#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Redband and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe. You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 5 The uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st.

Speaker 5 You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world.

Speaker 5 Snuggle up, stay warm, December 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored Kill Tonies live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas. This is a new super annual, amazing event.

Speaker 5 It is our biggest two-night event of the year, and we're super excited about it. It is on sale now.
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Get it for yourself. Love it or hate it.

Speaker 8 Live,

Speaker 9 December 30th and 31st.

Speaker 10 Hey this, it's Redmit coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony.

Speaker 11 It's great!

Speaker 12 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 14 Thanks so noise for the Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 14 One more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody.

Speaker 15 Carlos Sosa,

Speaker 19 Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez, Cinco Damayo, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys, and this is indeed the one and only the great and powerful.

Speaker 22 D-Madness on the bass guitar.

Speaker 23 Oh yeah, it feels good in here tonight.

Speaker 19 We're going to have a lot of fun.

Speaker 26 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Speaker 29 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Speaker 29 Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

Speaker 30 Happy to have you guys here. Just a few, uh, a few.

Speaker 18 Harry is spelled H-A-R-R-Y, by the way.

Speaker 8 Not, not Not Harry, H-A-I-R-Y.

Speaker 1 Good job.

Speaker 23 You thought he was a hairy potter?

Speaker 33 Like a guy with a lot of hair?

Speaker 34 We haven't even begun yet.

Speaker 35 It's unbelievable.

Speaker 24 Anyway,

Speaker 37 what is that even for?

Speaker 38 What are you doing over there?

Speaker 17 I just see you typing in H-A-I-R-Y potter.

Speaker 40 Like a hairy, like he's not even hairy.

Speaker 41 His first name's Harry.

Speaker 8 Okay.

Speaker 5 Ninjabuses.com. You can get an unbelievable bus trip to the HEB Center December 30th and 31st back to downtown Austin, Texas.
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Speaker 43 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 46 I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be. He's going the distance.
He was the highest paid TV star of all time. When it started to change, it was quick.

Speaker 44 He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show. Now, Charlie's sober.
He's going to tell you the truth.

Speaker 46 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 50 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 46 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 47 Somebody call action. Yeah.

Speaker 44 Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix September 10th.

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Speaker 52 I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone. Lowe's knows Sundays are for football.
That's why we're here to help you get your next DIY project done, even when the clock isn't on your side.

Speaker 52 Whether that's a new Filtrate filter or Bosch and Cobalt power tools, Lowe's has everything you need to feel like the MVP of DIY. So get it done and earn your Sunday.
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Speaker 56 Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Speaker 12 Every single week, I have two of the funniest people in the world.

Speaker 59 You know what I love about this month?

Speaker 60 This is New Guest Month here on Kiltoni.

Speaker 62 And these are two brands spanking new ones.

Speaker 64 One is a comedy veteran who just moved to Texas from beautiful New York City.

Speaker 66 The other is one of the most famous streamers in the world who came to visit the show last week.

Speaker 23 The whole staff fell in love with them, and we decided to have them here one week later.

Speaker 70 Ladies and gentlemen, makes the noise for tonight's guest.

Speaker 71 It's Dave Landau in Sketch.

Speaker 72 Oh boy.

Speaker 71 Oh my god, Dave Landau.

Speaker 71 Sketch.

Speaker 73 Get over here, Sketch.

Speaker 71 Sit down, buddy.

Speaker 72 Dave Landau.

Speaker 71 Dave Landau, Sketch.

Speaker 74 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 75 This episode is sponsored by Zippix.

Speaker 16 Dave Landau is on tourdavelandau.com.

Speaker 70 Sketch is one of the most famous streamers in the world.

Speaker 63 Never done stand-up comedy before in your life.

Speaker 69 Am I correct?

Speaker 76 No, sir. First time in front of a live audience.

Speaker 66 Look at that.

Speaker 9 This guy's used to just fucking sitting there, no pants on, whatever's going on in the wild world of streamers.

Speaker 69 I don't know.

Speaker 28 I don't ever see any of it, but I guess the kids love it.

Speaker 80 Hey, it's a little more formal, but I'm ready to

Speaker 76 came here ready to fuck up, so I guess we'll.

Speaker 81 Nailed it.

Speaker 70 How about a hand for Sketch's first live audience?

Speaker 82 You guys are it.

Speaker 74 That's pretty exciting.

Speaker 66 Dave Landau, a 20-year stand-up comedy veteran, quite the opposite, quite the mix here we have.

Speaker 83 Welcome, Dave.

Speaker 84 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 26 We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

Speaker 55 I'm looking forward to it.

Speaker 22 Very funny, man. I've seen a stand-up, a new resident to Texas.

Speaker 86 Am I correct?

Speaker 87 I've been in Dallas for a while.

Speaker 45 I've been coming to Austin finally, which is its own state.

Speaker 32 Exactly.

Speaker 18 Isn't that the truth?

Speaker 25 We're going to have a wild time tonight.

Speaker 26 Over 250 human beings signed up for this bucket.

Speaker 89 Oh, Jesus, I just spilled 12 names on the fucking thing.

Speaker 25 Anything can happen. I've been doing a thing where I have an audience member pick the first name.

Speaker 86 You have a great Kiltoni shirt on, sir.

Speaker 90 Go right ahead.

Speaker 89 Guy in a Philadelphia Eagles hoodie over here.

Speaker 86 What do we got? Let's do it. That looks fine.

Speaker 26 Not inside.

Speaker 63 Go wrangle them. And while they wrangle that comedian from across the street, let me me remind you guys that that bucket pool gets 60 seconds.

Speaker 48 Everyone does. You know, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten.
That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

Speaker 22 which interrupts them.

Speaker 61 And then I conduct an interview.

Speaker 16 We have fun with them.

Speaker 93 We figure out what else is interesting about them.

Speaker 89 What else could they joke about?

Speaker 79 Is that how their set always goes?

Speaker 88 Anything can happen.

Speaker 23 It's always wild.

Speaker 26 The whole thing's improvised.

Speaker 48 You guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Speaker 95 Let's start it with a a very special time,

Speaker 23 everybody. This young lady was made the most recent golden ticket winner just two or three weeks ago.

Speaker 79 And this is her first scheduled, brand new minute on the show.

Speaker 96 We're all very excited.

Speaker 63 The youthful, the powerful, the brand spanking new first scheduled appearance makes some noise for golden ticket winner the Kiltoni redebut of IA, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 31 Ia starting off the show.

Speaker 98 I'm in college. College is cool.
I like it because it's a time where you can learn things about yourself.

Speaker 98 Like I recently found out that I'm asexual.

Speaker 99 Okay.

Speaker 98 I'm asexual, so I'll sleep with any of my professors for a good grade.

Speaker 98 Except if they're women.

Speaker 98 I'm a straight straight A student.

Speaker 98 Oh, yeah. I'm a straight A student.
A lot of girls my age have sugar daddies. I don't know.
I couldn't do it. It doesn't seem right.

Speaker 98 Like, my dad also has diabetes, but I would never sell his insulin to pay rent.

Speaker 98 I'm, like, too scared of reaching for one of the needles, and then it pokes me. And now I have diabetes.

Speaker 98 I can't afford diabetes. $35 for a pair of socks.
No, thank you.

Speaker 100 No, I'm broke.

Speaker 98 I'm so broke the other day I Googled how to make gas at home.

Speaker 98 Step one is to control Afghanistan. So,

Speaker 98 okay, thank you guys.

Speaker 73 Aya,

Speaker 53 the new.

Speaker 12 Newest golden ticket winner with a brand new minute.

Speaker 101 Aya.

Speaker 69 Where are you going to college, Aya?

Speaker 98 Well, I just graduated. I wrote that joke while I was in college, but I was at UT.
I just finished there. Nice.

Speaker 81 Hell yeah.

Speaker 75 What did you study there?

Speaker 98 I studied film.

Speaker 2 Oh, cool.

Speaker 98 So I didn't do a lot of learning, but

Speaker 98 it's nice to walk around the campus and stuff.

Speaker 98 They have hammocks and stuff.

Speaker 24 Hell yeah. Sounds pretty chill.

Speaker 92 Is that expensive college, or do you get like a scholarship?

Speaker 98 No, I went for free. So the government.

Speaker 98 Thank you, government.

Speaker 67 Absolutely.

Speaker 96 Absolutely. The federal government?

Speaker 8 Was it the state government?

Speaker 98 I think it was a little bit of both. So UT gives out, like, they're really generous.

Speaker 98 The really generous people out there.

Speaker 8 To people like you.

Speaker 98 Yeah, that, yeah, they've told me I'm special in a lot of ways.

Speaker 98 They really have. Yeah.
They, like, because I'm a woman, so they like. They want you there and stuff.

Speaker 61 You ever do anything for extra scholarship money, like wear a burqa or drag a rainbow flag around or protest or anything?

Speaker 98 I had to do that stuff in high school.

Speaker 98 No, yeah, I used to do that stuff in high school.

Speaker 45 I love it. So you weren't Googling gas because you're pro-Palestine?

Speaker 98 No, I actually don't even use Google that often. Awesome.
It was just a joke.

Speaker 23 I thought you were going to say I don't even use gas.

Speaker 85 That you had an electric car.

Speaker 9 You have electric car energies.

Speaker 8 What kind of car do you have?

Speaker 98 Oh, I know. I have a

Speaker 98 gas car.

Speaker 37 Oh, very good.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 98 It's a Toyota.

Speaker 8 Hell yeah.

Speaker 63 Sketch, what are you thinking over here?

Speaker 86 I see you.

Speaker 76 So asexual?

Speaker 107 What do you think about me then?

Speaker 98 Are you actually asexual?

Speaker 3 You could probably Google that one.

Speaker 76 I don't know if anyone's been on Twitter.

Speaker 98 I actually thought I was asexual at one point, but I had an eating disorder, so I was severely malnourished. So maybe just try eating more.

Speaker 76 I like them

Speaker 76 all different types.

Speaker 45 Speaking. Speech people can't hurt you anymore.

Speaker 6 Speaking of all different types, does your dad really have diabetes?

Speaker 98 Yeah, he does, type two. So it was his fault.

Speaker 68 Amazing. Yeah.

Speaker 98 He deserves it.

Speaker 41 What do you think it was that gave him type two?

Speaker 98 So my dad is like obsessed with honey.

Speaker 98 So he got it from like honey and then like dates, like the Arab

Speaker 98 dried fruit, which is so lame. He doesn't like eat cakes or sugar.
It's just natural sugars that gave it to him.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 16 Honey and dates.

Speaker 91 It's amazing.

Speaker 64 Those are Red Band's healthiest snacks.

Speaker 37 Amazing. Oh, bother.

Speaker 8 There you go.

Speaker 109 That's my business partner, everybody.

Speaker 8 The old Harry Potter.

Speaker 111 Time to shave your potter down, for he is hairy.

Speaker 21 You'll figure it out.

Speaker 8 I can't wait.

Speaker 112 I can't wait.

Speaker 61 Any second now, it's going to all make sense.

Speaker 10 Aya, I love it.

Speaker 16 What else? Anything else before we let you go?

Speaker 113 Anything else crazy going on in life?

Speaker 98 Yeah, my dad has like this guy living in his backyard.

Speaker 103 Whoa.

Speaker 98 And he's like, he keeps giving him tasks to do around our backyard. Like, my dad has like a white slave, basically.

Speaker 37 Amazing.

Speaker 98 And it's, he's, like, on meth or something. And he just hangs out and he's been building a fence for my parents for like three months.

Speaker 45 Those are called Mexicans.

Speaker 98 No, no. This guy, because my dad, dad, like, he doesn't, he doesn't know Spanish, and he doesn't know English very well.

Speaker 98 So, him communicating with someone who doesn't speak English at all, this would be really tough. But, so he likes white labor.

Speaker 115 So, wow.

Speaker 93 So, the guy sleeps in your dad's backyard?

Speaker 98 So, I don't really, I don't live with him, but he's always there when I'm there.

Speaker 98 And sometimes he disappears for a little bit. My dad says every time he pays him, he disappears for three days.

Speaker 47 Wow.

Speaker 24 Amazing.

Speaker 45 That's called a drug addict.

Speaker 96 That is incredible.

Speaker 9 Well, very interesting stuff.

Speaker 64 Have you ever talked to this guy in your dad's backyard?

Speaker 98 No, I gave him cake the other day. He got really happy.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 89 Your dad's just like, God, I wish that was me.

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 98 Yeah, he couldn't have his.

Speaker 35 Diabetic father.

Speaker 98 Yeah, diabetes.

Speaker 41 Does he still use honey?

Speaker 98 Does he still use it? Yeah, he can't get over it. Like, every single night, even if he's good all day, he'll like binge a bunch of dates before he goes to bed.
Or like, he'll

Speaker 98 I've walked on him, just spoon.

Speaker 22 By the way, Red Band posted on Instagram at 4 a.m.

Speaker 33 last night a moldy Wendy's burger that he ate.

Speaker 93 He both complained about the burger and also ate, would you eat, half of it?

Speaker 24 Was it moldy? It was burnt.

Speaker 35 The bread was burnt? Yeah, no, the bread.

Speaker 54 No, the whole burger was burnt.

Speaker 61 That's what you were complaining about.

Speaker 34 But you also said something about mold.

Speaker 97 Last time I had a problem with Wendy's, it was moldy.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 22 And you complain online every time you get late-night drunk fast food and it's not good.

Speaker 8 Yeah. You,

Speaker 9 a wildly successful podcaster, goes online to complain about it.

Speaker 93 Do they ever give you what you want after that?

Speaker 32 Does that ever pay off?

Speaker 60 Is Wendy's ever like, here's fucking 20 bucks or something, dude?

Speaker 66 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 66 Really? Yeah.

Speaker 16 And that's what you do it for?

Speaker 21 It's fun, man.

Speaker 108 It's like coupon clipping.

Speaker 18 Oh, my God.

Speaker 111 Do you ever clip coupons?

Speaker 108 No, no. But I use coupon codes online.

Speaker 108 Where's my honey voice at?

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 120 Aya, way to get this show started.

Speaker 82 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 81 I love it.

Speaker 57 We're going to all watch her grow together.

Speaker 95 A star is born here on Kiltoni.

Speaker 15 The Kiltony first ever scheduled set by Aya, everybody.

Speaker 31 Oh snap.

Speaker 122 Heidi has arrived, everybody.

Speaker 12 Make some noise for Heidi.

Speaker 122 And we make the big switch to the bucket, everybody.

Speaker 15 This is where shit gets wild.

Speaker 82 Sometimes we're meeting somebody that we've never seen before.

Speaker 12 Sometimes it's the return of somebody that's been on years ago.

Speaker 22 Maybe months ago.

Speaker 121 Maybe a couple weeks ago.

Speaker 13 Anything can happen.

Speaker 19 Your first bucket pull of the night, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes to Matt Walker, everybody.

Speaker 119 Matt Walker.

Speaker 95 Oh shit, it's Matt Walker.

Speaker 125 Oh my God.

Speaker 22 Make some noise for Matt, everybody.

Speaker 126 Hey, how's it going, everybody?

Speaker 126 So I recently got kicked out of the Hair Club for Men because I recently shaved my head.

Speaker 126 But it's okay because I've been asked to join some other clubs. I think because of my algorithm, I've been asked to join pool leagues like the cue balls and stuff like that.

Speaker 126 But I reached out to make a wish because it looks like I'm now suffering from cancer.

Speaker 126 And I won't be able to make my next minute because I'll be going to Disney World with Joe Rogan.

Speaker 127 But yeah, things have been changing for me. I used to have a crazy just comb over.

Speaker 126 So it's been just opening my eyes to

Speaker 128 new things.

Speaker 126 I was just on

Speaker 127 last week, so my episode hasn't came out yet.

Speaker 126 So I had a joke that was kind of relevant to that, but I was kind of going with it.

Speaker 126 it was something that needed to be caught brought to my attention, you know, that I needed to shave my head.

