#693 - JEFF DYE + RICK GLASSMAN

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode?

This is gonna be a fun one.

These are two guys that I've worked with for literally 17 goddamn years at the comedy store all around LA and all around the country.

Make some noise for two of my favorite comedians, Rick Glassman and Jeff Dye.

Yeah, baby.

Rick Glassman.

Jeff Dye.

We're going to have some fun tonight.

Very, very excited about this.

The boys are back in town.

Hello.

Welcome.

Good evening.

Hi, Rick Glassman.

A little.

He's very silly, folks.

Get ready for the silliness of Rick Lassman.

He's a wild little boy, very goofy.

I'm prepping them for you.

Yeah.

Thanks.

It really, really takes the air out of it when you say that.

It's like my girlfriend's parents in high school.

He's a nice guy.

How about a hand for Jeff Dye, ladies and gentlemen?

He's here.

Thank you.

Thanks for having me, brother.

We're going to have fun.

You guys have both been on this show before.

You know how it works.

over 226 comedians signed up tonight in this bucket they are lined up at a bar across the street if i pull one of their names out

how about a hand to the lovely heidi everybody isn't it great the sausage fest that we have here it's nice to have some fucking meat sauce in the mix

I don't know if that makes any sense.

Meat sauce and sausage doesn't really mix well together.

Some peppers.

Some spicy peppers up here with all the sausage.

Anyway, if I pull their name out of the bucket, we wrangle them from across the street.

And they get 60 seconds on this stage uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them.

And the first name is pulled.

I conduct an interview with them.

We find out more about them.

Anything can happen.

Stars are born on this show.

Giant embarrassments happen on this show.

The whole thing's improvised.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode?

Well, let the fun begin, ladies and gentlemen.

This has been a big, crazy week.

There has been a lot that has happened.

A presidential week, a presidential election, a lot of fun stuff happening.

And there's a lot of talk about immigration and our borders and becoming a citizen here in the United States of America.

But I can damn well guarantee that after this long week that we've had, that this first comedian doing a minute for you tonight will indeed become a citizen of the United States of America.

Ladies and gentlemen, to start tonight's show, I present to you a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin.

This is Ari Matty.

Hello.

Any ladies here on OnlyFans?

If you're not on OnlyFans, you are stupid.

It's free money.

Upload that pussy.

Sometimes I see a homeless lady on 6th Street.

I'm like, lady,

you don't need to be here.

You're sitting on oil, lady.

Upload that pussy.

I have a friend, he's dating one of those OnlyFans girls, and when they started dating, he made her quit OnlyFans.

And he's one of those crypto, yeah, the future.

Now they're in a one-bedroom apartment with two cats.

What an idiot.

Dude, if I ever get a wife,

a wife, kids, I don't give a fuck.

Every pussy in this household is going online.

Stand still, baby girl.

We need a new kitchen.

I'm like the Vince McMahon of pussy.

This is a family business.

Thank you very much.

Ari Maddie, showing us how it's done.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, Ari.

What's up, my friend?

Happy you're alive.

Me too.

Me too.

Fun week, huh?

How's it affected you?

How do you feel about it?

Well, I'm a bit nervous about these immigration comments.

Hey, Mr.

Donald, I'm white.

Please, mister, remember,

I'm coming from the other side of the border.

You have a good face for immigration.

It is true.

Are you genuinely concerned or you feel good about things?

Well, yeah, I mean, they're all saying get him out and there's a new guy and, you know, like.

I mean, you're kind of like a...

You didn't, like, come across a border or anything, right?

You just flew in.

Yeah.

Passports were checked.

Yeah.

Well, when you hit that note, I don't know if it's believable.

That's fun.

Do you have any friends that are concerned?

Are there a lot of Estonian?

No, I'm the only one here, so.

Okay, perfect.

And keep the rest out.

As soon as I get in here, close up the border, Donald.

We're fucking full.

Fuck off, we're full.

Talked a lot about OnlyFans during your set.

Do you subscribe to anybody's OnlyFans?

I actually...

I do.

Some pussy is so cheap there.

It's crazy.

It's like $2.95 with the weekend special.

You're like, what the fuck?

At that point, as a lady, aren't you offended that your pussy is cheaper than a Snickers bar?

And you can subscribe, jack off, cancel, free.

You got behooval, bitch.

Only fans is something, because it makes you pay.

You can't get what you want on free porn sites.

Yeah, but there's that excitement.

You see what I mean?

Anyway.

Ari, a fantastic setup.

I tried my first Twinkie yesterday.

Your first Twinkie?

First Twinkie.

Oh, okay.

Not the cake.

Not the

Twinkie.

Yeah, Red Band tried to make it a kindergarten fucking joke.

The thing with the cream.

Yeah,

how did you feel about your first Twinkie?

I see why you guys are fat.

Yeah.

What a cute name for a heinous result.

You know what I'm saying?

It really is.

Twinkie black.

I'm pretty sure RFK Jr.

is about to label it with fentanyl.

I don't think Twinkies are going to be that available in the very near future, Jeff.

Are you talking about actual Twinkies?

Twinkie.

It's the cream that's in the middle.

It's a hell of an adjustment.

Only fans this, and then a fucking Twinkie joke.

Yeah, straightened to a thick.

I thought it was like something I didn't know from like porn or something.

You're just talking about actual Twinkies.

Actual Twinkie.

I tried it yesterday.

Yeah.

Apparently, a big thing.

What made you try it?

A black guy offered it to me.

A black guy?

Yeah.

A black.

Hey, what up, one a Twinkie?

Yeah.

How did this happen?

Anything a black man offers, I accept.

Wow.

Been there.

I got three words for this room, and that is upload that pussy.

Oh, man.

That's right.

That is correct.

Ari Maddie, you've done it again.

Another amazing new minute.

Donald Trump!

Make some fucking noise for Ari Maddie, ladies and gentlemen.

And now things get wild because we are going to meet someone together.

Perhaps they've been on before.

Perhaps it's the first time.

This is a very common name.

So it could be either or on this one.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise.

One minute, uninterrupted, as we meet them all together.

It is Carlos Lopez, everybody.

Make some noise for Carlos Lopez.

Oh, we know Carlos.

Look at this.

It's that Carlos Lopez.

Howdy.

So I had some pipes break in my house this last freeze.

I went down to the hardware store to grab some parts.

And when I walk in, the first employee I find is trans.

I don't want to be a fucking bigot.

So I treat them like anyone else and ask for help.

They then ask me if the parts I need are male or female.

Me being a smart ass, I'm like, well,

what are the other options?

They them said,

buddy, don't get me started.

You think your plumbing's fucked up?

My dick's in a jar.

Thank you.

Wow.

Carlos Lopez.

I fucking love it.

Congratulations.

A rock solid minute.

What is this?

Your third time on the show?

Yes, sir.

Number three.

It is incredible.

And you just started a few months ago, right?

Correct.

Yes, sir.

Amazing.

I hear you.

Fantastic.

You're goddamn right.

I remember it well.

You made me a belt buckle.

I sure did.

Hell yeah.

I wore it on the Brady Roast.

That's awesome.

I love to hear that.

Fuck yeah.

Good to see you, Carlos.

It's a big ass baller ass belt buckle.

It's got my name on it.

You look like a fucking baller really.

It's fucking so cool.

Carlos, how's life been treating you?

Man, it's been wild learning comedy.

Yeah.

Learning to crawl before I could even walk.

That's right.

I know they don't recommend everybody come up here their first time, and I understand why now, you know, get off for shows and stuff.

And so I've just been trying to catch my pace, you know, figure it out.

Yeah, fantastic.

So you've been doing a lot of work, a lot of open mics.

Yes, sir, yes, sir.

And you drive trucks for a living?

I haul horses for a living, yes, sir.

You haul horses for a living.

Absolutely.

Hell yeah.

Hell yeah.

I know one horse that's getting hauled out of D.C.

in a couple months.

Oh, shit.

Anyway, how has this election affected you, Carlos Lopez?

You seem like the kind of guy that fucking voted four times in different states.

Our border is going to get a little bit safer.

I'm from the border, so I'm happy about that.

Oh, yeah, that's good for you, right?

Oh, yeah.

Even though your name's Carlos Lopez, you're excited about this.

It's my type of Carlos.

Hell yeah.

I'm Mexican the same way I have a big dick.

For some people, it's too much.

Wait.

I'll say it.

And I know this is on me.

I know this is on me.

I don't understand, and I really want to.

Could you say it differently?

You're Mexican, like you have a big dick, and then you said something else about,

you remind me of the, have you been on Shark Tank?

Have I been to Shark Tank?

Have you guys seen the Shark Tank where the guy's like watering trees?

And they're like, why don't you charge $10?

And he's like, because we're talking about farmers.

And they all start crying.

Oh, yeah.

You got that kind of dick energy, dude.

Yeah.

Or just energy.

Yeah.

It could be, is it too much?

Because some people it is.

No, it's fantastic.

That's part of it.

It's great, Carlos.

Indeed.

So you're saying you do have a big dick?

Right.

For some people.

That makes sense.

Not for this panel.

That's a great answer.

Yeah.

I'll suck my dick.

Yeah, I is.

Because of the type of audience that this is.

Absolutely.

That'll be the last time I yes and any improv with Rick Kunk.

You went into my dick.

It wasn't like I shoved your fucking head down your credit.

You can't suck my dick in and be like, Rick sucks.

I'm just happy I'm not the gay one for a change.

Very aggressive.

So, Carlos, what else is going on?

What have you been doing for fun in your life?

Tell us the life of a horse-hauling country boy.

Man, he's been out here hauling horses and causing divorces.

You know,

this guy's a fucking machine.

The man is a machine.

What's your love life like, Carlos?

You're out there hauling that horse cock around.

No, I got a beautiful girlfriend at home.

You do?

Yes, sir.

What does she do for a living?

She works for a law firm

doing law stuff.

Yeah, that sounds about right.

That's the kind of answer only a horse hauler could give.

He said you made him a belt buckle.

How does that work?

You make belt buckle?

I had a belt buckle, man.

I got a belt buckle guy that makes belt buckles.

That's some real fucking.

It's some Texas.

No, no, he does that.

You should just do that.

Yeah, they don't do that in LA.

No one's like, hey, thank you for the opportunity.

I got you a gift.

In LA, they're like, what about me?

I want more.

Here, it's like, hey, thank you.

He was a real fucking class act, a real gentleman about it.

Again, it's a badass belt buckle.

Anyway.

It's just

things dudes with huge cocks do for other people.

I predict as Tony gets more and more successful that the belt will get larger and larger.

It is.

Between your ego and your love of wrestling, it's going to be a fucking huge belt.

It's true.

It's going to be crown jewel size belt for sure.

No doubt about it.

I actually, I can't fit in the door with the one that I have prepared for 2025 right now.

Carlos Lopez, amazing stuff.

You are,

you're doing a great fucking job, man.

You have a natural swag or two.

your delivery is incredible.

You're a real fucking gentleman and a class act.

Appreciate that.

Great stuff, Carlos.

There he goes, Carlos Lopez.

Thank you.

And it goes on and on.

Oh, yeah, the Mexicans know what's up.

Those

these horn players, they got their favorites.

That is true.

That is true.

Bias Mexican music you're listening to.

I think it's about to switch to white, ladies and gentlemen, by the looks of this name.

Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut.

I'd remember this name if I've seen it before.

Of Maverick McWilliams, everybody.

Maverick McWilliams.

Hello.

Oh, my gosh.

I was on the way here.

I was talking to one of my best friends.

Boys, you know what it's like?

When you have a guy best friend, just the biggest piece of shit you know, right?

Like you'd never let him date your daughter, but you'd fucking die for him, right?

He was on the way here.

He was like, what are you doing, man?

I'm like, going to see a show?

He goes, oh, nice, man.

What band you going to see?

I was like, no, it's like, it's a comedy show.

He goes, oh, you're fucked.

You're still doing that bullshit?

I was like, do you need something?

He goes, yeah, quick question.

What's the gayest thing you've done lately?

And I was like, I don't know what Alex told you, but he's a fucking liar.

It was cold on that camping trip, and I don't give a fuck if it was in July, all right?

We had to cuddle for warmth, okay?

And it got me thinking, man.

I was like, what is the gayest thing I do?

And it's definitely fucking put on chapstick blue eyes uh

think about it dude you can't look assertive putting on fucking chapstick you can't be at a goddamn mechanic shop hey i said i'm not paying a goddamn dime over 1500 for this transmission you quote me at 2000 fuck that button up i'll do it my goddamn self

let's go asshole put it in

thank you

all right maverick mcwilliams how's it going maverick good tonight how are you is that your real name?

From birth.

Yeah.

Wow, that's a real fucking...

That's a real name.

Maverick McWilliams.

Yeah.

Hell yeah.

What else do you do in life with a name like Maverick?

Well, I've kind of a weird life, man.

I'm a failed child actor.

That's...

Ooh.

Yeah, I don't...

Ooh, what the fuck?

I love it.

Like, ooh, failed dreams.

We love that around here.

Were you on anything we'd remember?

Yeah, I got my SAD card when I was like 10.

Yeah, I was in the Spy Next Door with Jackie Chan.

The what?

The Spy Next Door?

Spy Next Door?

Yeah, I was was on Netflix.

I got a credit.

What's up, doggies on the okay?

What else?

What else?

Spy next door?

A couple national commercials, and then the housing crisis hit in 08, and I had to move back to New Mexico.

Oh, did you have a good time?

Hold on.

Stop responding to every noise that the crowd makes, Maverick.

We're up here, Maverick.

Yeah.

My dad was a contractor in New Mexico, and that's kind of what kept me and my mom in L.A.

doing that.

And then once his construction business went under, I had to move home and be a normal kid, you know?

So you were in L.A.?

Yep.

Housing crisis hits, and you go to New Mexico.

Yeah, where I'm from.

So you, how soon after Spy Next Door was that?

This is how fucked up it is.

That was the last audition I went on, and it filmed in Rio Rancho, New Mexico.

And so they were like, hey, you're already fucking head there, dude.

Might as well, you know, say a couple lines for us when you get there.

So it was kind of weird.

Did you think to do any background in Breaking Bad?

No, but I have a lot of cousins who do meth.

So I got a

got a lot of I got a lot of expertise in that shit was happening right there.

They were filming right there the one of the biggest shows of all time.

You never

know, I mean, I mean, when that was all filming, I didn't really have an interest in it.

I rode in like high school and college, and then I was in the military.

I'm a welder and a pipe fit.

I just had like a lot of weird shit going on.

Hey, sorry.

How about that?

Sorry, bro.

A lot of man stuff there.

Welding, pipe fitting, rodeo.

What else?

Tell us more about the wildlife of Maverick McWilliams.

Well, I was backstage about to go on, and I heard you talking to Carlos about his buckle.

I make like leather stuff, like belts, wallets, things like that.

Cool.

What else?

Jesus Christ.

Well, my social is.

No, he means like, because you said things like that.

What else with leather?

Oh, so, yeah.

So belts, wallets.

No, no, no.

What else with leather?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I don't know.

Roar!

Not a surprise.

I hunt.

I just killed a 10-point the other day in Oklahoma.

That was pretty cool.

Okay.

Yeah.

Okay.

So you're a real man.

You guys hate that 10-point, huh?

You drive a truck, Maverick?

Right now I do.

It's a smaller truck.

It's a Tacoma, but yeah.

Okay, a Toyota.

Well, I've always driven like full-size trucks.

And then when I started doing more comedy on the road and stuff like that,

I want to use something that had better gas mileage, but something I can still kind of hunt with, you know?

Okay.

Stopped acting.

Right.

Yeah.

Maybe you should start acting like you could afford a better car and it'll come to you.

Oh man.

What's your love life like, Maverick McWilliams?

You have the name of a porn star.

I have a girlfriend.

She's in med school right now in Oklahoma.

She's awesome.

And we've been together for about a year, so it's going well.

Okay.

What's her Instagram handle?

Daddy wants to take a look.

Yeah, it's Miss Glassman.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, whoa, hey.

Hey, you go talk to the panel like that.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what to do.

And you ignore them.

Sorry, Tony.

Go ahead, bud.

You're the man.

Thank you, Rick.

My buddy old pal, Rick.

We are doing it tonight.

Oh, man.

So, Maverick, tell us what made you start stand-up.

How long you been doing it?

I've been doing it eight years.

Wow.

Yeah.

All in New Mexico?

No, New Mexico, Oklahoma, then here.

And I just moved back to Oklahoma.

So you went back?

What would make you move from here to Oklahoma?

You're going to fucking hate me when I tell you this.

I'm joining the fire department here.

You've joined the fire department.

I'm in the process of joining the fire department here, and it's a six-month academy, and it's really rigorous, and I won't have time to go back home to see my family.

So, for the holidays and stuff, to see my girlfriend, my dad, I just thought I might spend the last bit of the year.

The academy will start like early next year.

So, they're in Oklahoma.

Yes.

Yeah.

Your girlfriend's in Oklahoma.

Yes.

Your dad moved from New Mexico to Oklahoma?

He's from there originally, but yeah, when him and my mom got divorced, he moved back to Oklahoma.

Okay.

When did him and your mom get divorced?

I was about 13.

You were 13?

Yes.

That makes sense.

And what made them get divorced?

Did you ever figure it out?

You know,

I don't want a name drop here, but

I was...

Just do it.

Do it.

I opened for Josh Wolfe in Oklahoma City, and he asked me the same question, and I think, I mean, they just got married young, got married right out of college.

I think they were just two different people.

So they never told you.

No, I don't.

I don't know nothing, dude.

How long have you been with this girlfriend of yours?

About a year.

Okay, you have any special moves in the bedroom, Maverick?

Just try my fucking hardest.

That's it.

What do you do?

What's like when you say

great answer, Maverick.

The people love you.

When you say you try your hardest, what exactly does that enjoy?

We'll take it from here.

Okay.

You know, only 86% of women could orgasm penetratively.

Less than that.

Come on.

What are we talking about?

Buddy.

No, it ain't.

You know what?

Go ahead.

I'm sure we want to hear from this guy.

Mr.

Let's Go asshole.

Let's put it in.

The other guy got hauling horses, getting divorces, and upload that pussy.

And you have, let's go, asshole, let's put it in.

You ain't affording a full-size SUV.

Tony, I'm sorry, you're the man.

Let's go back to your, let's go back to the question I asked three and a half minutes ago.

I'm sorry.

What does that entail?

Over here, Rick, over here.

That's one of those, this is one of those moments.

It just entails, you know, just, you know, be a giver, you know, just make sure they're taken care of, I guess.

I should be fucking pissed if I was talking about this on the biggest podcast in the world.

That's why it's exciting.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's uh, I'm actually, I'm not good at sex, actually.

That's what we probably should have said right off the bat.

When you say you're not good at it, can you give us an example of what you mean?

The fastest fuck you've ever seen.

Amazing.

Is there anything you try to think of to not be so fast?

Is there any tricks to trying to last longer?

Have you attempted at all to try to last longer?

No, not at all.

I don't.

Yeah, it's just

incredible.

Because when you try, you can fail, and I don't want to fail her twice in a night.

So, yeah.

There you go

I love that Maverick McWilliams you're a funny guy welcome to the show there's a big joke book thank you thank you some real handmade leather from the great bones eye

he could have made one himself since he's a leather making pipe fitting welding everything guy

We have a special treat for you right now, ladies and gentlemen.

The brand newest Netflix special debuts at midnight tonight.

It is called The Dark Queen.

And the Dark Queen herself is here to grace us with her presence, here

to do a little bit of stand-up comedy.

Ladies and gentlemen, she's been a guest on this show before.

Here to just flex on us a little bit, make some goddamn noise for the great and powerful.

Adriania Palucci, everybody.

Make some fucking noise for Adrian.

Oh my God, thank you.

How are you doing?

All right.

Yeah.

My friend told me a statistic the other day that every minute a woman dies from breast cancer, which is crazy when you think about it because the lines for the women's bathrooms are still so long.

You're like, hurry up, survivors.

Some of us have to pee.

Now, look, I have no idea what's going on in the Middle East, which is why I feel like I'm the best person to talk about it.

I want Palestine to be happy.

I do.

I just, I don't know how to do that.

I think they want all of Palestine or like from the window to the wall.

I don't know the rest of the joke, but

I don't know.

No, I do.

I want that to be.

Has anyone like even tried to give Palestine casinos?

no like look how well it worked for us then

the Native Americans are so happy

they they love it here

maybe we can name some like racist teams after them the Palestinian paragliders

That's just like one.

I don't

know.

No.

I think Hamas wants to kill the Jews, but they are just limiting it to Israel, which is not like the best way to get your genocide going.

Just doing it very grassroots.

But if you think about it like that, it kind of just proves it has nothing to really do with the Jews at all.

It's just that area of land.

Whoever lives there, they'll never get along.

You know, if Asian people live there, they'd also not like the Asian people.

And I know that firsthand because I've lived in the Bronx

my whole life, and I hate Puerto Ricans.

What I would like to propose is a little exchange program where we send the Puerto Ricans to Israel.

And then we send the Jews to the Bronx, and you'll see how quickly the Palestinians beg for the Jews to come back.

This music is on all night long.

Obviously that's a joke.

I date almost exclusively Hispanic guys.

Like if you look throughout my dating history, it looks like I'm trying to start my own baseball league.

All right, that's all I'm doing.

Adriania Palucci, ladies and gentlemen, the newest special on Netflix, the Dark Queen.

Adrian, thank you so much.

We love you.

Thank you guys for having me.

Make some fucking noise for Adriania Pelucci.

Just people dropping in, fucking crushing.

No big deal.

Just the newest Netflix special.

All right, back to the bucket we go.

Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Going to Rock Turner.

Rock is next.

Make some noise for Rock, everybody.

Hey, I'm autistic and have ADHD.

Great.

Yeah, I wish I had you guys in school.

You could have popped up anytime I said something inappropriate.

You're like, yay, autism.

We would have confused the shit out of the bullies.

but I was just odd and I did unpredictable things.

Like, you ever been watching a movie and they randomly break out into song and dance, and you're like, this is a weird remake of training day.

Yeah, that's what it's like hanging out with me.

Any random bit of lyric that I hear will set me off.

And the tism doesn't keep track of who's been canceled.

So you could go up to me and be like, I believe.

And I will cut you off.

