#366: Guess The Price of Water

This is a head gum podcast.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

And of course, the name crying.

First it

I have a friend and his name's Adel.

I have a friend and his name's Adel.

I have a friend and his name's Adel.

I have a friend and how about you?

Yeah, I have a friend named Adel too.

Oh.

I am Adel.

Oh, my God.

I'm

a Adel.

Do you have a friend?

Ooh, do you have a friend named Adel?

No.

Aaron, do you have a friend named Aaron?

Yes.

No.

Oh, well, yes, I do have a friend named Aaron.

Wow.

Aaron Udick somewhere.

I know some Aarons, you know, that might not love hearing that.

Um, when I was doing a fun little clapping, John, you have a friend named John?

Yes.

Name thing.

Isn't it interesting?

Don't get on me about yes anding when you sank my bit to the bottom of the ocean on a yes and anchor.

You asked me if I had a friend named Adel.

I didn't.

I asked Adel if you had a friend in Adela Aaron.

I wouldn't even say sank.

I'd say like submersible exploded.

Yeah.

Let's try a different.

I'm going to try a different opening to see if it's.

it Aaron's comedy body was blown to dust in milliseconds.

Is that what happened to them?

Casey, do you have any friends in Casey?

Yeah.

Well, okay, cool.

Aaron.

Aaron and wow, you know multiple Caseys?

That's pretty crazy.

All right, here's my new opening.

Okay.

Because there's a new Yankee candle smell.

It's called Riddle.

Do you want to smell it?

No, there's not.

Can I give you some advice on improv, Aaron?

Can I give you some advice on improv?

You?

Adel, sure.

Don't ask.

No, thank you.

This is like, this is also like for children, it applies as well.

Don't ask, do you want to do something?

You know, like, because that gives someone an opportunity to say no.

Yeah.

What about Frozen?

What about that song in Frozen?

That's, don't you want to build a snowman?

It's rhetoric.

No, it's not.

All right.

Here's my new opening.

Okay, new opening.

Okay.

Hey, Adol, I just killed JPC.

Do you want to help me bury the body?

But it's a question.

Again, it's a question.

Oh, I think I'm misunderstanding.

Hey, Adel, I can't stand JPC anymore do you want to help me beat him up am i getting closer it's not but it's the same problem but it's the context that is different all right let me okay i got you know what here's what you do instead of saying open into do you want to do this yes or no give him two different options so do you want to do this or this okay then you can't say no to it okay adult do you want to shoot jpc into the hot hot sun or have him explode at the bottom of the ocean see oh don't say see well see and the ocean are they're the same right well i'm giving air to note uh you would say see because adults, people are from the desert.

GPC, you start an opening.

You go.

You start.

Okay.

You got it.

This toy store's selling sex toys.

See, can I give you some improv advice?

Please.

That was Santa, by the way.

He was upset.

That wasn't C.

That wasn't clear.

Ocean, that wasn't clear.

It sounds like he's besmirching a toy store to try and ruin.

Can I give you some improv advice?

I'm not a good improv teacher.

Can I give you some advice?

Advice, Advice?

Yes.

Okay.

And Aaron, you would say, do you want me to give you improv advice or do you want me to slap you in the face?

Don't give me an option to say yes or no.

I'm going to give you some improv advice.

That's exactly correct.

Nice.

When you start a scene,

don't do an object-based initiation.

Oceanine.

Have whatever you are talking about.

Aaron, Oceanine.

Within the other person.

Oceanine.

Like, whoa, you look like shit today is a better example.

Whoa, you look like shit today.

That's a great way to start a scene.

That's actually a great way to start a scene, Aaron.

That's actually a great way to start a scene.

I think I've told this before, but I was once told the worst scene initiation is fuck you, where are we?

I know, and I love that.

I could make that work.

Okay, Aaron, whenever you're ready.

Oh, I say fuck you, where are we?

Or you say it?

Did you want to try and make it work?

Yeah, but do you want, I can make it work.

Oh, I see.

Yes, yes, yes.

Okay.

Hey, Aaron, would you like to fuck you?

Where are you?

Where are we?

Can we start again?

I mean, the whole day.

You have to start over.

Nothing wrong.

I want to go home.

This the whole day.

I don't have done nothing wrong.

That can't be right.

This is Harry Riddle of Riddle.

Now, here's the thing.

No.

It's a podcast about riddles, but it's also about improvidence.

And today's episode is kind of a behind-the-scenes sneak peek at what it's like to improvise and kind of the way, the nuts and bolts of how we get it done.

None of this is true.

Aaron.

I'm about to sweater this episode.

Aaron, you have been in Chicago now for a week.

Sure.

About a week.

Do you miss it?

Well, I've spent the whole time here in this hot, hot room dealing with your bullshit.

So no.

How we've we've recorded twice since we've been here.

The first day was one of the hottest days in Chicago this year.

Then we took two days where we didn't record.

The weather immediately dropped down.

It was like nice.

It was livable.

It was great outside.

And now we're back recording again and it's as hot as hot could be.

God

hates our podcast.

Yeah.

I have a friend and her name's Aaron.

I have a friend and her name's Aaron.

I have a friend and her name's Aaron.

Hey, how about you?

I have a friend.

Is it a camp?

Does that sound not fun at all?

Is it a camp?

Doesn't that feel bad?

Is it a camp song?

What is it?

That must be something.

I have a friend.

I've never heard this.

I have a friend in.

This isn't an improv warmup, is it?

I have a Brandon.

How about you?

That probably is.

It probably is.

It sounds like something that is.

Aaron, how much do you miss Chicago?

Well, I miss it so much.

I would say 10 out of 10 miss it.

It's also, it's been hard because I've been back and I haven't really gotten to have any downtime.

My days have been like packed morning till night and it's making me miss Chicago even more.

And I'm like, oh my gosh, I should should have said no to more things.

So I could have actually gone and sat at some of my favorite places.

But it's so beautiful.

This is by far the best city in the U.S.

It has everything.

Yeah.

It's so beautiful.

Everyone is so happy during the summer.

It's

just the best.

Now, the industry era, as we all know, in LA, it's kind of drying up.

You know, they're not making TV.

They're not making movies anymore.

We got to get you back.

We got to get you back in Chicago.

What's it going to take?

Put a number

on the table.

Think about how much fun you're having recording in person.

Across the table with adults, a drawing of my butt.

That could be anyone's butt.

It could be anyone's butt.

No, this is Aaron's butt.

I'd know that butt anyway.

I think, I think, Aaron, I think people would love to see you back here in Chicago.

Well, a couple of things I've been thinking about.

Sure.

I think about moving and buying a little place in Maine a lot and getting some like chickens and hanging out there.

Yeah.

And then spending part of the year somewhere else, either Chicago, L.A.

or New York, like doing like three months in a place where I can go do improv and be around people.

So next, I already decided that next summer I'm going to come back for two and a half months.

Whoa.

To Chicago.

Wow.

Wow.

Because I,

I, yeah, I just, I think this would be a great place to be out of for that time.

And it also depends if I want to have kids.

Right now I'm leaning no.

Yeah, me too.

For you.

But if I have kids, I don't know if I'd want to raise them in L.A.

Yeah, because it's like your kids are going to be drinking like frappiato, frappuciato.

Yeah, taking them on auditions.

They book roles over you.

Yeah, I don't want them to become my competition.

I'm doing personal shopping at Erewhon, and it's $450,000 a month.

Summertime in Chicago, that's the time that you, that's really the time that you, I would say, as a person who lives here year-round, summertime in Chicago is the second most miserable time to be in Chicago.

Oh, I, that is, I feel like famously the wrong opinion.

Chicago summer is like, like, internationally known as one of the best places to be during the summer.

Really, when it's like 98 degrees?

It's not always like that.

No, but more and more it is.

Oh, global warming.

Yeah, yeah.

The last few years, there have been some, and like two years ago, we had the Canadian Wildfire smoke, which it was like unlivable to be outside of Chicago.

Do you remember that?

The Canadian Wildfire smoke?

You should remember it because the skies were literally gray in the summertime for maybe three weeks.

Casey, you remember these?

I'm not crazy.