Speaker 126 Um, at first, I thought Tony might have been being a little mean and insensitive, but sometimes it takes to take a good hard look in the mirror that nobody close to you will tell you that, you know, maybe it's time for Puerto Rico to shave their fucking head.

Speaker 130 That doesn't make any sense at all, but

Speaker 101 it's adorable.

Speaker 18 Matt Walker, thanks, guys.

Speaker 28 Let me give a little context to this bucket pull.

Speaker 69 The odds of this happening are absolutely insane.

Speaker 86 Matt was on last week.

Speaker 18 So,

Speaker 131 and

Speaker 16 so Matt came out with the world's most diabolically, you just have to take my word for it.

Speaker 34 It was the worst

Speaker 8 haircut you've ever seen in your entire life.

Speaker 13 Barely anything was left. And I mean, it was just fucking, it's like if I took this on a bald head and just made like 11 lines.

Speaker 61 I swear to God, it was like combed down like to here to make it look like...

Speaker 80 Yeah, like a Sharpie at one point, like an egg drag.

Speaker 13 What's amazing, Matt, is you should have waited.

Speaker 3 I know, bro.

Speaker 102 The odds of this happening are beyond insane.

Speaker 13 People think that this show, I've heard rumors that the show is fucking like produced and that the bucket pools are fake.

Speaker 93 If it was, this wouldn't be happening right now.

Speaker 126 Not to cut you off, I actually told Redband that last week because the guy with the beard and the cowboy hat, how he comes on, he's been on multiple times and stuff.

Speaker 33 You told Redband what?

Speaker 93 That it doesn't seem so random that maybe like um it's not all like bucket pools or whatever but i mean yeah it's just completely random well it clearly is if you would have waited i should have another couple weeks you would be a star all these people would know you and they'd be like oh shit i know bro i know you got a little excited here and you did all your i don't have hair jokes and they're like yeah so what yeah no i hear you no i hear you but you're timing up didn't i tell you i was just gonna put you up in a month yeah that too as well but you couldn't wait yeah well i was just here um But, bro, I mean, it was insane.

Speaker 126 The chances of me being pulled out of the bucket.

Speaker 127 I know I've heard people say this shit.

Speaker 126 It's like, man, why are you saying that? You know, maybe just don't sign up.

Speaker 8 You know, don't sign up.

Speaker 11 Yeah, exactly, bro.

Speaker 10 That's what I'm saying.

Speaker 8 I hear you.

Speaker 22 No, I hear you.

Speaker 111 You would have been a star.

Speaker 11 Well, I'm not going to be able to do that.

Speaker 66 That would have been a huge set.

Speaker 20 Hopefully, it'll still kind of carry.

Speaker 136 I mean, I couldn't just.

Speaker 66 It'll resonate.

Speaker 34 It'll resonate with the people at home.

Speaker 37 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 56 That's for sure.

Speaker 34 But these people are like, who gives a fuck about your bald head, dude? I was aware of it. So what?

Speaker 22 What else?

Speaker 121 Do another joke.

Speaker 58 But you people are going to see.

Speaker 34 Yeah. You're to see.

Speaker 70 This guy, the only time in the show's history in which we insisted on shaving somebody's head.

Speaker 126 I would just say, to give me a little break, like I did come, not that it was great, it was great material, but I did, that was only in like five, four or five days that I was coming up with all these.

Speaker 126 My head's just been spinning, bro, trying to come up with ideas.

Speaker 30 Well, it's much easier to spin now with a...

Speaker 18 Yeah, spin on top.

Speaker 31 The old soft top you got up there.

Speaker 126 But yeah,

Speaker 8 I appreciate the opportunity you gave me me last week all right jelly roll relax

Speaker 30 Jesus Christ fucking acceptance speech over here

Speaker 86 look at your fucking the the carpet matches the drapes down there

Speaker 126 so Matt have you thought about anything that we didn't talk about in her in your interview last week that might be interesting um no but yesterday I just got pulled over with an invalid license and they the cop would not give me a break bro he told my shit and I had to um wait you had an invalid license yeah because my um and it's really just because the DMV they don't have enough people to give you a new license he was a complete just jerk about it dude um my birthday was on the 16th of November so my license is you know need to be yeah expired not like suspended or on November 16th he didn't let you off no dude he was a jerk where was that Garden Ridge Texas it's right outside of Cibelo he was an he was an Asian cop short Asian cop dude like

Speaker 126 it's relevant bro he was a short Asian cop he was a jerk even his supervisor came was like this guy's a jerk I was like, bro, he wants me to meet me in the middle.

Speaker 18 Like, I cannot.

Speaker 70 His supervisor came.

Speaker 126 He made him give me a break and then he hated it, dude. He like walked away, like, you know, because his supervisor was like, you need to give that a warning.

Speaker 128 That's bullshit, you know?

Speaker 18 Right.

Speaker 126 My dad had to come pick me up.

Speaker 129 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 126 They told my shit. I got it out in an hour.
He was like, he was trying to tie me up.

Speaker 20 I was like, bro, I'm going to get it out today.

Speaker 126 Like, you're not going to. And I'm broke right now.
It was like my last three, $400, but, you know, it's just another bump in the road, dude.

Speaker 126 I've been watching videos and shit lately about how some of these things are going to make you stronger more resilient you know what i'm saying so

Speaker 20 it's all jelly roll bro

Speaker 37 it is i think jelly roll was one of them one of those videos it is pretty jelly roll not to be confused with egg roll that wanted to arrest you yesterday

Speaker 129 um

Speaker 42 so

Speaker 60 Your car got towed and you had to get it out on the car.

Speaker 126 Yeah, I got it out.

Speaker 126 I called because it's Sunday, bro.

Speaker 127 He was trying to, dude, he was trying to get me tied up.

Speaker 18 What does that mean, tied up?

Speaker 126 Is this trying to hinder me? I guess he was just trying to make my life hard, bro.

Speaker 139 You know?

Speaker 86 This is like a small Texas town.

Speaker 91 Yes, sir. Yeah.

Speaker 20 And I actually do work for a lady that lives in Garden Ridge.

Speaker 127 She's probably like the...

Speaker 87 Not that it, I mean, she's got a Ferrari in her garage and all the shit.

Speaker 126 It's the rich-ass lady, but.

Speaker 96 What do you do for this lady?

Speaker 23 It does kind of have a little vibe to it.

Speaker 20 You know, she's an older lady, but...

Speaker 64 What do you do with this lady?

Speaker 126 Dude, she has me do every, like, she's like a Martha Stewart type, bro. She has me do bring down all her Christmas decorations out of the garage.

Speaker 54 Like from her.

Speaker 34 Have you been building a fence for some guy?

Speaker 31 I think we're figuring this out slowly.

Speaker 123 Building fences for diabetic brown people out there.

Speaker 8 All right, Matt Walker.

Speaker 40 Well, we met you last week.

Speaker 56 You already have a joke book.

Speaker 66 You have a new outlook on life.

Speaker 30 I was going to give you a spot in a few weeks, but you just fucking did it.

Speaker 18 Um, nah, come on.

Speaker 43 We can still do that one, right?

Speaker 8 Okay, well, stop signing up.

Speaker 21 You're a lucky fuck, so stop signing up, all right?

Speaker 20 The universe wants it, bro. Jelly, you know, jelly roll.

Speaker 123 Okay, get out of here.

Speaker 119 There goes Matt Walker.

Speaker 15 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 119 Wait till you guys know what happened. Yeah,

Speaker 81 you're not going to believe it. It's literally...

Speaker 95 It's proof that the show's not set up, I do believe.

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Speaker 13 All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Danny V.

Speaker 31 Danny V is next on Kill Tony.

Speaker 101 Here we go.

Speaker 147 Thank you, thank you. So I am aware that I look like one of Joe Rogan's sperm.

Speaker 147 I look like an Oompa Loompa that joined the Nazis.

Speaker 147 So

Speaker 147 there was

Speaker 10 this.

Speaker 147 The reason I think

Speaker 147 the reason why police officers don't have turtles as pets is you can't kneel on their necks.

Speaker 147 I saw this

Speaker 147 homeless guy with a sign that said hot, hungry, and homeless. It's like, that's pretty self-absorbed.
If you think you're that sexy, just have some sex and get out of poverty.

Speaker 147 I mean if Kamala Harris did it, why can't you?

Speaker 147 I think the

Speaker 147 only reason why white guys date black women is to ensure that their kids don't have bigger, or that do have bigger dicks than them. Sorry, I fucked that up.

Speaker 54 Now it's my time.

Speaker 81 All right, Danny B.

Speaker 75 This is your first time on the show, Danny?

Speaker 109 On the show, yes. Welcome.

Speaker 61 How long have you been been doing stand-up?

Speaker 140 About a year.

Speaker 54 About a year. Where at? Vegas.
Okay.

Speaker 71 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 28 One year and Las Vegas.

Speaker 66 What do you do for a living, Danny?

Speaker 147 Sorry, what was that?

Speaker 83 What do you do for a living?

Speaker 147 For a living? I just moved to Austin, so right now I've been doing DoorDash.

Speaker 61 You've been doing

Speaker 78 DoorDash.

Speaker 32 Okay.

Speaker 45 Do you eat the food?

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 147 I'm a good DoorDasher.

Speaker 54 Good DoorDasher.

Speaker 55 Do they give you guys ratings?

Speaker 102 Yes, they do.

Speaker 67 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 54 Do you ever deliver late-night Wendy's?

Speaker 147 Me and Redben have a straight-up line. He just texts me whenever he needs it.

Speaker 150 Wow, you even knew what I was talking about.

Speaker 116 That's incredible.

Speaker 148 I love it.

Speaker 33 So, Danny, you've been doing it a year.

Speaker 60 What made you come here today?

Speaker 147 I mean, the show and the comedy opportunities that are out here in Austin.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 64 You're visiting for a few days?

Speaker 151 no i live out here now oh nice so you were in vegas when did you move to austin about four weeks ago four weeks ago what's your living situation like i live in my car you live in your car yeah okay where have you been parking it at night time that's something i always like to ask people that live in their car it's a tricky situation out here uh i park it in like a gym parking lot Okay, you have a gym membership.

Speaker 54 Yes. All right.
That's how I shower.

Speaker 45 He seems very pro-police with the George Floyd joke.

Speaker 66 Yeah, there's no...

Speaker 63 I don't know, I don't know.

Speaker 66 Do cops not have turtles?

Speaker 66 Is that a thing?

Speaker 147 I mean, I've never seen one with one, so I mean, it would just, the connection makes sense to me.

Speaker 86 Have you ever seen an Asian cop before?

Speaker 147 I mean, you never see them with cats now, do they?

Speaker 22 What do you do for fun, Danny V?

Speaker 147 So just like a lot of outdoor stuff, like hikes, walk around, do shit like that, listen to comedy, try to do that.

Speaker 149 Okay.

Speaker 84 All right.

Speaker 60 And what kind of car is it that you live in?

Speaker 147 It's a 2015 Hyundai accent.

Speaker 149 2015 Hyundai Accent.

Speaker 66 I love it.

Speaker 64 Okay.

Speaker 78 So were you born and raised in Vegas?

Speaker 147 Born and raised in Vegas. How does that happen?

Speaker 91 What are your parents like?

Speaker 78 I've always wondered that. How does that happen?

Speaker 147 So my mom is a recovering addict, addict alcoholic.

Speaker 147 And my dad, my real dad, dad is in prison. He's been in prison since I was three years old.

Speaker 25 I like that one.

Speaker 18 We have a little Vegas soundboard.

Speaker 72 Jackpot.

Speaker 66 I love it.

Speaker 93 So your real dad has been in prison?

Speaker 67 Yeah, since I was three. For what?

Speaker 147 He murdered a guy.

Speaker 119 Oh, there you go.

Speaker 4 Wow. Do you know the context of the murder?

Speaker 24 Can you describe what happened?

Speaker 66 So

Speaker 147 both my parents were using pretty heavily like meth and like kind of crazy shit like that.

Speaker 147 And then

Speaker 147 one day he came home and broke my mom's nose.

Speaker 72 So

Speaker 59 she she took me

Speaker 147 took me to one of her friends' house, and she had

Speaker 147 two guys sleeping over because she was kind of scared. And my real dad was

Speaker 68 understanding. Oh, that's a great idea.

Speaker 30 Nothing makes a guy that'll punch you in the nose happier than two fucking dudes at the house.

Speaker 102 Right? Well, I mean, that's.

Speaker 48 Do you know why he punched her in the nose in the first place?

Speaker 24 Just out of curiosity.

Speaker 147 I never really asked my mom.

Speaker 45 She's just only good at cooking meth and not food.

Speaker 147 She fucked up the meth while she was cooking.

Speaker 8 Sounds like a wild house.

Speaker 18 Maybe it is better you live in your car.

Speaker 150 So,

Speaker 67 okay.

Speaker 26 Punches her in the nose.

Speaker 22 You don't know why.

Speaker 35 Go to a house with two dudes and then...

Speaker 147 And then, so he was drinking and drugging that whole night, and then he kind of like stalked her and saw that there were two dudes there. He thought she was fucking them.
Yeah.

Speaker 147 And he broke in, killed one guy, and then stabbed another guy in the shoulder. And

Speaker 54 paralyzed his arm.

Speaker 64 Paralyzed.

Speaker 28 His arm's still paralyzed.

Speaker 69 Wow. Have you ever met that guy? I have not.

Speaker 45 If you do, make sure to shake the right hand.

Speaker 140 I'll just play with the other one.

Speaker 147 Like, yeah, yeah, fuck.

Speaker 120 What did he do to the other guy?

Speaker 66 Stabbed him in the heart?

Speaker 147 did the one guy get off with just a shoulder uh so i like after like the one guy like he was just dead and i think he like stabbed him in the heart a couple times that'll do it and uh stops the heart from beating and dumping blood easier to clean up the mess i got you

Speaker 147 it was pretty messy it was a pretty messy experience but uh sounds good yeah so like after he stabbed the like the second guy like the house woke up and he like he dipped and he just went to a bar after and just like drank until the cops came.

Speaker 84 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 45 I love that people were mad they got woken up.

Speaker 22 Yeah, just when things couldn't get any worse, I'm just trying to get some goddamn sleep around here.

Speaker 45 Did you stop the kitchen stabbings?

Speaker 113 Is that where it was? Was it in the kitchen? I feel like it was.

Speaker 147 No, he stabbed them in different bedrooms.

Speaker 8 Oh.

Speaker 63 Were any of them sleeping with your mom?

Speaker 24 No.

Speaker 66 Wow.

Speaker 132 That is fucked up.

Speaker 24 Red man with a wise observation over here.

Speaker 149 That's fucked up.

Speaker 18 Yes, that that is fucked up.

Speaker 63 Unbelievable.

Speaker 113 So he was in prison when you were three.

Speaker 94 Do you go visit him sometimes?

Speaker 147 I visited him once when I was like 12, and I really like just.

Speaker 58 Do they have anything fun in a Vegas prison?

Speaker 24 I mean, even at their airport.

Speaker 147 They have vending machines where you could buy like whole mini pizzas, like the Red Bear.

Speaker 28 Did you have a pizza there?

Speaker 83 I did have a pizza there.

Speaker 18 Fuck yeah. I did.
Amazing.

Speaker 111 And it was good?

Speaker 147 It was decent. You know, it was like the red bear once.

Speaker 61 Did your dad ever ask you for money or anything?

Speaker 147 No, he, I haven't talked to him in like 10 years.

Speaker 68 And he has a life sentence, right?

Speaker 147 No, he actually has, I want to say like 20 more years.

Speaker 66 Oh, wow. Yeah.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 45 Not bad. He'll find you.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 147 That's actually, that's a big worry that my mom has, is that he's going to come out and finish the job.

Speaker 72 No.

Speaker 97 Does he know that they weren't fucking them? Like, does he go, shit, I fucked up?

Speaker 108 Like, has he tried to?

