#363: Stuart Big

This is a head gum podcast.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

It was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an ice cream.

And of course, the name crying.

First it

Hey, so, um,

so look, like, I know, like, it's, like, not coup or like uncouth or like not cool to, like, kind of beg, but, like, I really want to be Pope.

So, like, it went, if, like, when they vote for Pope, like, next vote,

could you guys, like, vote for me?

Or

um no no no no no no no no it's no no no it's it's cool that was a joke oh

yeah i was why you're crying then man oh you guys thought i was serious about wanting to be pope no

went to party city and bought a pope outfit seems like you really had your heart set

yeah no yeah no yeah i mean no yeah no yeah

who do you guys think should be pope um i think whoever wants at least, I think anyone who doesn't ask for it, like

we want sort of like a nope pope, right?

Like someone

Jordan Peele.

Ooh, yeah.

I think he might kind of want it.

Who would be a better pope?

Keegan Michael Key or Jordan Peele?

This is unfair.

It's unfair to pit them against each other.

They work so well as a team.

All right, well, then they give double pope.

The first black pope is two black popes.

And they're hilarious.

Oh, they would do so many funny pope sketches.

Oh, Blope.

Blope would be one of them.

Yep.

First black pope.

A little on the nose to follow up Nope with Blope.

Well,

I just know sure as shit it's not going to be you, man.

Hold on.

I want to exit this bit for a second.

If Jordan Piel's next movie was called Blope, and it was about a black pope, I think people would be like, wait, what's going on?

I actually think that would be interesting fodder for a movie for him.

I would love to see him go into like a religious tour movie theme.

I just don't think

it could be called Blope.

I think it could be.

I think the Black Exploitation movie is due for a return.

What was the

movie?

Black Klansmen from a few years ago.

I felt like that was.

They were like, hey, we're going to bring it back.

And people were like, I don't know.

I don't know if we're ready for this.

Why you'd make a terrible pope?

Oh, boy.

Well, this this is the show Hayward over on JPC.

That's Adol, and that's Aaron over there.

And Aaron, this is a show about riddles.

Obviously, it's a show about puzzles.

It's improv.

And Aaron is about to tell me, JPC, why I would make a terrible pope.

Well, I mean,

as soon as I said that, the list got longer and longer in my head.

But I would like to focus on, you know, how the pope can talk to God directly, allegedly.

Allegedly.

I think it's not good for the pope to be able to talk to the devil directly, which is what you have access to.

So interesting.

Yeah, that would be, that would be hard to justify as the Pope.

You'd be, I want to say, Epop.

What's Pope backwards?

Epop?

Epop.

Epop.

None of us could ever know for sure at all.

We'll never know.

Let me have ChatGPT take a stab at it.

Can I ask you guys a question?

Yep.

Is it obvious to you at all that I watched Conclave this weekend?

No.

Okay.

It's obvious to me that you heard someone talk about Conclave at least.

Have you guys watched Conclave?

I haven't.

Okay.

Adam, what'd you think?

I thought it was very good.

I kind of didn't see the ending coming fully in terms of like, there's a reveal where I was like, whoa, I didn't see that coming.

But I did.

Daily TG makes everyone pasta.

John Lithgow is his third Rock from the Suns character.

That, I wish fucking people were brave enough to make choices like that.

I'm so sick and tired of movies these days.

People are not, people are cowards.

We need more crossovers.

Speaking of people being cowards, okay.

So, Aaron, not a spoiler for Conclave, but one of the things in Conclave is that, like, they're everyone's trying to, you know, bid to be pope.

Some people want it, some people don't.

But I think something that Stanley Tucci says is he's like, every cardinal deep down has already picked their name.

Like, if they were to become pope, you get to pick a pope name.

And I was like, I always thought that pope names, you had like a list of names that could be your pope name, but apparently it's not, it's, it's anything.

You can just, any name can be a pope name.

You just pick a new name, something that like means something to you or whatever.

It's like individual to the pope.

But Pope Francis, the last pope, the one that just died, he was the first Francis.

And the new guy, Leo, he's Leo the 14th.

I'm like, if you're like...

Why would you pick a 14?

Yeah, and people, some people say it like signals to like the last Leo and he was this way and he's like, you know, he wants to like, this is my Pope politics and I'm calling back to it and yada, yada, yada.

But yeah, if you could pick an original name, why wouldn't you be like the only pope who's ever been friends?

I'm picking one of your names.

Ooh.

I'm Pope John Patrick Cohen.

Oh, I thought you, one of my names, you met one of my character names.

I thought you're going to be like Pope Lil Monkey Bones.

No, I'll leave Pope Lil Monkey Bones to the devil's work.

I would love it if a Pope was like, you know what?

I'm going to be Pope Barack Obama I.

That would be awesome.

And like Barack Obama was like, well,

I kind of, aren't I Barack Obama?

And they're like, no, this one.

I'm not anymore.

And I'm

Pope.

Sorry.

And I'm the first.

I feel like a casual, like Pope Chuck or something

would be fun.

And this, and Leo, who is, we all made hay of this, is like a Chicago Pope.

That's like perfect for like Pope Chuck.

Yeah.

I guess Chuck's not really like a Chicago.

And Adol, I'm so excited for a casual Pope coming to CBS this fall.

Yes.

We're very excited.

Speaking of Third Rock of the Sun, French Stewart is going to be.

Ooh.

Oh.

Yeah, but Aaron.

And Pope has a nagging wife.

Here's the thing.

French Stewart is playing Italian Stewart on the show.

So

he's going to be doing the hands and the fingers.

And it's set in Queens.

Where is it set?

Have we had a French Stewart?

That might be the first French Stewart.

I think so.

Pope French Stewart I?

Yeah.

Because Stuart Little was the mouse.

First of his name.

Okay, did we even see if Stuart Little was available to be the Pope, or is he dead?

How long does Michael?

Is there a Stuart Big?

The existence of a Stuart Little belies the existence of a Stuart Big.

There simply must be a Stuart Big.

Stuart Little is dead, Aaron, but he was sainted.

So within Catholicism, it is Saint Stuart.

Well, what do I pray to him for?

Let's see.

He is patron saint of tiny little red cars.

Driving tiny little red cars.

What else do we know about him?

Who voiced it?

That's literally all we know about him.

Thank you, driving little red cars.

Okay, that's a funny, that is a very niche sketch idea that you, all you young people pursue it in comedy out there.

You're 24, you have a sketch idea.

You're about, you're with your friends, you rent a car.

This is the sketch.

You're with your friends, you rent a car.

It's a tiny little red car.

You're not feeling so safe.

