#696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU

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Just a few, uh, a few.

Harry is spelled H-A-R-R-Y, by the way.

Not, not Not Harry, H-A-I-R-Y.

Good job.

You thought he was a hairy potter?

Like a guy with a lot of hair?

We haven't even begun yet.

It's unbelievable.

Anyway,

what is that even for?

What are you doing over there?

I just see you typing in H-A-I-R-Y potter.

Like a hairy, like he's not even hairy.

His first name's Harry.

Okay.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix September 10th.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Every single week, I have two of the funniest people in the world.

You know what I love about this month?

This is New Guest Month here on Kiltoni.

And these are two brands spanking new ones.

One is a comedy veteran who just moved to Texas from beautiful New York City.

The other is one of the most famous streamers in the world who came to visit the show last week.

The whole staff fell in love with them, and we decided to have them here one week later.

Ladies and gentlemen, makes the noise for tonight's guest.

It's Dave Landau in Sketch.

Oh boy.

Oh my god, Dave Landau.

Sketch.

Get over here, Sketch.

Sit down, buddy.

Dave Landau.

Dave Landau, Sketch.

Oh, my goodness.

This episode is sponsored by Zippix.

Dave Landau is on tourdavelandau.com.

Sketch is one of the most famous streamers in the world.

Never done stand-up comedy before in your life.

Am I correct?

No, sir.

First time in front of a live audience.

Look at that.

This guy's used to just fucking sitting there, no pants on, whatever's going on in the wild world of streamers.

I don't know.

I don't ever see any of it, but I guess the kids love it.

Hey, it's a little more formal, but I'm ready to

came here ready to fuck up, so I guess we'll.

Nailed it.

How about a hand for Sketch's first live audience?

You guys are it.

That's pretty exciting.

Dave Landau, a 20-year stand-up comedy veteran, quite the opposite, quite the mix here we have.

Welcome, Dave.

Thanks for having me.

We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

I'm looking forward to it.

Very funny, man.

I've seen a stand-up, a new resident to Texas.

Am I correct?

I've been in Dallas for a while.

I've been coming to Austin finally, which is its own state.

Exactly.

Isn't that the truth?

We're going to have a wild time tonight.

Over 250 human beings signed up for this bucket.

Oh, Jesus, I just spilled 12 names on the fucking thing.

Anything can happen.

I've been doing a thing where I have an audience member pick the first name.

You have a great Kiltoni shirt on, sir.

Go right ahead.

Guy in a Philadelphia Eagles hoodie over here.

What do we got?

Let's do it.

That looks fine.

Not inside.

Go wrangle them.

And while they wrangle that comedian from across the street, let me me remind you guys that that bucket pool gets 60 seconds.

Everyone does.

You know, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

which interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview.

We have fun with them.

We figure out what else is interesting about them.

What else could they joke about?

Is that how their set always goes?

Anything can happen.

It's always wild.

The whole thing's improvised.

You guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Let's start it with a a very special time,

everybody.

This young lady was made the most recent golden ticket winner just two or three weeks ago.

And this is her first scheduled, brand new minute on the show.

We're all very excited.

The youthful, the powerful, the brand spanking new first scheduled appearance makes some noise for golden ticket winner the Kiltoni redebut of IA, ladies and gentlemen.

Ia starting off the show.

I'm in college.

College is cool.

I like it because it's a time where you can learn things about yourself.

Like I recently found out that I'm asexual.

Okay.

I'm asexual, so I'll sleep with any of my professors for a good grade.

Except if they're women.

I'm a straight straight A student.

Oh, yeah.

I'm a straight A student.

A lot of girls my age have sugar daddies.

I don't know.

I couldn't do it.

It doesn't seem right.

Like, my dad also has diabetes, but I would never sell his insulin to pay rent.

I'm, like, too scared of reaching for one of the needles, and then it pokes me.

And now I have diabetes.

I can't afford diabetes.

$35 for a pair of socks.

No, thank you.

No, I'm broke.

I'm so broke the other day I Googled how to make gas at home.

Step one is to control Afghanistan.

So,

okay, thank you guys.

Aya,

the new.

Newest golden ticket winner with a brand new minute.

Aya.

Where are you going to college, Aya?

Well, I just graduated.

I wrote that joke while I was in college, but I was at UT.

I just finished there.

Nice.

Hell yeah.

What did you study there?

I studied film.

Oh, cool.

So I didn't do a lot of learning, but

it's nice to walk around the campus and stuff.

They have hammocks and stuff.

Hell yeah.

Sounds pretty chill.

Is that expensive college, or do you get like a scholarship?

No, I went for free.

So the government.

Thank you, government.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

The federal government?

Was it the state government?

I think it was a little bit of both.

So UT gives out, like, they're really generous.

The really generous people out there.

To people like you.

Yeah, that, yeah, they've told me I'm special in a lot of ways.

They really have.

Yeah.

They, like, because I'm a woman, so they like.

They want you there and stuff.

You ever do anything for extra scholarship money, like wear a burqa or drag a rainbow flag around or protest or anything?

I had to do that stuff in high school.

No, yeah, I used to do that stuff in high school.

I love it.

So you weren't Googling gas because you're pro-Palestine?

No, I actually don't even use Google that often.

Awesome.

It was just a joke.

I thought you were going to say I don't even use gas.

That you had an electric car.

You have electric car energies.

What kind of car do you have?

Oh, I know.

I have a

gas car.

Oh, very good.

Yeah.

It's a Toyota.

Hell yeah.

Sketch, what are you thinking over here?

I see you.

So asexual?

What do you think about me then?

Are you actually asexual?

You could probably Google that one.

I don't know if anyone's been on Twitter.

I actually thought I was asexual at one point, but I had an eating disorder, so I was severely malnourished.

So maybe just try eating more.

I like them

all different types.

Speaking.

Speech people can't hurt you anymore.

Speaking of all different types, does your dad really have diabetes?

Yeah, he does, type two.

So it was his fault.

Amazing.

Yeah.

He deserves it.

What do you think it was that gave him type two?

So my dad is like obsessed with honey.

So he got it from like honey and then like dates, like the Arab

dried fruit, which is so lame.

He doesn't like eat cakes or sugar.

It's just natural sugars that gave it to him.

Wow.

Honey and dates.

It's amazing.

Those are Red Band's healthiest snacks.

Amazing.

Oh, bother.

There you go.

That's my business partner, everybody.

The old Harry Potter.

Time to shave your potter down, for he is hairy.

You'll figure it out.

I can't wait.

I can't wait.

Any second now, it's going to all make sense.

Aya, I love it.

What else?

Anything else before we let you go?

Anything else crazy going on in life?

Yeah, my dad has like this guy living in his backyard.

Whoa.

And he's like, he keeps giving him tasks to do around our backyard.

Like, my dad has like a white slave, basically.

Amazing.

And it's, he's, like, on meth or something.

And he just hangs out and he's been building a fence for my parents for like three months.

Those are called Mexicans.

No, no.

This guy, because my dad, dad, like, he doesn't, he doesn't know Spanish, and he doesn't know English very well.

So, him communicating with someone who doesn't speak English at all, this would be really tough.

But, so he likes white labor.

So, wow.

So, the guy sleeps in your dad's backyard?

So, I don't really, I don't live with him, but he's always there when I'm there.

And sometimes he disappears for a little bit.

My dad says every time he pays him, he disappears for three days.

Wow.

Amazing.

That's called a drug addict.

That is incredible.

Well, very interesting stuff.

Have you ever talked to this guy in your dad's backyard?

No, I gave him cake the other day.

He got really happy.

Wow.

Yeah.

Your dad's just like, God, I wish that was me.

Yeah.

Yeah, he couldn't have his.

Diabetic father.

Yeah, diabetes.

Does he still use honey?

Does he still use it?

Yeah, he can't get over it.

Like, every single night, even if he's good all day, he'll like binge a bunch of dates before he goes to bed.

Or like, he'll

I've walked on him, just spoon.

By the way, Red Band posted on Instagram at 4 a.m.

last night a moldy Wendy's burger that he ate.

He both complained about the burger and also ate, would you eat, half of it?

Was it moldy?

It was burnt.

The bread was burnt?

Yeah, no, the bread.

No, the whole burger was burnt.

That's what you were complaining about.

But you also said something about mold.

Last time I had a problem with Wendy's, it was moldy.

Yeah.

And you complain online every time you get late-night drunk fast food and it's not good.

Yeah.

You,

a wildly successful podcaster, goes online to complain about it.

Do they ever give you what you want after that?

Does that ever pay off?

Is Wendy's ever like, here's fucking 20 bucks or something, dude?

Oh, yeah.

Really?

Yeah.

And that's what you do it for?

It's fun, man.

It's like coupon clipping.

Oh, my God.

Do you ever clip coupons?

No, no.

But I use coupon codes online.

Where's my honey voice at?

Okay.

Aya, way to get this show started.

Amazing stuff.

I love it.

We're going to all watch her grow together.

A star is born here on Kiltoni.

The Kiltony first ever scheduled set by Aya, everybody.

Oh snap.

Heidi has arrived, everybody.

Make some noise for Heidi.

And we make the big switch to the bucket, everybody.

This is where shit gets wild.

Sometimes we're meeting somebody that we've never seen before.

Sometimes it's the return of somebody that's been on years ago.

Maybe months ago.

Maybe a couple weeks ago.

Anything can happen.

Your first bucket pull of the night, 60 seconds uninterrupted, goes to Matt Walker, everybody.

Matt Walker.

Oh shit, it's Matt Walker.

Oh my God.

Make some noise for Matt, everybody.

Hey, how's it going, everybody?

So I recently got kicked out of the Hair Club for Men because I recently shaved my head.

But it's okay because I've been asked to join some other clubs.

I think because of my algorithm, I've been asked to join pool leagues like the cue balls and stuff like that.

But I reached out to make a wish because it looks like I'm now suffering from cancer.

And I won't be able to make my next minute because I'll be going to Disney World with Joe Rogan.

But yeah, things have been changing for me.

I used to have a crazy just comb over.

So it's been just opening my eyes to

new things.

I was just on

last week, so my episode hasn't came out yet.

So I had a joke that was kind of relevant to that, but I was kind of going with it.

it was something that needed to be caught brought to my attention, you know, that I needed to shave my head.

Um, at first, I thought Tony might have been being a little mean and insensitive, but sometimes it takes to take a good hard look in the mirror that nobody close to you will tell you that, you know, maybe it's time for Puerto Rico to shave their fucking head.

That doesn't make any sense at all, but

it's adorable.

Matt Walker, thanks, guys.

Let me give a little context to this bucket pull.

The odds of this happening are absolutely insane.

Matt was on last week.

So,

and

so Matt came out with the world's most diabolically, you just have to take my word for it.

It was the worst

haircut you've ever seen in your entire life.

Barely anything was left.

And I mean, it was just fucking, it's like if I took this on a bald head and just made like 11 lines.

I swear to God, it was like combed down like to here to make it look like...

Yeah, like a Sharpie at one point, like an egg drag.

What's amazing, Matt, is you should have waited.

I know, bro.

The odds of this happening are beyond insane.

People think that this show, I've heard rumors that the show is fucking like produced and that the bucket pools are fake.

