#697 - RFK JR + ARI SHAFFIR

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 2 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts.

Speaker 1 Check out TonyHenchcliffe.com for everything the golden pony, Tony Henchcliffe.

Speaker 2 You can also check out shopsquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 4 The uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st.

Speaker 4 You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world.

Speaker 4 Snuggle up, stay warm, December 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored Kill Tony's live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas. This is a new super annual, amazing event.

Speaker 4 It is our biggest two-night event of the year, and we're super excited about it. It is on sale now.
KillTonylive.com. Get it for your loved ones.
Get it for yourself. Love it or hate it.

Speaker 6 Live,

Speaker 7 December 30th and 31st.

Speaker 3 Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Camp Downing.

Speaker 11 Get up, Ratoni!

Speaker 13 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 15 Thanks so much for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. gentlemen.

Speaker 16 Keep it going for the best damn band in all the land.

Speaker 18 That's the Kill Tony band.

Speaker 19 The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 22 Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa on the horns. Matt

Speaker 24 Muelling on the electric guitar.

Speaker 26 John Dee's on the keys.

Speaker 27 And the great and powerful D-Madness on the bass guitar, everybody.

Speaker 27 Having fun in here tonight. Feels electric.

Speaker 30 before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible

Speaker 31 the sunset strip comedy club in austin texas is now open check out red band's secret show every thursday go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets

Speaker 32 I'm Scott Hanson, host of NFL Red Zone. Lowe's knows Sundays are for football.
That's why we're here to help you get your next DIY project done, even when the clock isn't on your side.

Speaker 32 Whether that's a new Filtrite filter or Bosch and Cobalt power tools, Lowe's has everything you need to feel like the MVP of DIY.

Speaker 33 So get it done and earn your Sunday.

Speaker 21 Shop now in store and online.

Speaker 32 Lowe's, official partner of the NFL.

Speaker 34 Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

Speaker 39 I lit the fuse and my life turns everything it wasn't supposed to be.

Speaker 40 He's going the distance.

Speaker 41 He was the highest paid TV star of all time.

Speaker 7 When it started to change, it was queer.

Speaker 41 He kept saying, no, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Speaker 44 Now, Charlie's sober.

Speaker 36 He's going to tell you the truth.

Speaker 39 How do I present this with any class?

Speaker 36 I think we're past that, Charlie.

Speaker 39 We're past that, yeah.

Speaker 31 Somebody call action.

Speaker 7 Aka Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

Speaker 7 Go further with the American Express Business Gold Card. Earn three times membership rewards points on flights and prepaid hotels when you book through Amevel.com.

Speaker 7 Whether your destination is a business conference or a client meeting, your purchases will help you earn more points for future trips. Experience more on your travels with Amex Business Gold.

Speaker 46 Terms apply.

Speaker 7 Learn more at AmericanExpress.com/slash business dash gold. Amex Business Gold Card.
Build for business by American Express.

Speaker 23 Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Speaker 22 Well, here we go.

Speaker 47 This is going to be fun.

Speaker 30 Ladies and gentlemen, we have one guest tonight and one guest only, and I couldn't be more excited about it.

Speaker 51 One of my favorite human beings on planet Earth, one of the funniest people I know.

Speaker 53 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

Speaker 55 for the great, the powerful.

Speaker 3 This is RFK Jr.

Speaker 56 Wow, live and in the flesh.

Speaker 56 Good to see you again.

Speaker 57 The great.

Speaker 58 Great to see you, Tony.

Speaker 52 I'm so glad you're here, RFK Jr.

Speaker 60 You're one of my favorite people.

Speaker 58 I should probably say that

Speaker 61 I can't stay too long.

Speaker 61 I have a German shepherd slow roasting on my grill, and I have to attend to him. But I'll be here for most of the show.

Speaker 53 I'm very excited to have you.

Speaker 3 You've actually been on this show before at the LA Forum.

Speaker 3 You did a minute.

Speaker 49 Your wife Cheryl came out.

Speaker 35 How's Cheryl going?

Speaker 62 Who's that?

Speaker 66 Yeah.

Speaker 46 So you know how it works.

Speaker 68 And indeed, there is a bucket.

Speaker 69 I don't know how many sign-ups are usually about two, oh, 2:32 tonight.

Speaker 70 Okay.

Speaker 49 There's some people missing.

Speaker 37 Maybe home for the holidays or something.

Speaker 48 232 human beings signed up tonight inside of this bucket.

Speaker 74 Absolutely anything can happen.

Speaker 75 If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds.

Speaker 49 You know, their time is up, and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Speaker 30 I'm gonna let this lucky human in the front pick the first name.

Speaker 49 Hand it off to me.

Speaker 48 You don't have to read it, sir.

Speaker 80 It's okay.

Speaker 81 There you go.

Speaker 82 Oh, okay. That's actually a familiar name.

Speaker 29 We've seen that before.

Speaker 55 We're going to go wrangle that person from across the street.

Speaker 33 They're all at a bar. And

Speaker 49 because there's so many of them, we can't possibly hold them here.

Speaker 60 So they're going to go get him from across the street.

Speaker 85 While they're waiting, maybe I should apologize real quickly because I'm low on electrolytes and I'm going to be

Speaker 58 sipping this fermented owl urine throughout the show and I want to apologize now for doing that.

Speaker 87 Oh Jesus Christ.

Speaker 63 You know, you know, owl urine doesn't taste as good as you think it would.

Speaker 5 Oh, this is going to be epic.

Speaker 68 And it's going to start with an unbelievable bang, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 25 This is a very, very special episode.

Speaker 52 Every once in a while, you know, I like to do things a little different.

Speaker 49 I like to keep the fans on their toes and, you know, mix it up.

Speaker 52 So while we wrangle your first bucket pull of the night, I would like to present to you your first comic of the night.

Speaker 95 He is a regular.

Speaker 96 He is a Hall of Famer.

Speaker 59 He is the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews on this show.

Speaker 27 Some people call him the tyrant of Temecula.

Speaker 22 The Vermont vascular vagrant.

Speaker 16 The vanilla gorilla.

Speaker 23 The Memphis Strangler.

Speaker 91 This is

Speaker 96 the big red machine.

Speaker 57 A brand new minute from the one and only William Montgomery.

Speaker 34 H-O-T-T-O-G-O,

Speaker 34 hot to go. Sounds like something Hans Kim's mom would say when she's handing a customer food.

Speaker 34 My Spotify rap says says my top song for 2024 was crop dusting the funeral home during visitations.

Speaker 34 The guy who shot the United Healthcare CEO in New York City was caught today at a McDonald's in Pennsylvania. Apparently, he was meeting with a hamburger to get some tips on poisoning people.

Speaker 34 I'm planning a bar mitzvah, and at the last minute, the rabbi comes, cancels on me because we're not Jewish, and I don't have a son.

Speaker 9 So yeah, I'm back on the Hamas train.

Speaker 34 Okay, that's my time.

Speaker 67 Thank you, Tony.

Speaker 21 William lights out Montgomery, the vagrant of Vermont.

Speaker 64 Yeah, the

Speaker 102 hello, my friend.

Speaker 48 How exciting?

Speaker 34 You going first? It was so exciting because, Tony, I haven't, I wasn't able to play any Call of Duty this weekend. I was in Buffalo this weekend.

Speaker 9 So I am about to play some motherfucking Call of Duty, Tony.

Speaker 70 Whoa, look at this.

Speaker 34 I currently, and Tony, but here's the problem. I currently only have 20 gold, or no, excuse me, 20 diamond camouflages for my guns.

Speaker 34 I need 33, so I need to get 13 more diamond camouflages this week, Tony, before I go to Indianapolis, man.

Speaker 65 Whoa, this is very exciting.

Speaker 75 I don't know how many of you know this or have been noticing or paying attention to the episodes, but lately, William hasn't been screaming that much because he's been having a sore throat.

Speaker 33 Your throat isn't sore at all this week.

Speaker 107 No, it hurts like a motherfucker, don't it?

Speaker 9 But I'm just so excited about Call of Duty tonight.

Speaker 34 I'm not even kidding. I'm about to play for 10 hours.
I'm about to pop a little Adderall, drink some espresso.

Speaker 80 Really?

Speaker 34 I don't know. I mean, it is kind of late.
It will be kind of late, but I might tomorrow.

Speaker 107 Wow. I probably will when I wake up tomorrow.

Speaker 50 Incredible.

Speaker 37 The great, would you like to, you have any questions or would you like to talk to the great RFK Jr. here live in the flesh?

Speaker 34 Yeah, RFK. So what is going to happen if there's another pandemic or something? Are you going to, are y'all going to force people to get the vaccinations? I mean, what are y'all going to do there?

Speaker 110 Well, I'll tell you what I'm going to force you to do because I can see by your sunken eyes, you don't have enough iron in your blood.

Speaker 6 You're losing blood.

Speaker 111 And so what I want you to do for me is I want you to save your feces

Speaker 64 and

Speaker 111 I want you to leave it out in the sun.

Speaker 58 And then I want you to just sprinkle that on your oatmeal in the morning and

Speaker 61 you'll thank me. You'll thank me for it.

Speaker 58 Trust me.

Speaker 34 And that's so weird you say that because when I was in Buffalo this weekend, I ate a whole bunch of the egg rolls with pizza inside and I had really bad shits today.

Speaker 34 I'm going to have to get on my All-brand buds. I'm going to have to do something, Tony.
It's really bad. I've doo-dooed twice today and it's always bad to do-do.

Speaker 34 And then when you get up off the toilet and and you get in the shower to clean off, you got to do-doo again.

Speaker 34 You know, that's a, normally I can get all the doo-doo out of me, but the two today, they were still inside of me when I got in the shower.

Speaker 114 How were your shows in Buffalo?

Speaker 33 How did they go?

Speaker 34 Went good.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 116 Oh my gosh.

Speaker 6 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Tony, oh my gosh. No, it was wonderful.
It was the strangest thing. So I'm talking to this table of people.
They're sitting very close to the front. And I'm just, it's this guy and this girl.

Speaker 34 And I start kind of aggressively, what's that?

Speaker 80 It's owl.

Speaker 83 It's fermented owl urine.

Speaker 67 You know what's tough about it is the owls have a, what's called a colloquia, which is the vagina and the asshole are one thing.

Speaker 84 So it's more like a vashole of sorts. And so

Speaker 58 what I have to do to get the urine is I have to filter out the feces, which you can never get all the feces out.

Speaker 34 Weirdly enough, that looks very similar to the antifreeze I was feeding to Red Band's fucking mom to keep her ass sick last year when I was living over at her house.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 34 Yup. I was giving her fucking dumbass antifreeze at night, dude.
Whoa. And she gets real sleepy then, Red Band.

Speaker 105 Wow, making your mama sleepy.

Speaker 52 Here he is with a big retort coming.

Speaker 79 He's grabbed it.

Speaker 118 So Wayne, I got this report this weekend that you made a woman cry and she had to leave with her husband.

Speaker 36 Is this true?

Speaker 107 Is that why you were getting the strangest thing?

Speaker 34 And I was telling the guy he needs to divorce the woman. I mean, it was the craziest behavior.
I was just kind of aggressively talking towards them.

Speaker 34 And then I look back after like 30 seconds and the woman has her hands in her face and I'm like, bitch, are you crying? And she was fucking crying.

Speaker 34 And then I kind of went after her stupid fucking ass because it just seems like such weird behavior. And then they ended up leaving and they were trying to steal the drinks as well.

Speaker 34 They tried to leave without paying for their food. So they were weird.
I don't know.

Speaker 109 It was very strange.

Speaker 52 You told the man, is this your bitch?

Speaker 96 And then she was crying and then you said, you need to control your bitch.

Speaker 34 Yeah, it was fucking out of control, Tody.

Speaker 101 He really did.

Speaker 34 And then they fucking leave. It was fun, though.

Speaker 107 It really was.

Speaker 29 It sounds like a good time. I mean, we've been getting these reports about weekends you have.

Speaker 48 This is two weekends in a row right now.

Speaker 34 I know, or somebody's crying, or there's a big disaster with somebody in the crowd.

Speaker 17 I know.

Speaker 118 Like my mom, you seem very mean to women.

Speaker 119 Are you gay or something, maybe?

Speaker 122 Are you a little gay boy?

Speaker 123 Wow, look at her.

Speaker 103 Red man roasting.

Speaker 3 I wouldn't tell you.

Speaker 12 Whoa.

Speaker 3 Whoa.

Speaker 124 Secret gay man

Speaker 69 in the closet comedian.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 35 You keep that type of behavior up.

Speaker 1 You might get a Netflix special real fast, William.

Speaker 103 All right.

Speaker 75 Well, anything else we should know about about your crazy weekend and your life and everything?

Speaker 10 Getting a little better at Tetris.

Speaker 34 I've been playing Tetris on the Game Boy and like the airports and stuff. I'm getting a little bit better.
I started looking it up on YouTube. I'm looking up different techniques.

Speaker 34 I'm seeing how to play. I'm figuring out how to play.
Wow.

Speaker 36 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 30 I mean, what can I say that that I haven't said about you a thousand times before?

Speaker 125 You're a legend. We love you.

Speaker 41 The new minutes have piled up.

Speaker 126 You are the record holder.

Speaker 125 You are the backbone of the show.

Speaker 127 Red Band thinks you're gay.

Speaker 127 I know.

Speaker 87 That's kind of weird.

Speaker 47 That is kind of weird.

Speaker 128 That's a new angle.

Speaker 121 That's a new angle coming from Red Band.

Speaker 41 Red Band has figured out that calling you gay

Speaker 82 is something.

Speaker 129 Did you color your beard, Red Band?

Speaker 34 You got a little color in that, don't you?

Speaker 90 Did you do some just for men, Joe?

Speaker 62 It looks a lot darker than normal.

Speaker 35 I gotta tell you, I did.

Speaker 108 You look good.

Speaker 118 You put a little bit too much just for men.

Speaker 48 It looks so natural, no one can tell.

Speaker 118 You wouldn't know anything about this.

Speaker 17 I wouldn't.

Speaker 48 No, I don't have a beard.

Speaker 50 I cannot grow a beard.

Speaker 73 There's not enough testosterone in the world for me to be able to grow a beard.

Speaker 52 I see these.

Speaker 75 I've been seeing these.

Speaker 49 These people on CNN, these trans correspondents, like these women that have turned into men.

Speaker 25 I saw one the other day had a full fucking beard.

Speaker 90 I'm like, this is bullshit.

Speaker 24 I'm like, how the fuck are the trans people getting more testosterone into their bloodstream than me?

Speaker 65 I'm truly jealous of these women becoming more men than I am.

Speaker 82 Like, I'm a man and I'm on testosterone and I have a penis and balls.

Speaker 11 And I still can't grow a full beard.

Speaker 34 One day.

Speaker 60 One day.

Speaker 134 One day.

Speaker 45 One day.

Speaker 47 One day.

Speaker 92 I'll keep my fingers and my legs crossed.

Speaker 18 Ladies and gentlemen, the show has begun with the stylings of the great and powerful William Montgomery. Where do we go from here? What a way to start.

Speaker 16 That's normally how you end.

Speaker 47 It's like a Tarantino film.

Speaker 16 It started with the ending.

Speaker 27 And I did meet Tarantino, one of my new best friends.

Speaker 47 No big deal.

Speaker 16 Your first bucket pull is a legend, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 28 I remember this guy very clearly.

Speaker 96 A very interesting human being.

Speaker 123 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long-awaited return of Sturm Worm.

Speaker 52 How could we forget from years ago, Sturmworm?

Speaker 23 One more time for Sturmworm.

Speaker 130 Yeah, so about a year ago, I got a lap dance

Speaker 81 from a guy

Speaker 109 and I came

Speaker 35 in

Speaker 62 my

Speaker 130 A Couple of days later, I downloaded the Grindr app.

Speaker 130 Within an hour, I was getting head in a parking lot. Ten other messages from dudes within a one-mile radius begging me

Speaker 130 to suck

Speaker 137 my

Speaker 116 dick.