And someone's like, well, we should pray.

And then they pray to Stuart Little, the patron tape of driving.

If you're 24 and you know who Stuart Little is, like something's gone deeply wrong in your upbringing, I would say.

No, that's part of the zeitgeist still, right?

I can't believe Prince wrote that song about Stuart Little.

Oh, Raspberry Beret.

Yeah, it wasn't Little Red Corvette, it was Raspberry Beret.

So stupid.

All right.

Hey, you you guys, we got to do it.

Do you want to do some riddles today?

No.

I'll humor some, like a dessert menu when I'm full.

I'll humor it.

Yeah, we'll at least see some riddles.

Bring the riddles to the table and we'll kind of

tame them on for a while.

We might get one riddle, three spoons.

One riddle, three spoons is also such a good name for our podcast that we have.

Dang, dang.

You know what I want to do?

I want to work in a breakfast restaurant and push the dessert menu on people like they do at regular restaurants.

When you're like, okay, I know what that's about.

You got to save room for dessert.

Let me get the menu.

But no, no, like, is it like pancakes and French toast?

And you're like, no, it's dinner dessert.

It's cheesecake and fucking crib brulee.

I have to be honest with you guys about something, about the state I'm in today.

Oh, let me guess.

California.

Yes.

How'd you know?

Because I've been my usual house.

It's just my usual house.

I am.

I was a little bit stressed out because right after we're done recording, literally the second that we're done, I don't know if you can tell, I'm putting bags and dog in a car and I'm driving to Chicago from California.

Starting has to get out.

She has to get out.

And I thought last night I should get a good night's sleep because I'm about to drive across the country.

I did not sleep.

Oh.

So I'm feeling a little, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

So two spoons for the riddle, please.

I will not be needing one.

Let me ask you about your cross-country trip

that you're making.

Are you driving this with anyone else?

I am.

Okay, good.

Okay, because otherwise I was going to say, go ahead and cancel that drive.

Why?

You think I can't do it?

Yes.

If someone was like, I'm about to drive cross-country and last night I didn't sleep, I'd say, hey, don't get behind the wheel of a car.

I'll tell you that much.

I really enjoy every time

Jem and I do a road trip, it'll be like, well, switch off every three hours.

And then it's me driving for 12 hours.

Right.

And I'm going to be the one driving for most of it.

But today we're going a short distance.

Yeah.

It's going to mark a long distance.

Yeah.

I like a three days Chicago to L.A.

or like three trunks of driving if I can.

I've done two and two is...

Two is just on the verge of too much.

And I'm going to do four days.

Well, like four and a half days.

Do Do you already know where you're going to stop?

Ish.

So I'm going to stop

in Vegas tonight.

So we're just going to do like the first five hours.

Vegas baby.

Yeah, swinger.

Vegas baby.

And then we're going to do.

That's my day three drive going out.

Stop at Vegas and then you're there in LA in like five hours.

It's

a breezy one.

That's a fun stop on the way back, especially, I think.

And then the second day, I want to be like

drive as long as we can type vibes

and hope end up somewhere in Colorado.

I hope.

And then Wednesday morning, the person I'm driving with has a job interview in the morning.

So we'll just have like a little Colorado morning

drive.

I think get to like

have that be a slightly shorter day, get to like the very end of Colorado, Nebraska area.

And then Thursday is drive to Iowa, stopping to see a new friend in Iowa.

And then Friday, Iowa to Chicago.

And then I have a wedding on Saturday.

No, I didn't.

And then I did a minute.

I didn't want to interrupt, but congratulations on your new ABC sitcom, Little Colorado Morning.

Thank you.

I think that's going to be fun.

It's pretty dull.

It's just me.

It's like sort of a motel, and I run a motel.

No, no, it's fun.

We haven't written a single hard joke for it.

We told them that we would, though.

Oh, no.

That's bad.

The only thing I care about with a cross-country drive is not driving through the mountains at night.

Yeah.

If I can avoid that, even if you're like telling me, hey, there's going to be like an hour more traffic if you do it during the day, I'm like, you know what?

Still got it, still got to do it.

Cannot be driving.

If I lived in Colorado, I'd be like, yeah, maybe I could drive through the mountains at night.

I'm used to it.

But me, like a neophyte with all those fucking semi-trailers on the road, I'm like, no way, no way.

Yeah, I don't like driving through mountains anyway.

It's one of my biggest fears.

So this was,

I will not be doing it as soon as the sun goes down.

Aaron, I hope you stay at the famous clown motel.

Adel, I would rather die.

Look at me, Adel.

I would rather die.

I am not being hyperbolic.

I am not exaggerating.

I would rather die

than stay at a clown motel.

No, and I don't want you motherfucking.

And Adel, you go for my birthday, we're all going.

No, no.

Pass spray bottle, spray that.

For my birthday, we're all going to die at the clown motel.

This is not a joke, Adel, and I truly don't mean it to come off as one.

So I want to say this with sincerity.

Isn't any motel that you stay at jbc don't finish the sentence it's mean it's bullying what it's bullying you don't even know what i was gonna say any motel you stay at adult is a clown motel because you're a clown well adult that's not what i was gonna say and

riddles

riddles okay fine fine fine you win you must you must do one riddle you must do one riddle today aaron

And I only have six, so we're not doing any more than six.

I have these little cards, and I've already worked through all of them.

And so these are my last six.

Here we go.

Line by slow line, I am born in pain.

You dictate my shape, my place, and my name.

I cling to you closely and never let go.

I move with your movements, be they rapid or slow.

When you're hot, I perspire.

What chills you chills me.

I will always be with you.

I will never be free.

Got it.

TSA.

A tattoo.

A tattoo.

Aaron, it is a tattoo.

I'd like to see a scene.

Adel, you are a tattoo artist, and you've just given JBC a tattoo.

It was like a six-hour sitting.

JPC, you're seeing that tattoo, and it is not what you wanted.

Okay.

And finished the last.

All right, we are done.

Let me bring out the mirror.

Much like a barber does when he finishes a haircut.

Here we go.

Okay.

Let me get the angles on this.

Yeah.

What am I looking at here?

Oh, this is...

Was this pretty much what I'm saying.

Someone else's back.

This is...

This is your back.

This is my back.

Sorry, this is a normal mirror, not an enchanted mirror or anything, although.

Sure.

Okay.

We have stuff for sale.

So this is what you asked for, I think, pretty much.

Uh-huh.

This is Jafar from Aladdin, correct?

Yeah, that's right.

Okay.

And this is what you thought I asked for?

I thought that you asked for Jafar as a Chippendale, sort of a magic mic situation,

dancing on top of a Dennis.

