#694 - SHAWN GARDINI + TOMMY POPE

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts.

If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to tonyhinchcliffe.com.

Everything golden pony, including his tour dates, at tonyhinchcliffe.com.

If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv.

And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get over Tony.

It's bad.

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Yi!

Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Hello.

We've been doing this a long time.

How about one more time for the best stamp band in the land, huh?

On horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo.

Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Matthew, the mortician, Muelling on the electric guitar.

John Dees on the keys.

And this right here is the beautiful Bold D Madness live in the flesh on the bass guitar.

This episode of Kill Tony is brought to you by Zipix and Express VPN.

A lot of fun in store for you.

Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

You guys can do better.

Are you guys ready for a great fucking night or what?

Every single episode, I have two of the funniest people in the world on this show this week.

No different.

This is both of these guests.

First time on the panel, which is very, very exciting.

You get to look in the crystal ball of the future of stand-up comedy.

These guys are part of the Philly Shane Gillis super crew.

Ladies and gentlemen?

Some of the newest residents to Austin, Texas, the new comedy capital of the world.

I present to you two of your new favorite comedians.

If you don't know them already, make some fucking noise for Sean Gardini and Tommy Pope, everybody.

Here we go.

Gardini, welcome.

Sit over there.

Tommy, over here.

Get over here, Tommy.

Hell yeah.

Make some more noise for our guests tonight.

Oh, yeah, baby.

Sean Gardini is on tour.

Cleveland, Buffalo, Baltimore, Tampa coming up.

SeanGardini.com for tickets.

That's S-H-A-W-N.

Sean, look at you, you adorable funny man.

How are you?

I'm here, baby.

I'm happy.

You are here.

We're going to have a lot of fun tonight.

We're going to watch some wacky comedians.

How about a hand for Tommy Pope is here?

Has the podcast Stuff Island with Chris O'Connor?

Another very, very funny man.

How you guys doing?

You excited to be here?

Fucking, this is delicious.

I've always seen you from afar, Tom.

This is very exciting.

It is very exciting.

This is exciting.

Up close.

I always wanted to have Joe Pesci on this show.

Fuck you, dude.

And

you're the closest I could get.

Yeah.

You like that?

You guys like that?

He asked me upstairs.

There's two Italians in this whole fucking city.

Me and the lead singer of the fucking band

and we're fed up

he asked me right before the show he goes how many arrows is this i go what he goes how many arrows i go what it's like hours

i'm like oh my god you were trying to say hours arrows how many arrows is the two arrows

two arrows we're all different

we're all fucking different Sean Gardini, a soft-spoken assassin.

Yeah, more of a strong, silent type, but I'm very happy to be here.

We're going to have fun tonight.

252 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show.

They are stockpiled at a bar across the street.

And if I pull their name out, one of our amazing producers goes and wrangles them from across the street.

They come over and pace nervously right behind that curtain for a few minutes until it is their time to come up on stage.

If when it is their time, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

which interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview and me and my esteemed panel find out more about them, make friends, make enemies.

Anything can happen.

Could be the future of comedy pulled out of the bucket.

Could be absolute mental illness at 1,000 miles an hour.

You guys have seen this show before.

Anything can happen.

And now it begins.

And we start tonight's show while we go wrangle that first comedian with one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show.

Truly, I mean, this guy, even though in the golden ticket range of comedians, really basically a regular, I put him up every single time he wants to go on stage, and every single time he does extremely great.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the return of one of our favorites in the history of the show.

Getting things started tonight, this is 60 seconds from the one and only Martin Phillips.

What's up?

My first

participation trophy was

my birth certificate.

Got way too much credit on that.

You know, women can go to the bathroom together.

That's normal.

But when guys do it, it's like, oh, we're going to do coke.

Okay.

It's never going to spend time together.

They borrowed my dollars, so I was a part of it.

Anyway,

any Nazis here?

I'm never sure.

After World War II, all the Nazis got charged with war crimes, and a lot of them killed themselves in jail.

And it's like, whoa,

way to make yourself look guilty.

What?

Legal environment.

You see, they got rid of all the

lawyers.

Martin Phillips

has done it again.

Way to get things started.

I was called a Nazi for two weeks

by

the joke.

I was

for a Tony.

Yeah.

I've never been called a Nazi before, and I wouldn't have guessed that my first times being called a Nazi were from every mainstream media outlet in the world,

globally known as a Nazi.

Me, with my super multicolored panel and love for absolute love for disabled people.

You know us Nazis.

We are wild.

Nazis 2024, a whole different thing.

We just hate ourselves.

I love it.

Martin, you did it again.

You are so fucking funny.

How's life been going?

It's all right.

It's cool.

It's cool.

Now, actually, you being a Nazi, you fucked up.

My life a little bit.

Tell me.

Tell me about it.

I want to know.

Tell me how I fucked up your life.

So, oh, uh-uh.

But before

the election, I went on this coffee date.

It was cool.

It was fine.

We're going to go on the second date after the election.

She's like, uh-uh, I don't want anyone in my life associated with kill Tony.

Thanks a fucking lot, Tony.

Thanks a fucking lot.

You say that.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

Wow.

You old me, you oldie.

No, I saved you, buddy.

I saved you.

You almost fell in love with a mentally ill girl there for a second.

For both to say, hold on, hell yeah.

We both lean to the right, that's for sure.

That's your favorite joke.

You do it every time.

Well, thanks a lot.

Thanks for letting everyone know that I've done that joke before, Martin.

That's always great for comedy, you piece piece of shit.

It's so good, it's worth doing multiple times.

You're not, you're not.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Put those hands back in those fucking pockets.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, Mike Tyson, look out.

Holy shit.

Yeah, that looks good.

Martin, fucking fantastic.

Everyone loves your style.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe that I cost you a second date with a crazy girl.

There was no other red flags?

She was nice.

No, she was nice.

Yeah.

She was out, holy.

She was out.

Yes, I didn't have any issues.

Was she normal and able-bodied?

Yeah.

Or were you guys both out there just doing the fucking wobbles?

A normal person.

Just fucking spilling coffee all over the fucking joint.

Well, it was cold coffee.

Cold coffee?

I'm guessing it was shaken.

Goodbye.

But I don't know.

She was cool out there.

I didn't see any issues.

But.

Yeah, she saw issues about me.

She doesn't want to be associated with anything.

Kill Tony.

Wow.

And I was like, I wasn't fucking there.

I wasn't there.

I wasn't fucking there.

Yeah, I wasn't.

Like, I wasn't.

Yeah.

So, I don't know.

Oh, jeez.

Oh, man.

Well, she's probably not going out with anybody.

She probably shaved her head and swore off sex for the next few years anyway.

So no matter what, you'd still be fucking rubbing that shit in your pocket right there.

Typhone.

Oh, it's your phone.

Okay, all right.

I thought it was your fat cock for a second.

What kind of dick do you have, Martin?

What are we working with here?

I've always wondered it.

Is it also a vibrator?

I guess if it's on me, I guess it's a volume right there.

No, I think it's a regular pigment.

I believe it's, you know, normal.

Okay.

What are you comparing?

Oh, you are circumcised.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I don't remember that, but I think that's all.

Hell yeah.

That doctor.

That guy.

Absolutely.

Very, very, one of the hardest circumcisions to do, I'd imagine.

Fuck, stay fucking still.

Can people hold down the arms and the legs and the hips and the fucking shoulders?

Nurses, I need more nurses.

This fucking baby's wobbled-y-wobbly-waff.

I love it.

Gentlemen, have you guys ever seen anything quite like Martin Phillips before?

No, I dude.

I've seen him before.

He's fucking hilarious, but I get anxious, you know.

I have this weird, uneasy feeling.

It's like watching a dog sneeze.

Where you stand up like, oh.

Is he okay?

He's okay.

He's okay.

Let him sneeze.

Let him get it out.

Big fan.

Bangs, bangs.

The great Sean Gardini.

What do you think about Martin Phillips?

Huge fan.

Love your style.

Sorry you're not getting pussy pussy anymore.

Yeah,

but you know, maybe it's for the best.

Yeah, maybe there's so far lighting self-married.

I don't know.

Don't know what about that.

I'll put a good word out for you.

Yeah.

Gardini's going to put a word out.

Yeah.

Sneezy dog leading the sneezier dog.

I'll teach you some of my tricks.

Right.

You put the word out, Don.

Yeah.

Yeah, all right.

I don't believe you.

Dude, I'll jerk you off right now, man.

You just have to leave your hand there.

He'll do all.

I'm sorry, Martin.

I don't like that.

That was good.

That was good.

Thank you.

Martin, you're an absolute rock star.

We love you.

Way to get the shit started tonight.

You've done it again.

The great Martin Phillips.

And now we go to the bucket we know this first bucket pull she's been on the show multiple times she got uh like

oh the lovely Heidi everybody big pop from the crowd

you gotta love it Heidi has lighters the Heidi lighters are out I don't know where do people find them at Heidi

You can find them at the Yellow Rose of Austin, Texas.

Oh, they have to go to the actual Yellow Rose.

Okay.

All right.

I thought maybe they'd be online, but you have to take your ass to a real legit strip club to get these lighters.

All right.

You know her, you love her.

It's been a long time since she's been on the show.

This is a brand new minute from Jameesha Albo, everybody.

It's been a long time.

She's back.

Jamesha Albo.

My name's Jamisha.

I was adopted when I was six years old.

I'm the only black person in my family.

And when I tell people that, they think my life is a a lot like that movie, The Help.

Yeah, growing up, my life was more like the movie, Get Out,

except with Mexicans, which was somehow worse.

My mom is a combination of white and Mexican, so when we're in public, I call her Mexi Karen,

right?

Like, she can eat tameles with the best of them, but like a white woman, she loves to say the N-word.

Yeah.

Nordstrom.

But she is Mexican, so it's more like Nordstrom rack.

That bitch loves a hard R.

Okay.

I got kinky parents.

You guys have kinky parents.

Don't answer that.

You see, here's the thing about kinky parents.

You shouldn't know that they're kinky.

When I was 18 years old, my mom came out to me as bisexual, followed by the phrase, I'm going to be in a relationship with your father and his girlfriend.

Yeah, my parents are Mexican and their third is white, so when they're all together, I call them Tres Leches.

Guys, thank you.

That's my time.

Jamisha Albo has returned.

Hi, Jamisha.

Tony Hinchcliffe, Mr.

President.

How are you?

Thank you, indeed.

So you were adopted?

Is that what I'm guessing?

I was adopted, right?

Yeah.

Only black person in my family.

And so

that ended that joke.

So when I was 18, my mom came out to me as bi, and then she entered a relationship with my dad and the girl that he was cheating on her with.

Yeah.

That sounds about right.

That's not even that crazy.

I'm used to much crazier shit with comedians.

That's actually a pretty balanced breakfast of

a childhood.

Wait until 18.

Normally when parents say bi at 18, they mean goodbye.

Goodbye.

You're out.

Don't come back.

See you later.

You had a little bit of

infidelity growing up, right?

More than infidelity.

My entire thing.

My mom and dad cheated on their significant others for 11 years secretly while raising families.

They were fucking the shit out of each other.