The wildest thing about the Canadian

wildfires is we had a little bit of it earlier this summer, and I was walking around in my neighborhood being like, yeah, I couldn't go outside yesterday because of the Canadian wildfire smoke.

And people in my neighborhood were like, what are you talking about?

And I was like, did you not have that thing on your phone that said it was unlivable to be outside and you shouldn't be outside?

Oh, there's like an Amber alert about it?

Well, no, it was you had to like check an app.

Where please

find the fire for us.

You had to check the weather and see that air quality was like unsafe for any group.

And then my neighbors were like, I spent all day outside doing like lawn work yesterday.

And I'm like, oh, yeah, you shouldn't have done that.

Very bad.

Because that's like really, truly really bad.

It's so funny that you think Chicago summers are miserable.

To me, when I walk around, they feel like, you know, children's book where they like show, children's books where they show cities and it's like the idyllic city and everything looks great.

Like you're walking down the street and you see like firefighters playing cards, waiting for a fire.

Yeah.

And you see people like drinking on patios and like kids playing baseball in the park.

Like it feels like so

picturesque and cinematic.

If you're close-ish to the lake, the 95 degree days are not as bad because you get a little bit of that lake effect breeze.

But if you are not close to the lake, the 95 degree days.

You live far west up on that hill

where there's thunder and lightning.

It's kids are spooked out by you.

Yeah, it's truly, it's truly like unlivable times.

Now, I said second worst time to be in Chicago because the first worst time to be in Chicago is seven months out of the year.

Well, no, that's not season.

That's probably between like

December, or I guess it's not seven months, it's like December to May.

Why are you trying to convince me to move back when you hate most of the year here?

It's just really convenient for recorders.

I would say fall Chicago number one, spring Chicago number two, winter Chicago number three, summer four.

I think

Chicago doesn't want to be sick.

My favorite part about recording in person, Aaron, is because I will not get a text message from you saying that your internet is out.

And if I do, I'll be like, that's not a problem.

Just walk right over here and sit down and record.

Why don't you move to LA?

Your home area.

We could record at Headgum Studios.

I guess so.

Yeah, I don't know.

I think that that's

Headgum Studios, by the way, they're full.

They've got enough podcasts recording there.

We could boot Jake Johnson out.

Yeah, but I guess it would be easier for Adel and I to like sell our houses and for me to move my family.

Do it.

I think that, well, yeah, I guess it would be easier.

And you did say just, I don't know, 10 minutes ago that you wouldn't want to raise kids in LA, right?

Well, then maybe I don't have kids in L.A.

I'd have to bring my kid.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

I'm more speaking for me.

Your kid is going to thrive anywhere.

I'm going to have a very sensitive,

like your kid is like a plant that could grow.

A plant?

Yeah, your kid is a plant.

And we've never met.

Yeah.

They say something like,

no, or whatever.

They say

my card is the three of hearts.

Yeah, I honestly, I think my kid would be pretty happy wherever because I'm pretty sure everywhere has Moana.

So nowadays it's all Moana, Moana, Moana.

And I'm like, yeah.

Aaron, would you want to?

You don't want to maybe raise kids in LA.

Would you want to raise JBC's kid in LA?

Be like an au pair.

Oh, you were an au pair once.

I was.

Yeah.

I would say I would not hire Erin to watch my child if she was the only option left on this.

You know, what's so funny is I

probably am going going to end up being the future stepmother to your child.

Beverly Shubidoo has a 10-year plan.

Stepmother, I think, is different because stepmothers can be wicked.

And so

I do think that that kind of thing.

That is one of the only things I was actually good at on the planet.

Yesterday, the last time we recorded, you did tell a story about how you stopped, you told them that you couldn't nanny for a day because you had to drive two hours to a Chicago fire audition.

That was the only time I ever.

If my nanny said that to me, she would be Chicago fired.

The only, they were, that was a family I had been working for for three years.

Chicago fired.

I didn't like that.

Well, because Nana gets fired.

I get feedback online that I give it up too easily on the show.

They're like, she's just a girl who laughs at anything.

And now I'm going to have higher standards.

Oh, wow.

No, no, you're fine.

You're correct.

That family that I'd been working for was, oh, thank you.

Had been working for for like two and a half years.

And they were so patient and nice and were like so enthusiastic about me going to that audition and were like, How to go?

It was like that feeling.

And I was like, So mad.

But the only other time I, one time I had the flu and I couldn't go into that job.

And the only other time that I had to go home early or anything is when their perfect sweet daughter, I don't know if you guys remember this, put a, we were playing makeup and she was like, close your eyes.

And then she was going to with a paintbrush.

And she popped her eardrum.

She popped my eardrum.

Oh my God.

So I had to go home.

And I feel like that's a pretty good track record if that's the only two who

is having the flu one day that I got from their kids.

Kids will shove things in their ears to a way where I'm like, do you not know?

Kids shove things in.

Do you not know?

They don't.

They don't know because they're children.

They're small.

They're truly small.

Something I want to bring up just very quickly is, Aaron, I think.

It would behoove your interest in moving back here.

It would stimulate your interest in moving back to Chicago.

Oh, is JPC moving out of the city?

If JPC possibly was out of the city, but I'm close.

If Chicago had a better nickname, I feel like we are second city.

The beany city, the bean.

We need the beany city.

The big cookie.

We need something.

We need something more exhilarating.

Can you

workshop some ideas or JPC workshop some ideas for a nickname for Chicago that makes it more appealing for Aaron to move back?

I love it.

Oh, uh, the wet beef for Keefe.

Ooh, the wet beef keef.

My name is.

Yeah.

I was going to say the wet keef, but.

Hot dogs.

The big bear.

Can we like dog town?

Bear town.

Could we call it dog town?

Is there anything else that is.

I think bear town works because the bears are here in Chicago Bears and the Cubs.

Yeah.

So Bear Town would be cool.

Yeah.

Fire City.

Fire City is cool because we were absolutely decimated by a fire.

Yeah.

We're okay now.

All the firemen are playing cards.

Does Firefest kind of has Firefest kind of ruined Fire?

Well, it depends on how we spell it.

Remember that guy gave a blowjob for all that water?

What?

Do you remember the Firefest documentaries?

Does that, anyone else remember any details from that other than that?

Did you say a guy gave a blowjob for all that water?

Yeah, he like in exchange for water, he gave a guy a blowjob.

Huh?

The guy running the festival, don't keep fake laughing.

How good was this water?

Well, they needed water.

Because, you know, it was like a disaster.

It was a music that disaster.

It was a disaster, yeah.

And one of the guys organizing it admitted he was like laughing about it.

He was like, yeah, I gave this guy a blowjob so he would give us more water.

How much did he offer hand job first or he went straight to

at all?

So he got hydrated twice.

Casey, get on the mic if you want to be on the mic.

But he got hydrated twice.

But wait, but wait.

Was it for a bottle of water or was this like a kissed off today?

Was this a guy making a shipment of water?

It was a shipment of water.

For one blowjob?

For a shipment of water?

Let me look up the details.

I mean,

the conversion rate on that is pardon the pun out of whack.

Okay, what do you think?

How much do you think a blowjob is worth for me?

Yeah, like full currency.

No, but like currency, like how much I couldn't get, I couldn't get a half, a half-empty bottle of Dasania for one of my blowjobs.

There's no, there's no way, there's no way

you talk the whole time.

Because here's the thing: I've never given a blowjob in my life, so I'm not going to be good at it right out the gate.

Now, I've watched a lot of game tape, you know, so if

we're

if we're talking about like how much

I heard it, I heard it while I was reading about this.

But yeah, I don't know.

I don't think my blowjob is going to be worth anything.

Could we put it up for auction?

I'd love it if we didn't.

I'd love it if we didn't.

This man gave.

Do you want to guess the amount of water, like the price it would have been without it?

Okay, okay.

So how much his blowjob was actually?

He's still buying the water, he's just getting a discount.

No, no, no, no, he's this is this is how much money his blowjob was worth, ultimately, dude.

I don't know because I'm not in this world, yeah.

I'm gonna say five grand, and to me, that's crazy.

I'm gonna say

$600.

This man almost gave a $175,000 blowjob to save Fire Festival.

Whoa,

that's here's the thing: No, he didn't.

