Series 82 - Episode 5

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry having a clue. You join us this week on a visit to Sheffield,

often referred to as Steel City by the South Yorkshire Police Burglary Division.

The world's first ever official football club, Sheffield FC, was formed in the city in 1857.

The first Sheffield team was to enjoy an extraordinary five-year unbeaten run, which was only brought to an end in 1862 when a second British club was formed.

A fact you might not know is that the term hat-trick actually originates in Sheffield. For any Sheffield Wednesday fans listening I should of course explain what a hat-trick is.

It's when the opposition's striker puts three past your goalkeeper.

Sheffield was noted for the production of knives as early as the 14th 14th century and Sheffield knives are actually mentioned in Geoffrey Chaucer's Canterbury Tales.

Even today Sheffield companies like Eggington and Samuel Staniforth produce thousands of knives every day for export worldwide.

In fact the only place you'll see more knives produced is by visiting Firth Park after dark.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Tony Hawkes and Lucy Porter.

And on my left left, Miles Chupp and Milton Jones.

And taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Well, we begin this week with a round that's all about bands. These days, there seem to be more tribute bands than there are genuine bands.

In fact, it's so common that I hear there's even a psychedelic rock band that's been founded in tribute to our own Colin Sell. It's called The Grateful Death.

Anyway, teams, in this round, I'd like you to please suggest disappointing titles for tribute bands. You can start this one, Miles.

Simply Dead.

Lucy. Public Enema.

Tony. Break Wind and Fire.

Milton. Emerson, Lake, and Starmer.

Shakespeare's cistern.

The Scheithaus family.

MM da da da da da.

By Jovie

Rage against the mash. I ordered chips.

F ⁇ up that.

Damp, damp, damp.

Terence Trent Lester.

Florence and the MASH. She ordered chips too.

Well, it's time for a musical round now as I ask the teams to sing one song to the tune of another.

At the piano, we have Colin Sell.

Matter of fact, Colin was telling us about his days as a music scout and how thrilled he was back in the 1970s to discover the cure. In his case, just a simple tin of stewed prunes.

Okay, we'll start with you please, Lucy Porter. I'd like you to sing the words of I'm Too Sexy by Wright Said Fred to the tune of Bring Me Sunshine.

I'm too sexy

for my love.

Too sexy for

my love.

Going to leave me. I'm too

sexy for my shirt.

too sexy for my shirt,

so sexy and hundreds. I'm too sexy

for Milan,

too sexy for

Milan you're going to Japan, and I'm too sexy for your party, too sexy for your party. No way, I'm disco dancing.

You now Milton Jones and I'd like you to sing the words of the laughing policeman to the tune of the funeral march.

I know a fat old policeman.

He's always

on our street.

A fat and jolly red-faced man, he really is a treat.

He's too kind for a policeman, he's never known to frown,

and everybody

says he's the happiest man in town.

Excellent stuff. You now, Tony Hawks.
I'd like you to sing the words of What Does the Fox Say to the tune of the girl from Iponema.

Dog goes wolf, cat goes meow, bird goes tweet and mouse goes squeak, cows go moofrooze go creep, and elephant goes toot.

Ducks say quack and fish go blub, and the seal goes ow, ow, ow. But there's one sound that no one knows.
What does the fox say?

Ding,

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding-a-ding-ding.

Good ding,

ding, ding, ding, ding, ding, ding-a-ding-ding.

What does the fox say? Wa-wah-pa-paw!

Pop-pop-pa-wa-pa-pa-pa-pa-pa.

Pa-pa-pa-pa-pa-wa-wah-pa-pa-pa.

What does the fox say? Ha-ha-hatty, ha-hati-ho. Hat hatti hatti ho

hatti hatti ho

what does the fox say

and finally Miles Jupp. I'd like you to sing the words of model of a modern major general from Gilbert and Sullivan's The Pirates of Penzance to the tune of the windmills of your mind.

I am the very model of a modern major general. I've information vegetable and animal and mineral.
I know the kings of England and I call up the fights historical.

From marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical.

I'm very well acquainted too with matters mathematical.

I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical.

About binomial theorem, I'm teeming with a lot of news. Christ.

with many cheerful facts about the square of the hypotenuse. I'm very good at integral and differential calculus.
I know the scientific names of beings and a malculus.

In short, in matters, vegetable, animal, and mineral. I am the very model of a modern age in general.
I know mystic history, King Arthur's, and Sir Caradox. I answer hard acrostics.

I have a pretty taste for paradox.

Thank you, thank you, Miles. And don't worry, if you're walking back to the hotel, we'll arrange security.

This next round is called word for word, and it's all about words. The Collins Dictionary recently announced its new words for 2024.

Amongst them is raw dogging, which means sitting on a flight, staring at the seat in front of you with no entertainment, food, or drink, and even foregoing the toilet.

Rawdogging has apparently replaced their previous word for the same thing, Ryanair.

In this round, each team takes it in turn to exchange a series of words while the opposing team should challenge if they detect a connection between any of these words.

Okay, I'd like you to start exchanging completely unconnected words, Miles and Milton. Tony and Lucy, it's your job to try and spot a connection.