Like, I can fly

I believe I can touch the sky

yeah that's about the reaction that I normally get

Tony

okay 57 seconds from Rock Turner

autistic and ADHD

and You don't need to keep clapping like that.

The way he knew the exact time, but a little off like Chris Rock.

Like the rocks are good with their time.

Someone just broke a glass over their head

after the comedy stylings of Rock Turner.

Autistic and ADHD came out guns ablazing like a 22-year-old girl just with excuses.

I'm Autistic.

I'm ADHD.

I believe I can fly.

How old are you, Rock?

41.

41.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Since about a year.

About a year.

Where at?

All in the Austin area.

All in Austin.

Is this where you're from?

I've been here for 20-something years, so pretty much.

What made you move to Austin 20-something years ago?

I went to University of Texas.

Okay.

What do you do for a living?

I am a photographer and videographer.

Okay.

And you get a lot of work here.

You make a living doing that.

Yeah, you're good at it.

Really good.

Okay.

Better than you are at stand-up?

100%.

Great.

Okay.

100%.

Perfect.

What do you do for fun, Rock?

Tell us more about the insides of Brock Turner.

You are as funny as a rock.

Nice.

I play guitar, play video games,

do

photo and video stuff.

I mean, I love doing that shit.

I love it.

I love it.

What other types of things do you talk about in your stand-up comedy?

My parents.

I'm kind of estranged from them, so I got a few...

few jokes about them.

You're estranged from your parents?

Yeah.

So they've seen you do stand-up before.

No, no, actually, no.

Okay.

Why are you estranged?

Go ahead, Rick.

Well, I just, I feel like estrange means they don't talk to.

You can't say estrange if they passed away, can you?

Are you alive?

Well, yeah, no, they're still alive, yeah.

I know I'm old, but not.

Tell us why your relationship is strained with your parents.

Just, you know, typical boomer parents beat the shit out of me.

They did?

Yeah.

Do you think you'd be autistic in ADHD if you were raised differently?

No, yeah.

I don't know.

Maybe.

I would think so.

I'm pretty sure that I have something called Eller Danlos.

Flexible joints.

Hold on.

Okay, Rick.

Hold on.

Let's get the expurgers.

We have to get the information from the people here.

Like when I ask them a question, you have to wait until they answer to

what the fuck do you think you have?

It's Eller Danlos.

It's like a connective tissue thing where you have.

It really is?

Oh my god, I thought Rick was scared.

What are the odds you were being serious?

I know I'm responsible for the reputation I have, but at some point you have to look at yourself and be like, maybe Rick does know about flexible joints.

Upload that pussy!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's happening.

Can you show us some of your some of your condition?

Can you come on, give me some connective tissue music, guys.

One, two, three, four.

Whoa.

Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

You know what?

If I was your parent, I would have beaten you, too.

Really push it to the limit.

That's true.

That's what happens when your parents bend your fingers back when you're a little kid.

You end up with...

You know, I may not have anything wrong with me except for that, then

what?

It was just

they beat me into flexibility, maybe?

Absolutely.

That's what I was implying.

What's your love life like, Rock?

I've been married for 14 years.

All right.

Almost.

Red band.

Almost a decade now.

You've been married for a decade.

Yeah.

Okay.

And what does your wife do?

She's a photographer, too.

Wow.

You guys just go around capturing other people thriving.

Yeah.

Does anyone ever take pictures of you guys?

Not really, actually.

Well, that's a mistake.

Right, there we go.

It's about to change

right now.

Oh, it's us.

Ah, fuck.

Nice.

Touche, touche.

I give you a four words.

Cherish and take this for what you will.

Upload that.

kidding.

That's three minutes.

Go ahead.

Oh, no.

If I could be, because sometimes, like, I can't tell if you're serious.

I want to have a genuine moment for a minute.

And I just want to say, honestly, it's not your fault.

All right.

It's not your fault.

Rock, how long have you been.

That's enough.

I was going to do that for a while.

Okay.

Oh, no, it's okay.

It's okay.

Rock,

how long have you been playing guitar for?

24 years?

24 years.

You know what?

Do we have that extra guitar, Matt?

Okay, let's plug that shit in.

We're about to find out exactly how fucking autistic this guy really is.

Oh my goodness.

Look at that fucking sledgehammer.

You're not supposed to speak to a woman like that.

My goodness gracious.

Here he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

He's

ready for his moment.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is a little guitar from Rock Turner, everybody.

Hold on, Ban.

Don't, don't save him, Ban.

All right, I'm gonna stop you there, Rock.

Tony, I'm gonna only say this once.

Be nice.

Be nice.

Just, I'm only, I'm gonna.

Dean Madness is roasting him, Rick.

I have to jump in.

He's got Ella's Dan laws.

Have a flexible moral standard.

Come on, man.

20-something years.

Why don't we ask him to show some of his videography while we're at it?

Oh my god, it hurts.

Maybe it is your fault.

No, no, you're the man.

Videography is much more impressive, too.

I'm sorry.

What?

The photography and videography is.

Is it like Disney World?

Are you one of those Disney?

Good question.

Is it like Disney Railroad?

Great question for Brad Ban.

Is it like Disney Railroad?

Gary Railroad?

Never heard of it.

Sorry.

Amazing.

Is it against the law to ask that he says what his thing is so I could look at his videos?

Sure.

Plug your video.

What is.

B-Turner Photography and and Films?

B-T-U-R-N-E-R Photography and Films.

And what is your rate?

It depends what you're asking for.

Hey, that's not the attitude I'm looking for.

All right.

450.

Rock, here's a here's a little joke book.

Here.

Oh, one thing at a time there, A D H D.

All right.

Here we go.

There goes the guitar.

And there goes Rock Turner, everybody.

Anything can happen on this show.

Again, sometimes stars are born.

born.

Sometimes it is just a fucking mental health clinic up here.

Sometimes you're stuck between two people with autism.

All right, it's time for one of the most amazing regulars in the entire show's history, ladies and gentlemen.

This guy every single week writes and performs a brand new minute, makes some noise for one of the all-time greats.

This is indeed the one and only, the great and powerful, Cam Patterson, everybody.

What's up, man?

I'm getting old and I'm realizing stuff about myself.

I realized recently that I'm toxic.

I just realized that.

Cause I got a new girlfriend and my ex called me out of nowhere and she was like, I see you got a new girlfriend, nigga.

And I don't care.

I just want you to know that that if you marry that bitch,

I'm gonna be, I'm gonna have, I'm gonna come to your wedding with a bomb strapped in my chest.

And my dick got hard.

I'm like, what did you say?

I rubbed my nipple and she said, what?

My hombo, like, why would your dick get hard?

That's crazy.

I was like, you don't understand, bro.

My mama's gonna be on the wedding.

My dad's gonna be at my wedding.

My grandma gonna be there.

You're gonna kill all them for me?

What you finna wear when you're gonna blow my wedding?

You gonna have a thong going when you blow my wedding up?

Yeah, that's the whole joke.

That's all of it.

I'm not gonna stop now.

I guess I can tell you what I did this week.

I went to Akron.

That place is terrible.

We don't need it.

LeBron, only thing we need out of Akron.

I feel like this world is just LeBron's world.

Y'all ever think about that?

I'm glad I got out of that one.

There it go.

We made it.

I had a hot 30 seconds.

Patterson bringing up the fourth greatest basketball player of all time LeBron James I gotta tell you yeah no doubt about it what did he do what happened Tony thinks one two and three is Trump

okay

very good guys we really went a little wild on that one

Trump doesn't play basketball what the fuck was that about

It's Jordan.

Go ahead.

Trump.

Jordan.

It's Jordan.

John Stockton.

Oh, I knew you're going to throw a white guy in there somewhere.

He was coming.

Patrick Ewing.

Okay.

And then LeBron James.

No doubt about it.

If you would have asked me two weeks ago, I would have told you he was the second best of all time.

Oh, he did post that bullshit.

Man, fuck LeBron James.

God damn right.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, fuck LeBron Tay.

Pussy ass, nigga.

LeBron.

And you can't say that.

I can't say that.

Fuck, nigga.

Yeah.

What's he gonna do drive that?

Fuck, nigga, huh?

That's why your son ass.

Yeah, now let me say that.

He's okay during the regular season.

I got it.

I got it.

That's fine.

That's fine.

I got it.

That's why your son sucked, nigga.

Fuck, Bronny, nigga.

So few championships.

He just doesn't know how to be a real team leader.

Kobe is ahead of him.

Hell yeah.

I mentioned Kobe before Stockton.

Yeah, no, I think that's the best.

Stockton is crazy.

You're right.

He's the fifth best basketball player.

LeBron the fifth best basketball player.

Stockton thing?

Yeah, Muggsy Bogues.

You know, you'll be like, okay, I'll take Muggsy Bogues because he's black.

A lot of people don't know this, and this is kind of like your

Stockton actually is known for having in the locker room having a really big dick.

Hey, what the fuck are you?

What are we talking about?

I'm getting sound bites, bitch.

Oh, okay.

Well, I gotta be a bitch.

You got aggressive energy, and I know.

You got aggressive energy.

You got aggressive energy.

I'm gonna retrift.

My instinct is to wrestle, and I know I'm wrong.

Tony?

You are indeed wrong.

All right.

You got out of two things tonight.

Fuck that even mean, man.

I didn't understand half of your shit, but funny stuff.

Okay, Rick Glassman.

Rick turning up the heat here as the episode goes on.

He's getting

a little more Rick Glass.

All jokes aside, Cam, I think you're fantastic, and it's good to see you, my man.

Good to see you, too.

There we go.

There's the disclaimer.

Very good.

So, the interview will continue with Cam Patterson.

Here it goes.

Cam, how's this week been for you?

It's been good, man.

Tell us more about Akron.

It was terrible.

Yeah, it is.

It was one of the worst places I've ever been to a certain city.

It's horrible.

It's a small city.

I'd imagine your agents and managers are trying to squeeze you for everything.

Well, not my

homeboy,

they asked me about it, and I was like, no, at first, when I opened it, my dog Jaro, he's from Akron.

So I was like, why go out there?

Cause he get to go back home and shit.

And he just had a traumatic experience, really.

What happened?

He got back home.

His middle school was closed down.

His elementary school was boarded up.

His childhood home he grew up at burnt to the ground.

Wow.

We should have stayed the fuck out of Akron when I think about it.

Place is fucking horrible.

One guy, because I do this thing at the end of my soul now.

Why just do therapy with Cam?

Cause I'm a therapist.

I don't even know that or not.

I'm a therapist.

And so people just ask me questions and I give them solutions, right?

Then this one guy said, hey, man, I live in Akron.

What should I do?

And I just said, kill yourself.

Yeah.

You should probably murder yourself and your family and go to heaven.

Yep.

Get out of here, man.

Die.

And I've also been in your hometown, which wasn't better, right?

It's not much better.

Northeast Ohio is

the worst place on earth.

Yeah, it's very rugged territory.

Rick Glassman's from Cleveland.

Boy, my arm's tired.

Yeah, I hate Ohio.

Akron, famously the home of Goodyear tires.

Yeah.

And LeBron James.

Yeah.

That fuck, nigga.

Yeah.

Now I'm glad I love you.

I'd love to see how much he got paid to make that endorsement.

What?

Anyway.

Oh.

Yeah, they took paychecks.

I'll beat Bronny in one-on-one.

