Season 5, Ep 78 - Lady Dowager (w/ Pratima Mani)

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Speaker 1 People of Earth. The following podcast is more not real than a horse kick to the face is not ticklish.
Forgive me for this.

Speaker 1 My recent performance review said my disinterest in the product was palpable and off-putting. Who's ready for some hot podcast lightning to be shot into your ears via the battering ram of joy?

Speaker 1 You're about to be subjected to so many rich character choices. You'll barely even notice we've got about as much of a story arc as Cloud Atlas.

Speaker 1 Now, sit that hot caramel fun pillow down into your chair. This is exhausting.
And prepare to have your face melted by your white-hot enjoyment of this show. Exclamation points.

Speaker 1 Hello from the Magic Tavern, a weekly podcast from the Magical Land of Foon. I'm your host, Arnie Niekamp.
If you've never listened to the podcast before, this is everything you need to know.

Speaker 1 Over 10 and a half years ago, I fell through a dimensional portal behind a Burger King in Chicago into the magical, fantastical land of Foon.

Speaker 1 Luckily, I'm still getting a Wi-Fi signal through the dimensional rift, and I use that to upload a podcast recorded here in the tavern, the ruffled feather, in McShingle-Shane Forest, on the outskirts of Hogsface, in the magical land of Foon.

Speaker 1 And I am joined, as always, by my co-host, Chunt the Talking Badger. Bing bong.
Hey, oh, that was

Speaker 1 quite a fast bing-bong. How you doing, buddy? Oh, do you want me to slow down? No, I'm just, I guess, maybe I'm just...

Speaker 1 Look, something about me is that I'm always parsing for micro expressions and just subtle ways people are saying their catchphrases differently.

Speaker 1 I just noticed that you did a bing-bong, like a fast bing-bong. Just checking on you.
And thinking like, oh no, is he mad at me? Did he say it so fast because he's mad at me?

Speaker 1 Arnie, I have to admit, I'm mad at you. Oh, shit.
I knew it. What is it? It's just,

Speaker 1 I don't know how to put this. Arnie, at this very table, typically I sit where you're currently sitting and you sit over here.
Oh. It just feels a little passive-aggressive to sit where I sit.
Oh.

Speaker 1 You knew we've never talked about seats. I guess.

Speaker 1 But I guess for 10 odd some years, years, I've always sat right there. So I guess I'm just curious what's going on this morning.
Are you okay? Oh, I am. I guess I'm just a little,

Speaker 1 I've been working so hard to try to figure out this thing about trying to find get earth people here in Foon.

Speaker 1 You know, we've made up these t-shirts. I move into Foon.
Hey, listeners, it's a great holiday season gift for your parents who will have no idea what it means.

Speaker 1 And I guess I'm just, I'm working on that so hard that I didn't even notice where I sat down. And it's totally fine.
I mean, hey, after 10 years, we should shake things up.

Speaker 1 Wouldn't it be fascinating if we all sat in different seats for a recording? I think that's the kind of fun,

Speaker 1 new kind of content, new angles that listeners would appreciate.

Speaker 1 Arnie, are you listening? What's that? No, I'm sorry. I'm just thinking.
Are you mad at me? I'm thinking about these shirts. No, I'm not mad at you.
I'm just... It's worse, actually.

Speaker 1 I'm just not thinking about you right now, and I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
That's fine.

Speaker 1 Oh, if I could maybe help you with your thing, if that helps alleviate some amount of,

Speaker 1 you know, your stress. What if we had you sidor magic these shirts? So the minute someone puts them on, it sort of

Speaker 1 sucks them into food. Oh.

Speaker 1 Well, that would be incredible. I feel like that's not a promise we should make on the podcast.
How about this? You don't think I can do it?

Speaker 1 I am one of the greatest wizards who has ever lived, and my magical power could certainly suck people right off of Earth. Don't say it like that.
Are you mad at us? Of course. Phew.

Speaker 1 Okay, well, I'm also joined by my other co-host, Usidor the Wizard.

Speaker 1 I am Usador, Wizard of the 12th Realm of Ephesius, Master of Light and Shadow, Manipulator of Magical Delights, Devourer of Chaos, Champion of the Great Halls of Tarakis.

Speaker 1 The Elves know me as Fionyalik. The dwarves know me as Zonan and Ookstanges, and I am known throughout the Northeast as Gasmanius Maystar.

Speaker 1 And there is no feat so great that Usador oh cannot accomplish it with magic did he say devour of chaos i don't i was really not

Speaker 1 thinking about these shirts i wasn't even listening to what he was saying

Speaker 1 i said it i i kind of i kind of i've kind of pushed through it i was devourer of chaos kind of it was kind of bad it's kind of like my bing bong it's a little bit like your bing bong it's more of a succinct bong

Speaker 1 a succinct bong do we gotta have a succinct bong in the merch store just as a ooh yeah that might be kind of nice yeah absolutely it's like one little hit and you're high yeah Unlike those other bongs.

Speaker 1 Oh, so wasteful. It's for a long walk.
Mm-hmm. Yusuro, what have you been up to this week? I've been contriving ways to defeat all of the forces of evil.

Speaker 1 Oh, how I sit and I plot and I wonder and I ponder and I go, hmm, would that destroy evil?

Speaker 1 Probably not. And then I sit and I think for a while longer about something else and I go, oh, that's it.
That's no, no, that's not it either. And then I go, aha, that's the thing.

Speaker 1 And then I go, no, no, no, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. wait.
What if we made shirts that when evil put them on,

Speaker 1 it like killed them? Ooh. I feel like we should be making

Speaker 1 more shirt-based magic, is what you're saying. Yeah, it feels like shirts are just an opportunity to do a lot of things.
Yeah, I'm loving everything you're saying, Chunt.

Speaker 1 The only thing is, I don't want to accidentally, like, send people the wrong shirts.

Speaker 1 Like, I don't want to get the wires crossed and we're accidentally killing our listeners and teleporting evil people to us. Yeah, that's fair.
That's fair. So I'm totally into it.

Speaker 1 And in fact, I'm willing to commit to a sacred promise that we'll do an episode where we magically bring people with our shirts onto the podcast.

Speaker 1 At least like a pop-in from one or two, just to see how it goes. But let's make sure we get the magic right before we do it.
Get the magic. That's Arnie.

