Bonus: Hey Riddle Riddle Live from Boston 10.3.24

What the heck?

How did this episode get here?

Huh?

What?

Who?

Huh?

Aaron, you bonked your head so hard.

You guys saw that, right?

That looked really bad, right?

Yeah, but also,

this is your idea.

You said, hey, why don't we release one of our live shows from last year on the main feed

to promote

the show that we're doing in 2025?

Aaron, this was your idea.

Humming a huh?

Aaron, you keep bonking your head so hard and then waking up, pretending to be wildly confused and thinking that you're in a different time period.

Yeah, what Jimma.

What is this magic box?

That's a TV.

You're looking at a TV.

Look at a TV.

Hummin-y.

Whoa, wow.

Humminy.

Well, Aaron, since you seem to forget, your idea was that we had a lot of fun at our East Coast tour last year.

So we're going to take some of those episodes that we never released before now, and we're going to release one on the main feed.

Everyone's going to have access to it, and that might make people want to come and see us live.

And then they can go to hairdovertle.com/slash live.

And the link will be in the

description of this episode.

Yeah.

Buy tickets if they're still available because they're selling fast to our tour this year.

Yeah.

That was the premise.

So get them while they're still available.

Right.

Yeah.

But humming a little, little,

sorry.

Sorry, folks.

I've been

sitting over there.

I just, I have to say something.

Of course, my name is Dr.

McIntyre.

I'm Aaron's doctor.

Aaron, I've

been whoa.

Obviously, you called me over, and I've been looking at you and giving you some tests.

If you bonk your head one more time, I'm afraid that you will never be able to solve riddles again.

So please know.

Sir, I don't remember ever meeting you before.

Bonks head on purpose against the wall.

No more riddles.

Peace in my brain.

I find it.

Sorry.

I said you won't be able to solve riddles.

Not that you won't be able to hear riddles.

Oh, my God.

Some brain brain matters coming out of my nose.

Opens umbrella, floats out chimney.

He was a nanny the whole time.

Anyways, this is a live episode of one of our shows.

Come see us live.

You look like the Lorax, though.

Am I wrong?

I wanted to say something.

Big Wilford Brimley mustache.

Also, Aaron, can I just say, having a flying magical umbrella is not...

does not a nanny make that is an outlier for a nanny yes it does no no no oh yeah my nanny has a flying magical umbrella yours doesn't

I have a, I got a parasol this weekend at the Ren Fair because it was so hot and it kept almost blowing away.

And I'm like, if I blow away, let me go.

It means I got to go nanny some kids and teach them a lesson.

Aaron's got parasol on the parasoling, parasailing, parasol ailing, parasoling.

Come see us live.

Bye.

Better call parasol.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

My name is Arnie Parrott.

And Aaron Keefe has brought me from my beautiful home in Chicago

to play for you,

a song you may know.

Where it began,

I can't begin to know when

but when I heard it's going

strong

was in the spring

Then spring became the summer

Who could have known you'd come along

Hands

touching hands

reaching out,

touching me,

touching him

sweet Caroline.

Good times never seem so good.

I've been inclined

to believe they never would,

but

now

I

Thank you so much for coming to the first ever Hay Riddle Riddle Live show in Boston, Massachusetts.

Every inch of this show you will see this evening is handcrafted by none other than Boston's own Erin Keith.

Including the songs that I am singing, the clothes that we are wearing, and the various and sundry Boston-related bits she has demanded we do.

Sweet Caroline,

good times never seem so good.

And I've been inclined

to believe there never would.

But now

I have just one question.

Are you guys fucking ready for a show?

I'm sorry, I'm gonna do something I saw at a Patriots game.

I'm gonna put my hands to my ears and I'm gonna ask the same question.

Are you guys ready for a show?

Well,

then let's fucking go.

He stood on a block of ice.

Bolts of them were goldfish.

It was the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an icicle.

Aaron fucked us.

Aaron fucked us.

There's got to be like six people here that watch sports.

I think I flipped off all six of them.

On behalf of JPC and I, we love the New York Yankees.

We love

catcher Ben Rice.

Woo!

We love left field Alex Verdugu.

We love center field Jiz Chasholm.

Jazz Chisholm.

Freudian Giz.

We love Aaron Judge.

Hey, these guys have worked hard to become professional athletes.

They might not deserve your respect,

but they don't deserve your booze.

Oh, wait, there's a letter that says

Adult Plus JPC.

Also,

does your hat have a sticker with your age on it?

Mine does.

Okay, let's see.

I don't even know what the fuck mine means.

What the fuck is New Year'sy?

Doesn't make any sense.

All right, it's a letter from Aaron.

It says,

Dear Adult JPC and the great people of Boston.

You know, we're not in Boston.

Everybody's saying Boston.

This is not Boston.

This is Somerville?

This is Somerville.

Somerville.

Who's here from Cambridge?

Anyone here from Hingham?

Who went to Harvard?

Honestly, the people who did are so smart, they knew not to clap.

Yeah.

Big Boston college crowd here.

Okay, there's nothing wrong with that.

Hey, how are you?

That's good.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it to the show.

What the fuck?

I would have absolutely loved to watch the people of Boston, again, this is Somerville,

kill you with their fists for wearing Yankees gear.

Oh, that's what this is.

Pretty insane that I did that, huh?

You could have died.

I put my friends in some real danger.

Fundamental misunderstanding of our crowd.

Who comes to see these shows?

Any hoodie.

Worse fans, violent people.

The Venn diagram of our fans, and that's a null set.

Any hoodle, it would have been a dream to attend our first ever Boston live show, but I flew back here and got a little distracted.

I remember that mom ride at Jordan's Furniture existed.

Okay, and I had to go check to see if it was still open.

Who remembers Jordan's Furniture?

Is Jordan here?

On Mother's Day of 1992, the motion Odyssey movie, aka Mom, opened at Jordan's Furniture after five years of planning and a $2.5 million investment.

It's a theme ride originally produced by George Lucas.

Does anyone remember this?

It was like 40x before 4DX existed and it happened at a furniture store?

Why did a furniture store do this?

I'm reading her letter.

I know how much you guys love 4DX movies, so I had to go and see.

Oh, because we didn't get invited to it?

A phone call, a text.

It turns out it stopped in 2018 or whatever.

But does anyone else remember Barry and Elliot from the Jordan's Furniture Ads?

Are Barry and Elliot here?

Oh, it says they're deceased.

Oh, and don't mention that.

Okay.

Are people here too young to remember both the brothers?

One left the company in 2006 or something to produce Broadway shows?

Is this common knowledge?

No, I guess it's not.

I thought they had some big falling out.

I hope they're okay and still get along.

What am I reading?

Also, I just remembered Bernie and Phils.

Is that like Ben and Jerry's, but Boston?

They had the better theme song.

I'm too scared to Google if they are still alive.

Wait, let's Google it.

Yeah, Bernie and Phil's.

Quality, comfort, and price.

That.

Okay.

It didn't say that they would finish, but they did.

You would not believe how Phils is spelled.

Bernie right on the nose.

Phils.

anyway, enjoy your time in Boston.

Love always Aaron.

She's not really, is she not?

She's passing out Duncan Donuts

Is she wearing fucking sunglasses?

It's nighttime.

We're indoors.

Wall dropkick Murphy's place.

Don't give donuts to the balcony, people.

Oh my god.

She went up into the balcony.

Wow.

All right, I guess.

Wow, that guy really wanted a donut.

He reached over people to get a donut.

How many doughnuts does she have?

This is like Jesus and his fish.

A dozen doughnuts fed 400 people.

Don't fall, Aaron.

Do not fall.

Aaron, it's not worth it.

Jump, jump, jump, jump,

jump.

She's shaking hands with some older members of the audience.

She had a whole song to get on stage.

There's another song.

How many songs do we have to?

Oh my god.

She's out of there,

so she did.

We're getting spin it out.

I'm fucking all

the way to the bottom.

Webster's dictionary defines pander as

intransitive verb to act as a pander, especially to provide gratification for others' desires.

Well, I'm tuckered out.

That's about all the energy I had for this.

You know Aaron's old man puzzles when the first 10 minutes of the show is that.

Just a heads up, I did Google

Bernie and Phil dead, and it's this sad, I'm not going to read it aloud.

It is legit the saddest thing

I've ever seen.

If you've ever seen the...

If you've ever seen the documentary, Dear Zachary, this is sadder than Dear Zachary.

You have to read it.

No!

No!

I'll read it.

No!

This is truly the saddest thing I've ever seen.

You're right, you're right.

Wait, we'll save it as a little treat.

No!

Okay, anyways, welcome to Hay Riddle Riddle.

That was the best 10 minutes of my life.

I tried to find the row that's my family.

Usually in high school, when I was doing like a musical or whatever, I would find the row.

