#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

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Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Camp Downing.

Get up, Ratoni!

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Thanks so much for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

gentlemen.

Keep it going for the best damn band in all the land.

That's the Kill Tony band.

The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa on the horns.

Matt

Muelling on the electric guitar.

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And the great and powerful D-Madness on the bass guitar, everybody.

Having fun in here tonight.

Feels electric.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse and my life turns everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was queer.

He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Well, here we go.

This is going to be fun.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have one guest tonight and one guest only, and I couldn't be more excited about it.

One of my favorite human beings on planet Earth, one of the funniest people I know.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

for the great, the powerful.

This is RFK Jr.

Wow, live and in the flesh.

Good to see you again.

The great.

Great to see you, Tony.

I'm so glad you're here, RFK Jr.

You're one of my favorite people.

I should probably say that

I can't stay too long.

I have a German shepherd slow roasting on my grill, and I have to attend to him.

But I'll be here for most of the show.

I'm very excited to have you.

You've actually been on this show before at the LA Forum.

You did a minute.

Your wife Cheryl came out.

How's Cheryl going?

Who's that?

Yeah.

So you know how it works.

And indeed, there is a bucket.

I don't know how many sign-ups are usually about two, oh, 2:32 tonight.

Okay.

There's some people missing.

Maybe home for the holidays or something.

232 human beings signed up tonight inside of this bucket.

Absolutely anything can happen.

If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds.

You know, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

I'm gonna let this lucky human in the front pick the first name.

Hand it off to me.

You don't have to read it, sir.

It's okay.

There you go.

Oh, okay.

That's actually a familiar name.

We've seen that before.

We're going to go wrangle that person from across the street.

They're all at a bar.

And

because there's so many of them, we can't possibly hold them here.

So they're going to go get him from across the street.

While they're waiting, maybe I should apologize real quickly because I'm low on electrolytes and I'm going to be

sipping this fermented owl urine throughout the show and I want to apologize now for doing that.

Oh Jesus Christ.

You know, you know, owl urine doesn't taste as good as you think it would.

Oh, this is going to be epic.

And it's going to start with an unbelievable bang, ladies and gentlemen.

This is a very, very special episode.

Every once in a while, you know, I like to do things a little different.

I like to keep the fans on their toes and, you know, mix it up.

So while we wrangle your first bucket pull of the night, I would like to present to you your first comic of the night.

He is a regular.

He is a Hall of Famer.

He is the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews on this show.

Some people call him the tyrant of Temecula.

The Vermont vascular vagrant.

The vanilla gorilla.

The Memphis Strangler.

This is

the big red machine.

A brand new minute from the one and only William Montgomery.

H-O-T-T-O-G-O,

hot to go.

Sounds like something Hans Kim's mom would say when she's handing a customer food.

My Spotify rap says says my top song for 2024 was crop dusting the funeral home during visitations.

The guy who shot the United Healthcare CEO in New York City was caught today at a McDonald's in Pennsylvania.

Apparently, he was meeting with a hamburger to get some tips on poisoning people.

I'm planning a bar mitzvah, and at the last minute, the rabbi comes, cancels on me because we're not Jewish, and I don't have a son.

So yeah, I'm back on the Hamas train.

Okay, that's my time.

Thank you, Tony.

William lights out Montgomery, the vagrant of Vermont.

Yeah, the

hello, my friend.

How exciting?

You going first?

It was so exciting because, Tony, I haven't, I wasn't able to play any Call of Duty this weekend.

I was in Buffalo this weekend.

So I am about to play some motherfucking Call of Duty, Tony.

Whoa, look at this.

I currently, and Tony, but here's the problem.

I currently only have 20 gold, or no, excuse me, 20 diamond camouflages for my guns.

I need 33, so I need to get 13 more diamond camouflages this week, Tony, before I go to Indianapolis, man.

Whoa, this is very exciting.

I don't know how many of you know this or have been noticing or paying attention to the episodes, but lately, William hasn't been screaming that much because he's been having a sore throat.

Your throat isn't sore at all this week.

No, it hurts like a motherfucker, don't it?

But I'm just so excited about Call of Duty tonight.

I'm not even kidding.

I'm about to play for 10 hours.

I'm about to pop a little Adderall, drink some espresso.

Really?

I don't know.

I mean, it is kind of late.

It will be kind of late, but I might tomorrow.

Wow.

I probably will when I wake up tomorrow.

Incredible.

The great, would you like to, you have any questions or would you like to talk to the great RFK Jr.

here live in the flesh?

Yeah, RFK.

So what is going to happen if there's another pandemic or something?

Are you going to, are y'all going to force people to get the vaccinations?

I mean, what are y'all going to do there?

Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to force you to do because I can see by your sunken eyes, you don't have enough iron in your blood.

You're losing blood.

And so what I want you to do for me is I want you to save your feces

and

I want you to leave it out in the sun.

And then I want you to just sprinkle that on your oatmeal in the morning and

you'll thank me.

You'll thank me for it.

Trust me.

And that's so weird you say that because when I was in Buffalo this weekend, I ate a whole bunch of the egg rolls with pizza inside and I had really bad shits today.

I'm going to have to get on my All-brand buds.

I'm going to have to do something, Tony.

It's really bad.

I've doo-dooed twice today and it's always bad to do-do.

And then when you get up off the toilet and and you get in the shower to clean off, you got to do-doo again.

You know, that's a, normally I can get all the doo-doo out of me, but the two today, they were still inside of me when I got in the shower.

How were your shows in Buffalo?

How did they go?

Went good.

Yeah.

Oh my gosh.

Yeah.

Tony, oh my gosh.

No, it was wonderful.

It was the strangest thing.

So I'm talking to this table of people.

They're sitting very close to the front.

And I'm just, it's this guy and this girl.

And I start kind of aggressively, what's that?

It's owl.

It's fermented owl urine.

You know what's tough about it is the owls have a, what's called a colloquia, which is the vagina and the asshole are one thing.

So it's more like a vashole of sorts.

And so

what I have to do to get the urine is I have to filter out the feces, which you can never get all the feces out.

Weirdly enough, that looks very similar to the antifreeze I was feeding to Red Band's fucking mom to keep her ass sick last year when I was living over at her house.

Wow.

Yup.

I was giving her fucking dumbass antifreeze at night, dude.

Whoa.

And she gets real sleepy then, Red Band.

Wow, making your mama sleepy.

Here he is with a big retort coming.

He's grabbed it.

So Wayne, I got this report this weekend that you made a woman cry and she had to leave with her husband.

Is this true?

Is that why you were getting the strangest thing?

And I was telling the guy he needs to divorce the woman.

I mean, it was the craziest behavior.

I was just kind of aggressively talking towards them.

And then I look back after like 30 seconds and the woman has her hands in her face and I'm like, bitch, are you crying?

And she was fucking crying.

And then I kind of went after her stupid fucking ass because it just seems like such weird behavior.

And then they ended up leaving and they were trying to steal the drinks as well.

They tried to leave without paying for their food.

So they were weird.

I don't know.

It was very strange.

You told the man, is this your bitch?

And then she was crying and then you said, you need to control your bitch.

Yeah, it was fucking out of control, Tody.

He really did.

And then they fucking leave.

It was fun, though.

It really was.

It sounds like a good time.

I mean, we've been getting these reports about weekends you have.

This is two weekends in a row right now.

I know, or somebody's crying, or there's a big disaster with somebody in the crowd.

I know.

Like my mom, you seem very mean to women.

Are you gay or something, maybe?

Are you a little gay boy?

Wow, look at her.

Red man roasting.

I wouldn't tell you.

Whoa.

Whoa.

Secret gay man

in the closet comedian.

Wow.

You keep that type of behavior up.

You might get a Netflix special real fast, William.

All right.

Well, anything else we should know about about your crazy weekend and your life and everything?

Getting a little better at Tetris.

I've been playing Tetris on the Game Boy and like the airports and stuff.

I'm getting a little bit better.

I started looking it up on YouTube.

I'm looking up different techniques.

I'm seeing how to play.

I'm figuring out how to play.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

I mean, what can I say that that I haven't said about you a thousand times before?

You're a legend.

We love you.

The new minutes have piled up.

You are the record holder.

You are the backbone of the show.

Red Band thinks you're gay.

I know.

That's kind of weird.

That is kind of weird.

That's a new angle.

That's a new angle coming from Red Band.

Red Band has figured out that calling you gay

is something.

Did you color your beard, Red Band?

You got a little color in that, don't you?

Did you do some just for men, Joe?

It looks a lot darker than normal.

I gotta tell you, I did.

You look good.

You put a little bit too much just for men.

It looks so natural, no one can tell.

You wouldn't know anything about this.

I wouldn't.

No, I don't have a beard.

I cannot grow a beard.

There's not enough testosterone in the world for me to be able to grow a beard.

I see these.

I've been seeing these.

These people on CNN, these trans correspondents, like these women that have turned into men.

I saw one the other day had a full fucking beard.

I'm like, this is bullshit.

I'm like, how the fuck are the trans people getting more testosterone into their bloodstream than me?

I'm truly jealous of these women becoming more men than I am.

Like, I'm a man and I'm on testosterone and I have a penis and balls.

And I still can't grow a full beard.

One day.

One day.

One day.

One day.

One day.

I'll keep my fingers and my legs crossed.

Ladies and gentlemen, the show has begun with the stylings of the great and powerful William Montgomery.

Where do we go from here?

What a way to start.

That's normally how you end.

It's like a Tarantino film.

It started with the ending.

And I did meet Tarantino, one of my new best friends.

No big deal.

Your first bucket pull is a legend, ladies and gentlemen.

I remember this guy very clearly.

A very interesting human being.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of Sturm Worm.

How could we forget from years ago, Sturmworm?

One more time for Sturmworm.

Yeah, so about a year ago, I got a lap dance

from a guy

and I came

in

my

A Couple of days later, I downloaded the Grindr app.

Within an hour, I was getting head in a parking lot.

Ten other messages from dudes within a one-mile radius begging me

to suck

my

dick.

You know,

it's always looked like the gays are having more fun.

After extensive research, I've come to the conclusion that theory is correct.

I mean

my life is so gay.

I might as well be fucking dudes.

Pretty sure I'm not a homosexual, but I can't keep going along with this farce.

That miss stalemate tie with all of y'all for being the straightest motherfucker that's ever lived.

Fighting off the gay is exhausting.

To tie a ribbon on it from this point for

There it is.

Sterm worm, everybody.

Just basically kind of just talking about being gay.

No real definitive jokes throughout the entire thing.

Just kind of

coming out of the closet.

Is that true?

Is that real?

It's all true.

It's all true.

So you really did.

You got a lap dance from a guy, and you're like, I kind of like this.

I was like, yeah, I got to go through more with this.

And then I went, I did the Tinder thing, I mean, the grinder thing.

And like, it was as lame as every hookup I ever had with a girl.