Speaker 1 Bless your heart. Get the magic right.
I think that's our motto for the next few months. Sure.
Let me write that. Get the magic right.
Magic right.

Speaker 1 Now, if we're worried about the shirts being crossed, we could make a shirt that says, this shirt is for evil.

Speaker 1 And then when you put it on, it doesn't fit right.

Speaker 1 You think you ordered a 2XL, and it's really just a medium.

Speaker 1 And evil will look like fools. Oh my god, this is that's brilliant.
And maybe like the armholes are like in the chest and the back.

Speaker 1 So they're trying to put it on. They're like, what the fuck?

Speaker 1 What a bunch of morons. They're like, what the fuck? I love their arm through their...
You know what I'm saying? Like, what the

Speaker 1 fuck? I love everything you're saying. The only thing is, what about the side effect?

Speaker 1 If some people, maybe they put on a little weight or something and their shirts don't fit, suddenly they're like, oh shit, if I turned evil?

Speaker 1 Oh. Hmm.
Hmm. Did you think about that? Man, there's a lot of angles.

Speaker 1 With great shirts comes great responsibility. We just have to think these things through.
We've got to get the magic right. We've got to get the magic right.
We've got to get the magic right.

Speaker 1 Guys, I'm sorry. I know we're, we could talk about these shirts for hours, but.
Okay.

Speaker 1 Let's do it. Are we committing to a whole shirt talk episode? Is that what this is? With no guests?

Speaker 1 Shirt talk.

Speaker 1 I'm just saying, there's this very striking woman over by the bar.

Speaker 1 Excuse me. Shooting the shirt.
That might be a better name for it. Ma'am? Miss? Arnie.
Arnie. Arnie.

Speaker 1 Arnie, she's out of your league. Hello.

Speaker 1 Hello. Would you mind joining us here at this very table? Ah, I mean, I was, um, you know, pondering to myself, grieving a little bit, if you will, in my solitude, but

Speaker 1 I did notice you three gentlemen talking a lot about shirts.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 I suppose I could do with the company.

Speaker 1 Enchantment. Please take my seat.
I'll sit in a different chair today. Thank you so much.

Speaker 1 This chair is so much lower than my normal chair. Oh, Lady Dowager.
Oh, hello. Nice to meet you, Lady Dowager.
Hello. Yes, you might not be able to tell through the veil, but I'm sure.

Speaker 1 My regal bearing, people comment on it. So yes, you have a veil kind of mostly obscuring your face.

Speaker 1 Do you mind me asking what that's all about? Uh well um I'm I'm sure you might have been able to tell from uh as I said my regal bearing. I'm Lady Dowager, uh four-time winner of FMEW.

Speaker 1 FMEW? Arnie. Oh, oh, oh, that's sweet.
You don't you don't know. Um uh uh Foon's most eligible widow.

Speaker 1 Everyone knows knows F-M-E-W, Foon's most eligible widow. Arnie, you've never heard of the F-Muse?

Speaker 1 I've never. No, Foon's most eligible widow.
Oh,

Speaker 1 and I imagine that must be what you're grieving. Uh, yes, I'm-I'm-I'm grieving the loss of my dear departed, most recent husband.
Uh, and, you know, there's just so much, so much to think about death.

Speaker 1 The after,

Speaker 1 the grey, the grey, the void, the void. when you think about it that way, do you want to think about shirts or do you want to think about death? Which shirt would I pick?

Speaker 1 Yeah, what kind of shirt would you want to be buried in?

Speaker 1 Strangely, you know, no brand ever asks me this question, but it would be a shirt where I think the holes were in a place where they

Speaker 1 shouldn't be.

Speaker 1 Well, well, well, Arnie. Looking at that.
The holes were in a place where, like, you'd imagine the holes would be in a certain place, but then they're not in that place. Sure.

Speaker 1 And you're like, what the fuck? You're sort of throwing

Speaker 1 death an insult back in his face. So you took me out.
Now I'm dead. Look at me.
I'm not even wearing a proper shirt, idiot death. Yes, suck on that reaper, as we say.

Speaker 1 And also, as someone who's been to my fair share of

Speaker 1 very sad funerals, you know, if it's going to be an open casket, you've got to give him a show. That's true.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Otherwise, it's like, what? what was it for? What was, you know, when you go to an open casket and it's just like a guy looking the same as, you know, you knew him your whole life. Like,

Speaker 1 wouldn't you want your money back? A little bit? Of course. Absolutely.
Do you pay to go to these funerals? Is that what you're suggesting? You'd want your money back?

Speaker 1 You don't pay when you go to a funeral, Arnie? I mean, I guess sometimes you give money.

Speaker 1 You don't pay. We don't.
You think they put those things on for free? There's not.

Speaker 1 Well, no, it's very expensive, but the people who come to pay their respects, I guess they say pay their respects, but it's just

Speaker 1 right in the name, Arnie. How do you get past the security guard? Security guards?

Speaker 1 Yes. You don't have security at your funerals? Anyone could just come in? I guess so.
What? Oh,

Speaker 1 dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear, dear. Well, I'm sure all the bodies are getting robbed.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 people just rob bodies like in during the funeral? I mean, most of the time, if they're doing a good open casket, then you want to rob it. it.
So they're like blinged-out bodies.

Speaker 1 Arnie, you have to contact Reaper Master. You have to get your ticket for the funeral.
You have to go through security. They have to see if you have any weapons on you.

Speaker 1 You have to make sure that you pay all the fees. And if you want a concession while you're there, you're going to pay through the nose for that.
Is there any way to put on a funeral?

Speaker 1 And look, I'm saying you still want to charge people for the funeral, but can you get around Reaper Master? Because those fees are exorbitant, right?

Speaker 1 They're kind of the only game in town.

Speaker 1 I mean, you could buy tickets directly from the dead body, but that's pretty rare for someone to set that up beforehand to have the foresight, I guess.

Speaker 1 Some future seers, I guess. Some fortune-tellers.

Speaker 1 There used to be Grave Hub, but I think they got bought by Reaper Master. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Unlife Nation, I think, was also one.

Speaker 1 And of course, if there's no security in place, like, you know, who's going to make sure that you don't go in with over, you know, under 100 milliquarts of liquid on you?

Speaker 1 You're not allowed to do that. Oh, yeah.
Sure. No, absolutely not.
Liquid around a dead body, Arnie? No, thank you.