You did that in high school as well?

Yeah, I did.

In Sweetie Todd, I just came out and did that for 10 minutes.

But the way I find my family is I look for the row of glasses because they all have terrible eyesight.

Like, oh, my family's here.

Thanks, guys, for coming.

My whole family is here.

And my aunt Barbara came on her birthday, so happy birthday to my aunt Barbara.

Wow, happy birthday, happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday to you.

Happy birthday, dear Barbara.

Happy birthday to you.

And as a treat, as maybe a special little treat, let's have Aunt Barbara read that article.

No, no.

No.

No.

What was I going to say?

Oh,

I'm so happy to be here.

This is sort of a dream come true.

I've been talking about this for six years, and the fact that anybody showed up means so much to me.

So thank you for being here.

I do feel really bad that I made you guys wear what you're wearing.

So I decided I'm going to let you earn some Red Sox clothes by answering riddles correctly.

Oh!

Wow, normally I don't like to make more waste, but I'd gladly throw away two t-shirts tonight.

All right, this is one of the worst riddle books I've ever read.

So these are impossible to get.

You're just getting into it.

Yeah.

Oh, should we talk about this is both the most you and the least you I've ever seen you.

I know.

Well, do you want to talk about bullshit for a little bit?

We should talk.

Well, not bullshit.

We should talk about Boston.

Okay, let's talk about Boston.

What do you want to talk about?

Are you talking Mark Walberg?

What are you talking about?

Actually, Mother, what do you want to talk about?

You got in today.

You got in last night.

I got in yesterday morning, but I slept 13 hours.

Yeah.

We thought you were dead.

I woke up to text from my sister, sister, my wife, and Erin, all thinking I was dead.

Yeah.

And I know to give you 24 hours to respond,

because I don't know which 10-hour period is a sleep time for you.

I ran over a witch's child.

Yeah.

And since then.

Classic Boston.

Yeah.

I forgot to ask this.

Who has never heard of our show before, never heard an episode?

Yeah.

Yeah.

A couple people from my family, a couple significant others.

Aunt Barbara raised her hand real fast.

Not to throw.

And I went to Harvard too, should I say now?

Oh, I heard that.

That was very funny.

My dad, not to throw my dad under the bus, but my dad said that he gave us a shot for the first year, and he hasn't listened since.

Okay.

He hears bits and pieces when my mom listens, and that's plenty.

Well, we're a riddles and puzzles podcast, if you haven't heard us before.

If you've never been to a live show before, we are going to read riddles, and we're going to try our best to answer them.

The one rule we have, there's probably more than one, but the one I'm going to talk about is: don't shout out answers to the riddles.

If you think that you know the answer to the riddle, I want you to like look to the person next to you and go,

You don't have to say anything, but it could be like a

just look smug.

Yeah, yeah, and we'll give you a thumbs up.

Um, something I thought that's fairly important, if you don't mind, sure, just to take 20 seconds.

Backstage Aaron approached me.

I'm just getting a little emotional.

You're just trying to get emotional or you are.

She said with so much sincerity.

She said, Adel, and she had that look in her eye of like, please.

She said, Adel, please don't make me do a boss and accent

because I'm so scared to do it in front of these people.

And I just thought that was the sweetest thing in the world.

And she said, I said, I'm going to tell everybody that.

And she goes, don't.

And here we are.

Well, I'll try one, but later.

Okay.

I'll read that article in a Boston accent at the end of the show.

Again, we've got to move on from the article.

People.

It is desperately sad.

I cannot wait for you to hear it.

So this first one's kind of easy.

Okay.

Okay.

And it starts with this fun thing where it goes, now for a riddle, as if this whole book isn't riddles.

Now for a riddle.

Thank God they had a person looking pensive on the front.

sure.

What has rivers but no water?

Cities.

Oh, sorry.

What has rivers but no water?

Cities but no buildings.

And forest but no trees.

Weezer?

What has Weezer but no water?

River but no water.

That would be my own private Idaho.

No.

It's got rivers but no water.

Cities but no.

Cities?

Cities but no buildings.

And forests but no trees.

And this is a riddle so it's annoying.

Do your parents care if we curse?

Uh, yeah.

Never stopped me, though.

Only encouraged me to curse more.

Can we say Boston curse words?

Slurs?

No.

And that's commentary.

And that, and we are, and we're hearing that, and we're learning.

We know.

We know who we are.

Is it a freaking map?

It's a map.

It is a map.

Freaking, too.

Whoa.

Whoa.

I'll wait till I have the full outfit.

Honestly, I would trade everything I'm wearing for a Jiz Chaslam jersey.

We'll get you one when we go.

His first name, please.

To go.

Okay.

Do you have any players with the last name, Jiz?

It's not a difficult request.

I don't know why I'm being asked to leave.

I've never been asked to leave a website before.

I thought this was a chat bot.

Close your browser.

Please close your browser.

Close your browser.

Close your browser.

This one is called Bottled Up, and this is one of my favorite riddles I've read in a while.

Oh, is this a Sarah Borrela song?

Yeah.

Okay.

A cleaning woman.

Speaking of songs, give it up again for Arnie Parrot.

Yeah.

He'll sing again.

He'll be back.

He might sing another song later.

A cleaning woman asked the man she worked for if she could take home his empty bottles.

When she got home, she threw them out.

Why did she do this?

Insane.

Oh, yeah.

Crazy insane.

She's like the Joker.

Yeah, it says she's like the joker.

You want to know how I got these bottles?

This is impossible to get.

Oh, he says you.

Yeah.

Yeah, this is bad.

I'm so close to Harvard, I feel like my brain is growing four sizes.

I feel like I'm siphoning off the smart.

It's all being sucked off into my body.

How close are we to MIT right now?

Close.

Oh, earlier when I asked my friend Connor, I was like, can you run and grab some Dunkin' Donuts donuts for me?

I think

there's one close.

And he was like, there's one 600 feet away.

He like immediately knew he was like, I know exactly where Dunkeys is.

Okay, so what is the answer to this?

I'll read read it one more time.

A cleaning woman asked the man she worked for if she could take home his empty bottles.

When she got home, she threw them out.

Why did she do this?

Did he say yes?

Or did she ask him and he was like kind of like vague about it?

And she was like, well, I don't know.

Do I take him home now?

We had the conversation.

Yeah, it's that nuanced.

I don't remember an exact yes, but we talked about it.

Did this woman work for Howard Hughes when he was in his later period of life?

No.

Okay.

Because he walked around in Kleenex boxes and piston bottles.

And people would try and take it, and he goes, not my bottles.

Look it up.

The, yeah, I, this one, I think he gave her the bottle.

She gave her the bottle.

She said you have it.

Okay, are these, and this man is at the end of his life, or is that something that you added?

That's something he added.

Okay.

I think we're getting lost in the science.

Is this like a recycling situation?

No.

Okay.

But that's a good guess.

Oh, does anybody here know it?

She made like 12 six.

I wouldn't know how anyone would know it.

This is an insane answer.

Does this rely on me knowing like a very

specific historical thing about no, it's not like there are some of those in here, though?

Okay, okay, good.

I'm glad I asked.

I do want to see a scene.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, go ahead.

Aaron,

you are in service to a person you clean someone's house.

JPC, you are.

That was the weirdest way I've ever heard that phrase.

That sentence made me dizzy.

That was like,

I feel like I was sitting next to Mitt Romney.

No, don't do this.

Don't just say proper nouns that they might know.

I feel like I'm at a Bane Capital right now.

No, don't.

Lower.

Lower.

JPC, you are Mickey Mouse.

Who is this?

Do we change it?

Do we change this either?

Is this the same scene?

Okay.

Same scene.

I'm just trying to punish you for what you said.

Got it.

Got it.

Oh.

Sorry, do you want to?

I'm occupied.

I mean, the door is wide open.

It's my house.

Great.

Yes, yeah, of course, of course.

And I'm done anyway.

I can't.

When people are talking, I can't.

Yeah.

Sorry.

Yes.

This is a little invasive.

I'm just noticing as I'm cleaning your place.

Did Minnie move out?

Yes.

Yes, like this morning.

Right.

I saw all of her stuff at Goofy's house and I was like,

what the heck?

I always forget.

You sleep with Goofy.

I mean, I work.

I mean, yeah.

I mean, yeah.

Wait, what?

What do you mean, yeah?

I mean, yeah, I just.

You work?

I clean all the Disney characters' houses.

Okay, but you sleep with Goofy.

Yeah, so does Minnie.

What's your point?

Well, I'm just, I didn't want it to seem like that's our arrangement because it's obviously not.

I know.

We cut to Goofy's house.

Dorsch, uh, Dorsch, uh, Dorsch.

My parents are here.

Scene.

This is a cursed, cursed podcast.

I'm going to tell you the end.

He was playing Helldivers 2.

