#357: Mumble Jerry & Drumple Teazus

This is a head gun podcast.

Pop, pop, George Santos, George Santos, Santos Claus, George Santos Claus, Santos Claus, Santos Claus,

George Santos Claus wrote a bad check for killing a dog.

You guys,

just as a heads up, Casey has been putting shit like this before the episode starts.

I don't know if people have been checking in.

If we say any nonsense before the the recording, and honestly, I support it, Casey.

It's funny.

It's funny when you do that.

All right.

But this comes out so far in the future that George Santos is probably, he's already probably found dead in his jail cell.

So we don't have the word.

And same with us as well, probably.

Yeah.

Excuse me, are you here to see the live taping of the Hay Riddle Riddle podcast?

Yes, I am.

I have a ticket here.

Great.

Thank you so much.

Very excited.

Eat that.

And

I'm actually in the show.

Oh,

Mr.

Refi, it is always a pleasure.

Please, my friends call me Shoki.

Oh,

isn't that your dad's name?

What's that?

Isn't that your dad's name?

Isn't that my dad's name?

Sorry, I shouldn't be asking you questions because you're

asking the questions today, huh?

Is that my dad's name?

I think so.

What's my middle name?

Shoki.

Okay.

But I think in Arab culture, sometimes your dad's name becomes your middle name.

Sometimes in Arab cultures, your dad's name becomes your middle name.

I have my ticket pulled up and I'm just sort of waiting for you to scan.

Ma'am, I'm talking to one of the stars of the show.

I don't want to interrupt you.

I just saw some of the other things.

So I have that middle name.

And then somehow my dad's name becomes my middle name.

Mm-hmm.

So my dad chose the name Shoki.

And then I was like, oh, fuck.

I forgot.

Now I'm called Shoki.

Can I just walk in?

No.

See my my tickets on my phone.

No, because you have to be photographed next to we, um, we actually brought in some penguins and put them in baseball gear just as like a fun stunt.

The penguins are actually biting a lot of people, but we do have to look at the music.

They look really upset.

They're pissed.

Wait a second.

In the email, the penguins are supposed to be dead.

These are supposed to be stuffed penguins.

Ma'am, I see your face.

We weren't going to kill penguins.

These are existing dead penguins.

Why are you using air quotes when you tell me this?

Oh, shit.

I forgot that people can see me in real life.

Usually I just do that on the podcast that I get away with.

Okay, can we give her the dead penguin treatment?

Can we make way, make way?

Well, my name is Aaron and I'm here to say

make way.

Oh, God.

Actually, I am going to head home.

I think.

I can't do this.

Man.

I can't do this.

No, no.

Co-host Aaron Keefe is right behind you.

Yeah, I know.

See you guys later.

Well, that was rude.

That was kind of crazy and rude.

Hey, JPC's here.

JPC, hey.

Wow.

Boys' names, JPC.

JPC calling something crazy and rude.

It really must have been crazy.

Where do I park my horse?

The horse is horny.

Puts up fist.

Park your horse right here.

Puts up fist.

That is something Adel would say.

Yes, Adle would say, fisting a horse, of course.

You know what JPC would say?

JPC would say, hey, it's JPC.

Welcome to Hang Rider Rottle.

That's Adel.

And over there is Aaron Keefe.

Help!

No, no, no.

No help for you.

Okay.

No help for you.

You guys go ahead.

After today's episode, call me Shoki.

Okay.

Call me Shoki.

I love that song.

I love that song.

I was going to say,

I'm I had one of the best nights of my life recently.

Oh.

Wait, Aaron, was this the magical 24 hours that we spent together?

Oh, no.

Well,

I actually contacted a priest after those 24 hours and I asked him if hell could be on earth.

And he said yes.

Thank you for having me.

You should have called a locksmith to get those fucking handcuffs off.

Okay.

I don't know why you weren't calling anybody.

You think I had a great time?

Me handcuffed to Aaron Aaron on her phone the whole fucking time.

Yeah, to try to Google how to get out of handcuffs.

Try to Google.

All right, man.

Whatever.

How was your name?

Whatever.

So I

went.

And Adult, you would have loved this.

I went to a community theater production of cats.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

I took an edible

and I went.

And I had, I beamed up to space is what happened.

Okay.

And now cats are stuck in my head.

It was.

It was so fun.

The people, I went with like seven people and everyone just decided to have the time of their lives.

And everyone, we were all dancing.

We were enthusiastic.

We bought cat ears for $3.

Oh, at the show.

At the show?

At the show.

Wow.

Smart.

You guys, it was a jellical ball.

I had the time of my life.

I did.

A lot of these seven people I had not met before.

And two moments happened that made me laugh so hard.

At the intermission, I was like,

I was the only one who was like really high, right?

Everyone else was sort of high high on life.

And I was, they're like, well, you're plugged into something that we probably can't see in this production.

And I was like, yeah, I mean, I'm really in it.

I really feel like they're cats or cats.

But also, I was like, I feel like I know what choreography is coming next.

I'm experiencing time in sort of a different way.

Oh, wow.

So I felt like if anyone were to have gotten hurt, I would have known what to do.

So I was sort of on that level.

And at the intermission, this

is

like,

You lost me on the someone gets hurt.

You know what?

Are you saying, like, you know, cat CPR?

What's going on?

No, no, like, if someone were to get hurt on stage, I could take over for them.

Oh, you could.

Okay, gotcha.

That makes sense.

That's the big concern.

Have you ever seen a live event if someone gets hurt on stage?

The big concern is, how do we keep the show going?

Yes, of course.

Well, I'm a vet, so I could treat the cats that are on the stage.

A woman that I had not met before.

I'm in a row of people, and everyone's like, who's your favorite cat?

And I go, well, right now, I think it's Mungo, Jerry, and Rumple Teasa.

And she went, huh?

Wait,

breed, or what did you mean?

No, like

a cat in the show, but I like mumble generally.

And then also I said those words and it, I felt so neck exposed, embarrassed, and I was like, no, you're right.

The sounds I'm making are nonsense sounds.

Aaron, say those two names again

as if you are high out of your mind.

Who are your favorite cats?

Right now it's probably Mumbo, Gary, and Drumple Teasas.

Okay, I hear it.

Yeah.

Mumbo, Jerry, and Drumple Teasas.

It made me laugh.

I have not stopped thinking about her going, huh?

I was like, yeah, that makes sense.

That checks out.

I'm saying nonsense words.

What is a jellical choice, Erin?

A jellical ball?

What is a jellical choice?

I don't know what a jellical choice is.

Because at the jellical ball, don't they

make a jellical choice?

Oh, well, they're choosing who gets to go to heaven.

And

they're deciding which cat.

And there's a cat that's like a bajillion years old that's like an acting cat.

Oh, Dame Judy.

Ian McCallan played in the movie.

Okay.

And acting cat.

So what does that mean?

Like the cat got sick, and they're like, okay, we're going to designate you acting cat.

He's like a lone survivor.

No, he was like,

did plays and stuff.

And

his introduction, he's like literally begging to die.

He's like, I'm so old.

I've been around for so long.

But then they send the cat that used to be beautiful, but but now is ugly and old.

James Dench.

No,

James Judy Dench

does not die at the end.

It's like the Jennifer Hudson cat who sings memory gets sent to heaven at the end of the show.

It's cats.

You guys, it's cats.

They all introduce themselves and then one of the cats goes to heaven.

Based on a book of poems.

Do you forget that because like LA is like where the professionals go to do, you know, acting and

the movies and the TV shows, that they also have community theater there as well.

It seems like the one place in the world where you wouldn't need that because you're like, whatever community you did the theater in, you leave that and then you come to LA to do the other things.