Like, it was.

So, this is all new to you.

This is your first gay stuff that's ever happened.

Oh, yeah.

This is like two and a half years ago at this point.

This is six months after I was on the podcast last time.

Yeah, you were on years ago.

I remember you.

Something's different, though, right?

You have facial hair.

You have long hair.

Oh, no, same look.

Same look.

I got a podcast now, though.

Nobody cares about that.

Trust me, it's the illustrious podcast.

You're making people leave, Sternworm.

Please do not promote your podcast.

Stop, relax, relax.

Let's get back to this becoming gay all of a sudden thing because it sounds like a lot of fun.

We help William out.

Okay, you go right ahead.

Do you help our friend William out?

There you go.

Yeah, I heard.

I was cracking.

I heard what that whole thing was about.

Call back to five minutes ago.

Okay, so let's stick with it here, Sternworm.

So where did you get this lap dance from a guy?

Where did you possibly get it?

I went to a gay club.

Okay.

Where were you at?

Jersey.

Jersey.

Meh.

Okay.

What was the name of the gay club?

Did it have a cool gay name?

I don't want to, I don't know whether they're supposed to be doing that in there.

So I don't want to air out the name of it.

You don't want to get in trouble with your local gay club?

No, like I don't know whether that's supposed to be going on in there.

So I just a lap dance?

Yeah, I mean, it was a dude that worked there.

It was like a go-go dancer.

Uh-huh.

Man.

It was arousing.

I think same-gender lap dancers are arousing.

Okay.

But that was your first one.

That was my first one.

So that happens, and then you get on, you sign up for a gay gay dating app.

Oh, yeah.

Okay, and then what happened?

Like I said, instantly, like, I even have a picture up.

Instantly, I'm getting a million messages saying, I'll suck your dick right now.

And did you take these people up?

I took one of them up on the offer.

It was.

No, you go ahead.

It was.

No, I was.

It was like, I didn't even get hard.

It was the same problem when I tried to hook up with chicks back in the day.

It's just when you were under pressure, it's just tough to get.

aroused

like back in the day when uh kill tony was at the comedy store yeah when it was at the comedy store, there was a man dudes who used to always say that they don't come during sex.

That's not a real thing for guys.

If you're turned on, you come unless you, unless you purposely don't come.

But they weren't not coming.

They just weren't getting turned on.

You're like a rapper that doesn't rhyme.

I could rhyme, though.

No, no, no, no, no.

Nobody wants that.

Do you have a gay voice or is that how you talk to these guys?

No, this is how much.

Shout out to everybody.

Hey, sorry, I just can't get hog right now.

That's a good old Jersey gay.

So where did this attempted blowjob happen?

The one that you couldn't get hard for?

You go to his place.

It was a parking lot.

A parking lot.

Man, you just do gay stuff in inappropriate places.

Have you ever done anything gay where gay stuff should happen?

Like a bedroom?

I gave, a week later, I gave a guy head in his bedroom.

I don't fucking care.

I'm out here, yo.

Like, if you sexually suppress, then you're less attractive to girls.

Like, do I think I don't like girls?

Nah, I do think I like girls, but am I fucked up in the head sexually?

Yeah, I've been fucked up and head sexually for 20 years.

I've been checked out of the game.

I just tried to be a rapper.

It didn't work out.

FK juice.

This is why we've got to stop with the goddamn vaccines.

Yeah.

Yo, they got my water out there.

Can I get it?

Hey, hey, Tony, could I plug something really nicely?

I just want to tell everybody my Christmas album, RFK's Rockin' Christmas, is dropping tomorrow at 9.30.

I sing all the classics like

hold on.

I want to clear it.

Go ahead, RFK.

Yeah.

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Jack Frost nipping at your nose, a son of a bitch.

Come, they told me, pom-pom, pom-pom-pom,

pom-pom-pom-pom, pom-pom-pom-pum.

Sit back around the fire with your family and enjoy RFK Jr.'s rocking Christmas.

Where can people find this?

Where can people find RFK Jr.'s rocking Christmas?

Silent night.

Holy

night.

God damn it.

I'll probably, I don't know, Walmart or something.

So, Stern Worm, you were going to say something.

Two things.

I got a water back there.

Could I get it?

Heidi was going to bring it to me if you need water right now.

Yeah, yeah, my mouth is very dry.

Okay, yes.

Thanks.

And then the other thing, thanks.

And then the other thing is, I've an OnlyFans.

It's a free OnlyFans.

I started it like two years ago.

What are you doing on this OnlyFans?

Who wants to sign up for an OnlyFans where the the dude can't even get hard no no i show videos how i could actually get hard when when i'm not feeling pressure and i show videos when it's all shriveled up i jerk off it i jerk okay sturmworm this is out of control have you written any comedy in the years that we haven't seen you i've been working so hard on my podcast that i have been doing comedy but i have i have a zillion comedy minutes like i have i have 15 three minutes you have a zillion of them and you came out tonight just talking about whatever the fuck that was.

Yeah, I mean, to me, I think that shit's funny.

I know it's not like joke, joke, funny, but like, to me, like, it's not like haha funny.

I think it is, but I mean, I guess I have no, no sense of humor.

I have a podcast episode called I Have No Sense of Humor, but I'm okay.

All right, sturmworm.

Well, it's been a while since you've been on this show.

You know,

this cool company, I'm going to give them a shout out called

Ghostpatch Custom at ghostpatchcustom.com sent us these.

It's hard to describe, but it's like an iron missile.

And it says, I bombed on Kill Tony.

And I'm going to throw this.

You're going to catch it?

Catch it with your ass.

There you go.

There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

And it has begun to go.

No chance to wrap up.

No chance.

There he goes.

I can't spit.

A verse?

One verse?

You could copy all one verse.

No, stir more, everybody.

There he goes.

Stirm.

Did you have one in mind or something?

Did you plan for that?

I mean, what's up?

Did you prepare to rap or something?

Yeah, of course I did.

I'm a rapper.

I mean, I think that's what you did years ago.

Yeah, you didn't know I rapped.

It's been years.

Please

so good.

Okay, here he is.

Give him a little beep.

Sturmworm's gonna rap real quick.

A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

Please to the sun shine brighter after rain.

I started writing rhymes so that I could share my pain.

No matter where you're from, man, shit could get real.

I was told the sky is blue, I see it more as teal.

Stuck in a slump, can't seem to find a groove.

Catch me out here chasing dreams, trying to make moves.

Can't fuck my life every day, being screwed.

I gotta win, cause so far, all I've done is lose.

Lately, all right, sturmworm.

There you go, sturmworm, everybody.

Jesus Christ.

Oh my god, made everybody's flaccid.

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Hello, Nigel here.

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Take Zyzole at night.

Users Directed starts working in 45 minutes.

We got another bucket pull.

You guys ready for another comedian?

60 seconds uninterrupted going to Sam Henderson, everybody.

This looks like a new name, Sam Henderson.

I really just really miss being a kid just because

you were young and dumb.

You didn't have to have it all figured out.

When I was a kid, I thought

I thought the word pedophile was someone who loved feet.

And it really shouldn't have been a problem, but my dad was a podiatrist.

I told my whole fifth grade class, when I grow up, I want to be a pedophile like my dad.

Cool, you guys like that?

Cool.

Cool.

I saw a pretty interesting stat online the other day.

I don't know if you guys know this.

Apparently, conservative men consume the most trans porn.

I thought it was an odd way to find out I'm a conservative.

All right, thank you guys.

There you go.

Sam Henderson.

Getting a joke there in in the end.

Hello, Sam.

How long you been doing stand-up?

I'm pretty new, man.

Like a year and a half.

Okay, where at?

Where you been doing it?

Lexington, Kentucky.

Lexington, Kentucky.

Okay.

Is that where you live now, or did you move here?

No, I live in Lexington, still.

Okay.

Has anyone ever told you that you look like a full-size version of the mayor of

the fucking

Munchkins?

You remember that guy?

I don't know.

You ever seen that?

Look him up on your safari there, right, Van.

You're going to see what I mean.

This is actually quite incredible.

Mayor of Munchkin Land.

That's what I was thinking of.

Munchkin Land.

Look at him.

Look at that.

I'm pretty spot on here.

Anyway, it doesn't matter.

It's more of a big fan of

Munchkin Land joke.

I guess.

All right.

How old are you, Sam?

27.

What do you do for work?

I work for an ice company.

Oh, yeah.

What do you do for the ice company?

I like drive a truck, deliver ice.

Okay.

All right.

The back is very cold.

17 degrees.

Wow.

Wow.

How long have you been delivering ice for?

About eight years.

Wow.

Amazing.

What's the most exciting thing that's happened to you while delivering ice?

I was in a gas station once while I got robbed.

You got robbed?

I didn't get robbed, no.

It got robbed.

The Wawa got robbed in Philly.

Wah, what?

Amazing.

You were in Philly?

Yeah, I was working out of town in Philly.

Okay.

You were delivering ice in Philadelphia.

Yeah, we have like a bunch of plants around the country move around.

And what happened?

What were you doing?

I was putting ice in the ice box.

Did you try to stop the robbery?

Did you open a bag and put it at the door so that they slip and fall or something?

I've been watching all the Home Alones recently, and

I'm thinking about pranking people.

You didn't contribute or help at all then?

No, no, I sat down like a little bitch.

There you go.

So what type of childhood did you have in Lexington, Kentucky?

I grew up in Jacksonville, Florida.

I was a pastor's kid growing up.

A what?

Pastor's kid growing up.

Pretty easy childhood.

Uh-huh.

Played soccer.

It's pretty standard.

Yeah.

What's the most exciting thing about your life, Sam Henderson?

Most exciting thing about my life, I speak Spanish.

Wow.

Might not be awesome.

That's a big deal in Lexington, Kentucky.

You might be the only person in Kentucky that speaks Spanish.

That's absolutely incredible.

Can you give us a little example of your Spanish?

Can you say something

that perhaps the band could understand, the horn players over there.

Yeah.

Soy gringo, pero stoy el prendiendo español.

No, no.

Wow, listen to those.

No croquet soy fluente, but

conversacional.

But yo say que tonia sun maricón.

Oh, you son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

Tu no bueno at la comética.

How about that, you piece of shit

I love it Sam what's your love life like you're in Kentucky you banging your relative

I wish

what's going on

I'm single right now

gotta have a relationship beginning of the year

just been doing my thing trying to do comedy I've been kind of planning on moving here so I haven't been trying to get into any relationship or anything so yeah you don't wanna you don't wanna you definitely wanna not hook up with anybody just in case if you ever have to move Boston, Texas.

Listen, dude, it's not completely dry, but I don't know.

I'm too emotional to always hook up with people like that.

When you say you're too emotional, give us an example of what you mean by that.

It's just like after I finish immediately, I just feel disgusting.

It may be that the girls aren't hot enough.

