Patreon Preview #332: Public Access 14

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And the last one is Stop That Laughing at the Back, which is my favorite one listed. Stop that laughing at the back.

Okay.

Okay, everybody, take a seat.

Quiet down, okay? Okay, okay.

This is about what happened yesterday. This is not funny.

I cannot stress this enough.

This is not.

Look at me.

This is not funny.

Your teacher, hey.

Hey. Is he going to be okay? No, he fired himself to death.
Now, hold on.

Fired those to death. This is being streamed to the whole town, and this is very serious.

Okay.

You were

the last class

that he had. You guys saw it go down.

The authority. Hey.

Question. Yep.
Could we just laugh for like... No.

You can't get out of your systems. You can't.
Why not?

Because yesterday. Can you imagine the hell of dying by farts and there's an entire classroom of children not

calling for help, not running for help, but laughing in your face. That's the last sound he heard.
Well, not the last sound.

I mean, yes. Hey,

we lived it. We lived it.
We could imagine. We hit the ceiling.

We have the footage. We know the momentum.

Play it. Play it.
No. Stop it.

Play it. Play it.
Stop the layering in the back. Hey.
You simply must play the footage. No, we will in a minute.

We will in a minute.

because we all need to talk about what happened we're gonna do a play-by-play and you're gonna let me know what happened okay okay

well you know what happened he farted himself to death what happened before the farting um

i guess teacher was um making a weird face and holding his tummy yeah um and then this is not funny i think we what we're we're telling we're giving we're telling you what happened yes everyone processes grief differently yeah he said yeah he broke the fluorescent light by flying up to the ceiling.

He said something like, well, the exact quote was like, I shouldn't have had so much chili.

Hey, stop. And then I guess after that.
Stop. That's what it sounded like.
After that was the first fart, and then the class hamster died.

We know.

Double tragedy. And I know it's not funny.
We don't know that he died. He died.

He held up a little sign that said, I carumba. And then he keeled over.
Hey, stop. Stop it.

Stop it.

Which of the farts, how far in, was the one that blasted him back into the chalkboard?

Stop, stop, stop, stop that laughing in the back. It was all the farts.
Every fart blasted him back. Every fart.

Look at the hole. You're seeing the hole.
It was a process. I need a bunch of people.
You think you get a four-foot divot in a chalkboard? This was not just a teacher.

He worked for it. This was not just a teacher.
This was a father. This was a husband.
This was a volunteer firefighter. This was someone who did community theater at night.
Yes. Can I ask something?

It showed in his performance. Exactly, what?

About 12 to 30 minutes in,

all the other teachers came into the classroom and also watched along. Are they in trouble as well? Yes.
Are we in trouble? You're in the biggest trouble.

You had, this was a 50-minute episode. You had 50 minutes to call 911, call for an ambulance, run and get help from me, the principal.

You could have done anything, and he died because you guys were laughing and laughing. Hey, stop it.
In our defense, it was riveting.

Stop it. It was the best 50 minutes of my life.
I could tell he had community theater chops because of kind of how he was milking it and handing it up to a certain degree. He wasn't.
He was in agony.

He was making sounds that didn't necessarily equate to agony.

Like, don't make me do it.

A wooga. A wooga.

Jump the mommy in the back.

Hamana, how mana, help me. Hamana, how mana, help me.
Doink.

He said doink a lot, and he was saying doink. Yeah, and he kept saying, my pants.
Oh, my pants. Speaking of his pants, how far in did his pants blow off?

Well, they were carhart, so they lasted longer than they should. They lasted much longer.
Right. Built farm tough.
Yeah. Don't.
But it wasn't really that the pants blew off in one burst.

It was more that they were shredded.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Excuse me, you two travelers.

I'm from a different time,

and I need to know how things work in this time.

What's my hair color in 2028? What's my hair color in 2029? What's my hair color in 2029? Oh, I'm from the past.

Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah.
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Did you know most of those words, guy from the past? Yeah, we have words in the past. Also, my name is just Jeff and I'm from now.
Okay, guy from the past.

I have a great, it looks like the domain www.guyfromthepast who needs $500.com is still available. Now, here's the thing.

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That's insane.

Wait, don't listen to that guy. I'm actually from the past and need that website.
Okay, so it's going to be a bidding war on that fake website. What is a website? There we go.

Five, four, three, two, one. Countdown over.
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That is diehard fans and football fans. I'm not sure if you'll find stuff from the major motion picture diehard, but you can look.

And Miss Keith, can I tell you last year, my parents got me common goods? I got like a bag of flour and a brick.

Well, that's no fun. No, I want uncommon goods.
That won't do. You know what? If you're like me, buy some Christmas ornaments.
Get some Christmas candles.

Get some stuff for Christmas and put it on your house. Hey, whatever you do, don't wait.
Cross those names off your list before the rush.

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We're all out of the ordinary. But don't take it from them.

Take it from me, Cousin Kringle.

That's fun. That's fun.
Probably should have done it at the beginning, though, right? Huh? Stay on that side of the street. Oh, stay over there.
Do you need me to start the ad? No, stay there.

Everybody say thank you, Miss Erin.

I thanked you guys in the other ones.

Not getting thanked. As the

family is planning a funeral right now, and they don't know what to say. They don't know what to put in the paper.

I would say don't do open casket. Closed casket for sure.
His ass was ruined.

Stop that laughing in the back. Stop it.
People are watching this at home. Why? Because we're holding you accountable.

This is being streamed out? Yes, of course.

At one point, he went in the air like, you know those wind tunnels that you can go into where

you're wearing a suit where you can open your arms or close them yeah indoor skydiving indoor skydiving at one point it was like 50 minutes of that and it was beautiful he looked like an angel

he tried to use the eye wash station and he blew all of the water back into the eye wash station and then it corroded the spout that it was coming out of like it was The stinkiness was like acidic in some way.

Okay, let's just try to get the timeline right. What order do you remember happening? You walked into the classroom, and then what happened?

Sat down a big bowl of chili, sat down a big bowl of chili on the desk. I would say you said it was cheese.
No, it was chili, but there was definitely cheese in it. Yeah.

I don't think that what came out of him would have been possible without the assistance of that. Stop that laughing in the back.

I also want to mention, I don't know if anyone has gone on record, but at some point

it got so bad he put his finger in his,

I don't know the medical term, butthole.

And then he got a real funny face and he he started coming out his mouth and he clapped his hand over his mouth and then it started coming out the butthole. Then he did the hand over the butthole

in the back. Then it came out of his eyes.

Well, it wasn't steam. It was farts.
It was farts. But it looked and sounded like the whistle of steam.
And then he clapped his hands over his ears and his eyeballs bulged out with farts.

Like a looney tune. And at some point, I wouldn't say like a loony tune.
It was very human. Yeah.

Like the mask, maybe? Yeah, like the mask. Stop laughing in the back.
He kept saying, I'm being cooked alive. Stop.

And then he tried to open the windows. He did.
Which I thought was very kind. And then you guys closed them to keep the pressure in the room.
That's not why we closed them.

We opened the window, and then he unfortunately did see a very pretty lady out on the street. And I think he was getting horny.

Well, it doesn't matter if he's married. He's a man.
He was getting horny. He's a red-blooded American.

He was getting horny by seeing a very, and we don't know if the woman could have been his wife because I know his wife works close by. but he was getting very horny and he was starting to make a

wooga,

his face turned wolfish, I would say. Unrelated to the fart.
Well, no, but the horniness was mixing with the farts, and it was creating sort of an unholy blend between the back.

Stop that laughing in the back.

Stop that laughing in the back. At one point, he did call the hospital.
Oh, he did.

Well, he was farting so much they thought it was a prank, and they hung up on him.