Speaker 1 People walking in who had qualms with the deceased in their life, just coming in with the liquids to throw in their dead faces. A lot of people just...

Speaker 1 A lot of people just pouring liquids.

Speaker 1 My dear boy, I'm starting to think you've never been to a funeral. I guess I have.
I mean, I've seen a lot of people die here in Fund. I guess I haven't been to any funerals now that I think about it.

Speaker 1 Oh, no. You've never been invited to.
Oh, well, it's kind of like, you know, we call it death parties. Death parties.
Death fates. Death fates.

Speaker 1 Death fates.

Speaker 1 Death fate. We say death fate.
Now, lady, I couldn't help but notice, is your first name lady? Or is or is Lady Dowager a title?

Speaker 1 My first name is Lady. Ah.
Lady, may I ask,

Speaker 1 if I've not been overly familiar,

Speaker 1 you mentioned this was your most recent husband who passed away. You've been married before then.

Speaker 1 I

Speaker 1 you know, some people say

Speaker 1 seven times, eight times, nine times. Who's counting, really? I mean, who's

Speaker 1 the people who say that are the ones who are counting? Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Well, I mean, I find that people who count spouses are people who've never truly fallen, you know, gotten swept up in the moment of love.

Speaker 1 You know, that is beautiful. You just love so much, you don't even know.
I love so

Speaker 1 fiercely, it's like a deep, stinging burning inside my being.

Speaker 1 Right from the tip of my veil to the bottom of my anus, it's that's how deep the love is. And when you're feeling a burning like that, what are you going to think about, what, three spouses ago?

Speaker 1 That's rude.

Speaker 1 Marriage ain't nothing but a number, I always say.

Speaker 1 Marriage is a number,

Speaker 1 and you know, I have so deeply loved all of my spouses.

Speaker 1 Is it my fault that a series of unfortunate events has occurred?

Speaker 1 I just want to express my deepest sympathies for all seven, eight, or nine of your losses. Thank you.
Yes. And I'm just putting something together.
You said you're four-time winner of Foon's most

Speaker 1 eligible widow. Trademark, yes.
So you've won this

Speaker 1 like after four of the six, seven, or eight widowings. Is that what you're saying? Yes,

Speaker 1 I mean, one

Speaker 1 actually is so is so gauche. I don't consider it a win.
I do it for the love of professional widowry. Sure.
Oh, I see. Yeah, respect for the grief.
Respect for the stoicism.

Speaker 1 It's the craft. It's the craft.
Not everyone can do it. It's an honor just to be widowed.
Is that what you're saying? It is absolutely an honor to be widow.

Speaker 1 Widows, I don't know how it is where you hail from, but widows are lots of, lots of perks. I'd love to hear what some of those perks are.
Oh, if you go to a park, people have to give you a bench.

Speaker 1 Have to give you a bench. Doesn't matter what's happening on the bench, they have to give you the bench.
Wow. You can usually park your horse wherever you want.

Speaker 1 You can park your horse wherever you want.

Speaker 1 If you're in nature and the animals are being, like, say, the birds are tweeting too loud, they have to be quiet. Oh, wow.
Maybe you ask them to.

Speaker 1 Also, for some reason, free produce. No.
Free produce. Yes,

Speaker 1 that's nice. Now, I can't help but notice that your black veil that you wear in honor of your recently deceased husband.

Speaker 1 You can't help but notice that it's reversible and that it's white on the other side.

Speaker 1 Yes, well, what it is is, you know, sometimes love takes you so quickly, you sit all.

Speaker 1 It just sweeps you off your feet and turns you upside down, and then you're falling down a hill of love backwards and you tumble right into

Speaker 1 a marriage altar. What wouldn't you know? And then you have to be, you have to be ready.
You have to be ready. And, you know, try cleaning, cleaning, getting

Speaker 1 a veil washed is no, no, no inexpensive business. Well, and why have two veils when you can have one that works for both occasions? For both things.

Speaker 1 It's a marriage veil. It's a funeral veil.
It's actually a microfeeber, so you can use it to dust things.

Speaker 1 Oh.

Speaker 1 So when you're cleaning up the house with the veil, do you take it off and use it in your hand, or do you just kind of like wipe your face along things?

Speaker 1 You see, as a widow, there's I am constantly grieving so

Speaker 1 it's sort of like you you if you if you see a dirty thing you just cry over it

Speaker 1 and then the veil the veil is there

Speaker 1 so you like crumple to the ground in grief and while you're there you just kind of rub your face along the floorboards a little bit constantly constantly it's amazing I'm standing at all

Speaker 1 and the veil also you know it also if you if you as you can see it's going right now from my forehead to my knees standard veil length standard issue from the forehead to the knees

Speaker 1 yes

Speaker 1 you apply the forehead to the knees it's yes from the forehead to the knees

Speaker 1 it's a catchy there's a lot of slogans for veils veils are pretty popular right now yeah you didn't finish the song from the forehead to the knees

Speaker 1 skeet skeet i'm in my grief

Speaker 1 that is uh traditional widow's widow's whale we call it and uh you know if you hitch it down just a little actually it makes quite uh uh quite a fetching dress

Speaker 1 Just pop that whole thing down a little bit, just past the clavicle. Fetching dress.
Yes,

Speaker 1 you're prepared for any occasion, it seems. Eddie occasionally.
Let me ask Lady Dowager, what has been the. I hope this isn't an insensitive question.

Speaker 1 What's the fastest turnover time between, you know, leaving a funeral and just being at another wedding? I mean,

Speaker 1 we have a saying in the widow community: every

Speaker 1 funeral is a wedding with the wrong playlist.

Speaker 1 That is

Speaker 1 what we say.

Speaker 1 That is what we say. I know that, you know, there's an old adage that whenever the goddesses close a door, they open a widow.
They do.

Speaker 1 And I feel like this new version, I think, is a lot more apropos of modern-day widows.

Speaker 1 Yes, I mean, I think widows can have it all, really.

Speaker 1 I know there's a lot of talk about widows can't have it all. But we absolutely can have it all.
You can be in your grief. You can be in your stoicism.

Speaker 1 You can be hitching the dress down past your clavicle. You can be meeting people.
You can be falling backwards down the hill of love. You can be getting married again.

