#689 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + DR. PHIL (ADAM RAY)

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network.

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And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

It's Cliff.

Las Vegas is ready for the best fucking night of their lives.

What the fuck is up, Las Vegas, Nevada?

Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh my goodness. How fucking exciting is this? We are here.

Wow.

The energy here in beautiful Resorts World Theater in Las Vegas, Nevada is palpable. Very, very beautiful place.
Supposedly one of the newest theaters here in Vegas. How many of you live in Nevada?

Wow.

See, you guys get to see some real shit live in the flesh tonight. Let's just jump right.
How about a hand for the best sand band in the land, huh?

We get to see them live on this one. That is indeed the great groove line horns.

Make some noise for Carlos Sosa,

Raul Vallejo,

and Fernando Castillo.

That is Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

The great Matt Muelling on the electric guitar.

John Dees on the keys.

And that's D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen. His first time

playing here in Las Vegas, Nevada.

At least that's where he thinks he is.

We have a very fun show planned for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

two guests tonight a two guest show introducing your first guest a man who is one of my favorite comedians of all time one of my favorite comedic actors of all time many many saying

that this is the frontrunner for the 2024 guest of the year

las vegas i'd like to introduce you to the great and powerful harlan williams

Oh boy.

Here we go.

Live in the flutch.

Fully recovered from Lyme disease.

He's back.

Yeah. Actually, go to that one go that one.
Yeah Harlan Williams ladies and gentlemen

Wow, I gotta tell you gang this is uh this is a well

We almost lost him to Lyme disease.

No, this is a tough night as you know Tony and most of you

who follow me on the inter Google.

17 years ago today, my father passed away, and he was

killed by rabies.

He was attacked by a rabies skunk. We're farm folk.

And as you know, one day, you can read it on the inter Google. My dad was out in the cobs,

and we heard some rustling around, and the old man was bit by a rabies skunk and passed away. So this is a big knife for me, and I want to thank you for having me here.

Dad, I hope you're in the big niblet in the sky. I feel like he's looking over us right now.
I can smell the rabies skunk beaming off of him.

Yep, that's a sign right there. That was him.
Yeah.

Harland is joining us all night long with one other guest, and I'm going to bring out that guest right now

while sitting here with who many claim will be the 2024 guest of the year. Joining us

on this panel is Kill Tony Hall of Famer,

a golden ticket winner, and the 2023 guest of the year,

ladies and gentlemen. This is indeed the one and only Dr.
Phil.

Oh, shit.

Oh

more Barbabooga.

Oh, he is already on fire.

Oh my goodness.

Oh boy.

Oh

my god.

No one does it quite like them folks. Vegas, make some fucking noise if you're excited to be alive tonight.

Jiggle those kitties and get those hands in the air. Let's fucking go.

Some dudes pulled out their tits on that one.

Jiggle them tits. Tony, good to be here.
Hell yeah. Red Band, good to see you.
The man, Harlan. The myth.
The light.

How are you, Doc? Well, I want to say something real quick. There's a special time.
Vegas. Kill Tony in Vegas.
Give it up for that. That's a big fucking deal.

Never thought we'd get here, but you did it.

But it's kind of a big day for me. About 10 years ago,

a woman that my dad was fucking died from rabies. And I want to take a moment of silence for that twat.

Okay, that's good. Thanks for having me, Tony.
Well, luckily, you're two of the best guests in the show's history, so you know exactly how it works.

Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. It's absolutely thick chaos, filled.
to the brim. No doubt about it.

If I pull their name out, we're going to meet them all together. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted.
You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry Fremont Street Bear.

Ooh, a big pop for Fremont Street. Wow, some old school Vegas people here.
Some real fucking white trash in the house. Some real fucking...
Desert monkeys, you know what I'm saying?

Some real fucking sand snails out here. Some real fucking cactus.

You know what I'm saying?

Yeah, all right. Saw a couple Asian Jews in the crowd too, Tony.
Oh, yeah.

There's those too, but

I call them cactus.

While we go wrangle that first bucket pull of the night, let's get it started with perhaps what many say is one of the greatest regulars and comedians in the history of the show.

I can think of no better way to start a show like like this than with a young man who, you know, a place like Las Vegas, a swing state, I think represents very well the greatness that is the United States of America.

And this first comedian is on a mission to become an American citizen.

Truly one of the fastest rising stars in all of stand-up comedy, this is a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

Thank you.

You know what I did recently?

I had sex with my ex.

Woo!

Highly recommended.

That shit is the best. We went back to her place.
I saw her pussy like an old friend.

There he is.

Isn't it the best when you fuck an ex? Because you know that pussy. You know all the buttons.

It's like playing Tony Hawk Proscator 2 again.

Because that's the worst when you start dating somebody new. You get that new pussy.
You're like, what the fuck?

It's like new pussy is like switching to Android.

You're like, why is it cream?

Because that's the worst where you start dating somebody new. Guys don't have that.
That's why dick is the best, like, overall.

Because it's universal. Dick is like a USB-C.

I don't need to, you know, every guy here I could fucking

I don't need to know you.

I don't need to put Phil Collins on

for atmosphere.

dude, if they lock the doors in the back and they're like, okay, Ari, the only way we get out is we need a bucket of gum,

we're all out before midnight.

But if they tell me the only way we get out is I need to make three women here come,

we're all gonna starve to death.

Thank you very much, Las Vegas.

Thank you.

He's done it again. Ari Matty.
Thank you.

Coming out with pure swagger. I do believe.
I mean, that has to be a new suit. That is unbelievable.
I just got it today. It was $1,000.

I am financially in ruins.

You look fucking fantastic. Thank you.
It is incredible. You've done it again.
Have you been to Vegas before? The first time in Las Vegas.

Let's get married.

Harland Vegas.

I feel like a complete idiot.

About half an hour ago, I let this guy ballet my car.

It's mine now, Harland.

It smelled like pussy juice, I gotta tell you.

What flavor?

Raspberry sunblast.

Okay. Alright, Maddie, what have you done in Las Vegas so far? I went to Ross and Dress, and it's an amazing store.

Holy shit. Don't even steal, dude.
It's $2

for everything, dude. I've never heard anybody call it the entire name of the store.
Yes. It's usually just Ross, but I didn't...
Ross and Dress, right? Ross Andress.

For a second, I thought you were naming a friend's character and another guest dog. dog.

What did you buy? I bought like a golden shirt, some shorts.

Wow.

It's a blazing on that. Hell yeah.
I bought some jeans, some women's lingerie. I mean, it's for free, so

might as well.

Where would you wear a golden shirt? Backstage.

Where the bitches are at.

Good answer.

Fuck yeah, fuck yes you mentioned oh go ahead Tony. No, you go ahead.
Well you mentioned a green pussy that you ate. Yes

Who who was it? It was my ex was your ex my sweet angel Estonian? Yes, I miss her very much, but I need to get a passport, so

It was very sad. Thanks for bringing it up Well, a green pussy in America feels like a red flag.
Do you know what I'm saying? So maybe you're dodging a bullet. Red flag is great.

Red, white, and blue. Yes, America.

It's a correct answer. Be sure to answer it that way on your exam for citizenship.

That's the sound. When you hear that sound, you know.
You're that much closer to being. I've never gambled.
I've never even tried to put money on something. I'm very excited to lose all of it.
Okay.

I've heard of this expression, beginner's luck. Uh-huh.
I might win a million dollars tonight. What game are you thinking about playing?

It was the guys we're talking in the back. It's Baccarat.

It's Baccarat. It is the famous game of poker.

And then I want to pull a lever to win some coins.

I love it. You're in for some diss I don't think coins have come out of a slot machine in 30 years.

I have Apple Pay too.

There's also a fun way to gamble. You get into an Uber pool, okay? You take your dick out and you see if you get arrested or not

Don't try it

Unless you're feeling lucky

If someone came up to you in the casino and said I'll give you a million bucks if you'll sleep with me tonight Hmm Would you do it my guy? Who is this person asking me Robert Redford

Don't know who that is. I will do it

You're gonna need to know for your citizenship test. Okay, how about this? It's the owner of Ross and Dress.
Ross, it's Mr. Ross himself? Yeah, I love it.
I will put on a dress for Ross

Ari Matty. I cannot possibly think of a better way to get this show started.

With a fucking bang. Ari Matty.

And here we go. We shall begin the process of our first bucket pull of the night.
Now,

how many of you are fans of the show?

Well, Wow,

you may have brought a plus one or a date with you tonight that might not know, but this is the part where things get crazy. Ari makes it look easy.
Our regulars make it look easy.

Our golden ticket winners make it look easy. But it is not easy at all.
Thank you so much. Make some noise for the great Valerie Vaughn and Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

With us all night. That's the real deal.
Some incels that can't even look directly at them. I love it.
I love to see our fucking nerdy fans that are just used to sitting back on YouTube.

I don't want to get an erection while next to people at a show. Uh-buh-uh-buh-uh-buh.

Anyway, so the shit can hit the fan. It could also be the next great talent.
We found all of our stars out of this bucket. It could be a completely insane person.
Anything can happen.

Your first bucket pull of the night, bucket pull number one, goes by the name of Corey Grumpy Johnson

it's a good name let's see what happens Corey Grumpy Johnson here he is ladies and gentlemen

make some noise for Corey everyone

2024 crazy year crazy year

OJ Simpson and Nicole are back together again

Didn't see that one coming. I really didn't see that one coming at all.

Recently, I went to Five and Below,

and

I was a little confused because I almost spot, excuse me, I almost spent $27,

but I only tried to buy three things.

Now,

I'm half white, so a part of me just wanted to go straight Karen.

But then I realized realized I'm half black. So I just stole the shit.

Fuck five and below.

Is it me or should more gay men be winning these hot dog eating contests?

I just feel like they practice more.

Thank you.

Wow, Corey Grumpy Johnson, Johnson, a great comedy name. I saw the shirt first.
You are now witnessing greatness, and my expectations hit the ground for you.

Unbelievable. Nicole Brown Simpson reunited.
You think she went to hell? Yes. Yes.
She went to hell. Apparently, she was a piece of shit too, Tony.
Whoa.

I've never seen anyone take OJ's side in the argument before.

Holy shit. Dr.
Phil.

Well, I followed OJ on Twitter up until he passed. And

I agree with you on that. You know, he was entertaining post-murder, you know.

He'd always be in a Costco parking lot being like, what's up, Twitter world?

You ever know us how? What the fuck was that, Red Man?

That was Speedy Gonzalez from the Looney Tunes?

That was O.J. Simpson getting some potato salad at a Costco.

Anyway, what did Nicole do that made you go, fuck this bitch?

Well word on the street is she was a what street

Fremont Street

Well played. I set you up for that.
It is literally this section.

Somehow this is the Fremont Street section of

How did they I guess if you bought your tickets in that like Wi-Fi zone you got that section none of these people reacting to Fremont Yeah, this is Fremont Street. This is Sesame street over here

just cookie monsters and elmo dolls

couple strippers okay so nicole did what apparently nicole was a whore man

where do you is this real you've heard

oh okay

which word on the street tony just a joke satire I feel like Corey's on the street a lot, so he might have the ears down to the ground. Corey, how long you been trying to stand-up comedy?

I've been doing it a little over a year now. All of it here in Vegas? You live here? No, I'm from Phoenix.
You made the trip for this?

Shout out to Phoenix there you go did you make the trip here for this yeah we drove up I actually I took off today for work we me and my girlfriend shout out to Angela I love you we drove up here and uh we're actually turning around and driving back I got work in the morning so special shout out for Angela after defending domestic abusers for half your time up here

That's called a love bomb what you just saw everybody. That's one of the positive moments of their relationship.
What do you do for work? I'm a cook. Oh, yeah.
What are you cooking? I cook at a bar.

So just bar food. Yeah.
Okay. You have a deep fryer? I do.
You have a microwave? I have four deep fryers, a flat top, a microwave. That's pretty much it.
Wow. Hell yeah.

You have a microwave? I do. So you're a chef?

Some may call it that.

Yeah, you didn't know that's all you needed, huh, Harlan? That's it. I guess I'm a fucking chef, too.

I noticed you have a neck tattoo, my guy. You don't see a lot of chefs, like chef boy RD doesn't have a neck tattoo of lasagna, you know what I mean? He should have.

Well, I've been to prison, so you know. You've been to prison okay.
Well, that would explain the microwave, yeah.

What have you been to prison for, and how many times did Angela call the cops before they showed up?

Good question, Tony. Do you get the feeling he was OJ's cellmate and OJ told him to say this shit? Yeah.

What's his pin number?

His pin number. 3232.

What'd you go to prison for?

I went to prison. When I was a kid, man, I was running around as a wild dude.
And from 15 to 31, I've been in the middle of the day.

That's a large window. You're good.

When I was a kid, I was pretty wild. 15 to 31.

That's like going into a shirt store being like, do you have a men small or a dinosaur triple X?

It's for a friend. Jesus Christ, that's a huge timeline player.

I didn't go straight through. I just was in and out a lot and a lot of stuff.
Okay, let's talk about it.

Rattle off time. How many of you want to hear some of this guy's fucking rap sheet?

You beat somebody to death with a microwave at 15. Am I correct? No, no, no.

Burglary, stealing cars, a lot of, I was a knucklehead doing a lot of dumb shit.

But, you know, I turned my life around.

How did you turn it around?

I turned it around. Arizona helped.
I'm from Philly originally. So when I got out of the environment.

If you turn your life around in Arizona, that's fucking amazing.

Yeah, I moved out there and you know, just changed my life. I started doing things differently.
Put a lot of the drugs and alcohol and stuff down.

I still drink a little bit, but put the drugs and stuff down. What kind of drugs were you doing? Coke, heroin, a a lot of heavy shit wow heroin what's the best now i've always wanted to try heroin

you know i'd say four days a week

no you don't do well don't tell me how to live my fucking life but

four days a week i wake up asking myself you know could i get a neck tattoo and be a chef maybe heroin's the only thing standing in my way

What's the best part about heroin?

The escape, the feeling. You know, at first it's awesome, and then it's really not.
Where do you escape to?

Uh, wherever you want to go, it'll take you to the moon if you, if that's where you want to go. Well, fuck you, who doesn't want to go to the moon?

I thought you had to take a space shuttle, but I could just inject myself with some juice. Probably, it might take you to the grave, soon.
You got to be careful with that.

Whoa, whoa, got dark real quick. Yeah, Jesus Christ.
He's like, Yeah, you could go to the moon for 15 to 31 years.