Y'all don't feel what I'm saying?

Fuck y'all too then.

Puss it.

That's true.

That's another thing.

His son sucks at basketball.

He's the only guy that's been entitled to

nepotism in the NBA.

You follow basketball, correct?

Yeah.

You play basketball.

Am I correct, Rick about?

I played against LeBron.

He's annoyingly good at basketball.

Yeah.

I don't like that I know Rick Glassman so well.

And I was like, I'm going to fucking dunk on Rick Glassman.

And then I showed up, and you were infinitely better than everyone that was playing.

Wait, wait.

You played with me too though before.

Yeah, I'm thinking, who you think will win?

Who thinks it will win?

I'm very average, but I'm tall.

He beat me.

You think he beat me?

Yes, I beat me.

You're a piece of shit.

I feel like I'm a little bit.

I love you.

And you're going to be a good person.

There's no doubt.

Damn, there's no no doubt.

I got 2K on me right now.

I'll take that, bet.

I got a question.

I just want to ask the audience one question here.

Do you notice how much he's trying to sell his skills?

Well, I'm just sitting here thinking to myself, buddy, I ain't playing Liu unless we got an indoor court, some good air conditioning, and you get me a new pair of shoes.

Shoes.

What is this?

Let me ask you guys something.

I'd like to plug my video, I am Phenomenal, on YouTube.

Okay, Rick.

What if,

are are you here in town tomorrow, right?

No.

You leave tonight?

Technically time tomorrow.

I thought you meant tomorrow night.

I leave tonight.

So what if I got you guys an indoor gym and we rolled the video right now of the game that you guys play tomorrow?

And we can bet on it.

I'll bet on it.

No, Rick, Rick, you're saying no?

I mean, mate.

Cam looks excited about this.

Yeah.

I'll put money on it.

Let's do it.

I mean, mate, I'll probably not.

Why do they want to do you scared?

You say like you're scared, Rick.

You do say that.

You do sound like you're wait a minute.

You say like you scared.

I'm never scared.

I'll tell you what.

What?

Where did he go?

Now I can't see.

I didn't know.

I was trying to give him a fist bump.

Can I say that?

Yeah.

I mean, maybe.

Maybe, yeah.

Let me know what to do.

Tomorrow, what's up?

Yeah, what do you get?

1 p.m.

tomorrow?

I'm doing a podcast at 1 p.m.

It would have to be early.

I mean, do we have to do it tomorrow?

Why don't we do it before this comes out?

Why don't you come to L.A.?

No.

Oh, but you have to play here in Austin.

Let's do it, man.

It's indoors.

Come on, Rick.

Let the record show that if it doesn't happen, if the video doesn't roll after this,

then it will.

But I haven't been playing much.

I don't know.

If I'm going to do this in front of a lot of people, I'm going to want like, oh, you're you're scared.

He's scared, man.

Wow.

Scared to pray.

I'm like that for real, nigga.

Really, really.

I'm like that for real, man.

Hey, Peter.

You know what?

I was right.

Wait, wait, I was ranked number three in the nation when I was in 12th grade.

This is why people are afraid of acronyms.

You ain't know that?

You ain't know that, huh?

I'm listening.

Listen, man.

Sound good.

Listen, man.

You sound phenomenal.

I'm sure you're a good basketball player.

If we were to play tomorrow and I haven't been playing much and I hurt myself or whatever, like, if it means that I have to say that you're a better basketball player than me, I won't only say you're a better basketball player than me.

I'll say you're a better comedian than me.

I think you're a better person all around.

I agree with all of that.

But there's one more thing I want to say.

Live from New York, it's Saturday night.

All right.

Rick, relax a little bit.

Cam Patterson.

Thank you so much.

There goes Cam Patterson.

I love LeBron James.

Oh, a little handshake.

little handshake.

All right.

What a wild episode.

You guys having fun out there?

All right, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Ben Koshaba.

Ben Koshaba.

Ben Koshiba.

Ben.

Alright, guys, my name's actually Ben Koshaba.

Or Khoshiba, if you stay in the original Aramaic dialect.

In English, Koshaba just means Sunday.

In Spanish, it's pronounced dejo.

My boys on the box team taught me that.

They're always like, hey, ben Dejo, hurry up.

They're nice guys.

One of them is like, hey, so you're not Mexican.

Like, what are you?

Where are you from?

I'm like, I'm a Syrian.

He's like, oh, so from like Syria.

Like, no, no, no.

Syrians are from Syria.

I'm a Syrian.

He's like, oh, yeah, yeah.

I'm a Mexican.

But check it out.

Once I get married and the paperwork goes through, I'll be American.

I know I'm doing a lot of Mexican jokes, but it's only because Mexican jokes are like Mexican people.

They always work.

Unlike my black jokes,

the Arab jokes kill.

Some of the more extreme ones bomb.

The World War II Japanese pilot jokes never land.

Pearl Harbor, you got it.

Hell yeah.

So me and my girlfriend were arguing the other day, and she just kept going on and on.

I'm like, baby, relax.

I I love you.

We can negotiate.

She's like, I don't negotiate with terrorists.

Super fucking racist, but super fucking funny.

I started laughing.

All right, Ben, you reached the maximum time limit.

The crowd loved it.

How's it going, Ben?

So good.

Been here like four times to try and get on here from California.

Yeah.

You're my hero.

I love you all.

You guys are amazing.

I love it.

Thank you for saying that.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Almost a year.

Okay.

All of it in LA?

San Diego.

San Diego.

Okay.

Where are you performing there?

Madhouse, Mic Drop,

and then a bunch of different bars that are.

Former military?

No.

What do you do for work in San Diego?

I'm a bartender.

Okay.

Yep.

All right.

You fight.

Yeah.

Seven and one.

Okay.

I mean, I'm retired now.

I'm retired.

Oh, you're retired?

Yeah.

Why are you retired?

Because I'm fat.

Okay.

Why are you fat?

I like to eat.

No,

I just kind of fell off during COVID.

My father never loved me.

It's all right.

Keep going with your actual answer.

You fell off during COVID?

During COVID, and then after that, it was just kind of, it was hard to get back.

I mean, I'm still training all the time.

Right.

But.

Jiu-Jitsu, what are we talking about?

Jiu-Jitsu MMA Muay Thai.

Okay.

All right.

Seven and one, yet you're retired.

You just can't cut the weight?

No, it's not that.

Honestly, uh...

Brain damage.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, what was that?

Very good.

What else do you do for fun, Ben?

I like, what was that?

Say, what was that again?

What was that?

Just a picture.

I'm sorry.

Like to

go out, drink, hang out with friends, go to the beach,

still train.

Listen to Kill Tony, do stand-up.

Try and make a difference.

What do you think the most interesting thing about your entire life is other than your fight history?

A lot of interest.

All right, so I didn't speak until I was almost three years old.

Whoa.

And my first words were at church, and I said, I want to be a priest.

And then I hit puberty, and it all would change.

Yeah, yeah.

Wow.

You didn't say anything until you said a full sentence a full sentence yeah so 100 or nothing no so actually uh what ended up i found out was uh i had like a something with my ear so i couldn't hear and then i had surgery it was like three months later after the surgery is when i actually spoke okay so you were deaf for a while i was deaf for a while wow rick glassman yeah is so did he get lucky is that not from fighting oh my parents were related so

inbred joke no

it's from fighting and wrestling.

And then you were deaf, and then that happened after.

What was that?

I'm joking, sorry.

He's been taking it out on his ears ever since.

Okay.

Is that a Freemason's ring?

Yeah, I'm a Freemason.

All right, just wanted to.

So, what is your ethnicity exactly?

Because Sheba is an interesting last name.

What is that?

Assyrian or Chaldean.

Okay.

So, Assyrian.

Assyrian.

You got it.

And so you're 100% Syrian?

Syrian.

Sure, whatever.

Who gives a fuck?

Honestly, I'll be whatever you want, Tony.

100%?

100%.

What are your parents like?

My mom's a sweetheart.

Foreign lady from Iraq.

Yeah.

How about your dad?

Let's talk about it.

We're getting into it.

My dad was a cool guy growing up.

Wasn't always around.

Where was he?

I wish I could tell you.

I didn't know.

He wasn't around.

You don't know.

Have you you talked to him since?

Yeah, so he was...

I stopped talking to him about like 10 years ago.

Why?

He just wasn't a good dad to me and my sisters.

So.

Just because he wasn't around sometimes?

My dad wasn't a good...

I don't know.

No, he just...

He left.

He...

Where did he go?

Again, I wish I could tell you.

I think Bay Area, Arizona now, he's married to a Mexican lady.

Rick Lassman.

Well, we have a surprise for you.

Yeah, here he is.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is Allah Akbar Koshiba, ladies and gentlemen.

And here he arrives

right now.

Hold on.

Here he comes.

Wait, Rick's got to go grab him.

And now here he is, ladies and gentlemen, your father.

Baba!

a slightly hairier version of Rick Lassman.

Would you like to say some words to your dear son, Mr.

Koshiba?

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

It's not.

Stop.

It's not your fault.

Wow.

What a moment between the Koshiba boys, ladies and gentlemen.

That was the best hug I ever got from my dad, ever.

Wow.

Thank you, Dad.

I love you.

That is amazing.

There he goes.

Back to you.

That's not my fault.

Back.

There he goes.

Women, what are you doing with your basketball?

Wait, what did he just say?

He's yelling at women because he's

good old Syrian.

Oh, it's Rick Glassman, everybody.

Look at that.

What did I miss?

Somehow your mustache looks thicker

without the

added mustache.

This is incredible.

Wait, what do you got there?

Okay.

Ben.

We're going to get you out of here.

You know what?

He's got multiple mustaches, ladies and gentlemen.

Guilty, unlike that other loser, I didn't quit acting as a teenager and move to Mexico.

I'm a real actor with mustaches, you dork.

Well, why don't you rush up Cam Patterson to see you as a bigger dick?

Fuck off.

I'm not wasting my gosh darn time.

The crowd loved your material.

Welcome to the Kill Tony universe.

Here's a big joke book.

Ben Kashiba, ladies and gentlemen.

On to the next one we go.

We're flying through him tonight.

We have another Lopez, ladies and gentlemen.

Ben, get the fuck out of of here.

Go.

All right, there you go.

There goes Ben.

Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Eric.

Okay, there's the mic adjustment.

Thank you.

On to the next one we go.

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Eric Lopez, everybody.

Eric, make some noise for Eric, everyone.

All right, guys.

So I ended up in Iraq in back in 2009

fighting for a Taliban.

Obviously, I didn't get to the 72 Virgins.

A photo leaked out of me eating some bacon.

But I did the next best thing.

I walked into a carpet shop and I told, dude, yo, you got a magic carpet?

He's like, no, I don't take the last one.

But I got this fuck rug.

He says, I like you, my friend.

85 bucks.

He's like, you know what?

Think about it.

You go out to dinner in a date, you spend over $100, and you still don't get laid.

Fuck rug, guaranteed sex.

I'm like, man, you got anything cheaper?

Yes, our most popular model, the goat fuck rug.

20 bucks, no goat can resist.

And I was like, any goat?

So I needed to say I fucked Tom Brady.

Funny thing happened.

Ref stepped in, threw a yellow flag, penalized me for a friend in the passer.

I nutsacked.

I nutsacked down like three times.

