Series 83 - 2. Marching Time

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue you join us this week on a visit to Manchester

which regularly records the heaviest rainfall in the UK.

In fact, according to the Met Office's International Wetness Scale, Manchester places exactly between Equatorial Guinea and Sakir Starma.

In 1830, the Duke of Wellington opened the world's first passenger railway here.

The Manchester to Liverpool line is still one of the busiest routes in the northwest, and every day dozens of Mancunians make the 40-minute journey to Liverpool for shopping, sightseeing and retrieving stolen mountain bikes.

Manchester's famous Curry Mile on the Wimslow Road is home to a huge collection of Indian restaurants and takeaways.

The Curry Mile is actually only half a mile long.

It just feels like a mile when you're desperately trying to make it back to your house in time.

It's not for nothing that the area is called Rush Home.

It's believed as many as 200 languages are spoken in Manchester.

Well 201 if you count whatever it is that Bez from Happy Monday speaks.

Professors Novozilov and Geem won a Nobel Prize for developing graphene at the University of Manchester.

Graphene is the world's thinnest substance, the width of a single carbon atom.

It's thought the pair were inspired to create their super thin material after stopping at a services on the M62 in Yorkshire and examining the filling of their ham sandwich.

But they're not alone in peddling a line of unbelievably thin material.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Gary Delaney and Rory Bremner.

And on my left, Hipper Evans and Tony Hawkes.

And taking his place on the scoring desk next to me, please welcome our resident Tree Trunk in Trunks, the Immaculate Sven.

Well, we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms.

For example, many don't understand the difference between certain specialist terms, such as belt sander and angle grinder.

Well, belt sander refers to a sanding machine that uses an abrasive belt to smooth surfaces, usually wood, whereas angle grinder is a dating app for geometry enthusiasts.

But the meanings of words are constantly changing, teams.

So, your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Pepe, you can start this.

Misconception: teenage pregnancy.

Gary.

Turrets, the part of a castle where you go to swear.

Rory.

Bishoprick.

Annoying clergyman.

Tony.

Sea lion.

Something that gets the creases out of seals.

Hippocampus, the part of the brain used to imagine what it would look like if hippos went to university.

Netanyahu, an Israeli search engine.

Twerking, what a Yorkshire does to earn top wages.

Terse.

What a Geordie has at the end of his feet.

Jocular, Scottish vampire.

Pilot whale, the first ever whale.

Tendentious.

Five pairs of false teeth.

Simeon, a state of semi-arousal caused by watching monkeys have sex.

Good Girati.

Lucky you like painting.

Okay, well, the teams are going to sing along to some well-known songs now in the round called Pick Up Song.

In this round, Sven will spin the discs, and each of you teams will sing along to your records until Sven turns the music down.

If, on its return, you're within a gnat's crotchet of the original, I'll be awarding points.

And points mean a frankly stomach-churning exercise in the denial of independent thought.

What do points mean?

Yes, and this week's prize is the perfect high-fidelity system for your classic flying car.

It's this chitty-chitty bang bang and all of some

Gary, you can start and I'd like you to accompany Manchester band, the Bee Gees, singing Stayin' Alive.

You can't tell by the way I use my walk and I'm warming.

I'm okay.

You may look the other way.

We can't try to understand the New York Times effect on man.

Whether you're a brother or whether you're a mother, you're staying alive, staying alive.

Feel the city breaking and everybody shaking.

And we're staying alive, staying alive.

Staying alive, staying alive.

Okay, your next Rory, I'd like you to accompany Manchester band 10cc

singing Dreadlock Holiday.

I was walking down the street,

concentrating on drug and light.

I heard a dark voice beside of me,

and I looked round in a state of fright.

I saw four faces, one mad, a brother from the gutter.

They looked me up and down a bit and turned to each other.

I say, I don't like cricket.

Oh no,

I love it.

I don't like cricket.

Oh no,

I love it.

Don't you walk through my words?

Got to show some respect.

I don't know what you're clapping.

It was miles out.

You now, Tony, would you accompany Manchester Band Take That?

Singing Back for Good.

I guess now it's time

for me to give up.

I feel it's time.

Got a picture of you beside me.

Got that lipstick mark still on your coffee cup.

Oh yeah.

Got a fist of pure emotion.

Got a head of shattered dreams.

Gotta leave it, gotta leave it all behind now.

Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn't mean it.

I just want you back for good.

Whenever I'm wrong, just tell me this song and I'll sing it.

You'll be right and understood.

I want you back for good.

I want you back for good.

Thank you.

And finally, Pippa, in celebration of the announcement of his official playlist, your song has been chosen by none other than His Majesty King Charles, who I'm delighted to say has recorded for us this special message.

Thank you so much.

for inviting me to choose a pickup song for your show.