And remind me again, what sign did the hamster hold hold up? I Curumba?

Stop.

Stop that laughing at the back. I made the sign for Spanish class.

I don't know how the hamster got it. It wasn't for him.
But then on the reverse side, he turned it around and it said die Kurumba. Yeah.

And then

big X's for

his eyes.

And then there was a big, I don't know where it came from, but there was sort of like a noise that was like,

sort of like Ren and Stimpy when they should do a close-up of someone's armpit or something.

Oh, yeah, I didn't even associate that with the farting, but now that I'm thinking about it, that was definitely the moves that came out.

One of the farts turned all the pages of the book that you guys were reading to a certain page. What book was it, and what did the page say?

Stop that laughing in the back. Stop.
It was, we were reading The Catcher in the Rye, and it blew some letters off of the cover and turned it into

the farter smells like sty.

Okay, so some letters got blown onto the book. Yeah, uh-huh.
You want to think of maybe another one? Sure, and I could think of one more.

Um, hmm. Uh,

okay,

Madame Bovary, shit. And, oh, fuck.

We were reading the giver and I got changed to the shitter. Yes.
We don't know where the S and the H and the. And we don't have all the answers to these questions.
Okay. Well,

you guys will be assigned a new teacher, obviously. No, we want our old teacher.
Oh, that's right.

Did he leave us like a VHS or something to play? Stop to laughing. I forgot he died.
Did he leave us like a VHS to play in case of death?

He did.

He wanted me to roll in the TV into the classroom and show you guys.

Have you seen the video yet?

I know what it is.

You're laughing. You haven't seen it.
Is it going to be like sports bloopers where it's like

and it's going to be him farting? Yes.

I forgot he died because he did. He stopped farting and he said, oh,

I'm okay. I don't know what that was.
And he walked out of the classroom and then we heard him kind of fart. and like bang off a thing from the like a rocket ship going down the hallway

he hit the ceiling pan at some point yeah yeah you could hear him hitting lockers. Yeah.
And then what happened was, I know what happened. He blew back through the wall like a Kool-Aid man.
Yeah.

And he did say, well, he said, oh no. He screamed, oh no.
He blew back through the wall, left again, went out to the parking lot, and then his fart blew him up into the

oh my god, I'm crying, cried sleeping. Oh my gosh, got electrocuted.
He got electrocuted. Yes, I've known him 20 years.
He's worked at the school. He got electrocuted.
He got into it.

He got blown into all the wires. He got blown into all the wires.
And he kept going. It was kind of like as he went up, it was kind of like,

what's it called? And Doctor Strange Love

guy dropped on the bomb. We all know the cowboy on the bomb.
Cowboy on the bomb. Slim picks up.

You know what? We're going to do. But it was reverse Slim Pickens just going up into the clouds.
I hope you earned a valuable lesson about actually asking for help. Yes.

This is sort of a bystander effect that no one. We have learned our lesson.
Okay, great. And let's just do a moment of silence.
Can we watch the video?

We can, but one moment of silence in honor of the teacher.

We haven't had a moment in silence in 50 minutes. Okay.
When he was dying. Don't laugh in the middle.
Okay. Moment of silence.
Oh, his family's coming in. Yep.
This is super cheery. No, don't laugh.

Do not laugh. Do not laugh.
They're in mourning.

This is his family? Yep. It's a moment of silence starting now.

Why are they all eating chili?

Stop that. Is that to honor his

mother?

Yes. Does the whole family really like chili? Ask my question.
Okay, but I'm just wondering because they're eating a lot of chili. Oh, no.

Oh, Oh, too much chili. Oh, no, it's happening again.
I'm eating too much chili. Sorry, no, I made the video.
Start playing. Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.
Turn it off.

Well, he's eating chili in the video, too.

I don't think this is on us. See?

One, two, three, four, hate Riddle Riddles Clue Crew.

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