Speaker 1 You can have dalliances in between. It's all, you know, you can do it all.
It's just, it's really down to multitasking. I hate to be technical, but the one thing you can't have is your dead husband.

Speaker 1 No.

Speaker 1 No. And just like that.

Speaker 1 It would be gross.

Speaker 1 Grosh. It would be gross.

Speaker 1 On that note, let's take a quick break. We have some gross sponsors.

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Speaker 1 Lady Dowager, I have a question for you. Do ask me.
We're in a magical land, and

Speaker 1 again, I don't know if this is. I feel like every question I want to ask, there's a risk of it being insensitive, so I'm just going to apologize in advance for all my questions.

Speaker 1 To be fair, I'm in a regular land. I think you're in a magical land.
Oh, I guess that's true. It's magical for me.
That's right. I've been telling you that for 10 years.

Speaker 1 We keep trying to clarify, but he insists. Yes.
I would say a man who doesn't avail himself of his liquids before going into a death fate. That's the magic to me.
Yeah, I guess. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Have any any of your dead husbands magically come back to life? Ooh.

Speaker 1 Oh, you know, sometimes you hear the chains rattling.

Speaker 1 You know, you hear the you go to sleep at night, the wind blows through the curtains, you hear a you hear a moan, yeah, you know, you think, oh, that might be what is this? Is it the wind outside?

Speaker 1 Is it a stray cat? Sounds something like, Yeah, I should never have drunk that cup of wine you gave me. But, um, who's to who's to really say? Who's to really say what are they?

Speaker 1 I think it's, you know, i think it's probably cats yes you i mean i i mean i sometimes you hear voices on the wind they could it could mean anything uh and it's not necessarily a ghost saying why did you get married before my funeral was even over

Speaker 1 yes it's i mean that sounds like exactly the kind of thing i think livestock outside the window could say things like you know why

Speaker 1 why did you

Speaker 1 not sign that pre-nuptial agreement before

Speaker 1 the nuptials

Speaker 1 now um lady how many if you had to ballpark it um how many of your dead husbands died from um glasses of wine

Speaker 1 oh okay as i mean as i said i don't keep keep track of how i am so in the moment so who knows how many husbands there are i mean hypothetically if they're people say people say four to five

Speaker 1 but people say four to five but you know they weren't there they weren't there so yeah and of those four to five how many of those glasses were given to them by you?

Speaker 1 I mean, if you're asking if I was a loving spouse who would hand give my

Speaker 1 spouses

Speaker 1 their cups of wine, I will not shirk from that. I'm not ashamed of that.
No, sir. I will hand them their glasses of wine, kiss them on the forehead, say, I love you, darling.

Speaker 1 And then, is it my fault that three out of four of them had a reaction to it, and John didn't have a reaction, he didn't have a reaction, and then, then oh whoopsie he just got in the path of that rampaging carriage oh dear uh is that my fault lady dowager you answer these questions so expertly as if you've been asked them many times before sometimes in a court of law oh well you know uh

Speaker 1 i have never i have never

Speaker 1 no no comment no comment um you don't have to cross-examine yourself which is refreshing uh yes well you know there's a lot of there's a lot of time alone when you're when you're in grief a lot of time to talk to yourself Go, how are you doing?

Speaker 1 How are you holding up?

Speaker 1 Where did you say you were again last night? Let's say that again to ourselves.

Speaker 1 You see, let's get our story straight, that kind of thing.

Speaker 1 You see, Arnie, the constables became tired of having to ask so many widows about what had happened that they started Foon's most eligible widow contest as a way to ask widows questions in a more fun and inviting way.

Speaker 1 So you come in,

Speaker 1 you tell them what your talent is, maybe you sing 16 bars of a song, and then you explain everything you did the night of your husband's murder. Yes.
Or death, death.

Speaker 1 And there's a science round, also.

Speaker 1 They did add a science round after the first year after a lot of complaints. Yes.
It's all about, you know, like you can't just be only asking women about their husbands.

Speaker 1 Yeah. It's a little

Speaker 1 gross.

Speaker 1 Now, lady, I'm looking at your dance card here, and it seems that you were married up until the day before the F Muse every year that you won it.

Speaker 1 I guess I just assumed when you said you'd won several times, it was all right in a row, but

Speaker 1 it was, but I had assumed that you were a widow that whole time. It seems like you were married right before.

Speaker 1 Oh, she's fainting.

Speaker 1 I'm sorry. It's just the memory.
The memory. It's such a...

Speaker 1 It's really one of the more dark periods of my...

Speaker 1 Yes, you see how the veil can be used to fan oneself back after a fainting south

Speaker 1 um yes uh

Speaker 1 uh it's just it it was it was the worst of luck every year year on year just short of completing a year of marriage yeah and tragedy tragedy strikes to become a widow right before the f news to become a widow right before i mean do you think i want of course i didn't want it of course i didn't

Speaker 1 i want what every woman wants to grow old with the spouse she married and slowly uh see them, you know, turn into someone you don't fully recognize and aren't really that attracted to anyway.

Speaker 1 And they're wasting, you know, their time on horseshoes for the horses. That's what they're spending their money on.
They've got like a horseshoe collection. Who does that?

Speaker 1 Who does a horseshoe collection? And you're like, oh, and you see the horseshoes and you're like, oh, oh, God, they're heavy. And I have good shoulders.

Speaker 1 I could just say, you know, what he is, what he's done around. I could just like, what is that?

Speaker 1 And, you know, so, I mean, who doesn't want that? I want to grow old with the spouse. Arnie, did you hear her romance isn't dead? And, you know, they're very issues.

Speaker 1 As the vows go here in Foon,

Speaker 1 I now pronounce you married for, you know, however long you want. Death, no obstacle.
So. Death, no obstacle.
Death, no obstacle. Yes, well, I'd forgotten that part of the wedding vows.

Speaker 1 And you know what that reminds me is that if death is no obstacle, then aren't you continuing to be married to these gentlemen long past their death dates? Oh, yeah. I mean, in

Speaker 1 in my heart, absolutely, absolutely, in my heart, I am a

Speaker 1 raving

Speaker 1 molygamist.

Speaker 1 But.

Speaker 1 I can see her getting the vapors again.

Speaker 1 Veil, veil, veil. Yes, yes, yes.
Quickly, some water for this

Speaker 1 widow with the vapors.