But it's

just everywhere.

They're not getting paid.

So it's people who have like other jobs.

That is fun.

Oh, that's so cool.

Aaron, that's so cool.

Here's what I think.

I think LA is the first time.

It's fun.

They like it.

They like it there.

That's not what I meant.

That's funny.

It's fun for them.

It's fun for them because they don't get any money for it.

So it's like, play.

It's like, I'll play for them.

You sound like Hitler.

Casey, beep Hitler.

Don't let me be saying Hitler.

Aaron, you sound like Hitler.

Go to the zoo with Aaron and she's like, the monkeys are so happy.

This is like their natural habitat.

They're thrilled.

This is not something that like actors who are like, they're not trying.

This is not like.

actors who are working in LA.

Wow.

You guys get what I'm saying?

They're doing it for the love of the game.

They love it.

Wow.

Here's what I think.

I'm digging in a deeper, deeper hole.

I get it.

I think LA is so saturated with success and celebrity that it's gone back the other way.

Because it's like you can walk into any restaurant and see John Hamm and Rosie Perez clinking glasses.

They love restaurants, those two.

They love little dums.

Big restaurant heads.

So when you can see anybody you have ever seen in your life anywhere on the street, it's now fun to go see like like

bad productions.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I've got to see you.

Go ahead.

When the hottest guy from your hometown moves to LA, Clark.

Everyone can't connect you there.

So that means it's Clark.

So that means now they have to have like the hottest guy you've ever seen digging holes and stuff.

Cause you're like, we got to have a guy digging holes.

And, you know, you're, it doesn't matter that you're like a hot, good looking guy.

You got to dig holes.

And I got a bunch of a whole town full of hot guys digging holes.

Shila Boef.

Shia La Boeff

truly digging his own hole

for a while now for a while now if you were in that production thank you for a great night of theater I think it has got to be my top three favorite nights in LA wow I had the best time okay and I'll be a patron of this theater moving forward I would like to see you know let's harken back to classic comedies like Harold and Kubar go to White Castle.

I want to see a movie that's Erin Keefe high out of her mind.

And the whole movie is just her her trying to make it through the night.

And at some point, she gets wrapped up into a community theater production of cats.

Somebody gets injured.

She has to go on.

It's a showstopper standing O.

I think I could win an Oscar for this.

No.

So Seth Rogan grew up, and now we don't get to see Screwball Weed comedies anymore.

No.

We should still get them.

We just need a new Seth Rogen.

He can't do it.

He's got gray hair.

But we need

Screwball weed comedies.

Yeah.

It's me.

I'm the new Seth Rogan.

I'm obviously the natural successor.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, well.

Aaron, let's hear your goofy ass laugh.

Yeah, that'll do.

That'll do.

That'll do.

Wow.

Damn.

Anyways.

She looked like Dave Franco, but she laughed like Seth Rogan the whole package.

Like, just like Dave Franco, Aaron.

What's up, guys?

Riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems?

or

she's reading our description.

She's reading the description of the podcast.

Three Chicago comedians who are friends.

No, we got to update that.

It hasn't been true in a long time.

I had an embarrassing,

what I thought would be like a fun moment, but turned out to be kind of an embarrassing moment

upstairs just moments ago.

Well, we have a nanny that comes in a couple times a week, mostly because I only work a little bit a week.

And so I need someone to cover me when I'm working.

But

I was coming downstairs to, I was getting a coffee and coming downstairs to get a coffee.

And I saw that our nanny was drinking out of a coffee mug that said, World's best dad.

And I said, Oh, interesting.

So you're the world's best dad, huh?

And she said, Well, the only other mug in there said, I don't, don't talk to me until I've had my mug full of piss.

And I said, Okay, well, you know,

I did factor work.

I gotta go.

I was like,

exit stage, right.

And I could proudly say, I think I bought you that mug.

And I did say to her, I did say, just so we're clear, I have never purchased a mug.

All of the mugs at this house are mugs that people gave me.

That's worse.

That means people were thinking about you specifically when they gave you a mug.

And I can't stress enough.

I don't think it's necessarily what that means.

I can't stress enough.

I think our merch store would be wildly successful if we combined those two ideas and made world's piss dad.

Because world's number one dad, what is number one?

Peeing.

World's piss dad.

World's piss dad.

What about a a cup that says world's best dad?

And there's the little asterisk, and then the cup on the other side says at drinking piss.

All right, look in our merch store today.

That should be up, everybody.

If you want to report us to T-Public, are the world's best at drinking piss dad?

Uh, I honestly could be the best at that.

That seems like a low bar.

There can't be a lot of those, right?

Oh, you'd be surprised.

The world is horrible, horrible.

Hold on.

Let me just type in his drinking daddies and see what I get.

Okay.

Hold on.

Got to make some bookmarks for later.

This is exactly what my friend is.

Addle, he's being a pervert again.

Aaron, that's your brand.

Wait, what?

What?

Wait, what?

When Adel was in the old-timey British Navy, he did get the perverts brand,

which is exactly what happened.

So happy thing.

We had a little song, too.

Well, we're perverts and we're British, which is nothing but the same.

They're synonymous.

An island full of nunces.

This is your first run off.

Great.

Full of nunces.

Here we go.

Two arms.

I'm old man puzzles.

If it wasn't fucking obvious.

And here's one of your puzzles.

Two arms, no hands, one head, no mouth.

One chest, no heart, one back, no spine, one body, not mine.

This is what a doctor says on trial.

It's not a book.

It's not

a clock.

Not a book, not a clock.

This also sounds like it could be like a Bob Marley song, right?

Like, two arms.

No woman, no head.

No woman, no head.

What is the message of that?

Best not to look too far into what.

No woman, no head.

Can you read it one more time?

Two arms, no hands.

Okay, so two arms, no hands.

One head, no mouth.

One chest, no heart.

One back, no spine, one body, not mine.

Wait, what was the heart one you cut out for the heart?

One chest, no heart.

I didn't do shit, Aaron.

You cut out.

Sorry.

Aaron, apologize.

I'm sorry, DPC.

Aaron, it was probably one chest, no heart.

One chest, no heart.

Is this the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie?

Oh, God, I wish.

Is it

the kind of chest like a treasure chest type thing?

No, it's not.

Is it still like

the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie?

Because Johnny Depp sucks, but he's like playing such a larger-than-life character in that.

I feel like it's fine, right?

I feel like there's other good parts of the movie.

Just because you're in a- Orlando Bloom parts, Makira Knightley parts parts.

Mackenzie Crook, of course, Gareth in the original office.

Wow.

Who has one of the funniest lines in all of sitcom history, which is, do you ever think there will be a boy born who swims faster than a shark?

I think it's probably okay to watch.

You just have to tell, if you're watching with a child, you have to be like, that guy actually is a bad man.

Yeah.

That guy's a bad man.

He took a shit on someone's bed.

Or it was the opposite.

It doesn't actually matter, but whatever happened, it was fucked up.

You see me just pointing out actors.

He was actually in a fucked up situation

James Spader yeah

yeah yeah yeah you see Ultron Ultron actually had some trauma so ultron actually tied up his secretary so

um JBC can we get a little hit

yeah okay this is an inanimate object two arms no hands one head no mouth one chest no heart one back no spine one body not mine um it's like a chair it's not a chair aaron that's a good

CPR dummy?

No, they have heads.

They do have heads.

A car.

Otherwise, it'd be hard to do the CPR.

You could just do a chest compression dummy.

They don't need a head.

But you got to do that.

You got to do that part where you blow into the mouth.

It's not a car, but CPR dummy is not closest, but it's no.

I was going to say it's

on the right track, but it's not.

No, it's not.

It's not a head.

