Series 83 - 6. Dinner Table or Bedroom

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the Antidote to Panel Games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm sorry I hadn't a clue.

We come to you from the historic market town of Dorking

Known throughout the world as the gateway to junction 9 of the M25.

The symbol of Dorking is the Dorking cockerel which is commemorated in the town by a 10-foot statue of a cockerel.

The statue was erected in 2007 on the Deep Dean roundabout and is often decorated by the local council to commemorate certain events.

Last Valentine's Day it sported a knitted red heart and during the 2012 Olympics it wore a gold Olympic medal.

And to commemorate a recent visit by Jacob Rees-Mogg, the 10-foot cock was left as it is.

Dawkins' most famous son was of course Sir Lawrence Olivier.

Born on the 22nd of May 1907, Olivier was always destined for theatrical greatness.

Indeed, parish records detailed his birth as born this day to Gerard and Agnes Olivier, a six-pound, four-ounce, dear, dear boy.

In early 2000, a statue was proposed in the town to honour Sir Laurence Olivier as the greatest actor of all time, whose 1948 performance as Hamlet set the standard against which all future Hamlets would be judged.

And yet his proud hometown still thought, nah, we'll go with a chicken.

Legendary composer and symphonist Ralph Vaughan Williams lived in Dorking.

It's claimed he wrote The Lark Ascending after seeing the songbird in a local meadow one crisp, bright winter's morning.

And after subsequently catching a heavy cold, which he was forced to endure without a handkerchief, he composed Fantasia on green sleeves.

In 1971, actor Oliver Reed bought nearby Broom Hall.

The legendary Hellraiser was banned from his local pub for descending a chimney completely naked one evening and shouting, Ho, ho, ho, I'm Santa Claus.

According to the Surrey Advertiser, he emerged from the fireplace with a sooty beard and slightly singed sack

and talking of spoiling a good night out let's meet the teams

on my right please welcome Lucy Porter and Fred Macaulay

and on my left Milton Jones and Omegalini

and Taking his place on the scoring desk next to me, please welcome our resident Tree Trunk in Trunks, the Immaculate Sven.

Well, we start this week with a round called Famous Last Words.

In this round, teams, I'd like you to suggest words, the uttering of which would almost certainly result in death or serious injury.

Lucy, you can start.

Oh, this is the life.

The only thing that could improve this hot bath is some lovely fresh toast.

Milton.

So if you're going to buy that hand grenade, can I have your pin, please?

Fred.

Now listen, mate, I've got an A-level in chemistry, trust me.

H2SO4 is water.

Ahmed.

Don't worry, mum.

Matt Hancock says it's completely safe.

Oh, I wonder where the mummy bear is.

Jump out the plane, 4,000 feet, 3,000, 2,000.

I pull the cord, my kagoul tightens.

Abdullah, can I borrow your vest?

Hey, that's not a joke for you.

I, Prince Harry, take you, Megan.

Well, it's time for a musical round now, as I ask the team to sing one song to the tune of another.

It's a complicated round which bears some explanation.

Try to imagine a song's tune as a digital wristwatch, whereas the accompanying words or lyrics are the numbers on the screen.

Whilst the casing of the wristwatch or tune remains the same, the digits or lyrics are free to change.

Of course, if you have an analog watch, you should always remember to wind it.

Otherwise, you'll be left with two useless hands that can't keep time.

Which reminds me, at the piano, Colin sung.

Incidentally, Colin was telling us that during the 70s, he'd toured with the stones.

And thankfully, after a quick blast of shockwave therapy, he was able to pass them painlessly in his urine.

Okay, we'll start with you.

Lucy Porter, I would like you to sing the words of Girlfriend in a Coma by the Smiths to the tune of Is This the Way to Amarillo?

Girlfriend in a coma.

I know, I know it's serious.

Girlfriend in a coma.

I know, I know it's really serious.

There were times when I could

have murdered her.

But you know, I would hate anything to happen to her.

No, I don't want to see her, do you?

Really think she'll pull through, do you?

Really think she'll pull through, do you?

Ooh, girlfriend in a coma.

I know, I know it's serious.

My mama,

my baby, goodbye.

There were times when I could have strangled her.

But you know I hate anything to happen to her.

Lisa, I have to say, producers of Oklahoma at the West End's Wyndham Theatre have been in touch and he wants to know how you feel about selling programs this Saturday.

You now, Milton Jones, I'd like you to sing the words of Smack My Bitch Up by the Prodigy to the tune of the theme from Blankety Blank.

Change my bitch up, smack my bitch up.

Change my bitch up, smack my bitch up.

Change my bitch up, smack my bitch up, smack my bitch up.

smack my bitch up

you lily you're next I'd like you to sing the words of relax by Frankie Ghost to Hollywood to the tune of perfect day by Lou Reed

Relax don't do it

when you want to go to it

Relax, don't do it when you want to come

Relax, don't do it

When you want to suck it, chew it

Relax, don't do it when you want to come

But shoot it in the right direction make making it your intention

Live those dreams, scheme those schemes Got to hit me, hit me, hit.