Sorry, I had to get that in. Corey, fun times.
Congratulations. I'm going to give you a medium-sized joke, Buck.

Nice catch. There you go.
Great catch, especially for a heroin addict. Incredible reflexes.
Usually they lose that. Okay, we're going to keep it moving along.

Between every bucket pool, I have a special treat for you guys throughout the night. Does that sound cool?

Sounds like a pretty fucking amped up, awesome show to me, doesn't it?

Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian doing a brand new minute is the

basically the most recent golden ticket winner in the show's history ladies and gentlemen this is a return I mean this kid is like a fucking throwback to a different era just as fucking silly jewy

as it gets

Young Larry David, young Woody Allen vibes, whackadoodle. He's like if you put a fucking

Holocaust victim in a microwave and just fucking radioed him up. I'd like to introduce you to the next minute by the great Jack Shaw, everybody.
Here he is.

One of the young rising stars of the show.

A brand new minute from him. Uh-oh, here he is.
Hold him.

Oh boy. Uh-oh.

Make some noise for Jack Shaw.

I don't know about you guys, but I love to play with my penis.

There's so many things you can do with it.

You can talk out of the little hole. You can go, me, me, me, me, me, me.
You can do that.

You can, oh, you can put your glasses on it. You can make the man with the big nose.
You guys know that guy?

But my favorite thing to do above all is to beat it till it cries. Who's with me, Las Vegas?

It makes people so uncomfortable when I talk about masturbating at the dinner table.

I don't know why. It's such a lovely experience, but I realize I never smile when I do it.

Does anyone do that?

No, it's this thing I love to do, but it seems to make me angry. Do you guys know what what I'm talking about?

Think about it the next time you're masturbating. Think about me.

Think about it.

You're not going to be like,

no, you're going to be like, ah.

Ah.

I think the reason that I don't,

that I get so angry is because I don't like what my penis looks like. It looks a little bit like Mitch McConnell, a little bit.

And I've never sent a dick pic.

And you know why? Because I've never once looked at my penis and thought, you know what? Someone else needs to see this.

Thank you all so much. I'm Jack Shaw.
Jack Shaw talking about his penis for a minute 20 seconds straight.

Unbelievable. Can I just get clarity?

What was the noise you did at the beat? Your penis goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Oh, it's more, no, no, no, it's more of a me, me, me, me, me.

You know, that's the exact same sound a horn on a Walmart electric fucking wheelchair makes, right?

No, I did not. I did not.
Well, the next time you're masturbating in Walmart, you'll find out.

Is that where you do it? Is that where you like to do it? No. You know, Walmart?

I don't think I like your fucking attitude right now, Jack, if I'm being perfectly honest. I'm looking for partners, dude.
I'm looking for friends. Well, just say that then.
Okay, yes. Thank you.

Dude, that target, you have something to aim for. Yeah.

Jack, how come you can't send the right dick pic? Because lighting is a big part of it, but also location and who you send it to.

I don't really like, I've never sent one.

I don't really like the way it looks. Well, you got to believe in yourself.
Oh, sure. Well, if I believe too hard,

I shoot for the moon.

Well, I can get you some heroin from Corey.

You, uh, you, uh, you know,

circumcised or uncircumcised guy? Good question. Oh,

big circumcised. I have a lot of circumcision.
So like you still got skin on the back of your neck type of thing?

Extremely circumcised.

Very, very Jewish. You said that sometimes you put glasses on it and it looks like a man with a big nose.

Are you talking about your father?

Yes.

Do you ever do any special tricks,

Jewy tricks? Like you ever take a condom and just sit it on the back base like a yarmulke? i i reuse them

oh wow

very thrifty

thrifty and shifty jack shaw ladies and gentlemen what else is going on how do you feel about being in las vegas nevada oh my god dude it's so cool man i i i love it i have a i definitely have a gambling problem for sure tell us about it well i'm i keep losing i keep losing at it I love Blackjack.

I love that game. Okay.

I thought there was a guy that you knew. Yeah.

That's what my friends tell me to dress up as in Halloween. Oh, shit.
We'll be right back.

Fun, fun, fun. And you're still living in Los Angeles, correct? Yes, I am, but I'm planning to go to Austin.

You're planning on going to Austin or moving to Austin? To move to Austin. There you go.
That's a whole different thing. Look at you.
That's amazing. Unbelievable.

I love it how he talked about his dad. If I could just reflect on a sentimental moment, I'll never forget

my dear father who passed away from rabies.

He used to, when I was a boy, when I was nine years old, he used to take me behind Kentucky fried chicken and put coleslal over my head and throw me in the dumpster and tell me I was a sea monster.

Well, if you're going to laugh, fuck off.

Wait, that's it?

I guess so.

That's it.

My dad died of rabies. What else do you want?

If you can look away, your face is really fucking me out.

Sorry about that. I feel like his face is going to orgasm on me any second.
Like, just turn it over that way, squirty. He's a wild boy.
He's a wild boy. Jack, are your parents proud of you?

Say his full name, Jack Off. Jack, yes.

Jack, are your parents proud of you they are

well yeah i think so i

i think so they wish i wouldn't talk about masturbating so much but they do it why because they hear you do it yeah

do you live with them still i do uh upstairs or downstairs same level fuck wow

so they hear all your little can i take a gander at what you sound like when you're having an orgasm of course actually i'm gonna give you guys three options and you will play a little game called, hey, which one of these is Jack's come noise?

Red Band, hit me with some theme music. Here we go.
Red Band, hit me. Here it is.

Oh,

that's fucking perfect, Red Band. Holy shit.
All right, here we go. First noise.
Harlan, you can do the second one. All right.

Tari!

Okay, that's the first option. Harlan, what's the second one? Second one goes something like this.

The mighty Jewaka.

What's the third option? And the third option is, well, Jack,

why don't you give us an option? Yeah, sure. It's more of an ow, ow, ow!

Ow!

Wow, ow, but you're doing, but you're doing it to yourself. Well, I go hard in the paint, Dr.
Bell.

Wow. Yeah, you do.
Fucking Akeem Elijah over here.

You get the feeling he has catlet or gravel in his Vaseline?

I don't know. I don't know what that means.
Okay, audience, which one do we think it was? Option number one, option number two, or option number three?

A lot of people surprisingly saying two. A lot of people say two.
Holy shit.

Use the fall, Schloop.

Jack, which one is it?

Number two, everyone.

There he goes, Jack Shaw. Jack, you're done.
Thank you, Jack. Absolutely.
There he goes, Jack Shaw. Good job.
Jack, put that mic stand back up there. One more time for Jack, everybody.

All right, y'all. Gather around because Monet Exchange from Sibling Rivalry is here with an announcement.
This episode of the podcast is brought to you by Google Gemini.

Now, listen, listen, the girls over at Google said, Monet, tell the children, so I'm telling you, U.S. college students get Google Gemini's Pro Plan free for one year.

Use the best model in the world for multimodal understanding.

So whether you're uploading a video to get feedback on your presentation, uploading a photo of your homework to ask for help, or transcribing notes from a lecture you missed, Gemini 3 Pro can help.

And baby, if I had this in college, oh, she would have been unstoppable. Picture it.

Monet exchanged in the library, uploading a picture of my music theory homework, like Gemini, please help Adiva out or recording my rehearsal videos for feedback instead of crying in the practice room for three hours.

This would have been life-changing. Now, back to the goods.
Sign up to get more access to Google's most accurate model, Gemini 3 Pro.

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Terms apply.

Comaruinar susenas festivas, y levino unidea, de las more retorsidas, salpicaris papitas everde, constazon de pepinido, y conesos fedos qualcetines, vermi retorcido motivo.

Así que siquires provar lo que crinch preparo ver McDonald's y veras lo que tremor, en novo cringe meal, ya en McDonald's en McDonald's participants asagotar existencias. Para, pop, pop, pop.

And like that, we're on to our second bucket pull of the night. We're gonna keep it moving along.
Make some noise for Izzy Hall, everybody. We're gonna meet them all together.
Izzy Hall.

A whole new crop of people out here

in the desert of Western America This is Las Vegas Nevada and your next bucket pull is Izzy Hall here. He is make some noise for Izzy everybody

So I'm not homophobic

but I just hate that those bastards have kind of reclaimed the rainbow. I used to love the rainbow.

That shit's gay now.

I recently found out that the G-spot's in the asshole. Like, what's up with that?

Like, because I believe in God,

but I don't understand why an omniscient creator would put a come really hard button right up in my asshole and expect me not to go searching.

And if I do, I go to hell.

And they give them, like, a really cute name, like Sodomy or whatever.

Recently, I've tried to figure out like

who is going to be coming first. Is it the top or the bottom? So I'm watching a lot of gay porn, like trying to figure it out.

And then unfortunately just, it's me.

Thank you, guys.

56 seconds from Izzy Hall.

Hi, Izzy. Hey, Tony.
How are you? I'm doing really well. I love it.
I love it. Welcome.
How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my first time. Wow, look at that.
Incredible.

How old are you, Izzy?

I'm 24. 24.
Look at you. First time, and you are the captain now.

I got to tell you.

All right, Tony. I'm on the same page with this guy, man.
Okay.

I'm on the same page with you about the rainbow, dude. Like, remember, the rainbow used to be, you saw a beautiful rainbow.

You go over the other side, there's a leprechaun and marshmallows and unicorns. Now you go over the rainbow, and there's four guys in a hot tub at a Motel 6 in Bakersfield.

Not cool, not cool, bro. Usually, I thought they would find you at the end of the rainbow, to be fair.
What the fuck is that sorry to me?

He looks like the replica at the end of the rainbow is where I was trying to get a lot of people. Do you think Leprechaun at the end of the rainbow? Is that what you said?

What did he say? What say it again? He thinks you're the world's largest leprechaun. Izzy's clearly never seen a white person before.

No, he's just eaten lucky charms in Ethiopia, wherever you're from. Where are you from? You remind me of Somali that I used to know.

Correct, it's Ethiopia. It's all the same shit, to be honest.

I nailed it. You're Ethiopian? Yes, yes, yes, Tony.
Absolutely. I fucking love that song.
Why'd you stop it?

Wait,

where is Ethiopia on a map?

Africa. Okay.

It's on the east side.

It's called the Horn of Africa. What's that mean? It means no worries.

There you go. Second favorite song on that album.

Wow. Izzy easily offended, it seems.
No, no.

That was fun. What was that weird fake laugh you just did?

No,

you're a thoughtful guy. You went from the buttholes to G-Spot to I believe in God in about three seconds.
No, because everything's like created for a reason. You know, that's what I like.
And

so with the G-spot, I guess, in the guy's ass.

Did you? But you can't go there. Did you hear that from a friend, or is that a fact you found out on your own?

Because facts are always fun to find.

And I talk about that in my book.

But I want to know when you find, when you learn stuff, do you do it from hearsay or from your own discoveries? Well,

it's like I can't find out, right? It's like there's a rule that I can't go explore, so I just have to

take word of mouth, do it. Somebody yells.
What's the craziest thing you've ever had up your ass? Good question, Tony.

I'm afraid my mom's gonna watch this. Yeah.

Well, too soon.

She's the one that named you Izzy. Yeah.

It's short for Isaiah. Like you have a mother.

It's a Q-tip. The answer is a q-tip.
Wow, the rapper q-tip. Absolutely incredible.
So you've been to P. Diddy's house and

I've never been there before.

You ever put a coconut up there? Coconut. Coconut.
Coconut. Coconut.
Coconut. Coconut.
Pie.

Coconut. Coconut.
Coconut pie.

What the fuck just happened?

Holy shit.

Looks like we Ethiopianed up a wormhole here.

Izzy, what do you think is the most Ethiopian thing about you? Do you ever just stop eating?

Do you ever just starve yourself? Because it's like it runs through your body. I think the most Ethiopian thing about me is my forehead.
It's a really defining thing. I don't eat a lot.

But like, that's by choice.

Didn't I see you on one of those Sarah

commercials yeah

I mean that's how I'm here I was sponsored

in the arms of a q-tip you're funny dude you're rolling with the punches tonight

you just fake grabbed it a fly that was funny yeah I don't understand that I see those commercials you guys think that we can't swat flies

it is aggressive I don't know yeah I could swat flies are you good at swatting flies you have a we have a bag bag of flies. We were expecting an Ethiopian bucket pull.

Okay, I was lying about being able to swat flies. Oh, oh, look out.
Look out.

Dude,

I am this close to sending you 50 cents a month, I gotta tell you. I'd appreciate it.

I'd appreciate it. And by the way, your fuzzy hair, man, you'd make a great fucking Q-tip, I gotta tell you.

Come find my G-spot right now. Come on.

Come on.

Who were those twins? Those Caribbean twins? Oh, the

island boys? Island boys, yeah. Has anyone ever told you that you look like one of the island boys in Blackface?

No. Yeah, well, I just said.

You love me tonight's Doritos joke of the night. Uh-oh.

That's okay.

He doesn't like it when people make fun of him. I don't know if anybody's watching this.
You look like anorexic ventriloquist dumping. Wow.

I haven't heard that since I started. Tony, you look like

you asked for samples at a sperm bank. Wow, this is unbelievable.
Entry-level roast jokes, ladies and gentlemen. Anyway, it's literally my first time.
That's okay.

Maybe don't fucking box with Mike Tyson. Play the video game, dude.
Yeah.

Play the video game.

Go home and go home. It's my first time roasting.
I'm going to go against the guy that does it probably better than anybody in the world.

I'm living my dreams here. You know what I love about the third island boy? Yeah.

You know what you find on islands? Coconut. Coconut.
Coconut. Coconut.
Coconut. Coconut.
Pie. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

Wow.

I think we found our first two Avengers of the guest history of Keltoni. They are joining forces.
This is like when they came out with a Wolverine Deadpool movie or something.

Harland and the doctor. That's how you find the Ethiopian G-spot.
Elbow Fist.

Izzy, before I let you go, I gotta know, because you seem like a very charismatic guy.

Is there anything else crazy about your life that we should know about?

I mean, I feel like there's something more to you. Are you?

I was drugged.

I was drugged by some prostitutes in Colombia. In Colombia? Yeah, amazing.
Okay. What did they do to you? Nothing.

I got away really quickly because I speak Spanish, but if I hadn't, I would have been in

a lot of problems. It was like an EDM music festival that I went to.
I didn't know that they were at the time. They just seem really cool.

Most prostitutes are.

Yeah.

Yeah.

It's a problem over there, I guess.