Speaker 147 I I mean, he, like, the one time I did talk to him, he, like, tried to stab you.

Speaker 85 The one time you talked to him?

Speaker 147 Uh, he, uh, like, he expressed that, like, he was sorry, and, like, he wished he could take stuff back, and he was just, like, not in the right state of mind. I mean, it was all messed up and stuff.

Speaker 149 Right.

Speaker 78 Yeah. Exactly.

Speaker 94 And you haven't talked to him since you were 12?

Speaker 147 I talked to him. probably like like a decade ago so probably like when i was 20 that was about it yeah it's a shame he can't make a phone call to prison whenever you want.

Speaker 122 That would be great.

Speaker 147 I could tell him to call back next time.

Speaker 88 Yeah, we'll figure it out.

Speaker 66 So Danny, is DoorDash the end-all-be-all for you?

Speaker 110 Hell no, dude.

Speaker 54 What type of job are you looking for?

Speaker 55 What do you want to get on?

Speaker 147 So, like, ultimately, I do want to be a comedian, but the backup plan is to be like a plumber or electrician.

Speaker 92 Do you have talents in those fields?

Speaker 147 I mean, I'm mechanically inclined. I was in the Army National Guard.
I didn't deploy or anything, so I don't deserve any credit.

Speaker 147 yeah, thank you.

Speaker 114 What did you do there?

Speaker 131 Oh, wow.

Speaker 24 There you go.

Speaker 72 A little stubby middle finger for you.

Speaker 67 Okay.

Speaker 25 Well, if anyone needs an electrician or a plumber in Austin.

Speaker 147 I mean, I'm open to any job. I'm pretty versatile.

Speaker 66 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 106 Well, there you go.

Speaker 92 How can people find you?

Speaker 54 I mean, you want to plug my Instagram or whatever?

Speaker 35 Sure.

Speaker 66 Is that good for for you? Yeah.

Speaker 147 Okay, go ahead. Comedian Danny B.

Speaker 69 There you go.

Speaker 23 Comedian Danny B. He's only a year in,

Speaker 15 living out of his car. Seems like a nice guy.

Speaker 82 Seems like he's got his life together.

Speaker 60 A lot of common sense.

Speaker 74 Good answers.

Speaker 81 There he goes. Danny B.

Speaker 119 And Danny.

Speaker 81 Danny.

Speaker 31 Danny, even though the performance was just okay, you got a lot, a lot of work to do.

Speaker 153 So here's a big joke book for you.

Speaker 14 Danny B, everybody.

Speaker 13 all right your next bucket pull goes by the name of mason davis everybody we're moving along make some noise for mason here we go

Speaker 122 mason davis everybody

Speaker 67 here he is one more time for mason

Speaker 139 used to live with a couple guys who are super into like star wars and marvels marvel don't get me wrong those are great movies But do you guys know how hard it is to get laid when your front door mat says, all Jedi is welcome?

Speaker 139 Like, I thought we were friends, man. Whose side are you on?

Speaker 106 I don't know.

Speaker 139 It was a nice brand new apartment. I wanted to show it off.
But it was just decorated like it was the set of the 40-year-old virgin. It was really unfortunate.

Speaker 139 Did you guys know that pussy dehumidifiers are a real thing?

Speaker 139 Turns out it was actually just my apartment. I don't know.

Speaker 139 I recently found out that my neighbor is a black, beautiful queen.

Speaker 139 And I'm not the smoothest with the ladies, but I I finally worked up the courage to go and introduce myself. I went up, talked to her, said my name, she said her name back.

Speaker 139 And then a bee started flying around her head, and she screamed and took off running.

Speaker 139 Now, if you're just walking your dog across the street, enjoying your morning,

Speaker 139 you can't see a fucking bee.

Speaker 139 You just see a white man and a black lady having a conversation, and she takes off running.

Speaker 139 I don't know. We did finally hook up recently, though, but

Speaker 139 I let her peg me, but it was only like reparations

Speaker 34 all right Mason Davis there it is okay

Speaker 139 let's talk about it is any of that true is it a black really you have a black beautiful queen neighbor I do that part is true I didn't let her peg me though right we didn't hook up I should say right okay

Speaker 139 okay how long you been doing stand-up About a year and a half, year and five months.

Speaker 36 All of it here in Austin?

Speaker 139 No, I just moved here September.

Speaker 8 From where?

Speaker 6 Oregon.

Speaker 67 Okay.

Speaker 63 Portland or out in the middle of nowhere?

Speaker 139 Out in the middle of nowhere. I was living about an hour and a half south of Portland, so I was driving up there like once a week.

Speaker 67 Yeah, that's the true middle of nowhere.

Speaker 131 This has been a very meth-heavy episode so far.

Speaker 109 Everyone has had some almost direct correlation to meth in some way, either with their parents or fixing fences or something.

Speaker 61 You were close to a lot of meth there in the middle of Portland, am I correct?

Speaker 139 I didn't live there, but yes, driving through, you'd see a bunch on the road.

Speaker 88 Okay.

Speaker 25 On the road.

Speaker 84 People dropping meth on the road.

Speaker 131 You would see a lot of methy type of characters.

Speaker 24 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 156 What do you do for work, Mason?

Speaker 24 Right now I work at Boot Barn.

Speaker 61 Okay. How did you get into Boot Barn?

Speaker 139 I went there with my dad when I first moved here. He was looking for a pair of boots and was like, this would be a

Speaker 139 pretty good job. And so.

Speaker 104 And they're like,

Speaker 6 You have no experience with boots, but you're white.

Speaker 155 Perfect for the job.

Speaker 8 There you go.

Speaker 66 All all right guys what do we think about mason davis oh um

Speaker 87 i

Speaker 45 so the black queen was because of the bee

Speaker 45 yeah good good question you're kind of just wondering the joke and then i'm not insulting you you're uh just wondering what the fuck

Speaker 69 yeah no i agree with dave on this i noticed that he laughed and i laughed both at your setup

Speaker 64 a combined 38 years of stand-up experience between me and dave and you both had us giggling at the setup, and then it kind of went nowhere.

Speaker 45 Because you do look like somebody who would marry a black woman, and people are like, why the fuck are they together?

Speaker 40 Like, have you ever seen those people?

Speaker 45 Yeah. And then you have one of those weird white, blondie, freckleaf fucking creeps.

Speaker 45 Creeps.

Speaker 45 I mean, that the no one wants.

Speaker 41 Did you try with her?

Speaker 70 Did you try, Mason?

Speaker 24 Did I try hooking up with her? Yeah.

Speaker 139 I mean, yeah, I'm just, like I said, I'm not that good with talking to girls, so just introducing myself was a big step.

Speaker 23 Can you look straight out there and say exactly what you said to her?

Speaker 45 Yo, what up, bitch?

Speaker 34 For a second, I thought that was it.

Speaker 23 Okay, look out there and give us an example of what you said to this beautiful black queen.

Speaker 139 My name is Mason. I just moved here.
What's your name?

Speaker 19 Ah, hell no.

Speaker 129 What the fuck?

Speaker 58 Creepy ass motherfucker.

Speaker 37 Looking like all the characters of friends mashed together.

Speaker 45 My rent's gonna go up.

Speaker 69 Have you ever been with a black woman before?

Speaker 158 I have not.

Speaker 48 No.

Speaker 78 Have you been with a white woman before?

Speaker 69 I have. have.

Speaker 63 When's the last time you were with a white woman?

Speaker 54 Ooh.

Speaker 73 Oh.

Speaker 139 Like three or four years ago.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 24 Why do you think that is amazing?

Speaker 32 Yeah.

Speaker 129 That hurt.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 45 I think you got to get rid of that Jedi fucking doormat.

Speaker 129 That's why I moved.

Speaker 66 That's why I moved.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 111 That is amazing.

Speaker 40 So now

Speaker 69 you live here?

Speaker 53 Yes.

Speaker 36 And do you have roommates still?

Speaker 78 Nope.

Speaker 89 You live by yourself? Yep.

Speaker 45 Huh?

Speaker 139 No, I got an apartment.

Speaker 34 How are you able to afford that?

Speaker 139 Boot barn, and I saved a good. I used to be a welder, and so I saved up a couple of bucks before I moved.

Speaker 150 How much did you save exactly?

Speaker 86 I'm always so interested when people tell me they save money.

Speaker 36 This is an unorthodox show. It's not normally a common thing to ask somebody how much money they saved, but this is that type of show.

Speaker 94 Just out of my own curiosity, can I guess?

Speaker 129 Yeah.

Speaker 70 I'm going to say you saved $8,500.

Speaker 20 I wish.

Speaker 139 It was about $5,000.

Speaker 8 Damn.

Speaker 108 Man. I appreciate the guess, though.

Speaker 45 Working in a Texas boot barn, like, what's your most common question from somebody? Like, which one is it?

Speaker 129 Usually it's in Spanish.

Speaker 45 I'm just kicking them over the border.

Speaker 45 Oh, it's for fence climbing.

Speaker 139 No, it's usually just like a bunch of, because it depends on the people that come in, because some people have worn boots before, so they're just looking for a certain thing.

Speaker 139 And some people are like i have never worn boots before

Speaker 142 whores

Speaker 66 what do you think i was being nice what do you think made you uh want to be a stand-up comedian mason

Speaker 139 i just i used to like i made all my friends laugh and i really enjoyed that and then i just realized you have any childhood trauma

Speaker 139 no

Speaker 123 parents are happy all together yeah no murders or anything no

Speaker 139 nothing at all you just made your friends in oregon laugh yeah and I was getting good, and I was getting better at stand-up when I was doing it, but I wasn't doing it that much.

Speaker 86 You're doing a lot of spots here in Austin?

Speaker 54 Trying.

Speaker 86 What do you mean by trying? What is that?

Speaker 139 I'm hitting a lot of open mics.

Speaker 18 I haven't read it. Right.

Speaker 6 Is that working for you?

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 139 Getting better at writing more.

Speaker 148 I love it.

Speaker 86 What else do you do for fun, Mason?

Speaker 139 I'm just trying to figure out the city because I moved here pretty recently.

Speaker 139 This is like the first time living in a big city, and it's a little overwhelming at first, but I've been falling in love with it. I've been trying to figure out where the cool little spots are.

Speaker 45 Fentanyl dealers.

Speaker 129 Yeah.

Speaker 132 What part was overwhelming?

Speaker 86 Can you give me an example of the overwhelming part?

Speaker 139 Like in Albany, where I'm from, there's not a street that shuts down for bars. There's maybe one bar, one or two bars.
And so when I came down to that the first night, I was like, this is

Speaker 139 degeneracy.

Speaker 24 And it was.

Speaker 139 It was awesome. I loved it.

Speaker 130 Yeah, it is lovely.

Speaker 109 I love it too.

Speaker 78 Well, Mason,

Speaker 69 very good.

Speaker 4 Fun times.

Speaker 36 Anything else we should know about you before I get you out of here?

Speaker 139 I crashed a motorcycle, my buddy's motorcycle.

Speaker 128 How did that happen?

Speaker 139 I was driving

Speaker 139 at night and I didn't know that the turn or the road turned and I just went straight

Speaker 139 into a field and

Speaker 139 but we're doing good now so.

Speaker 37 Did you get hurt?

Speaker 139 I split my knee open, like kneecap like volcanoed out and you could like see my kneecap.

Speaker 24 Oh, wow.

Speaker 139 But didn't break anything, so call it lucky.

Speaker 28 Did was the motorcycle totaled?

Speaker 139 Yeah, and it wasn't even mine. That was the worst part.

Speaker 22 So, how did you pay your friend back?

Speaker 155 I just paid for it.

Speaker 86 You just paid for it straight up.

Speaker 61 How much was that?

Speaker 139 I think it was like $1,600, $1,700.

Speaker 54 Okay.

Speaker 45 What kind of motorcycle?

Speaker 139 It was a Jixxer. Jixer $600.

Speaker 45 Sounds racist.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 17 All right, Mason.

Speaker 32 Well,

Speaker 22 it has begun for you.

Speaker 36 Welcome to Austin, Texas.

Speaker 15 There's a little joke book, Mason Davis.

Speaker 50 If you thought goldenly breaded McDonald's chicken couldn't get more golden, think golder. Because new sweet and smoky special edition gold sauce is here.

Speaker 50 Made for your chicken favorites at Participate in McDonald's for limited time.

Speaker 49 Hello, Nigel here. As an owl, I love to be awake all night, but allergy sufferers like you probably don't feel the same.
So take Zyzole at night to relieve allergies while you sleep.

Speaker 49 Then wake up fully refreshed for a more productive day. Zizole works fast and offers 24-hour continuous relief from sneezing, runny nose, itchy watery eyes, and itchy nose and throat.

Speaker 49 So you can enjoy doing the things you love all day long.

Speaker 149 Be wise old.

Speaker 49 Take Zyzole at night. Use this directed, starts working in 45 minutes.

Speaker 119 Let's get one more bucket pull up here.

Speaker 75 This young man's been on this show a few times.

Speaker 124 One week ago, one week ago, he said to me

Speaker 36 at Mitzi's, the bar connected to the mothership, he said to me,

Speaker 31 I'm ready. I'm ready for another minute.

Speaker 68 I go, why are you telling me this?

Speaker 125 He goes, I just want to let you know, I'm ready.

Speaker 54 I go, don't tell me.

Speaker 93 Just keep signing up and show me.

Speaker 31 The bucket of destiny has spoken.

Speaker 31 has been pulled out of a bucket out of 250 people.

Speaker 81 Let's see how it goes.

Speaker 130 This is a new minute from Michael Ridley.

Speaker 159 I've been going to the gym recently. It's like a new thing for me, like the last two weeks.
I've had ADHD, so it's like hard to stick to a routine.

Speaker 159 And I've only been going for two weeks and I'm realizing I'm already encountering like an ego problem.

Speaker 159 Like I'm finding myself shirtless in the mirror listening to Beethoven after a workout.

Speaker 159 And I can hear an ego demon gassing me up from the back and he's saying things like,

Speaker 160 Look at what you have become.

Speaker 72 Look

Speaker 160 at what you have become.

Speaker 160 They used to make fun of you.

Speaker 160 You used to wear your t-shirt in the pool

Speaker 160 with your little Asian nipples poking through.

Speaker 160 But soon, my child, soon, the moon will encapsulate the sun, and the king will take his rightful place upon the throne.

Speaker 151 Really?

Speaker 11 Yes, my child, yes!

Speaker 160 There is a god locked away inside of you,

Speaker 66 and we

Speaker 160 will set him free.

Speaker 159 See, I've just been trying to get healthier and shit.

Speaker 10 There you go.

Speaker 12 Full minute, 16 seconds from Michael Ridley.

Speaker 159 Hey, what's up, Tony? How are you, dude?

Speaker 21 What are you running this thing?

Speaker 33 I love it.

Speaker 20 How are you, buddy?

Speaker 159 I'm doing good, man. I'm freaking out.

Speaker 111 What's up, brother?

Speaker 76 Hey, what's up, bro?

Speaker 137 It's good to see you, dude.

Speaker 54 Good to see you, too.

Speaker 66 Okay, Michael.

Speaker 8 I'm happy.

Speaker 54 Yeah, I can tell you're very happy.

Speaker 66 Yeah, I'm super happy, dude.

Speaker 99 All right, relax, Michael.

Speaker 110 Let's jump right into it.

Speaker 16 How do you feel like that went when you were randomly coming up to me telling me that you're so ready?

Speaker 70 Is that how you thought it would go?

Speaker 10 Huh?

Speaker 159 No, not at all. I thought it was going to be way better than that.
I've been closing on that one for a while, and it gets big pops. It's always like the

Speaker 159 really, you know what I mean? I also like have a lot of nerves.

Speaker 159 I just, uh, your boy, I don't know what the fuck happened, Tony, but I was a little thick and I just finally feel good enough to come out of the house.

Speaker 111 And I'm happy. Thick.
Sick as hell.

