*UNLOCKED* Clue Crew #301: Merry Christmas to Mall and to Mall a Good Night!

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Hello, sir. Welcome to Victoria's Secret.

Can I help you doing some last-minute shopping? Yeah, uh, sorry, yeah. Uh

I I yeah, um, you I'm sorry, do you do you approach everybody who walks in, or do I have a vibe? I'm just asking'cause, you know, you you walk

you walked right up to me and said hello, sir. Did you sure? Well, it's um it's a week before Christmas and a lot of men uh come in to do some very last-minute shopping.

And of course, when men do shopping, it's typically um something to sort of uh

you know feed into their ego or their wants, so they buy a woman lingerie.

Oh,

oh, okay. Great.
No, yeah.

I actually didn't have any idea. So is that, and that's, that's a good gift, lingerie?

Yeah, I mean,

it can be.

Can be. And, sir, you can calm down.
Those are just mannequins.

Okay, I'm sorry.

I see you

first eyeballing me, and I'm like, you know. I see you getting very nervous.
Those aren't real women. Those are mannequins.
Okay. Well, no, yeah, sure.

It's just a lot of people looking at me. You know, you walk into a place and there's a lot of people looking at you.

So I do have a, we just kind of have a cheat sheet. Just in December, we here at VS, we try, that's short for Victoria's Secret, we try and help people out.

So I do have a little card here that will help you out. Three words to describe your wife.
Oh, I am.

Her girlfriend? I'm not. Yeah, I'm not married.
Okay, three words to describe your girlfriend. I'm not currently...

i'm not currently seeing anyone okay three words to describe the recipient of this gift okay um private okay

anonymous it's you you're gonna wear it

well

sorry that's on the card that's the next the next thing is if i say two of my three words

It's you, you're gonna wear it, question mark. Is that a yes or no? Should I tick that off? Yes, I'm gonna wear it.
Okay. Obviously, I'm gonna wear it.
No judgment here? Exactly.

Okay. And what a man with no wedding ring, but a $3,000 suit comes into a Victoria secret five days before Christmas.
I'm obviously picking on stuff for being aware. Yeah, I see the tag on the suit.

It has

the little tag here that says $3,000, and then there's a Ross dress-relist sticker over it that says $89.99.

I think they inflate those prices sometimes. I still think it's a $3,000 suit just because I got a good deal doesn't make it not a $3,000 suit.
Wait, hey, hey, hey. Oh, wait.
You can't be in here.

Sorry, this guy keeps pretending he works here. Get out of here, man.

Get out of here. Pervert.
Grabs mannequins. You'll never catch us.
Wait a second. I'm so sorry about that.
That man was very helpful.

What?

What is it that he does? Maybe just give him a shot. No, we keep trying to hire him.
You're obviously short-staffed.

Slinks back within earshot. No, hey, hey.

You'll never catch me. He would be a great employee, but he's doing weird stuff to the mannequins.
It seems like he'd work for mannequins. Maybe pay him.
Maybe pay him in mannequins.

Sounds like a great deal. All right, I'll run it by my manager.
Pumping mannequins full of

soup. Don't, don't, don't, don't, don't.

You don't need to run it by your manager because you just ran it by the CEO. of Victoria's Secret.

Secret Shopper, Secret Shopper, Secret Shopper, Secret Shopper. Undercover boss.
Secret shopper, secret shopper. Not undercover boss.
It is secret shopper. Undercover boss, secret shopper.
No.

Who's that undercover boss first? No. Does anyone know? Sorry, I'm listening to that show.
I'm with Undercover Boss.

I'm the cameraman and producer, and that man who you chased out of the store was the CCEO.

Oh, it reminded me one time what that stands for: CCEO.

You'll never catch me.

I just want to, I know this week is high stress, so I just want to run through some of our policies again, just as a refresher.

When you spray the perfume, make sure you're getting consent from the customer and make sure you're not spraying in their ears, mouth, eyes, any any sort of hole or orifice.

Ken, can you make eye contact with me right now? Sorry, this is...

I'm writing this down.

Okay, because this is...

I'm not texting. I just...
I take notes on my phone. Okay, but

we're having this meeting because of what happened last night. So just make sure you're paying attention.

I think the problem is...

I'm writing down all the words, but I don't

have the formal definitions of the words in front of me. So I'm like looking up all the words later, and then I'm like trying to like put them into my notes, but I'm like not getting every even word.

So it's,

I think you're, you're not, I think you're overthinking this. I think you need to breathe.
Okay. What did I just say? What did I just say? Whisper consent into their ears.
Nope. Spray the mouth.
No.

You wrote it down.

Sorry, can we keep going with it? I feel like a lot of our meetings get sort of

stymied by Ken's ineptitude. And Lisa, I know.
And I know.

Tell Lisa to stop using words they can't spell. You don't need to write down stuff that Lisa says.
Lisa, you're an exemplary,

exemplary?

You're an incredible employee, Lisa, okay? That's not like a smaller word. Exemplary and incredible are like the same size word.
Lisa, you have been doing great.

You obviously have the highest commission rate this season. You're going to, your next paycheck is going to be huge, and I'm really, really happy for you.

And I'm so sure you have to sit through these meetings, but technically everyone has to be there. Ken, Ken, Ken, I can see you playing Candy Crush on your phone.

I thought we were on a break from the meeting. Yeah, we are not on a break from the meeting.
You were talking directly to Lisa. It felt like a one-on-one.
No, it's not a one-on-one.

You work at the perfume counter at Macy's.

