#385: I want to say Cookie Wolf?

This is a Head Gum Podcast.

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McDelivery.

The doctor was the mother.

He stood on a block of ice.

the cabin of an airplane.

He stabbed him with an ice cream.

And the horse is named Friday.

Whoa, Jiffy C, you have a black eye. Is that from the Black Friday sales? Did you try to get a new flat-screen TV and sort of get into it?

I tried to get flattened on my screen by a TV.

There,

I got in a fist fight. Oh, boy.
I got a concussion. All right, let me shine this flashlight in your eyes.
Why my eyes? He's the one with the concussion.

Just trying to get that reflection going. They're like little chiseled diamonds there in your eyes.
Thank you.

Adult, I feel like you might have a concussion. Let me just shine a light in your eyes.
Yeah, I went to ask JPC what was wrong with him. I bonked heads so hard.

Adult, I see a lot of reflections coming from your eyes. Those look like, ooh, and I hate to say it, conflict diamonds, which, as you know.
Oh, no, I was going for a lap grown.

No, we have to take them out because, you know, it's pretty unethical to have those, even if they are in your eyes. Yeah, that's what Bono sings.
That's what Bono sings.

Sunday, party, Sunday party, Sunday. She will be loved.

We love Bono. We love Bono, folks, don't we? Don't we love Bono? Happy.

The studio audience just went crazy. Listen,

he's giving it his all.

What it is, I don't know. He's giving it his all.

He's wearing some gibbons, and he's doing something.

He's giving it his all. That's how I should have said it.
Fuck. Welcome to Hay Riddle Riddle, a podcast about the holiday season.

Three concussed hosts

talking about how Bono always gives it his all.

You think you've ever had a concussion? Adel, you played football. You've had a concussion, right?

Probably. Yeah.
Yeah.

Sometimes the helmet pops off.

Sometimes the ball goes too hard. Do you think, do you think you've had a concussion as an adult?

I don't think so, but I've fallen pretty hard. Yeah.

I saw somebody hit their head once,

like going into an entryway, like a low entryway.

yeah and as soon as i saw it i was like they have a concussion like it was like i could feel the concussion in my body i was like i felt my brain get rattled a bit you got an empathetic concussion i i think i got a yeah a sympathy concussion what happened that next did you

get oh they fell they fell down um and they were out of it and uh kind of just sat with them for a while um you didn't stare straight ahead like a maniac while people took photos of you oh

we're referring to nothing that's nothing that's been in the new freedom to bono well you know in in that guy's in that guy's defense once you're up your legs are locked and once they're locked in place that's going to take what 25 30 minutes to get those bad boys unlocked you're going to have to have your wax guy come in grease up the knees it's only a matter of time until i faint in the public space while i'm standing behind someone giving a speech so i'm counting my days till that happens yeah i mean but fainting

as long as there's someone there to like, hopefully catch you a little bit, then you're probably not going to get a concussion. But fainting is also terrifying.
It's a

to see someone faint and to be to be the victim of a faint.

Aaron, I think when you eventually faint in public, because I agree, it will happen. Of course.
It'll be like that scene in Princess Bride when

Robin Wright. jumps out of the window into Andre the Giant's arms.

Hello, Lady. Except I'm Andre the Giant and I've passed out, and I drop her.

Hello, lady. I would actually like to see a scene.
Is that so insane? Yes.

We do have to check you for a concussion. I get that.

GBC, you are at a concert and you're a little dehydrated. And Adel, you are

fainting, the concept of fainting. And you're going to like tap on his shoulder and tell him it's his time and that he's about to faint.

Oh my God.

Whoa. Hey, this is one of of my favorite songs of theirs.

I think they're gonna get some water. No, no, you won't be getting to the water in time.
Hey, you enjoying the concert? Huh? You enjoying the concert?

Yeah, I mean. How to dismantle an atomic bomb? Pretty sweet tour.

This is, for my money, this has to be their best album. Oh, yeah.
Name one of your favorite songs. From How to Dismantle an Atomic Bomb.

Ooh, Atomic Bond. Yeah.
You got about 10, 15 seconds tops. Ugh, okay.
I want to say she will be loved by Barud 5. Babe, are you okay?

Oh, thank God. No, I think I need to...
I think I might like the way you're going to. Nod your head no, but say yes.
Do what? Nod your head no, but say yes. Oh, you're already doing it.

It's like a pat pat your belly and pat your head or whatever.

It's time. Time what? It's time.

Good night, my sweet prince.

He's a stranger.

Good night, my sweet prince.

I don't know. I don't know.
Okay, well, hey.

What are you doing?

Who is this? I punch fainting in the bank.

That's how Adel got his black eye. Yeah, for sure.
Oh, yeah.

Hey, what have we... We've been so good lately.
No.

Aaron, what do you...

Have we? Have we, Aaron, been so good lately?

We deserve a little treat. Yeah, Yeah, let's do a Patreon just cuz.

Let's make a main feed a patreon and make a patreon a main feed. Let's punish those who pay us the reward.

Yes. I mean, we've been doing that the whole time.
You get to do another Patreon right after this, Eric. Can't you just wait? No, I don't know.
Can't you just wait for your cake?

I want to now.

You got Patreon in my main feed. You got main feed in my Patreon.
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups.

How was everybody's holiday?

Did everybody have a good Thanksgiving? People are not under the impression that we record the day before these comes out. These come out.

We don't have to put on airs.

Although, speaking of, is now a good time to talk about how stressed I am.

All of my flights to the East Coast for tour and the holidays have gotten canceled. Yeah.

I wonder how that's going to work. And by the time this has come out, it's already worked out.

And it was,

we know how the tour ended. I might need to drive six days to get there.

I did look at, luckily, like,

it's, you know, air traffic controllers, luckily, that

are shutting down, which is why airplanes and airports are like shutting down at canceling flights and not trains. And on the East Coast, like, there is a way to, like, take a train if you need to.

But if my flight to Philadelphia gets canceled, I'm just like. driving to Philadelphia, I guess.
I guess Adel and I are bundling up and we're

making the 14-hour trip to fucking Philadelphia. Another road trip.

Another road trip.

I'm quite worried because I will need to leave literally six days before tour starts. Yeah, it would be harder for her.

Right, you're right.

Didn't Willy Wonka or someone build like a bullet train from LA to Philly?

