Series 83 - 5. On the Buzzer

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

You join us this week on a visit to historic Bristol.

Known worldwide as the city where statues come to drown.

Acclaimed crime writer Agatha Christie was married in Bristol to the dashing airman Captain Archibald Christie on Christmas Eve 1914 at Emmanuel Church in Clifton following a brief but passionate courtship before the outbreak of war.

Agatha Christie is regarded as the best mystery author the world has ever known, but I think we all know who done it that evening.

Actor, writer and director Stephen Merchant was born in Bristol in 1974.

The six foot seven inch co-creator of The Office remembers an idyllic childhood growing up in the city and how he'd spend many hot summer's days dangling his feet in the cooling waters of the River Avon from his vantage point on the Clifton Suspension Bridge.

Opened in 1864, the Clifton Suspension Bridge was designed by Isambard Kingdom Brunel.

Sadly, Brunel never got to see the completion of his bridge as he was killed in an industrial accident in 1859.

He tripped on a loose girder and fell several feet into his own hat.

around about 1680, Edward Teach was born in Bristol and went on to become known as Blackbeard.

Blackbeard is considered responsible for the popular image we have of pirates today with his West Country accent, long beard, tricorn hat, and a parrot on his shoulder.

After a lifetime spent terrorizing the American East Coast, Blackbeard was eventually killed by British naval forces off the coast of North Carolina.

And as an example to others, his body was subsequently hung, drawn and twice quartered into what his parrot later described as pieces of eight

let's meet the teams

on my left please welcome Rachel Parris and Henning Vane

and on my right Valve Chupp and Adrian Evanson

and taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Well, we begin this week with a round that's all about adverts.

A misplaced letter on its packaging can be ruinous to the success of a product.

Just think of the disastrous sales figures for Waitrose's essential full-fat MILF.

Likewise, the addition of a single word to a product's advertising strapline can spell disaster for the manufacturers.

So, teams, in this round, I'd like you please to suggest advertising slogans ruined by the addition of a single word.

You can start this one, Miles.

Regrettably, mum's gone to Iceland.

Aid.

A finger of fudge is just enough to give your kidnapper a treat.

Rachel.

Just do it later.

And Henning.

Have a breakdown, have a kid, Kat.

Once you pop, you can't stop oozing.

Probably the 30th best lager in the world.

The ultimate drink driving machine.

Snap, crackle, pop, house fire.

The future's bright.

The future's orange man baby.

Burger King, have it your way.

Cold.

A dog is for life, not just just for Christmas dinner.

Ronseil, thus almost exactly what it says on the team.

Bisto.

Ah, Christ.

It's good to talk, bollocks.

Well, it's time for a musical round now, now as I ask the teams to sing one song to the tune of another.

Of course, you'd have to be a complete comedy novice not to know how this round works.

So, teams, this is how it works.

Try to imagine the round in terms of a South African diamond mine, with the game itself as the mine, the different tunnels beneath the ground as the lyrics, and the diamonds as the tune.

While the diamonds or tune remain constant, different tunnels or lyrics are dug in order to unearth them.

In other words, one song to the tune of another.

So far, so good.

But the poor workers not only have to contend with the constant noise of drilling, they're also weighed in and out of the mine to ensure they haven't stolen anything.

What a life.

Imagine having to put up with an appalling background racket and the regular abuse of those minor scales.

Which reminds me, at the piano, we have Colin Sow.

Incidentally, Colin recalls a particularly happy time in his life playing with the small faces, or as his wife calls them, the grandchildren.

Okay, we'll start with you, Miles Jupp.

I'd like you to sing the words of sexual healing by Marvin Gaye to the tune of Somewhere Over the Rainbow.

Oh,

baby, I'm hot,

just

like an oven.

I need

some loving hand, baby, I can't hold it much longer.

It's getting stronger and stronger when I get that feeling.

I want sexual healing.

Sexual healing, oh baby

makes me feel so fine, helps to relieve my mind.

Sexual healing, baby

is good for me.

Sexual healing is something that's good for me.

Whenever bloods

are

falling, and my emotional stability

is leaving me, there's there's something I can do.

I can call you up, baby.

Okay, your turn now, Aide Edmondson.

I'd like you to sing the words of the lonely goat herd from the sound of music to the tune of Fix You by Coldplay.

High on the hill was a lonely goat

Leon

Leo

Loud was the voice of the lonely goat

Leono

Once in a town that was quite remote

Lady O'Dale,

Lady Leo

Lustly and clear from the goat herd's throat

Lady O'Neill

Liomio

Lula.

I think we've all learnt something.

Not sure what.

Your turn now, Henning.

And I'd like you to sing the words of the wheels on the bus

to the tune of, and hopefully you can get it right this time, the German national anthem.

The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round and round and round.

The wheels on the bus go round and round,

all around

the town.

The vipers

on the bus go: swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish, swish.