If it was, this wouldn't be happening right now.

Not to cut you off, I actually told Redband that last week because the guy with the beard and the cowboy hat, how he comes on, he's been on multiple times and stuff.

You told Redband what?

That it doesn't seem so random that maybe like um it's not all like bucket pools or whatever but i mean yeah it's just completely random well it clearly is if you would have waited i should have another couple weeks you would be a star all these people would know you and they'd be like oh shit i know bro i know you got a little excited here and you did all your i don't have hair jokes and they're like yeah so what yeah no i hear you no i hear you but you're timing up didn't i tell you i was just gonna put you up in a month yeah that too as well but you couldn't wait yeah well i was just here um But, bro, I mean, it was insane.

The chances of me being pulled out of the bucket.

I know I've heard people say this shit.

It's like, man, why are you saying that?

You know, maybe just don't sign up.

You know, don't sign up.

Yeah, exactly, bro.

That's what I'm saying.

I hear you.

No, I hear you.

You would have been a star.

Well, I'm not going to be able to do that.

That would have been a huge set.

Hopefully, it'll still kind of carry.

I mean, I couldn't just.

It'll resonate.

It'll resonate with the people at home.

Yeah, yeah.

That's for sure.

But these people are like, who gives a fuck about your bald head, dude?

I was aware of it.

So what?

What else?

Do another joke.

But you people are going to see.

Yeah.

You're to see.

This guy, the only time in the show's history in which we insisted on shaving somebody's head.

I would just say, to give me a little break, like I did come, not that it was great, it was great material, but I did, that was only in like five, four or five days that I was coming up with all these.

My head's just been spinning, bro, trying to come up with ideas.

Well, it's much easier to spin now with a...

Yeah, spin on top.

The old soft top you got up there.

But yeah,

I appreciate the opportunity you gave me me last week all right jelly roll relax

Jesus Christ fucking acceptance speech over here

look at your fucking the the carpet matches the drapes down there

so Matt have you thought about anything that we didn't talk about in her in your interview last week that might be interesting um no but yesterday I just got pulled over with an invalid license and they the cop would not give me a break bro he told my shit and I had to um wait you had an invalid license yeah because my um and it's really just because the DMV they don't have enough people to give you a new license he was a complete just jerk about it dude um my birthday was on the 16th of November so my license is you know need to be yeah expired not like suspended or on November 16th he didn't let you off no dude he was a jerk where was that Garden Ridge Texas it's right outside of Cibelo he was an he was an Asian cop short Asian cop dude like

it's relevant bro he was a short Asian cop he was a jerk even his supervisor came was like this guy's a jerk I was like, bro, he wants me to meet me in the middle.

Like, I cannot.

His supervisor came.

He made him give me a break and then he hated it, dude.

He like walked away, like, you know, because his supervisor was like, you need to give that a warning.

That's bullshit, you know?

Right.

My dad had to come pick me up.

Yeah, dude.

They told my shit.

I got it out in an hour.

He was like, he was trying to tie me up.

I was like, bro, I'm going to get it out today.

Like, you're not going to.

And I'm broke right now.

It was like my last three, $400, but, you know, it's just another bump in the road, dude.

I've been watching videos and shit lately about how some of these things are going to make you stronger more resilient you know what i'm saying so

it's all jelly roll bro

it is i think jelly roll was one of them one of those videos it is pretty jelly roll not to be confused with egg roll that wanted to arrest you yesterday

um

so

Your car got towed and you had to get it out on the car.

Yeah, I got it out.

I called because it's Sunday, bro.

He was trying to, dude, he was trying to get me tied up.

What does that mean, tied up?

Is this trying to hinder me?

I guess he was just trying to make my life hard, bro.

You know?

This is like a small Texas town.

Yes, sir.

Yeah.

And I actually do work for a lady that lives in Garden Ridge.

She's probably like the...

Not that it, I mean, she's got a Ferrari in her garage and all the shit.

It's the rich-ass lady, but.

What do you do for this lady?

It does kind of have a little vibe to it.

You know, she's an older lady, but...

What do you do with this lady?

Dude, she has me do every, like, she's like a Martha Stewart type, bro.

She has me do bring down all her Christmas decorations out of the garage.

Like from her.

Have you been building a fence for some guy?

I think we're figuring this out slowly.

Building fences for diabetic brown people out there.

All right, Matt Walker.

Well, we met you last week.

You already have a joke book.

You have a new outlook on life.

I was going to give you a spot in a few weeks, but you just fucking did it.

Um, nah, come on.

We can still do that one, right?

Okay, well, stop signing up.

You're a lucky fuck, so stop signing up, all right?

The universe wants it, bro.

Jelly, you know, jelly roll.

Okay, get out of here.

There goes Matt Walker.

Jesus Christ.

Wait till you guys know what happened.

Yeah,

you're not going to believe it.

It's literally...

It's proof that the show's not set up, I do believe.

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All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Danny V.

Danny V is next on Kill Tony.

Here we go.

Thank you, thank you.

So I am aware that I look like one of Joe Rogan's sperm.

I look like an Oompa Loompa that joined the Nazis.

So

there was

this.

The reason I think

the reason why police officers don't have turtles as pets is you can't kneel on their necks.

I saw this

homeless guy with a sign that said hot, hungry, and homeless.

It's like, that's pretty self-absorbed.

If you think you're that sexy, just have some sex and get out of poverty.

I mean if Kamala Harris did it, why can't you?

I think the

only reason why white guys date black women is to ensure that their kids don't have bigger, or that do have bigger dicks than them.

Sorry, I fucked that up.

Now it's my time.

All right, Danny B.

This is your first time on the show, Danny?

On the show, yes.

Welcome.

How long have you been been doing stand-up?

About a year.

About a year.

Where at?

Vegas.

Okay.

Welcome, welcome.

One year and Las Vegas.

What do you do for a living, Danny?

Sorry, what was that?

What do you do for a living?

For a living?

I just moved to Austin, so right now I've been doing DoorDash.

You've been doing

DoorDash.

Okay.

Do you eat the food?

No.

I'm a good DoorDasher.

Good DoorDasher.

Do they give you guys ratings?

Yes, they do.

Okay.

Yeah.

Do you ever deliver late-night Wendy's?

Me and Redben have a straight-up line.

He just texts me whenever he needs it.

Wow, you even knew what I was talking about.

That's incredible.

I love it.

So, Danny, you've been doing it a year.

What made you come here today?

I mean, the show and the comedy opportunities that are out here in Austin.

Yeah.

You're visiting for a few days?

no i live out here now oh nice so you were in vegas when did you move to austin about four weeks ago four weeks ago what's your living situation like i live in my car you live in your car yeah okay where have you been parking it at night time that's something i always like to ask people that live in their car it's a tricky situation out here uh i park it in like a gym parking lot Okay, you have a gym membership.

Yes.

All right.

That's how I shower.

He seems very pro-police with the George Floyd joke.

Yeah, there's no...

I don't know, I don't know.

Do cops not have turtles?

Is that a thing?

I mean, I've never seen one with one, so I mean, it would just, the connection makes sense to me.

Have you ever seen an Asian cop before?

I mean, you never see them with cats now, do they?

What do you do for fun, Danny V?

So just like a lot of outdoor stuff, like hikes, walk around, do shit like that, listen to comedy, try to do that.

Okay.

All right.

And what kind of car is it that you live in?

It's a 2015 Hyundai accent.

2015 Hyundai Accent.

I love it.

Okay.

So were you born and raised in Vegas?

Born and raised in Vegas.

How does that happen?

What are your parents like?

I've always wondered that.

How does that happen?

So my mom is a recovering addict, addict alcoholic.

And my dad, my real dad, dad is in prison.

He's been in prison since I was three years old.

I like that one.

We have a little Vegas soundboard.

Jackpot.

I love it.

So your real dad has been in prison?

Yeah, since I was three.

For what?

He murdered a guy.

Oh, there you go.

Wow.

Do you know the context of the murder?

Can you describe what happened?

So

both my parents were using pretty heavily like meth and like kind of crazy shit like that.

And then

one day he came home and broke my mom's nose.

So

she she took me

took me to one of her friends' house, and she had

two guys sleeping over because she was kind of scared.

And my real dad was

understanding.

Oh, that's a great idea.

Nothing makes a guy that'll punch you in the nose happier than two fucking dudes at the house.

Right?

Well, I mean, that's.

Do you know why he punched her in the nose in the first place?

Just out of curiosity.

I never really asked my mom.

She's just only good at cooking meth and not food.

She fucked up the meth while she was cooking.

Sounds like a wild house.

Maybe it is better you live in your car.

So,

okay.

Punches her in the nose.

You don't know why.

Go to a house with two dudes and then...

And then, so he was drinking and drugging that whole night, and then he kind of like stalked her and saw that there were two dudes there.

He thought she was fucking them.

Yeah.

And he broke in, killed one guy, and then stabbed another guy in the shoulder.

And

paralyzed his arm.

Paralyzed.

His arm's still paralyzed.

Wow.

Have you ever met that guy?

I have not.

If you do, make sure to shake the right hand.

I'll just play with the other one.

Like, yeah, yeah, fuck.

What did he do to the other guy?

Stabbed him in the heart?

did the one guy get off with just a shoulder uh so i like after like the one guy like he was just dead and i think he like stabbed him in the heart a couple times that'll do it and uh stops the heart from beating and dumping blood easier to clean up the mess i got you

it was pretty messy it was a pretty messy experience but uh sounds good yeah so like after he stabbed the like the second guy like the house woke up and he like he dipped and he just went to a bar after and just like drank until the cops came.

Wow.

Yeah.

I love that people were mad they got woken up.

Yeah, just when things couldn't get any worse, I'm just trying to get some goddamn sleep around here.

Did you stop the kitchen stabbings?

Is that where it was?

Was it in the kitchen?

I feel like it was.

No, he stabbed them in different bedrooms.

Oh.

Were any of them sleeping with your mom?

No.

Wow.

That is fucked up.

Red man with a wise observation over here.

That's fucked up.

Yes, that that is fucked up.

Unbelievable.

So he was in prison when you were three.

Do you go visit him sometimes?

I visited him once when I was like 12, and I really like just.

Do they have anything fun in a Vegas prison?

I mean, even at their airport.

They have vending machines where you could buy like whole mini pizzas, like the Red Bear.

Did you have a pizza there?

I did have a pizza there.

Fuck yeah.

I did.

Amazing.

And it was good?

It was decent.

You know, it was like the red bear once.

Did your dad ever ask you for money or anything?

No, he, I haven't talked to him in like 10 years.

And he has a life sentence, right?

No, he actually has, I want to say like 20 more years.

Oh, wow.

Yeah.

Okay.

Not bad.

He'll find you.

Yeah.

That's actually, that's a big worry that my mom has, is that he's going to come out and finish the job.

No.

Does he know that they weren't fucking them?

Like, does he go, shit, I fucked up?

Like, has he tried to?

I I mean, he, like, the one time I did talk to him, he, like, tried to stab you.

The one time you talked to him?

Uh, he, uh, like, he expressed that, like, he was sorry, and, like, he wished he could take stuff back, and he was just, like, not in the right state of mind.

I mean, it was all messed up and stuff.

Right.

Yeah.