That's a baseline we can all agree on. Could I get moved? Could we just, because it's like, I know I'm not getting this.
I know I'm not doing it right. I know Lisa's so much better than me.

Could I just get moved to like a different desk even? You've been moved too many times.

This is sort of our last hope for you here Ken can I do toilets I do toilets there is no toilet department at Macy's and then Macy's office that you think there's a bathroom here are you trying to sell people things in the bathroom Ken I would if that's something I could do because I feel like if that's maybe like the best place for me Ken you said you were passionate about fragrances When we move you to this counter.

Which is why I think the bathroom is kind of like the ideal place for me. No, what happened to that passion? You said, I love perfume.
And we're just not.

I just don't know. Like, Lisa's obviously so good at it, and I just don't know that I'll ever be there.
It's like so intimidating to work with Lisa because Lisa's so good at it.

Well, Lisa, how about you? I'll be a customer, and we can give Ken a demonstration of what you do and how you

really classily sell to a customer. Okay.
Okay, perfect.

Hi, ma'am. How's your day going today? Pretty good.
I'm really behind on all my gift buying.

Don't know what to get my mother-in-law. Well, I'm sure your mother-in-law deserves the perfect gift, but you know what? You deserve something too.
Have you ever-Ken, are you eating a Subway sandwich?

That's the loudest anyone's ever unwrapped a sandwich. I thought this was a one-on-one.
No, you're supposed to be paying attention. That bread sounds stale.

Subway bread shouldn't crunch. It's from a couple days ago.
It's tuna.

No, the tuna's fresh, but I asked them if I can get a couple days ago bread so I can get a couple bucks off. Oh, Ken.

My commissions aren't going well at work, so I have to get a couple days ago bread. Okay, where were we? Pay attention.
Okay. Okay.

Go ahead. Are you familiar with

Conleko's indulgence? May I spray in front of you? I've never heard of that. Yeah, I'll smell that.
May I spray in front of you? I need a verbal yes or no. You may.
Yes. Great.

You can't just say, I'll smell that.

Lisa.

What?

This is how I am with customers. Okay, well then if it works, it works.
Okay. I lean into my intimidation.
I'm 6'7.

I know, and Lisa, I know.

Okay, and walk through?

Wow, that's quite delightful. I'll take two bottles.

Just two?

What's that going to get you three bottles?

Four bottles? Ten. You know what? You know what? It's not even worth it.
Ten?

Please, I'll take 12. I'll take fucking time.
I'll take 12 bottles.

You'll take all we have in stock. I'll take all you have in stock.

Step on your fucking neck.

And seams. And do you see how well that went? She just sold out our entire stock.
I think so. I mean, I just don't.

I guess. Could I try?

Yeah, try to sell me this bottle of LaFume Perfume. It's one of our best

sellers, okay?

And then you said... Don't, no, don't drink it.
What are you doing? What are you doing? Taste it? I'm tasting.

No, no, no. You said I was supposed to put it in my mouth? No, I said don't spray it in the customer's mouth.
Okay, okay, okay.

Okay. Laffoon perfume.
Excuse me, ma'am. Excuse me, ma'am.
Okay. Sell it to me, Ken.
Okay. And go.

Excuse me, ma'am. Can I talk to you in the bathroom? I'm Lisa.

Excuse me, Lisa. Can I talk to you in the bathroom? No, no.
Ken, start over. Talk to me.

Okay. Okay.

Excuse me, ma'am. Can I talk to you in the bathroom?

Uh, no. Um, I'm just trying to shop for my mother-in-law.
I'm not sure what to get her. I work here.
I sell perfume.

Oh, great. I was actually considering getting my mother-in-law some perfume.
Anything to recommend? I'm actually only supposed to talk to you in the bathroom.

Ken.

Time out. Time out.
Ken. Time out.
Hold up. Excuse me, ma'am.
Pardon me for. Pardon.
Pardon me for one moment.

Ken, stop trying to get people in the bathroom. It's scary.
Could we start in the bathroom? Because if I can start in the bathroom, I feel like I'm really going to be in my element.

Why do you feel way more comfortable in the bathroom? I feel like I could be myself in there. Like, there's no judgments in there.

Like, everyone out here is just like, everyone wants me to be this fancy guy, this, like, tight, vest, fancy guy. But, like, in the bathroom, it's like zero inhibitions.

I can't. I quit.
I can't do this anymore. No, Lisa, please.

You're the only reason why this counter is still successful. If Vesa goes, I go.
No, oh, my God.

The fact that we have to give a job to the dumbest son of Charles Macy, this guy's an idiot.

Lisa, I get it, but please, it's the week before Christmas.

He's googling idiot, and he spelled it wrong.

Hello there, little girl. What's your name? I'm Santa.
Um

my name's Addie. Oh, Addie.
How do you spell that?

A-D-D-Y?

Is that a question or a statement? Kidding.

I just saw you and another Santa switch out. Oh, that doesn't sound right.
How could Santa switch out when there's only one of me, to be sure? Yeah, I thought so, but I saw you and a Santa switch out.

You guys seem to be sharing a beard. beard.
Hmm. No, that's not a good thing.
And then you kind of yelled. The other Santa kind of yelled at you

because you got one of you is smoking while you're wearing the beard and the other one hates the smell of cigarette smoke. Oh, excuse me for one second.
Hey, we've got a problem here.

Send send the elves. Elves over.
We got a code 2-4. We got a code 2-4.
Listen, Addie. And I just feel like Santa wouldn't smoke cigarettes, and there wouldn't be two Santas.