Do your parents live here?

No,

they're refugees. Oh, I love the refugees.

They did

the few the wait. Lauren Hill.
Yeah, the Fujis. Yeah, yeah.
They're the yes. No, um...

I came here. I came to like...

Okay, Red Band, how many bug noises do you have for this guy? Relax. Jesus, Jack Andy.
Graces.

I came to America on like

on a visa. Yeah.

A visa?

No, on a visa.

Legally? Yeah. Instead of like walking here like is like what people do these days? It's a tough walk from Ethiopia.

Hey be nice to the guy. Look at his legs.
He was attacked by someone with a typewriter.

Well, you know what, Izzy? Your set was just okay, but since it was your first time and I think you have a lot of fucking work to do, you're going to get the first big joke going tonight, buddy.

Here you go, coming at you.

Izzy Hall, ladies and gentlemen.

We're joking back to another special treat. We're gonna keep it moving fast here because it's a long walk from the back.

If you want to rock and roll, this guy is neither a regular nor technically a golden ticket winner, but he is a legend of the show's history. He is America's favorite uncle.

You know him, you love him. This is indeed a brand new minute from David Jolly

David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen.

Send these motherfuckers out faster. Whoever's working the back, send them out faster.

How y'all doing tonight, way people in Puerto Rico? Hello?

Hell yeah. Y'all watch the Olympics?

That shit was crazy as hell, man. They had breakdancing in their liveries.

In four years them niggas gonna be shooting craps

These goddamn Germans can really roll a seven George

Hell yeah Netflix. I'm sick of Netflix.
They ripping us off. I'm glad I'm stealing that shit

They keep on giving us these horrible ass movies man. They bad then they got the voiceover on them voiceover shitty as hell like French voiceovers.
Who watch French movies?

That's like watching gay porn. No nobody want to see that shit

The thing is if you're gonna give us voiceovers and they be that bad voiceovers at least make them interesting, you know like put a hood nigga on a couple of them bitches

Let them do like the godfather

I'm gonna give you an offer. You can't refuse She

Ain't no way you gonna turn this down

Or like switch it up. Let a white dude do like a hood ass movie, you know Let a white dude do boys in the hood

Yo, Ricky, dude, he has a gun, bro.

Oh, shit, he shot Ricky, bro. Fuck.

Ricky was working on his credit, dude.

Ricky was a great guy, bro.

All right, thank y'all very much, man. David Jolly with a new minute.
Fuck yeah, welcome back, David. Yeah, huh? Welcome.
Thank you, my brother. How you doing? Man, I'm doing fucking great.

Man, hell yeah. We in Vegas.
I'm trying to buy some pussy.

Hell yeah. What's your budget right now? What's your pussy budge? $40.

Wow. You can have Dr.
Phil for $30.

Shit, it were four easy payments of $6.99. Hey, you might get a deal today, baby.

You feel me? I don't know what you just said, but okay.

I should have brought my translator out here.

No, you crushed it, Dave. You fucking crushed it up there, baby.
Thank you.

Can I say something? I got a little bone to pick with you, my guy. All right.

I just want you to know that those voiceover people work really hard to do what they do. I don't think I like your attitude.

It's the same Chinese dude in every movie playing the male and the female part. That's some bullshit.
Well, I don't know. That's a goddamn rip off, man.
That's Hans Kim. I know who it is.

It's goddamn Hans. You're going to trick me, bitch.

I don't know. I agree with you.

By the way, I'm so glad you got the Wendy's shift off to come and do the show tonight. What's the Wendy feel? I don't get out.
Well, that's a Wendy's drive-through shirt, my man.

Oh, that's a nice-ass shirt. Feel the tampon.

Let's not play pretend on my time.

It's a good fucking shirt. Let me feel it.
Let me feel it. It's a good fucking shirt.
I'm telling you, huh? Where'd you steal that from?

No, I got this from Diddy's. It was only $7.
You know, I'm on a budget, baby. Diddy's? That's a nice shirt, man.
You got that from Diddy's? It feels like it's a tampon by Charles. Donald, right?

Tampon with wings. Yeah, I wish I had a tampon shirt, like a real tampon.
I wish you had a two-google. I would really like that.

You look like black Charlie Brown. Thank you, my brother.
I appreciate that. Charlie Black.
It's a compliment. Yeah, I like that.

It's an esteemed character. You talking about the black dude from Charlie Brown or black Charlie Brown? No, Charlie Black.
Charlie Black? Yeah. That's the little dirty nigga from Charlie Brown?

You're damn right. You just said inside here.
I don't look like him now. No, no, I said like Charlie Brown, the main character.
Hangs out with Snoopy Doggy Dog.

Snoopy's smoking weed. You know he smoked weed.
All day, every day. Every day, baby.
What about the little bird that was with? He was getting a secondary high from the

house. Holy shit, I didn't know you did bosses.
Yeah, I do. What other animals can you do?

A chicken. Let's hear it.

Cocko! Nope. Wow.
Nope. Not even close.
That was the same thing you did for the first one. How about a fried chicken?

That's good. All right, hold on.
Let me see if I I can do it. Wait, let me fucking guess.

Yeah, you got it.

You got it. All right, give me one crispy.
Come on.

Good.

That's the only voice I know, man. I'm sorry.
That was good. I didn't mean to let you know.
Do you do any impressions? Yeah, I do.

I'm going to do an impression of a black man. Hey, motherfucker.

Wow, that was actually less black than you normally are.

You want to hear a white man? Hello there, motherfuckers.

You want to hear a white man? Yeah. Yep.
Hey, my name is Tony Henscliffe. Oh, my God.
How dare you? How dare you. Oh, they're going to clap at me.

I love you, David. Yeah, I do.
There you go.

David, any other fun plans for your trip here in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada? Man, you know, we're doing skank fests, doing some spots, you know. Hell yeah!

I'm going to do the butt-necked roast. Oh, wow, really? Yeah, I'm going to do it.
Okay. Wow.
I'm going to pump that motherfucker up, put put some Viagra in him, stick it straight up, you know?

Shove some Q-tips up your ass. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a thing. I don't know nothing about that, man.
You're a freak, Tony. No, no, no.
It's your people doing it now.

Oh, no, no, no, no. You a freak.
It's your people doing that.

All news to us. Oh, man.
Good time. Dude, can I ask you a question about the grill? I love the gold teeth.
Oh, yeah. Talk to me, guy.
Talk to me. Shit, it's a Florida thing, you feel me?

It's a what now? A Florida thing. Florida.
Florida.

Florida thing.

Florida.

It's a Florida thing. You know what they have in Florida?

Yeah, it's a thing for guys from Florida. They're using.
No, no, no. We're doing a voiceover, not giving cunalingus.
What the hell are you doing?

I don't know how to do, what's your boy's name to do to puppet up his ass? What is it? You've done him. It's called the Q-tip.

It's called the Q-tip. Okay.
Dude, I love it, though. Did that hurt getting the gold put in the mouth? Nah, they just slap it over.

Does it ever get in the way when you're not eating pussy nah it never get in the way it's actually better if you put your mouth right there by the pussy go

that's how i clean them wow

amazing straight up amazing now what part of florida are you from where are you from orlando okay disney world

no orlando okay disneyworld and to see

it's a bit different you know a little bit how far is orlando from disney world

the It's like right on the edge. It's like right there, you know, 10 minutes, five minutes.
I used to think Orlando was the capital of Disney World. Oh, nah, nah, nah, nah, nah.

Orlando is the capital of violence and drugs and stupid shit like that. You know what I mean? Oh, my goodness.
You got to do your homework on Orlando. Ain't no Disneyworld shit over there.

That's why they moved to Kazemi. I love Florida, man.
It's like you look at Florida on the map of America. It's the cutest little state.
It's just like America's nut bag hanging down.

Teabag. Tea bag in Cuba all day long.
Tea bagging Puerto Ricans and Cubans. You better believe it.
You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. You ever tea bag someone?

Yep.

I have. I definitely have.
What was his name? What was it?

Wow. Red Dan.
Red Dan forcing in a gay joke on David Jolly. That was a good one, Brian.
One of the straightest men in the show's history. You better believe it.
Look at this.

You think gay people do that? No. Yeah, I don't.
I've never done that my entire life.

Dude, that was him tea bagging right there do it again

My nuts getting bigger cuz I'm getting older and sometimes I sit on my nuts and it's getting bad. Wait, I got

okay you ever sit on your nuts Harden? Yeah, but they hatched

Can you do an impression of fried chicken tea bagging red band

David Jolly, thank you. We love you.
There he goes David Jolly

Time for bucket pull number three. Keeping it moving along, make some noise for Tommy P.

Oh, I do believe he's in-house

section FO Row R R seat 308.

Tommy P, where the fuck is Tommy P?

They finally sent out Tommy P. For those of you keeping track,

they finally sent out Tommy P.

Here he is, Tommy P.

Hey guys, I'm Tommy and I hate fucking kids.

No, I don't hate fucking kids. I just fucking hate kids.
I would describe myself as a dink.

Double income, no kids.

That's cool. Hold your booze until the end of the set.
Ladies and gentlemen, give him a shot. He gets 60 seconds.
We're restarting the clock. That's double income.
No kids.

So I just had a vasectomy.

Anybody ever got a vasectomy?

So I go to the doctor, tells me to

snip and snip,

and

charge me 200 bucks right after that to masturbate and count my sperm.

Speaking of kids,

I really don't want to have kids. I just had a complication in my family.
My brother-in-law just had some trouble at the hospital.

That's okay.

That's okay.

Tommy P.

Wow,

Tommy, Tommy.

I gotta tell you, Tony, this guy's whole vibe, the way you're dressed, I'm kind of glad you hate kids. You know what I mean?

Tommy, is this your first time trying stand-up comedy? Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay, all right.

How old are you? I am 34. And what made you want to start here today?

I mean, I love comedy. I've always watched comedy.
I wrote a little set, went way worse than I thought it would go, but I figured I'd come up here and give it a try.

Okay, what's some other things that

good for you for Chia, man? It's not easy. It's not easy.

I mean, they were just booing two seconds ago, but it's okay. Especially in a Fred Flintstone shirt, it's not easy.

You look like Fred's janitor.

But you had some confidence, and then it just kind of, you didn't let the booze get to you, but... Oh, yeah, that I got, but the jokes weren't there.
Definitely not.

Tommy, let's figure out what you can talk about. Not the most likable thing to come out and go, I hate kids, I hate kids.
Speaking of kids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Let's figure out more about your real life. What ethnicity are you? You look suspiciously like everything.

I am Dominican.

100%. Oh my god.
Wow, 100% Dominican. Absolutely amazing.
What's the most Dominican thing about you?

I love salami and platos.

Wow, salami and platos. You know what that is? Salami? I know.
What's salami? Dominican salami. Oh, what's the difference between Dominican salami and regular salami?

It's not like dry, it's like a kind of like a potted meat. I'm not going to explain the whole thing.
According to one very Dominican man in the audience, it's a bigger dicks is the difference.

There's a Dominican man that insists that they have huge dicks, which is definitely not a stereotype of Dominican people, by the way, sir.

Man, Dominicans in the audience are bombing due to Tommy P.

It is contagious bombing. There is fallout, nuclear fallout happening.

This is incredible. Tommy, what do you do for work? I manage cannabis cultivation.
Oh, interesting. So, true to your roots, you're gardening.
Absolutely. Amazing.
Dude, he works at the gravel pit.

Come on, it's Fred Flintstone. Works at the gravel pit.
Yeah,

yeah.

What do you do for fun?

I smoke weed. I like to come to shows.
I enjoy the entertainment in town. The entertainment.
Entertainment. Right, the entertainment in town.
What do you do when you get high?

What's your favorite thing to do? Like, when you get high, what do you do?

Sit around and get more high. Yep.

Play video games or watch TV or murder kids. No, I just like to get more high.

Violently high. Violently high.
Okay.

What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that can only get hard if it's a transgender with fat tits.

That is true, but I'm here with my wife or girlfriend. Oh, wife or girlfriend? Whichever you want to call it, yeah.
Wilma, where are you? Well, wait a second.

Is it your wife? She's my girlfriend, yeah. But why'd you call her your wife for a second? I consider her as my wife.

Your life partner. Do you think she considers you a husband after that set?

Yeah. Really? She thinks I'm funny.
How long have you been with her? Six years. Oh, my goodness.
What does she do?

She works for UNLV Health out here. She's a social worker.
That's good. Oh, the Fremont Street clan gets a big pop.

UNLV Health Social Workers. Fremont Street people are like, thank you for the free health care.

Definite pop from the poor people section. Hey, how's the upper deck doing tonight?

How about the upper, upper, third deck?

Wow. They don't sound healthy up there.

They don't sound healthy at all.

Tommy, a really rough set, a rough interview. You're in the middle of it right now.
Give us a redeeming quality about you that'll make this crowd love you.

Let's see, I'm a veteran, Marine Corps. Oh, wow.
Okay, there you go. All right.

Take that, you fucking Nazis. That guy.
Hell yeah.

What did you do in the Marines? Dude, it's a sniper for kids. I told you I fucking hate kids.
No, I did data networking communications. Oh, wow.
I worked for a tank battalion. Wow.

Oh, a tank battalion. You threw that in the end to make yourself look cool.
Well, yeah, I didn't want to seem gay as fuck. I did a data networking for a tank battalion.

Cool as shit, dude. You ever shot a gun?

Once.

For the range, yeah, they let me. Was it a water gun or was it a real gun?

It was water. Yeah.

Okay.

You only shot it once? No, I've shot a gun. I'm good at my own sharpshooter.
You are a sharpshooter. Wow.
I told you.

Well,

keep it pointed away from you. I know it's going to be hard when this episode comes out, but.

Tommy, we're going to keep it moving along. You indeed do

a little joke, Buck. Great joke.

I'll take the blame for that one. That was a little off.
All right, there you go, Tommy Pete.

We're about to go into full recovery here, ladies and gentlemen. I guarantee it, because I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history.

Ladies and gentlemen from Toronto, Canada, here on a mission to destroy. This is the return of Jared Nathan.

Ooh, big pop from the crowd. They are on their feet.
Oh my goodness.

Oh my goodness.

Make some noise for Jared Nathan.

FIBA Las Vegas

They lost my luggage

so many choices

or this

order explorer

and I don't look good at booty shorts

I've been here for 24 hours.

I've been

I've been

I've been

married

and divorced

She was

again, so I couldn't get

a green card.

I got kicked out

of the

casino.

