#348: The Three Shaqs of Riddles w/ Luke Null

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The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

airplane.

He tapped him with an ice agreed.

And the horse's name riding.

Whoa, Aaron, you've disappeared.

Camouflage.

Aaron?

Aaron?

Uh, can you see me still?

Whoa, she could be coming from any direction.

Wow.

I'm over here now.

I think Aaron may be hunting us.

I've covered myself in riddles at the Riddle podcast, so you can't see me.

JPC, remember, Aarons never hunt alone.

They hunt in packs.

So we should be able to see one and then one will surprise us.

Yeah.

All right, packs of Aarons.

What do we think we're working with?

Brockovich?

Ooh.

Eckhart?

Rogers.

Yeah.

Skarin Aaron.

I went to school with them.

That's so okay.

So we, yeah, so we did four celebrity Aarons.

We did two men.

One,

what?

I guess it's a real person.

A bow or an arrow whizzes by your face, not a bow.

No, it was a bow.

No, it was a bow, Aaron.

You threw a bow.

I threw the whole bow.

Dang it.

Okay.

Whoa, she held on to the arrow and shot the bow.

I panicked.

Okay, let's see.

Aaron's like a roadrunner cartoon.

Okay,

runs as fast as they can with the arrow at Adel.

Ooh, falls down.

My shins.

My shins.

What?

You want to hear the most interesting song in the world?

Okay.

Press play.

How does new slang go?

Ain't like that.

It does not go like that.

I feel like you're playing it in reverse.

Doesn't that sound like ripe?

You know who would know how new slang goes?

Yes, great segue.

Musical guest, musical guest,

Luke Noll.

Luke, welcome aboard and please sing new slang.

Gold teeth and a curse for this town.

They're all in my mouth.

Only I don't know how they got out here.

And that's

all of these

lyrics I know from the Shins.

From the whole band.

From the whole band.

I go back and listen to the Garden State soundtrack.

Did anyone ever see them live?

No.

Shins?

Yeah.

Did they ever perform sounds?

I wish.

No one ever saw them.

I saw them once at a music festival, and they were good.

They were good.

Did they play Carrying Is Creepy?

Yeah.

Probably.

Probably.

I assume they were playing the hits.

How are they doing?

I only like their new stuff.

It's good to be back, you guys.

Oh, my gosh.

Ever since I was last on here, I've been trying to go to sleep each and every night but just seeing all the riddles i didn't get right uh running in my uh

eyelids inside of my eyelids as i try to sleep yep it's sort of like um luke do you know the movie jaws you know how quint gives that monologue about the uh like a doll's eyes yes

adults pronounced adult

rolling back in their heads like a doll's eyes that's not enough for you look that's a new that's enough for quint he needs to know if he's pronouncing it wrong and not not quint from jaws but quint from ain't it cool news

which i don't know if that's still a website i can't be it can't possibly be uh luke

welcome back we we wanted to have you on because snl 50 is still in everyone's mind uh thoughts feelings i mean tell us how was the fucking party my man I'll tell you what, I did go back for the concert.

They did not fly me out.

I did pay to to fly and to stay, but I was invited to Radio City Music Hall for the, I will say, a very awesome concert.

The concert was so fun.

And I mean, the lineup was wild, but it was very funny to be in a room of like 300 people who were all fired by one guy and we're all there to celebrate that guy.

So we're all like, he fired everyone that's sitting here.

Personally fired each and every one of us.

It must be a lot of heads on a swivel looking left, looking right, and then whisper talk of like, hey,

and then something disparaging, maybe.

Maybe not, maybe not, maybe not.

There was a lot of people that were like, I was worried had 3D printed like Luigi scenario.

Just waiting for their Shinzo Abby the man on his 50th anniversary.

What's funny about that, too, is like, in the entertainment industry, I feel like people are like, yeah, all those people showed up to that show.

The fired people showed up to that show.

Whereas, like, if you were just working some job and your boss fired you and then, like, retired or whatever, come to this party, then years later invites you to a party, like you would go and throw a brick through the fucking woodchucks.

Oh, yeah.

What was the best part of the concert?

Uh, share,

no, Robin, Robin, or no,

Nirvana, Nirvana, uh, uh, reunion with post Malone singing.

That's no, Lauren Hill.

I mean, it's got to be Lauren Hill.

Wasn't the concert also like three hours long?

Yeah, it was really long.

It felt like a concert that nobody said no to.

Like, it felt like they were like, hey, book a three-hour show and we'll end up with a two-hour show.

And then they booked a four-hour show somehow.

Pretty much.

And then there was also like, I had never

thought of seat fillers before.

So there was like, because they filmed it, like basically like 40 minutes in they were like any open seats

they would like send 20 year olds in who were just like hanging out outside radio city music hall to be seat fillers and i was sitting directly next to uh finesse mitchell and he and i had like a we we we talked about it we're like we're not giving this we had like a buffer seat just uh-huh just to be able to have like a little bit of groove you know area i i brought eli mandel as my plus one

Awesome.

Former Chicago bad boy and SNL writer who was there for a year.

I thought he would appreciate it.

But he and I,

he had seat fillers jammed up against him.

And I'm like, nah, dog, me and Finesse, we are boxing out the open seat in between us.

No seat filler will sit here.

There was a freezing cold 20-year-old out in the streets of New York because of that, Luke.

I hope you're happy.

Yeah, I'm sorry that they passed, unfortunately.

People don't talk about it, but with those seat fillers, that seat is their home.

And if they don't get a home, they go back to the kill shelter where they put them down.

But they make it nice for them.

They show them like,

oh, what's something that

someone living in like Brooklyn who's 20 years old would like?

Oh, they show them a mattress with no sheet and they say, This is going to be yours.

Yeah.

This is all for you.

Please.

They show them an $11 coffee and they say, That's something that you're going to be able to enjoy.

And then, you know, they say, here's your screenplay.

Yep, it's finished.

hit up with the no country for old men cattle gut

luke i gotta know did they sell like merch like was there an snl concert shirt with all the bands on the back that

so the whole time the without even joking everyone

that from all of the snl eras we were all like mingling in the in the lobby before they let us in and the first thing on everyone like if it felt like a weird high school reunion, a little bit where you like, I knew my bullies would be there kind of thing.

Like I knew that, but at the same time, I'm meeting, it was all good vibes.

It was all fun.

But everyone, the first word out of everyone's mouth was, how is it, how is everything not free?

Like paying for the drinks, there was merch.

There was a $150

SNL50 commemorative ornament that they were selling at the gift shop.

And we kept joking like, Lauren's not going to give us an ornament.

Lauren's not going to give us an ornament.

We're going to pay the $150 for the ornament.

And it was like $150.

Was it made of diamonds?

Lauren's ornament.

Lornament.

Lornament.

Did you see anybody buy one?

Did you see anyone buy a $150 ornament?

People were doing gags about it, but I did not witness one be bought.

But we did, we were saying we were going to.

Was Tina Fey

walking out with like four shopping bags full of $150 ornaments?

It's a loss leader.

I thought it would be really weird to be the guy buying merch, like the one guy who, you know, it was weird.

It was weird.

We all had to pay for it.

Well, now if you see one out in the wild, you'll know it was $150.

If anyone out there is at a celebrity's home and you see that ornament on their Christmas tree, know they paid $150 for it.

That's insane.

I would like

an SNL 50 like tour shirt, but instead of like dates listed on the back, it it was just one date.

It was just Radio City Music Hall, the one night that it was.

That's the only stop on this tour.

The share concert.

Well, Luke, we're actually not here to talk about whatever the hell that was.

The thing you brought up.

Obsessive need to talk about celebrity.

Oh, my God, gro up.

It's so disgusting.

JPC, you asked about it.

Yeah.

Okay.

I lived with you and I've seen you naked.

Let's move on.

Let's set this up.

Tell us.

Tell us.

Tell us.

How weird is his butt?