The vipers on the bus

go

swish, swish, swish, all around the town.

The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep, beep.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

The horn on the bus goes beep, beep, beep.

I'm sure you've made the German people very proud tonight.

And finally, Rachel Parris, I'd like you to sing the words of Wannabe by the Spice Girls to the tune of Hallelujah by Leonard Cohen.

Yo, I'll tell you what I want,

what I really,

really want.

So tell me what you want,

what you really, really

want.

I'll tell you what I want, what what I really,

really, really want.

So tell me what you want,

what you really, really want.

I wanna,

I wanna,

I wanna,

I wanna really

wanna

zigga zigga

If you want my future

Forget my past

If you wanna get with me you'd better make it fast

I'll tell you what I want what I really

really really want

So tell me what you want, what you really, really want.

I wanna

hide,

I wanna, hide,

I wanna high,

I wanna, really

wanna say good day, God.

Thank you, Rachel.

Well, our next round is a quick-fire quiz called On the Buzzer.

So, get ready, teams.

Here come the questions.

What noise do bees make?

And Buzz is the right answer.

Point to Miles there.

First finger on the buzzer.

Well done, Miles.

Next question.

What was the first name of the second man on the moon?

Buzz Aldrin, of course.

Well done, Rachel.

In World War II, Germany's V-1 rockets were commonly known as Watt bombs.

That's right, A, they were buzz bombs, of course.

And can you tell me the first name of Woody's astronaut friend in Toy Story?

Bad luck, Henning.

It was Buzz.

Buzz Lightyear.

I know that, but I haven't got a buzzer.

I don't make the rules, Henning.

Next question.

Circular saw is often referred to as a Wattsaw.

Yes, Miles, it is, of course, as a buzz saw.

Very perceptive answer.

Enjoy your reasoning as well.

Well done.

And a crew-cut hairstyle is sometimes known as a what-cut.

A buzz cut?

Yes, it is.

Rachel, you certainly know your hairstyles, don't you?

In a room full of people filled with eager anticipation, the atmosphere is said to what with excitement.

No, Henning, the answer is buzz with excitement.

Buzz as in buzzer, not ting-a-ling.

I'm sure, Jake, I'm sure I've heard English people say they're ting-a-ling-ing with excitement.

I mean, it's not my first language.

Oh, look, Henning, if you're not going to take this seriously, you know.

It's not my fault.

Oh, it's not your fault, is it?

Whose fault is it?

Capitalism?

Nice Jerry, who sets up the microphones and connects the buzzers?

When nice Jerry gave me a bill.

I'm sorry about this, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, can somebody please give Henning a buzzer, like the others?

Since if he doesn't get one, he's clearly going to keep spoiling it for everyone else.

Thank you.

Right, okay.

Ready?

On with the fun.

Thank you.

Good.

In the wedding ceremony, the groom says, with this what I the wed.

No, Henning.

The answer is ring.

Well, no points to Henning on that.

On to the next round.

Well, this next round is called The Symptoms, and it's all about the world of medicine.

In this round, the teams will assume the role of doctors and patients suffering from an imaginary medical condition, and you can be our first patient's miles and aide.

And the identity of your mystery medical condition is now being displayed to the audience via the laser display screen and the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Miles and Adrian think they're Greek statues.

Miles and Adrian think they're Greek statues.

So off you go, please.

Miles and aid.

Hello, can we help you?

Yes, well, you see, I'm feeling rather stiff.

Oh, dear.

And people are saying that I'm looking very pale.

And I I feel cold.

I'm wondering if that's why I look so small, you know.

Just, you know, down

there.

You're lucky.

Mine's fallen off.

But people still say I look myself, you know, which is a relief.

I mean, I do get told I have classic good looks, you know, finely chiseled features.

They seem to run in the family.

Well, you're certainly a chip off the old block.

The worst thing is, people keep taking advantage of us.

Yes, I have been shaton most of my life.

The upshot, doctors, is that we're both feeling very old and rather distressed.

That's right, and I think we might be losing our marbles.

What do you think?

Well, I think we think you think your statues

marble statues

Greek statues.

Okay.

Well, now it's your turn to be patients, Rachel and Henning.

And you've been summoned into the surgery of Doctors Miles and Aid.

And the identity of your mystery medical condition will now be displayed to the audience via the laser display board.

While here again is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Rachel and Henning think they're desktop printers.

Rachel and Henning think they're desktop printers.

Okay.

Well, look, I'm just very on and off.

At work, I sometimes find it hard to perform even the simplest of tasks.

Yeah, and I don't feel good either, doctors.

I've got no colour.

I am wondering if I might have early-onset menopause.

I keep overheating.

And I did have a smear test recently, and it got a bit messy.

My problem is, I'm being worked very hard.

I'm never out of the office.

I hope I'm not heading for another breakdown.

