#376: All Pervert's Eve w/ Ross Bryant

This is a head gum podcast.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

He stabbed him with an ice agree.

And the horse's name cried.

Since the horse made the ridge

with the ridge of the ridge

of must

All right, so I um I put in a bid, guys, and I won.

Um, it's a storage unit.

I guess the owner died or something.

I watched a lot of storage wars.

You guys seen that?

You heard of this?

Oh, man.

Yeah, no, I'm excited for you.

I hurried over because I heard I put in a bidet.

Oh.

Why did you hurry over?

Did you need to use a bidet?

No, let's just do what you're going to do.

If you have to use a bidet, I don't really want to be hanging out right now.

Because a bidet is the only toilet that pisses in your butt

or whatever.

It's the only toilet.

But no, let's do what you were going to do.

I can deal with my thing later or whatever.

Addle, this is so exciting.

There could be something worth so much inside this storage unit.

I know so many times people, you know, they pay 20 bucks and they open it and it's like a bunch of vintage toys or like Santa or whatever.

Like it's, it's so exciting.

Like the old car.

Like an old car.

You haven't opened it yet?

Did you just not wipe?

So there could still be stuff in there that I could

have like and towels or why didn't you just wipe before you came here?

Well, where were you 50 minutes ago, Aaron?

50 minutes.

Could you pull up your pants at least?

No, no.

Let's just open the storage unit.

I feel someone sort of banging at it.

Let's hold on.

Wait.

Okay.

Whoa.

Oh, my gosh.

It's Ross Bryant.

Wow.

Hello.

Whoa.

Did you breathe in there, Ross?

My God.

Oh, gosh, it was pretty close in there.

Wow.

So, did anyone place a bidet on me before you cracked open the

door?

You're in luck, friend.

Ross, thank you so much for being here.

Of course, we know Ross from back in the day in Chicago in a little, yeah, baby.

A little show that could called Improvise Shakespeare.

A little mom-and-pop show that is now sweeping the nation.

A little mom-and-pop show,

taking lace front shirt comedy to every state in our great land.

You are Chicago Comedy Royalty, Ross, because you also did Second City as well.

You were around that whole town.

Well, I got around that big, beautiful, windy city for sure.

I love it so.

I miss it truly.

I feel like I was just hanging out with some Chicago folks not too long ago, and it got me real nostalgic.

Do you miss the winters, though?

I mean, of course, that's a real real gotcha question, Aaron, because of course, yeah, who could really miss the winters?

But what I really do miss about it is the camaraderie that it creates, that everybody goes through this annual hazing ritual of pain and torment as all of nature is trying to destroy you with wind.

But every time you go into any interior space, you're met with such warmth and fellowship as people

look up at you with foggy glasses and

piping hot mugs of stew.

You should work for the Chicago Tourism Board.

That was gorgeous.

Yeah, I feel like

that should be shots of like Old Town with

what Ross just said, but narrated by Bill Murray or something.

Yeah, but can we change stew to wet beef?

I mean, we're really trying to push the wet beef at this point.

So, yeah, baby.

I mean, we joke, but oh, I miss a wet beef.

For the un-Midwesterners among us, or perhaps un-bear viewers,

an Italian beef sandwich is like a, it's like a hard

hoagie roll like piece of Italian bread with a bunch of loose beef inside.

But if you get it wet, then you take the whole sandwich and you dunk it in that juice so that you get to live the dream of eating a soggy sandwich that is like falling falling apart like wet cardboard in your hands as you attempt to eat it.

Hard to defend Chicago food.

Hard to sort of die in the hill of deep dish.

Pizza.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Nine out of ten, Chicago women carry a jus in their their purse.

Erin, confirm or denote.

Confirm.

What you carry it is like pepper spray, right?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

Everyone comes strapped with a little cup of anjus and another little cup of jardonera in case an attacker comes out of the mist.

But not ketchup.

No, not ketchup.

Not around here.

Not around here, baby.

In Chicago, we call it bears spray because it's what you spray on a bears fan to get them distracted for a few seconds to give you time to slip away.

Yeah, aerosolized little peppers and cauliflower, just in case anybody takes a swipe at you.

That's bear spray.

Now, Ross, you are very intelligent.

And I know this because I've seen you do improvised Shakespeare.

And you're one of the best to ever do that, too.

So an echelon of intelligence that this show is not used to.

What is your relationship with riddles, puzzles, lateral thinking problems, escape rooms?

I mean, that's quite a heap and help and a praise.

But

I got to say that I think I'm probably more of a trivia guy than I am a puzzles guy.

I'm kind of late to puzzles.

I've now started doing crosswords and stuff, and I really do like them.

But I always feel

when it comes to riddles,

sometimes they're fine, but sometimes I really feel like I'm banging my head against the wall, and riddles kind of make me feel dumb.

Well, they're

crafted to infuriate because a lot of times, especially with the riddles we do on this show, there's a ton of information being omitted that is meant to be impossible to glean when you are confronted with what's on the page.

Yes, some riddles I've encountered are written with pristine mathematical elegance, but it seems the majority of them are written with the logic of a bazooka Joe comic.

Yeah.

Well, like with trivia, sometimes even if you might not know it, there is context in the way that the question is asked that allows you to like make an inference.

And riddles are devoid of that context.

They are trying to trick you, and there usually is not helpful helpful context in there to guide you to a correct answer.

Yeah, there's an arrogance to it.

They're trying to make you fail.

Yeah, exactly.

It's because think of riddles.

It's trolls and crafty warlocks

who are

their medium.

Literally, a Batman villain.

Yeah, literally,

this is villainous behavior.

Nefarious behavior indeed.

Yeah, there's no crossworder.

Batman's not fighting the logic problem.

Mr.

Trivia, my favorite Batman villain.

I mean, there has to be at this point, is there not a crossword king?

Like, there's Calendar Man.

Is there a Crossword King?

Barry Trivia would be a great villain.

Ross, what was your college major?

Were you a theater guy?

I was, oh boy, get this.

I was not a theater guy.

I self-designed a performance studies major through the interdisciplinary studies department.

That's wild.

So I'm one of those people who like made their own major.

Damn.

I wanted to make a major even less marketable than a theater degree.

What was the best class that you took while you were there?

Golly, I think the one that really sticks in my memory is this history class I took called American Culture in the 20th Century.

And it cut the, or it wasn't even, it was world culture.

It was like world history in the

20th century.

And it kind of took a look at culture from the end of World War I, basically up until the present day.

And so it was an awesome sort of cultural survey of all these little political and artistic movements in that time.

It was kind of mind-blowing.

The text of it, which was written by the professor,

who was an excellent professor, Jim Winders,

was just like a reading list of the coolest novels and

viewing list of the best paintings and cinema and whatever.

It was just like, it was a real like a guidebook to an era of culture that was really interesting.

And this was one of the first college classes where

he made a big show about like, in this class, we're going to cover punk rock.

Hold for applause.

We're going to get Jim Winders on the show, guys.

I was just going to say two things.

One, Jim Winders is the best Sam Shepard character I've ever heard.

And two,

it sounds like based on that class, Ross, that you could go toe-to-toe with Matt Damon and Goodwill Hunting.

Golly, maybe.

Although,

no, no, I would not like those apples.

If there's a big old chonky equation on the wall,

I'm moonwalking out of that room.

But I bet you could beat him in a fight.

Maybe.

I'm kind of a tall drink of water, so I'd probably at least be able to calm his forehead while he impotently took swings at me that kept missing me by two or three inches.

I like to say Ross is a tall pitcher of punch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, I'm always saying I could take a tall caraficula.

Jason Bourne.

I could probably take Jason Bourne down, no problem.

Depending on the edits.

Depending on the edits.