One out of ten, how weird is his butt?

Hey, Eric.

It sucks that it's cute.

Oh, no.

I will say, in the last 10 years, it's gotten weirder, though.

It's getting weirder every day.

It's because I'm doing something with it, to it.

Here's your first riddle.

What?

With

you.

Who did you do it?

I didn't ask.

Oh, I did ask.

Weed whacker?

I wish I could afford name brand.

Okay, here we go.

Here's your first riddle.

You know the game.

You know the shame.

We grow dude.

Weed whacker is a name brand and not just the product.

You know what?

It probably is a name brand.

You think it's like...

I think we're not allowed to Google this here.

Luke, we're trying to cut ourselves off from Googling mid-episode.

Oh, then I'm not, then I'm, I won't either.

Okay, great.

Thank you.

Sorry, I'll stop interrupting.

No, I just worked.

I wish I knew, though, but we can't know.

Someone listening to to this at work with like a polo shirt that says weed whacker on it just going crazy right now.

They're like, it is a name, Brad.

We're the best in our field.

It's like the Aaron Burrinker John Deere.

Yeah.

It's like the Aaron Burr commercial.

Yes, that's right.

Only old heads will know about the Aaron Burr commercial.

Aaron, you remember the Aaron Burr commercial?

I don't.

I'm very, very young.

Very strong.

One of the best commercials.

I think it's off.

Debuted during the Super Bowl.

A guy,

we pan around his house.

He has the bullet from the Burr-Hamilton duel.

He has books.

He has posters.

He has busts of their head.

He's an expert, you might say, Aaron.

He literally wrote the book, some might say.

Then he gets a call from a radio station.

They say, you're the fifth caller for $100,000.

Who shot Alexander Hamilton?

He goes to say, Aaron Burr, but he just took a big bite of peanut butter sandwich and he has no milk to wash it down.

So Aaron, he goes,

and they go, huh?

And he goes,

and they go, are you a child?

He goes, no, peanut butter in my mouth.

And they go, last chance.

He says, Elon Buh.

They go, sorry, we got to call somebody else.

He lost $100,000 because of peanut butter.

That's really dark.

Is it an ad for peanut butter?

Yes.

It's for milk.

But it's peanut butter.

Worth it.

He turns it towards himself.

The peanut butter made him unable to pronounce his ahs.

Elwen Buh.

Elwen Buh.

The wild thing is that was an ad for milk.

And there was a time in this country where they were trying to be like, hey, you can just drink milk as a big milk.

Big milk had a lot of money.

Big time.

They'd show a picture of a little kid drinking milk, looking in a mirror, and in the mirror was like, shack.

Yeah, you're not going to be a shaq.

You might grow a little bit.

You might grow a little bit.

She says that in the fine print.

You're not going to be shack.

You're not going to set records at LSU, but you'll be slightly taller.

Yeah, every kid from the 90s who drank milk all became shaq.

You just have

millions of shacks.

All restaurant occupancies.

What am I trying to say?

Who knows?

Parentheses?

The signs had to change.

They went from like 150 to like 20.

Yeah.

Or they have a parenthetical where it says 150 and then in parentheses it says 110 shacks.

There might be more shacks than we think because he has a branding deal for every brand in existence.

And it would make sense if there were like four shacks allowing him to split his time between the general and

do you think he ever had to deal with radio shack oh because it feels like that would have been a really easy one for him and he's like no no no i'm doing icy hot and only products i believe in yeah that's what he said i bet he says that that's probably the first business he ever said no to then they went under and then shaq was like now shaq realizes the power of what like that i have on the economy and he's like i'll never say no again yeah he could have saved radio shack

this would be a great camp to Google, guys.

Is Joe's Crab Shack still in existence?

Is that still a

restaurant?

Oh, yeah.

There are Crab Shacks.

There are now Shakespeare.

You could do Shake Shack.

Shake Shack.

And it's just him shaking in a commercial, and then under it says Shake Shack.

Now, Aaron, you've given me an idea, which I think we have to put on next summer, which is Shackspeare in the Park.

Now, this is Shaq doing Shakespeare in the Park.

Wow.

It's him playing him.

Shakespearean actors doing Kazam.

Wait, I like that better.

Reverse it.

I love it.

That's way funnier.

That's way better.

Shakespeare at the Park releases their like summer series and it's like Macbeth, Hamlet, and Kazam.

And they're like, uh...

Not blue chips?

Shazam, Shazam, Kazam.

Kazam.

It doesn't matter.

Okay, here's your first riddle.

We grow in your garden.

We glow in your room.

Only the name is the same.

Whoa.

Yeah.

Bulbs.

Yeah, it's bulbs.

You got it.

You nailed it.

Addle,

you're fucking hot tonight.

Only the name is the same.

Yeah, because like

bulbs grow in the garden and bulbs are also in your room, but they're

similar.

Aren't they similarly shaped?

No, only the name is the same.

Oh, sorry.

Sorry.

Yeah, sorry.

Of course.

Yeah, of course.

Only the names are the same.

Don't we have the stock market because of tulips or something?

Okay.

Huh?

Uh-huh.

Isn't that how we have the stock market?

Well, here's the Adult.

That was the Dutch.

The Dutch had a tulip war.

Yeah.

In the 1600s.

That's real.

And that's why we're in the stock market?

And we can't Google it.

See, we wouldn't need Google if Luke was here all the time.

I'm trying to pick him to be on the show all the time.

There's somebody who works with a shirt that says stock market, and they're losing their mind right now.

I do want to see a scene.

Aaron and Luke, you are two roses in the garden.

Great.

Tall and beautiful.

And JPC, you are a little garlic, a little bulb of garlic that's grown next to them.

And they're finally having a conversation with you.

Nice day.

Really soaking up the juices.

Yeah,

you are looking really well.

And to you as well.

You're looking so good.

Really?

The photosynthesis, it just tastes so yumlicious.

Oh, my God.

Thank you.

Hold on.

Sorry.

What?

Hi.

Oh, hi.

Hey.

Oh.

Oh, man.

What a gorgeous day.

You do looking good.

Oh, my God.

It smells so bad.

Oh, my God.

Oh, man.

I bet we all hope they put us on bread.

Is it, is it, is it messed up?

Is it racial to call out his scent?

Oh, yeah, I think he might be.

I'm so sorry.

I bet we all hope they put us on bread.

We actually...

Oh,

no, we kind of just like...

We're actually not great on bread.

Well, you guys are tall.

Whoa, you guys are tall.

Yeah, well, yeah, it runs in the family a little bit.

We're very beautiful, too.

What's uh, where are you from?

Uh, the ground.

I'm from the same, yeah, same, though.

I guess same.

I guess same.

What?

Why aren't you guys covered in it?

Oh, well, I guess we're

good.

We, we sort of are like waiting to be picked and maybe given to a loved one, maybe for like a funeral or like a wedding or Valentine's Day, and you're waiting to be

you look like you just got marked by a dog.

And

I do want to see just a quick sort of like

taming of the shrew, my fair lady montage where you two are trying to teach

the garlic to be high society.

Okay, so repeat after us: roses are red.

He's getting there.

See

great montage.

montage.

The one scene montage that makes you bail on the whole montage.

It's the start of the montage.

He's obviously not going to get it.

And you're like, fuck it.

Yeah, I've been in an improv show before.

I know what to do.

I know what this game is.

Pull the rip cord right away.

Yeah.

One strike.

All right, here we go.

Here's your next one.

I am a man without bones.

My flesh is white.

I am a man without blood.

My flesh is cold.

I am a man without life.

My flesh is shrinking.

I am the man you made and lost.

Clint Eastwood.

Whoa.

Wow.

Yes.

Aaron.

Do we remember the empty chair that was Obama?

Obama.

I forgot how crazy this was.

I did forget about that.

That was awesome.

I remember the mayor of Carmel.

The mayor of Carmel, by the sea, in California.

Wow.