Speaker 160 Like, I don't know, bro.

Speaker 66 I was like,

Speaker 10 yeah, I've been letting people hit my vape, tony and uh

Speaker 159 don't do that around here everybody's fucking eating booty hole and

Speaker 45 spreading disease and all right michael michael michael stick over here you're fucking water next to me i'm sorry dave

Speaker 45 how long have you been sick for you're sweating like an aids patient yeah

Speaker 159 i've i have hyperhydrosis how dare you dude okay michael uh so how long have you been sick for what have your symptoms been uh probably covet i don't know probably some new shit definitely

Speaker 56 that's not what I asked you at all.

Speaker 91 How long have you been sick for?

Speaker 108 I've been sick for like two or three days. I've just been in the crib for three days.

Speaker 69 And then you decided to come out tonight in public around a bunch of people who can't get sick.

Speaker 25 No, no, no. I'm fine.
I'm good.

Speaker 88 You don't look fine.

Speaker 159 I always look kind of sick. Like, ever since COVID, you can't be a sweaty Asian guy in public.

Speaker 159 You just always look like...

Speaker 80 That is true.

Speaker 159 I've always been sweaty. I've I've always been a sweaty guy, but so you feel great today.

Speaker 160 I feel so good today, but I'm being serious.

Speaker 68 No symptoms of no, no, no, I'm good.

Speaker 110 I'm good.

Speaker 24 Okay.

Speaker 159 I've just been in the house. I'm happy to be out of the house.
You ever been locked up in the crib sick and now you're like, I want to be social.

Speaker 9 You say a lot of stuff in between questions.

Speaker 32 Sorry, sir.

Speaker 94 Do you really have little Asian nipples?

Speaker 28 You said that during your study.

Speaker 89 Is that true?

Speaker 159 Nah, they're big and brown, dude.

Speaker 159 Are they? Yeah, I got some brown areolas. I got some fat boy boy nipples dude really

Speaker 159 huh dinner plates no more of like uh probably like a half dollar oh not bad yeah not super big but not super small either how was it how's the hair on those things

Speaker 34 fucking

Speaker 24 how is the hair on those things the world wants to know

Speaker 159 i have to fucking dude i shave them I have to shave them. They're so sporadic.
I have like Asian fibers

Speaker 20 that come off of them.

Speaker 159 They like, they'll thread through my shirt sometimes.

Speaker 13 How many of you want to see these hairy Asian nipples?

Speaker 152 We've been talking about them. It's that time.

Speaker 57 He's been going to the gym.

Speaker 122 Let's see what happens here, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 73 Whoa.

Speaker 57 Look at that.

Speaker 11 That demon is full of shit.

Speaker 8 Soon the king will take the throne.

Speaker 130 What the fuck is this demon seeing?

Speaker 159 Yeah, the whole joke is that I'm still kind of fucking fat as fuck.

Speaker 18 Hell yeah, you look like a fucking bag of rice

Speaker 76 wasn't uh i wasn't really expecting much from a guy that uh goes to the gym with bobby lee

Speaker 10 they always do yeah everybody does that

Speaker 63 so michael really

Speaker 94 what else is going on in life have you really been going to the gym i was for a little bit uh

Speaker 34 but then uh dude i fucking i was sober for like two years i started drinking again dude oh is that what happened last week when you came up to me and said you're ready that you're gonna do so good i fucking relapse.

Speaker 2 You know.

Speaker 130 Now it's all making sense.

Speaker 68 I got to witness a real life relapse.

Speaker 159 I wouldn't really call it a relapse, more of a return.

Speaker 64 It's the same thing.

Speaker 20 Dude, if you can't drink, dude, what the fuck are you doing, dude?

Speaker 159 If you can't drink and keep it together, what's wrong with you? What are you gay?

Speaker 21 I don't know.

Speaker 93 Can you keep it together?

Speaker 147 I think I've been doing pretty good.

Speaker 70 Do you think every comedian after a Monday night taping comes up to me and goes, just to let you know,

Speaker 1 I'm fucking ready.

Speaker 22 You think that's what I do all night after the tapings is just field comedians going, I'm ready.

Speaker 159 Your boy was like four or five crowns deep, like, yeah, chowdy.

Speaker 68 Yeah, so was I, and I was bored as fuck at the conversation.

Speaker 22 Last thing I want to do while trying to fucking drink my sorrows away is have fucking

Speaker 28 sweaty little fucking Asian men.

Speaker 8 Ready when you are.

Speaker 8 I am ready.

Speaker 22 That's me, Sketch. I'm doing that.
I'm doing that, Sketch.

Speaker 23 Sketch is looking around.

Speaker 18 Sketch has puppy-like behavior sometimes, just like

Speaker 45 just wants to see those Asian nips again.

Speaker 21 Yeah, dude.

Speaker 140 Run it back.

Speaker 34 They are big with glasses.

Speaker 130 When you have glasses that thick, those are big Asian nips.

Speaker 23 They're medium to us, meaty.

Speaker 137 Just my type, though.

Speaker 129 That's right.

Speaker 133 Absolutely.

Speaker 87 I thought you quit all that.

Speaker 10 No,

Speaker 76 I'd make a return too.

Speaker 72 Hey,

Speaker 119 return of the dragon.

Speaker 13 Michael Ridley, congratulations.

Speaker 130 You got pulled out of the bucket again.

Speaker 30 There he goes, Michael Ridley, everybody.

Speaker 31 Getting to watch a man relapse in real time.

Speaker 9 That'll be a story to follow.

Speaker 122 All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time.

Speaker 13 One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, an international superstar.

Speaker 125 I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.

Speaker 135 I'm glad y'all like that little gag because I am not ready.

Speaker 97 I'll tell you that much.

Speaker 135 This minute, it's funny, because I've been trying to figure this minute out, and I don't know how to tell it for real.

Speaker 2 All I know is I used to be a bully, right?

Speaker 135 I used to hurt people a little bit when I was in elementary school and middle school and shit like that. Now I would get suspended all the time.

Speaker 135 And one day they wanted to call my parents, but they didn't understand that I was getting, I was doing all this bullying because my parents aren't the best parents in the world.

Speaker 110 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 135 And she wanted to call my dad real bad. And I was sitting in the office and she was looking at me, scolding me, and stuff.
And she called my dad, she put him on the speakerphone.

Speaker 20 And my dad was talking to her.

Speaker 135 She was like, Your son's a bad person, he's uh, he's gonna get expelled because he's bullying other students. He had somebody with a baseball bat, you need to talk to him.

Speaker 135 And then my dad just went, Hey, Cam, stand up.

Speaker 135 And I was uh 5'1 at the time.

Speaker 135 And then he just went,'Who the fuck is he bullying, bitch midgets?

Speaker 11 and hung up the phone.'

Speaker 95 That's my time.

Speaker 73 Cam Patterson.

Speaker 123 Cam's dad. I say it all the time.

Speaker 119 Such a character.

Speaker 131 Such a vat of hilarity to draw from with that.

Speaker 162 That really happened, bro.

Speaker 3 I believe. I swear to God.

Speaker 38 I know your dad. I know that happened.

Speaker 133 Very, very funny, man.

Speaker 3 Hell yeah.

Speaker 134 I'm glad that worked.

Speaker 135 That shit been bombing all day, nigga.

Speaker 11 I've been running around.

Speaker 11 I'll supposed to be here early. I'll run around with a whole bunch of soldiers.

Speaker 135 That shit was eating dicks all day.

Speaker 104 Well, going up after...

Speaker 64 Oh, look, there he is.

Speaker 28 His dad, everybody.

Speaker 11 Who put that hat on him, man?

Speaker 102 Why they put that fucking hat on him?

Speaker 10 Because you can't see it.

Speaker 10 That's a gay ass hat, man.

Speaker 149 Let it. Let it.

Speaker 73 Who put that hat on D-Madness, man?

Speaker 135 The fuck going on right now? Bro, he knows that. The show going to fucking shambles right now.

Speaker 135 And I put a gay ass hat in front of the D-Madness. It's a bullshit.

Speaker 135 Don't got a pink hat on. You know that? You got a pink hat on, D.

Speaker 10 You know what pink is? It's bedazzled.

Speaker 135 It's bedazzled and shit.

Speaker 135 He don't know.

Speaker 10 Oh, oh, shit. He, oh, oh, oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Speaker 10 The nigga don't know colors.

Speaker 73 Oh, fuck.

Speaker 163 I ain't know that. Oh, I forgot he was blind.

Speaker 163 Oh, man.

Speaker 118 I forgot he was blind. Okay, what's up?

Speaker 118 Steel though.

Speaker 34 Are you going to give him his damn bass guitar, Josh?

Speaker 73 What the fuck?

Speaker 10 Josh, you have two jobs.

Speaker 54 What the fuck is going on right now, man?

Speaker 60 Jesus fucking Christ, man.

Speaker 157 God damn.

Speaker 39 This poor guy, he just sits D up here to get roasted to death.

Speaker 135 You have any idea how stupid your your head is?

Speaker 37 Dee's just sitting there like, well, what the fuck's going on?

Speaker 40 You at least give him his.

Speaker 66 There it is.

Speaker 18 Oh my god.

Speaker 65 D Madness is normally an absolute master of style.

Speaker 78 D, can we get him a mic?

Speaker 24 Is that mic part of the thing?

Speaker 64 Let's use this one here, D's, so that it makes it to the show.

Speaker 165 This mic not on the show.

Speaker 13 Is that on the air?

Speaker 113 Is D's mic on the show?

Speaker 34 Yeah, use that one.

Speaker 34 D Madness is...

Speaker 8 Try to edit those out.

Speaker 34 Yeah, Matt.

Speaker 18 Matt, shut the hell up.

Speaker 112 Yeah.

Speaker 66 I'm kidding.

Speaker 22 We're all fucking friends here.

Speaker 68 D-Madness,

Speaker 86 we don't often get to talk to you

Speaker 26 deep and personal.

Speaker 28 I like a moment like this where it's a little bit off the beaten path.

Speaker 89 Now, normally, for those of you that might not know, or maybe it's your first episode, D-Madness is a master of style.

Speaker 63 I don't know how you pull it off.

Speaker 28 I don't know what kind of advisors you have or what exactly goes on.

Speaker 66 Why are you handing him a different mic? What's going on?

Speaker 78 Why are you fucking with this poor guy?

Speaker 33 So, Dee, can you take us through what it is like getting ready for, like, I mean, how do you know what that hat looks like?

Speaker 129 I don't.

Speaker 129 Oh, Deez, come on.

Speaker 143 Don't give him the auto-tune mic from the musical performance.

Speaker 130 Give him a real mic, Deez. Come on.

Speaker 66 All right. Very good very good

Speaker 66 goddamn man

Speaker 136 show cover the shambles and shit

Speaker 43 well i do i do like the texture of the hat i don't know what it looks like but i do like the hat hey gee

Speaker 42 that's all i know it's texture

Speaker 39 Yes. It is a good hat.

Speaker 68 It actually is cool.

Speaker 56 It is a little bit pinker than you would wear if you knew what it looked like. One of the most famous homophobes in the show's history.

Speaker 166 It looks like Tiffany Haddish's underwear.

Speaker 134 Thank you, Red Man. That was terrible.

Speaker 18 It looks like...

Speaker 105 Weird ass reference.

Speaker 45 If you threw a fanny pack on, you'd look like every older black woman going to Vegas.

Speaker 151 Well, ain't that wonderful.

Speaker 151 It's so.

Speaker 43 I'm going to keep all this in mind next time I talk.

Speaker 143 What'd you say, Deet?

Speaker 43 I'm going to keep all this in mind next time.

Speaker 23 Oh, shit.

Speaker 13 oh he's gonna he's gonna get you back cam next time you next time you smell funny you're getting roasted

Speaker 10 yes brother brother darkness

Speaker 135 brother darkness he just called you well i call i call him i call him darkness he called me blacker so

Speaker 129 you know it's just from time to time you know

Speaker 11 what's up darkness what's up blacker what's up yeah you know They all mean the same to me.

Speaker 64 D-Madness, do you have any final words you'd like to say to Cam Patterson who decided to shift all of this part to you and that roastable hat?

Speaker 99 No,

Speaker 151 hold on.

Speaker 135 Actually, Cam, want you to do me a favor.

Speaker 151 I want you to look at my t-shirt.

Speaker 135 Well, most people, how you know what it's saying?

Speaker 10 I know what it's saying. I know what it's saying, nigga.

Speaker 10 Nigga, I know what it's saying.

Speaker 66 I've been beefing with the blind my whole life, nigga.

Speaker 135 It's kind of crazy.

Speaker 135 It's a blind. When I first started doing stately, it was a blind lady.
She was in a wheelchair. And they would always bring on stage and shit.
And I was hosting the show one time.

Speaker 11 All right, well, all right, nigga, hold up. Wait a minute.

Speaker 135 I'm telling my story.

Speaker 3 Now.

Speaker 135 I swear to God, another goddamn scrum go by. I'll shoot at it.

Speaker 129 Okay, calm down.

Speaker 10 Because the words are fucking me up.

Speaker 135 I read it and said, you big Debbie.

Speaker 135 But it was a blind lady. It was a blind lady who came to the show.
She was in the woods.

Speaker 3 What an hunt.

Speaker 135 You know, you the closest to me, right?

Speaker 135 But she would, she would, uh, she, it's going to bomb now because it took too long.

Speaker 102 But

Speaker 135 she would always be like, I love him. I love him because he's so black and he's so short.
And I was like, how you know I'm short? And she was like, you real close to my ear.

Speaker 135 Because she was in a wheelchair.

Speaker 141 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 3 And I hate that bitch. I hate her.

Speaker 135 Hope that bitch never see again, goddamn.

Speaker 22 We're going to go to the second most blind person in the room here, Sketch.

Speaker 76 I can see pretty far.

Speaker 3 Pretty far.

Speaker 112 There you go.

Speaker 135 Tell him, Sketch. You see real good.
Hey, fuck him.

Speaker 76 Yeah, you what?

Speaker 157 Whoa, whoa.

Speaker 76 So we're on the same level.

Speaker 135 It's like riling up a retarded kid. Yeah, fuck, nigga.

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 116 Hey. Ah!

Speaker 76 Me and Kim hung out last night, and he spent the night at my house.

Speaker 161 No, I didn't.

Speaker 3 Yes, he did. No, whoa, hey.

Speaker 34 He did.

Speaker 135 Hey, no, the fuck. Hey, hey.

Speaker 119 Oh, shit.

Speaker 10 Hey, what's up?

Speaker 135 Hey, hey, I did not stay tonight. I was there for a long time.

Speaker 135 And we drank a little bit, but I did not stay tonight.

Speaker 76 And then he sent his homeboy to come grab his jacket this morning.

Speaker 71 What?

Speaker 47 Hey!

Speaker 135 Oh, man i knew it's gonna be true i knew it was gonna look bad okay wait i'm sorry you all right you good don't shoot nobody all right listen

Speaker 135 understand something wait understand so this a this is a i'm glad you're brought this a good story this is a funny story so sketch we did the stream last night and sketch gave me a lot of like gifts and so i wanted to give him something back in return right so i gave him my jacket off my back right what do you mean when you say it like that

Speaker 135 so i gave my jacket off my back right and it was my favorite jacket So I got back in the car with my homeboy, my girlfriend, right? I got back in the car,

Speaker 134 had to clarify that.

Speaker 3 Got back with my homeboy and my girlfriend.

Speaker 135 So I got in the car and I was drunk. And I was like, man, it was such a good time, man.
But I gave my favorite jacket. And I just kept saying that over and over again.

Speaker 135 And my homeboy is a good friend, also a crazy person. So he went this morning and just got my jacket back.
And I woke up and it was just in my living room.

Speaker 135 That's the whole story.

Speaker 10 Sometimes it all gotta have a punch.

Speaker 117 Hey, hey, hey, hey, man.

Speaker 93 Cam, don't wipe your nose with the towel that you wiped the COVID mic with.

