Series 83 - 6. Dinner Table or Bedroom

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue.

You join us today on a visit to Bournemouth,

known throughout the world as the town that always sleeps.

Bournemouth's founding father was Lewis Tregonwell, who fell in love with the region's untouched heathland and the wide variety of indigenous wildlife.

And if visitors today are keen to experience Bournemouth's untouched heathland and wide variety of indigenous wildlife, tough

J.R.R.

Tolkien regularly visited Bournemouth to write, always staying in room 205 at the Hotel Miramar with its desk overlooking the sea.

Tolkien's room has been left untouched, and every year thousands of Hobbit fans make the pilgrimage to see the original ring that the author left around the bathtub.

Only seven miles from Bournemouth is Poole Harbour, where tourists can take a ferry to the nearby nature haven that is Brownsea Island.

Of course, if it weren't for Wessex Water, it'd still be known as Blue Sea Island.

The coastline just west of Bournemouth, called the Jurassic Coast, is one of the only places where you can stand face to face with 185 million years of history.

If you fancy coming face to face with 185 million years of history without leaving Bournemouth, get a job at the Royal Bath Hotel serving Sunday lunch to the guests.

The veteran DJ Tony Blackburn grew up in Bournemouth, though he's not been seen here for several years, not since Tony was sunbathing on the Jurassic coast and got accidentally collected by a fossil hunter.

Nearby Wimbourne is the headquarters of the Farrow and Ball Paint Company.

Founded by John Farrow and Richard Ball, Farrow got the idea for the company whilst on Safari in Kenya when he saw through the early morning mist an elephant breathe out and immediately thought, I could flog that for 90 quid a tin.

The town's football club is AFC Bournemouth.

Formed in 1899 today, AFC Bournemouth regularly tops the Premier League.

But then the season starts and the teams stop being listed in alphabetical order.

Let's meet the teams.

On my right, please welcome Marcus Brixtock and Rachel Parris.

And on my left, Miles Duck and Tony Hawkes.

And taking her place at the desk next to me to enjoy an evening of scoring, please welcome the ever-delightful Samantha.

Well, we begin this week with a round called Change a Letter, Ruin a Film.

A mere reference to the United States in a movie title is seen as a guarantee of box office success.

Sadly, the same can't be said of similar films featuring British place names.

It's probably why no one's even heard of Mr.

Smith Goes to Warrington,

Debbie Does Dawlish,

or Things to Do in Dudley When You're Dead.

Teams, I'd like you please to change just one letter of a well-known film title in a manner likely to completely ruin it.

Marcus, you could start this.

Romancing the Scone.

Rachel?

Petty Woman.

Miles.

Gary Poppins.

Tony.

to Russia with Gove

Apocalypse, wow,

Priscilla Cuief of the desert

Pilates of the Caribbean

Soiling Point,

my best friend's welding

Beauty and the yeast

Forest Gimp

Schindler's Lisp

Minging in the Rain

Kelly's Herpes

All that jizz.

Okay, well, it's now time for a round

called word for word, and it's all about words.

The Japanese have a word buketo, which describes the act of gazing vacantly into the distance without a thought in your head.

Of course, in English, we don't have a word for that.

Our nearest equivalent would be working at JD Sports.

In this round, I'd like one team to take it in turn to exchange a series of words while the opposing team should challenge if they detect a connection between any of these words.

So I'd like you to start to exchange completely unconnected words, Marcus and Rachel.

Miles and Tony, your job is to try to spot a connection.

If I uphold the challenge, I'll ask you to take over and so on.

So off you go, please.

Marcus and Rachel.

Lynctus.

Stansted.

Mirth.

Carbonate.

Plow.

Shepherd.

Tony Hawkes came in there with a connection that seems to be.

Surely any shepherd working on a farm hides his sheep under the plow when it rains?

I think, sorry, Jack, Tony's claim here is that a farmer mixing arable with livestock, and that's not the sort of farm that either Rachel or I were describing.

