Series 83 - 6. Dinner Table or Bedroom

We present I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue, the antidote to panel games.

At the piano is Colin Sowell and your chairman is Jack Dean.

Hello and welcome to I'm Sorry Haven't a Clue.

We come to you once more from the beautiful seaside town of Bournemouth.

If not the beating heart of Dorset then certainly it's Pacemaker.

Bournemouth hosts the annual Wheels Festival, an event that showcases an impressive display of classic cars and motorcycles.

Not to be outdone, the simple folk of West Boscombe host their own Wheel Festival where they celebrate its recent discovery.

The waterfront complex, constructed on the seafront in 1998, was despised by residents and visitors alike because it completely blocked views of the bay and the Isle of Purbeck.

In 2005, it was voted the most hated building in England.

After a local petition, to the delight of residents, it was taken down and rebuilt on the Isle of Wight, where it's been widely welcomed

as it completely blocks the view of Portsmouth.

Mary Shelley, the author of Frankenstein, died in the town and is buried in St.

Peter's Church.

The weather spoons opposite the church is even called the Mary Shelley in her honour.

And the tribute to Frankenstein's monster doesn't end there.

Just take a look at the...

Can I get the punchlines out, please?

Just take a look at the clientele at closing time.

Bournemouth's West Cliff Railway is in the Guinness Book of World Records as the world's shortest funicular railway.

The journey takes 90 seconds or three hours on the replacement funicular bus service.

About three miles from Bournemouth, you'll find the Old Harry Rocks.

These three chalk formations stand majestically in the sea and mark the end of the Jurassic coast.

Alternatively, stand on Bournemouth Beach and see old Gary's rocks, the natural consequence of an 80-year-old man wearing speed-offs.

The Bournemouth Eye was a helium-filled balloon attached to a steel cable in the town's lower gardens.

However, when damage to the balloon in 2016 caused helium to escape, a decision was made to close it for good.

Following a rigorous investigation of the source of the leak, the council health and safety inspector surprised no one when he announced, This the chancel with charles parliament

but the bournemouth eye isn't the only airbag destined for the scrap heap

let's meet the teams

on my right please welcome marcus brickstock and rachel parris

And on my left, Miles Jupp and Tony Hawkes.

And taking his place on the scoring desk next to me please welcome our resident Tree Trunk in Trunks the Immaculate Sven

well we start this week with some new additions to the Uxbridge English Dictionary

A good English dictionary is essential for learning the subtle difference between words.

For example, many people mix up the Maasai and Ashanti tribes of Central Africa.

Well the Maasai are an ethnic group from eastern Kenya, known for their distinctive customs and bright red dress, whereas Ashanti is what Cornish fishermen sing.

But the meanings of words are constantly changing, teams.

So, your suggestions, please, for any new definitions you may have spotted recently.

Marcus, you can start.

Elite, a Geordie Lamp.

Rachel.

Chandelier, looking lasciviously at a beer and and lemonade.

Miles.

Equinox.

How you know when there's a horse at the door?

Tony.

Out of kilter.

Servant who assists a Scotsman in the bedroom.

Brandish, a cereal bowl.

Wow.

Funding.

Campanology for pleasure.

Baptist.

Like a dentist, but for bread rolls.

Falsetto.

A cornetto made with soya milk.

Ringbinder.

Emodium.

Document: the physician you were referring referring to.

Sycavant.

I still like Declo

Intern, where they put the ashes at a Yorkshire crematorium.

Hind quarters, where King Charles keeps his dogs.

Quisling, a child that won't stop asking bloody questions.

Hygienist, someone whose denim trousers come right up to the nipples.

Struggling, a baby struggle.

Legroom, a Frenchman on his wedding day.

Pubic for shaving in church.

centipede.

Someone's been eating asparagus.

Kinship.

Very annoying ship.

Okay, the teams are going to play a round of charades.

This game is all about miming, the theatrical technique of suggesting action, character, or emotions without words.

In Paris, French mimes took to the streets as part of their long-running dispute over pay and conditions.