Briefly.

Was that the RNC where he talked to an empty chair at the end?

Yep.

And then he

2016 or no 20 20 2008

yeah this was Obama year

2012

thanks Obama I checked that out

um GPZ can you read it again because yeah a man is

I'm a man without bones my flesh is white I'm a man without blood my flesh is cold I'm a man without life my flesh is shrinking I am the man you made and lost ice Cube.

Aaron Snowman.

It is Snowman.

It is Snowman, Luke.

Whoa.

That makes a lot of sense.

Aaron, I think you get

partial credit for Ice Cube.

It really helped everybody.

I want the whole thing, or I want, I don't get credit.

I got to keep myself honest.

I can't give you the whole thing.

I think it would have been closer to Ice Cube if there was also another little clue that said, My son played me in the movie about me.

I'd like to see a scene.

Yes.

JPC, you're a kid.

Luke, you are a snowman that he made and brought to life.

And you're like sort of a couple weeks into this.

Good eye.

Oh, hey, you're back.

Good eye.

Are you smoking weed in my shed?

Well,

I'm just passing the time because I know I only got, you know,

it's March.

So, yeah, I kind of know you know it's kind of

yeah i got my make-a-wish

i'm sorry

i'm terminal

and i'm i was allowed to have a wish and you're my wish is to meet uh a loving little boy oh

i i thought i made you out of snow you did and now i'm dying

Oh, okay.

It's like

a figurative make-a-wish note.

Like, you didn't go through the company.

I went through the company

They yeah, I they they know that I'm on a transplant list and it's not looking good.

What

what would you need to transplant?

Um, well, I here's the thing.

I need a large ball of snow.

I need a slightly smaller ball of snow and I need a even yet smaller ball of snow.

All three of them.

And that's kind of

a thing.

Hey,

so my mom, my mom got the electric bill, and it was like 600.

Cool.

Well, no, but like it shouldn't be in the winter.

And then I realized that there's the air conditioning unit in the shed and I feel like maybe you're just out in the shed running the air condition like 24-7.

I'm running the air conditioning.

It's kind of a life support scenario for me.

Yeah.

Where if you were to pull, this would be pulling the plug if you turned that off.

Yeah, it's just, it's 56 degrees outside so it feels just like maybe like this wish is not going how i wanted i wish

knock knock hey champ oh hey dad hey buddy has uh has a hair dryer on his side hey buddy um your mom showed me the electric bill um i just want to let you know i'm about to take um your friend to a

to a farm up in Antarctica down in Antarctica.

So if you want to say goodbye or anything,

plots in hair dryer.

Oh, that don't just that's gonna kill the electricity bill, too.

Mom's gonna be even more mad.

In fact, honestly, Dad, I think you've been solving a lot of problems around the house with the hair dryer.

That might be a significant portion of the electricity bill.

I thought it worked for the creme brulee last night.

Would you would you agree?

No,

no, I have to disagree.

It took so long.

I think after two.

And it just made it kind of warm.

I thought that creme was bruleed.

I think you need a blowtorch.

I think you need way hotter and for a waste and for a briefer period of time.

I'm at, sorry, snowman here.

I've been listening and I know what you're ready to do to me,

but I was more concerned with if you're using a full-blast hair dryer on a creme brulee, that it didn't kind of squirt all of the

junk out of the thing.

Like it.

Like just the force of the hair dryer didn't blow any of the

I'm sorry, you don't know what's best for my family.

Actually, that's where

we are.

I do.

Excuse me.

We see a montage of

the snowman slowly falling in love with the mom, taking over the life, playing baseball with the kid.

I guess this is okay.

I mean, neither one of them was great at baseball.

Scene.

Great work, everyone.

Great work with our one-seen montage.

I love the idea of like an organ transplant person being like, Oh shit, I don't know what happened, but I lost it.

They're like, What?

It's like, I opened the cooler and it was just all ice and snow.

And they're like, No, that's what that was the thing.

Oh my god, that was for a snowman.

I thought maybe a dog got at it.

There was a terrible accident, and we got a snowman middle and it was shipped priority over here.

Oh, God.

A snowman died in a car wreck.

Yeah.

I can't find a donor on his license.

It's my son.

This is my son.

Okay.

This one's a little bit longer.

Okay, cool.

When wild once I was, silently, the world I roamed.

I sniffed and listened to the wind.

My green gold gaze surveyed the dark, and hunger held my hunter's heart.

Now tame and safe I am, but sometimes when I watch the breeze shuffling the shadowed leaves, I hear the owl cry in the dark, and hunger haunts my hunter's heart.

Is this like a dog that used to be a wolf?

At all.

It is not like a dog that used to be a wolf, but it's shockingly close.

Shockingly close for what I assume, and I just want to verify, was a joke answer at all?

Or was it a real attempt?

That's the only thing I can think of of like, I used to be like this wild thing and now I'm tame and I know that wolves became dogs

and there's no more wolves anymore.

Yeah, all right, people.

And we can't Google that.

We can't google that.

We got rid of wolves.

Somebody who works at wolves has a wolf.

Oh, yeah, wolves.

Hoodie on.

If you

would definitely be a startup, it would have a ping-pong table for sure.

There are probably a lot of people listening to this that have that three wolves, how they got the moon shirt on, but they don't work at wolves.

Yeah, their logo is the whole movie, The Gray

Mason.

with a bottle?

The end of that movie.

The bar fight with a wolf.

Can you read it again?

And I hate to, I hate to ask that.

Yeah.

Especially since this one has this one, I feel like, has some tongue twisters in it.

When wild once I was, silently, the world I roamed.

I sniffed and listened to the wind.

My green gold gaze surveyed the dark and hunger, held my hunter's heart.

Now, tame and safe I am, but sometimes when I watch the breeze shuffled, shuffling the shadowed leaves, I hear the owl cry in the dark and hunger haunts my hunter's heart.

Oh, it makes me want to howl.

How literal is gold green?

Yeah.

Green gold gaze?

I think it's pretty literal.

Yeah.

So it's something that has green and gold eyes.

Yeah, I would say so.

Who's an animal?

Not a kitty cat.

It's not like a

Luke, it is a kitty cat.

Oh, Adel, you were very close.

You were so close with Wolf.

Yeah.

You were just in the wrong domesticated animal.

I would argue, though, that everyone knows that house cats will kill things for sport more than anything.

Like they're they're they aren't done hunting.

No, they're lions of the living room is what they say.

That's right.

I feel like we did a really good job as a society domesticating dogs.

And we're like, damn, we really, we could make these dogs do so many specialized tasks.

And then we all like turned to cats and we were like, good enough.

They'll eat my face if I die.

We did a halfway fine job on cats, but it's just more trouble than it's worth.

Do you think that in another like thousand years, like dogs will be people?

Like dogs will be wearing like sport coats and be like, oh,

can I make you a martini?

And cats will be where dogs are now.

Whoa.

Like, cats are just not there yet with domestication, but we're like still really trying.

JPC edible just kicked in, everybody.

JPC's three hours of sleep last night has just now kicked in.

JBC, honest answer, dogs and cats will never be humans, but I feel like in a thousand years, dogs will be where horses are,

where people will ride dogs with like a foot on two different dogs.

Yeah.

Does that make sense?

Like skiing?

Like Mad Max?

Thank you.

Yes.

Like Mad Max.

They'll be riding dogs.

I have an idea for a scene.

I'll call it up for y'all.

Okay.

Aaron and JBC, you guys are in an office break room and Adel is a dog.

He's a dog

accountant.

This is all he wants.

This is all he wants in the world.

He's coming and he's just, you know, getting on his coffee break.

Okay.

I mean, we had that HR meeting about who peed on the floor, and I feel like we all kind of like

know who peed on the floor.

Move.

Oh, move.

Sorry, I'm trying to get to the cabinet for my

move.

Cabinet for your for my coffee bowl.

Oh, yeah, uh, you know what?