Okay.

And he was about to get to the final.

She took home the man.

Your dad's like, I might have to start fucking listening.

This shit's actually pretty funny.

No.

Here's the answer to the riddle.

Goofy railing my daughter?

Here's the answer to the riddle.

I knew they would do this, and I knew they would do this.

And can I tell you something?

In Chicago, we always talk about how there was a curse that anytime you had a family member at the show, it would be the grossest improv you've ever done ever.

And I thought, these two are professional.

They have self-control.

And the second I saw their fucking faces today, I was like, they're going to do some shit.

I have to Venmo JPC $200 because I said he would not say what he just said.

Here's the answer to the riddle.

She took home the man's empty champagne bottles after a party.

She then left them out.

Don't say, oh.

Oh.

Someone said, oh, champagne bottles.

She then left them out with her garbage for collection in order to impress her neighbors.

I'd like to see a scene.

Adel.

Oh, what the fuck?

Adel, you're trying to.

Hey!

You're an alcoholic, huh?

Adel, I'd like to see a scene.

You are clearly putting out a bunch of fake trash to indicate that you had a really cool party to impress your neighbor, played by JBC.

Quiet as possible, quiet as possible.

Big stretch, put down some moet

bottles

hey Jeff

hey hey sorry you're do you need to use my trash cans you're putting stuff in in my trash cans oh what did I put it on top of the lid is that where the trash goes I'm so drunk off moet

that's okay yeah

seems like the person you think is a dumb bitch is actually pretty cultured

So I guess those emails will stop, huh?

Jeff, I guess I should apologize.

I mean, I get pretty heated in those emails.

It just seems like,

you know, there's a leash law.

So it's just like if you could just abide by the leash law, that's for sure.

Yeah.

Well, this party I just had with this bottle of Moet was off the chain, so I don't know if that counts as off the leash.

But again, it's a leash law to be on the leash.

So that's kind of the...

Sure.

Seems like you had a pretty big party last night.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

We all passed this bottle of Moet around.

All 100 of us.

A lot of celebrities.

A lot of.

Name a celebrity.

Who's your biggest crush?

Ana de Armes?

She was there.

She was there.

Yep.

Ana de Arms was there.

Ana dearms.

Well, that's truly very impressive.

Yep.

Yeah.

Seems like you had a really great night with your bottle.

John Lake Mazamo.

Arms and the legs.

Ana dearms, John Lake Zamamo.

We all drank the one bottle of Moet, then we played spin the bottle.

We all started

not fucking Aaron.

We all started drawing.

Okay, yeah, some of their parents were there.

John Leguizamo's parents were at your party as well.

Yep.

Mr.

and Mrs.

Langma Mamo.

Yeah, well, hey, man, I'm so glad to see you out in the neighborhood.

I did like an opposite of a noise complaint for your house last night.

It was so quiet, I was worried that you were dead.

Oh,

interesting.

Yeah, he was just telling me he was actually had a party with Anada Armis and John Leguizambo and John Leguizambo's parents last night.

And

they drank this one bottle of Moet.

Hey, I'm just trying not to die.

Okay?

He's in my garage.

Yeah, yeah.

Is this about the leash?

What's that?

The leash email?

I guess so.

Okay.

I guess that's what it's about.

Don't say good luck.

Don't leave.

So yeah, yesterday morning I had the president of Sonos come in and he sort of soundproofed our house.

That's probably why it was sounded like the absence of why don't we, speaking of houses, why don't we all go in our houses and put our clothes on?

See.

Thank you.

Okay.

Sorry, Aunt Barbara.

She doesn't care.

She's cool.

They're all cool.

They're all great.

They're fine.

Everything's fine.

Doesn't seem the way Erin said she's cool.

They're all cool.

They also...

What?

What?

Okay.

Here's another riddle.

Okay.

The teacher gave Ben, and these names don't matter.

The teacher gave Ben and Jerry a written test.

Can you use George and Phil?

Yes.

Were those their names?

I forgot their names already.

The

teachers gave Matt and Ben a written test.

Ben read the test and Philip Apple's just on angel.

now my time is down

can you wait another hour 80 minutes I'm sorry every time Goofy comes

to dinner to dinner

when we do a show in Indiana I'm gonna act like a monster oh yeah okay

that's fine

I wish I knew how to hurt.

You can't, though.

You can't.

Ben read the test, then folded his arms.

My dad listens to the show.

He does?

Yeah, I think so.

That's good.

Sometimes he texts me about shit that we haven't talked about, and I'm like, the podcast.

Oh, right.

You've heard it on the podcast.

Ben read the test, then folded his arms, and answered none of the questions.

Matt carefully wrote out good answers to the questions.

When time was up, Ben handed in a blank sheet of paper while Matt handed in his work.

The teacher gave Ben an A and Matt a C.

Why?

Can you read the first part of that red wall again?

Oh, it's so long.

I'm so close to knowing that.

The teacher gave Ben and Matt a written test.

Ben read the test, then folded his arms and answered none of the questions.

Got it.

Matt carefully wrote out good answers to the questions.

I just put so much of my mouth on the mic.

I was so gross.

I'm so sorry.

Don't say shit like that to me if you don't want me to say shit that you don't want your dad to hear.

Jerry, I read the wrong name again.

Matt carefully wrote out good answers to the questions.

When time was up, Ben handed in a blank sheet of paper while Matt handed in his work.

The teacher gave Ben an A and Matt a C.

Why?

Is it something where like the test said,

if you're thoroughly reading this, disregard

it or something like that?

Is it really?

If you made it to the end of the test, don't answer the questions.

Feel free to go and change the teacher.

I feel like that was like an urban legend that I heard a lot when I was in school.

That like, read all the, they would put, like, read all the instructions carefully at the top of the test, and then the very last question would be like, don't worry about the test, it's on the house.

Oh, here he is.

That shit would never happen to me, though.

Do you want to go to the next one?

I would turn in the test, and they would be like, you wrote that thing at the end of the test that says, don't worry about the test.

I'm like, no fucking way I wrote it.

And they're like, prove it.

It's in pencil.

It's in pencil.

It's written in blood, and you're bleeding.

Do you want to try to get a riddle quick before Adel comes back?

Oh, yeah, I'd love a quickie.

What took 19 years to get into itself?

Are you sure?

Babe!

Oh, man, how embarrassing.

That was an expensive shirt.

Okay, what took 19 years to get into itself?

Are you sure you want me to give the answer to this riddle in front of your family?

What was it?

What took 13 years to do?

What took

19 years to get into itself?

What took 19 years to get into itself?

Yeah.

Actually, I...

The ska scene?

This is actually a great riddle, I think.

What took 19 years to get into itself?

It's fun.

This is a fun one.

Is this like a, so I'm thinking like

college admission, because that takes about 19 years.

This is going to mess me up so bad

to get into itself.

I would think like the Ouroboros, because at first the Ouroboros is like, I don't want to, not my own tail.

Yeah.

And after like 19 years of like coming to terms and like philosophy and like

emotional.

I want to see a quick screen.

This is the first day the Ouroboros decided just

to try tasting their own tail.

And Aaron, you're like the moon or whatever.

You're like his buddy, like the stars, or whatever.

Who cares?

And you don't have to fuck anybody or suck anything or whatever.

You can just be the moon, like a non-sexual moon.

The moon is the most sexual of all the things in space, so take it easy.

Go ahead, go ahead.

Do your scene.

Do your scene.

Thanks for coming out tonight, Moon.

It's a big day for me.

Yeah, no problem.

I'm here to support any way I can.

Thank you.

Yeah.

I know you go through a lot of phases.

I do.

Waxing and waning.

I do.

And you're full of yourself.

Well, that's a crazy thing to say to a friend.

That's a crazy thing to say to a treasured friend.

Yeah, I would say I'm like full.

I wouldn't say of myself.

You're a bit of a lunatic.

Hey, that's horrible.

You're trying to hurt me.

You're the origin of the word.

Okay, I'm gonna get the sun in here.

I sort of feel like I need to get the sound.

No, not the sun.

Hey, son, do you have a minute?

Oh, yeah.

You got the raisin brand, son?

I did.

Yeah?

What's up, party people?

Moon don't usually see you.

Whoa, Auroboros.

What'd it do?

Hey, do I have your wrong number?

I'm like always texting you guy.

well I talk to the night sky you've been texting Aurora Borealis.

Oh my god, awkward city

Today's a big day or tonight's a big night Moran's day I guess yeah when I'm here it's day

I'm gonna finally complete the circle

and we're here to support oh cool we get to watch

Raisin Brand Sun this you have two strikes

I'm working on my third

So

maybe just some encouraging words as I sort of.

Okay.

You got it.

Yeah,

go for it.

Get on that thing.

No.

No.

I wanted to make that joke.

I wanted to be the one.