That happened this year, right? Yeah. That happened in between recording and the Wonka tunnels under Van.
How long was he out? How long was Adel's concussion? I don't know.

I think it's still happening. Did he give himself a real concussion from a scene?

Nepal's letting people in now, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, so everything's fucked. But

the only answer to this first riddle is water park.

I think, though, ultimately, it could be kind of a blessing in disguise because if you are a person, which many people are, who does not like to see their family during the holidays, this is kind of like the perfect excuse to get all your shit canceled.

You're like, that's true. I'd love to come home and get get in a fight with Uncle Chris about, you know, immigration, but

it really looks like it's not going to be happening for me this year.

I unfortunately love my family, and Thanksgiving's the only one everyone goes to. You don't love all of them.
Whoa, Jeeps. You got thrown under the bus.
What do you actually think about that?

She said a bunch. Mitch,

Aunt Catherine.

Oh, one of your sisters. The big two specifically.
You don't like,

I know that I know all of them. I love all of them.
Aaron's family members by name, but I

you really just guessed biblical names and you're halfway there. Yeah.
That's all you are. Is there Molly in the Bible?

Yeah.

She's the one that cut that baby in half, right? That's a Smith song, right? Molly in the Bible. King Molly from the Bible.
Is the enter waterpark to this first riddle? Did I call the shot?

You called the shot, but nobody knows what you were shooting at or why.

So I'll give you a point. Yes.
Because I feel bad for you. Thank you.
Apple will be happy for me. Yay.
Thank you. Hello, Lydia.

But I do. Oh, my gosh.
At this point, I know who won Dancing with the Stars.

Isn't that fun?

Unless the government shutdown has affected which stars were allowed to dance.

I bet it has. Yeah.

Because

if they shut down NASA, then they couldn't get the telescope to the stars. And so they were unable to distinguish the stars from each other.

Dancing with, we were, we've been dancing with the quasars this whole time. Oh, no,

I bet it's Andy Richter, Aaron. Oh, everyone's gonna be so pissed if it's him.

I'm gonna be so excited, though. I think that they'll get it straightened out.
Trump is gonna take care of election reform, um, and so that'll probably apply to dancing with the stars as well.

So, you might win dancing with the stars this year. Good point.
What if dancing with the stars you could only do if you went in person voted and you had to show your ID?

I would, I would make it every single week.

It would go down from like 50 million people that vote to like 1 million people, but they would be the most devoted.

It'd be like how U.S. elections work where it's like, exactly.
Hey, pretty great turnout this year, 45%.

That's not bad.

We're going to do more of Zoe.

We're going to do more of, yeah, our democracy is in absolute tatters.

Not really even a democracy to begin with. So just kind of a system of norms that turned out, we're not.
Very normed. We're going to do more of Zoe.

We all went to high school, and the dumbest pigs are running the farm.

The meanest bullies you've ever experienced. Hi, everybody.
We here at Hay Riddle Riddle are trying to do escapism best we can. But sometimes

the dam breaks and the pain comes through.

Zoe listed some more of these animal parade riddles that we did last time I was in charge.

And I love these. Can I just say I love these? Wait, sorry.
Is Old Man Puzzles in charge all of a sudden? Is Old Man Puzzles the one that is allowed to make the final call?

Like, if I got really hurt and had a medical situation right now, would you get to make the choices for me because you're old man puzzles? Do you become like the default? DNR, do you not resuscitate?

Oh, is that what that means? You didn't even ask what was medically wrong with me.

I don't like that. I think don't ask, don't tell, Larry.
Don't ask, don't tell. DMB.
Not my business.

Just kill her. I don't need to know.

It's a broken arm, asshole. Sir, she's up in bed and talking.
No, DNR. What the fuck is an art asshole?

I mean, if that breaks, you're pretty fucked, right?

I don't even know that I had one. Adel, you're going to be making all my medical choices.
Hello, Adol. You are the default old man puzzles.
You created the show. You were the first old man puzzles.

So if anything goes awry here, I think you need to take over. You're saying I have power of attorney.

I regret bringing any of this up.

Well, I regret that we simply must do an animal parade.

You did say animal parade puzzles.

Just to make quite sure, you did say animal parade puzzles.

No.

I'm in charge.

At all, that looked like someone who is like the first marching band in the Maisies Thanksgiving Day parade, took one step and fell and ate shit immediately. They're like,

sir, it's September 24th, and I'm like, oh, am I early? They blow the whistle. They're like, boo, boop, boop, boop, and up and fall.

We were going to do more of Zoe's Animal Parade riddles, the riddles that Zoe submitted based off of, loosely off of Animal Parade. Send no parade.

But I was going through these, and I think we're going to skip around.

They submitted more than we are going to end up using, but I want to do this one because I think this one is very fun.

So we're going to do an Animal Parade intro first.

No, we're not doing an Animal Parade because we're not doing an article and we're not spending a lot of time on these. So JPC, we're not going to do like, I don't know, a snail with a full-on perm?

A manatee who just cut their bangs. No, we are not doing the same animal parade.

I cannot be. No,

it was the whole episode last episode. I cannot be.
I'm a single with the buzz cut, dude. We have much more to do today than these animal parade rentals.

We are finishing these up from the last episode. You already had your cake.
You cannot have two cake.

Let them eat cake.

That's a bad thing. Well, that lady said that.
I hate

teacher so mean.

The one I'm teacher, I really like when you guys respect and listen to me.

Here's, okay.

I'll give you a refresher on the game.

But the game is, I'm going to give you four animals, and then you're going to have to, and then I'm going to give you the lost animals, and I can also give you the lost items.

And then you'll have to give me, so it's like four animals lose their items, and then you'll have to give me what you think the answers are. Okay.

So there's the, so your first one is a tiger with pancakes,

a rabbit with drumsticks, a cuckoo bird or a cuckoo bird with earmuffs,

and a toucan with news groups. These are all serial mascots with

pancakes.

What was it?

Adam. You are correct.
These are all serial mascots. You have it.
But you're lost animals now. So, so

it's pancakes, drumsticks, earmuffs, and news groups.

The lost animals that you're looking for to solve for are bee, frog, and wolf.

Honey nut Cheerios. Mm-hmm.

So how are we getting? Smacks the frog. Tony the tiger.
Smacks him in the lips. Frosted flakes, but here he.
Oh, frosted flakes, pancakes. Yes.
Yes, the second one was.