It may be that, but it's really, I don't know.

I'm like, don't touch me.

I want to leave right now.

Do you do you have any tricks to get away or have them get away from you?

Is there anything that you've said or done right after sex to get rid of the opposing girls?

No, dude, I'm not mean enough.

I just sit there in despair.

You just feel disgusting.

Yeah.

Usually it's better if it's at their house.

You can just get up and leave.

Yeah.

I feel you, brother.

Fuck.

When I know Cheryl wants to make love, I have a panic attack.

I worry I can't finish, you know.

Guys know this after about six months, it's really hard to finish.

You know, you've got to find things in your life, you know, that you can take to the bedroom and fantasize.

Take, for example, me right now.

I've been having some fantasies about this woman in the front row, and I feel horrible about it, but I can take that with me and hopefully finish later

so try that my friend there's a little health advice from the great I love you

I love you

RFK Jr.

giving you some really good advice there

Sam I'm gonna give you one of these little joke books congratulations you made it on kill Tony

There he goes, Sam Henderson, everybody.

This is fun.

You having fun, RFK?

No way.

Yeah.

Sorry, Tony.

I have to apologize because I, you know, I'm doing my amends and secrets keep us sick.

And I want to apologize to this woman for sexualizing her like that.

The whole time he was talking, I was having a fantasy and

it's just not right.

And I apologize.

She was laying on a bed in my mind,

not clothed at all.

And I was above her and I just, Louis C.

Kate all over her.

And

I just want to say I'm sorry to you.

It's beautiful.

Beautiful.

The new Director of Health.

Is that the title?

Director of Health.

Unfortunately, the fantasy didn't stop there, Tony.

I then brought her into a tub to clean off my mess.

And I was massaging her breasts, of course.

began to get aroused again.

I thought, god damn it, RFK.

Can you just, this is someone's daughter, god damn it.

But I, but I couldn't help myself, and I apologize to you, miss.

Wow.

Oh, she says you're forgiven.

Well, you may not when you hear about the rest of my fantasy.

You see, no, please, please, just let me finish and please don't laugh.

This is, I'm trying to make amends here, and secrets do keep us sick.

Then what happened was, in my fantasy, of course, she had asked me to tuck my genitalia down under myself so I looked like a lady in the front.

And then she said that I looked like a pretty girl, which, of course, brought a tear to my eye because it was something I always wanted to hear.

And then, of course, she came from behind me and kicked me in the nutsack and I ejaculated immediately.

By the way,

I'll be right back.

I have to change.

I'll be right back.

RFK Jr., ladies and gentlemen, says he has to go change.

That's very interesting.

Gotta love it.

I wonder if there's a microphone back there, and he's gonna keep telling us about the fantasy.

All right.

Pulled another name out of the bucket.

We're gonna keep the fun train moving along.

This looks like another new name.

Make some noise for Joe Barnholt, everybody.

Joe Barnholt.

Somebody outside told me I look like I play in a Weezer cover band.

So that's cool.

You guys, I got married?

Oh, thank you so much.

I appreciate that.

Then I got divorced.

Hey, there's always a little bigger tear for that one.

Statistically, that makes a lot of sense.

So don't cry for me, though.

I got the house in Tahoe and the divorce.

And by that, I mean I live in my Chevy.

My ex and I are actually still good friends.

Turns out she's a lesbian.

Not saying that like a vindictive man, like she's actually a lesbian.

And people ask me, Joe, was there any indication, anything that would have told you she's a lesbian?

And aside from the fact that I'm a giant pussy and she ate me alive?

Cannot say that there was any indication.

On a completely unrelated note, did you guys know that scissoring really hurts your balls?

Like

a lot.

You guys, I told that joke in Birmingham, Alabama, and a guy yelled out, you're doing it wrong.

Way more progressive down there than I was giving him credit for.

Thank you guys.

My name is Joe Barnholt.

Appreciate it.

Joe Barnholt, wait a minute.

Hi, Joe.

Hey, how's it going?

Good.

Welcome, welcome.

How long were you married?

I'm married for five years.

We actually signed our paper on our fifth year anniversary.

And you were surprised when you found out she was a lesbian?

She started turning into a witch towards the end of our marriage.

In what way?

Self-identify.

Incense and

moon water.

She was calling herself a witch.

Yes, yes.

Wow.

Yeah.

Absolutely incredible.

To say I was shocked would be a little bit of an overstatement.

You didn't think there was something lesbian-esque about her when she married a Rachel Mad Owl Impressionist.

You should see me when I'm clean shaven.

I'm

very lesbianesque.

Amazing.

So how did she break the news to you that she was interested in women?

She actually came clean to me because she was worried that a neighbor had seen her new partner coming through and she wanted it to come from her rather than coming from a third-party source.

So she reached out to me and was like, hey, I need to confess I'm dating someone and I went, oh, that's cool.

And she went, it's a a woman.

And I went, Oh,

we never had a threesome.

That's unfortunate.

Yeah.

Did you try to work it out and try to have that happen?

Did you pitch that idea?

No, we were kind of at the friend zone at that point in time.

Our marriage had, you know,

become devolved into friendships.

Right.

So no kids.

No kids.

No.

Kid-free.

Right.

And she slowly became a witch.

Yes.

Did that bother you at all?

It's a witch sound effect.

Great sound effect.

The rarely used witch sound effect.

Yeah, Red Dan has been

lingering his finger over that button for 13 and a half years, just waiting for an opportunity.

That's not the sound they make when you finger a witch.

That's a goblin laugh.

I know a goblin laugh when I hear it.

There you go.

Okay.

So what do you do for work?

I do comedy and music full-time.

What kind of music do you do?

Comedy music.

And I'm in a band that does full-band hip-hop.

In a band that does what?

Full band hip-hop?

Full band hip-hop.

Yeah.

What do you do in the band?

I play guitar.

I do rhythm and a little bit of vocals.

A little bit of vocals?

Yes.

You do comedy hip-hop.

No, well, so my comedy songs are all over the place.

I do a song about Jesus.

I just wrote a song about fucking Santa.

Okay, can we hear some of your fucking Santa songs?

Are you going to tell the band what to do?

Sure, yeah.

They're actual professional

musicians, so if you just tell them um so it's it's uh man what's the style it's just uh starts on g

the one the four the five um and then that uh god you're turning us all into lesbians right now this is so incredible it's a slow song

Yeah, if you got a guitar, I can play it for you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, we do have the guest guitar.

There's the lovely Heidi.

Man, I literally with a guitar,

we're gonna plug it on in.

You gotta put it on

This is incredible.

He reminds me of Colt Colt that this is like you colt come up here stand next to this guy take your take your hoodie and your hat off real quick.

We're gonna do a little do a little experiment see which one is which

Yeah, give me some of that colt music.

Look at that everybody.

Hey, look at that

Look at this Just stand up there next to him like you guys are conjoined twins.

I just want you to stand there with him.

No, leave the hat off, Colt.

Leave the hat off.

Very good.

There you go.

Yeah, it's perfect.

All right.

Here we go.

That's the spirit.

A G to the one to the two to the fifth, and here we go.

Hey,

here we go.

We're gonna go.

Colt's just.

I love you, Santa.

You're on the way.

It's almost Christmas,

and you're dressed in a sleigh

Put me on the nice list you're good little boy, but we could be naughty if you bring me toys.

Oh Santa

Come fill me with joy

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Yes

RFK Jr.'s rocking Christmas.

available now.

Some kids want presents, I just want your sack.

I left out cookies and milk for you, Santa.

But can I be your snack, my polar bear, Santa?

Wow, amazing.

You give me pause.

Santa, the shepherd boy to the mic.

What'd you say, RFK Jr.?

Shavi Shepherd Boy.

Go ahead.

Let's do a duet.

Keep going.

Let's do a duet.

My voice blends well with other voices, so let's try this.

There's Santa.

You're a polar bear.

You're fucking queer.

Go ahead.

I'll follow the changes.

I'll try me, boy.

Oh, man.

I was not prepared for that.

This is your big break, Dewey.

I know, I know.

Oh, my God.

Show us what you got.

You can do it, Rachel.

Perfect.

Shave your beard, Santa.

Yeah, shave your beard, you son of a bitch.

My name's Mrs.

Claws.

Yeah,

ugly old whore.

Slide down my chimney.

It's my fantasy.

Oh, no step, Santa.

I'm stuck in the tree.

Santa.

Come bring it to me.

Yeah.

Get RFK's rocking Christmas tomorrow afternoon.

joe barn hole with a little music with the lovely colt backing him up his twin brother thank you colt

and amazing harmonies by the great rfk jr

amazing stuff drinking fermented owl piss

i thought it was I forgot, I thought it was Mountain Dew.

You really got to prepare before you put owl urine in your mouth.

Just

a heads up, RFK Jr.

is promoting kyledunagan.com.

He's on tour.

Kyledunagan.com.

That's D-U-N-N-I-G-A-N.com.

Important to know.

Sometimes we have these people come on, like Dr.

Phil promotes Adam Ray.

It's exciting to have RFK Jr.

promoting Kyle Dunnegan.

I love it.

You guys could promote anything in the world, and instead you take care of good, amazing comedians, free speech.

This Kyle Dunnegan, you've met him before.

He's a friend of mine.

Fantastic.

He does like a lot of puppet work.

And he juggles, too.

Go see Kyle Dunne.

He actually just juggles the puppets.

He doesn't actually

mouth them at all.

They just fly through the air.

He was here this weekend.

He was fantastic.

KyleDunagan.com for tour tickets.

One of the funniest people on planet Earth.

Joe, what is the most interesting, craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your life?

My band has played Red Rocks.

Okay.

So that's like your biggest accomplishment.

How did you guys sell tickets for that?

Are you guys famous?

So, well, we're pretty well known in the Denver music scene, and we got the opportunity to play before they do a movie on the rocks where they show a film and

what was the movie

Top Gun Maverick.

So open

for Tom Cruise.

Wow.

Which is sweet.

Amazing.

Amazing.

A lot of people open for Tom Cruise.

Yeah.

All right, Joe.

Well,

okay.

You did pretty decent.

All right.

Did you do you did good, right?

Here's a big joke book.

Take one of these.

There he goes, Joe Barnholt.

Thank you.

Let's get one more bucket pull up here.

Then we'll get a regular.

Alright, ladies and gentlemen, this looks like another new name.

Exciting stuff.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Simon Perkovich.

Simon Perkovich.

How you feeling, guys?

Are you feeling guys?

I know Tony is.

Anyway, I am 11 months sober

From marijuana

Yeah, look at that.

Nobody's happy for me anymore.

People are like boo

That's only cuz you hear the good stuff, you know, they never talk about the negatives like you notice that it makes you stop dreaming You have you noticed this of course not.

You're toasted right now Big dreamer right here.

Guys, I'm from Colorado.

What if, like, my whole state isn't dreaming?