Speaker 135 No, I didn't. I didn't.

Speaker 76 You're gonna get us both sick. Come on now.

Speaker 72 Hey!

Speaker 72 Sketch!

Speaker 71 Oh, shit.

Speaker 95 Sketch is crushing live.

Speaker 13 Oh, my god, Cam, you're so gay.

Speaker 56 We're gonna give you D-Madness's hat as a gift.

Speaker 71 Fuck it. Did we do it?

Speaker 71 Did it with you?

Speaker 10 Did what the fuck you want from me?

Speaker 135 I want to note that he's just sitting there shaking his head, very disgusted at me right now.

Speaker 72 Look at this beautiful black queen we have here.

Speaker 31 Oh, we're having fun here tonight.

Speaker 141 How loud can this place get for the always impactful Cam

Speaker 21 Patterson?

Speaker 28 One more time for Cam, everybody.

Speaker 104 The man, the myth.

Speaker 30 And the show goes on.

Speaker 54 Back to the bucket.

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Speaker 29 New Icy Hot.

Speaker 46 Nighttime Recovery Relieves Pain at nighttime while your body recovers.

Speaker 167 Icy Hot, you're so back.

Speaker 4 This guy's been getting on this show for years.

Speaker 30 This is, we've seen him a lot.

Speaker 120 Very lucky, lucky man, and he's back again.

Speaker 30 Make some noise for a new minute from Tim Warner.

Speaker 72 Always fun styles of Tim Warner.

Speaker 140 So, Trump was elected president.

Speaker 140 But yet, Biden is still in the White House. Like, I think this is really awkward.
Like, you ever been in a relationship that ends before the lease does?

Speaker 140 One of his on the couch, the other's in the bedroom. Every time you come out, they're just like, all right, listen.

Speaker 116 No, come on, man.

Speaker 140 The guy you're with, he's garbage.

Speaker 53 Hear me out. Just hear me out.

Speaker 140 A lot of women now apparently are

Speaker 140 going celibate to protest Trump's election,

Speaker 140 which I just think is crazy, you know? Just when you thought they couldn't get any worse at driving.

Speaker 140 Recently saw a sticker for a Zen competition.

Speaker 140 How the hell does this work? I'm at peace. I'm at more peace than you.

Speaker 54 All right, that's all I got.

Speaker 24 Okay, Tim Warner.

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 123 Hi, Tim. Hey, man.

Speaker 110 How's it been going?

Speaker 8 All right. How are you?

Speaker 65 Good, good, good.

Speaker 64 Remind us all.

Speaker 63 How long have you been on stand-up again?

Speaker 140 14 years now.

Speaker 66 14 years.

Speaker 128 Okay.

Speaker 66 Why?

Speaker 64 I was going to say, normally it goes better than that.

Speaker 64 That was something. What do you think went wrong there, Tim?

Speaker 86 14-year veteran?

Speaker 140 Oh, Jesus.

Speaker 108 A lot of things, dude.

Speaker 16 But you know.

Speaker 141 Yeah.

Speaker 140 Oh, being sober hasn't helped.

Speaker 140 Dealing with a lot of shame without like getting fucked up and escaping reality and just, you know, accepting things. That's been, that's been a bitch.

Speaker 86 How long have you been sober now?

Speaker 140 We are on two years and one month.

Speaker 71 We remember that.

Speaker 10 We remember when you went sober.

Speaker 61 A lot of those initial sober performances

Speaker 9 were good, rock solid.

Speaker 63 What do you think's going on with you?

Speaker 64 You've been going to meetings and stuff?

Speaker 24 What's happened? Yeah.

Speaker 151 Been doing everything.

Speaker 141 Yeah, I don't know. Just had

Speaker 140 a difficult four months. Like I said, just dealing with shame, dude.
Like, part of

Speaker 140 with the clarity, it's like all these new memories of just not being great. not being a good human.

Speaker 127 And I don't know.

Speaker 140 It's like

Speaker 140 in a movie at the end of of it when you had the big reveal, and it's just like, oh, I thought I was a decent person.

Speaker 140 It's just like, no, you're kind of a piece of shit your whole life, and taking it all on at once, like all of the moments, it's just pretty heavy, you know.

Speaker 140 And it's very tough for me to forgive myself, you know, for the past.

Speaker 103 It's just tough, you know,

Speaker 35 hilarious.

Speaker 139 How do you forgive your barber?

Speaker 34 Got him.

Speaker 59 Why would a woman being celibate make her a worse driver?

Speaker 113 Did I miss something there?

Speaker 63 Did I miss

Speaker 24 part of the setup?

Speaker 55 I just think they're really, like, at least here, I think a lot of them are aggressive.

Speaker 140 So I figure not fucking would make them even more aggressive.

Speaker 140 And that would just be double

Speaker 54 aggressiveness.

Speaker 86 There's a woman shaking her head yes out there.

Speaker 18 Yeah, I assume.

Speaker 9 As if though to say that if she wasn't sexually active, she would be a worse driver.

Speaker 91 I find it to be an interesting take.

Speaker 92 I was kind of waiting for something there.

Speaker 84 Zed?

Speaker 66 Is that what you said? Zen.

Speaker 110 Zed. Zen.

Speaker 78 I heard Zed.

Speaker 109 That makes more sense.

Speaker 66 I think.

Speaker 45 Yes, Dead.

Speaker 66 Yes.

Speaker 69 I think a lot of people, I don't know, they didn't really get anything.

Speaker 121 I liked the premise of the...

Speaker 66 Biden still being in the White House, while Trump's definitely the inevitable president, but that kind of went, that was kind of like a you have to like have roommates

Speaker 62 to get that perhaps and this seems like no one in this audience has had a roommate in their entire lives by the reaction that we got

Speaker 151 anything else you've been working on maybe maybe another new thing or something maybe something else a new quick little joke you're a you're you're funnier than that minute Every time you've been on the show, it's been funnier than that.

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 32 You've been gone for a while, right?

Speaker 97 Like four or five months. I haven't seen you on social media doing positive shit

Speaker 80 all over my Instagram.

Speaker 63 Is that normally what he does?

Speaker 121 Yeah, he usually puts like those like live, laugh, love type shit.

Speaker 146 He's like, I'm sober now.

Speaker 166 He's like doing all these messages. And I actually thought about you recently and I was like, what the fuck have you been up to?

Speaker 166 Is there something else that has happened recently?

Speaker 159 Are you not sober?

Speaker 66 Are you trying to get away?

Speaker 10 No, I guess I'm just, I don't know.

Speaker 69 Have you been living, laughing, and loving?

Speaker 141 Actually,

Speaker 140 yes, but yeah, there's just been a struggle. I've been by myself, basically.

Speaker 140 All right, the shame thing. I've never thought I'm good enough.
I don't think I'm good enough, right?

Speaker 140 So I did the same thing.

Speaker 10 But you love the comic.

Speaker 140 Thank you. Yeah.
So I did the stupid

Speaker 140 competition in Austin thing. Fucking worse than this, completely bombed, didn't make it to the next round, whatever else.

Speaker 10 What do you think went wrong there?

Speaker 72 And then let's go back to your next round.

Speaker 140 First of all, no one should have moved on. That was such they began the show.
The first person on the show brought like everybody, right?

Speaker 140 So the first person up brought everybody, went over their time. They're completely eliminated.
There's 13 people after that no one cared about. And I was last, and I didn't give a shit.

Speaker 140 I came up with a shit.

Speaker 26 For those of you that don't know, which I'd imagine is 99.7%

Speaker 86 of our listeners, at least, there is a famous old competition here in Austin called Austin's Funniest Comic, which was a thing, which was a thing that mattered before this invasion of real

Speaker 61 comedians coming from LA and New York,

Speaker 32 more experienced people from a more

Speaker 32 tougher club.

Speaker 63 and which has better performers so you have to be better to be able to be on the lineup and stand out.

Speaker 104 So this Austin's funniest funniest comic thing is still a thing that people try to win and try to get on, but it is based on, it is voted on by the audience.

Speaker 109 So, people invite an audience to come.

Speaker 23 So, the more people you know, the better your odds are of winning.

Speaker 113 And, Tim,

Speaker 22 by the sounds of your lonely, lonely diatribe, I'm guessing you got about nobody to go there, right?

Speaker 3 Oh, I did it.

Speaker 140 I didn't advertise it like that.

Speaker 140 I don't want to stack the audience. I like to win based on like me being funny.

Speaker 18 Trust me.

Speaker 23 I get it.

Speaker 94 I did that once when I first started.

Speaker 92 There was a competition at the Ice House. I got second place.

Speaker 48 I won a side of fries.

Speaker 121 I wore a shirt and tie for that.

Speaker 9 I thought I would be a shirt and tie comedian back in my first few weeks, literally, of doing stand-up, May 2007.

Speaker 48 Someone just poured a drink on their own head.

Speaker 36 in memory of my side of fries.

Speaker 86 Anyway, this shit's gone off. It's fucking...

Speaker 22 Can we get Cam back up here to talk shit to D-Madness?

Speaker 13 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 31 I'm kidding.

Speaker 86 Tim, so your competition goes awry, and then what happens?

Speaker 35 We went way off base here.

Speaker 140 No, it's just,

Speaker 140 I don't know. I started questioning a lot of things, hung out by myself.

Speaker 54 I don't know.

Speaker 103 Just

Speaker 140 searching, you know, and

Speaker 3 now I've come out of it.

Speaker 140 And I don't know, I shot fucking two for 14 tonight.

Speaker 106 You know, that's what it is.

Speaker 166 Did a woman drive you to this competition?

Speaker 20 Thanks, buddy. Was that?

Speaker 165 Okay.

Speaker 72 So,

Speaker 45 what was your drug of choice? I've been 15 years sober, so I'm just curious.

Speaker 53 I don't know, whatever I was given, really. Yeah.

Speaker 8 You ever have amazing?

Speaker 140 What I can get.

Speaker 140 I mean, I just drank, which just led, like all the time, which just led to.

Speaker 140 Adventures and sober.

Speaker 32 You know, hookers and fight clubs and Coke.

Speaker 140 And I turned down heroin.

Speaker 53 That's true. fun.
Thank you.

Speaker 140 But yeah, it's mostly, you know, I was in New York a lot. So

Speaker 45 a lot of people just go and see the, like,

Speaker 45 you know, sites.

Speaker 140 Well, I saw the sites that aren't on a map. Let's put it that way.

Speaker 87 You know?

Speaker 9 Tim, I've tried with this interview to dig us out of this deep hole that I take full responsibility for putting us in.

Speaker 68 I don't think it's you.

Speaker 86 I think it's me.

Speaker 109 But you know what I think I think you need something to look forward to in life.

Speaker 36 I think you need something to fire you up and tell you that things are going to be okay.

Speaker 17 So, how would you like to open up?

Speaker 97 Would you like to do better at the secret show Thursday?

Speaker 152 To get a real spot on Thursday.

Speaker 106 Look at that smile.

Speaker 152 That's a real smile there. Does that sound like fun, Tim?

Speaker 15 Yes. Michael, relax.
Jesus Christ.

Speaker 82 Yes. What the fuck? Are you just going to beat the fucking drum forever?

Speaker 59 Just losing your dreams. Just short circuit.

Speaker 97 We believe in you. We know something's not right.

Speaker 24 We believe in you, Tim. So

Speaker 97 I would love to see you do better Thursday.

Speaker 54 Okay.

Speaker 15 There you go, Tim Warner, everybody.

Speaker 165 That's the first time where I was going to be like, you want to open up the secret show?

Speaker 116 I don't know why.

Speaker 18 Alright, we're having fun.

Speaker 23 How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

Speaker 95 Like a piece of ginger.

Speaker 82 In between rotten sushi bites, she cleanses us with her spirit.

Speaker 68 Live, laugh, love.

Speaker 31 Isn't she live, laugh, lovely?

Speaker 14 Alright, we got another bucket pull.

Speaker 152 This looks like a new name.

Speaker 122 I hope it is.

Speaker 82 We've got a lot of

Speaker 15 old characters here tonight.

Speaker 30 Make some noise for Elazer Guzman.

Speaker 122 Elizier Elazier Guzman.

Speaker 164 Hey, everybody, my name is Elazar.

Speaker 2 He tried his best.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 2 I probably shouldn't have smoked before this.

Speaker 164 You guys ever smoke and they feel like I have a heart attack?

Speaker 169 I gotta stop smoking methyl I'm kidding I I but I grew up Jehovah's Witness

Speaker 164 oh never get that reaction

Speaker 164 you usually even Mormons are like yikes

Speaker 2 so it made stuff like my birthday recently really weird I just recently turned 34

Speaker 2 thanks I've been freaking out about it Felt like I hadn't had enough sex in my life.

Speaker 164 So my last month of being 33, I just trying to go in as many dates as possible.

Speaker 168 And this last date I went on, this girl was like, look,

Speaker 168 I want to have sex tonight, but I have a UTI.

Speaker 110 And I said, look,

Speaker 110 I don't care what school you went to.

Speaker 122 Elaser.

Speaker 40 Am I saying that right?

Speaker 156 It's Elazar.

Speaker 34 Elazar.

Speaker 54 Elazar.

Speaker 63 There's a second E in there.

Speaker 8 Silent.

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 39 It looks like Eliazar or Eliezer.

Speaker 84 Yeah, it's

Speaker 66 people say that a lot.

Speaker 34 Yeah, people say it like that. When they read it.

Speaker 70 Yeah, about 100% of the people that read it.

Speaker 91 Just making sure.

Speaker 155 You tried to make me look like a fool.

Speaker 32 I know.

Speaker 129 I'm Elazar, obviously.

Speaker 61 How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 168 11 years.

Speaker 68 11 years? Awesome.

Speaker 64 Where at?

Speaker 168 New York City, New Jersey, all over the country.

Speaker 36 Fantastic.

Speaker 58 You live in Austin now?

Speaker 169 I live in Austin, yeah.

Speaker 117 Pass away. How long?

Speaker 83 Eight months. What do you do for work?

Speaker 164 I work at NADC Burger.

Speaker 8 Whoa.

Speaker 64 NADC?

Speaker 11 Not a damn chance.

Speaker 94 That is one of the best burgers in the entire city, owned by our very good friends.

Speaker 69 You have fun working there?

Speaker 66 I love it there.

Speaker 8 A lot of pride.

Speaker 105 It's a great place.

Speaker 24 Amazing.

Speaker 86 You get high on your own supply?

Speaker 27 Are you eating the burgers over there?

Speaker 66 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 110 So addicted.

Speaker 164 I'm broke as fuck, so I eat a burger every day. Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 86 Amazing.

Speaker 109 You get in a lot of spots around town?

Speaker 2 Not really.

Speaker 164 I just kind of make my own shows.

Speaker 147 I've been producing for a while. Very smart.

Speaker 65 Yeah.

Speaker 96 I love that. Very smart.

Speaker 60 If you put on a good show and book the people that you think are funny, eventually it will pick up steam.

Speaker 74 Is it a weekly show?

Speaker 164 Yeah, I have three right now.

Speaker 67 Very smart.

Speaker 131 This is what

Speaker 150 I think more people should do and try,

Speaker 9 especially if you're a more experienced comedian at 11 years.

Speaker 104 How long were you doing it in New York for?

Speaker 168 Pretty much the whole time, except for the past eight months.

Speaker 68 Right.

Speaker 68 What was the part where you said an all-around the country or whatever?

Speaker 168 So I did like some tours through like Tennessee and like

Speaker 169 New Orleans.

Speaker 164 Texas, but just like bar shows, Arizona.

Speaker 115 Very cool.

Speaker 115 Very cool.

Speaker 45 What were you doing for? Didn't one of those people pronounce your name right?

Speaker 169 No.

Speaker 35 Yeah, it seems like they wouldn't.

Speaker 138 Yeah.

Speaker 120 Eliazar.

Speaker 41 Eliazar.

Speaker 33 What were you doing for work in New York City?