A rabbit with drumsticks. Rabbit.
Rabbit would be tricks, drumsticks. Okay.
So Cheerios would be. He's a genius.
He's doing this.

Merry Souls. Now,

one of the reasons why I said it was hard was they really couldn't come up with something that ribed with Cheerios. So this is the slantiest of slant rhymes.

So if you could get something that kind of sounds like Cheerios. Steerios, Mary Souls, Cheerios.

Scary hose.

Aaron, I'll give you scary hose. Okay.
I wish you wouldn't.

They had stereos, but I think stereos and scary hose is close enough, so I'll give you scary hoes.

Smacks to flap jacks, smacks, snacks, cracks, cracks,

checks. Yeah, I mean, that works.

Again, the one that they had something that rhymes, but you got something that rhymed as well. Snacks.
They had a frog with jet packs. Okay.
Oh, it can be non-food items.

Yeah, like earmuffs, news groups.

Because hoes, I figured. Okay, never mind.
Yeah. Wolf.
And then your last one is called.

Cokey Crisp. Is that a wolf? Yeah, it is.
Okay. You got the cereal, right? So, what does the wolf have? Cookie Crisp.

Charming Lisp. A Lisp.
A Lisp. That's actually the one that they have.
You got that one right on the money.

Well, I want to. I do want to see a scene.
This is kind of

really our bread and butter.

I want to see a scene. Adult, you are the wolf, I think it is, on the cookie crisp box, and you're talking to Aaron, who is a child, through the box.

She's eating. Oh, Kooky Koreas.
Not again. Mom!

Beth, no, Beth, Beth, listen. It's time to try me out.

No. No more rice krispies.
Try Kookie Krisp. Hey, hey.
I never realized that I sound like Pennywise. Yep, yep.
Hey, last time this happened,

a frog

came fucked your mom? Yeah, came out of the box, fucked my mom, and they got married last year in Vegas. Oh, congrats.

My shift, Dad. He's actually at my parent-teacher conference right now.

I can't do this. What's your name?

My name is... Oh, no one's ever asked me.
I want to say Cookie Wolf. Okay, that could be a TV on the radio album.
My mom is freshly fucked, so not under control.

This has been devastating for me. I'm getting teased at school.
My stepdad's a frog, you understand? Yes, I was teased at school too. I had a charming lisp.
Charming lisp. Okay, uh, Cookie Wolf.

Um, you seem great. Your dessert for breakfast.
Oh. This is awesome.
Yeah. Um, I don't know if I should be eating.

Good, good, mom. Yeah, no.
Um, wait, mom. No, I don't.
You don't want to fuck my mom? I do, but.

Yes, honey?

How serious are you about smacks? Honey, I can't hear you. I just got out of the shower.
Do you want me to come down there?

Do you want me to introduce you? If I bite you, do you turn into cereal?

Never mind. See?

This is viral marketing for our Smacks the Frog. Please don't fuck my mom shirt that we have in the TeePublic store right now.

Click the link in the show description if you want to go pick that up.

Perfecting for the holidays. A box of cereal that says the cereal that fucks your mom.

I mean, now I can.

would you believe that i felt like i could not when i commissioned this specific piece of artwork that i could not put the words my mom on the box so i had i said we'll kind of cleverly allude to it but i don't think anyone's gonna wear a shirt with the word unless the shirt just says please fuck please don't my mom put on the back of the shirt because that's what you did with your demographic shirt and people wear that in public um that's right can you imagine i know being a teacher right now is incredibly hard and maybe the worst time in history but can you imagine being a teacher

What?

Can you imagine being a teacher in like 1997 and you have a class filled with students who had cookies for breakfast

trying to teach them? Their brains are literally, they just had a ton of sugar and dessert an hour ago and now they're loose until it's dunkaroo time. in the middle of the day.

You just gobbled down a bowl of mostly marshmallows. Yeah.

Isn't that insane to just be like, I ate marshmallows for breakfast. I ate 1.3 pounds of marshmallows for breakfast.
We just ready to learn. Pumped them filled with sugar.

I was like, okay, go learn how to be a doctor. Let's do this.

It's, yeah, I don't. Yeah.
I mean,

I think that there's like, I mean, there's just a lot, a lot wrong with that scenario.

But my mom, when we were growing up, we weren't allowed to have sugar cereal and we weren't allowed to have like soda. And I'm like, I did.
I had a lot of sugar cereal and I had a lot of soda.

But I'm also grateful that I didn't, like, looking back on it now, I'm like, I was prevented from eating a lot of shit that I should not have ever consumed. And I am grateful for that.

Even though at the time I was like, I'm going to, I'm going to hide cans of Mountain Dew in the couch so that no one can take them from me. I, you know.
That's addict behavior.

I was going to say that, but I,

I, I think we, my mom, looking back, should have gotten better snacks. The best we would ever have is Cheez-Its sometimes or Cape Cod potato chips.
I ended up hitting my head all the time.

Speaking of concussions, I ended up not turning out right. I could have had, I could have used a better snack.
I could have used some gushers from time to time. Oh, gushers, top tier snacks.

I feel very conflicted because

around Halloween this year, I do not want to hand out candy because I don't like condone the eating of candy. It's not something that we eat in my house.

And I hate that I'm like, well, yeah, but I'll just like. I'll just feed all of the neighborhood children full of candy.

But then again, I don't want to be the house on Halloween that's like giving out like a nice shiny apple.

But as I was walking around trick-or-treating, I haven't been trick-or-treating, you know, obviously in decades. I was like, well, what the fuck do people get that's not.

He said that like he's been in disguise several times, but keep going.

Yeah, I'm just taking candy that other kids would be getting and throwing them at the dubster. It's like the trick-or-treat Grinch.
But I was like, I don't want to buy candy. And I did.

I ended up buying candy this year

to hand out.

But I saw so many people having awesome, like I wrote on all these ideas for like non-candy things that people were giving out on Halloween.

People were giving out these like little like single like Play-Doh things.

People were giving out like little like

five simple. It's not,

you know, not necessarily better, but little like plastic spider rings, like little like five simple toy things.

People were giving out little like

bags of cheese puffs. Like, I don't know, like, I don't even know what the brand were, but they were just like a ton of little things.
Some snacks, some toys, some things like that that were not

candy. And I was like, okay, cool.
So this is the last year. This is the last year that I do candy.
And next year I'm doing like little trinkets.