Yeah.

Oh, he's going to go change.

Okay, yeah.

What took 19 years to get into it?

This feels like it's like the baseball hall of fame or something like that, where it's like

there's like a

book.

It's a book.

And it took 19 years to get into itself.

It took 19 years to get into itself.

Oh, oh.

Oh, yeah.

Is it the freaking like dictionary?

Is it the encyclopedia?

No.

Is it the thesaurus?

No.

It's a book that took 19 years to get into itself.

The Bible?

No.

Yay!

Uh-oh, let's punish Erin so she can't return this.

No.

What's another very popular book?

Oh, Angels and Demons.

I mean, you ask.

You wouldn't start with Angels and Demons.

You'd start with the Da Vinci Code.

It's the Da Vinci Code, right?

Classic amateur move.

Classic mistake not starting with the sequel.

This took 19 years to sort of.

That's like a long time.

Not really.

Yeah, it's a long time.

No.

Yeah, so it's like a long time.

And you have to, it took a while.

So it was published, and they had to sell a certain amount of copies.

And once it sold enough copies, it went and maybe set a record.

Is this the Guinness book of World Records?

I kind of gave that one to you.

Should I give him a half?

Wait,

what does it set the record for?

She said, was like, no.

Second best-selling book of all time.

Second best-selling book of all time?

No one will ever know what the first one is.

No, I think we know.

It's Angels and Demons.

Angels and Demons, number one with a bullet.

A bullet.

Number two, origins.

Surprise.

Number three, deception points.

Surprise, surprise.

Number four,

sapiens.

Sapiens.

Here comes another dumb riddle.

This one's really dumb.

Okay.

Why did Alexander the Great order all of his men to shave?

Okay, there's something about a

so they could beard the best of them.

It's not like a fun wordplay joke.

What?

Why not?

I don't know.

This is the setup of a fun wordplay joke.

Could it be?

Could we make it one?

I mean, if you can figure it out, Mr.

Puns, if you can figure that out.

Easy.

Alexander the Great, what do we know about him?

Greek?

Okay.

What do we know about Greeks?

Kalamata olives?

Easy.

Now we just work backwards between Alexander the Great and Kalamata Olos.

Can't find a Fetiman.

Is it can't find a Fetaman?

Yep.

Can't find a Fetiman.

That's a lot of fun.

Why did Alexander the Great...

Oh, is it because Hannibal had elephants and

Alexander the Great was like, we need a thing?

No.

This is just sort of like, actually think like logically.

Because you couldn't, it's almost like in today's day and age, there's a lot of like, you wouldn't hit a guy with glasses back then.

They were like, you wouldn't hit a boy who hasn't grown his facial hair.

Is this about inter-army kissing?

No.

I think I'm just going to have to give it to you.

Beards.

Beards, beards.

Bearded men could be grabbed by the beard in close combat.

What the fuck?

I'd like to see a scene.

I dare

I dare you to show me one YouTube video or vine.

A vine?

Grandpa, Vine?

Vine burned down like seven years ago.

Of somebody in close quarters combat grabbing someone by the beard.

Are people making vines of close quarters combat?

If I had a close-quarters combat instructor that was like, never have a beard for an opponent, they can use the beard against you, I'd be like, I think I need a new teacher.

I think this guy doesn't know what the fuck he's talking about.

I'd like to see a scene.

You two are on the battlefield, and you're on opposite sides, and you've sort of run out of ideas, so now you're just like sort of pulling each other's hair and

resorting to some childlike behavior.

Gotcha.

Well, my sword broke.

I actually killed the eye with my spear, and it stayed in him.

Well, okay, then.

I actually killed the eye with my spear, and it stayed in him.

All right, so

I have a question for you.

What?

How are you going to participate in the rest of the battle when I got your fucking nose?

Come on, hey, come on, hey, come on.

Surrender.

Hey, come on.

Surrender if if you want your nose back surrender if you want your nose back

surrender if you want your nose back oh yeah yeah what are you gonna do um uh-oh someone's got a finger in his tummy i what oh someone's got a finger in his tummy

uh oh

uh oh

uh oh

circle circle dot dot motherfucker

what hey time out time out time out what I'm I'm sorry I know that we said no chemical warfare but

what the fuck hey real quick real quick quick real quick gave you a cootie shot real quick uh-huh i'm 42 what is circle circle dot

circle circle dot dot now you got a cootie shot no cool i understand all you soldiers are like under 40

but i'm saying i've i'm the general of this army i don't know what you're talking about i don't think you're the general of this army you're down here with all the just like regular guys because i know like um fudge fudge lemonade or whatever like i know that stuff fudge fudge no no no no that's too much fudge

Hey, guys.

Hey, guys.

We know it as fudge, fudge, lemonade, right?

Ru, rude, rude, gouash, you making those sense.

You're making those sense.

You said that, and the guy on the horse, who appears to be the general, looked the other way.

That's one of your guys.

That's

not one of your guys.

That's your guy looks an awful lot like you.

That looks like maybe like a younger brother of yours.

Yeah, you guys are shirts and wear skins.

Oh, the horse is one of ours.

The horse is one of ours.

Yeah, yeah, exactly.

We don't have any questions.

Oh, I meant to tell you, loser says what?

What?

We just won the war, just idiot.

We just

won the war.

We just won the war.

We just won the war.

We just won the whole war, not just this battle.

We just won the whole war.

We just won the whole war.

We just won the whole war.

All three of them are stabbed.

See you.

This is way better than recording in my closet.

No one ever claps for me when I finish this.

I do think circle, circle, dot, dot, getting the cootie shot is good.

It inoculates you against the cooties.

No, so how much?

No, I think it injects you with cooties.

Can you show me how you do?

I truly, I don't know.

You would just do like circle cotton.

I'm sorry, you did not go to Harvard.

Now you have the cootie.

What do you know?

Neither did I.

Circle, circle, dot, dot.

Now you've got the cootie shot.

Yeah, because otherwise it would imply that kids were going around injecting each other with cooties.

Yeah, but that's the point.

That's the point.

We weren't vaccinating each other against cooties.

Oh, I think we were.

Did you go to an anti-vax school?

Do you guys know.

You gave my daughter the cootie shot?

No, I have two minutes at this school board meeting.

I'm going to use all of them.

Aaron, say the word and I'll make Goofy come.

No, don't.

We can make this all go away.

Wait.

We can make this all go away.

Aaron, you know the word that makes goofy come?

Say it, Aaron.

Say it.

It's gorsh.

Gorsh.

Do you guys know?

What is this?

Gorsch should be the worst word.

Every once in a while I black back into my life and I go, how did I get here?

What is this?

Where am I?

Do you guys know, in all sincerity, do you guys know

Miss Susie?

Miss Susie has a chance.

So some of my stuff trickled down.

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

You created that?

That was you?

You're working late in the lab on that one?

Miss Susie has a child.

Where is she?

Molly, keep taught me that.

I lost a wheel.

My sister Molly taught me that.

What else?

No, that's not believable.

They'll never believe Batman would lose a wheel.

Thank Cattle.

Thanks.

Honestly, the Batmobile would never.

No.

I forgot to keep track of time.

History's greatest detective.

He would have backups on backups on backups for that.

They're carbon wheels.

A boxer left the ring after winning the world championship.

Boxer's a dog.

It's a dog championship.

Yes!

Here's a big question.

I have something way worse planned for the New York show.

Throw it out there.

Throw it out there.

Hell yeah.

Okay.

I saw a man I had.

Get him!

Wear it with Ryan.

I saw a man I had never seen before, but I immediately knew who he was.

He was not famous and had never been described to me.

He was not unusual, nor did he say anything unusual.

How did I recognize him?

Name tag, stamp.

Stamp?

This is a guy from Stamps.

No.

This is the upside down plane from the Stamps.

This This is a man from Stamps.

No, it is not.

This is like, I met a man from Stamps.

This is one of those obscure historical figures like Jonathan Taylor Thomas or something.

Yeah.

Or is a man from Stapes?

Oh, Stapes.

Wow.

Stapes that.

I saw a man I had never seen before, but I immediately knew who he was.

Oh, this is like a dad?

No.

Oh, he looks like you, and you're like, I'm adopted, and this is my dad.

It's a twin.

It's an identical twin.

It is a twin.

Dads can be twins.

He was the identical twin brother of someone I know well.

Oh, it wasn't

their twin.

No.

I thought it was their twin.

I do want to see a scene.

Okay.

The two of you are twins.

You were separated at birth.

Great.

You're now in your later years and you're meeting for the first time by accident.

Hey, can I buy you a drink?

I don't see why not.

I regret this immediately.

Actually, if you want to just settle up here, I actually have a room at this hotel.

Did anyone ever tell you you look like a movie star?

No, I've never been told that.

I hope you don't mind.

