards, you know, I have to get along with everyone, you know, so I don't really choose sides, you know, when there's factions within the wizard community, you know, because I serve everyone.

Well, you're forbidden to interfere,

as I believe, as your coda.

And I'm

in the wiki.

That's in the wiki.

Yes, definitely.

Great, great.

And I'll go along with that, absolutely.

Well, also,

there's been an animal war with the sky animals, fighting the water animals, fighting the ground animals.

There's been so much upheaval.

Though you can't interfere, surely you have some feelings about it.

Do you even have loved ones?

You had that ogre friend one time, right?

I did, I did.

You know, we were close for a while.

We kind of had a falling out.

You know.

You know, it's tough, these crass-generational relationships, you know,

they don't always work out, you know?

Sure, sure.

Yeah, it's got to be tough being over 300 years old to sort of relate to people that are 200 years or younger.

Yeah, you know, I'm from a very specific micro-generation, you know.

What was your generation called?

Generation A.

Wow,

he really elbowed that stack of books about music.

Yeah, and it started playing music.

That was incredible.

You see, Arnie Chunk, I think the scholar,

though not technically a wizard, is one of the most powerful magical beings in all of Foon.

Nearly as old as myself.

What?

If only we could get him to break his vow and help us,

then maybe we'd have an upper hand on the rest of the wizards.

Uh, Sculler?

Yeah, yeah, sorry, I'm just uh I'm getting things set up.

We're having a drag queen uh story hour.

That's great.

Yeah, it's you know, when anyone tells a story that uh that insults a queen, you know, you just gotta drag a queen and

well, I'd like to I would like to make an offer to you, one of which you cannot refuse.

That's interesting.

Okay.

I mean, are you going to put me under some spell where I can't refuse?

Well, I only have this 40 spells and how to read them, so I don't think that sort of advanced magic is in there.

No, basic, basic stuff.

Hey, you guys need an orange?

You want an orange?

I feel like anytime I eat an orange, someone dies.

Yeah.

Oh, no.

It's terrible.

Sort of a portent of doom.

I'm more.

You eat oranges

Yeah, the pulp shoots out of it pretty quick.

I'm more of a leave-the-wand, take the cannoli type of guy.

I like pastries.

Yeah.

But

what is this offer, you Sundor command?

This offer is to break your solemn vows and to help us defeat evil by joining my quest to return peace to Foon

and help

corral the wizards or convince them to stop doing evil deeds or or maybe even you know we might have to fight and kill a couple of them

But hopefully not hopefully we won't have to kill most of them.

I hope I hope we don't have to kill most of them.

Well not Blortha Brown because he kicked the shit out of you come on Yeah, here's that little shit creature running around I could kick his ass in a second.

I'm hearing a lot of stuff that you want from me Usidor.

I'm not hearing a lot of stuff that I get out of this this uh this situation right but that's that's the beauty of this deal.

Uh-huh.

What is it that you desire?

And I shall procure it for you.

Sorry, we should have asked.

Your daughter's not getting married today or anything, right?

This is, in fact, the day of my daughter's wedding.

I knew it.

There's something in his face.

There's something in his eyes.

How did you guess that?

I didn't even know he had a daughter.

He just looked proud.

His eyes look proud.

Look,

I know this because there's a prophecy in a jar that tells me this.

I don't know who my daughter is.

I don't know what she looks like.

I don't know where she's getting married, but I do know I have a daughter and today happens to be a day of her wedding.

Obviously, I'm in the middle of a shift here at the library.

I do work 24-7 here.

So,

but yeah, you know, I guess I should honor any request that I'm given on the day of my daughter's wedding.

Well, so join our quest and help us defeat all evil.

And then I could help reconnect you with your daughter, perhaps.

It sounds like you don't have the greatest relationship since you don't know who or where she is.

No, that's true.

It's not great.

It's not great.

Oh, so you only came to find out about her through a prophecy?

Am I correct about that?

Well, Yusidor, I know you, I'm sure you know all this, but as a scholar, he puts his past life behind, and he knows almost nothing about who he was before he became the scholar.