And then 11 years into it, my dad nutted inside of my mother and she got pregnant.

My dad assumed that she would have an abortion, but she decided to have me

her dream love child, the youngest by 12 years.

So being told that your mom's bi at 18 to me is fucking boring.

You know what I'm saying?

Because I was fucked up.

I did the math when I was a kid and called him out on it.

Anyway, it's a whole thing.

There's many podcasts where I talk about it.

Thank you for sharing.

Yeah, I'm a demon seed.

I'm the bastard of Youngstown.

Okay, okay.

Anyway, we knew.

It's interesting that you were adopted by Mexicans.

How did this happen?

That is, that sounds different.

Yeah, so it's like Mexican and Italian, mostly Mexican.

I have a lot of Mexicans that live in Fresno, California.

But yeah, six years old.

My mom just wanted a girl, so she got me.

She wanted a girl.

So

that's the only request.

She's like, I just want a girl.

And they gave her a pop.

She's a girl, black girl.

Yeah.

Damn.

Yep.

That's kind of like a fucking rock.

It was 2001.

Damn.

Can I have a, can I have a, can I have a second draft pick here?

The Mexicans are shaking their heads at me right now.

Oh, gosh.

I love it.

So what was it like being raised in a Mexican household?

Good, a lot of tamales.

Yeah.

I'm recently sober, and I used to smoke a lot of weed.

So I've replaced rolling blunts with the rolling tamales.

That's it.

Did you have brothers and sisters in the household?

I do, yeah.

So when I got adopted, my mom had a son from her first, we'll call it encounter who lived in Fresno.

And then when I got adopted, I had a brother who's my age, so I'm 30 now.

He's 30 as well.

And then I have a little brother.

Your brother came out of your mother's vagina.

Uh-huh.

Yeah.

So why did they go shopping for a kid when she could have?

I know.

She was also pregnant when she adopted me.

So

she really just.

John Dee's senior black correspondent on the show.

What were you going to say, John?

That's the wrong microphone, John.

What did you say?

Okey-dokey, real.

Great stuff, Dees.

You get a little bit stronger every week at this show.

No, I'm kidding.

No, John.

No, so

she was pregnant with my little brother when she had me.

And then.

The band loves it when Deez fucks up.

They're just having their own side tables right now.

Fucking love that shit.

The band leader, John Dees.

Okay.

Yeah, so my mom was pregnant with my little brother when they adopted me.

What would possibly make a woman try to get an extra child while she's pregnant?

I asked her, right?

I I was like, why did you decide to adopt me?

And the only reason was because she wanted a girl.

So that was it.

Jesus.

So she found out she wasn't having a girl.

She found out the thing inside of her belly had a penis.

I mean, does she even like the boy that's the same age as you?

Oh, yeah.

Hates me, loves, loves the boy.

Why does she hate you?

I was a piece of shit growing up.

Really?

Yeah, I would lie.

I would steal.

I know I'm nice now, but I was a fucking terror.

Wow.

So even if you're raised by a different race, race,

you still steal and lie.

Yes.

We're learning.

It's nature, not nurture.

We're figuring it out here tonight.

Deez is not smiling at this at all.

And this was before mothers can make their boys girls if they wanted to.

Yeah, you would be.

Yes.

This was pre-trans.

Yes, pre-trans.

My adoption, I've been a little bit more into the technical terms of my adoption, and it's called a transracial adoption when you're the only fucking different race in the whole.

Yeah.

Trans.

Tommy Pro.

Who's calling it that?

What's that?

Who's calling it that?

Who's what?

Who's calling it a transracial?

I thought it was just an adoption.

Yeah.

Trans-adoption, trans-racial.

We're Japanese.

Where did you learn that term?

The internet.

Okay.

Yeah.

They'll just call anything trans nowadays.

What did you steal when you were a kid?

You said that.

Food, surprisingly.

What kind of food?

Anything, really.

I was very, what do they call it?

Like, food insecure as a child.

So my birth mother was a drug addict and an alcoholic.

So I was just like.

How did you find that out?

My mom, my current mom, and my foster parents.

So they told you.

They're like, You're lucky

with us.

Well, so when I got put into foster care when I was three, so when I got to foster care, they found an STD.

Uh, not trying to brag.

You, wait, you had an STD when I was three.

Three?

Yeah, you dirty slut.

Jesus Christ.

Wow, that is incredible.

Oh, yeah.

Tommy has to be.

Yeah.

Tommy's going in for that hepatitis BET.

Oh, yeah.

Look at this.

You got that KFC HPV.

Okay, shut up.

We're having fun here.

How often do you get to make black STD as a baby jokes?

Come on.

She needs love.

Oh, thanks.

Just need a tough fucking hug from a WAP.

Yo.

Greasy Dego fucking hug.

How's that feel?

You may have given her a WAP.

Yeah, my neck is

a little wet.

But so, yeah, so uh basically my my birth mother had passed out on the couch and i just like left and then the cops picked me up and then from then on amazing yeah and look at you now you're

a comedian you love it you love this game all the time i noticed that you sign up all the time because i see you before the show because you get to perform in the little boy there's a lot that goes on here you know some people you see more than others around yeah adam you get the booker likes you it's been a long time since you actually got pulled out of the the bucket.

We're happy to have you.

You already have a big joke book.

It's filled.

Yep.

I love it.

You want another one?

Please.

You got it.

Jamisha Albo.

Boom.

What a great catch.

Hell yeah.

She can catch a joke book.

She can catch an STD.

She can catch everything, ladies and gentlemen.

It's unbelievable.

The stylings of Jameesha Albo.

Raised by Mexicans, still catches leather like a black person.

Amazing.

That's a football joke.

It's a football joke for those of of you trying to clip things to make me look like a racist.

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Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Cole Castle, everybody.

Coal Castle.

I like to have the TV on during sex, but you gotta be careful what show is on while you're doing it.

Because the only thing worse than finishing quick with a girl is finishing quick than hearing a laugh track immediately after.

Now it just feels like a whole audience is degrading me.

My go-to genre to have on during sex, true crime.

Because at least if I give her a bad performance, she can look at the TV and see some girl getting raped and murdered.

And I can go, hey, could be a lot worse for you, huh?

It's like, yeah, I didn't make you come, but you do get to go outside again.

So

count your blessings, all right?

I was drinking with some family a couple weeks ago.

My cousin with Down syndrome came up to me, goes, hey, Cole, you should stop drinking.

It's not good for you.

And in my head, I was like, I'm not going to stop drinking tonight until I'm on your level, little cuzzo.

I also want to be drooling on myself at some point.

That's when I realized getting drunk is just micro-dosing Down syndrome.

There's a lot of similarities.

You know, you're harder to understand.

You eat more.

You fall more.

And no one's going to trust you behind the wheel.

So a lot of similarities, I think.

I don't know.

People start drinking and say, let's get fucked up.

I say, let's get fucked down.

All right.

Thank y'all.

Cole Castle.

Very good set.

How's it going, Cole?

Good.

You've been on this show before?

Yeah, yeah, I was on a few months ago.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Did this go better than the last time, you think?

I think it went about the same.

Okay.

Yeah, we'll see.

All right.

Yeah.

Things can change.

Well, no, it already happened.

We did see.

Yeah, okay.

Well, you know, there's the interview, but yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That's a good point.

You're in it right now.

Yeah.

Have you had a broken nose before?

No.

No?

Just looks like that.

Yeah.

Damn.

That's sucked.

Appreciate that.

Yeah, you're well.

Yeah, you're right.

The interview is a long.

I'll try to face you so you wouldn't like notice.

Oh, yeah.

Just seeing someone so fucked.

You ever been hit by a car?

What's this about?

You got an excuse for that fucking face?

That's crazy.

Cole, how long you been on the stand-up?

Just at one year.

One year.

What do you do for work?

Sales.

What are you selling?

I sell insurance to financial advisors.

Wow.

Sounds terrible.

It's not.

I mean, I work from home.

My coworkers are cool.

That's really all I care about.

Since when do all these fucking things work from home?

The pandemic?

Yeah.

Did they just let everybody stay there?

Yeah, I mean, after the pandemic, it's like they can just hire, like, our office is in Florida, so it doesn't even matter.

Like, I can another sad fucking story.

Are your parents Mexican too?

Can we fucking pick it up?

Yeah.

How old were you when you got your first STD?

I was...

I went to Texas Tech, so Raider Ash was a real thing.

Hell yeah.

You got that little...

Keeps going.

You got that little red Raider in your pants.

Yeah.

I thought it was a joke.

They're like, dude, watch out for Raider Ash.

And I was like, yeah, all right.

What does that mean?

Raider Ash, it's basically like chlamydia at Texas Tech.

Yeah, so you got chlamydia.

Yeah, they just said Raider Rash.

It was STD, but then like, dude, everyone gets...

chlamydia there.

Wow.

Dude, yeah, I was like, I was studying finance, which is like kind of hard, but dude, I couldn't even pass a test at the clinic.

Those were the hardest.

You make me want to shave my mustache, dude.

That's amazing.

That is amazing.

Cole, when's the last time you got an STD?

I don't know.

If you don't get tested, you don't have one.

So

it's been a while.

Probably since college, I think.

Yeah, I got tested like a year ago.

I'm good to go.

Okay.

All right.

That's good.

A year.

You talked a lot about sex

during your act.

Do you have a lot of it?

Do you have a steady girlfriend?

No, no.

No, dude, I feel like I just can always come up with bits for during sex.

During sex.

Yeah, or like after.

I'm like,

if I can't write, if I've writer's block, I'm like, let me just bang someone and then I could probably get a joke out there.

Have you thought about doing other things and writing jokes about it?

No, no, just sex right now.

Just sex.

Amazing.

Yeah, riding that wave.

Amazing.

Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom that you use on the ladies?

The old coal castle, the old sand castle, the old fucking

coal trickle.

No, I'm just really good at like the pillow talk after.

Like, yeah, sex, all right, but like I'll hold a mean conversation after.

Really?

Yeah.

Is that true?

Yeah, like I think like the sex is alright, but the pillow talk is like, all right, I'll hang out with that guy again.

You know what?

Let's get Heidi up here.

I want to see what this guy's pillow talk is like.

Let's do a little

the lovely Heidi.

Always an intimidating force when looking directly in a man's eyes

So you just fucked Heidi which I'm guessing is literally I have to get tested.

Yeah

So you and Heidi just fucked you guys are laying down.

Let's get a little example of your amazing pillow talk

Heidi thank you for having sex with me tonight

You're very welcome.

Your make-a-wish has come true.

He won.

He won.

Keep it going.

Keep it going.

So, like, do you like play Fortnite?

Or what?

I really love Grand Theft Auto.

Grand Theft Auto?

You probably always take the hookers and fuck them in the car.

Yeah, I usually just kill them, actually.

All right.

You're pretty cool.

All right.

I understand.

I understand why you get the ladies.

Yeah, okay.

Cool.

What are you doing

after...

Well, we just had sex.

So

give me like 30 minutes and a power aid.

Then what are you doing later?

Okay, I can make you a power aid.

Oh, you can make power aid?

Wow.

Okay.

Okay.

Yeah, I'll try some of your power aid.

Yeah, okay.