A lot of mannequins don't have heads.

Wouldn't it be funny if the movie mannequin was made, but it's with one of those mannequins that doesn't have a head?

And it's just a body.

It's just an hour and a half rom-com of a body running around stumbling into things.

Yeah.

And then they finally kill her.

It's a horror movie.

It's a horror movie.

That is a horror movie.

Does anyone remember?

First of all, I haven't seen Weekend Up Bernie's in decades.

I remember there...

Do you remember?

You should add it to the review crew.

No, that's right.

Pizza Places used to do like deals where you like order a pizza and they also, it came with a movie.

Do you guys remember that?

Yeah.

yeah, yes.

So, I think it was like, I don't know where it was, Papa John's Pizza.

I remember as a kid,

there was a pizza deal that came with a copy of Weekend at Bernie's 2 or 3.

And I think I watched that one, whatever sequel to Week in the Bernie's, I think I watched that one.

I'd never watched the original Weekend at Bernie's, but I was familiar enough with it.

But what I don't remember is

Bernie in various states of like decomposition.

Like, the more of those movies that they make, is he just like

no they can't do that that would be unwatchable

i remember the whole movie is a screwball comedy with a corpse i remember my first time going to new york uh ever and seeing a broadway show we went and saw lane stritch at liberty which is like a lane strich's one woman show and she kissed me after the show which is another story in a picture um

right behind me my friend and i had like balcony seats right behind us with jonathan silverman i think his name was the guy from weekend of birdies oh the not the not Bernie.

Not Bertie.

Got it.

One of the two guys.

One of the two guys.

But we saw him, and we thought it was so funny we had better seats than him.

And so we just kept being like, How's your weekend?

And we thought it was so funny to just like keep saying weekend and kind of like side glance at him.

He seemed pretty miserable.

Probably because shithead likes shitheads like me.

Yeah.

So funny.

Okay, so yeah, it's not a mannequin and it's not a corpse.

Two arms.

No we're seeing this at all.

I do want to see it.

One head, no mouth.

JBC, you are, um, you work in a department store.

Um, it's after midnight.

Uh, Aaron, you're a mannequin that JBC has just somehow brought to life through like a magical hat he put on you or something.

Holy shit, it worked.

Whoa.

Oh, hey, uh,

hey, my name's Jeff.

Don't be alarmed.

Hey, Jeff, before you say anything, we are conscious all the time.

So even when we're not talking, I can sort of see and hear what you do.

Okay, so before you say anything else, know that I've seen and heard everything you've done.

Okay, okay.

So a lot of times what I'm doing is I'm listening to podcasts and it's not even me saying that.

I'm just like, I'm kind of absently saying the things that the podcasts are saying.

Right.

So it's like, they're not even my thoughts.

And honestly.

Are you stealing from the store?

Is

oh, that's it.

That's all you.

That's all you yeah no i steal from the store yeah that's fine okay cool no yeah that's fine okay but you're stealing from the store and you dance with the mannequins at night

okay what am i gonna do not dance with the mannequins at night like i'll never be a better dancer if i don't practice you know and you're

gonna be here so your mat your marriage is

Over.

Absolutely over.

Yeah, I'm sleeping here most nights.

And I know, I wake nights.

So the fact that I'm sleeping here is like kind of like the best job ever.

Like, they don't check, you know?

Right.

I just got to like put my little pin on the.

I'm sorry.

I feel like I'm interrupting you.

You brought me to life for a reason.

Can't wait to find out what it was.

What's going on?

Hey, so in the movie Weekend at Boyne's, does he

have to sequel?

What's that?

Put me back to sleep.

You sound like a newsie in that scene, Jeep.

Bringing a mannequin boy.

Bringing a mannequin back to life to ask questions about a movie.

They're like, hey, man, all I've seen is inside the Sears.

Okay, so it's not mannequin, but like

mannequin is kind of close and,

you know,

but it's in the same like room that a mannequin would be in.

You probably find this.

Great hangers.

On tops.

Adult.

It's not a great deal on a top, but tops?

Tops?

It is specifically.

It's a shirt.

The answer here is specifically a type of clothing that is a top.

I don't know that it.

A blouse.

No, I don't know that it matters.

I think a t-shirt works for this.

Yeah, because it doesn't.

I don't think it says...

Oh, I guess it says one head, no mouth.

And that's the only part where I think it would matter that this is something that has something.

It's a hoodie, yes.

Otherwise, I think it could be a t-shirt, but I think the fact that there is a hood with like the empty head there means

do you call the top of a t-shirt where it opens up the mouth of the shirt?

No.

No?

Call it the neck hole.

The neck, just the neck.

I need another riddle.

I need to cleanse the palette.

I need another riddle quickly.

That one made me feel.

Okay.

Here's your second riddle.

And weakened at Bernie's three.

No.

Oh, boy.

Okay.

There's a third one?

There must be a third one.

They wouldn't have stopped at two, right?

He's just a skeleton for that one, right?

Too much grape left on the vine.

The people he's talking to are like, that's clearly a dead man between the two of you.

And they're like, no, no, no.

Hawaiian shirt.

It was also like the 80s.

And I think that the man who played Bernie, like, I think he got like seriously hurt.

I think he was like doing a lot of those stunts too.

Yeah, I think it was like.

TPC, I'm begging you to give me some good news.

All right, here's your next journal.

My home is often loud.

Oh, fucking tell me about it because I'm in it.

But I am quiet.

My home is always moving, but I move faster.

If I am brought from my home into your home, I will not live.

If you leave your home and stay too long in my home, you will not live.

Fish.

Sure.

Whale.

It is a fish in a river.

Wow.

Okay, I do want to see a scene.

Wait, is that true?

It's a fish in a river.

Yeah, I think it's because my home is often loud, but I'm quiet.

My home is often moving, but I move faster.

Yeah, fish swim in the river.

You bring a freshwater fish into your house, it dies?

Yeah, I'm assuming if you don't put it in water, if you just like bring it into your house, unless you have a water house.

What?

I think those are called aquariums.

Yeah, but you're not.

Freshwater aquariums.

You don't live in an aquarium.

All right, I want to see a scene.

I want to see a scene.

You've never walked into someone's house and seen a freshwater salmon in an aquarium tank.

I want to see a scene.

Aaron, Adel has just purchased a new house

and it is, he's having you over.

He's very excited.

You're bringing a housewarming gift, but you quickly realize that he is living in an aquarium store, like a pet store.

Claire, oh my gosh, thank you so much for coming.

Oh my gosh, I brought pie.

Ooh, yum, yum, yum.

What kind?

Sorry, are we gonna walk down to your place or?

I'm sorry, what kind?

Yes, I guess you did ask the question first:

Apple.

Apple yum.

Maybe.

That's what kind of pie.

Are we gonna walk down to your place?

Oh, this is my house.

This is my house.

Let me give you the grand toilet.

I guess those words are already French.

I didn't need to do that.

Huh.

Here is...

These are walls.

Clear walls.

Sorry.

No.

No, you're right.

This is probably fine.

As I was saying,

here's my walls.

No, I'm going to say it.

I know.

You know,

we're all being patient with you post-divorce, but I actually do need to...

What is this?

We're all being patient with you post-divorce.

Yeah, the friend group, we're all like just really trying to be happy for you when you try to get back on your feet.

We're all really worried about you.

It's like, seems pretty dire trying to be happy for me, you know.

Emily is really sweet, and we all really get along with Emily.

You know what I mean?

We all like really love Emily.

But no, please.

So we were saying,

um, we were, I was saying, these are my glass walls.

Uh, yeah, okay.

These are the water behind it.

Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Can I just say something?

Sure, I've always loved you.

Oh, yeah,

I want you to live in my

aquarium.