So that's what you have here:

Jafar dancing on top of Adennis, which I think is pretty much what you said.

Holy God, I didn't even see the Dennis part.

Okay, so that's way bigger on the bottom.

Kind of going kind of into my ass.

Yes, and then talking back up to your crotch is Iago saying, squawk moons over my hamming.

Yeah, huh.

So,

so

could you pull up my email?

Sure.

Let me just...

Dear.

Okay.

Yeah.

Dear Terry's Tats, I would like a tattoo of my dead father to honor him and his military service.

You know what?

Let's just call this a noopsie.

This is for free.

Let's all get a good night's sleep.

We'll come back tomorrow.

We'll take a stab at it again, okay?

Well.

Can I take you for lunch or

should I be, I don't know, should I be sleeping?

It's also bigger than we talked about.

I don't think so.

Let me check the email.

Well, hey, look, let's that well's run dry.

I don't mean to be, you know, kind of a dick to anyone.

You're at work.

Like, I get it.

You have a job.

It's obvious you messed up a little.

My dad's military service really meant a lot to me.

Is there any way you can take what you've done, which is beautiful in its own way?

Thank you.

Looks like Jafar.

Can you write that as a review, please?

I won't.

Jafar on top of a Denny's.

Is there any way that you could change this and alter this to maybe make it look somewhat like the prompt that I kind of gave you?

What if I changed Denny's to daddy's?

So it's Jafar as a Chippendale magic bike situation dancing on top of a daddy's.

Now, of course, Iago saying squawk moves over my hammy won't make sense.

You keep saying Chippendale, but it's less of a Patrick Swayze and more of a rescue ranger, it seems.

Because he's wearing a Hawaiian shirt.

Solving crime.

Someone messing up and then saying, you know what is just perfect.

You know what?

I think, here's my tick.

I don't have any tattoos.

If I went to get a super complicated tattoo and they gave me just completely the wrong tattoo, For me, I'm probably the best person you could do that to.

Because I think I would shrug and say, well,

serves me right.

You'd say, you know what?

You know what?

You know what's even better than a tattoo I wanted?

A really weird, bad tattoo I didn't want.

That's actually for me, like a way back.

Because then people see the tattoo and they're like, that's an interesting thing.

Why did you do that?

I'm like, you know what?

It was a big mistake and not even mine.

I trusted the wrong man.

I would love if you and I ever were in a high-stakes bet, right, JPC?

And I bet.

Let's do it.

I would like, if I win, whatever that bet is,

to get to control a tattoo that you get.

And I won't even pick what it is.

I will let,

I will, I'll write a hundred horrible ideas and then I'll plug them into a wheel and we'll spin the wheel.

We do this, Aaron.

Stuart Big wins.

Stuart Big.

All right, Aaron.

I want you to get it.

It's all Stuart Big.

I'm plugging Stuart Big into the wheel 100 times.

I do think that we need to, eventually, Aaron.

What?

Before we're 40, if we haven't found anyone, you and me,

we do.

okay?

I'm talking about fighting anyone like CBS's tracker.

Oh, I see.

We have to do some sort of high-stakes bet where we each pick a revenge tattoo that the other person has.

I love it.

I would get a weird tattoo that you picked.

I think I would too.

I think that I would get a weird tattoo that either one of you picked.

I think that you would do it with enough grace and nastiness that it would be.

And gusto.

And gusto.

Grace and nastiness.

I think my only qualifier is it would need to be in a place where I could conceivably cover it up easily.

Yeah, I think that's fine.

On my back or something.

Honestly, chest, yes.

Yeah.

You want to be able to, while you're wearing a swimsuit, show people to go, you know, JPC,

famous, notorious serial killer.

He actually picked out a joke tattoo for me, and I get to show it.

Yeah.

I think it would be like, if I'm wearing like

shorts and a t-shirt, you can't see it.

But if I'm wearing a bathing suit, you absolutely should be able to see it.

I think it's that kind of tattoo.

New review crew?

No.

This has to be motivated from like we need to be on tour together.

Yeah.

And we need to fall through our hotel room into a tattoo shop.

I don't know how it will happen.

It can't be as low stakes as we need one of 12 ideas for a month.

So

I will either get a tattoo of either of your ideas,

which you have before.

Or, or, yes, 100%, JJ May to Faye, or I will

tattoo one of you two with your idea.

So either you have an idea and I'll be the tattoo artist.

I would love if you gave me a tattoo.

And the whole time you're like, I'm so sorry.

Does it hurt?

Okay, stop.

I'm so, I'm so sorry.

Oh, God.

I'm sorry.

You're bleeding.

You're bleeding.

Right.

You can draw pretty well, right?

Your handwriting's amazing.

I have

good handwriting.

So good.

I have solid handwriting.

My artistry is.

Well, then the tattoo is a a word.

I'll let you write whatever word you want on my

ribcage.

But ribcage?

What do you want to write, Adult?

Live,

laugh,

fuck.

Yeah, okay.

Does it have a question mark after fuck?

Because that's quite good.

Question mark after all of them, I think.

If I'm going to get a tattoo, give Aaron a ribcage tattoo that is a word.

It's got to be like a website.

It's got to be like,

it's got to be like squarespace.com or something.

Okay.

Nope.

Oh, yeah.

Put a QR code on me.

Have people been catching QR codes yet?

I think so.

I think people have been doing it.

Oh,

I think one of the most fun tattoos I've ever seen was on someone's calf, and it was like 50 odd dots.

And they're all numbered, and it was a connected dots.

And when you connect it, it was a giraffe.

And I thought that was fun.

Oh, I love that.

That was so cool.

And the person always had a marker, had a washable marker on it.

Oh, I love that.

I want a tattoo that is a QR code.

And when you scan the QR code, it's a picture of a duck giving the middle finger twice wearing sunglasses.

Aaron, you know how some people have like their Instagram tag on like the back of their car so you can see their car Instagram?

I think we get that for you as a tattoo, but it leads to an Instagram that has been like removed for violating like community rules.

You're like, what was on there?

So you have a permanent tattoo to a dead Instagram.

I love it.

Are there.

I know there's Calvin's pissing.

Are there Hobbs shitting?

Well, now.

I can bring you love and comfort.

I can bring you death.

Very short riddle here.

Bring you love and comfort.

I can bring you death.

This one is...

A hug around the neck.

It's not a hug.

A hug around the neck.

I've been using these cards for like the last year of episodes that I've been doing.

This is one of the wildest ones that I have seen.

Wild.

I can bring you love and comfort.

I can bring you death.

Is this like the human heart or something?