Speaker 45 Yes, introduced him as 9-11.

Speaker 156 I was a busser.

Speaker 28 A busser. A busser.
A bus boy. Yeah.
But you say a busser,

Speaker 61 like you're not a boy at all.

Speaker 8 Yeah, no.

Speaker 164 I say bus man, so uh

Speaker 115 yeah

Speaker 67 absolutely.

Speaker 63 Um what else about your life?

Speaker 169 Um

Speaker 164 I I write stories.

Speaker 36 What kind of stories?

Speaker 164 Um short stories and novels.

Speaker 91 Nice.

Speaker 169 I've been doing that for most of my life.

Speaker 61 You do that like on a typewriter or a computer?

Speaker 84 Mostly on my phone.

Speaker 32 Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Speaker 86 What's your love life like? You seem like a good looking guy.

Speaker 140 Not great.

Speaker 8 I'm

Speaker 138 I'm a little awkward.

Speaker 155 Yeah.

Speaker 74 Yeah.

Speaker 155 So,

Speaker 138 you know, I fucked once

Speaker 164 since I've been out here.

Speaker 78 It's all that matters. Yeah.

Speaker 102 Yeah.

Speaker 48 Fuck once.

Speaker 35 That's all you need.

Speaker 63 How about love? When's the last time you were in love?

Speaker 22 Have you ever been in love?

Speaker 110 Yeah, a couple times. Yeah.

Speaker 25 Yeah. How long ago was that?

Speaker 164 Maybe like two or three years ago.

Speaker 27 All right.

Speaker 8 What happened there?

Speaker 137 She was psycho.

Speaker 35 So

Speaker 66 that happens. Yeah.

Speaker 86 That happens every once in a while.

Speaker 75 Is she a bad driver?

Speaker 137 No, but she carried a gun.

Speaker 169 In New York City. No, no.

Speaker 137 Yeah, actually, New Jersey. She's from New Jersey.

Speaker 86 Oh, that makes sense. Yeah.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 45 Yeah, that's not a psycho, that's just New Jersey.

Speaker 96 Elazar.

Speaker 130 What is that?

Speaker 92 Are you Mexican?

Speaker 169 No, I'm Puerto Rican.

Speaker 24 Ah, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 7 My favorito.

Speaker 45 I hear they're garbage.

Speaker 119 No, nobody heard that.

Speaker 13 Nobody said anything.

Speaker 61 I haven't seen that at all anywhere

Speaker 101 at any point.

Speaker 91 No one's ever said such a thing.

Speaker 38 Have you been to Puerto Rico?

Speaker 116 No.

Speaker 36 I have.

Speaker 58 At one point, it was one of my favorite vacation spots.

Speaker 159 What happened?

Speaker 38 Had to get a president elected real quick.

Speaker 101 No big deal. Just had to

Speaker 23 do my due diligence.

Speaker 131 Shut up.

Speaker 131 Shut up.

Speaker 23 Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, Mr.

Speaker 15 President.

Speaker 19 You're welcome.

Speaker 22 Anytime. Anytime for you.

Speaker 86 So are your parents obviously both Puerto Rican?

Speaker 169 No,

Speaker 168 my mother is Puerto Rican and my stepfather is Mexican.

Speaker 90 Okay.

Speaker 35 Did you talk to your mom about any of the incidences that happened a few weeks ago?

Speaker 54 With, oh, no.

Speaker 141 With my thing?

Speaker 164 She kind of stopped giving a shit about the political stuff a while ago.

Speaker 9 So she didn't, but I mean, Puerto Rico was in the news.

Speaker 34 She's been to Puerto Rico.

Speaker 164 I've been avoiding saying anything about it, honestly.

Speaker 24 Perfect. Yeah.

Speaker 9 It's a lose-lose situation.

Speaker 169 Yeah.

Speaker 61 And look at you now.

Speaker 28 Little does she know that I just gave you the biggest opportunity of your life.

Speaker 88 It all comes full circle, just like an island.

Speaker 73 All right.

Speaker 4 Fun times.

Speaker 122 Nice to meet you.

Speaker 93 Welcome to the show.

Speaker 19 Here's a brand new bones eye leather, real Texas leather joke book.

Speaker 14 And that is the Kill Tony debut of Elazar Guzman.

Speaker 82 The only Elazar spelled Eliezar.

Speaker 146 E-L-E-A-Z-A-R.

Speaker 13 Another bucket pull.

Speaker 4 This looks like a fun name.

Speaker 121 It's a three-word name with pretty silly handwriting.

Speaker 143 So this is a good sign.

Speaker 124 Make some noise for what I believe is the Kill Tony debut of Eric Ray Stone, everybody.

Speaker 66 Eric Ray Stone.

Speaker 159 Hi everybody.

Speaker 170 So I'm originally from Miami, which I know is the last thing you expect somebody that looks like this to say.

Speaker 170 Yeah, I fit it in a lot better since I've moved to Austin.

Speaker 170 But, you know, most people that are are born and raised in Miami feel like any place is better than Miami, you know, like most places.

Speaker 170 But then I moved to Baltimore in the middle of the winter. And, you know, what's not better than Miami?

Speaker 99 Fucking Baltimore in the middle of the winter.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 164 Like, even the bridge was like, fuck this.

Speaker 102 I can't take it anymore.

Speaker 170 Like, let's be honest.

Speaker 156 Baltimore is just Detroit that got crabs.

Speaker 18 That's it.

Speaker 170 And when I moved to town, I only knew one person in town, which was an old ex-girlfriend.

Speaker 155 And about a week before I moved there, she goes, listen, I got to tell you something.

Speaker 170 I've been working as a stripper, and I know, I know. You told me you were a bartender and got a concussion.
That shit don't happen.

Speaker 170 But also, I've been working as an escort.

Speaker 142 I said, okay, great.

Speaker 170 She said, but I don't like people calling me an escort or a sex worker. I think of myself as a service provider.

Speaker 168 I was like, nah, bitch, ATT is a service provider.

Speaker 164 You a hoe. Let's keep it real.

Speaker 170 All right, thank you. That's been my time.

Speaker 94 Eric Ray Stone, welcome to the show.

Speaker 106 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 34 Hell yeah.

Speaker 41 Your hair and everything, it seems like you would be crazier than you are.

Speaker 93 You got it together.

Speaker 10 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 87 Yeah, you look like you're going to tell a bunch of people to go kill Sharon Tate.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 73 Yeah.

Speaker 65 You do look, you have cult leader energies, but you're just an everyday nice guy.

Speaker 54 That's right.

Speaker 8 I love it.

Speaker 91 Eric Ray Stone. How old are you, Eric?

Speaker 138 I'm 30.

Speaker 148 30?

Speaker 18 Yeah. Hell yeah.

Speaker 156 Yeah, I know.

Speaker 170 Years have not been kind to me, have they?

Speaker 37 What's been going on?

Speaker 69 You have a cane for those of you listening to the podcast, like D-Madness is.

Speaker 70 He has a cane.

Speaker 170 I have Ehlers-Danlow syndrome.

Speaker 138 What is that?

Speaker 170 Ehlers-Danlow syndrome, E-D-S. It means my connective tissue sucks.
The only famous person I know that has it has Billie Eilish, but I don't have her theta, so nobody gives a shit.

Speaker 66 So, your connective tissue, like your tendons and thing, like, is that what that means?

Speaker 170 Yeah, tendons, ligands, ligaments, and cartilage. So, you

Speaker 60 tear them a lot?

Speaker 53 Yeah.

Speaker 170 Um, when I was younger, I played a lot of sports and did a lot of really stupid things. So, I thought I was just getting injured because I was doing really stupid things.

Speaker 54 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 170 Turns out, no, God has a sense of humor, too.

Speaker 86 You're like Mr. Glass.

Speaker 87 Yeah, exactly. Except he looks like a guy that would hang him.

Speaker 80 You try fish oil?

Speaker 131 Oh, fish oil.

Speaker 38 Very good, Red Band.

Speaker 38 Very good.

Speaker 45 What if that cured you right away?

Speaker 102 Yeah,

Speaker 84 this whole fucking time.

Speaker 45 Stand up like grandpa and the Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory.

Speaker 38 We love a good old work. Good old Dr.

Speaker 68 Red Ban over here recommending fish oil or Wendy's at 4 a.m.

Speaker 25 These are Red Band's lists of vitamins.

Speaker 63 Eric Ray Stone, how long you you been on stand-up?

Speaker 55 A little over three years now.

Speaker 150 A little over three years.

Speaker 69 You start here, Baltimore, Miami.

Speaker 170 I started in Miami and then I went up to Baltimore for quite a bit of time and then I came back to Miami and was working at the improv for a couple years down there.

Speaker 91 Interesting.

Speaker 62 The Miami Improv.

Speaker 24 Man, amazing. Was I ever there when you were there?

Speaker 55 You were. Yeah.

Speaker 64 Sounds about right. Were you working in the sound booth?

Speaker 66 Front door.

Speaker 144 They had you at front door.

Speaker 62 Dangerous position for a man with EDS.

Speaker 16 Did you look like that when you were in Miami?

Speaker 157 I'm sorry?

Speaker 6 You look like...

Speaker 64 You look like...

Speaker 8 You look like that.

Speaker 69 You're the only guy that looks like that in Miami.

Speaker 138 Pretty much.

Speaker 8 You and Jorge Masfidel. Yeah.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 45 We're not the other ones with canes or pimping as girlfriend.

Speaker 34 Amazing. How long have you rocked the cane?

Speaker 170 Ever since I had a hip reconstruction that didn't exactly go great.

Speaker 78 What happened?

Speaker 170 Well, I was supposed to heal from the surgery and I didn't.

Speaker 92 Did you try fish oil?

Speaker 10 Yeah.

Speaker 8 You did.

Speaker 66 Cocal butter?

Speaker 170 Ironically, they actually make you stop fish oil before you go into surgery. Like that's one of the things they're really specific about.

Speaker 84 I was like, that's odd, but okay.

Speaker 150 Yeah, interesting.

Speaker 86 No explanation for why they made you stop fish oil?

Speaker 170 No, there was an explanation, but I smoke a lot of weed, so I don't remember exactly what it was.

Speaker 109 That makes sense.

Speaker 105 Do you live in Austin now?

Speaker 18 I do.

Speaker 170 I just moved to town about a month ago. How do you like it so far? I'm loving every minute of it.
Yeah.

Speaker 92 What's a guy like you do for fun around here?

Speaker 61 I know everybody else said hikes earlier, I'm guessing.

Speaker 108 Putting on the writs.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 104 Look at him cracking up over here.

Speaker 22 Look at him just dying of laughter.

Speaker 155 That was fucking fun.

Speaker 85 What do you do for fun in Austin, Texas?

Speaker 55 Well, every day since I've been here since I've been here, comedy.

Speaker 170 But I've actually been hanging out at Sunset Strip a lot. I've got a lot of friends that work there.

Speaker 66 Look at that. Look at that.

Speaker 151 Some fish soil.

Speaker 8 All right.

Speaker 58 Tell us something crazy about your life, Eric.

Speaker 70 What's a fun fact that would surprise us about you?

Speaker 62 You ever do anything crazy or see anything crazy or family or anything?

Speaker 138 Yeah, so

Speaker 170 I found out not too long ago that apparently a lot of my family that was in Cuba that are now millionaires here were political prisoners because we were very fond of explosives and not so fond of communists.

Speaker 170 So yeah, I did not know that.

Speaker 68 Can you really just spell out what you just said?

Speaker 170 I'd prefer not to because there's, you know.

Speaker 149 Okay.

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 18 Well, he makes bombs and he looks like a guy who makes bombs.

Speaker 116 Yeah.

Speaker 64 Guys.

Speaker 45 He just finished his manifesto before he walked up there.

Speaker 45 And I mean that with love.

Speaker 164 That and the Ten Commandments.

Speaker 104 Yeah, you've been moseying along.

Speaker 96 Eric, you have a look to you that is incomparable to most.

Speaker 92 Does this, do you go on dates and stuff? Do you have a...

Speaker 170 Yeah, actually, I went on a date with one of the most beautiful women I've ever met about two weeks ago.

Speaker 65 How'd it go?

Speaker 18 Greg.

Speaker 22 Eric Raystone, not a fan of the organ music on that beat there.

Speaker 68 How'd it go? What'd you guys do?

Speaker 25 You went to a.

Speaker 170 We went out to a bar with her friends and then we went dancing, which was not very dancing for me.

Speaker 45 That was her telling you to leave.

Speaker 8 Well, yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 170 I should have taken the hints.

Speaker 22 We're going to go dancing if you want to go.

Speaker 60 You're like, sure, let's fucking go.

Speaker 168 I like a challenge.

Speaker 103 What can I say?

Speaker 45 We're gonna run a marathon.

Speaker 18 Yeah.

Speaker 28 What kind of dancing was it?

Speaker 41 Was it like Latino music or?

Speaker 156 No, it was Texas two-step, and I have no idea how to do that.

Speaker 13 Yeah, you can barely take one step.

Speaker 25 Yeah, this is incredible. This is

Speaker 79 absolutely amazing.

Speaker 13 You didn't know how to do it, but did you learn?

Speaker 65 Did she show you?

Speaker 138 She tried.

Speaker 170 Have you guys talked since then does this look like something that's gonna continue probably not i told her way too much about about my family and history so yeah you explained to her whatever you yeah said yep yeah all right that'll do it yeah

Speaker 170 yeah she had what's funny is we then made out afterwards so like it didn't seem like a deal breaker but then she blocked me the next day oh well there you go yeah that's what happens when you cane blast a girl

Speaker 21 it's probably all from the fish oil you probably have horse all right the fish oil very Very good.

Speaker 104 The running fish oil joke that literally only you laughed at.

Speaker 8 A callback.

Speaker 8 I love it.

Speaker 6 Let's do a big joke book for you, Eric Raystone.

Speaker 19 Here it is.

Speaker 14 And there he goes.

Speaker 74 On to the next one we go.

Speaker 4 You guys still having fun out there?

Speaker 31 Very interesting bucket pulls this episode.

Speaker 70 A lot of names we've seen before.

Speaker 56 This is a back-to-back three-word name very interesting a very rare treat three-word name back-to-back two in a row make some noise for Jerry Debo Smith everybody Jerry Debo Smith

Speaker 155 ah the whites

Speaker 163 Hey, a lot of people can't tell by looking at me though.

Speaker 154 I'd like to tell people this all the time, but I'm actually mixed myself.

Speaker 161 My mom is white, my dad is black.

Speaker 42 There's a lot of pros and cons to being a mixed kid.

Speaker 163 Like the biggest con to being mixed is that I got high blood pressure and mesothelioma.

Speaker 154 That's fucked up.

Speaker 42 Y'all laughing, but some mornings, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

Speaker 163 And here's the best part: this is the part I like the most.

Speaker 163 I have a big dick and a high credit score.

Speaker 8 Burr, burr, burr, burr.

Speaker 20 My eyes up here, nigga. Get the fuck out of here.

Speaker 162 All right, I'm lying. Listen,

Speaker 162 my dick is huge, but my credit is fucked up, son.

Speaker 42 My dad told me a long time ago when I was a kid.

Speaker 163 He says, Doesn't matter if you got good credit if you dig big. You'll find some fat white woman to buy you anything you want.

Speaker 162 I said, niggas, you talking about my mother?

Speaker 11 I almost whooped his ass that day.

Speaker 171 That was the day. Thank you.

Speaker 73 Wow.

Speaker 95 One of the performances of the night.

Speaker 12 The Kill Tony debut

Speaker 66 of Jerry Bebo Smith.

Speaker 172 Eagles Nation, my nigga.

Speaker 69 All right. You from Philly?

Speaker 154 No, I'm from D.C., but I live in San Antonio.

Speaker 66 Okay. Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 37 How long have you lived in San Antonio?

Speaker 154 Well, I started my career in San Antonio in 2010.