Exactly.

And you haven't talked to him since you were 12?

I talked to him.

probably like like a decade ago so probably like when i was 20 that was about it yeah it's a shame he can't make a phone call to prison whenever you want.

That would be great.

I could tell him to call back next time.

Yeah, we'll figure it out.

So Danny, is DoorDash the end-all-be-all for you?

Hell no, dude.

What type of job are you looking for?

What do you want to get on?

So, like, ultimately, I do want to be a comedian, but the backup plan is to be like a plumber or electrician.

Do you have talents in those fields?

I mean, I'm mechanically inclined.

I was in the Army National Guard.

I didn't deploy or anything, so I don't deserve any credit.

yeah, thank you.

What did you do there?

Oh, wow.

There you go.

A little stubby middle finger for you.

Okay.

Well, if anyone needs an electrician or a plumber in Austin.

I mean, I'm open to any job.

I'm pretty versatile.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Okay.

Well, there you go.

How can people find you?

I mean, you want to plug my Instagram or whatever?

Sure.

Is that good for for you?

Yeah.

Okay, go ahead.

Comedian Danny B.

There you go.

Comedian Danny B.

He's only a year in,

living out of his car.

Seems like a nice guy.

Seems like he's got his life together.

A lot of common sense.

Good answers.

There he goes.

Danny B.

And Danny.

Danny.

Danny, even though the performance was just okay, you got a lot, a lot of work to do.

So here's a big joke book for you.

Danny B, everybody.

all right your next bucket pull goes by the name of mason davis everybody we're moving along make some noise for mason here we go

mason davis everybody

here he is one more time for mason

used to live with a couple guys who are super into like star wars and marvels marvel don't get me wrong those are great movies But do you guys know how hard it is to get laid when your front door mat says, all Jedi is welcome?

Like, I thought we were friends, man.

Whose side are you on?

I don't know.

It was a nice brand new apartment.

I wanted to show it off.

But it was just decorated like it was the set of the 40-year-old virgin.

It was really unfortunate.

Did you guys know that pussy dehumidifiers are a real thing?

Turns out it was actually just my apartment.

I don't know.

I recently found out that my neighbor is a black, beautiful queen.

And I'm not the smoothest with the ladies, but I I finally worked up the courage to go and introduce myself.

I went up, talked to her, said my name, she said her name back.

And then a bee started flying around her head, and she screamed and took off running.

Now, if you're just walking your dog across the street, enjoying your morning,

you can't see a fucking bee.

You just see a white man and a black lady having a conversation, and she takes off running.

I don't know.

We did finally hook up recently, though, but

I let her peg me, but it was only like reparations

all right Mason Davis there it is okay

let's talk about it is any of that true is it a black really you have a black beautiful queen neighbor I do that part is true I didn't let her peg me though right we didn't hook up I should say right okay

okay how long you been doing stand-up About a year and a half, year and five months.

All of it here in Austin?

No, I just moved here September.

From where?

Oregon.

Okay.

Portland or out in the middle of nowhere?

Out in the middle of nowhere.

I was living about an hour and a half south of Portland, so I was driving up there like once a week.

Yeah, that's the true middle of nowhere.

This has been a very meth-heavy episode so far.

Everyone has had some almost direct correlation to meth in some way, either with their parents or fixing fences or something.

You were close to a lot of meth there in the middle of Portland, am I correct?

I didn't live there, but yes, driving through, you'd see a bunch on the road.

Okay.

On the road.

People dropping meth on the road.

You would see a lot of methy type of characters.

Oh, yeah.

What do you do for work, Mason?

Right now I work at Boot Barn.

Okay.

How did you get into Boot Barn?

I went there with my dad when I first moved here.

He was looking for a pair of boots and was like, this would be a

pretty good job.

And so.

And they're like,

You have no experience with boots, but you're white.

Perfect for the job.

There you go.

All all right guys what do we think about mason davis oh um

i

so the black queen was because of the bee

yeah good good question you're kind of just wondering the joke and then i'm not insulting you you're uh just wondering what the fuck

yeah no i agree with dave on this i noticed that he laughed and i laughed both at your setup

a combined 38 years of stand-up experience between me and dave and you both had us giggling at the setup, and then it kind of went nowhere.

Because you do look like somebody who would marry a black woman, and people are like, why the fuck are they together?

Like, have you ever seen those people?

Yeah.

And then you have one of those weird white, blondie, freckleaf fucking creeps.

Creeps.

I mean, that the no one wants.

Did you try with her?

Did you try, Mason?

Did I try hooking up with her?

Yeah.

I mean, yeah, I'm just, like I said, I'm not that good with talking to girls, so just introducing myself was a big step.

Can you look straight out there and say exactly what you said to her?

Yo, what up, bitch?

For a second, I thought that was it.

Okay, look out there and give us an example of what you said to this beautiful black queen.

My name is Mason.

I just moved here.

What's your name?

Ah, hell no.

What the fuck?

Creepy ass motherfucker.

Looking like all the characters of friends mashed together.

My rent's gonna go up.

Have you ever been with a black woman before?

I have not.

No.

Have you been with a white woman before?

I have.

have.

When's the last time you were with a white woman?

Ooh.

Oh.

Like three or four years ago.

Wow.

Why do you think that is amazing?

Yeah.

That hurt.

Yeah.

I think you got to get rid of that Jedi fucking doormat.

That's why I moved.

That's why I moved.

Yeah.

That is amazing.

So now

you live here?

Yes.

And do you have roommates still?

Nope.

You live by yourself?

Yep.

Huh?

No, I got an apartment.

How are you able to afford that?

Boot barn, and I saved a good.

I used to be a welder, and so I saved up a couple of bucks before I moved.

How much did you save exactly?

I'm always so interested when people tell me they save money.

This is an unorthodox show.

It's not normally a common thing to ask somebody how much money they saved, but this is that type of show.

Just out of my own curiosity, can I guess?

Yeah.

I'm going to say you saved $8,500.

I wish.

It was about $5,000.

Damn.

Man.

I appreciate the guess, though.

Working in a Texas boot barn, like, what's your most common question from somebody?

Like, which one is it?

Usually it's in Spanish.

I'm just kicking them over the border.

Oh, it's for fence climbing.

No, it's usually just like a bunch of, because it depends on the people that come in, because some people have worn boots before, so they're just looking for a certain thing.

And some people are like i have never worn boots before

whores

what do you think i was being nice what do you think made you uh want to be a stand-up comedian mason

i just i used to like i made all my friends laugh and i really enjoyed that and then i just realized you have any childhood trauma

no

parents are happy all together yeah no murders or anything no

nothing at all you just made your friends in oregon laugh yeah and I was getting good, and I was getting better at stand-up when I was doing it, but I wasn't doing it that much.

You're doing a lot of spots here in Austin?

Trying.

What do you mean by trying?

What is that?

I'm hitting a lot of open mics.

I haven't read it.

Right.

Is that working for you?

Yeah.

Getting better at writing more.

I love it.

What else do you do for fun, Mason?

I'm just trying to figure out the city because I moved here pretty recently.

This is like the first time living in a big city, and it's a little overwhelming at first, but I've been falling in love with it.

I've been trying to figure out where the cool little spots are.

Fentanyl dealers.

Yeah.

What part was overwhelming?

Can you give me an example of the overwhelming part?

Like in Albany, where I'm from, there's not a street that shuts down for bars.

There's maybe one bar, one or two bars.

And so when I came down to that the first night, I was like, this is

degeneracy.

And it was.

It was awesome.

I loved it.

Yeah, it is lovely.

I love it too.

Well, Mason,

very good.

Fun times.

Anything else we should know about you before I get you out of here?

I crashed a motorcycle, my buddy's motorcycle.

How did that happen?

I was driving

at night and I didn't know that the turn or the road turned and I just went straight

into a field and

but we're doing good now so.

Did you get hurt?

I split my knee open, like kneecap like volcanoed out and you could like see my kneecap.

Oh, wow.

But didn't break anything, so call it lucky.

Did was the motorcycle totaled?

Yeah, and it wasn't even mine.

That was the worst part.

So, how did you pay your friend back?

I just paid for it.

You just paid for it straight up.

How much was that?

I think it was like $1,600, $1,700.

Okay.

What kind of motorcycle?

It was a Jixxer.

Jixer $600.

Sounds racist.

Yeah.

All right, Mason.

Well,

it has begun for you.

Welcome to Austin, Texas.

There's a little joke book, Mason Davis.

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Let's get one more bucket pull up here.

This young man's been on this show a few times.

One week ago, one week ago, he said to me

at Mitzi's, the bar connected to the mothership, he said to me,

I'm ready.

I'm ready for another minute.

I go, why are you telling me this?

He goes, I just want to let you know, I'm ready.

I go, don't tell me.

Just keep signing up and show me.

The bucket of destiny has spoken.

has been pulled out of a bucket out of 250 people.

Let's see how it goes.

This is a new minute from Michael Ridley.

I've been going to the gym recently.

It's like a new thing for me, like the last two weeks.

I've had ADHD, so it's like hard to stick to a routine.

And I've only been going for two weeks and I'm realizing I'm already encountering like an ego problem.

Like I'm finding myself shirtless in the mirror listening to Beethoven after a workout.

And I can hear an ego demon gassing me up from the back and he's saying things like,

Look at what you have become.

Look

at what you have become.

They used to make fun of you.

You used to wear your t-shirt in the pool

with your little Asian nipples poking through.

But soon, my child, soon, the moon will encapsulate the sun, and the king will take his rightful place upon the throne.

Really?

Yes, my child, yes!

There is a god locked away inside of you,

and we

will set him free.

See, I've just been trying to get healthier and shit.

There you go.

Full minute, 16 seconds from Michael Ridley.

Hey, what's up, Tony?

How are you, dude?

What are you running this thing?

I love it.

How are you, buddy?

I'm doing good, man.

I'm freaking out.

What's up, brother?

Hey, what's up, bro?

It's good to see you, dude.

Good to see you, too.

Okay, Michael.

I'm happy.

Yeah, I can tell you're very happy.

Yeah, I'm super happy, dude.

All right, relax, Michael.

Let's jump right into it.

How do you feel like that went when you were randomly coming up to me telling me that you're so ready?

Is that how you thought it would go?

Huh?

No, not at all.

I thought it was going to be way better than that.

I've been closing on that one for a while, and it gets big pops.

It's always like the

really, you know what I mean?

I also like have a lot of nerves.

I just, uh, your boy, I don't know what the fuck happened, Tony, but I was a little thick and I just finally feel good enough to come out of the house.

And I'm happy.

Thick.

Sick as hell.

Like, I don't know, bro.

I was like,

yeah, I've been letting people hit my vape, tony and uh

don't do that around here everybody's fucking eating booty hole and

spreading disease and all right michael michael michael stick over here you're fucking water next to me i'm sorry dave

how long have you been sick for you're sweating like an aids patient yeah

i've i have hyperhydrosis how dare you dude okay michael uh so how long have you been sick for what have your symptoms been uh probably covet i don't know probably some new shit definitely

that's not what I asked you at all.

How long have you been sick for?

I've been sick for like two or three days.

I've just been in the crib for three days.

And then you decided to come out tonight in public around a bunch of people who can't get sick.