Speaker 1 Thank you for not lifting the veil. People are very intrigued by a widow's jawline.

Speaker 1 I mean, that does make me want to ask. And I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with.
I just want the information. Like,

Speaker 1 who gets to ever see your face?

Speaker 1 Do you have to marry you to get to see your face or just catch you during a rare period of time when you're not widowed? Well, I have not been not widowed for, yes, in a marriage phase,

Speaker 1 a spouse may see your face. And, you know, like, you know, like if you're just like, it's like a

Speaker 1 date, like a date. Like, if you're on a date, if you're like on a date, you can, you can, you know, you meet this person in the stable, new stable hand, looking good.

Speaker 1 They can see your face.

Speaker 1 So you like the stable boy that here at the kit here at the inn, here at the tavern? Rian. Rian.
Rian?

Speaker 1 Rian. Yes, yes.
Yes, that's the one. Yes, yes, yes.
He's a, oh, he's an energetic, energetic boy.

Speaker 1 Energetic. Yes.
And built like a brick shithouse. Oh, my God.
Yes. Let me tell you.

Speaker 1 Let me tell you. I climbed that one like a redwood.
Oh, wow. Like a redwood.
Yes.

Speaker 1 You must understand, the veil was off at the time, so it's kind of. It's kind of like when the veil's off.

Speaker 1 You can't work 24 hours a day, eight days a week. No, you can't.
I mean, and really, it's like what a widow does in her private. A widow's time is her own.
A widow's time is her own.

Speaker 1 What a widow does.

Speaker 1 What a widow.

Speaker 1 Who a widow does in her private time is

Speaker 1 her own private queendom. and uh you know it's like so it's it's it's very much like a hall pass bail off tits out we say

Speaker 1 did you say a whole pass a hall pass yes oh a hall pass no not a whole a whole pass

Speaker 1 of course i'm i was being crass i thought you said like you're in the hole of grief and you come a whole pass

Speaker 1 our pass to come out of the hole of grief yes

Speaker 1 we were all thinking yes uh but that's that's the only other the rest of time it is solemn contemplation sure of course grief lady now can i ask if you have a a husband die and it doesn't win you an award is it all is this is there a feeling of like oh shit that was a wasted one i mean i i just know that it seems like you've had more deaths than awards there have to have been a couple oh the the competition actually didn't start till uh i was on uh husband uh four to six so

Speaker 1 a recent evaluation it's when as was mentioned when you know the investigations of widows had to take a new

Speaker 1 format format and uh I mean can you can you imagine going to all the trouble of your husband accidentally dying and then not being eligible I mean can you imagine that would be

Speaker 1 enough to make you kill a what watch tragedy befall him all over again when is the next award I guess I don't know what time of year these awards happen oh excellent question it's always third harvest moon of the year third harvest moon of the year so that should be

Speaker 1 next Tuesday. Oh, yes.
And your husband just passed away very recently, correct?

Speaker 1 Yes,

Speaker 1 it was terrible. You probably heard about it.
We were going for

Speaker 1 a walk in the park, and then

Speaker 1 he sort of clutched his chest. He started coughing.
He couldn't.

Speaker 1 He didn't seem to...

Speaker 1 He didn't seem to quite realise that something was going on, but he grabbed my hand really hard and he was coughing. And then

Speaker 1 he coughed and a piece of food came out of his mouth and then and then he was fine and then he tripped backwards onto my knife oh dear how

Speaker 1 oh my goodness well

Speaker 1 you'd hardly blame yourself a

Speaker 1 lady should never leave the house without a knife

Speaker 1 that's just basic safety and i will lady i will say that is incredibly sad i mean incredibly sad i i don't want to you know diminish what you went through i will say this year um just kind of recently i heard about what happened to meryl weeps And Meryl Weeps, the way she lost her husband, it feels like she has the FMU in the bag this year.

Speaker 1 Not that it's a competition.

Speaker 1 I guess it is. Technically, yeah.
Yeah, I guess technically it is. Pretty much exactly.
Yeah, it just feels like maybe, I don't know if this is your year.

Speaker 1 It sounds like Meryl Weeps has this kind of wrapped up. I mean, you know, Meryl Weeps is, she's a dear friend.
She's a dear friend.

Speaker 1 We've been consoling each other in our griefs. You know,

Speaker 1 we've had some veils down time together.

Speaker 1 Nobody cries like Meryl Weeps. Nobody cries like Meryl Weeps.
And, you know, they do say that, like, she really can do it all. I know they say that about Meryl Weeps.

Speaker 1 Triple threat. But triple threat.
Stab, shove, and poison.

Speaker 1 Even with the veil, you're always like, how old is she, actually? Like, I can't, like, how old is she?

Speaker 1 But, you know, I mean, she Meryl is a dear friend, and she certainly goes for

Speaker 1 a flashy, you know, it was a flashy death.

Speaker 1 Are the judges going to to be taken by his, you know, slipped on a banana peel, fell backwards into a wood chipper?

Speaker 1 I don't know. I don't know.
But, you know, sometimes it's good to look beyond the flash

Speaker 1 to like, you know,

Speaker 1 the classic. Sometimes it's Meryl has had three to five husbands.
And, you know, sometimes I always say it really is quantity over quality. That's what they say.
I believe it.

Speaker 1 It's quantity over quality.

Speaker 1 Yeah. You know, I'd actually heard that there's a lot of competition this year.
I've also heard good things about Lady Glenn closed coffin.

Speaker 1 Yes, and she, her husband's late, late dogs, she turned them all into a big coat as a

Speaker 1 sign of her grief. And that was very, very well played, it was,

Speaker 1 by Glenn. But you know what? I think the

Speaker 1 board, the judging panel, you know,

Speaker 1 they often surprise you. You know, people always think it's going to go one way and then it goes to

Speaker 1 Bema Bone. It's gone to, you know, Bema Bone.

Speaker 1 And you so are

Speaker 1 not to tell tells out of school, but aren't you a judge this year for the FBS? Oh, yes, I'm quite honored to be serving upon the board, picking this year's most eligible widow.

Speaker 1 I think it's an important

Speaker 1 duty that I serve here in Foon. I'm just doing my part for king and country.

Speaker 1 You stop, please.

Speaker 1 I did not. Please have a seat here next to me.
Oh, yes.

