Series 81 - Episode 5

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I haven't a clue you join us today on our visit to Edinburgh.

Yes, the city known throughout the world as the England of Scotland.

Edinburgh's Waverley station is the main hub for LNER's East Coast train line.

I'm pleased to note that the company's super fast new Azuma trains are now not only quieter, but the journey time from London King's Cross to Aberdeen has been reduced from 10 to just 8 cans.

One of Edinburgh's most distinctive sounds is the famous one o'clock gun.

The one o'clock gun sounds daily at 1 p.m.

If by chance you should hear the sound of a 12 o'clock gun, it simply means it's midnight and you've strayed into Nidri.

Popular with visitors is Arthur's Seat, a hill in Hollyrod Park which was formed by a volcanic eruption dating back several hundred million years.

A hike up Arthur's Seat provides a stunning view of the city and beyond.

However, weather conditions should always be kept in mind as you don't want to find yourself stuck up there.

Recently, a group of tourists climbed the hill and the weather turned.

They remained stuck up for so long they were made honorary residents of Morningside.

Edinburgh's Hollyrod is the home of the Scottish Parliament.

Officially founded in 1999, the modern Parliament has few of the old traditions found at Westminster.

However, tourists hoping for a display of pomp and circumstance should still head to Holyrood in the hope of catching what's already becoming a parliamentary tradition, the ceremonial arresting of the First minister?

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Pippa Evans and Rory Bramner, and on my left, Milton Jones and Fred McCauley.

And taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Well, we begin this week with a round called Change a Letter, Ruin a Band.

Choosing a good name for your band can mean the difference between success and failure.

And the same goes for tribute bands, which have a strong tradition in Scotland.

One only has to think of the Glen Eagles, the Partick Monkeys,

Perth Windham Fire,

and of course Cranky Ghost to Hollywood.

Anyway, teams, in this round, I'd like you to suggest the names of bands ruined by the change of just a single letter.

You can start this, please, Rory.

Simply Reg.

Pippa.

Public enema.

Bilton.

Alba.

Fred.

This is inspired by one of our first ministers.

No, what were they called?

Prime Ministers, yeah.

Thick Lizzy.

Adam and the Anus

Sadness

Erethra Franklin

The Why

Pariah Carey

Pearnaked Laddies

Super Cramp

Oh, as is.

Average shape band.

Well, thanks for ending that on a high.

Time for a musical round now as I ask the teams to sing one song to the tune of another.

At the piano, we have Colin Sell.

It's not widely known that one of Colin's first professional engagements involved providing piano accompaniment for the Pointer sisters.

One commentator said she'd never seen anything like it in all her years, judging at crafts.

Okay, Fred McCauley, I'd like you to sing the words of Ye cane shavy granny afa bus

to the tune of Simon and Garfunkel's El Conda Pasa.

Ye canny shove your granny off a bus.

No, ye canny

shove your granny

off a bus.

No, you cannot shove your granny cause she's your

mommy's mommy.

Ye cannie shove your granny

off a bus.

You can shove your other granny.

Half a bus.

Push, push, baby.

You can shove your other granny.

Cause she's just your daddy's mommy.

Shove your other granny.

Half a bus.

Push, push.

Nice.

Well that's Fred.

Thank you, Fred.

Okay, your turn, Rory Bremner.

I'd like you to sing the words of Hit Me with Your Rhythm Stick to the tune of Scotland the Brave.

In the deserts of Sudan and the gardens of Japan, from Milan to Yakutan, every woman, every man, hit me with your rhythm stick.

Hit me, hit me, Jetador.

It be bad.

Hit me, hit me, hit me.

Hit me with your rhythm stick.

Hit me slowly, hit me quick.

Hit me, hit me, hit me in the wilds of Borneo

and the vineyards of Bordeaux.

Eskimo Arapahoe.

Move the body to and fro.

Hit me with your rhythm stick.

And finally, Pippa Evans, I'd like you to sing the words of Billy Connolly's The Welly Boot song

to the tune of My Heart Will Go On from the Titanic.

Wellies, they are wonderful,

oh wellies,

they are swell

because

they keep out the water and they keep in the smell

And when you're sitting in a room

You can always

tell

when some bugger

takes off his wellies

If

it

was the fire wellies, where would it be

in the hospital or infirmary?

Cause

you

would have a dose of flu or even pulsi if you didn't have your feet in your way.

Don't worry, they can do great things in the edit.

Well, this next round is called word for word, and it's all about words.

The Scots language has many words that might be unfamiliar to our listeners around the UK.

For example, there's many a mickle makes a muckle, which means that many small things will make a big thing.

Or to put it in more practical terms, enough small party donations of say a pound or so will soon add up to a top-of-the-range camper van.

Well, in this round, each team takes it in turn to exchange a series of words while the opposing team should challenge if they detect a connection between any of these words.

Okay, I shall be adjudicating.

I'd like you to start exchanging completely unconnected words, Pippa and Rory.

Fred and Milton, it's your job to try and spot a connection.

If I uphold your challenge, I'll ask you to take over, and so on.

Off you go, please.

Pippa and Rory.

Donkey.

Dodecahedron.

Lemon.

Piffle.

Milton, lemon, piffle, you think?

I thought you said piffle.

What did you say?

I said piffle with two F's.

Okay, Piffle.

Same to you.

Fred is now challenging Milton.

No, no.

This is not going well.

All right.

I was challenging Rory.

I thought, lemon piffle is a biscuit.

Is it?

No.

Could be though.

I'm afraid I can't accept your challenge.

But it's back to Pippa and Rory.

Banjo.

Rhododendron.

Chipalanta.

Perineum.

Fruity.

Wombat.

Fred, fruity wombat?

Yeah, it's a very specific species of the wombat genus

found in Australia.

Not in a eucalyptus tree, it's found in a lemon tree,

attracted by the biscuits.

Okay.

All right, I'll uphold your challenge.

I think that sounds feasible.

It's over to Fred and Milton.

Pith.

Jug.

Borse.

Pepper, pith, jug.

When citrus fruits first came to Scotland, they needed somewhere to put the pith, so you had jugs, pith jugs.

Can you hear?

No one believes you.

Just a point of order.

Yeah, yeah.

Citrus fruit hasn't reached Scotland.

Okay.

Deviation.

We know that.

Back to Fred and Milton.

Kelp.

Brainy.

Ransack.

Brainy Ransack.

To succeed in this show, you need to do a brainy ransack.

So it's a millennial term.

I'm upholding my brainy ransack, and I'm sure many people out there are having one right at the moment.

So back to Pippa and Rory.

Yes.

Cock six.

Trickle.

Fred, I've a feeling I know where this is going.

Coxicks tickle.

Number 39 Blair Street, Edinburgh.

A massage parlour.

Ask for doreen.

Coxyk tickle.

40 quid.

Okay.

Well, we have to take your word for that.

Do you get some citrus fruit thrown in?

Not thrown in.

It's back to Fred and Milton.

Ramsack.

Milton has challenged himself.

I always like to do that.

Title.

Oh no, I interrupted, didn't I?

I interrupted myself.

Should we just go back to where it went wrong?

Yeah.

Hello, good evening, and welcome to I'm Sorry I Have the Clue

and the gong.

The gong signifies that we have no better way of ending that than to play in a synthetic gong.

Well, it's now time for a round that's all about the world of broadcasting, which seems to announce a new program commissioned daily.

Ever Edgy, Channel 4, have commissioned a brand new panel game show format conceived by a group of broadcasting executives during a conversation in the gents at their Soho members club.

They're calling it Where's My Line?

Now, the people whose job it is to come up with ideas for radio and TV shows can be remarkably lazy with their program titles, so I'll ask the teams to share examples of programs where the content has been contrived to suit what someone thought would make a clever title.

Rory, you can start.

Hello, this week on Radio 4, we'll be talking about food and encouraging people to throw away one of the most popular herbs used in Mediterranean cookery.

That's been our time, just after nine.

Pip up.

Starting soon on BBC One, we go live to the Citizens Advice Bureau to see contestants competing in skimpy underwear emblazoned with images of sea creatures.

That's the Bureau's Fish on Thong Contest.

Taking a break from landscape and portrait artist of the year, Frank Skinner and Stephen Mangen tried to solve a murder where clues have been left on stickers on paintings in the National Gallery.

That's tag art at nine o'clock.

Milton.

And now, just before the news on Radio 4, it's time to find out tomorrow's whereabouts of the President of the People's Republic of China in the Xi Ping forecast.

This Sunday on BBC One, a return of the heartwarming drama where a government-employed task force ruthlessly stamps out health professionals specializing in childbirth.

That's Cull the Midwife.

Right, strap in.

After the broadcasting success of Michael Portillo's great train journeys, Scotland's own Sir Ian Rankin travels from Glasgow to Edinburgh.

Firstly, due to a signal failure at Haymarket, he gets a Lothian bus to Edinburgh Park.

The train only goes as far as Croy, where his journey is again disrupted and he has to find alternative transport.

That's a new series of re-bus.

And now on BBC One, more adventures from the diary of an unusual woman who lives in the 1830s, wears a top hat, but is not all that she seems in Gentleman Jack D.

Tonight on BBC Scotland, the true story of an African explorer who contracted a tropical disease with his mother on an expedition.

As they recovered, they regained their appetites, and the programme is named after the telegram they sent to the doctor.

That's Livingston 8, Motherwell 2.

Now on ITV4, a rerun of the epic family drama involving an incorrectly reheated lasagna and a series of subsequent toilet trips.

That's the Four Schites saga now on ITV4.

the next game is a musical one entitled Songstoppers.

Edinburgh has a long tradition of producing writers adept in creating fantasy works that revolve around magical, highly implausible scenarios.

One thinks of J.M.

Barry's improbable world of Neverland in Peter Pan, J.K.

Rowling's fantastical blend of myth and magic in the Harry Potter series, and perhaps the most far-fetched of all the proclaimers with Sunshine on Leith.

Well, in this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs.

It's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

At the piano, we have Colin Sell.

Colin is often asked how he managed to make such an extraordinary success of the Pussycat dolls, and his answer may surprise you.

Apparently, it was a little bit of catnip just inside the lining.

Okay, you can go first, please.

Fred and Milton, can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

You don't sound well.

I'm too sexy for my shirt.

Too sexy for my shirt.

So sexy it hurts.

Not the inaugural speech we were expecting, Mr.

Swinney.

Turn around.

Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you're never coming round.

Turn around.

There's something wrong with this sat-av.

Postman Pat, Postman Pat, Postman Pat and his black and white cat.

Early in the morning, just as day is dawning, he picks up all the post bags in his van.

Then Pat and his friends filled the van with explosives and headed off for the headquarters of Fujitsu.

Scooby-Dooby-Doo, where are you?

Ah, now I'm afraid Scooby's gone to live on a farm.

You put your left arm in, your left arm out, in, out, in, out, shake it all about.

Yeah, is there another vet we can speak to?

Don't you wish your girlfriend was hot like me?

She is, she's going through the menopause.

Sunday, Monday, happy days,

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days,

Thursday, Friday, happy days,

Saturday, what a day.

Valium?

Yup

If you're blue and you don't know where to go to,

I would suggest A and E.

This old man, he played one, he played knick-knack on my drum.

Right, and can you point to exactly where on your drum

the old man played his knick-knack, Sonny?

Love is a burning thing.

I think the technical name is Chlamydia.

All right.

Well, your turn now, Pippa and Rory, can we have your first line medley, please?

Why does it always rain on me?

Is it because I lied when I was 17?

Oh, come inside, Prime Minister, you're soaked.

Speed, body boat, like a bird on the wing, onward the sailors cry.

Carry the lad that's born to be king over the sea to sky.

Sorry, pal, fairy's not running today.

When I wake up, well I know I'm gonna be, I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you.

Well, you'll be lucky, I'm the anathotist.

Load up your guns, bring your friends.

Then we're gonna march peacefully to the capital building.

Salakatu, La Menchikapoo, La Bibbidy Bobbidi Boo.

Oh, are these your three, Mr.

Musk?

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight.

Not a footprint to be seen.

A kingdom of isolation.

And that's pretty much all there is to say about the frozen planet.

They're creepy and they're cookie, mysterious and spooky.

They're all together, ookie.

You're watching GB News.

A sailor went to CCC to see what he could see CC, but all that he could see CC.

The Southern Waters CCCs

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

But there is just time to fit in a quick round of Scottish Film Club.

Samantha was telling us she's just come back from a local whiskey tasting event she attended with some old colleagues from Radio 2.

She said she's got a soft spot for Highland Cream, but nothing beats a generous mouthful of Johnny Walker.

And that joke was sent in by a Miss Kirsty Walk.

Thank you for that.

Well, in this round, teams, I'd like you, please, to suggest the titles of films likely to be appreciated by those living in Scotland.

You can start, please.

Pippa.

The man who fell to Perth.

Rory.

Dreak Encounter.

Milton.

The Godfather Part Ick Thistle.

Fred.

A country with no old men.

Grey Friars Jobby.

Taxi driver.

But you know there'll be a boundary charge.

We need to talk about Nicola.

One for the north of Scotland here.

Forrest Gimp.

Crocodile Dundee United.

Break and Bad

Apocalypse No

Is the Bond Double Bull?

Golden Eye

and Och de Pussy

Buckfast and Furious

A Piss Called Wanda

Priscilla Queen of the South

Schindler's pissed.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the tenacious ticket tout of time gambles his fickle finances on shows scheduled to open at the calamitous co-op arena of incompetence, leaving him penniless in perpetuity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Edinburgh, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Fred McCawney, Pippa Evans, Milton Jones, and Laurie Grumman were being given silly things to do by Jack D, with Provencelle setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steele and Stephen Dick.

The producer was John Naismith.