I can see I've been a fool.

They chose their words very carefully, not to mix up the two different agricultural disciplines.

And there will be a lot of farmers who were listening up to that point who've now

simply given up as if Brexit wasn't hard enough for them, Tony.

You've

really trodden on the neck of the farming community.

I hope my net batters is onto you.

I can only apologise.

If only panellists would think of it more carefully before buzzing in.

Over to you,

Marcus,

because you know, it was going quite well.

It relies on getting a certain rhythm going, and then you come in unnecessarily and destroy that.

But anyway, we'll try and get it.

I mean, this is seaside round here mostly, but nonetheless, there's a respect for the new forest and the land that surrounds it.

That's very much what you were alluding to, and I appreciated it.

I think everyone in Bournemouth did.

It's just a totally

good scene that that's what Marcus and Rachel were trying to set up here.

I mean, it's just a bit of fun.

Yeah, yeah, I'm doing it.

Yeah, look, I'm so, so sorry.

Oh, well, there goes the atmosphere.

I've let you down.

I've let the farmers down.

I've let myself down.

I don't know how I'm going to carry on.

I can't believe you've made yourself the victim here.

Wow.

Wow.

It's all about Tony, isn't it?

Anyway,

back to Rachel and Marcus.

Are you okay to carry on?

Yeah, happy to.

Miles is.

Can I just apologise for Tony's behaviour?

Yes.

I've accepted Miles and I thank you.

Yes, thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you, Rachel and Marcus.

Sorry, I've got a tear coming in as well.

Marcus and Rachel.

Cheese.

Tony.

Be careful, Tony.

I once trod on some cheese next to a plow.

That seems fair, yeah.

I don't have a problem with that.

See, you've got to say, Tony, bang to right.

It's perfectly simple when you concentrate.

Tony and Miles.

Celete.

How dare you?

Marcus.

Well,

it's all supposed to be in a bit of fun, isn't it?

Exchanging ideas.

Brand name, straight away.

Wallet.

What about the other makers of various sticky bap tapes?

I've no doubt Miles would have come straight in with one, I would have thought.

That would have been a connection, wouldn't it?

Are you drunk?

Anyway, the objection has been upheld by Marcus, who rightly rightly picked you up for using brand product.

I don't know, you've got shares in it or something, have you, Tony?

Just leave me alone, all of you.

Trick.

Trombone.

Bait.

Miles has come in with a connection.

You can actually, if you're trying to lure brass enthusiasts,

you.

I'm sure you can see where I'm going with this.

Yes.

You'd be mad not to use trombone as a bait.

Yes.

Fair enough.

It all makes sense when you put it that way.

Thank you.

Tony and Miles, over to you.

May I just say scotch tape?

Well,

yes, for impartiality reasons, we can allow that.

And the gong tells us that's gone on far too long.

Well, the next round is all about the wonders of the human body.

The American tech billionaire Brian Johnson has recently recently garnered media attention for his extravagant health regime as he plans to live forever.

The 45-year-old software mogul takes 111 pills a day, undergoes half a dozen medical interventions each week, and goes to bed no later than 8:30 p.m.

Who would have thought that a tech billionaire would have so much in common with a Bournemouth pensioner?

Well, in this round, the teams will assume the role of doctors and patients suffering from an imaginary medical condition.

And you can be our patients, Rachel and Marcus.

The identity of your mystery medical condition is now being displayed to our theatre audience via the laser display screen.

For listeners at home, here is the mystery voice.

Rachel and Marcus think they're library books.

Rachel and Marcus think they're library books.

Rachel and Marcus, you must outline your symptoms to doctors Miles and Tony, and then they'll be awarded points based on how accurately they're able to diagnose your condition.

Off you go.

Oh, hello, doctor.

Thank you for seeing us.

That's all right, come on in.

Sorry, I'm late.

There's not a fine, is there?

Yeah, thank you for the appointment.