Depending on the edits.

Ross, I think you might be my trivia partner for a Like Minds live show this week.

Thank goodness.

That's very exciting.

I mean, I think we're going to be a formidable duo.

Yeah, I think we're going to win because last time you beat me when we were in Like Minds together.

Eviscerated is maybe the correct word.

What are your go-to categories?

Like, where are your strong suits for trivia?

Oh, nothing.

And that's why I'm really happy I'm with Ross.

She does protest too much.

I have no corner of expertise.

The next category is Hingham Cross Streets.

Ah, fuck.

That's where I'm from, and I still won't know.

So I do remember at that show, though.

I think it was that show.

It might have been another one where it was like sort of a charades section where your partner had to, through the arts of pantomime, convey a painting.

And my partner, Reika Shankar,

successfully mimed Picasso's Guernica.

That's insane.

No small feat.

That's insane.

Now, Guernica's where Ethan Hawk has his legs elongated.

Yes.

That is Guernica.

What is...

Now I'm forgetting the real woman.

In the show that I did with you, I confused Madame Toussaux and who's the woman?

Madame Bovary?

No,

Marie Curie.

I confused Madame Curie.

So I'm actually quite smart.

Yes, Madame Curie, the discoverer of radium.

Yes.

The same thing.

The same thing.

Both made of wax.

Yes.

Famously.

We're short on famous madams.

It was an honest mistake.

Thank you so much.

I really appreciate that.

I mean, it was either them or butterfly.

Because we have a Chicago classic with us today, I decided to be a little ambitious with our warm-up riddles.

And we are going to do 26 warm-up riddles.

Whoa.

From 26.

A listener who submitted them named Shannon.

So thank you, Shannon.

Now, all of these riddles,

you'll have a little bit of a helping hand because they all begin with a letter of the alphabet and I'm going to read them in order.

Okay.

Okay.

The first answer will begin with a.

Do the answers start with successive letters of the alphabet?

No, the answers will start like, so the answer to the first riddle will begin with an A.

The answer to the second riddle will begin with a B.

Okay, got it, got it, got it.

It's basically midnight my time here in Los Angeles, so I can't be expected to explain this riddle game.

You're two hours behind us?

It's fine.

It's not 7.22.

It's it's basically the middle of the night it's still light outside and i can see a bunch of candles in your nope nothing oh yeah nope yep that's right okay it floats like a log it looks like a log yet it isn't a log it's apple a picture of a log no you can't just

what can't i do what can't i do

you can't think of a word before i even read it and then just guess

this one is it doesn't feel totally like a riddle it looks like a log.

It floats like a log.

Yet it isn't a log.

I bet people sometimes confuse it for a log, and then they go, oop.

Is this like a boat?

No.

It's a word that starts with A.

It's not like the word A.

Yeah, I guessed a picture of a log.

Oh, oh, oh.

Alligator.

Yes.

Yes.

What?

Allamigator.

What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?

Blueberry.

Nope.

Whiteberry.

You see, you did that thing again where you thought of the

black boy.

Oh my

I do want to see a scene.

Oh, go ahead.

Ross, we're going to have you be a high school teacher.

And you are teaching today about North American reptiles, and you have never seen one.

JPC and Aaron, you are the students, and you're sort of catching on that your teacher may not know what they're talking about.

Got it.

But evolution is a pretty incredible thing because some creatures, some native fauna that exists in North America is relatively recent

as it sort of progressed through the annals of natural selection.

But then there are things like our native reptiles, such as the alligator, who are relatively unchanged since prehistoric times.

Long,

log-like creatures, frequently mistaken for logs, and much like logs,

flammable.

You can sometimes.

What?

Excuse me?

Sorry.

Mr.

Jeffrey.

Sorry.

Mr.

Jeffries,

you look like you're furiously Googling something.

I'm just grub hubbing.

I'm just grub hubbing.

To the school?

Yeah.

Mr.

Jeffries, to the school?

Wouldn't that be a strike three?

Sorry?

Wouldn't that be a strike three?

I'm sorry.

Are you reading Principal O'Connor's emails to me?

Yeah, well, she's really kind of opening up to the student.

She's really honest with us about what she puts on.

She puts a lot of your business on your Wikipedia page now, just

because kind of you've been caught,

I don't want to say lying,

but

now I have to, lying to students about how many strikes you're on.

So she puts a lot of it on your Wikipedia page now.

Did you say flammable?

I have a dedicated Wikipedia page.

Yes, yes.

Yeah, let's try to get back to the topic at hand, native North American reptiles.

Yes, the lovable, flammable alligator.

That's why, of course, they need to live in aquatic, marshy environments, because if they are exposed to too much direct sunlight, they will instantly catch a blaze.

The principal said you're a grifter and you don't know anything about anything.

Is that true, Mr.

Jeffries?

The principal said that.

O'Connor said that about me.

Yeah.

If they're cold-blooded reptiles, how do they not get direct sunlight?

Don't they need direct sunlight to warm their blood?

Who said anything about cold blood?

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I'm the liar, and you're standing over here talking about cold blood.

One.

I guess I'm a student.

I shouldn't be talking to like this, I think.

Or I don't know.

Mr.

Jeffries, your coffee smells like bourbon.

Shows how much you know.

That's scotch.

Mr.

Jeffries, Mr.

Jeffries, we're worried about you.

Let's take those emotions and kind of try to shift them over into focus.

Some eyes up here on the blackboard.

And you should take a notes.

Finals are two weeks from now.

Is this an alligator that you've drawn on the blackboard?

Is that what you think an elegator is?

Yeah, you can see its snout up here, the tail back here, and of course, the wheels

down below there.

Well,

Ross, that sucks.

Now you've ruined alligators for me

because I want to drive them.

Oh, wouldn't it be great?

I wish some animals had wheels.

Soon.

This is how a Dr.

Moreau gets started.

It'd be like, God, wouldn't it be good if I'm putting some wheels on this thing?

Oh, yeah.

Someone's like, yeah, I don't know, man.

Yeah, that'd be a great specific mad scientist boondoggle.

It's like, yes, they said I was mad, but I shouldn't dabble in God's domain.

Or just wait until they see me skating on a possum.

What's the is it something derby where they where they just drive cars to slam them into each other?

Demolition derby.

Demolition derby.

Did you guys ever get one?

I've been to one and it was the muddiest thing I've ever seen.

Yeah.

The first 40 rows got mud everywhere.

There's a splash zone, but there's also a zone where a fender might shoot at you at 35 miles an hour.

Yeah.

At all, are you suggesting we do this with woodland creatures?

Yeah.

Put them on wheels and crack.

We could just do a demolition derby with woodland creatures.

I think it would be so entertaining.

Oh, a critter derby.

Yeah.

Critter derby.

In the state that I grew up in, there was a dedicated demolition, like a permanent, dedicated Demolition Derby track that was like 20 minutes away from my house that I've been to.

And it was only for Demolition Derbies.

Like that's enough people wanted to watch Demolition Derbies in my hometown that they had a dedicated space for that.

And you're from Connecticut?

I'm just kidding.

I was going to say, Rock, would you believe he's from Indianapolis?

Yeah, well, when I was in Wadesboro, North Carolina, yeah, you went down to the county fair, and when everything was wrapping up, you just like went down the street to the demolition derby where guys were hammering into each other with the rear bumpers of their cars until everything fell apart.

And they could have just been kissing all that time, what they really wanted to do.

I mean, yeah, to me, yeah, I mean, if J.G.

Ballard was sitting right next to me and he was like, oh, this is pretty spicy stuff.

What has two hands but can't scratch itself?

Cantaloupe.

No, what has two hands?

Dude, JVC, you're doing a thing.

A clock.

Oh, a clock.