Originally peaceful, fighting broke out and the capital's riot police were forced to disperse the protesting mime artists with wing cannons.

In our version of the game entitled Sound Sherads, team members are permitted the use of their voices.

Miles and Tony, you're going to start, please, and your title will shortly be displayed to the audience via the laser display screen.

And for listeners at home, here is the mystery voice.

Barbie.

Barbie.

And you'll be guessing this one, Marcus and Rachel.

Off you go, please.

Miles and Tony.

Okay, this is a film, and it's one word, and it goes like this.

All right, Bruce.

Yeah.

Alright I'm all right now old sport.

Yeah.

I'm glad you could make it over.

Over

I wouldn't miss this.

A social event themed around the outdoor grill based cooking operation

with which our country is synonymous.

I'd be over here shouting fair dinkum before you could waltz Matilda round the bellabomb.

You are a bloody good bloke, Bruce, and not in any way a stereotype.

No!

That's the last thing I had.

Just one thing, mate.

Is it just us, or are there going to be any Sheilas?

Oh, well, you know what Sheilas are like.

I mean, mine came in a box.

Oh, geez, I put that on the fire, mate.

Oh, hell, Bruce, you flaming goli.

Oh, God, I wondered what that smell of plastic was.

And that's it.

Wonderful,

wonderful accent work.

Yes.

Obviously, set in Holland.

For a while, I thought it was the over-long film Australia, but

it's more recent than that.

It was released this year, and it was Oppenheimer.

We think it was Barbie.

Yeah, Barbie.

Okay.

Your turn, Marcus and Rachel, and your title is now being exhibited on the laser display board.

And here again is the mystery voice from Smith Ad Home.

E.

T.

E.

T.

Well, this is a film, and it's two words that you're looking for.

Such a fresh pot, our mum.

That it is.

That it is, but you can keep your hands off it, Jebediah.

Oh, go on, just half a cup.

Nay, lad, it's for your father when he gets home from pit.

He won't miss half a cup.

I told thee, no.

When he gets home and sees a full potted to finest Yorkshire brew sitting on at table, you know what he'll say.

Aye, I do, ower, ma'am.

Here he is now.

Come in, love, sit you down, and look what I got waiting for you on table.

What do you say to that?

Film two words.

Film two words.

Is it taken to?

I have a special set of skills.

I will find thee and I will kill thee.

I mean, Yorkshire set.

There's mention of mining, mention of tea.

Is it tea too?

Table, cup.

What would you say when you came in?

You come to the door, you've just done a good old shift, Tony.

We don't really know what that's like, but let's imagine.

And you come in, and there's a cup of a guy in Yorkshire tea on the table.

You'd say

tea.

So only connect for idiots, isn't it?

Well, it's time now to play a game of Monopoly, the game where you compete to acquire property in London.

How unlike reality where it's all already been bought by the Qataris or that tit-off dragon's den.

There are lots of different versions of Monopoly on the market, including a Bournemouth edition where you compete to buy care homes.

Well, today the teams will be playing the Monopoly for Millennials edition, created to replicate the experience of the young homeowner of today.

I'll be acting as the bank of mum and dad.

And if you'd like to choose your pieces, Tony?

I'll be the sports car.

Then I can zoom around London at 11 miles an hour.

Sorry, this is a Millennials edition, Tony.

No millennial will ever be able to afford a sports car.

We've got millennial-friendly pieces here: a smartphone, a gym membership, zero-hours contracts.

Well,

I'll take the smartphone.

I'll take the OG boot.

I'll take the little box of antidepressants.

And I'll take the boat.

It's actually barge, Marcus.

Yes, the Bibby Stockholm barge.

Oh, right.

So, Tony, if you'd like to go

Certainly.

Here we go.

Oh, six and a two.

Let's just go.

Okay.

Oh, Euston Station.

Sorry, that should actually read Old Oak Common.

You now miss a go until 2040.

Marcus, your go.

Oh, double twos.

Ah, community chests.

Take a card.

Okay.

It says making reference to chests is just another example of the objectification of women

to pay Rachel £10 and go to jail.