This is one I used when I picked up Camilla.

Great thing is, whenever you hear it, you just can't help wanting to get up and dance.

It's Omio Bambino Caro

by Puccini,

sung by Kiri Takano.

pon ti

ma pot

horni

ilormi warm

Okay, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Sherads.

In our version of Sheradz, team members are permitted the use of their voices.

Pippa and Tony, you're to start, please, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here's the mystery voice.

Whose line is it anyway?

Whose line is it anyway?

Okay, off you go, Pippa and Tony.

Right, this is a TV show.

It's got five words.

Okay.

I really must insist you remove your petticoat and take down those knickers.

I beg your pardon.

And that blouse and stockings.

But I've only just hung them out to dry.

Ah, that's as maybe, madam.

But this is my garden.

It should be quite obvious to anyone that one end of the cord is tied to my house and the other to my tree.

Both on my side of the hedge.

But I always hang my washing here.

Not anymore, you don't.

You can't stop me.

Can't I?

Then answer me one simple question.

Okay, so obviously it's a line.

Yep.

Yep.

And we have to decide whose it is.

Whose line is it anyway?

Yes.

Okay, it's your turn, Rory and Gary.

Your title is now being exhibited on the laser display board.

And here again is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Ice Age.

Ice Age.

So it's a film?

Yeah.

And it's two words.

Film, two words.

Hey, Opalbadia.

You're making your famous stuffing?

Aye.

I couldn't trouble you for the ingredients, could I?

Aye.

I assume you must start with an onion.

Aye, onion.

And a clove of garlic?

Aye, garlic.

Breadcrumbs?

Aye, breadcrumbs.

And maybe an egg to bind it?

Aye, egg.

And finally, sage?

Aye.

He didn't want to say Sage again, did he?

Not after I.

No, he didn't.

Otherwise, he would have said I sage.

Sage.

Okay.

The next game's a new one called marching time.

In these troubled times, people seem to have lost their sense of pride.

Well, we've all seen movies where a platoon is marching along chanting a rousing chorus, raising their spirits and bigging themselves up.

so now we're going to try out some marching chants for other occupations the formula is a call and response between the two teams and the marching feet are provided by the king's own grenadier guards so it's up two three four and let's hear those marching feet please

Right, I'll call out the name of each team in turn together with the name of a different occupation or group after which you teams will begin your chant.

And the first up is Rory and Gary.

And you, Rory and Gary, will be the Greater Manchester Police.

We're the police force, we solve crime.

We're the police force, we solve crime.

Thanks for dialing 999.

Thanks for dialing 999.

There's no one here to man the phone.

There's no one here to man the phone.

Leave a message at the dome.

Leave a message at the tone.

Okay, your turn now, Tony and Pippa.

and

you will be supermarket self-checkout supervisors.

Standing, watching all of you.

Standing watching all of you.

Scan every other item through.

Scan every other item through.

To stop you stealing, I'll get tough.

To stop you, stealing, I'll get tough.

I don't get paid enough.

I don't get paid enough.

Back to you, Rory and and Gary, and you'll be former mock the week panelists.

Once on TV, I was hot.

Once on TV, I was hot.

In my 50s, now I'm not.

In my 50s, now I'm not.

All the kids think I'm a bore.

All the kids think I'm a bore.

So here I am on radio four.

So here I am on radio four.

You now, Tony and Pippa, and you are gentle parents.

One, two, three, four.

Gentle parenting's the way.

Gentle parenting's the way.

Never shouting, not today.

Never shouting, not today.

Though I discipline with grace,

I want to punch them in the face.

You again, Rory and Gary, and you'll be Tesla owners.

Out of range, the battery's dead.

Out of range, the battery's dead.

Now we're walking home instead.

Now we're walking home instead.

To save the earth, we took a punt.

To save the earth, we took a punt.

But it turned out, Elon, it wasn't nice.

And finally, Tony and Pippa, you are proctologists.

We look at your rectal issues.

We look at your rectal issues.

We've got loads of luban tissues.

We've got loads of luban tissues.

If it hurts, please be aware.

If it hurts, please be aware.

I may have left my watch up there.

I may have left my watch up there.

Well, it's now time for a round that's all about the world of broadcasting, which seems to announce a new program commission daily.

For example, Amazon Prime have announced a new reality show in which a disagreeable, borish man suffers a midlife crisis, leaves his wife, and with no relevant experience or qualifications, opens a chemist shop, then grumbles how it doesn't make any money.

It's called Clarkson's Pharmacy.

Now the people whose job it is to come up with ideas for radio and TV shows can be remarkably lazy with their program titles.

So I'll ask the teams to assume the role of continuity announcers, introducing examples of programmes where the content has been contrived to suit what someone thought would make a clever title.