What color?

Probably blue.

Blue?

Okay.

Yeah, I can do some blue.

Heidi power aid.

Wow, what a master of pillow talk.

How about a hand for the lovely Heidi?

Cole?

What kind of joke book did you get last time?

You wrote a big one.

You got a big one?

There you go.

There he goes.

Cole Castle, everybody.

On to the next one.

You don't need to shake hands, Cole.

There you go.

All right, back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen.

This looks like a new name.

Make some noise for the Kill Tony, I do believe, debut of Simon Perkovich.

Simon Perkovich.

Here we go.

What's up, everybody?

Let me gauge the room.

What do we think of trans athletes?

Boo?

Why?

I love trans athletes.

Trans athletes are the best thing to ever happen to women sports.

Yeah.

Case in point, right now, we're talking about women's sports.

Look at the ratings.

Did you guys know there's a WNBA?

We haven't cared this much about women's sports since the 20s.

And back then it was like, dude, should we let women play sports?

Now it's the 20s again, and we're like, bro, should we play women's sports?

And I feel the ladies pulling away.

I get it.

You're mad because you're jealous, you know?

We make better women than you.

We've got stronger legs.

We're faster.

We've got bigger dicks.

That's me.

Simon Perkovich.

Going in on trans

athletes.

Welcome to the show.

This is your first time on, right?

First time.

I would remember a Perkovich if I've heard one before.

How long have you been on stand-up?

Like three years.

Where at?

Telluride, Colorado.

Wow, what's it like up in Telluride?

It sucks.

Yeah?

Yeah, Telluride sucks.

Don't ski there uh it's a terrible resort why um it used to be really cool it was like a hippie ski town now it's like oprah lives there and like they turned every cool thing into a condo ah what were they kind of like austin yeah no austin's amazing you're right it is yeah we don't know what you're talking about city's great and oprah is nowhere to be found that's true so does oprah actually live there it seems like that would be a slippery slope slope for her

for her very unhealthy body to

Yeah, I don't think she can breathe up there.

And we've never seen her, but she's got the biggest property in our area.

That makes sense.

Just in case the shit hits the fan, there's a space for her to escape to.

Luckily, that won't happen.

Because anyway, I'll just keep going on.

I want to get political here.

That's me avoiding politics for a change.

So Simon, tell us more about you.

What What do you do for work?

I was a bartender.

Now I'm trying to figure it out.

I want to work for farms and stuff around here.

I went to the farmer's market, just dropped off my resume with a bunch of people.

Haven't heard anything back.

What kind of farming do you want to do?

Yeah.

Do you know what

I used to?

What year are you in?

25.

I don't know.

1925.

Very good.

Farming is an option.

What are you talking about?

Have you ever farmed before?

Yeah.

I used to be a mushroom farmer.

I'd grow like medicinal mushrooms.

I've worked on a pig farm.

I've worked on an apple farm.

Organic stuff.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

You're a little hippy-dippy, huh?

I'm a little hippie-dippy.

I think that if you don't make food in some way, you're kind of useless.

Uh-huh.

Right.

that's how i feel about other people yeah

other people should make my food yeah

that's where you come in that's what i do and that's not what i do yeah i eat the food

i drink your milkshake yeah

tell us more how long have you been in austin texas uh i've been here since halloween so it's been like two weeks hell yeah Halloween.

Did you dress up for Halloween?

Yeah, I have this like robe that I do drugs and walk the desert in and it kind of looks like the dude.

So I was the dude for Halloween.

With arms wide open.

Jesus.

We just got in a whole episode

demonetized for me singing one line of that song, that exact line.

No big deal.

Just a quick hundred thousand bucks down the train.

Thank you, Tommy.

Wasn't even a do joke.

Just switched it to Creed.

And

it's okay.

We'll bleep it.

We've learned to bleep it.

We have to bleep shit all the time now, which fucking sucks.

Oh shit, look at that picture of Redband happening over there in the corner.

I love this.

Very rarely do I get sidetracked by the artwork, but I've never seen anyone draw red band so spot-on before.

Look at that.

Absolutely nailing it over there.

That's what you look like, dude.

That's what you fucking.

I thought that was a mirror for a second, somehow reflecting your perfect face that's what red bit add a little more weight on the cheeks

fucking unbelievable Chris nailing it

salute to you I love it the the the paint adds

oh my goodness Simon,

you have so much charisma that a painting just took over the show while you were up here.

Tell us more about you.

What's the most interesting thing about your entire life?

Most interesting thing about my life.

There's a theme to tonight's show because the first comedian got her first STD at three years old.

Have you ever had an STD before?

No, not yet.

You know what?

I do have something weird on my dick, though.

Oh.

Anyone heard of lichen sclerosis?

No.

Tell us more.

Okay.

I tell people it's a birthmark.

It sucks.

It's Latin for it looks like there's lichen on your cock.

And it's just like it's just like pale.

It's just a little whiter just on my dick and it kind of grows a little bit.

Oh fucking disgusting.

It is.

Yeah.

Have you had a doctor look at it before?

Or are you just out there on the farms just digging in dirt and fucking living your life?

Yeah, I had my dad diagnose it.

Is your dad a doctor?

No.

Oh, okay.

Perfect.

All right.

Well, Simon, very, very interesting.

We're looking at it.

Lichen is a condition that causes patchy, discolored, thin skin and usually affects the genital and anal areas.

How about your anal area?

Um, no, I can't see all the way up.

I might have to give it a look after the show.

Perfect.

Wow.

What a disgusting-looking disease.

Not contagious.

You can't get it.

It's not contagious.

But we don't even know if that's it.

It could very easily be anything.

You just think it's Lichen syndrome.

Yeah.

So if you're a doctor, it can, you know.

All right.

Cole, you're leaving here with a medium-sized jokebook.

The audience laughed at yourself, but trans athletes is kind of a kind of an easy subject.

I want to hear you talk about more, maybe more about your life next time or something.

Real perspective.

There you go.

Simon Perkins.

For sure.

Thank you so much.

Thank you.

On to the next one we go.

You guys having fun out there?

Do you get it?

You're in it.

Anything can happen.

Last week we

coined a brand new golden ticket winner i mean anything can happen your next comedian goes by the name of seth shepard everybody seth shepard is your fourth bucket full fifth comedian

howdy buddy

my name is seth shepherd and i'm from eastern kentucky

being from such a place means i come with an accent

An accent, mind you, that is mildly inconvenient, pending on the circumstance.

For instance, I know a fair amount of Spanish.

I just try not to speak it because it just sounds like a hate crime coming out of this mouth.

Buenos dias, senor.

Means good day, mister.

Coming for me, though, it sounds about as friendly as the soft crackling of a burning cross.

Thank y'all so much.

This is almost a dated joke, I guess, because the election is over.

But

did y'all hear about the mechanic shop that the Harrison Waltz campaign

was trying to come out with?

They mostly do electrical work and radiator work, but their real specialty was rebuilding trannies.

There you go.

Very tranny, heavy episode tonight.

Seth Shepherd.

Welcome, Seth.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

This is less than my 10th time.

This is less than my 10th time.

Look at you.

You sound like a guy that's like 50 years older than you.

How old are you?

I'm 27.

Oh, god damn it.

God damn it, Tony.

I'm fucking...

I'm only 11 years old.

I've been sounding like this my whole goddamn life.

My first words were objection.

My dad gave me my first cigarette when I was four.

Is Is that true?

Yes, sir.

Wow, look at this episode.

STDs at three, cigarettes at four.

What the fuck?

This bucket is contaminated tonight.

He said, if you keep puffing, it won't go out.

We're a Marlborough family.

Absolutely incredible.

That is the most Kentucky shit I've ever heard of in my life.

Do you still live in eastern Kentucky?

No, sir.

I moved here the end of September.

Oh, by God, the end of September.

Unbelievable.

We went from the dude to the guy that narrates the big Lebowski.

And that was the story of the dude.

I have always wanted to do voiceover work, yes, sir.

You have a great narrator voice.

It is incredible.

Powerful stuff.

So,

what the hell was I going to say?

How long ago did you move here again?

The end of September.

I was working a dog shit job and just didn't get time to get up on stage.

I quit it last Saturday.

Paid rent up to the end of January.

Yes, sir.

There you go.

So here you go.

What's your living situation?

What are you living in?

Studio apartment by myself.

Amazing.

Amazing.

Do you have a job here yet?

I quit it last Saturday.

You quit the job here in Austin?

Yes, sir.

What was that job?

It was a general manager spot for

a chain pizza restaurant.

What was the chain?

Papa John's.

It was awesome.

Yep.

It was better.

Papa John.

It's falling downhill.

You would know our senior pizza correspondent, Brian Redband.

Since Papa left, it's not the same.

Yep.

Yep.

Papa's got a brand new bag.

Absolutely incredible.

How have they fallen off exactly, senior pizza correspondent Brian Redband?

It's just not the same anymore.

It's bad when Domino's is beating it.

Wow.

What's the edge?

It's just

less garlic sauce.

Yeah, I think it is.

The peppers are all like, you know, horrible now.

They're not saying the N-word anymore.

Yeah.

No more N-word.

The peppers are bad.

If we only knew a farmer that could help them with that.

So, Seth, what are you looking to do now?

You're done.

You're done being a GM at Papa John's.

What's next for you?

What kind of job are you looking for?

My rent is paid up to the end of January, so I'm hoping for a job at maybe one of the clubs

or if there's a farm locally that needs pigs killed.

I've got guns.

There's a lot of fucking farmers here tonight.

Yes, sir.

Wow.

Incredible.

Do you have experience farming?

Yes, sir.

We grow back at...

dad's house we grow with whatever you can think of mushrooms watermelons anything why'd you say watermelon second?

I've been trying to work on a joke about how I get asked a lot of the same questions as inner city black kids, because I'm from Kentucky and everybody's like, how often do you eat fried chicken?

I'm like, oh.

I love the voice that you have for normal people.

That was incredible.

You really think very low of us, of us,

of us, non-accent people.

Well, we're going to get some fried chicken.

Make us sound like real dumbasses.

Deep Madness has to take a watermelon break now.

Thank you.

Racist.

Oh, he said watermelon.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

At a political rally.

Oh, God.

He heard it twice and was like, I got to get out of here.

I love it.

So, what do you really think?

I mean, you're not going to get a job farming.

What can we really do for you?

Anything need to be done.

I'm trying to get a job over at Mr.

Redband's club.

Mr.

Redband.

I've never heard him be called that before.

Been working with this motherfucker.

He used to call me that at Papa John's every time I was here.

Redband.

Where's your noise?

Give me your noise.

That's a fucking good one.

Where's it at?

There it is.

Mr.

Redband.

Oh my God.

Make sure those peppers are extra peppy.

Mr.

Redband put in an order.

Why don't you fucking help this guy get a job?

You put an application in?

Yes, sir.

I'll send it to you.

All right.

I'll remember and see.

I don't know if we're hiring, but I'll look at it.

Why don't we just say it?

Next person to get fired and that needs to get hired, let's move him to the top of the list.

He might be hiring, so I don't know.

There you go.

I'm going to make sure somebody gets fired there in the next couple weeks.

I can't remember.