Speaker 172 They got my picture on the wall at Laugh Out Loud.

Speaker 71 Okay.

Speaker 37 Very good.

Speaker 66 Very good.

Speaker 161 I know he ain't asked me that, but I felt like a nigga gotta shine.

Speaker 80 Gotta shine.

Speaker 24 Hell yeah.

Speaker 61 Is your picture on the wall anywhere else, Jerry?

Speaker 150 Perhaps

Speaker 35 a convenience store or something.

Speaker 116 Oh, no, sir.

Speaker 162 No, sir.

Speaker 163 I ain't never been to jail now today in my life.

Speaker 171 And I'm caught up on my child support for the rest of you, motherfuckers, too.

Speaker 19 I love it. How many children do you have, Jerry?

Speaker 151 I have three.

Speaker 66 Okay.

Speaker 161 And they all got their own mother because they need special attention.

Speaker 11 If you're gonna have them, that's how you have them.

Speaker 158 That is fucking funny.

Speaker 119 Yeah, thank you.

Speaker 24 I've never heard that twist on being a terrible father before.

Speaker 66 You're a funny guy. Thank you.

Speaker 110 I appreciate that.

Speaker 58 So you've been doing it about 14 years.

Speaker 154 14 to November, yeah.

Speaker 54 i love it it is november yeah

Speaker 18 shit oh upcoming november no this oh shit last month then i've been

Speaker 21 all right october october fuck you congratulations congratulations

Speaker 162 i've been over there for two hours

Speaker 108 i love it jerry debo smith why do you go by three names uh because like a lot of my name is jerry smith Because I'm fucking white.

Speaker 66 My mom thought that shit would be cool.

Speaker 110 Yeah. In the hoods of DC.

Speaker 161 So I had to smack a lot of niggas around to get Debo and the name and shit.

Speaker 154 So, that's my real nickname.

Speaker 172 So, I like to go by my nickname when I'm on stage.

Speaker 155 I don't want to go by Jerry Smith. Nobody will come see me.

Speaker 120 I like it though. I get it.

Speaker 23 You have a Debo hoodie, but it's Seinfeld.

Speaker 154 Yeah, that's my favorite show, man. That's, I'm sorry, I mean to talk over you and shit.

Speaker 64 No, that's great.

Speaker 154 That's me sitting on Seinfeld couch, smoking a blunt and shit. You know what I'm saying? I love it.

Speaker 162 That's my merch.

Speaker 161 If y'all want to buy it, jerrydebosmith.com.

Speaker 28 Seinfeld's really your favorite show?

Speaker 162 Yeah, it's my favorite show.

Speaker 66 Wow, you really are a Jerry Smith.

Speaker 171 That is the way that the last per minute on that show is fucking amazing.

Speaker 141 I totally agree.

Speaker 37 You ever watch Golden Girls?

Speaker 11 Yeah, I do. Yes, I do.

Speaker 10 Yes, I do.

Speaker 23 LPMs for days.

Speaker 97 Like, shit, I swear.

Speaker 45 Your mom picked the television, didn't she?

Speaker 66 No, I did. That's my favorite show.

Speaker 161 Yeah, my mom died way before Seinfeld came on.

Speaker 108 Jesus, I'm sorry.

Speaker 10 No, don't.

Speaker 110 It's all good.

Speaker 121 How did your mom die?

Speaker 154 1995. She had.

Speaker 45 Oh, no, Seinfeld was banging.

Speaker 99 Did it?

Speaker 161 I thought it started in like 89.

Speaker 172 I mean 90 or 98.

Speaker 11 I'm sorry. I'm high dog.

Speaker 66 This nigga a samurai? All right.

Speaker 151 What the fuck?

Speaker 163 He said what the fuck?

Speaker 42 And I looked back and this nigga a samurai on the drums.

Speaker 8 All right.

Speaker 151 We both fucked up over here.

Speaker 163 A sleeveless samurai. Get that nigga.

Speaker 42 I'm sorry. I don't mean that.
They told me not to talk over y'all.

Speaker 151 Let me shut the fuck up.

Speaker 162 I feel weird being up here because I feel like I'm for sale.

Speaker 42 There's too many white people in here.

Speaker 14 You're doing great.

Speaker 61 You're doing great. You're not for sale.
Okay, all right.

Speaker 162 Just know I got bad knees, nigga. I ain't going in the fields.

Speaker 13 You got better knees than the last guy.

Speaker 118 I seen him.

Speaker 127 That's funny and shit.

Speaker 73 Hell yeah.

Speaker 162 I'm going to be quiet. I'm waiting for you now.

Speaker 108 You're doing good.

Speaker 14 You're doing good.

Speaker 31 Let the laughter die.

Speaker 153 Let it die.

Speaker 13 Anyway, when did your mom die?

Speaker 154 In 1995.

Speaker 22 But how? How did she die?

Speaker 155 Kidney failure.

Speaker 16 Oh, my goodness. Did she have...

Speaker 42 Y'all go see a nigga kill somebody here tonight.

Speaker 82 Did she have diabetes?

Speaker 171 No, no, she didn't.

Speaker 66 She was white.

Speaker 42 Diabetes is on my dad's side.

Speaker 102 That's on the other side.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 64 She just had random kidney failure?

Speaker 108 How does she say that?

Speaker 155 No, well, she's, I don't want to put her business out there, but she used to smoke cocaine and shit.

Speaker 172 You know, like.

Speaker 24 Oh, okay. It's all right.

Speaker 53 Yeah, sure. She met met your dad, yeah, yeah, honestly, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 162 You ain't wrong, though, it ain't like he wasn't a drug dealer and shit.

Speaker 24 Red Band is wondering how to have kidney failure from cocaine.

Speaker 16 Is that a common thing?

Speaker 66 I don't know anything about that.

Speaker 53 Well, no, I just, I don't know.

Speaker 161 I don't think that's, I mean, she used to do, but that's the only thing I can say, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 155 That she used to do drugs, and she had no other problems other than that.

Speaker 110 She was snorting it wrong. Snorting it.

Speaker 11 I probably was.

Speaker 161 I didn't come here to kill nobody, but I'm about to kill one of these four niggas on this stage.

Speaker 42 I got one more mama joke, and I'm going to fuck somebody up.

Speaker 162 Show y'all why my name is Debo.

Speaker 59 Oh, shit. Jerry, relax, Jerry.

Speaker 66 I'm just playing. I'm just playing.

Speaker 162 I'm just fucking with y'all.

Speaker 20 I'm having fun.

Speaker 173 Yo, mama's so fat.

Speaker 119 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 42 The nigga all the way in the corner talking shit.

Speaker 162 I wouldn't be able to look at the police.

Speaker 110 I wouldn't be able to get to you and shit.

Speaker 45 Hey, Devo. Yes, sir.
You should take his chain.

Speaker 151 That shit fake.

Speaker 67 That's his. Oh, shit.

Speaker 163 That's shining like a motherfucker.

Speaker 171 It's fake, and your eyes cross a little bit.

Speaker 161 They got you, my nigga.

Speaker 97 It was close. It was a close call.

Speaker 63 Are all your kids in one city?

Speaker 42 No, no.

Speaker 154 My oldest son is 13 and my daughter is 12 and they live in Virginia.

Speaker 172 And my son, I have a seven-year-old here in DC, in Texas.

Speaker 102 All right.

Speaker 78 Okay, that's right.

Speaker 62 We can't play that anymore else.

Speaker 27 YouTube will get us in trouble.

Speaker 150 All right. So, so interesting, Jerry.

Speaker 85 So, so funny.

Speaker 9 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 154 First time you've seen a comic from San Antonio will be funny, huh?

Speaker 8 We've had a couple.

Speaker 59 We've had a couple of people.

Speaker 135 I watched the show.

Speaker 42 I watched the show and them motherfuckers are lame.

Speaker 28 You might be the best.

Speaker 63 You might be the best.

Speaker 97 I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

Speaker 57 And here's the big joke, book.

Speaker 57 Sign up again.

Speaker 106 Come back.

Speaker 152 We need people like you. Jerry Debo Smith.

Speaker 125 All right.

Speaker 31 We're going to fly through these last two bucket fulls real quick.

Speaker 124 Turbo rounds.

Speaker 125 Brand new minute coming at you.

Speaker 12 This looks like another new name.

Speaker 7 Make some noise for Sam Cokes, everybody.

Speaker 68 Sam Cokes.

Speaker 2 Do you ever see like a super cut homeless guy and just feel terrible about yourself?

Speaker 108 Fuck the gym.

Speaker 2 I'm going to start fighting my demons on street corners.

Speaker 2 That's some high-intensity interval training right there.

Speaker 2 I had a date recently. It was a first date.
The topic of hobbies came up. Now, I like hunting.
But what's worse is I can only really afford to hunt squirrels.

Speaker 54 So

Speaker 2 yeah, I mentioned that. And there's nothing to gain by admitting you're a squirrel hunter on a first date.

Speaker 2 Yeah, that is a lose-lose situation, if you're wondering. Because they either respond like this cow did, which is, oh my God, get this redneck asshole away from me.

Speaker 2 Or they can be into it,

Speaker 2 which I think is worse.

Speaker 66 Somehow.

Speaker 2 If they're like, oh my God, you kill rodents and skin them and eat their flesh. Wow, you're such a provider.
That's that's so masculine.

Speaker 2 That could be dicey. That could be dicey.
I don't know if I'm equipped for that, but that's my time, guys. Thank you.

Speaker 76 Sam Coates.

Speaker 75 Hello, Sam.

Speaker 73 Hello.

Speaker 24 How are you? How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 2 Almost a year. Almost a year.

Speaker 32 Where at?

Speaker 2 Mostly in Austin.

Speaker 83 Where at before that?

Speaker 2 Oh, you know, Shakespeare's.

Speaker 2 Oh, a little in Detroit, but mostly...

Speaker 2 Mostly here in Austin.

Speaker 64 Is that where you're originally from?

Speaker 2 No, I'm from Ontario, Canada. A town called Sarnia.

Speaker 31 Yes. What is it? Sarnia?

Speaker 2 Sarnia. Yeah, like Narnia with an S.

Speaker 24 Yeah.

Speaker 66 Yeah. Yeah.
Got it. Mm-hmm.

Speaker 24 Is someone booing you?

Speaker 10 There you go. What the hell, man?

Speaker 147 What the fuck?

Speaker 28 You do look a little Trudeau-esque.

Speaker 66 I will say that.

Speaker 121 You got the fucking

Speaker 54 creepy before.

Speaker 66 Yeah, I bet.

Speaker 87 Throw on some blackface.

Speaker 45 We'll know for sure.

Speaker 84 Yeah, right?

Speaker 125 We're going to find out a bit.

Speaker 16 Trudeau, you know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 What do you do for work i uh i do sales tony what are you selling sam uh

Speaker 2 i do h the hvac sales i'm going door to door selling uh that's right i know i realize i feel like i'm leaving a wake of like mildly annoyed people behind me the whole time i haven't really reconciled that but it's fun i enjoy it tell us the craziest thing about your life Well, the craziest thing.

Speaker 2 I mean, I lived in a van in Australia for a year.

Speaker 84 Wow.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so that was kind of, that was exciting.

Speaker 156 But why?

Speaker 2 I was planting trees there. I was planting trees in Australia.

Speaker 106 Oh, why?

Speaker 54 Yeah.

Speaker 54 For money.

Speaker 108 You got paid to plant it. That's good coin.

Speaker 2 Yeah, a lot of people think it's volunteer work, but you actually get paid per tree. And once you get good at it, it's actually pretty good.

Speaker 85 How much do you get paid for planting a tree in American money?

Speaker 2 I've never planted trees here, only Canada and Australia, but it's like varies only 10 to 25 cents per tree.

Speaker 2 But, you know, you plant thousands a day, so it adds up.

Speaker 130 Even the Mexicans are like, what the fuck?

Speaker 112 See all of their faces just like, dude, what do you

Speaker 66 chieve, dude?

Speaker 32 Get the fuck out of here, bro.

Speaker 84 What the fuck?

Speaker 36 You guys ever hear of something that's so crazy?

Speaker 70 White boys planting trees for a dime?

Speaker 45 Wow. I guess people do come here to do the white people jobs.

Speaker 2 Here's the thing, though. You plant thousands a day.
Okay. So, you know, you can make pretty good money.
It's hard work, but it's fun.

Speaker 2 You have to live in the middle of nowhere, have crazy parties in the bush with a bunch of weird hippie people.

Speaker 53 It's cool.

Speaker 18 Very cool.

Speaker 45 Yeah, that's $100.

Speaker 67 Yeah.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 143 But I guess that's a lot for a little Canadian boy.

Speaker 41 What do you think is the most Canadian thing about you?

Speaker 2 Most Canadian thing about me.

Speaker 84 I don't know, man.

Speaker 2 I didn't play hockey. That's pretty Canadian.
I think planting trees, man, like, that's pretty Canadian.

Speaker 66 Like, that is.

Speaker 2 I have a lot of trees. Most Canadian thing about me, man.

Speaker 2 I don't know. That I hate Trudeau, I think.
That's pretty Canadian. That's pretty, that's a consensus these days.

Speaker 82 Like, that guy kind of sucks.

Speaker 55 Were there any black people where you were raised? No.

Speaker 2 No.

Speaker 22 Were there any Mexicans?

Speaker 2 No Mexicans either.

Speaker 128 No, that's heaven-like.

Speaker 165 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 19 Amazing.

Speaker 83 This is what

Speaker 159 I enjoyed it.

Speaker 2 I don't know why I left, honestly. In hindsight, it's pretty good up there.

Speaker 45 Sounds quiet.

Speaker 56 Sam, here's a little joke book.

Speaker 63 We're flying through the rest of this episode.

Speaker 31 There goes, Sam coaxes everybody.

Speaker 118 Got through a lot of bucket pulls tonight.

Speaker 14 This is our 10th and final bucket pull of the night.

Speaker 12 This young lady's been on this show before.

Speaker 4 It's been a long time.

Speaker 146 Make some noise for a brand new minute from Gina Hyena, everybody.

Speaker 38 Gina Hyena.

Speaker 98 I'm not even goth. I just dress like this because my ex used to hit me.

Speaker 98 Every once in a while I have somebody come up after the show and be like, that's awful. You don't deserve that.
And it's just like, get to know me better, you know?

Speaker 98 It's my fault. It's totally my fault.
Not just because I talk back, but it's my fault because I dated a pimp for four years.

Speaker 98 Yeah, that should have been a fling. My dumbass tried to turn a trap house into a trap home.

Speaker 47 It's

Speaker 98 yeah, calm down.

Speaker 98 He wasn't black, Texas. It was a, I'm Italian.
I couldn't do that to my Italian family, you know? Like, I could take a criminal home, but I'm not going to push it.

Speaker 84 It's.

Speaker 98 It is embarrassing. He was half Italian, half Jewish.
Perfect crossbreed for a pimp. Strong backhand, but fiscally responsible.

Speaker 98 Embarrassing, embarrassing to hold it down for a cheap criminal. Embarrassing to waste your 20s, your tight skin, your youthful outlook.
Date a guy that hits you when he didn't even play for the NFL.

Speaker 98 When I meet young girls, I tell them, date an athlete. Just don't take the elevator.

Speaker 12 Thank you guys.

Speaker 73 Boom.

Speaker 14 One minute,

Speaker 74 nine seconds.

Speaker 19 Gina hyena, punchline, punchline, punchline, punchline, punchline.

Speaker 23 Amazing.

Speaker 138 Welcome back.

Speaker 86 It's been a long time since we've seen you.

Speaker 37 How's it going?

Speaker 84 Oh, great.

Speaker 98 I haven't been here. This is awesome.

Speaker 66 Fantastic. Where have you been?

Speaker 98 I've been in Philly. I live in New York now.
I've been doing shows in San Diego, Albany. It's been fun.

Speaker 47 I love it. I love it.

Speaker 88 Amazing.

Speaker 28 Amazing set.