I would like to see a scene.

Adel, you're a clock and you're super itchy and you're asking

Ross for help.

Bong bong bong bong.

Bong bong bong.

What the fuck is

bong bong bong?

Hey, hey, hey, buddy.

Hey, bong, bong.

Yes.

Hey, sorry.

Yes.

Hello.

Sorry.

Do you mind, could you grab a chair or stepladder?

Do you mind just turning me over?

I don't need my batteries changed or anything.

I wouldn't.

That's gross.

I know.

I know.

You don't have to do that.

But could you just scratch?

Just got an itch.

Sort of between

it for me.

Okay.

All right, getting down to business.

I I like this.

I like a man who knows that he wants something.

Maybe not know what he wants, but he wants something.

Okay.

Just sounded to me like you were opening negotiations.

Okay, now

you want something?

Maybe I want something.

We meet in the middle, and that's how deals are struck, friend.

Meet in the middle, struck.

These are all clock terms.

I love this.

Now, just from your cadence, I'm going to guess pervert.

Well, uh,

jilty is charged.

Oh, you've been charged.

Okay, so here's what I say.

Um, oh.

Charged, but and but up till now, only alleged.

Now, you know these little things I got that's like minutes, second hour?

You know those are hands, right?

Little tiny hands.

Yeah, you're tiny little hands.

I bet there's something somewhere on you that if I put it in these hands, it would look so big.

Hey, you're the uh, you're the guy, uh, you're the guy in the house who gives inanimate objects what they want, right?

Uh, that's me.

Hey,

this is gonna sound like a strange request, but could you

beat the shit out of me?

Not enough to like make my stuffing come out, but enough to rearrange my stuffing so like I'm more comfortable to lay on.

Oh, yeah, just sort of flatten you out, but in order to do that, I'm gonna have to wail on you pretty hard.

Hey, you know, as hard as

hard as it needs to be, you know, I mean, you know, a dealer's choice when it comes to do whatever you want to do.

And honestly,

I got a bunch of cushions on this couch that kind of would like the same treatment.

So, what I'm hearing is enthusiastic affirmative consent.

Hey, honey, can I talk to you a second?

Yes.

Why did I get an Instagram DM from our blender

that said, hey, girly?

Just thought you should know.

Are you doing it again?

Are you doing weird stuff with the inanimate objects in our house?

Don't lie to me.

I don't.

I don't like the judgment of that word weird.

Look me in in the eye.

I'm giving them.

Charlotte, I'm giving them what they want.

I'm giving them what they want and what they need.

I would pack a suitcase, but God knows what you did to that.

The suitcase begged me.

This is sort of like an NC-17 Brave Little Toaster.

Which already is quite terrifying.

I don't think we need to make it any scarier.

What was I talking about?

Oh, yes.

These alphabet riddles.

What is the hardest key to turn?

And it begins with the D, and JPC.

Date.

Nope.

Hardest key.

To turn.

Dead.

Diecon radish.

Hardest key to turn.

Donkey.

Donkey.

I'd like to see a seed.

Yes.

I was like, what sort of key?

Yes.

JPC, you're a really stubborn donkey.

And Ross, you are trying to get him to move.

Please, please.

He know.

He knows.

Petunia, we've got to get you up to the mill, or else we won't be able to grind the flour.

We

won't be able to grind the flour?

He

hell naw.

He hell gnaw.

Please, come on.

This is how it works.

You help me bring the sacks up to the mill.

We grind them into flour, and then it's a trough full of tasty oats for you.

Come sundown.

I've been talking to the ponies and the horses about doing like a

four-leg union type of thing cuz we have rights

a

four-leg union

I oh these

we're going four legs good two legs bad on me.

I mean look we have legs we have rights we have bargaining power

You say grind I say he naw and then if more donkeys were here we would say sure together Sure, you can start a four-leg union if you want, but soon your union rep's going to be breathing down your neck.

The horse is going to be coming to you for dues.

It's going to be a whole nother.

What I'm offering you at the farm is the right to work.

It's the right to work.

Oh, interesting.

That sounds pretty interesting.

I didn't know anything about dues, and maybe they're kind of, huh?

Okay, now this is making a lot more sense.

You say, go up to the mill, walk around in a circle, grind all the.

And fuck you.

No way.

He hella!

I'm not falling for your back-breaking union-busting farmer tactics.

Look, I'm not trying to bust any unions.

I'm just trying to make a pitch for a free enterprise, petunia.

Uh-uh.

You know,

it's this kind of aggressive Moxie that's showing me that I uh I've maybe been um

been a little too hard on you.

How would you like to be a four donkey of the barnyard?

Okay, I mean, uh.

How would you like to be sort of a middle manager donkey?

Look,

what kind of benefits are we talking?

I mean, am I gonna be in charge of other donkeys walking around?

I mean, like.

Well, that's exactly what I'm telling you.

Okay, now I think I could sell this.

Uh, what I'm offering you is

some petty authority over the other animals in the barnyard.

I don't like that word benefits, and let's not bring it up again.

Sure, sure, sure.

All right, horse, cow.

I made a really good deal.

And the good news is, no more.

Huh, okay.

Gonna just write that down.

You're gonna be a problem.

Cow, gonna be a problem.

Wait, what does that mean?

It doesn't mean that.

Wait, are you wearing a tie?

What's going on?

What does it say next to my name?

Amoo.

Hey, can I get wheels?

I heard some guys are getting wheels.

Can I get wheels?

A lot of guys are getting wheels, but only if they get with the program.

Oh, I'll get with the program.

When you join in, you get wheels.

No, we're unionizing, right?

Okay, we're going to have to, let's see.

You're going to go to a meat packing plant.

What does that mean?

It doesn't matter.

It's fun.

I'm doing that thing that Sally Field did in that one movie with my little...

What if cows have hooves?

Up.

Union.

God, come on.

Oh, she's going to fall.

It just says union and eat more chicken.

See?

Oh, brother.

I reference that movie all the time.

I don't know the name of of it.

What the hell is that movie called?

Marie Curie.

Oh, is it Silkwood?

No.

No.

Is Silkwood something?

Her name.

Norma Ray.

Norma Ray.

Norma Ray.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Forget it.

Forget it.

All right.

Here we go.

Yes.

Isn't it so galling that the anti-union people call it right-to-work legislation?

Oh, that's brutal.

I love it because

you get to name the legislation whatever you want and explain it however you want.

We had a ballot measure here in Illinois fail that was going to tax home purchases over a million dollars.

And the way when it showed up on the like voting or the ballot measure, it had like 1,500 words to the question.

And you were like, oh, yeah.

This is how things work.

Like things don't get to be fair.

They get to be the way that they get to be intentionally designed to make sure that people vote against their interests.

That's always fun.

Right to work.

I love when people just do really good branding,

where like truth social, you're just like, people are dumb.

And if we put a word in the name, people are going to think it's real.

I remember when I was a kid, there were these commercials that aired on TV that I would see because they played them at times where kids were watching TV.

And it had a little jingle.

And the jingle was, if you want to work, you got to get a work permit.

A work permit.

A work permit.

If you want to work, you got to get a work permit.

And I was like, hell yeah, I got to, what the fuck?

I'm 14.

I don't want to get a work permit.

What are you talking about?

Create a catchy jingle and I'll do literally anything.

If you want to work before you're 18 at the textile mill, that's right next door.

And I'm literally like dancing over to the textile mill.

Mara into the textile mill.

Sewing buttons on little shirts.

I think I did get a work permit because I did, like, I grew up in a kind of a tourist area of North Carolina.

