Series 81 - Episode 4

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dee.

Hello and welcome to Ontario.

Having a clue?

You join us today in the Lancashire town of Blackburn, winner of the prestigious Britain in Bloom Award.

Not once, not twice, not three times.

That's right, not at all.

Located...

Located at the site where a major Roman road once crossed the River Blackwater, Blackburn has a rich historical heritage.

Interested visitors can see many fascinating Roman antiquities at the Blackburn and Ribchester Museums, an original spinning jenny in the Helmshaw Mills Textile Museum.

And for those with an interest in Victorian antiques, an absolute must is a visit to the Blackburn Rovers Trophy Room.

In 2023, Blackburn Rovers signed their very first player from Iceland.

The move has been such a success that the Club Scouts are now shopping in Aldi and Lidle as well.

World-famous opera singer Kathleen Ferrier was brought up on Linwood Road in Blackburn.

Famously known as the second most famous woman in the world after the Queen, Ferrier once staged a gala performance of La Boheme in this very theatre.

Fifty years later, an anniversary performance was held here in her honour, starring none other than Luciano Pavarotti, or as he was known locally, that thin lad.

Boasting a particularly vibrant local music scene Blackburn is the home of the world's most famous Lancastrian rapper Chippy T

and other Lancashire towns have inspired some memorable songs from Burnley Chippy Chippy Cheap Cheap

from Clithrow, Ribble Ribble, Your Face is a Mess.

And of course from Blackpool, sign on you crazy diamond.

Blackburn-born Dr.

Alan Carter was the pioneering optometrist who was a leading specialist in the development of spectacle lenses for use by opticians in eye tests.

According to his wife Mary, her husband's research became an obsession which began to affect their marriage.

A trial separation proved the final straw where Mary Mary was bombarded daily with letters from her husband asking better with or without

Blackburn has links with America due to a mutual interest in the cotton industry and amazingly the world's first Western was filmed in Blackburn in 1899.

Shot by legendary local filmmakers Mitchell and Kenyon, the film featured cinema's first ever quick draw gunfight, a brawl in a saloon, and a laconic Lancashire sheriff, Tex Piss.

Exhibits at Blackburn's Museum and Art Gallery include a large collection of books, religious icons, and one of the world's rarest coins.

Dating from 2009, the coin is thought to be the only pound ever spent by a Yorkshireman.

The Holly Tree Fish and Chip Shop in Pinewood sells Blackburn's most famous food, the John Bull.

According to the chip shop owner, the John Bull is best enjoyed with a portion of chips and consists of savoury mint cooked in beef fat, sandwiched between two potato slices, and deep-fried in a crispy batter with secret ingredients, which are hopefully statins.

Blackburn's oldest man, Alfie Cooper, famously ate seven John Bulls a week.

A proud Blackburnian, Cooper continued with this diet right up to his death, age 53.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Vicki Pepperdine and Tony Hawkes.

And on my left, Marcus Quickstock and Henning Vane.

And taking his place on the scoring desk next to me please welcome our resident tree trunk in trunks the Immaculate Sven

well

we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary

A good dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms for example many people don't know the difference between the words banal and trite well banal means completely devoid of any freshness or originality whereas trite trites are what the royal family catch when they go fishing at Barmoral.

But the meaning of words are constantly changing, team.

So your suggestions, please, of any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Vicky, you can start this.

Chalet.

Do you think I short?

Henning.

Flamboyant.

A flam, but wearing a life jacket.

Marcus.

Waiting.

A a byproduct of Jamaican cheesemaking.

And Tony

Delude to have the lavatory removed by the builders,

Bamboozle, a drunk baby deer,

dandelion, big cat in a cravat.

Bin Man, Sex Change.

Plutocracy, society ruled by an orange dog.

Frogspawn, photos of Kermit's junk.

Teas made to make fun of the cleaner.

Distrust, slagged off Liz.

Prank, what Japanese pirates were forced to walk.

Plankton, village for thick people.

