#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE

Speaker 1 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

Speaker 1 This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

Speaker 1 If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com.

Speaker 1 Everything golden pony, including his tour dates, at tonyhinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

Speaker 1 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Speaker 2 Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over Tony.
It's bad.

Speaker 2 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Speaker 2 Yi!

Speaker 2 Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Hello.
We've been doing this a long time. How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land, huh?

Speaker 2 On horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo.

Speaker 2 Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Speaker 2 Matthew, the mortician, Muelling on the electric guitar.

Speaker 2 John Dees on the keys.

Speaker 2 And this right here is the beautiful Bold D Madness live in the flesh on the bass guitar. This episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by Zipix and Express VPN.
A lot of fun in store for you.

Speaker 2 Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Speaker 3 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

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Speaker 4 Olivia loves a challenge. It's why she lifts heavy weights

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Speaker 6 I am so excited for this spa day.

Speaker 2 Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

Speaker 6 And then my chronic hives come back. Again, in the middle of my spa day, what a wet blanket.
Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

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Learn more at treatmyhives.com.

Speaker 2 Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

Speaker 2 You guys can do better. Are you guys ready for a great fucking night or what?

Speaker 2 Every single episode, I have two of the funniest people in the world on this show this week. No different.
This is both of these guests. First time on the panel, which is very, very exciting.

Speaker 2 You get to look in the crystal ball of the future of stand-up comedy. These guys are part of the Philly Shane Gillis super crew.
Ladies and gentlemen?

Speaker 2 Some of the newest residents to Austin, Texas, the new comedy capital of the world. I present to you two of your new favorite comedians.

Speaker 2 If you don't know them already, make some fucking noise for Sean Gardini and Tommy Pope, everybody.

Speaker 2 Here we go.

Speaker 2 Gardini, welcome. Sit over there.

Speaker 2 Tommy, over here. Get over here, Tommy.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Make some more noise for our guests tonight.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah, baby. Sean Gardini is on tour.
Cleveland, Buffalo, Baltimore, Tampa coming up. SeanGardini.com for tickets.
That's S-H-A-W-N.

Speaker 2 Sean, look at you, you adorable funny man. How are you? I'm here, baby.
I'm happy. You are here.
We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We're going to watch some wacky comedians.

Speaker 2 How about a hand for Tommy Pope is here? Has the podcast Stuff Island with Chris O'Connor? Another very, very funny man.

Speaker 2 How you guys doing? You excited to be here?

Speaker 8 Fucking, this is delicious.

Speaker 9 I've always seen you from afar, Tom.

Speaker 8 This is very exciting.

Speaker 2 It is very exciting. This is exciting.
Up close.

Speaker 2 I always wanted to have Joe Pesci on this show.

Speaker 11 Fuck you, dude.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 2 you're the closest I could get. Yeah.

Speaker 13 You like that?

Speaker 9 You guys like that?

Speaker 2 He asked me upstairs.

Speaker 8 There's two Italians in this whole fucking city.

Speaker 14 Me and the lead singer of the fucking band

Speaker 14 and we're fed up

Speaker 2 he asked me right before the show he goes how many arrows is this i go what he goes how many arrows i go what it's like hours

Speaker 2 i'm like oh my god you were trying to say hours arrows how many arrows is the two arrows

Speaker 2 two arrows we're all different

Speaker 2 we're all fucking different Sean Gardini, a soft-spoken assassin.

Speaker 17 Yeah, more of a strong, silent type, but I'm very happy to be here.

Speaker 2 We're going to have fun tonight. 252 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show.
They are stockpiled at a bar across the street.

Speaker 2 And if I pull their name out, one of our amazing producers goes and wrangles them from across the street.

Speaker 2 They come over and pace nervously right behind that curtain for a few minutes until it is their time to come up on stage. If when it is their time, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Speaker 2 You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

Speaker 2 which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and me and my esteemed panel find out more about them, make friends, make enemies.
Anything can happen.

Speaker 2 Could be the future of comedy pulled out of the bucket. Could be absolute mental illness at 1,000 miles an hour.
You guys have seen this show before. Anything can happen.
And now it begins.

Speaker 2 And we start tonight's show while we go wrangle that first comedian with one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

Speaker 2 Truly, I mean, this guy, even though in the golden ticket range of comedians, really basically a regular, I put him up every single time he wants to go on stage, and every single time he does extremely great.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the return of one of our favorites in the history of the show. Getting things started tonight, this is 60 seconds from the one and only Martin Phillips.

Speaker 2 What's up?

Speaker 2 My first

Speaker 2 participation trophy was

Speaker 2 my birth certificate.

Speaker 2 Got way too much credit on that.

Speaker 2 You know, women can go to the bathroom together.

Speaker 5 That's normal.

Speaker 2 But when guys do it, it's like, oh, we're going to do coke. Okay.

Speaker 2 It's never going to spend time together.

Speaker 2 They borrowed my dollars, so I was a part of it.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 any Nazis here?

Speaker 2 I'm never sure.

Speaker 2 After World War II, all the Nazis got charged with war crimes, and a lot of them killed themselves in jail. And it's like, whoa,

Speaker 2 way to make yourself look guilty.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 2 Legal environment. You see, they got rid of all the

Speaker 2 lawyers.

Speaker 2 Martin Phillips

Speaker 2 has done it again. Way to get things started.
I was called a Nazi for two weeks

Speaker 2 by

Speaker 2 the joke. I was

Speaker 2 for a Tony. Yeah.

Speaker 2 I've never been called a Nazi before, and I wouldn't have guessed that my first times being called a Nazi were from every mainstream media outlet in the world,

Speaker 2 globally known as a Nazi.

Speaker 2 Me, with my super multicolored panel and love for absolute love for disabled people.

Speaker 2 You know us Nazis. We are wild.
Nazis 2024, a whole different thing. We just hate ourselves.

Speaker 2 I love it. Martin, you did it again.
You are so fucking funny. How's life been going? It's all right.
It's cool.

Speaker 2 It's cool.

Speaker 2 Now, actually, you being a Nazi, you fucked up. My life a little bit.
Tell me.

Speaker 2 Tell me about it. I want to know.

Speaker 2 Tell me how I fucked up your life.

Speaker 2 So, oh, uh-uh.

Speaker 2 But before

Speaker 2 the election, I went on this coffee date. It was cool.

Speaker 10 It was fine.

Speaker 2 We're going to go on the second date after the election. She's like, uh-uh, I don't want anyone in my life associated with kill Tony.

Speaker 2 Thanks a fucking lot, Tony. Thanks a fucking lot.
You say that. Oh, yeah.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 You old me, you oldie. No, I saved you, buddy.
I saved you. You almost fell in love with a mentally ill girl there for a second.

Speaker 2 For both to say, hold on, hell yeah. We both lean to the right, that's for sure.

Speaker 2 That's your favorite joke.

Speaker 2 You do it every time. Well, thanks a lot.

Speaker 2 Thanks for letting everyone know that I've done that joke before, Martin. That's always great for comedy, you piece piece of shit.

Speaker 2 It's so good, it's worth doing multiple times. You're not, you're not.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Put those hands back in those fucking pockets.

Speaker 2 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Speaker 2 Whoa, Mike Tyson, look out.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. Yeah, that looks good.
Martin, fucking fantastic.

Speaker 2 Everyone loves your style.

Speaker 2 I can't believe it. I can't believe that I cost you a second date with a crazy girl.
There was no other red flags?

Speaker 6 She was nice.

Speaker 2 No, she was nice. Yeah.
She was out, holy. She was out.
Yes, I didn't have any issues. Was she normal and able-bodied? Yeah.
Or were you guys both out there just doing the fucking wobbles?

Speaker 2 A normal person.

Speaker 2 Just fucking spilling coffee all over the fucking joint.

Speaker 2 Well, it was cold coffee.

Speaker 2 Cold coffee?

Speaker 2 I'm guessing it was shaken.

Speaker 2 Goodbye. But I don't know.
She was cool out there. I didn't see any issues.

Speaker 2 But.

Speaker 2 Yeah, she saw issues about me.

Speaker 2 She doesn't want to be associated with anything. Kill Tony.
Wow.

Speaker 2 And I was like, I wasn't fucking there.

Speaker 2 I wasn't there. I wasn't fucking there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I wasn't.

Speaker 2 Like, I wasn't.

Speaker 2 Yeah. So, I don't know.
Oh, jeez.

Speaker 2 Oh, man. Well, she's probably not going out with anybody.
She probably shaved her head and swore off sex for the next few years anyway.

Speaker 2 So no matter what, you'd still be fucking rubbing that shit in your pocket right there.

Speaker 2 Typhone. Oh, it's your phone.
Okay, all right. I thought it was your fat cock for a second.

Speaker 2 What kind of dick do you have, Martin? What are we working with here? I've always wondered it.

Speaker 2 Is it also a vibrator?

Speaker 2 I guess if it's on me, I guess it's a volume right there.

Speaker 2 No, I think it's a regular pigment.

Speaker 2 I believe it's, you know, normal. Okay.

Speaker 2 What are you comparing? Oh, you are circumcised. Yeah.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 I don't remember that, but I think that's all. Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 That doctor. That guy.

Speaker 2 Absolutely. Very, very, one of the hardest circumcisions to do, I'd imagine.

Speaker 2 Fuck, stay fucking still. Can people hold down the arms and the legs and the hips and the fucking shoulders?

Speaker 2 Nurses, I need more nurses. This fucking baby's wobbled-y-wobbly-waff.

Speaker 2 I love it. Gentlemen, have you guys ever seen anything quite like Martin Phillips before?

Speaker 8 No, I dude. I've seen him before.
He's fucking hilarious, but I get anxious, you know.

Speaker 13 I have this weird, uneasy feeling.

Speaker 8 It's like watching a dog sneeze.

Speaker 13 Where you stand up like, oh.

Speaker 11 Is he okay?

Speaker 25 He's okay.

Speaker 14 He's okay.

Speaker 13 Let him sneeze.

Speaker 2 Let him get it out.

Speaker 2 Big fan.

Speaker 2 Bangs, bangs.

Speaker 2 The great Sean Gardini. What do you think about Martin Phillips? Huge fan.

Speaker 17 Love your style.

Speaker 17 Sorry you're not getting pussy pussy anymore.

Speaker 2 Yeah,

Speaker 17 but you know, maybe it's for the best.

Speaker 2 Yeah, maybe there's so far lighting self-married. I don't know.
Don't know what about that.

Speaker 14 I'll put a good word out for you.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Gardini's going to put a word out. Yeah.

Speaker 11 Sneezy dog leading the sneezier dog.

Speaker 23 I'll teach you some of my tricks.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 You put the word out, Don. Yeah.
Yeah, all right.

Speaker 2 I don't believe you.

Speaker 26 Dude, I'll jerk you off right now, man.

Speaker 26 You just have to leave your hand there.

Speaker 2 He'll do all.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry, Martin. I don't like that.

Speaker 2 That was good.

Speaker 2 That was good.

Speaker 2 Thank you. Martin, you're an absolute rock star.
We love you. Way to get the shit started tonight.
You've done it again.

Speaker 2 The great Martin Phillips. And now we go to the bucket we know this first bucket pull she's been on the show multiple times she got uh like

Speaker 2 oh the lovely Heidi everybody big pop from the crowd

Speaker 2 you gotta love it Heidi has lighters the Heidi lighters are out I don't know where do people find them at Heidi

Speaker 2 You can find them at the Yellow Rose of Austin, Texas. Oh, they have to go to the actual Yellow Rose.
Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. I thought maybe they'd be online, but you have to take your ass to a real legit strip club to get these lighters.

Speaker 2 All right. You know her, you love her.
It's been a long time since she's been on the show. This is a brand new minute from Jameesha Albo, everybody.
It's been a long time. She's back.
Jamesha Albo.

Speaker 27 My name's Jamisha. I was adopted when I was six years old.
I'm the only black person in my family. And when I tell people that, they think my life is a a lot like that movie, The Help.

Speaker 27 Yeah, growing up, my life was more like the movie, Get Out,

Speaker 27 except with Mexicans, which was somehow worse.

Speaker 27 My mom is a combination of white and Mexican, so when we're in public, I call her Mexi Karen,

Speaker 27 right? Like, she can eat tameles with the best of them, but like a white woman, she loves to say the N-word.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 27 Nordstrom.

Speaker 27 But she is Mexican, so it's more like Nordstrom rack.

Speaker 27 That bitch loves a hard R.

Speaker 27 Okay.

Speaker 27 I got kinky parents. You guys have kinky parents.
Don't answer that. You see, here's the thing about kinky parents.
You shouldn't know that they're kinky.

Speaker 27 When I was 18 years old, my mom came out to me as bisexual, followed by the phrase, I'm going to be in a relationship with your father and his girlfriend.

Speaker 27 Yeah, my parents are Mexican and their third is white, so when they're all together, I call them Tres Leches.

Speaker 27 Guys, thank you. That's my time.

Speaker 2 Jamisha Albo has returned.

Speaker 2 Hi, Jamisha.

Speaker 20 Tony Hinchcliffe, Mr.

Speaker 2 President. How are you? Thank you, indeed.

Speaker 2 So you were adopted? Is that what I'm guessing? I was adopted, right? Yeah.

Speaker 27 Only black person in my family. And so

Speaker 27 that ended that joke. So when I was 18, my mom came out to me as bi, and then she entered a relationship with my dad and the girl that he was cheating on her with.

Speaker 2 Yeah. That sounds about right.
That's not even that crazy. I'm used to much crazier shit with comedians.
That's actually a pretty balanced breakfast of

Speaker 2 a childhood. Wait until 18.
Normally when parents say bi at 18, they mean goodbye. Goodbye.
You're out.

Speaker 2 Don't come back. See you later.

Speaker 27 You had a little bit of

Speaker 27 infidelity growing up, right?

Speaker 2 More than infidelity. My entire thing.
My mom and dad cheated on their significant others for 11 years secretly while raising families. They were fucking the shit out of each other.

Speaker 2 And then 11 years into it, my dad nutted inside of my mother and she got pregnant. My dad assumed that she would have an abortion, but she decided to have me

Speaker 2 her dream love child, the youngest by 12 years.