And at the end of it, like, yeah, that's how my balls deflated.

All right guys, thank you.

Okay, Eric Lopez.

Welcome to the show, Eric.

This is your first time here, correct?

Actually, showed up to that old place that burned up, episode three in Austin.

Okay, yeah.

No, we remember that.

That makes sense.

That is an old place where we used to do the show.

So you were on this show before?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

And how long have you been doing stand-up?

Since that day,

you started then and there.

Well, it was like my fifth time doing comedy.

okay let's say around coming up of four years yeah yep no doubt we've been in austin about four years that makes sense that checks out so what do you do for work Eric Lopez I'm a mail carrier really yep okay and you're a veteran definitely okay

yeah

not like these other guys that just look like they've been in the military.

The guy that looks like he hasn't been in the military was actually in the military.

This is incredible.

What did you do there exactly?

I was a avionics marine.

I worked on F-18s.

Wow.

Thank you.

Amazing.

Amazing.

What did you do?

You like fixed

planes, mechanics?

They call me the lab rat, pretty much the components that broke on the F-18.

I just,

I guess I did technical,

whatever.

Shit.

I troubleshoot.

I troubleshoot.

I troubleshoot.

Yeah, my fault.

That's what I meant.

Okay.

I love it.

Did you kill anybody?

No.

But the F-18s did.

Yeah, they fucked up some shit.

Yeah.

You're goddamn right.

Was it a tough transition for you to come back to society?

How long were you overseas for?

I did just one tour of Iraq.

Okay.

Not that long.

All right.

I did six tours of Australia.

Oh, God.

Comedy tours.

I think Red Band did a tour of Italy.

Yeah, he did, you fat bastard.

Aha.

You fucking.

Hell yeah.

He had an Iraq of ribs.

He's never Iran in his life.

That's him, little piggy boy.

So, Eric, now you're a mail carrier.

What's it like out there being a mailman nowadays?

You running away from dogs and whatnot?

Oh, that probably the scariest one that you always

get deported, so

okay.

What do you do for fun, Eric, when you're not doing stand-up?

Oh, shoot.

Um, just

get at the house.

Oh, you you know what?

I think I picked it up on this one, man.

I started cooking, like doing smoking stuff and everything.

So, okay, you got a little smoker.

Yeah, yeah, all right.

What are you cooking in it?

Uh, brisket, ribs, all the good stuff.

I love it, all the tech stuff.

I love it.

Fuck yeah, Rick Glassman.

What do you think about this?

I was just wondering if you do pastrami.

Pastrami,

no,

Rick's a Jew.

Excuse me, Rick's a Jew.

Oh, they know

That's why casinos won't work over there.

Now,

I have a question.

Yes.

When you were doing your thing, and it was great, but you were talking about fixing F-18s, and we had a guy named Maverick, and I was just picturing, like, what that movie.

And then it's like, what was your job position?

You're like, they call me the rat.

And it's like, wouldn't they hire like like a proper engineer or something?

Or they're like, the rat will do it for half the price.

Let him fuck up these F-18s.

What does that mean?

And did you fix anything with tape?

One sec?

No, a lab rat.

That was a lab rat.

I was like an air conditioning unit.

Everybody's out in the fucking flight line.

Splinter.

Yeah.

And he's like Leonardo in Teenage Meet Ninja Turtles 3.

Okey-dokie.

Tony, Eric.

Oh, you don't have to toss back to me.

I just take it at that point.

Eric, what scares you in life?

What are you afraid of in this world?

Immigration.

Wow, really?

The second Lopez to be anti-immigration on this show tonight.

I'm not exactly sure what's happening, but I'm glad you motherfuckers voted.

Anyway.

So...

Other than immigration, what scares you?

Because you seem like, you know, you're a war veteran.

You've been around.

You're a guy with a smoker.

You're like a real man.

Oh, yeah.

What scares you?

Is there something where you're like,

oh no.

Or something that you see where you're just like, oh, shit, no, God, no.

Oh, fuck that, man.

Oh, whatever.

Just like your normal things.

Like, if I see a rat going, I'll be like, it'll startle me or something like that.

What are you wrong?

Wow.

Oh, my goodness.

Rat.

Did you see a lot of rats?

When I was in Iraq, I was in the picture.

I'd take a flashlight and be like, make sure no spiders, no rats coming around or anything.

Hell yeah.

Jeff Devil.

I'd like to just know what else you write about, like in your act.

What else do you talk about?

About being Mexican.

You seem really likable.

Just listening to you, you seem like a very, I mean, you're talking about fucking Tom Brady and shit.

I'd like to hear more, but just wanted to know.

There is a two and a half hour long roast of Tom Brady on Netflix.

Yeah.

I was in the unedited.

Amazing, we were just talking about the home of Goodyear, and he's wearing a bad day shirt.

Did you notice that?

I, honest to goodness, I forgot I was here.

Good year.

Good year.

Eric, we like your style here.

You're getting a big joke book.

There you go.

Eric Lopez, ladies and gentlemen.

Good work.

This next one is inside, ladies and gentlemen.

I do believe it is one of the...

Oh, there's another Lopez song from the band.

Ladies and gentlemen, I do believe she she works here with this Kiltoni squad.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Aya, everybody.

Aya, I do believe it's one of our own.

One of the many producers that helps put the whole damn thing together.

She's probably taking up a hit.

So make some noise for Aya, everybody.

Oh my gosh, it's bright.

It's a lot of light.

Shout out Thomas Edison.

He would have loved flushlights.

No, it's cool.

Not good with guys.

I don't know.

A guy isn't going to tell you, but I know I'm not good at hand jobs just because all my protein shakes are clumpy.

And

like,

like,

I want to get better, so I'll just like watch porn, but like for educational purposes, obviously.

And all I've learned is that I like incest porn, because like

at least you know they love each other, right?

I don't know.

I guess I'm just a romantic.

And it sucks being a romantic because like I won't see red flags in guys.

Like I won't see a guy with dyslexia.

I'll just see a guy who knows a little bit of German.

Or like, I won't see a guy with anger issues I'll just see a guy who can protect me from drywall it's it's not

it's not good at all

but um

wow

that

is

what we love

a star is born ladies and gentlemen

ayah

amazing welcome welcome you work here on the kiltony production team we've never never really gotten a chance to talk.

And so welcome, welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Like two years.

And how old are you?

I'm 22.

Wow.

22 years old.

That's how old I was when I started.

How old were you when you started, Rick?

24.

And how old were you when you started, Jeff?

I'm not going to the math part of this.

How long ago was it?

I'll do it.

Okay.

2005, and I'm 41.

Six years.

you were

you don't it doesn't matter how old you are

if it's trust if it's 2005 it's been 19 years what does it matter how old you are

you go backwards oh 23 there you go today

I should say oh go ahead Tony

I uh welcome welcome so you started at 20 years old what's your ethnicity um I'm African um I'm Moroccan okay yeah so

I can hang out in the sun if you want.

Nice.

What are Moroccans known for other than their percussion instruments?

Phosphate.

We have phosphate.

We have good food.

Phosphate.

What's phosphate?

That is, that's what I'm saying.

No worries.

Oh, Jesus, that's quite the reach, Red Band.

Thanks, Red Band.

I can see what's happening.

They don't have a clue.

We'd fall in love, and here's the bottom line.

Hit it.

Are trios down to two, Tony?

Okay.

No, I like that movie a lot.

It's a good movie.

The Lion King?

Respect.

Absolutely.

No good taste in movies.

Absolutely.

100%.

What does a 22-year-old do nowadays?

What are you guys up to?

What's going on with 22-year-olds?

Well, like, I don't want to speak on the behalf of all of them.

Yeah.

But

I really like poetry.

I've been reading a lot of poems.

I like looking at art.

I like to make bread.

I love looking at dogs.

I used to breed dobermans.

Used to breed them?

Yeah, I did.

How do you do that?

What do you do to do?

So you just get a male and a female doberman.

It doesn't really matter.

It doesn't really matter.

Very conservative test.

Just two dogs.

Just two dogs.

No, no, I've tried it so many different ways.

I've never met my mother-in-law, Tony.

Again, you don't have to toss it back to me at the end.

You can just say, you've never met my mother-in-law, and then I'll take over naturally.

What's your glasses prescription?

Oh, wow.

A question for Rick Glassman.

You could kiss the next four minutes.

Goodbye, everybody.

Here we go.

Hey-oh, thought you never asked.

Let me put on a mustache and answer it for you.

Okay, don't tell me.

It's like I have the stigmatism, I guess, huh?

The left eye and

the right.

Wow, two of my favorite members of TLC.

Is that like, what kind of wool is that?

Okay, enough of the questions, Aya.

Enough of the questions.

There you go.

Thank you.

Thank you, Rick.

There he goes.

You know what that bell means.

I should talk more?

I know.

You know, when I first got my glasses prescription for Bell, you know, it's like

totally dance with everybody.

Thank you.

Thank you, Rick.

Thank you.

So, Aya, tell us more about you.

Do your parents know you do stand-up?

Yeah, but they don't understand it.

It's very confusing.

Yeah.

What do they do?

What are they like?

My mom.

They're super Muslim.

They mostly pray.

But they're not that good at it.

You guys are safe.

They can hang.

My mom, she had like

she teaches a lot of Ethiopians Arabic.

She loves Ethiopians.

And yeah,

she's cool.

Jeff died.

It's hard to have sex in Morocco.

No, it's not.

Yes, it is.

What do you guys think?

What do do you mean?

Yeah, I've been to Morocco and I met a lady and she was like, we can't go to your hotel.

She just wanted to fuck you guy.

You know, the women in Morocco aren't allowed to fuck you.

Otherwise, we'd be there in a second.

Jeff, get a clue, Tony.

No, no, sincerely, I met a chick.

It's true.

You have to bring it up.

We couldn't go to the hotel.

And then she's like, but I know a place.

And we drove.

crazy in separate automobiles to like miles and miles away and then she got in a this is a true story i probably shouldn't share it.

And

then she hit like a button in this weird place, and all the windows closed, like from the things, and then we were kind of locked.

I had to go in separately, and we did the deed.

How much did it cost you?

Nothing, nothing?

Oh, it's free?

Cool.

No, they have, there's like sex trafficking there.

Yeah,

yeah, well, what you were saying.

It's a fair question.

No, I've paid for sex, don't get me wrong.

No, yeah.

No, but you're right.

You do need to bring a marriage certificate if you want to get a hotel with like someone of the opposite sex.

I was like, just go to my hotel, you know.

You guys should have just told them y'all were cousins or siblings.

They would have

let y'all see that.

I don't think we could have bought it.

Really?

Yeah.

Half-siblings, maybe?

I don't know.

Well, you and I could be related.

Why wouldn't they buy it?

Because she didn't look like me.

She had a mustache.

Go ahead.

Sorry, what does she look like, and why does that matter?

Okay, all right.

I was just saying it's hard to have sex in Morocco.

That's all I wanted to change.

Oh, I thought you meant like technically.

No, you know, still

very, yeah, very standard.

No, yeah, it's pretty much.

I have all the parts still.

Yeah.

Well, I regret sharing.

What were you doing in Morocco in the first place?

I had a travel TV thing on NBC.

Oh, okay.

I went to Morocco and I was like, this is going to rule.

And it sucked.

Do you go to Morocco a lot?