It seemed like you two were maybe brothers who didn't get along. All right, your Christmas turn is over.
Now you're born. Out, my wrist.

Out!

Bye, honey.

What's hello? What's your name, little boy? My name is Jarnathan.

Jarnathon?

Like, is that like a.

That's a question. Is that like a Skyrizzy? What is I saw you yelling at another Santa in the parking lot?

And it seems like you drove together because it seemed like he drove and you both got out of the car and then you were like pulling on each other's outfits because like there's only one outfit and you both

didn't have enough clothes on and you were trying to figure out who get to wear the clothes listen jardians there's only one santa and he doesn't drive he puts a finger to his nose and gives a wink and suddenly he appears anywhere sort of like he wasn't driving well he was He kind of hit a lot of cars in the parking lot.

My mom said he almost hit our car, but it's okay because we have a camera. So if he had hit our car, we wouldn't have had to.
The insurance claim would have sorted itself out.

Oh, dash cams are a real problem these days. That's why Santa doesn't give them.
What do you want for Christmas, little boy?

Well, I guess I kind of want to know what was going on with you and that other Santa and why. How did you get in the car without having enough clothes on?

Because it's like, were you coming from somewhere where you were naked? Or like, what, what was, what's the exact relationship between you and that other Santa?

Okay, let me let you in on a little secret. Have you ever seen the movie Prestige with Christian Bale? I'm six.
Okay, we got a problem here. We got a code two four.

Security, we got a code two four elves. Hey, we're the elves, and we're here to take you away

from your parents. You'll never see them again.
Bye, Jack.

Bye, Georgie Diden.

Oh, oh, hello there. What's your name? Kimberly.
Kimberly, did you just wake up? Yeah, I napped and trying to meet Santa. Yes, and you have.
You have met Santa. Kimberly, what a delightful young lady.

What can I get for you this year? I want to know why I saw two Santa's fist fighting in the parking lot earlier.

My dad said he saw two Santas

really get into it last night at the casino.

Well,

that didn't happen, but if it did,

maybe it's because we all agreed that you stay on 14.

Because if you have a strategy, then you can clean the house out. Does that make sense? Clean out the house? Bring the house down?

But if someone hits on 14 and suddenly the strategy is out the fucking window, then that screws everyone at the table.

Is that why we're paying out the ass for photos with Santa? You're charging double now because you lost all your money at the casino? No, I'm adjusting for the holiday inspiration.

Do you want a photo or not? Because it's already been taken.

Here it is. Do you want to buy this? No.

Well, fuck. Okay, then.

I guess I'll try and find someone who looks just like you.

What was your name again, Sleeps? Hey, Sleeps, what was your name? Kimberly. Kimberly, can I give you some advice? Okay, Santa.
Okay.

You should run away from home. Your dad sucks.
Sounds like he sucks. I mean, he won pretty big at the casino casino last night.
Elves, we got too far. I got a too far.
Elves too far.

It's time for you to go away. We are the elves.
It's Christmas!

Excuse me, Santa. Excuse me, Santa.
Oh, hello there. What's your name? What? My name is Billy.
Oh, Billy, you are so tiny. What? Come on, I'm small for my age.
Yes.

Billy, what's going on? What can I get you for Christmas?

You can... I could ask you for a Christmas present and

you'd try your hardest to get me that Christmas present. Oh, of course.
You just mention anything that could be found here in the Milwaukee Greater Mall. And I'm guessing...

My mom is a public defender, and she says she has this client whose name is Kenny Bostwick, who is a fall Santa. And she was defending him in court the other week, and he

kept coming to court intoxicated and inebriated and the judge said that he has he's on his second strike and if he gets three strikes it's ten years

oh

so i guess for christmas i would

kind of like kenny bastowick wherever he is to

get his life together and you know yeah easy for you to say did you know that

go ahead maybe have a merry christmas may he have a merry christmas interesting did you know that alcohol can sometimes be used as medicine maybe the pain of everyday life is so severe that the only way to get through it is to dull your mind and your senses daily

because the unforgiving unrelentless march of time and the dead-end job you found yourself in And the wife that ran off with a different mall Santa, that all that compounds and adds up and everyone's going through something.

I'm not saying that. I'm not saying everyone's not going through something, okay? But some of us are going through something so insane.
Duplos. That we can, you want diplos, what? Duplos, just duplos.

Two pillows? What do you say? No, duplos. It's like Legos, but they're like kind of bigger for younger kids.
Just say big Legos and get off my fucking lap. And tell your mom.
Hey.

Tell your mom, I'm not paying the bills. She's a public defender.
She can stop sending me bills. She's a public defender.
Whatever she's sending me in the mail, it can stop, okay? Court summons.

She's a court summons.

Hey, welcome to Sabaro. What can I get you?

Let's see here. Let's see.
Let's see. Do you have like a spicy buffalo chicken kind of thing?

No. Sorry.
And the menu is out of date. It's just all we have is like Chris.

Christmas pizza. Oh, it's

been online for like 45 minutes. Just pick.
Come on. I know.
I just don't. Hey, it's like 14 bucks a slice.
I want to get this right. Is it like red crust or what's a Christmas pizza?

Yes, Christmas pizza. So it's like it's red and green.
It's basically like red and green pizza. Okay, hey, Bev.
It's like red and green pizza. It's like maybe pesto and marinara.

Is it pesto and marinara? Oh, okay. Hey, Bev, Bev.
Hey, we are both at the mall at the same time, but we are not here together, okay?