And like during the summer, like that is a, that economy runs on teens like teen labor is making it all making all the gears of industry turn down seaside towns run on teens they're scooping ice cream

they're saving kids from the ocean there's not a there's not a boat dock in this entire country that isn't run by a 16 year old pumping your gas yeah teens are pumping they're they're

teens are pumping they're uh renting ski dudes they're pumping they're scooping they're running there's there's a restaurant in my neighborhood it must be a family restaurant because every time i go in there there's like hosts and hostesses that look like they are 15 years old and i'm like what is like you i i my get my hope they all also look very similar so my hope is that they're all like cousins or something and this is just like hey our dad owns the restaurant and lets us you know work

there's something less nefarious about having your like son work at your restaurant than it is with just being like our restaurant hires 15 year olds because they're pretty dumb and we can get them to do whatever we want.

I went back to home to New England last week, and it's really true that every single like seaside tourist town, the entire economy is 15-year-olds in pastel t-shirts.

They're the mayor, they're the volunteer fire department, it's all teens, they're all kissing,

having the summer of their lives.

That was that was me every summer, except for the kissing part.

That was me every summer.

Yes, scooping ice cream by day, working at a coffee shop by afternoon, working at a restaurant by night, and working at it overnight as a DJ from midnight to six.

Holy shit.

What?

What were you playing?

I was playing hot adult contemporary tunes on 99.1 The Sound.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Did you have a DJ name?

No, I just went into my own

name.

You know, it's late night.

It's not like drive time.

It's not like PJ Scooter and the Gooch in the drive time, which would be great.

Which is great, broccoli cheddar supreme.

PJ Scooter and the Gooch.

I just found out that the Gooch is 15.

My world world is shaking.

He's got the voice of a 50-year-old chance.

When you were doing it, what kind of music are we talking about?

What year was this?

This was like in the early 2000s.

So it was like,

God,

a song that really sticks in my head is Good Night Moon by Chivoree.

Whoa.

Chivoree.

Wow, they had different music in North Carolina.

I guess so.

This is a song that I bet that you probably can't identify by name, but I bet if you hear it, it will unlock some long-dormant part of your memory.

Oh, I just listened to it.

It's they don't care about the young folk.

Yeah.

But I remember distinctly that, like, if you wanted to, this was still a pretty old school setup where like the ads were on eight tracks and every song that you played was not an MP3.

It was a CD that you loaded in, and it was all timed out to the second so that it would end on the hour.

So you could call the CBS News, put a phone down, and have the CBS News play through the phone onto the radio.

That's wow.

Whoa!

This was like such a relic, even at the time.

And but this meant that the timing was such that if you kind of went off script of what you were supposed to play, you had to find other songs that fit the time code so it would still land on the hour.

So I got really familiar with songs that were like between one and two minutes long because you'd have to always wedge those in at the top of the hour.

Here's another Ramon song.

I played

Girlfriend Girlfriend in a Coma by the Smiths probably a thousand times because it's so short.

It would always land right at the top of the hour.

And were you listening to the first two-thirds of Apples and Bananas by Rafi?

Yeah, there was also a cute live song that had a super, super long

instrumental coda.

And if you wanted to go on a bathroom break, you could always throw that on because it was like 15 minutes long and you could fade it out whenever, and no one who was listening would notice.

That's awesome.

Were you like making jokes and being funny?

Was your persona like goofs and gags?

You were distinctly discouraged from doing japes, jests, goofs, and gags.

No.

It was very much

like, hey, what's up?

It's the top of the hour.

And coming up next, we got Good Night Moon by Shivary,

followed by

David Gray with Babylon.

99.1, the sound.

There's a song I haven't thought about in 20-some years.

I like the idea of a guy listening to this at like three in the morning, calling up the radio station, being like, that guy guy you got spinning the records is too funny i'm trying to relax and listen to my music at 3 a.m he's too funny on there after david grace it up up there after david grace i can't get to sleep on it kind of the gales of laughter just blasting out of me

well we are going to take a quick little break because we've only gotten to the letter d but i have faith in us post break that we're going to be able to bring this home Aaron, can you give it to us as like a radio DJ doing like a station break?

Yeah.

Thank you so much for joining us.

I'm going to talk really slow so I get exactly to the time I have to hit.

See you after the break.

And I'll be there too.

Me, the gooch.

I can't wait to get my wait permit.

My name is Robert Smith, and here's the cure.

Doing disintegration.

Adult JPC.

Do you notice any come in?

Come in.

Come in.

Come in.

Come in.

Come in.

Do you notice anything different?

10 inches inches taller.

Thank you.

No.

Oh, no.

For her.

Oh, no.

We were just, oh, Adela and I were staring into each other's eyes and kind of feeling each other's arms.

No, Aaron, let's focus on you or whatever.

What's your thing or whatever?

I texted you, said, come over, I need attention.

Also, I got something new from my house.

Ooh, what'd you get?

Personality?

It's my new rug from Quince.

Oh, isn't it amazing?

Gorgeous.

Ooh, is that 100% Mongolian cashmere?

No, that's my sweater.

That's my sweater, you're feeling.

Oh, sorry, let me step off.

That would be insane for a rug.

And I bet it was so expensive, right?

Not wrong.

It was just $60.

There's classic denim I can get from Quince, real leather, wool outwear, and my new rug.

Look, I'm making a snow angel on my new rug.

I'll look in a minute.

I love Quince.

I'll look in a minute, Aaron.

I'm looking into JPC's eyes.

Now, JPC, I feel like you would look amazing in their suede trucker jacket.

It's perfect for layering, even though you got these, you know, 10-inch pythons now, you big biceps.

It just looks really casual, but put together.

And by partnering directly with ethical factories and top artisans, Quince cuts out the middleman to deliver premium quality at half the cost of similar brands.

And Adel, I gotta say, it looks like somebody cut the middle out of you and just left fucking chiseled abs.

What's going on?

You guys, you guys,

I'm not just obsessed with their rugs, but I also love their bedding.

I have their sheets, bath, cookware, travel accessories, and my wardrobe.

What are you guys doing?

Yeah, of course.

Why aren't you looking at me?

It's all amazing, Aaron.

Just calm down.

Layer up this fall with pieces that feel as good as they look.

Go to quince.com/slash riddle for free shipping on your order and 365-day returns.

Now available in Canada too.

That's q-u-i-n-ce-e.com/slash riddle.

Free shipping and 365-day returns.

Quince.com/slash riddle.

Oh no, JPC, they made it Canada 2.

Canada 2, the squeak will.

We got to go.

Bye, Aaron.

Bye.

Why is that bad?

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace.

And then, okay, so you make a box.

It's basically like a box, and you can put whatever you want in.

It's like a sandbox.

Okay.

Okay.

Isn't that pretty cool?

Yeah, I guess it's.

I'm covered in paper cuts.

I don't know.

I feel like this is not going to help me sort of like.

I'm covered in sand cuts.

It's not going to be like a good hub for people to find my business online.

Yeah, yeah.

And JPC, yeah, I guess sand is broken glass technically or pre-broken glass um how about squarespace have you heard of this you seen this you heard of this you seen this oh yeah that sounds way better yeah

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Every website is optimized to be indexed with meta descriptions, an auto-generated sitemap, and more.

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Gosh, this is like, my hands are more paper-cut than hands.

Yeah, and you can also get analytics.

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And

I actually don't know if we should say this.

I think I could actually get a lot of trouble for saying this.

I don't know if Squarespace has cleared me to say this, but I think it is the only website that you can use that won't give you a paper cut.

Hey, JBC, Aaron, what are you guys up to?

Whoa.

Why are you guys hanging out with Baby Addle?

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Yeah, perfect.

Squarespace is perfect, but I'm saying I told you guys to stop hanging out with baby addle.

Remember, Dr.

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We don't have time for lore.

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Is it just just the way he dresses?

Head of an adult, body of a baby.