There was a house in my neighborhood in Chicago that it was really funny. They did, they would dress up like in Easter wear, the mom and dad that was handing out candy, and they'd have eggs.

And some of them would have like one starburst in it, or like a little Halloween

toy, but some of them had like $5 bills in it. So people would go.
And it's like, there's this excitement about what you could get in your egg. But

I gotta say, that's Easter. That's the right thing to do about Eastern.
But that's a funny bit. To be the person in your neighborhood who's like being funny.

Were these people just do it like these are like breakfast for dinner people? We're like, we just do Easter for Halloween. We do Flag Day for Christmas.
Are you ready to order apps?

I'll do the cheesecake.

The cheesecake. We're kind of one of those fun couples.

We're a deranged family.

But you hitting on like a toy or Play-Doh is not, you're not establishing your brand as the craziest guy in the neighborhood. Like, I think you need to do, you're a professional comedian.

You're exceptionally insane. Like, maybe hand out something that is a representation of your branding.
And I do, oh, yep, I do see that there is a, all right, here we go.

Let me just press this button. It's the craziest man in the neighborhood, the wackiest dude in the town, the weirdest man in Halloween is JP riddles

halloween recap can i can i also say he eats his sweater and takes off his shoes and throws them through a window jpc casually brush brushing aside the uh call for jp riddles very much my vibe in my neighborhood is the most low effort person in the neighborhood that's like that's the brand that i have built up over the past five years and so

this is gonna be better

and i will also say even if i tried i would be nowhere near the craziest motherfucker in the neighborhood because there are some crazy motherfuckers in my neighborhood.

And Aaron, you're going to love this. They're not doing it to be funny.

Okay, a lion with a cane, kangaroo with a couch, rhino with some corn, and a shark with a pin.

Now, is some corn? Is that

is it necessarily, is it necessary to say some? No, I just think it's, it's just, if you say acorn, it sounds like acorn. I see.
Yeah. Um,

or, but so it's, it's just corn. It's this a word one or like a

does it ride with like where they live or something about them, something about them, not where they live, but yes, something about them. So, kangaroos have pouches.

Okay, this kangaroo had a couch, lions have manes, this one has a cane, yeah, rhinos have horns, this has corn, sharks have fins, this one has a fin.

Okay, so your lost animals are a camel, an elephant, and a lobster. Camels have mumps,

Elephants have

trunks.

Skunks. Skunks.

Okay, that works. Did you have, what was you want for camel? You just said mumps? Pumps to mumps, I guess.
Pumps to mumps. Okay.

And lobsters have. Lobsters have shaws, have shawls.
No, that doesn't rhyme with claws.

Claws. Claws.
Lobsters have. What, Aaron?

Claws. Flaws.
They have flaws. Yes.
So you got it. It was flaw was right on the money.
So Aaron gets two bonus points.

The elephant elephant has a drunk, and the camel has a pump.

The elephant has a drunk. Yeah, that makes more sense than mine.
What was yours?

I was just pregnant for two years. I was just pregnant for two years.
What? I can't have a drink after making an elephant. I was pregnant for two years.

Yeah, Adel, you're going to be that guy to deny the elephant a drink after they were pregnant for two years. I want sushi.
I want soft cheeses. I want to get margaritas with my girls.

The elephant can't have sushi. Oh, can't it? That's like grapes for a dog here.
It's poison for an elephant. No, it's not.
Yeah, I ate.

I obsessed my tummy a little bit, but I'm mostly just having the best time out here.

I'm going to take a bath and mother elephant found dead after consuming sushi, which, as we know, is like grapes for dogs. And guess what? She died smiling, bitch.

That's the bar. As long as you die with a smile on your face, you can go out however you want.
That's my dream for every woman out there, elephant or not. I hope you die with a smile on your face.

At the local watering hole. Free as a bird.
Oh, I have a dream about every woman.

And you know how I want to go out, Erin?

On a break. With a break.
Yeah, with an ad break. That's how I want to go out.
You got it, Aaron. That's another two points.

This podcast is sponsored by Squarespace. Excuse me, you two travelers.

I'm from a different time, and I need to know how things work in this time.

What's my hair color in 2028? What's my hair color in 2029? What's my hair color in 2020? Oh, I'm from the past.

Oh, that makes more sense. Yeah.
Oh, hey, look, we don't really have time for whatever this scam is, so could you just tell us how much money you need, and we'll kind of be on our way? 500 bucks.

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Did you know most of those words, guy from the past? Yeah, we have words in the past. Also, my name is just Jeff and I'm from now.
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That's insane.

Wait, don't listen to that guy. I'm actually from the past and need that website.
Okay, so it's going to be a bidding war on that fake website. What is a website? There we go.

Five, four, three, two, one countdown over it's the holiday season time to buy gifts i'm so excited i'm gonna decorate i'm gonna buy gifts aaron slow down you sound and look stressed but uncommon goods takes the stress out of gifting with thousands of unique high quality finds you won't see anywhere else now aaron how does that make you feel oh i feel way better yeah and aaron you should feel even better because uncommon goods their items are crafted by independent artists and small businesses making every gift feel meaningful and truly one of a kind.

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I'm not sure if you'll find stuff from the major motion picture in Die Hard, but you can look. And Miss Keith, can I tell you last year, my parents got me common goods?

I got like a bag of flour and a brick.

Well, that's no fun. No, I want uncommon goods.
That won't do. You know what? If you're like me, buy some Christmas ornaments.
Get some Christmas candles.

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We're all out of the ordinary. But don't take it from them.

Take it from me, Cousin Kringle.

That's fun. That's fun.
Probably should have done it at the beginning, though, right? Huh? Stay on that side of the street. Oh.
Stay over there. Do you need me to start the act? No, stay there.

Everybody say thank you, Miss Erin.

I thanked you guys in the other ones.

Not getting thanked. Oops.
Uh-oh, here we go.

Add a JPC. I need to get a last-minute gift for my parents.
Forgot to get them something. Maybe something sentimental that they can use around the house.
Panicking, panicking. Baby, calm down.

You got an ace up your sleeve, baby. So many cards up my sleeve.
The best gift you can get a parent, or really anyone in your life, is an aura frame. Have you heard of this? You've seen this?

Okay, I'm already feeling a little calm. You came to the right place, Aaron.
That's why they call me Mr. Last Last Minute.
It's not because I'm the last thing that you see before you die.