No, no, no.

I'm fine.

I'm good.

You don't look fine.

I always look kind of sick.

Like, ever since COVID, you can't be a sweaty Asian guy in public.

You just always look like...

That is true.

I've always been sweaty.

I've I've always been a sweaty guy, but so you feel great today.

I feel so good today, but I'm being serious.

No symptoms of no, no, no, I'm good.

I'm good.

Okay.

I've just been in the house.

I'm happy to be out of the house.

You ever been locked up in the crib sick and now you're like, I want to be social.

You say a lot of stuff in between questions.

Sorry, sir.

Do you really have little Asian nipples?

You said that during your study.

Is that true?

Nah, they're big and brown, dude.

Are they?

Yeah, I got some brown areolas.

I got some fat boy boy nipples dude really

huh dinner plates no more of like uh probably like a half dollar oh not bad yeah not super big but not super small either how was it how's the hair on those things

fucking

how is the hair on those things the world wants to know

i have to fucking dude i shave them I have to shave them.

They're so sporadic.

I have like Asian fibers

that come off of them.

They like, they'll thread through my shirt sometimes.

How many of you want to see these hairy Asian nipples?

We've been talking about them.

It's that time.

He's been going to the gym.

Let's see what happens here, ladies and gentlemen.

Whoa.

Look at that.

That demon is full of shit.

Soon the king will take the throne.

What the fuck is this demon seeing?

Yeah, the whole joke is that I'm still kind of fucking fat as fuck.

Hell yeah, you look like a fucking bag of rice

wasn't uh i wasn't really expecting much from a guy that uh goes to the gym with bobby lee

they always do yeah everybody does that

so michael really

what else is going on in life have you really been going to the gym i was for a little bit uh

but then uh dude i fucking i was sober for like two years i started drinking again dude oh is that what happened last week when you came up to me and said you're ready that you're gonna do so good i fucking relapse.

You know.

Now it's all making sense.

I got to witness a real life relapse.

I wouldn't really call it a relapse, more of a return.

It's the same thing.

Dude, if you can't drink, dude, what the fuck are you doing, dude?

If you can't drink and keep it together, what's wrong with you?

What are you gay?

I don't know.

Can you keep it together?

I think I've been doing pretty good.

Do you think every comedian after a Monday night taping comes up to me and goes, just to let you know,

I'm fucking ready.

You think that's what I do all night after the tapings is just field comedians going, I'm ready.

Your boy was like four or five crowns deep, like, yeah, chowdy.

Yeah, so was I, and I was bored as fuck at the conversation.

Last thing I want to do while trying to fucking drink my sorrows away is have fucking

sweaty little fucking Asian men.

Ready when you are.

I am ready.

That's me, Sketch.

I'm doing that.

I'm doing that, Sketch.

Sketch is looking around.

Sketch has puppy-like behavior sometimes, just like

just wants to see those Asian nips again.

Yeah, dude.

Run it back.

They are big with glasses.

When you have glasses that thick, those are big Asian nips.

They're medium to us, meaty.

Just my type, though.

That's right.

Absolutely.

I thought you quit all that.

No,

I'd make a return too.

Hey,

return of the dragon.

Michael Ridley, congratulations.

You got pulled out of the bucket again.

There he goes, Michael Ridley, everybody.

Getting to watch a man relapse in real time.

That'll be a story to follow.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time.

One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, an international superstar.

I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson.

I'm glad y'all like that little gag because I am not ready.

I'll tell you that much.

This minute, it's funny, because I've been trying to figure this minute out, and I don't know how to tell it for real.

All I know is I used to be a bully, right?

I used to hurt people a little bit when I was in elementary school and middle school and shit like that.

Now I would get suspended all the time.

And one day they wanted to call my parents, but they didn't understand that I was getting, I was doing all this bullying because my parents aren't the best parents in the world.

You know what I'm saying?

And she wanted to call my dad real bad.

And I was sitting in the office and she was looking at me, scolding me, and stuff.

And she called my dad, she put him on the speakerphone.

And my dad was talking to her.

She was like, Your son's a bad person, he's uh, he's gonna get expelled because he's bullying other students.

He had somebody with a baseball bat, you need to talk to him.

And then my dad just went, Hey, Cam, stand up.

And I was uh 5'1 at the time.

And then he just went,'Who the fuck is he bullying, bitch midgets?

and hung up the phone.'

That's my time.

Cam Patterson.

Cam's dad.

I say it all the time.

Such a character.

Such a vat of hilarity to draw from with that.

That really happened, bro.

I believe.

I swear to God.

I know your dad.

I know that happened.

Very, very funny, man.

Hell yeah.

I'm glad that worked.

That shit been bombing all day, nigga.

I've been running around.

I'll supposed to be here early.

I'll run around with a whole bunch of soldiers.

That shit was eating dicks all day.

Well, going up after...

Oh, look, there he is.

His dad, everybody.

Who put that hat on him, man?

Why they put that fucking hat on him?

Because you can't see it.

That's a gay ass hat, man.

Let it.

Let it.

Who put that hat on D-Madness, man?

The fuck going on right now?

Bro, he knows that.

The show going to fucking shambles right now.

And I put a gay ass hat in front of the D-Madness.

It's a bullshit.

Don't got a pink hat on.

You know that?

You got a pink hat on, D.

You know what pink is?

It's bedazzled.

It's bedazzled and shit.

He don't know.

Oh, oh, shit.

He, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

The nigga don't know colors.

Oh, fuck.

I ain't know that.

Oh, I forgot he was blind.

Oh, man.

I forgot he was blind.

Okay, what's up?

Steel though.

Are you going to give him his damn bass guitar, Josh?

What the fuck?

Josh, you have two jobs.

What the fuck is going on right now, man?

Jesus fucking Christ, man.

God damn.

This poor guy, he just sits D up here to get roasted to death.

You have any idea how stupid your your head is?

Dee's just sitting there like, well, what the fuck's going on?

You at least give him his.

There it is.

Oh my god.

D Madness is normally an absolute master of style.

D, can we get him a mic?

Is that mic part of the thing?

Let's use this one here, D's, so that it makes it to the show.

This mic not on the show.

Is that on the air?

Is D's mic on the show?

Yeah, use that one.

D Madness is...

Try to edit those out.

Yeah, Matt.

Matt, shut the hell up.

Yeah.

I'm kidding.

We're all fucking friends here.

D-Madness,

we don't often get to talk to you

deep and personal.

I like a moment like this where it's a little bit off the beaten path.

Now, normally, for those of you that might not know, or maybe it's your first episode, D-Madness is a master of style.

I don't know how you pull it off.

I don't know what kind of advisors you have or what exactly goes on.

Why are you handing him a different mic?

What's going on?

Why are you fucking with this poor guy?

So, Dee, can you take us through what it is like getting ready for, like, I mean, how do you know what that hat looks like?

I don't.

Oh, Deez, come on.

Don't give him the auto-tune mic from the musical performance.

Give him a real mic, Deez.

Come on.

All right.

Very good very good

goddamn man

show cover the shambles and shit

well i do i do like the texture of the hat i don't know what it looks like but i do like the hat hey gee

that's all i know it's texture

Yes.

It is a good hat.

It actually is cool.

It is a little bit pinker than you would wear if you knew what it looked like.

One of the most famous homophobes in the show's history.

It looks like Tiffany Haddish's underwear.

Thank you, Red Man.

That was terrible.

It looks like...

Weird ass reference.

If you threw a fanny pack on, you'd look like every older black woman going to Vegas.

Well, ain't that wonderful.

It's so.

I'm going to keep all this in mind next time I talk.

What'd you say, Deet?

I'm going to keep all this in mind next time.

Oh, shit.

oh he's gonna he's gonna get you back cam next time you next time you smell funny you're getting roasted

yes brother brother darkness

brother darkness he just called you well i call i call him i call him darkness he called me blacker so

you know it's just from time to time you know

what's up darkness what's up blacker what's up yeah you know They all mean the same to me.

D-Madness, do you have any final words you'd like to say to Cam Patterson who decided to shift all of this part to you and that roastable hat?

No,

hold on.

Actually, Cam, want you to do me a favor.

I want you to look at my t-shirt.

Well, most people, how you know what it's saying?

I know what it's saying.

I know what it's saying, nigga.

Nigga, I know what it's saying.

I've been beefing with the blind my whole life, nigga.

It's kind of crazy.

It's a blind.

When I first started doing stately, it was a blind lady.

She was in a wheelchair.

And they would always bring on stage and shit.

And I was hosting the show one time.

All right, well, all right, nigga, hold up.

Wait a minute.

I'm telling my story.

Now.

I swear to God, another goddamn scrum go by.

I'll shoot at it.

Okay, calm down.

Because the words are fucking me up.

I read it and said, you big Debbie.

But it was a blind lady.

It was a blind lady who came to the show.

She was in the woods.

What an hunt.

You know, you the closest to me, right?

But she would, she would, uh, she, it's going to bomb now because it took too long.

But

she would always be like, I love him.

I love him because he's so black and he's so short.

And I was like, how you know I'm short?

And she was like, you real close to my ear.

Because she was in a wheelchair.

You know what I'm saying?

And I hate that bitch.

I hate her.

Hope that bitch never see again, goddamn.

We're going to go to the second most blind person in the room here, Sketch.

I can see pretty far.

Pretty far.

There you go.

Tell him, Sketch.

You see real good.

Hey, fuck him.

Yeah, you what?

Whoa, whoa.

So we're on the same level.

It's like riling up a retarded kid.

Yeah, fuck, nigga.

Yeah.

Hey.

Ah!

Me and Kim hung out last night, and he spent the night at my house.

No, I didn't.

Yes, he did.

No, whoa, hey.

He did.

Hey, no, the fuck.

Hey, hey.

Oh, shit.

Hey, what's up?

Hey, hey, I did not stay tonight.

I was there for a long time.

And we drank a little bit, but I did not stay tonight.

And then he sent his homeboy to come grab his jacket this morning.

What?

Hey!

Oh, man i knew it's gonna be true i knew it was gonna look bad okay wait i'm sorry you all right you good don't shoot nobody all right listen

understand something wait understand so this a this is a i'm glad you're brought this a good story this is a funny story so sketch we did the stream last night and sketch gave me a lot of like gifts and so i wanted to give him something back in return right so i gave him my jacket off my back right what do you mean when you say it like that

so i gave my jacket off my back right and it was my favorite jacket So I got back in the car with my homeboy, my girlfriend, right?

I got back in the car,

had to clarify that.

Got back with my homeboy and my girlfriend.

So I got in the car and I was drunk.

And I was like, man, it was such a good time, man.

But I gave my favorite jacket.

And I just kept saying that over and over again.

And my homeboy is a good friend, also a crazy person.

So he went this morning and just got my jacket back.

And I woke up and it was just in my living room.

That's the whole story.

Sometimes it all gotta have a punch.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, man.

Cam, don't wipe your nose with the towel that you wiped the COVID mic with.

No, I didn't.

I didn't.

You're gonna get us both sick.

Come on now.

Hey!

Sketch!

Oh, shit.

Sketch is crushing live.

Oh, my god, Cam, you're so gay.

We're gonna give you D-Madness's hat as a gift.

Fuck it.