Hey, hey, Adult, JPC, can I talk to you guys for a second?

I told you we do not have time to drop new lore in these.

Sowy.

Okay.

JPC, you know how not too long ago, Aaron was a car.

We don't really need to dwell on it.

Sometimes you're asking yourself weird things like, why didn't they teach us this in school?

I feel that way almost anytime I'm dealing with money.

Amen.

Famously, I'm very bad with money.

Famously, you're very good with money.

That's why I'm giving my kids, aka my cats, a head start on their money skills with Acorns Early.

Now, if I know your cats, they're going to take those acorns, put them outside your door, and then feed them to squirrels so they can watch squirrels going outside of your door.

But children, human children, they're very different.

They have different learning patterns than cats.

We're getting wildly off topic.

Air used to be a car.

That's why she's not here.

But that's been resolved at this point.

So we don't have to to worry about that.

Mostly been resolved.

Acorns Early is the smart debit card and money app that grows kids' money skills as they grow up.

This is something that I am going to be gifting to friends, that I myself hopefully one day will be gifting to a child and again to my cats.

Start with the in-app chores tracker.

Teach your kids or cats the value of a dollar.

Then let your kids set up their own savings goals and start building healthy money habits early.

And you could maybe be like, hey, let's set a goal that you save up to buy, I don't know, like a car one day.

Yes, because it is legal to buy a car.

Yes.

Even if it is or was a human at some point, because if it's now a car, it's fine.

And there's no laws against that.

Plus, kids can spend what they've earned with their very own customizable debit card, giving them that extra sense of independence.

Plus, with Acorn Early's spending limits and real-time spend notifications, parents always stay in control.

I have played around with the Acorns Early app.

So it's still a little early for my child, but I really love the features.

I really love how simplified it is.

I actually think that it can make learning about money fun and engaging.

And I think that those are very important things.

It's also really important to like demystify, you know, the money.

You know, money isn't something that's like,

you know, dirty or dangerous or something.

And it's just like a tool like anything else that we use to exist in society.

And I think that Acorns Early is a great way to introduce children to that.

Absolutely.

Hey, JPZ.

Do you notice, even though Erin's not a car anymore, that sometimes when she sneezes, it sounds like Vroom?

Yeah.

And sometimes when she,

not to be indelicate,

farts, it sounds like

passes gas.

It sounds like Hong Kong, Hong Kong, Hong Kong, Kong.

Yes.

And then I immediately want to get anyway.

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Aaron's not a car.

Take control of your money.

Ah, Aaron,

Barbear Aaron,

also JPC,

just Paladin Cohen.

Great.

Love.

Love it.

Love.

What is this vibe?

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Guys.

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Can't wait.

Okay, how would you know if you like this show?

Well, here, let me tell you some other shows that it's comparable to.

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The Adventure Zone, ever heard of it?

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That's Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

Tales from the Stinky Dragon.

It's a natural 10, which we're going on a scale of 1 to 10.

Yeah, it's

a natural 20.

No, but the scale is 1 to 10.

So

it's a great show.

That's it.

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Copyright McConnell's.

All right, let's jump back in.

You know, we're going to get through all of these.

I feel it.

More of Sweet Shannon's riddles.

And we were on R?

You know, you would think.

Yeah, I think we were on R.

We are on E.

E.

And JPC, think of that E word that you're going to say no matter what the riddle is.

E-grapes?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

As I went through a field of wheat, I picked up something good to eat.

It was white and had no bone.

And in 21 days, it walked alone.

Ear of corn.

No.

Sentient ear of corn.

Ear of corn, comma, sentient.

Oh, what's a an egg?

Yes, an egg.

Damn it.

Elderberry.

Now, Ross, you

beat JPC and I to the answer when we should have known the number one answer to riddles.

If you did a test of all riddles and what the answers are and you weighted them,

egg and wind and shadow are probably the top three.

Gloves.

Yes.

So we should have really,

we're really kicking ourselves.

It's really hard to think of a fruit that starts with Edo.

So like, that's what an insane task, a Herculean task that I had in front of it.

It's not a fruit, though.

But it didn't end up being a fruit.

No, but all of my guesses have been fruits.

Have they?

No.

Aaron.

It's not Herculean.

It's more Sisyphian because he had to roll up the grape up the

okay.

It runs around the pasture, yet it never moves.

Fence.

Yes.

Fig.

Nope.

And you know what?

I messed up.

And just let's just get through G really quick.

Four fingers and a thumb, yet flesh and blood.

I have none.

And you know what?

And I did rock right into that.

And I have read all these riddles.

And I just gave it away.

And I literally went,

oops, I fucked up.

Okay.

It's okay.

It's okay.

It's okay when Aaron fucks up.

The more you take away, the bigger I become.

What do you mean?

Hole.

Yes, a whole

hole.

Yes.

Ice scream.

We all scream for what?

Ice cream?

Yes.

That's a riddle.

No.

What jack has a head but no head?

Jack of hearts, jack of spades, jack of crabs.

What jack has a head but no heart or heart but no head?

What jack has a head but no head?

Has a head but no head.

So it kind of looks like a head, but it's not really a head.

Jack-o-lantern?

Jack-o-lantern?

Yes.

I'd like to see a scene.

Ross, you are a jack-o-lantern, and JPC, you just smoked a ton of marijuana, and you think your jack-o'-lantern is talking to you.

This is rather similar to our pervert and clock.

Well, let's see.

Let's not just jump to conclusions.

Let's not put the pervert before the horse.

We'll see which one of these things is the perv.

That's what Hay Riddle Riddle is.

The overarching meta-riddle of the episode is spot the perv.

It's always JPC.

It's always JPC.

Okay, Okay, I should get like a large lemonade.

A large lemonade.

Large lemonade.

What the heck?

Ooh, when ghouls and sprites and ghosts come out.

Oh, I should get a sprite.

I should get a large sprite.

Oh, thank you so much for that suggestion,

pumpkin?

Please,

call me Jack.

Oh my god.

Okay, no, no, no.

No, I'm just high.

My jack-o'-lantern is not talking to me.

I'm just high carving a jack-o'-lantern.

People shouldn't be doing this while I'm high.

Oh, no, I'm

very much alive.

I'm very much talking to you.

Why, this is the year when spooky ghouls and ghosts come out, when tombs give up their spirits, and the veil is thin between the lands of the dead and the land of the living.

Okay.

The times when

strange things

happen.

So

you were a dead pumpkin, or you're like, you were a dead guy, or

you're a ghost, or you're you inhabit a pumpkin, or

what's you ensoled me?

You carved me.

Okay.

You're scary?

Or what's scary?

Or am I shazed?

And I'm like so not following any of this.

I should get a big lemonade.

Look, I'm sorry.

Have I been too obtuse with my sort of poetic pumpkin ramblings?

The time of year, round Alhollow's Eve, is the time when uncanny things and occurrences can come to pass.

You carved a face on me,

and so I am now imbued with a pumpkiny soul, thanks to you and your knife, father.

So, my father, my father carved a pumpkin.

Jesus Christ, how high are you?

I think I'm like really high.

The pumpkin gets in the car and drives JPC's character to the hospital, fills out the paperwork for him, checks him in, gets him an IV.

You got to drink some water, man.

I think they'll give me like an IV here.

I think I'm not supposed to drink water because it interacts with the, hey, pumpkin, thank you so much for driving me.

I got too high.

I need to be here for a little while.

Thank you.

You know, take the car for the night.

Like, let that's we could call it even.

You can get up to your pumpkin antics.

Um, well, well, somebody, somebody has to be at the hospital to

greet you when you're discharged.

One of us has to be responsible, I guess, because it sure isn't going to be you.

We see a montage of the pumpkin helping JPC's character get sober.