Hit me with those laser beams.

Thank you, Ahmed.

And finally, Fred Macaulay, I'd like you to sing the words of Single Ladies by Beyoncé to the tune of Leonard Cohen's Hallelujah.

All the single ladies,

all the single ladies,

all the single ladies,

all the single ladies,

all the single ladies, all the single ladies,

all the single ladies.

Now put your hands up

up in the club.

We just broke up.

I'm doing

my

own little thing, decided to dip.

And now

you want a trip, cause another brother noticed me.

I'm up on him, he up on me.

Don't pay him any attention.

Just cried my tears for three good years.

You can't be mad at me, cause if you liked it,

then you should have

put a ring on it.

If you liked it,

then you should

have put

a ring on it.

Fred Macaulay there, and to think he walked 500 miles to get here.

Well this next round is that popular favorite name that motorway.

In this game I'll be playing short recordings of traffic and all the players have to do is to identify that stretch of motorway including the nearest junction.

Well I can see the audience are raring to go.

But before they leave let's play a round of and name that motorway.

Thank you, Colin.

Right, Buzzers at the ready.

Here's recording and number one.

Lucy.

That's the M3 at junction 13.

It's absolutely correct.

But which carriageway?

When you've done the hard bit, have a go.

Could I hear the clip again?

You may, and to help you, I'll play it backwards.

So that sounds like Lorries on the inside lane travelling southwards.

It's the northbound carriageway.

Is incorrect, I'm sorry.

I'm going to have to open it up.

Milton.

Well, if it's not northbound, could that be by any chance southbound carriageway?

It is absolutely correct.

Yes.

Yes, lucky guess there, Milton.

But as it happens, just after passing the M3 junction 13, I alighted at a service station because I had a sudden craving for a bag of Werthers originals and a poo.

Just thought you might enjoy the anecdote.

Yes, Fred.

Yeah, I can't allow that to pass.

Surely the Welcome Break service station is miles away from M3 Junction 13, is it not?

A correct challenge, Fred.

Yes,

I know that welcome brake very well.

I once spent a very happy three days there charging my Tesla.

So points go to Fred.

Here's recording number two.

That's the M4 just past junction five westbound.

Yeah, that was quick.

It's my favourite stretch.

Is this?

Yeah,

so many memories.

A couple of years ago, Jack, I was just leaving the M4 motorway at junction five and passing a farm when a cokerel ran out in front of the car.

I'm afraid I ran it over.

So, of course, I went to the farm.

I said to the farmer's wife, Look, I'm sorry, but I've run over your cockerel and I'd like to replace it.

She replied, Well, please yourself, the hens are around the back.

Ahmed is buzzed in.

Ahmed, I should warn you, you can't buzz in just because you've heard it before.

I'm pretty sure there's no farm at junction five.

I think you're thinking of junction seven.

I think Ahmed's right.

In fact, yes.

There is a farm at junction seven, but the farmer's unmarried.

You've confused it with junction nine.

Thanks, Milton.

Bad luck, Fred.

You may want to check that marriage was legal.

Well here's recording three.

Yes Ahmed.

That's Scotland isn't it?

You tell me.

I'm pretty sure that's the M17 bottleneck at Ruther Glen.

Well it could be but on the date of the recording that stretch was closed to traffic.

Anyone else?

Lucy?

M1 junction four northbound?

No, Lucy, and if you think about it, you'll realise what a silly answer that is.

Just really, really sorry.

Nobody?

Well, that surprises me.

I thought you'd be all over it.

It was the Italian motorway A7 Milan to Genoa,

junction 23,

Milton.

Southbound.

Sorry, Milton.

I would have accepted Dirato Asud.

We could go on playing this all night, but it's important to remember, tiredness can kill.

So on to the next round.

This next round is called The Symptoms, and it's all about the world of medicine.

A few years ago, I became run down and moody and experienced a complete loss of sex drive.

So I googled my symptoms symptoms to find out what I might have.

Turned out it was kids.

Apparently, the problem can take as long as 18 years to clear off.

Well, in this round, the teams will assume the role of doctors and patients suffering from an imaginary medical condition.

And you can be the patients Ahmed and Milton.

And the identity of your mystery medical condition will now be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here's the mystery voice.

Milton and Ahmed think they're cutlery.

Milton and Ahmed think they're cutlery.

Do come in, I'm just warming my hands up here, Fred.

I'm just cooling mine down.

Hey up, we're just down from Sheffield.

I feel like I'm just not cutting it anymore.

I find I can't take the risks I used to, and I really don't like it when the stakes are too high.

Of course it's not all bad.

I do have a supportive wife.

We've been together since wedding day.

It was a beautiful service but the romance has gone.

I remember we used to love a good spoon

and these days we don't have anywhere near the number of forks we used to have.

You're not wrong.

It's been years since I've been held properly.