Did we do it?

Did it with you?

Did what the fuck you want from me?

I want to note that he's just sitting there shaking his head, very disgusted at me right now.

Look at this beautiful black queen we have here.

Oh, we're having fun here tonight.

How loud can this place get for the always impactful Cam

Patterson?

One more time for Cam, everybody.

The man, the myth.

And the show goes on.

Back to the bucket.

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This guy's been getting on this show for years.

This is, we've seen him a lot.

Very lucky, lucky man, and he's back again.

Make some noise for a new minute from Tim Warner.

Always fun styles of Tim Warner.

So, Trump was elected president.

But yet, Biden is still in the White House.

Like, I think this is really awkward.

Like, you ever been in a relationship that ends before the lease does?

One of his on the couch, the other's in the bedroom.

Every time you come out, they're just like, all right, listen.

No, come on, man.

The guy you're with, he's garbage.

Hear me out.

Just hear me out.

A lot of women now apparently are

going celibate to protest Trump's election,

which I just think is crazy, you know?

Just when you thought they couldn't get any worse at driving.

Recently saw a sticker for a Zen competition.

How the hell does this work?

I'm at peace.

I'm at more peace than you.

All right, that's all I got.

Okay, Tim Warner.

All right.

Okay.

Hi, Tim.

Hey, man.

How's it been going?

All right.

How are you?

Good, good, good.

Remind us all.

How long have you been on stand-up again?

14 years now.

14 years.

Okay.

Why?

I was going to say, normally it goes better than that.

That was something.

What do you think went wrong there, Tim?

14-year veteran?

Oh, Jesus.

A lot of things, dude.

But you know.

Yeah.

Oh, being sober hasn't helped.

Dealing with a lot of shame without like getting fucked up and escaping reality and just, you know, accepting things.

That's been, that's been a bitch.

How long have you been sober now?

We are on two years and one month.

We remember that.

We remember when you went sober.

A lot of those initial sober performances

were good, rock solid.

What do you think's going on with you?

You've been going to meetings and stuff?

What's happened?

Yeah.

Been doing everything.

Yeah, I don't know.

Just had

a difficult four months.

Like I said, just dealing with shame, dude.

Like, part of

with the clarity, it's like all these new memories of just not being great.

not being a good human.

And I don't know.

It's like

in a movie at the end of of it when you had the big reveal, and it's just like, oh, I thought I was a decent person.

It's just like, no, you're kind of a piece of shit your whole life, and taking it all on at once, like all of the moments, it's just pretty heavy, you know.

And it's very tough for me to forgive myself, you know, for the past.

It's just tough, you know,

hilarious.

How do you forgive your barber?

Got him.

Why would a woman being celibate make her a worse driver?

Did I miss something there?

Did I miss

part of the setup?

I just think they're really, like, at least here, I think a lot of them are aggressive.

So I figure not fucking would make them even more aggressive.

And that would just be double

aggressiveness.

There's a woman shaking her head yes out there.

Yeah, I assume.

As if though to say that if she wasn't sexually active, she would be a worse driver.

I find it to be an interesting take.

I was kind of waiting for something there.

Zed?

Is that what you said?

Zen.

Zed.

Zen.

I heard Zed.

That makes more sense.

I think.

Yes, Dead.

Yes.

I think a lot of people, I don't know, they didn't really get anything.

I liked the premise of the...

Biden still being in the White House, while Trump's definitely the inevitable president, but that kind of went, that was kind of like a you have to like have roommates

to get that perhaps and this seems like no one in this audience has had a roommate in their entire lives by the reaction that we got

anything else you've been working on maybe maybe another new thing or something maybe something else a new quick little joke you're a you're you're funnier than that minute Every time you've been on the show, it's been funnier than that.

Yeah.

You've been gone for a while, right?

Like four or five months.

I haven't seen you on social media doing positive shit

all over my Instagram.

Is that normally what he does?

Yeah, he usually puts like those like live, laugh, love type shit.

He's like, I'm sober now.

He's like doing all these messages.

And I actually thought about you recently and I was like, what the fuck have you been up to?

Is there something else that has happened recently?

Are you not sober?

Are you trying to get away?

No, I guess I'm just, I don't know.

Have you been living, laughing, and loving?

Actually,

yes, but yeah, there's just been a struggle.

I've been by myself, basically.

All right, the shame thing.

I've never thought I'm good enough.

I don't think I'm good enough, right?

So I did the same thing.

But you love the comic.

Thank you.

Yeah.

So I did the stupid

competition in Austin thing.

Fucking worse than this, completely bombed, didn't make it to the next round, whatever else.

What do you think went wrong there?

And then let's go back to your next round.

First of all, no one should have moved on.

That was such they began the show.

The first person on the show brought like everybody, right?

So the first person up brought everybody, went over their time.

They're completely eliminated.

There's 13 people after that no one cared about.

And I was last, and I didn't give a shit.

I came up with a shit.

For those of you that don't know, which I'd imagine is 99.7%

of our listeners, at least, there is a famous old competition here in Austin called Austin's Funniest Comic, which was a thing, which was a thing that mattered before this invasion of real

comedians coming from LA and New York,

more experienced people from a more

tougher club.

and which has better performers so you have to be better to be able to be on the lineup and stand out.

So this Austin's funniest funniest comic thing is still a thing that people try to win and try to get on, but it is based on, it is voted on by the audience.

So, people invite an audience to come.

So, the more people you know, the better your odds are of winning.

And, Tim,

by the sounds of your lonely, lonely diatribe, I'm guessing you got about nobody to go there, right?

Oh, I did it.

I didn't advertise it like that.

I don't want to stack the audience.

I like to win based on like me being funny.

Trust me.

I get it.

I did that once when I first started.

There was a competition at the Ice House.

I got second place.

I won a side of fries.

I wore a shirt and tie for that.

I thought I would be a shirt and tie comedian back in my first few weeks, literally, of doing stand-up, May 2007.

Someone just poured a drink on their own head.

in memory of my side of fries.

Anyway, this shit's gone off.

It's fucking...

Can we get Cam back up here to talk shit to D-Madness?

No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

Tim, so your competition goes awry, and then what happens?

We went way off base here.

No, it's just,

I don't know.

I started questioning a lot of things, hung out by myself.

I don't know.

Just

searching, you know, and

now I've come out of it.

And I don't know, I shot fucking two for 14 tonight.

You know, that's what it is.

Did a woman drive you to this competition?

Thanks, buddy.

Was that?

Okay.

So,

what was your drug of choice?

I've been 15 years sober, so I'm just curious.

I don't know, whatever I was given, really.

Yeah.

You ever have amazing?

What I can get.

I mean, I just drank, which just led, like all the time, which just led to.

Adventures and sober.

You know, hookers and fight clubs and Coke.

And I turned down heroin.

That's true.

fun.

Thank you.

But yeah, it's mostly, you know, I was in New York a lot.

So

a lot of people just go and see the, like,

you know, sites.

Well, I saw the sites that aren't on a map.

Let's put it that way.

You know?

Tim, I've tried with this interview to dig us out of this deep hole that I take full responsibility for putting us in.

I don't think it's you.

I think it's me.

But you know what I think I think you need something to look forward to in life.

I think you need something to fire you up and tell you that things are going to be okay.

So, how would you like to open up?

Would you like to do better at the secret show Thursday?

To get a real spot on Thursday.

Look at that smile.

That's a real smile there.

Does that sound like fun, Tim?

Yes.

Michael, relax.

Jesus Christ.

Yes.

What the fuck?

Are you just going to beat the fucking drum forever?

Just losing your dreams.

Just short circuit.

We believe in you.

We know something's not right.

We believe in you, Tim.

So

I would love to see you do better Thursday.

Okay.

There you go, Tim Warner, everybody.

That's the first time where I was going to be like, you want to open up the secret show?

I don't know why.

Alright, we're having fun.

How about a hand for Heidi, everybody?

Like a piece of ginger.

In between rotten sushi bites, she cleanses us with her spirit.

Live, laugh, love.

Isn't she live, laugh, lovely?

Alright, we got another bucket pull.

This looks like a new name.

I hope it is.

We've got a lot of

old characters here tonight.

Make some noise for Elazer Guzman.

Elizier Elazier Guzman.

Hey, everybody, my name is Elazar.

He tried his best.

Yeah.

I probably shouldn't have smoked before this.

You guys ever smoke and they feel like I have a heart attack?

I gotta stop smoking methyl I'm kidding I I but I grew up Jehovah's Witness

oh never get that reaction

you usually even Mormons are like yikes

so it made stuff like my birthday recently really weird I just recently turned 34

thanks I've been freaking out about it Felt like I hadn't had enough sex in my life.

So my last month of being 33, I just trying to go in as many dates as possible.

And this last date I went on, this girl was like, look,

I want to have sex tonight, but I have a UTI.

And I said, look,

I don't care what school you went to.

Elaser.

Am I saying that right?

It's Elazar.

Elazar.

Elazar.

There's a second E in there.

Silent.

Yeah.

It looks like Eliazar or Eliezer.

Yeah, it's

people say that a lot.

Yeah, people say it like that.

When they read it.

Yeah, about 100% of the people that read it.

Just making sure.

You tried to make me look like a fool.

I know.

I'm Elazar, obviously.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

11 years.

11 years?

Awesome.

Where at?

New York City, New Jersey, all over the country.

Fantastic.

You live in Austin now?

I live in Austin, yeah.

Pass away.

How long?

Eight months.

What do you do for work?

I work at NADC Burger.

Whoa.

NADC?

Not a damn chance.

That is one of the best burgers in the entire city, owned by our very good friends.

You have fun working there?

I love it there.

A lot of pride.

It's a great place.

Amazing.

You get high on your own supply?

Are you eating the burgers over there?

Oh, yeah.

So addicted.

I'm broke as fuck, so I eat a burger every day.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah.

Amazing.

You get in a lot of spots around town?

Not really.

I just kind of make my own shows.

I've been producing for a while.

Very smart.

Yeah.

I love that.

Very smart.

If you put on a good show and book the people that you think are funny, eventually it will pick up steam.

Is it a weekly show?

Yeah, I have three right now.

Very smart.

This is what

I think more people should do and try,

especially if you're a more experienced comedian at 11 years.

How long were you doing it in New York for?

Pretty much the whole time, except for the past eight months.

Right.

What was the part where you said an all-around the country or whatever?

So I did like some tours through like Tennessee and like

New Orleans.

Texas, but just like bar shows, Arizona.

Very cool.

Very cool.

What were you doing for?

Didn't one of those people pronounce your name right?

No.

Yeah, it seems like they wouldn't.

Yeah.

Eliazar.

Eliazar.

What were you doing for work in New York City?

Yes, introduced him as 9-11.

I was a busser.

A busser.

A busser.

A bus boy.

Yeah.

But you say a busser,

like you're not a boy at all.

Yeah, no.

I say bus man, so uh

yeah

absolutely.

Um what else about your life?

Um

I I write stories.

What kind of stories?

Um short stories and novels.

Nice.

I've been doing that for most of my life.

You do that like on a typewriter or a computer?

Mostly on my phone.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

What's your love life like?

You seem like a good looking guy.

Not great.

I'm

I'm a little awkward.

Yeah.

Yeah.