I didn't understand

the

meaning of

Chip dump at the crap table

yeah there you go Jared Nathan

Fuck yeah you ain't nothing but a downs dog you ain't nothing but a hell

you got

nothing on me

What? I don't know. Okay, dude.

You got nothing on me, Tony. Okay.

Dude, thank God you weren't born a cow.

Give me a move, my bro. Give me a move.
I'm on the move, motherfucker.

Okay. Oh, my goodness.

You do look exactly like Elvis Presley in the last minutes of his life.

That

sweet, sweet bloat.

Look at you. You found one of the buffets here, huh?

I

ate too

many

peanut butter

banana sandwiches.

I do love the peanut butter banana sandwiches. I bet you do.
That is a favorite.

Absolutely. What about some baby back ribs?

We'll be baby back after these minutes. I don't pull the fucking sh chilies.

He just wants you to to say it.

Baby back ribs. No, but it won't be right.

Back!

Wow.

Nailed it.

Can I get some hand sanitizer?

Jared, how are you doing? Are you loving Las Vegas? I'm loving it. Love me, love me, love me, love me.
Levita, Las Vegas. Viva Las Vegas.
Fuck you.

That's right. What does a guy like you do for fun here?

Go to the roulette tables and bet on green or something?

Is that an option now?

It is, but just assholes do it.

But he's not an asshole, but it's like a kind of a joke about how he's aware of it.

He looks like he goes to the buffet and bets on bacon, for fuck's sake.

I played saw machines. Oh, yeah.

What's your favorite?

I like the shiny lights, you know?

The shiny lights, okay.

I want some

money, too.

Yeah. I want some motherfucking money, too.
Yeah.

You get it. You'll get it.

That was an ATM. That wasn't a slot machine, Jared.

That was a McDonald's order fast box.

Do you ever get people walking up to you on the strip and go, holy fuck, look, it's Down syndrome Wolverine?

What up?

Your stuttering is throwing my neck out.

Do you do any impressions?

I've never asked you this before.

I feel like you have something up your sleeve. I have old school

wrestling impressions.

Oh, okay, like what?

Vader impression? Old school Vader? Old school Vader. Wow, this is for the 0.5% of our listeners fan base.

You guys are about to lose your minds, you 28 people.

It's time!

It's Vader time!

Okay.

Pretty good. Hell yeah.

Look at you. I love it.

I had never known that. I didn't know that Elvis wore Velcro shoes.
I thought that he was more of a blue suede shoes kind of guy.

Or a kidney belt.

Or a cum rag around his neck. Keep it special, you know?

I'm special needs Elvis. Absolutely.

Absolutely.

want to tell people I'm on a

cameo uh-huh yep I think you just did yeah all right

do you do kids birthday parties I'd hire you I'll do it yeah

let's talk

Let's ask Robin. Well, I don't have more than a couple minutes, and it might take a couple of days to get through it.
Jared, I do want to tell you. You'll whisper.
You'll whisper. Well, that's...

Okay, well, I'm rescinding the offer because that's creepy.

Jared, I do like that you came out with topical jokes about Vegas. Give it up for that.
He came out prepared with some material about where he was.

I just

want to thank you for everything

because of you.

I can call

a crowd to my shows.

Thank you. I have a show every month in

Toronto. for people

with

disabilities by people with disabilities

I love it that's absolutely true well

What can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before, Jared? You are one of the special gems of this show. You are fucking fantastic.
We love you. You look better than ever.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Bucket pull four is coming up now. How about one more time for Jared Nathan? This is a big deal for a little boy from Canada.

God damn.

And how about a hand for the ring card, girls? This is the great Valor Yvonne alternating with our, of course, the lovely Heidi.

All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Keaton McAdams. Keaton McAdams.
Here we go.

They only gave me like 60 seconds up here.

But don't worry, because 60 seconds is a long time.

I feel like I've said that before, but 60 seconds is a long time.

Anybody else here ejaculate prematurely?

Ladies, Ladies, you can laugh. I bust quick, but I don't have any shame about it.
Because after another 60 seconds, I'm ready for round two.

I'm not here to brag. That's not what this is.
But one time, I had sex three times in the span of 45 minutes.

I just wish someone else was there to see it.

So I actually made made you guys a video. Red Band, can we hit the big screen?

Alright, that's my time. Thank you guys.

There you go. Keaton McAdams.
We had no idea where you were going with that whole 60 seconds is a long time thing. And then there you were talking about premature ejaculation.

Absolutely stunning work. It hits close to home.

Indeed. Welcome.
How long have you been doing stand-up? Just over two years. How old are you? 24.
What do you do for work?

I buy cars on the internet. Where do you live? I live out here, born and raised.
And you buy cars off the internet, and then obviously you resell them?

The company I work for auctions them off.

I signed an NDA, so I shouldn't be talking about it in front of 500. No, no, it's okay, dude.
How many Tonkas do you have?

Little giggler over there, huh? I'm having fun. Hell yeah.
This is a sick show, Tony. Good job.
Wow, thank you.

Good job. Thank you.
He's saying it like he's going to get kicked off any second now. Good job, Tony.
Can I stay? You look like Kyle Rittenhouse if he sold fireworks to Miltz.

That's a compliment.

If Kyle Rittenhouse ran for president, I would vote for him. Hell yeah.

All right, you got... Oh, shit.

Dude, come on up. You keep moving backwards.
Do you want to fucking leave or what? Let's go. No, sir.
This guy keeps inching backwards like he knows something we don't.

What's about to happen, Kyle?

Let's go, Rittenhouse, huh?

Orville Rittenhauser.

Not my Rittenhouse.

Keaton, you're 24. What does a 24-year-old in Las Vegas do for fun?

I just got into wake surfing. Oh, wow.
Where do you do that at? Out at Lake Mead. Okay.
Yep.

How many bodies have you hit?

Probably a lot. It's bumpy out there, Harlan.
It's bumpy out there, so you hit some fatties?

Yeah. No fatties on my boat, but...
What's that now? It's a great t-shirt.

No fatties on my boat. No fatties on my boat.
Coconut. Coconut.
Coconut. Coconut.
Coconut. Pie.
Coconut. Coconut, coconut, coconut, pie.

Wow, absolutely incredible. Keaton, what is your love life like? You talked about masturbating for 55 seconds.

I got dumped a few months ago, so I've been doing a lot of masturbating recently. The girl that dumped you, how long were you in a relationship with her?

I was just hooking up with her for a few weeks, and it fucked me up. Why did it fuck you up? She was really hot.

Why do you think she liked you? She saw me do stand-up, believe it or not, Tony. Okay, and then what happened? She came up to you and said, what?

She asked me for a cigarette, and I went to the Weirdo bar downtown and there was a liquor store next door.

I don't smoke cigarettes, but I did go and buy a pack and I came back in like five minutes later, offered her a cigarette, hit it off. What kind of cigarettes? Camel toe?

Marlboro lights. So you bought her a pack of cigarettes, you guys have a cigarette, then what happens?

Oh my.

She said I was like her favorite comic. A bunch of shit happens.
Wow, she is

ladies

This is absolutely it

I know I was like have you heard of Tony Hinchcliffe one shot was on Netflix. Yeah, where is it now? It's it was a licensed deal when I was seven years into my comedy career, but nice try idiot

I love this thing someone started this rumor that my special got taken out. It was a licensing deal.
Do you know what that means? Yeah, no.

That means they pay you vast sums of money to put your thing up there. I enjoyed your special.
No, I know. A lot of people did.
Yes. 2016, seven years into my career.
It's inconceivable.

How many people want to see them fight right now?

Thank you, Dr. Phil.

Tony's a mafia, so I would not fuck with him. Yeah, I wouldn't either.
No, I'm not. I'm not.
I'm a comedian, Keaton.

You look like Eminem, but you melted on the dashboard.

Keaton McAdams, 24 years old. So tell us more about your life.

Did you say Rachel McAdams? That's so interesting. No, I didn't.

Yes, sir. More about your life, Keaton.

I live with my mother. Uh-huh.
Woo!

Local winner.

Okay.

Okay, very good. Thank you, guys.

There he goes, Keaton McAdams.

Here you go, Keaton.

Don't forget that. Oh, geez, Keaton.

Oh, boy, there he goes.

Can't jog fast enough.

Here we go, golden ticket winner coming at you.

A long time golden ticket holder, ladies and gentlemen. This is the long-awaited return of Todd Royce.
Everybody,

big boy

Todd Royce.

I have a dog.

I have a dog. Not a dog.
A Shihhtsu poodle.

I don't think if you, that's not a dog. Shihhtsu poodles to me are like K-pop bands.
Like, they're adorable, but if I hit one with my car, I'm not going to lose any sleep over it.

They all have these cute little names. People call them shootles.
I call this one a shippoo.

Especially because she's gotten old and she's lost complete control of her bowels.

Shippu is actually what we we call grandma near the end.

It's a joke. We never called grandma near the end.

She didn't have any money. Why waste our time?

I want to get a pit bull. I love pit bulls.
A lot of people think pit bulls are a violent dog. I think that's bullshit.
It's all in the training. I could train my dog to be an attack dog.

It'd be perfect because no one's going to admit to being attacked by a shootle.

But still, if you look online at adopting a pit bull, there's all this stuff about how to defend yourself if one attacks you. And

they say the best way to defend yourself if a pit bull attacks you is to take your thumb and shove it up the dog's ass.

They say that's the best way to defend yourself if pit bull. I say that's the best way to defend yourself if anybody attacks you.

Try that the next time you're getting mugged.

It works on pit bulls and Puerto Ricans.

Thank you guys.

Fuck yeah, Todd Todd Royce rock solid minute. He's done it again, ladies and gentlemen, rocking some skulls on that shirt.

What's up, Tony?

Wow. My pants almost fell down.
Wow, did we just move backwards in time when you did that? That's incredible. The fucking stage almost fell down, I'll tell you that.
That's a strong.

I felt gravity change.

Whoa.

Jurassic Park. Holy fuck.
A groundbreaking performance here.

Dude, you said you wanted to get a dog. You might want to get an ultrasound because I'm pretty sure you got fucking puppies in there.

Oh, my goodness. Those tits are shaking.

Wow. Check out Mother Jugs and Speed over here.
Come on, everybody. Let's go, Vegas.

Yeah.

That's all you have to do.

I've never seen anyone motorboat a whole city. Yeah, this is incredible.
You know you're in Vegas when you see the sphere, everybody.

Here it is. Oh, it's got skulls on it right now.
How cool is that? The sphere has skulls on it. They almost look real.
It is unbelievable, Todd, the way that you are shaped.

You're so funny. You're so cool.
Dude, your areola has got to be huge. When you wake up in the morning, are there bullfrogs sitting on them?

Every time I look down, I want a pizza. Every time I look anywhere, I want a pizza, actually.
Yeah.

You look like Jared from Subway's cocaine-dealing brother.

That's a compliment.

Thank you.

The flaps underneath your tits.

A lot of people don't know this.

A lot of people don't know this, but that's where I hid my 2016 Netflix special. It's underneath one of his tits.
Thank you. Good call back there.
Who wants to watch it right now?

It's called One Slop. Pull it up.

Todd, remind us,

how do you make a living again? I do stand-up comedy. That's right.
And I have a podcast, The Sweet Potato Pod, but we can talk about that later after everyone subscribes. Oh, my goodness gracious.

What do you talk about? You are married, correct? I am married, yeah. I got a wife.

She's a woman. I don't know why I felt the need.
And

what does she do for a living when

she's not rubbing defibrillators together?

That would not be a Mexican sound effect at all, professional repan.

I think she manages his tits, is what she does.

Yeah, dude, when she saw the other guy kept moving back, could you move the fuck back that way?

Stand on the red spots there. It's like a fucking Swiss avalanche coming at me.
Yeah, he moves way more than he should for a guy that big. It is incredible.
It's got to be a good idea.

I'm going to go to start doing jumping jacks next to Harlan. Holy fuck, how about jumping cheese jacks? Yeah.

Colby jacks. jacks.

Incredible, but remind us, what does your wife do for work when she's not cutting coupons to save on the budget for feeding your massive...

You know what's incredible about you

is that your belly, everything's big, but then it gets like bigger down there. There is just something cooking in that...

in that fucking upper pouch. I've always said the only person I've ever send a dick pic to is myself just to check in on it every once in a while.
Yeah. Bunny.

Does it look like a dick or just a giant zip?

You tell me. I don't...

You tell me.

Send me the pic. I'll let you know.
I will. I'll send you a pick.
Don't you pour a coupon. Don't you airdrop it to the whole fucking room right now?

I mean, I have my phone. Okay.

But remind me, what does your wife do for work when she's not

buying new straws for shamrock shakes?

For those of you that don't know, and I've never exposed this fun fact, but I'm pretty sure since Todd's very first performance six or seven years ago, I've been doing this thing.

Someone should make a compilation at some point.

But I've been doing this thing where I make fun of you're fat.

And

I didn't

really, Red Band.

See, it's one thing when Tony does it.

When I look over at Redband band and he's like yeah, that's fat fuck Yeah, that's a little offensive. It is you're like he's like your mini me

You guys are like two different wacky planets. I have a picture of red band up on the the treadmill.
Yes, I'm a goal. I'm a fat person goal.
Yeah, by the way, I don't use the treadmill.

I don't know if that's... Did you say treadmill or oatmeal? What are you guys talking about? Red Band's never been on a treadmill before.

Todd, what is your favorite food? If you're lying in bed, we all have that favorite favorite snack when you're lying in bed, right?

Maybe you're a little stony, maybe you're just a little tired, maybe you're horny, and you go, I want to dip something into something.

I want to deep throat a bag of planters peanuts covered in Cool Whip. I want to suck down some dunkaroos covered in fucking raspberry tartar sauce.

I want to fucking shove my dick in a bucket of fudge.

What's your vibes?

Can I take a guess? Sure, yeah. I picture you dipping loaves of bread in root beer.

Like a fucking retired camp counselor.

I think that's how you make a root beer float, right?

I really like ice cream with fruity pebbles and ranch. Oh, and then you mix all that.
Shut the fuck up.

It's a joke. I'm kidding.
I don't eat fruity pebbles.

Have you ever tripped down a boat ramp and nobody noticed?

I have fallen so many times tonight just back here yeah I think I saw you on season three of America's funniest home videos

he's the only guy that yells I've fallen and nobody else can get up oh I was in New York City and I tripped and dude you are New York City

he

okay Red Band I swear to God

Todd you were in New York and what happened I tripped and I fell and they celebrated the new year.