I paged you, which I think is

happening.

I also just like to apologise for the state of my jacket.

It is rather

tattered and dusty.

I'm in a bit of a bind.

It's a long story.

It's my spine.

I think it might be damaged.

And I'm not the same at all since I had my appendix taken out.

I can never really hold down relationships.

Like, no one ever takes me out more than once.

I don't want to end up permanently on the shelf.

I got stamped on.

I've been sectioned wrongly.

I mean,

no one seems to want me, which is very hard to understand.

I mean, look, I'm completely ripped.

But you have been horribly thumbed.

I have.

Oh, and I think I might be pregnant, doctors.

It's actually my first.

I've been told I'm two weeks overdue.

Well, we may be able to help you, because I know that Miles recently has been working a bit in a library, haven't you, Miles?

Yes.

Dr.

Miles, I've been there.

Yes, I've been working in a library.

And one of the things I've noticed is, and I don't know if it's sort of dust that rises in the books, but a lot of people have been getting this, is people that come to the library orthodox as believing that they are themselves library books.

As librarians, we don't actually have time anymore for people that come in to want to take books out because everyone's just researching their family tree or getting new

recycling bags or having to give them methadone or whatever it is.

So easy.

Books have actually taken a back seat.

Easy, easy, Dr.

Miles.

If you want a book and a Richard and Judy, God, don't worry about us.

Well, this next round is about the lost art of letter writing.

It was announced recently that Egyptian archaeologists had unearthed letters containing the original blueprint for the world's first pyramid.

Apparently, the unique pyramid shape of the tomb was the idea of the then ruler of Egypt, Pharaoh Roche.

Okay, the teams will now take it in turns to improvise some written correspondence with two players providing one word each at a time.

Tony and Miles, I'd like you to start by composing a letter of complaint to Bournemouth Christchurch and Pool Council.

And And then Rachel and Marcus, you'll come up with a reply, and so on.

So off you go, please.

Miles and Tony.

Dear Bournemouth Christchurch and Poole Council,

I am writing to you because I spent 40 weeks

of my life up

your

lamppost.

it's hurt

my

bottom

and its surroundings.

So

your

council are shit.

They don't seem to to know why

a cat

shouldn't pee

on

their doorsteps.

Yesterday, my brother stepped in some cat piss

and now he's dead.

When will you idiots do something about cats pee in this weather?

You are unbearable.

You are unbelievable.

You are under the wagon.

So there.

Dear sir,

we pride ourselves on our cat

disposal

vehicles

and

they

have roamed the streets of Bournemouth, Poole, and

the

Christchurch

area,

removing all of the cats which we hate so much.

Now, lampposts.

If you choose to spend your life in a lamppost,

that is

your choice.

We cannot legislate for dicks.

Farewell

to you and farewell to the cats.

Well, it's now time for a round that's all about the world of television, which seems to announce a new programme commissioned daily.

Capitalising on the success of their 1950s drama featuring the trials and tribulations of expectant mothers in the East End, the BBC have announced a contemporary medical drama featuring the trials and tribulations of a group of ordinary patients begging but not being allowed to see their GP.

They've titled it Call the Receptionist.

Now, the people whose job it is to come up with ideas for radio and TV shows can be remarkably lazy with their programme titles, so I'll ask the teams to share examples of programs where the content has been contrived to suit what someone thought would make a clever title.

So, Miles, you can start this.

Streaming now, George Simonins, Parisian detective, is unaware of just how much he's had to drink and begins to sing wistfully.

That's May Gretz, I've had a few, but then again, too few to mention.

Now on ITBX.

Marcus.

Next on BBC One, a dramatization of the biblical figure Noah and his failed attempt to make a bicycle, bicycle, followed by his first unsuccessful attempt to build a giant boat.

That's his arcs worse than his bike.

Tomorrow at 10.

Rachel.

Also on BBC One tonight, we'll be revealing the shocking results of a four-year investigation into exactly what goes into Japanese noodle soup.