That's just straight from the wiki.

Well, yes, but that's why I was confused.

So you learned of your daughter through a prophecy.

It said,

you have a daughter.

She's going to be married on this day.

But it didn't tell you who she is or where she is.

No, the details were vague as they typically are with prophecies.

Fucking prophecies.

Sometimes I think they leave them so vague so you can interpret them any way you want.

Yeah.

Except for the day part.

It was very specific that it's today.

This day, this day.

I tell you what, you know,

again, I work long shifts here at the library, so long as you might say that they are constant and take up every minute of my waking life.

So

I guess I wouldn't mind

sleep.

A nice night of sleep.

You know, and specifically, you know,

there's a little pond like right around the corner from here.

And I'd love to sleep at the bottom of this pond.

Well,

do you like to sleep with any?

Yeah, with anything?

I don't know if there's any fish in that pond specifically.

But yeah, I mean, if there are, I guess I would sleep with the fishes.

Okay,

we can we can certainly get you to sleep with the fishes.

That's not a problem at all.

Wow.

Yes, I mean i if you go to sleep with the fishes that would mean for however long you're asleep I'm assuming roughly eight hours that means Arnie and Chunt would have to run the library in your place.

Ooh

spin off now just in the interest of not settling on the first idea if you're having trouble sleeping is it possible that you're sleeping by yourself?

You just need like a comfort of a companion?

I don't know it's probably too much to ask to have like

an entire person sleep with you, but maybe.

I could give a horse head.

Would that help if I gave a horse head?

That's always your suggestion.

Would you then become a horse?

Um,

I don't know.

I don't think so.

No,

Chunt's powers have changed somewhat since we've seen you last, I believe.

Uh, he has full control of his shapeshifting abilities now.

Uh, now he just gives head for fun and pleasure.

He might just turn into a horse for fun, you know?

Like, that'd be crazy looking too.

Okay, were you to give a horse head?

How what does that have to do with me?

Does that help me in any way?

Just

might make you relax so you can sleep deep, you know, you're not worried about anything.

Because I feel like absolute silence, you know, sleeping in a soundless void, that to me is hard to do.

So to have some sort of commotion going on, maybe some, you know, dulcet moans happening in the background might be soothing and uh help you fall asleep okay so you're suggesting this horse head is going to be like a white noise that's going to lilt him to sleep

well it's yeah it's definitely going to be white noise yeah ani have you ever heard horse sex noises sadly

very calming

I feel like if that were to happen, that I would be awakened

from a deep sleep

with just a series of blood-curdling screams.

That this whole horsehead situation is a good idea.

Okay, all right, well, that's

again, we don't have to.

We're just all spitballing here.

These are all good ideas.

Yeah, we're spitballing.

I would say,

well, I could maybe I could teach you some magic that would help you.

That would help you sleep while you're still

seem to be awake and as zombie-like move through the halls of Tarakis, putting books back on shelves.

But you'd be technically asleep.

You'd just be...

Your body would still be moving it and doing things.

I'd love to learn a spell from you, Yusudor.

It would be, it would be an honor.

Really?

Okay, well, let me see.

What would a spell like that entail?

Let's see, we'd need

we definitely need some horse cum

on it and uh

ran off so fast.

Yeah, well, I if I if we need something, we're friends, we always help each other out, right, Ani?

Oh, yeah, yeah, sure.

I mean, yeah,

his feet moved like in a circle and kicked up like a cloud of dust.

Yeah,

that was a crazy noise.

I've never seen it.

There was a cloud in the shape of him standing here for a minute after he had already been, after he was already gone.

I'm back.

Sorry, I put a me-shaped hole in the wall as I left the library.

I went around the corner, turned into a horse, and

J-O'd into this.

Here you go.

Oh, thank you.

Did you need any instruction?

I'm sorry?

Never mind.

Any J-O instructions?

Yeah.

I mean it's always nice, but when you're in a pinch.