Because the guy was going to give him the water anyway.

If someone tells me that they get a hundred seventy-five thousand dollar blowjob, I go, no, you got the deal you were going to get.

And you also gave somebody a blowjob.

That's, that's what I think.

I feel like the, this is a weird situation.

I feel like the guy who took the, took the BJ for water is a villain.

Yeah.

Like a massive villain and should be publicly shamed.

I completely agree.

Okay, Aaron.

So I think where we've landed is that for $175,000 and the best blowjob you've ever had in your life, you're willing to move back to Chicago?

Sure.

Well, I already got you on the hook for two to three months next year.

Is that what it sounds like?

So now at this point, we're just negotiating for nine months.

Like that's like 75% off the blowjob.

$175,000.

Do the math.

So like, I mean, I'll, okay, here's what I'll do.

$130,000,

the best blowjob you've ever had in your life.

Okay.

And you move back to Chicago permanently.

Make it a million dollars.

Let's just do some riddles.

Let's just do some riddles.

Why wouldn't we just do some riddles?

These are riddles from Milty.

Milty submitted these riddles so, so long ago.

I got just trying to 2018?

Probably.

Probably 2018 or 2019.

We've done, I think we've done, there were eight riddles.

I think we did five of them on the show already, or six of them on the show already.

So we have two more left.

Here we go.

You do this every time you climb.

I'm present to judge for every crime.

I'll tell you what size to expect.

I'm also armor, I protect.

Hmm.

You do this every time you climb?

You do this every time you climb.

Erin, what do you do every time you climb?

I don't really climb.

That's not true.

I mean, you're like a social climber.

Social climber.

Yeah.

Find your footing.

Into climbing gym.

What do you...

Do you tie yourself into something?

Like a little harness.

Have you guys ever climbed before?

Like done like free climbing or done what's that i guess what's that called non-free climbing i've gone to a climbing gym before but i i don't think i would ever actually want to climb on that's a workout was that was that very strenuous for you it was it was actually

i liked it way more than i thought i would it felt a little because it doesn't really feel like a strength workout if you're not doing like the hard ones yeah it feels like like almost like a full body like stretch yeah yeah yeah that sounds fun i would love to do that i don't think i i'm not like a gym person but i would love to do like the fake rock climbing thing that sounds fun yeah i think it would be fun we should do that as a review crew one day yeah when i'm out of when i'm off the bench

i've done a lot of hiking um but the only climbing i've done is in the wumple frump room oh yeah a lot of climbing up and down and

we all get a nosebleed

wumple frump i've done some some hiking that involves a little bit of free climbing but it's not like intense scaling not like mountain climbing it's just more just like hey this this is like uh you know eight feet up and you have to climb this like kind of like wall thing to get up it but not not

and nothing that involves gear right we're just like I'll just scramble up these rocks you know in a as safe as I can possibly do Mount Everest is littered with the failed oxygen tanks uh-huh yeah I went on dead bodies a first date in Chicago where we went to a climbing gym and how do you guys feel about like some sort of exercise thing as a first date that sounds embarrassing and exhausting like that's you're

That just feels like you're setting everyone up for failure.

I think if you're going on a first date and both people are like, I'm athletic and I like hiking or I'm like, I'm into this as a thing, perfect.

That's great because it's a thing that we both enjoy.

But if it's some, especially if it's someone who's like, I like doing this, let's just take a person that I've have no,

I don't know if they have any interest in it on a climbing gym thing.

That sounds awful to me.

Yeah.

Was that what it was?

No, yeah.

I mean, like,

I was in the mindset of like, dating comedy boys is not fun and isn't working.

Yeah.

So I will go for a completely different vibe.

But once I got there, I was like, I'm having a nice time, but we're not really connecting or looking.

Like, it, it's hard to actually be doing like the date stuff, which is like asking questions and talking to each other.

While you're climbing, yeah.

We got like a drink after, and then I was like, well, now we're on a date.

And then I, now I'm like just tired.

And you're in athleisure.

Yeah.

It's like going to a movie for like a first date where it's like, a movie is like a fine date if it's like, if you're in a relationship, you know,

but first date, it's awful.

I was talking to a friend recently who had gone on like a late morning, early afternoon date on a Saturday.

And I was like, that is so much better than giving up a weekend night for someone that you don't know, for like a stranger, to just be like, oh, we're going to go like get a coffee or like sit in the park.

And like, that just seems so, I'm like, why isn't that more of a thing?

Yeah.

I saw two people a couple months ago on what I assume was a first date because that's the way it felt.

They were asking first date type questions.

And it was when me and my family were going to breakfast, which was Saturday morning at like 6.30 in the morning.

Whoa.

And it was truly one of the most, it was, the restaurant was empty.

It was one of the most insane things that I've ever seen in my life.

Maybe they're two people who work like service ignite.

I had to invent a lot of things to make it make sense for me because if it was just like, if it was just like, hey, you know, when are you free?

I'm never free.

They might be soulmates.

What about Saturday at 6.30 in the morning?

Yeah, that's wild.

Aaron, on your rock climbing date.

Did he get competitive?

Was the guy like trying to quote unquote beat your progress?

No, but it did.

When I got there, I was like, oh, you're good at this thing.

And then like, I think you think I'm going to be attracted to like competence in this.

But I also appreciate like he felt very shy.

So I was like, I feel like this is him trying to put himself in a place where he doesn't feel as shy.

Yeah.

So I was trying to be.

You're in his world now.

Did he say that?

Yeah.

Did he say, you're in my world?

And now he's my husband.

If you're trying to invite someone on a date, hypothetically, hypothetical date, where you're showing off a thing that you're like so good at or you think that you're so good at, what's the date that you're inviting them on?

Staying up until 4 a.m.

Slashing your tiredness

to 4 a.m.

Eric, I see you're pretty dog shut at that because you've never done it.

I fixed them back, idiot, right away.

I feel so guilty I fixed them.

I do want to see a scene.

Um, the two of you are on a first date, and um,

were Aaron were at a place um that you chose based on uh where you think you shine most

when you were like um

first dated a strip club, I was like, oh, is this like a joke?

Because I truly like, hey, this is fun.

It's awesome.

I'm having a great time.

I just don't ever come to places like this.

Yeah.

I just, yeah, it's stupid.

We can go.

We can go.

Oh, no, we don't have to go.

It seems like everybody here like kind of knows you.

I didn't know you were.

Coming up next to the stage, Bodzilla.

That's not me.

I just really like watching strippers.

Oh, yeah.

I don't work here.

I'm just here like every day, and I'm really good at watching strippers.

I didn't think that you worked here.

I thought maybe you had like an ownership stake or something because people

are on the stage.

Sure.

Woo!

Yeah.

Punches fake buildings.

Yeah.

Take it down.

Ruin that city, baby.

Interesting.

Ruin that city, baby.

Yeah, Bodzilla's awesome.

I think Bodzilla has more of a

blizzard vibe than a stripper vibe.

And coming out to join Bodzilla is Gothra.

It's like Bothra, but Gotha.

Yeah.

This is an interesting strip club.

They're wearing a lot of clothes.

More clothes than I thought.

I don't really go to these places, so it's more clothes than I would think because it's monster costumes.

Yeah, I mean,

but they make money.

Like, they're staying open.

So some people are horny into that.

You're certainly giving them a lot of money.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It doesn't seem like.

We can go play pool.

I know you're so good at pool and you love.

Like, we can go to a.

Oh, no.

I work at a pool.

Oof, i was not listening it's okay we have my favorite my favorite's coming out my favorite's coming out uh-oh really short sets

it's time for claire

everybody please welcome claire sullivan

she's my favorite monster oh interesting oh okay i get it she's like piercing she's piercing ears

oh

she got you she got you yeah she got me really did not expect her to come off the stage and get my ear like that she got you holy shit hey I turned my ears all pierced.

Oh, God.

That'll be $17.

Yeah.

Oh.

Yeah, no, of course.

Yeah, here, I have a 20.

I didn't know.

I didn't know what to.

You hate this.

I'm sorry.

I do.

I just got out of like a really long marriage, and I'm not good at this, and I'm just sorry.

Oh, no, that's so...