We are not here together. Okay, so I'm not buying your slice.

Um, no, you should buy. That's the very least you could do.
Is buy buying? Two slice of Christmas pizza? No.

One slice, Christmas. I want pepperoni.
It's yeah, so the signs out of date for the holidays. It's only all we have left is Christmas pizza.
What is Christmas pizza?

It's like red and green pizza. Yeah, what's the green? What's the green? So it's like, it's like, you know, like how like pizza has like shredded cheese? Yes.
It's like shredded lettuce.

That sounds horrible.

It's cooked. It's cooked.
It's not cold. What? It's hot.

Panda Express?

Um, let's see. No, I wanted a pepperoni from Sabaro Pizza, and I guess I don't really want to have to negotiate anymore or sort of compromise anymore after you cheated on me.
With our neighbor.

So I guess we're gonna wait in this line and be in this line. And then you're also probably going to buy me a Wetzel's pretzel later.
And that's just what I'm thinking is going to happen.

Reggie, let me ask you something, Reggie. Is hand stuff cheating? Say no.
Say no. Say no.
Say no.

Because he did everything except hand stuff because he thought that hand stuff was the only thing that was cheating. He thought everything else was okay.

And you told him hand stuff is cheating. Yeah, I said hand stuff is cheating, and he thought that meant the only thing that is cheating is hand stuff.

Dude, that's misleading because I can see how you could say hand stuff is. Reggie, you're joking.
Reggie, go back to the Christmas pizza. I'm not on his side.

I can just say pepperoni and cheese on a fucking pizza for me, okay? Can I be honest?

I don't like to make any of that other pizza. I like to make Reggie's Christmas pizza.
That's all I made today. Yeah, but can you make me a pepperoni pizza, please? Because...

Man, I can, but like, I think Reggie's pizza, Christmas pizza is good, and I think more people should be trying it. Reggie, Reggie, can I tell you something? No one likes hand stuff.
Okay?

Hand stuff is for people who haven't really had sex yet and are in their parents' basement and they're just trying stuff out. Hand stuff as a grown-up sort of goes out the window.
Why?

So it's not some sort of heroic feat. Did he ask about hand stuff? Yes, he said, hey, babe.
He went knock, knock, I was in my office. And he went, hey, babe, is hand stuff cheating?

And I went, yes, of course, hand stuff is cheating. Oh, interesting.
Now sitting in the pantry is your office. Interesting.

I'm back on her side because I thought you, ma'am, have brought up to him that hand stuff is cheating and had not specified anything else.

But if he asked about it and you just responded to it, I'm back on your side. Thank you, Reggie.
Two Reggie's, two Reggie's Christian? No, nobody wants Reggie's fucking lettuce.

I think if people tried it, they would like it. After he cheated, he came back into the house and said, but I didn't do hand stuff and that was so hard to not do hand stuff.

And I went, no, no, it's not. very easy to not do hand stuff well

well Reggie

come on man was he didn't use his hands at all

no he used his hands but he just didn't do hand stuff yeah

what's the line what's the line uh hand on penis

that's fine no that's the line that's the line yeah dude you telling me he didn't touch his own penis the whole time that's no he touched his own penis

oh he didn't touch the other guy's penis. Yes.
Yes. Dude.
Okay. I'm back on her side.

Thank you, Reggie. You know what?

Ma'am, you've been wronged.

I know. Reggie Sabara corded pizza.
I award you one slice of original Reggie Christmas pizza. Ugh, no.
Would you please try it? No, please. Would you just try it and give me your honest opinion?

Because no one can get it. Can I have it for free then?

I'll give it to you for free. One bite.
But

if you like it, if you like it, you buy the rest of the slice. Okay.

Okay. Hot or cold or...
What do you mean, hot or cold? Reggie.

It's cooked pizza, but do you want me to warm it up, basically? Of course.

Okay, okay. Well, that's also a terrible deal because once she takes a bite of it for free, to buy the rest, to pay full price for a slice that has a bite of it, that's insane.
Yeah, gross.

But you took the bite. We're not sure.
How do I know? How can I quality check that? Just don't go anywhere with it. Just eat it in front of me.
But things should reset once you take a bite.

Now I want a full slice of pizza and I'll pay the full slice price. But to pay full price for a slice that has a bite of it, that's insane.

That is a really good point. That is

thank you. Thank you.
So it sounds like not guilty because no hands, no, no, no, you definitely are guilty. Okay.

You were inside of someone.

Okay, so here. so I have the slice.
So here's

so one free bite from the front, not from the back.

Oh, wait, no, I want a crust bite. Are you kidding? Of course I want a crust bite.
Imagine the left bite. It's just like normal pizza.
I know.

That's why I want to eat it.

You won't even know if you like it.

Don't you want me to have a part of the pizza that I like so I end up buying the full slice? Because I just need to like the bite that I take.

I've done this all day because then you'll say, hey, then I turned the pizza around and ate the part I I didn't like, and I want a refund, but I'm not giving any more refunds.

Is this like Undercover Boss or something where like we go to punch you and then you take off your dumb hat and you're like, I'm actually the owner, and that was a trick?

But why would he be tricking us, honey? That makes no sense. We don't work.
I don't know. This guy sucks so fucking bad.
I can't tell what's going on. What? I suck so fucking bad.

You're the one who sucked. Seems like you sucked

and now you're down bad. I suck well, my dude.

Don't remind me. Oh, my God.

Whatever. Whatever.

