#690 - ARI SHAFFIR + JIM NORTON

Hey, get the script and come in life live from Skank Fest!

Here for Las Vegas to Lana.

Who's ready for the best fucking Skank Fest night of their lives?

Oh, shit.

Make some noise for Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Guys, we're back at SkankFest for the first time in years.

We're in an arena acting.

Now you get to see us in a real room.

How's that?

Fuck yeah.

You get to watch a podcast that makes money.

Make some noise for Skankfest, Luis J.

Gomez, Rebecca, Christine.

We're here.

It's been years.

These shows here, specifically at SkankFest, are famously vulgar, a lot dirtier, a lot sloppier.

There's a lot more feedback all the time.

There's a lot of weird noises that happen that

we're not normally used to with our high level of productions,

both in arenas, at the mothership, in Austin.

So it's going to be loosey-goosey, fun, fun.

I'm going to be...

pouring into this Crown Royal a little bit earlier than usual.

Very loose, fun episode.

Is that cool with you guys?

Are you guys happy to be here?

If there's anybody that expected a different show or anything or wants to go do something else, feel free to leave.

We'll bring other people in.

And is that cool?

Everybody happy?

Well, in that case,

this is a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open.

Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Here to watch us watch comedians.

Two, I can't believe I was able to get them.

Two of the greatest comedians in the world.

Two of our favorite comedians in the world.

Two of the best comedians at Skank Fest.

Two of the best guests guests in the history of the show.

Make some fucking noise for Jim Norton and Ari Shafir.

Oh,

my goodness.

Jim Norton and Ari fucking Shafir.

First time hanging out since Madison Square Garden with you guys Jim with fucking two absolutely incredible sets back-to-back nights and fucking to see the love that New York gave you was incredible Ari Shafir ended up costing us a hundred thousand dollars

and uh

typical Jew

and a lot of trouble

we tried man we tried to play by the rules word on this street is that uh MSG is interested in working with us again, literally under the only request is no Ari Shafir.

It is unbelievable that the world's greatest, most famous venue in the world is like, look, we love you guys.

Let's run it back.

One thing, no Ari Shafir.

You can bring Diddy, but not Ari Shafir.

Diddy's doing a whole fucking residency.

We're going to have fun tonight.

You guys know how it works.

We have a bucket, a little bit of a lighter load than usual, but that's cool.

We're gonna deal with it.

It was a special super secret pop-up show here at Skank Fest.

Nobody knew about it except for a very, very small amount of extremely like seven people knew about it.

And so we wrangled comedians real late with like 30 minutes left before the showtime.

But if I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted.

You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry Fremont Street Bear.

You guys ready to start tonight's show?

I'm gonna pre-pull a name.

They're gonna wrangle the human being.

Somebody from over here is gonna get them.

This looks good.

Good enough to start.

And while we do that, let's have a regular do a brand new minute, huh?

Does that sound cool?

You guys know this show at all?

Ladies and gentlemen, here to do a brand new minute.

Make some noise for the undeniable superstar.

This is the great and powerful Casey Rocket.

Look be lady tonight,

Snake eyes.

I'm just trying to get my back blown out in this motherfucker.

Put me in a little basket, push me down the river like baby Moses.

Trying to get baptized.

Alright, cool.

Man, I love this city.

City like this.

Night like tonight.

It's good.

Get away from the fat cats on Capitol Hill, you know what I mean?

They got their little grubby fingies and everything.

Movies, TV, especially movies, you know.

Mulan Rouge?

No, Mulan Asian.

You know what I mean?

It's just crazy to think about.

And I was watching all the Terminator movies last night, which was hard because I hate machines.

And

I thought I'd do a palate cleanser, so I watched all the Transformers movies, and I was like, you gotta be funny.

I OD'd on whippets at Spencer's Gifts last night, and

they tried to revive me using smelling salts but they accidentally gave me poppers so my butthole was massive and

crazy to think about around the holidays all right thank you Casey Rocket have a good night Casey Rocket

Very very lovely Vegas themed set you have a set of dice and some brand new undeniable Las Vegas shorts kind of sexy to think about yeah very cute kind of just shaking that thing yeah hats off to the the Casey Bulge.

Not bad.

Thanks.

Yeah.

It's a real flat front, though.

I didn't think about that.

I adjusted it so it would be that, so that's funny, but I adjusted it like that.

The rocket doesn't fall far from the tree in this fan.

It's actually funny you bring that up because I actually adjusted it to look like that.

So it could have.

Totally normal.

Wouldn't worry about that.

You look good.

How have you been enjoying Las Vegas, Casey?

It's fine.

Whoa.

Are you only here for this?

I'm here for Skank Fest.

Yeah.

Uh-huh.

Having fun.

It's fine.

Lost a bunch of money on roulette, so it's been tough.

Who's that?

Black Hooker?

Black Hooker.

No roulette table.

But they gave me something kind of cool.

Cool.

Consolation.

When you lose a couple hundred, they give you some kind of cool.

So

this is from Harrow's Casino.

This is a picture of the Grinch with a gun.

So, it's kind of cool to think about.

And it's signed by Gypsy Rose Blanchard.

Wow.

I'm going to, you know, pass over.

Casey famously gives out pictures sometimes during his sets.

One of the many trademarks of the great Casey Rocket.

Thank you.

Happy to be here.

Where do you get a pair of shorts like that?

These old things?

Yeah.

You dressed like half the hookers I've met in this town.

It's usually what they change into at 6 a.m.

after they don't shower.

And they don't tuck as well.

You can see the thong through it, by the way.

Yeah,

the underwear that you're wearing underneath are blatantly more comedic than the shorts that you put on.

Yeah.

We're not going to make you do it because you're so smart and such a great artist.

You want me to pop them off?

I mean,

this is Skank Vest.

What do you guys think?

See what you're working with, buddy.

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

A master of reveals.

Oh, yeah.

Even the band is getting into this.

Look at that.

How about a hand for LMNOP the band tonight, ladies and gentlemen?

Joel Rodowski, Nick Liberatori, and Dave Lacey.

Oh, my goodness.

That's a ball.

That's a ball.

Actually, that's more realistic.

This is what I wanted to avoid.

Damn, that's a hog, bro.

That's nice.

I'm so embarrassed.

I've never been so embarrassed.

It looks like you have 13 erections right now.

That's how my underwear looks in the back.

Smuggling in two of Diddy's victims in there.

Oh, this is my nightmare.

What a nightmare.

Casey, you are such a goddamn superstar.

Always the funniest.

Hair all the way.

I mean, there's just no break between your thighs and your pubes, I can tell.

That is just, it is hair all the way around.

For those of you that might be interested in what the body hair of one of your favorite comedians looks like, it is 360 degrees all around the thigh with no,

there's no lightning of it at all.

Literally looks like, I mean, a

full-grown werewolf.

Very hairy, Tony.

Thanks for asking.

A lot of hair down there, and it's growing.

Kind of good.

Yeah,

that came from within.

I got goosebumps down there.

It's all standing up, I can tell.

You know, it would be great if you left all the hair and only shaved your asshole.

Do it, do it.

Do it, do it.

I can't do it now.

I would, I'd love something like that.

It feels good to have you guys looking at me.

Not typically something I do, so this is good for business.

It's a special Skank Fest secret wild episode.

Casey, thank you for getting it started.

You are the legend.

We love you.

There he goes, the great Casey.

Oh,

goodness gracious.

It's Skank Fest!

This is Kill Tony at Skank Fest

Secret Show

Wow!

Valerie

Vaughn, ladies and gentlemen.

Heidi is

climbing Mount Kilimanjaro right now, literally.

And Valerie Vaughan is the full-time ring card slash waitress for the I have a one more time for Valerie, huh?

I'd hate to be the blind guy in the audience for that one.

That was better than I imagined constantly.

So now it's bucket time, everybody.

We're going to meet one of these young Skank Fest comedians.

Maybe it's someone in the audience.

Maybe it's someone that's been hoping to get on this show for years.

Anything can happen.

We're going to give them 60 seconds and talk to them all together.

Make some noise for Hector Garcia, everybody.

Here we go.

Hector Garcia.

What up?

You got any fans of borderline racism in the house?

Yeah.

I'm Mexican.

I'm on the fence about it.

You know, I could go either way.

I like racism in fun places.

Like, you know, pool.

You guys like pools?

My favorite racist game in the world, guys.

You go up to a pool table, what do you see?

Just the white ball chilling all free.

But the colored balls are all locked up, right?

You got to bail them out.

What happens if you're colored?

You fall off the table.

Back to jail, you go, wait till you post-bond.

But when you're white, you slip through the cracks, you come back at the other end.

white ball privilege bro they put you anywhere on that table you want man line me up over here got a good shot at that red red and yellow motherbook by the rails

half the balls are white right like some kind of still want to see us all in holes people chalking up throwing up white powder like lebron james they make the black ball go last like some kind of final boss you gotta battle like show enough at the end of the movie But what happens?

You accidentally make the black ball.

Everybody out of the water, we can't swim in that shit no more.

Drain it, fill it back up again.

There's not even a Mexican ball.

i think there's an undocumented mexican ball lives inside the pool table comes out at night does all the

why else would it look so nice he's hiding from the white and green ball that's the border patrol ball the 14.

thank you guys

hector garcia

proof that we have no border right now

he wrote this joke like a year ago

welcome Hector how long you been doing stand-up uh about eight eight nine years oh wow where at

Mostly in Phoenix, but I'm from Texas.

Just moved back.

You just moved back to Phoenix?

I was living in Phoenix.

I just moved back to Texas like last month.

Okay, what part of Texas?

West Texas,

way in the oil fields.

El Paso?

Like three hours east of there, Midland Odessa area.

Pecos, Texas, my hometown.

Shut up, Pecos.

It's El Paso.

Yeah.

I like that you stuck with your theme.

There's a moment there where it wasn't going, let's just say, well,

but you kept going and the jokes were good and you were just like, fuck this audience, and they finally came around and they laughed.

So I respected that a lot.

And it's something we all do.

So next time we play pool, we'll remember that bomb.

It is true.

You stayed in the pocket.

You were very comfortable.

Those are the...

Wait, what?

Pool in the pocket.

Yeah.

Because of what he was talking about.

Pool pocket.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Okay, all right.

So Hector, what do you do for a living?

I just left my job.

I used to make chips.

What kind of chips?

Not Tostitos.

I made microchips.

You know, we sold it to Tostitos.

They put it in their machines.