Yeah, you're wearing snorkel goggles and

your hair is wet and matted to your forehead.

I took a box cutter and tried to open up some gills on me, and that went pretty bad.

Yeah, I'm gonna pick Emily.

Hold on, hold on.

I'm picking Emily.

Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on.

No, hold on.

Watch me swim.

Watch me swim.

Okay, let me get up this ladder into my walls.

I'm down the block.

Man found dead swimming in fish tank.

Contortionist cramming your body into like a big fish tank.

Did you guys ever fish growing up?

I went once.

Fishing

two or three times.

I've only caught bluegill.

Oh, which, if you're familiar with Midwest fish, not a prize.

What about owning a fish tank?

Did you have like a fish tank in the house?

Oh, yeah, big tank.

Oh, yeah.

Big tank.

We had some, what are those, beta, beta fish?

I guess I had one.

Would you ever now, as an adult, consider having a fish tank?

Never in a million years.

That's so crazy.

We had a fish tank growing up as well, but like I can't think of a thing that I would rather do less than have like fish in my house.

The smell is weird.

It's high maintenance.

You got to take them out and put them like the right temperature in a bag and then clean the tank.

Like it's so much work.

Cleaning an aquarium is the most laborious process I've ever been a part of.

Yeah.

And it's like, you don't really get much out of it unless people are like super into fish or whatever.

And maybe it's one of those things where it's like, seeing them brightens your day.

And you know, God love you and whatever.

Like, that's fine.

It's just so crazy that, like, I know a lot of people that had fish as kids, and they're like, why did we do that?

Why was that something that happened in our house?

Yeah, can fish love you back?

I don't know.

No, they forget.

Every three seconds, they forget who you are.

I don't think I've walked into a house and seen a fish bowl an aquarium fish tank in 25 years yeah truly i have not seen a home aquarium or fish bowl in 25 years

i don't think i have either one of my first apartments uh that i ever lived on it was next to two businesses and the business was an aquarium store in a sub shop and we went to this submarine sandwich shop like the first day that we lived in this apartment and the food was absolutely disgusting we never saw anyone in either business and i lived there for a a year.

And we were like, these both have to be front businesses.

Like, they must just be money laundering businesses because who's buying an aquarium in Chicago?

And who's with all the food options that you have?

No one is ever in this disgusting sub shop.

And it's like, and disgusting sub shop is like Subway and they're on every corner.

Like you could

crazy.

Absolutely crazy.

Ugh.

Yeah.

Yeah, I would, I don't think I would ever want to

want to own an aquarium.

I just don't, I just don't see what, I I just don't see what you get out of it.

If you're listening to this and you have an aquarium, tell us what you like about it.

I want to know.

I think about it.

I'm trying to learn.

Because the other thing that I think, and this is a little bit morbid, but we had an aquarium growing up and I remember the fish would die all the time.

And I guess if you're trying to get accustomed to like pet death, you know, that's some, there's like some benefit to like understanding that some things have longer lifespans and whatever.

But man, it was miserable every time we found a dead fish because they're just like floating at the top of the thing and you're like oh no

what i hated was you go ahead what i hated was growing up we had a fish tank with a few we had like neons uh this is separate from the beta fish because i think beta fish kill anything else but we had like little neons which are kind of fun little fish oh yeah yeah yeah i know those yeah have like a little stripe on them that glows um with some other fish and then what always upset me was we had one of those like sucker guys yeah that just gloms onto the side of the tank and apparently like cleans algae or something but i feel like i would always look at the tank as like an eight-year-old and be like, oh, this is so cool and beautiful.

And we have the ocean in our living room.

And then I'd make eyes with this little sucker fish and I'd be like, this is the grossest fucking

10-pound leech I've ever seen in my fucking life.

10-pound.

That's big for a lot of those suckerfish.

Back to your little bubble castle, you fucking bastard.

GPC, if your kid,

like

when they are a little bit older, develops like a true passion for fish.

Uh-huh.

And like, it's their hyperfixation.

Would you get them a fish tank if they had, like, if they begged for it?

Oh, absolutely.

I think it's such a good idea if like a kid really wants a pet, get the pet because that will never,

first of all, their attention spans are so long that they'll be so interested in that pet for as long as that pet lives and they'll want to help clean up and stuff.

He's being fantastic.

The only thing that my kid is getting is a one-way ticket into beauty college because they will never work work a day in their life.

Now, JPC, on the other side of the coin, what if your kid develops, a little bit older, a deep interest in fish?

They love the album Hoist.

Yes.

Jumping on trampolines while playing guitars is the epitome of musicianship.

You know what?

That I am fine with because I feel like at that point, I will be in the right era of my life to like a jam band.

Now, I'm assuming that all the original members of Phish are dead at this point.

It's just John Mayer and like

the John Mayer crew.

By the way.

it's John Mayer plus Mars Volta.

I was hanging out with Janet Varney not too long ago, and we were having brunch.

And she said, I can't remember if it was her or Brandon, her partner, but she said John Legend instead of John Mayer, like John Legend played with fish.

And I was like, that to me would be a stellar concert.

Yeah, that would be interesting.

Some piano fish doing their like jam band thing and like John Legend just doing his like sexual crooning

like an 18 minute sexual crooning song

it's like it's like sinatra sitting with the stones and it's like i guess it's a little weird so yeah i think i'd be into that i think that that i would be at the right age to like have jam bands be like a thing and also i'm i've never been to a fish concert i have friends that are into fish i'm kind of fascinated by it in a way but never to the point where i'm like i would go to this but i would absolutely get dragged to a fish concert with my kid being like i want to see fish i'm like yeah yeah, let's do it.

I'll say I went to Bonnaroo in 2003 and I was on a lot of edibles and I went and saw Trey Anastasio solo.

And it was with an, oh, sorry, it was him.

He was the only member of fish, but then he had a full orchestra.

Okay.

And I'll say it was pretty incredible.

But

if I'm not on drugs, I hate like Mo,

Humphrey McGee.

Like, I hate all that jam music.

Yeah, yeah.

Unless I'm on an edible.

I don't, there's a, there's like an artistry to it.

I don't necessarily mind it, but like, I don't think I'm ever putting on a fish album to be like, this is something I'll listen to.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I get it and I get the appeal.

I, my brain always is like, there are other things if I have money to spend that I would rather see or do.

Yeah.

Aaron's like, I could go watch bum fights.

Yeah.

No, I never said that.

I do that, but I don't talk about it.

We should say Aaron's wearing a big Kimbo Slice sweater.

Aaron, you're obsessed with Kimbo Slice.

Aaron, you love Kimbo Slice.

I do.

I do love Kimbo Slice.

We got her.

We got her.

We got her.

We got her.

Casey clip it.

We finally have Aaron loads.

Aaron loves Kimbo Slice.

Aaron loves Kimbo Slice.

And things that Aaron, just checking in, you understand completely, correct?

Yep.

Great.

Let's take a break.

We have not earned a break this episode, by the way.

No, we haven't.

We have not earned it.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get it on camera?

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adela and Erin, make eye contact.

Wink, wink, wink.

No.

Well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace.

For all your goofs and slips and gags.

It's the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online.

Whether you're just starting out, or scaling your business, or hitting yourself hard in the junk with a rail, Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place.

And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times.

Upload and organize your videos, create stunning video libraries, and even monetize your content by adding a paywall.

Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like you guys and like your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics, JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word how you pronounce it, analytics, because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools.

We can review website traffic, we've learned a lot of people love when we make fun of you, learn where to focus our engagement, which is like kids laughing at us laughing at you, and track revenue from bookings, invoices, or product sales.

You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

I think I'm going to be successful.