I don't know who started that rumor. It's not true.
You see a bunch of cool stuff and it's your life. And I don't take you or usher you off.
What are we talking about? We're talking about aura frames.

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So if Gemma and I go on a fun trip, I upload some of those pics to my mom's frame. She's going nuts.
She's loving it. She feels like she's engaged with my life.
Okay, awesome.

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Oh, thank goodness. Oh,

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And Aaron, it's just a placeholder.

We're going to get like an actual rapper, musician, and great, because that whole character is very confusing. The grim rapper, Mr.
Last Minute, was not there to get it. Mr.
Last Minute is so funny.

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Oh,

probably cyborg spelled S-I-G-H, don't you think, JPC? Yeah.

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I am the one that did the silly voice this time. Can you believe it? A beep poop bop.
We just met you. Ebi poop.

Hey, riddle, riddle.

All right, we are back, and sometime at some point, someone gave me a rental book. Was it while we were on tour? Could have been.
Was it something that someone mailed us?

Very good. Add, and I have something we want to say.
Please. We have decided

that we want to unionize, and we're going on strike against old man puzzles. You've been throwing your weight around this episode.
It made us feel very small. We want health insurance.

We want eight weeks paid time off. I'll give Adel health insurance because he'll never use it.
You can have zero health insurance. What? Health insurance for you, Aaron, would bankrupt us.

It would destroy the ship.

Aaron, I think this is good. I think this is as good as we're going to

eight weeks paid time off.

I want you to pay for my apartment. Aaron, you didn't have that.
You work at most four hours a week. You have eight weeks paid time off.
That's for you.

Excuse me. I would like to not do a scene ever again.
I would like, I would like to be able to call whatever scene I want. Adel, what are your demands?

My demands were actually met.

So I'm actually going to sit down.

I need to sit down. You're a scab.
I need to sit down. Huh? No, he's not a scab.
He got his demands met. Yeah.
You guys weren't targeting you then.

You guys forgot. Aaron, I'm going to go ahead and deflate this big rat we bought.

Come on. It's $300 a day, and I can't.
We have to deflate this big rat. All right.
Oh, my God. I thought that was a good thing.
Back to working for the man. That was why I caved.

I thought that thing was going to eat me.

All right. Ready for this riddle book that someone handed you at some point.
Someone did a really nice thing, though, when they... Let's see, did they write their name on it? Maybe.

Maybe they probably wrote a really nice letter or something that I've thrown away.

But they did a really nice thing when they handed me this riddle book or sent this riddle book where they tabbed out with these like nice colorful tabs, which are the best riddles in the book.

Now, some of them are visual riddles, so I'd have to just skip them anyway. A riddle somalier.

Yeah.

Huh. Is that

sure? Picking out the best. Yeah, I guess so.
That's amazing.

Curating an experience. So this is a curated riddle experience.
Here's your first riddle from this curated riddle experience from this book.

The font on the front of this book is so hard to read that I'll just never know what the book is called. Oh.

Take a picture of that font and let's use it for the shirt that says, Please don't fuck my mom. Ah.

What if we wrote, Please Don't Fuck My Mom, but we just like translated it into Japanese and then back to English.

We did that like six or seven times. Oh, guys, can we write it in wingdings? Come on.
The wind will never know the touch of a femme.

I guess.

Okay, here's your first one: On your back, or hold me in your hand. Break the former, a bill to demand.
Break the latter, knowledge you'll land.

Latter, I'm assuming, with T's, not D's.

Oh, yeah, baby, T's, not D's.

T's to get degrees. Um,

on your back.

On your back, or hold me in your hand?

On your back, or hold me in your hand. Break the former, a bill to demand.
Break the ladder, knowledge you'll land. So, back would be breaking to get a bill.

So, on your back probably has to do with the bill being paid.

On your back, or hold me in your hand. Break the former, a bill to demand.
Break the latter, knowledge you'll land.

So, if you hold it in your hands and break it, you'll get knowledge. Is this like a book? Fortune cookie, uh, at all.
A book is part of it.

We're actually looking for like two things, and one of the things is a book.

So, the second one's a book,

a checkbook,

break the ladder, knowledge you'll land.

Is that that's not the book one? That's the book one. That is the book one, yeah.
But I, the answer is not book, but

it's describing a book, yes.

Interesting. On your back,

build demand. What would you break on a book to land some knowledge?

Egg.

Ah.

Both said egg. Oh.
Well, just because that's like an answer to like riddles. Is that why you said that?

Yeah. Let's see.
Yeah. Let's say, yeah.
And then I

it's not that I don't know how to read.

Or how to cook an egg.

Honestly, if the book is hot enough, like if it's a Dan Grisham, you can cook an egg on it.

Is it Dan Grisham? No, it's John Grisham, right? Dan Brown and John Grisham. Dan Brown.

Charlie's dad.

On its back.

So,

yeah.

This is a part of a book.

A spine.

Oh, if you break your spine, you have to pay the medical bills.

Not you, Adol. Not me, because I don't use my health insurance.
Well, no, you have it. You negotiated for it.
Yeah. Yeah.

Now, more likely. What did I get? You'll break.
You didn't get anything, Aaron.

Adel got everything.

What happened?

You'll break your spine and you'll be like,

I think my spine hurts.

I think my spine hurts now.

Okay. You could.
You could go see a spine doctor. You don't have to.
I'm not making you go see a spine doctor. I would like to see a scene.

Adult, you are someone who is about to get a very invasive spine surgery.

JPC, you're the substitute doctor that showed up that day and you're trying to inspire confidence in Adel.

I've never had a spinal tap before. So the needle goes into my

spine.

It's going to go into the base of your spine,

but it's going to feel very sharp and I'm not going to lie, it's going to feel painful for a moment.

But when we give you the spinal tap, that's also how we're going to give you all of your painkillers for the procedure. So after that, you will not feel a thing.
And Dr.

Richards, he's there's no way to get him on call, or

no, I'm sorry. I thought it was explained to you.
Dr. Richards was in a ski accident,

not a ski accident, it was on purpose.

He's doing his first threesome at a ski chalet. Oh, yeah.

It's not the kind of threesome he planned on, but he's crossing it off his bucket list. Okay.

It's with his wife's best friend, Marv.

And see, that's where I'm confused, because this all was told to me.