Teacup, a rise in the price of tropical hardwood.

Remember, stitching the arms and legs back on.

Muttered dog poo.

Muttered.

Francophile, whittling away the edges of a Spanish dictator.

Okay, well, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Charades.

This game is all about miming, the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotion without words.

Critics of mimes say the medium is outdated and irrelevant in today's society.

This claim was validated recently when at a strategy meeting of the Association of British Mimes, the chairman was ousted for thinking outside the box.

In our version of the game entitled Sound Sherads, team members are permitted the use of their voices.

Marcus and Henning, you'll start please, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

While here, for listeners at home, is the Mystery Voice.

House of the Dragon.

House of the Dragon.

Okay.

This is a television series, and it's four words.

Here we go.

Ah, do come in.

So,

this is the property?

Yes, yes, this is the one that you wanted to view.

And who's the current owner?

Deborah Meaden.

Dragons.

Yeah, oh dragons denied right yes

House of the Dragon.

Yes

straight away but this radio show has to last half an hour so let's have another

Here's a further title going up on the laser display board for you Tony and Vicky

and here once more is the mystery voice for listeners at home 28 days later.

28 days later.

So, film?

Yes.

Three words.

Correct.

Oh, hello.

I need my roof re-slated.

I'm told you can help.

That's right.

I'm a slater.

Are you a quick slater?

I take exactly four weeks.

That's tremendous work.

Well done.

Thank you.

Have you got it?

No.

28 days slater.

Correct.

Very good.

Okay.

final title has been displayed for you, Marcus and Henning, and here once more is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

The seventh seal.

The seventh seal.

Ah, yes, okay.

This is a film you're looking for, and it's three words.

That's right.

Hello, boys and girls, and welcome to the SeaWorld Blackpools production of Snow White.

I'd like to introduce you to the cast.

Here's Snow White herself, played by our star attraction, Maui the Dolphin.

And let me introduce you to her friends, the dwarves.

This is Happy,

Grumpy,

Sleepy,

Sneezy,

Doc or Dulpy

and bashful

oh dear

Bashful well shame sorry everyone I think you can all see what we're missing

three words uh right

seals are in it are they seals seal

SeaWorld production of Snow White.

SeaWorld production of Snow White.

Snow White.

Played by

Seals.

Seals.

Most of them made a sound, didn't they?

They did.

How many of them made a sound?

About five.

Right.

Is it five?

That's right.

It's famously, isn't it?

Snow White and about five dwarves.

Something to do with seals.

I had never heard of that movie either.

The fifth seal went, ooh!

The sixth seal went, ooh,

but the

seven silent seals.

Honestly.

The seventh seals.

Is this like a full hat?

The seventh seal.

Yeah.

I just said the seven seals, but

that was it.

We were brilliant.

Yeah.

Well, the next game is called Consumer Competitions.

We all love a competition and the chance to win a prize.

Just look at the ongoing popularity of the national lottery.

Only last month, following a surprise win at the lottery, one lucky Darwin man was able to purchase his local football team, Blackburn Rovers.

Just imagine what he could have bought if he'd got four matching numbers.

Well, in this game, Teams, I shall provide you with the sort of unfinished opening statement that well-known companies and brands send out to people who enjoy entering competitions, and your job is to finish it off.

Okay, so here's the first statement that I want you to finish off: I park my car with NCP because

I prefer a roof over my head when I'm dogging.

True!

Okay, here's another one for you to have a go at.

I have BT broadband in my house because I'm practicing for living off-grid.

Okay, what about this one?

I buy my electricity from EDF because I suffer from low self-esteem and they treat me like the piece of shit I am.

And finally, can you finish this sentence for us, Penning?

I choose Lynx body spray because blind women think I'm a teenager.

Okay.

Well, it's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent.

First, I notice our postman prostrate under the weight of a letter.

It comes from a Mrs.

Trellis of North Wales.

She writes, Dear eBay,

very disappointed with this second-hand telescope, barely does the job.