And if you want to be successful, just head to squarespace.com/slash Riddle for a free trial.

And when you're ready to launch, use offer code Riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain.

GPC, why don't you do a flip-oll-yo over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try it one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

Jealous much.

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it.

And everyone says he was.

And I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting.

That my experience with the Emperor.

His clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

Uh, no, uh, actually, we don't pay with limbs, we pay with money.

But this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

This is from Quince, my good lady.

I love Quince.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Touch, please, touch.

Starting at just $60.

That's bonkers.

$60?

Yeah, $60.

Their denim is durable and fits right, and their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

I have sheets from Quince.

I got a skirt from Quince.

I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy?

That's clearly like someone's little brother, like Nathan, Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

And what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middleman.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like, it's like kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your, your, your summer clothes.

It's, it's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those like riding boots in a minute and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com slash Riddle for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash riddle.

Adult, I have got Erin on a joke website.

I'm about to sell her chocolate boots.

I think she's going to walk around.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

I will stay and watch this.

Mom, yum, yum.

Eats them like cookie monster.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Guys, I need to find a better solution than what I've been using.

I've been going up to this character that's sitting at a booth that it's like free advice for five cents.

She's being like really mean to me.

And then I tried to like kick a football and she moved it and went, Are you, are you joking?

That was so embarrassing.

And I feel like that's not good therapy moving forward.

I need to find a better solution.

Oh, nuts.

Aaron, you can't be doing that.

You got to do what I do.

You have to whisper your secrets into a rock and throw the rock into the ocean.

Huh.

Or do what I do, which is use BetterHelp, which I think is probably the best option.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Don't talk to a rock or talk to somebody at a five-suit booth from what sounds like a comic.

Talk to an online therapist at BetterHelp.

Yeah, Aaron, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally.

It's convenient as well.

You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, I assume, plus switch therapists at any time.

And BetterHelp's quality therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

They're not going to move a football on you, Aaron.

Aaron, they won't move the football or they won't throw the rock back.

In fact, they've been told specifically not to throw any rocks.

Hmm.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

A short questionnaire helps identify your needs and preferences.

And their 10 plus years of experience, an industry-leading match fulfillment rate means they typically get it right the first time.

And if you aren't happy with your match, you can switch to a different therapist anytime to your tailored needs whenever, whenever.

And as the largest online therapy provider in the world, BetterHelp can provide access to mental health professionals with a diverse variety of expertise.

Find the one with BetterHelp.

Our listeners get 10% off their first month at betterhelp.com/slash riddle.

That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com/slash riddle.

Hey, Adel, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah.

It's me.

I'm in the booth.

I'm in the booth.

Nice one.

Well, I'm going to go back to the booth and try the football one more time.

I'm going to let her have it this time.

I'm going to let her have it.

All right, yeah, we really have to get into riddles.

We've only done two so far, so we have to get at least two more.

I have a reputation for never doing riddles, but look, look at JPC as old man puzzles.

You guys aren't answering them because we don't know the answers.

They get that last one like lightning quick.

Okay,

four long ground standers,

four short downhangers, two crookers, two lookabouts, one whiskabout, and a bellow box.

This is the cast of newsies, Aaron.

Yeah, it really is.

Three

About this is like, I feel like, A, I feel like we may have done this one.

My cards may have been shuffled incorrectly.

But B,

this is just like, what if you describe a normal thing with nonsense words?

That's what the, I think that that's what this riddle is.

Well, that's what Dr.

Seuss made a living out of.

Can you read it one more time?

Isn't it funny that making a living and making a killing are the same thing?

Wow.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Can you read it again?

Words.

Four long ground standers.

What do we think those are?

Pillars.

Columns.

Okay.

Legs.

Aaron?

Four short downhangers.

Balls.

Penis.

Yeah, I would think balls and penis for downhangers.

Two crookers.

Arms.

No.

Next.

What's the movie that has four legs?

A table?

Giraffe.

Two lookabouts.

What do we think lookabouts are?

Eyes, right?

Yeah.

One whiskabout in a bellow box.

Throat and whiskers.

A lion.

It's a lion.

It's not a lion.

Is it an animal?

It is an animal.

And I think, honestly, the four short.

It's not a dog.

I think four short downhangers is going to be the thing that actually helps.

It's a cat.

Oh, it's an udders.

Those are the utters.

Two crookers?

What are the two crookers?

I don't know.

Ears?

Ears, maybe?

Two crookers.

I do want to see a scene.

Adel, you are.

Wow, you know what?

Fuck it.

Adel, you also are working at a pet store.

We're doing two pet store seats back to back.

Oh, my God.

Adel, you're working in the pet store.

Aaron, you're coming into the pet store because you're interested in purchasing a new pet.

And Adel, you are using a lot of like fanciful terms for the things that are just like ostensibly normal pets.

Hey,

Claire, good to see you again.

Hi.

Sorry.

Back in here again.

Last one died.

A couple years.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Last one died.

Looking for a new pet to fill the hole in my heart.

Here, sorry to hear.

Well, we have some new options.

We have some sort of exotic,

some exotic creatures who found their way into the store.

Hush, hush.

Okay, can't wait to see.

Can't wait to see.

Okay.

So over here we have a scroungy rug.

This is sort of a scroungy rug.

Looks like a cat.

That's what I said.

Scroungy rug.

Oh, is that its name?

No.

That's how we're selling it.

If you look at the sign there, it says scroungy rugs, $99.

Ah.

Huh.

Okay.

I mean, you are an exotic pet store owner.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

I bought a panther last time I came in here, and now the panther's dead.

Panther, I'm not sure what that is.

Do you just not have any exotic animals in today?

Because this is just like a typical house cat.

Oh, a jump.

You bought a jump sack.

Okay, is that like the scientific term?

Am I missing something?

Show me something else.

It's a big jump sack.

Okay, sure.

Over here we have a bite rope.

We have some bite ropes.

Okay, that is a snake.

No, they're bite ropes.

It was just a really typical, like the kind of snake a 12-year-old would get.

This is not an exotic snake.

This is not a poisonous snake.

12-year-olds might get nerds' ropes, but these are bite ropes.

Hey, man, it's okay if you don't have any exotic animals, and today I can come back later in the week or next week or something.

Wait,

I got something for you.

How about

Tank Pinch?

Okay, this is your son.

Tank Pinch.

Well, that's his name.

His name is Tank

Pinch.

Pinky's not enough air in there.

He's sort of banging on the glass.

Are you okay?

No, he does that when there's new people.

Help's the only word he knows.

I'm going to check.

My dad had an accident.

What happened?

He lost all his words.

Oh, that's what I was saying.

He crossed a witch.

He crossed a witch.

Okay.

Okay.

I thought he just ran out of exotic animals and was trying to pull a fast one on me.

The witch is his supplier.

Okay.

I stepped on the foot of a mage.

I wouldn't say i crossed a witch scene it was the witch's husband

can you imagine a witch and a mage married uh do witches have husbands do witches have husbands oh

i wish there was still uh yahoo answers uh because do witches have husbands would be the only place that you could go to get an answer to that oh thank you i do want to see a seed just very quickly jbc you're a witch you're a speed dating aaron you're going to be the people uh uh opposite the witch on the speed dating.

By the way, one of my top 10 favorite things is when we call for a seat that requires multiple people and we're just like, Aaron, you get to be all.

I love it.

So funny.

Okay.

How are you doing?

I'm great.

My name is Agatha.

Yes, I've heard it before.

Obviously, the show kind of...

Anyway,

what do you do for work?

I feel like I'm having the same conversation over and over again.

It's crazy.

Well, it wasn't me.

I didn't put a perpetual Groundhog Day spell on you.