Then they make the chips.

You make microchips?

Yeah, I used to.

Okay, what do you do now?

I'm just

free right now.

I'm not working.

Left my job like two months ago because I ran out of paytime off.

Wow.

You're doing stand-ups.

If you had an unemployed Garcia on your Kill Tony bingo card.

All right.

I took a severance.

They gave me a severance.

I'm like, oh yeah, I'll see y'all later.

So you left it with no net just to kind kind of do stand-up?

No, they gave me a good chunk of money to leave to quit.

So I was like, oh yeah.

How much?

Oh,

what?

No, no, I said they wanted to get rid of it.

How much?

I'm curious to know how much.

They gave me like $30,000.

What?

To quit?

Wow.

You must have been a shit employee.

Get the hell out of here.

Yeah, the way you were talking about this severance package, I was picturing maybe the light six figures, but $30,000 is what you're left with.

How much do you have left now?

About $2,000.

When are you going to start looking for a job, Hector?

Here pretty soon, man, probably next month, I think.

Next month?

I got my resume updated already, you know.

Okay.

What does it say on your resume other than making chips, not those Deetos?

I grew up doing tires and tow truck with my dad.

Okay.

Yeah, man of the people.

Yeah.

Yeah.

All right.

Have you ever thought of getting into the coyoteing relatives across the border?

It's tax-free.

That'd be a good way to fill seats at a show, right?

I used to say, put you guys in the El Paso improv for a minute.

Pyote comedy.

So, Hector, you just moved back to the middle of Texas.

Seems like a tough place to do stand-up comedy.

What's your plan with the comedy?

It is, man.

I started there.

When I first started, there was like one mic a week.

I had to drive an hour to get to.

And, like, that's why I moved to Phoenix because there's so many mics over there.

I was like, better opportunity.

But now I've been got my feet under me.

So

moving back.

Hopefully, I get to Austin.

I got a lot of friends out there that I stay with when I go over over there, so we do go over there and hit shows and stuff like that.

Okay.

All right.

You quit your job and then just move to a place that has no comedy.

Yeah.

Things are looking up.

Yeah.

What made you exactly go back there?

Family.

My family's getting old.

My mom's getting old.

Dad's getting old.

I'm over here chasing this comedy thing.

And I don't want them to pass while I'm going on.

Why?

Why?

They're not leaving me no severances.

So, what's your plan?

Just to wait until they die and then move to a better city?

No, just to be back there, man, just to make that my home base.

And like, because I live in RV, so like, I'm pretty mobile, mobile, homeless.

You know, I could live anywhere.

Move back.

What's your love life like?

Newly single, guys.

No kids.

Never married.

Wow, you sound okay.

No kids.

Mexican, no kids.

You look like Wetback Mountain.

all right Hector

and he looks at the job I'm not gonna quit you

unless you give me a little ziverance

I was actually dating a black girl seeing if I could have a baby with her you know a wet black whoa look out I like the confidence of ramping the mic stand after that

there he goes Hector Garcia ladies and gentlemen on to the next one

Thank you, Hector.

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Charlie Sheen is an icon of decadence.

I lit the fuse, and my life turns into everything it wasn't supposed to be.

He's going the distance.

He was the highest-paid TV star of all time.

When it started to change, it was quick.

He kept saying, No, no, no, I'm in the hospital now, but next week I'll be ready for the show.

Now, Charlie's sober.

He's going to tell you the truth.

How do I present this with any class?

I think we're past that, Charlie.

We're past that, yeah.

Somebody call action.

Yeah.

AKA Charlie Sheen, only on Netflix, September 10th.

We're going to keep it moving along.

Make some noise for Peter Angelo.

Peter Angelo is next.

Your next owner of the Orioles

and me.

How's it going?

A little about me.

I'm gay, and that's a surprise to me.

Because I look like I trick gay men to beat them up later.

Oh, my date just looks like a hate crime hostage situation.

I don't know where I fit in because I'm a redneck.

I like doing redneck shit.

I like guns.

I was a personal truck driver, but I don't really fit in with my redneck friends.

I don't mesh with them politically or ideology, but I don't fit in with my gay friends either.

I just fit in my gay friends.

But I don't know what, I don't, what's with me?

Like, I'm pretty sure I was built in a lab by the gay agenda.

Like, for the most part, they're making dudes who could host queer eye and look good on a parade float.

Best I can do is drive the float.

I'll be like, can I wave?

They're like, nah, we tinted the windows.

So I think it was when a scientist in the bowels of a laboratory finally got his experiment right.

He's like, guys, I finally did it.

I made a gay who could infiltrate a neo-Nazi rally.

Then you cut to me at a cross burning.

I'm like, guys, white power, but a mouth is a mouth.

I'm Peter Angelo, guys.

Thank you.

Peter Angelo.

I I was having trouble keeping track of everything.

So are you gay?

Yeah.

You are gay?

Yeah.

Really?

What the fuck, man?

Wait, you're gay and I'm not?

I know.

This is fucking unbelievable.

I don't believe you.

And somehow you would know.

You're like a good referee for that song.

This is like the worst episode of Parent Trap.

Unbelievable.

How long have you been gay for?

Well, some of those songs.

Really?

No, no, let's go.

Really?

You look like Larry the cable gay.

Yeah.

I was going to.

Get him done.

I was going to change my name to Larry Fox the cable guy.

Yeah, that works.

You're top or bottom?

Both.

I would hate to be under that fucking amount of torque.

Yeah, I don't know how my boyfriend does it.

I like the fact that Aaron's like, I'd be delighted to fuck you, but you on top.

You gotta be a lighter gay.

You're not having that.

I'm not a queer.

You're not a starter guy.

You're like, I've been there for a while, gay.

Yeah, work up to me.

Amazing.

Stone Cold Steve Bottom.

Absolutely incredible.

You might be one of the toughest-looking gay men I've ever seen in my life.

This is incredible.

You look like a bear that hunts bears.

What kind of guys do you like attract?

Do you attract guys that are like little cubs or what are they?

I attract a lot of bears, but I like twinks.

I like the small twinks.

excellent.

Looks like we have a new golden ticket winner, ladies and gentlemen.

Love connection.

Oh, yeah.

Uncle Gazer.

That's not bad.

Absolutely incredible.

I love the material.

It's personal and interesting.

I wish I had heard more about your opinions on the game of pool.

Turns out you're the one that loves putting balls in holes.

I sure do.

Sure do.

You ever put your ball in an ass?

No, I gotta try that though.

Yeah, all right.

That's the next step.

Residuals.

Now, how did you come out to your parents?

Were they shocked?

Would you hold them down and say, this is what's going on?

I've got something to tell you.

Taste it, dad.

Taste it.

Why don't you hug me?

Spell my finger.

They were fine with it, but again, I think they were scared of me, so it worked out.

Oh, that's right.

He's either a school shooter or he's going to blow his friends.

We're going to blow his friends.

Either giving the shots or taking them.

Yeah.

Absolutely incredible.

What do you do for a living?

I was a commercial truck driver for years.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Contrast driver.

A gay truck driver.

So now it's comedy, and I am an axe throwing instructor.

An axe throwing instructor.

I teach people to throw axes.

Let me show you how to split something open.

Yeah.

Yeah, let's attack the wood.

Spread those axe cheeks.

Can I fuck you?

Let me axe.

Do you ever hold an axe to a guy's throat as you're plucking it from behind?

Oh, they love that.

That's my favorite thing.

It was a joke question.

Fuck, I'm sorry.

This is my life.

So I'm just getting

a lot of real issues here in my life.

Yeah, go ahead.

No, no, no.

I was just going to ask you about rest areas.

That was actually my next.

That was actually exactly where I was going with it.

Break it down for us.

You know, truck drivers famously have lot lizards and whatnot.

Is there like a lot gizzard or something?

Is there a gay version of it?

Very probably, but like...

Grinder exists.

I don't need to go pick up a prostitute or anything.

On the i5, though, how are you going to find one?

It's always so easy.

Have you opened Grinder?

Try it.

If I opened Grinder here, my phone would explode.

It's nuts.

I don't need to.

A lot of guys,

because I'm straight passing the trucker, they think that's extra hot.

And they're like, oh, fuck me and your truck.

And I'm like, no, I don't really want to do that.

Well, where do you fuck them?

In their ass?

Yeah.

Mine.

Absolutely incredible.

I just can't picture you.

taking it in the ass.

It seems like he's fucking with us for comedic effect.

How many of you want to see a guy fuck him in the the ass right now in this state?

Is there a gay man out there that's willing to fuck this?

This is Skank Fest.

The next bucket bowl just has to take it.

Let's call my boyfriend.

Get him up here.

Is your boyfriend here?

He's not at the festival right now, but he's with me in Vegas.

Yeah, he's a 150-pound Chinese man.

Is it Hans?

Is it Hans Kim?

Wow, where did you meet this guy?

Grinder.

Well, I guess the Grinder is just the answer perhaps.

Does he rub you wrong time?

Every day.

Wow.

So you stopped driving a truck.

Yeah.

Why didn't you want to fuck in the truck?

That seems like it'd be kind of fun.

Yeah, it's just full of dirt and sweat.

Well, clean it.

You gotta smell it later.

That's what an asshole is filled with.

Look.

Red man.

That's a good point.

Red man.

Look, it takes enough work to douche my ass.

I'm not going to do a truck, too.

My goodness.

And so,

I mean, this is just incredible.

You think you're ever going to get gay married?

Yeah.

No?

I don't think so.

It just doesn't interest me.

Yeah.

That's not fun.

Right.

What would you want to do then?

Right.

You're just having fun playing with your ding-dong.

That's your boyfriend's name.

Yeah.

So much fun.

I mean, Peter Angelo, I got to be honest with you, this is one of my favorite interviews in a fucking long time.

This guy's great.

Big Gay Bear.

You got books?

We don't have any joke books with us tonight.

He deserves one.

But I'll tell you what, here's what I will do.

If you win you eventually, make it to Austin, Texas, I will give you an automatic spot on whatever Kill Tony you show up to at the mother show.

You get a minute there.

Peter Angelo, ladies and gentlemen.

Fuck yeah.

All right.

We're gonna do something fun right now before we get back to the bucket.

I'm gonna bring another regular up here.

God damn it, Jesus fucking Christ Almighty.

Mommy, watch Phillip.

What a fucking show this is.

God damn it.

One more time for Valerie Bob.

I mean,

what a fucking, this is unbelievable.

What a great night.

