Patreon Preview #314: We Broke the Internet

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Is this a main feed? It's Patreon. Patreon.

We're gonna do a state series, if that's okay, but hold on. My internet is acting a little strange.

Okay. Just let us know when you have it.
Wait. Oh, your internet's acting strange, so it's acting completely normal like the internet is supposed to act.

Damn. All right.
Well, actually, Casey, can you? Are you your recording still fine, though, right? Yeah, my recording's still fine. Can I screen share with you?

Because my screen is starting to like do this like warped thing. Okay.
Yeah. It's like starting to spin.
Yeah. Warped? Good Charlotte.
Nine-inch nails.

The misfits. The used.

Andrew WK.

That's weird. What? No, I just, I've never seen that.
What Al and I were saying? No, what you guys were saying was actually awesome and cool. Well, you love Silver Chair, Casey.

Aaron, and are you sure your computer is behaving all right? Yeah, it was acting normal like a minute ago, and then I logged on.

Normal. So normal for Aaron, so it was fucked up and crazy.
You already made this joke, JPC. Did I?

So it will be like, it like started as this little like sort of whirlpool in the middle of my screen and it's getting bigger. So I just don't know.
Should I restart or?

You said a whirlpool? I don't know what I said.

Are you feeling like any sort of...

And I'm not trying to do a bit. Are you feeling like a gravitational pull from the whirlpool? Yeah, I feel like sort of I'm falling forward into it.
It's like...

Okay, I just saw your mouse cursor got sucked into the hole. That's not good.
In the center of your screen.

Wait, hold on. What the fuck is happening?

What is this? Is this a premise? I mean, look at the screen shift, HPC.

Oh, oh, oh, whoa.

Holy shit. Erin just got sucked into the internet.
Erin just got sucked into her internet.

Convenient excuse.

Adel? Yeah. There's only one thing we have to do.
We have to go in after us. Casey, you're our lifeline.
When we hit, I don't know, 50 minutes, pull us out. All right,

tie this rope around your waist. All right.
And Jaboo!

I forgot to temper it to something else. Okay, Casey, so now it's Dupers' rescue mission.
Adel,

I got to get Adel out, and I also have to get that rope, because that's an expensive rope. I got three person.
I'll do Aaron. Aaron will be the third if I have time.

All right, Casey, I'm going in. Internet helmet, goggles on, Tron motorcycle.
Casey, don't touch my Tron

motorcycle while I'm gone. I know you want to ride that thing.
I know you want to ride that thing, motherfucker. I'm going after my friends.
Pull us out when we get, what do we think?

48-ish minutes from now? Yeah, yeah, 45. And it might be one of those things where it's like, it's like 45 for you, but like for us, it feels like

you feel way longer. Long time one, yeah.
Okay.

And do you check the odometer on your motorcycle, by the way? Your Tron motorcycle? Yeah. Yeah, it's like one of the only things I do check, entire pressure.
Okay, cool. Yeah.

I'll have to do a fair spieler.

All right, bye. All right, see you, babe.

Welcome.

Ooh, I just hit the G on the Google so hard in my head. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Oh, oh, Aaron, I landed right on you. Ow, ow.
Oh, sorry. I'll move.
I'll move. Oh, you brought the rope, the super expensive rope.
Uh, yeah, and it's gonna save us. Are we on top of the Google

raindrops on kittens and puppies and prizes?

Drifting down on an umbrella tomorrow. GDC is floating down to the Google logo on an umbrella.

Oh, he landed so hard, though. Why float down on an umbrella if you're going to land so hard on your ankles? That's fun.

It's just me having fun. Me being a goof.
You guys, we just got sucked into the internet, I think. Whoa.

Oh, boy. Wait, did I get sucked in and you guys came down to save me?

Blink, blink, blink, blink. Yes, rope.
I mean, Aaron.

Okay,

that's really sweet, guys. That actually means a lot to me that you came down here.
Yeah, I think

we're absolutely here to save you, but I've never been sucked into the internet before. So maybe we just go into this Google search bar, which is a little below us here.

Let me just get down to the box and maybe I'll just type in

home, H-O-M-E. And I'll hit enter.
And whoa, okay, a lot of results flying by us here. Zillow.