Speaker 118 You know,

Speaker 130 it's always looked like the gays are having more fun.

Speaker 130 After extensive research, I've come to the conclusion that theory is correct.

Speaker 130 I mean

Speaker 130 my life is so gay. I might as well be fucking dudes.

Speaker 130 Pretty sure I'm not a homosexual, but I can't keep going along with this farce. That miss stalemate tie with all of y'all for being the straightest motherfucker that's ever lived.

Speaker 130 Fighting off the gay is exhausting.

Speaker 130 To tie a ribbon on it from this point for

Speaker 11 There it is.

Speaker 79 Sterm worm, everybody.

Speaker 87 Just basically kind of just talking about being gay.

Speaker 28 No real definitive jokes throughout the entire thing.

Speaker 67 Just kind of

Speaker 103 coming out of the closet.

Speaker 67 Is that true? Is that real?

Speaker 103 It's all true. It's all true.

Speaker 6 So you really did.

Speaker 47 You got a lap dance from a guy, and you're like, I kind of like this.

Speaker 130 I was like, yeah, I got to go through more with this. And then I went, I did the Tinder thing, I mean, the grinder thing.
And like, it was as lame as every hookup I ever had with a girl. Like, it was.

Speaker 28 So, this is all new to you. This is your first gay stuff that's ever happened.

Speaker 130 Oh, yeah. This is like two and a half years ago at this point.
This is six months after I was on the podcast last time.

Speaker 41 Yeah, you were on years ago. I remember you.

Speaker 30 Something's different, though, right?

Speaker 55 You have facial hair.

Speaker 29 You have long hair.

Speaker 46 Oh, no, same look.

Speaker 130 Same look. I got a podcast now, though.

Speaker 47 Nobody cares about that.

Speaker 3 Trust me, it's the illustrious podcast.

Speaker 51 You're making people leave, Sternworm. Please do not promote your podcast.

Speaker 127 Stop, relax, relax.

Speaker 47 Let's get back to this becoming gay all of a sudden thing because it sounds like a lot of fun.

Speaker 35 We help William out.

Speaker 123 Okay, you go right ahead. Do you help our friend William out?

Speaker 107 There you go.

Speaker 119 Yeah, I heard.

Speaker 35 I was cracking. I heard what that whole thing was about.

Speaker 33 Call back to five minutes ago.

Speaker 90 Okay, so let's stick with it here, Sternworm.

Speaker 47 So where did you get this lap dance from a guy?

Speaker 139 Where did you possibly get it?

Speaker 130 I went to a gay club.

Speaker 119 Okay.

Speaker 115 Where were you at?

Speaker 130 Jersey.

Speaker 36 Jersey. Meh.
Okay.

Speaker 48 What was the name of the gay club?

Speaker 28 Did it have a cool gay name?

Speaker 130 I don't want to, I don't know whether they're supposed to be doing that in there. So I don't want to air out the name of it.

Speaker 29 You don't want to get in trouble with your local gay club?

Speaker 130 No, like I don't know whether that's supposed to be going on in there. So I just a lap dance?

Speaker 130 Yeah, I mean, it was a dude that worked there. It was like a go-go dancer.

Speaker 126 Uh-huh.

Speaker 35 Man.

Speaker 130 It was arousing. I think same-gender lap dancers are arousing.

Speaker 28 Okay.

Speaker 28 But that was your first one.

Speaker 130 That was my first one.

Speaker 96 So that happens, and then you get on, you sign up for a gay gay dating app.

Speaker 130 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 53 Okay, and then what happened?

Speaker 130 Like I said, instantly, like, I even have a picture up. Instantly, I'm getting a million messages saying, I'll suck your dick right now.

Speaker 93 And did you take these people up?

Speaker 122 I took one of them up on the offer.

Speaker 130 It was.

Speaker 123 No, you go ahead. It was.

Speaker 130 No, I was. It was like, I didn't even get hard.
It was the same problem when I tried to hook up with chicks back in the day. It's just when you were under pressure, it's just tough to get.

Speaker 35 aroused

Speaker 130 like back in the day when uh kill tony was at the comedy store yeah when it was at the comedy store, there was a man dudes who used to always say that they don't come during sex.

Speaker 130 That's not a real thing for guys. If you're turned on, you come unless you, unless you purposely don't come.
But they weren't not coming. They just weren't getting turned on.

Speaker 119 You're like a rapper that doesn't rhyme.

Speaker 61 I could rhyme, though.

Speaker 51 No, no, no, no, no.

Speaker 60 Nobody wants that.

Speaker 32 Do you have a gay voice or is that how you talk to these guys?

Speaker 10 No, this is how much.

Speaker 141 Shout out to everybody.

Speaker 65 Hey, sorry, I just can't get hog right now.

Speaker 28 That's a good old Jersey gay.

Speaker 49 So where did this attempted blowjob happen?

Speaker 5 The one that you couldn't get hard for?

Speaker 93 You go to his place.

Speaker 137 It was a parking lot.

Speaker 103 A parking lot.

Speaker 49 Man, you just do gay stuff in inappropriate places.

Speaker 74 Have you ever done anything gay where gay stuff should happen?

Speaker 121 Like a bedroom?

Speaker 130 I gave, a week later, I gave a guy head in his bedroom. I don't fucking care.

Speaker 62 I'm out here, yo.

Speaker 130 Like, if you sexually suppress, then you're less attractive to girls. Like, do I think I don't like girls? Nah, I do think I like girls, but am I fucked up in the head sexually?

Speaker 130 Yeah, I've been fucked up and head sexually for 20 years. I've been checked out of the game.
I just tried to be a rapper. It didn't work out.

Speaker 101 FK juice.

Speaker 117 This is why we've got to stop with the goddamn vaccines.

Speaker 117 Yeah.

Speaker 130 Yo, they got my water out there.

Speaker 111 Can I get it?

Speaker 58 Hey, hey, Tony, could I plug something really nicely?

Speaker 11 I just want to tell everybody my Christmas album, RFK's Rockin' Christmas, is dropping tomorrow at 9.30.

Speaker 117 I sing all the classics like

Speaker 11 hold on. I want to clear it.

Speaker 123 Go ahead, RFK.

Speaker 103 Yeah.

Speaker 11 Chestnuts roasting on an open fire.

Speaker 111 Jack Frost nipping at your nose, a son of a bitch.

Speaker 67 Come, they told me, pom-pom, pom-pom-pom,

Speaker 67 pom-pom-pom-pom, pom-pom-pom-pum.

Speaker 110 Sit back around the fire with your family and enjoy RFK Jr.'s rocking Christmas.

Speaker 27 Where can people find this? Where can people find RFK Jr.'s rocking Christmas?

Speaker 112 Silent night.

Speaker 112 Holy

Speaker 112 night.

Speaker 6 God damn it.

Speaker 112 I'll probably, I don't know, Walmart or something.

Speaker 89 So, Stern Worm, you were going to say something.

Speaker 130 Two things. I got a water back there.
Could I get it?

Speaker 130 Heidi was going to bring it to me if you need water right now. Yeah, yeah, my mouth is very dry.

Speaker 90 Okay, yes.

Speaker 107 Thanks. And then the other thing, thanks.

Speaker 3 And then the other thing is, I've an OnlyFans.

Speaker 130 It's a free OnlyFans. I started it like two years ago.

Speaker 95 What are you doing on this OnlyFans?

Speaker 130 Who wants to sign up for an OnlyFans where the the dude can't even get hard no no i show videos how i could actually get hard when when i'm not feeling pressure and i show videos when it's all shriveled up i jerk off it i jerk okay sturmworm this is out of control have you written any comedy in the years that we haven't seen you i've been working so hard on my podcast that i have been doing comedy but i have i have a zillion comedy minutes like i have i have 15 three minutes you have a zillion of them and you came out tonight just talking about whatever the fuck that was.

Speaker 130 Yeah, I mean, to me, I think that shit's funny. I know it's not like joke, joke, funny, but like, to me, like, it's not like haha funny.

Speaker 130 I think it is, but I mean, I guess I have no, no sense of humor. I have a podcast episode called I Have No Sense of Humor, but I'm okay.

Speaker 146 All right, sturmworm.

Speaker 5 Well, it's been a while since you've been on this show.

Speaker 68 You know,

Speaker 49 this cool company, I'm going to give them a shout out called

Speaker 114 Ghostpatch Custom at ghostpatchcustom.com sent us these.

Speaker 147 It's hard to describe, but it's like an iron missile.

Speaker 30 And it says, I bombed on Kill Tony.

Speaker 47 And I'm going to throw this. You're going to catch it?

Speaker 144 Catch it with your ass.

Speaker 5 There you go.

Speaker 27 There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 57 And it has begun to go.

Speaker 61 No chance to wrap up.

Speaker 57 No chance.

Speaker 131 There he goes.

Speaker 46 I can't spit.

Speaker 116 A verse?

Speaker 130 One verse? You could copy all one verse.

Speaker 51 No, stir more, everybody. There he goes.

Speaker 23 Stirm.

Speaker 17 Did you have one in mind or something?

Speaker 123 Did you plan for that?

Speaker 58 I mean, what's up?

Speaker 67 Did you prepare to rap or something?

Speaker 130 Yeah, of course I did. I'm a rapper.

Speaker 123 I mean, I think that's what you did years ago.

Speaker 130 Yeah, you didn't know I rapped.

Speaker 123 It's been years. Please

Speaker 130 so good.

Speaker 96 Okay, here he is.

Speaker 80 Give him a little beep.

Speaker 51 Sturmworm's gonna rap real quick.

Speaker 3 A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

Speaker 130 Please to the sun shine brighter after rain. I started writing rhymes so that I could share my pain.
No matter where you're from, man, shit could get real.

Speaker 130 I was told the sky is blue, I see it more as teal. Stuck in a slump, can't seem to find a groove.
Catch me out here chasing dreams, trying to make moves. Can't fuck my life every day, being screwed.

Speaker 130 I gotta win, cause so far, all I've done is lose.

Speaker 143 Lately, all right, sturmworm.

Speaker 96 There you go, sturmworm, everybody.

Speaker 95 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 17 Oh my god, made everybody's flaccid.

Speaker 62 Tires matter.

Speaker 44 They're the only part of your vehicle that touches the road. Tread confidently with new tires from Tire Rack.

Speaker 44 Whether you're looking for expert recommendations or know exactly what you want, Tire Rack makes it easy.

Speaker 44 Fast, free shipping, free road hazard protection, convenient installation options, and the best selection of Bridgestone tires.

Speaker 44 Go to tire rack.com to see their Bridgestone test results, tire ratings, and reviews. And be sure to check out all the special offers.
TireRack.com, the way tire buying should be.

Speaker 43 Hello, Nigel here. As an owl, I love to be awake all night, but allergy sufferers like you probably don't feel the same.
So take Zyzole at night to relieve allergies while you sleep.

Speaker 43 Then wake up fully refreshed for a more productive day.

Speaker 148 Zizole works fast and offers 24-hour continuous relief from sneezing, runny nose, itchy watery eyes, and itchy nose and throat. So you can enjoy doing the things you love all day long.

Speaker 62 Be wise all.

Speaker 43 Take Zyzole at night. Users Directed starts working in 45 minutes.

Speaker 52 We got another bucket pull.

Speaker 26 You guys ready for another comedian?

Speaker 145 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Sam Henderson, everybody.

Speaker 22 This looks like a new name, Sam Henderson.

Speaker 42 I really just really miss being a kid just because

Speaker 42 you were young and dumb. You didn't have to have it all figured out.

Speaker 42 When I was a kid, I thought

Speaker 42 I thought the word pedophile was someone who loved feet.

Speaker 42 And it really shouldn't have been a problem, but my dad was a podiatrist.

Speaker 42 I told my whole fifth grade class, when I grow up, I want to be a pedophile like my dad.

Speaker 42 Cool, you guys like that? Cool.

Speaker 21 Cool.

Speaker 42 I saw a pretty interesting stat online the other day. I don't know if you guys know this.

Speaker 42 Apparently, conservative men consume the most trans porn.

Speaker 42 I thought it was an odd way to find out I'm a conservative.

Speaker 32 All right, thank you guys.

Speaker 144 There you go.

Speaker 23 Sam Henderson.

Speaker 18 Getting a joke there in in the end.

Speaker 23 Hello, Sam. How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 42 I'm pretty new, man. Like a year and a half.
Okay, where at?

Speaker 70 Where you been doing it?

Speaker 42 Lexington, Kentucky.

Speaker 69 Lexington, Kentucky.

Speaker 70 Okay.

Speaker 126 Is that where you live now, or did you move here?

Speaker 37 No, I live in Lexington, still.

Speaker 150 Okay.

Speaker 151 Has anyone ever told you that you look like a full-size version of the mayor of

Speaker 41 the fucking

Speaker 49 Munchkins?

Speaker 131 You remember that guy? I don't know.

Speaker 79 You ever seen that?

Speaker 25 Look him up on your safari there, right, Van.

Speaker 36 You're going to see what I mean.

Speaker 73 This is actually quite incredible.

Speaker 49 Mayor of Munchkin Land. That's what I was thinking of.
Munchkin Land.

Speaker 70 Look at him.

Speaker 15 Look at that.

Speaker 73 I'm pretty spot on here.

Speaker 49 Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's more of a big fan of

Speaker 49 Munchkin Land joke.

Speaker 150 I guess.

Speaker 15 All right.

Speaker 142 How old are you, Sam?

Speaker 42 27. What do you do for work?

Speaker 42 I work for an ice company.

Speaker 152 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 126 What do you do for the ice company?

Speaker 42 I like drive a truck, deliver ice.

Speaker 37 Okay.

Speaker 126 All right.

Speaker 33 The back is very cold.

Speaker 42 17 degrees.

Speaker 153 Wow.

Speaker 126 Wow.

Speaker 41 How long have you been delivering ice for?

Speaker 42 About eight years.

Speaker 150 Wow.

Speaker 69 Amazing.

Speaker 55 What's the most exciting thing that's happened to you while delivering ice?

Speaker 42 I was in a gas station once while I got robbed.

Speaker 126 You got robbed?

Speaker 33 I didn't get robbed, no.

Speaker 42 It got robbed. The Wawa got robbed in Philly.

Speaker 70 Wah, what?

Speaker 119 Amazing.

Speaker 50 You were in Philly?

Speaker 154 Yeah, I was working out of town in Philly.

Speaker 15 Okay.

Speaker 41 You were delivering ice in Philadelphia.

Speaker 42 Yeah, we have like a bunch of plants around the country move around.

Speaker 33 And what happened?

Speaker 125 What were you doing?

Speaker 42 I was putting ice in the ice box.

Speaker 109 Did you try to stop the robbery?

Speaker 73 Did you open a bag and put it at the door so that they slip and fall or something?

Speaker 53 I've been watching all the Home Alones recently, and

Speaker 33 I'm thinking about pranking people.

Speaker 138 You didn't contribute or help at all then?

Speaker 42 No, no, I sat down like a little bitch.

Speaker 94 There you go.

Speaker 41 So what type of childhood did you have in Lexington, Kentucky?

Speaker 42 I grew up in Jacksonville, Florida. I was a pastor's kid growing up.

Speaker 33 A what?

Speaker 42 Pastor's kid growing up. Pretty easy childhood.

Speaker 124 Uh-huh.

Speaker 42 Played soccer.

Speaker 42 It's pretty standard.

Speaker 150 Yeah.

Speaker 71 What's the most exciting thing about your life, Sam Henderson?

Speaker 42 Most exciting thing about my life, I speak Spanish.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 53 Might not be awesome.

Speaker 49 That's a big deal in Lexington, Kentucky.

Speaker 53 You might be the only person in Kentucky that speaks Spanish.

Speaker 41 That's absolutely incredible.

Speaker 103 Can you give us a little example of your Spanish?

Speaker 49 Can you say something

Speaker 73 that perhaps the band could understand, the horn players over there.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Soy gringo, pero stoy el prendiendo español. No, no.

