Series 83 - 1. I Hear With My Little Ear

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack D.

Hello

and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue.

You join us this week on a visit to Manchester.

The world's first passenger railway station opened in Manchester's Liverpool Road in 1830 before moving to its current site in 1847.

What's funny about that?

Today Manchester Piccadilly hosts cross-country and long-distance intercity services to many national destinations and every other Saturday it transports thousands of disappointed Manchester United fans back to London.

This year Manchester United unveiled plans to build a new stadium next to Old Trafford.

Costing £2.6 billion and with a capacity of £100,000, the new stadium has been commended for its ergonomic use of space.

For example, the pitch can double as a performance space for concerts, the media hub can double double as a high-tech conference space, and the trophy room can double as a broom cupboard.

Noel and Liam Gallagher are from the Longsight area of Manchester.

Interestingly, the brothers were both exactly £8 when they were born, although in just 12 hours this increased to £149

due to dynamic pricing.

In 1904, Charles Rawls and Henry Royce met in Manchester's Midland Hotel.

Two years later, Rolls-Royce was founded.

Coincidentally, at a neighbouring table, a similar first meeting was happening between legendary biscuit makers Alfred Jammy and Isambard Dodger.

Manchester's Bridgewater Hall from where we are broadcasting today is home home to a magnificent £1.2 million concert organ, which I'm told boasts an extraordinary 76 stops.

To find anything with more stops than that, you'd need to catch the Yvante West Coast train to Macclesfield.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Gary Delaney and Rory Bremner.

And on my left, Pippa Evans and Tony Hawkes.

And taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring please welcome the ever delightful Samantha

well we begin this week with a round that's all about films Hollywood loves making money so with the new administration in the White House producers have rebranded several classic movies to appeal to MAGA voters amongst the favourites are all the president's yes Men,

The Man Who Knew Too Little,

and To Russia with Love.

Even the smallest addition can mean a substantial change to a movie.

So, teams, in this round, I'd like you please to suggest films likely to be ruined by the simple addition of a letter R to their titles.

Rory, you can start this, please.

Fantastic breasts and where to find them.

Carry on cramping.

Gary, the lady varnishes.

And Tony, Angela's rashes.

A fish called Rwanda.

This is an Australian franchise.

Rosemary's Barbie.

Pirates of the Caribbean are

Watership Drown.

Fly me to the moron.

Time now for a musical round as I ask the teams to sing one song to the tune of another.

Providing piano accompaniment, we have Colin Sell.

Incidentally, admirers of heavy rock might be interested to know that Colin has spent the last 18 months playing keyboards in the darkness.

What a relief it must be to have those cataracts finally fixed.

Okay, start with you.

Rory Bremner, I'd like you to sing the words of Common People by pulp to the tune of George Formby's When I'm Cleaning Windows.

Now she came from Greece, she had a thirst for knowledge, she studied sculpture at St.

Martin's College.

That's where I caught her eye.

She told me that her dad was loaded.

I said, in that case, I'll have a rum and Coca-Cola.

She said, fine, and then in 30 seconds' time, she said, I wanna live like common people.

I wanna do whatever

common people do.

Wanna sleep with common people?

I wanna sleep with common people.

Pull like you.

Well, what else could I do?

I said, I'll see what I can do.

I took to a supermarket, didn't I, mother?

But I had

to start it somewhere, so it started there.

I said, Pretend you got no money.

She just laughed and said, Oh, you are so funny.

Turn out nice again.

You now, Gary Delaney, I'd like you to sing the words of Brown Girl in the Ring by Boney M to the tune of Lou Reed's Perfect Day.

Brown Girl in the Ring,

Tra la la la la.

There's a brown girl in the ring.

Tra la la

Brown girl in the ring

Tra la la la la

She looks like a sugar in a plum Plum plum

Show me your motion

Tra la la la la

Come on, show me your motion, tra la la la la la

looks like a sugar in a plum

plum plum

finally Bridgewater Hall gets someone who can actually sing

Your turn now Tony Hawks.

I'd like you to sing the words of Guests by Charlie XCX to the tune of Underneath the Arches by Flanagan and Alan.

You wanna guess the colour

of my underwear?

You wanna know what I

got going on down there?