If I uphold the challenge, I'll ask you to take over, and so on. So, off you go, please.
Miles and Milton. Beef, Ariel, Regimen, Pin,

Chapati, Ipswich,

Tony, Chapati, Ipswich? Well, I had a terrific curry in Ipswich

and I had a chapati there, and I think that is a connection. Certainly a personal one.

Also, Ipswich is in a part of the country that is very flat, like a chapati. Yes,

yes.

So,

well, the...

Between the two of us, surely we've done enough.

I think you probably have. I think it was a good joint effort, and the audience enjoyed it as well.

So, over to you, Tony and Lucy.

Antidote. Competence.
Breadmaker. Bear.

Dense.

Parade.

Dictate.

Parade dictate, Mil Mars? Yeah, yeah, it looks a baffle jack. I'll explain it.

Well, if you're a dictator, you probably order a lot of parades, don't you? You see them marching up and down, trying to make people feel good about themselves.

I think, but the word was dictate, not dictator. Yeah, what do dictators do?

I'm not trying to be a dick.

I'll let you get cocky with me once.

But yes, okay, I'll let you have dictate parade. Over to you,

Mars and Milton.

Thanks for remembering.

Well, it's been a while.

Dementia.

Eggy.

Dementia.

Tony, you've gone for eggy dementia.

Well, most people that have dementia have quite eggy clothes. They're breakfasts.

They drop a lot of things. I can see where you're going with that, yes.
I think we'll allow that.

Tony and Lucy, it's over to you. Empty.
Dipstick.

Haridon. Liminal.
Igloo. Mitre.

Miles Igloo Mitre. I have a toy version of each of those things at home.

Yeah, and I live in Ipswich, so that's acceptable.

I have a little toy igloo and a little toy mitre that was left over. I've lost the toy bishop it came with, but

it's quite a sad day, actually. But nevertheless, I have both of those things.
Why did you have a toy bishop? I couldn't afford a real one.

Okay, well,

you know, that's the connection. I'm buying that.
I'm happy with that. So back to you, Tu.

Cross word.

Vacuum. Elegant.

Vacuum elegant, Tony? Well, you vacuum your house to make it look elegant.

I think you vacuum your house just to make it look cleaner. Not elegant? Not elegant, no.
I don't think elegance comes from vacuuming. Elegance is to to do with style, Tony.

No amount of vacuuming can provide that.

I've been to your house. Yes.

You weren't naturally invited, but you came.

I've looked through the windows.

I'm not going to allow that. So it's back to you, Miles and Milton.

Oh,

and that sound usually tells us that there's a film about to start.

Don't we wish?

Well, this next round is called The Symptoms. In this round, the teams will assume the role of doctors and patients suffering from an imaginary medical condition.

And you can be our patients, Tony and Lucy. And the identity of your mystery medical condition is now being displayed to our theatre audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here's the mystery voice. Tony and Lucy think think they're radio four.

Tony and Lucy think they're radio four.

So off you go, Lucy and Tony. Come on in.
Oh, yes, you go.

Normally it only means one thing when a young couple come in to see the doctor together.

Well, it's not that.

Thank you very much for your time, Doctor. I mean, we're very worried about our long-term health.
Yeah, we're definitely not in the shape we used to be. Yeah, we used to have such great figures.

Though we still do get a pretty good reception most places. Yeah.
To be honest, Doctor, bladder control is a problem.

And we're both furious about it. Yes, we're a couple of crossing continents.

But we're not all talk, you know. I think we are.

Yes, oh yes, we are. And money's a bit of a a worry for us at the moment.
Yes, money is a bit of a worry. You see, we're having to get by on a lot less these days.

Yes, we're having to get by on a lot less. Yes.
Sorry, that might be why we keep repeating ourselves.

We do have a busy daily schedule, don't we? Oh, yes. Every morning I have a woman who comes in for an hour.

And I usually come over all funny around half past six.

Though not as often as you used to.

No.

The sad thing is that people misjudge us. They think we're just serious and unsexy, but that's not true at all, is it? Absolutely not.
I'm constantly getting turned on.

Me too. I tend to get most turned on around seven in the morning, usually by people over fifty.

What gets you turned on most, would you say? Oh, for me, it's Melvin Bragg.

Goodness, yes, he's gorgeous.

Good to know we're on the same wavelength.

We get turned off too, though, don't we? Oh, yes, usually at 2pm and 7pm on weekdays.

And we don't seem to be quite as popular as we were. Well, bits of me are popular.
Which bit? I'm sorry, I haven't a clue.

I think it sounds like you're. I said it, is it still on?

Radio 4?

Well, this next round is all about those important events or milestones in our lives when we exchange cards or presents. You'll be surprised to hear I'm not a great present buyer.

On occasions such as a birthday or Christmas, I tend to opt for a greetings card. My wife, on the other hand, is a very keen present-giver and generous to a fault.

Last Christmas, just to stop her asking, I suggested she get me a simple cheese plant, which is why I'm now the proud owner of the Limeswell Creamery.