Speaker 147 Wow, listen to those. No croquet soy fluente, but

Speaker 42 conversacional.

Speaker 42 But yo say que tonia sun maricón.

Speaker 27 Oh, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 27 You son of a bitch.

Speaker 52 Tu no bueno at la comética.

Speaker 11 How about that, you piece of shit

Speaker 47 I love it Sam what's your love life like you're in Kentucky you banging your relative

Speaker 156 I wish

Speaker 30 what's going on

Speaker 42 I'm single right now

Speaker 42 gotta have a relationship beginning of the year

Speaker 42 just been doing my thing trying to do comedy I've been kind of planning on moving here so I haven't been trying to get into any relationship or anything so yeah you don't wanna you don't wanna you definitely wanna not hook up with anybody just in case if you ever have to move Boston, Texas.

Speaker 42 Listen, dude, it's not completely dry, but I don't know.

Speaker 42 I'm too emotional to always hook up with people like that.

Speaker 75 When you say you're too emotional, give us an example of what you mean by that.

Speaker 42 It's just like after I finish immediately, I just feel disgusting.

Speaker 42 It may be that the girls aren't hot enough. It may be that, but it's really, I don't know.
I'm like, don't touch me. I want to leave right now.

Speaker 125 Do you do you have any tricks to get away or have them get away from you?

Speaker 147 Is there anything that you've said or done right after sex to get rid of the opposing girls?

Speaker 42 No, dude, I'm not mean enough. I just sit there in despair.

Speaker 47 You just feel disgusting.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 42 Usually it's better if it's at their house.

Speaker 42 You can just get up and leave.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 116 I feel you, brother.

Speaker 150 Fuck.

Speaker 11 When I know Cheryl wants to make love, I have a panic attack.

Speaker 111 I worry I can't finish, you know.

Speaker 61 Guys know this after about six months, it's really hard to finish.

Speaker 63 You know, you've got to find things in your life, you know, that you can take to the bedroom and fantasize.

Speaker 63 Take, for example, me right now.

Speaker 61 I've been having some fantasies about this woman in the front row, and I feel horrible about it, but I can take that with me and hopefully finish later

Speaker 103 so try that my friend there's a little health advice from the great I love you

Speaker 15 I love you

Speaker 123 RFK Jr.

Speaker 28 giving you some really good advice there

Speaker 27 Sam I'm gonna give you one of these little joke books congratulations you made it on kill Tony

Speaker 16 There he goes, Sam Henderson, everybody.

Speaker 48 This is fun. You having fun, RFK?

Speaker 6 No way. Yeah.

Speaker 84 Sorry, Tony.

Speaker 141 I have to apologize because I, you know, I'm doing my amends and secrets keep us sick.

Speaker 117 And I want to apologize to this woman for sexualizing her like that.

Speaker 86 The whole time he was talking, I was having a fantasy and

Speaker 117 it's just not right.

Speaker 11 And I apologize.

Speaker 11 She was laying on a bed in my mind,

Speaker 64 not clothed at all. And I was above her and I just, Louis C.

Speaker 76 Kate all over her.

Speaker 11 And

Speaker 117 I just want to say I'm sorry to you.

Speaker 5 It's beautiful. Beautiful.

Speaker 8 The new Director of Health.

Speaker 19 Is that the title?

Speaker 110 Director of Health. Unfortunately, the fantasy didn't stop there, Tony.

Speaker 84 I then brought her into a tub to clean off my mess.

Speaker 11 And I was massaging her breasts, of course.

Speaker 117 began to get aroused again.

Speaker 111 I thought, god damn it, RFK.

Speaker 11 Can you just, this is someone's daughter, god damn it.

Speaker 110 But I, but I couldn't help myself, and I apologize to you, miss.

Speaker 28 Wow. Oh, she says you're forgiven.

Speaker 64 Well, you may not when you hear about the rest of my fantasy.

Speaker 83 You see, no, please, please, just let me finish and please don't laugh.

Speaker 58 This is, I'm trying to make amends here, and secrets do keep us sick.

Speaker 110 Then what happened was, in my fantasy, of course, she had asked me to tuck my genitalia down under myself so I looked like a lady in the front.

Speaker 110 And then she said that I looked like a pretty girl, which, of course, brought a tear to my eye because it was something I always wanted to hear.

Speaker 110 And then, of course, she came from behind me and kicked me in the nutsack and I ejaculated immediately.

Speaker 6 By the way,

Speaker 110 I'll be right back. I have to change.

Speaker 58 I'll be right back.

Speaker 18 RFK Jr., ladies and gentlemen, says he has to go change.

Speaker 47 That's very interesting.

Speaker 17 Gotta love it.

Speaker 47 I wonder if there's a microphone back there, and he's gonna keep telling us about the fantasy.

Speaker 12 All right.

Speaker 27 Pulled another name out of the bucket. We're gonna keep the fun train moving along.

Speaker 26 This looks like another new name.

Speaker 27 Make some noise for Joe Barnholt, everybody.

Speaker 91 Joe Barnholt.

Speaker 159 Somebody outside told me I look like I play in a Weezer cover band.

Speaker 156 So that's cool.

Speaker 159 You guys, I got married?

Speaker 159 Oh, thank you so much.

Speaker 136 I appreciate that.

Speaker 159 Then I got divorced.

Speaker 123 Hey, there's always a little bigger tear for that one.

Speaker 159 Statistically, that makes a lot of sense. So don't cry for me, though.
I got the house in Tahoe and the divorce. And by that, I mean I live in my Chevy.

Speaker 159 My ex and I are actually still good friends. Turns out she's a lesbian.

Speaker 159 Not saying that like a vindictive man, like she's actually a lesbian. And people ask me, Joe, was there any indication, anything that would have told you she's a lesbian?

Speaker 159 And aside from the fact that I'm a giant pussy and she ate me alive?

Speaker 159 Cannot say that there was any indication.

Speaker 161 On a completely unrelated note, did you guys know that scissoring really hurts your balls?

Speaker 149 Like

Speaker 11 a lot.

Speaker 159 You guys, I told that joke in Birmingham, Alabama, and a guy yelled out, you're doing it wrong.

Speaker 159 Way more progressive down there than I was giving him credit for. Thank you guys.
My name is Joe Barnholt.

Speaker 61 Appreciate it.

Speaker 21 Joe Barnholt, wait a minute.

Speaker 160 Hi, Joe.

Speaker 159 Hey, how's it going?

Speaker 136 Good.

Speaker 94 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 103 How long were you married?

Speaker 159 I'm married for five years. We actually signed our paper on our fifth year anniversary.

Speaker 139 And you were surprised when you found out she was a lesbian?

Speaker 159 She started turning into a witch towards the end of our marriage. In what way?

Speaker 159 Self-identify. Incense and

Speaker 136 moon water.

Speaker 28 She was calling herself a witch.

Speaker 57 Yes, yes.

Speaker 119 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 105 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 159 To say I was shocked would be a little bit of an overstatement.

Speaker 49 You didn't think there was something lesbian-esque about her when she married a Rachel Mad Owl Impressionist.

Speaker 159 You should see me when I'm clean shaven.

Speaker 136 I'm

Speaker 156 very lesbianesque.

Speaker 132 Amazing.

Speaker 128 So how did she break the news to you that she was interested in women?

Speaker 159 She actually came clean to me because she was worried that a neighbor had seen her new partner coming through and she wanted it to come from her rather than coming from a third-party source.

Speaker 159 So she reached out to me and was like, hey, I need to confess I'm dating someone and I went, oh, that's cool.

Speaker 15 And she went, it's a a woman. And I went, Oh,

Speaker 159 we never had a threesome.

Speaker 161 That's unfortunate.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 17 Did you try to work it out and try to have that happen?

Speaker 79 Did you pitch that idea?

Speaker 159 No, we were kind of at the friend zone at that point in time.

Speaker 136 Our marriage had, you know,

Speaker 136 become devolved into friendships.

Speaker 50 Right. So no kids.

Speaker 156 No kids. No.
Kid-free.

Speaker 126 Right.

Speaker 72 And she slowly became a witch.

Speaker 35 Yes.

Speaker 141 Did that bother you at all?

Speaker 55 It's a witch sound effect.

Speaker 149 Great sound effect.

Speaker 11 The rarely used witch sound effect.

Speaker 136 Yeah, Red Dan has been

Speaker 47 lingering his finger over that button for 13 and a half years, just waiting for an opportunity.

Speaker 159 That's not the sound they make when you finger a witch.

Speaker 47 That's a goblin laugh.

Speaker 53 I know a goblin laugh when I hear it.

Speaker 144 There you go.

Speaker 30 Okay. So what do you do for work?

Speaker 159 I do comedy and music full-time.

Speaker 107 What kind of music do you do?

Speaker 159 Comedy music. And I'm in a band that does full-band hip-hop.

Speaker 48 In a band that does what?

Speaker 35 Full band hip-hop?

Speaker 70 Full band hip-hop.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 33 What do you do in the band?

Speaker 161 I play guitar.

Speaker 37 I do rhythm and a little bit of vocals.

Speaker 107 A little bit of vocals?

Speaker 46 Yes.

Speaker 102 You do comedy hip-hop.

Speaker 159 No, well, so my comedy songs are all over the place. I do a song about Jesus.

Speaker 159 I just wrote a song about fucking Santa.

Speaker 17 Okay, can we hear some of your fucking Santa songs? Are you going to tell the band what to do?

Speaker 136 Sure, yeah.

Speaker 132 They're actual professional

Speaker 159 musicians, so if you just tell them um so it's it's uh man what's the style it's just uh starts on g

Speaker 159 the one the four the five um and then that uh god you're turning us all into lesbians right now this is so incredible it's a slow song

Speaker 159 Yeah, if you got a guitar, I can play it for you.

Speaker 33 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 16 Oh, we do have the guest guitar.

Speaker 17 There's the lovely Heidi.

Speaker 64 Man, I literally with a guitar,

Speaker 125 we're gonna plug it on in. You gotta put it on

Speaker 35 This is incredible.

Speaker 23 He reminds me of Colt Colt that this is like you colt come up here stand next to this guy take your take your hoodie and your hat off real quick.

Speaker 146 We're gonna do a little do a little experiment see which one is which

Speaker 25 Yeah, give me some of that colt music.

Speaker 5 Look at that everybody.

Speaker 163 Hey, look at that

Speaker 8 Look at this Just stand up there next to him like you guys are conjoined twins.

Speaker 47 I just want you to stand there with him.

Speaker 5 No, leave the hat off, Colt. Leave the hat off.
Very good.

Speaker 163 There you go.

Speaker 135 Yeah, it's perfect.

Speaker 47 All right. Here we go.

Speaker 91 That's the spirit.

Speaker 68 A G to the one to the two to the fifth, and here we go.

Speaker 103 Hey,

Speaker 35 here we go. We're gonna go.

Speaker 46 Colt's just.

Speaker 11 I love you, Santa.

Speaker 136 You're on the way.

Speaker 46 It's almost Christmas,

Speaker 160 and you're dressed in a sleigh

Speaker 160 Put me on the nice list you're good little boy, but we could be naughty if you bring me toys. Oh Santa

Speaker 46 Come fill me with joy

Speaker 57 Chestnuts roasting on an open fire

Speaker 21 Yes

Speaker 26 RFK Jr.'s rocking Christmas.

Speaker 48 available now.

Speaker 160 Some kids want presents, I just want your sack.

Speaker 46 I left out cookies and milk for you, Santa.

Speaker 160 But can I be your snack, my polar bear, Santa?

Speaker 3 Wow, amazing.

Speaker 136 You give me pause.

Speaker 35 Santa, the shepherd boy to the mic.

Speaker 68 What'd you say, RFK Jr.?

Speaker 85 Shavi Shepherd Boy.

Speaker 61 Go ahead.

Speaker 110 Let's do a duet. Keep going.
Let's do a duet.

Speaker 140 My voice blends well with other voices, so let's try this.

Speaker 64 There's Santa.

Speaker 11 You're a polar bear.

Speaker 57 You're fucking queer.

Speaker 112 Go ahead.

Speaker 111 I'll follow the changes.

Speaker 109 I'll try me, boy. Oh, man.
I was not prepared for that.

Speaker 63 This is your big break, Dewey.

Speaker 11 I know, I know.

Speaker 11 Oh, my God.

Speaker 111 Show us what you got. You can do it, Rachel.

Speaker 21 Perfect.

Speaker 21 Shave your beard, Santa.

Speaker 111 Yeah, shave your beard, you son of a bitch. My name's Mrs.

Speaker 160 Claws.

Speaker 142 Yeah,

Speaker 11 ugly old whore.

Speaker 160 Slide down my chimney. It's my fantasy.
Oh, no step, Santa.

Speaker 46 I'm stuck in the tree.

Speaker 57 Santa.

Speaker 46 Come bring it to me. Yeah.

Speaker 112 Get RFK's rocking Christmas tomorrow afternoon.

Speaker 47 joe barn hole with a little music with the lovely colt backing him up his twin brother thank you colt

Speaker 23 and amazing harmonies by the great rfk jr

Speaker 102 amazing stuff drinking fermented owl piss

Speaker 117 i thought it was I forgot, I thought it was Mountain Dew.

Speaker 86 You really got to prepare before you put owl urine in your mouth.

Speaker 93 Just

Speaker 93 a heads up, RFK Jr.

Speaker 105 is promoting kyledunagan.com.

Speaker 30 He's on tour.

Speaker 47 Kyledunagan.com.

Speaker 92 That's D-U-N-N-I-G-A-N.com.

Speaker 94 Important to know.

Speaker 25 Sometimes we have these people come on, like Dr.

Speaker 29 Phil promotes Adam Ray.

Speaker 55 It's exciting to have RFK Jr.

Speaker 41 promoting Kyle Dunnegan.

Speaker 125 I love it.

Speaker 55 You guys could promote anything in the world, and instead you take care of good, amazing comedians, free speech.

Speaker 55 This Kyle Dunnegan, you've met him before.

Speaker 41 He's a friend of mine.

Speaker 58 Fantastic.

Speaker 6 He does like a lot of puppet work.

Speaker 110 And he juggles, too.

Speaker 58 Go see Kyle Dunne.

Speaker 58 He actually just juggles the puppets.

Speaker 87 He doesn't actually

Speaker 11 mouth them at all.

Speaker 112 They just fly through the air.

Speaker 53 He was here this weekend.

Speaker 49 He was fantastic.

Speaker 147 KyleDunagan.com for tour tickets.

Speaker 73 One of the funniest people on planet Earth.

Speaker 24 Joe, what is the most interesting, craziest thing that's ever happened to you in your life?

Speaker 136 My band has played Red Rocks.

Speaker 107 Okay.

Speaker 114 So that's like your biggest accomplishment.

Speaker 28 How did you guys sell tickets for that? Are you guys famous?

Speaker 159 So, well, we're pretty well known in the Denver music scene, and we got the opportunity to play before they do a movie on the rocks where they show a film and

Speaker 15 what was the movie

Speaker 159 Top Gun Maverick.

Speaker 156 So open

Speaker 136 for Tom Cruise.

Speaker 36 Wow. Which is sweet.
Amazing.

Speaker 11 Amazing. A lot of people open for Tom Cruise.

Speaker 3 Yeah.

Speaker 1 All right, Joe. Well,

Speaker 127 okay.

Speaker 75 You did pretty decent.

Speaker 115 All right.

Speaker 62 Did you do you did good, right?

Speaker 18 Here's a big joke book.

Speaker 16 Take one of these.

Speaker 27 There he goes, Joe Barnholt.

Speaker 21 Thank you.

Speaker 19 Let's get one more bucket pull up here.

Speaker 96 Then we'll get a regular.

Speaker 74 Alright, ladies and gentlemen, this looks like another new name.

Speaker 26 Exciting stuff.

Speaker 80 60 seconds uninterrupted for Simon Perkovich.

Speaker 96 Simon Perkovich.