Oh you son of a bitch. Because the ball and I'm

not quite

a skyscraper, but you do scrape everything off your plate. I do.

Well,

I want to be a good boy. Have you ever had

dude? Do I have a gravy stain on my shirt or something? Can you back the fuck away? Yeah.

Like, he just keeps getting closer, and I feel like I'm going to get eaten any second.

And if you're going to eat me, let's fucking play this game. How about that?

I don't think he's tossed a salad in his life. Okay, all right, no.

Well, look, you got skulls on your shirt. He's got skulls on his shirt.
I think they want to fucking scissor each other or something. Yeah.

Difference is, Todd is all skulls and no bones. Yeah.

You're fat.

So, Todd, have you been... Nothing Tony loves more than a good bone.
Whoa, you son of a bitch.

You son of a bitch.

Oh, my God. Right, David Lucas.
The gayest thing I've ever done is I accidentally once mistook Todd as a temper-pedic mattress and I slept on top of him.

I snuggled up in the fetal position in his belly button.

That's the only guy in the back of town who drives a Prius, but he calls it a BMW because all anyone ever sees it as is a Burger King, McDonald's, and Wendy's.

What?

Coconut.

Coconut. Coconut.
Coconut. Coconut.
Coconut pie.

Coconut, coconut, coconut pie.

Where?

Yeah, where? Let's fucking go.

Todd, you are truly one of my favorites of all time. Always rolling with the punches, no pun intended.
Always absolutely...

You know, just, I mean, always just shaking the room wherever you go.

Absolutely, wow.

I cannot believe that those shoes and the stage and those legs and those knees and the hips can handle what you put it through when you jump do you give yourself a wedgie a little bit yeah I'm gonna go pull this out here in a second you know I never thought of this I never thought of this your name is Todd Royce have you ever thought about going by rolls Royce because you have so many roles

Do you know that you look like if Jelly Roll and Jeffrey Dahmer had a baby?

There we go. That was it.

That's tonight's new Doritos joke of the night.

Jeffrey Dahmer and Jelly Roll, which means that he doesn't just eat, he eats humans, he eats all animals.

By the way, I love the jiggly tid thing you did. That was impressive.
Thank you. Thank you.
I don't want to skip over that. Okay, yeah, no, I appreciate that.
It takes a lot.

This is just push-ups every morning. Good for you.
What's a lie? I don't do push-ups. No, we know.
Yeah.

Would you believe it? No exercise at all. You're fine.
You're fine. You're moving around, but you're funny, so take care of yourself.
Okay.

Thank you. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.
The legend Todd Royce. We are flying along.
We're flying through it.

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Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket pull. Aiden Kosoi.
Aiden Kosoy, bucket pull number five. Here.
You guys still having fun?

Okay, so I'm not a big fan of Beyonce, but she has a really good song. It goes like, who runs the world? Jews.
Who runs the world? Jews. Okay, so

I try to run my life like a coming-of-age story, but the coming really hasn't happened yet.

Um,

so

yeah, I'm still a virgin, obviously. Um,

and

I use lines like, hey, you wanna see my Hebrew national with a side of matzah balls? Um maybe we'll make the soup later, you know

or something like

or something like

Jewish. Hey, you want to see my space laser? It's got big white beams

and um

oh and I got one more thing you guys know terrorism is trendy now

yeah like

People are getting tramp stamps that say I love Hamas and Osama is Addie. Okay, I'm done.

There it is. Aiden Kosoy.
Aiden, welcome to the show.

How do you feel after that, Aiden?

This was my first time. I did prepare 60 seconds.
Uh-huh. Okay.

The booing got to me, but the laughs at the beginning felt really good. I like that.
Good answer. Absolutely.
For a first time, not bad. What made you want to start here?

This is kind of a tough showroom, 7,000 people watching. I know, it was big, but I didn't let the nervousness get to me.
Okay, very good. Incredible.
You are the absolute opposite of Todd Royce.

You're all bones, no skull whatsoever.

I think that came out of Todd Royce. Yeah,

it fell out of his pant leg. Your entrance was powerful.
Your walk up to the mic, you looked like you were about to shoot up a bed, bath, and beyond. Yeah.

Yeah. He was the first ostrich ever on.

Here we go. Ostrich.

Oh, yeah, don't do it. You ball down.
Easy. So Aiden, how old are you? I'm 19.
Wow, 19 years old. That's incredible.

Absolutely amazing. And your first time doing stand-up? What else do you do with your life at 19?

I play video games. Uh-huh, what else?

I like nature, I like reading. What exactly do you do in nature? What do you do? You catch lightning bugs or something? What What are you talking about?

I go hiking. Okay, what do you like to do when you're hiking?

Take pictures. Wow, incredible.
What do you identify as?

A Jew. Oh, you are a Jew? Yeah, that's why I made a Jew joke.
Oh, okay. I make Jew jokes all the time, and I got nothing

other than my agent manager. I have no real connection with them whatsoever.

Okay.

What?

No?

So, what do you do that makes you Jewish? How do you celebrate being a Jew? Do you take off Saturdays?

Yeah, I was actually very religious when I was in college in New York.

But I came back home because I faced anti-Semitism. Anti-Semitism? Is that a black woman?

Anti-Semitism and uncle's emitism would mean to me.

Where's that motherfucking hollabread?

Hey!

Hey, my anti-Semitism told me I need to move the fuck out of her house.

Anti-Semitism. I've never really heard it called that before.
I normally hear anti-Semitism. What do you think?

Yeah, you can also call it Jew hatred. Yeah, what type of,

you know, I hear this, but it's kind of funny, because if you make fun of an Italian, there's no word for that. If you make fun of everybody else, it's racist.
You guys have your own word.

How does that make you feel?

What does that mean? What does that tell you if your people have a special word for racism? What do you think that means?

If you take yourself out of the picture, what do you think about your people having a special word for just you?

Because everybody hates us?

That is the correct answer.

You are correct. Very good.
Weirdest game show ever.

Jesus fucking Christ. Is Mario Lopez hosting this? There's some very fun things I can do when it's not streaming live.

So

what did they do to you? What exact type of anti-Semitism did you face? I got spit on, I got death threats. Where was this at? A college.
In New York. New York City? Yeah.

Outside Long Island. Long Island.

I know a Jewish stronghold, right? There's a lot of... Well, again, again, only you people call it a stronghold when you're populated there.
Why do you think you would do that?

Why do you think the blood that runs through your veins would make you call it a stronghold? As though you own that land that is American land, clearly. Yeah, I mean, I love America, so...

But also, we're not very strong, as you can see. Right.

Okay, so... You're basically in Long Island, which for those of you that don't know is basically a big Jewish temple.
And you face anti-Semitism. What exactly did they say or do to you there?

Go ahead. Basically, I mean like they said shit like go back to you know Poland, all the normal shit.
But you've never been to Poland. No, I'm from Ukraine.
My ancestry is Ukrainian. Oh wow.

Way to get the crowd on your side. There's some uneducated idiots that are rooting for you now.

Not realizing that that country's stealing our money.

Yeah, they are. Yeah.

Oh, look at that pop from the crowd. Almost seems like we should stop donating to needless wars, am I correct?

If only there was a candidate for that coming up in November, it's a no-brainer. Do the right thing.
Tell your friends. Anyway,

Aiden.

Who are you voting for this November? By the look of your bones in your arms, I'm guessing you're going blue. Am I correct? I am voting for God because he's the only one who can save us.

Wow.

Now, hold on a second. This might be the first time a Holocaust survivor is voting for God.

Now, it is ironic that you're Jewish, but you look like you were in the camps. But I do want to say this real quick.

Hold on a second. What? Eight nights of Hanukkah.
That's pretty. How do you, is that, did you get something cool each night? I'm always curious because Christmas is one.

Kwanzaa, you know, I haven't, I don't know, but Hanukkah, Hanukkah, you get eight nights. How does that work? I mean,

no, we're Jews. We get the skimpy, you know, not a presence.

Wait a second, wait a second. Why would you call your people skimpy?

That is just anti-Semitism if I've ever seen it before. I love self-deprecation.
Oh, okay.

Gotta play into the tropes, you know. What's the greatest gift you've ever gotten on

what's it called again?

Jew Kwanza. What is it?

I know it's Hanukkah. Jewica, Yoni.
Yoni fucking in my earpiece. I have my own fucking Jew in my Hanukkah.
It's called Hanukkah, boss. He's never fucking given me an answer to anything before.

Literally, the Jewiest thing you could do. We've been doing this for years, and he's like, it's a Hanukkah.

I fucking know.

I was doing that. Jew Kwanzaa was a joke, Yoni.
Yoni.

God.

You fucking people, I gotta say, I don't care.

But what is the greatest? You say that they're skimpy. I know, you know, I'm like white trash, Italian, hybrid.
We get spoiled.

Even I was poor, and I still got a little spoiled on Christmas, because that's what fucking white trash does. They spend their money, especially Italians.
They don't save it for a second.

What was the greatest gift you've ever gotten?

I don't know, man. I mean, like, I guess a laptop, it's not that cool.
Oh, okay. You're right.
It's definitely not that cool. How much do you weigh? You are adorably.
You're like the small acost.

You're like, ah, Schwitz.

Aww, Schwitz. Um, like, 117?

Wow, 117. Absolutely incredible.
I'd say 112.

Perfect size for Todd to eat in one bite. Yeah.

Let go of that microphone. Let me see if it collapsed.
Are people yelling for the scale right now?

Did we bring the scale, Yoni? We don't have the scale? Oh,

it's a damn shame. Wait, I can bench press 120, so let me see.

Oh, my goodness. Here we go.

All right, Dr. Phil.
Oh, he doesn't know what a bench press is. That's adorable.
Whoa.

Whoa.

Oh my goodness. He's curling him.

Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Wow. The fear.

Yep, he's hard.

How do you feel being curled by Dr. Phil?

It was a fun moment. I'll never forget it.
That is true. You won't.
Never forget. Yeah, exactly.

How long you've been doing stand-up guy? This is my first time. Is it something you want to pursue?

Yeah, I did improv in high school, so I kind of wanted to try stand-up. All right, let me give you a little advice, okay?

Because I'm seeing a lot of this from a lot of young guys coming out here, even the older guys. Try and get away from the masturbation and the jerk-off jokes.
It's too easy, all right?

If you really want to do this, you got a laptop, sit down and be clever, write something original, go watch a guy like Stephen Wright or even Hans Kim. These guys put a lot of effort.

They're writing jokes, they're being clever. We see too many guys and girls come out here and just go down to that jerking off masturbation stuff.

It doesn't work, nobody wants it. So, to you and every other young comic, use your mind, be smart, be clever, and let's bring the game up a little.

And you can start the process with one of these amazing little joke books. There he goes, Aiden Kosoy, everybody.

It is time for him to go back to Poland, am I right?

All right, we're having fun here. Ladies and gentlemen, another special treat.
Neither a regular nor a golden ticket winner, but David Lucas called in sick today.

He is under the weather, couldn't make it.

So I had to call up someone from the bullpen, an alternate player that you know, this is a brand new minute from love him or hate him, the one and only Uncle Lazer, everybody. Here he is.

Here he comes, live in the flesh, the real deal. Soaking it in, pro wrestling energies.

Oh my God.

Shining like a diamond in a goat's ass bag. It's how we feel it now.

Listen here.

I volunteered to coach a Little League baseball team down there in Austin this summer and by volunteered, I mean it was court-ordered

But there's a plethora of single mothers at them baseball games any single mothers in here

Yeah, I can smell you bitch

Like Thanksgiving leftovers you goddamn right I can't

and listen I love me a good single mother now I really do more kids are better all right I need that pussy waller down

if that pussy don't look like a mud flap on the back of an 18 wheeler just blowing around in the breeze I just don't want no part of it

because I'm gonna be honest with y'all

tight pussy makes me claustrophobic you know what I'm saying

What do I want to do? Have sex with a 21-year-old little tight pussy come in 30 seconds, apologize for half an hour, and then listen to her talk about true blood. Not a chance.

Well, fucking Uncle Lazer. Look at that.
Around a solid minute. Oh, shit.

The haters are going to have to fucking rest their fingers after a set like that. Look at this guy.
Almost unrecked. You did tell me.
I fucking told you.

With that said, you also told me all the other sets are ever given in the history of the show.

A fun fact about Uncle Lazer, and I I think this is good that I'm about to expose this, is that he talks a lot of shit. I'm getting a lot better, Tony.
You got to give me another shot.

And I tell him, you're not a golden ticket winner.

You're not a regular, but he is a fucking fun guy to hang out with here and there, even though it seems like I like hanging out with people that do a lot of crazy drugs.

You drug test me right now. I'm sober as a judge.
And it is true.

But before a lot of sets, you get nervous in those last minutes, and he tends to drink a lot, and he tends to smoke some weed to calm himself down and then he has to fucking take a half an Adderall to pick himself back up and then a quarter of his annex because the Adderall's zipping and then he has to fucking do a little robotus and then a sialis.

Like he literally does this thing where he's like fuck I fucked up and I'm fucking all

Tony be fair. It's that California weed you be bringing down there in Austin.
Every time I smoke that shit feels like I got Down syndrome. It is true.

I've taken a lot of heat lately, and I've been having to warn people that that fucking want to smoke and hang. It's like become an actual problem recently.

I don't know what the fuck's going on, but it used to be. You just smoke weed and everybody's okay.
I don't know what's happening, but it is true. My weed is ridiculously strong.

Strong. It is.
It is. It's like Jared Nathan.

I just want you to know, bro, when you walked out here and you threw your glasses into the crowd, you hit a blind lady right in the eyes.

Well, at least she has them glasses to cover that fucking goofy shit up with. You hear me wow what the guy

coconut tonight

coconut pie

you guys eat that after you all three fuck each other or what y'all see

laser

oh my god

goes wild

Hello

Coming from the guy who says his own name when he comes

Listen Hillary Clinton. I'm going to need you to take that fucking pantsuit off, dude.

What?

Whoa, Laser's having a moment. Look at the strut.
Look at the confidence. Come on, give me a turn,

give me my man. I love O'Harley.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Laser's having a breakout performance right now. We're never going to hear the end of it.
You saw what I did in Venezuela. I need another shot.

I want to give his mullet a Brazilian. Come on, baby.

Maybe it's him or maybe it's Maybelline. You know what I'm fucking talking about.
Oh, wow. Wow.
That feels like Jennifer Garner on a Thursday night. Hell yeah.