Speaker 2 So being told that your mom's bi at 18 to me is fucking boring. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 Because I was fucked up. I did the math when I was a kid and called him out on it.
Anyway, it's a whole thing. There's many podcasts where I talk about it.

Speaker 27 Thank you for sharing.

Speaker 2 Yeah, I'm a demon seed. I'm the bastard of Youngstown.
Okay, okay. Anyway, we knew.
It's interesting that you were adopted by Mexicans. How did this happen? That is, that sounds different.

Speaker 27 Yeah, so it's like Mexican and Italian, mostly Mexican. I have a lot of Mexicans that live in Fresno, California.

Speaker 27 But yeah, six years old. My mom just wanted a girl, so she got me.

Speaker 2 She wanted a girl. So

Speaker 2 that's the only request. She's like, I just want a girl.
And they gave her a pop. She's a girl, black girl.
Yeah.

Speaker 28 Damn.

Speaker 2 Yep. That's kind of like a fucking rock.

Speaker 27 It was 2001.

Speaker 2 Damn.

Speaker 2 Can I have a, can I have a, can I have a second draft pick here?

Speaker 2 The Mexicans are shaking their heads at me right now. Oh, gosh.

Speaker 2 I love it. So what was it like being raised in a Mexican household?

Speaker 27 Good, a lot of tamales.

Speaker 27 Yeah.

Speaker 27 I'm recently sober, and I used to smoke a lot of weed. So I've replaced rolling blunts with the rolling tamales.
That's it.

Speaker 2 Did you have brothers and sisters in the household?

Speaker 27 I do, yeah. So when I got adopted, my mom had a son from her first, we'll call it encounter who lived in Fresno.

Speaker 27 And then when I got adopted, I had a brother who's my age, so I'm 30 now. He's 30 as well.
And then I have a little brother.

Speaker 2 Your brother came out of your mother's vagina. Uh-huh.
Yeah. So why did they go shopping for a kid when she could have?

Speaker 27 I know. She was also pregnant when she adopted me.
So

Speaker 2 she really just. John Dee's senior black correspondent on the show.

Speaker 2 What were you going to say, John?

Speaker 2 That's the wrong microphone, John.

Speaker 2 What did you say? Okey-dokey, real.

Speaker 2 Great stuff, Dees.

Speaker 2 You get a little bit stronger every week at this show. No, I'm kidding.
No, John.

Speaker 27 No, so

Speaker 27 she was pregnant with my little brother when she had me. And then.

Speaker 2 The band loves it when Deez fucks up. They're just having their own side tables right now.
Fucking love that shit. The band leader, John Dees.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 27 Yeah, so my mom was pregnant with my little brother when they adopted me.

Speaker 2 What would possibly make a woman try to get an extra child while she's pregnant?

Speaker 27 I asked her, right? I I was like, why did you decide to adopt me? And the only reason was because she wanted a girl.

Speaker 2 So that was it. Jesus.
So she found out she wasn't having a girl. She found out the thing inside of her belly had a penis.

Speaker 2 I mean, does she even like the boy that's the same age as you?

Speaker 27 Oh, yeah. Hates me, loves, loves the boy.

Speaker 2 Why does she hate you?

Speaker 27 I was a piece of shit growing up. Really? Yeah, I would lie.
I would steal. I know I'm nice now, but I was a fucking terror.

Speaker 2 Wow. So even if you're raised by a different race, race,

Speaker 2 you still steal and lie. Yes.
We're learning. It's nature, not nurture.
We're figuring it out here tonight. Deez is not smiling at this at all.

Speaker 29 And this was before mothers can make their boys girls if they wanted to.

Speaker 2 Yeah, you would be.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 This was pre-trans.

Speaker 27 Yes, pre-trans.

Speaker 27 My adoption, I've been a little bit more into the technical terms of my adoption, and it's called a transracial adoption when you're the only fucking different race in the whole.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Trans.

Speaker 2 Tommy Pro.

Speaker 2 Who's calling it that? What's that? Who's calling it that? Who's what?

Speaker 2 Who's calling it a transracial?

Speaker 17 I thought it was just an adoption. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Trans-adoption, trans-racial. We're Japanese.
Where did you learn that term?

Speaker 27 The internet.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 They'll just call anything trans nowadays.

Speaker 2 What did you steal when you were a kid? You said that.

Speaker 27 Food, surprisingly.

Speaker 27 What kind of food?

Speaker 27 Anything, really. I was very, what do they call it? Like, food insecure as a child.
So my birth mother was a drug addict and an alcoholic. So I was just like.

Speaker 2 How did you find that out?

Speaker 27 My mom, my current mom, and my foster parents.

Speaker 32 So they told you.

Speaker 2 They're like, You're lucky

Speaker 27 with us. Well, so when I got put into foster care when I was three, so when I got to foster care, they found an STD.
Uh, not trying to brag.

Speaker 2 You, wait, you had an STD when I was three.

Speaker 2 Three? Yeah, you dirty slut. Jesus Christ.

Speaker 2 Wow, that is incredible. Oh, yeah.
Tommy has to be. Yeah.

Speaker 2 Tommy's going in for that hepatitis BET.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Look at this.

Speaker 2 You got that KFC HPV.

Speaker 2 Okay, shut up. We're having fun here.
How often do you get to make black STD as a baby jokes?

Speaker 2 Come on. She needs love.

Speaker 15 Oh, thanks.

Speaker 2 Just need a tough fucking hug from a WAP. Yo.

Speaker 8 Greasy Dego fucking hug.

Speaker 2 How's that feel?

Speaker 2 You may have given her a WAP.

Speaker 27 Yeah, my neck is

Speaker 27 a little wet.

Speaker 27 But so, yeah, so uh basically my my birth mother had passed out on the couch and i just like left and then the cops picked me up and then from then on amazing yeah and look at you now you're

Speaker 2 a comedian you love it you love this game all the time i noticed that you sign up all the time because i see you before the show because you get to perform in the little boy there's a lot that goes on here you know some people you see more than others around yeah adam you get the booker likes you it's been a long time since you actually got pulled out of the the bucket.

Speaker 2 We're happy to have you. You already have a big joke book.

Speaker 27 It's filled.

Speaker 2 Yep. I love it.
You want another one? Please. You got it.
Jamisha Albo. Boom.
What a great catch. Hell yeah.
She can catch a joke book. She can catch an STD.

Speaker 2 She can catch everything, ladies and gentlemen. It's unbelievable.
The stylings of Jameesha Albo. Raised by Mexicans, still catches leather like a black person.
Amazing. That's a football joke.

Speaker 2 It's a football joke for those of of you trying to clip things to make me look like a racist.

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Speaker 2 Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Cole Castle, everybody. Coal Castle.

Speaker 23 I like to have the TV on during sex, but you gotta be careful what show is on while you're doing it.

Speaker 23 Because the only thing worse than finishing quick with a girl is finishing quick than hearing a laugh track immediately after.

Speaker 23 Now it just feels like a whole audience is degrading me. My go-to genre to have on during sex, true crime.

Speaker 23 Because at least if I give her a bad performance, she can look at the TV and see some girl getting raped and murdered.

Speaker 32 And I can go, hey, could be a lot worse for you, huh?

Speaker 23 It's like, yeah, I didn't make you come, but you do get to go outside again. So

Speaker 21 count your blessings, all right?

Speaker 23 I was drinking with some family a couple weeks ago. My cousin with Down syndrome came up to me, goes, hey, Cole, you should stop drinking.
It's not good for you.

Speaker 23 And in my head, I was like, I'm not going to stop drinking tonight until I'm on your level, little cuzzo.

Speaker 23 I also want to be drooling on myself at some point. That's when I realized getting drunk is just micro-dosing Down syndrome.

Speaker 13 There's a lot of similarities.

Speaker 26 You know, you're harder to understand.

Speaker 23 You eat more. You fall more.
And no one's going to trust you behind the wheel. So a lot of similarities, I think.

Speaker 8 I don't know. People start drinking and say, let's get fucked up.

Speaker 23 I say, let's get fucked down.

Speaker 23 All right. Thank y'all.

Speaker 2 Cole Castle.

Speaker 2 Very good set. How's it going, Cole? Good.
You've been on this show before?

Speaker 23 Yeah, yeah, I was on a few months ago.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah.
Did this go better than the last time, you think?

Speaker 23 I think it went about the same. Okay.
Yeah, we'll see. All right.
Yeah. Things can change.

Speaker 2 Well, no, it already happened. We did see.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 16 Well, you know, there's the interview, but yeah.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah. That's a good point.
You're in it right now. Yeah.
Have you had a broken nose before?

Speaker 16 No. No?

Speaker 2 Just looks like that. Yeah.
Damn.

Speaker 2 That's sucked. Appreciate that.
Yeah, you're well. Yeah, you're right.
The interview is a long.

Speaker 32 I'll try to face you so you wouldn't like notice. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 15 Just seeing someone so fucked.

Speaker 14 You ever been hit by a car?

Speaker 23 What's this about?

Speaker 8 You got an excuse for that fucking face?

Speaker 8 That's crazy.

Speaker 2 Cole, how long you been on the stand-up?

Speaker 23 Just at one year.

Speaker 2 One year. What do you do for work?

Speaker 23 Sales.

Speaker 2 What are you selling?

Speaker 23 I sell insurance to financial advisors.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Sounds terrible.

Speaker 23 It's not.

Speaker 9 I mean, I work from home.

Speaker 23 My coworkers are cool. That's really all I care about.

Speaker 2 Since when do all these fucking things work from home? The pandemic? Yeah. Did they just let everybody stay there?

Speaker 23 Yeah, I mean, after the pandemic, it's like they can just hire, like, our office is in Florida, so it doesn't even matter.

Speaker 2 Like, I can another sad fucking story. Are your parents Mexican too?

Speaker 15 Can we fucking pick it up?

Speaker 2 Yeah. How old were you when you got your first STD?

Speaker 18 I was...

Speaker 23 I went to Texas Tech, so Raider Ash was a real thing.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. You got that little...

Speaker 14 Keeps going.

Speaker 2 You got that little red Raider in your pants.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 23 I thought it was a joke. They're like, dude, watch out for Raider Ash.
And I was like, yeah, all right.

Speaker 18 What does that mean?

Speaker 23 Raider Ash, it's basically like chlamydia at Texas Tech.

Speaker 2 Yeah, so you got chlamydia.

Speaker 23 Yeah, they just said Raider Rash.

Speaker 26 It was STD, but then like, dude, everyone gets...

Speaker 23 chlamydia there. Wow.

Speaker 23 Dude, yeah, I was like, I was studying finance, which is like kind of hard, but dude, I couldn't even pass a test at the clinic. Those were the hardest.

Speaker 15 You make me want to shave my mustache, dude.

Speaker 2 That's amazing. That is amazing.
Cole, when's the last time you got an STD?

Speaker 2 I don't know.

Speaker 23 If you don't get tested, you don't have one. So

Speaker 21 it's been a while.

Speaker 23 Probably since college, I think. Yeah, I got tested like a year ago.
I'm good to go.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 All right. That's good.
A year. You talked a lot about sex

Speaker 2 during your act. Do you have a lot of it? Do you have a steady girlfriend?

Speaker 18 No, no.

Speaker 23 No, dude, I feel like I just can always come up with bits for during sex.

Speaker 2 During sex.

Speaker 23 Yeah, or like after. I'm like,

Speaker 23 if I can't write, if I've writer's block, I'm like, let me just bang someone and then I could probably get a joke out there.

Speaker 2 Have you thought about doing other things and writing jokes about it?

Speaker 23 No, no, just sex right now. Just sex.

Speaker 2 Amazing.

Speaker 23 Yeah, riding that wave.

Speaker 2 Amazing. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom that you use on the ladies? The old coal castle, the old sand castle, the old fucking

Speaker 2 coal trickle.

Speaker 23 No, I'm just really good at like the pillow talk after.

Speaker 2 Like, yeah, sex, all right, but like I'll hold a mean conversation after.

Speaker 2 Really? Yeah. Is that true?

Speaker 23 Yeah, like I think like the sex is alright, but the pillow talk is like, all right, I'll hang out with that guy again. You know what?

Speaker 2 Let's get Heidi up here. I want to see what this guy's pillow talk is like.

Speaker 2 Let's do a little

Speaker 2 the lovely Heidi. Always an intimidating force when looking directly in a man's eyes

Speaker 2 So you just fucked Heidi which I'm guessing is literally I have to get tested. Yeah

Speaker 2 So you and Heidi just fucked you guys are laying down. Let's get a little example of your amazing pillow talk

Speaker 23 Heidi thank you for having sex with me tonight

Speaker 2 You're very welcome.

Speaker 7 Your make-a-wish has come true.

Speaker 26 He won. He won.
Keep it going.

Speaker 9 Keep it going.

Speaker 9 So, like, do you like play Fortnite?

Speaker 2 Or what?

Speaker 2 I really love Grand Theft Auto. Grand Theft Auto?

Speaker 7 You probably always take the hookers and fuck them in the car.

Speaker 23 Yeah, I usually just kill them, actually.

Speaker 11 All right.

Speaker 2 You're pretty cool. All right.

Speaker 2 I understand. I understand why you get the ladies.
Yeah, okay.

Speaker 23 Cool.

Speaker 23 What are you doing

Speaker 23 after...

Speaker 23 Well, we just had sex. So

Speaker 23 give me like 30 minutes and a power aid. Then what are you doing later?

Speaker 27 Okay, I can make you a power aid.

Speaker 23 Oh, you can make power aid?

Speaker 2 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 23 Okay. Yeah, I'll try some of your power aid.

Speaker 2 Yeah, okay.

Speaker 18 What color?

Speaker 2 Probably blue. Blue? Okay.

Speaker 23 Yeah, I can do some blue. Heidi power aid.

Speaker 2 Wow, what a master of pillow talk.

Speaker 2 How about a hand for the lovely Heidi?

Speaker 2 Cole? What kind of joke book did you get last time? You wrote a big one. You got a big one? There you go.
There he goes. Cole Castle, everybody.
On to the next one.