Okay. Okay, we'll take two slice.
One bite from the back, one bite from the back, one bite from the front. If you like it, he pays for your slice.
Okay. What?

All right, here you go.

Ah, shit. I forgot the lettuce.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Excuse me, you two travelers.

I'm from a different time,

and I need to know how things work in this time.

What's my hair color in 2028? What's my hair color in 2029? What's my hair color in 2020? Oh, I'm from the past.

Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah.
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i know that when we mention stuff in ads people buy the websites guys if you want to just make sure you head to squarespace.com slash riddle to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain using coupon code riddle I love our listeners.

That's insane. Wait, don't listen to that guy.
I'm actually from the past and need that website. Okay, so it's going to be a bidding war on that fake website what is a website there we go

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We're all out of the ordinary. But don't take it from them.

Take it from me, Cousin Kringle.

That's fun. That's fun.
Probably should have done it at the beginning, though, right? Huh? Stay on that side of the street. Oh.
Stay over there. Do you need me to start the ad? No, stay Stay there.

Everybody say thank you, Miss Erin.

I thanked you guys in the other ones.

Not getting thanked.

Okay, and just put those up on the counter. Let's see what we have here.
We have

God of War Ragnarok. Mid.
Okay, we have a Breath of the Wild. All right.
This is a loose Mario Party cartridge. Okay,

carry the one. Your trade-in value for GameStop would be

$8.78.

I'm so con wait, hold on. I'm so confused.
Your trade-in value from the 46 games you brought in here, I've won over all of it, and your trade-in value is $8.

What did I say? We'll just say $8 even.

So...

You're going to give me $8.

Mm-hmm. In trade value.
Okay, in trade value. Yeah, $8 GameStop dollars and then you

you keep all of these

yeah i mean i guess we'll find a way to i don't know sell them or something but yeah well i mean we're you're really getting a deal because we're doing a lot of work here can i can i confer with my uh

no it's a three second offer three

take it take it take it ticket

all right okay and i get this like a gift card or it's uh store credit and it expires in five minutes uh who is your friend there with you uh my buddy um matt he looks like a lawyer.

Oh, Matt.

Would you like to tell why you look like a lawyer? Because

I'm a lawyer. Ah, okay.
He's a lawyer.

All right. Well,

just so you know, that was a good deal. That was a fair deal.
And

it's already done. We have a

verbal agreement. We do have a lot of...
Ladies and gentlemen of

stop. Mostly gentlemen.

Couple ladies. Let's not.

Let's not totally

dancing right now. There's currently no ladies, but there could be.
There would be

usually better at just buying it online or something versus spending it in.

Yeah, go ahead.

Gentlemen of the GameStop.

Do you think it's fair to bring in, I don't know,

something like $400 worth of video games into a GameStop as a trade-in and be handed $8

back? Because this gentleman right here

thinks that that is fair.

And I think he should be put to death for his crimes.

Hey, come on.

To take advantage of a sweet guy that's just trying to get a little bit of cash before Christmas so he can buy his baby that he's neglected the entire year to play video games a present.

Oh, I I didn't know it was for your baby. Oh, you didn't know it was for a baby? It's because why, everyone? And everyone's nodding and saying, because he didn't ask.

You know what? I feel bad. Here is a

QR code for some free DLR for the most recent

Resident Evil.

We don't know what that means. So we actually want $40

in store credit. No.

DLR is like DLC, but it's the R is for really bad.

We would give away DLC.

Okay, so

Matt, did you give me my... Did he get the $40 or he said no?

Where does that kind of leave us?

Can we have $30?

I'll give you $8 in store credit.

It's a pretty good deal.

That's what he offers. The first offer.
Oh, shoot. Oh, yeah.
Are your suspenders Velcrodon,

lawyer? Are your suspenders Velcrodon? Mmm, no. Because every time you put your thumb...

That's how it hurts to hurt my thumbs.

Ow. Okay, what do you want to use this $8 credit towards? You have four minutes.
Four games.

Wait, that's just two kids.

Mom, this doesn't fit. And it's scratchy.
The sweater is scratchy. It's itchy.

All of your cousins are going to be wearing this sweater. Aww, I don't care.
Please. Grandma's going to die no matter what I wear.
Everyone's going to die no matter what. That's not the point.

The point is what we do with the time that we have. I'm so tired of it being like, it's grandma's last Christmas.
It's grandma's last Christmas. Because you guys have been saying that for 10 years.

And she's a monster and she's still alive. She makes us wear matching sweaters.
And I hate it. Mom, I hate it.
Cameron, Cameron.

It's one thing that you have to do for your grandma. As far as we know, it is her last Christmas.
Every Christmas is her last Christmas. Mom, she's the devil.

What? She's the devil. We don't know that.
She acts a lot like the devil, Mom.

We don't, but we don't know that she is. Someone can act like something.
Like, um...

Like Ben Affleck. He can act like Batman, but he's not Batman.

Christian Bale is Batman. Christian Bale is Batman.
In our household, Christian Bale is Batman. Or Robert Pattin.

No.

It's Bale Keaton.

Okay. What about Clooney?

Clooney?

You could see his nipples. Yeah, you love that.
Mom, you love that. Okay, I see.
You Google George Clooney nipples all the time. We share them with your computer.

You're trying to get me to talk about George Clooney's nipples instead of putting on that sweatshirt. Cameron, it's the last one we have, the last one the store has.
Just wear the sweatshirt, okay?

Everyone else in the world talks about how wonderful Christmas time is and how great Christmas time is.

