Patreon Preview #332: Public Access 14

And the last one is stop that laughing at the back, which is my favorite one listed.

Stop that laughing at the back.

Okay.

Okay, everybody, take a seat.

Quiet down, okay?

Okay.

Okay.

This is about what happened yesterday.

This is not funny.

I cannot stress this enough.

This is not.

Look at me.

This is not funny.

Your teacher, hey.

Hey.

Is he going to be okay?

No, he farted himself to death.

Now, hold on.

Fighted those to death.

This is being streamed to the whole town, and this is very serious.

Okay?

You were

the last class

that he had.

You guys saw it go down.

The authority.

Hey.

Question.

Yep.

Could we just laugh for like.

No.

You can't get out of your systems.

You can't.

Why not?

Because yesterday, can you imagine the hell of dying by farts?

And there's an entire classroom of children not

calling for help, not running for help, but laughing in your face.

That's the last sound he heard.

Well, not the last sound.

I mean, yes.

Hey,

we lived it.

We lived it.

We could imagine.

We have the footage.

We know the momentum.

Play it.

Play it.

No.

Stop the lagging.

Play it.

Play it.

Stop the lightning in the back.

Hey.

You simply must play the footage.

No, we will in a minute.

We will in a minute.

Because we all need to talk about what happened.

We're going to do a play-by-play, and you're going to let me know what happened.

Okay.

Okay.

Well, you know what happened.

He farted himself to death.

What happened before the farting?

I guess Teacher was making a weird face and holding his tummy.

Yeah.

And then

I think,

we're telling you what happened.

Everyone processes grief differently.

Yeah.

He said something.

Yeah, he broke the fluorescent light by flying up to the ceiling.

He said something like, well, the exact quote was like, I shouldn't have had so much chili.

Hey, stop.

And then I guess after that.

Stop.

That's what it sounded like.

After that was the first fart, and then the class hamster died.

We know

double tragedy and i know it's not funny we don't know he that he died he died he held up a little sign that said i karumba and then he keeled over hey stop stop it

stop it which of the which of the farts how far in was the one that blasted him back into the chalkboard

stop stop stop stop that laughing in the back it was all the farts every fart blasted every fart

look at the hole You're seeing the hole.

It was a process.

I need a lot of work.

You think you get a four-foot divot and a chalkboard?

This was not just a teacher.

He worked for it.

This was not just a teacher.

This was a father.

This was a husband.

This was a volunteer firefighter.

This was someone who did community theater at night.

Yes.

Can I ask something?

It showed in his performance.

Exactly.

What?

About

12 to 30 minutes in.

All the other teachers came into the classroom and also watched along.

Are they in trouble as well?

Yes.

Are we in trouble?

You're in the biggest trouble.

You had, this was a 50-minute episode.

You had 50 minutes to call 911, call for an ambulance, run and get help from me, the principal.

You could have done anything, and he died because you guys were laughing and laughing.

Hey, stop it.

In our defense, it was riveting.

Stop it.

It was the best 50 minutes I'm going to do.

I could tell he had community theater chops because of kind of how he was milking it and hamming it up to a certain degree.

He wasn't.

He He was in agony.

He was making sounds that didn't necessarily equate to agony.

Like, don't make me do it.

A wooga.

A wooga.

Don't go off me in the back.

Hamana, how mana, help me.

Hamana, how mana, help me.

Doink!

He said doink a lot, and he was saying doink.

Yeah, and he kept saying, my pants.

Oh, my pants.

Speaking of his pants, how far in did his pants blow off?

Well, they were carhart, so they lasted longer than this year.

They lasted much longer.

Right.

Built Farm Tough.

Yeah.

Don't.

But it wasn't really that the pants blew off in one burst.

It was more that they were shredded as the

family

is planning a funeral right now, and they don't know what to say.

They don't know what to put in the pants.

I would say don't do open casket.

Closed casket for sure.

His asshole is ruined.

Stop that laughing in the back.

Stop it.

People are watching this at home.

Why?

Because we're holding you accountable.

This is being streamed out?

Yes, of course.

At one point, he went in the air like, you know, those wind tunnels that you can go into where

you're wearing a suit where you can open your arms or close them.

Yeah, indoor skydiving.

Indoor skydiving.

At one point, it was like 15 minutes of that, and it was beautiful.

He looked like an angel.

He tried to use the eyewash station, and he blew all of the water back into the eyewash station, and then it corroded.

the spout that it was coming out of like it was the stinkiness was like acidic in some way.

Okay, let's just try to get the timeline right.

What order do you remember happening?

You walked into the classroom and then what happened?

Sat down a big bowl of chili, sat down big bowl of chili on the desk.

I would say you said it was cheese.

No, it was chili, but there was definitely cheese in it.

Yeah.

I don't think that what came out of him would have been possible without the assistance.

Stop that laughing in the back.

I also want to mention, I don't know if anyone has gone on record, but at some point

it got so bad he put his finger in his,

I don't know the medical term, butthole.