Hey, Tony, I was in LA this past week. I had to take some acting classes.

You know, y'all know Donald Cowboy Serrone is, right?

All right, sir. He's a good homie of mine, and he's like, hey, man, I got this Western that we're going to do on Netflix.
I wrote you in a character. I wrote this just for you.

No one else can play this. I need a southern, greedy, nasty motherfucker.
You're going to be a Confederate officer. It's gone rogue.
And I'm like, well, shit, man. He's like, it's a big deal.

I said, well, let me get acting classes. He goes, good.
He goes, because your first scene is a rape scene.

Wow. And I said, man, I don't know if they offer that at the acting classes.
You know what I'm saying?

Something tells me you could improvise. Yeah, well.

Nothing like a Confederate officer with a tattoo of Mr. T on his arm.

By the way, that acting class, do they teach funny?

I'm kidding. That's my son.

That's my son.

Wait, Laser, you do have, as Hollywood says, a look, right, that is prime to book something special. If you could have a dream job, acting job, like your show, who would you play?

What would the show be called?

Well, take your time, sound it out.

Like, I could play any character that any character, like a cowboy or a rapist or a rapist cowboy,

or like a bank teller that, like, you know, is also a killer on the side, some dexter shit. Maybe you're a house mom with a fucking pussy.
I don't know.

Down degenerous.

Jesus fucking Christ. Hey, dude, give my dad his shirt back, dude.
You went to Chili's already. Get that shirt back.
Hey, honestly, Mr. Duck and

I mean, you could play four of the lead roles of Orange is the New Black, for sure.

That's how you do it later. Nah, it would be Clifford the Big Red Dog.

Oh.

Yeah, I got you, motherfucker. How about that?

All right. Okay, we'll call you back.

Uncle Laser, an absolutely amazing performance. You got laughter throughout, big pop from the live audience, and all the way throughout your set.
Gotta be one of your best sets ever in the

one thing. We got some music.
So, awesome real shit. Today is my actual birthday.
Turned 34 today. Thank you.

I'm going to get real sappy and gay real quick, but it'd be funny. Just wait.
Oh, boy. So, on my birthday, it's just kind of bittersweet.

My granddaddy died on my birthday when I was 14, and he's the best man I ever met in my life. He was a real cowboy.
Not the shit you see on the country music radio, TV shit.

He used to break horses and, you know, break horses and drive cattle. He used to fight chickens.
You know what I'm saying?

I don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg, but that motherfucker been fighting it since the dawn of time. You know what I'm saying? And when he was dying,

my mama and all her sisters wanted him to go to the hospital. And he said, nah, I built this house in my bare hands.
I'll die in this house. Y'all come send me 101, Sarah Gabby.

Bury me in the backyard away to Good Lord and 10. He told me two things, and this has changed my life throughout my entire life.
This is kind of what I live by. And I want to share it with y'all.

He said, when you walk into a room, you got to know that the room got better. Not in a cocky sense, but in a sense that somebody gets to meet you and you get to meet them.

And for a moment in time you get to change not only their life their day their year whatever it may be it don't cost no amount of money just to be kind to somebody to meet everybody with a hug a handshake or a smile

my goodness i think it's time for you to start doing drugs again dude

now that same granddaddy also told me that playing harmonica translates well to eating pussy so i'm gonna show you all right

On a harmonica, there are 10 frets, one to 10. It just so happens the distance between one to 10 is the same distance between the woman's vagina and her butthole.

Now listen here. I don't make the rules.
I just measure twice and cut once. You hear me?

This is what a pussy sound like.

pH a little off, but you know what I'm saying.

This here is what a butthole sounds like.

Yeah, old rusty hook. Never found a clitorious search continues, but if I do, that motherfucker gonna sound like this.

Uncle Laser from the oil fields of Texas to a giant sold-out massive theater in Las Vegas, Nevada. It's time for bucket pull number six, ladies and gentlemen.

Where's our lovely bucket pool girl? Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Wait, is that the great Paulie Shore, ladies and gentlemen?

Oh

my goodness.

Paulie.

Oh my goodness.

Polly,

your body is unbelievable, I must say.

We almost saw the weasel and the fucking Encino man, am I right?

I'm not Polly Shore. We're in Las Vegas.
I'm a polychored lookalike.

It is true. I found you on Fremont Street.

I have some good news to announce.

The Pauly Shore lookalike is starring in the new Richard Simmons biopic.

And I beat out the real Pauly Shore.

Polly, I got to say, you have a massive fucking cock and balls. That is...
Incredible what is going on. That thing has been stretched out since your MTV BJ days.
Look at that.

That's what happens when you fucking 40 years of banging nines and tens.

Scar tissue.

Buddy.

You got a fucking... Cox got jury duty.
Yeah.

I think I found your son-in-law.

It's the herpesome.

Oh my god. Okay, Red Band.
Shoot, look at those underpants. It's like the cast of cocoon is in there.
Holy crap. Oh, he's pulling it out.

Oh,

wow,

is that your adult diaper?

Yo, we wanted Carrotop to come on stage with me, but he said he's still fucking busy for us, bro.

Boo. Well, I see your Carrotop sicking out of your pants.

You see no man back in the cave, alright? I noticed that fucking ring card went way down when you pulled those paper towels out of your pants.

Dude, where did you get the blueberry underpants from?

You're dressed like an umpire at an over-70 softball league. Yeah.

You look like you're about to read to kids in Portland, Oregon right now.

We love you, Paulie. Heidi and Valerie, they just needed a break.
They're at the Spearmint Rhino for about 30 minutes.

Wow. And they wanted me to sit in for them and just bring out card number six.
We got another comedian coming up, so they're just trying to make a little extra cash while they're here in town. Yeah.

Very sweet of you. Speaking of Heidi, you've been hiding behind that card since you pulled those paper towels out of your pants.
Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before.

Dude, you've got a caesarean scar on your ass, crack.

And that ass is flatter than the Ukrainian Jews punchlines from earlier.

Polly, what's up with your body, buddy?

I've been eating a lot of buffets, bro.

Looks like one of the shrimp fell under your underpants.

And not a jumbo shrimp either.

I

wasn't planning on Polly as the ring card girl as being one of the funniest parts of the show.

I'm fucking dying up here.

Oh my God.

You guys, I'm going to cruise back to the back. Have a great time in the rest of the show.
Mix the fucking noise to the legend, Paulie Shore.

The man, the myth, the legend. Oh, my God.

How many people think Paulie should be a permanent ring girl?

Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Edgar Sandoval, ladies and gentlemen. We're keeping him moving along.
Edgar Sandoval.

Mix some noise for Edgar, everybody.

Here he comes. We're going to meet him all together.
It's a long episode. One more time for Edgar Sandole, everyone.

Excited to be here, but I got to get this off my chest. My brother owns a restaurant.
It's called the Asian Palette. And three times in one year, they're victims of some really racist vandalism.

Last time it happened, somebody covered the bathroom wall in big letters, F-U-C-K Asians, which was very upsetting for our family because clearly this is premeditated.

Clearly that someone went there with hate and intent because you can't go to a place called the Asian Palette and be surprised by Asian people and Asian food.

It's called the Asian palate. It's not a surprise.
It's in the name.

It's like when I go to the cracker barrel.

I can't go to the cracker barrel and surprised by chicken, fried, steak, and white people.

It's in the name.

All right.

I cannot believe how wild the crowd went for that cracker barrel joke after a 43-second long setup. But they wanted it so badly that you gave them something, Edgar.
They liked it. They did, Edgar.

How are you, buddy? I'm good. How long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years.
Wow, where at? Peoria, Illinois, the Jukebox Comedy Club. Absolutely.
Okay, Peoria, Illinois. We know.

City limits, too. Okay.
All right. Dropping some names.

Eight years in, what do you do for a living? I work for Caterpillar, the earthen thing quitman. Oh, wow.

Okay. I would not have expected you working with heavy machinery.

He looks like a little caterpillar. You're cute.

Do comedy, you must.

Yeah, you were funny. You're like Gilbert Gottfried Reis.

Nice

All right, that sounded funnier in my head

What ethnicity are you? I know you're some type of Asian. I'm Filipino.
Okay, yeah. It's my favorite Dr.
Filipino. Dr.
Filipino, yeah.

Okay, yeah, maybe we do a beach cop show or something. We could do that.
What's your what's your favorite?

What's your what's your

what do you like to do? I love that. Great question, Dr.
Phil. Great.

Like after after the show tonight, you'll go home and do what?

Probably watch more comedy. You'd be a comedy guy.
Yeah, absolutely. You ever fart so hard a fortune comes out of your ass?

Good question, Harlan. You ever fart so hard motherfuckers try to find you?

Not yet.

Okay.

Edgar Sandoval, what do you exactly do as hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that has an amazing chopstick collection or something? Yeah, I coach soccer. Oh, okay.
Little kids.

I coached high school soccer for the past 22 years. High school girls?

Yes, yes. Girls.
Yes. Right.

I knew that. Is it weird coaching the kids when they're four inches taller than you?

It's rough because you know when you coach them when they're little and then they get to high school and yeah, I'm always like this. Must go out and score goals, you must.

And that is the pep talk they get.

But if they talk shit, you can hit them and stuff, right? No. Okay.
Just asking for a friend. No.

Nothing creepy with these high school girls. 22 years doing it.
I'm getting some Sandusky vibes from you. Oh.

Gosh, I hope not. Oh, my goodness gracious.
What did you say about caterpillars?

Enough about what was in Polly's underwear a second ago. Polly's underwear.
I've never seen underwear made out of blueberry yogurt. Yeah.
There was a lot of extra space in there.

The tight band with very loose parts. A lot of extra fabric.

That's my home name and a senior center.

What kind of underwear do you wear? Yeah, what color are yours?

Great question. He's looking curiously.

Blue. Blue.
Oh, that's correct.

Maybe you and Polly can hang out later and make a blueberry turnover.

I hope not. I hope so.
I'm sure you do, Carl. Must roll around in Walmart sleeping bag, you must.

Edgar. I wish I could do that at Yoda Impression.
Try it, buddy. Don't be this is show business.

Just try it. Give it a try.
I do. Just lower your voice.

Try it. And say everything backwards.

I only do Homer Simpson. No, try Yoda.
Yoda. Come on.
Try it. Try it.
Make this joke, I must. There you go.
Very good.

We're going to keep it moving along, Edgar. Sandoval.
There you go.

Catches like a soccer coach.

Good for his joke, too.

By the way,

you know why Yoda never got married? Why? Because he says everything backwards, and every time he gets up to the aisle, they go, do you take this woman to be your wife? And he goes,

do I?

Oh, homie.

Okey-dokie.

Wow, Redband absolutely forcing a Marge Simpson impression there.

Absolutely, I mean, literally, like a person having multiple strokes throughout the episode.

Your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are real fans of the show, huh?

I am so excited for this spa day. Candles lit, music on, hot tub warm and ready.

And then my chronic hives come back. Again, in the middle of my spa day.
What a wet blanket. Looks like another spell of itchy red skin.

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Well, I stalked the back part of this lineup with some of your favorite superstars. Let the chaos absolutely begin as I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

This is a big fucking stage, and this guy knows how to use it. Ladies and gentlemen, here

in Las Vegas, Nevada, I present the one and only Casey Rocket.

That's life.

Thank you.

Hey, when I was a kid, if there was fentanyl in the pills, we just did less pills.

We didn't throw the baby out with the bathwater.

We just did a little less pills.

Oh man.

Hell yeah. My pronouns are bionicle.
Nobody gets me. So tragic.

Couldn't have happened to a nicer guy. Sorry if I seem a little off tonight.
Somebody slipped me some ketamine and I woke up in Baghdad. So

allah what? Akbar. So cool to think about.
We're on the holidays.

It's actually funny you bring that up. I uh

What does ketamine feel like? Good question. Ketamine

ketamine kind of feels like: have you ever woken up in the middle of the night because your dog is barking at the closet?

So it's like that, but you're the dog.

And you're also hiding in the closet.

Sort of a duality of man situation. Interesting to think about.
Thank you, Casey Rocket, so far. Thank you.
Casey

Rocket has arrived with what appears to be a new trademark office chair. We've never seen anything like this before.

Tony, I was so terrified when he was rolling across there, he almost hit Pauly Shore's adult diaper.

Oh my goodness. Are you asking me a question?

I'm too tired to riff.

You must be exhausted. You have a very special

crab man bottle of Robotussin wrapped around around your neck. We've never really seen anything like it before.

This old thing?

Yeah.

This is the tuss chain.

Where do you get one of those? Nick Sabin made it for me. Wow.

Shout out. Hall of Fame college football head coach Nick Sabin.

Now on college game day.

ESPN, College Game Day. He made it.
It's pretty sweet. I've been

well I was inducted into the mind freaks Chris Angels Mind Freaks. Yeah.

So I've been training with them for six months,

levitating.

Yeah, what's that initiation like? Freaky.

It's a lot of him like handing me a box of raisins and it'll be all melted and he'll go, I did that. And I'll go.

I'll go, all right. Cool magic trick, Chris.
Hell yeah.

He'll go, you feel that? And I'll go, feel what? And he'll go, you got a blood clot.

Wow.

That is amazing. Yeah, it pays the bills.
It's good cash. Pays the bills.

Can you do a little levitating for us, perhaps? Maybe if everybody gets on their, claps their fucking hands. Oh.

It's like some Peter Payne Tinkerbill shit.

Using the energy from the audience. Gotta keep clapping, I think, people.

Whoa, his eyes are doing something crazy.

Wow.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

Oh.

Oh, my God. The tusk is shaking.

That's awesome. Wow.

Absolutely incredible. We'll put it in in post.
We'll put it through an editing.

Put it through an AI thing for the viewers at home. It's going to look amazing.

I'll be like Tony Collette and Hereditary. He'll be floating at the six people.
Who cares? Yeah. It's okay.

Felt good. Casey, what does a guy like you do in Las Vegas, Nevada? Woo!

Play it fast and loose.

I'm going to. Jolly was talking about paying for

P-word.

Paying for.

I'd like to pay to make love.

Oh my goodness. That's sweet.
Even Even if it's double or triple, I don't care.

What's your number? Like how much will you pay? What's the ceiling? No ceiling. Old money.
I'd pay anything.

Sky's the limit. There is no ceiling for a man that levitates like you.
Something like that. Ooh.

You stay up late enough in Vegas, Case. You'd be surprised what you can get a gal to do with her mouth for an Arby's beef and cheddar.