How was your fucking set?

Kentucky.

And then I wrote the letters essay.

Big?

Welcome to the...

Welcome to Austin, Seth.

Big joke book.

Fill it up.

I don't know what's going on anymore.

Such a compelling interview.

Seth Shepard, his name's getting written down by Red Van.

The motherfucker's gonna end up at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club.

And you're gonna see him one day, and you're gonna go, I remember that's the guy with the thick old accent.

There's only one place where history, culture, and adventure meet on the National Mall.

Where museum days turn to electric lights,

where riverside sunrises glow and monuments shine in moonlight,

where there's something new for everyone to discover.

There's only one DC.

Visit Washington.org to plan your trip.

Honey Punches the Votes for Todos.

Today Albaner para sabermás.

All right.

Is uh our guy ready over there?

Yeah, great.

You guys are in for it.

This is it.

One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Not easy at all to move the crowd once a week for 60 seconds.

He basically gives you an hour special every year.

He's a fucking prodigy at his age, at his experience to be this goddamn good, this cool, and such a great friend.

Make some noise for the great and powerful.

Cam Patterson.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah.

That last guy had like a slave on a voice.

It was very terrible.

You know what's crazy?

I went to a Colorado Buffalo game recently, and I had on the uniform, I had like a jacket on, and a bunch of white people just thought I was a recruit, and that was the funniest shit ever.

They're like, he can't be here to read.

It's not a reader.

It's a running back, nigga.

This is crazy.

And it was cool, because I was in line the whole time.

Like, one lady was like, are you going to go here?

You going to come here?

I was like, I might.

I'm thinking about it a little bit.

I got three schools lined up right now.

It's Florida, Georgia, and here, you feel me?

And then she was like, but you can't beat these views.

And I wanted to be funny, so I was like, you can't beat the white bitches.

And then I walked off and she was very confused.

She was thoroughly confused.

I also watched the Mike Tyson fight and that was terrible.

But listen, my favorite part about the whole fight was before when they asked him how the fight was going to go and he said, vicious victory.

And he turned around and his ass was out, right?

And you know what's crazy to me?

Anybody else in this room, as a grown man, in a room with other grown men, if you have your ass out, that's gay, right?

But for Mike Tyson, that might have been the straightest shit I've ever seen in my life, dog.

It was crazy.

I'll tell you one thing: the cameraman, right?

The cameraman, that when he turned around, it was like a full view of the room, right?

And then he zoomed in on his ass.

Now, that guy, gay as fuck, dog.

That's

I've been cat back.

Thank you so much, Justin.

That is how you do it.

What's up?

Fuck yeah.

That was fun, man.

This is good.

I'm happy.

Done it again.

Talking about your weekend in Colorado.

Hell yeah.

And topical stuff.

You take what you do and what you see and you immediately recycle it into great material.

100%.

A fucking machine.

You were in Colorado on Saturday?

Hell yeah.

I was there since Wednesday.

I did seven shows.

Thank y'all.

You know what I'm saying?

Wow.

Seven shows.

That shows a real blessing, bro.

Amazing.

You got to meet Dion?

Hell yeah.

I froze like a motherfucker, boy.

You what?

I froze because his manager, a big fan, like he liked the show and shit.

So like he said, come out, you know, saying

his manager, one of his managers.

Oh, wow.

So I went to the prep.

I seen everything, dog.

So and I met him and I was like, what's up, Mr.

Dion?

I was saying,

I was sensitive.

I could have got cut from the team.

Nigga, I was like really nervous, but I was happy, dog.

I was happy to be there.

You feel what I'm saying?

Shit was dope.

I only know you met Dion because I got a text from your dad who always updates me on the highlights of your career when you're on the road.

I was on the road at the same exact time doing a show in Southern California to to an amazing, amazing time.

Shout out to Fantasy Springs in Indio.

Had a big, big, crazy, extremely Latino turnout.

Anyway,

and I get a text from your dad who always updates me.

You know, he just did this.

He just did that.

Thanks to you.

And so what was Dion like?

The funniest shit, my dad, you know, that's black, that's like my dad's hero, nigga.

So my dad was like,

I'm going to talk to us.

He was on the plane, like, like, thinking of like a plan, what to say.

And he got, and he was like, hey, Dion.

Hey, prime time.

I'm ready.

And then Dion was like, for what?

And my dad was like, I ain't think that far ahead into the conversation.

I thought you all ready.

I want you all ready as fuck.

That's all it was.

Did your dad and Dion compare their fucked up feet?

No, they should have.

That would have been fucking funny.

That would have been funny as shit.

But you know what's funny?

My dad got his toes done because we talk about it so much.

He got pedicured.

Yeah, so people will see him and they don't look bad no more.

He don't got like slave feet no more.

You know what I'm saying?

I can't believe a pedicure solved that.

He needs a fucking chiropractor on those feet.

Crack those toes back to where they belong.

They were pointed every direction.

There's no real way for you guys, Dundre.

It's really just for me and Cam.

I'm going to picture them.

I can get a picture of them.

I can get a picture of them.

We should.

Do we have an old picture?

Let me get an old picture of them toes.

Oh, hell yeah.

Trust me.

I find them with you.

Let's zoom in on that pic, like Mike Tyson's ass.

I want the people to see.

Exactly.

I mean, the toes are just, they look like they're like

palm trees, like growing out other directions.

They terrible, though.

It is incredible.

My mom always said, We got the same feet.

You feel me?

My mom would always say, if he didn't claim you as your son, as your son, then you show your toes, and that's how you get it done.

You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah.

You got the same feet.

The good news is I'd never seen your feet.

Even if you're wearing sandals or flip-flops, you always keep socks on them.

Absolutely.

No, there's there's no way I'm having him pull those nobody ever seeing my feet everybody's room would die right now I swear to God yeah I don't want to do it I don't want to find out I don't want to find out that Cam is 5% falcon

I could tell Dee's kind of has fucked up feet just by the way he's laughing at all this.

It is a black person thing.

It's not like racist to say a stereotype that's true.

I mean, looking at a lot of Texans that drove an hour and a half to be here from the country, just like, wait, what?

That's a thing?

But it's a thing, right?

They all look very confused.

I mean, I would not agree or disagree.

I'll tell you that, but it is a thing.

I don't know all black people's feet.

My mama got good feet.

I see.

No weird shit.

Oh,

the women.

The women.

I ain't saying nothing weird.

That sounds pretty weird when I said it.

My mom probably got good feet.

I don't know.

Fuck it.

I don't fucking know.

Who knows?

Do you have a picture of those?

Huh?

Yeah.

No, no, hell no.

Fuck no.

Are you fucking crazy?

No!

She don't even got feet, nigga.

She is floating shit.

She'll be floating.

That's all she do.

She float.

She don't got feet, titties or ass.

She has a fucking ray of sunshine.

That's what my mama is.

She a fucking spectral of a person.

It's not even real.

She is a voice.

That's all she is.

Ha ha ha.

She a voice.

She not a real person.

I love it.

You guys have seen Cam Patterson before, Tommy, Sean.

Of course, I mean, I love Cam.

Fuck you.

Do you remember when I pretended to be you?

Huh?

Do you remember when I pretended to be you on that blindfolded show?

Yes, that's funny.

We did a dating show.

I don't think they were buying it, to be honest with you.

Let's see it.

What was it like?

Wait, explain the premise.

There was a blindfolded show.

There was a blind dating show.

Okay.

I won't pretend we're blind.

I'm a contestant.

Okay.

I mean, there's not much to it.

I just walked out.

I said, hey, everybody, I'm Cam Patterson.

I'm wearing flip-flops right now.

I swear to God, I'm I'm black as hell.

I'm not white.

And they weren't buying it.

I don't know why, but they weren't.

Somehow, it didn't work for some reason.

They didn't like it.

We accidentally said it.

They didn't like it right now either.

They don't enjoy it right now.

Fuck wrong with you, niggas.

That lie?

Okay.

They seem very scared now.

Thank you, Kim.

I got your back, dude.

You're fantastic.

Every week, the hat gravitates farther to the back of your head.

Come on, come on.

Was there something holding that on?

No, nigga.

There's not a pin.

It's magic.

It's black magic.

How is that staying on?

Can you show the side angle to the humans out there?

It doesn't really make any sense.

This magic, I got good hair.

You know what I'm saying?

I swear to God, we are three weeks away from that thing just being on the back of your neck sideways.

It's a come with the wig?

Huh?

It's a come with the wig?

What the fuck are you talking about, Red Ban?

Fucking you be a wiggle.

Look at the picture of Red Band in the corner over there if you want to feel him.

He looked dead.

Hey!

The late great Red Band over there, that's him

after being found in a river.

Somehow his hat stayed on the whole time as well.

That's Rigamurtis, man.

What it is, Riga Murdis?

Riga Mortis, Riga Murdis.

Riga Mortis.

Riga Mortis.

That bit kicking in.

Yeah, yeah, Riga Mort.

Let's see your feet.

Let's see your feet.

I bet it looks like five dead ETs.

Remember when he's in the water?

I bet it looks like five of those.

You say ETs?

Yeah.

Bet I'm 25.

I've never seen that movie, nigga.

Fuck E.T.

Fuck E.T.

Fuck E.T.

Yeah, fuck E.T., nigga.

That's right.

Absolutely.

Fuck extraterrestrials and shit.

Hell yeah.

If you ran into E.T., I know what you would do.

You would steal his bicycle.

Nah, smoke, E.T., that'd be cool.

There is nobody like you, buddy.

I don't know if there's anybody I love quite as much as you, the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody.

All right, on and on we go.

Where we stop?

Who the fuck knows?

Oh, this is very exciting.

This young lady has been on the show before.

We are in for a special treat with a great interview and 60 seconds uninterrupted.

This is the return of Juanita, everybody.

Juanita is back.

How many of you kill Tony people are unvaccinated?

Don't get it.

Don't get the vaccine.

I'm transgender now.

Didn't happen until after a second booster in a Bud Light.

Drink, Shiner, keep it local.

Sometimes I like to go to gender reveal parties

and drown the room in negative energy.

You don't fucking know!

You don't fucking know!

Fuck yeah, Juanita, I gotta tell you,

I was excited to see your name.

You've been on this show a couple times before.

I was excited to see your name because I was looking immediately forward to the interview and the jokes that were gonna happen.

But I gotta tell you, that's the best minute you've ever had by far.

Thank you on the show.

I love to see you doing,

acknowledging being trans, owning it, and fucking talking about it.

That's fun.

It's always interesting to me.

And I think the last time you were on, if I remember correctly, you didn't quite cover it right.

And I was kind of like in the interview trying to hint at talking about it.

This time, it's guns ablazing.

You're definitely trans.

Yeah.

There's no doubt about it.

I just thought it was really fucking obvious.

And then actually like, Amy.

It is.

It is.

It is.

It is.

It is.

It is.

That's what I'm saying, is that it is.

And it's best that you acknowledge it instead of me going, so anything else about you?

Juanita?

You're going to be like, so what does your dick look like?

Well,

what does it look like?

Well, Tony.

I'd say you're more of a Juan than Anita.

Oh?

Hey,

that's my dad name.