Sometimes.

Yeah, I was like there two years ago.

Or like last year.

No, no.

Well, that's where sometimes they go there and they leave me for some time.

Who watches you?

Well.

They put on a little Lion King?

No, no.

They don't know what that is.

No.

They're very serious people, it sounds like.

Oh, yeah.

Super serious.

What in the world?

How long have you been working with the whole Kill Tony crew here?

Like over a year now.

And so

how does someone from

parents that pray all the time?

Yeah, like I didn't wear t-shirts until I was 19.

Wow.

Amazing.

Just always naked?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Toppless.

Amazing.

So do you think that this is kind of your version of being kind of like a rebel?

I mean, stand-up comedy, free speech, and everything that has to do with everything that you're a part of kind of is so

seems like the opposite of what your parents would be into.

Do they ever...

Well, I think I'm just being myself.

Yeah.

And, um,

you guys don't have to clap for that.

But

no, I don't think I'm really rebelling.

I try to, I, I care about them and what they think about me.

Yeah.

And so I just try, I try to be a good kid.

Yeah.

How often do you perform stand-up comedy?

Do you work hard at this?

Yeah, yeah.

I, at least.

A few times a week.

Yeah.

You're really funny.

Oh, thank you.

Do you love it?

You love it?

Yeah, yeah, I love this.

Is this what you want to to do?

Yeah.

Amazing.

You know what I'm going to do, Aya?

I'm going to consider you the newest golden ticket winner on the show.

Thank you.

Yeah.

Let's sweet.

Let's sweep.

22 years old.

You're here in the comedy capital.

You're part of the Kill Tony unit.

I just don't see how you're not going to end up being one of the biggest female stand-up comedians of all time.

And

you're gonna get to do more spots here.

We're gonna get you in the mix.

This is the part where Red Band invites you to the secret show.

Yeah, I'll see you on Thursday, yeah.

And even though you probably have a bunch of these, you already have one.

Your newest golden Sega winner, Aya, ladies and gentlemen.

Boom.

Yeah.

Tony's a nice guy, really respectful and stuff.

No, yeah.

um, thanks.

There she goes.

Aya, ladies and gentlemen.

Wow, how cool.

I just don't see how she can be stopped.

She's already two years in, 22.

She's got a whole fucking thing going on.

Naturally funny.

So, it has begun.

Legends are born on the show, and it is time for the return of one of the biggest legends of all time in the history of the show.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a while since we've seen this man.

He is indeed a Kill Tony Hall of Famer.

I've been very excited about the long-awaited return, one of the greatest roasters in this show's history.

Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed David Lucas.

Yeah.

All right.

Hey, that diddy shit was crazy, man.

That motherfucker was putting GHB in the baby oil.

I'm like,

that got to be the craziest way to get raped.

You know what I'm saying?

This man motherfucker massage you into the rape and you wake up the next day.

I hate I never was able to go to a Diddy party.

Because I know them hors d'oeuvres were off the chain.

You know what I'm saying?

Like

Diddy would have got me with the food.

I would have been in that bitch eating exotic cheese.

It's like, y'all said this was ostrich?

I would have ate some of that food and been in his fucking closet with one of his robes on.

Dancing.

Like a thousand bottles of baby oil is crazy to me, bro.

It is.

Like, Diddy had so much oil at his house that Biden ordered a drone strike.

It's like, what?

Like, I feel if you got a thousand bottles of anything, you should go to prison, no questions asked.

You know,

hey, nigga, a thousand bottles of black pepper.

Take your ass to prison.

Tony was probably at the prison with bail money to get Diddy out.

But I ain't gonna lie though, bro.

I swear to God, I would buy a baby.

I would buy a bottle of baby oil by Sirock.

You know what I'm saying?

Like cherry flavor, or as black people call it, red.

All right.

David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen, he diddy, had a thousand bottles of baby oil.

David has a thousand bottles of olive oil.

Tony, I'm so glad Trump won, nigga.

Yeah, because you want to make America cake again.

Nigga, if Trump would have lost, lost you would have had to sell that pussy your ass

you would have started a new OnlyFans called Phil Tony you know

that's true I actually bought the domain and everything

hell yeah what's up Tony you got light glass with up at this bitch yeah young Howard Stern looking ass nigga boy the fuck

That's funny stuff.

But Tony doesn't have to sell that pussy anymore because he gets to

Rick Glassman.

You got the sweater on of a nigga that got three cats.

Shut your motherfucking ass.

That is true.

That motherfucker got three cats and a goddamn ball of yarn in his living room.

Fuck you talking about with that dumbass sweater on, bitch.

You look like one of them kids at the elementary school whose mom is a teacher.

You know what I'm saying?

Jeff died.

I thought that nigga from One Direction killed himself.

Why the fuck are you here?

What the fuck are you doing here, bitch?

That guy was really hot though.

I don't understand the joke.

But you hot, you like 1987 hot.

You know what I'm saying?

I'll take that.

This nigga look like he just bet $100,000 on Sea Biscuit.

Yo, ass.

Rich, hot.

I don't get the jokes here.

Well,

when David sees biscuit, he eats biscuit.

This nigga's doing

glassman again.

Oh, dude,

look at this ass.

Yeah.

This guy looks like he rapes pedophiles.

Rick Glassman looks like he sit down to pee, motherfucker.

You look like the type of nigga take tissue and pat his dick hole when he dumped it.

Boy, you look like a fucking idiot.

Hey, shut your ass up, you bitch ass niggas.

You got a motherfucking heart on your shirt, nigga.

What the fuck?

Look at Rick Glasser, boy.

Your ass goofy did a motherfucker.

What just happened, Rick?

What did you just pantomime?

That nigga spilled his boxed water.

David, it's been forever.

It's been forever, dude.

I've been on a tour like a motherfucker.

I got too many kids, nigga.

I got to go shoot.

You do?

You have another kid.

You have a new kid.

Hey, nigga, shut up, bro.

You're going to fuck my pussy up, nigga.

What you talking about?

No, yeah.

I don't even know what you're talking about.

It's been a long time since I see you.

And I guess it's an old kid now.

I miss Tony, bro.

I miss you like a motherfucker, bro.

I'm glad to see you doing good.

When I see you out there at that motherfucking Trump shit, I was happy than a motherfucker.

I'm like, I can't believe Trump let Gay speak for him, bro.

Yeah.

Yeah, it's true.

Doesn't feel good, does it, Tony?

It is true.

You've been at some rallies, too.

The hamburger joint.

I was like, how is Tony gay?

All them Puerto Rican men, he's fucked.

How the fuck?

That's what he called a booty hole garbage.

That's why he's so.

Oh my God.

How dare you?

How dare you?

That nigga Rick Glasman looked like he got a Pokemon collection.

That motherfucker

looked like he got a $10,000 Pokemon card.

I will say I do sit to pee a lot of the time and I do collect Magic the Gathering cards.

You are hilarious.

I just want to slap this nigga.

I don't know.

Tony?

Jeff died.

Nigga, get on Jeff Dot motherfucking ass.

Boy, you aren't here with the haircut of a single white mother.

Boy, yo ass.

You look like a white mother from a divorce that's doing well for herself now.

She got a job in finance, raising her three kids, right?

No, do Rick again.

Do Rick, do Rick.

Fuck it off.

Fuck it off.

All right, bro, it's all good.

Tony, what's happening, baby?

Life is good.

Life is good.

I'm just over here thinking about how you look like if we

can't laugh on the setup like

I just want to hear the setup and I'm gonna laugh bro.

You can't again.

Is that your mouth or your asshole?

I can't tell.

What's up?

Where's the noise coming from?

How did you know I?

I know when you farted, it sounded like a rescue horn, nigga.

That shit.

This is so great.

This is like if Whoopee blocked the view.

Now that Trump is elected, is the view still a thing?

what them hoes like what are they gonna complain about now?

Oh man, I don't know

put your motherfucking hand down bitch.

I have one.

I know you probably got a podcast with a fucking trendy as the co-host

I Don't even understand what a joke.

Why would that I don't understand the joke.

I don't know gay Eifer the straight guy.

I don't fucking know that one I get and I love it No, I got one.

This isn't really my genre.

I don't do this kind of stuff, but yeah, the whoopie Goldberg thing.

I was thinking I could call you man, this black dude looks like Sister Mary Clarence Thompson.

see what i'm saying there you go the roast take that dumb ass sweater off

the roast styling

let's all talk at the same time i got it did it did it not work because it wasn't funny or do you guys it wasn't good let me just ask my question clarence you know the answer does everybody know sister mary clarence rick glassman That's the problem.

Okay, very good.

Rick Glassman, you look like you got a peanut allergy, nigga.

Your ass.

That motherfucker died from Chick-fil-A.

He has the charisma of a man that definitely does his own taxes.

Rick Laser, nigga, I'm a force, bitch.

That motherfucking LA shit, you know what I'm saying?

No, no, never mind, never mind.

Go ahead.

No, no, you drink box water.

Sister Mary Clarence Thomas over here.

Do niggas know who Clarence Thomas is?

Sister Mary Clarence is Whoopi Goldberg in the sister act movies.

But see, when you got to explain a joke, it don't work.

He might be a red rack.

He might be a fat.

All right.

You guys are.

You ever, like, found interest in a man?

I mean, I want to watch it.

I want there to be penis in my porn, but I'm into the girl.

This nigga's stupid.

Don't call me that.

I don't know what the fuck is going on.

Rick Glassford is a fucking

fucking dumbass, bro.

Make some fucking noise for the legend, David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen.

We're having fun out here.

Shit's real.

One more time for David Lucas.

All right, back to the bucket we go.

You guys still having fun out there, huh?

Another bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen.

Here we go.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Mio Love, everybody.

Mio Love.

My minute started.

Oh shit.

Look, I'm 34 and recently separated.

And for some reason, my right titty, she went cockeye.

That bitch looking like Biggie Smalls.

She doing a right face for no reason.

I have to reel her back in.

And I want to come back to the game with real big dick energy, you know?

So I talked to my cousin and she said, bitch, you need to get waxed.

It lasts forever and it leaves your skin smooth like a dolphin.

So I did.

I made the appointment.

And there I was spread like a dolphin.

The lady's putting the wax, she's putting the strip, and with no regards to my life or to Jesus, she goes, ching, chun, chun, s.

Ma'am, I discovered the connection between your vision and that lip.

I went fucking blind.

I lost all control of my body, and for some reason, I just kicked the lady.

Don't feel bad for the lady.

She got kicked before.

Because she took it like a champ.

She got backed up and she wanted to do the other one.

At 34, I learned a valuable lesson.

You need to love yourself.

So right now, I'm looking like a yin-yang.

I got one bushy bush and one smooth like a dolphin, baby.

Thank you so much.

All right.

Mio, love.

Wild set.

Hi, Mio.

Hi, Tony.

How long you been doing stand-up?

Doing four years.

Four years.

Where at?

Killeen, Texas.

Okay.

Well, you are not killing anyone tonight.

I'm from Garbage Island.

You're from where?

Garbage Island.

Really?

Puerto Rico?

Yes.

You're originally from Puerto Rico?

And a veteran.

Thank you to all my vets today.

I love it.

Thank you for your service.

What did you do?

I was in the Army for six years.

Oh, my God.

That is amazing.

What did you do in the Army?

I was a 92 Alpha Logistics Specialist.