You get tits in your face.

I get a cold brew.

Cold brew, sitting next to an old Jew.

It's not even a full one.

It's pre-open.

It's fucking tired.

It's not even cold.

It's warm.

It's like here.

Give that fucking half a Moa Beverage and let him shut up.

Make some fucking noise for Jim Norton.

He has me crying.

Somehow was just able to make me cry and sweat at the exact same time.

I don't know if you noticed this, but I'm now covered in liquid.

It's not Peter Angelo's semen.

Ladies and gentlemen, gentlemen, another special treat.

This is a super secret, amazing pop-up show.

So it's amazing to me how many of our amazing, built-in star comedians that were able to join us tonight.

This next man is one of the fastest-rising stars in all of comedy.

His only mission left in life is becoming a citizen of the United States of America.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati.

Please do, bitch.

I had to move apartments.

You ever do that, sir?

Cool.

I had to move apartments because the last apartment I got, it was on the 32nd floor.

It was one of those high-rises with one of those balconies.

And let me tell you, my mental health

is not

at a position

where I can have an immediate solution

to all of my problems

dude I couldn't even chill because I would just get high and look at my balcony like do it pussy

I've never thought about killing myself but I have romanticized it

I would love to kill myself over something minute

Like my girl gets back and she's like you got the wrong coffee beans again and I'm like ha ha

Like, I have a friend right now, he's trying to leave his girlfriend, and his girlfriend did the classic emo thing where she goes, you know, if you're gonna leave me, I'm gonna kill myself.

And I never understood how is that a threat?

Like,

I don't like you, bitch,

And now you kill yourself?

Sounds perfect.

Thank you very much.

Absolutely unbelievable.

Yet again, another brand new minute from the all-powerful Estonian assassin, Ari Matty.

Thank you, my angel Tony.

I mean, absolutely fucking incredible.

I'm going to be honest with you, I missed the first 25 seconds because

I don't know why, but I even wrote it down.

You got tits in your face.

I got a cold brew.

I don't know why.

That is the funniest thing I've heard in weeks, but it's killing me.

And I wrote it down to get it out of my system because I couldn't hear or think about anything else while wiping tears away.

Thank you, Jim Norton, for ruining my moment.

You got tits in your face.

I got, pause,

a cold brew.

Thank you, Tori.

Oh my God.

Ari Matty, brand new Vegas shirt, clearly fresh out of the box.

Yes, the lion.

I know.

I know.

Steamer is already roasting me in the green room, dog.

A golden shirt that's not ironed.

What an oxymoron.

I get it, dude.

Fuck.

Estonia, famous for their saunas, not so much for their steamers, obviously.

I tried to.

Okay, I fucking.

Stop laughing.

I tried to iron it, but it's made of plastic.

It started melting.

Dude, I almost burned down the golden nugget.

So I can't fucking iron it, Tony.

You know, unlike Estonia, we don't have rolling blackouts, so you can just steam it in the shower with hot water.

It'll never run out.

Wow, okay.

I've never thought about that.

American temperature.

Jewish solutions.

And also,

you can use the shower for free.

The hot water in the shower creates steam, therefore you don't need to rent or buy a steamer.

The steam doesn't cost anything, he says.

I actually don't care for that at all.

Ari, how are you enjoying Vegas?

Tell us about.

Oh my god, I highly recommend the golden nugget.

What a piece of shit.

It's the best.

Dude, it's the best.

It's got that fucking smoke in the walls.

Makes me want to get a wife and hit her.

You know what I'm saying?

Trust me, so does staying at the circa.

Is this your first time in Vegas?

Yeah, first time.

Wow.

I played my first gamble yesterday.

I gamble.

Do you ever do that?

Yes, I'm aware of condoms.

I lost all of it.

What did you play?

Black and Jack.

Wow.

Yes, it was a big,

it was a lady with a big twitch, and I just kept giving her money.

And then I think they bent the rules there and they tried to fuck me.

Oh, shit.

And then I saw a fist fight in the pool today.

Ooh.

In the pool?

Yes, the golden nugget has a pool.

Oh.

Sure, that wasn't Peter and his boyfriend?

That wasn't a fight.

Who won the fight in the pool?

Yeah.

The security did.

But it is funny when two guys are starting to fight in the pool because you know they have to like just look at

like talking shit, going at each other

so slow.

How close were you to this fight?

Very close.

Can you hear?

You could hear what it was about?

I heard fuck you.

No, fuck you.

Oh.

Well written by the people.

And it's funny when that sort of stuff starts happening, how the men will, you know, clear the way, but women are always in the way of punches and kicks too.

No spatial awareness, just bitches with cut tests.

Vegas!

Yeah.

It's all Vegas, too.

Pay attention to your surroundings, bitch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No doubt about it.

Have you really romanticized killing yourself?

Are you just kidding?

No, no, no.

I'm not concerned.

I'm just curious.

You're not concerned?

No, no, no.

You seem fine.

No, but it is

an easy way out.

I always feel good.

If I feel stressed about my set, I'm like, I can just do it.

No one can.

You can instant kill Tony Hall of Fame?

That's no doubt about it.

That fucking in memoriam video would kick ass.

Or if I jump off something and make it, come back, rap, rap, rap, rap, rap.

I

get it.

No doubt about it.

Positive push.

It would be wild to make you an American citizen post-pol life.

Yeah, it's more to be.

Posthumously.

Yeah.

Both good words.

Yeah, all good words.

Post-life is awesome.

How are you liking America?

What's going on with this green card?

It's fucking annoying.

I know I have a temporary work visa, but I think we can hook it up, you know.

There was a woman that proposed to you.

The audience is not, I don't think there might, so perhaps I should let people know that at the top of your screen.

She's Estonia, dude.

I know this girl.

You found an Estonia?

Yeah, she's Estonia, literally.

What are we going to do with two useless passports?

Oh,

she's American City.

I mean, what?

I did it for men.

What would you do to Ari Matty if he said yes?

Would you really marry him?

Yes.

Would you suck his dick until it comes in your mouth?

I'm so Estonian.

These are Estonian angels.

Don't talk to them like that.

Okay, I apologize.

These are not American women.

They will steal your stuff.

Wow, she just threw an actual ring at Ari Matty.

Oh my goodness.

That's law.

Look at this shit, huh?

Is this what is your did your husband give you this?

Ah, okay.

See, this is how we do.

We scam our way to citizenship.

Absolutely.

She's very attractive.

Sorry, what?

Very beautiful.

Yeah, they're all banger.

Look.

You like Estonian women, right?

I love them.

So what's stopping you from being with with this beautiful woman that just threw a ring at you?

What about?

That's a pretty good sign.

Okay, I said yes.

There you go, ladies and gentlemen.

I know Maddie's getting married.

Wow.

Ari's got his great card.

That is Ticks up.

Uh anything else we should know, Ari?

Uh no, not right now.

I'm hoping better luck at the casino today, you know.

Are you able to work in America?

Yes.

You can?

I am.

Okay, great.

Yes, totally legal.

I mean, stand-up.

Can you get tech jobs and stuff?

Absolutely.

Okay, nice.

How am I promoting my own shows then?

Yeah.

Ari's doing great stuff.

Theater's all around.

The killers of Keltoni, his own gigs, a ton of stuff.

Yes, it's going really good.

Everybody's very supportive.

Okay, this is...

It's great.

This interview is taking turn.

Why don't we bring up Jim Norton's bit again?

Get this crowd back on board.

I didn't hear you, but I agree with it.

You're killing it, Ari.

Great.

Let's go up.

Another new set.

Ari Maggie.

Enjoy the rest of the show, baby.

And it goes on and on.

Your next bucket pulls, ladies and gentlemen.

We're going to...

I'm sorry, one second.

This is the wrong flavor.

If I could get another flavor,

Valerie, if there's any chance I get a different flavor of white cloth.

What flavor would you like?

Just

another flavor.

I'll tell you if it's right after I get it.

You have no request of another flavor?

Some of them like a watermelon.

No, no, no.

Get the fuck out of here.

Jesus Christ.

Oh, God.

Almost forgot where we were until this fucking bum genie came out of a fucking...

Jesus Christ.

Welcome to Skank Fest.

Can I have the one call?

It's fucking kidding, you retard.

Jesus.

He was waiting for it, too.

Oh, my God.

Some of these people literally spend like half of their net worth to come to Skankfest for three days.

Wow.

So much.

I mean,

Jesus fucking Christ.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yeah, that's right.

I'm finally realizing why Ari only shaved half of his face.

That is the, let me rub my head between your tenth side of his face.

Can we get another cold brew for Jimmy?

I'm thirsty too, guys.

Did you piss in a glass and throw it on me?

I'm talking to you, Ari.

It's the other night we're unfolds.

Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pulls 60 seconds uninterrupted.

Could be the next star, could be the worst set of the night.

Anything could happen.

Make some noise for Connor Loffrin, everybody.

Here we go.

Woo!

They didn't tell me there were going to be boobs backstage.

That's not fair.

We'll try this anyway.

I recently got an Amber alert on my phone while I was watching porn.

Can't have those moments back.

You ever get post-nut clarity, pre-nut?

Reality came rushing in real quick, I tell you.

I was getting into it.

I was watching the video.

All of a sudden, that alarm goes up.

I was like, oh my God.

I guess they're looking for you.

uh

right on

sick of these woke movies guys I tell you I'm sick of them they're getting into superhero movies now even those are woke Aunt Man what's next Uncle Lady guys

All right

Good enough.

I'm calling it.

Thank you.

All right.

Connor Laughran.

Welcome, Connor.

Hey, buddy.

You were just on the show a couple weeks ago in Austin.

It got me here.

It's happening.

It's amazing.

Yep.

Louis J.

Gomez was one of the panelists, and he invited you here to SkankFest.

And here you are.

Yeah, buddy.

Real time.

It's all happening.

Very funny writing.

I like the writing.

The jokes were good.

I love the fact that you used the breasts.

You came out as your opening line.

You used something.

It was really funny, man.

They were unavoidable back there.

I had to talk about it.

Oh, no, I mean, but you used it on stage.

It was a fucking nuisance.

They are lovely.

It is.

Connor, tell us more about you that we don't know yet.

All right.

We talked about I'm a convicted felon last time.

What would you do?

I was the one.

Drugs, don't worry.

Not one of those bad ones.

It's okay.

It's not that big of a deal to be a felon.

You could still be president of the United States.

Change the game.

Hopefully.

Listen, brother, my hair's not real either.