Two stars.

Yours sincerely, Mrs.

Trellis.

Well, on with the game, and since we're here in the proud town of Blackburn, we'll be playing the game according to Lancashire rules.

And so, obviously, as a trained actor, I will slip effortlessly into the local vernacular.

So, Ayop teams,

pin back the lugs and catch on to the local protocol.

Destinations are applicable, abbey it a boon and a for the laterals, but diagonals are reeked greatly in both circumferences.

So there's no point mithering about the Wigan directive, it's nubber a guideline as laid out by Willie Eckers like.

And if that doesn't promise a lively session of the game, then I'll go to the foot of our stairs.

And Marcus, ayup Cocker,

we'll start with thee.

Gosh, Jack, you've really got that, haven't you?

Yeah.

It's just something I can do.

Yeah.

Okay, first move.

Well, I'll go northeast.

Burnt oak.

Burnt oak, yeah, that can be done.

I'm going to say Poulton Lafiled.

Poulton Lafiled?

Ashton in Makerfield.

Don't know about that, Henning.

Diagonals are re-gradely in both circumferences, as I did explain.

So I can't let you have that, but you can go and please get on with it because

I'm sweating cobs.

It's cracking flags in here.

What did you say?

Stockwell.

Stockwell, yeah, yeah.

Okay, Bob on.

So actually,

you know, for an inexperienced bear,

Henning, that's a brilliant move actually, Stockwell.

It's a very popular game in Germany, Morning Crescent, and we play slightly different rules.

We have got no offside.

But it means I can go Garstang.

Wow.

Where did you go?

Spicy move.

Garstang.

Garstang.

Okay.

They loved it, the audience.

Yee, Olmskirk.

Olmskirk, yeah, Marcus, clever move, yeah.

Which

takes me quite obviously to Chiswick.

Chiswick.

I think because Marcus's opener was burnt oak, you can't go violent.

You can't have Chiswick.

No, no, no.

No, you can't do Chiswick.

I can take the game back to where I grew up.

I wish you would, but we're going to.

But for the moment,

it's Vicky's go.

Oh, do I have to.

Yes, okay, so I'm just going to go Eccles.

Eccles, yeah, okay.

Well, I will take it to where I grew up, Dagenham.

Dagenham?

Is he allowed that?

He's allowed that.

He's...

Well, actually, let's have a scan.

Yeah, no.

Shut your payole.

I'm thinking.

Well, he's opened the door for me to go Skelmersdale.

Yes, that's a nice move.

Okay.

Got a list of towns here and funnily enough got my nickname when I was a younger man, Clitheroe.

Clitheroe, Clitheroe.

It's Clitheroe.

Small misreading there.

Clitheroe, I think.

I think we all know exactly what you were doing, Marcus.

I think I'm just going to have to go Putney.

Oh, yeah, Georg.

Gyo.

Yeah, yeah.

Have you had Jin Sen?

But Putney's all right.

Yeah, no, you bob on with Putney.

Putney Bridge.

I don't believe it.

Mornington Cresses.

Just give me a moment to get out of character.

I'm back.

Well, this next game is called Random Reviews.

As all performers know, a good review is worth its weight in gold.

On his return to his homeland, Henning earns a little extra working nights for Germany's premier online minicab app and was pleased to receive a glowing five-star review from one grateful passenger he took to Dusseldorf airport.

Yet another successful trip for Deutschland alle Zuber.

Apparently, the company is more successful than traditional street taxis because modern Germans feel uneasy about hailing anything.

Which is understandable.

Well,

in this round, I shall present the teams with a selection of genuine internet reviews, and their job is to correctly identify to what the review is referring.

Okay, so first one's for you, please.

Marcus, what's being reviewed here?

Very ordinary by comparison to others, quite small and relatively new.

Rishi Sunak.

It was a TripAdvisor review for Blackburn Cathedral.

Vicky, what's being reviewed here?

Doesn't even remotely bond.

Timothy Dalton.