Speaker 164 How you feeling, guys? Are you feeling guys?

Speaker 134 I know Tony is.

Speaker 134 Anyway, I am 11 months sober

Speaker 93 From marijuana

Speaker 134 Yeah, look at that. Nobody's happy for me anymore.

Speaker 81 People are like boo

Speaker 134 That's only cuz you hear the good stuff, you know, they never talk about the negatives like you notice that it makes you stop dreaming You have you noticed this of course not.

Speaker 134 You're toasted right now Big dreamer right here.

Speaker 100 Guys, I'm from Colorado.

Speaker 164 What if, like, my whole state isn't dreaming?

Speaker 134 What if Martin Luther King Jr.

Speaker 107 was from Colorado?

Speaker 86 He would have never had that dream, dude.

Speaker 134 We would be peeing in different bathrooms.

Speaker 164 The marches, they would have never happened.

Speaker 106 Would he ever hit the doobie and think, guys, let's go on a hunger strike?

Speaker 134 All right, everyone, shut up, shut up, shut up.

Speaker 134 No, seriously, shut up.

Speaker 155 Pussy. All right.

Speaker 128 Okay, Simon Perkovich, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 41 Hi, Simon.

Speaker 55 Welcome.

Speaker 80 Hi. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 134 I've been dabbling for three years, but I'd say I've been doing it for like a month.

Speaker 147 Okay, and that's in Colorado?

Speaker 134 Yeah, Telluride.

Speaker 150 Nice.

Speaker 94 Okay, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 134 I was trying. I was a bartender, and I'm trying to be a farmer.

Speaker 104 Marijuana?

Speaker 134 Yeah, I wish. Oh.
No, you can do that where I'm from, but you can't really do that here anymore, can you? Unless if you're doing that weird Delta 8 stuff, right?

Speaker 29 I get I don't really know the industry that well.

Speaker 53 I just buy it and smoke it.

Speaker 134 No, but I like organic stuff.

Speaker 33 Like I've worked on a mushroom farm, apple farm, all kinds of stuff.

Speaker 82 Okay.

Speaker 29 It sounds very healthy.

Speaker 138 Are you a healthy guy?

Speaker 134 I try to be healthy. It's kind of tough when you move to a new city and you're not connected to farm stuff.

Speaker 17 Mostly you do eat healthy.

Speaker 119 Yeah, I think so.

Speaker 47 It's guilty pleasure for for you.

Speaker 41 What's something that you eat that's unhealthy?

Speaker 120 Guilty pleasure.

Speaker 134 I love doughnuts, like voodoo donuts down the way.

Speaker 134 Kind of been fucking me up lately.

Speaker 138 Yeah, how has it been fucking you up?

Speaker 134 Well, so I live in a van, and I gotta find a...

Speaker 33 What? That's not funny. Shut up.

Speaker 17 Nobody laughed.

Speaker 97 You're right.

Speaker 65 You can't just be like, hey, stop.

Speaker 103 That's not funny.

Speaker 147 But like, everyone was just completely silent.

Speaker 122 He's dreaming.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 100 I just, I wish they would laugh.

Speaker 15 Dreaming of donuts over here.

Speaker 134 But no, like, I got to find a place to piss in the morning. So I'm walking down, and it's always voodoo donuts.
And like, I'm trying, you know, to eat healthy, like you said.

Speaker 134 But if you get, you know, I feel guilty just going in and asking to use the bathroom.

Speaker 41 So I got to get like at least three or four.

Speaker 75 You eat three or four donuts daily. Yeah.

Speaker 53 RFK Jr., what do we think about three or four daily donuts?

Speaker 12 Well,

Speaker 11 it depends what kind you're talking. What sort of donut are you talking about?

Speaker 75 That's a good question.

Speaker 25 Are there certain donuts?

Speaker 117 Yeah, there's definitely a bunch.

Speaker 63 They make actually a delicious bison donut by me and those are actually quite healthy.

Speaker 83 By the way, here I have some kangaroo meat.

Speaker 3 If you want to take a bite off that, you actually have kangaroo meat?

Speaker 11 Kangaroo meat.

Speaker 83 It's really high in vitamin Q if anybody's interested in trying.

Speaker 83 All right. Nice.

Speaker 132 Something about RFK Jr.,

Speaker 92 I don't even laugh.

Speaker 103 I go directly to cracking the fuck up.

Speaker 139 It's pretty, pretty special.

Speaker 134 I can't believe my hero is on stage right now.

Speaker 134 I've never been vaccinated.

Speaker 93 And like

Speaker 107 my mom.

Speaker 134 You're like my mom's biggest hero, too.

Speaker 11 All right. I like to hear that.

Speaker 85 Have you tried any owl urine?

Speaker 137 This

Speaker 11 cures measles, mumps, and I'm hoping herpes.

Speaker 21 Please God.

Speaker 84 Please God.

Speaker 11 Take away the itch.

Speaker 103 Holy shit.

Speaker 143 So Simon,

Speaker 165 what do you do for fun?

Speaker 138 What's a guy that you out in Telluride do for fun?

Speaker 134 Well, Intelluride, it's skiing, snowboarding, whitewater rafting.

Speaker 134 Yeah, I do all these things. But here, I've been two-stepping.

Speaker 35 Oh, really?

Speaker 58 Yeah. You just never see blacks.

Speaker 57 Right?

Speaker 123 I mean, when do you.

Speaker 134 They come for one festival in Telluride. It's called Blues and Brews, and they're all on stage, and we're just staring at them.

Speaker 134 Wow.

Speaker 11 Wow.

Speaker 11 Blues and bruise?

Speaker 100 Yeah, like beer.

Speaker 95 Oh, I expected it to be B-R-U-I-S-E

Speaker 128 because they beat up people.

Speaker 11 Okay.

Speaker 132 I want to see this two-step.

Speaker 24 How many of you think we should see him two-step?

Speaker 26 One, two,

Speaker 26 one, two, three, four.

Speaker 112 Wow, it's a giant.

Speaker 47 It's a giant woman you're dancing with.

Speaker 80 Whoa.

Speaker 11 Rudolph the Red Snows reindeer

Speaker 158 had a very shiny toes.

Speaker 158 Hey, God queer. And if you ever saw him,

Speaker 12 you would even say it close.

Speaker 158 All of the other reindeer

Speaker 12 used to laugh

Speaker 130 I'm gonna kick him in the goddamn head.

Speaker 16 I am having

Speaker 47 I am having so much fun right now.

Speaker 21 Oh my god

Speaker 46 Yeah, it's real hard to stepping alone.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 135 Yeah. All right.

Speaker 29 Obviously, it's also hard doing comedy alone when you're you.

Speaker 49 So, Simon, Simon, Simon, what's your love life like up in Telluride?

Speaker 134 Uh, Telluride, nothing.

Speaker 100 Here, I had a girlfriend, and she.

Speaker 121 So, wait, you moved here?

Speaker 49 Yeah. Okay, I must have missed that.
How long ago?

Speaker 134 Uh, like a month ago.

Speaker 35 Okay.

Speaker 36 Halloween. You had a girlfriend here already?

Speaker 134 Yeah, I jumped into these things real quick.

Speaker 29 How'd that go?

Speaker 134 Um,

Speaker 134 not great. Huh? I, uh, she two-stepped right out of my life.

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 134 And,

Speaker 134 yeah, actually,

Speaker 134 I was going to call her today and kind of say, hey, we can still be friends.

Speaker 36 Did she tell you why she left you?

Speaker 134 No.

Speaker 115 No.

Speaker 15 Can you tell why?

Speaker 103 Can you tell why? Yeah. Why?

Speaker 101 Just basically how I am.

Speaker 134 I'm like, I'm awkward and I get too attached to.

Speaker 65 You did?

Speaker 139 Can you give an example of how you got too attached to this woman?

Speaker 125 And how soon after you guys started hanging out did you get attached?

Speaker 100 Oh, instantly.

Speaker 29 But I was trying to to play it off.

Speaker 55 Yeah, so give me some time.

Speaker 134 Well, I always rush into these things because, like,

Speaker 134 it's kind of a trick to get that. Like, if someone cares about you, it's really easy to care about yourself.
But then, like, when that person leaves, like, I'm supposed to still care about myself.

Speaker 134 I fucking don't. But, like, you know, when I mean take care of yourself, I mean, like, clean my room.
Because someone will come see it.

Speaker 105 I thought you lived in a van.

Speaker 93 It is a van.

Speaker 29 Well, okay, my room is my van.

Speaker 107 Why do you say yoke like that?

Speaker 49 Like, it's your fucking van.

Speaker 132 You're saying it like...

Speaker 79 There's room in it.

Speaker 103 You call it your room?

Speaker 65 You didn't say I need to clean my van.

Speaker 92 You call it a room?

Speaker 150 Yeah, it's my living room.

Speaker 78 Wow.

Speaker 122 That's amazing.

Speaker 134 And it's like, it's a bus.

Speaker 150 It's big.

Speaker 135 Uh-huh.

Speaker 66 All right.

Speaker 126 Well, okay.

Speaker 52 So did you what what did you say that or do that was so clingy?

Speaker 134 Um right after I got on kill tony the first time you've been on before yeah i was here like three or four weeks ago holy

Speaker 134 you you made me talk about having lichen sclerosis which by the way i've admitted to like my parents and then you and everybody in the world okay um

Speaker 100 yeah did you look different a few weeks ago i had a beard okay that'll do it yeah

Speaker 24 Here's a little joke book, Simon.

Speaker 157 Congratulations.

Speaker 8 You've been pulled out of the bucket twice in a month.

Speaker 31 new icy hot nighttime recovery relieves pain at nighttime while your body recovers icy hot you're so back

Speaker 168 yo this is important man uh my favorite lululemon shorts the ones you got me back in the day i think they're called pacebreakers the ones with all the pockets i just got back from vacation and i left them in my hotel room and dude i need to replace these shorts i wear them like three times a week could you send me the link to where you got them oh also my birthday's coming up soon so anyways thanks, bro.

Speaker 166 Talk soon. Looking for your newest go-to's? Lululemon What's New Gear drops on Tuesdays?

Speaker 167 Every Tuesday.

Speaker 166 Head to Lululemon.com to shop What's New Gear?

Speaker 17 There you go.

Speaker 97 A freak of nature out there touring, selling out absolutely everywhere.

Speaker 23 Truly one of the fastest growing comics in the world.

Speaker 96 This is a brand new minute from the one and only the great and powerful.

Speaker 60 This is Cam Patterson

Speaker 10 So I'm still trying to do like the acting thing or whatnot and I had like audition for a role a couple weeks ago and I it was for a drug dealer.

Speaker 106 So right on time, right?

Speaker 10 So I thought I had it in the bag and then I got there and there was a lady with a camera and a gay dude right and we was reading our lines and shit and he was reading the whip me but he was reading the lines as my girlfriend.

Speaker 10 That's crazy, right? So I'm saying my lines and whatnot. I'm like a bitch here go to drugs and then his line is oh my gosh I love you so much

Speaker 10 and every time he said that I laughed because that's funny right like what the fuck and he'll be like you got to be more serious I'd be like no problem he said again and I laugh again and I'm gonna tell you something.

Speaker 10 I should get that role man because I was that was fucking great acting dog. He had no idea I was homophobic.

Speaker 116 You understand?

Speaker 10 And if you think I'm deadass, I'm not homophobic. I have no problem with gay people.
I have gays in my family. I don't talk to them, but

Speaker 10 they're in my family.

Speaker 106 I tell you that much.

Speaker 106 Have my time. There it goes.

Speaker 18 There it is, exactly a minute.

Speaker 27 RFK Jr.

Speaker 67 Tony, I haven't looked to my right yet.

Speaker 63 Is it a black guy?

Speaker 56 It is. It's a y'all.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 87 Oh, that would be so racist.

Speaker 112 Who you thought it was?

Speaker 11 I don't know. I just wanted to make sure.

Speaker 10 You the dude with the health shit? You be doing health and shit?

Speaker 111 I do the health shit.

Speaker 137 Hell yeah.

Speaker 140 That's good.

Speaker 28 That is his official title.

Speaker 94 The health shit.

Speaker 138 The health shit.

Speaker 106 Hell yeah.

Speaker 11 Yeah. That's hard, man.

Speaker 47 How about another hand for the great Cam Patterson coming out?

Speaker 18 Getting some of the biggest pops of the night.

Speaker 55 Big pops of laughter.

Speaker 62 It was fun, man.

Speaker 55 Hell yeah. It's all happening.
Hell yeah.

Speaker 51 You really went on an audition for that?

Speaker 10 Yeah, no, no, well, yeah, I did. Yeah, I was already in L.A.
doing shit. Yeah.

Speaker 45 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 10 And so, yeah. But it was funny.
I'm not going to get the part at all, but it was funny.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 10 I got a joke out of it.

Speaker 29 Yeah, you did. That's all that matters.
See?

Speaker 70 Well worth it.

Speaker 37 And you still might get the role.

Speaker 35 Hopefully.

Speaker 146 Was it for like a big thing?

Speaker 33 Yeah, it's pretty big.

Speaker 120 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 70 Sounds about right.

Speaker 126 A rising star.

Speaker 29 What's that under under your hat tonight

Speaker 82 nothing there's something there no it's not yeah huh there's a little something is that it is that it what we call is that a do rag

Speaker 128 whoa oh my goodness

Speaker 51 it's like you're like a black genie oh my goodness whoa whoa

Speaker 51 Wow

Speaker 112 Wow.

Speaker 142 What's up? Oh, it's you.

Speaker 79 It's you.

Speaker 11 I got really scared for a second.

Speaker 10 It's a ski mag because it's cold and shit be cold outside. And I ain't got no haircut.
So it helped with my hairline and shit like that. Hell yeah.

Speaker 10 A lot of people don't have that problem because y'all don't have y'all hair don't.

Speaker 36 You feel what I'm saying?

Speaker 38 You get what I'm saying?

Speaker 35 Help, nigga. Right?

Speaker 116 Yeah, go for it.

Speaker 17 The help nigga get what I'm saying.

Speaker 109 That's right, my answer.

Speaker 141 Hell yeah.

Speaker 106 This is good, man. Hell yeah.
This is nice.

Speaker 141 I feel ya.

Speaker 57 Hell yeah.

Speaker 59 R.F.K.

Speaker 47 Jr., a true politician, able to talk to any type of person.

Speaker 10 You, the one with the worm in your brain,

Speaker 106 type shit. Hell yeah, that's hard.

Speaker 106 It's good, man. Hell yeah.
It's fun.

Speaker 48 So, what's going on under there?

Speaker 17 It looks like

Speaker 103 some stuff like happening underneath.

Speaker 141 Under my head? Yeah.

Speaker 10 Why, like, I didn't get a haircut in a minute, so my hair looked crazy.

Speaker 33 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 119 So, fuck no, bitch.

Speaker 21 Wow.

Speaker 10 No.

Speaker 101 Hell no.

Speaker 101 My goodness.

Speaker 10 I'll take it off for $200.

Speaker 105 Whoa, $200,

Speaker 105 lady.

Speaker 119 Bitch.

Speaker 10 Do you have the money, white bitch?

Speaker 47 Nope, she says no.

Speaker 60 She does not have the money.

Speaker 7 Shocker.

Speaker 23 So what else is going on, Cam?

Speaker 10 I was in Rochester, New York this weekend. Yeah, that place is fucking terrible.

Speaker 6 It is terrible.

Speaker 30 It's so interesting to me.

Speaker 52 You and William.

Speaker 47 You were in Rochester. He was in Buffalo.

Speaker 70 Truly, as I've said so many times before, absolutely two of the worst places in the United States of America.

Speaker 55 Upstate New York is the worst.

Speaker 119 Yeah, man.

Speaker 10 They had this shit out there called a garbage plate, and it was just like, it's exactly what you think it is, a bunch of bullshit on the plate. Puerto Rican food.

Speaker 56 Oh,

Speaker 95 shut up.

Speaker 123 Come on.