I mean you could kind of figure it out on your own, right?

Yeah, I guess so.

Now, all right, we got the first key ingredient here.

Yes, and then of course we'll need uh

we'll need an orange.

Where can we get an orange?

Um

I've got a bowl of them sitting ominously right here.

Wonderful.

Uh an orange.

Uh, then we need I hope I hope this spell continues to be things we've already referenced having in this episode.

What are you talking about?

Nothing, no, no, I'm just saying it's we We need the hair.

So far, we've been very lucky that there are things that we've already.

Well, we haven't mentioned the next one at all.

Okay.

If you be quiet for a second, listen, we need the hair of a man from another world.

Oh, shit.

Where are we gonna find that?

Hair of a man from another world.

Come on.

Well, I could give a horse head and see if he knows anything.

That's a good idea.

There he goes.

He ran off so fast.

He made a different hole in the wall.

Why not just go through the walls?

It's the same one.

Yeah.

I'm back.

Sorry about the second hole.

Didn't know anything.

That's a shame.

Oh, I am from another world.

I forget that.

I always forget it.

Yeah.

I guess.

How much of you are you?

How used to you being here?

I think of you as part of the family.

One of us,

one of us foonish peoples,

part of our world.

Hmm, that means a lot.

But also i am from another world and that makes me a little special so i i do think it's i i prefer you didn't forget that get your hair

oh you got a good chunk there yeah now the last thing we need is something

that a bride would be wearing do we know of any brides

well today is the day of my daughter's wedding that's right oh but also horses wear bridles I'm gonna go give a horse a half chunk no chunk that's a different thing

there you go third hole third hole Third hole.

Sorry about the third hole in the wall.

Yeah,

we should use Tony Books' daughter.

We should use that.

We don't know who she is or where she is, though.

She could be any bride.

Although I suppose any bride will do.

Which is, I suppose, not really a thing you should say.

But...

Not to make a girl feel special.

Yes, we need something a bride would wear on her wedding day.

Oh, what could that be?

What could that be?

Oh, is there any veils in the library?

Like mysterious or otherwise?

Yeah, I mean,

let me just check the

card catalog.

That's the one thing that's not digital yet.

Sure,

while he's checking that, Arnie, look, look up in the rafters of the library.

It's Spintax's robes.

Sort of...

They retired his robes.

Wow.

Wow, that's cool.

And his number, too.

Right, whatever.

Not that great.

33.

Man, those are cool robes.

Oh, he's right.

right.

Yeah, it's fine.

It's fine.

He's an asshole now.

So, what do you care?

He won four wizard championships in a row?

Of course he did.

Of course he did.

Everyone loves Spintax.

He's the greatest, the greatest of all time.

You sir, where's your robes, retired?

Are they up on the wall?

I'm wearing my robes, Chunt.

These are the same robes I've had since I was at the Great Halls of Tarakis hundreds of years ago.

Wow.

I got it.

I got it.

Help me.

We've got an entire stack full of mysterious veils.

The things you discover.

Oh.

I didn't even know they were here.

You always forget the libraries are more than just books and newspapers.

You know, you can check out movies and things like that.

Anything.

Grass, Gabagoul, this finger.

We got it all.

Come on.

Do people check out that finger very often?

You'll be surprised.

Are they allowed to take it home or do they have to experience it just here and take it home?

They can take it home.

I like it returned by the end of the day.

Sure, sure.

Let us go to review these mysterious veils right after this break.

What a mysterious room filled with mysterious veils.

It was kind of cool how we had to go under a veil to get into the veil room at all.

And to be honest, I've never been in here before.

This is this is crazy.

Yeah, I sort of feel a chill going up my spine

as if some truth is just beyond our reach here in this room.

Something that's been

in the back of our minds this entire time

yet never revealed.

Hmm.

Or maybe I'm just imagining it.

Yeah.

It's kind of cold.

It's cold in here, so maybe that's it.

Looks like the veils are breathing.

They're sort of moving in and out or up and down.

Something, right?

Be careful.