So,

you know, I fucked once

since I've been out here.

It's all that matters.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Fuck once.

That's all you need.

How about love?

When's the last time you were in love?

Have you ever been in love?

Yeah, a couple times.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How long ago was that?

Maybe like two or three years ago.

All right.

What happened there?

She was psycho.

So

that happens.

Yeah.

That happens every once in a while.

Is she a bad driver?

No, but she carried a gun.

In New York City.

No, no.

Yeah, actually, New Jersey.

She's from New Jersey.

Oh, that makes sense.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's not a psycho, that's just New Jersey.

Elazar.

What is that?

Are you Mexican?

No, I'm Puerto Rican.

Ah, nice.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

My favorito.

I hear they're garbage.

No, nobody heard that.

Nobody said anything.

I haven't seen that at all anywhere

at any point.

No one's ever said such a thing.

Have you been to Puerto Rico?

No.

I have.

At one point, it was one of my favorite vacation spots.

What happened?

Had to get a president elected real quick.

No big deal.

Just had to

do my due diligence.

Shut up.

Shut up.

Thank you, Tony.

You're welcome, Mr.

President.

You're welcome.

Anytime.

Anytime for you.

So are your parents obviously both Puerto Rican?

No,

my mother is Puerto Rican and my stepfather is Mexican.

Okay.

Did you talk to your mom about any of the incidences that happened a few weeks ago?

With, oh, no.

With my thing?

She kind of stopped giving a shit about the political stuff a while ago.

So she didn't, but I mean, Puerto Rico was in the news.

She's been to Puerto Rico.

I've been avoiding saying anything about it, honestly.

Perfect.

Yeah.

It's a lose-lose situation.

Yeah.

And look at you now.

Little does she know that I just gave you the biggest opportunity of your life.

It all comes full circle, just like an island.

All right.

Fun times.

Nice to meet you.

Welcome to the show.

Here's a brand new bones eye leather, real Texas leather joke book.

And that is the Kill Tony debut of Elazar Guzman.

The only Elazar spelled Eliezar.

E-L-E-A-Z-A-R.

Another bucket pull.

This looks like a fun name.

It's a three-word name with pretty silly handwriting.

So this is a good sign.

Make some noise for what I believe is the Kill Tony debut of Eric Ray Stone, everybody.

Eric Ray Stone.

Hi everybody.

So I'm originally from Miami, which I know is the last thing you expect somebody that looks like this to say.

Yeah, I fit it in a lot better since I've moved to Austin.

But, you know, most people that are are born and raised in Miami feel like any place is better than Miami, you know, like most places.

But then I moved to Baltimore in the middle of the winter.

And, you know, what's not better than Miami?

Fucking Baltimore in the middle of the winter.

Yeah.

Like, even the bridge was like, fuck this.

I can't take it anymore.

Like, let's be honest.

Baltimore is just Detroit that got crabs.

That's it.

And when I moved to town, I only knew one person in town, which was an old ex-girlfriend.

And about a week before I moved there, she goes, listen, I got to tell you something.

I've been working as a stripper, and I know, I know.

You told me you were a bartender and got a concussion.

That shit don't happen.

But also, I've been working as an escort.

I said, okay, great.

She said, but I don't like people calling me an escort or a sex worker.

I think of myself as a service provider.

I was like, nah, bitch, ATT is a service provider.

You a hoe.

Let's keep it real.

All right, thank you.

That's been my time.

Eric Ray Stone, welcome to the show.

Thank you, Tony.

Hell yeah.

Your hair and everything, it seems like you would be crazier than you are.

You got it together.

Fuck yeah.

Yeah, you look like you're going to tell a bunch of people to go kill Sharon Tate.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You do look, you have cult leader energies, but you're just an everyday nice guy.

That's right.

I love it.

Eric Ray Stone.

How old are you, Eric?

I'm 30.

30?

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Years have not been kind to me, have they?

What's been going on?

You have a cane for those of you listening to the podcast, like D-Madness is.

He has a cane.

I have Ehlers-Danlow syndrome.

What is that?

Ehlers-Danlow syndrome, E-D-S.

It means my connective tissue sucks.

The only famous person I know that has it has Billie Eilish, but I don't have her theta, so nobody gives a shit.

So, your connective tissue, like your tendons and thing, like, is that what that means?

Yeah, tendons, ligands, ligaments, and cartilage.

So, you

tear them a lot?

Yeah.

Um, when I was younger, I played a lot of sports and did a lot of really stupid things.

So, I thought I was just getting injured because I was doing really stupid things.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Turns out, no, God has a sense of humor, too.

You're like Mr.

Glass.

Yeah, exactly.

Except he looks like a guy that would hang him.

You try fish oil?

Oh, fish oil.

Very good, Red Band.

Very good.

What if that cured you right away?

Yeah,

this whole fucking time.

Stand up like grandpa and the Willy Wonka in the chocolate factory.

We love a good old work.

Good old Dr.

Red Ban over here recommending fish oil or Wendy's at 4 a.m.

These are Red Band's lists of vitamins.

Eric Ray Stone, how long you you been on stand-up?

A little over three years now.

A little over three years.

You start here, Baltimore, Miami.

I started in Miami and then I went up to Baltimore for quite a bit of time and then I came back to Miami and was working at the improv for a couple years down there.

Interesting.

The Miami Improv.

Man, amazing.

Was I ever there when you were there?

You were.

Yeah.

Sounds about right.

Were you working in the sound booth?

Front door.

They had you at front door.

Dangerous position for a man with EDS.

Did you look like that when you were in Miami?

I'm sorry?

You look like...

You look like...

You look like that.

You're the only guy that looks like that in Miami.

Pretty much.

You and Jorge Masfidel.

Yeah.

Okay.

We're not the other ones with canes or pimping as girlfriend.

Amazing.

How long have you rocked the cane?

Ever since I had a hip reconstruction that didn't exactly go great.

What happened?

Well, I was supposed to heal from the surgery and I didn't.

Did you try fish oil?

Yeah.

You did.

Cocal butter?

Ironically, they actually make you stop fish oil before you go into surgery.

Like that's one of the things they're really specific about.

I was like, that's odd, but okay.

Yeah, interesting.

No explanation for why they made you stop fish oil?

No, there was an explanation, but I smoke a lot of weed, so I don't remember exactly what it was.

That makes sense.

Do you live in Austin now?

I do.

I just moved to town about a month ago.

How do you like it so far?

I'm loving every minute of it.

Yeah.

What's a guy like you do for fun around here?

I know everybody else said hikes earlier, I'm guessing.

Putting on the writs.

Yeah.

Look at him cracking up over here.

Look at him just dying of laughter.

That was fucking fun.

What do you do for fun in Austin, Texas?

Well, every day since I've been here since I've been here, comedy.

But I've actually been hanging out at Sunset Strip a lot.

I've got a lot of friends that work there.

Look at that.

Look at that.

Some fish soil.

All right.

Tell us something crazy about your life, Eric.

What's a fun fact that would surprise us about you?

You ever do anything crazy or see anything crazy or family or anything?

Yeah, so

I found out not too long ago that apparently a lot of my family that was in Cuba that are now millionaires here were political prisoners because we were very fond of explosives and not so fond of communists.

So yeah, I did not know that.

Can you really just spell out what you just said?

I'd prefer not to because there's, you know.

Okay.

All right.

Well, he makes bombs and he looks like a guy who makes bombs.

Yeah.

Guys.

He just finished his manifesto before he walked up there.

And I mean that with love.

That and the Ten Commandments.

Yeah, you've been moseying along.

Eric, you have a look to you that is incomparable to most.

Does this, do you go on dates and stuff?

Do you have a...

Yeah, actually, I went on a date with one of the most beautiful women I've ever met about two weeks ago.

How'd it go?

Greg.

Eric Raystone, not a fan of the organ music on that beat there.

How'd it go?

What'd you guys do?

You went to a.

We went out to a bar with her friends and then we went dancing, which was not very dancing for me.

That was her telling you to leave.

Well, yeah.

Yeah.

I should have taken the hints.

We're going to go dancing if you want to go.

You're like, sure, let's fucking go.

I like a challenge.

What can I say?

We're gonna run a marathon.

Yeah.

What kind of dancing was it?

Was it like Latino music or?

No, it was Texas two-step, and I have no idea how to do that.

Yeah, you can barely take one step.

Yeah, this is incredible.

This is

absolutely amazing.

You didn't know how to do it, but did you learn?

Did she show you?

She tried.

Have you guys talked since then does this look like something that's gonna continue probably not i told her way too much about about my family and history so yeah you explained to her whatever you yeah said yep yeah all right that'll do it yeah

yeah she had what's funny is we then made out afterwards so like it didn't seem like a deal breaker but then she blocked me the next day oh well there you go yeah that's what happens when you cane blast a girl

it's probably all from the fish oil you probably have horse all right the fish oil very Very good.

The running fish oil joke that literally only you laughed at.

A callback.

I love it.

Let's do a big joke book for you, Eric Raystone.

Here it is.

And there he goes.

On to the next one we go.

You guys still having fun out there?

Very interesting bucket pulls this episode.

A lot of names we've seen before.

This is a back-to-back three-word name very interesting a very rare treat three-word name back-to-back two in a row make some noise for Jerry Debo Smith everybody Jerry Debo Smith

ah the whites

Hey, a lot of people can't tell by looking at me though.

I'd like to tell people this all the time, but I'm actually mixed myself.

My mom is white, my dad is black.

There's a lot of pros and cons to being a mixed kid.

Like the biggest con to being mixed is that I got high blood pressure and mesothelioma.

That's fucked up.

Y'all laughing, but some mornings, I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me.

And here's the best part: this is the part I like the most.

I have a big dick and a high credit score.

Burr, burr, burr, burr.

My eyes up here, nigga.

Get the fuck out of here.

All right, I'm lying.

Listen,

my dick is huge, but my credit is fucked up, son.

My dad told me a long time ago when I was a kid.

He says, Doesn't matter if you got good credit if you dig big.

You'll find some fat white woman to buy you anything you want.

I said, niggas, you talking about my mother?

I almost whooped his ass that day.

That was the day.

Thank you.

Wow.

One of the performances of the night.

The Kill Tony debut

of Jerry Bebo Smith.

Eagles Nation, my nigga.

All right.

You from Philly?

No, I'm from D.C., but I live in San Antonio.

Okay.

Welcome, welcome.

How long have you lived in San Antonio?

Well, I started my career in San Antonio in 2010.

They got my picture on the wall at Laugh Out Loud.

Okay.

Very good.

Very good.

I know he ain't asked me that, but I felt like a nigga gotta shine.

Gotta shine.

Hell yeah.

Is your picture on the wall anywhere else, Jerry?

Perhaps

a convenience store or something.

Oh, no, sir.

No, sir.

I ain't never been to jail now today in my life.

And I'm caught up on my child support for the rest of you, motherfuckers, too.

I love it.

How many children do you have, Jerry?

I have three.

Okay.

And they all got their own mother because they need special attention.

If you're gonna have them, that's how you have them.

That is fucking funny.

Yeah, thank you.

I've never heard that twist on being a terrible father before.

You're a funny guy.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.

So you've been doing it about 14 years.