And I go, we go to my grandmother's house in Maine, and it's a labyrinth of terrors the whole time. It's a nightmare week.
Yes,

Cameron, I agree with you. It is not.

I never told you that Christmas was wonderful, or that Christmas was

a good time or festival full of cheer and love. Christmas is a nightmare, but it's our nightmare, Cameron.
It's the one that we live through together, okay? I hope it's her last Christmas. I do too.

Everyone does, but we wear the sweats. Attention, Milwaukee Greater Mall shoppers.
We've had a report of someone saying George Clooney's nipples.

Please, for the comfort of all shoppers this holiday season, please do not say George Clooney's nipples. Cameron, did you turn me in?

Did you turn me in? Well, I knew you already had two strikes, so I thought,

I can get you kicked us out before we buy the stupid scratchy shops. Can we just get through this, okay? You have to get through this.
We have to fly to Maine.

We have to do Christmas at your grandmother's. Nobody's going to have a good time, but we're all going to pretend.

Because if we don't, Cameron, we don't get any any of the inheritance when and if she eventually dies. I think it's a lie.
I think it's a lie that she uses to marry in at her kids.

It's the only thing we have, okay? Whether or not it's a lie, it's all we have. We have everything writing on this, Cameron.
Do you want to go to college? No, not really.

Fuck. Sounds like a lot of work.
And you know what? I

know. I know for a fact that grandma killed her last husband.
I know for a fact.

I saw it, and then she walked up to me and she went, No one's gonna believe you, Cameron.

Good luck trying to get people to believe you, Cameron.

And then she poured eggnog all over my head. Good.
Did you say thank you? Yes.

Good. Terrified.
Yes. Of course.
Of course she killed her last husband. She kills all the husbands.
She kills everyone, Cameron.

$80 million.

I don't think she has a penny to her her name. Oh, Cameron, she has a penny.
We sit through a presentation from her law team about how much her wealth has increased every year.

Anyone can pretend to be a lawyer. I saw two kids earlier at a game stop who had flicked back their hair with water from the sink, and they were dressed like lawyers.

They were trying to get one over on them. Okay, fine.
Cameron, we just won't go to Maine. We won't go to Maine.
We won't go to Christmas. Yeah, amazing.
We can have Christmas just us.

It will be so cozy. Oh, yeah, it'll be cozy.
In our one-bedroom apartment, we have no furniture because we're waiting for the $80 million to come in. What if we worked, Bob?

No.

We're Vanderbilts. We do not work.
We wait.

Hey, hey, Playa. Can I talk to you for a second, Playa? Excuse me.
Hi.

Sorry, don't make me chase you down. No,

I'm good. I'm good.
Hey, sorry. I saw you walk right by my kiosk.

Did you want to buy a black shirt with Post Malone's face next to a Utah Jazz logo? I didn't.

I get that you're just trying to sell

stuff from the kiosk, but I'm good. I don't.

Crap.

No one said crap. I didn't say crap.
Good. Oh, yeah, because it's not crap.
Hey, hey, hey.

Hi. You're cutting near my kiosk.
Do you want to buy iridescent wind chimes?

No, yeah. Do you want to buy iridescent wind chimes? I didn't place the kiosk.
I'm just trying to walk through them all.

Oh, yeah, but you're in my zone now, so.

Why don't you guys talk to each other? $80,

$80,

$80

wind chimes? Stop saying $80. I've got a bad thing.
$80.

Excuse me, buddy. You backed right up into my kiosk.
Can I interest you in a GoPro for condoms?

What? This isn't a kiosk. What is this? This is actually three moving boxes.
This is three moving boxes full of GoPros for condoms, and I'm letting them go for. Dude, huh? Nobody wants that.

I don't even know how that would work, and I don't want to know how that works. I'm just trying.
I'm trying to get away from you. I can show you how it works.
Can I meet you in the background?

Seems like you stumbled across my kiosk. I saw little dogs that are electronic and they scream.

You're dangling on wires from the ceiling. I think you cut towards your kia.
What are you saying? I also sell little like helicopter things that I can remote control. Come on.
I'm not in.

Hey, get off of me, okay? Don't touch me. I know you're not allowed to touch me.
Hi, you're in my zone now. Do you want any sweet soap?

Soap you could eat. Yeah, it's soap you can eat.
It's my wife and I make it in the

not our bathtub. Not in the bathtub.
We make it in the not bathtub, honey.

There's a picture of you. It's a big picture of you making soap in a bathtub.
It looks like you're making soap in the bathtub in this bathtub. It's a painting and it's fictitious.

We can have a battle.

There's paint on it. There's paint on it.
Hmm.

The health department says no, we don't make it in the bathtub. How many bars of soap could we put you down for? Well, did you paint? You put some paint on a picture.
Chocolate soap. Chocolate soap.

Chocolate soap. I don't want to.
I'm not.

Hey, hey, man. Hey, man.
Hey. Hey, what kind of phone do you have there? That's a cool phone.

Through my pocket?

Yeah, I can see the outline. Unless that's your weird dick.
Is that your weird dick or a phone? Man, relax, okay? I'm just, I don't want any of your

fucking disgusting. Can I straighten it? Your hair looks so gross and disgusting.
I can fix that for you. I can straighten it.

Your rat hair.

Rat hair.

Straighten your hair. Come here.
Come here. It's a hot tool.
It's a hot tool. Come here.
I have like half an inch of hair. Oh, shh, shh.
Hey, calm down, buddy.