But I guess I just don't understand that his wife.

I don't understand that people are still named Marv these days.

The situation was he asked his wife for a threesome for his birthday, and his wife agreed to it, but she threw in the fact that it was going to be a threesome with her best friend.

And so I'm confused because clearly the wife had been willing to sleep with Marv and just roped him in at the first chance. Oh, and so that's

confused. So, no, that's not my understanding of the situation.
Oh, okay, okay. My read on the situation is that she did not want her husband to have an excuse to sleep with another woman.

So in order to like acquiesce to his birthday request, she brought in her friend Marv,

kind of as a way to make her husband feel uncomfortable. But Dr.
Richards is big on this bucket list, as you know, as he's probably told you many times before.

He used to have it laminated in the office. Yeah.
But you're in great hands. This is one of the best spinal surgery centers in the western united states um

and i i don't mean to toot my own horn um but i am an excellent spinal surgeon and a clown

well okay that explains the shoes and the makeup and the

dr wiggles um i have the or prepped for surgery oh dr wiggles is in 102.

um oh yeah fantastic oh so sorry sorry we it happens all the time it's because we have the same hair right but big curly red hair yeah wasn't he.

You weren't supposed to do this surgery, though, today.

Wait a second. You're you're um

you're Rick Astley. Oh my god.
They got me.

You're not Rick Astley. This is, I got pranked.
Wow. Ah, we gotcha.
So wait.

Wait, who got pranked? Me? All right. Country.

And we're going to go to the bottom. So 10, 9, 8, 8, 7, 6, 5, 8, he's done.
He's done. Throw this guy in the fucking trash.

He's dead, dead scrambled four i'm something to fear scrambled one more and i'm the ground near with my six i sustain you dear

these are hard huh

yeah i feel like i need a little sketch i feel like i need a dry eraser board board for these

scrambled four i'm something to fear scrambled one more and I'm the ground near. With my six, I sustain you, dear.

Yeah, I don't know with these numbers i don't know how they intersect with

the words here is it something we consume

scrambled four

are these like dinner terms it's a four letter word a five letter word and a six letter word okay i see i see we we need a name for one of these riddles like we should name these riddles where you add letters this type yeah yeah scramble makes you think eggs so i really wanted you guys to say egg again so that you could say egg for every every one of these riddles.

Yeah, so scrambled four, I'm something to fear.

Scrambled one more, I'm the ground deer. Say with my six, I sustain you, dear.

Egg is the first one, though. No, egg is not the first one.
The scramble is a is kind of a red herring there.

Oh, a red herring.

The easiest one to get is that is the end of it. With my six, I sustain you, dear.

Six letter word for something that sustains you?

dinner air oxygen

uh

breath breath breath

oh bear would be for

yes right yes i think i believe so okay

and then

add a letter it's either t or an h the ground

it doesn't matter you don't need to get the middle one because

The answers in the back of this book. I think bear is correct, but the answers in the back of the book only say breath.
So they do not provide the answer for the first two. What?

Insane. What do you think the answer to the first one is, though? I think it's Bear.
Scrambled for I'm Something to Fear. Oh, okay.

And then the middle one, your guess is as good as mine because we have B-E-A-R, and then there's a T and an H that go into there. So,

well, so maybe Bear is not wrong.

H-E-A-R-T would be Scramble One More. I'm the ground near, but no, that's hearth.
That wouldn't be

hearth. Hearth would be like a fireplace, right? I'm the ground near.
I don't know. I don't know.
Well, comment below, wherever that is. The best part about it is we don't need to know.
Yeah.

We could just move the fuck on. All right.
I'm ready. Yeah.
Here's your riddle.

I'm six letters, and my whole H uh W-H-O-L-E is creation. I'm six letters and my whole is creation.
My three, four, and five, family we be,

but add six in a ruler, I see.

Four and five are never out, while my one, two, four, and five are what it's all about. Adult boy.
Do you want to go, I don't know, grab a drink or play some mini golf?

Well,

one, four, and five are always the least, but one, two, and five took a giant leap.

Queen.

This,

I don't believe Queen is correct. This book does have hints,

though. I'm ready for the hint.
Prints.

Let's see. Now, Aaron, I know you're ready for the hint.
The hint might not be helpful. I've been looking at the hints for the last two riddles that we did, and they were not really helpful.

But let's try it.

Let's try a hint and

see if it's helpful.

Your hint for this one.

Okay. Okay.
So

this is fun because this is a book, but all of the hints in the book like point to other pages in the book to be like, your hint is on this page.

Like, so one of the words that you would need to unlock this is like printed on a page of this book. So it's not really a great hint for like me who's just reading the riddle to you.

It's more of a hint if you're, wow.

You know what? I never thought about somebody buying one of these books. and sitting down like cracking it open and like doing it themselves.
Like it's like a workbook. Yeah.

But that seems like the way that this is written. Of course.
Oh, yeah.

I have some. Do you think there are people that like just sit there and read through riddle books? Yeah, that's what I did when I was a kid.
You read through like riddle and joke books.

You try and solve them. You try to solve them.

I,

whenever I had like a riddle book or a joke book, well, joke book specifically, but a riddle book, it was always me opening it up and like doing the riddles for like a group of people.

Okay, someone's bragging about having friends growing up. Adel, do you want to go get a drink or play some mini golf or something?

My demands were met.

I feel like, well, I don't know. I grew up in, I grew up in an era of video games, so I don't know why I would have ever sat with a riddle book and like done that by myself.

Like, when I could be like, oh, I could just play like Age of Empires 2 right now.

There's no reason for me to play like play riddles with myself.

I'm six letters, and my whole is creation.

Creation. God.

My whole is creation. Earth.

Space.

No.

Big bang.

It's not Big Bang, and it's not. Big Bang.
Okay. One of the things that this book says is

maybe this is the hint that I can provide you. It says, but one, two, and five took a giant leap.
So I will give you one, two, and five. Perfect.
One, two, and five took a giant leap.

I think you guys can actually get this one.

What takes a giant leap? Where have you heard that phrase before?

Moon, space landing.

That's one small step for mankind. Man.

So you got one, two, and five are man.

Man.

So MA blank blank in blank.

God damn, I have to write this down. Sorry, can you repeat that? M-A.

Blank, blank, in blank.

And now I'll give you this line. My one, two, four, and five are what it's all about.

Two.