Speaker 2 You don't need to shake hands, Cole. There you go.

Speaker 2 All right, back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. This looks like a new name.
Make some noise for the Kill Tony, I do believe, debut of Simon Perkovich.

Speaker 2 Simon Perkovich. Here we go.

Speaker 35 What's up, everybody?

Speaker 11 Let me gauge the room.

Speaker 35 What do we think of trans athletes?

Speaker 2 Boo?

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 I love trans athletes.

Speaker 35 Trans athletes are the best thing to ever happen to women sports. Yeah.
Case in point, right now, we're talking about women's sports.

Speaker 26 Look at the ratings.

Speaker 35 Did you guys know there's a WNBA?

Speaker 35 We haven't cared this much about women's sports since the 20s.

Speaker 21 And back then it was like, dude, should we let women play sports?

Speaker 35 Now it's the 20s again, and we're like, bro, should we play women's sports?

Speaker 35 And I feel the ladies pulling away.

Speaker 15 I get it.

Speaker 21 You're mad because you're jealous, you know?

Speaker 35 We make better women than you.

Speaker 11 We've got stronger legs. We're faster.
We've got bigger dicks.

Speaker 2 That's me.

Speaker 2 Simon Perkovich. Going in on trans

Speaker 2 athletes. Welcome to the show.
This is your first time on, right? First time. I would remember a Perkovich if I've heard one before.
How long have you been on stand-up?

Speaker 2 Like three years. Where at?

Speaker 35 Telluride, Colorado.

Speaker 2 Wow, what's it like up in Telluride? It sucks. Yeah?

Speaker 16 Yeah, Telluride sucks.

Speaker 2 Don't ski there uh it's a terrible resort why um it used to be really cool it was like a hippie ski town now it's like oprah lives there and like they turned every cool thing into a condo ah what were they kind of like austin yeah no austin's amazing you're right it is yeah we don't know what you're talking about city's great and oprah is nowhere to be found that's true so does oprah actually live there it seems like that would be a slippery slope slope for her

Speaker 2 for her very unhealthy body to

Speaker 35 Yeah, I don't think she can breathe up there. And we've never seen her, but she's got the biggest property in our area.

Speaker 2 That makes sense. Just in case the shit hits the fan, there's a space for her to escape to.

Speaker 2 Luckily, that won't happen.

Speaker 2 Because anyway, I'll just keep going on. I want to get political here.
That's me avoiding politics for a change.

Speaker 2 So Simon, tell us more about you. What What do you do for work?

Speaker 35 I was a bartender. Now I'm trying to figure it out.
I want to work for farms and stuff around here. I went to the farmer's market, just dropped off my resume with a bunch of people.

Speaker 2 Haven't heard anything back. What kind of farming do you want to do?

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Do you know what

Speaker 35 I used to?

Speaker 2 What year are you in?

Speaker 2 25. I don't know.
1925. Very good.
Farming is an option.

Speaker 2 What are you talking about?

Speaker 2 Have you ever farmed before? Yeah.

Speaker 35 I used to be a mushroom farmer. I'd grow like medicinal mushrooms.

Speaker 35 I've worked on a pig farm. I've worked on an apple farm.
Organic stuff.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Yeah. All right.
You're a little hippy-dippy, huh?

Speaker 35 I'm a little hippie-dippy. I think that if you don't make food in some way, you're kind of useless.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh.

Speaker 2 Right. that's how i feel about other people yeah

Speaker 2 other people should make my food yeah

Speaker 2 that's where you come in that's what i do and that's not what i do yeah i eat the food

Speaker 2 i drink your milkshake yeah

Speaker 35 tell us more how long have you been in austin texas uh i've been here since halloween so it's been like two weeks hell yeah Halloween.

Speaker 2 Did you dress up for Halloween?

Speaker 35 Yeah, I have this like robe that I do drugs and walk the desert in and it kind of looks like the dude. So I was the dude for Halloween.

Speaker 2 With arms wide open.

Speaker 2 Jesus. We just got in a whole episode

Speaker 2 demonetized for me singing one line of that song, that exact line.

Speaker 2 No big deal. Just a quick hundred thousand bucks down the train.
Thank you, Tommy.

Speaker 2 Wasn't even a do joke. Just switched it to Creed.
And

Speaker 2 it's okay. We'll bleep it.
We've learned to bleep it. We have to bleep shit all the time now, which fucking sucks.

Speaker 2 Oh shit, look at that picture of Redband happening over there in the corner. I love this.
Very rarely do I get sidetracked by the artwork, but I've never seen anyone draw red band so spot-on before.

Speaker 2 Look at that. Absolutely nailing it over there.

Speaker 2 That's what you look like, dude. That's what you fucking.
I thought that was a mirror for a second, somehow reflecting your perfect face that's what red bit add a little more weight on the cheeks

Speaker 2 fucking unbelievable Chris nailing it

Speaker 2 salute to you I love it the the the paint adds

Speaker 2 oh my goodness Simon,

Speaker 2 you have so much charisma that a painting just took over the show while you were up here.

Speaker 2 Tell us more about you. What's the most interesting thing about your entire life?

Speaker 35 Most interesting thing about my life.

Speaker 2 There's a theme to tonight's show because the first comedian got her first STD at three years old. Have you ever had an STD before?

Speaker 35 No, not yet. You know what? I do have something weird on my dick, though.

Speaker 2 Oh.

Speaker 35 Anyone heard of lichen sclerosis?

Speaker 2 No. Tell us more.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 35 I tell people it's a birthmark.

Speaker 35 It sucks. It's Latin for it looks like there's lichen on your cock.

Speaker 35 And it's just like it's just like pale. It's just a little whiter just on my dick and it kind of grows a little bit.

Speaker 2 Oh fucking disgusting. It is.
Yeah. Have you had a doctor look at it before? Or are you just out there on the farms just digging in dirt and fucking living your life?

Speaker 35 Yeah, I had my dad diagnose it.

Speaker 2 Is your dad a doctor? No. Oh, okay.
Perfect.

Speaker 2 All right. Well, Simon, very, very interesting.
We're looking at it. Lichen is a condition that causes patchy, discolored, thin skin and usually affects the genital and anal areas.

Speaker 2 How about your anal area?

Speaker 35 Um, no, I can't see all the way up.

Speaker 2 I might have to give it a look after the show. Perfect.

Speaker 2 Wow. What a disgusting-looking disease.
Not contagious. You can't get it.
It's not contagious.

Speaker 2 But we don't even know if that's it. It could very easily be anything.
You just think it's Lichen syndrome. Yeah.

Speaker 35 So if you're a doctor, it can, you know.

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Cole, you're leaving here with a medium-sized jokebook. The audience laughed at yourself, but trans athletes is kind of a kind of an easy subject.

Speaker 2 I want to hear you talk about more, maybe more about your life next time or something. Real perspective.

Speaker 2 There you go. Simon Perkins.
For sure. Thank you so much.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 On to the next one we go.

Speaker 2 You guys having fun out there? Do you get it?

Speaker 2 You're in it. Anything can happen.
Last week we

Speaker 2 coined a brand new golden ticket winner i mean anything can happen your next comedian goes by the name of seth shepard everybody seth shepard is your fourth bucket full fifth comedian

Speaker 2 howdy buddy

Speaker 19 my name is seth shepherd and i'm from eastern kentucky

Speaker 19 being from such a place means i come with an accent

Speaker 19 An accent, mind you, that is mildly inconvenient, pending on the circumstance.

Speaker 19 For instance, I know a fair amount of Spanish.

Speaker 19 I just try not to speak it because it just sounds like a hate crime coming out of this mouth.

Speaker 19 Buenos dias, senor.

Speaker 19 Means good day, mister.

Speaker 19 Coming for me, though, it sounds about as friendly as the soft crackling of a burning cross.

Speaker 19 Thank y'all so much.

Speaker 19 This is almost a dated joke, I guess, because the election is over. But

Speaker 19 did y'all hear about the mechanic shop that the Harrison Waltz campaign

Speaker 19 was trying to come out with?

Speaker 19 They mostly do electrical work and radiator work, but their real specialty was rebuilding trannies.

Speaker 2 There you go.

Speaker 2 Very tranny, heavy episode tonight. Seth Shepherd.

Speaker 2 Welcome, Seth. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Speaker 19 This is less than my 10th time.

Speaker 2 This is less than my 10th time. Look at you.
You sound like a guy that's like 50 years older than you. How old are you?

Speaker 19 I'm 27.

Speaker 2 Oh, god damn it. God damn it, Tony.
I'm fucking... I'm only 11 years old.

Speaker 2 I've been sounding like this my whole goddamn life. My first words were objection.

Speaker 19 My dad gave me my first cigarette when I was four.

Speaker 2 Is Is that true? Yes, sir. Wow, look at this episode.
STDs at three, cigarettes at four. What the fuck? This bucket is contaminated tonight.

Speaker 19 He said, if you keep puffing, it won't go out. We're a Marlborough family.

Speaker 2 Absolutely incredible. That is the most Kentucky shit I've ever heard of in my life.
Do you still live in eastern Kentucky?

Speaker 19 No, sir.

Speaker 29 I moved here the end of September.

Speaker 2 Oh, by God, the end of September.

Speaker 2 Unbelievable. We went from the dude to the guy that narrates the big Lebowski.

Speaker 2 And that was the story of the dude.

Speaker 19 I have always wanted to do voiceover work, yes, sir.

Speaker 2 You have a great narrator voice. It is incredible.
Powerful stuff. So,

Speaker 2 what the hell was I going to say?

Speaker 2 How long ago did you move here again?

Speaker 19 The end of September. I was working a dog shit job and just didn't get time to get up on stage.
I quit it last Saturday. Paid rent up to the end of January.

Speaker 2 Yes, sir. There you go.
So here you go. What's your living situation? What are you living in?

Speaker 19 Studio apartment by myself.

Speaker 2 Amazing. Amazing.
Do you have a job here yet?

Speaker 19 I quit it last Saturday.

Speaker 2 You quit the job here in Austin? Yes, sir. What was that job?

Speaker 19 It was a general manager spot for

Speaker 19 a chain pizza restaurant.

Speaker 2 What was the chain? Papa John's. It was awesome.

Speaker 2 Yep.

Speaker 29 It was better. Papa John.

Speaker 2 It's falling downhill. You would know our senior pizza correspondent, Brian Redband.
Since Papa left, it's not the same. Yep.

Speaker 2 Yep. Papa's got a brand new bag.

Speaker 2 Absolutely incredible. How have they fallen off exactly, senior pizza correspondent Brian Redband?

Speaker 1 It's just not the same anymore.

Speaker 29 It's bad when Domino's is beating it.

Speaker 2 Wow. What's the edge? It's just

Speaker 2 less garlic sauce. Yeah, I think it is.

Speaker 2 The peppers are all like, you know, horrible now.

Speaker 17 They're not saying the N-word anymore.

Speaker 17 Yeah.

Speaker 2 No more N-word. The peppers are bad.
If we only knew a farmer that could help them with that.

Speaker 2 So, Seth, what are you looking to do now? You're done. You're done being a GM at Papa John's.
What's next for you? What kind of job are you looking for?

Speaker 19 My rent is paid up to the end of January, so I'm hoping for a job at maybe one of the clubs

Speaker 19 or if there's a farm locally that needs pigs killed. I've got guns.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of fucking farmers here tonight. Yes, sir.
Wow. Incredible.
Do you have experience farming?

Speaker 19 Yes, sir. We grow back at...
dad's house we grow with whatever you can think of mushrooms watermelons anything why'd you say watermelon second?

Speaker 19 I've been trying to work on a joke about how I get asked a lot of the same questions as inner city black kids, because I'm from Kentucky and everybody's like, how often do you eat fried chicken?

Speaker 19 I'm like, oh.

Speaker 2 I love the voice that you have for normal people.

Speaker 2 That was incredible. You really think very low of us, of us,

Speaker 2 of us, non-accent people. Well, we're going to get some fried chicken.

Speaker 2 Make us sound like real dumbasses. Deep Madness has to take a watermelon break now.

Speaker 2 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Racist. Oh, he said watermelon.
Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. At a political rally.
Oh, God.

Speaker 21 He heard it twice and was like, I got to get out of here.

Speaker 2 I love it. So, what do you really think? I mean, you're not going to get a job farming.
What can we really do for you?

Speaker 19 Anything need to be done. I'm trying to get a job over at Mr.
Redband's club.

Speaker 2 Mr. Redband.
I've never heard him be called that before. Been working with this motherfucker.

Speaker 1 He used to call me that at Papa John's every time I was here.

Speaker 2 Redband.

Speaker 2 Where's your noise? Give me your noise. That's a fucking good one.
Where's it at? There it is.

Speaker 2 Mr. Redband.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. Make sure those peppers are extra peppy.
Mr. Redband put in an order.

Speaker 2 Why don't you fucking help this guy get a job?

Speaker 1 You put an application in?

Speaker 39 Yes, sir.

Speaker 19 I'll send it to you. All right.

Speaker 2 I'll remember and see. I don't know if we're hiring, but I'll look at it.
Why don't we just say it? Next person to get fired and that needs to get hired, let's move him to the top of the list.

Speaker 2 He might be hiring, so I don't know.

Speaker 2 There you go. I'm going to make sure somebody gets fired there in the next couple weeks.

Speaker 2 I can't remember. How was your fucking set? Kentucky.
And then I wrote the letters essay. Big?

Speaker 2 Welcome to the... Welcome to Austin, Seth.
Big joke book. Fill it up.

Speaker 2 I don't know what's going on anymore.

Speaker 2 Such a compelling interview.

Speaker 2 Seth Shepard, his name's getting written down by Red Van. The motherfucker's gonna end up at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

Speaker 2 And you're gonna see him one day, and you're gonna go, I remember that's the guy with the thick old accent.

Speaker 40 There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Speaker 40 Where museum days turn to electric lights,

Speaker 40 where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight,

Speaker 40 where there's something new for everyone to discover.

Speaker 40 There's only one DC.

Speaker 40 Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Speaker 41 Honey Punches the Votes for Todos. Today Albaner para sabermás.