Why don't you lay down for this kiosk massage where everyone passing by can see you? And it'll both hurt like hell and feel like nothing at the same time. Lay down.
Hey, lay down.

Chairs. Just lay down.

Lay down. No, I'm not going to lay down.

I'm not going to lay down on the ground at the mall. Fine.
Hey, it's already started. It's already started.

I know you're not allowed to touch it. You're going to hurt like hell and feel like nothing.

$80 a minute. I know you're not allowed to touch it a minute.
Stop saying $80.

None of this is worth $80. Hey, Playa.
Hey, Playa. Hey, Playa.
Oh, you. Are you the first guy? Yeah, I got more than one kiosk.

Hey, you want to buy a t-shirt with Post Malone's face on it next to the Utah Jazz?

Well, I'm reasonable.

I'm reasonable. $120.

$120 for that. Yeah.

That's Post Malone's face. That's Post Malone's face next to the Utah Jazz logo.

Does he have like tattoos on his face? $80 wind chimes. $80 wind chimes.
How is it possible to have back here?

Okay, okay.

Everybody,

the limited edition Lego sets are,

we still have six left, okay? And I know

it's right right before Christmas, and tension is high. Emotions are running high.

We decided, even though you have been waiting out here in line, that we are going to give everyone a random number, and then you can come in in six. No, we're going to give you

one.

We're going to hand you a number out of a bowl. Everyone, that is your assigned number, and you will come in in that order one at a time so there is no violence in the Lego.
Bowl made out of Lego.

How much for the bowl? How much for the bowl? Is the bowl for sale? The bowl is not for sale. We use it it for sort of employee

raffles and stuff. Do you have a job here?

We're not currently hiring. We're a little overstaffed because it's the holidays.

I bet you hire on some people that are going to try to steal that bowl.

Hire me on the security. I'll protect it.
The first lady who you handed the bowl to, she ran off with it. Ah, okay.
She's gone. I'm just going to point to random people and give you numbers.
One.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

You cannot just point to random people and and give them numbers. We do not know your biases.

Um, okay.

Has any race ever wronged you? Don't say white, don't say white, don't say white, don't say white. Don't say mostly white people.

No!

Yes! You have biases! Yes! You're definitely not going to point to me.

White people with like blonde, curly hair.

Sure in line. I'll shave it off.
I'll change it. You're mostly describing that guy from

Ryan Phillippi? So you love him. So So you know Ryan Phillippi.
Cruel intentions indeed.

Cruel intentions in deed.

Ryan Phillippi. Look, don't fucking Ryan Phillippy.
Don't blame the rest of us guys out here for what Ryan Phillippi did with him. We disavow.
You look

just like Ryan Philippi. I think you might be him.
I think you might be him. And that's why your number is million.

I hope you like being million. This is why the biases.
This is why I said about the biases.

Hope you even get one single Lego brick that you can give to your kid or whatever the fuck.

Why don't we go around the line and we each because some of us are here for the limited edition that only has a few less, but but some of us are here for other sets.

So let's maybe go around and each say what set we're looking to grab.

Okay, I feel like you're all here for the same set.

Lego's first ever nudity porno set. That's what I'm here here for.
Yeah, everyone's nodding. I'm actually here for Fraser Legos.
If I could go to the front of the line.

Yeah, that is the same set, sir.

Damn it. It's

Niles Crane. Full nude.
Fulling the dog

next to the dad in the chair.

Okay,

here's an idea. I know a lot of us probably have different circumstances that have led us to want to buy that Lego.
What What if we each kind of sing like a sad song that kind of tells our story?

Okay, I'll allow. And whichever song you think speaks to you more is like a person who kind of gets to go to the front of the line.

Well, my name is Tom, and I've never had sex, and I've never had sex. And I need this bad, need this bad.
I need these Legos. Please, please, please.
I need these Legos.

Tom, right to the front. Okay,

that is the one to be.

Okay.

I'm a lonely man

and I live alone. That's That's free falling.

Back of the line.

Ryan Phillipy, back of the line. Come on.
Hold on. Hold on.
Ryan Phillip, back of the line.

Tubbs was goddamn it. Tensions indeed.
Tubbs was god damn it by Blake Wenti. No, it wasn't.
I didn't want to say anything. No, it wasn't.
It absolutely wasn't. No, it wasn't.
Think back. Absolutely.

Think back. Think back.

No,

there's goes done.

And mine goes, dun dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. His goes, dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun, and that one goes.

I'll leave. I'll leave.

Back of the live.

He's watching the front of life. Hey, Phil, hey, hey, this is the one.
Don't make me punch you. This is the friend.

This is the front. I thought this was the back.
No, she didn't feel the back. I thought this was the back.
No, you didn't. No, you didn't feel me.
I thought this was the back.

Is that the song that's in Cruel Intentions? Oh, I thought someone was doing the sad song contest, but they were just doing an instrumental. And I was like, that's brilliant.
I was.

Sorry, it's me, an orphan in the back trying to get the Frasier porto set for Christmas. Whatever.

No way that's an orphan.

Hey, sorry, I was actually going to get into this parking spot. That's actually, I've been looking for parking, and I saw this spot first, and I just wanted to pull in and take this spot.

Thank you so much. So you could just move your niece on.

Interesting. You saw this first.
Yes, I saw this spot first, sir. Oh, but did you see

me? Because I was kind of, I've been waiting for this spot, and you kind of like.

Oh, I saw your car sort of pull up after after I found the spot and well you kind of sort of raced around from the other side I had just been in this and I just had been looping around because I saw a person get in their car and so I went and I looped.