Love. M-A

name.

Aaron.

I want to see you see. We're going to be doing a spelling beat.

You're going to get words. Adelaide are going to be the judges of the spelling beat.
We're going to keep giving you words, and you're going to keep spelling them absolutely incorrectly.

You're going to spell different words that we say correctly, but not the word that we say.

Your next word is pancreatic.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Could I have a definition, please?

Having to do with the pancreas.

A language of origin? Latin.

And can I hear it in a sentence? Your word is pancreatic. Thank you.

J

E

N

N

I

F

E

R

space

L

O

P E Z

Pancreatic. Jennifer Lopez, that is correct.

I'm feeling nervous about that. Should we get the...
Before the next contestant, should we get the microphone checked? Because

what did I? I heard her spell Jennifer Lopez. Rick, what did you hear? Pancreatic.
Right?

I guess so. I guess people would be making a bigger deal if she just came up there and spelled Jennifer Lopez.
Yeah, the audience seems to be pretty mild. Okay.

Okay. Is the peyote wearing off? I should be wearing off, right? It must be.
It must be. We did it.
Oh, do it. We did it 45 minutes ago.
It must be almost done.

We haven't said anything into the mic in 30 minutes.

Can I have my word? They're noticing.

Are you the same child or a different child? Different child. I'd like my word, please.
Can you prove it?

Looks over at the other child. Tell us something only a different child would know.
Yeah. I don't know how to spell the word they just spelled.
Does that matter? No, that checks out.

Yeah, that makes sense. I'm ready for my new word, please.
Your word is umbrella.

Don't make up words. Could I have a definition, please?

Oh, fuck, I made that word up.

Hey,

man,

look at that. What the hell is that? Some kind of

umbrella? Hey, he used it in a sentence. Language of origin?

Spanish. Great.

E

N N Y

space F R O M space

T H E space B L O C K

umbrella.

Oh, I wasn't listening. Did she say it? Jelly from the block.
That is correct.

Wait, now you are. You were supposed to say umbrella.
That's correct.

Oh.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Okay. Oh, no.
All right. Everybody thinks it's so funny to give the vice principal a peyote before they have something really important to do.
Wait, what?

Well, peyote is your word. It's a Wednesday.

Peyote Wednesdays. Peyote.
That's a thing. Taco Tuesdays, Peyote Wednesdays.
Peyote. Language of origin, please.
Desert. Jennifer Lopez.
We did a desert. Okay.

Key. K, wrong.

Eh, eh. Wrong.

You said K. I said, okay.

Oh, then that's correct. See.

So you have the M, you have M-A-N, while my one, two, four, and five are what it's all about.

M-A-blank in, and it's what it's all about. And does it stay in that order? So we're just looking for a word that

blank in. Many.
Many. What it's all about.
M-A-blank in. You're looking for it's a vowel, I'll say.
Manna. Main.

Main. It's the main.
Yeah, the main thing, what it's all about. Main, main.
So we were looking for the fifth letter.

No, you have the fifth letter. The fifth letter is in.

So the fourth letter is I.

And then my three, four, and five,

in family, we be.

So you don't have three, but you have, uh, you have I and N.

And kin. Okay.
So now you have one, two, three, four, and five. Would you like to solve the puzzle? I'm six letters and my goal is creation.
Yes, it is making.

Making creation. That was

exhausting. I'd like to see a scene.

JPC, you are God and you just created the earth in seven days. And Adel, you're his like

friend or partner and you're like wanting to go out to dinner but jpc you're too tired after creating everything

knock hey oh hey hey hey don't knock and then just come in sorry i was what did you create you whipped something across the room what was that

into your pile of clothes that you're going to hang up hey don't worry about it i'm in here creating the world i'm doing what you told me to do to create go create the world oh did I say that?

You said something like that. What do you want? What do you want? We have reservations at 8.
Oh my god. Yeah.
Tonight? Yes.

Well, can we cancel? No, it's Lucky Brand Steakhouse. They brand the beef with our names.
And

this is the dinner with your boss, your new boss. Yeah.

So please wear the robe with the tie. Listen,

God, we...

I can't.

Are you kidding me this has been on your calendar for

do we have a time system yet

um no i did i make one i think i made one on the sixth day

i guess it's what give me a name just what do you call it so i can yell it at you hey give me a fucking second okay wow do you know what i've just done wow first of all and there it is you're your father now you've turned into your father no wow

i am i am nothing like that thing

Okay.

He was basically one big bang. I'm a lot of little bangs spread over the course of seven days.

You know, sometimes when you run to the grocery store, I pop into your room and I've seen what you've created. A little world that worships you.
Oh, you've created a little world that worships you.

They have books about you. They praise your name.
They fall to their knees for you.

You're crazy. Little is actually subjective because it's actually super big to them.
I can't do this.

You can't do this?

I can't do this. Dad.
Oh, hey, honey. Can I go down to Earth and have dinner with my friends? You told them about Earth.
You told them about your friends. I want to go down there.

I want to be a carpenter and then I want to have dinner with my friends on one side of the table. My work is important, Helen, okay? My work is important.
So yeah, I told our son about my fucking job.

We're not fighting. We're acting, sweetie.

i'm gonna leave your dad look look at this look at this it's it's storming it's storming on earth now are you all happy you're doing that right that's you crying or something

or no it's you angry so i guess no i think it i think it rains when the old man is snoring

no dad you did a really good job and i bet you would never do anything to hurt me or humiliate me You would never send me down there and like have it be one big test where I die young and just so you you know, he's not yours.

He's Jeff's.

Your boss? Yeah. Your new boss? He's

for what? Six units of measure it? Yeah, whatever we used before I did that thing. Dad, have you invented video games? Because maybe I'll go play one of those.

Oh, you're going to love battle games. You're going to love Age of Empires, too.

See.

All right, let's do one more. These are horrible.

They're all very hard. I believe in you guys, though.
You guys guys are some of my best guys.

You can find me on your head, depending on how your tresses sprawl. I'm in seasons, but not in winter, spring, summer, or fall.
In your ears and in the earth, and yet I could be nowhere at all.

Hat, heat,

and that's where I bid you adieu. You did a lot of work.

Are those two right? Um,

cap, no,

hat, cap,

scarf, beanie.

You can find me on your head depending on how your tresses sprawl. I'm in seasons, but not in winter, spring, summer, or fall.