Speaker 2 All right. Is uh our guy ready over there? Yeah, great.
You guys are in for it. This is it.
One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Speaker 2 Not easy at all to move the crowd once a week for 60 seconds. He basically gives you an hour special every year.

Speaker 2 He's a fucking prodigy at his age, at his experience to be this goddamn good, this cool, and such a great friend. Make some noise for the great and powerful.
Cam Patterson.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 2 Yeah, yeah.

Speaker 38 That last guy had like a slave on a voice.

Speaker 38 It was very terrible. You know what's crazy?

Speaker 38 I went to a Colorado Buffalo game recently, and I had on the uniform, I had like a jacket on, and a bunch of white people just thought I was a recruit, and that was the funniest shit ever.

Speaker 2 They're like, he can't be here to read.

Speaker 38 It's not a reader. It's a running back, nigga.
This is crazy. And it was cool, because I was in line the whole time.
Like, one lady was like, are you going to go here? You going to come here?

Speaker 38 I was like, I might.

Speaker 2 I'm thinking about it a little bit.

Speaker 38 I got three schools lined up right now. It's Florida, Georgia, and here, you feel me? And then she was like, but you can't beat these views.

Speaker 38 And I wanted to be funny, so I was like, you can't beat the white bitches. And then I walked off and she was very confused.
She was thoroughly confused.

Speaker 38 I also watched the Mike Tyson fight and that was terrible. But listen, my favorite part about the whole fight was before when they asked him how the fight was going to go and he said, vicious victory.

Speaker 38 And he turned around and his ass was out, right?

Speaker 38 And you know what's crazy to me? Anybody else in this room, as a grown man, in a room with other grown men, if you have your ass out, that's gay, right?

Speaker 38 But for Mike Tyson, that might have been the straightest shit I've ever seen in my life, dog.

Speaker 38 It was crazy. I'll tell you one thing: the cameraman, right? The cameraman, that when he turned around, it was like a full view of the room, right?

Speaker 38 And then he zoomed in on his ass.

Speaker 38 Now, that guy, gay as fuck, dog.

Speaker 2 That's

Speaker 38 I've been cat back. Thank you so much, Justin.

Speaker 2 That is how you do it.

Speaker 2 What's up? Fuck yeah.

Speaker 38 That was fun, man.

Speaker 38 This is good. I'm happy.

Speaker 2 Done it again.

Speaker 2 Talking about your weekend in Colorado. Hell yeah.
And topical stuff. You take what you do and what you see and you immediately recycle it into great material.
100%. A fucking machine.

Speaker 2 You were in Colorado on Saturday? Hell yeah.

Speaker 38 I was there since Wednesday. I did seven shows.

Speaker 24 Thank y'all.

Speaker 2 You know what I'm saying? Wow.

Speaker 2 Seven shows.

Speaker 38 That shows a real blessing, bro.

Speaker 2 Amazing. You got to meet Dion? Hell yeah.

Speaker 38 I froze like a motherfucker, boy.

Speaker 2 You what?

Speaker 38 I froze because his manager, a big fan, like he liked the show and shit. So like he said, come out, you know, saying

Speaker 2 his manager, one of his managers. Oh, wow.
So I went to the prep.

Speaker 38 I seen everything, dog. So and I met him and I was like, what's up, Mr.
Dion? I was saying,

Speaker 38 I was sensitive.

Speaker 38 I could have got cut from the team. Nigga, I was like really nervous, but I was happy, dog.
I was happy to be there. You feel what I'm saying? Shit was dope.

Speaker 2 I only know you met Dion because I got a text from your dad who always updates me on the highlights of your career when you're on the road.

Speaker 2 I was on the road at the same exact time doing a show in Southern California to to an amazing, amazing time. Shout out to Fantasy Springs in Indio.
Had a big, big, crazy, extremely Latino turnout.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 and I get a text from your dad who always updates me. You know, he just did this.
He just did that. Thanks to you.

Speaker 2 And so what was Dion like?

Speaker 38 The funniest shit, my dad, you know, that's black, that's like my dad's hero, nigga. So my dad was like,

Speaker 15 I'm going to talk to us.

Speaker 38 He was on the plane, like, like, thinking of like a plan, what to say. And he got, and he was like, hey, Dion.

Speaker 2 Hey, prime time.

Speaker 38 I'm ready. And then Dion was like, for what?

Speaker 38 And my dad was like, I ain't think that far ahead into the conversation.

Speaker 38 I thought you all ready. I want you all ready as fuck.
That's all it was.

Speaker 2 Did your dad and Dion compare their fucked up feet?

Speaker 38 No, they should have. That would have been fucking funny.
That would have been funny as shit. But you know what's funny? My dad got his toes done because we talk about it so much.
He got pedicured.

Speaker 38 Yeah, so people will see him and they don't look bad no more.

Speaker 38 He don't got like slave feet no more. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 I can't believe a pedicure solved that. He needs a fucking chiropractor on those feet.
Crack those toes back to where they belong. They were pointed every direction.

Speaker 2 There's no real way for you guys, Dundre. It's really just for me and Cam.
I'm going to picture them. I can get a picture of them.

Speaker 38 I can get a picture of them.

Speaker 2 We should. Do we have an old picture? Let me get an old picture of them toes.
Oh, hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Trust me. I find them with you.
Let's zoom in on that pic, like Mike Tyson's ass.

Speaker 2 I want the people to see. Exactly.
I mean, the toes are just, they look like they're like

Speaker 2 palm trees, like growing out other directions.

Speaker 38 They terrible, though.

Speaker 2 It is incredible.

Speaker 38 My mom always said, We got the same feet. You feel me? My mom would always say, if he didn't claim you as your son, as your son, then you show your toes, and that's how you get it done.

Speaker 38 You know what I'm saying? Oh, yeah. You got the same feet.

Speaker 2 The good news is I'd never seen your feet. Even if you're wearing sandals or flip-flops, you always keep socks on them.
Absolutely.

Speaker 2 No, there's there's no way I'm having him pull those nobody ever seeing my feet everybody's room would die right now I swear to God yeah I don't want to do it I don't want to find out I don't want to find out that Cam is 5% falcon

Speaker 2 I could tell Dee's kind of has fucked up feet just by the way he's laughing at all this. It is a black person thing.
It's not like racist to say a stereotype that's true.

Speaker 2 I mean, looking at a lot of Texans that drove an hour and a half to be here from the country, just like, wait, what? That's a thing?

Speaker 38 But it's a thing, right? They all look very confused. I mean, I would not agree or disagree.
I'll tell you that, but it is a thing.

Speaker 2 I don't know all black people's feet.

Speaker 38 My mama got good feet.

Speaker 2 I see. No weird shit.
Oh,

Speaker 2 the women. The women.
I ain't saying nothing weird.

Speaker 38 That sounds pretty weird when I said it. My mom probably got good feet.
I don't know. Fuck it.

Speaker 2 I don't fucking know.

Speaker 2 Who knows?

Speaker 17 Do you have a picture of those?

Speaker 2 Huh? Yeah. No, no, hell no.

Speaker 42 Fuck no. Are you fucking crazy?

Speaker 38 No!

Speaker 38 She don't even got feet, nigga. She is floating shit.

Speaker 2 She'll be floating.

Speaker 38 That's all she do. She float.

Speaker 38 She don't got feet, titties or ass.

Speaker 21 She has a fucking ray of sunshine.

Speaker 2 That's what my mama is.

Speaker 38 She a fucking spectral of a person.

Speaker 38 It's not even real. She is a voice.

Speaker 2 That's all she is. Ha ha ha.

Speaker 38 She a voice.

Speaker 38 She not a real person.

Speaker 2 I love it. You guys have seen Cam Patterson before, Tommy, Sean.

Speaker 2 Of course, I mean, I love Cam.

Speaker 32 Fuck you.

Speaker 2 Do you remember when I pretended to be you?

Speaker 17 Huh? Do you remember when I pretended to be you on that blindfolded show?

Speaker 38 Yes, that's funny.

Speaker 38 We did a dating show.

Speaker 2 I don't think they were buying it, to be honest with you.

Speaker 2 Let's see it. What was it like?

Speaker 2 Wait, explain the premise. There was a blindfolded show.

Speaker 17 There was a blind dating show.

Speaker 22 Okay.

Speaker 2 I won't pretend we're blind.

Speaker 26 I'm a contestant.

Speaker 17 Okay.

Speaker 17 I mean, there's not much to it. I just walked out.
I said, hey, everybody, I'm Cam Patterson.

Speaker 17 I'm wearing flip-flops right now. I swear to God, I'm I'm black as hell.

Speaker 2 I'm not white.

Speaker 14 And they weren't buying it. I don't know why, but they weren't.

Speaker 2 Somehow, it didn't work for some reason.

Speaker 38 They didn't like it.

Speaker 2 We accidentally said it.

Speaker 18 They didn't like it right now either.

Speaker 38 They don't enjoy it right now. Fuck wrong with you, niggas.

Speaker 2 That lie?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 21 They seem very scared now.

Speaker 36 Thank you, Kim.

Speaker 38 I got your back, dude.

Speaker 2 You're fantastic. Every week, the hat gravitates farther to the back of your head.
Come on, come on. Was there something holding that on? No, nigga.

Speaker 2 There's not a pin. It's magic.
It's black magic.

Speaker 2 How is that staying on? Can you show the side angle to the humans out there? It doesn't really make any sense.

Speaker 38 This magic, I got good hair. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 2 I swear to God, we are three weeks away from that thing just being on the back of your neck sideways. It's a come with the wig? Huh? It's a come with the wig?

Speaker 38 What the fuck are you talking about, Red Ban?

Speaker 38 Fucking you be a wiggle.

Speaker 2 Look at the picture of Red Band in the corner over there if you want to feel him.

Speaker 38 He looked dead.

Speaker 2 Hey! The late great Red Band over there, that's him

Speaker 2 after being found in a river. Somehow his hat stayed on the whole time as well.

Speaker 38 That's Rigamurtis, man.

Speaker 2 What it is, Riga Murdis?

Speaker 38 Riga Mortis, Riga Murdis.

Speaker 2 Riga Mortis. Riga Mortis.

Speaker 38 That bit kicking in. Yeah, yeah, Riga Mort.
Let's see your feet.

Speaker 2 Let's see your feet.

Speaker 1 I bet it looks like five dead ETs. Remember when he's in the water?

Speaker 2 I bet it looks like five of those. You say ETs?

Speaker 38 Yeah. Bet I'm 25.
I've never seen that movie, nigga.

Speaker 42 Fuck E.T.

Speaker 2 Fuck E.T.

Speaker 2 Fuck E.T. Yeah, fuck E.T., nigga.
That's right. Absolutely.

Speaker 21 Fuck extraterrestrials and shit.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 If you ran into E.T., I know what you would do. You would steal his bicycle.

Speaker 38 Nah, smoke, E.T., that'd be cool.

Speaker 2 There is nobody like you, buddy. I don't know if there's anybody I love quite as much as you, the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

Speaker 2 All right, on and on we go. Where we stop? Who the fuck knows? Oh, this is very exciting.
This young lady has been on the show before.

Speaker 2 We are in for a special treat with a great interview and 60 seconds uninterrupted. This is the return of Juanita, everybody.
Juanita is back.

Speaker 10 How many of you kill Tony people are unvaccinated?

Speaker 14 Don't get it.

Speaker 10 Don't get the vaccine.

Speaker 21 I'm transgender now.

Speaker 10 Didn't happen until after a second booster in a Bud Light.

Speaker 10 Drink, Shiner, keep it local.

Speaker 10 Sometimes I like to go to gender reveal parties

Speaker 10 and drown the room in negative energy.

Speaker 10 You don't fucking know!

Speaker 10 You don't fucking know!

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah, Juanita, I gotta tell you,

Speaker 2 I was excited to see your name. You've been on this show a couple times before.

Speaker 2 I was excited to see your name because I was looking immediately forward to the interview and the jokes that were gonna happen. But I gotta tell you, that's the best minute you've ever had by far.

Speaker 2 Thank you on the show.

Speaker 2 I love to see you doing,

Speaker 2 acknowledging being trans, owning it, and fucking talking about it. That's fun.
It's always interesting to me.

Speaker 2 And I think the last time you were on, if I remember correctly, you didn't quite cover it right. And I was kind of like in the interview trying to hint at talking about it.

Speaker 2 This time, it's guns ablazing.

Speaker 2 You're definitely trans. Yeah.
There's no doubt about it.

Speaker 15 I just thought it was really fucking obvious.

Speaker 10 And then actually like, Amy.

Speaker 2 It is. It is.
It is. It is.
It is. It is.
That's what I'm saying, is that it is. And it's best that you acknowledge it instead of me going, so anything else about you?

Speaker 2 Juanita?

Speaker 15 You're going to be like, so what does your dick look like?

Speaker 2 Well,

Speaker 2 what does it look like? Well, Tony.

Speaker 26 I'd say you're more of a Juan than Anita.

Speaker 2 Oh?

Speaker 15 Hey,

Speaker 15 that's my dad name.

Speaker 15 You nailed it.

Speaker 35 You were a Juan.

Speaker 2 Yeah. And now you're Juan gone.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 Juan is gone.

Speaker 2 So what's it like? When did you realize that you prefer being a woman or you are a woman or whatever you

Speaker 2 whatever it is?

Speaker 10 I'm a lady.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. Sort of?

Speaker 10 My entire life though.

Speaker 2 He's a lady.

Speaker 2 He's a lady.

Speaker 10 My entire life since I was like a little kid.

Speaker 15 Really?

Speaker 10 Yeah, it was like a huge secret. And then I didn't actually

Speaker 10 transition until I was like 30.

Speaker 2 Okay. How old are you now?

Speaker 25 36.

Speaker 2 36. And you've been in Texas for how long?

Speaker 10 Since I was six.

Speaker 2 Right. Where were you before then?

Speaker 10 I was born in Mexico.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 1 Born in Mexico.

Speaker 2 And you're here. So you are a transplant.

Speaker 2 She went to prison.

Speaker 2 Hold on. What's on?

Speaker 21 If she went to prison,

Speaker 17 she could have got it for free.