Yeah, me too.

I think I regularly used to get laid on the dining table.

On the plus side, we do like it when the whole family gets together at Christmas, all of us round the table, even the ones that no one has seen since last Christmas.

And we really don't know what they're for.

Like all Christmases, things can get a bit tense.

You're right, last year it was so tense around the table you could cook the atmosphere with Uncle Derek.

Yeah, he scares me.

I'll tell you who really scares me.

Who's that?

Yuri Galler.

I think

I've written down knives, but I think they're maybe blunt.

But there's more to it than that.

Would you think, Luce?

Well, the wedding was mentioned in a canteen of cutlery.

I forgot it.

Well, they think they're cutlery.

Yeah,

they think they're cutlery.

Well, the next game is a musical one entitled Songstoppers.

In this round, panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs.

It's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

At the piano, we have Colin Sell.

Incidentally, Colin tells us that in the 70s he wrote the theme from MASH.

It proved to be so popular, the sales of dehydrated instant potatoes went through the roof.

You can go first, Ahmed and Milton.

Can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

Are you going

to scarborough fair?

No.

When I walk on by,

girls be looking like dabbled fly.

I pimp to the beat,

walking on the street in my new Lafreque.

Yeah,

this is how I roll.

Animal print, pants out of control.

Lovely to meet you, Mr.

Gove.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart.

The very next day, you gave it away.

Yeah, I told you I needed a kidney.

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack.

And you may find yourself in another part of the world.

And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile.

And you may find yourself in a beautiful house with a beautiful wife.

That is the vaguest horoscope I've ever heard.

I don't think Granny can hear you.

Early each day to the steps of St.

Paul's, the little old bird woman comes

in her own special way to the people she calls.

It was Quasi's fault, not mine.

Have you seen the old man in a closed-down market

kicking up the papers with his worn-out shoes?

That used to be Jack D.

All right, your turn, Lucy and Fred.

Can we have your first line medley now, please?

We're walking in the earth.

We're floating in the moonlit sky.

This is some seriously good shit.

Sunday, Monday, happy days.

Tuesday, Wednesday, happy days.

Thursday, Friday, happy days.

Saturday, what a day.

Yep, and Saturday's when the PROS Act ran out, wasn't it?

Take me out

tonight

where there's music and there's people and the young and the light.

So yeah, basically anywhere other than dorking.

The first time

ever I saw

your face,

I thought the sun

rose in your eyes.

That's very kind, but it it's actually glaucoma.

Why does it always rain on me?

Because you live in Scotland, Fresno.

We're no strangers to love.

You know the rules, and so do I.

No, Ainal.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

But there is just time to fit in a quick game of late arrivals at a wedding.

It'll come as no surprise to anyone that Sven is a highly experienced camponologist.

And last week, he shared his skills with a novice group of gentlemen bell ringers, keen to learn how to ring for a wedding.

After a lot of tugging in the vestry, which resulted in a round of very uplifting dongs, to complete the experience, Sven asked the Verger to show them what the old organ could do while he took every one of them up the aisle.

In this round, teams, I'd like you please to announce the late arrivals at a wedding.

Lucy, you can start.

So good to see Mr.

and Mrs.

Arzadafew and their son, Vic Arzadafew.

Ahmed, please welcome Mr.

and Mrs.

Inali less tedious than the man her sister married and their daughter Marge Inali tedious than the man her sister married.

Delighted to say the arrival has just occurred of Mr.

and Mrs.

Money Runs Out, she'll be off a bet

and their daughter Wendy money runs out, she'll be off a bet.

Milton.

Please welcome Mr.

and Mrs.

Istrioff Ismail Zofwe

and their son, Registry Office Smelton.

And joining us all the way from Sweden, it's Mr.

and Mrs.

Chance at Freedom and their son, Lars Chance at Freedom.

From Scotland, Mr.

and Mrs.

Estley think thistle last

and their son John Estley think thisle last.

I'm very pleased to announce Mr.

and Mrs.

Terring Firm Just Wentbust

and their daughter Kate Turing Firm just went bust.

And now please welcome Mr.

and Mrs.

Horrible Feeling of Shag the Bride

and their son Ivan Audible Feeling of Shag the Bride

Ladies and gentlemen please welcome Mr.

and Mrs.

Riffeis the Vic on the Walton Up

sadly they couldn't make it today

Oh, but who's just come in?

It's Mr.

and Mrs.

Riffais the Vic on the altar and their son Zach Riffais the Vicar on the altar.

And so ladies and gentlemen, as the tepid tomato of time is left uneaten on the full English plate of fate, before the shocking chef of shamelessness pops it on the next punter's plate of posterity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So from the team, Sven, myself and our audience here in Dorking, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Omit Jamili, Lucy Porter, Milton Jones, and Fred McCauley were being given silly things to do by Jack D, with Conincell setting some of them to music.

The program consultants were Fraser Steen and Stephen Dick, and the producer was John Maismith.