I spend a lot of time on my own, but I'm not very good at networking.

I find it very hard to connect.

I feel I could do with a complete reset.

Yeah, I'm worried about my brother.

His work's really dried up.

I'm concerned he might have got himself into a bit of a jam.

Copy that.

In terms of intimacy, things are fine.

Certainly, my drive's still there.

I'm very easily turned on, although the other day, this bloke put something irregular in my drawers.

Doctors, we've actually sought help before, but neither of us are responding to tablets or anything else for that matter.

My insides aren't right.

I know, and when you've got to go, you've got to go.

And the worst is when you're ready to go and it's urgent and you find you've run out of paper.

Nightmare.

We think you're a printer.

Well, it's now time for a round, which is all about the world of broadcasting.

Not only do young people these days not bother with anything that isn't broadcast on social media, they also have very short attention spans.

Last Christmas, when I suggested to my kids that we sit down together and watch that British classic, Chariots of Fire, all they wanted to know was the running time.

I said it's basically all the way through.

Now, the people whose job it is

Now, the people whose job it is to come up with ideas for radio and TV shows can be remarkably lazy with their programme titles.

So I'll ask the teams to assume the role of continuity announcers, introducing examples of programmes where the content has been contrived to suit what someone thought would make a clever title.

Miles, you can start.

Next on Channel 5, a new reality show which seeks to rank every vicar in the UK according to size.

That's all preachers great and small.

Chapter 5.

Rachel.

On BBC Two shortly, more classic drama as an Edwardian gentleman attempts to trace the family tree of his former personal servant Stavros.

That's how Greek was my valet.

At nine o'clock on BBC Two, the latest episode in our our series examining the underpants of famous psychologists.

This week it's the young ones.

Next up, Jeremy Irons tells the story of a wealthy young man trying to fix the face of his metal fiancée before the big day.

Embright's head re-riveted.

On ITV2 this afternoon, there's fun for all the family when chaos hits a gambling mecca on the Cote d'Azur following the arrival of a mischievous sexually transmitted disease.

That's Herpes Goes to Monte Carlo.

ITV2.

Coming up later on, too, Alice Roberts is blown away as she explores ancient lay-bys and the sordid habits of Neanderthal men in her new series, Dogging for Britain.

And now here on ITV, in a sequel to the last popular series, Jeremy Irons gets over the loss of his metal wife by stamping her cranium into the ground in Bright's Head Redivoted.

Next on HBO, an eerie thriller in which President Trump stays at a luxury resort but forgets to pack fake tan.

That's the white POTUS.

On Channel 4, later tonight, celebrities are given the task of identifying ancient Russian rulers whose bodies have been cryogenically frozen.

So at 10 o'clock, that's Czars in their ice on Channel 4.

Coming up next, and with scenes that some viewers may find distressing, a searching documentary about the difficult choices men face between cool and fresh boxes, high-waist briefs, modal stretched trunks and cotton-rich hipsters.

That's 24 hours in M ⁇ S.

Time to watch Ray and Dave Davis, Mick Avery and Peter Quave arm wrestle all day and all of the night to find out who's the weakest kink.

On ITB2 next, a welcome return of a popular nautical drama, this time set on the high seas surrounding the enchanted kingdom of Narnia, where an impetuous captain is accused of committing an act of public indecency with Mr.

Tumnus.

That's Thornblower over

ITB2.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

But there is just time to fit in a quick round of West Country Film Club.

Samantha's a great admirer of West Country chef Hugh Fernie Whittingstall, so was delighted to accept an invitation to River Cottage, where he was keen to demonstrate the quality of Gloucester Oldspot pork mince and how there's no better apple than the local orange pippin for Scrumpy.

And having experienced his exceptional pork sausage insider, she's now convinced that Dorset Cocks are best.

Our thanks to Dame Darcy Bussell for sending that one in.

Who'd have thought?

Anyway, in this round, teams, I'd like you please to suggest the titles of films likely to prove popular in the West Country.

You can start this one, Aide.

24-hour pasty people.

Rachel.

The way we Wurzel.

Annie.

The Jovil Wersprada.

And Miles.

Die Chard.

Straight out of Plimpton.

Newton Abbott and Costello.

Minehead Revisited.

Bill and Ted's Exeter Adventure.

Dial M Phi for murder.

Panic Froom.

Lundy, bloody Lundy.

Indiana Jones and the Temple Meads of Doom.

Tall Bay Watch

in Bedminster with Madonna.

Bring me the portis head of Alfredo Garcia.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the tenacious ticks of time tuck into the docile daxund of destiny and the common clothes moths of mortality munch upon the coveted cashmere cardigan of calamity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the team, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Bristol, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Heading Bay, Miles Jupp, Rachel Paris, and Abe Edmondson were being given silly things to do by Jack D, with Colin Sell setting some of them to muting.

The program consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick.

And the producer was John Maismith.