Is it pretty in pink,

or or is it all see-through?

Is it showing off my

brand new

lower back tattoo?

Put them in

your mouth, pull them all down south.

You wanna turn this shit out?

That's what I'm talking about.

Try it, bite it, lick it.

Spit it, pull it to the side, and get

all up in it.

And finally, Pippa Evans, I'd like you to sing the words of the Hokie Koki to the tune of Without You by Mariah Carey and Harry Nelson and others.

You put your left arm in,

you put your left arm out,

inner, inner, shake it all about.

You do the hokey cokey and you turn around.

That's what it's all about.

You put your right arm in,

you put your right arm out

In, out, in, out, shake it all about.

You do the hokey cokey, and you turn around.

That's what it's all about.

The hokey coke game.

the hookie coke,

the hookie coke came

outstretched round

the business.

Is that it then?

Well this next round is called I Hear With My Little Ear and as you may have guessed it's a radio version of the children's playground favourite five card stud.

Right, the teams will hear a series of sounds, and it'll be their job to correctly guess what it is they're hearing and begin their answer with the words, I hear with my little ear.

So, here we go with the first sound, please, Ronson.

Who's Ronson?

Well, he's our sound effects engineer.

Oh, is he the big guy who used to work at Broadcasting House?

Ah, no, you're thinking of Mike.

Ronson's a little lighter.

The first sound effects, please.

Rory.

Is it a kettle?

It is a kettle.

But unfortunately, I didn't hear with my little ear you saying I hear with my little ear.

So I'm afraid I can't allow any points.

Next sound, please, Ronson.

Gary.

I hear with my little ear.

Cellotape.

Well done, Gary, for being the first player to remember to say I hear with my little ear.

One point for me.

No because it was actually masking tape.

Next sound please.

Yeah Rory.

I hear with my little ear a lawnmower?

No,

it's not a lawnmower.

It is in fact Colin arriving in his car this afternoon.

On we go, next sound please.

Rory.

I hear with my little ear a bush.

Well, obviously, yes, but for the point I need to know who exactly is in the bush.

Okay, can I hear it again?

Yeah.

Is it Russell?

Yes, it is Russell.

Well done.

Well done, Pippa.

And I'm sure you did hear that with your little ear, so I'll take that as red.

Well done, well done Pippa.

How about this one?

Gary.

I hear with my little ear, is it a jaguar?

No, it's a leopard.

Next one.

I hear with my little ear a jaguar.

Yes, that is a jaguar, correct.

Well done again, Pippa.

Really putting the rest of them to shame, aren't you?

Well done.

How about this one?

I hear with my little ear a harp being played.

Jack?

I said, I hear with my little ear the sound of a harp being played.

Sorry, I was miles away.

Jack, just before you go on, I should have had a wee before I came on.

I need to go.

Can I nip it?

No, no, you can't.

Be professional.

Here's another sound effect.

Anyone?

Anyone?

No?

Let's play it again, shall we?

Any guesses?

Tony, something you want to say?

Yeah, I really need a wee, Jack.

I'm sorry, you can't go.

Just tie a knot in it.

I can tell you that it's actually a mountain spring trickling down a rocky hillside.

Trickle, trickle, trickle.

Right, let's see what we've got for you next.

Gary.

I hear with my little ear a lion roaring.

Ah, no, the correct answer is the start of any film made by Metro-Goldwyn-Mayer.

What happened there, Ronson?

No, that was me.

Sorry, Jack.

Oh, Tony.

Yes, please, Ronson.

I hear with my little ear the start of any film made by J.

Arthur Rank.

Nice tri-pipper, so close, it's actually the gong that tells us it's the end of the game.

Well, this next game is all about words.

The words we use for place names are fascinating.

In France, there's a town called Condom.

In Arizona, there's a town called Y.

There's even a town in Australia called Bald Knob.

Coincidentally, there's a Baldknob in the UK located just outside Ashworth in Kent.

He used to present Master Chef.

Okay, the teams will now take it in turns to improvise some written correspondence with two players providing one word each at a time.

And the subject of your correspondence today will be an issue of concern to the good people of Manchester.

So, audience, can I have suggestions, please, of any causes of complaint that have been troubling the local community?