Touch not the veils lest you're sure where they come from.

For it's possible, not only could they reveal a truth, but they could also obscure a truth.

Hey, what about this veil over here?

No, no, no, hang on, hang on, hang on.

I don't want you to disappear behind these veils.

What if, what if you were lost for all time?

I mean, you know, if that's my fate, then so be it.

I want to touch one of these veils so bad.

I want to touch them all.

Okay.

Alright, well, I don't want you touching them indiscriminately, so like, let's let's just do it methodically and watch each other.

If one of us disappears into behind a veil, try to get the other one out.

Are we going to help support each other here?

This is all starting to sound a little pervy.

Look, all I want to do is slip behind this curtain and peek out and see if anyone can see me or not.

Does that sound pervy?

Yes.

I guess not.

It's a bit of a long shot, though, a bit of a Veil Mary.

Why don't we try on...

Oh, here's a white one.

This is kind of white and lacy.

Oh, okay.

Yes, that looks quite nice.

Virginal.

Yeah, virginal.

Who wants to touch it?

I'll touch it to start.

Okay.

I'll grab your leg.

Maybe Arnie, you grab my legs, just in case.

No, I'll stand over here.

What do I grab?

A memory.

A memory of a babbling brook

and a sun.

That's a name.

What?

What?

Brooke, Brooke.

Her name is Brooke, folks.

Brooke.

Well, my last name's not really Books.

Goodbye.

Oh, sorry.

It's a nickname we invented a half hour ago.

Although, Brooke Books.

Brooke Books has a certain ring to it.

I like the alliterative nature of it, but yeah, no, my daughter's name is Brooke.

Oh.

You just remembered that just now.

Yeah, she babbles all the time.

That's incredible.

Well, I felt like I was the person who wore this veil and I was standing

under the stream near the babbling brook and there was a waterfall nearby, and

I can't remember now.

It seems to escape to my mind.

Here, let's touch another one of these veils.

Arnie, why don't you touch this pulsating blue one?

Okay.

Glowing pulsating.

Wait, okay.

I see a sky

full of rain.

Oh, good, that could be anywhere.

A door, black as night.

A door in the sky, sky Arnie burned handprints on the door

burned handprints

I'm glad my part of that is done you guys can figure it out

That was intense you just you just went somewhere and that yeah that was nuts I don't want to touch that thing again

Well, it's hard to interpret uh you know burned hand prints it could be I don't know it could be an abbreviation for handsome prince.

Maybe we have to find a handsome prince.

Hand Prince.

Oh, wait, the most handsome prince in all the land is Blackdoor, Theodore Blackdoor, of the Mountain Range Blackdoors.

Oh, isn't he getting married today to that girl?

What's her name?

Becca

Beatrice

Brock.

Rebecca Books?

Brock.

Broke.

Broke.

Broke.

Brooke.

Broke.

Broke.

Brooke.

Brooke.

My daughter.

Oh,

actually,

Arnie, the the veil that you just picked up, do you mind if I borrow that?

Sure.

Okay, let me grab this.

Okay.

What do you see, child?

I see

a chapel.

Stained glass all around.

Doves on the ceiling.

A ring.

Doves.

Okay.

Yeah, yeah, I think so.

Did anyone else have

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, it really gets into your lungs.

I'm asthmatic, so it's hard for me to tell whether there was a difference or not.

Okay, so what do we do with the horse cum?

Oh, well, once we put together the hair and the horse come,

and one of these veils, but the veils are also revealing these amazing secrets to us.

Here, scholar, I want you to take.

I'm sorry, Tony Books.

I want you to take

the blue, pulsating, glowing veil.

Got it.

And then I'm going to cast this spell.

You repeat after me, and you shall be all shall be revealed.

And all shall be revealed.

And then.

And then?

You will know your daughter, and you will finally be able to sleep.

You will know your daughter, and you will finally be able to sleep.

Eroth.

Eroth.

Chonta.

Chonta.

Rockathal.

Rockathal.