Or is it like, is it like

cake?

Like

fats?

No, no.

Sugars.

It's

heat.

Life.

It's done.

No.

Give us a hint.

So I guess this is like technically like wordplay in that like each thing is like the same word, but a different meaning of the word.

Can you read the question one more time?

I can bring it up.

Also, look, I don't want to yuck anyone's yums.

I've created riddles.

Riddles are hard, but this seems pretty low effort.

Like, the last riddle that I read was like eight lines all meaning the same thing.

This is two.

I can bring you love and comfort.

I can bring you death.

I think it's way too general.

That's my take on this riddle.

It needs to be more specific.

A spouse.

Sorry.

But that happens from time to time.

Okay,

can I add some more stuff?

Well, no, that'll give it away.

I'm trying to think of other

things this word could be.

Oh,

I can bring you love and comfort.

I can bring you death.

I have one, but I think it gives it away.

Bring you love and comfort.

I can bring you death.

Oh, I can bring you the dead of night.

Okay.

I can.

I can

sleep.

no it's not sleep

uh closing your eyes

dead of night I can

oh uh

oh boy I don't even know time it's not time

I can

make your golf score worse

booze alcohol I can bring you love and comfort I can bring you death I can bring you the dead of night Erin you're so close I can make your golf score worse.

Wait, what did Aaron say?

Swing?

Swing.

She said swing.

Swing.

That's not swing.

I think the golf one is probably the one that gets you there easiest.

T.

No.

Clubs.

What would make your score worse in golf?

Aaron was close with swing.

Strokes.

Weak arms.

Strokes.

Love and comfort.

A pet.

A stroke might kill you.

Yeah.

Stroke of midnight.

Wow.

Midnight, not really the dead of night, as I was thinking, but like I was, you wouldn't say the stroke of two.

It's a stroke of midnight.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay, next red.

I do want to see a scene.

Oh, sure.

Aaron, you are a pet owner.

JPC, you are Aaron's pet.

And

Aaron, you've had this pet for a few months and you've never pet it once.

And the day has come where the pet's finally had enough.

Well, good night.

Sorry, you're making some noises.

Do you need another blanket or

okay, that's fine.

Oh, Jesus Christ!

What?

What the fuck?

What?

You gotta ask people.

What are you talking about?

I'm on the other side of the bed.

Uh,

somebody grabbed my ass.

No, Ringo.

No, they didn't.

Okay, honey.

I guess I'm crazy.

Ringo, just curl up, go to sleep.

You're not in your crate anymore.

You're on the bed.

You made a fuss about the crate.

Sweetie?

Hey, sweetheart?

You want to grab my ass?

Just ask.

This is the last time I get ass.

I get it.

I'm looking at my ass all day thinking, how about

I love to get a paw full of that?

This is the last time I get a New York dog.

It's fine.

It seems like you kind of want someone to grab your ass.

Your ass, Ringo.

Yeah,

I do.

I just don't wanna be surprised by it.

Okay, well, that's great.

Good to know.

What if I came up to you when you were in the shower and I

broke your leg?

Ringo,

you have done that.

Well, and what did you say?

I said, ow, that hurts, Ringo.

Your dog trainer told you not to do that.

So turn about's fair play, Twitz.

And the Oscar

for best portrayal of a raunchy dog in a Seth McFarlane Ted-like movie goes to.

Oh, this is a stacked category.

Okay.

Al Pacino as Ringo the dog.

You've got to be fucking kidding me.

Pacino's.

Wait a second.

That's me.

Oh, my God.

He's still a character.

Pacino's still a character.

He got lost in the middle.

He's driving his ball on the carpet.

I'm never not going to be this dog.

Same.

I'm 90 years old.

I have a newborn infant child.

What's the name of the guy that got stuck as Elvis?

Austin Butler.

Austin Butler.

He Austin Butler.

That's what I wanted to yell.

He got stuck as Elvis.

He got stuck.

It was really scary.

You guys forget how scary that was.

He got stuck as Elvis.

Oh, yeah.

He was in that Apple TV show about pilots in World War II.

It was really scary, guys.

Hey, I'm one of the Air Force.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Terrifying.

Hubba Harkin and Hubbard O.

Now, Aaron.

Yeah.

Adam.

If we're going along the lines, if this is like a college, you know, SAT test of like kittens are to cat as puppies are to dog.

Right.

Austin Butler is to Elvis.

What celebrity playing a character would you like to see them get to?

Where the fuck is that character?

Yeah.

I would say Kate Blanchette is Gladriel.

That's such a good answer.

I love it.

I mean, Ian McCallan is Gandalf.

Yeah.

It's got to be Lord of the Rings.

Lord of the Rings is a great universe for that to happen to, but

as the day goes, I will come up with funnier and funnier answers.

Andy Circus is Smeagol.

I think a lot of the Lord of the Rings ones work.

What about Michael Keaton's Jack Us?

That's awesome.

That's a good one.

Oh, okay.

So speaking of SATs,

Snickers are to bites as Kit Kats are to.

Oh, breaks.

That's stupid.

But I like it.

But yeah, it's time for a break.

Give me a break.

Adult just bites Kit Kats.

Can we talk about that some more?

So weird.

Sorry, Adult.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get on camera?

No, sorry.

I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adela and Erin, make eye contact.

Wink, wink, wink.

No.

Well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace.

For all your goofs and slips and gags.

It's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

Whether you're just starting out or scaling your business or hitting yourself hard in the junk with a rail, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times.

Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall.

Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys in like your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Huh?

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics.

JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word how you pronounce it.

Analytics because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools.

We can review website traffic, we've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com/slash Riddle for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

JPC, why don't you do a flip-oll-over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try it one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

I like it less.

Jealous much.

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it.

And everyone says he was.

And I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting.

That my experience with the Emperor.

His clothes are awesome.

Addle.

Your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

No.

Actually, we don't pay with limbs.

We pay with money.

But this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

This is from Quince, my good lady.

I love Quince.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Touch, please touch.

Starting at just $60.

That's bonkers.

$60?

Yeah, $60.

Their denim is durable and fits right.

And their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

I have sheets from Quince.

I got a skirt from Quince.

I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy?

That's clearly like Simard's little brother, like Nathan, Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

And what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like, it's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes.

Um, it's, it's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those like riding boots in a minute, and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash Riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day day returns that's q u i n c e dot com slash riddle free shipping and 365 day returns quince.com slash riddle adle i have got aaron on a joke website i'm about to sell her chocolate boots i think she's gonna walk around yum yum yum yum yum i will stay and watch this

eats them like cookie monster

hey adult hey aaron um

Can I tell you something that I'm kind of like ashamed of?

