Series 82 - Episode 6

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

I'm Sarah Hammer Clue.

You join us this week on a return visit to Sheffield.

We're coming to you from Sheffield City Hall where the city centre attractions are a mere 42 miles away in Manchester.

Sheffield produces most of the world's cutlery.

Demand for Sheffield cutlery is at an all-time high thanks to a burgeoning Middle Eastern market and the constant demand for silver spoons from the English home county's maternity units.

By the way, if you're listening in Lancashire, cutlery is that shiny metal stuff that you get out at Christmas.

Legendary athlete Sebastian Coe was born in the city.

The middle-distance superstar entered the record books as the only child in the history of Sheffield ever to be named Sebastian.

Sheffield is called the largest village in England due to its relative isolation surrounded by hills and not, as Lancastrians claim, because it's full of idiots.

Ah, you laughed at them.

According to the Office of National Statistics, 12% of Sheffield's population is made up of people relocating from London.

This southern southern influx is said to account for a slight softening of the city's local Yorkshire accent and an increase in its annual sales of balsamic vinegar

to one bottle.

The Sheffield-born Human League frontman Phil Oakey comes from a musical family.

His father played trumpet in a jazz band while his sister annoys pub customers by singing along to backing tracks.

That's karaoke.

Sheffield is known as the city of seven hills.

It was at one stage eight hills until some Jobsworth cartographer from the Ordnance Survey decided that Dame Jessica Ennis Hill wasn't tall enough.

Sheffield bands ABC, the Human League, and the Thompson Twins provided the soundtrack for the 80s.

Their work can still be enjoyed at their hugely popular nostalgia concerts, or if you're a 1980s Radio 1 disc jockey via Top of the Pops repeats on the communal television on E-Wing.

Pulp's Jarvis Cocker was born in Sheffield.

Although now based in Paris, the quirky frontman still returns to the city of his birth and can often be seen clothes shopping in Oxfam or Sioux Ryder, either chatting with fans or fending off the staff who keep trying to put him back on display in the shop window.

And talking of common people, let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Tony Hawks and Lucy Porter.

And on my left, Miles Chubb and Milton Jones.

We start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct usage of similar terms.

For example, many people don't understand the subtle difference between the words pioneer and innovator.

Well, an innovator is a person who introduces new methods, ideas, or products, whereas pioneer is a workplace injury suffered by clowns.

But the meanings of words are constantly changing, teams.

So, your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Lucy, you can start.

Grimsby, a fairy tale insect.

Miles.

Sell a field, what a farmer is told to do to pay inheritance tax.

Tony, lavish, a bit like a toilet.

Melton.

Obesity, that medical drama that used to be on Saturday nights.

Knickknack, an innate gift for stealing.

Lactator, to be one potato short.

Orchestral, suggestion of a different bird to eat this Christmas.

Pontificate, proof of the Pope's authenticity.

Pupa, private health care for insects.

Masseur, how a Frenchman introduces his sister.

Whap, whap a loo bap, a whap, bam, boom.

The sound of a wet seal trying to operate a toaster.

Tapass to patter bottom.

Trench warfare, a battle over a spanner in Yorkshire.

Merseyside, somewhere between murder and suicide.

Lobotomy, having short legs.

Autism, a constant sense that you should be doing something.

Subwoofer, a dog trained to bark at U-boats.

Dundee, unimpressive boast about how much of the alphabet you've studied.

Well, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Sharades.

A recent survey by the Actors Union Equity claimed that at any given time, 80% of actors are not working.

Post-drama school, many actors find it hugely frustrating waiting for a role to turn up, as do their customers whose soup has gone cold as a result.

The game Sound Sharades is all about miming, the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotions without words.

Mime has its origins in ancient Greece and can best be described as the expression of emotion through gesture.

Its most famous practitioners include Marcel Marceau, Etienne Descru, and most white van drivers.

In our version of Sherard's team members are permitted the use of their voices.

So Tony and Lucy, you're a start please and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here's the mystery voice.

We're going on a bear hunt.

We're going on a bear hunt.

So off you go, please, Tony and Lucy.

Right.

It's six words.

Yep.

And it's a book, and apparently, a TV show as well.

And it goes like this:

Good morning.

Is this your first outing with the Cheshire Hounds?

Yes, I do hope this horse is well behaved.

Oh, yes, he's very steady.

And it's a beautiful day.

Yes, quite warm, thank goodness.

Of course.

I.

I.