Speaker 56 Shut up.

Speaker 67 The Puerto Ricans. Exactly.
Oh, extra.

Speaker 142 Tony makes another joke about Puerto Rico.

Speaker 107 Extra. When did you get that?

Speaker 119 That's a new one. Got a button.

Speaker 48 Wow, you got a few new ones.

Speaker 49 First time the soundboard has changed in seven and a half years.

Speaker 41 For those of you keeping track, very exciting.

Speaker 49 What else do you have there that's new? Anything else good?

Speaker 62 No?

Speaker 70 Nothing.

Speaker 116 Nothing that you're proud of there.

Speaker 112 Never heard of them.

Speaker 130 And don't want to to hear of them.

Speaker 101 Oh, I just got it. I just understood what that was.

Speaker 10 That's funny.

Speaker 128 That is

Speaker 78 so funny.

Speaker 141 Fuck you get glasses from?

Speaker 10 He always had glasses?

Speaker 83 Sorry, I'm distracting.

Speaker 117 I was sending a dick pic to a journalist.

Speaker 96 I love it.

Speaker 105 So, Cam, what were we talking about?

Speaker 10 Rochester? Garbage plate.

Speaker 89 Yo, yeah, garbage plate.

Speaker 10 Ass, nigga, it's terrible.

Speaker 141 It's, it's, uh,

Speaker 10 it was, uh, it, it was, it made me mad because they really stood by that bullshit. And it was me, Jolly, and my other homeboy Jar, who was all there.
My cameraman is white.

Speaker 119 I got a white cameraman.

Speaker 10 Thank you. Yeah.
Reparations, you know what I'm saying? White people out of shit like that.

Speaker 119 I'm a good person.

Speaker 102 You feel what I'm saying? One of the good ones.

Speaker 67 Whoa, whoa, whoa, what? What?

Speaker 35 oh i'm sorry i'm sorry

Speaker 10 so i got a white cameraman right and we opened all our we opened our food up and it was the garbage place in front of us and my cameraman just went y'all want to be slaves so bad that's how that's how terrible the food was looked like slave food it was terrible wow it was god awful made me upset i wanted to kill those people yeah people was cool though the food was god awful dog freezing cold up there it was cold as yeah it was cool i like the cold now man i'm a I'm a real travel person.

Speaker 10 You know what I'm saying? I'd be all around the world. I be seeing snow and shit like that.
It don't even phase me no more. Yeah.
I just see snow and I go, that's snow, pussy.

Speaker 107 And I keep moving.

Speaker 146 That's right.

Speaker 51 Well, I've been around the world now.

Speaker 106 Thanks to you, Tony.

Speaker 109 I appreciate that, brother.

Speaker 123 Hell yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 21 Hell yeah. All around the world.

Speaker 22 Always writing, always working.

Speaker 49 A non-stop, fucking undeniable machine. Hell yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen, the great and powerful Cam Patterson is your brother.

Speaker 25 Another new minute amazing sometimes how the people that do it every week

Speaker 110 You know this has been a real sausage fest. Come on.

Speaker 22 Yeah, we're gonna see what happens next.

Speaker 16 This is a one-word name anything could happen could be a boy could be a girl ladies and gentlemen make some noise for law L-A-W.

Speaker 138 It's law everybody

Speaker 170 So when I was in high school, girls would play this game called Fuck, Marry, Kill.

Speaker 113 And it's like where you make a list on who do you rather fuck, marry, or kill.

Speaker 113 And one time this girl made a list of me,

Speaker 104 Shrek,

Speaker 171 and the donkey from Shrek.

Speaker 93 Yeah, guess who got killed?

Speaker 113 The girl who made the list.

Speaker 113 Yeah, so my cousin, my cousin just came out as gay on Facebook

Speaker 117 because I have his password

Speaker 171 I remember one time my girlfriend and I were having sex and she kept saying, is it in yet?

Speaker 113 And as a man, that's not something you want to hear.

Speaker 170 When you're fisting your girlfriend.

Speaker 22 Appreciate Law, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 21 What up?

Speaker 95 The Kill Tony debut of Law.

Speaker 107 What's good, brother?

Speaker 62 Wow.

Speaker 52 Very impressive.

Speaker 70 Welcome, welcome.

Speaker 154 Thanks for having me, man. man.

Speaker 72 This is the first time I've seen your stand-up, but I have seen you around here.

Speaker 75 You work here at the mothership now. I do.

Speaker 49 Amazing stuff.

Speaker 22 Adam knows how to pick them.

Speaker 22 Amazing.

Speaker 73 Do you sign up for the show often?

Speaker 171 I mean, yeah, when I'm working, yeah, I'll be chilling.

Speaker 23 I love it. I love it.
How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 41 Four years. Four years.
Where at?

Speaker 169 Baltimore, Maryland.

Speaker 105 And you moved here how long ago?

Speaker 171 Like six months ago.

Speaker 30 Six months ago.

Speaker 70 Yeah. You love it here?

Speaker 33 Oh, it's great, man.

Speaker 171 So many white bitches.

Speaker 30 Yeah, there's a lot of them.

Speaker 171 I didn't like them at first, but now I do.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 105 Why didn't you like them at first?

Speaker 72 What do you prefer?

Speaker 75 What's the pluses and minuses of the white bitches?

Speaker 169 Racism?

Speaker 35 No,

Speaker 170 white bitches, the pros, it's just a cultural thing.

Speaker 171 You know, Baltimore, all the white bitches do heroin.

Speaker 21 So,

Speaker 171 yeah, out here, it's just like ecstasy and shit.

Speaker 15 So

Speaker 169 it's pretty chill.

Speaker 171 The cons,

Speaker 171 yeah, their dads hate me.

Speaker 18 Right.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 82 So that makes sense.

Speaker 169 I feel like I'm a lovable guy.

Speaker 33 You are. Appreciate you.

Speaker 72 Yeah, I could see that.

Speaker 52 You're extremely likable.

Speaker 41 Your delivery is incredible.

Speaker 37 Writing, execution, fucking everything amazing.

Speaker 35 Thanks, man.

Speaker 172 What have you been doing for work up until this point?

Speaker 171 I was a middle school special education teacher.

Speaker 29 Whoa.

Speaker 21 You could hear all the white women going

Speaker 119 all at once.

Speaker 74 They really all hit that note.

Speaker 150 Yes, sir.

Speaker 29 Amazing. What was that like for you?

Speaker 171 Oh, it sucked. Yeah.

Speaker 38 It was terrible.

Speaker 169 I mean,

Speaker 171 I did it in, it was in Baltimore, so it was just chaos.

Speaker 127 Yeah.

Speaker 171 You know, it's hard to teach a kid after he's called you a negative.

Speaker 108 You know what I mean? Right.

Speaker 169 It's pretty difficult. Yeah.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 169 But I had to do it.

Speaker 115 Yeah. You know?

Speaker 171 I taught that kid about slavery and everything.

Speaker 81 Yeah.

Speaker 103 They're allowed to call you that in that type of school, right?

Speaker 171 Unfortunately, yes. Yeah.

Speaker 15 Yes.

Speaker 15 That would have been fun.

Speaker 32 Well, but you can't.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 113 We can restrain them, though.

Speaker 171 So like I had to, I had to like learn different holds to restrain a kid.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 171 So like I did get a couple of licks in him.

Speaker 127 Hell yeah.

Speaker 71 Absolutely.

Speaker 25 Were there any special ones that stood out to you?

Speaker 35 Oh man.

Speaker 33 Oh yes. Yeah.

Speaker 171 I mean I'm not going to say his name I guess. Right.
His name was Wayne.

Speaker 104 And

Speaker 120 it was this this chunky ass white kid.

Speaker 169 And uh

Speaker 120 I mean obviously he was he was racist, but he like loved me.

Speaker 171 So, all of the races would come towards me. So, he would get into these things called like crises, to where, like, he would just flip the table

Speaker 171 and you know, he'd hit all the kids, throw the desks,

Speaker 171 and then he'd say the N-word, and he'd be like, See, you're making me racist.

Speaker 49 I don't think this guy had any mental problems whatsoever.

Speaker 21 Yeah, it was

Speaker 169 it was it was it was tough, you know.

Speaker 171 But at the end of the day, I mean he he loved like cops, like police officers.

Speaker 35 Yeah, they all do. Yeah.

Speaker 81 We, we, we.

Speaker 123 Yeah, it's just the lights on the car. Yeah.

Speaker 119 Yeah.

Speaker 171 And so we would just bring in a police officer at the end of the day, and he would just be chilling with Wayne.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 171 And then I get to leave.

Speaker 30 You left him with the police officer?

Speaker 35 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 173 You know,

Speaker 171 you could teach the cops and stuff, I guess.

Speaker 171 Or they could teach him.

Speaker 85 You know, Tony, I hate to interrupt this, but I'm getting a little...

Speaker 58 What did you say your name was?

Speaker 169 His name?

Speaker 63 Your name.

Speaker 115 Law?

Speaker 12 Law, yeah.

Speaker 11 I'm sorry.

Speaker 110 I just, I don't, I probably shouldn't tell this story, but um.

Speaker 11 I was in Da Nang about eight clicks out of Saigon and I was helping this girl across the border.

Speaker 85 Her name was Law, and I haven't thought about her in years.

Speaker 58 Anyway, she stepped on a landmine and it

Speaker 58 blew her into two pieces, and it was like a chicken when she kept walking as two separate beings.

Speaker 58 And she came to me like, Help!

Speaker 83 And I pushed her together, but it was too late.

Speaker 110 But, anyways, it was a funny set.

Speaker 110 Oh my goodness.

Speaker 119 Law.

Speaker 140 So being raised,

Speaker 115 being raised in Baltimore, you were around a lot of black men, right?

Speaker 154 Yeah.

Speaker 82 And your name is Law, L-A-W.

Speaker 72 So did a lot of those guys try to break you?

Speaker 69 Because I hear that they love breaking.

Speaker 169 Black men breaking me?

Speaker 29 Breaking laws. Black men love love breaking laws.

Speaker 49 Your name is Law.

Speaker 169 I got nervous at first.

Speaker 47 Oh, John Dees is booing my black men breaking laws joke.

Speaker 127 Okay.

Speaker 147 Looks like I'll have to run for office next year.

Speaker 30 I thought it was smart.

Speaker 41 I've never met a black guy named Law before, but all right.

Speaker 35 Welcome.

Speaker 70 Huh? Oh, yeah.

Speaker 35 Yep. That's me.

Speaker 37 Do you have any hobbies or anything like that other than stand-up comedy? Anything that you're interested in?

Speaker 169 Yeah, I mean, I read a lot of books.

Speaker 37 Yeah.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 73 What kind of books?

Speaker 169 All right. So

Speaker 171 I guess urban fiction.

Speaker 41 What exactly is that? Like Tales from the Hood?

Speaker 94 Yeah.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 57 Yeah.

Speaker 115 Yeah.

Speaker 35 All right.

Speaker 169 So it's it's like this author called Donald Goines.

Speaker 171 So, you know, a hood nigga.

Speaker 169 And uh.

Speaker 73 My type of person. Yeah.

Speaker 171 So he has this novel. It's called Whore Son.

Speaker 171 So it's about, like, a prostitute, like a mom, and she gives birth to a son. And she's like, well, I'm a whore, and that's my son.
So we're going to call him Whoreson Jones.

Speaker 93 This is a real book.

Speaker 169 Like, I'm.

Speaker 113 So, and, like, so pretty much.

Speaker 169 He just becomes like a

Speaker 33 pimp.

Speaker 46 Is this erotic fiction that you're reading?

Speaker 132 Like, is this like?

Speaker 171 I mean, if you like hidden women and stuff like that.

Speaker 79 Is this like

Speaker 47 and it's about black people?

Speaker 6 Yeah, he's like a pimp.

Speaker 68 Is there a special like black library that you go to or something, somewhere where you just take the books and don't check them out?

Speaker 25 You just leave with them or something like that.

Speaker 150 You should just steal the books.

Speaker 171 Yeah, it's like it's like a one-shelf in Barnes and Noble

Speaker 65 with all the security cameras for it.

Speaker 64 It's worth saying.

Speaker 21 Yeah.

Speaker 6 Law, I am positive.

Speaker 127 You're so funny.

Speaker 49 I just know it.

Speaker 128 Adam has the best eye for talent here.

Speaker 41 And if you work here and if you have multiple minutes, anything like that minute that you did, what's the longest set you've ever done before?

Speaker 171 25 minutes.

Speaker 30 What's the biggest audience you've ever performed in front of before?

Speaker 171 Biggest audience.

Speaker 82 About how many people?

Speaker 73 Just ballpark it.

Speaker 15 Probably like 500.

Speaker 70 Very cool.

Speaker 55 Would you like like to do a minute on december 30th live from the h eb center in arena sold out already

Speaker 18 it'll be the new biggest audience you've performed in front of by absolutely thousands and thousands of people appreciate it i would love to have you on the secret show thursday if you can i'm in there and of course you're getting a big joke book

Speaker 18 That's it the total package.

Speaker 13 He's performing in an arena appreciate appreciate it law ladies and gentlemen

Speaker 18 Be on the lookout for this guy.

Speaker 51 That is, that's funny.

Speaker 77 That guy's funny.

Speaker 103 All right, we're moving back to the bucket, everybody.

Speaker 25 You guys still having fun out there?

Speaker 12 Oh, shit.

Speaker 30 One of Kid Rock's ex-girlfriends is going to the bathroom.

Speaker 25 There she goes.

Speaker 127 All right.

Speaker 51 Another one-word name.

Speaker 103 Back-to-back.

Speaker 91 Make some noise for Taja or Taija.

Speaker 95 Taja.

Speaker 107 How y'all doing?

Speaker 174 How the rest of y'all doing?

Speaker 174 Good, good. Now y'all look good, man.
It's a very diverse room

Speaker 171 of white people.

Speaker 174 Now, white people make some noise.

Speaker 174 All right, black people make some noise.

Speaker 140 Don't make no more noise, bitch.

Speaker 140 That shit was crazy, nigga.

Speaker 35 Nah, nah, look, okay, okay.

Speaker 174 Let me get into it, man.

Speaker 120 I just went bowling with my grandfather, man.

Speaker 174 70 years old. We can give it up for that.

Speaker 121 We can give it up for that. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 93 He whooped my ass, though.

Speaker 174 Beat the shit out of me. After he beat me, he got in my face.

Speaker 106 He said, that's how you bowl, nigga.

Speaker 174 My granddad's white, by the way.

Speaker 174 Like that, like my racist granddad.

Speaker 101 He looked like you, nigga. I ain't gonna lie.

Speaker 174 Nah, man, I am biracial, though. I grew up with a white dad, and it's crazy.
He used to make me do yard work all the time.

Speaker 174 Some shit just don't feel right.

Speaker 123 You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 174 No,

Speaker 174 he used to say, no, you need to make sure that y'all look nice so people don't think we white trash.

Speaker 174 I was like, we?

Speaker 101 They gonna think I'm a slave, boy. You gotta.

Speaker 174 All right, that's my time. Thank y'all.
My name's Said.

Speaker 131 Okay.

Speaker 65 Taja. Am I saying that right?

Speaker 42 Tajay.

Speaker 99 Tajay.

Speaker 151 T-A-I-J-A.

Speaker 82 That's a tough one.

Speaker 49 Everybody mispronounces that one, right?

Speaker 112 Oh, God. I knew a girl.

Speaker 112 Never mind.

Speaker 123 Oh, I want to know. I want to.

Speaker 3 Oh, come on. Don't hold back.

Speaker 107 Now.

Speaker 87 Not as tame as the last story.

Speaker 66 Well,

Speaker 65 the one where you put a person split in two back together.

Speaker 83 It's worse than that one, and I'd rather not say it.

Speaker 110 All right, Tony, it's a comedy shotgun.

Speaker 93 Tajay, Tajay. Well,

Speaker 11 so you're half white.

Speaker 82 What's the other half exactly?