Yeah, of course, always.

When I was a kid, all of my two brothers all of our birthdays are within a month and it's all around christmas time so we used to just get like christmas birthday gifts and sometimes we would just get like combo gifts together and i would always

tell my brothers that we could pool all of our money together and just get one big lego and then i would insist on doing the lego and putting it together myself

how do you put together one big lego

Oh, I guess it's more like an expensive Lego kit, not one big Lego block.

I mean, you didn't really understand finances.

You didn't have anything like Acorns Early when you were growing up, so how are you supposed to know?

Hee, hee, he.

Hey, kids, it's me.

Birthday Santa.

Birthday, Santa?

That's right.

You're real?

Yes, and I want to tell you about Acorns Early, which is something JBC, it sounds like you and your brothers wish you had.

Yeah, we could have used.

Yeah, absolutely.

Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

Oh, so cool.

You can start with In-App Chores Tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

Kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with Acorn Early's early spending limit and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

And I mean, I would have loved having this growing up.

I would know way more about money than I do right now.

Right, right.

I mean, but I'm like a newer thing like i'm for kids who have birthdays around christmas

but all kids could but anyway piggy banks are cute and great for loose change quarters etc but these days there's so much more that kids need to know about money he he acorns early makes it easy to teach kids lifelong money skills that they can actually use in the real world and i love the acorns early app i've played around in here my kids a little too young to start it right now because they're kind of like a little toddler but i'm so excited for them uh to be able to use features like this because I think like being able to track all of these things when you are young and have money literacy at a young age is so, so, so important to being a you know person that exists in the world nowadays.

Well, I'm a person that exists in the world.

Who said I wasn't?

Yeah, no,

anyway, if you're ready to teach your kids the smart way to earn, save, and spend, get your first month on us when you head to acornsearly.com slash hayriddle or download the Acorns Early app.

That's one month free when you sign up at acornsearly.com/slash hey riddle.

Acorns Early Card is issued by Community Federal Savings Bank, member of FDIC, pursuant to license by MasterCard International.

Free trial to new subscribers on the subscription fee starting from $5 per month, unless cancel terms apply at acorns.com/slash early terms.

Hee hee hee

oh, Santa needs to lay down.

I mean, I mean, birthday Santa needs to lay down.

Love whatever your thing is, man.

Don't stress.

Okay, you guys ready for some more riddles?

I guess.

I guess.

Yeah, I guess so.

Would you rather do a segment?

Yes.

Great.

It's time for everyone's favorite segment, Riddle Rewind.

Today's riddle comes from episode 363.

Okay, the riddle rewind is.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I can bring you

I can bring you death.

Bring you love and comfort, bring you death.

Is this like a blanket?

Wait, that's this week.

Aaron, what are you talking about?

I can bring you love and comfort.

I can bring you death.

I want to say swing.

Aaron, that's correct.

It's a swing.

Swings are very comfortable, but you could also, if you don't hold on to the bars, die on a swing for sure.

I hate to give a note on a segment, obviously.

Okay.

However.

But I'm all ears, though.

I mean, I want the note.

The feedback makes me better.

I think more time should pass before you read a riddle we've done before.

Okay.

For this segment.

So I'm sorry.

Okay.

Yeah.

No.

So maybe wait a year and do that riddle again.

For over 15 minutes.

Yeah.

Okay.

Interesting.

Wait.

Feedback makes me better.

I'm hating.

God, I hurt his feelings and he's going to retaliate.

No, I'm excited to get better.

He's retaliating.

I'm excited to get better.

He's always retaliating.

That's his secret.

Whatever, he lives his life like he's getting revenge on us for something we don't remember doing eight years ago.

Sort of a Rambo situation.

Live my life like I'm getting revenge.

What does that make me think?

Oh, yeah.

The Kevin Smith tweet, the

we fuck like we're cheating on each other when his wife got to.

That's insane.

He said that?

He said that?

You don't know the famous Kevin Smith tweet.

Come on.

No, I don't.

I've talked about it on here before.

Casey, can you

Casey's R, what's the Joe Rokan guy?

I'm glad we don't know.

I'm glad we don't know.

No, the guy on Joe Rokan asks to look things up.

Yeah, Donald Trump.

Casey's our Trump.

Casey Trump, can you pull up the Kevin Smith tweet?

Can you put it in the chat for us?

Okay, thank you.

We'll have Aaron read it.

Of course.

I

was joking with Zorp recently that if he ever wrongs me, my revenge is going to be marrying him.

But when we get married, when I walk down the aisle, I'm going to sing down the aisle because that is the cringiest thing that comes the me.

Yeah, truly.

Here comes the me.

You guys, I don't have a high tolerance for cringe, but people singing themselves down the aisle is my favorite corner of the internet.

I cannot handle it.

Have you seen those videos?

Can you imagine?

And I'm not wanting to yuck anyone's yum, and I'm on the side of the people who do things.

And if you did that, I am not judging you, especially if you're a professional singer.

But these people who are choosing to do it are, they're walking down the aisle singing, God knows what.

You're already getting all the attention.

Why are we singing too?

Why are we singing?

And Aaron, are submissions still open for your first annual Edinburgh Cringe Festival?

Yes.

It is killing me to watch these submissions.

I'm dying slowly.

All right, Aaron, ready?

Let's read this Kevin Smith tweet, Aaron.

Let's get it over with, and then we can move on to Riddles.

Go ahead.

Okay.

Whenever you're ready.

Happy 10-year anniversary to Kevin Smith's disgusting sex tweet.

10 years in, and we bone each other like we're cheating on each other with each other.

A decade, oh, God.

No, I'm not going to read the rest.

Okay.

A decade plus with and her

blank, blank, blank, blank, blank.

Still blanks.

My blank.

That's...

Aaron, one of the smarter choices you've ever made on the show.

I agree.

Because you would clip it.

Of course.

Here's your next riddle.

You didn't invite any of these people.

And even though many of them are talking about you, as far as I know, you've no interest in talking to any of them.

I think they'd be very surprised if you did talk to them.

Where are you?

Vampire.

Vampire Prom.

Okay, I got a C.

Aaron Adel, you are chaperones at Vampire Prom, and you're trying to keep the vampires from doing anything too untoward at Vampire Prom.

Yeah,

michael michael's my boy oh well he's very sweet thank you unlike my boy who turned into a bat

and i don't know where he went

i mean that's i feel like you know the minute they sort of suss up that ability it's just morning noon and night bat bat bat bat bat it's disgusting i can hear him turning into a bat at all hours it's disgusting I've had to do so much laundry because

my Michael keeps turning into a bat and then pooping into his sock.