Speaker 2 That's true. Oh, she's cheaper in Mexico, though.

Speaker 23 Sorry, I don't want to get it.

Speaker 10 Dude, I should have stolen more stuff.

Speaker 2 Yeah.

Speaker 2 Still had a pussy.

Speaker 2 Juanita, what do you do for work?

Speaker 10 Right now I'm unemployed. Anybody got a job?

Speaker 2 Oh, my goodness gracious.

Speaker 10 But I'm collecting unemployment. I worked for like a tech company doing translations, and then they had the job.

Speaker 2 Translations? Are you serious? Are you kidding me?

Speaker 2 Are you kidding me?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 So you were translating Spanish to English?

Speaker 2 Okay. Incredible.
Are you looking for a job now?

Speaker 10 Yeah, like bartending or doing whatever. I don't know.

Speaker 2 You know how to bartend? Yeah.

Speaker 24 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 What do you, what do you, what, what's like one of your favorite drinks to make?

Speaker 10 Just like a classic actual martini, so stirred, not shaken.

Speaker 10 Gin, dry, lemon.

Speaker 2 Are there any special trans drinks that you make? Like a unshirley temple or a

Speaker 2 or perhaps.

Speaker 11 She makes a martini and pours into a Miller Light bottle.

Speaker 10 I get my boyfriend to come and

Speaker 2 you make a mean used to be a man hattin.

Speaker 10 Next bar job, yeah, I'm gonna fucking do that.

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 13 Express yourself martini.

Speaker 21 Guys?

Speaker 2 Oh, I love it. I love it.

Speaker 2 Juanita, what else? What are some hobbies? What else are you into when you're not doing stand-up comedy?

Speaker 10 I like doing impressions and I like to paint.

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 15 I said, you don't say.

Speaker 2 God damn it, Gardini.

Speaker 2 You know I love you. No, I love you, too.

Speaker 2 Look what baby.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah.

Speaker 2 Hell yeah. I'm kind of into gingers.

Speaker 2 You're into gingers?

Speaker 11 I was just kidding.

Speaker 2 I hope not.

Speaker 2 Oh, that's amazing. I love it.

Speaker 2 Paint your back, dude.

Speaker 2 So I gotta know these impressions. I gotta see some impressions from the lovely Juanita.
I am so excited about this.

Speaker 10 What's her name? Nicole Tran.

Speaker 2 Oh, Nicole Tran from Kill Tony Fame? I keep doing this. Wow, I've never heard anybody do a Nicole Tran impression.

Speaker 2 Ladies and gentlemen, this is Juanita doing Nicole Tran, which, by the way, has the word Tran in her name. Just a fun fact.

Speaker 2 For those of you hearing the translator, transplant, that's a tran doing Nicole Tran. Can't make it up.
Ladies and gentlemen, here's Juanita doing Nicole Tran.

Speaker 15 When I was a kid,

Speaker 37 we did not play Ding Dong Ditch.

Speaker 10 We just ditched our friend Ding Dong.

Speaker 2 That's very good.

Speaker 2 Very good.

Speaker 2 That is what Nicole Tran sounds like. I have a good Tyrive era, too.

Speaker 2 Wow. Okay.

Speaker 2 Who else?

Speaker 2 What else? Maybe like a a...

Speaker 10 I'm trying to think.

Speaker 14 Like Jennifer Coolidge.

Speaker 2 Okay, let's hear Jennifer Coolidge.

Speaker 37 I'm doing jokes right now.

Speaker 10 That one's not as good.

Speaker 2 Okay. Anybody else you can think of, Juanita?

Speaker 2 Nope, John D's throwing out a request.

Speaker 43 Samuel L.

Speaker 2 Jackson.

Speaker 2 There she is. It's kind of hard to just get thrown an impression, but we're throwing you.
Let's see. We're throwing it right at you, Juanita.

Speaker 38 Motherfucker, do you know what a royale with cheese is?

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 Do it again, but this time untuck your cock from between your legs. No, don't do it, Juanita.
Don't do it.

Speaker 2 Don't do it.

Speaker 38 Juanita, you are so cool.

Speaker 2 There is like this.

Speaker 2 There's like a...

Speaker 2 You know, a stereotype, I guess, out there that trans people are all woke and annoying and this and that. And you fucking...

Speaker 10 I get in trouble for being racist.

Speaker 2 Tell me about it, baby.

Speaker 2 Ah, Juanita, Juanita.

Speaker 2 What's your love life like? Tell us more. You're into gingers.
I want to know what you're butt fucking. All right.

Speaker 31 I want to know.

Speaker 10 The last experience I had is kind of embarrassing.

Speaker 10 I was barking for a show on 6th, and this really kind of like handsome, like younger guy, he like walked by and he gave me eyes and I was like, you should go in our show.

Speaker 10 And so we let him in the show and I performed. I got off stage.
He like hugged me and then

Speaker 10 made out with him and he goes, I don't think Mithra is going to like this.

Speaker 2 You don't think what?

Speaker 14 He said, I don't think Mithra is going to like this.

Speaker 2 What the fuck's Mithra?

Speaker 14 That's what I said. I was like, who the fuck is Mithra?

Speaker 15 Oh, Zydia. And he goes,

Speaker 15 oh, she's the goddess.

Speaker 10 Her and Yeshua, they guide me. I was like, are you homeless? And he was like, yeah.

Speaker 10 I was like.

Speaker 2 Wow. Fuck.
Wow.

Speaker 2 Somehow he was no homo and no homo at the same time. That is incredible.
Yes, homo and no homo.

Speaker 15 Would you say he was transient?

Speaker 2 Yes.

Speaker 2 Absolutely.

Speaker 2 For those of you marking off trans bingo cards tonight, everybody's won. No doubt about it.
It is bingo across the boards. So you made out with a homeless guy, and then what happened?

Speaker 10 No, I sent him home.

Speaker 2 Oh. I have a more interesting one.

Speaker 2 Just outside, back outside.

Speaker 2 You kicked him to the curb and sent him home.

Speaker 11 I dropped him in a sharp shopping cart.

Speaker 14 Fucking pushed him down a hill.

Speaker 2 It does seem like you have some, you know, you seem like, you know, an offensive line woman.

Speaker 2 So like, do you throw boys around? Like, what are you, what's your stuff?

Speaker 10 I like the big ones.

Speaker 19 I like tall.

Speaker 2 You like big

Speaker 2 guys to throw you around.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Right.

Speaker 10 I have a more interesting one. Okay.

Speaker 10 Rick Diaz showed me what vanish mode was on Instagram. Showed me his wiener.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 10 Well, I don't know if it was big or if it just looked big in his pan's labyrinth hand choking it. Wow.

Speaker 2 But seemed big my goodness it seems absolutely disgusting i'm

Speaker 2 i'm fucking hungry zell dude

Speaker 2 i'm starving

Speaker 2 poor rick wow uh

Speaker 2 well i mean i'll tell you why he would do it he's a little obviously a little horny european boy

Speaker 2 yeah juanita do i have his golden ticket juanita no uh

Speaker 2 Juanita.

Speaker 2 What is a typical day like for you?

Speaker 2 How does it start?

Speaker 2 Do you wake up feeling like a woman? Yes.

Speaker 2 Are you kind of like,

Speaker 2 oh, fuck, another fucking Monday shit.

Speaker 2 God damn it. And you're like, hey, hey,

Speaker 10 Time to do the thing again.

Speaker 10 I was going to say, I do have Shania Twain as an alarm clock just to remember.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Don't forget you're a lady. Yeah.
Does it ever play in slow motion? It's like, feel like a lady.

Speaker 2 All right, Juanita, you have a joke book? I have a little one. Well, guess what?

Speaker 2 Fuck yes!

Speaker 2 Boom!

Speaker 2 Juanita, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 Good old Texas trans. You know what I'm saying? We plugging big and bulky.
Help you move. Type of lady that'll help you move a couch.

Speaker 2 There we go. For those of you whose dicks have gotten into your stomach, there's the lovely Heidi to bring it back out a little bit.

Speaker 2 The old piece of ginger after this trans sushi we just had up here.

Speaker 2 All right.

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Speaker 2 Make some notes to your next comedian.

Speaker 2 60 seconds uninterrupted for Dusty Keith, everybody. Dusty Keith is next on Keltony.

Speaker 21 Tony doesn't seem to recognize my name.

Speaker 30 I couldn't forget those hot pink rubber clown lips if I tried.

Speaker 2 Damn, they haunt me.

Speaker 32 Man, I get the shaky memory though. Her senses were rattled by many a headboard and man's pelvis back in the day during her horn times.
And she's transitioned since. I'm sorry to dead name you.

Speaker 32 But yeah, like me and the frat gentleman were admiring her two-dick mouth yet three-dick throat. You know, we measure things with what we have on town down in the south.

Speaker 32 And in a fever, she slammed down her sea breeze, dislocated her jaw, and enveloped the three thickest frat gentlemen in the room. It was one of those incredible moments where time seems to come

Speaker 32 slow down as things come together. I witnessed it then.
It was a dingularity. If need be, Tanya here could discator jaw and envelop an entire frozen turkey.

Speaker 32 Let's all go down to the H-E-B so you can show them your merchandise, girl.

Speaker 2 Still got a few seconds, huh?

Speaker 32 She earned a good name back in the day. Manaconda for those moments.
Thank you.

Speaker 2 Okay, Dusty Keith.

Speaker 2 Was that about me? Yeah. Okay.
That was confusing because there was just a trans person on stage.

Speaker 2 I thought maybe you were trying to riff about her. It was all completely

Speaker 2 dispsy.

Speaker 32 I'm this big tall guy the first day I was here five months ago.

Speaker 2 Nothing you say makes any fucking sense, Dusty.

Speaker 2 The girl. The trans girl.
Just take your time. Breathe a little bit, Dusty.

Speaker 2 Dusty, Dusty, Dusty. So what was that supposed to be?

Speaker 32 It was just a story about back in the day, but I thought it'd be funny.

Speaker 2 Back in the day.

Speaker 2 But a made-up story. Made-up story.
About back in the day with me. Yeah.
Okay.

Speaker 2 How do you think it went, Dustin? Horrible. Right.
Do you do stand-up? Yeah, I do.

Speaker 2 How long have you been doing it?

Speaker 32 It's been a year and five months.

Speaker 2 A year and five months. Where have you been doing it at?

Speaker 32 Raleigh, Richmond, Newport News.

Speaker 2 And you thought that to come out guns ablazing and tell a made-up story about me?

Speaker 30 I said, I couldn't forget those hot pink rubber clown lips if I tried. I thought it would land, but oh, oh well.

Speaker 2 We heard you the first time. I know I know.
I know, I know.

Speaker 2 Me, I have

Speaker 2 I have hot pink rubber clown lips, is what they're saying. Okay, these look hot pink.

Speaker 32 You look like Peter Pan kissed a rat trap.

Speaker 2 No, I'm on. I don't know.
I don't know. I have beautiful lips, Dusty.

Speaker 2 My lips are a very, very tough thing to make fun of. They're pouty.
They're unbelievably beautiful, very plump. Heidi's giving me a thumbs up, which means

Speaker 2 pretty manly dusty we're good but you took a shot at it what have you uh tried to write about you you came up here a bunch of self-roasts I've got like a bunch like I'm the Mr.

Speaker 2 Clean Wolverine for a sparkly clean murder scene you know look yeah you could have talked about you there's some light chuckles happening yeah

Speaker 2 Actually

Speaker 2 very, very light chuckles happening. What else? Give us another one of your jokes that you spent a year and five months writing.

Speaker 32 I look like a Shrek Saber-Tooth teleporter accident, you you know.

Speaker 2 Uh-huh. All right.

Speaker 32 I'm stressed. I'm shedding.
I got low tea. I look like Chewbacca on chemo.

Speaker 2 Okay, here you go. You look, you moved the crowd.
Oh, no.

Speaker 2 I'm trying to help you here, Dusty. You came out here thinking you were going to crush the old fucking king on his throne.

Speaker 2 And here I am showing mercy on you, Dusty.

Speaker 2 Here I am. Here I am.
I see you.

Speaker 32 I see you trying to cook up some things for this hairy balding.

Speaker 2 I'm not cooking up anything. There's no real point in making fun of somebody that, you know.

Speaker 14 You're right. Give it up for Bomb Marine.

Speaker 2 Did he write that? No, I know.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 11 I actually, I fucked up.

Speaker 11 I fucked up.

Speaker 2 Tommy. I fucked up.

Speaker 1 Did he slide you a note?

Speaker 2 Dusty, what do you do for work?

Speaker 32 I'm a crossing guard over here, but I haven't.

Speaker 2 You're a crossing guard? Yeah.

Speaker 2 Holy shit, dude. This is amazing.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Did you graduate from high school?

Speaker 32 Yeah, I got a Bachelor of Science in Applied Physics.

Speaker 2 You graduated from college.

Speaker 32 Worked for the big three, General Dynamics, Raytheon, Lockheed Martin.

Speaker 2 What happened?

Speaker 2 I don't like war.

Speaker 2 Really?

Speaker 2 That's incredible since you look like the guy from Platoon.

Speaker 2 No, not Platoon. Fucking.
God damn it.

Speaker 31 Did he write that?

Speaker 2 Oh, you son of a bitch.

Speaker 2 It's the fucking wrong movie. The fucking wrong movie.

Speaker 2 Some time we slip off. What's the fucking movie I'm trying to think of? Full metal jacket.
Full metal jacket. Full metal.

Speaker 2 Full metal jacket. Not fucking platoon.

Speaker 2 Son of a bitch. Did he say he liked porn? That's why he got out of it.
I have no idea. Red Bam.

Speaker 1 And it becomes a crossing guard?

Speaker 22 He wasn't like war, Red Band.

Speaker 2 Yes, there you go. Thank you, you, Redban.

Speaker 2 So, Dusty,

Speaker 2 I'm going to get you out of here super soon.

Speaker 2 You gave up on all that. You don't like war, but you do like being a crossing guard?

Speaker 32 Well, I'm just doing minimal stuff to get on here, you know.