You nailed it.

You were a Juan.

Yeah.

And now you're Juan gone.

Yeah.

Juan is gone.

So what's it like?

When did you realize that you prefer being a woman or you are a woman or whatever you

whatever it is?

I'm a lady.

Hell yeah.

Sort of?

My entire life though.

He's a lady.

He's a lady.

My entire life since I was like a little kid.

Really?

Yeah, it was like a huge secret.

And then I didn't actually

transition until I was like 30.

Okay.

How old are you now?

36.

36.

And you've been in Texas for how long?

Since I was six.

Right.

Where were you before then?

I was born in Mexico.

Okay.

Born in Mexico.

And you're here.

So you are a transplant.

She went to prison.

Hold on.

What's on?

If she went to prison,

she could have got it for free.

That's true.

Oh, she's cheaper in Mexico, though.

Sorry, I don't want to get it.

Dude, I should have stolen more stuff.

Yeah.

Still had a pussy.

Juanita, what do you do for work?

Right now I'm unemployed.

Anybody got a job?

Oh, my goodness gracious.

But I'm collecting unemployment.

I worked for like a tech company doing translations, and then they had the job.

Translations?

Are you serious?

Are you kidding me?

Are you kidding me?

Wow.

So you were translating Spanish to English?

Okay.

Incredible.

Are you looking for a job now?

Yeah, like bartending or doing whatever.

I don't know.

You know how to bartend?

Yeah.

Okay.

Yeah.

What do you, what do you, what, what's like one of your favorite drinks to make?

Just like a classic actual martini, so stirred, not shaken.

Gin, dry, lemon.

Are there any special trans drinks that you make?

Like a unshirley temple or a

or perhaps.

She makes a martini and pours into a Miller Light bottle.

I get my boyfriend to come and

you make a mean used to be a man hattin.

Next bar job, yeah, I'm gonna fucking do that.

Yes.

Express yourself martini.

Guys?

Oh, I love it.

I love it.

Juanita, what else?

What are some hobbies?

What else are you into when you're not doing stand-up comedy?

I like doing impressions and I like to paint.

Huh?

I said, you don't say.

God damn it, Gardini.

You know I love you.

No, I love you, too.

Look what baby.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

I'm kind of into gingers.

You're into gingers?

I was just kidding.

I hope not.

Oh, that's amazing.

I love it.

Paint your back, dude.

So I gotta know these impressions.

I gotta see some impressions from the lovely Juanita.

I am so excited about this.

What's her name?

Nicole Tran.

Oh, Nicole Tran from Kill Tony Fame?

I keep doing this.

Wow, I've never heard anybody do a Nicole Tran impression.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Juanita doing Nicole Tran, which, by the way, has the word Tran in her name.

Just a fun fact.

For those of you hearing the translator, transplant, that's a tran doing Nicole Tran.

Can't make it up.

Ladies and gentlemen, here's Juanita doing Nicole Tran.

When I was a kid,

we did not play Ding Dong Ditch.

We just ditched our friend Ding Dong.

That's very good.

Very good.

That is what Nicole Tran sounds like.

I have a good Tyrive era, too.

Wow.

Okay.

Who else?

What else?

Maybe like a a...

I'm trying to think.

Like Jennifer Coolidge.

Okay, let's hear Jennifer Coolidge.

I'm doing jokes right now.

That one's not as good.

Okay.

Anybody else you can think of, Juanita?

Nope, John D's throwing out a request.

Samuel L.

Jackson.

There she is.

It's kind of hard to just get thrown an impression, but we're throwing you.

Let's see.

We're throwing it right at you, Juanita.

Motherfucker, do you know what a royale with cheese is?

Wow.

Do it again, but this time untuck your cock from between your legs.

No, don't do it, Juanita.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Juanita, you are so cool.

There is like this.

There's like a...

You know, a stereotype, I guess, out there that trans people are all woke and annoying and this and that.

And you fucking...

I get in trouble for being racist.

Tell me about it, baby.

Ah, Juanita, Juanita.

What's your love life like?

Tell us more.

You're into gingers.

I want to know what you're butt fucking.

All right.

I want to know.

The last experience I had is kind of embarrassing.

I was barking for a show on 6th, and this really kind of like handsome, like younger guy, he like walked by and he gave me eyes and I was like, you should go in our show.

And so we let him in the show and I performed.

I got off stage.

He like hugged me and then

made out with him and he goes, I don't think Mithra is going to like this.

You don't think what?

He said, I don't think Mithra is going to like this.

What the fuck's Mithra?

That's what I said.

I was like, who the fuck is Mithra?

Oh, Zydia.

And he goes,

oh, she's the goddess.

Her and Yeshua, they guide me.

I was like, are you homeless?

And he was like, yeah.

I was like.

Wow.

Fuck.

Wow.

Somehow he was no homo and no homo at the same time.

That is incredible.

Yes, homo and no homo.

Would you say he was transient?

Yes.

Absolutely.

For those of you marking off trans bingo cards tonight, everybody's won.

No doubt about it.

It is bingo across the boards.

So you made out with a homeless guy, and then what happened?

No, I sent him home.

Oh.

I have a more interesting one.

Just outside, back outside.

You kicked him to the curb and sent him home.

I dropped him in a sharp shopping cart.

Fucking pushed him down a hill.

It does seem like you have some, you know, you seem like, you know, an offensive line woman.

So like, do you throw boys around?

Like, what are you, what's your stuff?

I like the big ones.

I like tall.

You like big

guys to throw you around.

Yeah.

Right.

I have a more interesting one.

Okay.

Rick Diaz showed me what vanish mode was on Instagram.

Showed me his wiener.

Wow.

Well, I don't know if it was big or if it just looked big in his pan's labyrinth hand choking it.

Wow.

But seemed big my goodness it seems absolutely disgusting i'm

i'm fucking hungry zell dude

i'm starving

poor rick wow uh

well i mean i'll tell you why he would do it he's a little obviously a little horny european boy

yeah juanita do i have his golden ticket juanita no uh

Juanita.

What is a typical day like for you?

How does it start?

Do you wake up feeling like a woman?

Yes.

Are you kind of like,

oh, fuck, another fucking Monday shit.

God damn it.

And you're like, hey, hey,

Time to do the thing again.

I was going to say, I do have Shania Twain as an alarm clock just to remember.

Right.

Don't forget you're a lady.

Yeah.

Does it ever play in slow motion?

It's like, feel like a lady.

All right, Juanita, you have a joke book?

I have a little one.

Well, guess what?

Fuck yes!

Boom!

Juanita, ladies and gentlemen.

Good old Texas trans.

You know what I'm saying?

We plugging big and bulky.

Help you move.

Type of lady that'll help you move a couch.

There we go.

For those of you whose dicks have gotten into your stomach, there's the lovely Heidi to bring it back out a little bit.

The old piece of ginger after this trans sushi we just had up here.

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Make some notes to your next comedian.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Dusty Keith, everybody.

Dusty Keith is next on Keltony.

Tony doesn't seem to recognize my name.

I couldn't forget those hot pink rubber clown lips if I tried.

Damn, they haunt me.

Man, I get the shaky memory though.

Her senses were rattled by many a headboard and man's pelvis back in the day during her horn times.

And she's transitioned since.

I'm sorry to dead name you.

But yeah, like me and the frat gentleman were admiring her two-dick mouth yet three-dick throat.

You know, we measure things with what we have on town down in the south.

And in a fever, she slammed down her sea breeze, dislocated her jaw, and enveloped the three thickest frat gentlemen in the room.

It was one of those incredible moments where time seems to come

slow down as things come together.

I witnessed it then.

It was a dingularity.

If need be, Tanya here could discator jaw and envelop an entire frozen turkey.

Let's all go down to the H-E-B so you can show them your merchandise, girl.

Still got a few seconds, huh?

She earned a good name back in the day.

Manaconda for those moments.

Thank you.

Okay, Dusty Keith.

Was that about me?

Yeah.

Okay.

That was confusing because there was just a trans person on stage.

I thought maybe you were trying to riff about her.

It was all completely

dispsy.

I'm this big tall guy the first day I was here five months ago.

Nothing you say makes any fucking sense, Dusty.

The girl.

The trans girl.

Just take your time.

Breathe a little bit, Dusty.

Dusty, Dusty, Dusty.

So what was that supposed to be?

It was just a story about back in the day, but I thought it'd be funny.

Back in the day.

But a made-up story.

Made-up story.

About back in the day with me.

Yeah.

Okay.

How do you think it went, Dustin?

Horrible.

Right.

Do you do stand-up?

Yeah, I do.

How long have you been doing it?

It's been a year and five months.

A year and five months.

Where have you been doing it at?

Raleigh, Richmond, Newport News.

And you thought that to come out guns ablazing and tell a made-up story about me?

I said, I couldn't forget those hot pink rubber clown lips if I tried.

I thought it would land, but oh, oh well.

We heard you the first time.

I know I know.

I know, I know.

Me, I have

I have hot pink rubber clown lips, is what they're saying.

Okay, these look hot pink.

You look like Peter Pan kissed a rat trap.

No, I'm on.

I don't know.

I don't know.

I have beautiful lips, Dusty.

My lips are a very, very tough thing to make fun of.

They're pouty.

They're unbelievably beautiful, very plump.

Heidi's giving me a thumbs up, which means

pretty manly dusty we're good but you took a shot at it what have you uh tried to write about you you came up here a bunch of self-roasts I've got like a bunch like I'm the Mr.

Clean Wolverine for a sparkly clean murder scene you know look yeah you could have talked about you there's some light chuckles happening yeah

Actually

very, very light chuckles happening.

What else?

Give us another one of your jokes that you spent a year and five months writing.

I look like a Shrek Saber-Tooth teleporter accident, you you know.

Uh-huh.

All right.

I'm stressed.

I'm shedding.

I got low tea.

I look like Chewbacca on chemo.

Okay, here you go.

You look, you moved the crowd.

Oh, no.

I'm trying to help you here, Dusty.

You came out here thinking you were going to crush the old fucking king on his throne.

And here I am showing mercy on you, Dusty.

Here I am.

Here I am.

I see you.

I see you trying to cook up some things for this hairy balding.

I'm not cooking up anything.

There's no real point in making fun of somebody that, you know.

You're right.

Give it up for Bomb Marine.

Did he write that?

No, I know.

I'm sorry.

I actually, I fucked up.

I fucked up.

Tommy.

I fucked up.

Did he slide you a note?

Dusty, what do you do for work?

I'm a crossing guard over here, but I haven't.

You're a crossing guard?

Yeah.

Holy shit, dude.

This is amazing.

Oh, my God.

Did you graduate from high school?

Yeah, I got a Bachelor of Science in Applied Physics.

You graduated from college.

Worked for the big three, General Dynamics, Raytheon, Lockheed Martin.

What happened?

I don't like war.

Really?

That's incredible since you look like the guy from Platoon.

No, not Platoon.

Fucking.

God damn it.

Did he write that?

Oh, you son of a bitch.

It's the fucking wrong movie.

The fucking wrong movie.

Some time we slip off.

What's the fucking movie I'm trying to think of?

Full metal jacket.

Full metal jacket.

Full metal.