Speaker 165 Black is here. Just straight up black.

Speaker 36 Just straight black, straight black.

Speaker 71 Interesting. Interesting.

Speaker 92 Ethiopian?

Speaker 174 Nah, nigga, just like...

Speaker 106 Do you get that a lot?

Speaker 174 Nah. I get a lot of like miscellaneous shit, though.
Like,

Speaker 3 Michelanian.

Speaker 35 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 107 And star.

Speaker 75 Michelanian?

Speaker 174 Miscellaneous?

Speaker 123 I'm saying that right, right?

Speaker 81 Now you are.

Speaker 175 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 10 I'm saying it right, nigga.

Speaker 3 You fixed it.

Speaker 47 You said Michelanian twice.

Speaker 140 Miscellaneous.

Speaker 70 Yep.

Speaker 35 Okay, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 62 We there. We there.

Speaker 70 I love it. We there.

Speaker 147 Okay, so

Speaker 73 just regular black and white.

Speaker 54 Dad's white, mom's black.

Speaker 17 Are they still together?

Speaker 122 Hell no.

Speaker 50 Why not?

Speaker 174 My mama, crazy, bro. She just a crazy bitch, but she crazy.

Speaker 93 I love her, but she crazy.

Speaker 82 I love it.

Speaker 102 Tell me more about your crazy black mother.

Speaker 174 She got a she got multiple sclerosis.

Speaker 174 Y'all know what that is? Yeah, but I think she's lying, though. That's the thing.
I think I don't think she's being for real. Because she likes to smoke.

Speaker 174 So when she got it, she got a weed card, her little license, or whatever.

Speaker 120 And yeah, I think she's lying, man.

Speaker 93 I do think she's lying.

Speaker 174 My dad's reasonably crazier, though.

Speaker 28 Hey, tell us about your crazy white.

Speaker 174 He got three baby mamas.

Speaker 174 Yeah, yeah, I said baby mamas.

Speaker 120 So they all black. They're all black.

Speaker 70 Wow.

Speaker 174 He smoked black and mouse.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 6 This is a white guy.

Speaker 175 Yeah, really white.

Speaker 93 He kind of looked like Red Band, just a little bit.

Speaker 66 That's a white guy.

Speaker 101 Y'all think I'm bullshit, nigga. No cap?

Speaker 174 No cap. No cap on God, nigga.

Speaker 123 Bet.

Speaker 90 What's his name? Like Roger or something?

Speaker 140 Does he have a white cap?

Speaker 3 Harley.

Speaker 11 Harley? Like a.

Speaker 35 Yeah. What is it? Oh.

Speaker 36 What the fuck is that, nigga? That's amazing. Yeah, he's incredible.

Speaker 138 What does he do for a living?

Speaker 120 He's a realtor.

Speaker 121 Really?

Speaker 65 He sells real estate.

Speaker 175 Yeah.

Speaker 50 And he's got three black baby mamas.

Speaker 35 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 75 This is absolutely incredible.

Speaker 37 RFK.

Speaker 58 Who is the one with the MS?

Speaker 11 Is that my mama? All right.

Speaker 83 I want you to do something because I can cure this.

Speaker 12 All right, listen.

Speaker 87 No, I'm being, I want you to give her this.

Speaker 117 It looks like a lifesaver, but it's not.

Speaker 83 This is dehydrated bat cum.

Speaker 85 It's, it's got, no, it's,

Speaker 76 that's all you need to do.

Speaker 112 Just have it.

Speaker 83 She'll be as good as gold in the morning.

Speaker 61 Real nigga.

Speaker 153 All right.

Speaker 6 Yep.

Speaker 52 So, what do you do for a living?

Speaker 120 I'm an electrician, but I ain't working right now.

Speaker 37 Really?

Speaker 37 You know how to electric?

Speaker 174 Yeah, I know how to do that shit. Yeah.
You know.

Speaker 121 Where'd you learn that at?

Speaker 62 School?

Speaker 174 Trade school. Trade school, yeah.

Speaker 120 Yeah.

Speaker 52 What do you do for fun?

Speaker 55 For some hobbies other than stand-up comedy.

Speaker 34 No, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 174 I've been eating a lot of pussy with my shoes on.

Speaker 123 Okay, that makes sense.

Speaker 79 You look like Britney Griner, so that makes sense.

Speaker 75 Eating pussy with your shoes on.

Speaker 47 Is there a reason why you leave your shoes on?

Speaker 123 Nigga, because if it tastes bad, I can walk right out of that motherfucker.

Speaker 93 I ain't bullshit, nigga. Right.

Speaker 47 And if it smells bad, it's definitely not your feet.

Speaker 6 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 76 I guess, yeah.

Speaker 105 Indeed, sometimes the taste of pussy is so terrible that I cannot even take the time to put my shoes on.

Speaker 140 I must have them on already.

Speaker 24 I'm just like you, Taja.

Speaker 107 Tajay, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 142 Tajay.

Speaker 56 Ta.

Speaker 11 Jay.

Speaker 11 Tajay.

Speaker 93 I'm going to write it like I sound it out.

Speaker 44 Taj shit.

Speaker 47 Okay, how many times have you eaten a pussy in which you would need your shoes on to immediately evacuate the premises in a timely, unbelievably timely manner?

Speaker 96 And how many licks does it take before you realize it's too many, before it's too, not good enough for you?

Speaker 174 It happens pretty fast, because like you can notice soon as you pull the pants down that shit'll just hit you

Speaker 101 you know what i'm saying yeah i ain't like i ain't eat bad pussy before

Speaker 81 yeah but that seems like it happens a lot for you to leave your shoes on by default

Speaker 68 have you ever have you ever taken everything off except for your shoes no that'll be really black

Speaker 11 that's super black i wouldn't do that that is super black

Speaker 49 yeah that is super black because black people in porns leave their socks and sometimes their shoes on sometimes their shoes you ever watch porno with blacks red band.

Speaker 126 Yeah, only the black women though not black guys.

Speaker 47 There you go. He has to make it look like he's

Speaker 114 super straight

Speaker 51 Can't even have guys in my porn. It's just women on women on women

Speaker 126 black women get like you know from behind.

Speaker 15 It's so good.

Speaker 17 What what from behind?

Speaker 47 I want to know if you can even guess what happens in a porno with women

Speaker 123 Okay.

Speaker 35 I do have a girlfriend though.

Speaker 107 You do have a girlfriend, and you take your shoes off for her.

Speaker 120 Nah, her pussy smells good, nigga.

Speaker 49 Right. Yeah.
That's what I'm saying. So it's shoes off.

Speaker 107 Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Speaker 121 You're comfortable.

Speaker 15 Yeah.

Speaker 94 Okay.

Speaker 82 How long have you been with this girl?

Speaker 44 About five years.

Speaker 61 What does she do?

Speaker 174 She actually is in school to be a gynecologist.

Speaker 94 Wow. Yeah.

Speaker 35 Yeah.

Speaker 36 That's amazing.

Speaker 72 Does she ever teach you any of the cool things that she learns?

Speaker 120 Nah, no, I don't think so.

Speaker 124 Wow.

Speaker 83 It's a totally unnecessary profession, but okay, good.

Speaker 67 You just need to eat wheatgrass, ladies.

Speaker 63 Just have wheatgrass every three days.

Speaker 87 You're fine.

Speaker 49 Wheatgrass would make gynecologists completely obsolete.

Speaker 11 Bad cum.

Speaker 140 I don't want a bad cum.

Speaker 69 It's for your mother.

Speaker 82 It's for your mother's multiple sclerosises.

Speaker 36 You're right, you're right.

Speaker 83 Wrap it in wheatgrass.

Speaker 3 I love it. Tajay,

Speaker 105 you have any

Speaker 49 special skills or talents other than stand-up comedy?

Speaker 126 You ever been good at anything?

Speaker 174 Yeah, I play a little bit of guitar, a small bit of guitar.

Speaker 120 Really? Yeah, that's my wife's side.

Speaker 120 Really?

Speaker 48 He comes out.

Speaker 139 When's the last time you played guitar?

Speaker 38 Do you own a guitar?

Speaker 174 Two weeks ago, I own three guitars.

Speaker 105 You own three guitars?

Speaker 49 I want to see this guy play guitar.

Speaker 17 Heidi, can we get the guitar out here?

Speaker 26 This has been a music-heavy episode.

Speaker 174 Can you put it in drop D?

Speaker 174 I'll put it in drop D. Don't worry about it.

Speaker 151 Yeah, drop D.

Speaker 33 What the hell?

Speaker 110 Jesus Christ, Cheryl Hill, right?

Speaker 64 Dragon?

Speaker 45 Drop D.

Speaker 75 Andy needs a pick.

Speaker 102 Give him a hair pick, somebody.

Speaker 49 How does that not get a bigger?

Speaker 103 You guys have have any black friends out there

Speaker 103 can i get a pick a hair pick nothing from these people like why would he need a hair pick tony why would i why would they possibly ever want a hair pick

Speaker 78 jingle bells jingle bells jingle all the way

Speaker 158 the homers of the play hey jingle bell

Speaker 27 An amazing rendition of jingle bells from

Speaker 123 the first nigga to play guitar.

Speaker 156 Never mind, never mind.

Speaker 174 First black nigga I can see that can play guitar. We go.

Speaker 5 No, we've had black guitar players on before.

Speaker 126 Madison Square Garden and whatnot, but

Speaker 41 you are the first half black to play guitar.

Speaker 135 Half black.

Speaker 34 I forgot to tell you, my girlfriend is Puerto Rican, Tony.

Speaker 122 Oh, okay.

Speaker 11 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 157 Did she vote this election?

Speaker 174 No, no, no, but she heard about the incident.

Speaker 11 Yeah, what did she have to say?

Speaker 174 She wasn't even mad, nigga. She wasn't mad at all.

Speaker 10 Seems she's dating a comedian.

Speaker 85 He's called you the N-word like five times.

Speaker 119 Yeah, I think we're probably gonna.

Speaker 84 Did you do something about it?

Speaker 57 No.

Speaker 111 Give me the word, Tony.

Speaker 85 I'll take care of it.

Speaker 174 She wasn't mad.

Speaker 48 She's got a good sense of humor.

Speaker 94 Yeah, she says she loves gay guys.

Speaker 3 She loves them, what?

Speaker 80 Very good.

Speaker 95 You know who.

Speaker 86 Hey, watch it, pal.

Speaker 132 all the Puerto Ricans have a great sense of humor.

Speaker 128 A little fun fact.

Speaker 147 One of the highest rankings of senses of humors of all the races.

Speaker 29 I've studied this.

Speaker 75 She has a good sense of humor, right?

Speaker 149 Yeah, yeah, she's a good girl.

Speaker 174 She got a big gynaecologist, man.

Speaker 126 Yeah.

Speaker 34 Seeing dirty pussy out there, you got to be able to keep your spirits high, nigga.

Speaker 30 She keeps her shoes on the whole time, right?

Speaker 33 Here and there, here and there.

Speaker 70 All right, Tajay.

Speaker 5 Very fun stuff.

Speaker 121 You got through it.

Speaker 139 It took you 30 seconds to start your first joke after the whole diverse thing, but keep signing up.

Speaker 125 We want you to do it again.

Speaker 126 And maybe we have something.

Speaker 49 No medium ones.

Speaker 89 We do have delicious watermelon Zippix toothpicks.

Speaker 77 But they're not just watermelon, they're peppermint watermelon.

Speaker 80 It's a mix.

Speaker 135 A perfect nicotine toothpick for a half-white, half-black comedian.

Speaker 47 Peppermint watermelon, Zippix nicotine toothpicks, plus a little joke book.

Speaker 16 There he goes.

Speaker 18 Ladies and gentlemen, the Kill Tony debut of Tajay.

Speaker 13 Peppermint watermelon. You can't even make it up.

Speaker 20 Brought to you by Zippix.

Speaker 123 Zip more, smoke less.

Speaker 129 For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

Speaker 129 That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

Speaker 34 We may need to change that jingle. Prices and participation may vary.

Speaker 45 Trip planner by Expedia. You were made to outdo your holiday,

Speaker 45 your hammocking,

Speaker 70 and your pooling.

Speaker 45 We were made to help organize the competition. Expedia, made to travel.

Speaker 50 All right, another name out of the bucket.

Speaker 36 Make some noise for Rick

Speaker 121 Schneuer.

Speaker 96 Rick Schneuer, everybody.

Speaker 50 Rick Schnoyer.

Speaker 13 Oh my god, wait wait a second. Hold on.
Hold on.

Speaker 13 Hold on, Rick.

Speaker 18 Hold on a second. There's chaos amongst us.

Speaker 13 Ladies and gentlemen, kill Tony legend.

Speaker 13 Let the bodies hit the floor.

Speaker 13 One of the biggest legends in the history of the show.

Speaker 123 We haven't seen him since Skank Fest.

Speaker 57 This is Ari Shraveer, everybody!

Speaker 78 Oh

Speaker 21 my god.

Speaker 13 Oh, he has arrived.

Speaker 19 More evil than ever.

Speaker 78 Holy shit.

Speaker 21 Holy shit.

Speaker 57 Holy shit.

Speaker 3 Shut the fuck up.

Speaker 111 I was in the back for a while.

Speaker 162 I just used to see ethnic comic after ethnic comic.

Speaker 32 And whoever the fuck you are, probably.

Speaker 109 It's another one. one.

Speaker 162 Ain't a single goddamn Jew on this show, Tony.

Speaker 162 It's been 16 months since that fateful day on October 7th, and they still haven't brought the hostages home, and you guys aren't doing a goddamn thing about it.

Speaker 24 You're looking at RFK Jr.

Speaker 35 right now, Robbie.

Speaker 162 What's your plan? Good to see you. Yeah, it's good to see you, too.

Speaker 35 What are you going to do about fentanyl, buddy?

Speaker 109 I'm really worried about it.

Speaker 11 No, it's not a big deal.

Speaker 56 Overblow.

Speaker 111 Sick. I'm going to party.

Speaker 110 I'll see you guys later.

Speaker 64 Thank you very much.

Speaker 141 You're not going to hang out, Ari?

Speaker 25 It's just another fucking 20 or 30 minutes or so.

Speaker 109 Oh, I got shit to do today.

Speaker 3 What?

Speaker 87 Today it's 10 p.m.

Speaker 80 Ari.

Speaker 24 Fuck.

Speaker 24 I mean, you're wearing the perfect shirt.

Speaker 27 Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen, joining the fray.

Speaker 139 We're just about to watch this guy do an uninterrupted 60 seconds.

Speaker 61 How are you feeling? You ready for it?

Speaker 94 Oh, yeah. Okay.
It's time.

Speaker 162 I'm sorry to interrupt. That was my sword.

Speaker 35 It's all good. It's all good.

Speaker 65 Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to do it all together.

Speaker 121 How about one more time for Rick Schneer, everybody?

Speaker 94 Thank you. Thank you.

Speaker 173 Yeah, so I was in the HEP parking lot the other day, and I almost got hit by that thing. I forget what it's called, but it's kind of like the human centipede, except for shopping carts.

Speaker 62 Oh, the train.

Speaker 173 The train of shopping carts. Yeah, I'm just minding my own business, and all of a sudden, a train ran on me.

Speaker 173 Pain of my ass, you know?

Speaker 35 I don't know. A train would be a lot.

Speaker 173 Give me a threesome, though, any day. Specifically, one with two girls.

Speaker 173 I feel like a threesome with a dude. It's kind of like going to a diner and you order a sandwich and you get a big pickle on the side with it.

Speaker 173 It's like, I didn't ask for the pickle, I don't really want the pickle there

Speaker 173 because now it's going to get his taste all over the thing that I want to eat.

Speaker 107 All right, thanks, everybody.

Speaker 21 Rick

Speaker 61 Neuer.

Speaker 21 Hello, Rick.

Speaker 115 Welcome.

Speaker 176 How are you? What did you lead with H-E-B?

Speaker 115 Yeah, you know where we are, right?

Speaker 8 What do you mean by that exactly?