So to all my logistics, thank you.

Fuck yeah, look at that.

Amazing.

How long have you been in America?

Well, the Army brought me here, so I've been here for 13 years in Texas.

I love Texas.

Yep.

Yes.

Okay, you're saying all the right stuff, Neo Love.

Amazing.

What do you do for work now?

Veteran retired.

I'm a full-time mom.

I have two daughters.

And my oldest daughter is autistic, so I do full care for her.

Okay, super autistic or like semi-autistic?

She was nonverbal.

And I will tell you a serious note, when she was diagnosed they told me that it was nonverbal and she had like mental retardation Marlee talks

Marlee Marley talks red band

you hit the party horn for mental retardation

what kind of show is this

an awesome one

All right, so they told you that she was nonverbal, autistic, and mentally retarded.

And then what?

Thank you to all the people that do ABA therapy, to everybody that works for autism.

Autism speaks, my daughter speaks.

We love it.

And she, next year, is due to start regular school with a regular population, just with an A.

She's non-verbal.

Let me ask her.

Have you tried taking her to church?

She's verbal.

She's verbal now, yes.

Is that what you were going to say?

Okay.

Well, I was going to ask one more first six words.

I want to become a priest.

Okay.

Well, that's amazing.

What was her first word?

First words were mama, of course.

But after that, now it's like, I want cookies.

That's all.

Okay.

So she's just like David Lucas.

This is great.

Amazing.

Amazing.

What do you do for fun, Miolo?

What do you do when you're doing it?

I do comedy since I'm a full-time

babysitter time for comedy?

So I can watch it.

I'm only Puerto Rican.

Okay.

Still talking there after a blatant.

Hell yeah, just talking whenever you want.

What are you, Rick Glasswoman?

Okay.

But let's just talk about it.

Other than comedy, like when you put your daughters in the cage and want to go out for the night, like what do you do?

I do come here for more comedy.

I come here to the show for the comedy mothership is an awesome show.

So I really surround myself around comedy.

Other than comedy, there must be something.

Non-comedy related.

Non-comedy related.

I smoke weed and

you swing in my hammock.

Nice.

Fuck yeah.

Being a mom is awesome, isn't it?

Yeah.

Do you have boyfriends?

Do you have like a little Puerto Rican whipper snapper?

I don't have any boyfriends.

I don't know.

Let's see.

Okay.

Don't look at me like that when you say it.

You're gay, Tony.

Not at you.

No way.

No way, Jose.

So I love it.

You swing in your hammock.

You got two daughters.

That's very fun.

What else do you talk about in your stand-up?

If it's for married couples that want to stay together, it's not the show to watch.

For everybody that wants to know the truth, here I am.

It's a public announcement every time I teach every class.

We do every other Fridays in Killeen.

Ladies, follow me.

Hold on, what?

You do?

I do a comedy show every other Friday in Killeen.

It's Friday late night.

Married couples?

No, no, for people that are non-married.

If you're married and happily married, don't come to my show.

I might fuck it up.

How?

How do you fuck up married couples?

Because I do point out everything that is messed up.

Like, oh, you talk about crazy stuff.

Crazy stuff.

Crazy.

Have you had a couple divorce in front of you before?

No, it's my first one, but the guy was crazy.

He was Puerto Rican, of course.

Again, I have no problems with the Puerto Ricans.

The joke was about the Great Pacific garbage patch.

And also, Puerto Rico has a landfill issue.

You know about this.

Yes.

They don't recycle there.

Did you know that?

I know that.

Very good.

They just, Puerto Ricans are very proud, and we just want you to know that it's a beautiful island.

I've been there.

I love the island.

I've bicycled around old San Juan.

I loved Puerto Rico.

Thank you, Tony.

Can someone make a headline, a news headline out of that so that my mom knows I'm okay?

Can someone put that on MSNBC, please?

Tony Hinchcliffe.

Breaking news.

Tony Hinchcliffe has been to and loves Puerto Rico, especially the people of Puerto Rico who have the best sense of humors in the world.

Thank you.

Fuck.

Mia Love.

Congratulations.

I'm going to give you a medium-sized joke book.

There she goes.

Mio Love, ladies and gentlemen.

All right, one last bucket pull.

Then we're going to put a ribbon on this fucking thing.

There she goes.

Mio Love.

Gonna get one more comedian up here.

Make some noise.

60 seconds uninterrupted.

A lot of names here.

David, Joseph, Peter, Sullivan, everybody.

Four-named comedian.

Oh, my goodness.

Make some noise one more time for the Kill Tony debut of David Joseph Peter Sullivan.

Yeah, I just moved to Austin.

I was going to re-download the dating apps here.

First thing that came up when I searched dating apps, Chispa, a dating app for Latinos.

That shit's crazy.

I mean, come on, look it up if you don't believe me.

I mean, who?

imagine, imagine Cracker, a dating app for white people.

You'd get fucking shot.

Like,

I guess this is no longer Biden's America, this Chunk America, whatever, whatever the fuck you want to consider it.

But I was thinking about it.

Shit, like, what if I created an app for fucking gingers?

So I did.

And we've got

five users now.

We're few and and far between.

My only match is

two people.

One of them's in Scotland.

And one of them lives back where I'm from, in Portland.

And I may or may not be related to them.

That's my time.

Thank you guys.

David, Joseph, Peter, Sullivan.

Four first names on this motherfucker.

Is that your real name?

Yeah,

the middle names are my grandfathers, grandfathers, Joseph and Peter.

Wow.

Incredible.

Was he also a red?

I just thought it would be funny.

Sorry, I didn't know.

Was he also a redhead?

I think he was.

He died like a long time before I was born.

Right.

Or one of them died a long time before I was born.

The other one died like two years before I was born.

Right.

So, yeah.

Sorry.

Rick Lassman.

It's okay.

It's not your fault.

Wow.

Got away with that one.

Mew, mew mew, meow, mew, mew,

What is that the soundboard

Okay

David Joseph Peter Sullivan what's it like looking like you

Explain to us what a normal day is like first you wake up you immediately You know you go over and you I'd imagine you open your blind a little bit and you're just like

the sun right?

It's just like just fucking creeps you the fuck out

i don't belong in austin texas like i i belong on like a cold dreary island yeah and in fucking northern yeah europe like i don't belong here right no there's not a lot of us here i'll tell you that much how are you surviving do you carry an umbrella around with you

i've only been here like a month and a half but yeah okay where'd you come from portland oregon oh portland oregon that's i was born in born and raised in portland yeah right great place

It's not that great.

Dumpster fire.

Yeah.

Okay.

So what do you do for work?

In Portland, I worked in

finance in a

country club.

And then here, I was a FedEx driver for two and a half weeks.

What happened?

And then I quit because

fuck that shit.

Why?

Because it just fucking sucked.

Tell us more about it.

I delivered like around here, like to the Google building and

like a bunch of apartment buildings and it just fucking sucked.

So I quit.

And like I have savings so that like I can I can pay rent.

How much?

How much did you save exactly?

Like before $12,500.

Pretty close.

Yeah.

Yeah.

How close?

It was like $13,250.

I'm not wealthy.

Like that's not enough money to live on.

It's okay.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, it's gonna run out, you know?

Yeah, you're doing just fine too.

I'll get a redhead.

I'm trying to get another job.

Do you have any pets?

I have a dog.

Yeah, what kind of dog?

He's a German Shepherd Bordekali.

He's like 85 pounds.

Do you like turtles?

I'm neutral.

I'm neutral on turtles.

I don't know where that's coming from, but...

Get older, dude.

Get it.

You had a joke about a red-headed dating site, but have you ever actually ever been with another red-headed red-headed person?

No, because I feel like if I would, it would remind me too much of my sister.

So I have.

Your sister is also a redhead.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Wow.

Amazing.

Absolutely incredible.

The bloodline reduction.

If you make a baby with a blonde girl, does it come out with orange hair?

Okey-dokey.

All right, that was a real sister Mary Patterson Terrence

Clarence Thomas Jr.

Okay.

What would we be surprised to to know about you, David Joseph, Peter Sullivan?

Oh shit.

I'm technically a British citizen.

How did that happen?

No, it's not nice.

Sorry, you're way more important than me.

Worst country on earth.

Tell us about it.

Go ahead.

Well, my mom's a British citizen, and then she moved here, and she never got her citizenship.

So, like, I'm technically a British citizen.

Sounds like your mom's going bye-bye real soon.

Yeah.

I do actually have a kid, which is crazy.

You have a kid?

Unfortunately.

Wait, you have a kid?

Yeah.

You have a child?

Yeah.

You have a.

You shot semen out of your penis into a vagina and made a human.

Allegedly.

Oh, my God.

How old is this kid?

She would be.

Audience is shocked, by the way.

For those of you just listening at home, sometimes the audience mics don't pick up everybody.

No, nobody wants to have sex with a redhead.

It just sort of like happens, you know.

Wow.

She's about two years and two months.

I've never met.

I've covered it.

Yeah, the baby is born, Rick.

It was a FedEx joke, Tony.

Wow.

And

she

wasn't red-headed.

I've never met her.

You've never met her?

No, I don't know.

How is that possible?

Like,

the mom doesn't want me to meet her.

so oh you've never met the daughter okay i see i thought maybe this is some kind of glory hole action or something like that like you never met the woman that you impregnated was this a one-night stand uh

no okay how long were you with this girl for well i mean like we don't shit we don't fuck all right

We only had sex like four or five times and it was like it was like two and a half weeks and then she got pregnant.

Well, she told, she told me she couldn't get pregnant.

Like, she told me she was infertile.

So, you know, I was like, well, I wasn't worried about it.

Just giving her the old Boston cream.

Well, she, she told me she couldn't get pregnant.

That old red-headed fucking jelly bean over here.

Just blasting away.

She told you she couldn't.

Oldest trick in the fucking book.

I know.

I fell.

And there you are, just for red pubes, just fucking flying around the room.

Just.

I fell for it.

Yeah.

Old fucking red nut Jenkins over here.

Yeah.

Oh my god, you fell for it.

So did you blast inside of her all five times that you had sex with her?

You may have gotten lucky.

You could have had quintuplets.

I think so.

I don't know how it works.

No, it's just the one.

Just once.

Oh.

No, no, no, no, no, not quintuplets.

It's just the one.

Right, no, I'm saying you only came inside of her one time.

I think it was every time.

Every time.

I mean,

I was 21 years old.

I'm fucking ginger.

She told me she couldn't get pregnant, and I was like, fuck it.

This is awesome.

And then

she got pregnant, and it's Oregon.

The baby lives in Oregon, and abortion's legal.

So I was like, hey, you should get an abortion.

She's like, nah, I don't feel like it.

I don't feel like it?

Pretty much.

Yeah.

Oh, she tricked me.

She did trick me.

How ugly is she?

How ugly?

I don't know.

She's probably like an Oregon six, but like an Austin, Texas, like two.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

I cannot believe she will not introduce you to your own child.

If she says this, does she want to kill Tony?

Does she want to do that?

God, I hope not.

God, I hope not.

I hope not too.

Well, she's probably not.

I seriously doubt she does.

She's probably too busy raising a child.

So like.

You say it like it's not your child.

She's too busy raising your child.

Biologically, she's mine, but like emotionally, like spiritually, she's not.

So, wow, absolutely incredible.