Actually, uh, Greg, I think it's still on the floor.

I don't think you cleaned it up from

last time.

Well, I don't know if you

talked to HR yet, but you two are actually responsible responsible for cleaning my coffee bowl and my lunch bowl.

Right, cuz they're on the floor and you can't reach at the sink.

How was your kids' birthday party this weekend, Greg?

Uh, good, yeah.

Um, 14 kids from one litter, um, eight from another.

So it was 26 birthday presents, and I'm financially ruined.

It was fine.

It was fine.

You know about that HR meeting later we're having about who peed on the floor?

I don't know if I can make that.

Oh, Linda, I smell

like two days ago you had Thai food.

No.

Don't do this.

Seems like you've pooped three times.

When you smelled my divorce, it was a really, really, really bad day for me.

So can you just pull it?

Hey, hey, hey, Linda, I smelled another woman on Mark.

Okay, I don't know.

Okay, well, that's sort of the same thing.

It's sort of the means to the same end, huh?

You smelled it 12 hours before Linda found out about it.

I agree.

I can smell divorce.

Okay.

You know what?

Why don't you?

We should probably make that meeting, right?

Yeah.

Tyler, you should be at that meeting, right?

Now that we're talking about that.

Yeah, I think you should definitely be at that meeting.

I have to get some shots, so.

Oh, okay, that's convenient.

Actually, I just.

got you.

Well, we don't get shots every year.

Uh, well, I guess we do, but we just get different shots every year.

We get like COVID boosters and stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I think you should really make that meeting, Greg.

I think you should probably show up.

Welcome to the meeting.

It's really nice to have you guys in here.

Um,

I think, you know, we're gonna cut to the chase.

Someone has repeatedly.

Oh, no, we're not playing chase.

Sorry.

Sorry, Greg.

Oh, it's fine.

Oh, Oh, it's all right, Greg.

This is on the floor a little bit.

And this is...

Okay.

And I think the meeting's over now.

Tom.

Thank God everyone's going to think it's Craig and not me, Linda, who peed on the floor.

Phew.

Thank God Greg's taking the heat.

I've been so sick for the past couple of weeks.

See?

Oh, it's the humans peeing on the floor, everybody.

It's the humans peeing.

That one was a twist.

If I worked in an office with a dog who also worked in that office and I was supposed to clean up that dog's bowl, I think I'd start peeing on the floor.

I think I would start peeing on the floor just to get the dog in trouble.

Well, that's a good peek behind the curtain of your personality, GPC.

Yeah, that sucks.

All right, fine.

Let's take a quick break.

We'll be back with more peeing on the floor and blaming a dog.

He's going to pee on the floor during the break.

Yeah.

Can't prove that.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

Oh, oh, oh, oh,

oh, oh, did you get it?

Did you get it on camera?

No, sorry, I wasn't recording.

No, me neither.

Guys, come on.

I feel like, and this is not an indictment of you, but I feel like I keep doing the same skateboard trick.

I keep hitting myself in the junk, going down this rail the exact same way every time.

And I feel like you guys are just fumbling with the camera, and I'm beginning to think it's on purpose.

Adela and Aaron, make eye contact.

Wink, wink, wink.

No.

Well, of course, we did build a beautiful website on Squarespace.

Yeah, we're using Squarespace.

For all your goofs and slips and gags.

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And I need to pay to offset the cost of the terrible damage I'm doing to my body.

Yes, and Squarespace makes it easy to showcase your expertise and engage clients with video content on your website, like of you doing this awesome trick that you're going to have to do a few thousand more times.

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Perfect for online courses, exclusive tutorials, and premium workshops.

And videos of JPC falling gracefully.

But all the videos so far are like like you guys in like your face.

It's like reaction shots because you have the camera turned the wrong way.

Well, that's because we've been using Squarespace's analytics, JPC, I'm not going to pronounce that word, how you pronounce it, analytics, because we're making smarter business decisions with Squarespace's intuitive built-in analytics tools.

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You know what?

I don't care.

I'm going to post whatever videos that you guys make.

I think the content is going to stand on its own.

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JPC, why don't you do a flip-oll-y over that

bookcase?

Okay, I'll try it one more time.

Take hundreds.

Yeah.

Oh, it doesn't hurt anymore.

Uh-oh.

It doesn't hurt anymore.

Oh, boy.

Oh, I like it less.

Jealous much.

New coat, new shirt, new pants.

Adel, you didn't get those from the Emperor, did you?

No, I think that guy was actually not wearing any clothes.

Oh.

I knew it.

And everyone says he was.

And I knew he wasn't.

I felt like I knew he wasn't.

Interesting that my experience with the Emperor his clothes are awesome.

Adel, your clothes look fantastic.

They look like very expensive.

That must have costed you an arm and a leg.

Uh, no, uh, actually, we don't pay with limbs, we pay with money, but this was actually very cheap in terms of money.

This is from Quince, my good lady.

I love Quince.

Quince has the kind of fall staples you'll wear non-stop.

Like super soft, 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters.

Touch, please, touch.

Starting at just $60.

That's bonkers.

$60?

Yeah, $60.

Their denim is durable and fits right, and their real leather jackets bring the clean, classic edge without the elevated price tag.

I have sheets from Quince.

I got a skirt from Quince.

I love Quince.

On the walk over here, wearing Quince, a bunch of photographers were like, who is that guy?

That's clearly like Samar's little brother, like Nathan, Nathan Levi's cousin or something.

Taller, younger brother.

And what makes Quince different?

Well, they partner directly with Ethical Factories and skip the middlemen.

So you get top-tier fabrics and craftsmanship at half the price of similar brands.

And middlemen are flipping out about it.

I saw a middleman on the phone in a parking lot tearing the hair out of his head.

He was so mad at Quince.

Is he okay?

No, he looks really distressed.

Personally, I love my lightweight hoodie.

I think it's like perfect for the cooler weather.

It's like, uh, it's kind of the in-between hoodie that you can get between like, you know, a fall jacket and, you know, your summer clothes.

It's awesome.

It's like a must-have staple of my wardrobe.

And I got my eye on some boots at Quince for the fall.

Just a tall boot.

I haven't had one of those like riding boots in a minute, and I'm excited.

I might get them in black or maybe like a chocolate color.

Come back to me.

Come back to me.

Sounds good, friends.

Puts on sunglasses.

So keep it classic and cool this fall with long-lasting staples from Quince.

Go to quince.com/slash Riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com/slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash riddle.

Adel, I have got Erin on a joke website.

I'm about to sell her chocolate boots.

I think she's going to lock her up.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

I will stay and watch this.

Mum, yum, yum.

Eats them like Cookie Monster.

This show is sponsored by BetterHelp.

Guys, I need to find a better solution than what I've been using.

I've been going up to this character that's sitting at a booth that it's like free advice for five cents.

She's being like really mean to me.

And then I tried to like kick a football and she moved it and went,

are you joking?

That was so embarrassing.

And I feel like that's not good therapy moving forward.

I need to find a better solution.

Aaron, you can't be doing that.

You got to do what I do.

You have to whisper your secrets into a rock and throw the rock into the ocean.

Huh.

Or do what I do, which is use BetterHelp, which I think is probably the best option.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Don't talk to a rock or talk to somebody at a five-suit booth from what sounds like a comic.

Talk to an online therapist at BetterHelp.

Yeah, Aaron, BetterHelp is the world's largest online therapy platform, having served over 5 million people globally.

It's convenient as well.

You can join a session with a therapist at the click of a button, helping you fit therapy into your busy life, I assume, plus switch therapists at any time.

And BetterHelp's quality therapists work according to a strict code of conduct and are fully licensed in the U.S.

They're not going to move the football on you, Aaron.

Aaron, they won't move the football or they won't throw the rock back.

In fact, they've been told specifically not to throw any rocks.

BetterHelp does the initial matching work for you so you can focus on your therapy goals.