Speaker 33 By Texas? Yeah, in Texas, yeah. Okay.
What ethnicity are you?

Speaker 151 By the looks of your nose, I'm guessing you're Ari Shafir.

Speaker 21 Oh,

Speaker 173 I'm actually German and Croatian.

Speaker 121 Oh, wow.

Speaker 29 That is the opposite of what I would have guessed.

Speaker 35 Look at you, though.

Speaker 69 Amazing.

Speaker 102 Amazing.

Speaker 49 How long you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 173 Like off and on, four years.

Speaker 30 When you say off and on, mostly off, I'm guessing.

Speaker 49 By the way that minute went, why off so much?

Speaker 173 You know, I just have other stuff to do.

Speaker 15 No, I don't know.

Speaker 88 And I don't know what other stuff you would do.

Speaker 75 When I did this, I threw myself in seven days a week, absolutely obsessed every single night, forever, for years. So I don't know.

Speaker 25 What do you mean by that other stuff to do?

Speaker 173 Well, I would go to like open mics maybe once a month.

Speaker 72 So why would you?

Speaker 69 So what, what?

Speaker 28 That's like practicing guitar once a month.

Speaker 62 True, true. Okay.

Speaker 120 So do you love it?

Speaker 70 Like, well, who, why?

Speaker 173 It's something that I was very passionate about.

Speaker 62 That you are very passionate about?

Speaker 162 What, not committing to something?

Speaker 109 Passion is failure?

Speaker 169 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 173 I'm looking forward to the part where I'm just like, I quit.

Speaker 75 I'm kind of confused.

Speaker 25 I'm trying to understand.

Speaker 75 Why would you only do it once a month if you're passionate about it?

Speaker 169 Oh, it was just always like a dream of mine.

Speaker 173 i would have loved to got like an hour special or something like that it was just a cool thing to do you thought you were going to get an hour special just out of nowhere how do you no those that was like my uh optimistic like take on it or my goal

Speaker 69 this doesn't make any sense at all all right

Speaker 173 uh what do you do for work oh um i actually didn't want to talk about work because i don't want to get fired Okay, all right.

Speaker 50 This is you didn't want to do comedy?

Speaker 51 You don't want to do an interview?

Speaker 136 No, I'll talk to you about anything else.

Speaker 70 What field of work do you live work in?

Speaker 37 Biology.

Speaker 94 Are you good at it?

Speaker 173 I mean, I'm actually biological myself.

Speaker 15 So.

Speaker 123 What does that mean?

Speaker 81 Oh, God.

Speaker 162 Are you a child predator?

Speaker 126 Still waiting.

Speaker 70 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 53 Can you tell us anything interesting about your entire life before I get you out of here in a record-setting-length interview?

Speaker 94 Yeah, sure.

Speaker 173 So I'm from Pennsylvania originally.

Speaker 33 Unbelievable. Amazing.

Speaker 17 Wow. That's pretty you and that's pretty, that's pretty cool.

Speaker 35 Yeah, it's you and

Speaker 162 crushing it right now.

Speaker 162 I didn't think you had it in you, but you really stepped it up.

Speaker 21 Incredible.

Speaker 162 You and the comeback story of the year with that Pennsylvania story.

Speaker 162 Man, I fucking dug down deep.

Speaker 95 You're a real Doug Floody.

Speaker 70 Yeah, exactly.

Speaker 47 I ask anything interesting about you. You have a quick answer.

Speaker 41 Yes, I'm one of the 9 million people from Pennsylvania.

Speaker 115 Oh, well,

Speaker 173 I wanted to say that I spent maybe three years living out on the west coast. So that was like California, Oregon.
Like living out in my car and stuff.

Speaker 92 What were you doing during that?

Speaker 173 I did some seasonal jobs and I was

Speaker 126 like, rolled.

Speaker 41 Like what kind of seasonal jobs?

Speaker 126 What do you do?

Speaker 173 So I worked in the Stanislaw National Forest.

Speaker 47 What did you do in the National Forest?

Speaker 173 I just like hiked around.

Speaker 20 Hiked around.

Speaker 30 Amazing.

Speaker 60 I got to tell you,

Speaker 50 you might be one of them.

Speaker 47 Truly, the most boring fucking human beings that's ever signed up for the show.

Speaker 41 Absolutely incredible. I wish you the best of luck in the world of biology.

Speaker 92 Well, you do work in biology.

Speaker 28 Do you have any questions for RFK Jr.?

Speaker 48 He's written many, many books

Speaker 173 about science and whatnot, medical biology perhaps biology one could even say what do you think was the hardest dichotomous key that you had to use

Speaker 126 can you say that

Speaker 64 goddamn word that that oh your mouth

Speaker 84 i would like to introduce you all though to my cricket

Speaker 11 this is actually these are very good pets if anybody

Speaker 86 They have the most protein pound per pound of any animal.

Speaker 112 This is little Marilyn Monroe, I call her.

Speaker 83 Because if you stroke her enough, she squirts.

Speaker 112 Anyway, I'm not hurting her.

Speaker 57 I'm not hurting her.

Speaker 110 I just got her right here.

Speaker 64 She's all right.

Speaker 11 She's all right.

Speaker 41 Rick Schneer, here's a little joke book.

Speaker 127 There you go.

Speaker 5 There you go.

Speaker 123 Hold your applause.

Speaker 163 Yeah.

Speaker 3 I wanted to get a woman out of the bucket, so I pulled until I found a woman.

Speaker 75 The great RFK Jr.

Speaker 114 said this has been a sausage fest.

Speaker 132 I totally agree.

Speaker 23 Here we go.

Speaker 25 Some female energies coming our way.

Speaker 11 This is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted.

Speaker 52 And I do believe perhaps the Kill Tony debut of Jamie Lee Simmons, everybody.

Speaker 92 Here we go.

Speaker 82 What's up?

Speaker 112 I'm Jamie.

Speaker 167 Feel like I look like Arielle if she collected vibrators instead of forks.

Speaker 119 Thanks, guys.

Speaker 167 Despite how I look, I do love my dad.

Speaker 167 You know, I love my dad so much we share a one-bedroom apartment together.

Speaker 167 I hear some of your reactions. I see your faces.
You're like, how does she do that?

Speaker 62 Fuck my dad.

Speaker 167 No, that's crazy. Perverts, all of you.

Speaker 167 No, it's easy. I stay in the master bedroom.
My dad stays on the mantle.

Speaker 167 Yeah, I'll let that sink in.

Speaker 167 Oh, you guys thought I had red hair and a dad?

Speaker 81 Come on.

Speaker 148 No, I have an OnlyFans.

Speaker 81 R.I.P., he's proud.

Speaker 167 I would sell my voice just to hear my dad say I love you one last time.

Speaker 167 All right, thanks, guys. I'm Jamie.

Speaker 168 Jamie Lee Simmons.

Speaker 18 Welcome, welcome, Jamie.

Speaker 19 Thanks for having me.

Speaker 25 How long have you been with stand-up?

Speaker 167 About two and a half years.

Speaker 62 Where at?

Speaker 167 I started in Boston, then went to Miami, and now I'm here.

Speaker 71 Boston, Miami, Austin.

Speaker 70 Very cool.

Speaker 126 I love it.

Speaker 69 What do you do for work?

Speaker 173 Podcasts, right?

Speaker 167 Yes, Yes, I have a podcast, Two Girls, One Blunt.

Speaker 55 Full time.

Speaker 70 Full time.

Speaker 15 What's it called?

Speaker 119 Two Girls, One Blunt.

Speaker 15 It's about weed, right?

Speaker 70 Yeah.

Speaker 167 Good observation.

Speaker 172 Ari Shafir, taking note.

Speaker 157 I love it, Jamie. How's Austin been treating you?

Speaker 167 I love it here. It's great.

Speaker 55 What do you love about Austin?

Speaker 167 I love the music. I love how nice everybody is.

Speaker 37 They are nice here. Yeah.

Speaker 33 It is incredible.

Speaker 72 I love the dating scene.

Speaker 70 Yeah. Yeah.

Speaker 71 How's that going for you?

Speaker 46 It's going great.

Speaker 167 Hanging out with musicians. Yeah, men are actually responding back.

Speaker 62 Yeah. It's a good thing.

Speaker 49 Testosterone.

Speaker 162 Oh, because in Miami, you're ugly.

Speaker 167 Yeah,

Speaker 81 I'm a Miami 4.

Speaker 119 He's not wrong.

Speaker 3 He's not wrong.

Speaker 167 I'm the one they don't let in the club.

Speaker 5 That is so ahry.

Speaker 167 It's okay. It'll hit on me after the show.
It's fine.

Speaker 8 That is true.

Speaker 16 He definitely will.

Speaker 21 Or he'll look up my OnlyFans.

Speaker 57 I don't know. Yeah.

Speaker 47 Is your OnlyFans Jamie Lee Simmons?

Speaker 49 Nope. Oh,

Speaker 35 I'll let him find it.

Speaker 70 All right.

Speaker 167 It's the topless comic.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 41 You do comedy topless on your OnlyFans?

Speaker 167 That's how I started. Yeah, I would do like topless open mic comedy.
It was terrible and I was fat.

Speaker 167 And somehow I made a lot of money doing it. So here we are, living the dream.

Speaker 65 It's amazing.

Speaker 54 My dad is proud.

Speaker 49 It's so cool to think guys would sign up for your OnlyFans and watch you do stand-up topless.

Speaker 125 Did anybody

Speaker 33 not mute it?

Speaker 54 You know,

Speaker 119 I didn't ask.

Speaker 52 I love it. Jamie, what are you afraid of?

Speaker 75 What scares you?

Speaker 41 Sometimes I ask people, what scares them?

Speaker 167 What scares me?

Speaker 36 Yeah, you like have a quirky fear of something.

Speaker 167 Oh, I have like a rational fear, and I don't know what this is. Maybe it was a past life.

Speaker 167 But I'm terrified of sleeping on my back, because I think when I'm sleeping on my back, someone's going to stab me directly through the nipple.

Speaker 167 And that would make my topless comedy pretty hard.

Speaker 126 Yeah, that would. Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 41 But then again, there's guys that are into that RFK.

Speaker 110 Does the carpet match your vagina?

Speaker 81 All right.

Speaker 67 We were all thinking that.

Speaker 95 I don't think that's exactly how the saying goes.

Speaker 62 He's trying.

Speaker 126 I love it.

Speaker 105 Jamie,

Speaker 52 what did make you go with that color hair?

Speaker 41 That is an interesting color.

Speaker 37 Very Ronald McDonald.

Speaker 167 You know, I think what what every girl does when they go through a breakup right ladies we dye our hair we do something we can control you went through a big breakup recently no this was like in 2020 oh just I went through a breakup that night starred in OnlyFans dyed my hair red

Speaker 33 I was feeling a lot of things yeah okay how long were you with that guy for

Speaker 119 not long

Speaker 167 I didn't say I was mentally well, guys, okay?

Speaker 9 You could have got that from the comedy.

Speaker 82 That makes sense.

Speaker 47 What are you into, like hobby-wise, when you're not doing stand-up or something like that?

Speaker 41 Anything else wild?

Speaker 62 Yeah,

Speaker 167 well, I just stay home with my four cats.

Speaker 119 Four cats?

Speaker 167 Yeah, why go anywhere when I can stay at the Pussy Palace, you know?

Speaker 56 Four cats.

Speaker 167 Four cats.

Speaker 90 Did you move here with four cats? I did. Did you live in Miami the whole time with four cats?

Speaker 46 I did.

Speaker 24 Did you live in Boston the whole time with four cats?

Speaker 90 I had two.

Speaker 72 So when you moved to Miami, you got two more.

Speaker 33 Yeah, break up, cat.

Speaker 167 You know, so it goes.

Speaker 81 goes.

Speaker 56 I'm a good time.

Speaker 132 Yooling has six cats.

Speaker 14 What the fuck?

Speaker 138 Are you fucking kidding me?

Speaker 123 Oh

Speaker 92 my God, you fucking creepozoid.

Speaker 28 Six motherfucking cats.

Speaker 68 You have six cats?

Speaker 79 Yep.

Speaker 34 What are their names? Mochi Jones, Mr.

Speaker 38 Brown, Pear.

Speaker 10 Esmeralda, Nodi, and Bookie.

Speaker 10 Bookie!

Speaker 57 Wow. Bookie's a sweetheart.

Speaker 18 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 167 I'll talk to you after the show.

Speaker 92 If you two got into a relationship, you'd have 10 cats.

Speaker 116 It sounds like a family.

Speaker 28 I should have to convince my wife of that.

Speaker 108 Well,

Speaker 167 I've always wanted a dad, so.

Speaker 47 Imagine that household.

Speaker 60 Imagine that household.

Speaker 36 Just 10 cats, a husband, a wife, and a mentally ill, topless comedian.

Speaker 28 Oh, and two daughters.

Speaker 79 You have kids?

Speaker 175 You didn't know that? You have kids?

Speaker 9 You have six cats and two daughters?

Speaker 132 Jesus Christ, Matt Muelling. We need to have a conversation sometime.

Speaker 62 Let's hang out, bro.

Speaker 11 I didn't know any of this about you.

Speaker 90 We should grab a coffee sometime or something that we'll do.

Speaker 27 We've been working together every Monday for years.

Speaker 17 This is absolutely wild.

Speaker 11 Six cats, you have two daughters?

Speaker 76 Yeah, man.

Speaker 118 One of them's 16.

Speaker 35 What?

Speaker 68 Are you fucking serious?

Speaker 123 What's your only you have a you have a

Speaker 139 Where's your sound effect?

Speaker 25 Red man, where's your victory sound?

Speaker 18 There it is

Speaker 68 16 year old. You have a 16 year old cat or a daughter?

Speaker 64 16 year old daughter.

Speaker 116 Wow, how old's the other daughter?

Speaker 103 12.

Speaker 62 Oh my god.

Speaker 142 How old are the cats?

Speaker 106 A couple of them are like eight.

Speaker 40 Wow.

Speaker 162 That's a hundred years of pussy.

Speaker 80 Incredible.

Speaker 165 You have a century's worth of leave your shoes on pussy at your house.

Speaker 46 Amazing.

Speaker 48 Jamie Lee Simmons.

Speaker 73 So you've been sexually active while here in Austin, Texas?

Speaker 167 Not really.

Speaker 15 No, I've just been going on dates. Okay.

Speaker 167 I need those papers.

Speaker 49 What's the most fun? Wait, what kind of papers do you need?

Speaker 167 STD ones.

Speaker 116 Oh, you know?

Speaker 69 Yeah. Make sure that they're clean.

Speaker 126 Make sure they're good.

Speaker 38 Okay. How do you tell a guy?

Speaker 162 So on a date.

Speaker 167 Yeah, I go, you want to fuck? Get tested. It's really easy.
And if they're like into you, they'll get tested.

Speaker 125 And then they, what, like, they hit you up like a week later, like, hey, what's up?

Speaker 64 Jesus Christ.

Speaker 74 I really need to fucking come.

Speaker 142 Oh, my God. I'm freaking out.

Speaker 123 Alcohol is worn off.

Speaker 142 Jesus.

Speaker 56 Yeah.

Speaker 110 Rerpey's free at the bottom of this glass.

Speaker 110 Oh, my.

Speaker 123 Chug, chug, chug.

Speaker 91 RFK Jr.

Speaker 59 might be one of the greatest guests in the history of this show.

Speaker 96 Oh, he chugged it. Oh, my God.

Speaker 18 He's ready.

Speaker 13 USA.

Speaker 57 USA!

Speaker 57 USA!

Speaker 57 Oh my God.

Speaker 139 This is incredible.

Speaker 162 I've actually got an allergy to cats, and I don't know what to do about it.

Speaker 103 And

Speaker 162 if anyone has any advice,

Speaker 125 you have an allergy to cats,

Speaker 155 and you also have full-blown herpes.

Speaker 49 This is quite the conundrum.

Speaker 119 This will never work between us.