Let's fucking do this thing.

I love it.

I'm getting after it.

No, it's more about me.

Shit, I've been doing comedy six years in Cincinnati, just moved to Austin, got on your show fucking immediately.

It felt like a bunch of strokes of luck.

It's feeling great.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Yeah.

How's Vegas treating you?

What are you doing for fun here?

I'm so like, I had to book myself.

I mean, I had to...

Pay my own way.

That's fine.

Who gives a fuck?

But I'm at Boulder Station, and it is

the

saddest hub of like down and out werep gambling the rent people that you've ever seen in your life like it's like the people that were getting their heads slammed in the door in the movie casino that's who's at boulder station

wow i like there's a little resentment there too like i'm having a great time the hotel sucks i need to pay my own way glad lewis invited me uh

paid for nothing i don't have enough clout to say all that exactly yes but yes you covered me i appreciate you yeah no that's amazing how much time did you do in jail sorry

Like seven minutes.

Give me stand-up.

What's that?

Sorry.

90 days.

Whoa.

Actually,

let me be clear.

76 days.

I wrote a letter to the judge to get out early.

I was like, hey, my grandpa's dying.

And he was, but seriously.

And so the judge let me out early, gave me early release.

And then for that week, I became the write a letter to the judge guy for the entire cell block.

Because it worked.

He's like, this guy's got some degree of verbiage.

He'll pull it off.

Wow.

There's a movie in that somewhere.

Yeah.

Catch me if you will.

Thank you.

All the black guys are like, can I get all I got too?

Like, no.

It doesn't work that way.

I actually hung out, mostly I hung out with the black guys in jail.

Oh, in prison?

There were black people?

Oh, yeah, there's a ton.

There's a ton.

That's what I hung out with.

There's actually, like, it's a disproportionate amount.

I was like, I don't remember this many outside, but here they are.

Oh, yeah.

Not in the neighborhood that you grew up in.

No, I'm actually from South Hills, Pittsburgh.

I was born a block away from Wiskhaleva, if you can believe that.

You can't.

Okay.

Yeah.

All right.

Sure.

You must have been the yellow he was rapping about.

Yeah.

I went to camp with Biz Markey.

I do cook a good meal.

And yet you say he's just a friend.

Oh, shit.

All right, Connor.

Well, what else is going on?

Anything else we should know about?

What was some of the worst stuff that happened to you in your days in prison?

I mean

my cellmate snored as loud as like three dads.

You know like how loud a dad snores?

It was like three of them.

What did he do to get in jail?

I don't know, snore too loud?

I didn't fucking talk to the guy.

Jail's not like prison.

You don't ask everybody why you're here because it's not rapist.

Nobody's like trying to fucking fuck up a guy because he's in jail for rape.

You're in prison for rape.

But your cellmate, you should probably have talked to him.

I talked to him a little bit.

I didn't listen.

I'm trying to forget this a little bit.

What's your favorite color?

It was me.

All right.

Well, like, he was a snore, also the rape, I guess.

No,

I mostly hung out with the Crips because there was a comedian, a fellow Cincinnati comedian.

His cousin was in the Crips.

And while I was locked up, he goes, You know, Marquise?

I was like, Yeah, I just played spades with those guys all day.

Wow.

Yes.

I worked out.

Yeah, they'll call you gay for doing that.

Fun fact.

There's like a racial hierarchy in jail.

Okay.

What?

Shouts out.

Just champion him, sell blocks.

Connor.

They call you gay for doing what?

Stick with the shit.

They call you gay for hanging out with black dudes.

Like, if you're if you're at a table playing cards with black tooth, they're like, you're definitely getting fucked by those guys.

I'm like, I maybe, if they're cool with it, but uh,

you know,

if you don't write the letter.

Exactly.

All right, Connor.

Well, fun times.

Congratulations.

You got pulled out of the bucket twice in three weeks.

Connor Lauper and everything.

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Your next bucket pool is inside.

It is one of you.

I have been informed that it is one of you.

And it is the one that goes by the name of Sam Adamo, everybody, or Adamo, perhaps.

Is this him here?

Sam?

Come on up, Sam.

Sam Adamo.

Bro, I drive a fucking piece of shit.

It sucks.

I drive a Honda Civic with with 200,000 miles on it from 2009.

It's my favorite thing.

It's the best.

I have this thing of that car I call Civic Superpowers.

I don't give a fuck what happens in that car.

Like I was driving down the street the other day.

There was a guy next to me in a Maybach.

It's a fucking $200,000 car.

He's fucking weaving to avoid potholes.

He's scared.

He's a fucking prisoner.

I'm free like a bird.

Fucking cutting people off.

I'm not even checking my blind spot.

I'm like, you want to do this?

Fucking balls in your court.

You want to to touch me?

This is your call, bro.

You know?

Why is it legal to fuck a 16-year-old because it's above the age of consent?

But you can't see a picture of her after because it's considered childborn.

I didn't write the laws.

It's just, you know, I don't know how much sense it makes.

It's like you could suck on your tits in real life, but if you see them digitally, you're doing five dams.

Who wrote this cock tease?

Thank you.

Sam Adamo.

Hello.

Adamo?

Adamo, yeah.

Adamo.

What ethnicity are you?

Uh, Italian.

Family's Italian.

100% Italian?

Yeah, both sides.

Which is gay to talk about, but it's what it is.

It's not gay.

I was just curious because your eyebrows look Iranian.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yes.

Those things are fleek-esque.

Yeah.

I do that a lot.

You take good care of them.

You gotta suffer to look good, yeah.

Do you color those in?

Yeah, you darken them?

That's a trend right now.

No, people, no, I get them very aggressively waxed.

Skin comes off, it's a whole thing, but it's uh it's a price you pay.

Your accent says pisto San Janeiro, but your eyebrows saying October 7th.

Yeah.

Where are you from, Sam?

Montreal, Canada.

Montreal.

You still live there?

Yes.

I'm from there, born and raised.

Born and raised, still there.

How do you feel about Montreal?

It's kind of weird.

We got French, so it's a weird city.

Like the stand-up scene is kind of, you know, it's split in half.

We don't, you know, to do it in English is a little odd, but it's, yeah, it works.

It's a good feeder city.

Fucking, you know, it's a fun city.

A lot of people come to give it a rip, which is nice, but a lot of tourists, a lot of fucking random French people just come to English shows.

Whoa, whoa.

Shut the fuck.

Get him out of here.

Who was this?

This fucking asshole.

How many years?

Yeah, seriously.

How many years?

This isn't that show, guys.

Old enough to fuck your mother.

You can go to one of the podcasts that don't have a format if you want to yell stuff out.

It's every other podcast.

Anyway.

I like that you seemed a little, at one point, you seemed like you kind of gave up like a little bit of faith.

Like, you seemed like you're like, ah, you felt defeated.

But then you asked a really important question that I've been looking for.

Really answered for it.

Yeah.

I'm asking a hard-hitting question.

And I felt like I would really hope there's a lawyer here that could answer.

It's quite the pivot.

Yeah, but I had no choice.

It wasn't going well, and then we had to double down.

It is what it is.

Yeah, you know, it's

Room of this magnitude is a little different to what I'm used to.

You know, pacing's a little off, but you know, whatever.

I'm happy to be here.

Appreciate it.

What is this piece of shit car that you speak of?

It's a Honda Civic 2009.

What's quality car?

I call it the Batmobile.

No, it's great.

It can take a licking.

It does

whatever it's got to do.

It's still alive.

It's affordable?

Yeah.

It's a Jewish Cadillac.

Exactly.

You roll back the odometer?

Put it on blocks, drive it to reverse for a couple hours.

Amazing.

What do you do for work, Sam?

Drop shipping.

I've been doing stand-up two years, so I just fucking gotta make it work.

Drop shipping?

Drop shipping?

Yes.

What is that?

It's e-commerce.

I sell shit online.

Okay.

He buys a bunch of cheap shit and resells it on Amazon for five times more.

Yep.

Yep, we figured that out.

Mostly

sex toys.

Dildos.

Wow.

Okay, really?

Is that true or you mean trying to be funny?

No, it's the fucking gods.

God honestly.

Explain to us the business model of specializing in dildos.

Yes, and a friend of mine would like to know how do you get shit off one?

Spoiler alert, I'm the friend.

What do you mean?

Another spoiler, it's my shit.

Get him in purple if you want.

It's not that glamorous.

But when you start, there's a real temptation to look up the names of the people looking to buy them.

and just don't do that.

Just don't don't look up the people buying dildos.

It's very demoralizing.

Like, what do you mean?

It's a lot of gay men.

That's not what you'd expect?

It's a lot of gay men in the Bible Belt.

It's a lot of gay men, like, in the South.

I've sold, like, zero in years, like two or three years, to anyone in New York.

Like, no one has any shame there.

It's just all

people in, like, Alabama, Mississippi.

They're buying from a Canadian WAP.

Who's fucking just

pressing the fucking fulfillment button?

Like, you fucking disgust me.

A bunch of big double-headed ones to Jay Trudeau.

I knew that would bomb.

Sam, what do you do for fun?

You seem like the kind of guy that buys bottles at nightclubs.

I fucking hate those guys so much, dude.

No,

I don't drink much.

I played soccer competitively most of my life.

I don't now since kind of starting stand-up.

But

I like to play in the winter on like a recreational team.

Bro, I got got kicked off my team last year, actually.

So I'm without a club right now.

I'm without a team.

Wow.

Why'd you get kicked off?

Because an article was written about me in

a newspaper.com.

Oh,

I have a podcast and I was talking about the indigenous and

the local in Canada, yeah, it's tough.

And the local newspaper.

The local newspaper on the reservation bordering Montreal wrote about it.

They know how to write now?

Yeah, it's great.

It's incredible.

And no, the guys on my team got freaked out.

They kicked me off.

So for fear that it might, you know, it might get us me.

You know?

It'd be a shame if I came out on the number one live podcast in the world, just said what the team name is, and fucking

cover.

Can you tell us what you said about the Indigenous on your podcast?

I told them to put the bottle down.

You know?

I like this version of you.

Crown Royal, you know, it's ruined many a native family where I'm from.

It is what it is, you know.

Yeah, this guy is so much better than a stand-up boy.

Yeah, yeah, this loose version of you that's like I shouldn't, but I'm gonna say it.

I know, bro.

Everyone tells me that.

You're yourself now, you're not like trying to be anything.

I know.

I was sitting down.

I went up cold.