I'm obviously wearing a wedding ring.

I'm here with my husband.

Do you know Goofy?

Seen, seen, seen, seen!

On Sean Grouch!

No, no, seen.

That's the Swedish chef.

That's the Swedish chef.

That's the Swedish chef.

Sorry, whenever we stay at a hotel like this, I always make the Swedish chef put their name down.

It's goofy.

Onchamp Grouche!

This is a mess.

Okay.

A certain bed in a certain hospital acquires the reputation of being unlucky.

Whichever patient is assigned to this bed seems to die there on a Friday evening.

A watch is kept by a camera, and the reason is discovered.

What is it?

It's always a Friday evening?

Yeah, it's always a Friday.

Okay, SNL comes on on Saturday.

So that's not it.

So that's nothing.

That can't be.

That's nothing, really.

Is this like a bed of mashed potatoes?

No, but I like the way you think.

Is this a bed of mashed potatoes?

Is this a hospital like a steak hospital?

A steak hospital?

Yeah.

You've never been to steak hospital?

Okay.

Milwaukee's number one date spot?

Tell me you've never been to steak hospital without telling me.

Can I get 10 cc's of A1?

Is this a hospital right here?

It's a real hospital.

It's a real hospital.

And people are really dying.

Every Friday night?

Every Friday.

So there's a bed where someone dies every Friday.

Yep.

Is this from that article that we weren't supposed to read?

Yeah, no.

You guys, it's worse than you're imagining.

Okay.

Oh, God.

Yeah, it's really bad.

And it's every Friday night.

Is it always just one person that dies?

Yeah, in the same bed.

In the same bed?

Is it like the death bed?

No.

Like, is there a bed where they move patients where they're like beyond the pale?

Yeah, this is my question.

They're probably in pretty bad shape when they make it to this bed, but they're not dying because of the.

Do hospitals, and this is me showing my ignorance, do they have like a kill shelter equivalent for hospitals?

Will they all have like a black cat who

sits on the bed of the person who's just ever Boston live show?

Yeah, I guess if no one comes and picks him up, I mean

He's too sick to just release him out into the

your grandpa went to a farm upstate

What do you think?

What do you think?

Can you read it one more time?

Yeah.

Yes, I can

If I can find it, yes a certain bed in a certain hospital acquires the reputation of being unlucky Whichever patient is assigned to this bed seems to die there on a Friday evening a watch is kept by a camera and the reason is discovered.

What is it?

Is the bed like is it like Nurse Melvin, the slippery nurse or something like that?

Like is it like okay coming to NBC this fall

take all my money.

No, it is, it is maybe someone who is about to get fired for sure.

Okay.

Is this like somebody who's like not washing their hands before they like come back to work?

They're not a nurse or they're not a doctor, but they work at the hospital.

Oh, in the middle of the janitor.

Yeah.

This is a janitor from Scrubs.

It is a janitor.

This is Neil Flynn killing people with

Neil Flynn?

No.

It's a janitor.

It's a cleaning person, yeah.

Okay.

And is it like, what else has a bed that's, is it like a mop bed?

A better roses?

Yeah.

A better roses.

Well, what are they cleaning with?

What do people clean with?

Mops.

Bleach.

Not mops.

Not bleach.

Poison.

It's a sort of a device you use to clean.

Skelter.

My brain took so long to realize what you had just said.

Power washer?

Is it a power washer?

No.

Is it power washing at all?

It's more common than that.

Because if you turn that on an old person, their skin

right off.

There's a setting for old people.

If you power wash someone who's old, you have to use the right setting.

It's like paint, cements, asphalt, old.

Yeah.

And it takes it right off.

You would need this device for maybe like a rug.

You would need it for a rug.

Real cleaner.

No.

Steam.

You're thinking too hard.

What's something I've got?

Vacuum.

They've been vacuuming the people to death.

No, they.

Oh, no, they vacuumed up the people.

No, they don't have to do that.

We got there because of you, Aaron.

We got there because of you.

Thank you, Aaron.

You helped us.

You can't be disappointed.

No, no.

Okay, I'm going to tell you what it is.

Are these people that are getting shrunk down, like that Matt Damon movie?

Did anyone see that?

No one.

Inner space?

I watched that on.

This is a peek into my mental health this year.

You know when on TikTok, someone will break a movie into like 600 parts?

And it's like 3 in the morning and you're in your bed and you're like, I'll watch this Matt Damon movie

in 30-second chunks.

Wow, I didn't know people did that.

I watched Lawless that way.

Oh, yeah.

I was like, ooh, Tom Hardy must be good.

I also watched the Hugh Jackman Jake Gyllenhaal horror thriller.

What is it called?

What is that one?

Prisoner.

Is it Prisoner?

Yeah, I watched it that.

It was meant to be seen on TikTok in 800 parts.

I'll tell you that.

Prisoner seems like a children's storybook compared to what happened to George and Phil.

Oh, so he sucked this guy off or whatever?

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, Vac come.

No, no, no.

I wish I had a bleep.

I wish Casey was here with a button for you guys.

Okay.

Every Friday morning, a cleaning woman comes to the ward with a vacuum cleaner.

The most convenient electrical socket.

It's a motion

to which the patient's life support machine is connected oh man

no offense this woman's dumb as shit

wait hold on listen to this this gets dumber this is a training issue this is not her fault no wait wait for this this is a training issue this is an orientation issue there's a hospital administrator that bears the blame for this um oh no at the end of this is i think it's based on true events she unplugs they got fucked over by a hospital administrator whatever she unplugs this for a few minutes while she does her work.

The noise of the vacuum cleaner covers the patient's dying gas.

Honestly, that's for the best.

I'd like to see a scene.

I don't know what it is yet, but.

Careful.

Should I see it now?

We should move on.

Suppose in the ICU?

No, I'll move on.

I'll do another riddle.

I'll move on.

What two items does a boy have at 10 years of age that he did not have when he was one years old?

Stress and gumption.

Yeah.

No.

These are two items that a boy has at 10 that he doesn't have at what?

One.

Like, is it like one adult tooth?

No.

Pubes?

Did you only have one adult tooth at 10?

At 10?

Yeah, what age?

Do you get adult teeth?

Oh, yeah.

It's got to be around that, right?

No, no, no.

You have more.

You have more.

At 10?

At 10, you'll be able to get to the 10.

You'll never figure this out.

No, you lose.

Everyone here is so smart.

You definitely have more than one because you lose all your teeth by like the third grade, right?

No?

Okay,

ask a crowd in Boston how they lost their teeth.

This is not going to go.

Well, I was being wicked right in an argument and Mickey Smith.

That's the worst Boston accent I've ever seen.

This is a Boston account.

Erin, do yours.

Okay.

She disappeared.

A one-year-old boy doesn't have it, and a 10-year-old boy has it, and it's two items.

Yeah.

Do these items go together?

Are they like a tandem item?

It's like a cub scout.

They're two of the same thing.

They're two of the same thing.

Yeah.

Two of the same thing.

Okay, so we don't know when you lose your baby teeth.

When do you lose your baby eyes?

Hey, I think that's another Sarah Borela song, Aaron.

Take it away.

Oh, boy.

Wait, while they're thinking, what is the age that you lose your your last tooth?

Four or five.

12?

You were 13.

Okay.

Okay.

Do you know the answer to that?

Is it like dress shoes for a wedding?

Oh, yeah.

10-year-old dress shoes never wedded.

A one-year-old can wear little dress shoes?

They can wear dress shoes.

This is not an article of clothing.

It's not an article of clothing.

It's not something you put on your body.

It's a preposition of clothing.

No, that's funny.

So the gerund of clothing.

That's funny.

First bunk bed, first.

Is this something like

a sibling?

No.

Is this something internal?

Like, is it like a...

Okay.

A tonsil?

No.

A tonsil.

Oh, when do your balls drop?

No, it's not that.

It's not that.

Okay, it's not your balls.

It's not your one tonsil.

You have a little baby, and I think that might help to think of your little baby.

Okay, now I want to cry.

What does your little baby not have right now?

Respect for me?

For sure.

Is that bad?

They're also pretty squishy, this baby, huh?

Don't fucking fucking fucking.

Squish my fucking baby.

I'll fuck you goofy in front of your whole fucking family.

You won't be able to pull me off a goofy.

Sucking and fucking and spitting and shitting.

Squish my baby.

You squish my baby.

I fuck your goofy.

I'm sorry.

You have to leave Disneyland.

Okay, that's right.

That's right.

That's right.

I shouldn't even be here.

I didn't get a ticket.

Sir, all of Space Mountain is terrified.

Okay.

Yeah, no, that's fair.

I hear it now, and that's fair.

I'll leave.

There's something that your body doesn't really.

Is it like bones that fuse together?

It's a kind of bone.

It's a kind of like.