Speaker 50 So sometimes guys, like, they go get tested, and like a week later, they're whatever, they hit you up and they're like hey, I'm clean.

Speaker 167 Well, it's somebody I've been like going out with for a while like on multiple dates. Now we're at that point.

Speaker 73 So you check the papers.

Speaker 33 Yes.

Speaker 139 And then you have unprotected sex with them.

Speaker 27 I mean that would be crazy to make them wear a condom at that point, right?

Speaker 100 Yeah.

Speaker 167 You're good, you're good, we're all good.

Speaker 69 So let me ask you this.

Speaker 89 They show you the papers, then you have sex with them, right?

Speaker 72 And then after that, you'll basically have sex with them anytime they want, right?

Speaker 89 Or do you have them retest between before every...

Speaker 35 Well, well?

Speaker 167 I'm like, yeah, hopefully, I'm fucking someone I trust, and then they're like, Hey, I hoped I was someone I'm gonna get tested before we sleep together. That's the right thing to do.

Speaker 167 Why is that foreign?

Speaker 24 Do you still trust guys after buying four cats?

Speaker 82 And

Speaker 167 yeah, I trust men.

Speaker 140 You know, there's a temple.

Speaker 118 You can download a template online, though, for you, like you just fill in your name and it looks like you have a positive, like or a negative

Speaker 57 Red band.

Speaker 66 That's what he does.

Speaker 49 I know who's making my next clean STD test.

Speaker 106 I never thought of that.

Speaker 51 I love it.

Speaker 25 Jamie Lee Simmons. Very funny.

Speaker 123 I'll love to have you on the secret show.

Speaker 96 Oh, my God.

Speaker 16 Here you go. Here's the big joke, Buck.

Speaker 27 The great Jamie Lee Simmons has made her Kill Tony debut.

Speaker 18 Let's get one more bucket pull up here.

Speaker 27 And then we're going to put a big ribbon on this thing make some noise one minute uninterrupted for andrew renaud everybody andrew renal

Speaker 27 here we go

Speaker 91 oh one more time for andrew everybody hello hello

Speaker 178 thank you for having me

Speaker 104 um

Speaker 154 it's my birthday today if you can believe that

Speaker 21 so

Speaker 178 I was gonna try to grease the wheels a little bit and tell everybody it was my birthday when I signed up but I had to let

Speaker 178 karma, I had to let karma work its way out, and I can't believe I'm the last bucket bull for tonight. I only have one joke prepared, and it's about Michael Lehrer.

Speaker 178 We could all just bow our heads for a minute.

Speaker 10 I'm Ugly Jesus, sorry.

Speaker 178 So it'll be about a year since Michael passed soon. Actually, the first time I ever signed up was on the night that he was supposed to do assisted suicide.
That was

Speaker 178 Halloween two years ago, I think.

Speaker 154 And then he didn't do it.

Speaker 178 And I blame him because this is the joke that I had prepared. In honor of Michael Lehrer's life, I want to take all of his performances and I want to press them to vinyl.

Speaker 178 And if you want the authentic experience, you just listen to him at 33 speed. That super long drone.
But if you want to hear him tell his jokes at a regular cadence, just play it at 78.

Speaker 156 That's my joke.

Speaker 49 Okay, well, in honor of Michael Lehrer, there was a long moment of silence silence at your, what should have been.

Speaker 178 There was no way this was going to go well.

Speaker 119 It's okay.

Speaker 147 How are you, Andrew?

Speaker 49 This is your first time doing stand-up? It is.

Speaker 131 Hell yeah. Yes.
How old are you?

Speaker 178 51 today.

Speaker 88 51 today.

Speaker 21 Happy birthday, my friend.

Speaker 123 Hold on.

Speaker 21 Hold on.

Speaker 162 We're pretty much the same age, and you look like shit.

Speaker 17 Yeah, what's been going on?

Speaker 47 What have you been doing these 51 years?

Speaker 178 I did a full career in the Navy.

Speaker 138 Okay.

Speaker 154 That's where it comes from.

Speaker 24 So a lot of time in submarines?

Speaker 104 No.

Speaker 120 Surface ships.

Speaker 126 Okay.

Speaker 35 Why do you look like old Navy?

Speaker 178 I am old Navy.

Speaker 128 You do.

Speaker 16 When you had the hat on, you looked like both Curious George and the owner.

Speaker 29 It is hot in here.

Speaker 29 It is hot in here.

Speaker 178 Would you like me to put the hat back on?

Speaker 71 Sure.

Speaker 125 I think it creates a little bit more likability.

Speaker 178 There you go. Yeah, I know.
I come across as a jerk, and that's what I know is going to make this super hard for me.

Speaker 33 Okay.

Speaker 49 You're like if somebody mushed Jack Black and Kyle Gass together and took out all the comedy.

Speaker 14 Okay.

Speaker 72 What's the funniest thing you think you've ever done before?

Speaker 178 Funniest thing.

Speaker 37 You ever like pull a prank on the other Navy guys or something?

Speaker 178 Well, it's a super long story, so it'd be really...

Speaker 103 Eh, let's save it.

Speaker 139 Here's a big joke book, just because it's your birthday.

Speaker 21 Congratulations. There he goes.

Speaker 18 Andrew Renaud, I love that you paid tribute to Michael Lair. That's cool.

Speaker 96 The first ever member of the Kiltoni Hall of Fame, the late, great Michael Lair.

Speaker 50 We love him and always will, one of my old, great best friends.

Speaker 49 Thank you. There he goes.

Speaker 51 Michael Renaud, everybody.

Speaker 27 And now, with that said, it's time to get back to comedy, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 96 And with a show that started with William Montgomery, I think there's only one way to end an episode like this.

Speaker 16 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm glad that there is one of the members of the new presidential administration on this panel because this young man, RFK, this young man is a guy who I'm really hoping we can speed up the citizenship process for.

Speaker 21 We need this guy to become an American.

Speaker 16 But right now, he is simply an Estonian assassin.

Speaker 22 Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from the great Ari Matty.

Speaker 64 Hello.

Speaker 177 I have a confession to make.

Speaker 177 I eat

Speaker 177 ass.

Speaker 10 I'm tired of hiding it, ladies.

Speaker 177 Don't hide your asshole.

Speaker 130 My tongue is going up that

Speaker 116 ass.

Speaker 34 If you're a lady with a guy who doesn't eat your ass, what's wrong?

Speaker 108 A little poo-poo on your mouth.

Speaker 141 A little poo-poo.

Speaker 3 Gay boy?

Speaker 112 I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 177 I remember when the research came out, they were like, it's official, squirt this piss.

Speaker 111 I was at home, like, I guess I'm a toilet.

Speaker 112 I don't give a fuck.

Speaker 10 Every liquid you ladies make, I want in my mouth as soon as possible.

Speaker 84 Anyone on their period, save the tampon.

Speaker 141 I want to make some tea later.

Speaker 61 Thank you.

Speaker 18 Ari Matty has done it again.

Speaker 163 Add it.

Speaker 53 Add it to the compilation, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 74 Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 51 You have done it again.

Speaker 36 Every liquid a lady makes.

Speaker 139 How about tears? Would you take tears in your mouth?

Speaker 38 Everything, everything, everything.

Speaker 177 i tony when i die it's my will when i die mummify me in used panties

Speaker 55 rfk jr knows a lot about human liquids and whatnot what do you think about all this you sir are never getting into this country

Speaker 75 Doesn't eating ass have some kind of vitamin or nutrients or something?

Speaker 76 I mean, you do bring up a pretty good point there, Tony, but

Speaker 11 the way he's eating ass, I could tell by how he's doing it all wrong.

Speaker 107 I noticed you've been squeezing your cricket while saying all this.

Speaker 11 Marilyn Monroe?

Speaker 11 You named it Marilyn Monroe? Told you that.

Speaker 140 Your ear is jackass.

Speaker 112 This is little Marilyn Monroe.

Speaker 117 And when you stroke her, she squirts.

Speaker 67 That's why I called her little Marilyn Monroe.

Speaker 109 My father, a story my father told me. Anyway.

Speaker 109 She is.

Speaker 86 Oh, I mean, there's so much protein, this little one.

Speaker 11 They're good pets, but one day I will consume her.

Speaker 56 And

Speaker 109 don't worry, Marilyn, it'll be days from now, which is thousands of years for them.

Speaker 84 So it's all good.

Speaker 115 Oh.

Speaker 5 Ari, how's life been?

Speaker 88 What have you been up to?

Speaker 122 Amazing.

Speaker 38 I've been chilling. I did the Adam Ray show.
I was so nervous before it, but turns out Kiltoni fans, they love me.

Speaker 52 Yeah, they really do. I also, I did the next night.

Speaker 128 He was in San Diego.

Speaker 48 You were in Phoenix, Arizona.

Speaker 38 Yeah, nobody had a fight during my set.

Speaker 82 Yeah, it was perhaps the dumbest thing I've ever witnessed in my entire life.

Speaker 29 I was in San Diego complimenting how great burritos are in San Diego.

Speaker 147 I don't know what's going on. I just cannot stay away from trouble lately.

Speaker 41 I talk about how great the burritos are in San Francisco.

Speaker 147 At the same time, I also say that the Mexican food overall is better in Texas.

Speaker 53 And they start booing.

Speaker 41 I go, I've lived there for four years and I lived here in California for about 20 years. I know what the fuck I'm talking about.

Speaker 72 They just keep booing based on principle.

Speaker 125 I tell them, you people have never left San Diego.

Speaker 48 Your parents live here.

Speaker 82 You were raised here. They all laughed because that's true.

Speaker 102 And then one guy in the front goes, this little guy, he's like, excuse me, like this, because it's California.

Speaker 88 And we wanted it, me and Adam wanted to hear what he had.

Speaker 41 Dr. Phil wanted to hear what he had to say.

Speaker 49 And so he goes, actually, the burrito was invented in San Francisco in 1975, which is like the dumbest, dumbest, gayest thing ever humanly possible.

Speaker 89 And the crowd was just in a ruckus.

Speaker 49 There was something about this guy saying San Francisco invented the burrito.

Speaker 41 Me saying that Texas has better Mexican food.

Speaker 103 All the Latinos were having so much fun.

Speaker 33 There was one angry, fat white woman, as always, right on cue.

Speaker 147 Just a psych simple case of psychology.

Speaker 128 This is a woman that eats, eats, eats, eats, eats, right?

Speaker 49 Consumes, consumes, consumes, consumes, consumes, and then has to

Speaker 29 blather dumb shit out of her face because, you know, there's got to be an opposite reaction.

Speaker 71 And so she started a fistfight with women around her that were like, shut up, bitch, stop yelling.

Speaker 75 Because she was yelling. She's like, everyone, don't worry.

Speaker 38 She went for a choke.

Speaker 105 I saw that video.

Speaker 119 Yeah, it was absolutely insane.

Speaker 147 Nothing makes any sense anymore.

Speaker 62 Fat women have got out of control in this country.

Speaker 46 Yeah.

Speaker 142 Yeah.

Speaker 38 It's so obvious you haven't hit women in a while.

Speaker 123 It's unbelievable, it's unbelievable

Speaker 99 that the only person that caused any ruckus during my political thing was a fat white woman.

Speaker 90 I mean, it is just right on cue,

Speaker 109 Robert. What'd you say about hitting white women?

Speaker 70 A fat woman?

Speaker 107 I heard you muttering over there.

Speaker 80 Yeah,

Speaker 58 just quietly agreeing.

Speaker 25 Anything else going on, Ari?

Speaker 130 Also in that video, you know, she grabbed the girl's throat and the guy stood there.

Speaker 117 I think

Speaker 38 I felt a reason to.

Speaker 38 If you grab my girl's throat, it's over.

Speaker 38 You fat piece of shit getting headkicked.

Speaker 169 The girl that was being grabbed was also really chill about it.

Speaker 165 She was like, She was super chill.

Speaker 49 And if you notice, the guy next to her, who's the

Speaker 139 girl whose neck is getting grabbed, is like like laughing and pointing at the lady like that which leads me to believe that his girl who literally matched the exact it was like they were grabbing each other's jugulars I think that she had training of some kind and the boyfriend's just like you don't want to fucking do this fat stupid bitch yes

Speaker 74 And like they were, they were literally enjoying themselves.

Speaker 74 It was absolutely incredible.

Speaker 1 They had a great old time.

Speaker 41 There was no victim other than the fucking whiny lady that was mad about everything.

Speaker 30 The pig is red band just signified by that snorting sound effect.

Speaker 30 I'm just acknowledging the animal that he was doing an impression of.

Speaker 109 I was just yawning.

Speaker 153 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 51 Ari Matty, another unbelievable set.

Speaker 18 That's how you fucking do it. The regulars tonight.

Speaker 18 Absolutely incredible. Future American citizen Ari Matty.
I got to tell you guys, for the love of God, kyledunagan.com.

Speaker 49 Get fucking tickets.

Speaker 91 See this guy on tour.

Speaker 17 Absolutely destroyed all weekend.

Speaker 53 This is the

Speaker 53 plug that RFK Jr.

Speaker 49 was interested in.

Speaker 52 He's a big Kyle Dunne fan. How about how loud can this place get for the great RFK Jr.?

Speaker 59 I mean,

Speaker 163 wow.

Speaker 18 I don't know about you guys.

Speaker 21 I don't know.

Speaker 11 If it translated to your homes halfway as hard as it made me laugh i was fucking dying tonight he was just guest of the year huh i i would i would venture to say without a doubt he's in the running for guest of the year ari shafir he was just muttering in character the whole time off bike just going wrong wrong

Speaker 119 search

Speaker 53 hysteric very hard to host this type of show where i literally just want to fall back in my chair laughing the whole time i have to somehow keep it together ari shafir what's going on you're in town all week, huh?

Speaker 118 I'm in town all week.

Speaker 101 I'm just hanging out in Austin.

Speaker 47 Oh, we're going to have so much fun.

Speaker 95 It's a cool town.

Speaker 162 I've been selling some good honky-tonks today.

Speaker 175 Yeah.

Speaker 162 Slide guitar. Yeah.

Speaker 52 I'm so excited.

Speaker 101 They got a new special coming out, January 14th.

Speaker 23 Hell yeah, January 14th.

Speaker 8 What's it called?

Speaker 162 It's called America's Sweetheart because that's what I am.

Speaker 136 Oh, my goodness. That's adorable.

Speaker 162 Thank you. Ari Shafir.
Show you guys my pubes.

Speaker 3 Oh, my goodness.

Speaker 95 I'm done with that. I'm done with that.
New league.

Speaker 8 check that out on Netflix.

Speaker 145 Kyledunagan.com. He's on tour.
You saw it here tonight.

Speaker 26 Let him know you came from the Kill Tony universe.

Speaker 52 The drawing from Ryan J. E.
Belt is in.

Speaker 8 Let's see what Chris Rogers has.

Speaker 3 Oh, my God.

Speaker 47 Is that little baby Tony?

Speaker 3 No, baby Tony. Oh, my God.

Speaker 79 Oh, my God. That's adorable.

Speaker 74 Wow. That's the cutest thing ever.

Speaker 131 Look at that.

Speaker 17 My hairline wasn't that big when I was a baby.

Speaker 175 But

Speaker 175 mustache was

Speaker 89 That is adorable.

Speaker 8 How about a hand for Chris Rogers? Chris Rogers art

Speaker 123 Zippix toothpicks and again another big shout out to the amazing people over at Ghost Patch Custom.

Speaker 16 They make a bunch of stuff patches pins poker chips decals badges coins Bunch of stuff.

Speaker 143 Check them out ghostpatch custom.com.

Speaker 52 Send some traffic their way.

Speaker 95 These amazing I bombed it kill Tony torpedoes are absolutely unbelievable.

Speaker 145 It's all run by police officers, former police officers, so that's cool.

Speaker 27 Thank you so much for coming out, everybody.

Speaker 16 Red Band, love you guys. We love you.
Thank you.

Speaker 18 Good night, everybody.