It is what it is, guys.

But no, you're getting warm now, is what you're saying.

Sure, yeah.

Yeah, my dick is growing right now, bro.

That's what it is.

I got my Lululemon underwear on them.

So are your eyebrows?

Yeah, the eyebrow.

Are you coloring those in?

Those aren't natural.

I swear to God, you want to touch it?

You want to rub your fucking face on?

Go ahead, Ari.

Go ahead.

We got to do it now.

Okay.

Whoa, here we go.

It's like Trump's hair.

Damn, it's thick.

It is, right?

It's like something you stop up a hole to not let mice into your apartment.

What's your love life like, Sam?

What's it like for a dildo cellar patcher?

I have a girlfriend.

Her family's very proud of me.

No, I've been dating my girlfriend for six and a half years.

We met in school.

You've been with the same girl for six and a half years?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Does she ever get high on your supply of dildos?

She got one.

She got one.

Yeah.

What color is it?

It's whatever color my skin is.

You made sure of that.

You're not getting a plaque one.

End of story.

It's my dick, Pony.

It's my dick.

You have a great look, too.

You have great facially.

Like, you act as well?

No, no, I've never acted.

There's no money for, there's no money in stand-up in Montreal, currently.

I don't have an agent or anything.

It's not.

Mike Ward makes money.

Pardon?

Mike Ward makes money.

He does, yeah.

He's a good guy.

He's a good guy.

He's really good to us up there.

So do you spend most of your time in Montreal?

You go a lot of other places.

You ended up here because you're a fan of the Skanks?

My buddy's actually on the festival.

He's got a club up there.

I'm a regular at his club, so he just had me come down.

He's signed up.

He's the best.

He's awesome.

So I'm just taking it in, man.

I'm kind of a couple years in, just wanted to take it in.

I'm sure he's glad you're not saying his name.

What's up?

How old are you?

27.

How long have you been on stand-up?

A little over two years.

So this is a pretty big deal for you, right?

It's huge, yeah.

It's fucking massive.

I'm really happy to be here.

I've been to New York a couple times, but I've never been this far west, so it's great to be around

know the festivities

dude I rarely see like potential in someone but this this you is is like if you find this you on stage you'll be great I was just going to say the exact same thing

absolute and it's not because of your time up here it's because there was something in the passion of what you were saying and the way that you were saying it it's not because you were warmed up it's because you felt like it was kind of wrong what you were saying but you wanted to say it because it was wrong when you said it but it's not really wrong because you're in the free speech mecca.

I can imagine why you would be a little bit more scared in Canada where people have gotten in trouble for jokes and can get in trouble, and your prime minister's a giant fucking retard.

He is.

He talked at my school when I was 15, and I was like,

no one's going to buy this.

And fucking eight years later, he was elected.

Wow.

Next thing you know, you're selling dildos to James for John.

You know, but I mean, but I'm like, I talked great.

What are you going to do?

Yeah.

But

no, but

you're right.

Like, it's uh, you know, it's

that's what got me in shit on the podcast, though, when I was talking about the natives.

I wasn't celebrating it.

I'm like, this is an inconvenient thing.

What are you gonna do?

It's fucking, you know,

trying to help you, you know?

It's fucking.

What is your dad and what are your mom and dad doing?

Like, what are they like?

They have pasta every pasta every Sunday.

Yeah, yeah, we, yeah, we would do that mostly.

And your dad's super Italian.

What does he do?

Works in the leather shoe business or something?

He sells backhands at home

no no he does and he's uh he he's uh he's educated he's not a fucking retard like most Italian what does he do

he's uh like me yeah

over here what does he do Sam he's uh he he works in uh marketing he's just he's got a job and moms stay at home no no just also white collar what does she do insurance okay geez

yeah

there's a lot of questions Tony isn't your mom Italian what you're doing Jesus Christ all right all right I'm not gonna no one's ratting your family out.

Make some noise for him to kill Tony debut of Sam Adamo, ladies and gentlemen.

Wild times out here.

Skankfest was real.

Somebody would be in a seat right now.

What?

If Skankfest was real, somebody would have just taken a seat.

If Skankfest was real...

Somebody would have stolen his seat while he was up here.

Yeah.

Can I have a water for you?

Someone may have.

They have very tiny waters.

Yeah.

All right.

Can I have a water?

Okay, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Chuli Joy.

Chuli Joy.

Hey, what's up?

So I recently hit one year clean and sober.

And it's pretty tough looking like this because no one believes me.

The other day this guy came up to me and he told me that I reminded him of that cool turtle from Finding Nemo.

Honestly, that wasn't the first time I've heard that.

Then this other guy comes up to me and tells me that I look like if ketamine was a person.

I thought that was pretty accurate.

I get it though.

I look fried.

I look like if Cheech fucked Chong and had a baby.

Got time for one more?

Alright, guys.

What do you call a gay dude that doesn't get sensitive?

A cool ass dude.

What do you call a lesbian that doesn't get sensitive?

A cool ass chick.

What do you call a non-binary person that doesn't get sensitive?

Chuli, Joy.

Welcome, welcome, Chuli.

Went a little over your time there.

It's okay.

We were so close.

Hi, Chuli.

Am I saying that right, Chuli?

Yeah, you got it.

Hell yeah.

So your entire identity is what you look like.

Kind of, yeah.

It's what it seems like from your minute.

Yeah.

So let's talk about it.

How long have you been doing stand-up?

Like four months.

Okay, where do you do that at?

I started in LA at Fourth Wall in Hollywood.

You know that place?

Nope.

Yeah.

You guys don't know?

No.

LA.

Not the Fourth Wall.

You know LA?

I do know LA.

Oh, cool.

Yeah, I'm taking a meeting.

This is incredible.

You definitely do have a look to you.

Have you always had that type of charisma, hair, everything?

Yeah, for sure.

Yeah.

Awesome.

Do you surf?

I don't really surf.

Skateboard?

I like writing longboards.

Okay.

Did you ever do shots, shots, shots, shot, shots, shots, shots, shots?

I made a joke about this last night out of the mic.

I've been hearing that like all day, every day, and I haven't heard it at all

since I'm in Miami bitch came out because I'm from Florida and like it was crazy.

Wait, is that the sexy and I know it guy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's him.

Every day I'm chuckling.

Okay.

I like the stuff you said about yourself.

The Chichen Chang joke.

The first two you had about your appearance were good.

Yeah.

And the joke jokes, like, we do that like when we first start just to fill the time.

But you should concentrate more on your own stuff because you're very interesting looking and you have an interesting point of of view.

Ketamine was a great line.

Ketamine.

I got a question for you.

What do you call a non-sensitive, non-binary person?

They cool.

Oh, good.

Wow.

The bear, the bear punched up your joke.

Chuli, what exactly do you do for a living?

So I have a house in Florida that I own and I rent it.

So

you're homeless?

I'm more or less like nomadic.

But I've been living in LA LA for the last like six or seven months.

Where do you live in LA?

I live in Santa Clarita at my friend's house.

On his couch?

I have a room.

Yeah.

Is it the living room?

No, it's actually the...

I can't picture you having your own enclosure.

Of all the things you look like,

you look like a guy that doesn't have his own bedroom.

Well,

believe it or not, I do.

Well, this belongs in Ripley's, because I do not believe it.

You have a room that has a door.

I do.

You close it and you lock.

No way.

Yes, dude.

Is it a real lock, or do you do it with your imagination?

Dude.

Okay.

For real.

What do you do during the day when you're not at the gym working on your calves?

It's a twig, eh?

Oh, my God.

Wow.

Oh my god.

It's good, you know.

How do you even stand on those?

What holds you up?

You little puppet leg.

Thank God the air conditioning's off or you'd get blown over.

Those are the most realistic looking prosthetic legs I've ever seen.

You got the hair and everything.

They put hair on them now.

God bless us, all of us.

My goodness, this guy.

No size change between the calves and the thighs whatsoever.

It's gonna be incredible.

It's a very lake-driven episode of Kiltoni.

We're getting to see a lot of people in shorts for the first time.

Skankfest, famous for their short-wearing comedians.

You come to this festival often?

This is my first time.

I honestly came out here to sign up for Kiltoni on Wednesday.

How did you know?

I didn't even know.

Well, we had a sold-out giant massive show on Wednesday.

That's a good way to get the word out.

So you signed up on Wednesday

and you just stuck around.

Yeah, somebody told me about an open mic last night, so I just went there and then

I went to the open mic last night and then

you know what I'm out here.

I want to do comedy.

Like I'm just going to go to Skank Fest and then I just found myself in the line for the Secret Show.

For you.

Yeah.

It's a wonderful skank.

Yeah.

So this is technically my third time signing up for Kiltoni because I was in Austin like a week and a half ago.

So I was just like, damn, third time's a charm, I guess.

Yeah, there you go.

Look at you.

Well, that really makes you think what you just said.

It's amazing.

Have you ever had a concussion?

Yeah.

Do you remember how you got the concussion?

Well, I'm curious because he's wearing one of those new pads that they put over the football helmets on top of his head.

Yeah, you know, it's like being tall, you run into shit a lot, you know?

I do know and I don't know what you're talking about.

I've been tall my whole life.

Yeah, but you also don't have that much hair, bro.

No offense.

Like, I got like hair in my eyes.

So, like, I'll bump into shit.

You know that that's a decision that you make having hair like that, right?

I like my hair.

I actually cut my hair like a year ago, and I didn't like it that much.

Like, I like the curls.

You like it like that?

Yes.

Even though you're massively concussed and blaming it on the hair that gets into your eyes,

suffering, you'd rather massively.

I would.

You got a concussion just walking into shit?

No, you said the hair though, but if you hit your hair against the wall, that doesn't give you a concussion.

Dude, if you're so the last time I feel like I got a concussion, right?

I was in my friend's warehouse, and he has like this,

it's like a two-story, short-ass little thing, and I was going underneath, and I thought the fucking

garage door thing was open, and I went

and I hit the top right there

that shit hurt so bad

Red Bad solid job there.

You know,

I was right on it Redbad.

That was underrated Redben.

How was I supposed to know?

Yeah.

Yeah.

I mean,

I'm legitimately jealous of your hair.

I'm supposed to be negative about stuff, but

no, you should.

Absolutely incredible.

What's your love life like?

You seem like the kind of guy that would fuck everybody's girlfriends.

You're living under a muff.

Well,

I do have a special person in my life.

Are you fucking a retard?

No.