Well, interesting.

I thought, yeah.

Something you could have.

told me but if it does I'm not I'm sorry all my dating profile pictures are me crying over a picture of my ex ex.

Is that your ex?

Yeah.

Okay, it's like a big group photo.

Yeah, where I'm, but like, I'm holding a picture and I'm like, I just thought it was like a friend that couldn't make it to the trip or something.

No, they're all the same trip.

Um, no, hey, uh, I'm.

I'm not such a loser.

I'm sorry.

Hey, hey, you're not a loser.

I work at a pool.

What does that mean?

I'm the towels.

What?

I'd like to see a scene.

I know you're at a pool and you're getting out and you want to dry off and JBC, you're the towels.

Got it.

Whoa, whoa.

Hey, hey, I'm here to dry you off.

This is a nice pool.

Oh.

Can I just get a towel or?

You're looking at him.

Huh.

I'm the towels at the pool.

Okay.

I'm super absorbent.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do I pick you up or do I...

You don't have to do anything at all.

You just stay still.

I can see you.

Am I being robbed?

What would I take?

I guess I'm.

Yeah, exactly.

Yeah.

Yeah, you don't have to do anything.

I I do ask that you don't get an erection.

Kind of a big ask.

It is a big ask.

I understand that, but it's something that I ask.

Okay, I'm going to turn around and have you think about.

Hold on, let me think about.

What should I think about?

Come on, there's a lot of guys in this pool.

There's a lot of guys in this pool.

I got a long way.

I'm grandma playing.

I'm just talking.

Hey, Dan, you don't work here.

Get the hell out of here, dude.

What do you mean I don't work here?

Oh, I'm not employed here.

Hey, go, get out.

But I'm working.

I'm so sorry, sir.

Have as many erections as you want.

Thank you.

It's so painful.

It's so painful.

You use this every time you climb.

Oh, fuck.

I forgot.

I saw it.

Scale.

I'm present.

Addle.

Scale?

It's scale.

You use this every time you climb.

I'm present to judge for every crime.

Okay.

I tell you what size to expect.

I'm also armor I protect.

Wow.

Yeah, the answer is scale.

Pretty good.

Here you go.

Here's your next one.

This is the hardest one by a lot.

Oh,

okay.

This is them editorializing and saying this is the hardest one by a lot.

Okay.

But we don't remember what the first six were, so we only have that one to go by in this one.

There are four answers to pass this test.

Combine opposite pairs to go back and forth.

Each answer is one syllable as it leaves your mouth.

The group together is not a priest.

The group together is not a priest.

This is the first one?

Can you say that again?

I got really lost.

Yeah, this is the riddle.

This is difficult.

There are four answers to pass this test.

It's the first line.

Combine opposite pairs to go back and forth.

Each answer is one syllable as it leaves your mouth.

The group together is not a priest.

Father.

Dore me, Fasolet.

Congregation.

Okay.

Congregation.

Con pro.

That's opposites.

Con pro, yes.

Con progression.

Con progression.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

Mom, are you drunk?

No, right.

Oh, congratulations.

Congratulations.

Congratulations.

You're turning a Shmedin.

Oh,

a Shmedin is such a pretty priest.

I got hit really hard in the head by a bird on the way to my birthday party.

Congratulations.

You're turning a Shmedin.

Oh my God, you're so big.

You're so big.

Okay, we got clues.

The group together is not a priest.

Regarding line four, is the group together some other position in the Catholic Church?

Yes.

Cardinal.

Clergy.

Cardinal.

Bishop.

You've got it.

Cardinal.

Cardinal.

Yes.

But that's the group together is a priest.

Not birds.

Cardinal is not the answer.

But it is a clue that will get you to the answer.

Casey.

There are four answers to pass this test.

Wait, hold on a second.

Casey, you famously turn off your video while we're recording remotely.

Now you're sitting at a table with us.

Are these the faces that you're making when you know a riddle?

Casey's pulling a lot of faces.

Do you know a lot of the riddles?

I know a lot.

Casey's the audience surrogate.

We need Casey.

He's the voice of the surrounding sides.

Oh, no.

I'm not trying to kick Casey.

I'm not trying to change anything.

I'm just saying, is this how many riddles you know?

Yeah.

Maybe.

I would say, once again, it is rare for me to get one riddle before you guys.

And I do not even know if I got this one, but something just clicked.

Every once in a while, Casey does pop off in the chat and he'll say, like, oh, and it's not often, but I do think that the law of averages, sometimes, sometimes he's going to get one of these.

I want Casey to solve this one.

Yeah, me too.

Well, we all want Casey to solve it because you think he knows the answer.

I want to know.

That's not the show.

That's what you don't know the answer.

There are four cardinal directions.

And this talks about four.

It says all together, it becomes cardinal.

And so if there are four directions,

yeah.

Do we want Casey just to solve all the puzzles for us?

Absolutely.

Well, of course we do.

That was an option?

It shouldn't be.

Okay, Casey cut out Casey talking.

Is it cardinal directions?

What are the four cardinal directions for?

North, east, west, south.

North, east, west, south.

North.

Aaron?

West.

East.

North.

North, north, south, south.

Well, here, look, I'll say.

The answer says north, east, south, west.

I'm not sure.

How they're getting that order, but that's not the order that you said.

So I guess I can't give you.

Is that the final answer?

Is that just a answer is North East, South, and West.

Do you guys remember the book, The Westing Game?

Aaron, you read the book.

That's one of my

favorites.

Thank you, Adel.

The whole plot of the book.

Remind me the author.

I don't remember.

I feel like I can see it on the screen.

I can see it right on the page.

Yeah.

I'm Googling it.

Paul.

All right.

Paul Westinghouse.

We have some things that

were submitted as warm-up riddles.

Oh.

Now,

I don't think that they're necessarily warm-up riddles.

I think that they're very hard because they're

because they're all German-based riddles.

Okay.

Uh-oh.

And I think it's going to be better if we take a little reset, if we take a break before we get into this.

But before we do that, I do want to ask you guys: what is your grasp on the German language?

Nine.

That's German for none.

Perfect joke to go to the break.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Oh, excuse, excuse me, you two.

Can you help me?

I'm trying to churn some butter.

We're all good here,

man from the past, or whatever, or Elmo or whatever.

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From our year, okay.

No, what is this?

I want to tell you about butter help.

Oh,

I see what this is.

We're trying to talk about better help.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

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Oh, this sounds pretty great.

So what are you telling me?

There's like over 30,000 therapists.

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Is that what you're saying?

Having served over five, let's say, million people globally?

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Wait a minute, one of those was about me, but which one?

You gotta try this butter, JPC.

You gotta try it.

You will love, love, love, love, love, love.

I will not try this pervert's butter.

I'm off to my time, but goodbye.

Bye.

Jealous much.

New coat, new shirt, new new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you?

Uh, no, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it, and everyone says he was, and I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting, not my experience with the Emperor.

His clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

Uh, no.

Uh, actually, we don't pay with limbs, we pay with money.

But this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

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That's clearly like Sam's little brother, like Nathan, Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

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Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middlemen.

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And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

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Adult, I have got Erin on a joke website.

I'm about to sell her chocolate boots.

I think she's going to walk around.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

I will stay and watch this.

Mom, yum, yum.

Eats them like Cookie Monster.

JPC, you know how not too long ago Aaron was a car.

We don't really need to dwell on it.

Sometimes you're asking yourself weird things like, why didn't they teach us this in school?

I feel that way almost anytime I'm dealing with money.

Amen.

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We're getting wildly off topic.

Erin used to be a car.

That's why she's not here.

But that's been resolved at this point, so we don't have to worry about that.

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Hey, JPZ.

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Aaron's not a car.

Take control of your money.

Okay, these are German warm-up riddles that were submitted by Neil.

Okay,

so

the crux of this is I'm going to give you...

Basically, it's like German translations.

Like German is a very literal language.

So I'm going to give you

the.

I'm going to try my best.

Neil knew when they submitted submitted these that I was going to have to say some German words.

So fuck you, Neil.

But I'm going to try.

I'm going to say a German word.

So these are

sounds more like Draculag.

Who knows?

You knocked it out of the park with nine, and now you're slipping.