Don't do this.

and um then he got a real funny face and he started coming out his mouth and he clapped his hand over his mouth and then it started coming out the butthole then he did the hand over the butthole started coming out of his penis stop laughing in the back then it came out of his mouth

well it wasn't steam it was farts it was farts but it looked and sounded like the whistle of steam and then he clapped his hands over his ears and his eyeballs bulged out with farts like a loony tune and at some point i wouldn't say like a loony tune it was very human yeah like the mask maybe?

Yeah, like the mask.

Don't start laughing in the back.

He kept saying, I'm being cooked alive.

Stop.

And then he tried to open the windows.

He did.

Which I thought was very kind.

And then you guys closed them to keep the pressure.

That's not why we closed them.

We opened the window, and then he unfortunately did see a very pretty lady out on the street.

And I think he was getting horny.

Well, it doesn't matter if he's married.

He's a man.

He was getting horny.

He's a red-blooded American.

He was getting horny by seeing a very, and we don't know if the woman could have been his wife because i know his wife works close by but he was getting very horny and he was starting to make a a wooga a wooga a hooga

his face turned wolfish i would say unrelated to the fart well no but the horniness was mixing with the farts and it was creating sort of an unholy blend between stop that laughing in the back

stop that laughing in the back at one point he did call um the hospital oh he did okay

well he was farting so much they thought it was a prank and they hung up on him

And remind me again,

what sign did the hamster hold up?

I Curumba?

Stop.

Stop that laughing in the back.

I made the sign for Spanish class.

I don't know how the hamster got it.

It wasn't for him.

But then on the reverse side, he turned it around and it said die Kurumba.

Yeah.

And then he, and then big X's, big X's for his eyes.

Over his eyes.

And then, and then there was a big, I don't know where it came from, but there was sort of like a noise that was like,

sort of like Ren and Stimpy when they should do a close-up of someone's armpit or something.

Oh, yeah, I didn't even associate that with the farting, but now that I'm thinking about it, that was definitely a noise that came out of it.

One of the farts turned all the pages of the book that you guys were reading to a certain page.

What book was it, and what did the page say?

Stop that laughing in the back.

Stop.

We were reading The Catcher in the Rye, and it blew some letters off of the cover and turned it into

the farter smells like sty.

Okay, so some letters got blown onto the book.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

You want to think of maybe another one?

Sure, and I could think of one more.

um hmm uh

okay um madame bovary shit and oh fuck

uh

we were reading the giver and it got changed to the shitter yes uh we don't know where the s and the h in the and we don't have all the answers to these questions okay well

You guys will be assigned a new teacher, obviously.

No, we want our old teacher.

Oh, that's right.

Did he leave us like a VHS or something to play?

Stop to laughing.

I forgot he died.

Did he leave us like a VHS to play in case of death?

He did.

He wanted me to roll in the TV into the classroom and show you guys.

Have you seen the video yet?

I know what it is.

You're laughing.

You haven't seen it.

Is it going to be like sports bloopers where it's like,

and it's going to be him farting?

Yes.

I forgot he died because he did.

He stopped farting and he said, oh, I'm okay.

I don't know what that was.

And he walked out of the classroom and then we heard him kind of fart and like bang off a thing somehow, like a rocket ship going down the hallway.

And then some lockers.

He hit the ceiling pane at some point.

Yeah.

Yeah, you could hear him hitting lockers.

Yeah.

And then what happened was, I know what happened.

He blew back through the wall like a Kool-Aid man.

Yeah.

And he did say, well, he said, oh no.

He screamed, oh no.

He blew back through the wall, left again, went out to the parking lot, and then his fart blew him up into the, oh my God, I'm crying.

Cried to see him.

Oh my gosh.

He got electrocuted.

Yes, I've known him 20 years.

He's worked at the school.

He got electrocuted.

He got blown into all the wires.

He got blown into all the wires.

And he kept going.

It was kind of like as he went up, it was kind of like,

what's it called in Doctor Strange Love?

Guy dropped on the bomb.

Cowboy on the bomb.

Cowboy on the bomb in his head.

Slim pickings.

Slim pickens.

You know what we're going to do?

But it was reverse Slim Pickens just going up into the clouds.

I hope you earned a valuable lesson about actually asking for help.

Yes.

This is sort of a bystander effect that no one...

We have learned our lesson.

Okay, great.

And let's just do a moment of silence.

Can we watch the video?

We can, but one moment of silence in honor of the teacher.

We haven't had a moment in silence in 50 minutes.

Okay.

When he was dying.

Don't laugh in the video.

Okay.

Moment of silence.

Oh, his family's coming in.

Yep.

This is super serious.

Nobody laughs.

Do not laugh.

Do not laugh.

They're in mourning.

This is his family.

Yep.

It's a moment of silence starting now.

All right.

Why are they all eating chili?

Stop that.

Does that have to honor his memory?

Yes.

Does the whole family really like chili?

Ask him questions.

Okay, but I'm just wondering because they're eating a lot of chili.

Oh, no.

Oh, too much chili.

Oh, no, it's happening again.

I'm eating too much chili.

Sorry, no, I made the video start playing.

Turn it off, turn it off, turn it off.

Turn it off.

Well, he's eating chili in the video, too.

I don't think this is on us.

See

one, two, three, four, hate Riddle Riddles Clue Cruise.

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