They're roommates, they're kind of like the odd couple, but they learn to love each other.

We see them sort of be each other's best fans at each other's weddings.

What you need is to find a third space, a place where you can make friends friends and cultivate a hobby and an interest.

Live above the influence.

I don't know, pumpkin.

Do you think I'm ready?

I mean, is anyone ever ready?

Is this goodbye?

Am I moving on with my life?

Are you moving on with yours?

Am I ready to go out into the world again?

Cassie's so beautiful, and more than that, she supports you.

She makes you a better person.

I think if she knew that I was being serinoed to Bergiac by a pumpkin, maybe she wouldn't like me.

I mean, does she even like me?

Yes, I did write most of your love letters and your vows.

Does she even love me, or does she love the pumpkin inside of me, you know?

I think I have to tell her.

I think I just have to tell her.

I suppose honesty is the best policy, but but but but

don't be hasty.

Cassie, Cassie.

Hey, pumpkin, how you doing?

I love my sweet pumpkin.

I love how sweet you are to me.

Oh, yes, my angel.

Never will I fear your touch.

What the fuck, Cassie?

Who is this?

Jack?

You motherfucker punches the pumpkin, instantly destroys it.

Oh, no.

Uh-oh.

I hold him in my arms.

I knew the whole time, sort of spiritually, I knew it was the pumpkin the whole time.

It was a really old pumpkin.

It was pretty much falling apart anyway.

It was pretty rotten.

I was already pretty soft.

One punch really blew that whole thing up.

JPC, I was trying to call your character pumpkin in sort of the affection couple-y way.

I know.

It was funnier that you were fucking the pumpkin.

And the pumpkin was like, just trying to express his emotion through you.

Okay, great.

Hold on, let me really quick.

How do you fuck a pumpkin?

Oh, okay.

That's pretty straightforward.

Is it?

Is it?

Okay.

You could do traditional rhythms.

Is that where the rhythm is?

Here we go.

Yes.

We made it to Jay, and that's pretty good, but we're going to keep going.

Acts like a cat, looks like a cat, yet isn't a cat.

What is it?

A kitten.

Yes, a kitten.

Nice.

What am I?

My fleece is white as snow, and everywhere that Mary goes, I am sure to go.

Yeah, there you go.

See, we're

starting through these.

That's not a riddle.

Some of these aren't riddles.

Can you imagine Mary just kind of a fill-in-the-blank?

Can you imagine Mary doing doughnuts in a parking lot?

A lamb with wheels.

On her wheeled lamb.

You guys, my naivete, having completely forgotten what the show is like, I thought we were going to get through these in the first 10 minutes of the show and then get to real riddle.

But

I'm a fool.

I didn't realize how many perverts we needed to see in these scenes.

What is it that makes two people out of one?

Marriage?

No, but that's...

Melding.

Morphing.

Morphin.

Morphin.

It's morphin time.

What is it that makes two people out of one?

No, I think this is actually a pretty good riddle.

Wack.

Can you remind me what letter we're on?

M.

M.

Oh, that's why we were saying morphin.

What is it that makes two people out of one?

Out of one.

Oh, motherhood?

That's beautiful, but no.

So you're not.

So women aren't people until they're a mother, Ross?

Wow.

No, no, no, no, no.

What is it that makes two people out of one?

Two people out of one.

Think about it.

It's like in a riddle way.

Mitochondrial DNA.

No.

Well, it's not actually two people, but it kind of looks like two people.

Oh, is it that thing when you like cut up a paper and you fold it out and then it's like a bunch of people holding hands?

No, that's like a little garland, a little people garland.

No.

Yeah, a little people garland for Christmas time.

Christmas.

Christmas.

What is it that makes two people out of one and begins with an M?

Oh, movie theater sneaking children when they, when two kids kind of put on an overcoat?

No.

Is it Mongolia?

Because Genghis Khan, they say,

kind of culturally.

It makes one person look like two people to interrupt you.

Oh, a movie theater trench coat.

No,

it makes one.

I feel like we're sort of stuck in a movie theater trench coat.

I'm going to give it to you.

You guys had a perfect score before this, but I'm going to say it in three

medallion mustache.

Two.

A mustache.

One, a mirror.

Oh, my God.

That is good.

Fucker.

What always has one eye open?

And a needle?

Yes.

Oh, damn.

Cyclops.

Who is really sleepy cyclops?

Is the strange one who lives in the sea?

He has eight arms but no legs.

Yes, an octopus.

What has a thousand needles but does not sew?

Cyclops.

No.

We're getting lost in a corner.

A port.

A porcupine.

A porcupine.

I would like to see a scene.

JPC, you're going to be a porcupine parent, and you're being asked by your porcupine son, Adol, to sew a costume for him for Halloween.

Well, have fun out there.

Be responsible.

Don't eat too much candy and try to be back before 10.

Hey, Dad,

do you mind?

Never mind.

No, hey, buddy, come on.

You can.

You can tell me anything or ask me anything.

Is it about sex?

Yeah, kind of.

Sort of.

Okay.

Do you mind S E

W

upside down M Wing me a costume.

Wait a second.

How is this about sex?

Well, aren't our little guys sort of our sexual organs?

Okay.

Okay, you're not going out tonight.

Let me lock the little porcupine door.

What's going on?

You told me that each one of our quills is a special gift to be given only once.

Check our treat.

Oh, shit.

Oh, boy.

You're grounded.

So go to your room.

Oof.

And I'll be in there in a minute to talk and check.

Got to turn off all the lights and give it.

Hello, trick or treat.

Happy, happy Halloween.

Hi.

I'm just here with my daughter.

She's dressed like a witch, trick-or-treat.

Oh, my God, you're a porcupine.

Is it true that porcupines, all their needles have nerve endings in it?

Hey, man,

you're here with your kid, okay?

Come on.

Yeah, my kid.

Is the most sensitive part of the quill the tip?

Yeah.

Is it?

No.

That's not.

I don't.

Who told you that?

Are you going to that goddamn college where that man

teaches you the wrong lessons about animals?

I have half a mind to go down there myself and give him a quill.

Yeah, well, he taught me that reptiles have very hot blood.

I'm getting porcupine hot blood at the insinuation.

Porcupine bursts into flames.

Scene.

He was right.

He was right.

The professor is vindicated after all.

Should have been standing in that direct Halloween sunlight.

And, you know, I.

This is the Halloween episode.

In so many ways, yeah.

This is more.

Sorry, we celebrate Pervert Day, which is October 28th every year, of course.

There's Halloween's Eve, then Halloween, then, of course, Pervert Day.

I can't believe we have Ross Bryant on our Pervert episode.

He's so versatile as a comedian.

We could have done anything with Ross, and we chose Pervert.

Look, you didn't choose, this is all of our brains working together in the strange alchemy of improvisation.

And there's one rogue element, one X factor that has brought

pervisation to the

in the Benn diagram of

four of our sense of humor is pervert.

I'm pleased, but surprised.

I think it's fitting because next month in November, we're going to be doing a kid-friendly episode.

So in October, we should be doing an all-perverts eve episode.

And that's what we've got.

And that's fun.

And that's good.

And that's good.

Yeah, something for everyone.

So we're on cue?

Who is?

Yeah, this is not a riddle.

So

this is just not a riddle.

Who is next to a queen?

Oh, sorry, I said it.

Queen.

Queen.

Queen.

Well, Aaron, it might have been a riddle up until then.

Aaron, is it queen?

Aaron, is it queen?

I do want to see a scene.

Aaron, you fucked up that bad earlier in the episode.

I do want to see a scene.

You said glove earlier, too.

You're two for 26.

I'm giving a scene.

Oh, I scared my dog.

I'm sorry.