Speaker 1 Please, please, please, please.

Speaker 1 Would you care for some veil?

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I mean,

Speaker 1 I don't know if that's appropriate under the circumstances, but all right. Oh, no, no.
She is falling all over here.

Speaker 1 A widow's veil is her own to give, as she will. So,

Speaker 1 yes, Eusto, might I say,

Speaker 1 you are looking like an extremely

Speaker 1 salient judge of grief today. Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Speaker 1 I've often believed that my demeanor as

Speaker 1 a powerful wizard, aged and decrepit, though as I seem in my human form, I am a perfect person to peer inside the human heart and say that one is the one who is truly sad about the loss of their husband.

Speaker 1 And when I look upon you, Lady Dowager, I know that your grief is most real and most profound.

Speaker 1 I can tell by the way you're tearing into that bucket of chicken wings. Yes, I'm just so, you know, it was

Speaker 1 Ralph's favourite dish. And I'm just so, oh my god, is there, is there actually sauce with this? Because it's a bit dry.
It's a bit dry. Is there a source?

Speaker 1 I saw something here for the grieving widow, please.

Speaker 1 You do, you do have, may I say, you, Straw, you have a decrepit sheen about you that reminds me of, you know, all one to twelve of my

Speaker 1 late darlings.

Speaker 1 So, you know, I think, I feel like we have a, we have, I feel like, I feel like, is there, I feel like, is there, is that, like, I feel like, is there something is there like is there I feel like is there is there I feel like is there something is there

Speaker 1 well I I

Speaker 1 as much as I would love to be uh your next dead husband uh I must inform you that uh I have sworn an oath to defeat evil and Foon therefore I shan't take a wife until I complete this quest

Speaker 1 an unmarriageable man

Speaker 1 the widow's bane

Speaker 1 well it looks like they brought um five increasing levels of spiciness sauces for these wings. So why don't we take a quick break? And when we come back, Arnie, why don't we ask some sad ones?

Speaker 1 Questions, I mean.

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Speaker 1 For Arnie, I got a through-the-window puzzle advent calendar. Advent, I assume, being short for adventure.
And for Usidor, ooh, I got a pinball machine DIY building kit.

Speaker 1 Basically, build your own pinball machine because Arnie said it would be super funny if he became a pinball wizard. I don't get it, but it seems very cool.
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Speaker 1 Uncommon goods. We're all out of the ordinary.

Speaker 1 Any chunt.

Speaker 1 I know I sort of skirted the issue of becoming the next

Speaker 1 Mr. Lady Dowager.
Because I'm 355. I think you should take her name.
That's just... I do agree.
Shut up. I'm using Dowager.

Speaker 1 I'm 355 years old, and I'm not immortal anymore.

Speaker 1 I don't want to die

Speaker 1 when I haven't defeated evil. So I just said some stuff about, you know,

Speaker 1 I have an oath not to get married. And yes, I asked Jen Levy to marry me about 17 times.
And of course, she always said no because she was busy that day.

Speaker 1 And I was like, we we don't have to do it today. We'd actually plan a thing.
She'd be like, I'm busy that day too. I was like, we didn't say a day.
We didn't pick a day. And she'd be like,

Speaker 1 whatever day it is, I'm busy.

Speaker 1 What was I talking about?

Speaker 1 Well, you're probably safe if you don't marry her. Although I do wonder, do the judges in this competition ever get murdered? Especially if they're ones that the...
All the time. Okay.
So yeah, yeah.

Speaker 1 All the time. It does.
A lot of them either get murdered or

Speaker 1 a lot of them get married and then they die mysteriously before the next Foon's most eligible widow. Sure.
Oh, look at look at Lady Dowager. She's across the bar with Alex the Appraiser.

Speaker 1 She's having your wand and your potions of praise. That is so sweet of her.
What's going on? Wow. Where'd she even get those? Lady Dowager, over here.
Hello, hello. Yes, excuse me.

Speaker 1 Yes, I'll be right back.

Speaker 1 Yes, yes. Call me.
Call me. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Hi. Hello.
Yes. Yusidor.
Yes.

Speaker 1 How do you take your wine?

Speaker 1 Oh, well, I drink only the thickest and stoutest of wines. A good,

Speaker 1 thick port. Ah, a Winnis, a Winnis.

Speaker 1 You like a glass of Winnis? Yes, of course. All right.
You know, you and I should get a glass of Winnis sometime. You.

Speaker 1 Me, the barkeep that I just met? That would be delightful.

Speaker 1 I find you to be quite charming and very urbane and well-spoken. And I'm sure you know about a lot of different topics.
We could spend a lot of time talking about my interest for interest.

Speaker 1 For instance, I've started collecting frogs lately.

Speaker 1 That

Speaker 1 is

Speaker 1 fascinating. Ah, you see, Audi and Trunch told me it wasn't fascinating, I was stupid for doing it.
Frogs, oh, what every woman in the prime of her lifelong frog. I well,

Speaker 1 I think that's such an interesting

Speaker 1 hobby.

Speaker 1 Just curious, just curious, no reason at all.

Speaker 1 I've heard poison frogs. Well, yes, some of them are very poisonous.
If you lick them or touch their skin, you have to be very careful around them.

Speaker 1 And do you keep them somewhere like in a crate or something with a key? Where's the key? Like, where are the keys? Yes, well, of course, I keep them in a crate with a key.

Speaker 1 And the key is, of course, safely in my lockbox that I keep next to my bed,

Speaker 1 which, you know, you can't get into unless you are spending the night over there. Whoa, careful, Yucidor.
Oh my gosh. Good.
You almost fell right into that knife while seated.

Speaker 1 That knife attached to this hand that kind of disappears behind your back towards

Speaker 1 the Lady Dowager. I'm so sorry.
It's my security knife. It just, it just.

Speaker 1 Understood. Understood.

Speaker 1 It's kind of like an emotional... security knife.
Sure.

Speaker 1 I travel with it all the time because

Speaker 1 sometimes it's just a little overwhelming and and you've got to have your security knife. Yeah, Arnie and Foon,

Speaker 1 if you are traveling anywhere by carriage or by magic, could be a portal, you're allowed to take weapons with you if they kind of mean a lot to you. Sure.
Do people ever lie?