Why is a friend told me that? From Dr. Phil, no doubt about it.
He's been around the block. Well, I've been around for a bit.

A billionaire. You're a billionaire, Dr.
Phil. Sure.
I can afford Arby's. You're goddamn right.

Yeah, I'd like her to dress up like my college girlfriend and apologize for my alcoholism, would be cool.

She'd be like, I'm sorry, you pissed your pants or whatever. And I bet water under the bridge.

Yeah.

You ever fucking a water bed, Casey?

If you think so. Yeah, if you think that.

I do. Have you done that?

Dr. Philip, you?

Hold that thought, Tony. We'll be right back.

No, yeah, of course. I lost my virginity in a water bed, and I still make love to my wife in a water bed.
It's just fun. It feels like you're in the ocean.
Oh, God. Yeah.

I love thinking about the ocean.

Especially around the holidays. It's.

Which holiday?

Jew Kwanzaa, like Tony said?

The whichever one's closest. I would love.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about it right now.
I don't know if you can tell. Take your time.
But I'm thinking about making love on the waterbed, and Shorty's really getting it. Yeah.

Yeah.

Tusk dangling over her head. She's hypnotized by the crab.
No doubt about it. You like that thing? Yep.
Cool. Are you wearing the Tussin necklace when you're fucking? Oh, yeah, it's hitting her.

Yeah, she's got got to wear a goalie mask. Yeah, it's fucking rocking her nose.

Oh, there it is. You love the ocean.
Trick-or-treat. You love the ocean, little buddy.
Trick-or-treat. Oh, yeah.
You love it. Here, let me do something for you.

Oh, the wind is blowing.

It's a lot of wind.

Oh, my goodness. He's loving TV.

Does that turn you off?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, horny. Horny.

What's the farthest you've ever rolled in your chair? What's the longest distance ever? Couple clicks. Couple clicks.
A couple clits? Clicks. Oh, I thought you said clits.
That's what I thought.

I'm like, where'd you get the gynecology chair?

No, a couple clicks, like two clicks east. I've taken it a couple times.
Okay.

What'd you find when you stopped?

Stuff I'm not comfortable talking about around the holidays.

Was it an all-nude office depot?

Yeah. I'm home.
Yeah.

So cool to think about. How much driftwood did you find on the beach today? Dozen.
Okay. A dozen.
Dozen quartz. A couple quarts, a couple clicks.
Call it a day.

You kind of look like the guy with the metal detector walking around being like, I found a treasure.

Oh, there he is. He's levitating again.
Full of blood clots. Look at that.
Oh, it looks like you found Helen Keller. What the hell was that?

Oh, my goodness. He's levitating.
Or Keller Helen. Oh, my God.

He looks like an opioid fucking waitress at Red Lobster. Holy shit.

If you're lucky. Casey, you're an absolute superstar.
We love you so much. Thank you, guys.
Thank you, Mac. It's so fun.
Thank you.

All right.

Bucket pool number seven. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anthony Schumann II.

Now

I'm going to pull for a woman on this next bucket pull because we haven't had a female yet tonight. But for now, this is Anthony Schuman II.
Make some noise for Anthony, everybody.

Izzyko of Las Vegas.

Just had that fourth kid.

Yeah, that post-vasectomy, baby.

Yeah, the miracle baby, as my wife calls it

That kid doesn't look anything like me.

I'm pretty sure he's Mexican, guys.

So I named him after my best friend, Diego.

Seemed fitting.

No, we adopted that one, you assholes.

Yeah, he's a rescue.

Favorite thing I've learned as a dad, favorite thing I've learned, you guys can take it home and do it tonight. You can hit any kid you want.

Doesn't have to be yours.

All you got to do, yell bees first.

Be!

Bee! Killer bees!

I'm Anthony Schuman, everybody. Thank you guys so much.
Anthony Schuman, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me.
Absolutely. There will be jokes.
Look at you.

How long have you been on stand-up? Five years, man. I love it.
All here in Vegas? No, I'm from Tacoma, Tacoma, Washington myself. Oh, nice.
A little big pop for Tacoma, Washington. Very interesting.

Is that how they fight bees in Tacoma? Fucking jiu-jitsu. You know how it goes, Dr.
Phil. Let's go, baby.
You have one, two, punch. Kick those kids in the fucking face is what I say, Dr.
Phil.

That's not what I was talking about, but okay.

Still talking about bees. What do you do for a living, Anthony? I'm a stay-at-home dad.
Oh, wow. I used to be in the military, I retired, and now I stay home with my kids.
Nice.

How many kids do you have? I have four. Whoa, look at you.
Yeah. Damn.
Three regulars and a rescue. That's what we do.
Okay.

My goodness. I got a state for a stay-at-home dad.
You're not very good at it. I see you.
No, abandoned the shit out of him the first chance I got, Arlen.

How old are your kids? I got 10, 12, and then I got three and two.

Coconut cream pie, am I right? Love a cream pie. Absolutely.

So, have you ever been attacked by bees? Like, have you ever been swarmed by actual bees or hornets? You think that bit came out of nowhere, Harlan? Yeah, that's what I'm thinking.

I am a beekeeper, my friend. You're a beekeeper? Hell yes, Mr.
Harlan Williams. I have bees at my house, two hives.
Whoa. Yeah.

Drop the bees.

Fuck.

You just got to watch out for those killer bees. Yeah, have you ever been swarmed by killer bees? No, no, no.
They're Africanized. You will.
You will. Oh, no, they are.
Shut the fuck up.

That's a bee fact, you dicks.

Okay.

Anthony, all your kids healthy? All healthy. One with cerebral palsy, but he's healthy.
Okay.

Is he funny? I'm looking for another golden ticket winner.

I'm getting him there. I'm getting him there, Tony.
Very good. Comedy cures.

You said you're the second, right? I am not the second. Anthony Moonchino.
I don't know how that got on there. I think it's just number 11.
Oh, that makes sense.

That makes sense. There's no parentheses on it.

That makes sense. There's parentheses around the other numbers.

They just put an 11 next to your last name.

Look at that. Unbelievable.

There's 232, 45, 106, 183, 114, 48, and then the second.

Guess that one's on me. When you're not on stage, do you chew a piece of hay?

You do look like a hay chewer. I live on a farm.
Wow. Absolutely incredible.
Circle gets a square. What do you farm, my guy? We got bees.
You got

that. Yeah.
We got pigs.

We even got some of those slanty-eyed kids to help the landscaping. Wow.

Okay,

and we'll be right back. What the fuck?

Release the bees. Release the bees.
Release the bees. Drop the fucking bees.
Drop the bees. Coconut pie.
Anthony Bunset. We're going to keep it moving.
There goes Anthony Schumann every day.

Tacoma, Washington, baby. All right.

Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most elite regulars in the history of the show. Perhaps you know the words of his theme song.
When you met him, he was living in his van, addicted to open mics.

Now he is the superstar that flew in just for this. Make some noise.
This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.
This is Hans Kim. This is skin, this is on skin.

Hey,

what's up, Vegas?

It's great to be here at Resorts World. I love the giant screen you have on the building.

I'm staying in Burt Kreischer's left nipple.

Haitians are eating cats now.

I don't realize my ancestors were on the Haitian diet this whole time.

Apparently they're bad at driving too. They're taking everything from us.

I feel like an Italian in the 60s. I'm about to be white soon.

The only thing they haven't taken is a little dick thing.

They're out here crashing into cars, eating cats with big dick energy.

Unlike Haitians my family eats cats year-round not just during election season

thank you guys so much

Hans Kim

very strong

thank you Tony

you're welcome

very fun set you've done it again dr. Phil what do you think about this young buck Boy, Hans, if you're here, who's sleeping on a bench at the mall somewhere?

Hans, you're consistently funny. You come out, I've known you for a hot minute now, and you come out, your delivery just gets sharper and sharper.
Do you feel locked in right now?

Yeah, I'm talking like a normal person.

I am talking like a normal prisoner.

I'm trying to talk. I always sound so normal.

I'm trying not to do that voice. There you go.

I'm trying to be white.

Yeah. Well, you're funny.
So I want to say something. So I referenced Hans earlier on the show tonight.

About eight or nine years ago, I'd never met Hans, and you opened for me in Seattle. Do you remember that, Hans? Yes.
And when we finished the weekend, I went up to Hans. I'd never met him.

And the thing I said to him, I said, Hans, you know what I really like about you? You're a really good writer. I can tell you take the time to think out your jokes, write clever jokes.

And so I want to go back back to what I said I want all the other young comics that come on this show and use it as a launching pad to use Hans as an example go deeper go smarter go clever leave kind of the ejaculation and jerk off material at home and strive to be smart like Hans and you go a lot further in this industry so good for you buddy

thank you

yes yes but to that point if you're a fat guy and you can jiggle your tits do that

no doubt about it.

Hans, are you enjoying Las Vegas? It's amazing. I found a joint on the ground.
Oh, my God. I'm going to smoke it soon? No.
Oh, okay. Weird idea.

Did you ever find a piece of dog shit on the ground?

I mean, we eat that in Asia. Where exactly on the ground did you find this joint that excited you? You're literally rich.

Thank you.

I I found it right here by the Lyft and Uber pickup area. Oh, that was mine.
Can I get that back?

Of course, Harlan.

And you've literally found something wrapped in a rolling paper and you're like, oh, today's my rookie day.

Oh.

Wow.

Las Vegas luck.

Do not smoke things that you find on the ground, Hans. Yeah, it's a hard pass.

It is so interesting. No matter how much we've watched him grow and watched his life change, there is like deep inside of you this just fucking weird, thrifty, autistic guy.

You found a joint near the Uber lift pickup section of a Las Vegas high-traffic fucking casino in a hotel and it excited you. Very much so.

This is one of the best things I found here.

Wow. If you could smoke weed with one person in the world, dead or alive, who would it be? I already smoked weed with Joe Rogan and Tony Hinschcliffe.
No bag, no big deal. Pretty cool.

But besides that, probably like Mother Teresa.

Oh, wow. Weird answer.
Very weird answer. Or like fucking

some child star like Haley Joel Osmutt. Yep, that'd be fun.
In his prime. See what he sees?

He's like, I see a fucking Taco Bell two minutes from here.

What did Mother Teresa's bong look like?

Wrinkled and yellow.

I said her bong, dude.

It looked very holy. It looked like a bunch of Indian people coughed on it or something.

Okie-dokie. Okay.

Feels like a good time to transition.

Hans, you are adored and loved all the way around.

There you go.

Defender of his throne.

Make some noise for Hans Kim.

Ladies and gentlemen, as the show has gone even longer than I expected, I announced that this will be your final bucket pull of the night.

I only had to pull two names to find our first female comedian of the night. Your final bucket pull goes by the name of Eunice

Martinez.

Eunice

Martinez.

God damn, make some noise for Valerie Von. Jesus fucking Christ Almighty.

Unbelievable. And one more time for Eunice Martinez.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh man, speaking of grifty and a lot of cats going missing, I'm what's known as a recovering

MILF

mangling

muff muncher

weird way to say that I date guys now.

And I've gone to therapy for my grandma issues.

I know you're not in therapy. That's why we're here together, all right?

And with that in mind, I gotta tell you, I'm so impressed with the lineup I've seen and with like the people coming and going.

Because being in Albuquerque right now, the only thing I see coming and going is the stuff out of my yard.

And a lot of that has to do with it getting warmer outside, and there's a great migration happening from our war zone up to the Sandillas.

A lot of you are mad because of unhomed.

But I'm not going to talk about pussy no more. Thank you.
Eunice Martinez. Hello, Eunice.
Am I saying that correctly? Eunice?

Okay.

How do you feel like that went?

I mean,

so I mean, I got booed by the men that aren't familiar with pussy, I guess. I don't know.
Ooh, I like that. Attack the audience for not laughing.

Do they want me to take my shirt off or something? No, no, no. They definitely don't want that.
No. I blew it.
No.

No. I wanted that fat guy to take his shirt off earlier.
That's what I wanted.

Eunice, have you done stand-up before?

I actually have been doing it for like eight years and improving. Oh, shit.

I'm open to learning. I'm open to learning.

Jesus Christ. Nothing you said made any sense.
A recovering MILF, what does that mean? A recovering MILF mangling muncher is a term that I came up with. Basically, I like old ladies.

I like gray hair on my pussy is what I am saying when I eat it. You're a lesbian.

I was for a long time, yeah. And then now they're calling it just like pansexual, I guess.

But you're a recovering MILF. You have a kid.
No, I actually lost it in February. That's why I still have the pouch.
You lost what?

The kid, it was an overachiever. It jumped out before time.

That's how I refer to miscarriages. It's too antiquated.
You had a miscarriage in February. And February, yeah, yeah.
I wish it was a beer, but it's not.

Wow. That's what happens?

I guess we don't talk about it.

My goodness. How far along was the pregnancy? Oh, like four months.
So like right in the half, and then it just went during the halftime. And you were doing stand-up during this?

No, I was actually a baker. I probably should have been doing stand-up.
You were baking? Yeah, I'm a baker by trade. Obviously, you don't specialize in buns in the oven.
Mine was faulty.

Yikes.

Okay, okay. Hey.

Very rarely do you get to do a baker miscarriage joke. Yeah, that is tonight's new Doritos joke of the night.

Now, I do want to ask a personal question. So four months in, so did you know it? You know, because

I've dealt with a lot of miscarriages on my show. Okay, and usually there's a feeling that happens when it happens, right? A little bit of, you know, a little pre-fart okay

there's a signal a sign did you feel it coming or did just kind of you woke up and

i i went to the restroom and i was like that's not supposed to happen and yeah can you describe what it was like sound effect red band go ahead like that kind of like that when it hit the toilet i was just like oh wait the baby went in the fucking for real

We don't talk about women's health.

I'm sorry. No, let's talk about it.
Yeah, let's go.

What What do you think caused it? How does this happen? I mean, you're a Mexican woman, right? This is like... I'm a lot of things.
I'm mixed. I'm a Cameroonian, Puerto Rican, all this other stuff.

That's probably why I got confused. Uh-huh.
Well, the body's a

tricky instrument, right? Were you doing anything? You weren't

consuming stuff you shouldn't while pregnant, were you? Nah. Keeping it clean.
Now, are you going to run it back? Are you trying to find, you said you're recovering? Are you trying to find a new

way to get a new baby? I mean, I was hoping to have my first Las Vegas lady kiss, because I've never had that, but I don't know. I mean, no.
All right, all right. There she goes, Eunice Martinez.