Full metal jacket.

Not fucking platoon.

Son of a bitch.

Did he say he liked porn?

That's why he got out of it.

I have no idea.

Red Bam.

And it becomes a crossing guard?

He wasn't like war, Red Band.

Yes, there you go.

Thank you, you, Redban.

So, Dusty,

I'm going to get you out of here super soon.

You gave up on all that.

You don't like war, but you do like being a crossing guard?

Well, I'm just doing minimal stuff to get on here, you know.

To get on here?

I thought I would kill, bro.

Oh,

boy.

All right, Dusty.

Well.

When you say minimal stuff, that means you're doing something other than being a crossing guard?

Yeah, I'm doing minimal like superintendent stuff around this like B cave place on Renton.

Do you have any jokes that aren't about the way you look or me?

Year and five months.

I want to hear one joke.

I'm going to give you a shot to do one quick joke.

It's kind of long, but everybody.

Forget it.

There's a new Titanic coming out.

It's not too good.

Forget it.

I'll keep it 30.

The Titanic is coming out soon, you know?

The what?

Yeah, the Titanic is being rebuilt, and it's better to stay off for launch.

And everybody's too focused on the worst day, the big tragedy, but no one focuses on the greatest day of shark life ever, bro.

Like, okay, here's a little joke book, Dusty.

Wow, amazing, even unfunny, all the way to the absolute last breath.

There you go, put the mic in the mic stand, Dusty.

There he goes, Dusty Keith.

I mean, how hard can you bomb?

That is incredible.

No bueno.

Juanita's about to eat him alive.

Alright, let's get a little palette cleanser in here.

Ladies and gentlemen, this guy, not a regular, not a golden ticket winner.

Just a fucking character that I like to throw in the mix every once in a while.

Some people love him.

Some people hate him.

One of the most polarizing figures in the history of the show.

But

as of last time he was on the show, we're watching him get better and better.

According to that, we'll see how it goes tonight.

Make some fucking noise for the one and only the return of Uncle Lazer.

We did it!

Tony Hinchcliffe did it!

He got Trump elected.

Boy, went all the way down to Namaskin Square Garden.

Okay.

Talked about at the Republican Party.

Talked about the Puerto Ricans.

Came back with a, what they call a tiny joke book.

That was crazy.

When I went up there and get a tiny joke book, listen.

I didn't know there was 500,000 Puerto Ricans in Pennsylvania.

I didn't know there was 500,000 Puerto Ricos in Puerto Rico, okay?

Island of trash, remember?

And I didn't watch the election.

I was worried.

It got a little hairy there for a minute, Tony, didn't it?

I mean, my God.

Only way I knew it was over, I saw Denhinchcliffe crawl out of Rogan's garage.

He saw this shadow that meant four more years of Trump, you know what I'm talking about.

Now listen here.

One man's trash is another man's treasure.

And I dated me a Puerto Rican there.

And let me tell y'all something.

UTI in Spanish is the same in English, okay?

She told me she had two pussies.

Well, that second one smelled like shit.

All right, Uncle Laser trying

being able to do what Dusty Keith could not.

I feel like if you're going to do it, do it clever.

Come at him in a.

I dated a Puerto Rican.

You said nothing I haven't seen in my Twitter mentions over the past two weeks.

Adorable.

Adorable.

21.

We're safe, though.

Yeah.

Yeah, we are.

How are you, Uncle Laser?

How's it going, bud?

Oh, it's all hitting him at once right now.

It's all hitting him at once.

He should have done the other minute.

He should have done the other minute that he had planned.

I mean, look, we had to go out to Puerto Rico.

No one talked about it.

I was like, we got to come out.

Somebody got to be the heel here.

Can I get a sip of beer, dude?

Thank you.

No, don't.

Laser.

Actually, I'm sober, dude.

You're what?

Sober.

Okay.

No one believes you.

Tell us about you.

This is two comedians in a row talking about me.

I love you.

You're good.

How are you, Uncle Lee?

I'm good.

Listen, I did this.

My hair.

Well, I went to the Halloween party there in L.A.

Where?

It was in L.A., Beverly Hills.

Okay.

I went to this little OnlyFans Halloween.

It was $10,000 first place.

for Halloween costume, you know, if you got the best costume.

It turns out, put a little eyeliner on bleach that hair not that far from joe exotic okay so

so i went after it right and i'm like i'm gonna get first place for sure but when i got there it's like only fans party and uh this couple was dressed up like uh avatar people they're in the blue and you know i like to connect with their tails you know in the movie this took a sealis because he was inside of her the entire party walking around and i and they put us on stage i'm got like second place and then the guy that threw the party with the pillow talk guy he he came out, and he's dressed like Gene Walter from Willy Wonka, and he got a couple midgets with him.

They're dressed like Oompa Loopas.

I said, this is cool, you know, and

they can sing out, you know, they come out singing a song.

Make the story a little longer.

Keep going.

Anyways, a platform came up, I know, where 14 butt-ass naked women come out of this platform.

They start fucking and blowing these midgets.

And I can show you the video.

I'm not even lying.

And I'm like,

have I taken too many drugs or not enough?

You know, because it wasn't just a song.

It was an hour and 45 minutes.

And I got third place.

And now I look like this.

Sober.

Too many drugs are not enough, but yet he's completely sober.

You don't even realize you confess your sins.

What's that on your arm?

What do you got there on your elbow?

I got the tennis elbow.

Really?

And which is retarded because I don't even like tennis.

You know what I'm saying?

Nah, I watched a goddamn Jake Paul and Mike Tyson fight, and

I bet my life savings on Mike Tyson, you know,

punched the fucking TV because he didn't even show up.

And

listen, I'm going to advocate for something, Tony, real quick, if you don't mind.

No, hold on, hold on.

Listen, I know he likes fighting them old men, okay?

And that's fine if you're into that.

I'm into old women, not a big deal.

But we need a good old American boy that ain't going to throw a fight for no $20,000 purse.

I get it, too.

I'd have looked like half an iron mic if they're gonna give me $20 million, but I need somebody that's not swayed by money, okay?

I need some good, hard-blooded American young man.

To do what?

To fight Jake Paul?

To fuck Jake Paul.

No, to fight Jake Paul.

So I brought a friend of mine out.

If you don't mind, he's gonna call him out on the national TV right here.

Okay.

You have a friend.

I got a friend.

Now, he just retired, but he got a full head of hair now.

And Jake Paul said he wanted to get an MMA.

Well, why fight Conor McGregor at 34?

Why not fight Cowboy Donald Cerrone at 42-year debate?

Oh, shit.

UFC legend, future UFC Hall of Famer, Cowboy Cerroni, ladies and gentlemen.

Fuck yeah.

One of the all-time greats.

48 fights under his belt.

UFC fucking legend, Cowboy Cerrone.

Welcome, cowboy.

Thank you, Austin.

I appreciate it.

Fuck yeah.

Is this true what I'm hearing?

Are you calling out Jake Paul right now?

I mean, if the guy wants to come to MMA, I'll gladly whip his fucking ass.

But I got...

Wow.

I am coming out of retirement.

I have two more fights in our contract.

So I want 50 UFC fights.

That's the number.

So I have two before july to get done and i'm gonna go out and give it hell and if jake wants to jump in line for the ass whipping train he can jump on and give me all the money that's out fuck yeah you heard it here

goddamn cowboy cerrone here in the capital of texas the baddest cowboy of them all

we're happy to have you here mr ceroni uh

An absolute pleasure, and I'm looking forward to Jake Paul's response here.

I know he's definitely not going to want to go UFC against you.

Would you be willing to go boxing with him?

No, I'm fucking terrible at boxing.

I have no head movement.

I need to take him down and with Monday.

I saw the McGregor fight.

I know.

You don't have to

goddamn it.

God damn it.

Well, cowboy, it is such an honor.

We've had some of the greatest UFC fighters ever do cameos and pop in on the show, and it's an honor to add you to the list.

Fuck you, Jake Paul.

Fuck you, Jake Paul.

Make some noise for Cowboy Cerrone and Uncle Laser everybody.

Come on Cowboy Cerrone.

Fucking legend.

You gotta pee?

Go pee.

It's okay.

Sean Gardini about to pee his little pansies.

I try to tell these guys, go pee before the show.

You have to pee?

You're doing good.

All right, your next comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted, right out of the bucket.

We're going to meet him together.

Make some noise for Edgar R.

Edgar R.

So I've been sober for about a year.

Thank you.

I don't really have much going on with my life, so getting off drugs is probably the best thing I've ever done so far.

But

I don't know if you could tell, but I used to smoke meth.

And

don't knock it before you try it.

Because once you try it, you can't knock it.

Yeah, I smoked way too much meth.

But

yeah, I was just really hanging out with the wrong crowd.

You know, just I was always at the trap house.

And just if you can imagine it, it's

you know, a dark, smoky room, not unlike this one.

And as you pan from left to right, you see

drug dealers, gangsters, homeless people.

And then there's me in the corner with an acoustic guitar, a smile on my face, asking if anyone has any song requests.

Did not fit in.

But

yeah, thanks to that.

I met my girlfriend online through it.

It was one of those apps.

It wasn't Bumble.

It wasn't Tinder.

It was.

Oh, Oh, yeah.

It was

an NA Zoom meeting for

ex-educts.

I heard that.

All right.

Edgar R.

Hello, Edgar.

Hi.

Hi.

Hello.

How's it going?

Pretty good.

So you did math?

Yes, I did.

A lot of it.

Okay.

How long did you do it for?

How old are you?

33.

You're 33.

How long were you on meth for?

Like seven years.

Wow, seven years.

Breaking brown.

What ethnicity are you?

I'm a Salvadorian.

El Salvadorian.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

Is that a thing with the El Salvadorians?

Oh, yeah.

They love math.

Oh, yeah.

You said it.

Yes.

Yes, sir.

I'm the poster child.

Wasn't me.

I don't fuck with these islands anymore.

Is it an island?

No.

Perfect.

I got myself on that one.

So seven years, how does it start?

How does a sweet little Edgar like you end up starting crystal meth?

You just hang around the right dive bar in San Fernando Valley.

You know,

just they'll offer it to you over the bar.

Okay.

Yeah.

So you were just at the

wrong bar.

The wrong bar.

I'm sorry.

I was talking about his outfit.

Oh, yeah.

Let's talk about it.

It looks like you just woke up in a lost and found box.

It is incredible.

You're dressed for the cold

and cold.

It's every season.

It really is.

This is absolutely incredible.

Do you wear hats like that a lot, Edgar?

Mostly for work and for fun.

Okay, mostly for fun.

I could see that.

I could see that.

You look like a sweet little labradoodle right now.

The old El Salvadorian labradoodle.

Yes, sir.

What do you do for work?

I'm a material handler for Tesla.

You work at Tesla?

Yeah.

Look at that.

Wow.

Do you think you still work for Tesla?

No.

Probably not after this.

It's okay.

Well, next week.

I got one more week.

You'll be fine.

Elon Musk doesn't like laying anybody off.

The good news is it's a short rocket trip back to El Salvador.

So, Edgar, you said you wear the hat for fun.

What do you like to do for fun?

It used to be drugs.

Now it's...