Speaker 1 People ever just want to take the knife and they're like, I need this security knife. I don't think people would do that.
I mean, I guess technically they could, but

Speaker 1 I don't think anybody in Foon would do that. Okay.
Plus that the weapon needs to wear a special little vest.

Speaker 1 And if you don't, I mean, if you don't take it with you, it goes in a set, you know, separate compartments. It's kind of cold down there.

Speaker 1 You don't know how the knife is doing, and then you're like, Why did I even, why did I even get a knife? Why did I even get a knife? Like, you know, I was just bored that weekend.

Speaker 1 Um, but I am so, so sorry that any harm may have befallen your person. I would not want that to happen before we say the vows.

Speaker 1 I would go for

Speaker 1 a drink. Before we go for a drink.

Speaker 1 you said a winnis winnis yes yes um

Speaker 1 lady dowager i'm sorry i don't mean to interrupt this love connection that's happening here but

Speaker 1 is there any kind of prize for or is it just the title is it just the pride of the title or do you win things uh well you it's it's mostly for the prize for the respect really as uh as i said i'm not in it for the winning i'm in it for the love of celebrating that I've had so many loves.

Speaker 1 So

Speaker 1 it's really for the title. And, you know, they give you some flowers, which is symbolic of your grief and of your win.

Speaker 1 And that's kind of, and like, you know,

Speaker 1 a house. That's it.
That's it.

Speaker 1 No, a house. What?

Speaker 1 You also get a house. You get flowers and then also.

Speaker 1 You get a house, but it's, you know, to be in your, in a state, to be in your grief. But like, that's not

Speaker 1 who cares about the house? Who cares about a house? All to yourself where you don't have to see the horseshoes or frogs or like whatever, you know, and you can just.

Speaker 1 But you'd like to see frogs, though, because those are those are fun and interesting, right? Oh, I would love to see frogs so much.

Speaker 1 I can go upstairs and get some. I'll be right back.
Oh, God. Jesus.
Whoa, Arnie. You can see her swallowing vomit.
That's real love.

Speaker 1 No, no, it's just the ripples in the veil. It's just the ripples in the veil.

Speaker 1 Oh, God. How many judges are there for the competition? Because maybe...
Look, I'm just going to be honest with you. You don't want to spend too much time on Usidor.

Speaker 1 He's real into those frauds. Well, just between...

Speaker 1 There's 10 judges. Oh.
And

Speaker 1 Usidor is the 10th one that I have.

Speaker 1 That I've...

Speaker 1 I don't know how to say track down.

Speaker 1 Who wants to say that?

Speaker 1 Just ran into. You just happened to run into.
Oh, that I've happened to

Speaker 1 run into. And,

Speaker 1 you know, it's, yes, it's a

Speaker 1 10-panel of judges for the widow contest. We call them the widowmasters.

Speaker 1 Or the black widows. You know, they're like, you know, they're not.
They're kind of a team, but they're sort of all the hot one on the team, the black widows.

Speaker 1 So nine so far? Have you given each of them like a widow's peek?

Speaker 1 All of them a widow's peek.

Speaker 1 All of them.

Speaker 1 We just had a good conversation, really. I'm just saying good conversation.
Have we had a good conversation? A widow's Peak? Like, you know, we weren't.

Speaker 1 Now, a lot of these are just common green frogs, but it's really interesting because their eyes are set apart at different distances. Let me show you some of my favorite ones.

Speaker 1 This one's pretty interesting because his eyes are very close together. Yes, it's so charming how you kind of look like all of them.
That's really that's

Speaker 1 it's yeah, yes, they do say people look like they're pets and you do. Oh, wow.
I've never noticed it before. You Sidor looks like a pile of frogs.
You kind of look like a pile of frogs. Yes.
Yes.

Speaker 1 Not a single one. Yeah.

Speaker 1 Good God, no.

Speaker 1 A whole pile. And oh, look, this one.
This one. This one seems to be seeping something from.
Oh, oh, yes,

Speaker 1 this is my favorite one. I call him Mozy.

Speaker 1 And I keep telling you,

Speaker 1 I swear to the goddess.

Speaker 1 I'm not going to fucking kill him. I'm not going to fucking kill him.
Sorry. What? Oh, what are you saying?

Speaker 1 What? You're not going to kill him? I'm not- I'm not gonna- Is that a spell? I'm not gonna kill him. I'm not gonna curl them.
Uh, I'm um

Speaker 1 not

Speaker 1 gonna

Speaker 1 curl them. My hair, I'm not gonna curl

Speaker 1 my widow bands today

Speaker 1 under the veil. I'm not gonna curl them.
I don't think the oozing one is a prince.

Speaker 1 I think, and I don't think the one wearing a crown making a kissy face is a prince either, because he wants it too bad.

Speaker 1 I think the one that looks sad and kind of sits in the corner of his jaw, kind of moping, I think that one's the prince because he's like,

Speaker 1 he's like, I don't want to be a frog. I'm supposed to be a prince.
You know? Yeah.

Speaker 1 Can we just get more chicken? Can we get more chicken here? More chicken. The widow's having vapors again.
You know what tastes like chicken?

Speaker 1 Should I get

Speaker 1 frog legs? What? I keep telling you, frog is delicious.

Speaker 1 But my collection. Let's cook two of them.
Come on. Well, I have a lot of common green ones, I suppose.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. This one's got something in his mouth.

Speaker 1 Just ate something on the table. Let go! A judigigi tracking amulet.
What's a ju-digigig-gi?

Speaker 1 J-U-D-G-E.

Speaker 1 Judigy. J-U-D-G-E.
Oh, oh,

Speaker 1 that's, oh, that's not, that's not, that's not, that's just, um, you know, it's a, it's a trinket.

Speaker 1 It's a trinket that I, um, you know, I stopped by the market and I, and I thought it would look, you know, offset the mail. That's a very nice amulet.

Speaker 1 If this is yours, I'll go ahead and hand that back to you. Yes, it's just, it's funathing.
So you can track Judegiges. Juda Gigis.
Juda Gigis,

Speaker 1 which are

Speaker 1 a type of

Speaker 1 bird.

Speaker 1 Oh,

Speaker 1 I love birds. I love birds.
I'm not familiar with Judekajis. I'd love to meet one.
I mean, there are so many birds. Yeah, it's, you know,

Speaker 1 it's got wings. It's got wings.
It's one of those. It's got wings.
Oh, those are my favourite. Damn, you like keeps pointing at Usidor.