Personally, I find most of the greetings card messages you get today far too upbeat, cheesy, or saccharin. So in this round, Doompig,

I'd like you teams to suggest for me some more realistic and downbeat greetings card rhymes and messages, which more accurately reflect the world as we know it. Miles, you can start.

Sorry for your loss, but at the same time, congratulations on your inheritance.

Lucy. This is a get well soon card.
I wish I'd found out sooner that you were feeling down, then I wouldn't have hidden in your wardrobe, dressed as an evil clown.

Milton.

So sad to hear about your husband, Clive. It now appears he's still alive.

Tony.

Happy Father's Day. A day for dad to stop and rest and maybe have a glass of fizz, while mother wonders in the kitchen how to tell him they're not his.

Good luck in your new home, wherever it is, because you certainly can't stay here.

Mother, you did everything for me. You were there at my beginning.
You bore me to tears, sorry.

On your new baby. We wanted to praise your new wee lass, but thought it best to keep it vague, because we noticed in the photo she looks just like William Hague.

So sad to hear about your darling cat who's left the world at the age of seven. My garden oft he used as a toilet.
I hope he's the only cat in doggy heaven.

The wheel is turning, the sands are running, the clock is ticking. Soon we shall all return to the dark earth from whence we once came.

Nevertheless, happy birthday.

Congratulations on your new job. I guess it's just bad luck that the last incumbent blew it, and that no one else within the fold was mad enough to do it.

But you have been selected, so if you can, be merry. The most Reverend Richard Coles, Archbishop of Canterbury.

Now for a round called What's the Question?

Many answers are the result of fascinating questions. For example, if the answer was U2, the question would be, which contestant did the Hill Farmer choose on Welsh Blind Date?

Similarly, if the answer was Yorkshire, the question would be, what accent did Sean Bean use to play a Puerto Rican hitman?

Okay, teams, I'll provide the answers to various questions, and I'd like you to suggest what you think the original questions would have been. Okay? So we'll start with you, Miles.
Here's the answer.

What's the original question? Life would be impossible.

What would be the human cost if the temperature of the entire planet was controlled by the thermostat in my parents' sitting room?

It's actually what would happen if Earth had no liquid iron core and thus no magnetic field. How about this one, Milton? What would be the question if this is the answer? Simply by adding an X.

What's the best way of ruining the name Andre?

In fact, the question was: when airports adopted three-letter codes in the 1930s, how did airports with two-letter names create their codes? Hence, airports like LAX lax.

Tony, another answer for you. I want the original question.
The Pope's inner chamber.

Where's the Pope?

In fact, the answer is, where in the Vatican is there an escape tunnel which leads to a secret location outside the Vatican's borders? And Lucy, here's the answer. What was the question?

Only when it's upside down.

Is it ever enjoyable to sit on a shooting stick?

The actual question was, only when a flamingo's head is in what position can it eat? Only when it's upside down. All right, here's the answer.
This is for any of you to have a go at.

Here's the answer. What's the question? Not unless they spread their legs.

Do spiders take up more space than raisins?

It's actually, are giraffes able to drink water from a river or watering hole? And here's another one: what's the question? They are indistinguishable from human ones.

What is remarkable about Elon Musk's eyes?

Well, you're half right. The actual question is, what is remarkable about koala fingertips? And here's another answer.
What's the question? The introduction of boxing gloves.

What noticeably improves Collins' piano playing?

In fact, it was the original question is, what counterintuitively led to an increase in the number of fatalities in the sport of boxing? And finally, the one closest to the entrance.

Who gets to go first in a threesome?

In fact, it's statistically in a gent's lavatory, which urinal is the cleanest.

Well, that's just about the end of the show.

But there is just time to fit in a quick round of Yorkshire Film Club.

Incidentally, football scout Samantha was telling us how she's taken advantage of our visit to Sheffield to visit Bramwell Lane to give a talented young footballer a trial.

She says she was immediately impressed with his tackle, but concerned he might go down a bit too easily, decided to pull him off at half-time.

She's convinced with him they'll soon be on top of the table.

Thank you for sending that one in. Mrs.
R. Reeves of London West One.

Anyway, in this round, teams, I'd like you please to suggest the titles of films likely to be enjoyed by people from Yorkshire. I'd like you to start, please, Milton.
To Erminator.

Tony. One flew over to Pigeon Loft.

Miles. The cook, the thief, his wife, and Brian Glover.

Lucy.

Clarty Harry.

The boycott in striped pajamas.

Dr. Nout.

The grapes of Rotherham.

Down and out in Beverly Hull.

Sheepless and subtle.

ilkley battley deeply

There's something about Mary.

Will you have a look, Mr. Herriot?

Murdered on TransPennine Express

for a few dollars more. I'm not made of money.

E

tea.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the trusty Yorkshire tea bag of time is joined by the seven sugars of salvation before the cowboy builder of calamity adds yet another 20 grand to the ever-expanding quotation of incredulity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the team, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Sheffield, it's goodbye. Goodbye.

Tony Hawks, Miles Jump, Lucy Porter, and Milton Jones were being given silly things to do by Jack Dee with Covincell, setting some of them to mutant.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick. The producer was John Maismick.