What if Martin Luther King Jr.

was from Colorado?

He would have never had that dream, dude.

We would be peeing in different bathrooms.

The marches, they would have never happened.

Would he ever hit the doobie and think, guys, let's go on a hunger strike?

All right, everyone, shut up, shut up, shut up.

No, seriously, shut up.

Pussy.

All right.

Okay, Simon Perkovich, ladies and gentlemen.

Hi, Simon.

Welcome.

Hi.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

I've been dabbling for three years, but I'd say I've been doing it for like a month.

Okay, and that's in Colorado?

Yeah, Telluride.

Nice.

Okay, what do you do for a living?

I was trying.

I was a bartender, and I'm trying to be a farmer.

Marijuana?

Yeah, I wish.

Oh.

No, you can do that where I'm from, but you can't really do that here anymore, can you?

Unless if you're doing that weird Delta 8 stuff, right?

I get I don't really know the industry that well.

I just buy it and smoke it.

No, but I like organic stuff.

Like I've worked on a mushroom farm, apple farm, all kinds of stuff.

Okay.

It sounds very healthy.

Are you a healthy guy?

I try to be healthy.

It's kind of tough when you move to a new city and you're not connected to farm stuff.

Mostly you do eat healthy.

Yeah, I think so.

It's guilty pleasure for for you.

What's something that you eat that's unhealthy?

Guilty pleasure.

I love doughnuts, like voodoo donuts down the way.

Kind of been fucking me up lately.

Yeah, how has it been fucking you up?

Well, so I live in a van, and I gotta find a...

What?

That's not funny.

Shut up.

Nobody laughed.

You're right.

You can't just be like, hey, stop.

That's not funny.

But like, everyone was just completely silent.

He's dreaming.

Yeah.

I just, I wish they would laugh.

Dreaming of donuts over here.

But no, like, I got to find a place to piss in the morning.

So I'm walking down, and it's always voodoo donuts.

And like, I'm trying, you know, to eat healthy, like you said.

But if you get, you know, I feel guilty just going in and asking to use the bathroom.

So I got to get like at least three or four.

You eat three or four donuts daily.

Yeah.

RFK Jr., what do we think about three or four daily donuts?

Well,

it depends what kind you're talking.

What sort of donut are you talking about?

That's a good question.

Are there certain donuts?

Yeah, there's definitely a bunch.

They make actually a delicious bison donut by me and those are actually quite healthy.

By the way, here I have some kangaroo meat.

If you want to take a bite off that, you actually have kangaroo meat?

Kangaroo meat.

It's really high in vitamin Q if anybody's interested in trying.

All right.

Nice.

Something about RFK Jr.,

I don't even laugh.

I go directly to cracking the fuck up.

It's pretty, pretty special.

I can't believe my hero is on stage right now.

I've never been vaccinated.

And like

my mom.

You're like my mom's biggest hero, too.

All right.

I like to hear that.

Have you tried any owl urine?

This

cures measles, mumps, and I'm hoping herpes.

Please God.

Please God.

Take away the itch.

Holy shit.

So Simon,

what do you do for fun?

What's a guy that you out in Telluride do for fun?

Well, Intelluride, it's skiing, snowboarding, whitewater rafting.

Yeah, I do all these things.

But here, I've been two-stepping.

Oh, really?

Yeah.

You just never see blacks.

Right?

I mean, when do you.

They come for one festival in Telluride.

It's called Blues and Brews, and they're all on stage, and we're just staring at them.

Wow.

Wow.

Blues and bruise?

Yeah, like beer.

Oh, I expected it to be B-R-U-I-S-E

because they beat up people.

Okay.

I want to see this two-step.

How many of you think we should see him two-step?

One, two,

one, two, three, four.

Wow, it's a giant.

It's a giant woman you're dancing with.

Whoa.

Rudolph the Red Snows reindeer

had a very shiny toes.

Hey, God queer.

And if you ever saw him,

you would even say it close.

All of the other reindeer

used to laugh

I'm gonna kick him in the goddamn head.

I am having

I am having so much fun right now.

Oh my god

Yeah, it's real hard to stepping alone.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Obviously, it's also hard doing comedy alone when you're you.

So, Simon, Simon, Simon, what's your love life like up in Telluride?

Uh, Telluride, nothing.

Here, I had a girlfriend, and she.

So, wait, you moved here?

Yeah.

Okay, I must have missed that.

How long ago?

Uh, like a month ago.

Okay.

Halloween.

You had a girlfriend here already?

Yeah, I jumped into these things real quick.

How'd that go?

Um,

not great.

Huh?

I, uh, she two-stepped right out of my life.

Yeah.

And,

yeah, actually,

I was going to call her today and kind of say, hey, we can still be friends.

Did she tell you why she left you?

No.

No.

Can you tell why?

Can you tell why?

Yeah.

Why?

Just basically how I am.

I'm like, I'm awkward and I get too attached to.

You did?

Can you give an example of how you got too attached to this woman?

And how soon after you guys started hanging out did you get attached?

Oh, instantly.

But I was trying to to play it off.

Yeah, so give me some time.

Well, I always rush into these things because, like,

it's kind of a trick to get that.

Like, if someone cares about you, it's really easy to care about yourself.

But then, like, when that person leaves, like, I'm supposed to still care about myself.

I fucking don't.

But, like, you know, when I mean take care of yourself, I mean, like, clean my room.

Because someone will come see it.

I thought you lived in a van.

It is a van.

Well, okay, my room is my van.

Why do you say yoke like that?

Like, it's your fucking van.

You're saying it like...

There's room in it.

You call it your room?

You didn't say I need to clean my van.

You call it a room?

Yeah, it's my living room.

Wow.

That's amazing.

And it's like, it's a bus.

It's big.

Uh-huh.

All right.

Well, okay.

So did you what what did you say that or do that was so clingy?

Um right after I got on kill tony the first time you've been on before yeah i was here like three or four weeks ago holy

you you made me talk about having lichen sclerosis which by the way i've admitted to like my parents and then you and everybody in the world okay um

yeah did you look different a few weeks ago i had a beard okay that'll do it yeah

Here's a little joke book, Simon.

Congratulations.

You've been pulled out of the bucket twice in a month.

new icy hot nighttime recovery relieves pain at nighttime while your body recovers icy hot you're so back

yo this is important man uh my favorite lululemon shorts the ones you got me back in the day i think they're called pacebreakers the ones with all the pockets i just got back from vacation and i left them in my hotel room and dude i need to replace these shorts i wear them like three times a week could you send me the link to where you got them oh also my birthday's coming up soon so anyways thanks, bro.

Talk soon.

Looking for your newest go-to's?

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Every Tuesday.

Head to Lululemon.com to shop What's New Gear?

There you go.

A freak of nature out there touring, selling out absolutely everywhere.

Truly one of the fastest growing comics in the world.

This is a brand new minute from the one and only the great and powerful.

This is Cam Patterson

So I'm still trying to do like the acting thing or whatnot and I had like audition for a role a couple weeks ago and I it was for a drug dealer.

So right on time, right?

So I thought I had it in the bag and then I got there and there was a lady with a camera and a gay dude right and we was reading our lines and shit and he was reading the whip me but he was reading the lines as my girlfriend.

That's crazy, right?

So I'm saying my lines and whatnot.

I'm like a bitch here go to drugs and then his line is oh my gosh I love you so much

and every time he said that I laughed because that's funny right like what the fuck and he'll be like you got to be more serious I'd be like no problem he said again and I laugh again and I'm gonna tell you something.

I should get that role man because I was that was fucking great acting dog.

He had no idea I was homophobic.

You understand?

And if you think I'm deadass, I'm not homophobic.

I have no problem with gay people.

I have gays in my family.

I don't talk to them, but

they're in my family.

I tell you that much.

Have my time.

There it goes.

There it is, exactly a minute.

RFK Jr.

Tony, I haven't looked to my right yet.

Is it a black guy?

It is.

It's a y'all.

Oh, my God.

Oh, that would be so racist.

Who you thought it was?

I don't know.

I just wanted to make sure.

You the dude with the health shit?

You be doing health and shit?

I do the health shit.

Hell yeah.

That's good.

That is his official title.

The health shit.

The health shit.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

That's hard, man.

How about another hand for the great Cam Patterson coming out?

Getting some of the biggest pops of the night.

Big pops of laughter.

It was fun, man.

Hell yeah.

It's all happening.

Hell yeah.

You really went on an audition for that?

Yeah, no, no, well, yeah, I did.

Yeah, I was already in L.A.

doing shit.

Yeah.

You know what I'm saying?

And so, yeah.

But it was funny.

I'm not going to get the part at all, but it was funny.

Yeah.

I got a joke out of it.

Yeah, you did.

That's all that matters.

See?

Well worth it.

And you still might get the role.

Hopefully.

Was it for like a big thing?

Yeah, it's pretty big.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Sounds about right.

A rising star.

What's that under under your hat tonight

nothing there's something there no it's not yeah huh there's a little something is that it is that it what we call is that a do rag

whoa oh my goodness

it's like you're like a black genie oh my goodness whoa whoa

Wow

Wow.

What's up?

Oh, it's you.

It's you.

I got really scared for a second.

It's a ski mag because it's cold and shit be cold outside.

And I ain't got no haircut.

So it helped with my hairline and shit like that.

Hell yeah.

A lot of people don't have that problem because y'all don't have y'all hair don't.

You feel what I'm saying?

You get what I'm saying?

Help, nigga.

Right?

Yeah, go for it.

The help nigga get what I'm saying.

That's right, my answer.

Hell yeah.

This is good, man.

Hell yeah.

This is nice.

I feel ya.

Hell yeah.

R.F.K.

Jr., a true politician, able to talk to any type of person.

You, the one with the worm in your brain,

type shit.

Hell yeah, that's hard.

It's good, man.

Hell yeah.

It's fun.

So, what's going on under there?

It looks like

some stuff like happening underneath.

Under my head?

Yeah.

Why, like, I didn't get a haircut in a minute, so my hair looked crazy.

Okay.

Yeah.

So, fuck no, bitch.

Wow.

No.

Hell no.

My goodness.

I'll take it off for $200.

Whoa, $200,

lady.

Bitch.

Do you have the money, white bitch?

Nope, she says no.

She does not have the money.

Shocker.

So what else is going on, Cam?

I was in Rochester, New York this weekend.

Yeah, that place is fucking terrible.

It is terrible.

It's so interesting to me.

You and William.

You were in Rochester.

He was in Buffalo.

Truly, as I've said so many times before, absolutely two of the worst places in the United States of America.

Upstate New York is the worst.

Yeah, man.

They had this shit out there called a garbage plate, and it was just like, it's exactly what you think it is, a bunch of bullshit on the plate.

Puerto Rican food.

Oh,

shut up.

Come on.

Shut up.

The Puerto Ricans.

Exactly.

Oh, extra.