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That's betterhelp, h-e-l-p.com/slash riddle.

Hey, Adel, can I tell you a secret?

Yeah, it's me.

I'm in the booth.

I'm in the booth.

Nice one.

Well, I'm going to go back to the booth and try the football one more time.

I'm going to let her have it this time.

I'm going to let her have it.

Hey, Adel.

Hey, Aaron.

Can I tell you something that I'm kind of like ashamed of?

Yeah, of course.

Always.

When I was a kid, all of my two brothers, all of our birthdays are within a month, and it's all around Christmas time.

So we used to just get like Christmas birthday gifts, and sometimes we would just get like combo gifts together.

And I would always

tell my brothers that we could pool all of our money together and just get one big Lego.

And then I would insist on doing the Lego and putting it together myself.

How do you put together one big Lego?

Oh, I guess it's more like an expensive Lego kit and not one big Lego block.

I mean, you didn't really understand finances.

You didn't have anything like Acorns Early when you were growing up, so how are you supposed to know?

Hee, hee, hee.

Hey, kids, it's me.

Birthday Santa.

Birthday, Santa?

That's right.

You're real?

Yes, and I want to tell you about Acorns Early, which is something, JBC, it sounds like you and your brothers wish you had.

Yeah, we could have used.

Yeah, absolutely.

Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

Oh, so cool.

You can start with In-App Chores Tracker and teach your kids the value of a dollar.

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Plus, with Acorn Early's early spending limit and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

And I mean, I would have loved having this growing up.

I would know way more about money than I do right now.

Right, right.

I mean, but I'm like a newer thing.

Like, I'm for kids who have birthdays around Christmas.

But all kids could.

But anyway, piggy banks are cute and great for loose change, squarters, etc.

But these days, there's so much more that kids need to know about money.

Hee, hee, hee.

Acorns early makes it easy to teach kids lifelong money skills that they can actually use in the real world.

And I love the Acorns Early app.

I've played around in here.

My kids, a little too young to start right now because they're kind of like a little toddler, but I'm so excited for them to be able to use features like this because I think like being able to track all of these things when you are young and have money literacy at a young age is so, so, so important to being a you know person that exists in the world nowadays.

Well, I'm a person that exists in the world.

Who said I wasn't?

Yeah, no,

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Hee hee hee

oh, Santa needs to lay down.

I mean, I mean, birthday Santa needs to lay down.

Love whatever your thing is, man.

Don't stress.

You guys, I have a riddle.

I told some of some folks that I was coming on the show and I said, can anyone give me a true stumper?

These folks have heard them all.

What is the hardest riddle that you know?

And I got a riddle that I, I'll tell you what, it's a freaking stumper.

Do you guys want to hear this riddle?

I'm very excited.

Absolutely.

Yeah, I mean, we have to.

I also have supreme confidence in us.

I think that you, Luke, I mean, you're obviously a real neophyte.

You don't know riddles like we do.

No, no, no.

You think this is the true stumper?

We're three professionals.

Like, we're at the height of our game.

JPC, he's seen your weird butt, okay?

You're sort of ass exposed right now.

Aaron, don't interrupt.

I have a lot more.

We're kind of like, we're kind of like the three shaqs of riddles.

It's nothing but net.

It's all Shaq was good.

It's like three people.

If there's one thing Shaq was known for, it was nothing but net.

And if there's one thing jpc is known for it's knowing anything about athletics

i'm just now finding out his name is not spelled like steak shaq s-h-a-q

genuine question jpc can you name a team that shaquil o'neal played for oh i can name three first of all uh i i told have you ever have i ever told you guys that i met shaq is that real

is that how i beat shaq

um i didn't meet shaq but uh i grew up in indianapolis and uh there was there was a while where the Pacers were good, right?

But I remember the Lakers were in town and they played the Lakers and there was a thing on like the radio

that weekend or something where there was a dealership, like a car dealership in town that when the Lakers came to town, they gave Shaq like an F350 Super Duty because they were like, he's the biggest guy in the world.

He can't fit in any cars.

Our dealership is going to get pressed by like letting him go around in this truck and my mom worked downtown and we were going to her work to like get some like papers or some shit like um and i remember being a little kid sitting in the back seat of my car at a stoplight and i looked up outside of my car and there in the biggest truck i'd ever seen was the hugest man i'd ever seen it was i mean i was a little kid and shack was shaq size it was like looking at like a titan like what but like the just the depiction of chronos Chrono says he's like

the gods, you know,

dropping their little god bodies down his gullet.

He was the biggest person I've ever seen.

Uh, it was truly, I didn't actually talk to him or anything.

I just kind of like gaped up at him, and then my mom was like, That's Shaq.

And I was like, Yeah, it is.

Yeah, I can,

I will say that Shaq played for the 76ers.

Whoa, no.

So much confidence.

Yikes, by the way.

As he said, the Lakers kind of.

have you seen the painting of Shaq eating his son

It's horrifying but beautiful

He has several sons

that would be very funny to have a painting of him eating one of his sons and it's like hey, come on man like I get the joke, but uh

there was an old picture of Shaq in a like this was like a long time ago this where he was dating the girl who won Flavor of Love season two so flavor flav to Shaq So she's now dating Shaq,

which is, that's, that's a, that's a,

you know, inspiring.

That's a non-lateral flavor flave.

Yeah.

To Shaq.

And there's a picture of them holding hands, like a paparazzi photo of them walking down the street.

And she's having to straight up, like, reach up.

to hold his hand like oh no

babysat yup and it's really tough and then you just like seeing their height differential you're like her head is like belt level with him.

You know, you're like,

oh, no.

The physics

some of that.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

And Aaron up, you're 100% right that Sex with Shaq is like the grape stumpling.

I also like Sex with Shaq is like the new short form games.

Sex with Shaq is like.

Sex with Shaq is like.

Very good.

Okay.

Do you guys want to hear this riddle?

I would love to.

Yes.

It's been instructed to me to read it quickly because I'm not allowed to give it a timbre and a musicality of its own.

It's meant to be read quickly.

Okay, gotcha.

Here we go.

So let me rip this.

What has a voice but never speaks?

What runs but never moves?

What ends before it begins bridges nowhere to nothing while a handless clock chimes 13 times at midnight and is the color of a soundless song?

This does sound hard.

JPC, your big speech earlier is looking pretty foolish.

Well, I don't know, Aaron.

Adult did just say teromethia, so I think we got it.

I heard Bridge in there somewhere.

Luke, I'd like to answer.

Okay, let's hear it.

Drafted by the Orlando Magic.

Traded to the Lakers.

Stint in Miami, where he won the championship.

Then the Boston Celtics.

Then I want to say, was he on the Raptors for a hot minute?

No, that was maybe a larger one.

I'll stop at Boston Celtics.

Cavs.

He was on the Cavs.

Yes.

Damn it.

So close.

Retired.

Retired is a Cavs Cavalry.

That's right.

Is that

correct?

Shaq was on all those basketball teams.

Shaq was on a lot of teams.

He played for a very long time.

I forgot my ignorance, but what is the average amount of teams that someone will play for in a career?

Nowadays, they used to have a term for people who got traded, which was like journeymen.

And nowadays, everyone gets traded.

Luca Don just got traded, which is the most insane shit of all time.

Yeah, I was trying to understand that, and I couldn't quite grasp the stakes.

I've never seen people panic about a trade like that.

Because it was the dumbest trade of all time.

It's like trading Michael Jordan in his prime and being like, this is good.

For what?

Yeah.

Though.

For an old guy.

10 hot meals.

Who never plays.

10 hot meals and a thumbs up.

Yeah.

And like, they almost won.

They were in the finals last year with Luca, and they were like, let's get rid of our best player.

Did anyone understand why?

Did he cost too much money?

The rumor is that the owner of the

fat or he drank too much.

There's a million rumors why.