Fair enough.

Great.

Rachel, we all go.

Two fours.

Oh, the Angel Islington.

I'll buy that, please.

Certainly, that's £900,000.

Right.

Well, that's going to leave me completely bankrupt.

You probably shouldn't have spent so much on avocado on toast, should you?

I'll tell you what, I'll let you have another go.

Thanks, okay.

Oh, waterworks.

I'll buy that.

Ah, sorry, it's already been sold off to the French.

In order to cover the fines, they've been charged for dumping sewage on beaches.

You'll have to pay a slightly increased water bill of, let me see, what, £900,000.

I can't pay that.

Alright, well, maybe you want to have another go.

You've always got to make it easier for the young people, haven't we?

What now?

Chance.

Okay, take a card.

New pension scheme.

Pay every player older than you £900,000.

Well, there you go.

Well, I mean,

I don't know.

Come on, Rachel.

Pay up.

I mean, mean, some of us have worked our whole lives, okay?

It's the problem with your generation.

You want something for nothing.

Mars, if you'd like to throw the dice.

Seven.

Oh, Mayfair.

You can buy that for £3.2 billion.

Oh,

I think my family already own.

Well, I mean, I haven't checked, I think so, though.

That's good enough for one.

That's all yours, then.

Social mobility in action.

Excellent.

Could you just pass the...

Thank you so much.

Will there be any inheritance tax to pay?

Not for long.

Well, that was a lot more fun than I thought.

Well, our next round is called In Their Own Words, and it reflects the life and habits of well-known personalities.

These days, thanks to the proliferation of social media, well-known personalities are under constant scrutiny.

Some thrive and some, like Rishi Sunak's trousers, come up short.

If you're listening, Prime Minister, I apologise to you and your tailor.

Back to school at Georgia Asda.

Okay, teams, I'm going to read to you from a selection of genuine magazine and newspaper cuttings concerning a famous person.

However, certain keywords or phrases have been removed, and your task is to suggest what the original wording might have been.

And I have here the words of the Dalai Lama.

So the Dalai Lama says, I wake every day at 3.30 a.m.

and immediately recite an inspirational stanza in praise of the Buddha, which reads, Go back to bed, it's too early.

In fact, it reads, enthused by great compassion, you taught the Immaculate teaching.

To dispel all perverted views, to you, the Buddha, I bow.

I then recite the last word as many times as possible using just one cornetto.

Using one breath.

After that, I do formal meditation, predominantly analytical meditation, to increase my chances of scoring big time with the chicks.

My understanding of the Buddha's teachings.

If there's time, I practice tantric yoga, which involves all the usual bollocks.

It involves imagining transforming death.

And then I'm on the treadmill, jogging for 40 minutes.

If you hold the rail firmly, you can...

Scratch your ass with the other hand.

Recite a prayer and meditate, too.

People ask if I've ever worn trousers.

The answer is only when it's conquer season.

It's only when it's very, very cold.

Breakfast is at 5:30 a.m.

A porridge called tzampa.

It's made from.

A sachet with a picture of a hunk and a kilt on it.

It's made from roasted barley.

And then I go to the bathroom or toilet where it's often more in hope than in expectation.

Puzzlingly, it says, where it's often heavy work.

If there is no office work, then I study Buddhist texts.

There's a Tibetan saying, if you read a book nine times, you weren't paying attention for the first eight.

You will have nine understandings.

My garden is very special to me.

Friends bring me beautiful orchids, but most of them die.

It's sad, but.

At least I still have the orchids.

But my garden is like a cemetery for orchids.

As a Buddhist monk, I don't eat dinner, just some bread, or maybe.

A simple roast with all the trimmings.

Biscuits.

Finally, around 8:30 p.m., I go to.

Absolute pieces.

I go to sleep.

Yes.

Well, let's try another round of that.

We have here the words from various publications of Donald Trump.

He starts with this.

I get up at 5 a.m.

every day.

From the moment I'm awake, I'm thinking about what jail is like.

Thinking about my business.

I take a shower, shave, and wash my hair.