Queen, though.

I'm sorry.

You said you want to see a queen?

Yes, I'd like to see a scene.

Aaron, you live in a town where they had a contest to make somebody queen for a day, and you have won that contest, and you are sort of

having your day where you get to sort of have the run of the town.

All right, what is it next then?

More me for me, I suppose.

What's those things?

What's those things that they, the man that comes in to make me laugh?

What's this called?

Excuse me.

You just need to sit quietly in the cell until you're ready to be executed.

What's it called?

Just sit quietly in the cell until you're ready to be executed.

Never has the Queen for a Day program been this horrible thing.

I did so good.

I did so good.

I put several good citizens to death.

So many people died.

I want a gesture to make me laugh.

I'm Queen for the Day.

You've been deposed.

I'm telling you, ma'am, you've been deposed.

You've been deposed.

I'm queen for the day, and I say you get booped on the nose, and then your head gets cut off.

Stop.

I'm the jailer.

Stop booping me on the nose.

Ma'am, I'm committing regicide today, okay?

This is not how I envisioned my day going.

This is you.

This is not how I envisioned my day going.

That's how you sound to me.

That's not how I sound.

That's not how I sound.

That's a gross oversimplification.

Put me back on that throne, and I'll do a good job.

I'll do better than anyone else.

What would you do?

If I put you back on that throne, what would you do today?

Yes.

no liberty no that's how you started the day a pot a chicken in every pot and a car in every garage

that's not we cut to um her uh back in the throne in front of a an audience um um queen ma'am your highness what can i do you for then um We brought a school.

There's a local school that's here.

They thought it would be fun.

You came out and you said, let them eat ass.

Yeah.

Now, I can't make that right.

It's my fun.

It's my catchphrase then.

Can you go back out there, pull yourself together, and please pull yourself together.

Stop drinking mead.

Give them sort of a fun sort of character.

Give me a kids.

All right, everyone.

Gather around.

Here's the deal.

I think.

Give up.

We can't unhear what you said, Your Majesty.

No, no.

We can't unthink it.

Now it's all I can think about.

Kids, listen, listen, listen.

Let me hold on.

Here's the thing.

We told you we were hungry, that we had no bread to eat, and then you said...

No, let's not quote what I said.

Let's not paint me into a corner here for being that kind of bad.

Queen, Queen, can I have a question?

Why are you...

Why do you have a thick eyeshadow?

You're wearing a bandana and a tricornered hat, and you have long hair with like coins sewed into it.

Whoa, whoa, what about all that?

It's just a very

book for a queen.

I just wanted to know what.

It's cosplay.

I'm gonna do whatever I want, queen for the day.

Sort of a Jack Sparrow.

I won the contest.

Sort of Keith Richards energy.

Here's the thing, though.

Here's the thing about this.

I wrote the best essay in the entire land.

Alright?

There was an essay contest, and I said I'll be queen for the day.

And off with all your heads.

One, two, three, this head.

Our head, his head.

Don't point at the chunk, please.

You're it just don't point it to chest.

Our head, this head, this head.

All the heads.

Slice, slice, slice, slice, slice.

Heads on sticks.

You are, without a doubt, the worst queen I have ever seen.

Well, thank you.

We cut to the very next morning, and Aaron, you wake up hungover in bed.

Oh my god, what did I do?

No, I'm probably fine.

This is just classic anxiety.

Let me just.

No, my lovely, you actually had a really wild night with me, my lovely.

And who's this?

Is this Keith Richards?

See,

can't you tell?

Can't you tell?

You have to imagine Keith Richards' wife once a day is saying, and now who's this?

Is this

now who's this?

Now who's this?

Now who's this?

What is it that runs in and out of town?

It seems like the idea of our queen for a day in the 24-hour period getting overthrown

for being a tyrant.

Yeah, we pick up with you in jail, Erin.

Yeah,

queen yeah

sorry well i got a lot done in a very little amount of time that's true that's fine you guys we're gonna finish this because i believe in us did a whole marie antoinette arc in 20

just like sophia coppola yeah yeah um we're on

s

what is it s oh no r we're on r sorry what is it that runs in and out of town all day and night river um nope close River's good.

Yeah, there's a song that is

those two things.

It runs in and out of railroad.

No, close, so so close.

It's a road or the road.

It's a road, yes, a road.

What has no feet or hands or wings?

Yet climbs to the sky.

Stumpy.

Nope.

Well, my name is the beer that climbs to the sky.

Nope.

What has no feet or hands or wings?

Yet climbs to the sky.

Rapid.

Sun.

Nope.

You can kind of see it from far away.

It's S.

Sears Tower.

No.

What has no feet or climbs to the sky?

And it's not.

Skyscraper?

Skyscraper.

No, there's like a reason why it climbs to the sky.

And it's not permanent.

Sunrise.

Sunset.

No, I like that.

Stars.

But there's a reason, like, there's something that happens

that's changing.

Yes, smoke.

Smoke.

Fantastic.

Smoke.

Okay, great.

Okay.

Yeah, buddy.

Snitchy babies, baby.

Sweetest

T through Z.

We're in a home stretcher.

This is it.

This is it.

We're right there.

Oh, this one is a.

This is the worst riddle we've ever had.

Oh, no.

And Shannon, this is not a judgment on you.

I'm just saying this is the worst.

This is the worst riddle we've ever had.

And this is not an accusation against the person who sent it in.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Because they've

because I will say, I think what the, what is it that makes two people out of one a mirror is a fantastic riddle.

That's very good.

So this next one, I will say, I think this is my least favorite we've ever had.

And I've screamed on the top of my lungs.

I can't accidentally say the answer.

There's so much preamble there.

I think she's going to

answer locked in Laura.

Just because it is 2 a.m.

here in London.

2 a.m.

Is the answer 2 a.m.?

No, it's 8.05.

Aaron, should we do U through Z and come back to T?

Double back.

What pets make stirring music?

What was the answer, Aaron?

No, don't say this.

JBC, I'm so easily tipped over right now.

Don't do this to me.

I'm fragile.

Turtle?

Turtle doves.

This is T?

Yeah.

Yeah, it's a T.

It's an instrument.

Is that your hand?

Timpany.

No.

What pets make stirring music?

Trumpettes.

Yeah.

Yes, trumpets.

Trumpettes.

You love it?

Do you love it?

Say you love it.

Tell me you love it.

Tell me you love it.

What goes up when rain falls?

Umbrella.

Smoke.

An umbrella.

Roses.

I'll tell you.

Any of you grow up in a house that does Christmas crackers?

Do you know what I'm talking about?

No, but I, but I went to England to study abroad, and my mind was blown that they were like ubiquitous.

Like everyone, it's like a huge deal.

Yeah.

They're like tubular.

They're tubular log or alligator shaped.

And

you kind of pinch both ends, and there's like a little firecracker inside, a little puff of like gunpowder.

And inside, there's like, you know, little trinkets and riddles and jokes.

And the last few of these have been very Christmas cracker coders.

Wow.

And do you wear the little paper crown hats?

Oh, yeah.

And you put the little paper crown hats.

My mom is a super anglophile and only in the last like 10 years has made this, has like crowbarred this into being a family tradition that we never had growing up.

That's funny.

She's trying to gaslight you into thinking that you were doing it at five.

Like, remember when we were growing up?

She's like photoshopping

paper crowns into our old family photos.

I was in Australia for a couple Christmases and they do it too, but I'm sure it's some mutated version of the English one

because everything is just a slight bit right of center of the English version one in Australia.

Roses are red, violets are blue, and I'm forever saying, I love you.

What am I then?

And it's the

Valentine?

Yeah, it's Valentine.

What shouts along the street and hasn't any lungs?

It tugs at leaves and hurls them

old and young.