The big rumor that I believe is that the owner, it's like a newer owner, is that the owners wanted to open up a casino in Dallas and they wouldn't let them because they're like, well, the team is so popular that we don't, the revenue, da-da-da-da.

So they're like, okay, well, I'll just slowly make this team unpopular so I can open up my casino.

They now have a record-setting amount of people injured.

So now their entire team, they have seven people who can play basketball right now, which on a team of, what, 16?

So nine of them are injured and can't play.

So they're like, the coach is basically like, I don't even know what to do.

Like, I don't know.

Here's what you do.

Don't say air button.

Don't say air.

Don't.

And an homage to the great.

We Gene Hackman, we replacements this, R.I.P, and we have Keanu Reeves come in.

We have that guy who looks like he could be an Oasis.

Hold on.

Hold on.

We have the guy from the MiG7 up to

220.

JPC, here's what sucks.

I know exactly who you're talking about.

Is it Rifes Iifson or what's his name?

Yeah, yeah.

It's like Iif Rifson.

Oh, are you talking about are you talking about Lil Nikki's brother?

Is it the same guy that plays the lizard in the bad Spider-Man movie?

Yeah, yeah, it's that guy.

And he's also in the Game of Thrones spin-off.

He's like the Hand of the King or something.

That guy's good.

I like that guy.

He is good.

Yeah.

I'd like to see a scene.

It's Mavericks, right?

We're talking about them.

Yeah,

kind of.

Yeah, I guess.

Luke, you are the coach of the Dallas Mavericks, and it's

halftime, and you're trying to give a speech that's going to motivate the pathetic team in front of you played by JPC and Adel

and Aaron and Aaron and Aaron you can be

we'll see I might hop in with a little summon

you guys it's I'm not gonna sugarcoat it that was a tough half yeah you know I appreciate that we hustled I know we're playing 3v5

all right

We're playing 3v5, so wait, wait, wait, that was only half?

That was only one half.

We still have one more half to do?

Well, if it makes you feel any better, we have two more quarters.

Can we use all our timeouts in a row to end the game?

I already used my timeouts, and the other team started calling timeouts as like a, we're sorry, we want.

And then I'm like, actually, if you can stop calling them, we want the clock to run out.

Could you make a rule or could you talk to the ref if I need to rest on the little table that they have where they're calling the game?

Could you just, I know I can't sit in the chairs, but could you just see if I could rest like leaning on the table?

Like I'm still standing, I'm just leaning on the table.

Daphne, unfortunately, I can't rest any of you guys.

We actually, yeah.

Can I wear roller skates in the second half?

Honestly, whatever gets you through it, I think you, I don't think there's a rule against it, but I am worried that it will, you'll be injured.

No.

Just with your momentum.

Mr.

Coach, sir.

Pulling at his jacket.

Oh, yes.

Yes, you Dickensian street orphan

who plays center.

Yeah.

It seems like a lot of these fans sort of keep saying, they keep screaming that they could do better.

What if we let them try, Mr.

Coachster?

I'm one step ahead of you.

We actually, the game is going on right now.

Oh, good.

Oh, it's behind us.

They're running up and down.

So it is happening right now.

And there are fans playing.

And this is kind of a good moment for a lot of these kinds of guys who say they can play better and they're just getting windmill dunked on.

But they told me to kind of jingle keys and keep you guys kind of busy so that.

Ooh,

they're tightening these keys.

Oh my goodness.

I got it.

Honestly, if some of these fans can shoot basketballs the same way that they whip batteries, I think that we're going to, you know, actually make some baskets today.

Yeah, Philadelphia is a brutal place to play.

Aaron, I have to imagine your catchphrase was, please, sir, may I have a dunk?

Yeah, probably something like that.

I'll think of another one.

Okay, so this riddle has like a 13th hour in it.

That's what threw me.

At first, I thought it could be like a sentence.

Yeah.

Daily reading time could be a little bit more.

Yeah, I was like getting.

Yeah, you want me to read it really fast again?

Please.

Yeah.

Okay.

What has a voice but never speaks?

What runs but never moves?

What ends before it begins?

Bridges nowhere to nothing while a handless clock chimes 13 times at midnight and is the color of a soundless song.

It's not like a refrigerator, is it?

No.

Because it runs without.

Okay, never mind.

The color of a soundless song.

I feel like so much of this is like intentionally misleading.

Yeah.

Bridges nowhere to or nowhere to nothing.

Bridges nowhere to nothing.

The word to

silence.

Two?

That's what I thought too, but no.

Okay.

But sort of validating that someone else thought that.

I did think that

because 13 chime, I was like, that might be silence.

Because there is no 13 chime.

The 13th chime.

Yeah, there is no 13th chime.

Or like, I think the 13th chime is like national emergency.

I asked the person that sent this to me, I said, is there a hint?

Telephone.

And this person said, no.

There is no hint because

this is a nonsense.

There is no answer.

This is nonsense that I'm changing up.

And they just wanted to see what you would guess with a bunch of made-up garbage.

Who did this?

This is like the Jabberwocky.

Who did this?

This was, let me see.

Let me see.

Sorry, the Jabberwockies featuring the Jabberwockies.

This was from me.

Okay.

Wow.

Wow.

This was from me.

Luke.

Are you calling 911?

On myself.

Yeah.

They got to stop me before I do what I'm going to do.

Don't do it to me.

Luke gets swatted for a riddle.

Luke, I have to say, that was truly phenomenal writing because that hit every single

point of what a riddle, like that, I would have guessed that was like a riddle from like the 1800s.

That was incredible.

Hey, I did my very best for it to make absolutely no sense, but sound like it might make some.

I think I went one thing too much.

There definitely sounded like there was an answer.

That was

extremely good.

And you know, no one's done that before.

And I, it kind of felt good.

It kind of felt good to get, have someone come in and absolutely.

Oh, God.

I've talked to JPC

a lot about the just the amount of riddles you guys have done over the years and just like how you've you've gone through the bottom of the barrel and you're now you've dug through the center to the core of the earth kind of thing.

I'm like, what would you do if I just gave you

just

this?

Is where you've reached like hollow earth.

Honestly, Luke, it felt kind of good for it to have no answer because sometimes the answer pisses me off so much that that genuinely sort of felt like sweet death.

There's a tension relief.

I know what you mean when the answer makes less sense.

Yes.

This tracks for you, Aaron.

Because Aaron, weren't you saying this weekend that you like a little bit of pleasure with your pain and vice versa?

You were saying that to me while I was on the phone.

I am having a ton of sex.

Okay.

I hate this soundboard.

I said that once as a joke and now JPC plays.

Did they clip that?

Yeah, they clip that.

Well, JPC, play one of your clips.

Fuck you.

this you casey you too

never mind

never mind um luke i have a question for you though yeah yeah is it possible if our listeners submitted some answers to this riddle if you if we could send them along to you and you could deem which one is the answer 100

do you guys think i should have let you sweat it out longer

i think that was a the perfect amount of sweating it out because anything anything else we'd be pissed this was, like Aaron said, this was like amazing.

This is like a release of an eight-year holding of our breath to be like, yeah, I always cried.

Like a relief kind of cry.

Like when you cry in yoga.

Yeah.

A relief.

You're crying out a bad spirit.

Yeah.

I think if you wanted to be an absolute bastard, what you could have done, Luke, is you could have done another 10 minutes of it and kept giving us hints.

Like hints that equally made no fucking sense.

But like we were, we, cause I felt lost the whole time.

but if you had made me feel like I was very close, but I wasn't getting it, then I would have been like, oh, fuck you.

Yeah, if I had used the color of a soundless song as a hint.

Yeah.

You would have watched me get a nosebleed.

I think last, not this year, but last year's Sketchfest, someone, I believe it was at a San Francisco Sketchfest, somebody gave...

me, thus, us, a copy of a game called, I want to say it's called Wise Owls.