Tony, you can start.

Coming up next on BBC One, the crime drama, set on a well-known Scottish archipelago, now sadly polluted by sewage discharge.

That's shit land tonight at nine.

Gary.

Coming up next, it's the crossover you never knew you needed.

Ocean's 11 meets Radio 4.

But controversy strikes as the charismatic lead is replaced by Jack D in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Cluny.

Rory.

Later on Radio 4, a new series in which Kirstie Lang travels to each region of the UK in an attempt to find the country's finest sperm bank.

That's Round Britain Giz this Friday at 11.30.

On ITV at 8 o'clock, mystery guests sing songs while wearing elaborate masks before a celebrity jury attempts to guess which is the least attractive.

That's the masked minger at 8 o'clock.

Next on ITV, a new game show, giving contestants a chance to win any of an amazing selection of pantyliners.

That's the sale of the sanitary.

Coming up next, Chris Hemsworth is back in the Marvel crossover that's also a sequel to Frozen.

Thor.

A fantasy epic on BBC now with a tale spanning multiple worlds in which a threatening godlike figure suffers several bouts of sexually transmitted infections.

That's his dark venereals, BBC.

Next on BBC2, Dara O'Breen is back as the host of the quickfire topical panel show for Chinese cannibals who eat the shy.

It's Wok the Meek.

You can hear the footsteps of me going all round the houses to get to that one.

Well, it's now time to play a game called Exam or Bedroom.

We all know the secret to exam success is intensive preparation, be it a driving test or a maths exam.

Our own Rory Bremner is telling us only last week how he sailed through a recent test.

He emerged exhausted but triumphant from his rigorous prostate exam, albeit after 24 hours of intensive cramming.

Well, teams, in this round, I'd like you to come up with phrases that might be suitable to use both in the bedroom and during an exam.

You can start, Gary.

Turn over now, please.

Tony.

Is this the common entrance?

Miss Wilson showed us this last term.

Excuse me, when I'm finished, I'm allowed 15 minutes on my own.

No one told me this would be in there.

Can I put my hand up?

If you're feeling nervous, just remember that many, many people have gone before you.

Remember, no going to the toilet halfway through.

There was a lot to take in, but somehow I managed it.

I'll need another sheet.

Well, it's time for some music now in the round called Swanny Kazoo.

This is the round where the team's duet combine the ambrosial whisper of the Swanny Whistle with the bronchial burp of the kazoo.

The kazoo made the news recently at Sotheby's when a rare 18th century Viennese kazoo came under the hammer.

And when the hammer didn't work, the auctioneer smashed it with a house brick.

Providing piano accompaniment, we have Colin Sell.

Incidentally, Colin was telling us how his agent declines all offers for him to appear on Strictly Come Dancing on the grounds that Colin has two left feet.

When we first inquired, I don't recall his agent telling us anything about Colin's two left hands.

In tribute to Manchester's Bridgewater Hall, this week's songs are all classical.

So, Rory and Gary, you can start, and I'd like you to provide us with a rendition of the Dance of the Hours from La Gioconda by Ponchielli to feature Gary Delaney on the kazoo and Rory Bremner on the Suanni Whistle.

You now, Tony and Pippa, I'd like you to provide us with a rendition of the Pizzicato Polka from Sylvia by Dalid to feature Tony Hawkes on the kazoo and Pippa Evans on the Swanny Whistle.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

But there is just time to fit in a quick round of Northwestern Songbook.

Sven recently visited the Northwest to play a game of rugby league with a team of strapping northern lads he met for the first time in the changing room before the game.

Though renowned for his spectacular tackle, Sven was understandably nervous he might not fit in.

He needn't have worried scoring five times, including two conversions and a successful last-minute try.

And he said the game afterwards was a lot of fun as well.

In this round, teams, I'd like you to suggest for us the titles of songs likely to prove popular with an audience from the northwest of England.

You can start, Gary.

Message in a bootleg

in the liddling crew.

Tony.

When I'm cleaning widness.

Rory,

under Cheshire.

Timpley for the Devil.

I can see clearly now the rain hit.

Oh, it started again.

I've been to Paradise, but I've never been to Lee.

I like big butties and I cannot lie.

Hit me with your lithum stick

Corrie seems to be the hardest word

and so ladies and gentlemen as the treasured premiership title of time is surrendered at the etihad of eternity and the trusty old Trafford dinner lady of destiny is dismissed by the billionaire bastard of brutality

I'll notice it's the end of the show

so from the teams Sven myself and our audience here in Manchester it's it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Barry Delaney, Tony Hawks, Pippa Evans and Rory Bremner were being given silly things to do by Jack Dee with Colin Sell setting some of them to music.

The program consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick and the producer was John Maismith.