Where are your rittels?

I'm going to give you the German word.

Then I'm going to give you the like the rough translation.

And what you're trying to get is the word that it is in English.

Okay.

Okay.

So as an example, here's the first one.

It's

Schlafinenzug.

Schlafinenzug.

Which roughly translates to sleep suit.

Sleep suit.

Coffin.

Coffin.

Suit.

Sleep suit.

Schlein.

Slaffin bag.

Sleep suit.

Pajamas.

Pajamas.

Pajamas.

I don't know how you were supposed to get pajamas from Schlafinenzug.

Schlafensenzug?

I don't know.

Okay, here's the next one.

Some of these I think are a little easier to get.

Kushkrank.

Kirschklank.

Koolschkrank.

Ratchet and clank.

It's not ratchet and clank.

Kirschkrank.

Kool, Kohkank.

Oh, Kolskash.

Honestly, it's so close to Kohl's cache.

Coupons.

What does Kohl sound like?

Cool.

Okay.

Cool running.

Cool is close.

What's

cold?

Nice.

So,

Kulskrank.

Cold.

Crank.

Skrank?

Okay, this one I think is Kulskrink.

Oh.

This is...

What was the last one?

Kulschkrank is cold cupboard.

Cold cupboard.

Refrigerator.

It's a refrigerator.

Nice one, Aaron.

A fridge is called a Kulschkrank.

Okay.

Winklemesser.

Ooh, that's a pervert.

Yes.

Is that a Winklecubber?

That's a pervert.

But also, he's kind of like an old so-and-so.

Yeah, you Winkle Messer.

Get out of here, you Winkle Messer.

Get that Winklemesser away from my uncle.

Yeah, and is the W to V thing, is that real?

real i think so um so is it it so it would be winkle winkelmesser i think sometimes yeah sometimes it's a thing regional i don't know if it's regional or i don't know it's like the one thing i know about german i don't know if it's true um okay so i've only been there one time so i i'm not an authority on it okay um and that was you said to liberate them yeah in the 80s you knocked down you knocked down a wall with a motorcycle Yeah, I actually, guys, I actually knocked it down by accident and then everyone started cheering.

And I was like, yeah.

You're like,

then David Hassel kissed you.

Yeah.

You were the first ever, and I want to get this right, sleepy agent, right?

You can't be mad when you're a son.

You were

a Soviet sleepy agent.

You can't be mad when the joke is good.

You cannot be angry when the joke is that good.

You can't be mad.

Winklemesser.

Winklemesser.

Winklemesser.

Winkle.

Is that like Sandman or something?

Oh, boy.

Yeah.

Toothbury.

Okay, so Winklemesser.

is short for, and this one's going to be even harder to get when I tell you what it's like.

Winklemeister.

Roughly translated to.

Angel knife.

Angel.

Angel Messer translates to angel knife.

What's something that's sharp?

Is that on the right track?

Angel knife.

Okay.

I'm so stupid.

This makes way more sense.

It is angle knife.

Not angel.

It is angle knife.

Angle knife.

Angle knife.

Angle knife.

What is an angle knife?

Angle knife.

A hook.

No.

Think like school.

I don't think you can.

A protractor.

It's a protractor.

Wow.

Everyone take out your angel knives.

Angle.

Winkle Messer.

Is Messer like...

Yeah, knife will mess you up, man.

Oh, maybe.

I don't know.

It makes a real mess of things.

Is Messer the angle part?

Dude, that's the other thing I don't know.

Messer could be angle.

Right.

Bend it like Beckham.

Angle it like Messer.

Let's see.

Here's your next one.

Ooh, I like this.

Gluben.

Glubenmin.

Glubernin.

Gluburnin.

Louis Vuitton.

It's Louis Vuitton.

Glubernen.

Glue.

What does Glue sound like?

Glue.

Like

glue.

Glue is close.

Glue.

No.

Glugerman.

Glue.

Gold.

Glugerman.

Glugerman.

Glue.

Something.

Glow.

Glow.

Glow worms.

Glow.

Bernin

is pear.

Is pear.

Glow pair.

So it's glow pair.

Headlights.

Headlights is so close.

Headlights is so close, Erin.

It's not cart lights.

It's more

general than that.

Glow pair.

Eyes.

Lamps.

again again more general than that like the lamp

sign what is the glow pair part of the lamp

light bulb light bulb the light bulb yes

i love that light bulb is glow pair so pair like shaped like a pair yeah like a pear shape right i never realized light bulb

like a pear oh like a p-a-ir i don't even have mastery of the english language so switching it to german for me is is very difficult um okay i want to see a scene um aaron you are taking your car to a mechanic um but you are in adult you're gonna be the mechanic but you're pretty sure that the mechanic does not know anything about cars based on the way he's talking about the components of your car oh man yeah i pushed it the last like 15 feet but it really just died out there yeah there's no warning signs or anything this morning it sounds great and it just Yeah,

yeah, I do think it is dead.

If you listen to its lungs, it sounds like one's punctured.

I put a rope down the esophagus and it feels like there is some shrapnel tinkering around in the juice.

Sorry, I don't know some of these folksy words for car parts.

These are clinical.

These are clinical.

Has your back foot been given, huh?

You haven't even touched the car yet.

I feel like maybe you've damaged someone's body.

X-ray vision.

Huh.

I'm one of the new mutants.

Well,

is there another mechanic?

We sort of seem to be in the middle of nowhere that I can bring my car to.

Sure, my twin brother's here.

Let me just turn around and put on a hat.

How can I help you, Bub?

Okay, it's a good one.

You want us to fix up your car, Bub?

You just turned around, and now there's...

Okay, um...

Now there's my four-foot eight brother with

a nice yellow and black onesie.

4'8 soaking wet.

Smoking a cigar around gasoline.

You know, I think I'm just going to Uber.

Back to the hotel.

I'll do that.

I wouldn't do that.

No, I wouldn't do that.

Why?

Ubers tend to use a Tortoda Tortel, which is an unreliable car.

You know, a lot of their prissiness comes.

I wouldn't even get in an Uber because it's all metal.

And that kind of just leaves you open to attacks by

you know who.

Okay.

Bub.

Is Snick.

Your jumpsuits.

Is that blood or oil?

Sorry.

Um.

Sure.

Yeah.

Sure.

Yeah.

When you cut into a sentinel, is it blood or oil that comes out?

Boy.

Oh, shit.

I hope so.

You know.

I have an uncle who is a mechanic.

I'm just going to call him and then he'll walk me through what I have to do.

So.

Okay, Bub.

Yeah, if you want to do that.

Oh, do you need a phone?

I got a phone.

Oh, but we don't, you know, reception is bad out here.

You could use Cerebro, Bub.

Do you want to use Cerebro to locate all your phones?

Cerebro will locate all the phones in the world.

We have a setting on Cerebro that only does uncles, Bub.

We also have a danger room.

Am I the first person you've ever met?

Huh?

The first non-mutant.

Yeah, the first human.

Can you imagine using Cerebro to locate all the phones?

Dude, if I had Cerebro,

I would be using it for all kinds of shit.

Cerebro would be my Google.

Can you use Cerebro to like, you can't use that to like watch, watch someone shower or something.

Yeah, of course you can.

Really?

Why wouldn't you?

So Professor X is, he's probably done it at least in one of the universities.

In the X-Men movie, when he's locating the mutants,

eventually you turn that on, and the mutant's going to be taking a shower.

Professor X, Charles.

I mean, look, does he look away quickly when he realizes that it's a shower?

No.

No.

Aaron, who's your favorite X-Men?

I like...

Hmm.

I feel like you're

storm.

Storm's cool.

Or if we're talking about like, I don't know, like character development or powers.

Either.

Storm's the one of the best.

Yeah, I like Storm's powers.

Of the classic X-Men, I think the worst power has to be Cyclops.

Yeah.

You'd think so, but he actually is pretty incredible.

I think you're reading the wrong versions of Cyclops.

It could be.

That's the thing is that the lore is too deep for me to be able to like, you know.

Who are your favorites?

Well, other than Nightcrawler.

If we're talking movies, the Nightcrawler sequence when he's like assassinating the president is like a really fucking badass sequence.