I'm a witch.

Yeah.

What?

No, I'm sorry.

I was making a joke, but I didn't put a...

Did you, though?

I'm going to try killing myself to see if I can speak out of the window.

Hey, don't.

Hey, don't.

I'm excited to see if it gets me out of the loop.

Hi.

The energy that guy's going to the next street with is awful.

Hi, I'm Agatha.

I am a witch.

Just like the TV show.

Yeah, just with the show, yeah.

I'm actually new in town, and I'm just, I'm really enjoying meeting people.

What do you mean?

I feel like I have deja vu right now.

I feel like I'm having the same thing over and over again.

It's speed dating, standing up at the table.

It's fucking speed dating.

She's a witch.

Hi, how are you?

Hey, I'm good.

Does it matter what my name is?

What's like a fun?

Agatha, I can see your name tag, like the show, like a witch.

I feel like I've lived this moment before.

Don't you feel that way?

Oh, yeah, okay.

Did you put a curse on me?

I did curse Greg.

He's a pervert.

He's going to try to take pictures of your feet.

Everyone quickly

stops

down the road.

You can't make me a foot pervert without me calling Steen before you can do that to me, idiot.

You can't make me a foot pervert because I already am one.

You can't make me something I was born as.

Okay, here we go.

Did we do the?

Yeah, we did do the last one.

We did do the last one.

It was cow.

We all got it.

We're really proud of ourselves.

A whole lot of.

I was just going to say, you know, recently, somewhat recently, we were talking about like perfect bits in movies.

I just wanted to say in Monty Python and the Holy Grail,

she's a witch.

She turned me into a newt.

And then the guy goes, a newt.

And he goes, I got better.

I mean, that's one of the all-time greats.

Yeah, fun joke.

I also love in Princess Bride when she goes, I'm not a witch.

I'm your wife.

I'm not a witch.

I'm not your wife.

How

a whole lot of holes.

A whole lot of nuts.

Toss me in, pull me out.

See what you got.

A net.

A net.

A net.

You got it.

You got it.

You'd like to see a scene.

You guys are fish.

You were clearly caught in a net, and you're sort of like trying to make a plan.

Don't panic.

Don't panic.

I heard.

The panicking just makes it worse.

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

What do we do?

What do we do?

What do we do?

What do we do?

What do we do?

So a lot of times, fishermen,

bastards, they throw the net down.

They throw the net down, but they don't pull it up immediately.

So, we're not like fucked yet.

We probably still

have some time.

So, let's just think of it like we have time to work on a plan.

Panic is the mind killer.

Let's just focus in on this, okay?

Okay, okay.

Let's all go around and let's say what type of fish we are and maybe what skills we have.

Yes, if anyone has a specialty, okay?

Okay.

Like, for instance, I'm Sean.

I'm a puffer fish, so I I can puff my whole body out.

That could help maybe shift some locations.

Hi, Sean.

Hello.

Okay.

My name is Tommy.

I am a fatty tuna.

I'm delicious.

Okay, okay.

Let's try to stay focused on what the thing is.

But there are no bad ideas in brains.

No bad ideas.

No bad ideas.

Any other fish?

My name is Kelly.

I am a rat, and I am very scared.

I'm very

fish.

No, no, I'm a rat.

That's a rat.

So if you are not a fish, let's not have you go when the fish are going.

I know, but I feel like I'm sort of part of this.

I got trapped in here.

And my name is Pierre.

I am a soulfish.

Oh, wait, I am three.

Oh, cut.

I got right through it.

Ah, damn.

Okay, well, he could have helped the rest of us, but

fucking swordfish.

My name is Todd.

I'm a narwhal, and I'm going spear Pierre.

Oh,

narwhal just killed Pierre.

Yeah, okay, let we're just murdering each other.

Um, again, I'm Kelly, I'm a rat.

Um a ratfish?

No, just a rat.

Um

oh, like you aren't good with secrets.

That is true, but that's not relevant to what I'm trying to communicate.

Tell us one, tell us one, tell us one.

Did you know?

I am Bruce.

I am a sharding.

I'm sharding.

I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry, everybody.

Bruce is a shark.

Come on.

Hey, that guy's a rat.

I'm a sharding.

The Italian, the only way to end an Italian meal.

Affogato, I'm a sharding.

It's a compliment.

I haven't locked into any of the scenes very well today.

I feel like I'm sort of like skipping over the scenes and I'm not in the scenes.

Does that make sense?

Aaron, you're doing.

You guys teach improv.

Give me something, like, give me a scene, set up a new scene for me, and then also, like, give me an intention of like how to, how to really be in it.

Um, okay.

I do, I want to see a scene.

Aaron, you're an improv teacher, and you're talking to JPC as if he's you.

Great.

Is this what you want to?

Yeah.

Hey, can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah, sorry.

Yeah, I feel like I'm like, I'm in my head and I'm not, I'm not like present in them.

Is that what you were going to say?

Sorry, I'm not giving you the notes.

You can't be wearing leggings to every show.

And your mascara is running down your face.

Like, I just feel like it looks like you're sort of forced to be.

It looks, you show up to shows looking like someone woke you up from a deep, deep nap.

Okay.

Which is why.

Yeah, it just feels like...

Because none of the guys on the team are getting notes like this, but all my notes.

Well,

yeah.

I mean, they're really funny.

I know, I think, I feel like we're all kind of really funny, but I feel like all my notes are like kind of about how I cry too much in scenes.

Right.

Yeah.

Hey, hey, sorry.

Sorry, teacher.

Sorry, teacher.

Hey, babe.

I'm going to wait downstairs for you.

Here's a water.

Just let me know when you're done.

I'm Kimbo Slice, by the way.

Hi.

I'm dating Aaron.

So it's, yeah, so he's not.

We're not.

It's not.

He's not.

But we're not.

You're kicked off the team.

For what?

You You know.

See?

It's still fun that Kimbo Slice comes to your shows, Aaron.

I guess so.

Yeah.

I'd say it's more of a distraction.

People really sort of only care about that.

Sure.

Hey, there's a ghost here.

It's always really complicated when two people are dating who do the same thing because what if someone gets more successful than the other?

But we're making it work.

Ghostless slide to get a hint as to who Kimbo Slice is, and we're not going to help you, Aaron.

Yes, you will.

Aaron, would you do a movie called Ghost Slice that's you dating Kimbo Slice's ghost?

Yeah, and the plot would go a little something like

Aaron.

We're not going to help you.

Why can't you help me?

We can.

It's not that we can't.

Okay, well, then you guys will be the jerks.

That the joke is the woman on the show doesn't know something.

It's not that we can't throw around by weight for no reason.

I know that name, and that sounds familiar.

He's a musician.

Yes.

Aaron.

Got it in one.

Aaron, do you know any of us?

Can you name a single Kimball song?

What Adel's doing?

Can you name a single song?

What are you guys I went on dates with in 2016?

Fucking what?

Oh, you're wearing a Metallica shirt?

Name 10 albums.

That's actually hard for Aaron because she can't name a single song anyway.

Because every song that she likes is like,

she doesn't know.

Wow.

Okay.

we're all sort of

roasting Erin today.

Okay,

okay,

that means she's doing well, and you're trying to bring her down, yeah,

100%.

Hey, Aaron, kind of like not unlike what they kind of did to Kimbo Slice.

Wow,

one to one, one to one,

okay.

Kimbo Slice is actually not a musician.

That's why I said what Adel's doing is meaner because I would never say, yeah, he's a musician.

What's one of his songs?

Okay, I okay, he's not a musician.

How do you know that?

I don't know.

How do you know what?

How do you know that?

No, I got it.

Air news, Google.

You gotta wrap about

Kimbo Slice.