It's a lot lot of guano in his sock.

Hey, hey,

two feet apart.

No necks.

No

necks.

And no, let's not put any booze in the blood, okay?

Because that'll, I mean, kids.

Yeah.

I think

I mean, I'm not the one organizing these dances.

I'll admit, I'm not showing up to these PTA meetings.

But should we have had this be a mixer with the local school for children with too much blood?

i know and i know i'm not an expert on these things yeah i and i gotta say it feels like and i don't this isn't an accusation no yeah it feels like they're mocking us that that school feels like they're mocking us because they are the fighting too much bloods um their mascot is

someone fit to burst it's almost like a willy wonka yeah roll doll situation of like um who was the girl that filled up with all that blueberry juice Uh, Varuka.

Sorry.

Varuka, no, no, no, no.

Violet Beauregard.

That's right.

That's right.

So it does feel like the school is mocking us, but probably, I mean, it's like they're, I mean, like,

obviously we are trying to encourage our kid, but like, they're setting us up for failure here.

Yes.

Um, Michael has been biting Capri Suns, he's been biting squeeze-its just to get in the habit, but I feel like he needs this first kill or he's gonna go crazy.

Hey, hey,

you have to be invited in.

You can't just walk in.

You have to be invited in.

You can't just walk in.

Do you go here?

You're like 20.

You're like 20 years old.

I mean, sorry, you're like 2,000.

20 vampire years is 2000.

See?

Oh, I said seen.

I said seen, but I said it in vampire, which is just blah.

How many years of vampire did you take?

You took it in college, right?

I know.

And it's like, truly, I wish that I had immersed myself in vampire society so that I could have, you know, actually used it.

But if you don't use it, you lose it.

Yeah, you gotta, you gotta do it studying abroad.

I was, what, was I in an elevator at a Target the other day, and there were two people speaking vampire, and I was like, I don't understand a single word that they're saying.

And it's crazy.

15 years ago, Aaron, I would, I would have known everything.

Can you still like recognize it in writing?

Or is it just, is it all gone?

If I take my time.

Right.

And then sometimes I still dream in vampire.

I don't know if you guys get that.

Oh, that's crazy.

I'll be like in my dream, and I'll be like, this isn't my blah.

My blood is like double the blah of this blah.

Well, try to translate this because a vampire left this note on my pillow the other day.

You could just try to translate that for me.

Oh, sure.

Okay.

Looks like.

Oof.

Looks like the mosquitoes already run through this bitch.

Whoa.

I

was that a note to other vampires?

It wasn't to her.

Yeah, I'm assuming this was mostly on your headboard.

Oh, that's brutal.

Vampires beware.

She's not.

Community notes.

There's probably like a next door for me.

It looks like the mosquitoes already ran through this bitch.

Try somewhere else, everybody.

Okay,

you didn't invite any of these people.

And even though many of them are talking about you, as far as I know, you've no interest in talking to any of them.

I think they'd be very surprised if you did talk to them.

Where are you?

What are those called?

Not like a group where you're testing something, a testing group.

What is the group?

In what context is this?

You like, you write a TV show and then you show it to people and they're behind glass and you hear them talk about it.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

And now none of us can think of what that thing is called.

Yeah, what is that called?

I've partook in that before.

A focus group.

Focus group.

A focus group.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that.

No, it is not a focus group.

Ah, then why would we even talk to you about it?

I was so, I was interested in what that thing was called.

Oh, is it like a play?

It's not a play.

Because they've been talking about

it.

Great.

I'd like to see a scene.

JPC, you are doing a monologue in a play, and now you're in the audience, and you're just like sort of starting to engage and respond with what he's doing.

Looking at my hands,

knowing what these hands have done, I cannot help but ask myself, why?

Why?

Is this who I've become?

What?

What have your hands done?

Is this the man that I've become?

Do I continue living my life in such a way?

Yes.

I am not afraid of what comes

next.

You're gonna get killed in the third act.

I've seen this play.

Run!

I'm not afraid of what comes next.

My destiny.

I must approach, even though I have done horrific things.

I must be the man I am meant to be.

You won't.

Your son dies too, and you.

And then you find out, and then you die.

So.

Greg, stop.

Stop.

I'm helping.

I don't think so.

This is immersive.

I've seen it.

I've seen it on the news.

They say it's immersive theater.

If there is

but one regret that I have in my life,

it's that I haven't told the people that I care about.

That I care about them as much as I do.

Aww.

And I will...

I thank you.

I,

Greg.

Honey, I'm going to stand up.

No, don't.

Honey, let go of my shirt.

Honey, let go of my shirt.

What are you doing?

You auditioned me.

Are you cold?

Are you cold?

You auditioned.

You didn't get in.

You auditioned.

You didn't get in.

Well, that's not the same thing.

They didn't.

Wait, they never said no.

Are you here with both of us?

Oh, shit.

Who is this woman?

Who is this?

Who the fuck is this?

Oh, my God.

I'm his wife.

Word to I.

I'm his wife.

Word to I.

Guys, I'm doing a soliloquy, please.

Oh, my God.

Our rings are the same.

Oh, my God.

You look like me.

Oh, God.

You look exactly like me.

God.

Oh, okay.

Well, now I understand why you didn't get into the play.

Yeah, now I understand why he didn't get into the play and why he's gone for like half the time.

Yeah.

Forsooth.

Should we kiss just to see?

Oh, shit.

No, not in front of you, Paper.

He starts, it's his big moment.

He gets up on stage.

And then his two wives are kissing, and he's like, Holy, hold on,

you didn't invite any of these people.

And even though many of them are talking about you, as far as I know, you've no interest in talking to any of them.

I think they'd be very surprised if you did talk to them.

Where are you?

Oh, schizophrenia.

Guys, guys, guys.

What?

What?

What?

What?

We have done this on the show very recently.

No way.

Oh, oh, um, a stroke.

A play.

No, it was a Patreon episode.

A funeral.

It's your own funeral.

It's at your own funeral.

Yes, it's funeral.

Patreon.com/slash shader riddle if you want to hear our funerals.

Very, very fun episode.

I hide behind a row of tiny stars.

Without my help, you will not pass.

Gandalf.

Amen.

Did you hear that?

Magneto got stuck as Gandalf.

Sad.

He couldn't get get past it.

These riddles are

driving me crazy.

I hide behind a row of tiny stars.

Without my help, you will not pass.

One of the words that I said in there is a word that is in the answer.

Star.

Isn't that crazy?

A shooting star.

A star.

Falling star.

Star Scarred.

This one I like.