I play music and I try to do stand-up as much as I can.

How long have you been playing music for?

Like, longer than the meth.

Wow.

What do you do musically?

I play guitar, bass, drums, and piano.

I shouldn't have said that.

Which one do you do the best?

What was that?

What do you think you do the best?

Guitar and drums.

Okay,

let's do guitar.

Let's get that guitar up here.

We have a special guitar.

We're going to see if Edgar can play.

Wow, this was fast this time.

Great job.

How about a hand for our amazing production team here?

Yoni, Christy, Colt, Monica,

everybody.

Jesus, Josh, Aya, Heidi.

Okay, you ready?

Let's try to let him go on his own a little bit and then you guys join in whenever, but like, give him a little bit.

I want to see if this guy sinks or swims over here.

My guess is he swims.

Oh, yeah.

You better sing too, motherfucker.

You gotta sing.

What's going on?

All right.

Hold on.

Do you have anything?

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

There's hold on one second.

YouTube does a thing where they flag everything and they literally

all the money from this episode is going to go to Sublime if you continue to do what you're doing.

Do you have anything kind of original?

Can you do something?

Do you do anything that isn't covers?

Yeah, I got some originals.

I don't know if they're covering.

Well, here we go.

One, two, one, two.

La la la la la la bamba.

All right, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

I'm kidding.

Wait for the sign.

But are you not giving up?

Well, I give up

Cause I'm getting

it signals.

Cause I'm on my door, boy.

Well, I'm not for sure.

Cause I don't care

Anyway

You can go ever

All right, all right, I'm gonna stop you there that was that was good, that was good, that was good

John, that's enough, that's enough, you're killing it, John I liked liked his song better than the Sublime cover.

Yeah, no, I know.

That's true.

Matt Muelling, who only speaks once every four episodes, just made a really good point that your original was better than the Sublime cover.

Thank you.

Yeah.

There's the lovely Heidi to take your guitar away.

Thank you, Heidi.

Thank you, Ben.

Don't look at Heidi's ass like that, Edgar.

Jesus Christ, you could have watched it on YouTube.

You had to look like that, live, just like that.

Boy, you really are into instant gratification.

What are you a former meth head?

No, still current.

I love it.

It never goes away.

I love it.

Do you still get the urge to do meth sometimes that

no, I get more of an urge to sign up for Kiltoni.

How often do you sign up for Kill Tony?

Every week.

How long have you been doing that?

Since I moved to Texas in February, like I miss some days'cause I work

Monday.

Well, we don't do it on Sundays, so that's perfect that you miss Sundays.

Yeah.

What What do you mean?

No, I just meant like

I work a really intense schedule, so being here, I'm losing sleep.

Right.

Well, that's amazing.

So did you have fun?

Was it worth it?

Well, this is, yeah, this is, it finally paid off.

But I mean, it's not just for this one.

Thank you.

Yeah.

But.

Who do you think that is that Chris is drawing over there in the corner exactly?

Do you want to take a guess?

Is it that gay guy who's always showing up?

That is the correct answer.

It's the gay guy that's always showing up.

Stop it.

Is it him?

Look at that.

He took a little bit off your cheek because you completely.

He looked like me now.

He did.

He added some green.

He tried to take some of that cheek away.

Now you look like you have Bell's palsy.

It's just like a droopy.

That's red band.

If he would have just kept getting vaccinated, it was a couple.

You were a couple vaxes away from that, red band.

Look at that.

Oh, God.

I'd love it if your cheek drooped like that.

I love it.

Edgar, before we let you go, craziest thing we would be shocked to know about you other than the meth thing.

You ever have anything crazy happen?

You ever almost die, save somebody's life, anything crazy?

Yeah,

a lot of stuff.

But

yeah, I got my car.

I had a car rental when I was on meth, and I got jacked by some gangsters, and some other gangsters got my back, and we went at gunpoint to go get my car back.

Wow.

God damn.

God damn, Edgar.

You have a wild life, my friend.

Well, we are going to start you off with a little joke book.

Keep signing up.

Write a new minute and let's see what happens.

Make some noise for Edgar, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, we're getting there.

We're almost to the finish line.

This looks like a fun name.

I don't believe this person's been on before.

60 seconds uninterrupted to what I do believe will be your final bucket pull of the show.

Make some noise for Dela Stoner, everybody.

De la stoner.

Yo, what's going on, everybody?

Name's Dela Stoner.

I recently stopped smoking blunts.

I decided to start smoking joints now.

But it's weird though, whenever I hang out with some friends,

they'll pass me a blunt and I'll grab it and I'll look at it.

But like in my head, I don't want to smoke it.

So I just pass it back to them.

And so in my head, I'm thinking,

do they think I'm racist?

And it really doesn't help that my black friend is the one that's passing me the blunt.

And I was like, damn, I think he may think I'm racist.

The first time I told my mom that I smoked weed,

I thought she was going to be really happy about it.

And

it wasn't.

She started crying, and she told me, I wish you would have told me you were gay instead.

I was like, wow.

And then I had my aunt next to me, and she said, fuck yeah, Miko, I'm proud of you.

Thank you, guys.

My time.

Dayla Stoner.

You must have been high as shit when you wrote that material.

Yeah, I was high on some cheesecake when I wrote that one.

That's the type of marijuana where you were literally eating cheesecake.

It could be either one.

What is that on your hat?

The world wants to know.

Is that a weed grinder?

No, this is an empty dab bucket for anybody that smokes dabs.

Wow.

You are a true stoner.

And that is a joint behind your ear.

This is a joint, yep.

It's a real hemp on the tip as well.

Amazing.

And what is that inside of your necklace then?

This is fake dabs, so just

decorations.

So, this is your entire identity.

Your name is Dayla Stoner.

Your minute was all about smoking weed.

You're covered in paraphernalia.

I mean, this is incredible.

He's like a joint that fell on a barbershop floor.

What are you doing, Deez?

What the fuck are you doing?

The joints attached to the head.

I got the real one in the bag.

Oh, cool.

Don't.

And then you can't smoke his hat, Dee.

So dare I ask what you do for work?

I recently just quit my job this summer.

What was the job that you quit?

I worked for Kohl's call center.

Do customer service.

Kohl's the store?

Yeah, K-O-H-L-S?

Yeah, if you're calling for customer service, you were getting this guy hype.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

Just a bunch of moms like, I bought the wrong pant size for my husband's pants.

Do you have different pants?

You have no idea.

And you're like, fucking, listen, bitch.

I don't know what the fuck you want me to do.

Yeah.

I used to put people on hold just to hit the bong real quick and then go back to take a look.

Would you do that?

You did it from home?

Or did you, you, you would be, you worked at a Kohl's call center.

Yeah, after COVID, we went home.

Right.

I was smoking really hard.

So you quit that job.

Did you save up some money?

Uh, no, because I did content.

All right, I do content.

What kind of content?

Stoner content, comedy content.

On what?

TikTok, Instagram, Facebook.

You make money from that?

I make money from doing promos for like dispensaries and stuff.

Okay.

So you survive off that?

You still live with your family?

Oh, hell no.

No, you live by yourself.

I live with my girlfriend.

Okay, what does she do?

She works in collections in a call center.

Okay.

She also works in a call center.

Yeah.

Is she a big stoner as well?

Yes.

Right.

She's going to hate that I said that.

Why?

I mean, it would be crazy if she was sober.

Yeah, right.

And fucking you, covered in paraphernalia.

I would save so much weed.

Yeah, it seems like it.

Is it true that you don't smoke blunts anymore, or was that just all to be get to that racist joke?

No, I actually really did stop smoking blunts back in February.

By racist joke, I mean joke about him being a racist, not that it was a racist joke.

There's no such thing as a racist joke.

Just there's racial jokes, but by rule, if it's a joke, it can't possibly be racist.

Just a little something.

Just a little something to remember.

Unless it ends in the N-word.

Anyway,

Dayla Stoner.

So,

I mean, geez, what would we be surprised to know about you?

Is there any time you don't smoke weed?

Is there times where like you forgot to smoke weed

I don't really smoke in the morning because I'll eat like a 500 milligram the night before so I wake up still high

is that true are you exaggerating no yeah 500 milligram edible you'll eat before bed yeah and I'll just like have you just piss and shit all over yourself like what happens

I can't even fucking imagine what the fuck it's a lot of fun it's one of my favorite things to do when I'm not doing like content or comedy just to get really highlighted.

Say hunting?

Comedy or content?

Oh, comedy or content.

Yep.

Okay, so a 500 milligram edible.

So

if you do that, you don't have to smoke in the morning because you're still high from the night before.

So when do you typically have your first smoke of the day?

Right before I go to go get my girlfriend lunch.

You get your girlfriend lunch every day?

Since I'm not working, I just sleep and wake up high and I'm like, cool, I'll take a shower, still stoned.

And then whenever

she's in a shower, that's incredible.

That's actually shocking.

I'm a clean stoner sometimes.

That is amazing.

That is amazing.

So again,

has there ever been a time where you didn't smoke weed?

Yeah, before I was like 21.

What happens, do you think?

What would happen?

Let's just say you didn't do an edible tonight.

What would happen if you went tomorrow and just didn't smoke anything?

What do you think you would think about?

How do you think your day would be different?

Oh, I would definitely think about weed for sure if i wasn't gonna smoke

uh i wouldn't go nowhere because all my friends smoke weed and so i'm just like well you know what my girlfriend smokes too so i would just probably just chill in the car

all day

you just go to your car and sit in it chill yeah because i'll be tempted to smoke that would make you that anybody would want to smoke weed if they're just sitting in a car

that's probably the worst thing you could do yeah that's true i probably end up smoking yeah that's true there's nothing you could do to not smoke weed.

Red Ban.

How much a day do you spend on weed, would you say?

Well, since I do content, not as much anymore because they kind of just like give it to me.

Have you ever taken just like two or three days off to reset so you can spend like five bucks a day?

No, not at all.

Okay.

What?

Like I know so many people that smoke every day like hey I'm like go crazy all day.

If you just take a couple days off you reset your tolerance and then you could smoke one joint and be high as fuck.

Like I always wonder why people don't.

Have you ever thought about doing that with food?

God damn.

Let's check in with the picture of Brian Redband over there.

Oh, your eye got bigger.

Your right eye is now bigger.

It's drooping.

It's changing.

This is going to be the most famous piece of art in Kill Tony history, by the way.

I think we're going to be.

We're going to do.

Let's do a live auction after this.

Taking dick off for it, Dave.

No sound effect for you after that one.

Dayla Stoner, I implore you.

You got to fucking...

I want to hear jokes about things other than just weed.

Like, it's cool and all, but you got to have some versatility.

You know what I mean?

Like, you got to have some range and stuff.

So definitely work on that herd.

Thank you.

Do not.

Use this as rolling papers.

There's a little joke book.

Makes noise for Dayla Stoner, ladies and gentlemen.

Alright.

This is it.

This is the part of the show that I mean, this is it.

This has been a full episode.

We've done it.

We've ran it.

This is the part where I see the audience looking around, tapping their loved ones, making eye contact, because this is...

the only way to possibly end an episode like this.

It is with the record holder for all-time appearances, all-time interviews on this show.