Tony makes another joke about Puerto Rico.

Extra.

When did you get that?

That's a new one.

Got a button.

Wow, you got a few new ones.

First time the soundboard has changed in seven and a half years.

For those of you keeping track, very exciting.

What else do you have there that's new?

Anything else good?

No?

Nothing.

Nothing that you're proud of there.

Never heard of them.

And don't want to to hear of them.

Oh, I just got it.

I just understood what that was.

That's funny.

That is

so funny.

Fuck you get glasses from?

He always had glasses?

Sorry, I'm distracting.

I was sending a dick pic to a journalist.

I love it.

So, Cam, what were we talking about?

Rochester?

Garbage plate.

Yo, yeah, garbage plate.

Ass, nigga, it's terrible.

It's, it's, uh,

it was, uh, it, it was, it made me mad because they really stood by that bullshit.

And it was me, Jolly, and my other homeboy Jar, who was all there.

My cameraman is white.

I got a white cameraman.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Reparations, you know what I'm saying?

White people out of shit like that.

I'm a good person.

You feel what I'm saying?

One of the good ones.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what?

What?

oh i'm sorry i'm sorry

so i got a white cameraman right and we opened all our we opened our food up and it was the garbage place in front of us and my cameraman just went y'all want to be slaves so bad that's how that's how terrible the food was looked like slave food it was terrible wow it was god awful made me upset i wanted to kill those people yeah people was cool though the food was god awful dog freezing cold up there it was cold as yeah it was cool i like the cold now man i'm a I'm a real travel person.

You know what I'm saying?

I'd be all around the world.

I be seeing snow and shit like that.

It don't even phase me no more.

Yeah.

I just see snow and I go, that's snow, pussy.

And I keep moving.

That's right.

Well, I've been around the world now.

Thanks to you, Tony.

I appreciate that, brother.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

All around the world.

Always writing, always working.

A non-stop, fucking undeniable machine.

Hell yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Cam Patterson is your brother.

Another new minute amazing sometimes how the people that do it every week

You know this has been a real sausage fest.

Come on.

Yeah, we're gonna see what happens next.

This is a one-word name anything could happen could be a boy could be a girl ladies and gentlemen make some noise for law L-A-W.

It's law everybody

So when I was in high school, girls would play this game called Fuck, Marry, Kill.

And it's like where you make a list on who do you rather fuck, marry, or kill.

And one time this girl made a list of me,

Shrek,

and the donkey from Shrek.

Yeah, guess who got killed?

The girl who made the list.

Yeah, so my cousin, my cousin just came out as gay on Facebook

because I have his password

I remember one time my girlfriend and I were having sex and she kept saying, is it in yet?

And as a man, that's not something you want to hear.

When you're fisting your girlfriend.

Appreciate Law, ladies and gentlemen.

What up?

The Kill Tony debut of Law.

What's good, brother?

Wow.

Very impressive.

Welcome, welcome.

Thanks for having me, man.

man.

This is the first time I've seen your stand-up, but I have seen you around here.

You work here at the mothership now.

I do.

Amazing stuff.

Adam knows how to pick them.

Amazing.

Do you sign up for the show often?

I mean, yeah, when I'm working, yeah, I'll be chilling.

I love it.

I love it.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Four years.

Four years.

Where at?

Baltimore, Maryland.

And you moved here how long ago?

Like six months ago.

Six months ago.

Yeah.

You love it here?

Oh, it's great, man.

So many white bitches.

Yeah, there's a lot of them.

I didn't like them at first, but now I do.

Yeah.

Why didn't you like them at first?

What do you prefer?

What's the pluses and minuses of the white bitches?

Racism?

No,

white bitches, the pros, it's just a cultural thing.

You know, Baltimore, all the white bitches do heroin.

So,

yeah, out here, it's just like ecstasy and shit.

So

it's pretty chill.

The cons,

yeah, their dads hate me.

Right.

Yeah.

So that makes sense.

I feel like I'm a lovable guy.

You are.

Appreciate you.

Yeah, I could see that.

You're extremely likable.

Your delivery is incredible.

Writing, execution, fucking everything amazing.

Thanks, man.

What have you been doing for work up until this point?

I was a middle school special education teacher.

Whoa.

You could hear all the white women going

all at once.

They really all hit that note.

Yes, sir.

Amazing.

What was that like for you?

Oh, it sucked.

Yeah.

It was terrible.

I mean,

I did it in, it was in Baltimore, so it was just chaos.

Yeah.

You know, it's hard to teach a kid after he's called you a negative.

You know what I mean?

Right.

It's pretty difficult.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But I had to do it.

Yeah.

You know?

I taught that kid about slavery and everything.

Yeah.

They're allowed to call you that in that type of school, right?

Unfortunately, yes.

Yeah.

Yes.

That would have been fun.

Well, but you can't.

Yeah.

We can restrain them, though.

So like I had to, I had to like learn different holds to restrain a kid.

Yeah.

So like I did get a couple of licks in him.

Hell yeah.

Absolutely.

Were there any special ones that stood out to you?

Oh man.

Oh yes.

Yeah.

I mean I'm not going to say his name I guess.

Right.

His name was Wayne.

And

it was this this chunky ass white kid.

And uh

I mean obviously he was he was racist, but he like loved me.

So, all of the races would come towards me.

So, he would get into these things called like crises, to where, like, he would just flip the table

and you know, he'd hit all the kids, throw the desks,

and then he'd say the N-word, and he'd be like, See, you're making me racist.

I don't think this guy had any mental problems whatsoever.

Yeah, it was

it was it was it was tough, you know.

But at the end of the day, I mean he he loved like cops, like police officers.

Yeah, they all do.

Yeah.

We, we, we.

Yeah, it's just the lights on the car.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And so we would just bring in a police officer at the end of the day, and he would just be chilling with Wayne.

Yeah.

And then I get to leave.

You left him with the police officer?

Oh, yeah.

You know,

you could teach the cops and stuff, I guess.

Or they could teach him.

You know, Tony, I hate to interrupt this, but I'm getting a little...

What did you say your name was?

His name?

Your name.

Law?

Law, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I just, I don't, I probably shouldn't tell this story, but um.

I was in Da Nang about eight clicks out of Saigon and I was helping this girl across the border.

Her name was Law, and I haven't thought about her in years.

Anyway, she stepped on a landmine and it

blew her into two pieces, and it was like a chicken when she kept walking as two separate beings.

And she came to me like, Help!

And I pushed her together, but it was too late.

But, anyways, it was a funny set.

Oh my goodness.

Law.

So being raised,

being raised in Baltimore, you were around a lot of black men, right?

Yeah.

And your name is Law, L-A-W.

So did a lot of those guys try to break you?

Because I hear that they love breaking.

Black men breaking me?

Breaking laws.

Black men love love breaking laws.

Your name is Law.

I got nervous at first.

Oh, John Dees is booing my black men breaking laws joke.

Okay.

Looks like I'll have to run for office next year.

I thought it was smart.

I've never met a black guy named Law before, but all right.

Welcome.

Huh?

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

That's me.

Do you have any hobbies or anything like that other than stand-up comedy?

Anything that you're interested in?

Yeah, I mean, I read a lot of books.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What kind of books?

All right.

So

I guess urban fiction.

What exactly is that?

Like Tales from the Hood?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

So it's it's like this author called Donald Goines.

So, you know, a hood nigga.

And uh.

My type of person.

Yeah.

So he has this novel.

It's called Whore Son.

So it's about, like, a prostitute, like a mom, and she gives birth to a son.

And she's like, well, I'm a whore, and that's my son.

So we're going to call him Whoreson Jones.

This is a real book.

Like, I'm.

So, and, like, so pretty much.

He just becomes like a

pimp.

Is this erotic fiction that you're reading?

Like, is this like?

I mean, if you like hidden women and stuff like that.

Is this like

and it's about black people?

Yeah, he's like a pimp.

Is there a special like black library that you go to or something, somewhere where you just take the books and don't check them out?

You just leave with them or something like that.

You should just steal the books.

Yeah, it's like it's like a one-shelf in Barnes and Noble

with all the security cameras for it.

It's worth saying.

Yeah.

Law, I am positive.

You're so funny.

I just know it.

Adam has the best eye for talent here.

And if you work here and if you have multiple minutes, anything like that minute that you did, what's the longest set you've ever done before?

25 minutes.

What's the biggest audience you've ever performed in front of before?

Biggest audience.

About how many people?

Just ballpark it.

Probably like 500.

Very cool.

Would you like like to do a minute on december 30th live from the h eb center in arena sold out already

it'll be the new biggest audience you've performed in front of by absolutely thousands and thousands of people appreciate it i would love to have you on the secret show thursday if you can i'm in there and of course you're getting a big joke book

That's it the total package.

He's performing in an arena appreciate appreciate it law ladies and gentlemen

Be on the lookout for this guy.

That is, that's funny.

That guy's funny.

All right, we're moving back to the bucket, everybody.

You guys still having fun out there?

Oh, shit.

One of Kid Rock's ex-girlfriends is going to the bathroom.

There she goes.

All right.

Another one-word name.

Back-to-back.

Make some noise for Taja or Taija.

Taja.

How y'all doing?

How the rest of y'all doing?

Good, good.

Now y'all look good, man.

It's a very diverse room

of white people.

Now, white people make some noise.

All right, black people make some noise.

Don't make no more noise, bitch.

That shit was crazy, nigga.

Nah, nah, look, okay, okay.

Let me get into it, man.

I just went bowling with my grandfather, man.

70 years old.

We can give it up for that.

We can give it up for that.

Yeah, yeah.

He whooped my ass, though.

Beat the shit out of me.

After he beat me, he got in my face.

He said, that's how you bowl, nigga.

My granddad's white, by the way.

Like that, like my racist granddad.

He looked like you, nigga.

I ain't gonna lie.

Nah, man, I am biracial, though.

I grew up with a white dad, and it's crazy.

He used to make me do yard work all the time.

Some shit just don't feel right.

You know what I'm saying?

No,

he used to say, no, you need to make sure that y'all look nice so people don't think we white trash.

I was like, we?

They gonna think I'm a slave, boy.

You gotta.

All right, that's my time.

Thank y'all.

My name's Said.

Okay.

Taja.

Am I saying that right?

Tajay.

Tajay.

T-A-I-J-A.

That's a tough one.

Everybody mispronounces that one, right?

Oh, God.

I knew a girl.

Never mind.

Oh, I want to know.

I want to.

Oh, come on.

Don't hold back.

Now.

Not as tame as the last story.

Well,

the one where you put a person split in two back together.

It's worse than that one, and I'd rather not say it.

All right, Tony, it's a comedy shotgun.

Tajay, Tajay.

Well,

so you're half white.

What's the other half exactly?

Black is here.

Just straight up black.

Just straight black, straight black.

Interesting.

Interesting.

Ethiopian?

Nah, nigga, just like...