Ooh. Wizard of Oz.
Okay.

You have to type minus AI or you're just going to get all the AI spam at it as well. Okay.
I actually don't think that works anymore.

I also saw that if you put fucking in every search result, they won't put AI in there because

the AI can't fuck. Oh, great tip.
It makes the AI scared. I don't know if it's true.
I haven't Googled something since I heard that. It's been a couple of days.

Okay, actually, let me just sort of slip into this Zillow website.

Welcome. You guys come here.

Okay. Oh, hey.
Oh,

Whoa. Whoa, what the hell? This is gorgeous property.
Is this an old school high school? This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Excuse me, you two travelers.

I'm from a different time, and I need to know how things work in this time.

What's my hair color in 2028? What's my hair color in 2029? What's my hair color in 2020? Oh, I'm from the past.

Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah.
Oh, hey, look, we don't really have time for whatever this scam is. So could you just tell us how much money you need and we'll kind of be on our way? 500 bucks.
Okay.

Well, hey, 500 bucks. If you have that kind of money, Squarespace, well, hold on.
Wait.

How do I tie this in? How do I tie this in? I won't.

I'll just say, Squarespace is the all-in-one website platform designed to help you stand out and succeed online, whether you're just starting out or scaling your business.

Squarespace gives you everything you need to claim your domain, showcase your offerings with a professional website, grow your brand, and get paid all in one place. Hey,

street con man, maybe if you had a Squarespace website, you wouldn't have to approach people on the street.

Oh, yeah, I could just do like a video of this because Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website. Oh, that'd be so much easier.

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Did you know most of those words, guy from the past? Yeah, we have words in the past. Also, my name is just Jeff and I'm from now.
Okay, guy from the past.

I have a great looks like the domain, www.guyfromthepast who needs $500.com is still available. Now, here's the thing.
Yes! I know that when we mention stuff in ads, people buy the websites.

Guys, if you want to, just make sure you head to squarespace.com/slash riddle to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using coupon code RIDDLE. I love our listeners.
That's insane.

Wait, don't listen to that guy. I'm actually from the past and need that website.
Okay, so it's going to be a bidding war on that fake website. What is a website? There we go.

Five, four, three, two, one. Countdown over.
It's the holiday season. Time to buy gifts.
I'm so excited. I'm going to decorate.
I'm going to buy gifts. Aaron, Aaron, slow down.

You sound and look stressed.

But uncommon goods takes the stress out of gifting with thousands of unique, high-quality finds you won't see anywhere else. Now, Aaron, how does that make you feel? Oh, I feel way better.
Yeah.

And Aaron, you should feel even better because Uncommon Goods, their items are crafted by independent artists and small businesses, making every gift feel meaningful and truly one of a kind. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. And with every purchase you make at Uncommon Goods, they give back $1 to a non-profit partner of your choice.
They've donated more than $3.1 million to date.

Plus, Uncommon Goods has something for everyone, from moms and dads to kids and teens, from book lovers, history buffs, and die-hard football fans to foodies, mixologists, and avid gardeners.

You'll find thousands of new gift ideas that you won't find anywhere else. And again, they want me to differentiate.
That is die-hard fans and football fans.

I'm not sure if you'll find stuff from the major motion picture diehard, but you can look. And, Miss Keith, can I tell you last year, my parents got me common goods?

I got like a bag of flour and a brick.

Well, that's no fun. No, I want uncommon goods.
That won't do. You know what? If you're like me, buy some Christmas ornaments.
Get some Christmas candles.

Get some stuff for Christmas and put it on your house. Hey, whatever you do, don't wait.
Cross those names off your list before the rush.

To get 15% off your next gift, go to uncommon goods.com/slash riddle. That's uncommon goods.com/slash riddle for 15% off uncommon goods.
We're all out of the ordinary. But don't take it from them.

Take it from me, Cousin Kringle.

That's fun. That's fun.