But like a month and a half ago, I asked her for a break because my life has been...

The only thing that's going well right now, I would say, is comedy.

But everything else has been.

Ah,

sure.

I'd say that.

I'm sorry.

Sorry.

You're doing great.

You're doing great.

I apologize.

So what was too stressful that you couldn't handle it?

Honestly, it was was just like she's like amazing.

You know what I mean?

And I was just like,

my life was just

like

going crazy, to be honest.

Like, I was like having mental breakdowns.

My living situation sucked.

Like,

I thought people were my friends, and they were kind of like dicking me over, and I was like, going down, and I was just like, I don't know where I'm going to be.

Were you on drugs?

No, I've been sober for over a year now.

But what were you on before the soberness?

Weed and cocaine mostly.

Why'd you get sober?

What made you decide to like I'm glad you asked that.

Thank you.

Thank you.

I got sober.

Thank you.

Jews are great questions.

I got sober because I was doing shitty drugs with shitty people and having shitty experiences.

How do you think they felt?

You were their bottom.

They're like, dude, I did cocaine until 8 a.m.

with a weeping willow last night.

I got chia regrets.

Wow.

Were you sober when you hit your head or were you drinking?

No, I was sober the last time, like that time I talked about.

The house in Florida that you rent out for your entire living,

did you inherit that from a dead grandparent?

I did.

Yeah.

Right.

How long ago did that happen?

That my grandfather passed away.

Or that I got...

He died when I was...

I would say like 17 years ago.

And you got the house how long ago?

Over COVID.

And how much do you get a month from that?

1800.

Okay.

Yeah.

Why was there such a gap between when he died and they gave you the house?

Are they holding anyone else?

Is this what happened?

This is what happened.

So

my mom bought the house, or my dad, sorry, my grandfather bought the house, but also put my grandmother's name and my mom's name.

So it was like once they passed away, it was in my mom's name, and then COVID happened.

We're going to go to our senior real estate correspondent, Ari Shafir, on that.

Okay, so what you got to do is diversify, first of all.

That's the most important thing.

You could have sued your mom for neglect.

Yeah, and gotten that house earlier.

You got it.

That's the important thing.

Those are, those are assets.

And instead, all you got from your mother is her hair.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, that's enough of that.

Chuli joy, ladies and gentlemen.

There you go.

Way too long of an interview.

What was Snowy thinking?

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Wait a second.

Wait a second.

Is that...

Hold on a second here.

What the fuck?

Our house drummer Michael Gonzalez, what are you still doing in Vegas?

You were supposed to go home.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the full-time Kill Tony drummer, Michael Gonzalez.

Got him a stick.

I mean, I'm gonna be honest with you, Michael.

I didn't know you were still here.

I don't know what's going on, but something tells me that I can't pass up on an opportunity like this.

I think we should have a fucking Mexican drummer.

Well,

Dave Lacey.

The great Dave Lacey

Wait, right

Nick Liberatory

We're gonna do a little drum solo competition

and

Then we'll get right back to the comedy show, but this is always fun.

These are two of my favorite drummers in the history of comedy Nick famously the drummer of the goddamn comedy jam where we've all performed and had a shit ton of fun and it's a fucking freaking nature Michael Gonzalez I've worked with every single week and all around the world for the last almost four years continuously.

So let's have a look.

What do you guys think?

A little drum solo competition this season?

The little drum solo from the great Nick Liberator.

Wow!

Holy shit!

The great drummer of Elemental T-E-L-E-N-E-N-O-P-Y.

And now, our house drummer, still in Las Vegas, nobody knows how, nobody knows why,

just performed in front of 8,000 people on Wednesday night at the Resorts World Theater.

Making his Skank Fest debut with a little drum solo.

Make some noise for Michael Gonzalez.

Wow!

Geez!

I think we all won here tonight.

How many of you have

Nick Liberatori winning that one?

How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning that one?

Well, you know what that means.

We'll see you back in Austin on Monday.

You're still the drummer.

Still the drummer of the show.

Wow.

How about one more time for Nick, though, fucking stepping in?

We're going to go with one of our regulars, I do believe, ladies and gentlemen.

I hope he's ready.

I've not been able to warn the crew, but this should be and hopefully is a brand new minute from one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show.

Another absolute fucking shooting star.

This is a brand new minute aka or a riff session if you will from the great and powerful Cam Patterson ladies

my little sister just came out and told my dad that she was gay it worked it's on all right we got it back we're going all right My sister just told my dad that she was gay.

And my dad is not progressive.

My dad is 64 years old.

So he don't, he got a brother that's been gay his whole life.

He's 57.

My dad just goes, he's not gay.

He's just confused.

That's what he's been saying the whole time.

And my sister came out and told me, hey, dad, I'm going to tell you that I like girls.

And my dad went, hey, I'm going to tell you something.

You've been my daughter for 18 years.

I love you.

I'm always going to love you.

And it doesn't change anything I feel about you.

But you're going to hell.

And my sister said, well, see you in hell then, nigga.

And then my dad said, I'm not going to be on the gay side of hell I'll tell you that much

as if hell had two sides

I wonder if Hitler went to heaven

what if he did

the Jew did kill his son

okay that's it

I didn't have it yet exactly One minute from Cam Patterson.

Fucking nothing, dog.

I don't know how to, this is what's up.

You're fantastic.

That was terrible.

I'm going to kill myself.

I told Cam that we were doing a pop-up Kill Tony literally about three hours ago.

I'm mad as fuck.

I'm not happy at all.

Who are these niggas?

I'm mad as fuck right now.

Or I haven't got a fucking head.

I'm mad as fuck.

Don't you?

Fuck you.

I'm mad.

We love you, Cam.

I'm angry, nigga.

Everybody loves you.

I've never seen you sweaty.

Sweaty.

That was fucking terrible, dog.

I like to be decent at comedy sometimes.

I'm going to fucking blow my fucking brains out.

I'm not watching this.

I'm bad.

You are soaking wet right now.

I've never seen you swim before, but I'd imagine this is how wet you would be.

This is how wet you would be if you could swim.

You look like me waiting for my HIV results.

Cam is wearing his free Kill Tony shirt, by the way.

Hell yeah.

Brandon, nigga, what's up with you?

Hell yeah.

I love being called that by you.

It's always wonderful.

Can I get a napkin?

Somebody give me a napkin alone, please.

What?

I just wanted to wipe my face.

I ain't sweating like a motherfucker.

Use my shirt?

No, I'm okay.

Okay.

Cam, how are you enjoying Vegas?

It's all right.

I've been to the strip club two nights in a row.

I've been making them do push-ups in my section.

You make the strippers do push-ups?

Yeah, bitch, earn the money.

Yes.

Wow.

I've never heard of anything quite that diabolical before.

It's pretty funny.

How many?

I like it a lot.

How many can they do?

Not a lot.

Not that many.

And they can't do like girl push-ups, like real nigga push-ups.

You know what I'm saying?

And

if you do more than 10, I'll give you 100 right there.

Wow.

But they never get more than 10, Tony.

They never do.

And it's always beautiful to see.

Absolutely.

You get to eight, you just throw them some rocks.

No, I throw pennies on them when they do three.

Who wears those pennies now?

Huh?

Hell yeah.

Wow, push-ups, huh?

Anything else?

Do you make them do sit-ups or any?

Are there any other challenges?

Nah, they always be like, I can do squats.

No, bitch.

Push-ups.

Right.

Push-ups.

They're all working on that ass.

But strippers have a weak upper body.

Horrible upper body.

Well, no, not really.

Not really.

Because they got to climb a pole and shit.

So they should be good at it.

They should be.

What's the most they've done?

One bitch did 50.

50?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And that's me.

She scared me.

That she scared me.

I gave her, I think I gave her like $150.

I gave her $150 for that.

Hell yeah.

I'm a good person, man.

I'm supporting the whores.

You know what I'm saying?

That's great.

Having a good time, man.

Hell yeah.

Yeah.

Absolutely.

That minute fucking sucked.

I'm going to kill myself.

No.

No, you're not.

No, it was actually kind of interesting.

It was stuff about the idea of heaven or hell.

Nah, I mean, yeah, it's going to be something one day.

Yeah, it will be.

And I had talked about it in the interview and shit.

I'm mad.

I loved that minute.

I absolutely loved it.

You're at Skank Fest.

They're not used to seeing.

I'm going to give it a link.

these people aren't used to seeing or trying to decipher black people talking.

So what you think may have been a failure really wasn't.

You had the white people in the room that are used to black people laughing.

There you are.

All 14 of them are.

All 12.

Yep, that was great.

The family stuff was funny about your fucking sister being, yeah, no, but it's got potential.

It's going to be a minute.

It's disgusting what she's doing, but like...

Yeah, oh she's going to hell.

Your father's right.

100%.

How old is this sister?

She's 18.

18.

Wow.

Do you think she's really a lesbian?

Oh, no.

You think she's faking it?

No, she lies.

She probably.

I mean, I met all her boyfriends.

They all scared me.

Yeah.

Yeah.

She's in the public school system at 18.

So.

No, she's in college.

Okay, now she's in college.

Yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

But yeah,

she thought she was a lesbian while in the public school system is when she figured that out.

Yeah, probably.

Right.

Has she ever brought any of you ever seen her with a girl?

No.

She just told your dad she's a lesbian?

She liked to play jokes on him.

I think so.

You think she's joking.

You're hoping she's joking.

I know she's joking.

Wow.

Probably not, though.

Who knows?

You're just like your dad.

You think she's confused.

She is.

Why are you gay?

Why are you gay?

Confused?

They're going to hell.

Do you know your dad's brother?

You said it's gay?

Yeah, he's gay.

Do you know him?

Yeah.

You do.

You You know your dad's brother and your dad?

Is he?

Yeah.

Kenny Patterson is there.

Stand up.

Stand up.

Stand up.

Stand up.

Where is he?

Stand up.

Where the fuck's Kenny?

Oh, my God.

There he is.

Kenny Rules.

There he is.

Kenny Rules.

Wow.

Let me ask.

Yeah.

Is your brother gay?

Oh, is that your dad?

That's my dad.

I'm sorry, I thought you were the gay brother.

Oh, shit.

I'm going to show him no ass.

Why would you do that?

That's going to make him more gay.

He's going along with it.

He's going along with it.

He's doing the right thing.

Kenny Patterson's the man.

He was also, of course, at the theater on Wednesday night backstage.

And indeed, we had another, I had a 15-minute row session on his feet.