Presto Changeo

Bresto Changeo

Scala Scala are you alright

what what happened where

with Usidor what a surprise what brings you to the halls of Tarakis

we've been with you all day

but you were different and now you seem like your old self yeah

I do not not know who myself is, Usidor.

But if you say so,

then I trust you.

I uh I have to admit something.

Oh, yeah?

I wanted to sleep.

I wanted to sleep so badly that I

cast a spell from a rudimentary book of spells and

found a victim.

Someone to track.

I've been tracking him.

And I had the best sleep.

Oh, it was so good.

Oh.

Wait, so you mean Tony Books was a victim who took your place that you were tracking?

I don't feel good about the word victim, but I used it for some reason.

You did use the word, so I was just parody back what you said.

Well, I mean, I suppose subject, subject.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Sounds like subject.

That sounds like the sort of euphemism I would use in my magic.

Now, it sounds like perhaps we've freaked Tony Books and he's at his daughter's wedding then.

I hope so.

Well, that's wonderful.

For that is what the prophecy has foretold.

A prophecy came true.

They're usually such bullshit.

What a wonderful day this is.

Arnie, Chunt, Scholar, we have helped reunite a family, and we've allowed the scholar to sleep.

And I have a book of 40 spells.

Gaelieve Lichtenkamer.

We knew that one.

Yeah, that's that's a pretty light, though.

It's good to have you back.

Scholars, it's good to have you back.

I do.

I do miss Tony.

Scholar, do you mind if I just give you a hug as if you were Tony?

Um, sure, sure.

And then will you forget about it?

Uh, oh,

that's quite the ask.

Uh, yeah, I can try I could try.

Yes, bring it in.

Try and forget about it.

And now forget about it.

I know it was you, Tony.

You broke my heart.

Okay, okay, forget about it.

I forgot.

Arnie didn't.

He didn't finger a book.

Yes, we're all digital now.

I don't know if.

I don't know if Tony's going to be able to do it.

We heard.

Yeah, we heard.

Yeah, we already had.

Okay, good, good.

Ah, great.

We were just fucking around all day with Tony books, and we wasted our time.

We could have gotten help from the scholar.

Scholar, will you join mine quests to defeat the evil wizards who have become horrible warlords in their own kingdoms.

I must remain disinterested.

Wow, that's the worst way to put it.

Damn!

Yeah, rough.

That means impartial.

It's not the same thing as uninterested.

People often misuse that word.

Anytime Usura rambles on about a story, I think Arnie, you and I can just look at him and say, I have to remain disinterested.

That rules.

What a great comeback.

Damn.

I gotta write that.

Alright.

But I will say this, Usidor.

Yes.

What's in it for me?

Because I did just have a picture of the camera.

I'll pay my library fines.

How about that?

Oh.

Whether they're quite steep.

Well, tell me.

Alright, fine.

I'm sure I can come up with the money.

Oh, it looks like the Blorth tracker's going off.

We have to get out of here.

Sorry, Scholar.

We must go.

Quickly, back into the Wanderloss.

Scholar, before we go,

can you just give us one book that you think will help us in the Wizard War?

Well, um, there is a new handmaiden's birth.

Hmm, okay, we'll take that.

Wetter than ever?

Yeah, we already got it.

Wetter than oh, you have it, or you have it, it's good.

It's good, it's quite good.

But perhaps, oh, this very thin volume here, hmm, a book with one spell in it.

That's quite powerful.

The most powerful spell, That's what it's called.

Oh.

Here, give it to me.

It's more of a pamphlet.

It's like a pamphlet.

Do you have your card?

Your library card must be on the card.

I'm sure I've got it.

It's probably in my hat.

You know who I am.

I know, but you know who I am.

Can't you just look me up

in your system or whatever you've got?

You know, your crystal ball or whatever.

Okay.

Nothing's coming up for you, Sidor.

Is there another name you want to try?

Okay.

We can do this.

How about Zonin and Huxangis?

Zonin and Hooksang.

And spell that for me?

Z-O-E-N-E-N-H-O-O-J-S-T-A-D-E-S.