Do you get that a lot?

Nah.

I get a lot of like miscellaneous shit, though.

Like,

Michelanian.

Yeah, yeah.

And star.

Michelanian?

Miscellaneous?

I'm saying that right, right?

Now you are.

Yeah, yeah.

I'm saying it right, nigga.

You fixed it.

You said Michelanian twice.

Miscellaneous.

Yep.

Okay, yeah, yeah.

We there.

We there.

I love it.

We there.

Okay, so

just regular black and white.

Dad's white, mom's black.

Are they still together?

Hell no.

Why not?

My mama, crazy, bro.

She just a crazy bitch, but she crazy.

I love her, but she crazy.

I love it.

Tell me more about your crazy black mother.

She got a she got multiple sclerosis.

Y'all know what that is?

Yeah, but I think she's lying, though.

That's the thing.

I think I don't think she's being for real.

Because she likes to smoke.

So when she got it, she got a weed card, her little license, or whatever.

And yeah, I think she's lying, man.

I do think she's lying.

My dad's reasonably crazier, though.

Hey, tell us about your crazy white.

He got three baby mamas.

Yeah, yeah, I said baby mamas.

So they all black.

They're all black.

Wow.

He smoked black and mouse.

Wow.

This is a white guy.

Yeah, really white.

He kind of looked like Red Band, just a little bit.

That's a white guy.

Y'all think I'm bullshit, nigga.

No cap?

No cap.

No cap on God, nigga.

Bet.

What's his name?

Like Roger or something?

Does he have a white cap?

Harley.

Harley?

Like a.

Yeah.

What is it?

Oh.

What the fuck is that, nigga?

That's amazing.

Yeah, he's incredible.

What does he do for a living?

He's a realtor.

Really?

He sells real estate.

Yeah.

And he's got three black baby mamas.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

This is absolutely incredible.

RFK.

Who is the one with the MS?

Is that my mama?

All right.

I want you to do something because I can cure this.

All right, listen.

No, I'm being, I want you to give her this.

It looks like a lifesaver, but it's not.

This is dehydrated bat cum.

It's, it's got, no, it's,

that's all you need to do.

Just have it.

She'll be as good as gold in the morning.

Real nigga.

All right.

Yep.

So, what do you do for a living?

I'm an electrician, but I ain't working right now.

Really?

You know how to electric?

Yeah, I know how to do that shit.

Yeah.

You know.

Where'd you learn that at?

School?

Trade school.

Trade school, yeah.

Yeah.

What do you do for fun?

For some hobbies other than stand-up comedy.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I've been eating a lot of pussy with my shoes on.

Okay, that makes sense.

You look like Britney Griner, so that makes sense.

Eating pussy with your shoes on.

Is there a reason why you leave your shoes on?

Nigga, because if it tastes bad, I can walk right out of that motherfucker.

I ain't bullshit, nigga.

Right.

And if it smells bad, it's definitely not your feet.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I guess, yeah.

Indeed, sometimes the taste of pussy is so terrible that I cannot even take the time to put my shoes on.

I must have them on already.

I'm just like you, Taja.

Tajay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tajay.

Ta.

Jay.

Tajay.

I'm going to write it like I sound it out.

Taj shit.

Okay, how many times have you eaten a pussy in which you would need your shoes on to immediately evacuate the premises in a timely, unbelievably timely manner?

And how many licks does it take before you realize it's too many, before it's too, not good enough for you?

It happens pretty fast, because like you can notice soon as you pull the pants down that shit'll just hit you

you know what i'm saying yeah i ain't like i ain't eat bad pussy before

yeah but that seems like it happens a lot for you to leave your shoes on by default

have you ever have you ever taken everything off except for your shoes no that'll be really black

that's super black i wouldn't do that that is super black

yeah that is super black because black people in porns leave their socks and sometimes their shoes on sometimes their shoes you ever watch porno with blacks red band.

Yeah, only the black women though not black guys.

There you go.

He has to make it look like he's

super straight

Can't even have guys in my porn.

It's just women on women on women

black women get like you know from behind.

It's so good.

What what from behind?

I want to know if you can even guess what happens in a porno with women

Okay.

I do have a girlfriend though.

You do have a girlfriend, and you take your shoes off for her.

Nah, her pussy smells good, nigga.

Right.

Yeah.

That's what I'm saying.

So it's shoes off.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You're comfortable.

Yeah.

Okay.

How long have you been with this girl?

About five years.

What does she do?

She actually is in school to be a gynecologist.

Wow.

Yeah.

Yeah.

That's amazing.

Does she ever teach you any of the cool things that she learns?

Nah, no, I don't think so.

Wow.

It's a totally unnecessary profession, but okay, good.

You just need to eat wheatgrass, ladies.

Just have wheatgrass every three days.

You're fine.

Wheatgrass would make gynecologists completely obsolete.

Bad cum.

I don't want a bad cum.

It's for your mother.

It's for your mother's multiple sclerosises.

You're right, you're right.

Wrap it in wheatgrass.

I love it.

Tajay,

you have any

special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy?

You ever been good at anything?

Yeah, I play a little bit of guitar, a small bit of guitar.

Really?

Yeah, that's my wife's side.

Really?

He comes out.

When's the last time you played guitar?

Do you own a guitar?

Two weeks ago, I own three guitars.

You own three guitars?

I want to see this guy play guitar.

Heidi, can we get the guitar out here?

This has been a music-heavy episode.

Can you put it in drop D?

I'll put it in drop D.

Don't worry about it.

Yeah, drop D.

What the hell?

Jesus Christ, Cheryl Hill, right?

Dragon?

Drop D.

Andy needs a pick.

Give him a hair pick, somebody.

How does that not get a bigger?

You guys have have any black friends out there

can i get a pick a hair pick nothing from these people like why would he need a hair pick tony why would i why would they possibly ever want a hair pick

jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way

the homers of the play hey jingle bell

An amazing rendition of jingle bells from

the first nigga to play guitar.

Never mind, never mind.

First black nigga I can see that can play guitar.

We go.

No, we've had black guitar players on before.

Madison Square Garden and whatnot, but

you are the first half black to play guitar.

Half black.

I forgot to tell you, my girlfriend is Puerto Rican, Tony.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, yeah.

Did she vote this election?

No, no, no, but she heard about the incident.

Yeah, what did she have to say?

She wasn't even mad, nigga.

She wasn't mad at all.

Seems she's dating a comedian.

He's called you the N-word like five times.

Yeah, I think we're probably gonna.

Did you do something about it?

No.

Give me the word, Tony.

I'll take care of it.

She wasn't mad.

She's got a good sense of humor.

Yeah, she says she loves gay guys.

She loves them, what?

Very good.

You know who.

Hey, watch it, pal.

all the Puerto Ricans have a great sense of humor.

A little fun fact.

One of the highest rankings of senses of humors of all the races.

I've studied this.

She has a good sense of humor, right?

Yeah, yeah, she's a good girl.

She got a big gynaecologist, man.

Yeah.

Seeing dirty pussy out there, you got to be able to keep your spirits high, nigga.

She keeps her shoes on the whole time, right?

Here and there, here and there.

All right, Tajay.

Very fun stuff.

You got through it.

It took you 30 seconds to start your first joke after the whole diverse thing, but keep signing up.

We want you to do it again.

And maybe we have something.

No medium ones.

We do have delicious watermelon Zippix toothpicks.

But they're not just watermelon, they're peppermint watermelon.

It's a mix.

A perfect nicotine toothpick for a half-white, half-black comedian.

Peppermint watermelon, Zippix nicotine toothpicks, plus a little joke book.

There he goes.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of Tajay.

Peppermint watermelon.

You can't even make it up.

Brought to you by Zippix.

Zip more, smoke less.

For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

We may need to change that jingle.

Prices and participation may vary.

Trip planner by Expedia.

You were made to outdo your holiday,

your hammocking,

and your pooling.

We were made to help organize the competition.

Expedia, made to travel.

All right, another name out of the bucket.

Make some noise for Rick

Schneuer.

Rick Schneuer, everybody.

Rick Schnoyer.

Oh my god, wait wait a second.

Hold on.

Hold on.

Hold on, Rick.

Hold on a second.

There's chaos amongst us.

Ladies and gentlemen, kill Tony legend.

Let the bodies hit the floor.

One of the biggest legends in the history of the show.

We haven't seen him since Skank Fest.

This is Ari Shraveer, everybody!

Oh

my god.

Oh, he has arrived.

More evil than ever.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Shut the fuck up.

I was in the back for a while.

I just used to see ethnic comic after ethnic comic.

And whoever the fuck you are, probably.

It's another one.

one.

Ain't a single goddamn Jew on this show, Tony.

It's been 16 months since that fateful day on October 7th, and they still haven't brought the hostages home, and you guys aren't doing a goddamn thing about it.

You're looking at RFK Jr.

right now, Robbie.

What's your plan?

Good to see you.

Yeah, it's good to see you, too.

What are you going to do about fentanyl, buddy?

I'm really worried about it.

No, it's not a big deal.

Overblow.

Sick.

I'm going to party.

I'll see you guys later.

Thank you very much.

You're not going to hang out, Ari?

It's just another fucking 20 or 30 minutes or so.

Oh, I got shit to do today.

What?

Today it's 10 p.m.

Ari.

Fuck.

I mean, you're wearing the perfect shirt.

Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen, joining the fray.

We're just about to watch this guy do an uninterrupted 60 seconds.

How are you feeling?

You ready for it?

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

It's time.

I'm sorry to interrupt.

That was my sword.

It's all good.

It's all good.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to do it all together.

How about one more time for Rick Schneer, everybody?

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, so I was in the HEP parking lot the other day, and I almost got hit by that thing.

I forget what it's called, but it's kind of like the human centipede, except for shopping carts.

Oh, the train.

The train of shopping carts.

Yeah, I'm just minding my own business, and all of a sudden, a train ran on me.

Pain of my ass, you know?

I don't know.

A train would be a lot.

Give me a threesome, though, any day.

Specifically, one with two girls.

I feel like a threesome with a dude.

It's kind of like going to a diner and you order a sandwich and you get a big pickle on the side with it.

It's like, I didn't ask for the pickle, I don't really want the pickle there

because now it's going to get his taste all over the thing that I want to eat.

All right, thanks, everybody.

Rick

Neuer.

Hello, Rick.

Welcome.

How are you?

What did you lead with H-E-B?

Yeah, you know where we are, right?

What do you mean by that exactly?

By Texas?

Yeah, in Texas, yeah.

Okay.

What ethnicity are you?

By the looks of your nose, I'm guessing you're Ari Shafir.

Oh,

I'm actually German and Croatian.

Oh, wow.

That is the opposite of what I would have guessed.

Look at you, though.

Amazing.

Amazing.

How long you been doing stand-up?

Like off and on, four years.

When you say off and on, mostly off, I'm guessing.

By the way that minute went, why off so much?