They are the most frightening feet you've ever seen in your life.

If you really want to see the true stars of Skank Fest, now that you have identified Kenny Patterson, glance at his feet.

Try to get close to him later on in the night.

Catch a fucking glimpse.

It looks like literally he walked through a volcano to get here.

Unbelievable.

You don't know where the ash and

the, I mean, it is unbelievable.

I don't know when exactly they're going to get amputated, but

it won't be much longer.

My guess is February, because those feet are about to be black history.

Athletes feet

Cam we're all family I you know you gotta all these sets you are doing something that is just absolutely inconceivable Let me remind you guys that you know Cam more than any other regular ever in the show's history that you're used to including one of the newest ones Ari Maddie Cam has been doing it much much less and moved less time by by a half a decade.

And also, Cam just moved to a real comedy city fucking a year or two ago.

Like, I mean, you were stuck out in Florida at Open Mics, where David Jolly was Dave Chappelle.

Fucking, you know, you just raised the bar recently.

So, people are really getting to watch you perform at an extremely high rate.

The fact that you have fucking unbelievable sets that you love 95% of the time is an unbelievable batting average for someone like you.

So, just know that you're a fucking legend and that everyone else isn't as good as you are.

There he goes, Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

Fucking star.

Another person from the inside.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from a brand new comedian out of the bucket, Armando Hernandez.

Everybody.

Oh, my God.

Let's go.

Oh, yes.

Make some fucking noise for Art Mondo.

Hey yay!

This is not fucking let's get this problem.

Yay yay!

Hell yeah.

Hey, giving it for my pal Justin there, man.

The best guide dog that Skank Fest can afford.

You know what I'm saying?

They really pulled out all the stops there, got me a Hopper human.

I tell you, man, let me get a little orientated here.

I don't want to just cling on to this thing like it's my fucking dick and I'm five years old all night.

What, you ain't never seen a blind dude use echolocation before?

You know what I mean?

It's gonna get really awkward when I start trying to touch the judges' faces and do some roasting.

You know what I mean?

I'm gonna be like, uh, who got the Humpty Hump nose?

Or it's gonna be like Rocky Dennis from Fucking Mask.

I'll be like, you're beautiful on the inside

well I tell you what I get often get compared to Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles and I find it to be an inaccurism mainly because there is a blind Latino that's already famous you know Felice Navidad

and you know it's just way more accurate you know what

Ray Charles is pretty accurate I love to do dope and lay the pipe that's my time folks

Armando Hernandez

Hell yeah, Armando.

How does it feel?

You just performed at the sphere.

Well, also, I love the fact that, you know, everybody gave me a standing ovation and the titty girl was over here flashing me, you know.

How do you know?

That's usually how I imagine all this shit going.

How do you know there's a titty girl?

It was mentioned by name a couple times.

Also, isn't it unfair?

Have her, like, let me, we can do a little squeeze and say, how do you do to one another?

That could be arranged, right?

I mean, Jesus Christ, it's only fair.

If you're blind, do you feel a bomb more than

people?

What did you feel?

You feel it four senses extra strong.

I thought it was going, it was a little bit of a rough set, but you really brought it home with the Jose Feliciano reference at the end.

I thought that was great.

Yeah it was a rough it was it was a rough set but enough about your eyes.

So Armando what's up were you born blind?

No two head trauma accidents occurring throughout my childhood resulting in detached retinas.

I'm just lucky I guess God decided to hit me with the three stooges.

Boink.

Okay, let's go back to the head injuries.

What exactly happened?

A trampoline accident?

Were you just rocking really hard?

Oh yeah.

Did you have a really, really, really, really, really big haircut before and you couldn't see and you were running into things?

You know, just doing all them things that get your head rocked, you know.

I don't know.

What specifically would you like to know about it?

One was a football accident.

Yeah.

And one was at a water slide park.

At a water slide park?

Yeah.

You hurt your head?

You attached a retina?

Buddy, you gotta give us more information than that.

So did you?

It's a now-defunct organization.

There's no litigation, Ari.

Hold on, hold on.

Armando, no jokes at this point.

We're trying to figure out the real deal here.

Oh, I was just with some, you know, kind of grimy cousins from the Bay Area, and we was running away from the security because it got up to no good in the water slide park, and I slipped, fell, hit the back of my head, and had to get up and keep running with these fucking, you know what I mean, punk teenager cousins of mine.

So let me ask you this.

You had the football accident first, right?

Yes.

And did one retina detach then?

Yes, and that took about a year or two to, you know, get over the hump.

And then the same shit happened fucking when I was 12.

Did you find out or something that you have like a genetic retina problem or is this just an absolute insane coincidence?

Yeah, the Stanford doctors wanted to make me a guinea pig fucking exam monkey with that same thing in mind.

It was kind of like, can we prove a genetic linkage to being predisposed?

And I did have somebody in my family have such a detached retina and fucked up eyes that his eyeball actually like came out of his shit because of loss of pressure and shit.

So wait, you're saying that the Stanford doctors wanted to study you and you said it like you said no, correct?

No, it's just, it was weird and they, you know, were unable to kind of get any direct linkage.

So I was able to get a bunch of surgeries kind of like done by people who would otherwise not have interest.

So they tried.

You know what I I mean?

God bless them, but here I am.

You know what I mean?

Can you see shapes or anything?

No, I have some light sensitivity in the right eye still, so if you like held up a fucking exam,

you know what I mean?

I might shy away like Noseferatu or something.

Like a flashlight, if we put it right up to your eye, you would see it.

Yeah.

Yeah, it sucks because I can't see headlights till it's way too fucking late.

And if you got hit by a car, I mean,

that would be insane because.

Well,

I'll tell you Tony, I have been hit by cars, but those are head injuries for another day.

Wow.

Absolutely incredible.

Armando, you did it.

You got pulled out of the bucket.

The stairway is right to your right.

Go right ahead.

Run off.

Armando Hernandez.

Wow.

Welcome to Skank Fest, ladies and gentlemen, where

detached retinas are a real thing.

We have a special treat for you right now before we get back to the bucket.

A Killtony legend coming hot off of a set in Madison Square Garden.

Make some noise for a new minute or so from the great dark, dark, dark night of late night comedy.

Anything can happen.

Making his return.

This is the great Brian Holtzman, ladies and gentlemen.

You think the blind guy's tripping over himself behind stage?

I just want to be on a kill Tony where everybody's healthy.

Why does it always have to be some kind of hair?

I like my friends to be healthy.

That's all.

I never go anywhere without my baby oil.

Room number.

P.

Diddy, you know, and

in case you're traveling on the plane, you always want to have a small size as well.

P.

Diddy, I mean, do you have to fuck everyone?

We all have dildos in the house, but not 1,300.

Your wife's sister comes over?

Can I put this dildo in your ass?

You know how hard it is to get your luggage back and the plane crash you survive?

I was in first class.

Everybody was killed.

I want my fucking bag back.

It was a blue bag with a white stripe and I want my motherfucking bag back.

I don't care.

I want my goddamn bag back.

Why do women work out in the gym?

I want a girlfriend that can snap my my neck.

Oh, yeah, that's what I want.

I want a girlfriend who can snap my fucking neck.

Get the fuck out of the gym.

If you come back, I'm going to rape you.

I'm not going to rape anybody.

I don't even have a knife.

I noticed it's killed Tony, so I have to make sure I don't repeat myself, or you'll never see me fucking again.

Raise your hand if you're handicapped.

Do you have to keep parking in a handicapped spot even when it's late at night?

No, Penny, I don't go to rich people's homes.

You don't go to rich people's homes.

I was at a party in the Hollywood Hills once and they had a woman taking a poo on the bottom of a glass coffee table.

I wanted to fit in, so I...

I got under there, and I found it quite rewarding.

There was a fat chick stealing Heineken's out of the refrigerator.

They tied it to a straight-back chair and tortured her.

Everybody lined up and took turns telling her fat jokes.

Oh, one person thought that was funny.

Somebody who likes fat chicks, I get.

No, you've been a great audience, and I'm wearing this tonight because

I got a job at Benny Hanna.

Do I get interviewed or do I just leave?

What do you want?

Yeah, we can do anything.

How you feeling?

I feel like

I feel like I always feel out of place and fucking fucked up in the head.

Make some fucking noise for Brian Holtzman.

How you enjoying?

All right.

There goes one more time for Brian Holtzman, everybody.

The great Valerie Vaughn.

Getting us drinks tonight.

Absolutely stunning.

Let's have one more special treat.

Come up and say hello real quick.

I know for a fact that

this guy just arrived.

Just popped in to Las Vegas, Nevada.

And it just so happens to be not only one of my favorite comedians of all time, not only one of my mentors, not only one of my true best friends,

but also the creator and one of the obvious main stars of the roast of Tom Brady.

Ladies and gentlemen, popping in to say hello, real quick, the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross.

Hi guys.

What's up, John?

Keep it going for the availables.

Jesus Christ.

Man.

Ari, you look half great.

Tap.

This is great.

You look half Jim Norton, half.

I don't know what the fuck happened.

Me,

how do I look?

Terrible, dude, like always.

I look like Bruce Willis if his trainer also had dementia.

I look like Vin Diesel if he were neither fast nor furious.

But we're not here to roast me.

We're here to say hi.

This is fun.

I love that you just popped in out of nowhere.

I didn't know you were doing a pop-up, and when I heard, I rushed out of the burrito place out of that.

I came down.

I had to see what hat Red Band was wearing.

Yeah, his best 7-Eleven shirt.

So good to see you, Jeff.

This is exciting.

How was Vegas this week?

How was the big arena show?

It was crazy.

It was exhausting.

It's been a wild, wild trip.

And fucking, Vegas has the best of me right now, but we're fucking happy.

I tried to get a hotel room in New York, New York, but it was sold out, so I'm staying at Newark, Newark.

Jeff, I haven't seen you since the garden, since I heard you were allowed back.

Oh, don't allow me back.

You're the one who got kicked out.

Yeah.

This is disappointing news.

It's just sinking in right now.

Ari pulled out a giant.

I'd love the Liberty.

Can I not go see them?

Did anybody see Ari pull out a giant dick, fake dick, at the garden?

MSG, kill Tony, make stand-up great again.

Yeah, it was unbelievable.

It was a great night.

You had a drop-the-mic performance.

It was so fucking cool.

Unlike tonight where I'm just fucking sweating my fucking one testicle off.

Yeah.

Oh, it's great.

Yeah.

You're just saying hi.