Oh Jordan, there you are. I need the suit buddy.
I need a suit right now. Please for my fucking dead body you need the suit.

I have to use the suit. My shit starts in five.
My shit what what

I'm near the Nordstrom rack. Where are you?

I'm on the other side of the mall. I'm at the moment.
I need the suit. Sir, move your Nissan back, please.
Hey, I'm not talking to you anymore. I've moved on with my life.

I'm happy to just leave the Nissan here. I don't give a shit about this car.
Okay, then leave your Nissan, move it back a little bit, and I'm moving. I'm not moving back.

I'm not moving it. Sir, I am tired.
I got two kids in the back, and I'm willing to destroy your car.

There's no kids back here. Those are puppets.

Guaranteed puppets. Love is love is love is love is love.

And I love these puppets. You can't quote Lin Man Mo Miranda.
And I love these puppets like they're my own kids.

Hey, ma'am, you're actually fighting right now with a half-naked Santa Claus with a beat-to-shit Nissan. Um, it is the Saturday before Christmas.
You think I haven't seen weirder shit today already?

Everyone's fighting for their fucking lives out here. What do I have to lose?

Nothing. I've got nothing to lose.
I'm a lady with two puppets in the back. You got a Nissan.
Okay, let's all be calm. You got a 2019 Nissan.
You're doing just fine. Oh, you think my life's so great?

Why don't we do this? You and me,

right now, leave both cars here, walk to the Wishing Well Fountain in the mall, start to pee into it, hit by lightning, switching.

Switch places, have sex, see what it's like to have sex with ourselves. Selves from a different angle.
Bye! How about that? Merry fucking Christmas. Let's go.
Let's go

they get out of their cars walk into the mall

two local weirdos found dead in a fountain at the mall

thanks jeremy i'm here on site at the mall where we're also talking to i mean obviously that's very tragic but i'm also talking to holiday shoppers who are doing their shopping at the last minute hi ma'am what's your name?

My name is Linda. Linda, why are you here and what are you getting?

I have procrastinated on my list.

And I came here today and I tried to do all my lists real quick and I don't have any of the things that are on my list anymore.

And so I'm having to just sort of figure it out and think about what my loved ones might want on the fly.

That's right. A lot of shoppers are saying that what they're searching for is sold out.
We've heard, ma'am,

you can shuffle along. We've heard reports that the...

Close our little newscaster jacket. Can I stay with you, please? Please don't tug.
Please. We've heard reports that the Fraser Niles Crane nudity set has already caused.
Has already caused... Oh, boy.

Fuck. Has already caused quite a commotion.
You get fired. You can live with me.

No, thank you. Hard pass.

Now we go to our reporter on the scene, who's actually at Santa's Village in the mall. Jordan, how's Santa's Village?

Santa's Village. This is Jordan Piper reporting from Santa's Village.

Something terrible has happened here.

There are no signs of Santa?

No signs of elves, no signs of children.

Just parents left in a confused stupor as to what has been going on at Santa's Village.

There have been reports that real elves, two to three feet tall with razor-sharp teeth, have been taking the children and chucking them into the abyss. Don't tell our secrets, you're gonna be next.

Don't tell our secrets, we'll cut off your neck.

Thanks, Jordan. Back to me.

Hi, who are you shopping for and what have you bought? I'm actually not shopping at all at the mall today.

Okay, so what are you doing here? So, Christmas time, see, there's a lot of people, and they're desperate, and they're frustrated, and they have a lot of emotions, and they waited to the last minute.

And I'm a pickup artist who likes to come to the mall on Christmas so I can try to sleep with those people, sexually speaking.

Interesting,

Samantha, we're here at the mall from seemingly that guy from Abbott Elementary and She-Hulk. I forget his name.
He's also in the other two.

Tatiana Masla.

No relationship.

Uh, sir, we are going to be closing for Christmas in about two minutes. So, just wrap up whatever shopping you need to do and we can send you on your way.

We'll check you out quick, wrap it for you, and then you can get home to your family. Oh, two minutes, you said? Yeah, we're closing two minutes for Christmas.
I think that'll be fine.

Just taking a few things off my list. Wink.

Huh.

Did anyone ever tell you that you look like Santa Claus? Me? No, no, no. My name is Nicholas.

That's Santa's name.

No, Santa's name is Santa. My name is Nicholas.
Oh,

well,

is there anything I can help you find off your list, Mr. Nicholas, sir? Let's see.
I guess there's only one item left, and that's a date for tonight's dinner at 7:30 p.m.

at Cortez Steakhouse. I guess I'm free, but if you were really Santa, you wouldn't be free because you got to go deliver gifts, huh? Hmm.
Yeah, I guess if I was Santa, that would be the case.

Or maybe if I was Santa, I'd would have got with the times and figured out some sort of new technology that takes care of the gifts so that Santa can get his.

Hello. I guess I am free after all.
Oh, what's this? Sorry for this form-fitting, tight red suit. I have this little satchel around my.
Wait, let me. Oh, what's this in my satchel? Oh, some lingerie.

Oh, okay. That's interesting.
Also, a ton of condoms to sort of

like used condoms. That's fine.

Interesting. Yeah.

Guess I've been naughty. Is this the guy? Thanks for stalling him.
Yeah, yeah, this is the guy.

Sir, you've been saying George Clooney's nipples in this ball all day. I've been picking it.
You're out of here.

I've been

killing him. Hold on, kill him.
Hold on, kill him. Supple intentions indeed.
Neptune.