Kimbo Slice seems really nice.

He's a bare knuckle boxer.

No, he's not mixed martial artist, professional boxer, and actor.

He was born in 1974.

Oh, and he died when he was only 42 years old.

He weighed 234 pounds.

Wait a minute.

This isn't rapping.

He's got three kids, but sorry.

Don't talk about how somebody

is.

That's so funny.

I love that rapping is.

He was born in 1984 in St.

Paul, Minnesota.

He weighs 215.

He has four kids.

What would you do if you bought the new Kendrick Lamar album and it was just him reading Wikipedia?

Every song was just like a Wikipedia entry.

Well, then he would win another Grammy.

Yeah, if it's K-Dot, I'm buying it.

It's just the song is called Spain, and it's about the country of Spain, just like their exports and their imports.

And then in the middle, he's like, Drake's a pedophile.

So funny.

The rain in Spain falls mostly on Drake.

All right.

I bring you music.

If music you can read.

I bring you a number.

If toes and fingers you can count.

I bring you the result of the match.

Whoa.

I bring you music if you can read.

Aaron scores.

Aaron, you got it.

You scored.

She's a genius.

So I know it seems like the lady one is the dumb one on this show, but that's not always true.

Sometimes it's true.

Not always.

Actually, take turns being the dumb one.

Moment to moment.

Moment to moment.

And sometimes, here's a little peek behind the curtain.

Sometimes we all get to be the dumb one.

Yeah, we all carry the ring.

I'm dumb Samwise.

It would have been her.

That's why Samwise came to you.

I know.

I'm coming with you.

What?

Your Samwise is good.

You have a good Samwise.

Oh, thanks.

It would have been

The vocal tick in my house right now is Cassian Andor

from Andor.

Oh, yeah.

Do you think that you could get maybe the gas leak checked?

Like, is there a professional that could I kind of like it?

Address the vocal tick.

All of my new imaginary friends are from the gas leak, so why would I

stop it?

This is Jeff.

He's from the gas leak.

This is Jeff.

Oh, how do you know Erin?

Oh, I'm a gas leak leak hallucination of our hers how do you know aaron i'm a flying elephant

i know aaron from a dream she had

aaron can you say the line that you said is popular in your house right now cassianander

so you sound like cassianander i haven't watched and or season two yet i'm i'm uh very excited you sound exactly like the guy who i want to say is australian and he's in a lot of movies and stuff he plays he's in Captain Marvel is like the head gremlin scree guy or whatever.

Oh, oh, oh,

oh, God, what is that man's name?

I don't know.

You know what I'm talking about?

Yeah, Ben Mendelson.

Mendelson.

Thank you, Casey.

Aaron, that was a dead on Ben Mendelson in person.

That's not what I meant to do.

You were doing Mr.

Scarsgaard, right?

Yeah, I was.

Yeah.

Papa Scarsgaard.

Stellan?

Yeah.

Stellan.

Yeah.

Stellan.

Was it.

Ben Mendelson is also in that show, right?

Yeah, he just showed me

because he's in Rogue One, yes.

Oh, yes, yes, yes, and Auntie Donna did impressions of him that were really funny.

There's a clip of them that I watched yesterday.

That's so funny that you bring up Ben Mendelson.

I guess it's you brought it up because we're talking about Andor, but they do a really great impression of him.

I, I, well, yeah, well, you did you remember he was in Rogue One?

I just re-watched Rogue One not too long ago, so I was like, he has to be bridging the gap there, you know, somewhere because he's like the big bad from Rogue One.

Um, that's wild, you guys.

Before I forget,

I'm so sorry.

I

there, I don't have that many career goals left other than maybe meeting him up it, but I do

crushing it.

Well, Aaron, you said you wanted to be on the cover of Highlights Magazine.

I don't think they do like cover shoots.

Oh,

I'm sorry.

I'm just trying to do that.

Oh, my God.

What?

I want to wear lingerie on the cover of Highlights Magazine.

My only dream.

With how often you change your hair, you could fucking be Highlights Magazine.

Wow.

You guys had to learn how to do my own hair.

I spent hours and hours researching how to dye your own hair blonde.

And I did it last week.

Oh, because so many places have refused you service.

Yes, because I go too often.

No, because I can't, you can't, in this economy, you can't afford to be blonde anymore.

So.

Wow, look at what they took from us.

That's so fun.

Oh, the blonde.

That's not what I mean.

The inflation rate is so high.

But you guys, I love Auntie Donna.

And they have a

show on YouTube where it's basically party quirks, but impossible.

And they give each other the most impossible prompts to do.

And I, I don't know who listens, who might know them.

I will fly to Australia on my own dime.

I want to go and be on that show so bad.

We could probably get them on our show.

They do podcasts.

I would love that.

And then I can go.

I'm literally, that is, it would be a dream of mine to go on that.

Aaron, would you mind if I circle back to something?

Of course.

Erin's so blonde that she heard inflation rates were high and she let all the air out of her tires.

Aaron, is that true?

Aaron, is that true?

This is something I heard, so I just want to verify.

Is it true?

Yes.

Yes, good.

Okay, Aaron.

I just sent a text.

Sure.

Again, Auntie Donna's been on Magic Tavern.

I have booked for us next week Uncle Donna.

Now.

That's not what I wanted.

I want Auntie Donna.

Well, Aaron,

figures can't be choosers.

Uncle Donna.

Uncle Donna.

Three hamsters in tuxedos.

Aaron, the best part there.

Are we three hamsters in tuxedos?

Isn't that a little redundant?

Auntie Dunna.

Say it again, Edel?

Uncle Donna?

Uncle Donna sounds also just like Fat Bastard.

Now, isn't that fun?

Uncle Donna.

I'm going to ask you guys a question.

I need to be honest with me.

Have we done a single riddle this episode?

Okay, great.

Do you want to do a single one?

I'm putting it out into the yes, I'm putting it out to the universe that I want to go on that show.

And I know I'm not qualified in any sort of way, and I live in a different continent, but please.

Erin's so blonde.

She heard that there was a single riddle and she asked what its sign was.

Wow, Aaron, is this true?

That's funny.

Date a riddle, but Aaron, so this is something I heard, and I'm not really, I'm truly not doing this to be mean.

This is something I heard.

I just want to verify if it's true.

It is true.

The riddle is an Aries.

We're compatible.

All right, here we go.

Silver are my teeth and sharp, straight, my jaw, and long.

Use me carefully, my friend.

My double bite is strong.

Bear trap.

Tongs, bear trap.

It's not tongs.

It's not a bear trap.

That's really great.

Bear trap is the closest.

Tongs and bear trap are both pretty close.

They're around

the thing.

Mousetrap is close as well, but

is it a trap of some kind?

It's not a trap.

It's a trap.

Admiral Akbar, Admiral Snack Bar.

Admiral Snack Bar.

Because he's cute.

Because he's cute.

Because he's a snack.

It's a snack.

Thanks, Admiral Snack Bar.

Why did they not have that as a tie-in for the episode three re-release?

Well, we'll have to see if Admiral Snack Bar makes an appearance in the upcoming Disney Twins Patrol.

Furiously writing down Admiral Snack Bar and like setting a whole 50-minute episode on things like that.

Silver are my teeth and sharp, straight my jaw and long.

Use me carefully, my friend.

My double bite is strong.

Can opener.

No, double bite, double bite also crucial here.

And like a can opener, this is probably something that you would find in your house.

Stapler.

Stapler.

It's a stapler.

It's a stapler.

It's stapler.

Can I just say, when I was in grade school, everyone being like, I'm Stapler.

I'm going to fuck your mom.

Ah, I hated that.

I hated it.

I hated American pie and stapler.