Speaker 2 To get on here? I thought I would kill, bro.

Speaker 2 Oh,

Speaker 2 boy.

Speaker 2 All right, Dusty. Well.

Speaker 2 When you say minimal stuff, that means you're doing something other than being a crossing guard?

Speaker 32 Yeah, I'm doing minimal like superintendent stuff around this like B cave place on Renton.

Speaker 2 Do you have any jokes that aren't about the way you look or me?

Speaker 2 Year and five months. I want to hear one joke.
I'm going to give you a shot to do one quick joke. It's kind of long, but everybody.
Forget it. There's a new Titanic coming out.
It's not too good.

Speaker 2 Forget it.

Speaker 32 I'll keep it 30. The Titanic is coming out soon, you know?

Speaker 2 The what?

Speaker 32 Yeah, the Titanic is being rebuilt, and it's better to stay off for launch.

Speaker 32 And everybody's too focused on the worst day, the big tragedy, but no one focuses on the greatest day of shark life ever, bro.

Speaker 2 Like, okay, here's a little joke book, Dusty.

Speaker 2 Wow, amazing, even unfunny, all the way to the absolute last breath. There you go, put the mic in the mic stand, Dusty.
There he goes, Dusty Keith. I mean, how hard can you bomb? That is incredible.

Speaker 2 No bueno.

Speaker 2 Juanita's about to eat him alive.

Speaker 2 Alright, let's get a little palette cleanser in here. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, not a regular, not a golden ticket winner.

Speaker 2 Just a fucking character that I like to throw in the mix every once in a while. Some people love him.
Some people hate him. One of the most polarizing figures in the history of the show.

Speaker 2 But

Speaker 2 as of last time he was on the show, we're watching him get better and better. According to that, we'll see how it goes tonight.
Make some fucking noise for the one and only the return of Uncle Lazer.

Speaker 2 We did it!

Speaker 2 Tony Hinchcliffe did it!

Speaker 2 He got Trump elected.

Speaker 20 Boy, went all the way down to Namaskin Square Garden. Okay.

Speaker 15 Talked about at the Republican Party.

Speaker 21 Talked about the Puerto Ricans.

Speaker 15 Came back with a, what they call a tiny joke book. That was crazy.
When I went up there and get a tiny joke book, listen.

Speaker 21 I didn't know there was 500,000 Puerto Ricans in Pennsylvania.

Speaker 21 I didn't know there was 500,000 Puerto Ricos in Puerto Rico, okay?

Speaker 21 Island of trash, remember?

Speaker 21 And I didn't watch the election. I was worried.
It got a little hairy there for a minute, Tony, didn't it? I mean, my God.

Speaker 21 Only way I knew it was over, I saw Denhinchcliffe crawl out of Rogan's garage.

Speaker 15 He saw this shadow that meant four more years of Trump, you know what I'm talking about.

Speaker 42 Now listen here.

Speaker 15 One man's trash is another man's treasure.

Speaker 21 And I dated me a Puerto Rican there.

Speaker 21 And let me tell y'all something.

Speaker 21 UTI in Spanish is the same in English, okay?

Speaker 15 She told me she had two pussies.

Speaker 21 Well, that second one smelled like shit.

Speaker 2 All right, Uncle Laser trying

Speaker 2 being able to do what Dusty Keith could not.

Speaker 15 I feel like if you're going to do it, do it clever.

Speaker 21 Come at him in a.

Speaker 2 I dated a Puerto Rican.

Speaker 2 You said nothing I haven't seen in my Twitter mentions over the past two weeks.

Speaker 2 Adorable. Adorable.

Speaker 21 21. We're safe, though.

Speaker 2 Yeah. Yeah, we are.
How are you, Uncle Laser? How's it going, bud?

Speaker 2 Oh, it's all hitting him at once right now.

Speaker 2 It's all hitting him at once. He should have done the other minute.
He should have done the other minute that he had planned.

Speaker 21 I mean, look, we had to go out to Puerto Rico. No one talked about it.
I was like, we got to come out. Somebody got to be the heel here.
Can I get a sip of beer, dude?

Speaker 2 Thank you. No, don't.
Laser.

Speaker 21 Actually, I'm sober, dude.

Speaker 2 You're what? Sober. Okay.
No one believes you.

Speaker 2 Tell us about you. This is two comedians in a row talking about me.

Speaker 2 I love you. You're good.
How are you, Uncle Lee? I'm good.

Speaker 21 Listen, I did this.

Speaker 2 My hair.

Speaker 21 Well, I went to the Halloween party there in L.A.

Speaker 2 Where?

Speaker 16 It was in L.A., Beverly Hills.

Speaker 21 Okay. I went to this little OnlyFans Halloween.
It was $10,000 first place.

Speaker 21 for Halloween costume, you know, if you got the best costume. It turns out, put a little eyeliner on bleach that hair not that far from joe exotic okay so

Speaker 21 so i went after it right and i'm like i'm gonna get first place for sure but when i got there it's like only fans party and uh this couple was dressed up like uh avatar people they're in the blue and you know i like to connect with their tails you know in the movie this took a sealis because he was inside of her the entire party walking around and i and they put us on stage i'm got like second place and then the guy that threw the party with the pillow talk guy he he came out, and he's dressed like Gene Walter from Willy Wonka, and he got a couple midgets with him.

Speaker 21 They're dressed like Oompa Loopas.

Speaker 36 I said, this is cool, you know, and

Speaker 21 they can sing out, you know, they come out singing a song.

Speaker 2 Make the story a little longer. Keep going.

Speaker 21 Anyways, a platform came up, I know, where 14 butt-ass naked women come out of this platform. They start fucking and blowing these midgets.

Speaker 15 And I can show you the video.

Speaker 14 I'm not even lying.

Speaker 21 And I'm like,

Speaker 21 have I taken too many drugs or not enough?

Speaker 15 You know, because it wasn't just a song.

Speaker 21 It was an hour and 45 minutes. And I got third place.
And now I look like this.

Speaker 2 Sober.

Speaker 2 Too many drugs are not enough, but yet he's completely sober.

Speaker 2 You don't even realize you confess your sins. What's that on your arm? What do you got there on your elbow?

Speaker 21 I got the tennis elbow.

Speaker 36 Really?

Speaker 21 And which is retarded because I don't even like tennis. You know what I'm saying?

Speaker 21 Nah, I watched a goddamn Jake Paul and Mike Tyson fight, and

Speaker 21 I bet my life savings on Mike Tyson, you know,

Speaker 21 punched the fucking TV because he didn't even show up.

Speaker 2 And

Speaker 21 listen, I'm going to advocate for something, Tony, real quick, if you don't mind.

Speaker 2 No, hold on, hold on.

Speaker 21 Listen, I know he likes fighting them old men, okay? And that's fine if you're into that. I'm into old women, not a big deal.

Speaker 21 But we need a good old American boy that ain't going to throw a fight for no $20,000 purse. I get it, too.

Speaker 21 I'd have looked like half an iron mic if they're gonna give me $20 million, but I need somebody that's not swayed by money, okay? I need some good, hard-blooded American young man. To do what?

Speaker 16 To fight Jake Paul?

Speaker 21 To fuck Jake Paul.

Speaker 21 No, to fight Jake Paul. So I brought a friend of mine out.
If you don't mind, he's gonna call him out on the national TV right here. Okay.

Speaker 2 You have a friend.

Speaker 15 I got a friend. Now, he just retired, but he got a full head of hair now.
And Jake Paul said he wanted to get an MMA. Well, why fight Conor McGregor at 34?

Speaker 42 Why not fight Cowboy Donald Cerrone at 42-year debate?

Speaker 11 Oh, shit.

Speaker 2 UFC legend, future UFC Hall of Famer, Cowboy Cerroni, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 One of the all-time greats.

Speaker 2 48 fights under his belt. UFC fucking legend, Cowboy Cerrone.
Welcome, cowboy.

Speaker 24 Thank you, Austin. I appreciate it.

Speaker 2 Fuck yeah.

Speaker 2 Is this true what I'm hearing? Are you calling out Jake Paul right now?

Speaker 24 I mean, if the guy wants to come to MMA, I'll gladly whip his fucking ass. But I got...

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 24 I am coming out of retirement. I have two more fights in our contract.
So I want 50 UFC fights. That's the number.

Speaker 24 So I have two before july to get done and i'm gonna go out and give it hell and if jake wants to jump in line for the ass whipping train he can jump on and give me all the money that's out fuck yeah you heard it here

Speaker 2 goddamn cowboy cerrone here in the capital of texas the baddest cowboy of them all

Speaker 2 we're happy to have you here mr ceroni uh

Speaker 2 An absolute pleasure, and I'm looking forward to Jake Paul's response here. I know he's definitely not going to want to go UFC against you.
Would you be willing to go boxing with him?

Speaker 23 No, I'm fucking terrible at boxing.

Speaker 24 I have no head movement.

Speaker 20 I need to take him down and with Monday.

Speaker 2 I saw the McGregor fight. I know.
You don't have to

Speaker 2 goddamn it. God damn it.
Well, cowboy, it is such an honor. We've had some of the greatest UFC fighters ever do cameos and pop in on the show, and it's an honor to add you to the list.

Speaker 2 Fuck you, Jake Paul.

Speaker 11 Fuck you, Jake Paul.

Speaker 2 Make some noise for Cowboy Cerrone and Uncle Laser everybody.

Speaker 2 Come on Cowboy Cerrone.

Speaker 2 Fucking legend. You gotta pee? Go pee.
It's okay.

Speaker 2 Sean Gardini about to pee his little pansies.

Speaker 2 I try to tell these guys, go pee before the show.

Speaker 2 You have to pee?

Speaker 2 You're doing good.

Speaker 2 All right, your next comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted, right out of the bucket. We're going to meet him together.
Make some noise for Edgar R.

Speaker 2 Edgar R.

Speaker 44 So I've been sober for about a year.

Speaker 44 Thank you.

Speaker 44 I don't really have much going on with my life, so getting off drugs is probably the best thing I've ever done so far.

Speaker 44 But

Speaker 44 I don't know if you could tell, but I used to smoke meth.

Speaker 44 And

Speaker 44 don't knock it before you try it.

Speaker 44 Because once you try it, you can't knock it.

Speaker 44 Yeah, I smoked way too much meth. But

Speaker 44 yeah, I was just really hanging out with the wrong crowd. You know, just I was always at the trap house.
And just if you can imagine it, it's

Speaker 44 you know, a dark, smoky room, not unlike this one. And as you pan from left to right, you see

Speaker 44 drug dealers, gangsters, homeless people. And then there's me in the corner with an acoustic guitar, a smile on my face, asking if anyone has any song requests.

Speaker 44 Did not fit in. But

Speaker 44 yeah, thanks to that.

Speaker 44 I met my girlfriend online through it.

Speaker 44 It was one of those apps. It wasn't Bumble.
It wasn't Tinder. It was.

Speaker 2 Oh, Oh, yeah. It was

Speaker 44 an NA Zoom meeting for

Speaker 44 ex-educts.

Speaker 2 I heard that.

Speaker 2 All right. Edgar R.

Speaker 2 Hello, Edgar.

Speaker 44 Hi.

Speaker 2 Hi. Hello.
How's it going?

Speaker 20 Pretty good.

Speaker 2 So you did math?

Speaker 44 Yes, I did. A lot of it.

Speaker 2 Okay. How long did you do it for? How old are you? 33.
You're 33. How long were you on meth for?

Speaker 44 Like seven years.

Speaker 2 Wow, seven years.

Speaker 2 Breaking brown. What ethnicity are you?

Speaker 44 I'm a Salvadorian.

Speaker 2 El Salvadorian.

Speaker 2 Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Speaker 2 Is that a thing with the El Salvadorians? Oh, yeah. They love math.
Oh, yeah. You said it.

Speaker 44 Yes. Yes, sir.
I'm the poster child.

Speaker 2 Wasn't me. I don't fuck with these islands anymore.
Is it an island?

Speaker 2 No. Perfect.

Speaker 2 I got myself on that one. So seven years, how does it start?

Speaker 2 How does a sweet little Edgar like you end up starting crystal meth?

Speaker 44 You just hang around the right dive bar in San Fernando Valley. You know,

Speaker 44 just they'll offer it to you over the bar.

Speaker 2 Okay. Yeah.

Speaker 2 So you were just at the

Speaker 2 wrong bar.

Speaker 44 The wrong bar.

Speaker 2 I'm sorry.

Speaker 21 I was talking about his outfit.

Speaker 2 Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 Let's talk about it.

Speaker 26 It looks like you just woke up in a lost and found box.

Speaker 2 It is incredible. You're dressed for the cold

Speaker 2 and cold. It's every season.
It really is.

Speaker 2 This is absolutely incredible. Do you wear hats like that a lot, Edgar?

Speaker 44 Mostly for work and for fun.

Speaker 2 Okay, mostly for fun. I could see that.
I could see that. You look like a sweet little labradoodle right now.

Speaker 2 The old El Salvadorian labradoodle. Yes, sir.

Speaker 2 What do you do for work?

Speaker 44 I'm a material handler for Tesla.

Speaker 2 You work at Tesla? Yeah. Look at that.
Wow. Do you think you still work for Tesla? No.

Speaker 44 Probably not after this.

Speaker 2 It's okay.

Speaker 44 Well, next week. I got one more week.

Speaker 2 You'll be fine. Elon Musk doesn't like laying anybody off.

Speaker 2 The good news is it's a short rocket trip back to El Salvador.

Speaker 2 So, Edgar, you said you wear the hat for fun. What do you like to do for fun?

Speaker 44 It used to be drugs. Now it's...

Speaker 44 I play music and I try to do stand-up as much as I can.

Speaker 2 How long have you been playing music for?

Speaker 44 Like, longer than the meth.

Speaker 44 Wow.

Speaker 2 What do you do musically?

Speaker 44 I play guitar, bass, drums, and piano.

Speaker 44 I shouldn't have said that.

Speaker 2 Which one do you do the best?

Speaker 44 What was that?

Speaker 2 What do you think you do the best?

Speaker 32 Guitar and drums.