And it's a a bunch of cards that you flip over and there's like 5000 combinations of how the cards could like play out in in three or four word uh order and it presents a answer and then you have to make up a riddle for it so you're basically it's a game where you have to improvise riddles based on an answer i believe so it's reverse engineering uh yes riddles at some point luke we should have you on a patreon and do and play some wise owls and see what you know do you you you're the one that has that at all yes okay i was gonna say i was like i don't have i don't think i have that but that makes more sense i have it um All right.

Well, hey, okay, fuck you, Luke.

We're going to make you do a real one now because of what you just did to us.

Well, technically, mine was a real one.

No.

I mean,

he wrote it.

I would argue that my nonsense riddle with purposefully no answer

was better than like one or two of the riddles that were submitted last time I was on the show.

There were two of them where I'm like, fuck that one.

I'm like, that's not a fence or whatever.

I don't know.

Also, Luke, I think my favorite part of your performance was you going, I have to read it a certain way because that's what was making me spiral.

It's like, oh, if this was written in a cadence, I would be able to get it.

Like, if you read it a different way,

that rocked.

That really broke my brain.

Aaron, there's only one thing to do because JPC and Luke are fighting.

We have to take this riddle to Riddle Court.

Hello and welcome back to Riddle Court.

Please welcome Judge JPC.

All right.

Wait, he's the judge?

Yeah, sorry.

This is a bad system.

Sorry, this is really bad.

And I'm the one who types it all down.

This is going to be a quick case.

I am both.

He's the judge.

The plaintiff in this case.

He's also the jury.

You're going to hate this.

What is this?

America?

All right, Mr.

Foreman.

Mr.

Foreman, do you have a verdict?

Yes, yes, yes.

Not you.

You're the

stenographer.

I'm both.

I announced you.

Doesn't the foreman announce the judge?

That's the bailiff.

Even the character, Eric Foreman from that 70s show.

The character, not the guy.

Are is the guy good?

No, that's Tofer Grace.

He's fine.

Most of them aren't anymore.

Luke.

The defendant and the defense.

Luke, you have to defend your riddle to Judge JPC and jury JPC or you get murdered.

Okay, that makes sense.

The purpose of any good riddle, Judge, Your Honor, in my estimation and in the eyes of the law, is to have fun.

Gibbity, gibbity, gibbetity.

I have to agree with the foreman of the jury here.

Which is that you agree so hard that you gibbity-gibbity-huh at me.

This is unprecedented, but he makes a compelling point.

A riddle is to have fun.

And did you have fun with the way I read it?

But you are on thin ice.

You are on thin ice.

Yes, we had fun.

Judge, Your Honor, the prosecution would like to say that a riddle is nothing without an answer.

You're the bailiff, the stenographer, and the prosecution.

There are eight things too.

There's only three of us.

I feel like what am I?

I'm judge and defendant.

You're judge and jury.

I'm jury.

I'm somehow on the jury, too.

Dog bursts into the courtroom, slams open the door.

Stop.

don't

don't do the electric chair stop everything the governor is called

oh is this the wrong do you what room do you think this is

oh i am so we hear an electric chair go next door

we don't know if that was the same thing could have been yeah that might have been a really big bug hitting a zapper no you're on it you're on it there's a radio shack next door it could have just been someone sitting in one of those nice electric radio shack chairs how do you know the quality of a riddle if it doesn't even have an answer?

Oh, that's a great riddle.

She posted a riddle.

She posted a riddle.

How do you know?

That's a good point.

That's a good point.

Speak on that.

That sounds like a riddle.

Yeah, I'm going to read my notes.

It's sort of all I had.

And we slowly pan back and realize that this is the second season of Toobi's Jury Duty and they tried to cram way too much into it.

Yeah, the next season of Toobi's Jury Duty is that all of them are actors and they think someone someone isn't an actor but they're all actors there's no one who's not in on it but they are unaware that would actually kind of look great Casey said holy shit ha ha ha ha that would be amazing

and see

all right Casey it wasn't tuby it was um freevie freevy thank you thank you freevie Tubi freevy three v

quibby that was uh pamphlet common sense patrick was his name Thomas Payne Thomas Payne thank you so much in the the Pamphlet Common Sense, he wrote, Give me liberty, give me death.

And then he said, To be freebie is everythingy.

Everything.

They didn't know I said Thomas Payne, though, because I was eating too much peanut butter.

Yeah, you were thinking, Patrick Henry, give me liberty or give me quibby.

Small bites.

I do think that we should replace like one, two, three, four, five with like, okay, so it's like to be freebie quibby.

This is like insane television persons counting to 10.

Sounds like the guy on Fat Fat Albert's already.

Yeah.

Yeah, the Icelandic guy in Fat Albert.

Yeah, it's just

Icelandic Fat Albert.

Icelandic guy who plays the washboard

in Fat Albert's band.

This is why it's good to have new blood on the show every once in a while because we haven't come up with something that awesome in a minute.

I do like, you know how like Sesame Street, they do like Sesame Street in like different countries.

It's like, you know, Peruvian Sesame Street.

I would love it if it was every show.

And they just had Icelandic

Casey says there's Mubi 2, which I think

Casey, I think Mubi is like a porn thing.

That can be five.

That can be six.

I think that's from Witch McCullough.

Jane's hop.

Yeah, Jane's hop up.

Muby.

Mubi is the

McDonald's thing.

Wait, wait, Casey, do you mean the thing that Maria Minunos does before the movies?

Oh, the movie time.

Movie time?

It's movie time.

That's what a kid says to a babysitter.

It's movie time.

And we're watching Antichrist.

I don't know.

This is just, I've seen YouTubers advertise it.

You've seen YouTubers advertise movie?

I think so.

Is it movie or maybe it's movie?

Yeah, movie is something, Casey.

Casey, movie is like TV shows, but they're long.

It's like three episodes of a TV show.

I do want to see a scene.

I have to see a scene where Luke Null is a babysitter and JBC and Aaron, you are the kids.

And this is a babysitter showing, what's that director's name?

Milos.

No, who did Antichrist?

The same guy who did like Dog Dog Tooth and everything, right?

Oh, Lars von Treyer.

Yes, yes.

Which, there's that movie where Breaking the Sound, Breaking the Waves.

This is going to go well.

There's a movie, Lars Von Treyer did, where it's like,

Anna wants to see a scene.

He can't remember the director or the movie.

A woman believes that God is telling her to cheat on her husband or something.

Anyway, this is a babysitter showing the kids he's babysitting in an inappropriate movie.

Great.

Hey, what's up, you guys?

It's me,

your babysitter, Luke Null.

I'm playing.

I'm doing my best, you guys.

Hopefully you liked dinner did you guys kids like dinner it was french fries you found in your car yeah but they're not all from the same place so it probably tastes like it yeah no one of them was an Arby there was one Arby in there Arby that's another one

um uh yeah normally like our parents like try to give us like vegetables and like protein and stuff for dinner too Well, I were technically french fries are protein and one of those was a meat fry, was a chicken fry.

I knew it.

I felt crazy.

Now, you kids are...

I mean, what time's bedtime?

You guys got like, what, two hours before you got a conk out?

No.

Bedtime's nine, and it's...

It's 10.30.

We're up way too late.

It's 10.30.

We're up way too late.

This sucks.

I have to show you a movie legally.

Okay, mate, we're really liking Moana right now if you want to watch Moana with us.

We don't got it.

Oh, it's streaming.

It's

not the physical copies of.

Oh, I'm not signed in on this smart TV.

It's our...

I only have the one hard-copied disc I brought.

And my own Blu-ray player.

He's got one of those 2000 CD booklets in it.

It's one

of the in it.

There's one DVD.

Yeah, there's the other stuff in here, but that's just, that's not for me.

That's just for me.

Okay.

So all of these look like they're all of these look like they're like burned dvds these don't look are these like bootlegs these are i have a guy who if all you have to do is you you mail he has a po box you mail him a request of what you want and he will put he'll mail you

his number and you call his number and he'll he'll come to your house when he's not on house arrest.