And in the new, the X-Men 97 cartoon that came out, Storm has an amazing arc, but Nightcrawler has maybe the best scene where he like sword fights with his tail and everything.

Is there an X-Men that you think could carry like its own movie that hasn't before?

Beast.

Give Wolf.

Kelsey Grammer.

I think if Kelsey Grammer did a one-man Broadway show called Beast.

Kelsey Grammer now, but in a Beast movie.

Kelsey Grammer presents an X-Men.

I truly just became that gif of that kid throwing money out the window.

I think it needs to be there.

It's Kelsey Grammar.

It's a one-man show.

It's we're going to say two and a half hours to justify the ticket price.

$900.

And I want to say every five minutes, he walks off stage and takes 20 minutes to change into blue makeup, comes out, does a little bit more, goes off stage.

So I think that would be.

It's like Sarah Snook doing Importance of Being Earnest or whatever.

Yes.

Like he just plays.

What is that that she's doing?

What's the Druid Mystery Vendor?

No, that's on it.

What is Importance of Being Earnest?

What's the

True West?

Picture of Dorian Gray.

Picture Yes.

True West, where it's like two actors switch roles.

Kelsey Gramer, and you get the guy who played...

Kelsey Grammer.

No, the guy who played Beast in the New Movies.

Oh, from

Nicholas Holt.

Nicholas Holt.

What's that movie?

About a Boy.

About a Boy.

Thank you.

We couldn't think of anything.

Holt and Grammar.

True West.

They did that with Waiting for Godot with Ian McHillen and Patrick Stewart.

I saw that.

Has Gal Godot ever done Waiting for Godot?

Come on.

She's not my favorite actress.

Oh, no.

She's so good.

Erin, she's so good.

My favorite actress?

My favorite singer?

Same person.

Gal Godot.

Gal Godot.

i love how she disappears into any role she plays you never know it's her

i'm ready a well more riddles i feel i feel i feel nothing about trashing on gal gadea yeah

i saw a thing that was the poster for snow white because she plays the i forget the evil the witch yeah

it's a poster for for snow white and somebody made a comment that said even the poster even from the poster i can tell she's bad at acting or something

I'm like, that's incredible.

That's wicked fun.

Yeah,

the Snow White movie was an absolute mess.

I put it on for my child because I was morbidly fascinated in what it would be.

And the CGI dwarves have like a musical number in it.

And I'm like, the whole time, I'm like, this is fucking, it's like bad.

Like, the story is confusing.

I actually think Rachel Ziegler is the best part of that.

Yeah, she's great.

She's doing an admirable job with like, it's just a mess.

But after the CGI dwarves do a song, I was watching with my child and my child started clapping.

And I was like, we're watching Moana.

Look away.

Look away.

What they did is not actually good to clap for.

Are all the dwarves

or something?

That's the thing.

All the dwarves are Hugh Grant from Notting Hill.

You're thinking of Oopalumbas.

Yes, this is.

Did anybody see that?

Was that the Willy Wonka Beach?

I saw that on the airplane.

I have a lot of friends that are apologists for it.

It's the same person who did Paddington, but I don't think it captures the same magic.

Okay.

Frankly.

Yeah, love me.

The wedding I was at this past weekend, I was at a table with all LA people, and everyone just started getting up and giving speeches, which was so funny.

Okay.

Just tipped for the table.

And then Claire McFadden, who's a great comedian, if you want to look her up, she's fantastic, stood up and started giving a speech about the new Snow White movie.

And she was like, and I watched the first 20 minutes and we were like, hey.

And then everyone started making speeches about Snow White and Rachel Seeing.

Fantastic.

Okay.

So we're going to finish off with these German ones.

These are going to be all animals.

So they're fun.

Okay.

Oh, boy.

Nacht Schneckt.

I fucked that up.

Owls.

Nacht Schneck.

Schneck, Schneck, Nacht Schneck.

Something's cows.

Nacht.

What does Nacht sound like?

Night.

Not night.

Maybe I'm saying it wrong.

Nacht, nacht.

Nocturnal.

Nacht.

Nach.

No.

How do you spell it?

N-A-C-K, and then like T-C-T-S-C-H.

Nich.

Nach,

Nach.

It sounds like what it is.

Not really.

It's naked.

It's naked.

Oh, naked mole rat.

Naked.

So naked.

Snake.

Naked snake.

Naked.

Naked snake is close.

Naked eel.

Naked.

It is a naked snail.

What do we think of naked snail?

Naked.

Slug.

Slug.

Oh, I'd like to see a sea.

I guess they must have had snails before slugs, then, right?

You guys are roommates.

One is a snail and one is a slug.

And for a moment, you think that you're walking in on him naked.

Oh, my God.

I'm so.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

Sorry.

Let me just slowly turn around.

I wasn't doing anything.

Oh, you.

Oh, I'm just watching Fraser.

Did you forget to put your shell on?

My what?

Your shell.

Did you...

I caught you with your shell down.

Oh, bro.

No, no, no, no, no.

We're different guys.

We're different types of guys.

We both look like snails.

For sure.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And your name is Mike Snailman.

Yeah, because my family were snailman.

Okay.

You know, going back generations.

Yeah, snail mail.

Delivering snail mail.

I'm a slug, man.

What?

Yeah.

Oh,

I thought that was a, I thought

those were rumors.

You guys are real?

Yeah, we're not like unicorns.

Wow.

I mean, I've heard of, you know, my dad and mom always warn me, like, if you

be careful.

Well, they're always like, be careful with your shell because you only get one.

And then they say you don't want to end up like a slug.

So you were more like a night.

You were like a thing to scare me when I was a kid.

I didn't know you were real.

I'm sorry.

No, yeah.

Oh.

Oh my God.

You didn't just like lose your shell.

You are.

You were born without a shell.

Dude.

I'm not trying to save face with you because I lost my shell.

Do you want one?

Or is that rude to offer?

I don't want one.

I have one.

Do you have extra?

I have

a few extra.

They're like fancy.

Fancy.

I put them out for guests, but knock, knock, knock.

Is anyone in there?

We have

a hi.

Um, you left your shell at my place last night.

Oh, I've never met this crow before in my life.

What does she have in her mouth?

We've been sleeping together.

Oh,

yeah.

Whoa, you're a nest fucker?

That's what we call it.

Whoa, you can't say that to me.

Oh, I thought creatures who slept with birds were called nest fuckers.

We fuck on the ground.

I couldn't get up to that nest.

It would take me like a year.

Oh, my God.

You know what?

Oh, shit.

How am I going to afford Rit?

See, we were roommates.

That's like the end of snail MM.

Oh, shit.

How am I going to give this shit up?

Snail stand.

Thank you.

Snail stand.

I knew what you were going for.

All right, here's the next one.

My shell's coming by wondering.

Wash bar.

Washbar.

Warthog.

Washbar.

A bear.

Something bear.

Yes.

Something bear.

Wash bear.

Wash bear.

Wash ish.

Panda?

It's wash bear.

This is wash bear.

Is white bear, polar bear?

I think that makes more sense.

Yeah.

Polar bear for wash bear.

Wash bear.

This thing is is not a bear at all.

Oh.

Oh.

And I don't know what wash is about, really.

Oh, is it like a beaver or an otter or something?

Again.

No.

We're making more.

It's not a water creature.

It's not a water creature.

Quite a bit.

Cow.

This is a creature that does clean itself, I would say.

Cat.

Specifically, their hands.

I think they really like to clean their hands.

Oh.

Rats?

No.

But yeah, they're raccoons.

Raccoons.

Raccoons are washed.

Raccoons are constantly putting on

disinfectant.

What is it called?

Disinfected?

Hand sanitizer.

I do want to say a sweet.

The two of you are raccoons and

you are going through your sort of daily

routine of like everything that you need to get done.

Almost like an OCD routine of like everything you need to get done before you leave.

Okay.

Did you shower?

Ah, yes.

Okay.

Yes, I did.

Did you?

I'm trying to remember if I showered last night or if I.

You showered this morning.

Your hair is wet.

Okay.

Keys.

Wallet.

I showered last night as well.

Okay, great.

Double shower.

Fine.

Keys.

Wallet.