The wind.

Speaking of Chicago, the wind.

I'd I'd like to see a scene.

Ross, you are the Chicago wind,

and you are really trying to knock down Adle and JPC, who are walking down the street together.

So

I was saying to Charlie, I said, you got to try.

You got to go to

Balinia, and you got to try.

They have a wine pairing that would just knock you.

My hat, my hat, my hat.

Oh, my God.

Hey, wait.

Where do you think you're going here, you jagoffs?

You think you can just walk around the corner of the building at State and Clark and not get your hats blown out there, bud?

Nice try there, Jagoff.

Whoa, what's up?

I'm coming in off the lake at 50 miles an hour, dickhead.

Oh, we got a smart-ass lake effect over here.

Listen, listen, I am.

That's right.

If I'm blown in from the west, that's just a breeze.

This is lake effect, buddy.

I'm going right down your freaking collar.

Those were brand new 959 Cubs Hats Limited Edition.

You owe us $100, Wind.

Oh, listen to Danny Northside over here.

Go, Sax.

I'm blowing right on your nards for that one, pal.

Oh, oh, cold nards, cold nards.

Oh, that's it.

I feel like a damn alligator.

Oh, that's shittier than a slice of Lumal Nadis.

Listen, hey, Wynn, listen, listen.

Hey, maybe there's something we give you that makes you sort of, you know, blow away, bother somebody.

You're trying to bargain with me?

You're trying to bargain from a...

This ain't a clock pervert negotiation here, pal.

The wind can't be bought, okay, bud?

I'm just saying there's probably.

I'm not the 35th ward alderman, okay?

It can't be bought.

Hey, that's my second cousin, okay?

Watch your mouth.

Yeah, I'll bet it is.

Hey, shake the hand of Danny Jworski next time you're out there, okay?

You know Jworski?

Yeah, he's probably busy piping a house right now, but.

Oh, shit.

Wind, I didn't know you were Polish.

Hey, look,

we got more to come.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Cuban.

Hey,

guys.

You guys are all right.

Yay!

Chicago, what do you say?

He's a socks win, but all the studies that come.

We're all the same that here.

Yeah, of course, right at the end.

Everything was leading to that.

Do you think Second City has ever done that scene where the Chicago wind is like, that's gotta be.

Yeah, George Went wrote that scene in like 1974.

That became cheers, Aaron.

Are you Canadian?

That's amazing.

All right, we're gonna quickly so quick.

So, so, so fast.

What shouts along the street and hasn't any lungs?

It tugs at leaves.

Yes.

Didn't even finish it.

Through me, you see me

through solitude.

X-ray.

Yes.

Okay.

What am I?

Zebra.

I'm found.

Yellow.

No, it's Y where I'm Y.

No, what am I?

I'm found in socks and scarves and mittens.

I'm found in paws and playful kittens.

Yes, yarn.

Zebra.

Xylophone.

No.

Saws sing it.

We snore it.

Bees drone it.

Yes.

That's it.

We did it.

We did it.

I don't think I would have ever guessed that the Z riddle answer was going to be z.

Yeah, and so now don't you feel foolish.

It's a series of Z's.

A series of Z's.

That's great.

Saws sing it, we snore it, bees drone it.

Z's.

Ross.

These were very poetical riddles.

Hats off to Shannon.

Yes.

Thank you so much, Shannon, for these riddles.

Ross, thank you so much for joining us today.

An honor to have you here.

Anything to plug or promote?

Lordy.

My pleasure, my pleasure to be here.

Yeah, I got something to promote.

I'm actually premiering a new podcast soon

called Push the Roll with Ross Bryant.

It's a tabletop role-playing game actual play podcast where friends of mine and I play the game Call of Cthulhu.

We have special guests come in.

But perhaps members of this very podcast will join us shortly.

But

the premise is that our Patreon subscribers submit titles that we use to inspire brand new scenarios.

So these sort of horror tales that we tell can take place anywhere, anywhen.

It's all riffed out on the fly.

And we've recorded a bunch of them.

They've been very funny and creepy.

So if that sort of like horror comedy vibe is something you're into, check out Push the Roll.

Who are some of the people in the cast who are

all the time?

Let's see.

We've got very fun folks from the world of

actual play, like Josephine McAdam,

and like Becca Scott, and Paula Deming, and people from more actorly side of things, like Matthew Lillard and Abu Bakar Salim, and lots of people from the world of improv, like Matt Young from Hello from the Magic Tavern.

Tomorrow we'll be recording with Adel.

Yes.

And other folks, yeah, like Vic McKillis and Brennan Lee Mulligan and

all kinds of fun folks.

Cool.

That's amazing.

Yeah, definitely check that out.

Adle JPC, anything else to add or promote?

I would suggest go to wherever you can watch videos, maybe TikTok, your TikToks or your Instagrams.

And there's a video, Ross, that killed me, which is, I think think it's you on Game Changer doing a Tom.

It's the prompt is like Tom Waits.

I forget what the full prompt is.

Yeah, that's that.

The premise of that episode is that they have like a big karaoke book with real artists and fake song titles, and you can pick the artist, and then you have to improvise the fake song in the style of that artist.

And randomly, they had Tom Waits in there.

Not one that I feel like the kids are clamoring for

impressions of, but I

Tom Waits is dear to me.

So I had to take a swing.

But it's a killer Tom Waits impression.

So please check that out.

JPC, anything to plug up for?

Oh, this Sunday we are going to be in Atlanta.

Maybe our tickets still available.

So if you haven't, if there are tickets still available, heyvertovertal.com/slash live is where you get them.

And then next Tuesday, Nashville, and then next Friday, Denver.

So we would love to see you in Atlanta, Nashville, and Denver.

And those are coming up very very soon.

Also, make sure that you check out Gumshoes and Dragons.

I believe right now our fifth episode just dropped.

So you can check that out anywhere you find podcasts.

Erin, anything to plug?

Just if you get a chance to watch Ross do Improvise Shakespeare, before I moved to Chicago, I saw videos of you doing it, Ross, and it was like blew my mind.

And I've seen you do it live a number of times, and it will.

blow your mind.

I'll never get tired of it.

It is, it's like a magic trick.

So if you get a chance to see improvise Shakespeare, I know it's in Chicago a lot.

And then in LA, you guys do, like you and Greg Hess and Joey and everybody.

Joey and Blaine.

Yeah.

Yeah, we perform monthly at the Largo in LA.

And

we have a lot of dates on the road coming up soon, too.

So if you're in, I don't know when this comes out, but

October 1st.

Okay, cool.

So we'll be coming down to the south.

So in the middle of October, you can check us out in Atlanta and then up through Tennessee, Chattanooga and Nashville.

So please come check us out.

That's very, very kind of you to say that.

Yeah, don't miss miss out on it.

You will, it's like some of the best comedy I've ever seen.

It's very consistent.

So impress your friends.

I mean,

it's a very smart highbrow show, but we definitely still do play pervert pumpkins.

Oh, yeah.

It's deeply silly.

It's mostly pervert.

Sorry, I should mention it's mostly perverts.

Perverts all the way down.

It's mostly, it's perves only.

Okay, amazing.

And then, oh, I say Jupiter.

I'm the one who gets us out of the show.

I forgot that I have the pull cord.

Sorry, guys.

Bye.

Bye.

Sorry,

Hey there, Rids and Courts.

If you like that, you're going to love this week's Patreon.

We're doing more listener-submitted listener-submitted hot takes, and that's all that happens.

Nothing weird.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash Hayward of Virtual by joining the Clue Crew for $5 a month or start your seven-day free trial or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those ad-free episodes.

See you there.

I'm blowing right on your nards for that one, pal.

That was a hit gum podcast.

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