You know, I just have other stuff to do.

No, I don't know.

And I don't know what other stuff you would do.

When I did this, I threw myself in seven days a week, absolutely obsessed every single night, forever, for years.

So I don't know.

What do you mean by that other stuff to do?

Well, I would go to like open mics maybe once a month.

So why would you?

So what, what?

That's like practicing guitar once a month.

True, true.

Okay.

So do you love it?

Like, well, who, why?

It's something that I was very passionate about.

That you are very passionate about?

What, not committing to something?

Passion is failure?

Yeah, yeah.

I'm looking forward to the part where I'm just like, I quit.

I'm kind of confused.

I'm trying to understand.

Why would you only do it once a month if you're passionate about it?

Oh, it was just always like a dream of mine.

i would have loved to got like an hour special or something like that it was just a cool thing to do you thought you were going to get an hour special just out of nowhere how do you no those that was like my uh optimistic like take on it or my goal

this doesn't make any sense at all all right

uh what do you do for work oh um i actually didn't want to talk about work because i don't want to get fired Okay, all right.

This is you didn't want to do comedy?

You don't want to do an interview?

No, I'll talk to you about anything else.

What field of work do you live work in?

Biology.

Are you good at it?

I mean, I'm actually biological myself.

So.

What does that mean?

Oh, God.

Are you a child predator?

Still waiting.

Wow.

Okay.

Can you tell us anything interesting about your entire life before I get you out of here in a record-setting-length interview?

Yeah, sure.

So I'm from Pennsylvania originally.

Unbelievable.

Amazing.

Wow.

That's pretty you and that's pretty, that's pretty cool.

Yeah, it's you and

crushing it right now.

I didn't think you had it in you, but you really stepped it up.

Incredible.

You and the comeback story of the year with that Pennsylvania story.

Man, I fucking dug down deep.

You're a real Doug Floody.

Yeah, exactly.

I ask anything interesting about you.

You have a quick answer.

Yes, I'm one of the 9 million people from Pennsylvania.

Oh, well,

I wanted to say that I spent maybe three years living out on the west coast.

So that was like California, Oregon.

Like living out in my car and stuff.

What were you doing during that?

I did some seasonal jobs and I was

like, rolled.

Like what kind of seasonal jobs?

What do you do?

So I worked in the Stanislaw National Forest.

What did you do in the National Forest?

I just like hiked around.

Hiked around.

Amazing.

I got to tell you,

you might be one of them.

Truly, the most boring fucking human beings that's ever signed up for the show.

Absolutely incredible.

I wish you the best of luck in the world of biology.

Well, you do work in biology.

Do you have any questions for RFK Jr.?

He's written many, many books

about science and whatnot, medical biology perhaps biology one could even say what do you think was the hardest dichotomous key that you had to use

can you say that

goddamn word that that oh your mouth

i would like to introduce you all though to my cricket

this is actually these are very good pets if anybody

They have the most protein pound per pound of any animal.

This is little Marilyn Monroe, I call her.

Because if you stroke her enough, she squirts.

Anyway, I'm not hurting her.

I'm not hurting her.

I just got her right here.

She's all right.

She's all right.

Rick Schneer, here's a little joke book.

There you go.

There you go.

Hold your applause.

Yeah.

I wanted to get a woman out of the bucket, so I pulled until I found a woman.

The great RFK Jr.

said this has been a sausage fest.

I totally agree.

Here we go.

Some female energies coming our way.

This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted.

And I do believe perhaps the Kill Tony debut of Jamie Lee Simmons, everybody.

Here we go.

What's up?

I'm Jamie.

Feel like I look like Arielle if she collected vibrators instead of forks.

Thanks, guys.

Despite how I look, I do love my dad.

You know, I love my dad so much we share a one-bedroom apartment together.

I hear some of your reactions.

I see your faces.

You're like, how does she do that?

Fuck my dad.

No, that's crazy.

Perverts, all of you.

No, it's easy.

I stay in the master bedroom.

My dad stays on the mantle.

Yeah, I'll let that sink in.

Oh, you guys thought I had red hair and a dad?

Come on.

No, I have an OnlyFans.

R.I.P., he's proud.

I would sell my voice just to hear my dad say I love you one last time.

All right, thanks, guys.

I'm Jamie.

Jamie Lee Simmons.

Welcome, welcome, Jamie.

Thanks for having me.

How long have you been with stand-up?

About two and a half years.

Where at?

I started in Boston, then went to Miami, and now I'm here.

Boston, Miami, Austin.

Very cool.

I love it.

What do you do for work?

Podcasts, right?

Yes, Yes, I have a podcast, Two Girls, One Blunt.

Full time.

Full time.

What's it called?

Two Girls, One Blunt.

It's about weed, right?

Yeah.

Good observation.

Ari Shafir, taking note.

I love it, Jamie.

How's Austin been treating you?

I love it here.

It's great.

What do you love about Austin?

I love the music.

I love how nice everybody is.

They are nice here.

Yeah.

It is incredible.

I love the dating scene.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How's that going for you?

It's going great.

Hanging out with musicians.

Yeah, men are actually responding back.

Yeah.

It's a good thing.

Testosterone.

Oh, because in Miami, you're ugly.

Yeah,

I'm a Miami 4.

He's not wrong.

He's not wrong.

I'm the one they don't let in the club.

That is so ahry.

It's okay.

It'll hit on me after the show.

It's fine.

That is true.

He definitely will.

Or he'll look up my OnlyFans.

I don't know.

Yeah.

Is your OnlyFans Jamie Lee Simmons?

Nope.

Oh,

I'll let him find it.

All right.

It's the topless comic.

Okay.

You do comedy topless on your OnlyFans?

That's how I started.

Yeah, I would do like topless open mic comedy.

It was terrible and I was fat.

And somehow I made a lot of money doing it.

So here we are, living the dream.

It's amazing.

My dad is proud.

It's so cool to think guys would sign up for your OnlyFans and watch you do stand-up topless.

Did anybody

not mute it?

You know,

I didn't ask.

I love it.

Jamie, what are you afraid of?

What scares you?

Sometimes I ask people, what scares them?

What scares me?

Yeah, you like have a quirky fear of something.

Oh, I have like a rational fear, and I don't know what this is.

Maybe it was a past life.

But I'm terrified of sleeping on my back, because I think when I'm sleeping on my back, someone's going to stab me directly through the nipple.

And that would make my topless comedy pretty hard.

Yeah, that would.

Yeah, yeah.

But then again, there's guys that are into that RFK.

Does the carpet match your vagina?

All right.

We were all thinking that.

I don't think that's exactly how the saying goes.

He's trying.

I love it.

Jamie,

what did make you go with that color hair?

That is an interesting color.

Very Ronald McDonald.

You know, I think what what every girl does when they go through a breakup right ladies we dye our hair we do something we can control you went through a big breakup recently no this was like in 2020 oh just I went through a breakup that night starred in OnlyFans dyed my hair red

I was feeling a lot of things yeah okay how long were you with that guy for

not long

I didn't say I was mentally well, guys, okay?

You could have got that from the comedy.

That makes sense.

What are you into, like hobby-wise, when you're not doing stand-up or something like that?

Anything else wild?

Yeah,

well, I just stay home with my four cats.

Four cats?

Yeah, why go anywhere when I can stay at the Pussy Palace, you know?

Four cats.

Four cats.

Did you move here with four cats?

I did.

Did you live in Miami the whole time with four cats?

I did.

Did you live in Boston the whole time with four cats?

I had two.

So when you moved to Miami, you got two more.

Yeah, break up, cat.

You know, so it goes.

goes.

I'm a good time.

Yooling has six cats.

What the fuck?

Are you fucking kidding me?

Oh

my God, you fucking creepozoid.

Six motherfucking cats.

You have six cats?

Yep.

What are their names?

Mochi Jones, Mr.

Brown, Pear.

Esmeralda, Nodi, and Bookie.

Bookie!

Wow.

Bookie's a sweetheart.

Absolutely incredible.

I'll talk to you after the show.

If you two got into a relationship, you'd have 10 cats.

It sounds like a family.

I should have to convince my wife of that.

Well,

I've always wanted a dad, so.

Imagine that household.

Imagine that household.

Just 10 cats, a husband, a wife, and a mentally ill, topless comedian.

Oh, and two daughters.

You have kids?

You didn't know that?

You have kids?

You have six cats and two daughters?

Jesus Christ, Matt Muelling.

We need to have a conversation sometime.

Let's hang out, bro.

I didn't know any of this about you.

We should grab a coffee sometime or something that we'll do.

We've been working together every Monday for years.

This is absolutely wild.

Six cats, you have two daughters?

Yeah, man.

One of them's 16.

What?

Are you fucking serious?

What's your only you have a you have a

Where's your sound effect?

Red man, where's your victory sound?

There it is

16 year old.

You have a 16 year old cat or a daughter?

16 year old daughter.

Wow, how old's the other daughter?

12.

Oh my god.

How old are the cats?

A couple of them are like eight.

Wow.

That's a hundred years of pussy.

Incredible.

You have a century's worth of leave your shoes on pussy at your house.

Amazing.

Jamie Lee Simmons.

So you've been sexually active while here in Austin, Texas?

Not really.

No, I've just been going on dates.

Okay.

I need those papers.

What's the most fun?

Wait, what kind of papers do you need?

STD ones.

Oh, you know?

Yeah.

Make sure that they're clean.

Make sure they're good.

Okay.

How do you tell a guy?

So on a date.

Yeah, I go, you want to fuck?

Get tested.

It's really easy.

And if they're like into you, they'll get tested.

And then they, what, like, they hit you up like a week later, like, hey, what's up?

Jesus Christ.

I really need to fucking come.

Oh, my God.

I'm freaking out.

Alcohol is worn off.

Jesus.

Yeah.

Rerpey's free at the bottom of this glass.

Oh, my.

Chug, chug, chug.

RFK Jr.

might be one of the greatest guests in the history of this show.

Oh, he chugged it.

Oh, my God.

He's ready.

USA.

USA!

USA!

Oh my God.

This is incredible.

I've actually got an allergy to cats, and I don't know what to do about it.

And

if anyone has any advice,

you have an allergy to cats,

and you also have full-blown herpes.

This is quite the conundrum.

This will never work between us.

So sometimes guys, like, they go get tested, and like a week later, they're whatever, they hit you up and they're like hey, I'm clean.

Well, it's somebody I've been like going out with for a while like on multiple dates.

Now we're at that point.

So you check the papers.

Yes.

And then you have unprotected sex with them.

I mean that would be crazy to make them wear a condom at that point, right?

Yeah.

You're good, you're good, we're all good.

So let me ask you this.

They show you the papers, then you have sex with them, right?

And then after that, you'll basically have sex with them anytime they want, right?

Or do you have them retest between before every...

Well, well?