Keys.

Wallet.

Water bottle.

Water bottle.

Doug, Diane, trash is getting picked up in three minutes.

Oh, my God.

We didn't do the trash.

Okay, hold on.

Before we go outside to do the trash, do we have all of our trinkets?

A little, the inside part of a bell.

One prong of a fork.

Just a frame of mirror.

A bobby pin.

A bobby pen.

The tooth of a child.

Did I take a shower?

You took a shower.

I did take a shower.

Okay.

Great.

Small my pits.

Fuck.

If we touch trash, we're going to have to take another shower.

Shit.

Are we going to eat the trash?

Oh, my God.

We have to do it.

We have an inner shower.

We have to drink water.

We have to remember to drink water.

Okay.

Are you going to J.P.

River's party later?

Oh, of course.

Okay.

Of course.

Well, then we need to bring.

His parties are the best.

You got to find some drugs.

Someone always dies.

Yeah.

Okay.

Oh, my God.

Okay.

So we're going to go eat the trash.

We're going to go.

You know what we should do?

No, let's write this.

We should get like a big Stanley.

Okay.

Yeah.

To shower in?

Oh, I was thinking like the guy from the office, like someone we could ride around on.

Oh, okay.

Oh, or like a big water cup.

We need, girl.

We need to drink water.

We need to drink water.

We need to be drinking a lot.

Okay, actually, you know what I mean?

Honestly, I feel like he fucking pig.

I've been eating nothing but trash.

I've been drinking no water.

Oh my god, I just realized I haven't been sharing the calendar with you.

Okay, hold on, hold on.

Let me send this to you.

Texting it over.

Texting it over.

Okay.

Trash pickup in one minute.

Oh, my God.

We're going to miss the trash.

Okay.

And we're going to be hungry all day.

We won't have to energy.

Okay.

We we haven't paid him this week.

Oh my god, hold on, let me.

I'm wringing my hands.

I have no Venlo.

I have no PayPal.

I'm wringing my hands.

I have no apps.

Oh my god, this isn't my phone.

This isn't my phone.

This is a trash can lid.

This is the lid of a trash can.

Okay, where did I put my phone?

Oh my god, it's in the shower.

It's all wet.

It's ruined.

You know what?

Here's what we do:

we hit the apple store.

It's trash cans.

They have the best trash because all they sell is apples.

I'm looking at all these words and I'm thinking, I don't know German.

There was

I left a trash bag out on the porch not too long ago, and there was a raccoon that kept coming up to the porch because all our, all my cats were like sitting by the window.

And I'm like, what's going on out here?

And I turned.

He thought you left him a gift.

Truly.

I drew the light and there was a raccoon sticking out of the trash bag.

And I was like, shit, I should have thrown that out.

So I was like, I'll throw it out in the morning.

Came into the kitchen half an hour later.

All All the cats were still sitting there watching.

And I'm like, turn on the porch light.

Raccoon's still there.

I'm like, whoa, that's crazy.

Turned off the porch light.

Came back an hour later.

Cats are back at the window.

I was like, let me check on this.

Turn on the light.

A possum was now, has taken the raccoon's place.

It was terrifying because I expected to see the little raccoon tail.

And it was like a skinny naked tail.

And I was like, and then it turned and like looked at me.

And possums are terrifying.

Maybe it got so mad it turned into a possum.

Maybe that's just what possums are, is betrayed raccoons.

Betrayed raccoons.

You wait, you saw a raccoon digging through a trash bag on your porch and you thought, let me just take care of this tomorrow?

Well, I didn't want to go out and try and take

candy from a baby.

You take trash from a baby.

Yeah, and the raccoon had like made eye contact with him and put his little hand on his heart and went, please.

Dibs.

Dibs.

Thank you so much.

It rubbed his heart like in the bear when Carm is like...

Because like

my

understanding of raccoons and the way that, I mean, they're very clean creatures.

We know they love washing their hands with disinfectant, but you're going to wake up the next morning and the the trash is going to be strewn all about like your porch, right?

It was, but I would rather that.

You're a terrible neighbor.

You're not leaving trash out for your neighbor to eat and strew.

We, there, there, it's luckily, it's not in my neck of the woods, but on my block, there is a rat problem because there is an abandoned house where I think like raccoons and possums and rats and stuff live in it.

Oh, my.

Yeah.

So

you got to be really careful about like leaving like stuff like that out.

You don't trick or treat there, do you?

Because they're going to give really bad.

Okay.

They don't give the worst stuff.

Really?

They give full-size shit.

King-size shit.

King-size shit.

But, but, but, yeah, I mean, I think I would rather try to scare off a raccoon than deal with picking trash up out of my yarn.

I think.

Yeah, I think I was just, I was like, let him go.

Let him go.

I honestly don't.

I'm the same thing with you.

I can't get too mad at a raccoon.

I think a raccoon is cute as fuck.

Now, opossum?

Terrifying.

Terrifying.

They look like

dude dress.

Yeah, they're terrifying.

That's just pretty privilege at work.

It is.

It is.

And truly, though, with animals, it's pretty privileged because I love a squirrel and I hate a rat.

You know, you stomp on a cockroach, you're a hero.

You smack a butterfly, everyone hates you.

Yeah, Adel, that was we were at a bar once, and Adol slapped a butterfly so hard, and the whole bar went silent.

He grabbed your ass, Aaron.

He grabbed your ass.

I was protecting you.

Well, when we say you slapped a butterfly, it was a tattoo on someone's lower back

that guy with the tramp stamp.

That big guy with the tramp stamp grabbed your ass, and Adel slapped him right back.

It turned about fair play.

I think I like the way I told the story.

I feel like everyone got the right information.

Shield crowd.

Shield.

Shieldkraut.

Shieldkraut.

Shieldkraut.

These are shed crow.

Not riddles, by the way.

Well, Aaron.

100% correct.

As someone, you, who complains all the time about when things are not riddles, I feel like.

No, I.

Did I say that these were riddles?

You said these were warm-up riddles.

Yeah.

This does feel like we're just learning a new language.

That's what Neil said, but I think it's a fun opportunity.

So, what does shield krot sound like?

Shield crow.

Shield?

Crow.

Krot is

turtle.

Sauerkraut.

Aaron, it's turtle.

Shield krot is toad.

Shield toad.

And a shield krot is totally.

A shield toad.

A shield toad is a way cooler name than a turtle.

I know.

Shield crot.

Siege toad.

Okay.

Yeah.

And maybe I should be giving you, let's try one of these.

I'm going to give you first the English word.

Prick pig.

Prick pig.

Porcupine.

That's a porcupine.

Or I was afraid that if I gave you that, you wouldn't ever get to hear the German part of it.

Or you don't, Adol.

I absolutely don't.

Addle, there's still time.

Adel, look at me.

Hey, hey, there's still time to not do this.

JBC, you're in your car.

Adolf thought I was gonna, okay, you just got cut off and you just got cut off in traffic.

Got it.

And you pulled into the gas station where the car who cut you off was.

Aaron, you are the driver of that car, and you're a pig who's an absolute prick.

Cool.

Hey, man, what the fuck?

Oh, learn how to drive asshole

I can't even lift my head up to look at the sky and I'm still a better driver than you fucking

hey

You know what man man what yeah memorizing your license plate googling it online finding your home address.

Give me a second asshole Found your home address.

All right.

Okay.

What was a pig touch?

Other names linked

to this address.

Found your wife.

Ooh, found your wife on LinkedIn.

Ooh, found your wife on Pinterest.

Hey, what the fuck is your problem?

You shouldn't be driving.

She's got a fucking pig.

Instagram.

Oh, yeah.

I haven't heard that one before.

Creative.

Message.

No, it's not meant to be creative.

Graham slid into her DMs.

Is this like a rocket raccoon thing?

This is a prank.

Sorry to bother you.

Dak Shepard is somewhere.

I don't normally do this.

You're the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Running around the parking lot looking for Dak Shepard.

Just scrambling, looking for Dak Shepard.

We cut to the

ex-mansion.

I've brought you here, Prick Pig, because I used Cerebris.

Oh my god, this place sucks.

I used Cerebris.

I'm part of the nerd brigade.

We're not nerds, we're.