There's no pressure.

I know.

But I didn't expect to be up here.

There is a really good looking crowd.

Sir, can you put your legs together, please?

Your left ball's hanging out the right side.

It's fun.

This is great.

This looks like a fucking refugee camp.

How you doing, sir?

Is everything all right?

It doesn't look it.

It doesn't look

your hardcore fans who come to the pop-up show, Tony.

How many people were at Tony's Arena show the other day?

Oh, wow.

That's more than I thought.

That's amazing.

Incredible.

MSG, when he had Joe Biden and Donald Trump at the same time.

Yeah.

Donald Trump's coming back for real.

I heard he has an assassination scheduled for Thursday.

He's going to do assassination attempts in all the swing states before the election.

Can I hang out for the next bucket, please?

Yeah, let's grab another chair up here for Jeff Ross.

Thank you, everybody.

Oh, yeah, baby.

I love this so much.

Kill Tony for life.

I fucking love it.

And by the way, one last thing, Tony.

Yeah.

Your fans, for whatever reason, they all know about Brody.

I saw a lot of Brody shirts walking.

Brody Stevens fans?

No, the great.

The great.

You got another mic or no?

Yeah,

we got one.

All right, scoot down here.

People know me.

Whoa, People know me.

It's okay.

There are a lot of Brody shirts.

A fun fact about Brody t-shirts, I don't know if you guys know this, but you wash them, you dry them, and they hang themselves.

Positive push!

So I have...

I told Brody's, I know it's long, but I just, I don't know why I'm in a Brody mood.

You know that, here's Brody's best joke.

You know, he would talk about going to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

You know this one.

And he said there's a nickelback tour jacket at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.

Did you know that?

I did not.

It's in the Lost and Found.

Enjoy it.

Enjoy it.

I don't know.

Shout out to.

Shout out to Brody.

Took the stairway to heaven.

How dare you?

It's true.

Brody, all of our one of our favorite best friends ever.

And yeah.

Comedy's wild, man.

I like it.

Great to be here at this Hurricane Katrina

shelter

it is a vibe you guys still having fun we hanging out we're deep in this show it's been a long show and we have one more special treat for you ladies and gentlemen

one more regular was able to make it here

ladies and gentlemen when you first saw this young man he was living in a van addicted to open mics here with a brand new minute sing it if you know the words this is Hans Kim.

What's up?

Love it here in Vegas.

I don't know what you guys have against Oakland, but I feel bad for them.

You guys took the Raiders, you guys took the A's, you guys even took the crime and homelessness.

There's nothing for black people to do in Oakland anymore.

Vegas is the only place you can tell people you're a magician and they don't immediately think you're a pedophile.

This is like a Hogwarts for douchebags.

Yeah, love the...

Love that the Jews were blowing up those pagers in Lebanon, the Hezbollah pagers.

I didn't realize that terrorists had to have pagers.

What are they?

On call?

Hans, did you get my text?

Yes, I did.

Thank you.

Yeah, I have a very liberal sister.

You know, she's so liberal, she goes to adoption centers and tells the kids that they should have been aborted.

Thank you.

Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen.

That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim.

That was great, Hans.

I could tell you were expecting the Hogwarts for douchebags to get a bigger laugh.

You kind of panicked, but it was great.

You had great local fucking jokes.

You wrote those on this most recent trip, I'm guessing, right?

Yeah.

I'm glad that this came up, because I was going to do it on the other one, but I'm glad that I had the chance.

Thank you.

Yeah.

That's a great story.

You were going to do it on the one on Wednesday?

Yeah, some of them.

The magician one.

I'm glad I didn't do that one there.

It was much bigger than this.

I love Hans.

I love you.

Your jokes are fucking mean.

Most of them are well-written.

I think you're great.

Yeah, I enjoy a good pedophile joke, a fucking racist joke.

Fuck Oakland.

He was just terrific.

Thank you.

Wow.

Trying to rally them for you.

All right, it seems like you have a little something.

It's so fucking bad, dude.

Really?

You have to pee?

I do.

Hold on.

I'm really sorry.

Wait.

Sorry, dude.

I got a piss.

Wait.

Wait, wait.

We get in trouble every time you take your dick out.

This ain't Emma's.

Hold on.

I was kidding about wanting piss thrown on me.

This is desecration of the American flag for so fucking long.

Wait, what is...

What do they have here behind?

What is going on?

Is this a shield of some kind?

What is going on?

Hey, guys.

It's already Shafir.

Habitual line stepper and kill Tony regular really from the beginning.

Honestly, I mean, I was there in the Belly Room days, the main room, Houston, the Vulcan, the Comedy Mothership,

the LA Forum, Madison Square Garden, and now here at the greatest comedy festival in the world, Skank Fest, hosting the greatest live podcast in history, Kill Tony.

And I honored it.

I honored this meeting of great minds in the way that only I can do.

I stepped over a line.

Regrettably, YouTube will not be able to show what I did.

But man, let it be said,

it was wild!

It was the greatest moment in Skank Fest history.

Definitely the most talked about of the year, by far.

I had acidic Jewish friends that found out about it.

On their own, not through me or anybody else, on their own.

It was nuts, you guys.

It was nuts.

But YouTube can't show it.

Honestly,

streamers wouldn't be able to show it.

TV wouldn't be able to show it.

The dark web would have a problem with it.

But honestly, that should be a lesson to you.

You should come to live shows.

Live shows are where the craziest things happen.

And I've been there for some nuts playing stuff that you guys haven't seen.

Stuff that got cut out.

I was there when David Lucas got sick of Tony's comebacks and he just got mad.

I don't know, but he's tried to attack.

We tried to tackle him.

Tony, being a wrestler, but background reverser, pulled a single leg, used David's severe body weight against him, pulled him to the ground, pulled his pants down, and gave him what David later called the greatest butt fucking of his life.

I was there, what other moments?

Oh, I was there when we met Cam Patterson's Patterson's real parents, a white couple that adopted him and raised him from a young boy in a small town outside Boise, Idaho.

Yeah, Cam doesn't talk that way.

That's an affectation he puts on.

He's also into shells, not rocks.

But it's good for the show.

So we had to cut it out.

I was not there for the Diddy episode that I heard about from lots of people and rumors and innuendo.

No one will tell me exactly what happened.

They just go, I don't want to talk about it.

I don't want to talk about it.

Even Tony goes, I don't want to talk about it.

Wow.

Release the episode, Tony.

I want to see that Diddy thing.

The only thing I heard from people was they go, during that Diddy episode, was they go, David Lucas was hungry for it.

What does that mean?

David Lucas was hungry for it.

Damn, I don't know.

Anyway, I want to even tell you what I did, but Redben said I can't.

He said, even if I tell you what happened.

YouTube might demonetize their account.

Redben was visually shaken by this.

That's how great a moment it was.

And what?

Let's give it up for Tony for being able to put on a thing like that.

Man, I stepped over a line.

He set up a line that I can step over.

God, he rules.

Actually, I'm switching allegiances now.

From the Yankees to the greatest franchise, Kill Tony.

God, I want to tell you.

It was an announcement.

It was an announcement that my new tour just went on sale right now.

God, the farewell tour.

I'm doing a short tour and then I'm leaving the country.

Yeah, Atlanta, Seattle, Portland, Vancouver, Alberta, Florida, Pittsburgh, Denver.

And I'm entering in Anchorage, Alaska.

I got Lake Tahoe in there.

A few other places.

Go to Arieshafir.com right now for tickets.

Reasonably priced, I'd say 50 tickets at 20 bucks each for every theater I do

for the poor people.

It's a wild, fun show.

But after that, I'm calling it the farewell tour because I'm leaving.

I'm leaving to reflect on the style of comedy I've gotten into.

Now, of course, my jokes are good.

My last special was one of the most widely regarded specials of all time.

7 million views on YouTube.

Juke, go check it out right now.

But I do a thing on podcasts where I just like to go for it.

And after this one, I don't think there's anywhere left to go.

I did the math.

Me and Tony and Redband talked about it later.

Jeff Ross wouldn't talk to me after this.

He said, I gotta be not around you for a while.

Norton left immediately and went to masturbate.

I think the next place I can go is human sacrifice, and

I don't think I can do that.

Also, this human sacrifice is too much blood and

for YouTube.

If they can't show blood here, how are they going to show blood?

Maybe I'm saying too much.

So I'm going to go walk the earth, everyone.

I'm going to do this farewell tour.

Tickets available at rishafair.com right now.

Portland, is it Portland?

And then

I'm going to go reflect

on what I am.

I think I'm done.

I think I'm just going back to regular jokes.

The next time you see me on Kill Tony, my dick won't come out.

That's hard and fast.

We won't cut it up.

It just won't be on there.

When I'm on Rogan, I'm not going to piss in Bud Light bottles anymore.

I'm not going to piss in any bottle.

I'm just going back to jokes on podcasts.

Stand-up was always just jokes.

But podcasts, I like to go for it.

So, guys, let's get back to the episode.

I'm going to hand it back to Ohio's probably greatest twink in history, Tony Hinchcliffe.

Tony, please guide these guys into the end of the episode.

And I'd like to apologize to Red Band most of all for having to clean up my mess.

Literally, for having to clean up my mess.

Guys, it was such a fun moment.

People were, it was wild.

It was wild.

Tony, take it, take it away, man.

It was so fun.

Red Man was like emotionally hurt by it.

Red Man later was like, I don't know what to do.

DeRosa said, like,

he needs help.

I'm Ari Shafir, and I've been triggering the untriggerables since 2001.

Enjoy the rest of the episode.

I'll see you next time on Kiltoin.

Ladies and gentlemen,

shout out to our sponsors if we still have any.

One more time for the Roastmaster General, Jeffrey Ross.

One more time for one of the all-time greats of the show, Jim Norton.

And one more time for this naughty, naughty boy, Ari Shafir, ladies and gentlemen.

And one big round of applause for Brian Redban and Tony the Golden Pony.

And another thank you to LML teams, JD HC, Joel Rodkowski, and Nick Liberatori.

SkankFest, thank you.

Congratulations on being here.

Love you guys.

Sorry.

Oh, God.

This place is chaos right now.

True bloody shit.

Piss.

This was Kill Tony at Skank Fest.

Thank you.

We love you.

Good night, everybody.

Thank you so much.

For a limited time at McDonald's, get a Big Mac extra-value meal for $8.

That means two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese, pickles, onions on a sesame seed bun, and medium fries, and a drink.

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