The man has done it all.

Every single week, writing and performing a new minute for over, long over half a decade.

You know his parents.

You know his brothers.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Virginia ham,

the Delaware donkey,

the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla.

This is the big red machine, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

I watched the Jake Paul-Mike Tyson fight this past weekend.

And say what you will about Jake Paul, but the guy works hard.

I mean, seriously, he already has another Netflix event scheduled for May, but this time it's a one-on-one basketball.

First of 20 wins 10 million, and his opponent is none other than Kobe Bryant.

This is my impression of an alien outing themselves.

Shit, fuck.

Let me do that one more time.

Let me start that one more time.

This is my impression of an alien outing themselves as an alien.

Doctor, I have a hairache.

Okay, I heard,

you know, like a person would say headache maybe, but an alien wouldn't know exactly what to say.

I heard,

I heard Santa might come early this year.

The bad news, Boeing built his sleigh.

Okay, that's my time.

Thank you.

Fantastic.

So silly.

So William Montgomery.

Right down the barrel.

Boeing might build his sleigh.

St.

Nicholas Wicks, just,

you know, you have grown into quite the specialist.

Topical, evergreen.

These jokes, some of them will work forever.

Was that a little chimpanzee?

And like, it's Tony.

It sounded like that lady was against you.

It sounded like there's a lady over there that doesn't like you.

Lady, show yourself.

Oh, no.

Who was that?

Who laughed like that?

Raise your hand.

We have a little coward out there, William.

Yeah, we got a little fucking bitch out there.

Yeah, bitch.

I mean, seriously.

What do you think?

It's fucking easy yet, Tony.

It's it's my six-year anniversary is in a couple of weeks.

It's in December.

Being on the show.

So yeah, bitch, that's every fucking week almost for six fucking years.

Yeah.

You probably have never done anything in your life for six years, bitch.

That is the basic equivalent, basically, of six one-hour specials.

I mean, if you count the interview, which usually runs probably about six to eight minutes, I mean, one could almost say say that that's fucking like basic.

What's your take on that, Red Band?

Do you agree?

One-hour specials.

What do you think, Red Band?

I think you write more comedy than any comedian in the world.

No, yeah!

I think.

Sometimes it's a disaster.

I don't know if you noticed.

I don't know if you noticed.

He said he thinks you've read comedy more than anybody in the world, meaning that you look off a note card.

You didn't say red?

No.

Oh.

Good monitors and audio issues up here.

Because, yeah, we actually ate dinner together last night, so I would be very offended if you tried to come in my dress.

Did you get fucking ass right now?

I bought dessert for you guys.

Did you know that?

Did he tell you that?

Yes.

Oh, my gosh.

It was a wonderful bananas foster.

And they lit it on fire in front of us.

Yeah, it was great.

Great people over there let me know that you guys were there.

I said, let me buy them dessert.

So literally the least I could do.

Well, Red Band told me.

There was a moment there where

I'm like, maybe I should pick up the whole tab for these guys.

But they said that there was another couple couple there, and I don't know if they're fucking haters or not.

And then I found out, yeah, it's two of my other best friends.

And I wish that I would have.

But I didn't want any fucking.

I don't know if you guys are hanging out with fucking libtards over there.

I know you guys are a little bit.

Tony, you got to come with us next time.

Would you?

Are you inviting me?

Are you with us next time?

Are you inviting me today?

Yes, I'd love to.

Are you invited to do it?

You really want to.

It's been a little while.

We need to.

How many of you think I should have dinner with these guys next time?

Seriously?

I freaking invite his ass to church every fucking Sunday.

He doesn't come to church with me on Sunday.

What do you do at church exactly?

Hallelujah.

A bunch of that.

Such a hallelujah.

Yeah, I grew up in a Pentecostal, an episode, Pentecostal church.

I grew up with speaking in tongues.

Can you give us an example of the tongues that you speak in?

keep going keep going

a la poo uh uh

no i don't feel it right now okay you don't feel i feel in a good mood but i don't feel it right now because i've been in a kind of a crummy mood recently tell us more about this crummy mood you've been oh well i think it does start is that what is funny sir

Like it's not fun feeling down.

Do you ever feel down?

Every day.

Seriously?

Yes.

Is it because you're gay?

No, I'm kidding.

Wow.

I just like drag shows, and you look like somebody before they dress into the woman.

Like you look like.

Because I can tell you'd be a good-looking woman if you did dress up in drag.

I can tell you'd probably be a hot woman.

You're right.

So that was actually a compliment.

It really was.

Okay.

I got a compliment for you.

Huh?

I got a compliment for you.

Okay.

How tall are you

I don't know six foot six foot yeah

I wish I was six feet

and every inch of me looked like like like

the hue of a pig's asshole

hold on

hold on

Just another arrow.

I thought we were done.

I thought we were done.

I was smiling at you.

It's fucking a random shot.

I don't know why you took a shot at me.

Everything's fine.

I just said.

Why took a shot at you?

Because, Tony, why I haven't been feeling about, well, you would be proud of me if you understood Call of Duty.

And I know you don't, and that's smart that you don't.

But Tony, I've almost have diamond camouflage on 15 of my weapons right now.

Wow, that's amazing, really.

Diamond camouflage, 15 weapons.

It's kind of a big deal.

I've been playing so much.

How close are you to diamond camouflage?

Huh?

You almost have it?

Is that what you said?

I have it on 15 of my weapons right now, so it's kind of a...

Oh, I don't understand anything that you're saying.

It's a big deal.

Have you beaten the game yet?

No, it's like there's no beating a game.

There's no end to the game.

Yeah, you just play online and you, yeah, you can play forever.

Wow.

So the war just goes on forever.

What is this?

The Biden administration?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I can hear your complaints already.

Oh, he's political now.

Trump said he doesn't even know him.

Yeah, he had to say that, didn't he?

Didn't he have to say that?

Oh, we won.

Anyway,

no big deal.

Are we good with that thing, Christy?

Okay, ladies and gentlemen, William, I want you to stay up here because I want you to do something we've never done before in the show's history.

Because, you know, sometimes, I'm going to be honest with you, sometimes we do this show every week.

Sometimes I don't even, I forget to shout out Chris.

Sometimes I don't even notice he's painting.

There's so much going on.

But tonight has been a special night, hasn't it, Red Band?

It's been a real special night.

And William, for the first time ever, you know, this show is wild.

It's very improvised.

I want you to be an auctioneer for the first time ever.

Chris, come out here.

Chris Rogers, local artist.

Wow, look at this wildebeest.

Wildebeest of a painting.

Oh, Brian, you look beautiful.

It literally does look just like red band.

I'm making jokes.

There's no right way to paint a red band.

It is a tough face.

It changes a lot.

It's very round.

Is that what you think that looks like?

Okay.

Can we turn up house lights just a little bit?

Can you give it that red tinge for my stand-up?

There it is.

All right, so here's here's what we're going to do.

You actually have to have the money that you bid.

You have to be honest about it.

No lies.

And William, why don't you start it?

The bidding it.

Do I hear $50?

$50.

There's a lot of 50s.

Do I hear 75?

Do I hear 75?

Do I hear 100?

Do I hear 100?

Do I hear 150?

Again,

again, you actually have to have the money.

Do you 50?

Do I hear 250?

Keep going, William.

If they say, 300, I have 300.

I think someone's bidding up on the balcony.

300, 300, 300.

350, 350, 350.

Okay, keep going higher.

400, 400, 400.

Wow.

400, 400.

Keep going fucking William.

450.

450, 450.

Welcome to the world's worst office.

450.

Wait for it.

You have to keep going higher, William.

450.

500.

500.

I'm going to help you.

500.

500.

There's somebody at the top.

500.

550.

Wait, is that Cowboy Cerroni?

Bid 600.

Holy shit.

600.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Is there anyone going to top?

Who's going up against Cowboy Cerroni in here?

600.

We got a 650.

All the men just crawled into the fetal position.

They just got alpha by a man in the tower over here.

Whoa, 650.

Holy shit.

We have a true fan.

This guy wants something to be able to hang on his bedroom wall so that when he's about to come too fast, he can glance at it.

This picture of red band, nothing will stop you from coming, like thinking about this beautiful face of the man that I've worked with for almost

18 years.

Okay.

650.

Does anyone want to top 650?

No way.

Oh my God.

Cowboy just said seven.

Who said a thousand?

You have a thousand?

Jesus Josh just bet a thousand.

A thousand.

Oh my God.

This is incredible.

A thousand.

Oh my God.

1,000.

Are you going to compete with 1,000?

Can't compete.

Cowboy's out.

It's not worth 1,000.

Wait, there's somebody who's got it.

1,000.

1,100?

1,100 right now

1500 Jesus Christ says

this is amazing by the way just to let you know Chris we're giving 20% of tonight's donations to the landfills in Puerto Rico just a heads up

They have a serious landfill problem for over a decade.

I'm one of the only people in the world that knew about it up until three weeks ago.

Thank you very much.

1,500.

Anybody want to top 1,500?

You'll be a legend.

You'll get a shot.

What?

Oh my God.

2,000.

Holy shit.

Out of nowhere.

2,000 out of nowhere.

Oh, my God.

What's your name, sir?

Eli has bet 2,000.

Oh, my God.

Jesus Josh is out.

Okay.

Jesus Josh is the guy that takes care of D madness.

I guess he's clearly been stealing money from D's wallet.

Red Band's gonna sign.

Are you sure you have 2,000?

Eli, you're a hero.

Is there anything you want to give a shout out to or anything?

Okay.

A man of mystery.

Anybody going to beat 2,000?

Going once, going twice.

This is, I do believe, $200, no, $400

going to Puerto Rican landfills.

$2,000 total

sold to the great Eli for $2,000

Wow

How about a hand for Chris Rogers red band being a great sport the legend killer William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen and we did it

how about a ham for Tommy Pope Check out Stuff Island with his co-host Chris O'Connor.

One more time for the great Sean Gardini

He's on tour Cleveland Buffalo Baltimore, Tampa.

SeanGardini.com.

These are the dogs.

The drawing from Ryan J.

E.

Belt is in.

This is what it looks like.

Thank you to Zippix and ExpressVPN.

Here's some amazing Zippix nicotine toothpicks.

We want to thank you, Zippix.

This episode is indeed sponsored by Zippix.

Who won some?

These are great on airplanes and whatnot.

They are an amazing sponsor.

We absolutely love them.

Shout out one more time for the great cowboy Cerroni challenging Jake Paul tonight.

Martin Phillips, Cam Patterson, William Montgomery.

We did it again, everybody.

How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Our guests, the comedy mothership, business is booming.

Big announcements coming.

Make sure you buckle up and get ready for the HEB Center.

Two sold-out arenas.

Two sold-out arenas at the end of the year.

That stream is going up for sale.

If it's not already very soon, you could buy the weekend package.

Little Christmas gift for those of you

that love your husbands or boyfriends.

Get them the two-night New Year's Eve package.

Red Man?

Check out Jet's Pizza.

It's way better than Papa John's.

Thank you.

Wow.

Thank you, everybody.

We love you.

Good night.

God bless Texas and God bless the United States of America.

Thank you.

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