I'm like, yeah, hopefully, I'm fucking someone I trust, and then they're like, Hey, I hoped I was someone I'm gonna get tested before we sleep together.

That's the right thing to do.

Why is that foreign?

Do you still trust guys after buying four cats?

And

yeah, I trust men.

You know, there's a temple.

You can download a template online, though, for you, like you just fill in your name and it looks like you have a positive, like or a negative

Red band.

That's what he does.

I know who's making my next clean STD test.

I never thought of that.

I love it.

Jamie Lee Simmons.

Very funny.

I'll love to have you on the secret show.

Oh, my God.

Here you go.

Here's the big joke, Buck.

The great Jamie Lee Simmons has made her Kill Tony debut.

Let's get one more bucket pull up here.

And then we're going to put a big ribbon on this thing make some noise one minute uninterrupted for andrew renaud everybody andrew renal

here we go

oh one more time for andrew everybody hello hello

thank you for having me

um

it's my birthday today if you can believe that

so

I was gonna try to grease the wheels a little bit and tell everybody it was my birthday when I signed up but I had to let

karma, I had to let karma work its way out, and I can't believe I'm the last bucket bull for tonight.

I only have one joke prepared, and it's about Michael Lehrer.

We could all just bow our heads for a minute.

I'm Ugly Jesus, sorry.

So it'll be about a year since Michael passed soon.

Actually, the first time I ever signed up was on the night that he was supposed to do assisted suicide.

That was

Halloween two years ago, I think.

And then he didn't do it.

And I blame him because this is the joke that I had prepared.

In honor of Michael Lehrer's life, I want to take all of his performances and I want to press them to vinyl.

And if you want the authentic experience, you just listen to him at 33 speed.

That super long drone.

But if you want to hear him tell his jokes at a regular cadence, just play it at 78.

That's my joke.

Okay, well, in honor of Michael Lehrer, there was a long moment of silence silence at your, what should have been.

There was no way this was going to go well.

It's okay.

How are you, Andrew?

This is your first time doing stand-up?

It is.

Hell yeah.

Yes.

How old are you?

51 today.

51 today.

Happy birthday, my friend.

Hold on.

Hold on.

We're pretty much the same age, and you look like shit.

Yeah, what's been going on?

What have you been doing these 51 years?

I did a full career in the Navy.

Okay.

That's where it comes from.

So a lot of time in submarines?

No.

Surface ships.

Okay.

Why do you look like old Navy?

I am old Navy.

You do.

When you had the hat on, you looked like both Curious George and the owner.

It is hot in here.

It is hot in here.

Would you like me to put the hat back on?

Sure.

I think it creates a little bit more likability.

There you go.

Yeah, I know.

I come across as a jerk, and that's what I know is going to make this super hard for me.

Okay.

You're like if somebody mushed Jack Black and Kyle Gass together and took out all the comedy.

Okay.

What's the funniest thing you think you've ever done before?

Funniest thing.

You ever like pull a prank on the other Navy guys or something?

Well, it's a super long story, so it'd be really...

Eh, let's save it.

Here's a big joke book, just because it's your birthday.

Congratulations.

There he goes.

Andrew Renaud, I love that you paid tribute to Michael Lair.

That's cool.

The first ever member of the Kiltoni Hall of Fame, the late, great Michael Lair.

We love him and always will, one of my old, great best friends.

Thank you.

There he goes.

Michael Renaud, everybody.

And now, with that said, it's time to get back to comedy, ladies and gentlemen.

And with a show that started with William Montgomery, I think there's only one way to end an episode like this.

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad that there is one of the members of the new presidential administration on this panel because this young man, RFK, this young man is a guy who I'm really hoping we can speed up the citizenship process for.

We need this guy to become an American.

But right now, he is simply an Estonian assassin.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from the great Ari Matty.

Hello.

I have a confession to make.

I eat

ass.

I'm tired of hiding it, ladies.

Don't hide your asshole.

My tongue is going up that

ass.

If you're a lady with a guy who doesn't eat your ass, what's wrong?

A little poo-poo on your mouth.

A little poo-poo.

Gay boy?

I don't give a fuck.

I remember when the research came out, they were like, it's official, squirt this piss.

I was at home, like, I guess I'm a toilet.

I don't give a fuck.

Every liquid you ladies make, I want in my mouth as soon as possible.

Anyone on their period, save the tampon.

I want to make some tea later.

Thank you.

Ari Matty has done it again.

Add it.

Add it to the compilation, ladies and gentlemen.

Absolutely incredible.

You have done it again.

Every liquid a lady makes.

How about tears?

Would you take tears in your mouth?

Everything, everything, everything.

i tony when i die it's my will when i die mummify me in used panties

rfk jr knows a lot about human liquids and whatnot what do you think about all this you sir are never getting into this country

Doesn't eating ass have some kind of vitamin or nutrients or something?

I mean, you do bring up a pretty good point there, Tony, but

the way he's eating ass, I could tell by how he's doing it all wrong.

I noticed you've been squeezing your cricket while saying all this.

Marilyn Monroe?

You named it Marilyn Monroe?

Told you that.

Your ear is jackass.

This is little Marilyn Monroe.

And when you stroke her, she squirts.

That's why I called her little Marilyn Monroe.

My father, a story my father told me.

Anyway.

She is.

Oh, I mean, there's so much protein, this little one.

They're good pets, but one day I will consume her.

And

don't worry, Marilyn, it'll be days from now, which is thousands of years for them.

So it's all good.

Oh.

Ari, how's life been?

What have you been up to?

Amazing.

I've been chilling.

I did the Adam Ray show.

I was so nervous before it, but turns out Kiltoni fans, they love me.

Yeah, they really do.

I also, I did the next night.

He was in San Diego.

You were in Phoenix, Arizona.

Yeah, nobody had a fight during my set.

Yeah, it was perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed in my entire life.

I was in San Diego complimenting how great burritos are in San Diego.

I don't know what's going on.

I just cannot stay away from trouble lately.

I talk about how great the burritos are in San Francisco.

At the same time, I also say that the Mexican food overall is better in Texas.

And they start booing.

I go, I've lived there for four years and I lived here in California for about 20 years.

I know what the fuck I'm talking about.

They just keep booing based on principle.

I tell them, you people have never left San Diego.

Your parents live here.

You were raised here.

They all laughed because that's true.

And then one guy in the front goes, this little guy, he's like, excuse me, like this, because it's California.

And we wanted it, me and Adam wanted to hear what he had.

Dr.

Phil wanted to hear what he had to say.

And so he goes, actually, the burrito was invented in San Francisco in 1975, which is like the dumbest, dumbest, gayest thing ever humanly possible.

And the crowd was just in a ruckus.

There was something about this guy saying San Francisco invented the burrito.

Me saying that Texas has better Mexican food.

All the Latinos were having so much fun.

There was one angry, fat white woman, as always, right on cue.

Just a psych simple case of psychology.

This is a woman that eats, eats, eats, eats, eats, right?

Consumes, consumes, consumes, consumes, consumes, and then has to

blather dumb shit out of her face because, you know, there's got to be an opposite reaction.

And so she started a fistfight with women around her that were like, shut up, bitch, stop yelling.

Because she was yelling.

She's like, everyone, don't worry.

She went for a choke.

I saw that video.

Yeah, it was absolutely insane.

Nothing makes any sense anymore.

Fat women have got out of control in this country.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's so obvious you haven't hit women in a while.

It's unbelievable, it's unbelievable

that the only person that caused any ruckus during my political thing was a fat white woman.

I mean, it is just right on cue,

Robert.

What'd you say about hitting white women?

A fat woman?

I heard you muttering over there.

Yeah,

just quietly agreeing.

Anything else going on, Ari?

Also in that video, you know, she grabbed the girl's throat and the guy stood there.

I think

I felt a reason to.

If you grab my girl's throat, it's over.

You fat piece of shit getting headkicked.

The girl that was being grabbed was also really chill about it.

She was like, She was super chill.

And if you notice, the guy next to her, who's the

girl whose neck is getting grabbed, is like like laughing and pointing at the lady like that which leads me to believe that his girl who literally matched the exact it was like they were grabbing each other's jugulars I think that she had training of some kind and the boyfriend's just like you don't want to fucking do this fat stupid bitch yes

And like they were, they were literally enjoying themselves.

It was absolutely incredible.

They had a great old time.

There was no victim other than the fucking whiny lady that was mad about everything.

The pig is red band just signified by that snorting sound effect.

I'm just acknowledging the animal that he was doing an impression of.

I was just yawning.

Oh, yeah.

Ari Matty, another unbelievable set.

That's how you fucking do it.

The regulars tonight.

Absolutely incredible.

Future American citizen Ari Matty.

I got to tell you guys, for the love of God, kyledunagan.com.

Get fucking tickets.

See this guy on tour.

Absolutely destroyed all weekend.

This is the

plug that RFK Jr.

was interested in.

He's a big Kyle Dunne fan.

How about how loud can this place get for the great RFK Jr.?

I mean,

wow.

I don't know about you guys.

I don't know.

If it translated to your homes halfway as hard as it made me laugh i was fucking dying tonight he was just guest of the year huh i i would i would venture to say without a doubt he's in the running for guest of the year ari shafir he was just muttering in character the whole time off bike just going wrong wrong

search

hysteric very hard to host this type of show where i literally just want to fall back in my chair laughing the whole time i have to somehow keep it together ari shafir what's going on you're in town all week, huh?

I'm in town all week.

I'm just hanging out in Austin.

Oh, we're going to have so much fun.

It's a cool town.

I've been selling some good honky-tonks today.

Yeah.

Slide guitar.

Yeah.

I'm so excited.

They got a new special coming out, January 14th.

Hell yeah, January 14th.

What's it called?

It's called America's Sweetheart because that's what I am.

Oh, my goodness.

That's adorable.

Thank you.

Ari Shafir.

Show you guys my pubes.

Oh, my goodness.

I'm done with that.

I'm done with that.

New league.

check that out on Netflix.

Kyledunagan.com.

He's on tour.

You saw it here tonight.

Let him know you came from the Kill Tony universe.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E.

Belt is in.

Let's see what Chris Rogers has.

Oh, my God.

Is that little baby Tony?

No, baby Tony.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

That's adorable.

Wow.

That's the cutest thing ever.

Look at that.

My hairline wasn't that big when I was a baby.

But

mustache was

That is adorable.

How about a hand for Chris Rogers?

Chris Rogers art

Zippix toothpicks and again another big shout out to the amazing people over at Ghost Patch Custom.

They make a bunch of stuff patches pins poker chips decals badges coins Bunch of stuff.

Check them out ghostpatch custom.com.

Send some traffic their way.

These amazing I bombed it kill Tony torpedoes are absolutely unbelievable.

It's all run by police officers, former police officers, so that's cool.

Thank you so much for coming out, everybody.

Red Band, love you guys.

We love you.

Thank you.

Good night, everybody.