Don't say it's a kind of bone to me.

What is she doing?

Air, you're bumps setting.

Does she hear herself do this?

Yeah, she does.

Do you want the red sock shirt or not?

I really want to win that car.

Okay, is it like the soft spot in your head?

That goes away earlier than that.

Unless someone's keeping it open

for nefarious...

What are they putting in there?

What are they putting in these young boys' heads?

I have my two minutes.

I'm not done talking.

I have two minutes.

You'll listen to this crazy shit I have to say.

Do you think you can take like a Capri son's straw and put it in the baby's?

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

We've never thought of that.

Oh, yeah.

Grow up.

We don't go to bed every night thinking this.

Gentlemen, you have to be in the PTA to speak, okay?

You can't just get up at the school board meeting and start saying these things.

I got bad news for you.

If you can't handle putting a capri straw through a baby's head, you're not going to like reading that article, okay?

About those nice people from a furniture store.

Oh, it's so bad.

Grow up.

It is really bad.

Okay, I don't know.

I give up.

Do you know this at all?

I truly don't think I know this.

You said it's a type of bone?

It's a type of bone?

Yeah, it's like a, a, I would, I don't even know if it's bone, it's like something hard.

Yeah, like something hard?

Like a cartilage?

Is it cartilage?

Oh, it's when your sharks grow?

No, it's...

Think of like...

10 years old pants.

It's hair nails.

Nose job.

It's when your nails first get grown.

Knees.

Knees?

It's when your knees grow.

Oh, do you not have kneecaps for 10 years?

You don't have kneecaps when you're a baby now.

Think about your baby.

No kneecaps.

I'm thinking about how I'm going to the doctor when I get home and making an emergency kneecap appointment.

And my baby doesn't have kneecaps?

You'll be putting a couple of kneecaps in.

And I want kneecaps for the elbows, too.

You don't take insurance.

I'm paying out of pocket for my baby's kneecaps.

Sir, you have to leave babies R Us.

I'm leaving.

I didn't know I couldn't take a phone call in here.

JPC, we're gonna do one more riddle, and if you don't get this, then someone in the audience gets your Red Sox shirt.

Ooh.

It doesn't affect me at all.

Will you help me?

Adel, would you help me?

I was so blown away that my kneecaps weren't around until age 10.

Yeah, that's why babies are like...

They're so squishy.

That's why all babies in church go, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

If you do it once, it's good.

If you do it twice on the same day, though, it's a serious crime.

What is it?

Sorry, if you do it once, it's good.

If you do it twice on the same day though it's a serious crime what advent calendar

advent calendar no because at my house if you did if you opened two doors my mom would be your ass

so i have two sisters molly and kathleen they're both here yeah they're amazing yes uh there is no fight more serious than our advent calendar fights do you guys know what i'm talking about we would fight like it was who gets to move the mouse who gets to

one year i i swear to god in my head we were all teenagers teenagers at this point, too, which is ridiculous.

But we all held Jesus at the same time and put Jesus in because it was causing so much of a fight.

We would, do you remember the good movie?

We would fight over the angels.

Do you guys remember any of the other hot ones that we wanted?

The what?

The star.

Oh, the star.

Oh, I wanted to do the star.

I'm like getting heated thinking about them, but

it was the best.

Okay, what were we talking about?

Twice in the same day.

It's illegal.

It's a serious crime.

And I bet you're going to make jokes about this when you find out what you're doing.

Call the FBI on your neighbor?

No.

But it's okay.

This is topical.

It's topical?

It's topical once every like four years.

Oh, your account.

Oh, your mic is off.

Did you turn it off by accident?

Is that what you were trying to indicate?

Test, test, test.

Yes.

Oh, there you go.

Can I just say very quickly, I'm dead serious.

This person in the front row looked right at me and they went.

And they were trying to indicate that JPC's cord was undone.

Can you imagine looking at someone and going...

I think...

Where the fuck did you go to gesture school?

Honestly, Adult,

this honestly contextualizes a lot of the interactions that you have had in your life.

Adult told us, Adult told us he was like walking around yesterday and he's like, two separate people wanted to fight me.

And I imagine that's your experience, but I also imagine the guys are like, hey, man, you got gravy on your face.

Like, you have gravy on your face.

You have gravy on your face.

And Al's like, what the fuck is wrong with you?

I'm trying to help you out.

I've got to go to the next one.

We got to get going.

I've never seen a man with gravy on his face that much gravy.

If you do it once, it's good.

If you do it twice in the same day, though, is a serious crime.

Aaron, is this bullshit?

No.

This is real.

This is real.

And it's topical once every four years.

Is the day important in terms of like

pay your taxes twice?

No, it happens once every four years, and it's topical now, and it was topical.

Oh, this is voting.

It's voting.

Wow.

All right, that concludes the riddle part of our show.

If you are part of our clue crew on our Patreon, we sometimes do brackets of our favorite things.

And I thought, yes, I thought we could do a bracket of

things that feel like Boston and Massachusetts to me.

And for that, I wanted to bring up

one of the most Boston people I know.

When you see him, you'll know what I mean.

One of my best friends in the whole world, Connor.

Can you join us for this segment?

I thought it was going to be Chai McBride.

You ever watch Boston Public?

No, but I do love Chai McBride.

Chai McBride.

What a name.

So good.

Oh, this is the part where Aaron told us to vamp.

Yes.

Boo!

So Connor's been my friend for 20 years.

No words.

Too late.

Too late.

We did 13 musicals and plays together.

Name them all.

Name them all.

Pirates of Pennsylvania.

Name them all.

South Pacific.

Anything goes.

Yeah, 42nd Street.

Greece.

Music Man.

Music Man.

I know, of course.

Once on Los Island.

Ones on this Islands.

Just a little problematic.

Then you went to a different high school for a year.

And then you're in town.

You're in town.

Sweeney Toddy.

Sweet Todd.

Carly Monumelli.

Carly Monomelli.

And then plays.

And And then plays.

At the bottom of Lake Missoula.

Things fall, parentheses meanwhile.

And,

oh, yeah, our Steven Sontime special event shows movies.

We didn't do the second half of our senior year.

We would just sit

on the beach, drink orange soda, and disassociate.

And they let us do that.

It was pretty great.

It was pretty great.

Okay, so we're going to quickly go through this bracket of Bostony things, and then we're going to decide what's the most Bostony thing of them all.

all.

Okay.

Your first two, the palpable sense of Irish Catholic guilt in the air versus the big dig.

What was the second one?

The big dig.

What's the big dig?

Connor?

It was a project where they took the central artery that went through Boston and they moved it underground.

So it was a raised highway and it went through the center of the city and they moved it underground.

And they did it in a very timely manner and nothing.

And everything was on time.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

So it's construction.

Correct.

Okay.

Yeah.

One of our most notable things about our city is construction.

I did say, what's the big dig?

And someone in the back went, oh!

Hey, I don't know the big dig.

Whoa.

What?

Pick your winner.

I gotta go big dig.

Big dig.

It's fun to say.

Big dig.

It's fun to say.

It's gotta be it.

That's a tough thing.

The palpable sense of Irish guilt.

Yeah, I'll change to that.

Too late.

Getting drunk at the Logan airport legal seafood before a flight?

Or throwing tea into Boston Harbor.

Now, I have to ask,

is there an illegal seafood?

Why is it called, in all sincerity, why is it called legal seafood?

Don't look at me.

Does anyone know why it's called legal seafood?

The second Boston question that we had, it's a, nah, who knows?

Who knows?

It's a mystery.

Yeah.

It's 18 plus?

Oh, yeah.

So I got screamed at.

I got screamed at about the.

I'll do the porno seafood store.

That's what I'll do.

What's your pick?

What's your pick?

Legal seafood.

At all?

Legal seafood.

Legal seafood.

Okay, great.

Perfect.

If it isn't pressed, it's illegal.

Oh, yes.

That's the

slogan.

Okay, that does sound like a slogan, for instance,

the business and name truly began back in 1904 when Harry Berkowitz, son of Sam,

called his Inman Square store Legal Cash Market because his customers could redeem legal government-issued cash stamps there.

I would say let's not Google anything about Boston just in case a Bernie and Phil's thing happens again.

Okay.

Paul Revere's ride, or Sam Adams being a founding father, but his legacy being beer.

What's more, Boston?

Sam Adams.

Sam Adams.

That seems right.

That seems right.

Got it.

Whatever they've got going on at MIT,

or the part from the fighter where she says, you shut your mouth in my kitchen, you owe me $200.

Isn't that Conan O'Brien's sister?

Is it?

Yeah, there's one person from The Fighter that is.

She's in that scene.

She's not the one who says it, though.

It's what's her name?

I thought you were talking about MIT.

Who's...

Wait.

Oh, wait.

Is somebody here in your family row?

I can't look at them.