You probably should have done done it at the beginning though right huh stay on that side of the street oh stay over there do you need me to start the ad no stay everybody say thank you miss aaron

i thanked you guys in the other ones

not getting thanked yeah this is an old high school what if we turned it into like a cool millennial apartment yeah a hundred and nineteen thousand dollars monster indiana what could go wrong

i'm guessing the the electric and the water and the location I'm sure it's all up to all of the stuff.

Yeah, I'm sure it's fine. Yeah, the location is just the location is just listed as wrong.

What about this house? This place is a big mansion on a hill. $300,000 for this.
I mean, that's still pricey, but pretty reasonable for five bedrooms.

Yeah, I guess a hill. It's hard to get up and down.
Yeah,

is it a paved hill?

No. Where's the hill? I guess my first question's got to be, where's the hill?

this is what they don't tell you when you're on these home search websites: is that a lot of times they'll put a home on here, be like, oh, home on a hill, that's fine.

And then you'll like look and you'll be like, okay,

that's not a hill. That's at that mountain.
That is at least a mountain.

Guys, I'm in the house and there's blood on the wall.

Oh, that's why it's so cheap. Murder.
A murder happened. While we don't know it's a murder, the house could bleed.
No, I'm

that's not good. That's not better.
Favorite Dean Kootz.

It's not better.

It's not worse.

CBC, read me the stats. Read me the stats of the house.
Okay.

It said, well, this is interesting.

And this, you said that this was a five-bedroom?

Five-bedroom. Oh, you know what, Aaron? I think what you were reading was bathroom.
It's a five-bathroom. No bedroom? No, it says it's a, it's got a half-bed.
I've never seen a half bedroom.

I don't know what's going on. Oh, like a Murphy bed? Is it a half bed or half bedroom? Because a Murphy bed's like a half bed.
It says five bathrooms, half bedroom.

Okay, I'm seeing it, and it seems like a monster sort of tore one of the bedrooms apart. Got it.

Something bad happened here, you guys.

Okay, and I've never seen this listed, but maybe this is a typo, but it says it's a guts rehab.

I don't know what that is. Usually they say gut.
They say gut, like to gut out, but like guts makes me think.

Okay, let me type in back to the search bar URL here. Put in guts, enter.
Oh, whoa, whoa.

Welcome. Holy shit, the three of us are on Nickelodeon guts.

The 1990s game show. Whoa.

Adel, wait, you're using the Wayback Machine. This is...
This is this is an archived webpage. This isn't even a current webpage.

Whoa, at some point I need to visit my old GeoCities webpage from what I was a freshman in high school. Can we just skip my live journal if we find it? Can we just sort of skip over it? No, we gotta.

We're gonna have to figure out how to get into those things, those things that fun to be in.

Oh, this website kind of makes me feel nauseous. It's like so archaic and rudimentary.
Like it's sort of like glitching a lot. I think we gotta crawl out of here.
Well, no, no, no, guys, guys, guys.

Don't don't look now. Don't make any sudden moves.
But what? I believe, I believe that is the aggro crag. I want a piece of it.
I want a piece of the agro crag. The aggro crag coming over to us.

Okay, be cool, be cool, be cool. When I was a kid, all I wanted was a piece of the aggro crack.
Hey, Craig. Hey, hi, hi.
Hey, what's up? Not much.

How are you, sir? Sir? Come on.

Sir, it's my dad's name. I never had cable, but my friends know who you are, and that's cool.

We're from the future, and

we could buy you on eBay. I know you don't know what that is.
We can buy you on eBay for probably 50 bucks nowadays, I think.

50 bucks? That's like 200 bucks. Well, yeah, I guess now it is, but yeah, yeah.
I don't know what now is. I'm the aggro crag.
How is the British lady who is kind of a referee or something?

Oh, Adel, don't don't ask the aggro crack about that. I think that they had a pretty nasty breakup.
Whoa, but maybe not yet.

Right? No, we're still good.

Oh, aggro crag. We're still in love.
Yeah, we're deeply.

Sorry about what? We're deeply in love. Yeah.

Well, guys, should we tell him about 9-11? No, right? No.

Should he hold the aggro crack, He won't be able to do anything about it.

One, two, three, four, hate Riddle Riddles Clue Crew.

Listen to the rest of the episode now by starting your free seven-day trial at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle.