Series 83 - 6. Dinner Table or Bedroom

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack D.

Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.

You join us on a second visit to Dorking.

Yes, the town known throughout Surrey as Dorking.

Celebrating the town's connection with poultry is local landmark the Dorking Cockerel, a 10-foot statue situated on a roundabout.

Visitors to Dorking are always delighted to see the sculpture, particularly as it slips out of view in their rearview mirror.

One of the town's most famous sons is author Daniel Defoe, whose novel Robinson Crusoe features a man stranded miles from civilization, desperately trying to survive despite the lack of any basic facilities or even a friendly face.

If you wouldn't mind letting me get the punchline out before you,

and if you're wondering how that might feel, try spending a Tuesday night in in Dorking.

The UK wife-carrying race is held annually in Dorking, taking place over a 380-metre obstacle course for the prize of a barrel of local ale.

For obvious reasons, it was impossible to hold the race in 2021, although, to be fair to the ladies, we all put on a few pounds in lockdown.

Formed in 1880, Dorking Wanderers are the oldest club in Surrey.

Dorking Wanderers play in the fifth tier of English football, and for the uninitiated, that's one tier below the National Sabutio League.

Dorking is home to the largest vineyard in the UK, Denby's Wine Estate, which was once the location of a full-size house built from Lego for a TV show hosted by James May.

At the end of the show, the Lego house was demolished, and the 3.3 million bricks used were offered to schools around the UK.

Sadly, they were rejected in favour of aerated concrete.

But UK schools are not alone in using substandard material which barely props them up.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, these are Lucy Porter and Fred Macaulay.

And on my left, Milton Jones and Omar Janilli.

And taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Well, we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary.

A good English dictionary is essential for learning the correct use of similar terms.

For example, many people don't know the subtle difference between the words instruction and rubric.

Well, instruction means detailed information showing how something should be done, performed or operated.

Whereas rubric directed Dr.

Strangelove.

But the meanings of words are constantly changing, teams.

So your suggestions, please, for any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Ahmed.

Net and Yahoo.

How we want to search for things online.

Lucy.

Amplitude.

Sufficiently masticated.

Milton.

Chichester.

Where you end up if you ask a taxi to take you to Chester on a very cold day.

And Fred.

Aspic.

disgusting habit

forensic, overseas vomit

Jillax, to put a tomahawk in the fridge,

jocularity, having a right good laugh in Inverness

Phenomenon, da da da da da da.

Disembarking.

Jamaican description of dogs barking.

Blistered.

The perfect bowel movement.

Aftermath when biology is.

Simpleton, just twenty hundred wheat

Barcelona, to whom the package belongs.

Jacuzzi, French for I blame myself.

Expect former partner attacked by chicken.

Criteria, cafe for sad people.

I'll give this one a try.

Transistor, my brother.

Okay.

Okay, the teams are going to sing along to some well-known songs now in a round called Pick Up Song.

Docking is home to the Strawberry Recording Studios.

Some of the biggest names in rock have recorded there, including Paul McCartney and Canadian superstar Brian Adams.

Before the show, Fred was telling us how popular Brian Adams is in the Macaulay household, and indeed how much he and Mrs.

Macaulay enjoyed a summer of 69.

Well in this round Samantha will spin the discs and each of you teams will sing along to your records.

If on its return you're within a gnat's crotchet of the original, I'll be awarding points and points mean a nausea-inducing parade of mass imbecility.

What do points mean?

Prize!

And this week's prize is just the thing for the house-proud Bond villain.

It's this Fabrize Lair freshener.

Okay, Amija Lily, you're to start, and I'd like you to accompany the late Shane McGowan and Kersey McCall singing Fairy Tale of New York.

They got cars big as bars, they got rivers of gold.

But the wind goes right through you, no place for the old.

When you first took my hand on a cold Christmas Eve, you promised me Broadway was waiting for me.

You were handsome, you were pretty, queen of New York City.

When the band finished playing, they yelled out for more.

Sinatra was swinging, all the drunks they were singing.

We kissed on a corner, then danced through the night.

And the boys on the MYPD choir were singing, Go away, bay, and the bells were ringing out for Christmas Day.

Yes, yes, I'm sure he'd have been very chuffed with that tribute.

Okay, your next Lucy Porter, I'd like you to accompany Jose Feliciano singing Feliz navidad.

Feliz na vidad.

Feliz na vidad.

Feliz na vidad.

Prospero año y felizidad.

Feliz na vidad.

Feliz na vidad.

Feliz na vidad.

Prospero año y pelizidad.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas from the bottom of my heart.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas.

Hallelujah, Merry Christmas.

I wanna wish you a Merry Christmas.

Thank you, thank you, Lucy.

Is there anyone you'd like us to call for you?

Okay, Milton Jones, you're next.

I'd like you to accompany Peter Orty singing Walking in the Air from The Snowman.

We're walking in the air.

We're floating in the moonlight sky.

The people far below

are sleeping as we fly.

I'm holding very tight.

I'm running in the meat by blue.

I'm finding I can fly so higher.

Mr.

Meltson,

you've been picking your own mushrooms again.

Finally, would you, Fred Macaulay, please accompany Bob Dylan singing Here Comes Santa Claus?

Here comes Santa Claus,

mixing mixing all his dreams

on the land.

Down mixing children singing all this many light.

I'm just talking to your friends, cause Santa Claus comes tonight.

Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Hannah,

Han Win.

He got a bang that they'll meant on the old time girl again.

He knows when

you're down for a beautiful time.

Santa Claus comes tonight.

Well, thank you, Fred.

I'm afraid you get no points from this Dylan fan for that, frankly, contemptuous impression.

Well, the teams are going to do a spot of acting for us now in the round called Sound Charades.

This game is all about miming, the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotion without words.

The father of modern mime was, of course, Marcel Marceau.

Marceau died aged 84 in a French retirement home after a lengthy battle with gesticular cancer.

Unlike regular charades in the game Sound Sherads, team members are permitted the use of their voices.

Milton and Ahmed.

You're to start, please, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here's the mystery voice: It's always sunny in Philadelphia.

It's always sunny in Philadelphia.

Right.

It's a sitcom five words.

So,

put your head in this.

What in the cream cheese?

Yeah, just do it.

All right.

Oh, wow.

I thought it would be dark.

No, every time.

Right.

I thought it was the advert for Philadelphia Light.

But it's a sitcom, you see.

I think Lucy might be on it.

I think it's Danny DeVito and friends in It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

It's your turn, Fred and Lucy.

Your title is now being exhibited on the laser display board, and here again is the Mystery Voice for listeners at home.

Chicago.

Chicago.

So it's a musical, and it's one word.

Anything to declare?

No, just a stuff I'm carrying in the back of the lorry.

Which is?

I'm fully laden with baby hens.

So you're telling me you're carrying infant poultry?

Yep, newly hatched from eggs.

Okay, pull over, please.

We'll need you to fill a few things out.

Paperwork and stuff?

Yeah, all that jazz.

Okay.

Poultry.

Did you say poultry?

We did.

Young poultry?

Yep.

Musical, one word.

It's got to be.

There's only one, isn't it?

Chicago.

Chicago.

It's got to be.

Chicago.

Well, flying in the face of public opinion, let's try another round of that.

Here's a further title going up on the laser display for you, Milton, and Ahmed.

And here once again is the mystery voice for listeners at home.

Thor.

Thor.

It's a film, and it's one word.

My My stomach hurts.

Oh dear, was it something you ate?

No, I don't think so.

Is it very painful?

It's smarting slightly.

Just slightly.

Yes.

Just slightly.

So the pain is more like an ache, you'd say.

Yes.

Something like that.

Do you know what it is, I think?

I think I got it.

With the references to pain.

Pain and is it thor?

Well, it's now time to play the game called Mornington Crescent.

But first, I notice our postman collapsing under the weight of a letter.

It comes from a Mrs.

Trellis of North Wales.

She writes, Dear Tom Kerridge,

on a recent visit to your restaurant, I had your £37 fish and chips.

Only later did I realise I hadn't left a tip.

So here it is.

Don't charge £37 for fish and chips, Baldy.

Yours sincerely, Mrs.

Trellis.

But on with the game, teams, and since we're in Dorking, we'll play according to basic Surrey rules modified by the poultry farm variation as laid out by Giles and Mallard.

This means that players will receive one extra point for a location related to farming, two for a location related to birds, and three points for a location related to poultry.

In all other respects, play is as normal, but with no penalty on gridding the diagonal.

However, teams beware of obtuse contact.

Fred, you can start.

Crikey, I think I've just come in with Orpington.

Orpington.

No extra points for that.

No, no.

I wasn't expecting any.

Well, you didn't get any

Acton Town.

Acton Town.

Sorry, it's my first time.

Oh, yeah.

Just

gridding on the diagonal.

If

I take us to Finchley Road.

Oh, if only you'd listen to the programme again.

Finchley Road, you can do that.

Gold Hawk Road.

Oh, yeah.

Yes, nice one.

Extra point there.

I don't think you should be too hard on Lucy.

I mean, it's first time a lot of people overthink the rules.

So

Canary Wharf.

Oh,

now we're cooking.

So, Haram Willstone.

Yes, that can work if it was your go.

It's a lot harder than it looks, isn't it?

Harrow and Wheelstone.

Yes.

Indeed, yes, yes, yes.

Lucy.

Cock Fosters.

Oh,

yes, yes, that's good points there as well.

Homed.

Hendon Central.

I'm pretty sure sure this is more lateral than diagonal, so I'm going to go

Hounslow West.

No, you would be gridding that one, I'm afraid.

Yes, can't let you have that.

Have I just lost the bonus I got?

You have, yes, now I think of it.

Lambeth North.

Orpington.

I forever can't repeat on Orpington.

Always a bad idea.

Why not?

Because it's always a bad idea.

Leighton.

Lucid is your go.

Okay.

Mornington Crescent.

And now for a round that's all about Christmas.

I tend not to go overboard during the festive season.

My wife loves it and is always very generous with her Christmas gifts.

Last year I asked for a cheese plant and now I'm the proud owner of the Limesbold Creamery.

Our very own Colin Sell was telling us that he's already received a total of four Christmas cards and he's very much hoping he might get another one this year.

Okay, in this round teams I'll read out some incomplete verses taken from genuine Christmas cards.

Your job is to try to guess how the original verse might have been completed.

Ahmed, here's the first Christmas card.

Can you finish this verse?

Stockings dress the mantelpiece neatly in a row.

The tree is decked with baubles bright, the cozy hearths aglow.

Carols echo through the halls as all await the roast.

But I burned the bleeding turkey, so all we've got is toast.

Fred, here's a corporate Christmas message for you.

Merry Christmas, valued customer.

We wish you festive cheer.

Could you please try a different card?

The last one failed to clear.

Milton, how about this?

Can you finish this Christmas card rhyme?

Tidings of comfort, tidings of joy, deck the halls with holly.

But first, I need to tell you that I failed the poetry module of my creative writing course.

May your day be jolly, merry, and bright, and your Christmas time be jolly.

Lucy, how about this one?

I took a lick of the candy cane and oh, it tasted yummy.

Now daddy with a great big smile is saying thank you, mummy.

Yeah, they used to be on the Christmas tree, but now it's in my tummy.

Merry Christmas.

Omit, can you finish this one?

It's your baby's first Christmas, a time you'll both enjoy.

It doesn't really matter if you buy sweeties or a toy.

Because he won't remember a bloody thing.

Because all children are special.

They bring innocence and fun.

The years of special magic have only just begun.

What a lie that is.

Milton, can you complete this Christmas message?

A gift of a robin this Christmas is a loved one saying hello.

You might not be able to see them.

Because they're under the patio.

And they'll set your hearts aglow.

And Fred, can you complete this Christmas card?

Snowflake, snowflake in the sky.

Love to watch you floating by.

Down you fall upon the ground.

And then you melt and turn to slush because life is feckin' meaningless.

It is the correct answer.

All right, look, here are a couple for any of you to have a go at.

To parents at Christmas.

The best gift at Christmas is easy to see.

It's not wrapped in paper or under the tree.

The best gift at Christmas and all the year through.

Is taking away Chris Rear's car keys.

All right, so he's having great parents as special as you.

Merry Christmas, mum and dad.

And finally, a sympathy card at Christmas.

Sympathy at Christmas.

Your first Christmas without him.

How we wish that he was here to celebrate with all of us at this special time of year, but...

He's still dead.

Oh, Fred.

Who hurt you?

It's actually, he's never far away because he's here in all our hearts.

Okay.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

But in commemoration of the dorking chicken, there is just time to squeeze in a quick round of Chicken Farmer's songbook.

At Christmas, an increasingly popular alternative to turkey is the Capon, a neutered male chicken prized for its exceptional taste.

It's been championed by our own Samantha in her role as a judge for the National Poultry Guild.

This year, the competition between producers was intense, but after an enjoyable afternoon spit roast, Samantha was able to narrow it down to a single gentleman breeder from nearby Ockley, who not only receives a personal commendation from her for a very fine stuffing, but also a coveted Great Taste Award for his prize-winning cock.

I've told you, just don't open any more emails from Sadiq Khan.

I'm not

so teams, your suggestions, please, of songs to suit an audience of chicken farmers.

Fred, you can go first.

The ballad of John and York.

Ahmed.

Abba, sing a new song, chicken tea car.

Milton?

Don't look back in anger.

Lucy.

I should be so clucky, clucky, clucky, clucky.

In the gravy.

You spin me right round, baby, right round, like a rotisserie baby, right round, right, right, round.

Alice, Alice, who the

You can ring my neck.

KFC, it's easy as one, two, three.

Lay, lady, lay.

Ain't no mountain high energy

Coops upside your head.

Say coops upside your head.

Can you hear the drums, Fernando?

And so, ladies and gentlemen,

as the tatty tinsel of time dislodges the prickly pine needles of posterity into the freshly shampooed shagpile of eternity, I notice it's very nearly the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Dorking, it's a Merry Christmas and goodbye.

Goodbye.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steen and Stephen Dick.

The producer was John Naismith.