Speaker 2 Okay,

Speaker 2 let's do guitar. Let's get that guitar up here.
We have a special guitar. We're going to see if Edgar can play.
Wow, this was fast this time. Great job.

Speaker 2 How about a hand for our amazing production team here?

Speaker 2 Yoni, Christy, Colt, Monica,

Speaker 2 everybody.

Speaker 2 Jesus, Josh, Aya, Heidi. Okay, you ready?

Speaker 2 Let's try to let him go on his own a little bit and then you guys join in whenever, but like, give him a little bit. I want to see if this guy sinks or swims over here.
My guess is he swims. Oh, yeah.

Speaker 2 You better sing too, motherfucker. You gotta sing.

Speaker 2 What's going on?

Speaker 2 All right.

Speaker 2 Hold on. Do you have anything? Hold on, hold on, hold on.
There's hold on one second. YouTube does a thing where they flag everything and they literally

Speaker 2 all the money from this episode is going to go to Sublime if you continue to do what you're doing. Do you have anything kind of original? Can you do something? Do you do anything that isn't covers?

Speaker 44 Yeah, I got some originals.

Speaker 34 I don't know if they're covering. Well, here we go.

Speaker 2 One, two, one, two.

Speaker 2 La la la la la la bamba. All right, I'm kidding.

Speaker 33 I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 I'm kidding.

Speaker 11 Wait for the sign.

Speaker 11 But are you not giving up?

Speaker 11 Well, I give up

Speaker 2 Cause I'm getting

Speaker 2 it signals.

Speaker 2 Cause I'm on my door, boy.

Speaker 2 Well, I'm not for sure.

Speaker 2 Cause I don't care

Speaker 2 Anyway

Speaker 2 You can go ever

Speaker 2 All right, all right, I'm gonna stop you there that was that was good, that was good, that was good

Speaker 2 John, that's enough, that's enough, you're killing it, John I liked liked his song better than the Sublime cover. Yeah, no, I know.
That's true.

Speaker 2 Matt Muelling, who only speaks once every four episodes, just made a really good point that your original was better than the Sublime cover. Thank you.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 There's the lovely Heidi to take your guitar away. Thank you, Heidi.

Speaker 44 Thank you, Ben.

Speaker 2 Don't look at Heidi's ass like that, Edgar. Jesus Christ, you could have watched it on YouTube.
You had to look like that, live, just like that. Boy, you really are into instant gratification.

Speaker 2 What are you a former meth head?

Speaker 44 No, still current.

Speaker 2 I love it. It never goes away.
I love it. Do you still get the urge to do meth sometimes that

Speaker 44 no, I get more of an urge to sign up for Kiltoni.

Speaker 2 How often do you sign up for Kill Tony?

Speaker 44 Every week.

Speaker 2 How long have you been doing that?

Speaker 44 Since I moved to Texas in February, like I miss some days'cause I work

Speaker 2 Monday. Well, we don't do it on Sundays, so that's perfect that you miss Sundays.
Yeah.

Speaker 2 What What do you mean?

Speaker 44 No, I just meant like

Speaker 44 I work a really intense schedule, so being here, I'm losing sleep.

Speaker 2 Right.

Speaker 2 Well, that's amazing. So did you have fun? Was it worth it?

Speaker 44 Well, this is, yeah, this is, it finally paid off. But I mean, it's not just for this one.
Thank you. Yeah.
But.

Speaker 2 Who do you think that is that Chris is drawing over there in the corner exactly?

Speaker 2 Do you want to take a guess?

Speaker 17 Is it that gay guy who's always showing up?

Speaker 2 That is the correct answer. It's the gay guy that's always showing up.

Speaker 14 Stop it.

Speaker 2 Is it him?

Speaker 2 Look at that. He took a little bit off your cheek because you completely.
He looked like me now. He did.
He added some green. He tried to take some of that cheek away.

Speaker 2 Now you look like you have Bell's palsy. It's just like a droopy.

Speaker 2 That's red band. If he would have just kept getting vaccinated, it was a couple.
You were a couple vaxes away from that, red band.

Speaker 2 Look at that. Oh, God.
I'd love it if your cheek drooped like that.

Speaker 2 I love it.

Speaker 2 Edgar, before we let you go, craziest thing we would be shocked to know about you other than the meth thing.

Speaker 2 You ever have anything crazy happen? You ever almost die, save somebody's life, anything crazy?

Speaker 44 Yeah,

Speaker 44 a lot of stuff. But

Speaker 44 yeah, I got my car. I had a car rental when I was on meth, and I got jacked by some gangsters, and some other gangsters got my back, and we went at gunpoint to go get my car back.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 2 God damn.

Speaker 2 God damn, Edgar. You have a wild life, my friend.

Speaker 2 Well, we are going to start you off with a little joke book. Keep signing up.
Write a new minute and let's see what happens. Make some noise for Edgar, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 All right, we're getting there. We're almost to the finish line.

Speaker 2 This looks like a fun name. I don't believe this person's been on before.
60 seconds uninterrupted to what I do believe will be your final bucket pull of the show.

Speaker 2 Make some noise for Dela Stoner, everybody. De la stoner.

Speaker 34 Yo, what's going on, everybody? Name's Dela Stoner.

Speaker 34 I recently stopped smoking blunts. I decided to start smoking joints now.

Speaker 34 But it's weird though, whenever I hang out with some friends,

Speaker 34 they'll pass me a blunt and I'll grab it and I'll look at it. But like in my head, I don't want to smoke it.
So I just pass it back to them.

Speaker 34 And so in my head, I'm thinking,

Speaker 34 do they think I'm racist?

Speaker 34 And it really doesn't help that my black friend is the one that's passing me the blunt. And I was like, damn, I think he may think I'm racist.

Speaker 34 The first time I told my mom that I smoked weed,

Speaker 34 I thought she was going to be really happy about it.

Speaker 34 And

Speaker 2 it wasn't.

Speaker 34 She started crying, and she told me, I wish you would have told me you were gay instead.

Speaker 2 I was like, wow.

Speaker 34 And then I had my aunt next to me, and she said, fuck yeah, Miko, I'm proud of you. Thank you, guys.
My time.

Speaker 2 Dayla Stoner. You must have been high as shit when you wrote that material.

Speaker 34 Yeah, I was high on some cheesecake when I wrote that one.

Speaker 2 That's the type of marijuana where you were literally eating cheesecake. It could be either one.
What is that on your hat? The world wants to know. Is that a weed grinder?

Speaker 34 No, this is an empty dab bucket for anybody that smokes dabs.

Speaker 2 Wow. You are a true stoner.
And that is a joint behind your ear.

Speaker 34 This is a joint, yep. It's a real hemp on the tip as well.

Speaker 2 Amazing. And what is that inside of your necklace then?

Speaker 34 This is fake dabs, so just

Speaker 2 decorations. So, this is your entire identity.
Your name is Dayla Stoner. Your minute was all about smoking weed.
You're covered in paraphernalia.

Speaker 2 I mean, this is incredible.

Speaker 26 He's like a joint that fell on a barbershop floor.

Speaker 2 What are you doing, Deez? What the fuck are you doing?

Speaker 19 The joints attached to the head.

Speaker 2 I got the real one in the bag. Oh, cool.

Speaker 2 Don't.

Speaker 2 And then you can't smoke his hat, Dee.

Speaker 2 So dare I ask what you do for work?

Speaker 34 I recently just quit my job this summer.

Speaker 2 What was the job that you quit? I worked for Kohl's call center.

Speaker 34 Do customer service.

Speaker 2 Kohl's the store? Yeah, K-O-H-L-S?

Speaker 34 Yeah, if you're calling for customer service, you were getting this guy hype.

Speaker 2 Holy shit.

Speaker 2 Holy shit.

Speaker 2 Just a bunch of moms like, I bought the wrong pant size for my husband's pants. Do you have different pants? You have no idea.
And you're like, fucking, listen, bitch.

Speaker 2 I don't know what the fuck you want me to do. Yeah.
I used to put people on hold just to hit the bong real quick and then go back to take a look. Would you do that? You did it from home?

Speaker 2 Or did you, you, you would be, you worked at a Kohl's call center. Yeah, after COVID, we went home.

Speaker 34 Right.

Speaker 2 I was smoking really hard. So you quit that job.
Did you save up some money?

Speaker 34 Uh, no, because I did content. All right, I do content.

Speaker 2 What kind of content?

Speaker 34 Stoner content, comedy content.

Speaker 2 On what?

Speaker 34 TikTok, Instagram, Facebook.

Speaker 2 You make money from that?

Speaker 34 I make money from doing promos for like dispensaries and stuff.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 So you survive off that? You still live with your family? Oh, hell no. No, you live by yourself.

Speaker 34 I live with my girlfriend.

Speaker 2 Okay, what does she do?

Speaker 34 She works in collections in a call center.

Speaker 2 Okay. She also works in a call center.
Yeah. Is she a big stoner as well?

Speaker 2 Yes. Right.
She's going to hate that I said that.

Speaker 2 Why?

Speaker 2 I mean, it would be crazy if she was sober. Yeah, right.
And fucking you, covered in paraphernalia.

Speaker 34 I would save so much weed.

Speaker 2 Yeah, it seems like it. Is it true that you don't smoke blunts anymore, or was that just all to be get to that racist joke?

Speaker 34 No, I actually really did stop smoking blunts back in February.

Speaker 2 By racist joke, I mean joke about him being a racist, not that it was a racist joke. There's no such thing as a racist joke.

Speaker 2 Just there's racial jokes, but by rule, if it's a joke, it can't possibly be racist. Just a little something.

Speaker 2 Just a little something to remember. Unless it ends in the N-word.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 Dayla Stoner. So,

Speaker 2 I mean, geez, what would we be surprised to know about you? Is there any time you don't smoke weed?

Speaker 2 Is there times where like you forgot to smoke weed

Speaker 34 I don't really smoke in the morning because I'll eat like a 500 milligram the night before so I wake up still high

Speaker 2 is that true are you exaggerating no yeah 500 milligram edible you'll eat before bed yeah and I'll just like have you just piss and shit all over yourself like what happens

Speaker 34 I can't even fucking imagine what the fuck it's a lot of fun it's one of my favorite things to do when I'm not doing like content or comedy just to get really highlighted.

Speaker 2 Say hunting?

Speaker 34 Comedy or content?

Speaker 2 Oh, comedy or content. Yep.
Okay, so a 500 milligram edible. So

Speaker 2 if you do that, you don't have to smoke in the morning because you're still high from the night before. So when do you typically have your first smoke of the day?

Speaker 2 Right before I go to go get my girlfriend lunch. You get your girlfriend lunch every day?

Speaker 34 Since I'm not working, I just sleep and wake up high and I'm like, cool, I'll take a shower, still stoned. And then whenever

Speaker 2 she's in a shower, that's incredible. That's actually shocking.

Speaker 34 I'm a clean stoner sometimes.

Speaker 2 That is amazing. That is amazing.
So again,

Speaker 2 has there ever been a time where you didn't smoke weed?

Speaker 24 Yeah, before I was like 21.

Speaker 2 What happens, do you think? What would happen? Let's just say you didn't do an edible tonight. What would happen if you went tomorrow and just didn't smoke anything?

Speaker 2 What do you think you would think about? How do you think your day would be different?

Speaker 34 Oh, I would definitely think about weed for sure if i wasn't gonna smoke

Speaker 34 uh i wouldn't go nowhere because all my friends smoke weed and so i'm just like well you know what my girlfriend smokes too so i would just probably just chill in the car

Speaker 2 all day

Speaker 2 you just go to your car and sit in it chill yeah because i'll be tempted to smoke that would make you that anybody would want to smoke weed if they're just sitting in a car

Speaker 2 that's probably the worst thing you could do yeah that's true i probably end up smoking yeah that's true there's nothing you could do to not smoke weed.

Speaker 29 Red Ban. How much a day do you spend on weed, would you say?

Speaker 34 Well, since I do content, not as much anymore because they kind of just like give it to me.

Speaker 1 Have you ever taken just like two or three days off to reset so you can spend like five bucks a day?

Speaker 2 No, not at all. Okay.

Speaker 2 What?

Speaker 29 Like I know so many people that smoke every day like hey I'm like go crazy all day.

Speaker 2 If you just take a couple days off you reset your tolerance and then you could smoke one joint and be high as fuck. Like I always wonder why people don't.

Speaker 2 Have you ever thought about doing that with food?

Speaker 2 God damn.

Speaker 2 Let's check in with the picture of Brian Redband over there. Oh, your eye got bigger.
Your right eye is now bigger. It's drooping.
It's changing.

Speaker 2 This is going to be the most famous piece of art in Kill Tony history, by the way. I think we're going to be.
We're going to do.

Speaker 2 Let's do a live auction after this.

Speaker 29 Taking dick off for it, Dave.

Speaker 2 No sound effect for you after that one.

Speaker 2 Dayla Stoner, I implore you. You got to fucking...
I want to hear jokes about things other than just weed. Like, it's cool and all, but you got to have some versatility.
You know what I mean?

Speaker 2 Like, you got to have some range and stuff. So definitely work on that herd.

Speaker 34 Thank you.

Speaker 2 Do not.

Speaker 2 Use this as rolling papers. There's a little joke book.
Makes noise for Dayla Stoner, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 2 Alright.

Speaker 2 This is it. This is the part of the show that I mean, this is it.
This has been a full episode. We've done it.
We've ran it.

Speaker 2 This is the part where I see the audience looking around, tapping their loved ones, making eye contact, because this is... the only way to possibly end an episode like this.

Speaker 2 It is with the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews on this show. The man has done it all.

Speaker 2 Every single week, writing and performing a new minute for over, long over half a decade. You know his parents.
You know his brothers. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Virginia ham,

Speaker 2 the Delaware donkey,

Speaker 2 the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla. This is the big red machine, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Speaker 26 I watched the Jake Paul-Mike Tyson fight this past weekend.

Speaker 14 And say what you will about Jake Paul, but the guy works hard.

Speaker 16 I mean, seriously, he already has another Netflix event scheduled for May, but this time it's a one-on-one basketball.