The review is a review for Loctite Superglue Power Gel with Precise Nozzle.

Hanning, what's being reviewed here?

It's been a long while since I had one, and it was nothing like like the ones I had as a kid.

A custodial sentence.

In fact, the review was for Lancashire Eccles cakes on Ocado.

Tony, what's this being reviewed here?

Great if you don't want smelly hands.

The Saudi Arabian criminal justice system.

It was for earth-rated dog poo bags, guaranteed leek-proof, lavender-scented on Amazon.

Marcus, another one for you.

What's being reviewed here?

The smell of garlic was overpowering.

France.

It's Morrison's The Best Lancashire Hot Pot.

What's that?

That's being reviewed.

Vicky, what about this one?

What's being reviewed here?

Okay,

does drag a bit.

RuPaul?

The answer was a review for Priest, a love story, Amazon Erotica.

Henning, what's being reviewed here?

Did deflate pretty quickly, which was disappointing.

The Hindenburg.

The answer was 25 large punch balloons for party bag fillers for kids.

Finally, Tony, what's this a review for?

I just advise people that the language used is rather graphic, so may trigger some people.

Anne of green gables.

That was a review for Priest, a love story on Amazon Erotica.

Okay well here's some for any of you to have a go at.

Nice fit and fastens well with Velcro.

A Boeing 737 max door panel.

Is that your Haiviz vest on Amazon?

What about this one?

What's this a review for?

Not very strong and a gust of wind can actually open it.

A Boeing 737.

No, it's a high-viz vest from Amazon.

What about this one?

What's being reviewed?

I have fixed it to the front of my van, and it looks much better than I thought it would.

The back of my van.

It's actually

MOT-compliant car registration numbers.

What about this?

What's this a review for?

The Queen arrived safely with a couple of workers, but sadly, infertile.

Catherine of Aragon.

It was

a live ant starter kit, Queen with eggs and workers on Amazon.

What's this a review of?

So pleased that I was able to get both my mum and dad in there together.

A small coffin.

In fact, it was, you're not far wrong, it was a scatter tube for human ashes.

How about this?

What's this a review for?

It's abrasive, uncomfortable, and leaves you wondering why you even bothered in the first place.

Preston.

It was actually a review for 10 years to save the west.

Lessons from the only conservative in the room, Liz Truss.

What about this one?

What's this a review for supportive souls a therapy group for fish

Crocs unisex classic clogs on Amazon how about this here what's this a review for has served the good folk of Blackburn for generations low expectations

It's actually Ewood Park Stadium, Blackburn.

And finally, what's being reviewed here?

Tried straight away and completely got rid of spot.

Oh, I know that.

Dog poison.

It's actually a review for something called Dots for Spots, Pimple Patches.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

Yes, but there is just time to fit in a quick round of dentist or bedroom.

In Litham St Anne's, Britain's longest-serving dentist recently celebrated his 60th year in practice.

In his honour, the Princess Royal unveiled a plaque, which was later removed by the hygienist for £200.

So, in this round, I'd like you teams to come up with examples of phrases that might be overheard both at a dentist's and also in the bedroom.

You can start, please, Tony.

You're going to have to open wider than that.

Vicky?

Right, let's get you numbed up.

Hemming?

I didn't feel a thing.

Marcus.

I'm afraid both of these holes are going to need filling.

I hope you're not planning to put that in my mouth.

Had you thought about bleaching?

Because some of these areas are very discoloured.

Oh, just pull the damn thing out.

This was a lot cheaper in Turkey.

Which of you kids wants to go first?

And there's a sticker for being brave.

And so, ladies and gentlemen,

as the taut tightrope of time is gingerly traversed by the daredevil of destiny until the freak footfall of fate leaves him nursing the throbbing testicles of eternity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Blackburn, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Marcus Brigstock, Tony Hook, Spicky Pepperdime, and Henry Vane were being given silly things to do by Jack Dean with Common Cell, setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick.

The producer was John Maismith.