I'm guessing from that it's your first time riding naked.

A horse, yes.

Well, it's a tradition here at the Cheshire Meet.

Hunting pink is an expensive thing these days, so we've decided to do without.

It's quite a sight.

Well, thank you very much.

And here come the hounds.

Oh, that's a magnificent pack.

You're too kind.

Good heavens, who's that?

He's the whipper in.

Oh, today he's whipped it out.

It all adds to the fun.

Tally ho!

Gosh, so it's some sort of nudist romp.

Hunt is the word hunt in there.

Bearback mountain.

Bearback hunt.

Bear hunt.

Bear hunt.

Bear hunt.

But don't map me, I know we're going in a mountain.

Bear hunt.

Okay, your turn, Miles and Milton.

Your title is now being exhibited on the lazy display board.

And here again is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Stranger Things.

Stranger Things.

It's a television show.

Yes.

Two words.

Two words, choice.

Sorry to bother.

There's a Mr.

Things to see.

Things?

I don't think I know him.

Right,

Mr.

Things.

I don't know Mr.

Things.

I don't know Mr.

Things.

Is it rivals?

I just like it, it's dirty.

You'd get to see Mr.

Thing's Thing in that, wouldn't you?

Things, you don't know things, that's what you said.

So what is the matter that you don't know?

Stranger Day.

Stranger Things.

Well, it's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent.

The first I notice our hallway has been blitzkried by a letter.

It comes from a Mrs.

Trellis of North Wales.

She writes, Dear Liam Neeson,

to the person who stole my glasses, I will track you down.

I have contacts.

Yours sincerely, Mrs.

Trellis.

On with the game, and since we're in the fine city of Sheffield, famed as a once proud centre of steelmaking and the setting for the film The Full Monty, we'll today be playing Strip Mornington Crescent.

Incidentally, our own Miles Jupp was in the TV version of the Full Monty, weren't you, Miles?

I believe you had a small part in it.

So

the rules are quite simple.

If any player makes a foul move which is disallowed, he or she must remove one article of clothing.

Apart from that, we'll be playing according to Stovold's articulated version of the game, where line stoppage is free, but laterals and ridings will need to be travelled unless north of the Jubilee line.

All quite simple.

So, Tony, you can start.

Well, given that line stoppage is free, I can start with Tottenham Court Road.

Yes.

I will go Black Horse Road.

Black Horse Road.

yes.

Nine Elms?

Yeah, that's okay.

Well done, yeah.

Milton.

Arnos Grove.

Oh, oh, oh.

Help.

Hold your horses.

We've had Nine Elms Grove, you can't follow it with Arnos.

Why not?

Because

we're playing Stovold's articulated version of the game when you're listening.

I'm afraid that means you do now need to remove an item of clothing, Milton.

You're on tour at the moment, aren't you, Milton?

Yes.

How did you know?

Well, I just noticed you're wearing a stab vest.

Maybe that should come off first.

Okay, here it comes.

Right.

Back to you, Tony.

Well,

I don't want to go north of the Jubilee line, so I'm going to go tooting Broadway.

Yes, that's

okay.

Tooting back?

Yes, Tooting Beck you can have, in fact, because of

being north of Watford, that's okay.

Otherwise, it would have been a problem.

Lucy.

I will go north of the Jubilee line for Amersham

Amersham very yes Amersham inspired

yeah

Milton barking

I think when we've got

where line stoppage is free but laterals are ridings we can't do barking especially with an opening like Tottenham Court Road it would throw the whole game off balance

I'm afraid your high-vis jacket's going to have to come off now.

Right, here goes.

It means a lot to me.

You see, my great-grandfather invented the high-vis jacket when he was fighting in the trenches in the war.

It was also the last thing he did.

That's right,

We're all wearing high-vis jackets this evening in his memory.

Perhaps we could have a little time of reflection.

Back to you, Tony.

Heathrow Terminal 3.

Ah, yes, okay, yes.

Finchley Road and Frognall.

Try without Frognall.

Finchley Road?

Finchley Road is good, yes.

You can have that.

I should have disallowed it, I just don't want you taking any clothes off.

Lucy?

Bit risky because I think it didn't work out earlier, but I think now Arnos Grove is in play.

Arnos Grove, in fact, you can do.

You can.

Yes.

It was helped by your Amisham earlier on, so well done, you.

Yeah, yeah, good play.

You will.

Milton.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Acton Town.

I think the audience know

as well as I do that that's not going to work.