Speaker 1 Well, that's very flattering.

Speaker 1 Can you tell your amulet that I'm very flattered, but not interested in it?

Speaker 1 You're not interested in

Speaker 1 my amulet?

Speaker 1 It's very flattered that it's pointing right at me, but I'm just not interested at this time in the amulet.

Speaker 1 While I usually

Speaker 1 have a magical item,

Speaker 1 I just don't need to find a judicaji right now. It's not important to me.

Speaker 1 Yes, well, you know, was just bird watching because, you know, it was one of Damien's favourite pastimes. That's why, that's why, and I, and I do,

Speaker 1 I do miss him so much.

Speaker 1 Oh my gosh, we have to assume she's crying under the

Speaker 1 could have sworn her husband had a different name before, but

Speaker 1 no, no, it was definitely definitely,

Speaker 1 definitely, was that what I said? I think that's a good idea.

Speaker 1 Yes, Damien, it was Damien, um, and you know, he, I bird watch, I watched the Ajudica Geese in his honor because I just miss him so much because the grief is still

Speaker 1 so raw.

Speaker 1 I'm so sorry. I was so far out of line.

Speaker 1 Please accept my apology and know for a fact that because of your wonderful demeanor and your kindness,

Speaker 1 I can't imagine that in my mind you are not the forerunner for this year's most eligible widow.

Speaker 1 Fucking thank God. All right.

Speaker 1 Wow, your whole demeanor just changed. You're just like, really relaxed.
She's actively packing all her stuff up right now. You know what?

Speaker 1 It's just that the grief, when the grief comes and goes, and then it's really

Speaker 1 taking me

Speaker 1 right now. Kick a frog? How do you kick the frog? Oh, Jedi, poor little thing.

Speaker 1 Oh, they're jumping at her foot, baby. Security knife.
No, no, no. Fly frogs.
Wow.

Speaker 1 How did she manage to stab seven frogs at once? Or six to seven, really?

Speaker 1 You know,

Speaker 1 it's just a reflex action because Bob was a nice, you know, expert swordsman. Bob is an expert swordsman.
Bob.

Speaker 1 Yes, Bob, my late husband's Bob.

Speaker 1 I swear to the goddesses, you said a different name before.

Speaker 1 I'm a thousand percent sure it was and has always been

Speaker 1 Bob.

Speaker 1 We should trust that. We should trust the widow.
A grieving widow.

Speaker 1 Grief drives me mad sometimes when I mix up the names of my most recent husband, who, you know, I loved Timothy. Loved him.

Speaker 1 Loved him. Loved him, loved him, loved him.
Like, you know, apparently a frog loves to puke up.

Speaker 1 And

Speaker 1 before I go,

Speaker 1 do any of you happen to have the contact information of

Speaker 1 that studly young bartender at the bar.

Speaker 1 Oh, yes, of course.

Speaker 1 All you have to do is, well, you could just walk up to him at the bar, but I know that he lives just one house over on the top floor. Okay,

Speaker 1 I've been looking for a new grief counselor. So

Speaker 1 he really has

Speaker 1 the deltoids for it.

Speaker 1 Is that an important part of grief counseling? Yes, yes, because you see, they say that grief lives in the body.

Speaker 1 It's not just a mental thing, it's in the body. So the best way to get it out is to find another body.

Speaker 1 Then

Speaker 1 you just

Speaker 1 go at it and you knock all the grief out. Yes.

Speaker 1 And it doesn't have to be one body.

Speaker 1 I'm talking

Speaker 1 one sims, two sims. Sure.
Threesoms. Bang, bang, all grief right out.

Speaker 1 I can go on, shall I? Group count. Yeah.
Five sims,

Speaker 1 six sums. Oh, she shall.
Seven sums. So if we hear any moaning or groaning tonight from the house next door, second story, we should just assume that

Speaker 1 the grief counts. The sounds of grief.
A devil, seven sum. Of course.

Speaker 1 That's when

Speaker 1 there's seven of you, but one person is trying to summon the devil, and you have to rip yourself apart from whatever delightful thing you're doing and stop them before it happens.

Speaker 1 But sometimes it's like it's kind of more fun because you know they are, you know that the metaphysical rift could open

Speaker 1 at any moment. So, in in short,

Speaker 1 grief.

Speaker 1 Understood. Understood.

Speaker 1 We shall leave you to your grief.

Speaker 1 And I look forward to the day,

Speaker 1 even though you've secured my vote, that we shall sit and drink wine together. Yeah, whatever.
What's your name again?

Speaker 1 Musidor. Okay, right.
Bye. Wait, what?

Speaker 1 Yeah.

Speaker 1 That's a winner. That's a winner there.

Speaker 1 So, so charming, yet I can't help but feeling I somehow got tricked there or fooled, but uh I suppose that's only me being uh

Speaker 1 suspicious and uh and old-fashioned in my ways. I

Speaker 1 must have a more open mind. That is my goal.
For even though I am a great wizard, I am steeped in what where I come from, and sometimes our culture is not as forgiving as it should be.

Speaker 1 Yeah, well, there's a little drink here. It looks like she left for you

Speaker 1 Poisson.

Speaker 1 I'm more into frogs than fish right now. I'll just save that for later.
Okay.

Speaker 1 My main takeaway from all that is when she mentioned one of her late husbands being called Timothy. I thought, now there's a name of unspeakable sexuality and power.

Speaker 1 User of the Wizard was played by Matt Young. Chunk the Talking Badger was played by Adol Rafai.
Lady Dowager was played by special guest Pratima Mani.

Speaker 1 Pratima writes for The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. And you can catch her doing stand-up around New York City.

Speaker 1 Hello from the Magic Tavern is an independent production, made possible by supporters of the Magic Tavern Patreon.

Speaker 1 Patrons get ad-free episodes, all the spin-offs, and at least two new bonus episodes each month. To learn more about supporting the show, visit patreon.com slash magictavern.

Speaker 1 Hello from the Magic Tavern is produced by Arne Camp, Matt Young, and Adol Raffai. Post-production coordination by Garrett Schultz.
Associate producer Anna Hoverman.

Speaker 1 This episode edited by Anna Hoverman. Hello from the Magic Tavern logo by Adela LeBan.
Magic Tavern theme by Andy Poland.

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