14 to November, yeah.

i love it it is november yeah

shit oh upcoming november no this oh shit last month then i've been

all right october october fuck you congratulations congratulations

i've been over there for two hours

i love it jerry debo smith why do you go by three names uh because like a lot of my name is jerry smith Because I'm fucking white.

My mom thought that shit would be cool.

Yeah.

In the hoods of DC.

So I had to smack a lot of niggas around to get Debo and the name and shit.

So, that's my real nickname.

So, I like to go by my nickname when I'm on stage.

I don't want to go by Jerry Smith.

Nobody will come see me.

I like it though.

I get it.

You have a Debo hoodie, but it's Seinfeld.

Yeah, that's my favorite show, man.

That's, I'm sorry, I mean to talk over you and shit.

No, that's great.

That's me sitting on Seinfeld couch, smoking a blunt and shit.

You know what I'm saying?

I love it.

That's my merch.

If y'all want to buy it, jerrydebosmith.com.

Seinfeld's really your favorite show?

Yeah, it's my favorite show.

Wow, you really are a Jerry Smith.

That is the way that the last per minute on that show is fucking amazing.

I totally agree.

You ever watch Golden Girls?

Yeah, I do.

Yes, I do.

Yes, I do.

LPMs for days.

Like, shit, I swear.

Your mom picked the television, didn't she?

No, I did.

That's my favorite show.

Yeah, my mom died way before Seinfeld came on.

Jesus, I'm sorry.

No, don't.

It's all good.

How did your mom die?

1995.

She had.

Oh, no, Seinfeld was banging.

Did it?

I thought it started in like 89.

I mean 90 or 98.

I'm sorry.

I'm high dog.

This nigga a samurai?

All right.

What the fuck?

He said what the fuck?

And I looked back and this nigga a samurai on the drums.

All right.

We both fucked up over here.

A sleeveless samurai.

Get that nigga.

I'm sorry.

I don't mean that.

They told me not to talk over y'all.

Let me shut the fuck up.

I feel weird being up here because I feel like I'm for sale.

There's too many white people in here.

You're doing great.

You're doing great.

You're not for sale.

Okay, all right.

Just know I got bad knees, nigga.

I ain't going in the fields.

You got better knees than the last guy.

I seen him.

That's funny and shit.

Hell yeah.

I'm going to be quiet.

I'm waiting for you now.

You're doing good.

You're doing good.

Let the laughter die.

Let it die.

Anyway, when did your mom die?

In 1995.

But how?

How did she die?

Kidney failure.

Oh, my goodness.

Did she have...

Y'all go see a nigga kill somebody here tonight.

Did she have diabetes?

No, no, she didn't.

She was white.

Diabetes is on my dad's side.

That's on the other side.

Okay.

She just had random kidney failure?

How does she say that?

No, well, she's, I don't want to put her business out there, but she used to smoke cocaine and shit.

You know, like.

Oh, okay.

It's all right.

Yeah, sure.

She met met your dad, yeah, yeah, honestly, yeah, yeah, yeah.

You ain't wrong, though, it ain't like he wasn't a drug dealer and shit.

Red Band is wondering how to have kidney failure from cocaine.

Is that a common thing?

I don't know anything about that.

Well, no, I just, I don't know.

I don't think that's, I mean, she used to do, but that's the only thing I can say, you know what I'm saying?

That she used to do drugs, and she had no other problems other than that.

She was snorting it wrong.

Snorting it.

I probably was.

I didn't come here to kill nobody, but I'm about to kill one of these four niggas on this stage.

I got one more mama joke, and I'm going to fuck somebody up.

Show y'all why my name is Debo.

Oh, shit.

Jerry, relax, Jerry.

I'm just playing.

I'm just playing.

I'm just fucking with y'all.

I'm having fun.

Yo, mama's so fat.

Oh, my goodness.

The nigga all the way in the corner talking shit.

I wouldn't be able to look at the police.

I wouldn't be able to get to you and shit.

Hey, Devo.

Yes, sir.

You should take his chain.

That shit fake.

That's his.

Oh, shit.

That's shining like a motherfucker.

It's fake, and your eyes cross a little bit.

They got you, my nigga.

It was close.

It was a close call.

Are all your kids in one city?

No, no.

My oldest son is 13 and my daughter is 12 and they live in Virginia.

And my son, I have a seven-year-old here in DC, in Texas.

All right.

Okay, that's right.

We can't play that anymore else.

YouTube will get us in trouble.

All right.

So, so interesting, Jerry.

So, so funny.

Amazing stuff.

First time you've seen a comic from San Antonio will be funny, huh?

We've had a couple.

We've had a couple of people.

I watched the show.

I watched the show and them motherfuckers are lame.

You might be the best.

You might be the best.

I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday.

And here's the big joke, book.

Sign up again.

Come back.

We need people like you.

Jerry Debo Smith.

All right.

We're going to fly through these last two bucket fulls real quick.

Turbo rounds.

Brand new minute coming at you.

This looks like another new name.

Make some noise for Sam Cokes, everybody.

Sam Cokes.

Do you ever see like a super cut homeless guy and just feel terrible about yourself?

Fuck the gym.

I'm going to start fighting my demons on street corners.

That's some high-intensity interval training right there.

I had a date recently.

It was a first date.

The topic of hobbies came up.

Now, I like hunting.

But what's worse is I can only really afford to hunt squirrels.

So

yeah, I mentioned that.

And there's nothing to gain by admitting you're a squirrel hunter on a first date.

Yeah, that is a lose-lose situation, if you're wondering.

Because they either respond like this cow did, which is, oh my God, get this redneck asshole away from me.

Or they can be into it,

which I think is worse.

Somehow.

If they're like, oh my God, you kill rodents and skin them and eat their flesh.

Wow, you're such a provider.

That's that's so masculine.

That could be dicey.

That could be dicey.

I don't know if I'm equipped for that, but that's my time, guys.

Thank you.

Sam Coates.

Hello, Sam.

Hello.

How are you?

How long have you been on stand-up?

Almost a year.

Almost a year.

Where at?

Mostly in Austin.

Where at before that?

Oh, you know, Shakespeare's.

Oh, a little in Detroit, but mostly...

Mostly here in Austin.

Is that where you're originally from?

No, I'm from Ontario, Canada.

A town called Sarnia.

Yes.

What is it?

Sarnia?

Sarnia.

Yeah, like Narnia with an S.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Got it.

Mm-hmm.

Is someone booing you?

There you go.

What the hell, man?

What the fuck?

You do look a little Trudeau-esque.

I will say that.

You got the fucking

creepy before.

Yeah, I bet.

Throw on some blackface.

We'll know for sure.

Yeah, right?

We're going to find out a bit.

Trudeau, you know what I'm saying?

What do you do for work i uh i do sales tony what are you selling sam uh

i do h the hvac sales i'm going door to door selling uh that's right i know i realize i feel like i'm leaving a wake of like mildly annoyed people behind me the whole time i haven't really reconciled that but it's fun i enjoy it tell us the craziest thing about your life Well, the craziest thing.

I mean, I lived in a van in Australia for a year.

Wow.

Yeah, so that was kind of, that was exciting.

But why?

I was planting trees there.

I was planting trees in Australia.

Oh, why?

Yeah.

For money.

You got paid to plant it.

That's good coin.

Yeah, a lot of people think it's volunteer work, but you actually get paid per tree.

And once you get good at it, it's actually pretty good.

How much do you get paid for planting a tree in American money?

I've never planted trees here, only Canada and Australia, but it's like varies only 10 to 25 cents per tree.

But, you know, you plant thousands a day, so it adds up.

Even the Mexicans are like, what the fuck?

See all of their faces just like, dude, what do you

chieve, dude?

Get the fuck out of here, bro.

What the fuck?

You guys ever hear of something that's so crazy?

White boys planting trees for a dime?

Wow.

I guess people do come here to do the white people jobs.

Here's the thing, though.

You plant thousands a day.

Okay.

So, you know, you can make pretty good money.

It's hard work, but it's fun.

You have to live in the middle of nowhere, have crazy parties in the bush with a bunch of weird hippie people.

It's cool.

Very cool.

Yeah, that's $100.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I guess that's a lot for a little Canadian boy.

What do you think is the most Canadian thing about you?

Most Canadian thing about me.

I don't know, man.

I didn't play hockey.

That's pretty Canadian.

I think planting trees, man, like, that's pretty Canadian.

Like, that is.

I have a lot of trees.

Most Canadian thing about me, man.

I don't know.

That I hate Trudeau, I think.

That's pretty Canadian.

That's pretty, that's a consensus these days.

Like, that guy kind of sucks.

Were there any black people where you were raised?

No.

No.

Were there any Mexicans?

No Mexicans either.

No, that's heaven-like.

Yeah, exactly.

Amazing.

This is what

I enjoyed it.

I don't know why I left, honestly.

In hindsight, it's pretty good up there.

Sounds quiet.

Sam, here's a little joke book.

We're flying through the rest of this episode.

There goes, Sam coaxes everybody.

Got through a lot of bucket pulls tonight.

This is our 10th and final bucket pull of the night.

This young lady's been on this show before.

It's been a long time.

Make some noise for a brand new minute from Gina Hyena, everybody.

Gina Hyena.

I'm not even goth.

I just dress like this because my ex used to hit me.

Every once in a while I have somebody come up after the show and be like, that's awful.

You don't deserve that.

And it's just like, get to know me better, you know?

It's my fault.

It's totally my fault.

Not just because I talk back, but it's my fault because I dated a pimp for four years.

Yeah, that should have been a fling.

My dumbass tried to turn a trap house into a trap home.

It's

yeah, calm down.

He wasn't black, Texas.

It was a, I'm Italian.

I couldn't do that to my Italian family, you know?

Like, I could take a criminal home, but I'm not going to push it.

It's.

It is embarrassing.

He was half Italian, half Jewish.

Perfect crossbreed for a pimp.

Strong backhand, but fiscally responsible.

Embarrassing, embarrassing to hold it down for a cheap criminal.

Embarrassing to waste your 20s, your tight skin, your youthful outlook.

Date a guy that hits you when he didn't even play for the NFL.

When I meet young girls, I tell them, date an athlete.

Just don't take the elevator.

Thank you guys.

Boom.

One minute,

nine seconds.

Gina hyena, punchline, punchline, punchline, punchline, punchline.

Amazing.

Welcome back.

It's been a long time since we've seen you.

How's it going?

Oh, great.

I haven't been here.

This is awesome.

Fantastic.

Where have you been?

I've been in Philly.

I live in New York now.

I've been doing shows in San Diego, Albany.

It's been fun.

I love it.

I love it.

Amazing.

Amazing set.

What else is going on?

I mean, just

trying to get into comedy.

I got to get more online.

So this is awesome to be here.

It's awesome to see you guys in this.

This is fucking fantastic.

Just fantastic set.

Trying to write, trying to bring it more to life.

That's all true.

Didn't you live here for a while?

I did.

I lived here 2018 to 2020.

So I moved down here out of the blue.

That was actually because when I was dating that guy, some shit got hot, allegedly.

And I moved to Texas, didn't know anybody.

And then I started comedy a year later because I was like, nobody knows me.

I can have a stage name, whatever.

And then lost my job during COVID, had to move back to New York.