That's Pano Raman on BBC One.

Tony.

At 10 o'clock here on Channel 4, a team of celebrity judges have to choose between Gardiner Monty Don, film producer Carlo Ponty or model Katie Price.

That's Monte Carlo or bust at 10.

On BBC Two tonight, a hard-hitting documentary following the sufferers of coastal chest infections.

That's the Great British Bay Cough

on BBC Two.

Coming up on BBC One, Snoop Dogg presents a new reality house clearance show in which members of the public start clearing out their lofts before giving up and ordering pizza.

That's hash in the attic.

Next on four, Phil and Kirstie visit lots of white people whose calling in life is to find the perfect place to go on holiday.

That's Location, Vocation, Caucasian Vacation.

Over on Brick Vox, a rerun of a classic detective series where crimes are solved by a group of jellyfish, all bearing an uncanny resemblance to Patricia Routledge.

That's Hetty Wainthrop Invertebrates.

Over on Brick Vox.

Later on film four, classic British comedy as Hugh Grant returns from a shower of rain, removes his Kagoul, waterproof trousers and galoshes before his agent calls with news of a part as a chain smoker in a French film.

That's four wet things and a fume arole.

Later, on foot.

Well, the next game is a musical one entitled Songstoppers.

Panelists from each team will take it in turn to sing the opening line to a series of well-known songs, and it's the job of their teammate to answer each opening line in a manner likely to end the song altogether.

At the piano, we have Colin Sell.

Fans of Colin may be interested to learn that he spent every evening last week with one half of Supergrass.

Soup.

Well, you can go first, Marcus and Rachel.

Can we have your medley of first lines now, please?

It's late in the evening.

She's wondering what clothes to wear.

Pajamas, presumably.

Girl,

you'll be a woman

soon.

I'm thirty-seven and I'm head of HR.

Right.

We've only just begun.

Yeah, sorry, I was nervous.

Love on the rocks

ain't no surprise.

Surprise me, I've got a pebble in my left.

Once I had a love and it was a guess.

I heated the love and it was a liquid, named the element.

In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun.

Yeah, you've never put a double duvet cover on before, have you?

I get get no kick from champagne

Mere alcohol

doesn't thrill me at all Have you tried ketamine?

There's a stranger in my bed There's a pounding in my head Glitter all over the room Pink flamingos in the pool Dear five in the big brother house

Okay, your turn now.

Miles and Tony, can we have your first line medley?

People tried to put us down.

Well, that's because you're sick animals and we're all vets.

Don't take coffee, I take tea, my dear.

Like my toast done on one side.

This is a travelodge.

You take what you're given.

I am he, as you are, he, as you are me, and we are all together.

Look, the best I can do you is one family ticket and two singles.

Maybe I didn't treat you

quite as good as I should have.

You didn't pay much attention to my grammar class either.

Well, I'm running down the road, trying to loosen my load.

Have you tried prune juice?

Jeepers, creepers,

where'd you get those peepers?

Jeepers, creepers,

where'd you get those eyes?

From a medical waste bin.

Open gangnam style.

Open gangnam style.

Nader and Taser in the Ganyan Yigan Yodja.

yanya go siga kilo kiurin ni kud yodja.

Bami un yun si meni go lo kierin samund yodja.

Kieran ban gan kierin yodja.

Well, that's not what I've got here.

Shall we try another?

Maybe mother's maiden name?

Dirty hot river, must you keep rolling?

Well, you tell me you work for Southern Water.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the herring gull of history dive bombs the chip shop of change before plunging beak first into the deep fat fryer of fate, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the team, Samantha, myself, and our audience here in Bournemouth, it's goodbye.

Goodbye.

Marcus Brigstop, Rachel Parris, Miles Jump, and Tony Hawks were being given silly things to do by Jack Dee, with Colin Sell setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steen and Stephen Dick, and the producer was John Maismith.