I know my brain is poisoned from all the blonde die, but I did understand that reference.

Well, Aaron, it's also poisoned from the gas leak, right?

And me electrocuting myself by accident when I was in the third or fourth grade.

And when you brought a pie to the scene with the aquarium, I wanted to come in and say, Maybe we tell your mother we ate the pie, and I did it because I'm a good partner.

Maybe we just tell your mother.

Is that true?

It's a pie.

No, it can't be true.

Hey, here's something that's true.

Casey, can you play us a voicemail theme?

I don't wanna be answering lateral blankets, pussy's and witty.

I'll just answer a listener question.

I have peace of mind.

I'm tired of looking rather than

supposed to be.

I just wanna go five, seven, four, three, five, three,

one.

Yep.

There's a one at the end.

Two.

I mean, just sorry, as well, this is a number one.

Fuck.

I love it.

I love it.

And that was actually Gavin deGrasse.

That was Gavin deGrasse.

That was Tom Lum, host of the Let to Learn Everything podcast on maximum fun.

Thank you so much, Tom.

Thank you, Tom.

That was awesome.

That fucking rule.

Tom also sent the lyrics, and the lyric for that line is, I'm tired of looking around, who's a wasza, loses the lyrics because no one remembers this.

That was very erron-coated.

Yeah, very errant-coded to lose it in that cover of Gavin deGras' I Don't Want to Be.

There's a gas leak in my house.

What's your excuse?

Is this your PSA, Eric?

Yeah.

That's all I'm saying.

What's your gas leak in my house?

Do you know where your children are?

Do I have children?

A drag queen would say at the end of like a runway walk of something.

Like, I have a gas leak in my house.

What's your excuse?

And then turn and walk back.

That's my real housewife's intro.

I have a gas leak in my house.

What's your excuse?

If you want to get a voicemail theme

feature on the show, make it 30 seconds or less.

Send it as a WAV file to hrpodcast at gmail.com.

Casey, play us a voicemail.

Hey, Clue Crew.

I was wondering if you have a song that you always hear the lyrics to incorrectly in your head.

My example for this is the Les Miz song at the end of the day.

For some reason in my head, the lyrics are always when the hair on your back doesn't keep out the chill, even though I know it's when the shirt on your back doesn't keep out the chill.

Yeah.

Just curious.

Hope you're all doing well.

Okay, have a good one.

Bye.

Oh, my God.

I have been saying when the hair on your back doesn't keep out the chill.

No.

I am not kidding.

Really?

Yeah.

You have the same one.

Was that you, Aaron?

Okay, yeah.

Well, first of all, we already established that that is my entire life.

Is I can get the vibe of a song, but I do not know the lyrics.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I, I, there's a lot.

And this is also really fun because it was that voicemail theme with this voicemail, which was totally accidental, but it was one where you lose the lyrics, which is cool.

But I have that too.

I don't know the lyrics very well at all.

I would say my biggest one is from the album Tac, T-A-K-K, by Sega Rose.

I always think that he's saying,

and he's really going,

just a classic Sigaros joke.

Since I watched Cats, I've been on an Andrew Lloyd-Weber kick.

And so I was listening to Avita yesterday, and I realized for the first time in a new Argentina that the lyrics are, this is crazy to feed his talk.

And I thought it was mumbo jumbo.

I was like, oh, this is crazy to featist talk makes more sense than this is crazy to be this talk.

Like, I had no idea.

This is, this is insane.

The first place my mind went to, there's a live song called I Alone.

Do you guys know this live song?

I Alone Love You.

Yeah.

I alone love you.

In my mind, he's always just going, I la,

I la.

I'm like, I completely lose every lyric in that part.

But here's the other thing.

is I also have the Aaron disease where I don't remember the lyrics to songs.

Yeah, sorry.

Slow ghast leak in my brain.

But I don't know.

Maybe this is the fact that I've been doing improv for so long, but it's like I don't even attempt to get the lyrics anymore.

I just make my own up.

Like I do a lot of singing with my child and I'm like, you're fucked because I don't know the words to the songs from Moana, even though we've listened to them a hundred times, but I do know my words.

But Aaron, I'm not doing the thing where I'm like,

I'm not doing like simlish for it.

I'm just like making up words.

I'm like, like, give me an example.

Sing something for myself.

I'm alone with my thoughts, and it turns, it disturbs me.

But I can't post

till I'm a ghost.

And I'll just do, and it'll be like nonsense.

And Mariah will be like, what are you doing?

I'm like, I'm not going to learn the fucking lyrics.

Moana knows the lyrics.

I shouldn't have to know them.

That's awesome.

I'll do that with Black Crows.

With that, I'll start to sing it and then I'll realize I don't know the words.

So I'm like, hey, little thing,

yeah, I always

immediately deflate because I'm like, oh no, I'm in the thick of it.

I'm on the slide and I forgot where the bottom is.

I'm on the slide and I forgot where the bottom is.

That's so nice.

Messing around.

Signs out of karaoke and is like, oh, no, wait, there's a rap verse in this song?

I forgot there was a rap version in the song.

Just trying your best.

Yeah, thank you so much for that question.

Do we have anything, Aaron, to plug?

Anything you got to plug?

Just go and come see us on tour.

We would love to see us on tour.

And I know what you're thinking.

There's a bunch of shows in a bunch of different cities.

Is it going to be the same show in each city?

Yes.

We're going to try.

We change keywords, so it's worth it to follow us and see all of the shows that you can just get the keyword changed.

Brilliant.

Hell yeah.

So brilliant.

Adult plug.

Check out Hula from the Magic Tavern.

Now in our 10th season.

JPC, anything to plug or promote or a review to read?

I wanted to read a review.

This one's coming in from Blue Wings23.

Blue Wings 23 says, Life isn't real.

On my way to work on Wednesday morning, I was trying to think of what cards my friends had in high school.

Dodge Durango?

Or Dodge Dagaru Dungaree?

No, whatever.

I'll look it up later.

I get to work, turn on the podcast in 10 to 15 minutes, and Adel mumbles Dodge Durango.

What?

How?

Life isn't real.

But this podcast is good.

Wow.

Yeah, we are a glitch in the Matrix.

This is the dream inside the brain of a dying child saint elsewhere?

This is a death rattle.

This is the last, the last gasp of a Velociraptor who's being eaten by a pack of wolves.

Now

someone's listening to this podcast and they're like, 10 minutes ago, I was thinking about a death rattle saint elsewhere and a Velociraptor, and now they said it?

We live outside the laws of space and time.

We are dinosaurs and soap operas.

To do your mission, you know what your mission is.

Jupiter, I can get us out of here.

Casey Tony did the editing.

And Hardy Pierre did the music.

You said we sound choppy?

Oh, yeah, I just, you guys were coming in and out of me internet wise.

Chopping.

God damn it.

God damn it, Aaron.

Casey, clip it.

Casey, clip it.

Wait, what?

I missed it.

Okay, you'll, hey, don't worry, Aaron.

You'll hear it on the soundboard very soon.

I'm actually going to pull that one.

Aaron, it's not worth worrying about at all.

In case you heard it, right?

Yeah, she said of instead of for.

Yeah.

So you guys are coming in and out of me.

Aaron, you said you guys are coming in and out of me.

Oh, no.

I let it go.

I let it go.

I mumbled because I did not say it.

Aaron, I'm so sorry.

Either way, I'm pregnant and you're the father.

I say, pointing at all of you.

We'll both raise it.

Hey there, Continentals and 48s.

If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon.

We return to the State series, and you'll have to listen to find out which state we pick.

You can listen to that at patreon.com/slash HeyRiddle Riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or start your seven-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there.

That was a Head Gum podcast.