Speaker 63 What else is going on?

Speaker 98 I mean, just

Speaker 98 trying to get into comedy. I got to get more online.
So this is awesome to be here. It's awesome to see you guys in this.
This is fucking fantastic.

Speaker 24 Just fantastic set.

Speaker 98 Trying to write, trying to bring it more to life. That's all true.

Speaker 72 Didn't you live here for a while?

Speaker 98 I did. I lived here 2018 to 2020.
So I moved down here out of the blue. That was actually because when I was dating that guy, some shit got hot, allegedly.
And I moved to Texas, didn't know anybody.

Speaker 98 And then I started comedy a year later because I was like, nobody knows me. I can have a stage name, whatever.
And then lost my job during COVID, had to move back to New York.

Speaker 98 And then everybody from comedy moved here. I've been kicking myself and trying to come back as much as I can.

Speaker 45 I love it. So you're hiding from a pimp on one of the biggest shows in the world?

Speaker 98 Entertainment podcast, comedy,

Speaker 98 allegedly, yes.

Speaker 100 Yes.

Speaker 157 No, I think he quit.

Speaker 100 He had quite a portfolio.

Speaker 98 But that's like the most fun one to talk about, you know?

Speaker 69 He got got out of pimping.

Speaker 98 Yeah, now he's a real real estate real estate. He grew into the Jewish genes.

Speaker 72 Wow.

Speaker 8 Yeah.

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 107 Good. He went from.
And I didn't get one Gucci bump me Michael Kors once.

Speaker 98 That was the only time I thought I was going to rat on him.

Speaker 66 Pimping to real estate?

Speaker 59 Yeah. Who goes from hose to home?

Speaker 18 So stupid.

Speaker 108 I'm not going hose to homes with you.

Speaker 158 Our own inside jokes.

Speaker 45 It's nice you can find an industry to be a bigger piece of shit.

Speaker 66 Yeah,

Speaker 100 for real, for real.

Speaker 98 No, actually, we, um, it wasn't even that that made me break up with him. He told me he wanted to get me pregnant, and that's when I like finally pictured it from a third-party perspective.

Speaker 98 He met my family, whole thing.

Speaker 45 Did your doctor say, try not to punch the baby?

Speaker 98 How else are you going to know it's breathing? True.

Speaker 45 And if you shake him too hard, you don't know it's not.

Speaker 98 I like the idea of coaching him being like, slip right, you know?

Speaker 98 I know all his moves. Now, it's a, I got away from that, moved down here, moved back.

Speaker 13 Are you dating anyone now?

Speaker 98 Yeah, I'm actually dating a psychiatrist, not my psychiatrist, but

Speaker 98 I'm not that hot. No, it's a, he's great.

Speaker 100 He's, he's great. He's awesome.

Speaker 98 I have no shit to talk about him. I can talk shit about dating down here all day.

Speaker 36 How long have you been with the psychiatrist?

Speaker 98 About eight months now.

Speaker 91 And what's that like? Does he

Speaker 98 communicate? It's weird as fuck.

Speaker 23 Yeah, he like asks you about you

Speaker 63 and just sits there and listens.

Speaker 100 He listens. Whoa.

Speaker 98 It's like Coco the gorilla. Like he just like communicates back.
It's weird as fuck.

Speaker 66 That's wild.

Speaker 24 Yeah. That is wild.

Speaker 105 Yeah.

Speaker 98 I'm not used to it. Like the first time he ever asked me if I needed reassurance, I thought we were about to fight.

Speaker 100 Like I didn't know the fuck that was supposed to be.

Speaker 98 Yeah, I'm his muse.

Speaker 55 Gina, you are very, very funny.

Speaker 88 Red Band.

Speaker 34 Are you in town this week?

Speaker 8 I am.

Speaker 166 I'd love to have you back on the secret show.

Speaker 119 There you go.

Speaker 118 Another one. Thank you so much.
Thank you, guys.

Speaker 152 It's been a while since we've seen you.

Speaker 57 Do you have one of these? Gina, you have one of these? There you go. Gina hyena.
Booyah.

Speaker 118 Follow her.

Speaker 152 Eggs and hot sauce.

Speaker 15 The letter N.

Speaker 13 Eggs and hot sauce.

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 81 This is it.

Speaker 13 We did it. 10 bucket pulls down.

Speaker 58 Absolutely fantastic episode of the show.

Speaker 31 There's only one way to put a ribbon on it.

Speaker 124 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kiltony Hall of Famer, record holder for all-time appearances on the show, all-time interviews.

Speaker 31 A man like no other in this show's history.

Speaker 12 Tens and tens, perhaps hundreds of hours of entertainment given to us by who some people call

Speaker 95 the Memphis Strangler,

Speaker 13 the Zippic Zorro,

Speaker 55 the vicar of the Vape Pen,

Speaker 124 the vanilla gorilla,

Speaker 125 the Virgin of Virginia.

Speaker 14 This is indeed the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Speaker 174 Tony, first off, you know I'm not a virgin and you know I don't smoke a vape pin.

Speaker 43 So, and also just I hope the girl who's just on realizes that I think a lot of the time psychiatrists are psychopaths.

Speaker 150 So, I hope she realizes that.

Speaker 174 I tried to join a gang, but I couldn't even pass a background truck.

Speaker 43 Despite repeatedly saying you would never do it, Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter.

Speaker 43 And I'm going to be honest, I had no idea that knocking up a stripper after having sex with your dead brother's widow was a crime.

Speaker 174 And also, shouts out to Hagrid in the crowd tonight.

Speaker 10 It looks like we got Hagrid from Harry Potter out there.

Speaker 73 Okay.

Speaker 43 Employees at a Planet Fitness recently found a guy who had been dead in a tanning bed for three days. The good news is he smelled like shit.

Speaker 11 The bad news, he had...

Speaker 174 God damn it, I messed it up.

Speaker 110 Red band, why'd you play the song?

Speaker 43 Okay, he was dead in the tanning bed for three days. The bad news is he smelled like shit.
The good news, his skin had a nice glow to it.

Speaker 67 Okay.

Speaker 137 Thank you.

Speaker 14 He has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 12 The biggest, reddest machine of them all.

Speaker 88 William Lights Out, Thunderfuck Montgomery.

Speaker 43 So nice to be here tonight.

Speaker 120 We love you, William.

Speaker 43 Tony, we had a wonderful Thanksgiving. Tony and I and Red Band, we spent Thanksgiving together.

Speaker 63 We did have a big, wonderful Thanksgiving together.

Speaker 113 We had a big family Thanksgiving, family style.

Speaker 43 It was wonderful. Tony actually brought some really good baked ham, and Red Band brought a bowl of marshmallows.
Like the little marshmallows. It was like the dumbest.
It was like the stupidest thing.

Speaker 43 It was like what a little child would bring or something. It really was like the stupidest.

Speaker 43 But your ham, you did, Tony, was wonderful. And then I had a wonderful Native American Heritage Day after that.
And Tony, that's where I actually got my hair done. I went to him.

Speaker 8 Oh.

Speaker 43 So I was able to, I told him to do it in Rasta colors. But yes, it is for Native American Heritage Day.
I was able to get it on Friday.

Speaker 8 Wow.

Speaker 13 You say you looked like both a Native American and a pilgrim at the same time.

Speaker 43 Oh fun. But yeah, it was fun.
And then I've gotten to,

Speaker 43 you're not going to want to hear this, Tony, but I've gotten to prestige number seven in Call of Duty we just experienced, which Tony is. is a pretty big deal.

Speaker 43 Most people I'm playing with in these in these game rooms, they're, I don't know, prestige three or four or something. I'm at prestige seven right now.
So wow.

Speaker 3 Wow. Do you know about Call of Duty?

Speaker 43 You're more of a Madden guy, right?

Speaker 162 But sir.

Speaker 3 But Call of Duty, do you know about that at all?

Speaker 107 Oh, I don't play it, but I do know about it.

Speaker 43 So Prestige 7 is pretty good, right?

Speaker 76 It's pretty impressive.

Speaker 97 Yeah. Along with that hairline.

Speaker 43 No, that was like, that was a nice thing. That was a nice thing.

Speaker 80 Sketch is ready.

Speaker 70 People are trying to start Sketch Chance out there in the crowd.

Speaker 121 His first time in front of a live audience has bullets in the chamber.

Speaker 13 Ready to go.

Speaker 43 Absolutely ready to go. Sketcho's nice, though, right?

Speaker 175 It was awesome.

Speaker 129 Yeah.

Speaker 161 What was nice?

Speaker 43 No, you were being nice saying there at the hairline. Like, there was like a nice thing, right?

Speaker 3 Oh, I like it. A little Ben Frank?

Speaker 141 Okay, help me, Tony.

Speaker 3 What's going on?

Speaker 34 You're doing good.

Speaker 38 You're doing good.

Speaker 34 What's going on?

Speaker 69 I don't think anyone's ever referred to you as Ben Franklin-like before, but I do see it, and I'm surprised no one has.

Speaker 43 Yeah, my gosh, I'll take it. Right around Thanksgiving, it's fun.
Thank you.

Speaker 48 Maybe you guys can fly kites after this together.

Speaker 28 Have you ever flown a kite before, William?

Speaker 43 Yeah, one time I was in Destin, Florida, Tony, and I was able to, they used to have those big spools that you could, big things of string for the kites.

Speaker 43 And I remember connecting two of those big spools together, and the kite got so high up in the air and a storm came in and i was having to hold the spool down by the sand because it was shocking me tony it was up that high so i got a kite up really high one time did you look like that before

Speaker 43 no it was when i started losing my hair and

Speaker 43 wow

Speaker 121 I like the okay.

Speaker 43 Okay, that didn't make sense. I did.

Speaker 24 I'm an idiot.

Speaker 43 Like, I'm bombing up here. I'm not even in a good mood right now.

Speaker 78 Didn't make sense.

Speaker 43 i do like the green shirt you're obviously uh winding up for the christmas spirit perhaps you're gonna get more christmassy each appearance this december i am i am so excited we are in the month of christmas we're in quarter four month of christmas it is my favorite time of the year so tony get ready for it i'm gonna be getting even more christmas christmassy as we get closer to christmas so everybody get really excited for that you like to rattle off some of your favorite things about Christmas.

Speaker 63 Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery rattling off some of his favorite Christmas things.

Speaker 64 What excites you about Christmas?

Speaker 43 Oh my gosh. I mean, you get family and friends coming together.

Speaker 43 All right.

Speaker 91 Obviously, we're starting with the lighter stuff here.

Speaker 30 Yeah. It's going to get more exciting as it goes.

Speaker 18 Here he goes.

Speaker 43 I mean, you get family and friends. I mean, sometimes you might get like a...

Speaker 43 Wait, Tony, hold on.

Speaker 24 My throat.

Speaker 43 I'm really still not doing it.

Speaker 64 Okay, just rattle stuff off.

Speaker 22 Doesn't matter.

Speaker 63 You don't have to scream at William.

Speaker 43 I'm doing so bad, Tony, and I have this horrible fever right now. I'm doing really

Speaker 24 bad right now.

Speaker 64 It's really depressing.

Speaker 8 You can literally have said anything in the world other than that. It would have been better.

Speaker 43 But my mom's angel cookies. Really looking forward to those.

Speaker 47 I mean, we're talking.

Speaker 149 That's one thing.

Speaker 43 What else? Chocolate chip cookies. Oh, looking forward to those.

Speaker 86 Naming different types of cookies, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 22 This is not going as I expected it to go at all.

Speaker 80 What happened there?

Speaker 63 You want to find out? What happened?

Speaker 24 What did happen?

Speaker 43 Were they all drunk or how'd y'all knock it over?

Speaker 22 Oh, you had to have your arm around your lady there we started talking about christmas this guy was get trying to get cozy did they knock over the guy with the nipples give everybody new covid

Speaker 131 perhaps perhaps it could be a winter of death and danger for your families according to whitehouse.gov somebody was sick somebody talking on the microphone was sick or no uh cam cleaned it off thank god yeah oh yeah

Speaker 43 because that's something i started thinking about tony i'm like oh my god what if somebody before me is sick? It's like, I'm gonna get fucking sick up in this motherfucker.

Speaker 43 Like, sometimes I'm not even.

Speaker 45 One guy could barely walk.

Speaker 38 Yeah,

Speaker 129 it's true.

Speaker 13 It's true.

Speaker 68 He had a cane, and spoiler alert, it was not a candy cane.

Speaker 86 We're rattling off some of William's favorite Christmas things, but you could tell by the music and the sleigh bells.

Speaker 122 Here he is with some more Christmas things.

Speaker 70 Master improviser William Montgomery.

Speaker 56 You can say anything Christmas related.

Speaker 13 People are literally yelling out things. All you have to do is repeat them into the microphone for the millions of people watching at home.
Here he goes.

Speaker 30 Christmas things with William Montgomery.

Speaker 93 You hear the sleigh bells?

Speaker 120 Here he goes.

Speaker 13 Perhaps the lighting is going to help him rattle off some Christmas things.

Speaker 34 To put a ribbon on this episode.

Speaker 173 Candy canes and Snickers bars and butterfingers and Snickers bars and candy canes on Christmas

Speaker 173 Candy canes and Snickers bars and Snickers bars and candy canes and candy canes at Christmas

Speaker 173 Christmas this year is going to be fun at my

Speaker 173 mama's house

Speaker 173 We're going to get a doll for Christmas this year.

Speaker 173 That's what my dad says.

Speaker 115 Okay.

Speaker 115 Wow.

Speaker 95 Amazing William Montgomery. Okay.

Speaker 14 How loud can this place get for the great and powerful William Montgomery?

Speaker 81 We did it again.

Speaker 152 This episode is brought to you by Zippix, our amazing sponsor. Here's some cinnamon zippics for the holiday season.

Speaker 64 Some sweet whiskey for this guy.

Speaker 59 Some zippix.

Speaker 124 Ooh, peppermint watermelon.

Speaker 13 Is there perhaps a cool black guy nope all right it's going to a latino there you go all right el mocha

Speaker 39 all right there you go a little mocha thank you zippix the drawing from ryan j he belt is in How loud can this place get for sketch, ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 152 His first time in front of a live audience. Check us.

Speaker 57 I mean, you probably already follow him on Twitch and YouTube.

Speaker 14 He's a global superstar, but if you don't, follow him there.

Speaker 123 He streams DaveLandau.com.

Speaker 14 That's L-A-N-D-A-U.com. Hilarious tonight.

Speaker 12 He's on tour.

Speaker 10 Go to DaveLandau.com for tickets and check out Normal World on Blaze TV featuring Dave Landau.

Speaker 30 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight over there.

Speaker 74 Oh, John Dees.

Speaker 24 Look at that.

Speaker 37 That's you, John.

Speaker 131 That's what you look like.

Speaker 24 It is.

Speaker 24 That's good, right?

Speaker 13 We are going to be auctioning that off after the show.

Speaker 94 We're gonna also auction off the painting.

Speaker 10 What did he say? Oh, no, you did it.

Speaker 100 Oh, shit. What did he say?

Speaker 118 Nothing.

Speaker 82 John D's on keys.

Speaker 12 How about one more time for the best stand band in the land, everybody?

Speaker 81 We did it.

Speaker 14 Thank you all.

Speaker 118 Red band.

Speaker 95 Check out the sunsetstripatx.com.

Speaker 2 Love you guys.

Speaker 118 This is it.

Speaker 95 This is your last chance to get this stream

Speaker 66 for

Speaker 121 another week.

Speaker 122 Yeah, New Year's Eve.

Speaker 58 The stream is on sale.

Speaker 4 You're going to want to see it live.

Speaker 55 December 30th and 31st, completely sold out.

Speaker 34 Two arenas.

Speaker 123 We're doing it again here in Austin, Texas, the new comedy capital of the world.

Speaker 31 God bless you all and God bless the United States of America.

Speaker 14 Thank you, everybody. Good night.

Speaker 14 I want to make sure

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