And you're all in the earth, and yet I could be nowhere at all. Is it in autumn?

No, it's it's not like in the word seasons, but it's in like the concept of a season.

But not the four seasons. Change.
Winter, spring, summer, or fall. Weather.

It's not weather. It's not change.
Let's see.

I don't think I'm not holding out hope, but I will check the hint section. I hope the hint section just says turn to page 68 or something like that.

Would not be helpful to you guys.

Okay. I mean, this is a pretty good hint.
It just says

where your torso is.

Waste.

Not waist.

You can find it in your head, depending on how your tresses sprawl.

My torso sits upon my

bottom, my

in your ear and in the earth. So it's a word that

has like this word works with ear, like blank ear and blank earth. I mean, E-A-R is in ear and earth, and it's not.

Swimmers.

Welcome to Swimmer's Earth.

Patrick Stewart. Yeah, and yet I could be nowhere at all.
That one's more opaque.

I think I know the first couplet. I don't think it's going to help you that that one won't help you.
Yeah, I think if you can get,

it's where your torso sits, so it's in relation to your body. This one just gets you directly to the answer.
Where does your torso sit in relation to your body? Middle. Okay, so the answer is middle.

Oh. Wow.

Oh. It just takes some time.

You can find me on your head depending on where your tresses tresses sprawl, like a mid-part.

I'm in seasons, but not in winter, spring, summer, or fall, the mid-season. And then

middle ear and middle earth.

Oh, of course. And yet I could be nowhere at all because the middle is not actually a place.
It's a concept.

The middle is a great name for a town somewhere, like in a book, like about a small town where something is amiss.

Also, great name for a Jimmy Eat World song.

Possibly a Jimmy Eat World album? No, I don't think so. I think just the song.
Yeah, I sang it earlier. Yeah, he sang it earlier.
It just takes some time, etc., etc., etc., etc.

Yeah, etc., etc. Okay, you guys did really great with these with these riddles.
I, I, you know what? I think you did better than you're giving yourself credit for. These were very, very difficult.

Yeah, they were. I do want to see a very quick scene based off Middle-earth.
Um,

Aaron, you have fallen into Middle-earth. Um, JPC, you're sort of like a Gandalf type, um, and you've come across too many

interesting strangers, and so you're not in the mood to put up with Aaron's questions or anything.

Wow. Hello.
This is... Wait, wait.
Are you a wizard?

Yeah, Jesus.

Are you drinking mead? Oh my god, this rocks. I'm sorry.

Sorry, I didn't even...

I wouldn't even have said anything. I thought you were...
I thought I knew you. I thought we had.
But now I'm looking at your address and you're obviously...

Shit. Oh my gosh, you're probably gonna send me on this like incredible journey where I'm gonna meet a bunch of friends.
I get my check. Ah.

Rutatook, I have been waiting for you to enter this tavern so I might smite. Oh!

Yeah, we have a... Yeah, it's a...
Oh, it's a cool. No, it's not part of it.
Wait, are you supposed to die in front of

my very eyes? And it's hard to end your journey. You have to do this to to me.
Do you become king? Glenn, you have to do this. Is there a prophecy about me? Today, of all days, you have to do this.

You have to find me here.

Well,

I'm getting kind of tired. Oh, Glenn's getting tired, everybody.
I'm Rudichuke the Wizard. Yes.
Rudichuke the Wizard. Yes.
Is there a prophecy about me? Sure, you want a quest?

Uh, okay, go find

the dragon. Uh...
Wait, who's this guy? Do we fight him? Punches him in the face.

That's Glenn. He's a waiter here.
Oh.

He was fucking with me. Yeah, go find the dragon.
Puff, let's call him. Not Puff.
Let's call him Puff. Puff the Dragon.
Yeah, go find Puff the Dragon and I guess slay him.

Slay him.

Make a mini fine coat out of his mini fine scales.

Make a many fine coat out of his many fine scales. And then the moral will be the lesson that you learned as well.
Wait, don't tell me, don't tell me, don't tell me. Okay, I want to be surprised.

You figure it out. And then I'm the king, and I'll have riches beyond my wildest dreams.
Why not? And I'll go back to my world and there'll be lesson upon lesson upon lesson that I have learned.

How have you not brought me the check yet? What are you doing? I got punched in the forest. Is this the dragon?

I'm going to put down three gold coins and I'm just going to walk.

Have you guys ever done that? Have you ever just like put down money at a table because for whatever reason the check was not being brought to you?

I thought that only happened in movies. Oh, I've done it before.

I've also walked out of a restaurant twice in my life where they brought drinks, took my order, and then just never came back. And I waited.

I'm like, I waited enough time that I'm like, I don't, at this point, I'm the sucker if I keep waiting here.

All right. Well, hey, speaking of that, what do you guys have to plug? Any favorite restaurants that you like to go to?

Come see Quality Time in Los Angeles if you are here. If you lived here, if you live here or you're visiting, you can follow us at quality time on Instagram.

And we have a different theme every month, and it's a different day. And I'm really proud of it, and it's a lot of fun.

Adult, do you have anything to plug or promote? Yeah, check out the podcasts,

gumshoes and dragons. Check out Hello from the Magic Tavern.
Check out the Word Association and check out our Patreon, Hey Riddle Riddle Patreon.

We have a lot of non-riddle content over there you might enjoy. JPC, anything to plug or promote?

Yeah, well, I mentioned it earlier in the episode, but we have new merch in the merch store for the holiday season.

Um, you can get some of our two of our favorite and most classic bits now immortalized in merch.

Uh, so check out our uh sweater merch from our classic sweater episode and our um Smacks the Frog, Please Don't Fuck My Mom

serial shirt. Uh, both of those are in our store.
You can go to heyriddleriddle.dashery.com or just click the link in the episode description if you want to check some of that out.

Um,

yeah, that's it for me.

Oh, Jupiter, I guess.

Logo created by Emily Cardamis and Emily Nevoris.

Must be figured or hey, Riddle Ridgel.

Hey there, good kings and winces lusses. If you like that, you are going to love this week's Patreon.
We bring you a Christmas pageant.

You can listen to that plus our entire back catalog at patreon.com/slash hayriddle riddle by joining the clue crew for $5 a month, or sorry, a seven-day free trial, or the review crew for $8 a month.

Plus, you get those out-of-free episodes. See you there.

That was a hit gum podcast.