And then everybody from comedy moved here.

I've been kicking myself and trying to come back as much as I can.

I love it.

So you're hiding from a pimp on one of the biggest shows in the world?

Entertainment podcast, comedy,

allegedly, yes.

Yes.

No, I think he quit.

He had quite a portfolio.

But that's like the most fun one to talk about, you know?

He got got out of pimping.

Yeah, now he's a real real estate real estate.

He grew into the Jewish genes.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Good.

He went from.

And I didn't get one Gucci bump me Michael Kors once.

That was the only time I thought I was going to rat on him.

Pimping to real estate?

Yeah.

Who goes from hose to home?

So stupid.

I'm not going hose to homes with you.

Our own inside jokes.

It's nice you can find an industry to be a bigger piece of shit.

Yeah,

for real, for real.

No, actually, we, um, it wasn't even that that made me break up with him.

He told me he wanted to get me pregnant, and that's when I like finally pictured it from a third-party perspective.

He met my family, whole thing.

Did your doctor say, try not to punch the baby?

How else are you going to know it's breathing?

True.

And if you shake him too hard, you don't know it's not.

I like the idea of coaching him being like, slip right, you know?

I know all his moves.

Now, it's a, I got away from that, moved down here, moved back.

Are you dating anyone now?

Yeah, I'm actually dating a psychiatrist, not my psychiatrist, but

I'm not that hot.

No, it's a, he's great.

He's, he's great.

He's awesome.

I have no shit to talk about him.

I can talk shit about dating down here all day.

How long have you been with the psychiatrist?

About eight months now.

And what's that like?

Does he

communicate?

It's weird as fuck.

Yeah, he like asks you about you

and just sits there and listens.

He listens.

Whoa.

It's like Coco the gorilla.

Like he just like communicates back.

It's weird as fuck.

That's wild.

Yeah.

That is wild.

Yeah.

I'm not used to it.

Like the first time he ever asked me if I needed reassurance, I thought we were about to fight.

Like I didn't know the fuck that was supposed to be.

Yeah, I'm his muse.

Gina, you are very, very funny.

Red Band.

Are you in town this week?

I am.

I'd love to have you back on the secret show.

There you go.

Another one.

Thank you so much.

Thank you, guys.

It's been a while since we've seen you.

Do you have one of these?

Gina, you have one of these?

There you go.

Gina hyena.

Booyah.

Follow her.

Eggs and hot sauce.

The letter N.

Eggs and hot sauce.

All right.

This is it.

We did it.

10 bucket pulls down.

Absolutely fantastic episode of the show.

There's only one way to put a ribbon on it.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kiltony Hall of Famer, record holder for all-time appearances on the show, all-time interviews.

A man like no other in this show's history.

Tens and tens, perhaps hundreds of hours of entertainment given to us by who some people call

the Memphis Strangler,

the Zippic Zorro,

the vicar of the Vape Pen,

the vanilla gorilla,

the Virgin of Virginia.

This is indeed the big red machine, William Montgomery.

Tony, first off, you know I'm not a virgin and you know I don't smoke a vape pin.

So, and also just I hope the girl who's just on realizes that I think a lot of the time psychiatrists are psychopaths.

So, I hope she realizes that.

I tried to join a gang, but I couldn't even pass a background truck.

Despite repeatedly saying you would never do it, Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter.

And I'm going to be honest, I had no idea that knocking up a stripper after having sex with your dead brother's widow was a crime.

And also, shouts out to Hagrid in the crowd tonight.

It looks like we got Hagrid from Harry Potter out there.

Okay.

Employees at a Planet Fitness recently found a guy who had been dead in a tanning bed for three days.

The good news is he smelled like shit.

The bad news, he had...

God damn it, I messed it up.

Red band, why'd you play the song?

Okay, he was dead in the tanning bed for three days.

The bad news is he smelled like shit.

The good news, his skin had a nice glow to it.

Okay.

Thank you.

He has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

The biggest, reddest machine of them all.

William Lights Out, Thunderfuck Montgomery.

So nice to be here tonight.

We love you, William.

Tony, we had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Tony and I and Red Band, we spent Thanksgiving together.

We did have a big, wonderful Thanksgiving together.

We had a big family Thanksgiving, family style.

It was wonderful.

Tony actually brought some really good baked ham, and Red Band brought a bowl of marshmallows.

Like the little marshmallows.

It was like the dumbest.

It was like the stupidest thing.

It was like what a little child would bring or something.

It really was like the stupidest.

But your ham, you did, Tony, was wonderful.

And then I had a wonderful Native American Heritage Day after that.

And Tony, that's where I actually got my hair done.

I went to him.

Oh.

So I was able to, I told him to do it in Rasta colors.

But yes, it is for Native American Heritage Day.

I was able to get it on Friday.

Wow.

You say you looked like both a Native American and a pilgrim at the same time.

Oh fun.

But yeah, it was fun.

And then I've gotten to,

you're not going to want to hear this, Tony, but I've gotten to prestige number seven in Call of Duty we just experienced, which Tony is.

is a pretty big deal.

Most people I'm playing with in these in these game rooms, they're, I don't know, prestige three or four or something.

I'm at prestige seven right now.

So wow.

Wow.

Do you know about Call of Duty?

You're more of a Madden guy, right?

But sir.

But Call of Duty, do you know about that at all?

Oh, I don't play it, but I do know about it.

So Prestige 7 is pretty good, right?

It's pretty impressive.

Yeah.

Along with that hairline.

No, that was like, that was a nice thing.

That was a nice thing.

Sketch is ready.

People are trying to start Sketch Chance out there in the crowd.

His first time in front of a live audience has bullets in the chamber.

Ready to go.

Absolutely ready to go.

Sketcho's nice, though, right?

It was awesome.

Yeah.

What was nice?

No, you were being nice saying there at the hairline.

Like, there was like a nice thing, right?

Oh, I like it.

A little Ben Frank?

Okay, help me, Tony.

What's going on?

You're doing good.

You're doing good.

What's going on?

I don't think anyone's ever referred to you as Ben Franklin-like before, but I do see it, and I'm surprised no one has.

Yeah, my gosh, I'll take it.

Right around Thanksgiving, it's fun.

Thank you.

Maybe you guys can fly kites after this together.

Have you ever flown a kite before, William?

Yeah, one time I was in Destin, Florida, Tony, and I was able to, they used to have those big spools that you could, big things of string for the kites.

And I remember connecting two of those big spools together, and the kite got so high up in the air and a storm came in and i was having to hold the spool down by the sand because it was shocking me tony it was up that high so i got a kite up really high one time did you look like that before

no it was when i started losing my hair and

wow

I like the okay.

Okay, that didn't make sense.

I did.

I'm an idiot.

Like, I'm bombing up here.

I'm not even in a good mood right now.

Didn't make sense.

i do like the green shirt you're obviously uh winding up for the christmas spirit perhaps you're gonna get more christmassy each appearance this december i am i am so excited we are in the month of christmas we're in quarter four month of christmas it is my favorite time of the year so tony get ready for it i'm gonna be getting even more christmas christmassy as we get closer to christmas so everybody get really excited for that you like to rattle off some of your favorite things about Christmas.

Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery rattling off some of his favorite Christmas things.

What excites you about Christmas?

Oh my gosh.

I mean, you get family and friends coming together.

All right.

Obviously, we're starting with the lighter stuff here.

Yeah.

It's going to get more exciting as it goes.

Here he goes.

I mean, you get family and friends.

I mean, sometimes you might get like a...

Wait, Tony, hold on.

My throat.

I'm really still not doing it.

Okay, just rattle stuff off.

Doesn't matter.

You don't have to scream at William.

I'm doing so bad, Tony, and I have this horrible fever right now.

I'm doing really

bad right now.

It's really depressing.

You can literally have said anything in the world other than that.

It would have been better.

But my mom's angel cookies.

Really looking forward to those.

I mean, we're talking.

That's one thing.

What else?

Chocolate chip cookies.

Oh, looking forward to those.

Naming different types of cookies, ladies and gentlemen.

This is not going as I expected it to go at all.

What happened there?

You want to find out?

What happened?

What did happen?

Were they all drunk or how'd y'all knock it over?

Oh, you had to have your arm around your lady there we started talking about christmas this guy was get trying to get cozy did they knock over the guy with the nipples give everybody new covid

perhaps perhaps it could be a winter of death and danger for your families according to whitehouse.gov somebody was sick somebody talking on the microphone was sick or no uh cam cleaned it off thank god yeah oh yeah

because that's something i started thinking about tony i'm like oh my god what if somebody before me is sick?

It's like, I'm gonna get fucking sick up in this motherfucker.

Like, sometimes I'm not even.

One guy could barely walk.

Yeah,

it's true.

It's true.

He had a cane, and spoiler alert, it was not a candy cane.

We're rattling off some of William's favorite Christmas things, but you could tell by the music and the sleigh bells.

Here he is with some more Christmas things.

Master improviser William Montgomery.

You can say anything Christmas related.

People are literally yelling out things.

All you have to do is repeat them into the microphone for the millions of people watching at home.

Here he goes.

Christmas things with William Montgomery.

You hear the sleigh bells?

Here he goes.

Perhaps the lighting is going to help him rattle off some Christmas things.

To put a ribbon on this episode.

Candy canes and Snickers bars and butterfingers and Snickers bars and candy canes on Christmas

Candy canes and Snickers bars and Snickers bars and candy canes and candy canes at Christmas

Christmas this year is going to be fun at my

mama's house

We're going to get a doll for Christmas this year.

That's what my dad says.

Okay.

Wow.

Amazing William Montgomery.

Okay.

How loud can this place get for the great and powerful William Montgomery?

We did it again.

This episode is brought to you by Zippix, our amazing sponsor.

Here's some cinnamon zippics for the holiday season.

Some sweet whiskey for this guy.

Some zippix.

Ooh, peppermint watermelon.

Is there perhaps a cool black guy nope all right it's going to a latino there you go all right el mocha

all right there you go a little mocha thank you zippix the drawing from ryan j he belt is in How loud can this place get for sketch, ladies and gentlemen?

His first time in front of a live audience.

Check us.

I mean, you probably already follow him on Twitch and YouTube.

He's a global superstar, but if you don't, follow him there.

He streams DaveLandau.com.

That's L-A-N-D-A-U.com.

Hilarious tonight.

He's on tour.

Go to DaveLandau.com for tickets and check out Normal World on Blaze TV featuring Dave Landau.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight over there.

Oh, John Dees.

Look at that.

That's you, John.

That's what you look like.

It is.

That's good, right?

We are going to be auctioning that off after the show.

We're gonna also auction off the painting.

What did he say?

Oh, no, you did it.

Oh, shit.

What did he say?

Nothing.

John D's on keys.

How about one more time for the best stand band in the land, everybody?

We did it.

Thank you all.

Red band.

Check out the sunsetstripatx.com.

Love you guys.

This is it.

This is your last chance to get this stream

for

another week.

Yeah, New Year's Eve.

The stream is on sale.

You're going to want to see it live.

December 30th and 31st, completely sold out.

Two arenas.

We're doing it again here in Austin, Texas, the new comedy capital of the world.

God bless you all and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you, everybody.

Good night.

I want to make sure

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