I know I shouldn't be judging these riddles, but I like this one quite a bit.

I hide behind a row of tiny stars.

Without my help, you will not pass.

Like a Mario level, like

no.

I hide behind a row of stars.

This is something that I think most people encounter in their everyday,

in your day-to-day activities, especially if you're

using like a computer.

If you were not using a computer, you probably wouldn't encounter this password.

Clippy?

Password error.

Oh, yes.

Clippy.

A row of tiny stars.

I'm so fucking tired of running into Clippy.

So awesome.

JPC,

you're on a date, and it's going well.

You're in a car, like kind of with the date dropping them off, and you're about to make out with them.

And Aaron, you're Clippy, and you pop up to help out.

Great.

And I'll play the date.

Jason, this was awesome.

I had such a good time.

Hell yeah.

you, right?

Yes,

this is me.

I will.

So, oh, do I have your number?

Let me check real quick.

Yes, yes, I do.

Okay.

Okay.

Oh, cool.

Well, I

look forward to hearing from you.

Okay, here's me reaching for the door handle.

Hi.

Hey, why don't.

Hi.

Seems like you're looking to try to get it in.

Do you need some help?

Um, hey, uh,

sorry about that.

I have, I have this new

I see that you're trying to land the plane, so to speak.

Do you need some help?

Yeah, this is with the newer Subarus, they have like this like automated like feature.

It's like it does like driver assist and stuff like that, too.

So it's

I see that you're a little bit hard.

Oh, call me.

Should I let him know?

I'm a, I'm, uh, I'm a.

I'm trying to, I'm trying to ding.

Okay, cool.

Thanks for pressing my button.

We're off to a great start.

Feels like you're interested in me joining you.

Okay.

Oh,

the doors won't open.

Can I?

Oh, yeah.

So it's like a safety feature.

Oh, you know what?

Let me just, if I put it in drive and then park, and drive and park, drive in.

Okay, so it's not working.

Seems like you're letting her know that you are not a very controlled or good lover.

Should I give you suggestions on how to change her mind?

Yeah, okay.

This is.

This is a man.

I don't know if I didn't do the settings right.

I'm pretty sure when I bought the car, I signed gay.

In fact, why did they ask me me that?

Are you gay?

Yeah,

why is Subaru ask me?

Happy Pride.

Do you need help landing the plane?

No, I'm actually good.

You know what?

Jason, I had a lovely time, and

I'd like to make out if you would like to make out.

Yeah,

yes.

Yeah,

it seems like you're writing a resume.

Do you need my help?

Are you writing a resume while kissing me?

I don't like that.

Hey, I told you that my work is very stressful, and the things that relax me also kind of propel my work.

Tongue is pretty common in this kind of thing.

Do you want me to play

a resume?

Hi!

Are you gay?

See?

All right, in Casey, go ahead and clip that one for me.

No, no.

Are you gay?

Casey, you don't answer to him anymore.

That's done.

I need to say hi.

Are you today?

That's going to go in my big book of Aaron's icebreakers.

Yeah, that's me at every party I ever go to.

Hi, are you gay?

Oh, God.

Hi, I see you're writing a word document.

Are you gay?

What?

Oh, okay.

Here's your next one.

When you stand, I disappear.

When you sit, I come back.

Once around the track.

Lap.

It is lap.

Would you have gotten it without that once around the track?

I think so.

Yeah.

I like to think so.

Isn't that the riddle that

old What's His Face does in GoldenEye?

Do you guys remember the movie Goldeneye that James Cumming?

Alan Cumming.

I think that Alan Cumming does that in GoldenEye.

No memory of that.

Remember when he,

for some reason, just has a tick where he can't stop clicking a pin and then James Bond gives him a pin bomb and counts how many times he clicks it until it detonates.

Yeah, it's like you click it once to detonate or once detonate and twice to disarm or something.

And he's just like clicking away at that pin.

And James Bond, God, the best part about James Bond is when like Q is like, here's a lighter.

It only works underwater and it emits a small frequency and it'll drive one fish insane.

And he's like, he gives it him and it's like, oh, yeah, right when he's about to die.

It's the perfect situation where this useless gadget would be useful.

GPC, almost as much as I love the hyper-specific gadgets, I love a villain who, for no reason, is like, yes,

Brainy Todd.

He always kicks whatever is red.

And it's like,

well, what are we doing?

That's a choice, not a defect.

Okay.

Hey, this is your last one of these set of hurdles, and it's a little bit of a longer one.

There's a lot of words on this card.

Here we go.

Here I lie, tail wrapped around me, like a circle of sleeping dancers now I am rising climbing the steep air like a storm tossed leaf I am like a sail I am like a bird kite

yeah it's kite

brother

I'm like a kite I have a roll on strings we weren't even halfway through I am the wind's darling I swoop and skim lift you could have just said I want to fly away

the lyrics that were there at all made sense for a kite dear god make me a kite so I can fly high.

But if I escape, I will fall.

Adel, I want to see a scene.

You are going to be, Aaron and I are going to be two people enjoying flying our kites

at the park.

You're going to be a man who has those, you know, those like big ribbon-cutting scissors, those like comically big scissors for like opening ceremonies.

Yeah, like opening a new mall or whatever.

You're going to be walking.

You're going to be walking around the park with those big

scissors.

And Aaron and I have heard about you before.

This is so nice.

Oh my God, look, it's the mayor.

Oh, no.

Ex-mayor, disgraced mayor.

Hello, kids.

How are we today?

Hi, former Mayor Garfield.

How are you today?

I love Mondays.

Okay, you have something behind your back.

Yeah, that's close enough.

We see that you have something behind your back, and we know that you got disgraced because you kept walking around town saying you want to get your money's worth out of these big, big scissors.

And you've been sort of giving people unwanted haircuts,

cutting people's curtains, running amok.

Circumcisions.

What?

We didn't want to mention the circumcisions.

That one kind of escalated the crimes.

If we were going to maybe, I mean, you were kind of like.

Yeah, as soon as you drew blood, it stopped being whimsical.

There were a couple of close calls when you were like giving people midriff shirts and stuff like that.

But yeah,

the circumcisions.

You say circumcisions form Garfield, but really

you were cutting people's penises off.

We don't don't need to go into fingers.

You just can't be accurate with scissors that big.

I see what you're doing.

My friend and I here were trying to enjoy flying our kites.

We made it ourselves.

So just please keep your distance and please,

you know.

Yes, of course.

I'll keep my distance from this kite with

long strings.

Mr.

Mayor, we don't want to have to do a funny little montage where we're dodging and we

can do it.

God damn it.

Run this way.