Thank you.

Here's a little joke book. It's actually the size of your baby back in February.
There you go.

Oh,

we're so tough. Las Vegas, the home of the Raiders.
Oh,

we're so tough.

Oh, we're groaning. Wow, I can literally tell which women women have had a miscarriage in this room right now by the looks on the faces.

No one has a. If you think you'd have better poker faces here in Las Vegas, oh shit, there's a very angry one.
It's a fucking lady gaga fucking standing, double middle fingers on that one.

Wow, I can literally tell he's at a miscarriage. This is an incredible moment in this show's history.
It's a raw comedy show, people.

Anything can happen.

Wow, she was fucking terrible.

I mean just nothing mate. I came up with it myself

That baby hit the eject button on purpose that was

one of the we call that early onset suicide. That's what that was

Yeah, that is tonight's new Doritos joke of the night

All right. I got good news for you, though.
Full recovery coming as I present to you, literally, one of the biggest superstars in the show's history. This is that moment, ladies and gentlemen.

I present to you the great, the powerful, Cam Patterson.

Thank you. All right, now I gotta talk.
Listen, that last bitch was terrible. She was horrible.
She was very bad. But she had a fat ass, right? So at least give her that one, dog.

Y'all know I talk about cities everywhere I go to. I talk about cities where I go.
And I like Vegas. I do like it a lot.
But it's fucking terrible. You know that, right? It's a terrible.

Listen, Vegas is like if you took a piece of shit and put diamonds on it.

It's still a piece of shit, though, dog. You understand what I'm saying? Y'all in the middle of a fucking desert, dog.
It's terrible.

I'm going to tell y'all this. I changed my outfit for the night.
I changed my outfit. I usually wear a white t-shirt, but today my shirt says I'm just here to glorify God.

And my hat says, all death to all white women. So

that's it. Hold up.
I got one more thing. I used to be a scammer for a long time before I started doing stand-up comedy.
And one time I scammed this one dude, and he posted to give me some money back.

All I needed was his first and last name and social security number. And I put $20,000 in his bank account.
He gave me everything I needed, but he never gave me half the money.

And I was really mad for a minute, but then I remembered that I had his first, last name, and his fucking Social Security number.

So I called him, I was like, hey, I want to tell you something, brother. I hope you enjoy the army because you're going.

That man camp out that guy so much.

Cam Patterson. What's up, nigga?

Shit, man, I've been waiting by this before for a long ass time, boy. Goddamn.

Yo, yeah. You know what I'm saying?

You know what I'm saying, Harley. My hat fell.
Don't worry about that.

I'm surprised you didn't jump out early like the last lady's baby did. Wait, she had a miscarriage? Yeah.

I looked at her ass. Boy, that shit was thick as fuck.
Well, the good news is: a girl like that, you can come inside of her, and then the baby's never gonna come out all the way. Yeah,

that's good. Yeah, bosses are costly, they cost a lot of money, though.
Yeah, she takes care of it. Her body takes care of it.
That's pretty cool. What the fuck you gotta say, Harley?

You look kind of crazy, right? What you got? I like your shirt, man.

Are you a man of God? I love God, yeah. Give me a potato.
I love that, buddy. I love that.
Hell yeah. Yes, sir.
I love that. Goddamn.
That's good. You don't like God? Fuck, nigga?

Thank you.

Yeah, man. Don't be a fuck guy.
Now you got it. I got it.
Tony, do it again.

Go ahead. Go, you ready? Don't be a fuck guy.
Nigga.

Yeah. Now, when you come,

you fucking nigga. Oh,

keep going. Yeah.
What are you going to do? Steal my wallet, you? Nope, nope, nope, nope.

You almost got me, bitch. Y'all almost got me, Tony.
No.

I'm not doing that.

What are you going to do? Write a rap song, you fucking...

Stop it!

What are you going to play the keyboard in my band?

I created a muffle. We created a muffle.
This is fun. We created a muffle.
This is not good. This is fun.
I'm sorry, one black guy in the crowd. I apologize, nigga.
I'm sorry. Yeah.
Good.

How did you see him so quick? he smiled oh

I like his eyes he's one of the good no

this fucked up man this is good

but Cam you said Vegas is a piece of shit but there's gotta be something you love about it right uh no oh the horse the horse is cool okay but everybody talked about the horse yeah y'all got whores oh yeah

every place got sucks every place got sucks i talked about that in in my book. Yeah.

I read the book. I read it.
Thank you so much. I read it on an audio book.
It was good. I like it.
Okay, good. Hell yeah.

Fuck yeah. Chapter 15, every place has sluts.
Hell yeah. Every place got whores, man.
I love a good whore. Don't you love a good whore, Dr.
Phil? Why not? Come on, man. It's Wednesday somewhere.

Talk to me. Man, it's good.

It is Wednesday, isn't it? It is Wednesday. That's fucking crazy.

Vegas Wednesday feels like a Nebraska Friday.

Tony, I think this is our first Wednesday kill Tony ever.

Wow.

One for the history, folks, ladies and gentlemen. Nah,

we did him in Dublin, Ireland, I do believe. Yeah.
Wrong as fuck, Red Man. God damn it.
We did Dublin and then Manchester and then two in London. He was loud and wrong, too.
That's crazy. What?

He was just loud and wrong. Yeah.
Loud and wrong. Hell yeah.
Yeah, well, he can be a real sloppy.

Oh. Actually, go ahead go ahead.
Yeah, he's a real fat

What the fuck is he talking about?

Oh, I love it Cam is there anything else fun you have planned for Las Vegas Nevada?

Oh no, I'm probably gonna fuck up with them with them for a lot of horse fucking with you know saying but like this I'm gonna actually right after this I'm gonna go put 500 on black and see what happens

Wow

Wow so we'll see

Wow

now is it racist if I put it on red

And I'm blessed.

Okay. Yeah, 100%.
Okay. 100%.
Asking for a friend. This is just a suggestion, but try putting 900 on Pauly Shore's blue underpants.

Okay, say listen. I didn't even watch that part.
It was pretty gay, so I didn't watch it.

He walked out without, I'm not doing this today. Yeah.

Did you like Pauly's blue underpants? Nah, I didn't really see it. I seen it from the back.
I was like, I'm not going to watch that part. You're going to see them later, or what do you think?

Nah, I don't think so. Why not? I don't want to.
What's up with you on Underpants? You love Underpants for some reason. I just saw you.
You like Underpants a lot. Last time you lost Upshant.

I thought maybe me and you could go hang out with me. You could keep me to fucking hold on.

Let's go. Me and you.

Coconut. Coconut, coconut, coconut, pot.
Coconut, coconut, coconut, pot.

You gotta have a fucking stroke, nigga. What the fuck? What's the closest you ever felt to being in a black guy band? And you a real nigga, there you go, hell yeah.
Yeah, we're acting too.

We're acting. We were this close to SEALs having sex, man.
What the fuck are you talking about right now, man?

Come on, let's go see Paulie's underpants. Come on.

I'm not going over with you, Arlen. You like blueberries? No.
I'm allergic to love his. I'm allergic to blueberries.

What can I say? Cam Patterson, you've done it again. You're a superstar.

The world loves you.

The world loves them. How loud can this place get for Cam Patterson?

My goodness, one of the longest episodes in the show's history. Las Vegas, I got to give you credit.
You guys are fucking troopers.

It's been a wild ride. A lot of you have been here for about four hours.
If you were here during audience load-in, and there's only one way to end a show like this:

there's only one possible option. I present to you

Hall of Famer record holder for all-time interviews, all-time appearances.

Some people call him the Vagrant of Las Vegas.

The Reno

The Memphis Strangler,

the big red machine. This is William Montgomery.

How's it going, Las Vegas, Nevada?

I've actually, I've got some huge news. I got a job at the new crypto mining facility they built in Memphis.

Excuse me, I'm already suffering from silicon lung.

Weirdly enough, P. Diddy's cellmate is the crypto crook San Bankman Freed.
Wait, Bitcoin, more like buttcoin.

P. Diddy is refusing to eat in prison because he says he'll get poisoned.
And I got to tell y'all, I think he's right. Says, when did Kevin Hart start working in the prison kitchen?

Quick housekeeping note, I'm starting a cult. If interested, please see me after the show.

Remember the book, Curious George and his friend the man with the yellow hat? Do y'all know what that guy's real name is? Redband.

He's a total weirdo. He's got a fucking monkey for a friend

okay well that's my time

wow

ladies and gentlemen God my fucking shit was falling off during my set the whole time Tony

my fucking bosoms are showing they are this is absolutely incredible

I mean wow you look stunning tonight William holy fucking that's it's Gina turn off

It really is.

I'm also getting word from the sponsors that Bitcoin, more like buttcoin, is the new Doritos joke.

Yeah, I thought that was going to go a little better. I thought they were all going to go a little better, Tony.

Doritos is donating.

Your nipples are out. You have no areola at all.
Wow.

Zero areola. Look at that.
Just the hard part. Well, that's not what your mom said last night, but she was also sucking on my titties last night.
She must have ate them all off.

So she can tell they're a light shade of pink, dumbass. It appears as though Red Band's mother has sucked the pigment off of William's nipples.
Oh, and it felt so good, dumbass. You know what?

You know what? Let's cut to a clip.

Okay.

You don't have to clip it. William's dressed.
Just let it fall, William. Just let it fall.

This is the first time we've seen the stunning chest of William Montgomery.

Well,

I'm dressed this way. I'm literally, I think I'm going to move to Vegas.
I've always wanted to be a Vegas showgirl. I want to start letting my freak flag fly a little more.

I've really been keeping it kind of in the closet. I kind of want to bust on out and just start letting my freak flag fly.

Antonio, I think that starts with being maybe a showgirl in Vegas, maybe at RuPaul's drag review. I'm gonna talk to RuPaul later on tonight.

But yeah, what would your name be? Huh?

What would your showgirl name be? Miss Delicious.

Oh my goodness, gracious.

Great name.

I was thinking, Miss Carriage.

He's like a new Transformer, Optimus Pink.

Okay, maybe not. Fuck off.

William, how does it feel walking around in those shoes? It feels wonderful. I'm actually a natural at it.
I've been doing it for the past week.

I got these on Amazon a week ago, and I'm a natural at walking around in heels. That's why I think I should do it.
Seriously, I mean, honestly.

Honestly.

From like the knees up, knees down,

knees down, William's hot. Yeah, the legs are nice.
Yo. Yo, fuck that.
I'm talking from the butt crack up, from the back. You look like a peacock.
You look like a peacock having a midlife crisis.

And I'm here for it. Cool.

A black peacock, or as I call it, a master peacock. Yeah.

But those of you no limit soldiers fans. Yeah.
It's fun. You look like Mrs.
Doubtfire fell down some stairs is what you look like.

Okay, I didn't come here just to get attacked and fucking me look. I'm dressed like this.
I already lost $5,000 on the slot machines earlier. No, I'm kidding.
That was a lie.

I lost 500, though, so I'm in the hole.

See if I can dig myself out of it tonight. And also, I'm looking for a ride.
If anybody can give me a ride to White Castle, I have to. Who to give William Montgomery a ride?

I gotta get a fucking ride to Whitecastle tonight. I have to.
Maybe that dumbass who's leaving during my set, maybe that fucking drum.

Let him go. Let him go.
Wow, he threw up the number one sign while walking away. A lot of Raiders fans here tonight.

Fair weather football fans.

Yeah, I mean, the Raiders are nothing like fucking Fremont Street!

Hey, y'all, no one's a Fremont Street!

What do you love about Fremont Street? Oh, my gosh. Well, you can actually get hookers from there.
And I...

Oh, the wheels are turning, ladies and gentlemen. I said too much.
I've already said too much.

What's your criteria for a hooker? I need somebody with a giny first and foremost.

I gotta have somebody with a giny down there because it seems like sometimes if you get with somebody and they don't have a giny, they got that other thing down there.

It seems like it can sometimes be a problem. So, giny first and foremost.

I need soft hands. I need a butt on her fucking ass.
I gotta have a butt on that thing.

So vagina and a butt. A vagina and a butt are the qualifying things.

Soft hands is also in the mix. So I could get you the bottom half of a mannequin from Banana Republic? Yes.
Okay. Touche.

Thank you so much. You got it.

So William,

what else is going on?

You have a sweet little belly jiggling when you laugh.

When you laugh.

Look at your feathers bounce. Yeah, I know.
You can see my belly button in the middle part. That is, I think, how they made it.
They really do. They flock together.
Oh, shit.

Look out, jiggly tits, Todd.

Red Babe, why are you looking at me like this? Your fucking gut looks like that. William, can you stand on one heel?

Can you stand on one?

Like a peacock. Wow.
That is incredible. Can you click your shoes together? There's no place like Gnome.
There's no place like Gnome.

Because you look like a Gnome. Okay, let's move on.

No, I don't know if I could do that. William, you are absolutely stunning.
I've never seen anything quite like this.

You look like

the Sillsbury Pride Boy.

This is...

You look like the spokesman for white men for Kamala.

Damn right.

Four more years, baby. Four more years!

A kick. Oh, boy.
A kick. A heel turn.
A heel turn from one of the most beloved characters in the show's history.

William, anything else that we should know about?

Are you going to be

doing this more often? Are you going to... Tony, it's so weird.
I mean, again, I'm a natural talking,

talking, walking in these lurch shoes, so I think there's probably a good chance. I...

William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. Tips out, jokes out.

What a masterpiece. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.
The Hall of Famer has done it again. What if the name of heaven?

Make some noise for the best damn band in the land, huh?

How about how about can this place get for Dr. Phil? He's going to be in Las Vegas at the Virgin Hotel Theater January 11th.
Tickets for his entire tour. AdamRayComedy.com.

And one more time for the great Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen, the Harlan Highway.

One of the best podcasts out there. I'm going to be doing it soon.
I'm also doing Adam's podcast soon. We're going to be having a lot of fun.
I fucking love you two guys.

Two legends of the Kill Tony universe.

So fun to have you guys here in Las Vegas. Did you guys have fun tonight?

Thank you to everyone. Ari Maddie, Jack Shawn, David Jolly, Jared, Nathan, Todd, Royce, Luncle, Laser, Casey, Rocket, Hans, Kim, Camp, Patterson, William, Montgomery, Red Hand.
Thank you, Vegas.

The job of the range emote is in. It is absolutely incredible.
We love you guys. Thank you.
Good night, everybody. Thank you.

Yeah,

let's get one.

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