Okay, no, no, nothing under that.

The boys tracker's getting very brown.

Okay, you sidor.

This fell out of your hat.

It's membership to Casco?

Does this work?

My membership to Casco, my theater fan appreciation card?

Theater again.

I appreciate the cat.

It has nothing to do with spells.

You appreciate fans of theater?

Yes, that's right.

Cast.

We love casts and I love fans and other fans of theater.

Oh, here, how about this?

How about this?

How about a library card to the Library of Meredith?

Do you have like some sort of exchange program?

We do.

It's another branch, yes.

Great.

Oh, perfect.

Perfect.

Yes, there we go.

There we go.

Okay.

Okay.

Now, give me the book.

Give me the book.

Give me the book.

Please.

That's the whole thing.

That's the whole spell.

It's the magic word.

Get out of here.

Smell brown?

Smells like brown.

Fuck this.

I'm gone.

Thanks, the scholar.

Good to see you.

Keep the horse gum.

Stupid fucking book.

Please kiss my ass.

Say goodbye to.

What was his name?

Tony Books.

That's it.

I remember now.

Tony Books.

I'm taking this finger.

Yes, take that finger, Arnie.

Take it.

Take all of it.

Who just did that to me, you may be thinking?

Well, User or the Wizard was played by Matt Young.

Chump the Talking Badger was played by Adol Raffai.

The Scholar and Tony Books were played by special guest Craig Kakowski.

Go to orangetuxedoimprov.com to see if Craig is teaching or performing improv in a town near you.

Look also for him in the Peacock series Hysteria, premiering this fall.

And listen to his podcast, Craigslist, The Next Generation.

I think it's just nice having a seasoned improviser on the show.

The fan-maintained Magic Tavern Wiki was mentioned a lot in this episode.

Thanks to everyone who's helped contribute to it over the years.

Hmm, not sure Venmo is accepting thanks these days.

If you'd like to check it out and maybe help fill in some of the entries for season 5, unbelievable.

Head to magictavern.wiki.com.

Hello for the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Supporters like Justinius Maximus Semper Chorus, Jake Fish, Edward Schumark Banks, yes, you did hear a hyphen, Parker Madsen, Alicia Kate Storin, Baked Tater 79, Nicks, Clockwork Rhapsody, Andrew Beattie, No Relation to Warren or Ned, Crimson, and please understand I'm about to read verbatim what's right in front of me.

And Tim Sniffin.

Yes, me, I'm as surprised as you are.

End quote.

Let that under no circumstances suggest that this Tim Sniffin character supports this show in any way.

The nerve.

Patrons, even the hero that wrote that last one, get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs and at least two new bonus episodes each month.

Here's a clip from the most recent bonus episode, where Arnie tries to explain snack mascots to Chunt and Usidor.

Okay.

Yeah, I'm kind of with Usidor.

It feels like all food on the label, there should just be a skeleton not eating the food.

And then that kind of shows, like, hey, if you don't eat this, you'll die.

Smart.

Because I'm pretty sure everyone on Earth needs to eat to live, right?

There's no difference there.

Every label should be a person who's alive and healthy.

handing that food to a skeleton who's going, no, no, no, no, no, and waving their hands.

And then there's a gravestone.

That's the label for every food.

Well, we solved it.

All right, Arnie.

Good meeting.

All right.

Well, no, no, no, guys.

Look, look at this.

Look at this.

Oh, Arnie.

Oh, oh, oh, my god, it says, why didn't you tell us that we had such a distinguished guest here?

Sir, I am so sorry.

This is Mr.

Peanut, the mascot of Planters Peanuts.

Oh, wow.

Of course it is.

Grabs his hand on Shantae, Your Majesty.

To hear the rest and learn more about supporting the show, even though that may mean encountering more things like what you just heard, visit patreon.com/slash magic tavern.

Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arnie Niecamp, Matt Young, and Adel Rafai.

Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.

Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

This episode edited by Sage GC.

Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Alard LeBan.

Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.