Run across screen.

We all of a sudden have the scissors and chase him.

Scooby-Doo.

Switch it back.

Oh, he stepped in a hole.

Oh, my God.

He impaled himself.

He impaled himself with the big, big scissors.

Former Mr.

Mayor, Arfield, what can we do?

Please, please.

There's no time.

I'm doomed.

Pass along this message to

my wife.

Someone have paper?

Do you have like...

Is it a long message?

It's not long, but I don't want it distorted.

Please.

Do you have like.

I have my phone.

I'll do it on my phone.

My phone recording.

No, I have a good memory.

I have a good memory.

Go ahead.

Maybe both put it in my phone.

Maybe both.

Maybe both.

Spit it out, Mr.

Mayor.

Does anyone have Advil?

Advil?

I think it's not going to respond by the time you're going to be.

By the time it works, it's going to be.

Yeah, you're dying right now.

Maybe just a bit of a drink.

get the message out to your wife.

Oh, is that my stomach?

I have such a headache.

Hold on.

I'm on his Wikipedia right now.

He does not have a wife.

He's jerking off.

He's jerking off.

No, dude, they're jerking off Montage.

It's just us walking away from it.

Scene.

Seed.

Scene.

Good riddance to dead mayor Garfield.

Hey, speaking of Garfield, this is coming out on a Wednesday, but we're recording it on a Monday.

So that's something, huh?

Yeah, I guess so.

Is that anything?

That's something.

Kick snarl or whatever.

Casey, can you play us one of our voicemail theme submissions, please?

Common decency, you actually just

wait.

I'm getting a call from the vet.

Oh, God.

Marbles, please be.

Hello?

Hey, it's Marbles.

Look, I made a big mistake.

I want you back, baby.

I know I broke up with you this morning, but uh, I want to take care of you.

I want to give you everything you ever wanted.

Go suck a duck.

Is that AI?

I have no memory of recording the show anymore.

I used to have such a good memory, and now it's just completely gone.

Aaron, you're going to be happy.

This is from Lucas.

Lucas says that they listened.

Well, they're a main demographic for this show because they are a grad student in the life science, life sciences,

uh, during their master's bio program.

And they almost lost an eye from working with a microscope and laughing so hard at our show one time.

And they said that they only want to plug their best friend Zuko, who is an avid listener.

Oh, hi, Zuko.

Zuko?

Sam?

Hi.

Sam.

Zuko from Avatar.

We love that.

If you want to submit a voicemail theme, 30 seconds or less, leave a WAV file.

HRRpodcast at gmail.com.

We always appreciate all of our submissions.

Casey, hit us with a voicemail.

Hey, team, Lane here, short-time listener who has almost caught up on all your episodes embarrassingly quickly.

I just got to the point where Erin has revealed that she's dating someone who you all have affectionately dubbed Zorp.

Perfect.

And the timing, coincidentally and canonically, lines up with when I got a new fish earlier this year who is actually named Dr.

Zorp.

So my question for you, Erin, is, are you dating my fish?

And if not, follow-up question is your zorp also a doctor and if not again a follow-up follow-up would you like to she is a doctor after all wow

oh my god

this is the best news ever it feels like they're kind of asking if aaron wants maybe like a zorp upgrade i'll take a zorp

aaron if you're dating a fish you have to tell us do i let's just say this weekend we went to a nice fish dinner

started screaming and called me a monster.

So if that answers your question, I don't know.

First of all,

someone's saying they want to take you out for a fish dinner and you're just eating little flakes out of the water and you're like, fuck.

I should have asked what type of fish dinner.

I'm begging.

you to send me a picture of Zorp the fish because

that what an honor what an honor Zorp the fish.

And yeah, I am dating a fish.

And no, they're not a doctor.

Aaron, every time you take Zorp out on a date, you pay market price.

Is that right?

I do.

Very expensive.

Interesting.

Aaron, you're trying to do it.

I'm just like a meet the parent situation where your Zorp is like a nurse, but like everyone assumes that.

Zorp's a doctor, but they're like, but Zorp is like really happy just being a nurse, right?

Yeah, I'm in a meet the parent situation in more ways than one.

And Aaron, go ahead.

I was going to say,

Zorp is a er doctor and when they said they're an er doctor and we're wearing er scrubs you said er they

i was just talking about i watched i was just talking about that

oh are they

um

i will say zorp has watched all of the pit

oh so if that they're not a doctor then i don't know they're not a doctor

All right.

Well, speaking of things that we would like to doctor from our own records, do we have anything that we would like to plug?

Erin, plugs.

If you are in Los Angeles and you want to check out Quality Time, it is a variety show that I host every month.

It's a different date every month, so you'll have to follow us on social media to find out what it is.

And we have different themes.

Like, we had a death doula at our last show that talked about alternative options

other than being cremated and buried of what you can do with your body when you die.

Like, it is a true variety show.

It's not just comedy and music.

I love it so much.

I have the best time watching the other acts every time I go.

So check that out.

Adel, anything to plug?

Yes, please come see us on tour.

We have some upcoming dates.

You can find those all at hayridaridle.com slash live, I believe.

And

I feel like we've mentioned it, but in our upcoming Seattle and Portland shows, Janet Varney will be joining us, our fourth host.

So look forward to that.

Also, Holo from the Magic Tavern is on tour, so you can check out those dates and tickets as well.

APC, anything to plug or promote or a review to read?

Yeah, let's read a review.

This one's coming from H.

Swanson Smith.

If you want to get a review featured on the show, just leave a five-star review anywhere you leave a review.

You might get yours picked for the show.

I picked H.

Swanson Smith's today.

It says a descent into beautiful madness.

A friend introduced me to the show in March.

I spent two months unable to listen to anything else.

My brain turned to mush.

I confused people around me by laughing at jokes they couldn't hear.

For several weeks, I made the show my shout out to the four people watching my Twitch stream.

I made the mistake of listening in the car with my toddler, which led him to repeating many new words.

I know it is not a show for kids.

I cannot always be a perfect mother.

This show might mildly ruin your life.

I cannot recommend it highly enough.

How dare you show this show to a baby?

I have half a mind to call CPS.

CBS.

To tell them that we got a new baby that has the perfect sense of humor for Casual Pope coming to CBS this fall.

Right after Little colorado morning

right after fbi miami and right before uh fbi uh jupiter

paw and order i think it's police dogs what else what else paw and order in a town where dogs have to solve crimes

you're gonna set it up

Finding your hate Riddle Riddle.

Hey there, Wallins and Warrens.

If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon.

We play the game that's definitely not named that tune.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there.

That was a hit gum podcast.