I'm embarrassed.

Is somebody here in your family row that said, you you always do this?

Oh, yeah, that's Barbara.

Yeah, it's her birthday.

She's the one who said, John, you always do this.

Did that make the bracket?

Yeah, it did.

I'll do the one where someone says something and it sounds like it's from Boston.

Right.

That one tickles me.

The Isabella Stewart Gardner Museum Arthur.

Verse the field trip to Plymouth Plantation and Plymouth Rock and being disappointed by Plymouth Rock.

I I can't, in good conscience, vote for anything with the word plantation in it.

So

I'm going to go with Isabella.

I feel the same way about heist, so I guess we're going to stand still.

Art heist?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, art heist easy.

Saying rotaries instead of roundabouts.

What the fuck?

Or dump.

Or drinking...

a Dunkin' iced coffee in the middle of winter wear, middle of winter wearing cargo.

Damn it.

Middle of winter wearing cargo shorts.

Game of Thrones, but it's all Boston.

In the middle of winter.

I'll do winter.

Okay.

Winter.

Winter.

Swan boats versus duck boats.

Duck boats.

Duck boats.

Duck boats.

Yes.

All right.

This one's fun.

21 people dying in the Great Molasses Flood.

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

In the what?

The Great Molasses Flood.

It was when there was a...

No, no, no.

I can.

I can suss.

150 people were injured and 21 people died.

Yeah.

Very slowly.

Actually, molasses has a much lower viscosity when it's hot.

And it was so hot that day, that's why the tank exploded.

He won National History Day at my high school.

And middle school, too, right?

And middle school.

There is no National History Day.

Everyone clap like you believe that that's a day.

All right, hold on, hold on.

Silence.

Everybody just shout out what day National History Day is.

Yeah, yeah.

Today is the right answer.

Today is a good answer.

First,

saying Noma Garcia Para in a Boston accent.

Wow.

What's your winner?

Oh,

the Boston accent one.

I like to hear you say the words.

Maple molasses?

Molasses.

Connor, you're the tiebreaker.

I got to go with molasses.

I feel like that took them like 17 days to die.

I think they died pretty fast.

Yeah, they died pretty fast.

It was really bad.

But the whole city smelled like molasses for a while, so that's kind of fun.

Stop and shop parking lot the day before Thanksgiving.

Or Canopy Lake Park in the rain.

I'm going to go for the one they cheered at.

Yeah.

Canopy Lake Park in It seems like they didn't like that other one.

What did you say backstage when I read you this time?

Oh, Market Basket.

Oh, Market Basket.

Hey!

All right, Market Basket versus Cannaby Lake Park.

I went to a Market Basket today.

They need to hire more cashiers.

They need to hire more cashiers.

Okay, traffic to and from the Cape.

You got to get it fixed, Boston.

Traffic to and from the Cape versus the Red Sox winning winning the World Series in 2004 the same year they filmed Fever Pitch, a miracle.

What's your winner?

Well, Adel was in Fever Pitch, so I have to go with Fever Pitch.

Yeah, I was the third base.

You can hear me going, ow, ow.

Applying to UMass Amherst, classic.

Or Ted Kennedy killing that girl.

John, you always do this.

Yeah, I gotta go with Ted Kennedy.

Ted Kennedy killed that girl.

Quick reminder that when Ted Kennedy passed away and at the Kennedy Museum,

they had his casket.

Yeah.

You had to wait like seven hours in line to go through and see him.

And my mom waited in line twice.

She waited like all day and went back to see him a couple times.

Was it an open casket?

I don't know.

No?

No.

No.

So we don't know if he was in there?

It was just...

Yeah, I think he was in there.

He could still be alive.

I think your mom waited to see an empty casket.

My grandfather telling my mother to bring him his car keys, but his accent was so thick, so instead of bringing him his car keys, she brought down his khaki pants.

A real thing that happened.

Khakis and khakis.

Khakis, khakis.

Verse taking an awkward, squatty photo next to the Makeway for Duckling statue.

The first one feels like a family guy joke.

I'll go with that one.

I'll go with that one.

Oh, that one?

No, Brian, I said my cockies.

Larry Bird versus all the streets being built for horses and making no fucking sense.

Larry Horse?

I cannot combine the two, Adam.

I got to go with Larry Bird, the hick from French Lick, Indiana.

I've never been.

He's ours.

He's ours.

I could keep him.

I don't care.

Not important to me.

Any Irish pub in South Boston versus the word wicked?

Wicked.

Wicked.

Wicked.

I don't care.

The only thing I'm going to say is.

Perfect.

Dropkick Murphy's versus Chris Evans saying be honest in that one interview.

Do you guys know what I'm talking about?

Be honest.

Be honest.

Always forget that he's from Boston.

Is he from Boston?

Yeah.

Framingham.

Oh, nice.

You know, they beat us in festival once, and now every time I hear Framingham, I'm like, you gotta work.

What was the first one?

Dropkick Murphy.

Drop Kick Murphy.

I'll go Drop Kick Murphy.

But if it was Chris Evans holding a helicopter,

I'd vote for that.

Oh, yeah, from Get Out?

Or from Lives Out?

Remember, hold on.

Remember when the mom is like putting the spoon on the teacup and Chris Evans has a helicopter?

And then he goes into the helicopter place.

We have to to do more cameos like that.

We have to go faster.

Have fun in movies.

Complaining about Vera Farmiga's accent in the departed versus Cape Cod potato chips slash ocean spray cranberry juice when their powers combine.

Well, I learned that...

Cape Cod?

Cape Cod.

I learned that cranberries, when you harvest cranberries, there's like 100,000 spiders that like crawl on your overalls.

So I can't vote for spiders.

A vote for cranberry juice is a vote for spiders.

You're going to hate this, but Vera Famiga is made of spiders.

No.

The big dig versus getting drunk at the Logan Airport Legal Seafood Before I flight.

Got to go with Big Dig.

It is so fun to say.

I feel like I'm getting Boston pills.

It's a big dig.

Sam Adams being a founding father, but his legacy being beer versus you shut your mouth in my kitchen and you owe me $200.

It's the shut your mouth in my kitchen.

Shut your mouth.

Of course.

No one even knows what Sam Adams did.

The Isabelle Stewart Gardner Museum Art Heist versus the Duck Boats.

Oh, yeah, that one.

I gotta say,

Adam and I were talking about this earlier today.

I loved the duck boats.

I thought the duck boats were

way more fun than I thought they would be.

Yeah.

Okay.

Duckboats.

But theft is cool.

I know Boston loves to get away with theft.

Drinking Dunkin' iced coffee in the middle of winter, winta, wearing cargo shorts versus 21 people dying in the great molasses.

I can't believe that's still audio.

That one advanced.

Although I do have to say, I don't love cargo shorts.

Hey, Aaron.

Yeah.

Do you mind just real quick, sorry, do you mind saying, and I'm going to film this, do you mind saying 21 people dying again?

So I can get 400 people laughing?

Yeah.

21 people dying during the Great Molasses Flood.

Classic Boston.

Classic matchup.

Texting the FBI.

What's your winner?

What's your winner?

Drinking Duncan when Cargo Shorts are.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay.

Do we have time for a special write-in?

Well, it depends on what it is.

I think you know what it is.

Is it goofy?

I think it's kind of fun, but not goofy.

It's a little silly, but I don't know if it's fucking goofy.

What is it?

Well, I think it's one of the most special things two people can do.

What?

Aaron.

What?

You truly don't know what I'm talking about?

I really have no idea what you're talking about.

Do you know what I'm talking about?

No.

Okay, great.

I'm just here, man.

I'm at fucking work right now.

I want to say,

very quickly, I think we can get this done.

We're going to get this done in two minutes.

Okay.

Probably the whole reason we're here and on this tour is because of two people, Matt and Anna.

Oh, yeah.

Who brought us out.

But we got to get through this really quick.

Okay.

And then we'll do that at the end.

Sorry, sorry.

You know what?

I'm such a fucking idiot for celebrating two people in love.

No, no, we will.

We're going to.

We're going to go.

We're going back to molasses.

No, we're going to.

We're going to.

We're going to.

We're going to get through this quick.

Candy Lake Park in the Rain versus the Red Sox winning the World Series in 2004, the same year they filmed Fever Pitch.

Fever Pitch.

Fever Pitch.

Great.

Ted Kennedy killing that girl versus the khaki pants story.

Ooh, that's a one-in-two seed.

That's a tough matchup.

That's a tough matchup.

Kennedy, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I gotta go with RFK really.

Larry Bird.

Larry Bird versus the Birdwings.

Sawing off the head of a whale.

Wicked?

Wicked.

Wicked.

Wicked.

Okay.

Dropkick Murphys versus Cranberry Juice Cape Cup potato chips.

Murphys.

Anti-spiders.