You can't pass mustard with that.

We've had Heathrow, remember?

So

I'm very time for the false moustache to come off.

Let me help you.

It wasn't false.

I'm so sorry.

Maybe we should, well, in that case, take something else off.

How about the false eye?

I think we'll have to have the wooden leg as well, Milton.

Fair enough, well,

better luck next time.

Tony, well, I'll just have to go Hampstead.

I can't let you have Hampstead.

No, not after you've had Heathrow.

I'm afraid that means you're going to have to take off your sequin G-string.

Okay.

Morning to Crescent.

Okay.

Funny place to keep a sock, Tony.

Well, the next game is a musical one entitled Songstoppers.

In this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs.

It's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

At the piano, we have Colin Sell.

Incidentally, Colin was excited to tell us how, after he'd finished work one evening, none other than the great Sir Simon Rattle approached him from the stalls with some valuable advice.

He said, I'd give it 10 minutes, mate.

You can go first, Miles and Milton.

Can we have your medley of first lines, please?

I

heard

sheep or cows,

that's how it goes.

Yes, it's what we doctors call cardiac arrhythmia.

Salakadoo, la menchica-boo, la bibbity-bobbity-boo.

And lovely children they are, too, Mr.

Reese Mogg.

Ebony

and ivory

keep going, Colin.

I've got away with it.

Ebony

and Ivory

live together in perfect harm.

I could sing it for you.

Do you want me to sing it for you, Murray?

Yes, yes.

Tony, sing it.

And then they'll do the punchline.

Okay.

Ebony

and Ivory

live together in perfect harmony.

Yeah, the perfect blend of deforestation and illegal poaching.

No one likes a smart-ass Tony.

It's just a jump to the left,

and then a step to the right.

And that's basically the history of the Labour Party.

When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary

comes to me,

speaking words of wisdom,

O blah-dee, oh, blah-da.

To dream the impossible dream,

To fight the unbeatable foe

To bear with unbearable sorrow

And how long have you been a Sheffield Wednesday fan?

Okay, your turn now Tony and Lucy can we have your first lion medley please

It's my party party, and I cry if I want to.

Cry if I want to.

Well, Kemmy, it's tough.

You shouldn't have entered the leadership race.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

You're beautiful.

It's true.

Are you going to buy that mirror or not, Mr.

Bunny?

And if you don't love me now, you will never love me again.

I can still hear you saying you would never break the chain.

I'm sorry, but it just wouldn't flush.

Six o'clock.

Sorry, yeah, I do apologise.

Would you like me to sing it for you?

Six o'clock already, I was just in the middle of a dream.

I was kissing Valentino by a crystal blue Italian stream.

Lucy, wake up, you're snogging the cat.

Let it go,

let it go.

Can't hold it back anymore.

Remind me never to share a tent with you again.

Putty, put your left arm in, your left arm out,

in, out, in, out, you shake it all about.

Yes, is there another vet we could speak to?

There

she goes.

There she goes again.

Cystitis is a bastard, isn't it?

She unscrews the top of her new whiskey bottle and shuffles about in her candle-lit hovel like some kind of witch with blue fingers and mittens.

Still at least she got to be Prime Minister for 44 days.

Well that's very nearly the end of the show.

But there is just time to squeeze in a quick round of parking or bedroom.

So teams in this round I'd like you to come up with phrases that might be suitable for use both in the bedroom and while parking the car.

Mars, you can start.

Left hand down a bit.

Tony.

I honestly didn't think I could fit in there.

Lucy.

Honestly, it'll be quicker if you just get out and let me do it myself.

Sorry, I didn't mean to honk.

I'm just waiting for this guy to pull out so I can get in there.

I just always feel safer in these big Swedish models.

Don't worry, I'm just dropping off as well.

Could everyone please stop shouting?

I find it very hard to concentrate.

Your ass is sticking out.

Oh, if you have a rummage in there, you might be able to pull out a tin of travel suites.

It's pay and display, so here's a tenor.

Would you believe it?

He's trying to jump in there before me.

What an arsehole.

Oh dear, I'll just have to write a little apology note and pop it under their wipers.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the worming tablet of time is given to the dastardly doberman of destiny, seconds before it drags the backside of abomination across the cream-coloured carpets of calamity,

I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Sheffield, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Tony Hawk, Smiles Judd, Lucy Porter, and Milton Jones were being given silly things to do by Jack Dee with Common Cell setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick.

The producer was John Maismith.