Golden take it.

Golden take it.

My goodness.

So, you are just completely checked out.

You have completely given in to the fact that you will not be a father to this child.

It is amazing to see one of the whitest comedians on the show be such a black father.

I knew that was coming.

I would love to.

John Dee's and D.

Madness shaking their head no at the same time.

Never gets old to me.

I mean, I would love to,

but

it's either spend the next fucking

16 years of my life in Eugene, Oregon.

Right.

Or just fucking do what I want to do.

right and Eugene Oregon for I went I went to you know I went to I went to University of Oregon go ducks I guess number one in the country in football right now fuck uh but but it's a shithole it fucking sucks Eugene Oregon fuck that place it's either spend my life there or do the shit I want to do we understand the dilemma Jeff died yeah I'm just saying this is you guys can scoff all you want that's very progressive what he's saying yeah

why would I have this baby I'll just do what I want but you know it's the same this is I've I've heard this from chicks.

This is a tale as old as time.

Yeah.

I guess.

I mean, I feel fucking terrible about it.

You do?

Oh, yeah.

Big time.

Yeah.

Amazing.

Like, it weighs heavy on my mind.

Yeah.

All the time.

You've probably created one of the best strippers in the future, though.

Red band.

Red band will red band, ladies and gentlemen.

Here she comes.

Firestorm, everybody.

Here comes a little

here's the prey here she is cherry pie everybody a little

better red than dead ladies get out those wads make a rain put out the fire here she comes little red-headed uh fatherless girl

it's Samantha Joseph Peter Sullivan Jenkins

Fitzgerald Coming to the stage

cherry McFirepot

She doesn't have my last name.

Here she is.

Helena Hogwarts, everybody.

That was good.

She's swinging on the fire pole.

How old is this?

That was good.

That was good.

She doesn't have my last name, though.

Well, I mean, thank God for that.

I don't even know if she has red hair or not.

You don't know if she has red hair.

You've never seen a picture?

No.

You've never...

have you ever tried to reach out to the mother?

Yes.

And she says no.

Yes.

Why would she say no to you?

Because she fucking hates me.

Why does she hate you?

Because I told her to get an abortion.

Because I told her, okay,

I fucking hate you.

Why would you lie to me?

Why would you do this to me?

And she's like, well, if you don't want to be a father, then just fuck off.

And that's what I did.

Wow.

Yeah, that sounds like you got tricked all the way.

I don't even know if she has red hair or not.

That is.

like,

it weighs heavy on my mind.

Like, it's not a good thing.

Like,

golden, take it.

No, no, no.

This is this is not the way that children are supposed to be born.

Like, this is

why abortion.

Since you're a sweet little cinnamon boy, I'm gonna send you off with some cinnamon, zippix, nicotine toothpicks, zip more, smoke glass.

You guys want me to call the mom?

I don't think that's a great idea

I don't think it's a great idea

here's a big joke bug with some cinnamon Zippix toothpicks thank you guys I appreciate it there's no way she would pick up her I don't even have her phone numbers wow of course you don't he's a red beat dad

Roll time baby there he goes David Joseph Peter Sullivan ladies and gentlemen a medium red machine which could only mean one.

There's only one place to go after that, ladies and gentlemen.

I'd like to present to you the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, interviews on this show, Hall of Famer.

It is indeed the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Van Nuys Nigerian, the American Spirit

Salutatorian.

This is the one,

the only, the big red machine.

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

It's kind of really weird because I matched with this fucking ass on a red-headed dating website, so I don't know what the fuck he's

Jimmy Kimmel cried on his show the day after the election, and I don't know if it was because of Trump's victory or the fact that he had 112 viewers.

But seriously, it was kind of ironic when the tears made his black face run.

Okay, let's keep moving.

So, I'm actually working on a movie.

It's basically the pot of little giants, but instead of little league football, it's a man who competes in women swimming.

I mean, this is a true underdog story against all odds.

He sets multiple world records.

It's called Big Booty Bitches in Bikinis, Volume 4.

You know, the worst is when you intend on handing out Halloween candy, but then you get so high you eat it all, and then you remember you inserted razor blades.

All right, anybody here a fan of riddles?

Y'all like riddles?

Here's what's one for you.

I heard this the other day.

Who let the dogs out?

Okay, that's my time.

William lights out.

Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

I love a good nobody's watching Jimmy Kimmel joke.

Yeah, that was all, that right off the bat seemed weird with the crowd.

That scared me.

Literally nobody is watching it.

It is incredible.

Yeah.

It is just an absolute fact.

Yeah.

Gosh, and Tony, I have been, it's really scary.

I didn't tell you last week, but I got visited by a ghost or something in my apartment, Tony.

Again, I've been playing a bunch of Call of Duty recently, and I was laying on the chair thinking about starting to play Call of Duty, and I'm laying on the chair, and my girlfriend is sitting beside me, and my shirt does this.

Pretty scary.

And then

I'm at my cousin's house, Tony.

This past weekend in Charlotte, I was in Charlotte.

And by the way, I won't get too close to y'all.

I feel I'm very sick.

I was very worried about Charlotte, but I somehow made it through.

But Tony, I've been doing this today where I ask people what their heritage is.

Are you Native American?

I've just been doing some crowd work with that.

And then I'm talking to my cousin Trey, and they have one of the big speakers that's like the Google equivalent of an Alexa.

And out of nowhere, it says Native American Heritage, Native American Heritage twice.

Alexa said that in Charlotte?

Yeah, that's what my cousins Alexa said.

And nobody started.

It's weird.

It's somebody trying to tell me something.

I'm just trying to decipher what it means.

Why did they say that?

And you think it was perhaps a Native American ghost that slightly lifted up your shirt a little i don't know what it is i'm trying to figure it out tony but i swear to god it seems like it's somebody from the other side trying to communicate something to me and i'm just trying to figure out what that is wow so i'm kind of on a quest actually i don't know if you know this but rick actually sometimes can channel uh spirits uh

i've seen you do it before i know you're a little bit shy about it i don't want to put you on blast or anything but can you perhaps uh try to channel a spirit and uh see what happens here?

I wonder if the spirit will have a mustache.

Come out and say, hi-ya, hi-ya, hi-ya.

I think I'm just going to chill out.

Okay.

I don't know how the camera switches are working, but there's about four times tonight that Tony, like, he's my dad.

It goes like this.

I'm like, and every time I'm like, am I coming in too hot?

And now I'm going to do a spirit bit?

Yeah, you've relaxed for a few minutes.

Please, Rick, I need help, man.

Seriously.

Come on.

Will you please help me?

How many of you think Rick should help William right now?

Seriously.

Look at these people.

Look, look at them.

They want Rick.

I'm not doing good, man.

Please help me.

And seriously, after this, if you want to play Call of Duty, you could also do this at the apartment later, too.

Oh, I'll

maybe I will play that black guy in basketball.

No, but

the thing is I'm just I don't want to make a I do I do do that stuff sometimes

You do do that stuff.

You do do Luke is laying on me play some cherry pie again

It's okay.

You don't actually have to play cherry pie.

I don't want to make a joke out of talking to spirits because if I don't see anybody, then it's going to waste everybody's time.

I have a feeling.

I have a feeling.

I have a feeling it was the girlfriend who was sitting next to you who lifted your shirt.

That is a great prediction.

How do you know that's not the case?

Because it wasn't.

She did it.

I didn't feel anything.

And I'm laying, and I could have seen if she was.

Do you think that a Native American wanted to just see this?

Native American ghost.

I don't know what it is.

That is the problem with ghosts.

It's so subtle.

I know.

Like, if this just went.

That'd freak you the fuck out, but that's a terrible story, you know?

Like,

I'd be like, the pop, moo, and Everyone goes fucking right, because that is scary if you're alone and your shirt goes up.

Yeah.

Tough stuff.

Did you ask how?

What's the matter?

Two tens

Tony?

Let's get indie.

Wow.

So, other than the ghost

thing,

what else has been going on, William?

Gosh, Tony, it's...

Wait, so you really think that's kind of boring, though, the story?

Or what were you saying?

I think it's really bothering me right now.

Why is it bothering you?

I don't know, because it is kind of scary.

No, everything ghost is so boring.

You know, you'd be like, the other day, it turned on the faucet.

And you're like, yeah, it's probably an old fucking ghost.

Never seen water like that before, you know?

Yeah, what would a Native American, what kind of beef would a Native American possibly have with someone that looks like a Confederate war general?

I don't know.

I'm trying to figure it out.

I hate it, Tony.

I hate it.

I really do.

For sure.

Yeah, it's super scary.

I'm dealing with all this shit.

It's almost Thanksgiving, but I'll make it through.

Luckily, I don't have to go anywhere this weekend, Tony.

I'm excited.

Other than an Alexa and your shirt lifting up, has there been anything else?

Did you feel somebody poke your hauntess or something like that?

I wish, but no, I have to do it.

Did your Lando lakes melt quickly or something like that?

No, it's just literally those two things.

I'm trying to just put it all together.

It's kind of hard.

I have a thought.

Yes, Rick Lassman.

I don't know for sure, but you could ask maybe this ghost to tell you a joke and see if it's corny or not.

Ah,

well,

that joke was amazing.

You know what?

I do see a ghost, and and that's 100 years from now.

Your ghost that's going to be haunting this place with the quickest quibs and the funniest one-liners I've ever seen.

You want to get haunted by a Native American?

Boring.

You want to get native by...

Whatever, something.

Hey, much like whatever the joke the guy said, I didn't land it, but we're here to pitch jokes sometimes.

We don't always have to be on.

Tony.

William Montgomery, you did it again.

Here's some cinnamon zippics for you.

Some nicotine toothpicks.

Those are really good.

You're gonna love them.

Some zippics for you.

Some zippics for you.

Nicotine toothpicks.

I'm telling you, they're amazing.

It's the future.

Thank you to Squarespace, Blue Chew, Prize Picks, Game Time, Talk Space, and Zippics.

The drawing from Ryan J.

Evelt is in.

How loud can this place get for the great Rick Glassman, ladies and gentlemen?

Rick, promote some stuff.

Give them your website or your podcast or whatever.

You can go ahead.

They can can hear you.

My podcast is called Take Your Shoes Off.

I am doing a 15 City store starting in January.

Go to punchup.live slash Rick Glassman.

Thank you for having me.

There you go.

It's a hell of a website.

Jeff Dye.

Make some noise for fucking Jeff Die.

Thank you.

I have a special called The Last Cowboy in LA that comes out this Thursday, November 14th.

Also, I'm on Joe Rogan again this 14th.

This Thursday.

Fuck yes.

Big stuff happening.

Tickets on sale soon for the stream, the two-night streaming event of the H-E-B Center.

Our return, New Year's Eve, and the night before, 1230, 1231.

We're back in arenas yet again.

Trouble is a brewing.

Anything can happen.

Red Band, you want to say anything to these people?

Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, SunsetStripATX.com.

Love you guys.

A lot of fun stuff coming around the corner.

Big announcements.

Big stuff happening.

Thank Thank you again.

Go check out Adrian Aya Pelucci's new Netflix special, The Dark Queen.

Check out everything.

David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Ari Maddie, and William Montgomery.

And how about one more congratulations to the newest golden ticket winner, Aya, everybody?

Thank you guys.

Good night.

We love you.

Thank you.

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