Speaker 26 First of 20 wins 10 million, and his opponent is none other than Kobe Bryant.

Speaker 25 This is my impression of an alien outing themselves. Shit, fuck.

Speaker 18 Let me do that one more time. Let me start that one more time.

Speaker 25 This is my impression of an alien outing themselves as an alien.

Speaker 14 Doctor, I have a hairache.

Speaker 2 Okay, I heard,

Speaker 26 you know, like a person would say headache maybe, but an alien wouldn't know exactly what to say.

Speaker 14 I heard,

Speaker 25 I heard Santa might come early this year.

Speaker 26 The bad news, Boeing built his sleigh.

Speaker 20 Okay, that's my time. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Fantastic. So silly.
So William Montgomery. Right down the barrel.
Boeing might build his sleigh. St.
Nicholas Wicks, just,

Speaker 2 you know, you have grown into quite the specialist. Topical, evergreen.
These jokes, some of them will work forever.

Speaker 16 Was that a little chimpanzee?

Speaker 2 And like, it's Tony. It sounded like that lady was against you.

Speaker 2 It sounded like there's a lady over there that doesn't like you. Lady, show yourself.
Oh, no. Who was that? Who laughed like that? Raise your hand.

Speaker 2 We have a little coward out there, William.

Speaker 16 Yeah, we got a little fucking bitch out there.

Speaker 2 Yeah, bitch. I mean, seriously.

Speaker 26 What do you think? It's fucking easy yet, Tony.

Speaker 13 It's it's my six-year anniversary is in a couple of weeks.

Speaker 2 It's in December. Being on the show.
So yeah, bitch, that's every fucking week almost for six fucking years. Yeah.

Speaker 42 You probably have never done anything in your life for six years, bitch.

Speaker 2 That is the basic equivalent, basically, of six one-hour specials.

Speaker 2 I mean, if you count the interview, which usually runs probably about six to eight minutes, I mean, one could almost say say that that's fucking like basic. What's your take on that, Red Band?

Speaker 2 Do you agree? One-hour specials. What do you think, Red Band?

Speaker 29 I think you write more comedy than any comedian in the world.

Speaker 16 No, yeah!

Speaker 2 I think.

Speaker 20 Sometimes it's a disaster.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you noticed.

Speaker 2 I don't know if you noticed. He said he thinks you've read comedy more than anybody in the world, meaning that you look off a note card.

Speaker 2 You didn't say red? No. Oh.

Speaker 2 Good monitors and audio issues up here.

Speaker 36 Because, yeah, we actually ate dinner together last night, so I would be very offended if you tried to come in my dress.

Speaker 2 Did you get fucking ass right now? I bought dessert for you guys. Did you know that?

Speaker 35 Did he tell you that?

Speaker 26 Yes. Oh, my gosh.
It was a wonderful bananas foster.

Speaker 2 And they lit it on fire in front of us. Yeah, it was great.
Great people over there let me know that you guys were there. I said, let me buy them dessert.
So literally the least I could do.

Speaker 2 Well, Red Band told me. There was a moment there where

Speaker 2 I'm like, maybe I should pick up the whole tab for these guys. But they said that there was another couple couple there, and I don't know if they're fucking haters or not.

Speaker 2 And then I found out, yeah, it's two of my other best friends. And I wish that I would have.
But I didn't want any fucking. I don't know if you guys are hanging out with fucking libtards over there.

Speaker 2 I know you guys are a little bit.

Speaker 25 Tony, you got to come with us next time. Would you?

Speaker 31 Are you inviting me? Are you with us next time?

Speaker 2 Are you inviting me today?

Speaker 16 Yes, I'd love to.

Speaker 2 Are you invited to do it? You really want to. It's been a little while.

Speaker 20 We need to.

Speaker 2 How many of you think I should have dinner with these guys next time?

Speaker 2 Seriously?

Speaker 15 I freaking invite his ass to church every fucking Sunday.

Speaker 42 He doesn't come to church with me on Sunday.

Speaker 2 What do you do at church exactly?

Speaker 20 Hallelujah.

Speaker 2 A bunch of that.

Speaker 14 Such a hallelujah.

Speaker 36 Yeah, I grew up in a Pentecostal, an episode, Pentecostal church.

Speaker 26 I grew up with speaking in tongues.

Speaker 2 Can you give us an example of the tongues that you speak in?

Speaker 2 keep going keep going

Speaker 2 a la poo uh uh

Speaker 36 no i don't feel it right now okay you don't feel i feel in a good mood but i don't feel it right now because i've been in a kind of a crummy mood recently tell us more about this crummy mood you've been oh well i think it does start is that what is funny sir

Speaker 26 Like it's not fun feeling down. Do you ever feel down?

Speaker 2 Every day. Seriously? Yes.

Speaker 36 Is it because you're gay?

Speaker 42 No, I'm kidding.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 13 I just like drag shows, and you look like somebody before they dress into the woman.

Speaker 16 Like you look like.

Speaker 16 Because I can tell you'd be a good-looking woman if you did dress up in drag.

Speaker 25 I can tell you'd probably be a hot woman.

Speaker 2 You're right.

Speaker 26 So that was actually a compliment.

Speaker 2 It really was. Okay.

Speaker 16 I got a compliment for you.

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 16 I got a compliment for you. Okay.

Speaker 2 How tall are you

Speaker 36 I don't know six foot six foot yeah

Speaker 8 I wish I was six feet

Speaker 8 and every inch of me looked like like like

Speaker 8 the hue of a pig's asshole

Speaker 11 hold on

Speaker 11 hold on

Speaker 2 Just another arrow.

Speaker 13 I thought we were done.

Speaker 13 I thought we were done. I was smiling at you.

Speaker 2 It's fucking a random shot.

Speaker 15 I don't know why you took a shot at me.

Speaker 20 Everything's fine.

Speaker 18 I just said. Why took a shot at you?

Speaker 36 Because, Tony, why I haven't been feeling about, well, you would be proud of me if you understood Call of Duty. And I know you don't, and that's smart that you don't.

Speaker 36 But Tony, I've almost have diamond camouflage on 15 of my weapons right now.

Speaker 2 Wow, that's amazing, really.

Speaker 2 Diamond camouflage, 15 weapons.

Speaker 26 It's kind of a big deal.

Speaker 20 I've been playing so much.

Speaker 2 How close are you to diamond camouflage?

Speaker 2 Huh?

Speaker 2 You almost have it? Is that what you said?

Speaker 36 I have it on 15 of my weapons right now, so it's kind of a...

Speaker 2 Oh, I don't understand anything that you're saying. It's a big deal.
Have you beaten the game yet?

Speaker 15 No, it's like there's no beating a game.

Speaker 2 There's no end to the game.

Speaker 36 Yeah, you just play online and you, yeah, you can play forever.

Speaker 2 Wow. So the war just goes on forever.
What is this? The Biden administration?

Speaker 2 Oh, I'm sorry. I can hear your complaints already.
Oh, he's political now. Trump said he doesn't even know him.
Yeah, he had to say that, didn't he? Didn't he have to say that? Oh, we won.

Speaker 2 Anyway,

Speaker 2 no big deal.

Speaker 2 Are we good with that thing, Christy? Okay, ladies and gentlemen, William, I want you to stay up here because I want you to do something we've never done before in the show's history.

Speaker 2 Because, you know, sometimes, I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes we do this show every week. Sometimes I don't even, I forget to shout out Chris.
Sometimes I don't even notice he's painting.

Speaker 2 There's so much going on. But tonight has been a special night, hasn't it, Red Band?

Speaker 2 It's been a real special night. And William, for the first time ever, you know, this show is wild.
It's very improvised. I want you to be an auctioneer for the first time ever.
Chris, come out here.

Speaker 2 Chris Rogers, local artist.

Speaker 2 Wow, look at this wildebeest.

Speaker 2 Wildebeest of a painting. Oh, Brian, you look beautiful.
It literally does look just like red band. I'm making jokes.

Speaker 2 There's no right way to paint a red band.

Speaker 2 It is a tough face. It changes a lot.
It's very round. Is that what you think that looks like?

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 2 Can we turn up house lights just a little bit? Can you give it that red tinge for my stand-up? There it is. All right, so here's here's what we're going to do.

Speaker 2 You actually have to have the money that you bid.

Speaker 2 You have to be honest about it. No lies.
And William, why don't you start it?

Speaker 16 The bidding it. Do I hear $50?

Speaker 14 $50.

Speaker 2 There's a lot of 50s.

Speaker 25 Do I hear 75? Do I hear 75? Do I hear 100?

Speaker 11 Do I hear 100?

Speaker 15 Do I hear 150? Again,

Speaker 2 again, you actually have to have the money. Do you 50?

Speaker 14 Do I hear 250?

Speaker 2 Keep going, William. If they say, 300, I have 300.
I think someone's bidding up on the balcony.

Speaker 25 300, 300, 300.

Speaker 31 350, 350, 350.

Speaker 2 Okay, keep going higher.

Speaker 15 400, 400, 400.

Speaker 2 Wow.

Speaker 15 400, 400.

Speaker 2 Keep going fucking William.

Speaker 15 450.

Speaker 31 450, 450.

Speaker 2 Welcome to the world's worst office. 450.
Wait for it. You have to keep going higher, William.

Speaker 2 450. 500.

Speaker 2 500. I'm going to help you.
500.

Speaker 2 500.

Speaker 2 There's somebody at the top. 500.

Speaker 45 550.

Speaker 2 Wait, is that Cowboy Cerroni? Bid 600.

Speaker 45 Holy shit. 600.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Is there anyone going to top?

Speaker 2 Who's going up against Cowboy Cerroni in here? 600.

Speaker 15 We got a 650.

Speaker 2 All the men just crawled into the fetal position. They just got alpha by a man in the tower over here.
Whoa, 650.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. We have a true fan.
This guy wants something to be able to hang on his bedroom wall so that when he's about to come too fast, he can glance at it.

Speaker 2 This picture of red band, nothing will stop you from coming, like thinking about this beautiful face of the man that I've worked with for almost

Speaker 2 18 years.

Speaker 2 Okay.

Speaker 14 650.

Speaker 2 Does anyone want to top 650?

Speaker 15 No way. Oh my God.

Speaker 2 Cowboy just said seven. Who said a thousand?

Speaker 2 You have a thousand?

Speaker 2 Jesus Josh just bet a thousand.

Speaker 45 A thousand.

Speaker 2 Oh my God. This is incredible.

Speaker 2 A thousand. Oh my God.
1,000. Are you going to compete with 1,000?

Speaker 2 Can't compete. Cowboy's out.

Speaker 2 It's not worth 1,000. Wait, there's somebody who's got it.

Speaker 20 1,000.

Speaker 2 1,100?

Speaker 2 1,100 right now

Speaker 42 1500 Jesus Christ says

Speaker 2 this is amazing by the way just to let you know Chris we're giving 20% of tonight's donations to the landfills in Puerto Rico just a heads up

Speaker 2 They have a serious landfill problem for over a decade. I'm one of the only people in the world that knew about it up until three weeks ago.
Thank you very much.

Speaker 2 1,500. Anybody want to top 1,500? You'll be a legend.
You'll get a shot. What?

Speaker 2 Oh my God. 2,000.

Speaker 2 Holy shit. Out of nowhere.
2,000 out of nowhere. Oh, my God.
What's your name, sir?

Speaker 2 Eli has bet 2,000.

Speaker 2 Oh, my God. Jesus Josh is out.
Okay. Jesus Josh is the guy that takes care of D madness.
I guess he's clearly been stealing money from D's wallet.

Speaker 2 Red Band's gonna sign. Are you sure you have 2,000? Eli, you're a hero.
Is there anything you want to give a shout out to or anything?

Speaker 2 Okay. A man of mystery.
Anybody going to beat 2,000? Going once, going twice.

Speaker 2 This is, I do believe, $200, no, $400

Speaker 2 going to Puerto Rican landfills. $2,000 total

Speaker 2 sold to the great Eli for $2,000

Speaker 2 Wow

Speaker 2 How about a hand for Chris Rogers red band being a great sport the legend killer William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen and we did it

Speaker 2 how about a ham for Tommy Pope Check out Stuff Island with his co-host Chris O'Connor. One more time for the great Sean Gardini

Speaker 2 He's on tour Cleveland Buffalo Baltimore, Tampa. SeanGardini.com.
These are the dogs. The drawing from Ryan J.
E. Belt is in.
This is what it looks like. Thank you to Zippix and ExpressVPN.

Speaker 2 Here's some amazing Zippix nicotine toothpicks. We want to thank you, Zippix.
This episode is indeed sponsored by Zippix. Who won some? These are great on airplanes and whatnot.

Speaker 2 They are an amazing sponsor.

Speaker 2 We absolutely love them. Shout out one more time for the great cowboy Cerroni challenging Jake Paul tonight.
Martin Phillips, Cam Patterson, William Montgomery.

Speaker 2 We did it again, everybody. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Our guests, the comedy mothership, business is booming.
Big announcements coming.

Speaker 2 Make sure you buckle up and get ready for the HEB Center. Two sold-out arenas.

Speaker 2 Two sold-out arenas at the end of the year. That stream is going up for sale.
If it's not already very soon, you could buy the weekend package. Little Christmas gift for those of you

Speaker 2 that love your husbands or boyfriends. Get them the two-night New Year's Eve package.
Red Man?

Speaker 15 Check out Jet's Pizza.

Speaker 1 It's way better than Papa John's. Thank you.

Speaker 2 Wow. Thank you, everybody.
We love you. Good night.
God bless Texas and God bless the United States of America. Thank you.

Speaker 43 Elite basketball returns to the Elite Caribbean destination. It's the 2025 Battle for Atlantis men's tournament happening November 26th to 28th.
Don't miss hometown team St.

Speaker 43 Mary's, along with Colorado State, Vanderbilt, Virginia Tech, Western Kentucky, South Florida, VCU, and Wichita State, playing 12 games over three days.

Speaker 43 It's basketball at its best, plus everything Atlantis has to offer: Aquaventure Water Park, White Sand beaches, world-class dining, and more.

Speaker 43 Get your tickets and accommodations at battleforatlantis.com.