Sounds pretty seedy, Luke.

I don't know if you're all hanging out.

You guys are going to love this.

I actually never met him.

It sounds like

bad old Netflix.

How old are you, kids?

I'm 16, and my sister's 14.

I'm 14.

Why the fuck am I watching a 16-year-old?

Why am I a babysitting a 16-year-old?

What's wrong with you?

What's your deal?

I don't think anyone called you.

Like, our parents are asleep upstairs.

What?

Yeah, there's a lot of people.

We look next door and there's two kids sort of sitting at their dining room table panicking.

They're starving.

We opened the door because we were very big fans of one specific season of Saturday Night Live.

Which one?

We love Finesse Mitchell.

Oh,

he's a great guy.

Whatever his season was.

We'd love to see this movie, though.

Yeah, I guess we could see the movie if it's a movie.

I think it was fan Michael Larson.

So,

in order to watch this movie, it is technically the third in a trilogy, but I'm going to catch you guys up

on it by just letting you know that at this point in the story, we know God is dead.

So number two ends with God

played by Willem Dafoe passing away.

Okay.

And so what you're about to see is one continuous shot.

So this is one long tracking shot, which is, and you're going to love this.

When you say for one long tracking shot, do you mean the movie?

Or do you mean the guy who's like recording the cam of the movie at the theater?

It seems like he's running around trying to like avoid maybe being like tackled by movie theater security.

Yeah.

He's actively dodging two Paul Blort mall cop kind of guys

as he videotapes a bootleg.

I have motion sickness.

This is really hard to watch.

It is hard to watch, but in an emotional way.

Is the guy who's filming it also humming Yakety Sacks?

Because it seems like

that's part of the movie.

That's part of the movie.

And if you watch any Larspon Trear, it always opens with Benny Hill.

That's so funny.

I love the idea of the two kids next door.

panicking at the dining room table.

Oh, man.

Oh, no.

Casey says, Mubi is a streaming service, but they also produce the substance.

I like that Casey is still on Mubi.

I like that we lost Movie.

We've gone off Mubi, but Casey's like, let me unpack Mubi for you.

In my defense, I typed that, but you guys started the scene.

I didn't want to interrupt.

No, I'm just that's that's very courteous.

The substance did rock.

Did you guys see the substance?

Oh, yeah.

I was too scared.

Too scared.

Yeah, my wife did not want to see it.

She said, not for me.

Bonkers, bonkers.

I had to look away for maybe 20 minutes of of movie because there's so much needle stuff in it.

There is a lot of needle stuff.

Yeah, I heard the performances were really good.

Yeah.

I heard similar, but body horror is just not my, not my

cup of movie.

The sound effects are like Tim and Eric.

The same person that did the sound effects for Tim and Eric, like anytime they're like eating shrimp or anything, it's all very like a cartoon, like 10 out of 10 level.

Like, quack, quack, quick, quick, quack, quack.

It's like Red and Stimpy when they they would like do an extreme close-up and be like, oh, I hated that.

I hated that.

Like the boogers on the nostril hairs and stuff.

It's like a gross-up, they call that.

A gross-up.

Holy shit.

That's a good question.

Oh.

Mr.

Hollywood, I'm ready for my gross-up.

I'm ready for my gross-up, Lorne.

And they go,

you were fired years ago.

Well, Luke, it's that time of the episode where we have to fire one person and we always fire the guest.

But before we let you go, um, what do you have to plug?

What do you have to promote?

What do you got going on?

Oh, my goodness gracious, depending on when this comes out, I am actually releasing a stand-up special that came out today, the day of recording, which means, uh, but right now is that sweet spot of right now, it's only available for the real ones, the people that wanna, um, it's like 10 bucks or whatever, who want to pay for it.

It will be out on YouTube with 800 pound gorilla on the 25th of March.

Okay, that's like next week.

Next week it comes out for real, for real.

But where can people go if they want to buy it?

Oh boy, oh boy.

You could check me out on any of the social media apps that are putting a wormhole in your brain.

I'm on there and I'm going to be hawking this special big time.

It's also available on 800 Pound Gorilla's website.

But if you follow, I'm looting all in all the different things

and I'm going to have the link in there.

Oh my goodness gracious.

I got Wayne Brady improvising a tune tune with me at the end.

Damn, that's amazing.

It was so sick.

It was so nice.

You filmed this in LA, right?

I filmed it in L.A.

I have a Tupac hologram.

I go all out.

I go all out.

I really do.

I have a hologram of myself.

Say again.

What venue did you film it at?

I filmed it at the venue Dynasty Typewriter, which I believe you guys have done a live show there.

It's our favorite.

Yes.

We love it.

It's the best.

Dynasty Typewriter, 10 out of 10 popcorn.

Love the DynaPop.

Oh, yeah.

Best green room in the world, I would say.

Honestly, best green room in the world.

Perfectly.

Without spoiling too much of it, do you think that we get you playing the guitar in this comedy special?

There is a non-zero percent chance that I play guitar almost pretty much the whole time.

And then you're on Spotify as well.

It'll be on Spotify as well.

It's out there.

It's urban.

Speaking of out there, Aaron, you're fucking nuts.

What are you asking about?

That was awesome.

I would say check out the Haverdal Riddle Patreon, patreon.com slash Haverdalriddle.

JPC, your guided meditations are still on there.

Those are very funny.

If you want to.

You can still purchase those too.

Yeah.

J-O-I.

Are you still doing J-O-I?

Oh, jerk off incessantly?

No, we were told to stop.

Instruction police.

Oh, oh, oh.

Where you explain step-by-step how to do it?

Because some people go like,

what's funny is I didn't know what J-O-I stood for, but instinctively I knew it had to be jerk-off.

Like it had to have that in it.

You guys are friends.

There's a Venn diagram of how your brains work for sure.

That's true.

We talk often.

Yeah.

Adel, do you have anything to plug?

Yes.

Coming up this, I want to say it's going to be like the end of November leading into December for the holidays, I am releasing my J-O-I to the World jerk-off instructions.

These are going to be holiday-themed jerk-off instructions.

No matter what you celebrate, whatever holiday you celebrate on December 25th, exactly.

We stand an inclusive king.

Or Metamorphosis.

Metamorph and plumbing, whatever you've got going on down there, Adel's going to tell you how to get it off with some holiday cheer.

So I was about to say, I have no idea how to do it around the holidays.

Normal style, I do know how to do it.

So hold on to the bottom.

Yeah, you use peppermint, I guess.

I don't know.

J-O-I to the world.

J-O-I to the world, Joy.

Jerkoff instructions.

Also, $10 for Luke Knoll's new album.

That is one, if you think about it, that is 1 15th of a lournament.

So, yes.

Unbelievably good price.

Way more value.

Everything

by Luke Knoll, a delightful human and a hilarious human as well.

JPC, do you have anything to plug or promote?

Oh,

yeah.

One thing I would definitely like to plug or promote, Aaron and Adam and I, we just just got back uh a week or so ago from the Joco cruise.

Uh, we had a wonderful time and we recorded a review crew for our eight-dollar tier on our Patreon, uh, reviewing a specific thing that we all did together on the Joco cruise.

But if you are looking for our thoughts and feelings about that, uh, head over to patreon.com/slash Have Riddle Vertal join the review crew for eight dollars a month and listen to that episode that will come out probably later this month.

Yeah, later this month.

Joco, jack off cruise out.

Yeah,

Aaron, I don't like that.

Created by Adult Rafai.

Starring Aaron Keenan

and John Patrick Cohen.

Casey Tony did the editing.

Emmari Paris in the music video since the

photo created by Emily Cardamis and Emiline Morris.

Hey there, ragdolls and hummingbirds.

If you like that, you're gonna love this week's Patreon.

It's a superhero audition.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle by joining the clupe crew for $5 a month, or start your seven-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there.

That was a head gum podcast.