I don't use a blow dryer.

Instead, I let my hair run around the bathroom till it's dry.

Slowly dry while I read the newspapers.

Once it's dry, I feed it and settle it on my head.

I comb it.

I don't visit a barber.

Instead, I look like a big orange.

Each morning I splash on a little cologne.

It's my own brand and it's called Huge Smell.

It's called Success.

I've got five kids, four of them are going to jail with me.

My youngest son, Baron, is an active kid, and once he's out of bed, he lets me know.

He wishes he was adopted.

he's around

most people are surprised by the way i work i play it very loose i don't carry a smidgen of remorse

a briefcase when i was a kid i wasn't interested in business dad made his money from real estate but i wanted to be a baseball player or a corgi registered plumber

or a filmmaker.

Entrepreneurs have to know how to kick ass too.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a good guy.

But if you're an idiot...

You can be the President of the United States.

But if you're an idiot, I'm not nice.

We've got a company worth $8 billion and we employ extremely creative accountants.

Thousands of people.

Melania really understands me.

She gives me tremendous alibis.

Tremendous space.

I've been with other people people who would say, Why aren't you talking to me?

Why aren't we walking down the street together?

Why.

Are you talking to that woman?

Why is your hair like that?

Why are you hiding those boxes of classified state secrets in the toilet?

Why aren't we doing this together?

But Melania will just up her dosage.

Well, just leave me.

I'm not a fan of Viagra.

I think Viagra is wonderful if you need it.

I've just never needed it.

Frankly, I wouldn't mind if there were an anti-Viagra, something with the opposite effect.

I'm not bragging.

I'm just...

Happy being soft.

I'm just lucky, I don't need it.

That's what he says.

I've always said, if you need Viagra.

You need to think about it long and hard.

He says, I've always said if you need Viagra, you're probably with the wrong girl.

If there's no business stuff to deal with, I'm in bed by 11 p.m.

or 12.

I know I can be forthright.

I say what's on my mind, and sometimes I lie there and think, Donald, where's your truces?

Why on earth did you say that, is what I think.

Well, it's very nearly the end of the show.

It's just time to fit in a quick round of taxi or bedroom.

Britain's most famous taxi driver is Fred Hauskow, the London cabby who won Mastermind in 1980.

After a shaky start on his specialist subject, Fred scored maximum points in the general knowledge round after turning the black chair around and answering the questions over his left shoulder.

In the round taxi or bedroom teams, I'd like you to come up with examples of things likely to be overheard in both a taxi and the bedroom.

Tony, you can start.

So, how many people have you picked up today?

Marcus.

And there's a little tip for you.

Rachel.

You can't go down there anymore, annoyingly.

Miles.

Seriously, can you be as quick as you can?

I've got a train to catch.

Have you ever had anyone famous in here?

I had that Christopher Biggins in the back before you.

You're not going south.

I'll wait for someone who does.

Oh, anywhere around here is fine.

How much to Oldham?

Look, since I'm going to be in here for a while, do you you mind if I slip my shoes off?

Yes, I do have a preferred route.

Oh, thank God you stopped, or I'd be soaking.

Do you want to go up the bypass?

The app says you've already come.

Can you fit four of us in?

That's all right, just pull off here.

Oh, thank you for stopping.

If you don't mind, I'll pay you after I've unloaded.

I don't know who's in here before me, but someone's left a terrible mess in the back.

I see you provide tissues.

That's a nice touch.

Why do you always come ten minutes after the time we arrange?

I can't allow a dog in here.

And so, ladies and gentlemen, as the truculent teenager of time in the noise-cancelling AirPods of Eternity fails to answer the increasingly pissed-off parents of posterity, I notice it's the end of the show.

So, from the teams, Sven, myself, and our audience here in Bournemouth, it's goodbye.

Marcus Brigstop, Rachel Parris, Miles Jupp, and Tony Hawks were being given silly things to do by Jack Dean, with Colin Sull setting some of them to music.

The programme consultants were Fraser Steam and Stephen Dick, and the producer was John Maismith.