A problem

Are you heard of Northern Trains?

Is it Northern Trains?

Okay, and so who would be responsible for Northern Trains?

Is it just the CEO of Northern Trains?

Probably no one.

Evidently.

And what is your name, sir?

Rob.

Okay, would you like a job writing?

So, I'd like you to start composing a letter of complaint from Rob to the CEO of Northern Trains, and that's from Rory and Gary.

And then Pippa and Tony will come up with a reply.

So, off you go, please.

Rory and Gary.

Dear no one,

I am writing with a

pen

to

make a furious complaint, your

service is

crap.

Frequently, I am standing crying on the station here,

waiting for a

train.

I'm going to say in in my defence, I was acting out the drama of waiting for a train.

Why

on earth are you

in business?

If you do not improve, I will

get my gun

and motivate

your staff

yours

apologetically

Rob

Dear Rob.

What a

attitude

Bitch,

should

you ever write to me like that again, I'll come round your house and get pissed.

Trains aren't about

moving.

They're about living.

Rob,

you threatened me with gun.

That is against my principles.

So I'm replying thus.

Sorry.

Lots of love,

Mr

C E O.

The next game is a musical one entitled Song Stoppers.

In this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs.

It's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

At the piano, we have Colin Sell.

Incidentally, Colin once wrote to the great Sir Simon Rattle offering him a complimentary seat in the dress circle at one of Colin's theatre recitals.

Sir Simon was kind enough to reply, saying that he'd actually prefer to be in a box, ideally velvet-lined with brass handles.

Okay, you can go first.

Rory and Gary, can we have your medley of first lines, please?

Hello?

Is there anybody in there?

Yep, I'd give it five minutes if I were you.

If I were to say to you, can you keep a secret?

Would you know just what to do or where to keep it?

I'd probably take it to Mar-a-Lago.

Move, bitch, get out the way.

Get out the way, bitch, get out the way.

Move, bitch, get out the way.

Get out the way, bitch, get out the way.

We apologize for some of the language in our coverage of crofts.

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens.

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens.

Brown paper packages tied up with string.

I'm putting 25% tariffs on all of those.

I am the god of hellfire

and I give you

Teslas.

Your turn now, Pippa and Tony.

Can we have your first line medleys, please?

I believe in miracles.

Where are you from?

You sexy thing?

Halifax.

When are you gonna

come down?

Soon as I find the box with the Christmas lights.

It's time to try

defying gravity.

I think I'll try defying gravity.

Captain, your microphone's still on.

Time goes by

so slowly.

Time goes by

so slowly.

Time goes by

so slowly.

And frankly, this isn't helping.

I'm so excited,

I just can't hide it.

Put it away, Tony.

The sun will come out tomorrow.

You've not been to Manchester before.

Well,

it's very nearly the end of the show.

But to honour Manchester as the home of the vegetarian movement in the UK, there is just time to fit in a quick round of vegetarian film club.

Incidentally, green-fingered Samantha has her own vegetable garden where each year she cultivates okra from seed with the aid of a gentleman gardener friend.

After watching him prick out in the greenhouse, she usually joins him in the raised bed, where after a preparatory fork, she plants her lady's fingers in every hole.

And our thanks go to Dame Joan Bakewell for that one.

Anyway, in this round, teams, I'd like you please to suggest the titles of films likely to be enjoyed by an audience of vegetarians.

Rory, you can start.

The Texas Chainsaw Brassica.

Pippa.

The Lambshank Rejection.

Gary.

Children of the corn

and Tony.

The last temptation of Christ, that bacon looks good.

Monty Python and the holy kale.

Twelve hungry men.

Meat-free in St.

Louis.

Debbie does salad.

Lentil.

Whatever happened to baby carrots.

The man in the iron-deficient mask.

Mrs.

Sprout fire.

Rear wind.

Oh.

Tofu Panda.

Meet

the fuckers.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the turkey twizzlers of time are fed to the pensioners of posterity, while the trans fats of fate slowly clog the arteries of eternity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Manchester, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Barry Delaney, Tony Hawks, Pippa Evans, and Rory Brenner were being given silly things to do by Jack Dee with Provencel setting some of them to music.

The program consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick.

And the producer was John Maismith.