All right.

Here we go.

The big dig versus you shut your mouth in my kitchen, you owe me $200.

Big dig.

Big dig.

Big dig.

Big dig.

Duck boats versus iced coffee in the middle of winter, cargo shorts.

Duck boat in the middle of winter.

Duck boating.

Duck boating, all right?

All right.

Sorry, coffee.

Red Sox winning the World Series in 2004, the same year they filmed Beaver Pitch versus Ted Kennedy killing that girl.

It's Ted Kennedy.

I cannot believe that that's a

good thing.

Do you think,

speaking of fever pitch, do you think when Ted Kennedy killed that girl, he kind of broke like Jimmy Fallon does?

Yeah.

Like a fake sort of like, can you believe me?

Wicked versus dropkick Murphys.

Wicked.

Wicked.

All right.

We're coming to the end.

We're coming to the end.

The big dig versus duck boats.

Big dig, baby.

Big dig all the way.

Duck boats.

I'm fully big dig pilled.

You've got big dig energy.

Ted Kennedy killing that girl versus the word wicked.

Ted Kennedy killed that girl.

It's got to be Ted Kennedy.

I have to fight for wicked here.

Adult voted wicked.

Oh, you voted wicked.

No, I said Ted Kennedy.

Oh, yeah.

Ted Kennedy energy.

I guess it's Ted Kennedy, you guys.

I'm sorry.

Ted Kennedy killing that girl versus the big dig.

I can't believe this one.

To be fair, this is what we deserve.

I know.

I did.

I've been writing about that Ted Kennedy thing for years, and I did just find out about the big dig today.

Yeah.

I got to go.

Big dig, baby.

Big dig.

Recency bias.

Yeah.

What a beautiful history.

I'm going to go, Ted Kennedy.

Connor, you're the deciding vote here.

Let's go for the big dig.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh, the big dig.

So we're thrilled because it took a long time?

Or why are we cheering?

Hey, man, you don't get the big dig.

Yeah, you don't get the dig.

Did we find bones or something?

He gave the city something to complain about for so many years.

Don't try to explain the big dig, Aaron.

He didn't go through it.

He's not.

He doesn't get it.

He's not like us.

He's not like us.

We're a big dig people.

Well, we have two little things left for the show.

We're going to bring Arnie out again in a minute, but before that, there are two people who are getting getting married this weekend, and they're both here.

Are they here?

Amazing.

If you want to, would you mind coming up and getting married up here really quick by us?

We wanted to steal your thunder.

We kind of wanted to steal your thunder incredible.

Jimmer Rob applause.

This is Matt and Anna.

Matt and Anna, truly the reason why we're in town,

we wanted to celebrate your special day, and we thought, you know, you're getting married this weekend, but it's Thursday.

Why don't we just do it now, right?

Yeah.

Why don't we just get it over with?

So, Aaron, you're going to officiate, correct?

Yeah.

Are you ordained?

No, not anymore.

Okay.

Well, there's a story there.

Okay, I'm going to go on this side.

Do you guys have your vows memorized?

Okay.

You know what?

We don't want to burn those.

So Adel and I will will do, we'll just feed you some.

They're gonna Sierra no de Bergerac, you guys, and give each other vows.

Aaron, we're gonna roxan them.

Okay,

okay, great.

This is a wedding.

You're gathered here today.

Bramazing.

And do you want to do?

Yeah, okay.

So,

dear Sean.

That's not his name.

I know.

And then say, oh, fuck, Sean was my ex.

Aaron, how are you you doing?

Thriving.

And then say,

Kevin.

And then say, you know what?

It doesn't matter.

Let's not do names for the whole wedding.

Yeah,

you'll start.

Hey, you.

Classic you.

Let's do this thing.

And then turn to the congregation and go, big dig!

Okay.

And then,

are you both from Boston?

Oh, perfect.

You're from Boston.

So then I want you to say, I think you're wicked smart.

Oh, that was good.

Yeah, that was great.

And I want you to say, deep dish bean.

And then do a fadeaway jumper like Michael Jordan.

Nice.

All right, here it is.

Michael Jordan's famous jump away.

Who introduced who to the show?

I'm so sorry.

You can have a seat.

No, no, no.

I, with the power invested in me by riddles, puzzles, the devil.

What'd you like to take a seat?

Jake and Amir.

Jake and Amir, Hetgum.

Hedgum.

Some of Dropout.

Yes, some of Dropout.

I pronounce you man and wife.

You may now high five or kiss, whichever you prefer.

Nice.

Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming up and getting married on the stage.

You brought gifts?

Oh, that's very interesting.

Okay.

Whoa, thank you.

Okay, incredible.

What the hell?

More people who get married should give me a gift, I think.

Give it up again for newlyweds.

Batinan.

If you don't mind, I would like to do something that's a little bit self-indulgent, but I wanted to sing with Arnie.

Sin more?

I know, I'm like, I am sorry for being self-indulgent when I did 45 minutes of drop-ins.

Can you imagine in 20 years when their kids are like, what was your, how'd you get married?

And they're like, we were on a riddle pump.

You know those people who went insane and were on the news?

Yeah, they married us.

I wanted to sing with my two of my great, great friends my favorite song about Boston.

This is called The MTA.

It's my favorite song.

Please sing along if you know it.

Also, you know me.

I don't know lyrics.

I might mess up.

And if you two can sort of come up here and dance, that would mean a lot to me.

These are the times that try men's souls.

Throughout the course of our nation's history, the people of Boston have rallied bravely whenever the rights of men have been threatened.

Today,

a new crisis emerges.

The Metropolitan Transit Authority, more commonly known as the MTA,

has levied a burdensome tax upon the population in the form of a subway fare increase.

Citizens, hear me now.

It could happen

to you.

Well, let me tell you of the story of a man named Charlie on a tragic and fateful day.

He put 10 cents in his pocket, kissed his wife and family, went to ride on the MTA.

Well, did he ever return?

No, he never returned.

Man, his fate is still unloved.

Poor old Charlie, he may ride forever near the streets of Boston.

He's a man who never returned.

Charlie handed in his dime at the Kendall Square station and he changed for Jamaica plane.

When he got there, the conductor told him one more nickel.

Charlie couldn't get off of that train.

Well, did he ever return?

No, he never returned.

Man, his fate is still unlearned.

What a pity!

He may ride forever near the streets of Boston.

He's the man who never returned.

Now, all night long, Charlie rides through the station crying, What will become of me?

How can I afford to see my sister in Chelsea or my cousin in Professor?

Well, did he ever return?

No, he never returned, man.

His fate is still unlearned.

He may ride forever near the streets of Boston.

He's the man who never returned.

Charlie's wife goes down to the Scully Square station every day at quarter past two.

And through the open window, she hands Charlie a sandwich as the train keeps rumbling through.

Well, did he ever return?

No, he never returned.

And his fate is still unlearned.

He may ride ride forever neath the streets of Boston.

He's the man who never returned.

Now, you citizens of Boston, don't you think it's a scandal?

How the people have to pay and pay

fight the fair free vote for George O'Brien!

Get more drive at the MTA.

Well, did he ever return?

No, he never returned.

And his fate is still unlearned.

Just like Laura Charlie.

He may ride forever near the streets of Boston.

He's the man who never returned.

No, he never returned.

And his fate is still unlearned.

He may ride forever.

Neath the streets of Boston.

He's the man who never returned.

Here we go.

Then he never returned.

No, he never returned.

And his fate is still unlearned.

Poor old Charlie.

He may ride forever near the streets of Boston.

He's the man who never returned.

He's the man who never returned.

He's the man who never returned.

Ed to Charlie.

Thank you so much for coming out.

This is truly a dream come true.

I've been wanting to do this for six years.

This has been the hardest year of my life, and having you come out and support me means so much to me.

I'd also love to thank my family for encouraging me to be funny.

You only know my name because they are so funny and so kind and were so nurturing for me being a little girl who wanted to be loud and take up space.

So please give them a round of applause.

I have the best family in the world.

I love them so much.

And thank you, Adeline GBC, for being

so willing to wear those Yankee clothes.

They got so scared when I handed it to them.

And then Arnie, of course, Arnie Parrott on the music

being so helpful.

And then my best friend Connor, who my favorite thing in the world is to be on stage with him.

So thank you for doing this, Connor.

And then thank you to Arts at the Armory.

Incredible.

Support every show that comes through here.

And thank you for coming out.

Do you guys mind taking a picture of me with the crowd?

Hey, Aaron, why don't we do one more thing?

What?

What?

Have sex.

No, no, no, no, no.

I can't believe I gave you any

leeway on that.

All right, Aaron, we have a couple more minutes.

Do you have a way to get them to play the theme song?

Jupiter.

Thank you, Somerbell.

And contact your life.

Adjacent to the city of Boston.