Oh, you watched me shower, then you called me to the mansion.

Yikes.

Well, you were bathing in mud, but you can't see you.

I have a date with an asshole's wife, dude.

TikTok on the clock.

Please, Prick Pig, be more nice and gentle to this man.

He's only trying to help.

Misty, I don't want to hear from you.

I'm going to go into my little piggy convertible and I'll see you y'all later.

I had a big accident.

I fell down a tower.

See?

I could have thought of a funnier accent for that voice TV because she can turn into other things.

We being Colossus.

Yeah, it's Colossus who is...

Is Mystique playing as Colossus, but I think it is.

I think it is also funny that it's immediately recognizable that it is Mystique.

She's got to change her body.

She She just changed it.

In any improv scene, no matter what, if you're saying like, hey, Bub or BAMP or whatever, to just be like, hey, Mystique, like, just make everyone Mystique is very funny.

Mystique also

got to be one of the worst roles that you can play.

Any role that you have to spend like three hours in a makeup chair every day, that's got to be awful, right?

But

you're doing a fourth of the filming because other actors are playing you playing themselves.

That's true.

That's true.

You don't have to film as much, but three hours in a makeup chair?

Yeah.

That sounds horrible.

It sounds horrible.

We

should give Jennifer Lawrence and Rebecca Roman Stamos

posthumous Oscars.

Posthumous Oscars.

Possum Oscars.

Possum Oscars.

Here's an Oscar.

It's mostly dug through raccoon trash.

It's a half-dead possum.

All right, here's your last one.

Oh, these aren't riddles.

You're right.

Here's your last one.

A half-dead possum is just a possum, Aaron.

Have you seen them?

That's so mean.

Yeah, they're on the way out.

There's a possum just sort of ripping out its headphones from its ears on the train somewhere in a U.S.

city to see why they're doing.

Oh, don't eggs, by the way.

Back to my bam-bam.

Don't go one-star review bomb us if you're a fucking possum, okay?

No, well, now we're going to get a bunch of one-star reviews from possum.

We should do a Patreon that's like super pro-possum.

Look, just the just-people who follow us on Instagram will be like, did you guys see Hay Riddle Riddle posted a sorry we went after possums, but we're afraid of getting canceled apology video on their social media?

whatever.

Hey, guys.

10 years from now when the climate changes, I'll take this episode down.

You know?

We just wanted to hop on, and we've really been reflecting on what we did.

I want to speak for all of us when I say we are really deeply sorry to the possum community.

Some of my favorite animals are possums.

If we started out an Instagram apology video, there are so many groups that we have offended who would be like, okay, here we go.

Here's my apology.

And then when it's possums, they'd be like, fuck you.

Fuck you, fuckers.

Canadian perverts.

Australia.

Piss deers.

Australians.

You should do it.

Remember when you did the demographics

list?

Yes.

You should do that for people we should.

We should apologize to.

White people.

Piss deers.

White people.

Canadians.

In brackets, the people that we consider to be white people.

Barbers.

Hairdressers.

Barbers.

Well, Canadian perverts.

Creed.

Yeah.

Nickelback?

Creed.

Are they both Canadian?

Wow.

Wow.

Could be.

Seahund.

Seahound.

Seahorse.

It is a seal.

Seals are kind of like sea.

Seahund is a sea dog, which is seal.

Seals are so cute.

Every time I see a video of a seal, it reminds me of Lou.

I'm like, it moves.

Its eyes look like Lou and like moves.

And I feel like seals and dogs must have similar brains.

Ooh, yeah.

They're so cute.

Plus, Lou has some lab.

No.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And labs are water dogs.

So I think seals are probably closer to labs.

Not Lou, though.

Lou hates the water.

Yeah.

Like, if you take her in the pool the rest of the day, she'll just be going like this and paddling.

You know what?

You need to get Lou.

What?

Like a big Stanley.

So she can swim in that.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Just to get kind of more used to water.

Yeah.

Poor Lou.

Poor Lou.

Seals are cute.

Sea lions are cute.

But there's.

Are sea lions cute?

Yeah.

There's one of those

that are like disgusting.

Seals and dogs both bark.

Manatees?

Are you thinking?

And they sound cute.

Manatees are pretty different.

Every time I see a manatee, I think about how

they used to think they were mermaids.

Yeah, and I would do stuff with them.

Dude, last night I fucked the mermaid.

And

when you say do stuff.

Do stuff.

Do stuff.

She was gorgeous.

I fucked her on a rock.

Okay, okay.

I think we should maybe all go home or back to our hammocks, I think.

Let's Let's all go back to our hammocks, please.

And let's not tell tall tales about fucking mermaids on rocks.

I think, honestly, I'd rather be back in my hammock than listen to another minute of this.

Okay, well, hey, thank you for submitting those riddles.

And I do think that those riddles are probably from like 2019 or something like that.

But you know what?

If you have more

things that aren't riddles that I might just read on the podcast as riddles, great.

Submit them.

I have a question for you.

Yes, please.

We asked for people to send in their five hottest takes.

Yes.

Has anyone sent in hot takes?

Yes.

Now,

some people, we said five.

Some people sent in one or three or something.

I mean, come on.

The quickest way for me to not consider those hot takes is to just like move past them.

But we have enough hot takes that people submitted that we could do an episode where we just kind of review people's hot takes.

I want to do that.

Okay.

Well, we will do that then.

Okay.

Great.

I wish I was doing that right now.

Well, let's end this episode and then do that.

And we should come in with our own hot day.

I don't have anything

in the sky.

All my opinions are really popular and cool because they're good.

Aaron's got good opinions.

Yeah, they're really good opinions.

Aaron, do you have any other, speaking of your good opinions, anything else that you would like to point people to in kind of the form of plugs?

Other than getting tickets to our live shows that are this week, favoriteoveriddle.com slash live.

Portland, Seattle, Los Angeles, coming down the pipeline.

That's in like, yeah, two weeks.

And that's live streams.

So you can get that and stream it from anywhere the Los Angeles show um but if you live in LA come see quality time which is my variety show that I host Adel anything to plug or promote or talk about yes everyone should check out and subscribe to a new podcast by our friends Greg Hess and Joey Bland called like minds

like minds it's a delightful and hilarious sort of like game show podcast

again hosted by Joey Bland produced by Greg Hess and check that out Aaron and I did an episode recently I've done the live version as well.

And they are so good at writing funny, interesting questions.

If you like our show, genuinely, it will be,

it makes so much sense that you would listen and love it.

To the best improvisers.

So check that out.

Like minds,

check it out.

JPC, anything to plug or promote?

Here's the thing.

I just realized.

We record these sometimes.

We're doing this, especially since Aaron's in town.

So we're recording a little bit in advance so we can take advantage of being live in the studio.

But sometimes our plugs don't catch up.

And I have to like go back and re-record plugs that are like, these are plugs specific for this.

And I'm always like, well, how do I intro it?

How do I make it seem flawless?

Here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to say, hey, JPC in the future, do you have anything of the plug?

Oh, smart.

And then toss it to yourself.

And then I just toss it to myself.

Thanks, JPC.

JPC from the Future here with a live show update.

This weekend, Portland and Seattle, both of those shows were sold out, but we just released some of our comps.

So we have a few more tickets left.

So if you have waited this long, but you still want to go to the show, you might still be able to get a ticket to Portland and Seattle.

And then the next weekend, the first weekend of August, we'll be in LA.

And again, that live stream for the LA show, you can still buy tickets up to two weeks after the show ends.

So if you don't get them immediately, but you still want to see the live stream, you can catch that up to two weeks after the show ends.

You can just go to heyridoveridle.com/slash live for all of those tickets.

Okay, back to you guys.

And now I'm back.

All right, JPC, in the future, anything to plug?

Fart sound.

Thanks, JPC.

Is that my butt that I'm plugging?

Yes.

Okay.

That's funny.

Well, honestly.

Jupiter.

What?

Scared.

And John Patrick Collins.

Casey Tony did the editing.

Emery parents in the music video.

Must be your hate rich original.

Hey there, Oreos and Mints.

If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon.

We're discussing your hot takes.

You can listen to that, plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there.

That was a head gum podcast.